Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Goodnights

…..Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence: Thank you to The Lumineers! And to NBC, Lorne Michaels, my family… thank you![ she waves goodbye ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Girlfriends Talk Show

Kyra…..Cecily Strong
Morgan….Aidy Bryant
Jessy….Jennifer Lawrence

[ open on theme montage ]

Theme Song:
“Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout guys and stuff!
Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout cute guys and clothes!
Girlfriends Talk Show!”

[ dissolve to Morgan and Kyra on set ]

Kyra: Oh, my God, hi. Welcome to “Girlfriends Talk Show”. This is my best friend, and co-host, Morgan.

Morgan: And this is my best friend, Kyra. And, um, I’m not sure what this girl is about.

[ camera pans right to reveal a punk-looking girl ]

Kyra: Awesome. Please welcome the coolest new girl in school, Jessy!

Jessy: Here I am, I guess. This is 100% Jessy. Deal with it.

Kyra: [ laughs ] Jessy’s gonna be co-hosting the show with us.

Morgan: Really, Kyra? Nobody told me about this at all.

Kyra: Awesome. Jessy’s in a punk band.

Jessy: Our band is called Vag Hat. Does that scare anyone?

Morgan: Yes.

Kyra: So edgy. [ looks to Morgan ] Morgan, why are you wearing your coat?

Morgan: Um, because I’m cold and it’s an outer slimming garment.

Jessy: Sh’yah. It looks like a mom coat.

[ Kyra and Jessy laugh ]

Morgan: Okay. Well, how about you tell that to Turlington Coat Barn because it was definitely in the teens fashion department.

Jessy: I don’t think they have one in New York, where I’ve been two or three times.

Kyra: Awesome. Okay. First topic?

Jessy: Piercings!

Morgan: Stickers! [ pulls out a sheet of stickers ]

Kyra: [ looking at Morgan ] Piercings.

Jessy: I already have three piercings. My eyebrow and both my ears.

Kyra: My boyfriend won’t let me get piercings. My boyfriend’s older. Yesterday, he made me stand behind an empty frame like a portrait for, like, five hours while he stared at me and ate Caesar salad. [ shrugs and shakes her head ] My boyfriend’s crazy!

Jessy: I might dump my boyfriend because I’m thinking about being bi. Everyone in New York is bi because they’re in such a rush. They’re like “I’m in a hurry, let’s do this, whatever.” I actually heard someone in New York say that. I’ve been there like two or three times. It’s a great place to get a piercing.

Kyra: Morgan can’t get her belly button pierced ‘cus she has an outie.

Morgan: I do not!

Kyra: Yeah. That’s, that’s what that’s called.

Morgan: [ Sounding a bit aggravated ] Well, okaaay then I dooo. So cool it.

Kyra: Awesome. New topic.

Jessy: Make out parties!

Morgan: Guinea pigs!

Jessy: [ scoffs ] Guinea pigs? What cool person has guinea pigs anymore?

Morgan: Um, my family? Yeah, my family breeds them. We have four. [ listing names off her fingers ] Elizabeth, Bartlet, Gordon, and Dàvid. [ the last name is pronounced in a faux French accent ] Yeah, they make great pets.

Kyra: You don’t even have Dàvid anymore. He bit a baby so you guys had to put him to sleep.

Morgan: I know but I don’t really want to talk about it so [ making peace signs with her hands ] RIP Dàvid.

Jessy: Guinea pigs are gross. Don’t they, like, poop little pellets?

Morgan: Um, you *wish* you pooped little pellets!

Kyra: Awesome. Make outs! Who you you want to make out with?

Jessy: I dunno. I might want to make out with a girl. I’m not sure. Just depends on how cool it makes me look. I, uh, might even wanna make out with someone in this room.

[ Kyra laughs a bit coy ]

Morgan: Oh God, I know it’s me. Pass. I have a boyfriend.

Kyra: Morgan’s new boyfriend talks like a girl. That’s ’cause he’s in seventh grade and his voice hasn’t changed yet.

Morgan: Um, and I hope it never does because he has a voice like an angel voice!

Jessy: Why is your boyfriend so young? Are you a cougar?

