Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 10th, 1999 John Goodman Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers None Tina Fey Paula Pell Lorne Michaels A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: After getting in trouble for saying something truthful for once, President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) announces he’ll go back to lying in the future. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton. Transcript
Montage
John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: John Goodman tries to convince the audience that, despite the name recognition, tonight’s show is not a rerun. Transcript
Adult Literacy ProgramSummary: 50-year old Arthur Dugan (John Goodman) may be illiterate, but he still “rules the school.” Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Tracy Morgan comment on the FUBU clothing line for black people. Collette Reardon (Cheri Oteri) comments on prescription drug use. Recurring Characters: Collette Reardon. Transcript
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Swingin'”
Springtime SantaRecurring Characters: Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus.
Happy Smile PatrolSummary: Pre-recorded children’s program is continuously interrupted by breaking news of a crime spree performed by its stars (Cheri Oteri, John Goodman, Will Ferrell) the night before. Transcript
VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: Bun E. Carlos (Horatio Sanz).
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Room At The Top”
Cathouse Computer SystemSummary: A john (John Goodman) at a whorehouse is embarrassed by the installation of their new computer system. Transcript
…..Colin Quinn President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond …..Chris Kattan
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Hi, I’m Colin Quinn! Thanks, folks. Thank you.
This week, Paula Jones announced that she and her husband are separating. One of the disagreements has been over the– how to spend the money Jones received in her settlement from Pl – President Clinton. She wants to spend it on clothing and jewelry, and he wants a new set of tires for the house. [some applause]
Boris Yeltsin’s prosecutor-general is at the center of a sex scandal. A Russian TV station showed a videotape of Yuri Skuratov naked in bed with two prostitutes. We here at “Weekend Update” have an exclusive photo of Skuratov. [doctored photo of Bill Clinton with a mustache and furry Russian hat; cheers and applause]
In an interview published this week in the British newspaper Express, Monica Lewinsky said she was upset that people seem to believe her relationship with President Clinton was a one-way affair. Monica, you performed oral sex on him, and then he ate a pizza. That’s a one-way affair.
The Energy Department is asking the Senate this week for an eight-million-dollar budget increase to beef up security at U.S. nuclear laboratories. Security at one of the labs was so lax, a group of hip-looking teenagers was able to slip past the guards by flashing a pack of Mentos.
At court-martial proceedings this week, Major General David Hale was ordered to pay 22,000 dollars for committing adultery with the wives of four of his subordinates. That’s only 5,000 apiece. If Paula Jones is worth 850,000, what do they look like?…I know, that’s…Hale, you’re all right.
White House drug czar Barry McCaffrey [one audience member cheers] said Wednesday [stops and looks at the cheering audience member]…that despite new reports about the benefits of marijuana smoking, it is still an illegal drug and would remain so. After the announcement, McCaffrey drove off in his limited edition Marlboro truck. [scattered applause]
A group of travel journalists have voted Niagara Falls as the best location to celebrate the millennium. The worst location? Sitting between David Arquette and Robin Williams at Howie Mandel’s New Year’s party.
All right, let me tell you how crooked boxing is. Last night, HBO replayed the Evander Holyfield-Lennox Lewis fight–Holyfield knocked him out in the fourth. [cheers and applause]
During an international tournament in Manhattan this week, Maurice Ashley has become the first African-American chess grandmaster [one audience member applauds] in history. [one audience member cheers] Proving once again that blacks are just better athletes.
Before their game on Tuesday, the New Jersey Nets got a pep talk from motivational speaker Tony Robbins. The Nets lost anyway, and Robbins was immediately traded to Milwaukee for Deepak Chopra.
Over the last month, Hillary Clinton has been questioning prominent New York Democrats in an effort to size up her chance for a possible run at the U.S. Senate. Here to lend his support to the idea, President Bill Clinton.