[ Kyra and Jessy laugh, exchanging a high five ]

Morgan: Um, no. I’m not a cougar. Do these human fingers look like paws? [ she lifts her hands before bobbing her head, proud at her answer ]

Kyra: Morgan, chill out.

Morgan: No! I’m not chilled out! I’m getting hot and I’m getting mad!

Kyra: Well, why don’t you just take your coat off, then?

Morgan: Okay. [ She starts unbuttoning her coat ] But just for the record, this show was *my* idea. [With her coat off, she reveals she’s wearing a guinea pig pin on her blouse ]

Jessy: We were just joshing and jiving with you.

Kyra: Okay? Awesome.

Morgan: Um, much better. Yep-a-roo. [ She adjusts her pin ]

Kyra: Okay. Before we go, Jessy, do you have anything you wanna plug?

Jessy: Yeah. Vag Hat is playing in the basement of the Grace Unitarian Church this Friday at eight. It’s a very New York looking church.

Morgan: Um, well I *won’t* be able to make it because Fridays are my time with our one female guinea pig. She’s super worn out from breeding so I’ll be hanging with her!

Kyra: Awesome. Later, bye!

Morgan: Bye!

[The three girls wave goodbye ]

Theme Song: “Girlfriends Talk Show!”

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Top Dog Chef

Padma Leash Me…..Nasim Perdad
Scout…..Bill Hader
Bailey…..Jennifer Lawrence
Hershey……Bobby Moynihan
Judge Tom Collie-cio…..Jason Sudeikis
Judge Mario Barktali…..Fred Armisen
Cat…..Vanessa Bayer

[ snappy music plays over a graphic for the ‘Dog Channel’ ]

Announcer: You’re watching the Dog Channel. For dogs, by dogs. [ a schedule appears listing each program as it’s announced ] At eight, it’s ‘How Do Doors Work?’ Followed by ‘Get Down Here Bird!’ But now, back to ‘Top Dog Chef’.

[ typical ‘Top Chef’ intro of various contestants, dressed up as dogs, play over the show announcer ]

Show Announcer: The best dog chefs from around the country have come here to compete in our kitchen. But only one can be: ‘Top Dog Chef’.

[ cue title card then cut to host ]

Padma Leash Me: Welcome, dog chefs. I’m Padma Leash Me. We started with twelve contestants and now we are down to three. Many were eliminated. Some ran away. And one had to be put down. Now it’s time to face the judges. Here’s Tom Collie-cio.

Tom Collie-cio: Dog chefs. [ brief cut to three dogs at the cooking station who seem to be excited ] Your challenge was to create a dish using only ingredients from this torn open garbage bag. [ cut to a torn open garbage bag on the floor ] And we didn’t make it easy. At random intervals we rang a doorbell. And I’ll say this again: no one who rings a doorbell is there to hurt you, okay? So in the future don’t freak out when you hear this.

[ doorbell rings ]

Bailey: [ flailing her arms ] Someone’s at the door!!

Hershey: I’m alerting you! I’m alerting you!

Scout: Woof! Woof!

Tom Collie-cio: [ looking around wildly ] Who’s at the door!? I’ll kill you! [ stops and comes to his senses, chuckling ] Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Oh boy. Pavlovian response, huh. Wow, that was a terrible idea.

Padma Leash Me: Chefs, moving on. Our guest judge today needs no introduction. He’s known all over the world: Mario Barktali.

[ cut to Mario Barktali at a table ]

Mario Barktali: That garbage smells amazing. I’m ready to be wowed.

Padma Leash Me: First up is Scout.

[ cut to one of those confessional-style interviews of sheepdog contestant, Scout ]

Scout: [ speaking in a southern accent] All my life I knew I’d be a chef. As a pup down south, when all the other dogs were content to just lick their balls, it was me who first said, “Why not add a little mud?” Mmm….

[ cut to the judge’s table ]

Padma Leash Me: And what have you prepared for us?

Scout: Uh, this is vomit two ways. First is a roulade of my own vomit from earlier and then there’s fresh vomit on top of that. And I’ve garnished it with a dead bird. Yes, you uh, can eat the garnish.

Mario Barktali: And on the side here, is this foam?

Scout: Yes, yes. I have rabies.

Tom Collie-cio: Well, you know, it looks excellent, Scout. And, uh, how did you decide on this presentation because it seems very-

[ cut to show Scout isn’t there anymore ]

Tom Collie-cio: Scout? Scout? Scout? Where’d he go?

[ in Scout’s confessional interview ]

Scout: [ panting ] I thought I heard a UPS truck! You know, I just booked it out of there. No warning. Ran for miles. [Bleep]ed up.

[ back to the judge’s table ]

Tom Collie-cio: Next up is Bailey.

Padma Leash Me: Bailey, what have you made for us?

Bailey: [ in a Jewish mother kind of accent ] Uh, this is my take on brunch. It is an egg shell, a candy bar wrapper, and a piece of cat poop.

[ the host and judges “oooh” at that ]

Tom Collie-cio: Great, well let’s see how you did.

[ the host and judges quickly lean forward to eat out of the bowl, making appropriate eating sounds ]

Padma Leash Me: Mmm, it’s delicious!

Mario Barktali: I totally agree. Do I taste urine?

Bailey: Yes. It has a whisper of urine.

Tom Collie-cio: Okay, well I’m impressed. Did you season this?

Bailey: [ scoffs ] No. I’m a dog.

Tom Collie-cio: Right.

Padma Leash Me: Well, it was excellent. As excellent as everything else we’ve ever eaten.

Tom Collie-cio: Well, except for that carrot that one time.

[ the host and judges all groan shake their heads at that ]

Tom Collie-cio: I didn’t know if it was food or a toy. Yeah, it was odd.

Padma Leash Me: Next up is Hershey.

[ in cinnamon poodle, Hershey’s, confessional interview ]

Hershey: [ speaking very flamboyantly ] Oh, I need this competition! I’m just one bad dish away from being sent to the pound. Don’t mess this up, Hershey! [ starts “raising the roof” ] Don’t you mess this up!

[ back to the judge’s table ]

Tom Collie-cio: How’d you do, Hershey?

Hershey: Oh, I messed this up.

Padma Leash Me: What happened to your dish? [ she holds up an empty bowl ]

Hershey: I ate it. I ate all of it. I ate the rest of hers too. I kind of ate everything. Right now there is a sock in my stomach. I’m a mess!

Padma Leash Me: Well then, we’ve made our decision. Congratulations Bailey. You’ve won this elimination challenge and… Bailey? Bailey? Are you okay?

[ Bailey is sniffing the air and walking by Hershey ]

Bailey: I smell someone’s butthole.

Hershey: Oh my God, thank you!

[ in Hershey’s confessional interview ]

Hershey: Don’t you worry about Hershey, y’all. I will be fine. I am in heat so I got a lot of plans! [ cackles ]

[ cue title graphic and show announcer ]

Show Announcer: Next week on ‘Top Dog Chef’.

[ Padma Leash Me is facing Scout and Bailey at their cooking station ]

Padma Leash Me: Today we have a special challenge. Each of you will have to team up with… a cat!

[ an angry white cat in a denim shirt walks in ]

Cat: Screw you guys!

[ Scout and Bailey start barking, yelling, and pounding the table and the cat yells and hisses right back. Cue ‘Top Dog Chef’ title card ]

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Danielle

Maurice…..Fred Armisen
Waiter…..Bill Hader
Danielle…..Jennifer Lawrence
Strange Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Claudio…..Taran Killam
Berna…..Cecily Strong
Concierge…..Kenan Thompson

[ Title card reading: ‘Cinemax: Late Night presents the 1970s softcore classic Danielle: A Free European Woman’ ]

Announcer: Coming up at 2am. The Cinemax classic, ‘Danielle: A Free European Woman’.

[ cut to shots of a presumably French beach town in hazy, 70s color tone. A French song plays and the title reads: ‘Danielle’. It’s worth noting that everything is dubbed in a rapid, stilted tone ]

[ cut to a man sitting in a restaurant ]

Maurice: Excuse me, waiter. I was thinking of going to the beach today, Do you think I will see beautiful women?