[pan over to Bill]
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Colin. I make no secret of the fact that I think my wife would make one fine United States senator. I only wish I could kinda get back on the campaign trail and help her, but I know, even though we love each other dearly, she would like me to sit this one out….And I understand. I don’t want to get in the way of her important work, which, if she’s elected, will begin January 1st, 2001. Mark it on your calendar. I know I will. [laughs briefly, then turns serious]…Oh sure, it’ll be hard, knowin’ my wife is a thousand miles away in New York City, me, all alone in my state. Just some dogs and a maid or two to keep me company….I was thinking maybe I’d build a mini-bar and a waterbed for when she c-came to visit. Of course, I’ll be visiting her a lot in New York. The only sad part is, while Hillary’s down in Washington, I’ll just have to find some way to occupy my time. Heck, I bet there’s lots of stuff for a guy like me to do in New York City. Waitin’ around, for the love of my life. You see, Colin? Even though it’ll be hard for me not to be a big part of Hillary’s new life, I’ll make do. I’ve always found things to do when she’s not around!…[shakes tie] And once again…[cheers and applause, then makes hand signals, nods, then gives a thumbs up]
Once again, if she gets elected, she won’t be around starting January the 1st, 2001. For those of you who want to know, I’ll be alone, and very [shakes tie] sad in my…Arkansas house startin’ then. The mongoose has freed the snake. Please! New York! I’m begging you! [makes hand signals] Vote Hillary in 2000. [laughs, then gives a thumbs up; cheers and applause] I love you all.
Colin: President Clinton, everybody! President Clinton!
Well, the big controversy at tomorrow night’s Academy Awards will be the awarding of a lifetime achievement award to director Elia Kazan, who informed on friends during the Communist scare of the 1950s. Kazan stands by his actions, and says he has the support of his colleagues, as well as his new girlfriend. [photo of Linda Tripp]
The former president of Ecuador was jailed this week on corruption charges that claim he invaded the Ecuadorian payroll with over a thousand phantom employees. He will be extradited to New York, where he will immediately be made chop stew at the JABIT Center.
This week, Britain granted citizenship to residents of its overseas territories, including Bermuda and the British Virgin Islands. The happy new citizens then went back to their life of standing outside a barbed wire fence watching people at Club Med do Jell-O shots.
Floyd Hooker, an Oswego hotel janitor, won 45 million dollars in the New York State Lottery this week, and said that it’s probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to him. Probably the greatest thing. Really, you sure you want to step out on a limb like that, Floyd?…I thought the greatest thing that happened was the time you got that drumstick at the Salvation Army Thanksgiving dinner. Now listen to me, old man: I want you to take that money and go to South Beach, and find the purest bag of coke and the most violent Brazilian transvestite you can, and I want you to bleed and cry and urinate, and then cry some more over your lawsuit– my lawsuit, and then I want you to come home and kill all your hunting buddies. [some applause]
Sony Records…Sony Records and the Vatican have joined forces and are releasing Alma Pater, a CD-ROM and music video featuring Pope John Paul reciting p-psalms and singing. The high point of the video is when the Pope tears up a picture of Sinead O’Connor. [applause]…Payback?
Four Amish teens were arrested this week for smashing 44 windows and overturning buggies during a rampage at the home of an Amish farmer. The boys were easily captured by police because they move like molasses….Let me tell you, there’s nothing worse than a drunken Amish kid, they’re in your face all night rambling on and on about apple butter.
Marilyn Manson cancelled some shows this week after twisting an ankle. Huh. Apparently the Antichrist doesn’t have as high a threshhold of pain as you might think!
A judge this week threw out a Louisiana law that had made consensual oral and anal sex a felony in the state. In other words, my trip to New Orleans is back on! [cheers and applause]
Jm J. Bullock was arrested in West Hollywood…for possession of the illegal drug crystal meth. He was released on 10,000 dollars bail and now faces up to two years in prison. Although there’s talk his lawyer might plea bargain it up to four years.
Olivia D’Abo, the big sister on “The Wonder Years,” will play Neve Campbell’s love interest on three episodes of “Party of Five” when Campbell’s character, Julia, enters into a lesbian affair. Looks like that night I’m gonna be having my own little [holds up right hand and wiggles fingers] party of five! [cheers and applause]…Oh!…Yes.