Waiter: [ laughs ] You will find that they’re everywhere here. This place is very, um…

Maurice: Sensual?

Waiter: Sensual yes.

[ both men laugh ]

Maurice: I’ll… have another coffee.

Waiter: Right away. [ he leaves ]

[ Danielle walks in accompanied by a little jaunty, whistling theme song She air kisses him from behind ]

Maurice: Danielle, where have you been? I wanted to awaken and make love to you this morning.

Danielle: Maurice, I was at the outdoor market. I saw so many grotesque things, Maurice. Pigs feet, fish faces. But the food. I found it all so…

Maurice: Sensual?

Danielle: Yes, Maurice. Sensual. A strange man. He was looking at me.

Maurice: Did he want to make love to you?

Danielle: Yes. I’m sure he did.

[ flashback to Danielle at the outdoor market ]

Strange Man: [ at a fruit stand ] Mmm, eh, you are quite beautiful. Are you alone?

[ close up of Danielle’s smiling, then slow zoom on the strange man’s face, then cut to a naked man’s torso above a woman’s torso in a dark room. End of flashback ]

Danielle: You’re not cross with me, are you, Maurice?

Maurice: Of course not, Danielle. I want you to… enjoy the pleasures of the body.

[ a couple enters the restaurant and goes over to Maurice and Danielle’s table ]

Claudio: Ahh. Danielle, Maurice. I trust you are passing a good holiday.

Maurice: Claudio, my wish is to spend my entire life as a holiday.

[ The couple chuckles ]

Claudio: This is my fourth wife, Berna.

Danielle: We saw the two of you making love on your balcony yesterday.

Claudio: Ohh…

Danielle: You seemed happy.

Berna: You speak so plainly.

Danielle: We did the same. But we were on the beach. And seals gathered all around us. Loud, smelly seals. I laughed as if I were at the zoo.

Maurice: Did you climax?

Danielle: I think I did.

[ Danielle’s theme song plays as she eats a piece of fruit coyly, cut to a woman dropping her robe, shown from the feet down. Cut back to the intrigued restaurant couple. Suddenly a bunch of kids come rushing over to the table ]

Kids: Money! Money! Money! Give me money!

Maurice: Damn pan children.

[ Danielle laughs ]

Berna: Get out of here!

Danielle: Don’t scream at them. They only want to laugh. [ she gets up from her table ] Look at me children! [ she puts a folded tablecloth napkin on as a hat and smears some cream on her nose ] I’m a buffoon!

Claudio: Ah, did you see what she did there?

[ Maurice just shakes his head and chuckles ]

Danielle: Here children, take everything. Take money. Diamonds. Take it all!

[ the kids rush off with their pan-handled goods. The others laugh again. ]

Berna: Danielle, you truly are of another world.

Maurice: [ gets up from his table ] Danielle, I think I’m falling in love with you all over again.

Claudio: Me too.

Berna: So am I.

[ close up shot of the waiter ]

Waiter: Danielle.

[ back to the two couples ]

Danielle: Let’s all take horses and ride them to the white cliffs.

Maurice: That’s a wonderful idea.

[ the concierge walks over to them ]

Maurice: Concierge?

Concierge: Yes?

Maurice: Uhh, is there a way we can hire horses to go to the cliffs?

Concierge: You have to reserve them. Almost a year in advanced.

Danielle: But it’s in the brochure.

Claudio: [ glancing at his wife ] Ah, what?

Maurice: You should let your customers know.

Concierge: I know. We are trying to amend that. My apologies.

[ the concierge leaves ]

Claudio: Yes. I think I will go upstairs and take a nap.

[ Claudio leaves and there’s a long stretch of silence ]

Maurice: [ to Berna ] Are you… staying down here?

Berna: I’m not tired.

[ another stretch of silence ]

Maurice: Let’s go upstairs and have sex in the bed.

[ Danielle gasps softly and goes all wide-eyed. Freeze frame on her face as the title ‘Danielle’ pops up beside her and her theme song plays ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

B108 FM

Richard…..Taran Killam
The Buffalo…..Bobby Moynihan
Busty Rhymes…..Jennifer Lawrence
MC Jiggle Butt…..Vanessa Bayer

[ exterior shot of the B108 FM Radio station ]

Radio Announcer: [ typical radio air horn sound effect ] You’re listening to Richard and The Buffalo. [ Moo sound effect ] On B108. Shakopee, Minnesota’s home for blazing hip hop!

[ interior of the radio station show radio DJs, Richard and The Buffalo, swinging around some white t-shirts ]

The Buffalo: Yeaaah! It’s five o’clock in the morniiiiing!

Richard: Yooo! Who be 108?

The Buffalo: Yo, we B108!

Richard: Yeah!

The Buffalo: The best and only hip hop morning show in Shakopee, Minnesotaaaaa!

Richard: You know this. I’m Richard the Investigator, AKA Rowdy Doody!

The Buffalo: Yeaaah! And I’m the Buffalo! AKA Cedric the Caribeana.

Richard: What!

The Buffalo: AKA Osama Bin Luscious [ strokes his dreadlock beard ]

Richard: Hup! Yeah, that’s right! This is the hip hop station where the party never stops!

The Buffalo: And is in fact the first to start. Yo, it is *mad* early.

Richard: Oh man, we gotta keep this energy up or we will straight up pass out! [ laughs then sort of grimaces ]

The Buffalo: Yeah! Even Al Roker’s still asleep!

[ Richard and The Buffalo laugh ]

The Buffalo: Ya heard?

Richard: [ turns to microphone and announces in a quiet voice ] It’s 5:02 in the morning. [ resumes his more upbeat voice ] It is so early that the internet is working super fast.

The Buffalo: [ nods ] Yo.

Richard: Yo, mad props to wi-fi, though.

The Buffalo: Yeah, mad props.

Richard: Alright, let’s introduce our intern. She is a lyrical assassin, a master of rhyming, Ms. Busty Rhymes!

[ pan over to Busty Rhymes beside Richard ]

Busty Rhymes: What’s up, y’all? Richard, Richard, Richard! Give me a beat, give me a beat!

Richard: Oh yeah! Okay, here we go! Here we go!

The Buffalo: Oh shoot! Oh shoot!

[ Richard starts making beatboxing sounds, The Buffalo chiming in with record scratch noises every so often ]

Busty Rhymes: [ rapping ] Busty Rhymes in the house, ‘cus I’m the greatest. Y’all better recognize because… yup, yup. Uh huh. Who?

[ they stop beatboxing and look at each other, a bit confused ]

The Buffalo: Ooh. Yo, you did not rhyme nothing! Straight up.

Richard: Busty Rhymes, you gotta work on that. You have not earned your name.

The Buffalo: Yeah. You gotta practice.

Busty Rhymes: I know I didn’t rhyme nothing but here’s a verse, right back at ya’! Give me a beat, give me a beat!

Richard & The Buffalo: Alright! Okay!

[ they start beatboxing again ]

Busty Rhymes: [ rapping ] La di da di da di. We likes to party. We don’t cause trouble because nu-uh. Who said that? I did? You did? Nope.

[ once again the beatboxing comes to stop and the DJs shake their heads ]

The Buffalo: Oh, so close.

Richard: I don’t…

The Buffalo: So close. I mean, you said *words*. That was nice…

Richard: I mean, the charisma’s there. You’re pretty to look at but dayum.

The Buffalo: Damn, girl. Damn. You gotta make better decisions.

Richard: Alright. Alright, Busty. Why don’t you tell us about our big promotion: ‘Wake Up And Win’!

[ there’s an alarm clock sound effect and Richard and The Buffalo mime sleeping ]

Busty Rhymes: That’s right, Shakopee! This week’s ‘Wake Up And Win’ is two tickets to see rapper, Flo Ridaaa!

[ radio air horn sound effect as the two DJs excitedly swing two white shirts over their heads ]

Richard: Yeeeaaaaaah!

The Buffalo: Flo Rida! Flo Rida! Yeah! Oh man, this is gonna be off and popping, yo! Fun fact: Flo Rida is from Florida. Which is the farthest place away in the world.