Now here with a commentary on contemporary music, is Weekend Update’s own musicologist, Chris Kattan!
[pan over to Chris]
Chris Kattan: Thank you, Colin. Uh, now, as we all know, music is a huge part of our lives. It’s an essential component in the woven fabric of society. Now every so often, a song comes along that changes the way we think about the world we live in. And I’m here to talk about one of those songs. It’s simply an incredible work. It’s called “Believe.” And the composer is Cher. Now, for those who haven’t heard it, I’d like to explain what it means to me….[motions off-camera] Music.
[the song “Believe” by Cher begins playing; Chris gets increasingly caught up in the song as it plays]
Listen. [lights dim to blue]…You hear that? It’s like you’re floating. Don’t be afraid! Sometimes joy is scary! It feels like you’re flying, doesn’t it? Wait, listen!…Ooh, what was that? Did you hear that? Wait, wait…it’s like a – it’s like a – an electronic angel or something! It’s telling you…it’s telling you it’s gonna be all right. Wait, wait, wait! Uh-oh! What’s that? I feel like I’m flying in a cloud or something. Doesn’t it feel like that? Don’t try so hard! Don’t push! You can’t break through, ’cause you can’t force anything! You just feel it! Let the music touch you! [to Colin] You can smile if you want to! [Colin smiles] You can smile, [back to audience] don’t fight it! Say “yes” to your new friend! This ain’t “Call and Answer”! Go– okay, get ready, get ready! Something’s happening! What’s happening?
[at this point, the song is at its chorus; Chris leans back with his arms spread out]
…BELIEVE! [gasps] It’s not strong enough! It’s okay! You know why? Because you need to… [spreads arms out again] BELIEVE!
Colin: All right! Stop the music! [music stops, lights return to normal]
Chris: Well, Colin? How did it feel? Huh?
Colin: It felt like I was listening to Cher. What’s the big deal?
Chris: Oh, I get it, okay. You don’t – you don’t believe. Well you know what, Colin? You’re a fool!
Colin: What?!
Chris: You’re an ignorant, stupid fool! You hide behind jokes, and o – uh, like a wall of quips, and your cute little “Hi! I’m funny, I’m the news guy!” your little take on the news! Th – o – th – th – th – th- tha! That’s safe! That’s okay! But you know what? Sometimes it’s not always about feeling safe. Sometimes you just have to…
[the song starts up again on the word “believe”; lights dim back to blue]
Col, listen! Let it touch you! It’s not hard! Smile! Stand up! [stands up on the desk] Stand up…
Colin: No!
Chris: …and fly with me! STOP HIDING! [slams hand on the desk twice] STOP HIDING! IF IT HELPS YOU, YOU CAN MOISTEN YOUR FINGER AND [rubs his nipple with his finger] RUB YOUR NIPPLE IF YOU WANT TO! GET UP HERE AND FLY WITH ME! [extends his hand to Colin] TAKE MY HAND!
Colin: No!
Chris: TAKE IT, YOU STUPID ASS! [stomps on the desk three times] TAKE MY HAND! [rubs his nipple] RUB YOUR NIPPLE! [spreads his arms] FLY WITH ME! FLY AND JOIN ME! [cheers] JOIN ME NOW!
[louder cheers and applause as Chris dances and sways to the music]
Colin: [giving up] All right! [Chris stops moving] I’m not getting on the desk, but I believe.
Chris: YOU BELIEVE? HE BELIEVES! [cheers and applause] HE BELIEVES! [jumps into Colin’s lap and embraces him]
Colin: Chris Kattan, everybody! Chris Kattan!
Chris: HE BELIEVES!
Colin: I’m Colin Quinn! That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
Chris: HE BELIEVES! [leans back and lies his head on the desk]
The Captain…..Ed Norton Toni Tennille…..Drew Barrymore
Toni Tenille: We first met in 1967.
The Captain: Yeah, and we thought we were making perfectly good music back then. We were very happy with our career, and then we heard Seargeant Pepper’s.
Toni Tenille: It just blew our mind.
The Captain: I just remember listening to that record over and over again, thinking, “How am I ever gonna make something as good as Seargeant Pepper’s?” And then it hit me: I’ll get a captain’s hat and put on this yachting jacket and start making everyone call me “The Captain”.
Toni Tenille: It was a brilliant ploy – a captain is just like a seargeant. They’re both in the Armed Forces – of music.
The Captain: Yeah! Anyway, we still didn’t know if we were going to make anything as terrific as Seargeant Pepper’s, but, as it turned out, we did.
Toni Tenille: Yeah, we did.
The Captain: It’s over now, but we’ll always have that. [ hears snickering ] Why are they laughing?
Garbage: [ singing ] “I’m living without you I know all about you I have run you down into the ground Spread disease about you over town.
I used to adore you I couldn’t control you There was nothing that I wouldn’t do To keep myself around and close to you.
Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special I thought you should know But I’ve run out of patience I couldn’t care less.
I… I…
Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special I thought you should know
I used to amuse you I knew that I’d lose you Now you’re here and begging for a chance But there’s no way in hell I’d take you back.
Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special I thought you should know But I’ve run out of patience I’ve run out of comments I’m tired of the violence I couldn’t care less.
I’m looking for a new I’m looking for a new I’m looking for a new I’m looking for a new
We were the talk of the town We were the talk of the town We were the talk of the town We were the talk of the town.
I thought you were special I thought you were special I thought you were special I thought you were special.”
…..Drew Barrymore Bottle of Whiskey…..Chris Kattan British Gent…..Horatio Sanz …..Cheri Oteri Carrot…..Chris Parnell Adam Sandler…..Jimmy Fallon
Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Oh, my God! Thank you! I’m so thrilled to be here! you know, actually, this isn’t my first time on the show. In fact, I was the youngest person to ever host the show. It’s crazy! Here’s what I looked like back in 1982.
[ cut to clip of Drew’s 1982 monologue with Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: Do you like video games?
Drew Barrymore: I love video games! If I have time off, and someone says I can go to the arcade, I say, “Terrific! Any time!”
[ cut back to 1999 ]
Drew Barrymore: Hard to believe that was 17 years. And in those 17 years, I’ve been through.. a lot. A real lot. Like, lots and lots. So much, really, that I wrote a song about it..
[ singing ]
“Now in my younger days, my life was like a haze I used to drink a lot, and then I smoked some pot.”
Bottle of Whiskey: “She drank and smoked all night, and it was out of sight And everything was great, but she was only eight.”
Drew et al: “Life has dealt some pretty funky hands to Miss Drew Barrymore.”
Drew Barrymore: “I went to rehab, got on my head straight But my career was gone, and it was too late.”
British Gent: “Married a British gent, kind of an accident Found out too late he reeks, divorced him in three weeks.”
Drew et al: “Life has dealt some pretty funky hands to Miss Drew Barrymore.”
Drew Barrymore: “But then suddenly, I was a Double D I got a movie, called “Poison Ivy”.”
Cheri Oteri: “She went on Letterman, and gave the censors fits She jumped on Dave’s desk, and flashed her big boobs!”
Drew et al: “Life has dealt some pretty funky hands to Miss Drew Barrymore.” Carrot: “Then she became a militant, sprout-eating vegetarian Her Playboy spread was excellent, she’s got a tattoo just above her gam.”
Drew Barrymore: “Now I’m living free, gave drugs the finger Then me and Adam made “The Wedding Singer”.”
Adam Sandler: “She’s back in movies, back on the A List It would be so nice-a if you’d-a never been kissed.”
Drew et al: “Life has dealt some pretty funky hands to Miss Drew Barrymore.”
Drew Barrymore: We’ve got an amazing show for you! Garbage is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell Nicholas Cage…..Jimmy Fallon Calista Flockhart…..Drew Barrymore Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy” It’s been an exciting first round. That being said, let’s take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has negative 16,500 dollars.
Sean Connery: Damm you and your daily doubles you brigand! One day it’ll be my turn, Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Great. Calista Flockhart, with an amazing negative $58,000. Good job.
Calista Flockhart: [ quietly like all of her lines ] Thank you.
Alex Trebek: And finally, Nicholas Cage is in the lead with $8.
Nicholas Cage: You got lights, you’ve got cameras – bitchin’ technology!
Alex Trebek: I don’t know how anyone could get $8, but better luck to all of you in the next round. It’s time for Double Jeopardy. Let’s take a look at the board. The categories are.. Potent Potables; The Pen is Mightier.. that category is all about quotes from famous authors, so you’ll all probably be more comfortable with our next category..; Shiny Objects; continuing with Opposites; Things you Shouldn’t Put in Your Mouth; What Time is It?; and, finally, Months That Start With Feb. Mr. Cage you’re in the lead, so let’s start with you.
Nicholas Cage: Hmm.. what? Where…
Alex Trebek: Okay, Calista Flockhart, why don’t you pick a category?
Calista Flockhart: Um no.. pass.
Alex Trebek: You’ll pass. Very smart. Mr. Connery, why don’tyou pick?
Sean Connery: Ah! Well met! I’ll take Months That Start With Feb, Trebek.
Alex Trebek: For how much?
Sean Connery: Suprise me, you filthy bastard!
Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s completely unnecessary. Months That Start With Feb for $800. This is the only month that starts with Feb. [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery?
Sean Connery: Febtober!
Alex Trebek:No. [ Calista Flockhart buzzes in ] Calista Flockhart.
Calista Flockhart: What is.. Febturday?
Alex Trebek: No.
Sean Connery: She said turd!
Alex Trebek: I hate you! The answer was February. That’s the month that starts with Feb. It was last month!
Sean Connery: Aha! A trick question!
Alex Trebek: Yeah, it was a trick question, Mr. Connery. Why don’t you pick a category?
Sean Connery: I’ve got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.
Alex Trebek: What? No. No, no, that is The Pen is Mightier.
Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek. What matters is does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?
Alex Trebek: It’s not a product, Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: Because I’ve ordered devices like that before – wasted a pretty penny, I don’t mind telling you. And if The Penis Mightier works, I’ll order a dozen.
Alex Trebek: It’s not a Penis Mightier, Mr. Connery. There’s no such thing!
Nicholas Cage: Wait, wait, wait.. are you selling Penis Mightiers?
Alex Trebek: No! No, I’m not.
Sean Connery: Well, you’re sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Right, right.. say, let’s move on to Final Jeopardy, that should be a lot of fun. And the category is: The Federalist Papers. Wait, wait, I’m sorry, that’s my bad. That’s for regular “Jeopardy”, which we’ll be taping later today. Your category is: Horsies. All you have to do is tell me “Are Horsies pretty?” [ the Final Jeopardy music starts as the celebrities scribble some answers ] Yes or no, we’ll except either answer. “Are Horsies pretty?”. Keep in mind, there’s no wrong answer. [ music stops, Alex approaches the podiums ] Let’s see what all of you wrote, starting with you, Mr. Cage, and you wrote.. and you’re podium is gone..
Nicholas Cage: I don’t know where it went, I’m confused.
Alex Trebek: You lost you podium? I don’t see.. you know what – I don’t care. Let’s move on. Calista Flockhart.
Calista Flockhart: [ louder than normal ] What? What?
Alex Trebek: Settle down, just relax. You wrote.. nothing. And you wagered.. nothing.
Calista Flockhart: [ in a whisper ] The pen was too heavy.
Alex Trebek: Fair enough. Mr. Connery?
Sean Connery: We meet again.
Alex Trebek: Let’s see your answer.. [ screen reads “Buck” ] Oh, I’m sorry.. that must be you wager. A Buck. And you answer is.. [ screen reads “Futter” ] Futter. Buck Futter, I don’t get it.
Sean Connery: Ohhhh.. I think you do, Trebek. I tThink you do, indeed!
Alex Trebek: Well, thanks for joining us..
Sean Connery: [ yelling ] Buck Futter!!
Alex Trebek: Fine, whatever. That’s it for “Celebrity Jeopardy”.. [ shaking head ] I don’t know..
Drew Barrymore: I want to thank Garbage! Whoooooo!! I want to thank my best friend, Edward Norton, for being awesome! and I want to thnak my friends for coming here, and being my family! and I want to thank this cast, and Lorne Michaels for giving me the best night of my life! Thank you!
[Fade up to Antonio Banderas sitting on a couch with his mariachi band, which is playing soft music behind him. Fade up “The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas.” Dissolve to closer view of Antonio.]
Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio…y Banderas! I am…[whispers] actor! Welcome to The…how do you say?…Ah yes. Show. Now say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: [music stops momentarily] Señor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.
[band plays some notes]
Guadalupe: THANK YOU, MY FRIEND! [laughs]
[band plays two notes]
Antonio: No. Thank you for your continued commitment to the thing called “the sexy.”
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] NO, NO! YOU! YOU ARE THE SEXY, MY FRIEND! YOU ARE SO THE SEXY, YES!
Antonio: [laughs]…No crap.
Now, I would like to get [soft music resumes] serioso for a lot of moments….My gruest tonight is Melanie Griffith. She is a very married to me. In her, I put my thing and make a little me. [cheers]…Pleases welcome my wife, the Melano, the Griffith.
[The band plays faster music. Antonio stands up. Cheers and applause as Melanie comes in. Antonio kisses her hand. She then leans in for a kiss. The music stops.]
Please, no kissy the face. Not now. For your lips are like two Mexican slugs covered with the mentholatum….But please, make the seat.
[The band plays two notes. Antonio and Melanie sit down as she is brimming with excitement.]
Melanie Griffith: Thanks, sweetie! I love you!
Antonio: [laughs] Yes, you do. Now, question: I am much more the sexy than your former love interest, the “Miami Vice” guy, no?
Melanie: [laughs] Please! You’re way sexier than Don Johnson!
Antonio: And all of a sudden, I don’t mind the lips so much. For now, they are like two sweet Twizzlers coated with penis butter.
Melanie: Mmmm!
Antonio: I mean peanut butter….No I don’t.
Melanie: Mmmm! Mmm…Bambino! You don’t have anything to prove! You’re a very sexy man!
[Antonio and Guadalupe agree]
Antonio: It is getting hot in here, no? Well, I think I’ll just… [stands up; Melanie rises in anticipation]
Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO NO! DON’T DO IT! IT’S TOO SEXY, MY FRIEND! TOO SEXY! DON’T DO IT!…NO, PLEASE!
Antonio: But I must! [band plays fast music while he undoes the top button on his shirt]…[we see Melanie, hot and bothered, spreading her top to show her cleavage] OKAY! [music becomes faster] Maybe I should [grabs his zipper] let my little finger come out to make a play for a while? No, I will not do that. [music stops as Melanie is breathing with more anticipation]
Melanie: [aroused] You’re so hot! You want to play [pointing to her cleavage] bunny in the sailor?
Antonio: No talky. Please. I do not like the voice. It is like a slow, painful leak from a little Spanish tire. [Melanie takes her hands away from her chest] So, shh! No words. [Melanie leans in to kiss him] Shh! [whispers] ¡Silencio! Shh! Like that St– Like that door on “Star Trek.” Ch!
Melanie: Bring it on, honey! [leans in to kiss him]
Antonio: And once [turns Melanie’s head away] again, the lips frighten me.
Melanie: I know you’re not crazy about my collagen lips, but…Don never seemed to mind.
Antonio: Don? [band becomes scared] What?! NO! NEVER AGAIN! [Melanie gets aroused again] NEVER [Melanie shows her cleavage again] BRING UP THE MIAMI MAN WITH THE JOHNSON WHO SHOOTS THE COKE DUDES WITH THE BLACK MAN WITH-A NO SOCKS!
Melanie: [aroused] Ohh! Yeah! Yes!…You’re so sexy when you’re angry!
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] YES, YES, HE TRULY IS THE SEXY, YES! [laughs]
Antonio: [laughs] Yes. And the lips are fine twice again. Even the voice, not so painful. So, I think I’ll just… [stands up]
Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] OH PLEASE, MY FRIEND, ¡NO MÁS! ¡NO MÁS! IT’S TOO SEXY! ¡POR FAVOR! TOO SEXY!
Antonio: But I must! [band starts playing fast music as he unbuttons his shirt] All right! [starts unbuckling his belt] I WILL SHOW YOU THE REASON THAT ADAM AND EVE [Melanie shows her cleavage as he tries to unbutton his pants] GOT KICKED OUT OF THE FARM…
Melanie: [aroused] Ohh!
Antonio: …OF THE EAGLE! IF I CAN GET MY PANTS DOWN! [cheers]…I WILL DIVIDE MY WIFE WITH A FIRM SNAKE, [pulls his pants down] WHO WILL EAT THE APPLE! [louder cheers as we see him wearing black underwear with Zs on it; we also see that his pubic area is unshaved] AND WEEP! [begins to tie his shirt in a knot] AND DOES THE DANCE! AND…
[The music stops as Antonio stops and realizes that he’s not “up.” Melanie, still showing her cleavage for Antonio, wonders why nothing is happening. Antonio motions for more time, then cheers come from the audience as he looks down at his crotch and wonders why he’s not “up.”]
Ooo! [looks down at his crotch again] Ooo!
[After waiting some more, Antonio finally realizes that he’s not going to get an erection.]
And now I’m done.
[The band resumes soft music as Antonio sits back down.]
Melanie: [in sad disappointment] Oh, Antonio! Again? [Antonio pulls his pants up]…I’m gonna go see if my breasts need any work! [leaves]
Antonio: She will be back. For I have the ring on the finger that says I can make the sex, anytime. Anywhere! Even if she says no. For I am Antonio…y Banderas! I am…[whispers] active! I mean, actor. Why I make so many mistakes? What? Well! We will see you next time on The [music stops momentarily]…how do you say? Ah yes….Show!
[music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table; fade up title]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 16 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
March 20th, 1999 Drew Barrymore Garbage None Edward Norton Academy Awards Pre-ShowSummary: Joan Rivers (Ana Gasteyer) morphs into a demon while bothering celebrities during the Academy Awards Pre-Show. Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers, John Travolta, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Melissa Rivers.
Montage
Drew Barrymore’s MonologueSummary: Drew Barrymore sings about her wild Hollywood lifestyle over the years. Also Hosted: 82g, 01c, 03l. Transcript
Jeopardy!Summary: Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) competes against Calista Flockhart (Drew Barrymore) and Nicolas Cage (Jimmy Fallon). Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Calista Flockhart. Transcript
Banana RepublicSummary: Sweater folders (Drew Barrymore, Chris Kattan) at the Banana Republic panic when a customer (Horatio Sanz) won’t tell them how he’s doing.
VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: Toni Tennille (Drew Barrymore) and Daryl “The Captain” Dragon (Edward Norton) meekly brag of their musical success. Recurring Characters: Toni Tennille. Transcript
The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, ShowSummary: Melanie Griffith (Drew Barrymore) tries to get sexy with her self-interested husband, Antonio Banderas (Chris Kattan). Note: For the live show, Chris Kattan pasted fake pubic hair to his legs without Lorne Michaels’ knowledge. Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas, Señor Guadalupe Ramirez. Transcript
Fun With Real Audio
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) wants Hillary to run for Senate so he can score a little alone time. Chris Kattan interprets Cher’s new song, “Believe.” Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton. Transcript
VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: Fred Schneider (Will Ferrell) admits he makes up song titles by matching odd words together. Recurring Characters: Fred Schneider.
Announcer: From the news capitol of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.
In a Newsweek interview, former adviser to the President George Stephanopoulos said that Clinton isn’t fit to be elected, and has “tarnished his Presidency and all of us associated with it.” As the saying goes: George, you’re a day late and very short.
Former Tennessee Governor Lamar Alexander announced this week his second bid for the Republican nomination for President. In a related story, Susan Lucci was nominated for another Emmythis week.
During his trip to Central America this week, President Clinton received a standing ovation from the Salvadoran Left as he spoke to their National Assembly. In his speech he said he hoped that El Salvador would see the U.S. in a “new way, as a partner, a friend, a colleague.” Then he took El Salvador’s hand and placed it on his genitals.
After “Dateline NBC” aired the interview with Jane Doe No. 5, Juanita Broaddrick, President Clinton was asked if he was a rapist. The President told reporters, “It depends what your definition of ‘ist’ is.”
Pope John Paul and Iranian President Mohammed Khatami met at the Vatican this week. Khatami called the meeting “great and pleasant”, and said he “Wouldn’t trade it for all the anthrax in the world.”
Tom Brokaw, appearing on the “Today” show this week, upset viewers and homeless advocates when he said that he envied the extra sleep homeless people get. Brokaw later apologized for the insensitive comment saying he was just bitter because they get all the good shopping carts.
The Senate is holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, make them think they are going to get a bunch of money but, in reality, they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.”
Colin Quinn: And now, here to discuss Women’s History Month, is our own Cheri Oteri.
Cheri Oteri: Thanks, Col. I’d like to talk about Women’s History Month tonight. And I brought along Fantasy Barbie with me to help illustrate the progress that women’s history made over the last century. Okay, Colin? Now, over by you – that’s going to represent the caveman times [ positions Fantasy Barbie by Colin ], and down here is Total Gender Equality [ positions Fantasy Barbie by her ]. Got me?
Now, in the beginning of the century, things are going well: Susan B. Anthony, Madam Curie, and then.. uh-oh! Amelia Earhart’s going to be the first woman to fly around the world, Col. But, guess what? She gets lost and dies, uh-oh!
Colin Quinn: Maybe that’s why women always want to ask for directions.
Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] Dont. [ pause ] Alright, now we’re at the 30’s and 40’s: Elenour Roosevelt, Rosie the Riveter.. but then, uh-oh! Here comes Marilyn Monroe, dress flying up around her kooch! And she’s sleeping with the President. So, basically, Marilyn’s saying that in order for women to be sexy, they have to be so confused, they’re almost retarded.
Now, the 60’s: The National Organization for Women is founded, doctors invent the birth control pill, and Twiggy invents anorexia – uh-oh! Now women are free to have sex, but they don’t enjoy it because they think their ass is too fat. Oh, that hits home!
Now, the 70’s and 80’s can be summed up in two words, Col: Jane Fonda. Oh, she made “Barbarella” – that no good! Hey, she’s a political activist, though – that’s better. Uh-oh, she got breast implants – uh-oh! Now she has breasts made out of this stuff – feel it, Col. [ holds Fantast Barbie in front of Colin ]
Colin Quinn: [ declining ] I know what that feels like.
Cheri Oteri: Yeah, I’m sure you do.
Alright, now it’s 1990, and the best author in the world is a woman. Uh-oh! But it’s Danielle Steel. You know it’s a good book, Colin, when the cover is hot pink.
Okay – 1991: Pamela Lee shows up and makes Marilyn Monroe look like Steven Hawking in a dress.
Hey – 1995: Shannon Faulkner is the first woman admitted into the Citadel. Uh-oh! She quits the first week! “I’m going home, this hard!”
1997: Guess what, ladies? Viagra works for men, but not for women. Keep on faking it, Barbie! Okay, which brings us up to today and Monica Lewinsky. Uh-oh! [ thrusts Fantasy Barbie into Colin’s crotch ] And that’s where we’re at, Colin. Now – why don’t you call me anymore?
Colin Quinn: [ confused ] What?
Cheri Oteri: You heard me, Colin. Why don’t you call me anymore?
Colin Quinn: [ fumbling ] Well.. I was gonna call you.
Cheri Oteri: [ mimicking ] “I was gonna call you.” So just call me, Colin.
Colin Quinn: Cheri Oteri, everybody. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
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Air Date:
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: After getting in trouble for saying something truthful for once, President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) announces he’ll go back to lying in the future.