Busty Rhymes: Believe dat. So be the 108th caller and win right noooow!

[ she points at Richard and The Buffalo who strike a pose and occasionally look down at the phones, waiting for a caller. After a long pause… ]

The Buffalo: Okay, why don’t we get back to that. Yo, let’s bring out our news lady. Her name is Karen but we hate that so we call her MC Jiggle Butt!

Richard: Yeah Jiggle Butt!

[ Richard plays her in including an echo-y: “News!” We pan out to see a conservatively dressed woman scoot in on a rolling chair ]

MC Jiggle Butt: [ in a calm, news anchor type of voice ] Alright, come on, guys. It’s a new year, let’s start on a good foot. Here’s the news-

[ the two radio DJs immediately interrupt her with “Woah woah woah”s ]

Richard: What’s that?

The Buffalo: Jiggle Butt. Do it the way we asked you to do it, Jiggle Butt!

Richard: Do it the way you promised!

The Buffalo: Come on, Jiggle Butt, you got this!

MC Jiggle Butt: [ She sighs but agrees ] My name is MC Jiggle Butt and it’s cold as heeeell!

[ the others erupt into cheers with Richard and The Buffalo swinging around their shirts and Busty Rhymes fist pumping ]

The Buffalo: That is on point, Jiggle Butt!!

Richard: That’s got flava!

The Buffalo: Jiggle Butt!

Richard: Makes me wanna call you Karen, almost, Jiggle Butt!

The Buffalo: Oooooh!

MC Jiggle Butt: [ back to her professional news voice ] Alright, here’s today’s headlines. Shakopee is undergoing its worst flu season in years with more than 800 cases already reported.

Richard: Aww yeah, believe dat.

The Buffalo: Oh, er’rybody in the club got the sniffles.

Richard: Er’rybody in the club [ sniffs twice to the beat ]

The Buffalo: [ whispers ] Oh ah.

Busty Rhymes: Yo yo yo. Yo, here it is. Give me a beat, give me a beat. I got it.

[ the DJs agree and once again start with their beatboxing ]

Busty Rhymes: [ rapping ] If you stuffed up in the club ‘cus you got the flu. You know when you sneeze you gonna say, “Uh oh. What up. Heeeey”.

[ Richard and The Buffalo stop, looking frustrated ]

Richard: Nobody says that when they sneeze.

The Buffalo: Why did you stop?

Richard: Nobody says that when they sneeze!

Busty Rhymes: Shut up…

The Buffalo: You were so close! You were so close! [ He drinks a cup of coffee ]

Busty Rhymes: They will.

Richard: You were right there. You messing with me!

Busty Rhymes: They’re gonna say that now.

MC Jiggle Butt: Alright, well. Flu shots are available at St. Francis Hospital and are especially recommended if you’re having the following symptoms.

Richard: [ dramatically ] Bum bum buuuum! Give us the symptoms, Jiggle Butt!

The Buffalo: Jiggle Butt!

MC Jiggle Butt: Fever.

The Buffalo: Yeeaaah! Word. Word. Word.

Richard: Word.

MC Jiggle Butt: Muscle aches.

Richard: Only if I’m working out.

The Buffalo: Muscle aches, I got them…

MC Jiggle Butt: And dizziness.

[ cue radio air horn sound effect as Richard and The Buffalo pull out the white shirts and start swinging them around ]

The Buffalo: Oooh! Dizziness! Yo! I got that, yo! I got that! Yo, Imma kill myself…

[ The Buffalo suddenly passes out ]

Richard: Damn. Buffalo, you alright? You got a little spill.

[ The Buffalo shakily gets back to his seat ]

The Buffalo: Yeah. I think I got the flu. Pretty sure I got the flu.

Richard: Well, damn. Then you should get a flu shot just like everybody else out there, yo.

Busty Rhymes: Yo, yo, yo, I got one this time! I got the- the, just… Give me a beat!

The Buffalo: You got one?

Richard: Alright, I’m trusting you on this but I have a feeling I’m being set up to fail.

Busty Rhymes: Just do it, do it, do it!

[ Richard and The Buffalo start up their beatboxing ]

Busty Rhymes: [ rapping ] It’s the flu season so you’re gonna have issues. If you get the sniffles get a big box of Kleenex.

[ Richard and The Buffalo stop, just looking outraged ]

Richard: I knew it! I knew it!

The Buffalo: Why would you say “issues”-

Richard: [ quietly ] I knew it.

The Buffalo: -if you’re not gonna say “tissues”?!

Richard: Shame on me!

The Buffalo: I swear…

Richard: Shame on me!

The Buffalo: I swear, Busty…

Richard: You know what I mean?

Busty Rhymes: Shut up…

The Buffalo: If you were not my wife’s kid…

[ there’s a pause and the DJs resume their radio friendly personalities ]

Richard: Yo, we gotta take a break. Haha. Coming up, me and Mayor Brad Tabke gonna have a McMuffin eating contest,

Busty Rhymes: When McDonalds opens in two more hooouurs!

The Buffalo: Oooh! Mayor McPlease!

Richard: [ laughs ] We be Richard and The Buffalo on B108 and we be right baaack!

[ exterior shot of the radio station ]

The Buffalo: I’m tired.

Richard: I’m so tired…

The Buffalo: I’m so tired.

Richard: Oh my God.

The Buffalo: I’m so sick.

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 19th, 2013

Jennifer Lawrence

The Lumineers

None

None

Piers Morgan TonightSummary: Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) catches up on news events involving Lance Armstrong’s (Jason Sudeikis) drug scandal, college linebacker Manti Te’o’s (Bobby Moynihan) cruel prank, and Jodie Foster’s (Kate McKinnon) not-so-shocking, incoherent confession.

Recurring Characters: Piers Morgan, Jodie Foster.

Montage

Jennifer Lawrence’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Lawrence tries to crack a smile from fllow Golden Globe nominee Tommy Lee Jones (Bill Hader), then proceeds to trash-talk and compliment her fellow Best Actress Oscar contenders.

Transcript

VerismoSummary: Housewife (Vanessa Bayer) duplicates the tense Starbucks experience at home by brewing up an incompetent and beligerent cup of coffee in the privacy of her own kitchen.

Girlfriends Talk ShowSummary: Morgan (Aidy Bryant) is threatened anew when best friend co-host Kyra (Cecily Strong) welcomes new best friend Jessy (Jennifer Lawrence) to the topic couch.

Recurring Characters: Kyra, Morgan.

Transcript

Post Hunger Games News ConferenceSummary: After placing at the Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) and Peeta Mellark (Taran Killam) field questions from reporters.

Transcript

The HobbittSummary: Determined to squeeze out J.R.R. Tolkien for everything he’s worth, director Peter Jackson has stetched “The Hobbitt” into an 18-part film series filled with drawn-out plots and ridiculous spoofs.

Johnny Two TonesSummary: Diners (Bobby Moynihan, Vanessa Bayer) love the kitschy insulting service at retro Johnny Two Tones, until their server, Brenda (Jennifer Lawrence), takes it too far.

Transcript

The Lumineers perform “Ho Hey”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Second-hand news correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) delights Seth Meyers with more information gleaned from a host of suspicious characters.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino.

Top Dog ChefSummary: Canine-humans (Bill Hader, Jennifer Lawrence, Bobby Moynihan) attempt to wow Padma Leash-Me (Nasim Pedrad), Tom Collie-Cio (Jason Sudeikis) and Mario Barktali (Fred Armisen) with culinary dishes created from random garbage.

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B108 FMSummary: Richard (Taran Killam), The Buffalo (Bobby Moynihan), and intern Busty Rhymes (Jennifer Lawrence) work the morning zoo format at five a.m.

Recurring Characters: Richard, The Buffalo, Karen.

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The Lumineers perform “Stubborn Love”

DanielleSummary: In a badly-dubbed French pornographic film, everyone in a cafe is enchanted by Danielle (Jennifer Lawrence).

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Love LettersSummary: While exchanging love letters with his honey Madeline Cook (Jennifer Lawrence), Civil war soldier Greg Dorfman (Tim Robinson) repeatedly requests that she send him a tit pic.

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GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts