Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Tunstall General Store

Corvis….Jeff Bridges
Wrapping lady….Kristen Wiig
Mr. Shipley….Bill Hader
Scootch….Bobby Moynihan
Ms. Dawkins….Vanessa Bayer
Common James….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with an Old West store. A pretty young lady approaches the counter]

Ms. Dawkins: Howdy, Mr. Shipley.

Mr. Shipley: Hi, Ms. Dawkins. I got that sterling silver comb you wanted for your mama for Christmas.

Ms. Dawkins: Oh, goody. She’ll love it.

Mr. Shipley: All right. That’s gonna be 22 cents. Now, do you want that gift wrapped?

Ms. Dawkins: Gift wrapped? What’s that?

Mr. Shipley: Little service I’m trying out for the holidays. My cousin and her special friend thought it up. Save yourself time to wrap it at home. You’ll be their first customer.

[Ms. Dawkins goes to a table with Corvis, a flamboyant gay cowboy and his assistant wrapping lady]

Ms. Dawkins: I’ll reckon that sounds all right. So, I give this to you?

[gives comb to the wrapping lady]

Corvis and Wrapping Lady: Oh, wow!

Corvis: Fancy comb!

Wrapping Lady: Neat comb!

Corvis and Wrapping Lady: So neat!

Corvis: This is over the top neat! If I got this for Christmas I’d shoot stuff out of my fanny!

Wrapping Lady: Corvis!

Corvis: What?!

Wrapping Lady: Oh, come on. Get to wrapping.

Ms. Dawkins: Oh, you know what? I’m in a hurry. Maybe I should get.

Corvis: Don’t get without this.

[gives the comb all wrapped up in pretty designs, shiny paper]

Ms. Dawkins: It’s awfully flashy. I don’t know what to say.

Corvis: You don’t have to say anything. Just make your face go like this.[silly O face]

Wrapping Lady: Or like this. [sillier face]

Corvis: Bye. Thank you.

Wrapping Lady: Bye, thank you, bye.

[Ms. Dawkins leaves]

Wrapping Lady: Oh, she was great.

Corvis: Her outfit could’ve used a bout of color.

[A good old boy cowboy enters the store]

Scootch: Howdy, Mr. Shipley.

Mr. Shipley: Howdy, Scootch. What can I do you for?

Scootch: I got to get me a Christmas present for my wife.

Mr. Shipley: How about this padded milking stool? My last one.[gives Scootch the milking stool]

Scootch: Ha,ha. Well, what would they think of next? I’ll take it.

[Corvis and the wrapping lady look for attention]

Corvis and Wrapping Lady: Ahem! Ahem!

Mr. Shipley: Would you like that gift wrapped?

Scootch: Well, I do not know what that means.

Mr. Shipley: Just take it over there.

[Scootch goes to the wrapping table]

Wrapping Lady: Oooh!!! A milking stool! I smell romance!

Corvis: If I got this for Christmas I’d shoot stuff out of my fanny!

Wrapping Lady: Stop.

Corvis: I really think I would.

Scootch: Well, its getting dark and I’m gonna have to get. You see, my horse is sick…

Wrapping Lady: Here you go!

[Milking stool is inside a big, shiny, flashy box with bows]

Scootch: I’m at a loss for words!

Corvis: Who needs words? Just make your face go like this.[silly O face]

Wrapping Lady: Or like this. [sillier face]

Scootch: I can’t walk down the street carrying this! I will get shot!

Wrapping Lady: [snippy] How about “thank you”?

Corvis: You are rude.

Scootch: Well, I guess I’ll just have to hope for the best.

[Scootch leaves the store with the shiny box. 4 to 5 gunshots ring out]

[BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!]

Mr. Shipley: [looks out the window] He got shot! Good job you two. This whole gift wrapping thing ain’t really panning out.

[A desperate bandido cowboy enters the store, guns blazing up into the ceiling]

Common James: Whooooo!! Whooo!!![BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!] That’s right! I’m Common James! Now give me all your money unless you want to end up like that fella I just shot outside!

Mr. Shipley: He was getting a Christmas present for his wife!

Common James: I don’t care about Christmas! No one ever gave nothing to me!

Wrapping Lady: We got to do something!

Corvis: I got an idea. Hey! Can we talk to you over here in the gift wrapping department?

Common James: What department? Where? You best just shut your trap while he fills up them bags over there!

Corvis: Hey, you! We’ve had about enough of this. [reaches for Common’s gun]

Common James: What the…?

Mr. Shipley:[scared] Oh, we’re gonna get it! Get it good! Oh, no!

[Common James’s gun is gift wrapped in shiny, flashy paper]

Common James: Oh, my God! This is the first gift I’ve ever done got given to me inside my hands here! Its so beautiful. [cries] This entire meaning of Christmas flashed before me. Thank you weirdoes! [leaves the store]

Wrapping Lady: You did it, Corvis!

Corvis: Now that is the magic of Christmas!

Wrapping Lady: Oh, I think I love you Corvis.

Corvis: You know that’s not happening.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Jorma Taccone
…..Akiva Schaffer
…..Akon
…..Blake Lively
…..Jessica alba
…..John McEnroe

[Open to Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone, and Akon standing on a stage]

(singing)

Andy Samberg: Sometimes, something beautiful happens in this world…

Akon: Akon!

Andy Samberg: And you don’t know how to express yourself, so…

Akon: And Lonely Island!

Andy Samberg: You just gotta sing.

Akon: I just had sex and it felt so good. I wanna let me put my pen*s inside of her. I just had sex and I’ll never go back to the not-having-sex ways of the past.

Andy Samberg: Have you ever had sex? I have; it felt great. It felt so good when I did it with my pen*s. A girl let me do it. It literally just happened.

[Show Blake Lively covering up after sex with Andy Samburg]

Andy Samberg: Having sex can make a nice man of the meanest.

[Cut to “before” and “after” sex pictures of John McEnroe]

Jorma Taccone: Guess where I just came from. I had sex. If I had to describe the feeling, it was the best.

[Jorma gives a thumbs up as Jessica Alba gives a thumbs down]

Jorma Taccone: When I had the sex, man my pen*s felt great and I called my parents right after I was done.

[Show Jorma hugging his parents]

[Samberg comes out of a restroom]

Andy Samberg: Oh hey, didn’t see you there. Guess what I just did. Had sex undressed, saw my poopies and the rest.

Jorma Taccone: Was sure nice of her to let you do that thing.

Andy Samberg: Nice of any girl ever. Now sing.

Akon: I just had sex and it felt so good. I wanna let me put my pen*s inside of her. I wanna tell the world…

Andy Samberg: To be honest, I’m surprised she even wanted me to do it.

Jorma Taccone: Doesn’t really make sense, but man screw it. I’m not really one to argue with a good thing.

Andy Samberg: She could be my wife.

Jorma Taccone: That good?

Andy Samberg: The best thirty seconds of my life.

Jorma Taccone: I’m so open to a girl’s ability to let me do her.

Andy Samberg: ‘Cause honestly I’d have sex with a pile of manure.

[Show Andy Samberg in bed with a pile of manure]

Andy Samberg: With that in mind I know the smell of a girl’s better.

Jorma Taccone: ‘Cause she let me wear my chain and my turtleneck sweater.

[Jessica Alba is weirded out by Jorma in his Blue Turtleneck and chain.]

Akon: So this one’s dedicated to them girls that let us f*ck around on top of them. If you’re near or far, whether short or tall, we wanna thank you all for lettin’ us f*ck you.

Jorma Taccone: She kept looking at her watch.

Akon: Doesn’t matter, you had sex.

Andy Samberg: But I cried the whole time.

Akon: Doesn’t matter, you had sex.

Jorma Taccone: I think she might have been a racist.

Akon: Doesn’t matter, you had sex.

Andy Samberg: She put a bag on my head.

Akon: Still counts! I just had sex and my dreams came true. If you had sex in the last thirty minutes then you’re qualified to sing with me.

People from all over the world: I just had sex and it felt so good. I wanna let me put my pen*s inside of her. I just had sex and I’ll never go back to the not-having-sex ways of the past.

[Fireworks]

Submitted By: Adam Rap

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Jeff Bridges’ Monologue

…..Jeff Bridges
Cookie Monster…..David Rudman

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jeff Bridges!

Jeff Bridges: It’s great to be here! You know, the last time I hosted this show was in 1983. Can you believe that? I guess I did a pretty good job, considering how fast they had me back!

Mostly I’ve been making movies for the last 27 years. And I’ve been bless to play a lot of amazing roles in some great films. But, of all those roles, the one I get recognized for the most is “The Dude”. But I got to say, it’s king of a bummer man ’cause, you know, that not me, right? Because “The Dude”, he’s a character, right? And I’m… I’m Jeff Bridges. A real person! Yeah? For instance, “The Dude”, he has uh… he has trouble expressing himself, right? And I … I don’t!

So yeah! I’m back, I’m excited, and I’m even more excited that it’s Christmas, and Christmas, it’s about giving, it’s about friends, right? And I’ve got a really dear friend who always wanted to be on this show, and I thought it would be really nice if we made his Christmas wish come true. Some come on out buddy. Come on out.

(Cookie monster appears next to Jeff)

Cookie Monster: Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum! Hey! Hi!

Jeff Bridges: It’s the cookie monster!

Cookie Monster: Hey, What’s up, “The Dude”!

Jeff Bridges: Come on! I’m not “The Dude”!

Cookie Monster: Me joking! Me joking!

Jeff Bridges: Nah, he’s always bustin’ my chops. Hey, Cookie! You want to do a tune?

Cookie Monster: Oh, me would love that!

(Jeff Bridges gets a guitar, Cookie Monster gets his harmonica, they start playing “Silver Bells”, and sing at the same time)

Jeff Bridges: City Sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style.

Cookie Monster: (Spoken) yeah.

Jeff Bridges: (sung) in the air there’s a feeling of Christmas.

Cookie Monster: (spoken) very nice.

Jeff Bridges: (sung) Children laughing,

Cookie Monster: (sung) People passing,

Both: Meeting smile after smile
And on every street corner, you hear:

Jeff Bridges: Silver Bells

Cookie Monster: Silver Bells

Jeff Bridges: Silver Bells

Cookie Monster: Silver Bells

Both: It’s Christmas time in the city

Jeff Bridges: Ring-a-ling

Cookie Monster: Ring-a-ling

Jeff Bridges: Hear them ring

Cookie Monster: Hear them ring

Both: Soon it will be Christmas day!

(music continues playing)

Jeff Bridges: (Spoken) So Cook,

Cookie Monster: (Spoken) Yeah?

Jeff Bridges: What do you want for Christmas, man?

Cookie Monster: An iPad!

Jeff Bridges: Really!?

Cookie Monster: No me kidding! A COOKIE!

Jeff Bridges: (sung) Streets of streetlights, even stoplights, blink bright red and green

Both: (sung) As the shoppers run home with their treasure

Jeff Bridges: Hear the snowcones

Cookie Monster: See the kids’ bunch

Both: This is Santa’s big scene
And above all the bustle you’ll hear:

Cookie Monster: (spoken) What?

Jeff Bridges: Silver Bells

Cookie Monster: BOINGBOINGBOINGBOINGBOING!

Jeff Bridges: Silver Bells

Cookie Monster: BONGBONGBONGBONGBONG!

Both: (sung) It’s Christmas time in the city

Jeff Bridges: Ring-a-ling

Cookie Monster: A-Ring-A-Ring-A-r=Ring-A-Ring-A-Ring!

Jeff Bridges: (with Chorus) Hear them ring

Cookie Monster: Ring-a-ding-ding!

Both: (with Chorus) Soon it will be Christmas day!

Jeff Bridges:(without Chorus) Silver Bells

Cookie Monster: Silver Bells

Jeff Bridges: (with Chorus) Silver Bells

Cookie Monster: Silver Bells

Both: (Without Chorus) Soon it will be Christmas Day!

(end of song)

Jeff Bridges: (spoken) Hey Cookie!

Cookie Monster: (spoken) what?

Jeff Bridges: I got a present for you man.

Cookie Monster: Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy a present! Oh boy oh boy oh…

Jeff Bridges: (he presents one half of a chocolate chip cookie taken out of his back pocket, Cookie monster gasps as he sees it) What do you think huh? Not only half, but a whole cookie!

(He gives both pieces to Cookie Monster)

Cookie Monster: Twice as good! Cookie! (He eats the cookie. Jeff Laughs.)

Jeff Bridges: We got a great show for you tonight! Eminem and Lil’ Wayne are here!

Cookie Monster: Me love Eminem!

Jeff Bridges: Oh well! You’re in luck! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Raffi

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Goodnights

…..Jeff Bridges

Jeff Bridges: Thanks to Eminem, Lil Wayne, Cookie Monster! Rest in Peace, Captain Beefheart! Happy Birthday, Brandon! Here comes a great day! Lorne and the “Saturday Night Live” crew and cast, thanks for making — [ cut off ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Christmas Eve in Washington, D.C.

Frosty the Snowman…..Kenan Thompson
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Hillary Clinton…..Vanessa Bayer
Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: It’s Christmas Eve, in Washington, D.C.

[ dissolve to Frosty the Snowman ]

Frosty the Snowman: Hi! I’m Frosty the Snowman! It’s that time of year again — Christmas in Washington, D.C. It’s been a tough year for the Democrats. But, with the new year, comes new hope. And I bet if you went around this nation tonight, you’d find a lot of those Democrats dreaming about better headlines in 2011. Oh, indeed! I bet you would!

[ dissolve to exterior, White House, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, as President Barack Obama stares out the window ]

[ a Christmas ditty plays in the background ]

[ Obama smiles as a headline appears in his head: “UNEMPLOYMENT DROPS TO FIVE PERCENT” ]

[ Obama smiles wider as another headline appears: “WIKILEAKS: JOHN McCAIN A MUSLIM” ]

[ Obama smiles even wider as another headline appears: “SARAH PALIN ANNOUNCES 2012 PRESIDENTIAL BID” ]

[ cut to Hillary Clinton staring out of her window ]

[ Hillary smiles as a headline appears in her head: “CLINTON BROKERS MIDEAST PEACE” ]

[ Hillary smiles wider as another headline appears: “OBAMA TO HILLARY: LET’S SWITCH JOBS” ]

[ Hillary smiles even wider and fogs the glass as another headline appears: “2011’s HOTTEST LOOK: PANTSUITS!!!” ]

[ cut to Rahm Emanuel staring out of his window ]

[ Rahm smiles as a headline appears in his head: “CHICAGO MAYORAL RACE TO BE DECIDED IN FIST FIGHT” ]

[ Rahm smiles wider as another headline appears: “‘ENTOURAGE’ PICKED UP INDEFINITELY” ]

[ Rahm smiles even wider and pounds his fists as another headline appears: “RAHM CATCHES, KILLS BIN LADEN” ]

[ cut to Nancy Pelosi staring out of her window ]

[ Pelosi smiles as a headline appears in her head: “MILITARY TO GO EXCLUSIVELY GAY” ]

[ Pelosi smiles wider as another headline appears: “EARTHQUAKE SPLITS OFF CALIFORNIA, PELOSI ELECTED QUEEN” ]

[ Pelosi smiles even wider as another headline appears: “SCOTT BROWN FORGETS TO WEAR PANTS TO WORK” ]

[ cut to Joe Biden staring out of his window with a big open-mouthed smile on his face ]

[ Biden is excited by the headline: “LIVE GORILLA RUNS ON BASKETBALL COURT, DUNKS” ]

[ Biden is excited by the headline: “BATMAN TO BIDEN: LET’S SWITCH JOBS” ]

[ Biden is excited by the headline: “DENZEL WASHINGTON AND JOE BIDEN STOP RUNAWAY AMTRAK” ]

[ dissolve back to Frosty the Snowman ]

Frosty the Snowman: Indeed! Well, I guess my only wish is for Congress to pass some comprehensive climate change legislation. Before my ass MELTS!! Have a holly jolly Christmas, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Crunkmas Karnival

DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim Pedrad Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
MC George Costanza…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on fiery Christmas graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!

Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster! And in case you didn’t notice, it’s that crazy-ass time of year again!

Together: CRUNK-MAS!!

Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!!

DJ Supersoak: And we here, at Under-Underground Records, say it’s time to ho-ho celebrate!

Announcer: Announcing the first-ever… CRUNKMAS KARNIVAL!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: There’s gonna be TONS of LIVE underground rap and rock music, YO!

Announcer: You want Christmas music? These bands will MAKE! SANTA! PUKE! [ explosion ] With performances by Dump! Homeless Wedding! Frog Blast! Mary Poopins! Third Eye Blind! Butt Snack! Boyz II Dickz! And Scrotum Fire!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

Lil’ Blaster: Ohhhh, yeahhhhh!! Scrotum Fire! They my ninjas!

DJ Supersoak: AH HAAAAA!! And you BEST not need medical attention, yo! ‘Cause the First Aid Kit is:

Announcer: FULL! OF! SNAKES!

Lil’ Blaster: And once you’re in, you can’t leave! ‘Cause:

Announcer: ALL! EXITS! ARE! PADLOCKED!

DJ Supersoak: Luckily! You locked in with some DOPE special guests! Like wrestler Koko B Ware!

Lil’ Blaster: Comedian Phil Spector!

DJ Supersoak: The STAR of “Spaceballs” — Pizza the Hut!

Lil’ Blaster: And former Surgeon General — C. Everett Koop! Challenging YOU to a Mayonnaisse Fight!

Announcer: MAY-O-NNAISE FIGHT!!

Lil’ Blaster: And we’re FINALLY gonna give our deceased friend, Ass Dan, the Wiggedy Wake he DESERVES!

[ cut to Ass Dan lying in a coffin ]

Ass Dan: [ suddenly rising ] YEEEEEEAAHH!! You KNOW I’m still alive, BITCH!! I’m gonna live forev–

[ screen freezes and turns gray, with somber music and SUPER: “ASS DAN, 1981-2010” ]

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: But Crunkmas Karnival isn’t ALL about fun, yo!

Lil’ Blaster: No! We’re gonna bust soem CHARITY on you bitches!

DJ Supersoak: And here to tell you MORE! Is MC George Costanza!

[ cut to MC George Costanza ]

MC George Costanza: Yo! Instead of Toys For Tots! We got our OWN program! Yeah! It’s called: WACK-ASS JUNK FOR IMMIGRANTS!!

Announcer: WACK-ASS JUNK FOR IMMIGRANTS!!

MC George Costanza: YEEEEEEAAHH!! We’re givin’ them the stuff kids DON’T want! Yeah! So bring us your LEAKY BATTERIES! Yeah! Your BROKE-ASS FISH TANKS! Yeah, Yeah! EXPIRED TYLENOL! And we’ll give you a free:

Announcer: PUNCH IN THE STOMACH!

Lil’ Blaster: We got MAD special events! Like a DONG TUG-OF-WAR!

DJ Supersoak: Yeah! AND! A 2-D screening of “The Owls of Ga’Hoole”

Lil’ Blaster: Plus! Don’t miss a VERY special panel, y’all! “How Asian-Americans Can Break Into Entertainment”!

DJ Supersoak: And check it! We reunited the entire cast of “Growing Pains”, yo! Except for Kirk Cameron, Alan Thicke, Tracey Gold, Jeremy Miller!

Announcer: [ over mostly blacked-out cast photo ] WE GOT THE MOM!!

[ explosion ]

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got LOOSE HAWKS flying ALL OVER THIS BITCH!!

[ hawk flies past screen ]

DJ Supersoak: The Crunkmas Karnival takes place February 13th through the 15th! At, where else? THE METRODOME!

Announcer: [ over footage of snow collapsing through the Metrodome’s inflatable roof ] THE METRODOME!!

[ return to fiery Christmas graphics ]

Announcer: See you ninjas there!!

[ explosion ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:









Bit Players:


December 18th, 2010

Jeff Bridges

Eminem

Lil Wayne

None

Cookie Monster

Akon

Jessica Alba

Blake Lively

John McEnroe

Jorma Taccone

Akiva Schaffer

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Christmas Eve in Washington, D.C.Summary: Frosty the Snowman (Kenan Thompson) envisions Democrats dreaming about better headlines in 2011.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Rahm Emanuel, Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden.

Transcript

Montage

Jeff Bridges’ MonologueSummary: Jeff Bridges explains how he’s different than The Dude from “The Big Lebowski”, then sings “Silver Bells” with Cookie Monster.

Transcript

Julian AssangeSummary: Now released from prison, Julian Assange (Bill Hader) interrupts a message from Mark Zuckerberg (Andy Samberg) to state that he should have been chosen as Time Magazine’s Person of the Year.

Recurring Characters: Mark Zuckerberg, Julian Assange.

Transcript

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) has a pretty cool time interviewing fellow drug user Nick Nolte (Jeff Bridges).

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and the Lonely Island rap “I Just Had Sex” with Akon.

Transcript

Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King’s (Fred Armisen) final broadcast features guests Jermaine Jackson (Kenan Thompson), The Judds (Kristen Wiig, Abby Elliott), and Dog the Bounty Hunter (Jeff Bridges).

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Wynonna Judd.

Crunkmas KarnivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground Christmas rock festival that features Joanna Kern.

Recurring Characters: DJ Super Soak, Lil Blaster, Ass Dan.

Transcript

Eminem and Lil’ Wayne perform “No Love”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele (Kenan Thompson) is hip to running for a second term. Brad Pitt (Taram Killem) delivers the weather forecast as Angelina Jolie (Abby Elliott) delivers another adopted baby. Seth Meyers’ favorite trio of commentators, former governor David Paterson (Fred Armisen), Stefon (Bill Hader) and Snooki (Bobby Moynihan), perform a Christmas classic.

Recurring Characters: Michael Steele, Angelina Jolie, David Paterson, Stefon, Snooki.

TCM: This, You Call a Wonderful Life?!Summary: Ben Mankiewicz (Bill Hader) presents clips of the earlier, Jew-heavy version of “It’s a Wonderful Life”.

Recurring Characters: Ben Mankiewicz, Jimmy Stewart.

Jeff’dSummary: Jeff Bridges presents clips of lame practical jokes he’s played on other celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Sam Elliott, Billy Bob Thornton.

Eminem and Lil’ Wayne perform “Won’t Back Down” & “6’7”

Tunstall General StoreSummary: At an Old West general store, the shopkeeper (Bill Hader) relunctantly allows his cousin (Kristen Wiig) and her “special” friend (Jeff Bridges) to wrap customers gifts in ostentatious packaging for the Christmas holidays.

Transcript

A Holiday Message from The KardashiansSummary: Kim (Nasim Pedrad), Kourtney (Vanessa Bayer) and Khloe Kardashian (Abby Elliott) wish all their viewers a happy holiday.

Recurring Characters: Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mall Santa InterviewsSummary: Recruiters (Andy Samberg, Abby Elliott) interview inappropriate candidates for a mall Santa position.

Christmas PartySummary: Teenager (Paul Brittain) acts obnoxious during a family Christmas party.

Bedelia’s Drama ClassSummary: Bedelia (Nasim Pedrad) would rather hang around her drama teacher (Jeff Bridges) than socialize with her classmates.

Recurring Characters: Bedelia.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Julian Assange in Prison

Diane Foster…..Nasim Pedrad
Julian Assange…..Bill Hader

[ open on MasterCard logo ]

Announcer: And now, a message from MasterCard.

[ dissolve to Diane Foster in a MasterCard office ]

Diane Foster: Hello. I’m Diane Foster, Vice-President of Customer Relations at MasterCard. This week, supporters of the WikiLeaks organization attacked our web site. I want to assure our customers that we are —

[ the picture turns to snow, then falls upon the image of Julian Assange in prison ]

Julian Assange: Hello, again. It’s me, Julian Assange. I’ve taken over your airwaves, inside a British prison. How did I get a camera into a British prison? Maybe you weren’t listening: I’m Julian Assange. This Monday, I was arrested, proving that, for those who terrorize the United States, there’s nowhere to hide. America will find you, and they will punish you — unless, of course, your name is Osama bin Laden.

[ he coyly sips from a china cup of tea ]

No, I was not arrested for terrorism, but, rather, to be questioned on two rape charges. It has long been Interpol’s job to hunt down those accused of sexual misdeeds. Who can forget their months-long pursuit of Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger? Double standard, anyone?

[ he chuckles and sips from a china cup of tea ]

Now, on to business. If I’m not released immediately, supporters of the WikiLeaks are prepared to take the following web sites:

Amazon. If I am forcibly imprisoned for one more day, anyone purchasing Mark Twain’s new autobiography on Amazon as a Christmas present for their father, will instead send him the book “Everyone Poops”. Ho ho ho — awk-waaaaard!

Orbitz. If I’m held for two more days, any holiday flight booked through Orbitz will have a connection at the Cleveland International Airport. Also: All special requests will be logged as Middle Seat Kosher Meal. Lachaim!

[ he giggles maniacally and sips from a china cup of tea ]

Day Three: Facebook. You know that one profile picture that makes you look thin? It’s gone. Boo hoo!

On the fourth day, we will move on to the Facebook game FarmVille, AND… leave it alone. So people you barely remember from high school can continue to bother you with requests to water their stupid crops. Hoo-ray!

Day Five: Netflix. Have you seen the fourth season of “Hanging With Mr. Cooper”? [ threateningly ] You’re about to! It’s first on your queue!

Angry Birds. If I’m held for six days, the birds in the popular app Angry Birds will no longer be angry. “What are you playing? Good-Natured Birds? How is it?” IT STINKS!!

And if I’m incarcerated for one whole week, we start messing with porn sites — the FREE ones. Ooooohhh! Got your attention NOW, do I? [ he smiles deviously ]

There you have it. Hope to see you on the outside. In conclusion, I want to remind you that no matter how I die, even if there’s a suicide note, it was murder. Cheers!

[ he laughs maniacally snd sips his tea ]

[ the picture turns snowy again and fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8


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10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
The Devil…..Jason Sudeikis
Anthony Crispino…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers. Here are tonight’s top stories:

Many Democrats were upset this week with President Obama, saying that he failed to negotiate with the Republicans in extending the Bush-era tax cuts, and that he caved in on raising taxes with on the rich. Man, if other Democrats think you caved, you really caved! That’s like the Chess Club President calling you a nerd.

When Democrats this week rejected Obama’s compromise plan, the White House took a page from the music industry: If you’re not selling like you used to, break out the greatest hits.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was arrested on Monday, and now all Americans can sleep easy knowing they have nothing more to fear from the bad man who wanted them to read.

In an interview this week with Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey denied that she is a lesbian, saying, “I’m not even kind of a lesbian.” Said Walters, “I haven’t asked you a question yet.”

New Jersey’s first bear hunt in five years started Monday. So be on your guard, mob wives.

It was reported that a number of professional athletes are now seeking to copyright their personal slogans, including the New York Jets Darrelle Revis’ “Revis Island,” Michael Strahan’s “Stomp You Out,” Terrell Owens’ “I Love Me Some,” and, of course, Brett Farve’s “Say Hello To My Little Friend.”

A man in Kentucky has been sentenced to 33 months in prison for threatening President Obama in a poem called “The Sniper”. And I would guess that “Poetry” is the absolute worst answer you can give to the question: “what are you in for?”

Seth Meyers: A car carrying Prince Charles and his wife Camilla was attacked Thursday in London by angry student protesters who were upset over a hike in university tuition fees. And to find out what Charles and Camilla were saying, it’s time for a “Weekend Update Audio Caption.” [ show graphic ] And here to help me perform it — Paul McCartney. [ McCartney appears to thunderous applause ] Alright! Welcome to Weekend Update, Paul. Are you ready?”

Paul McCartney: I am.

Seth Meyers: Okay. So I will be the voice of Prince Charles, and you’ll be Camilla.

Paul McCartney: Great.

Seth Meyers: Okay. And… can you do an English accent?

Paul McCartney: I can try.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Annnnnd… action! [ as Prince Charles, over graphic ] “Ohhhhhhh, no!”

Paul McCartney: [ as Camilla ] “Oh, goodness me!”

Seth Meyers: “Ner-do-wells!”

Paul McCartney: “Ruffians!”

Seth Meyers: “Ohhhhh, Camilla!”

Paul McCartney: “Oh, Charles, do something!”

Seth Meyers: “Ohhhhhh, no matter what happens, I love you, Camilla!”

Paul McCartney: “And I love you!”

Seth Meyers & Paul McCartney: “I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!”

Seth Meyers: Annnnnd… scene! [ the audience applauds wildly ] So, uh — how do you think that went?

Paul McCartney: It’s probably the best thing I’ve ever worked on.

Seth Meyers: Paul McCartney, everyone!

It was announced that, after 70 years, the syndicated newspaper comic strip Brenda Starr will end. So now the comics page will have room for the edgy, new strip “Ziggy: Nights.”

A new report suggests that men who grow up in the country have larger penises than men who grow up in the city. I don’t know if that’s true… [ in a hick accent ] but I reckon it could be!

A&E, this week, cancelled David Hasselhoff’s new reality series “The Hasselhoffs”, after just two episodes. It’s hard to say how Hasselhoff will take the news, but I’m going to guess… lying down?

Seth Meyers: It’s Christmastime in New York, which means millions will be heading to the city to celebrate. Here with some tips on what New York can offer, is our City correspondent… Stefon.

Stefon: [ low-key ] Hey!

Seth Meyers: Stefon, how have you been?

Stefon: The same.

Seth Meyers: Okay. So, Stefon — lots of people are heading here for a great New York Christmas. Do you have any tips on what they can see and do?

Stefon: Yes. If you’re here from Ohio — or whatever — look no further: New York’s hottest club is Ounce! Located in the middle of the East River, this place has EVERYTHING! Chullos… cute people… a sheepdog that looks like Bruce Vilanch… an entire room of puppets doing karate!

Seth Meyers: I’m sorry? An, um… and why are puppets doing karate?

Stefon: Because it’s that thing of when someone calls Miss Piggy “fat”, and she goes: “Hiiiii-ya!” [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Um… Now, Stefon, when I said, you know, “Fun things for the holiday” —

Stefon: Yes.

Seth Meyers: I meant, uh, things that were a little more… normal.

Stefon: Mmm-hmmmmmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Seth Meyers: Um… can you think of anything that might be, a little more, sort of, like classic New York holiday.

Stefon: Mmm-hmm, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! If you want your Christmas in New York to be classic, look no further: New York’s hottest club is Ooooomph! This lower lower East Side dump is the creation of club owner Tranderson Cooper. And it finally answers the question: “Do I have to?” [ he makes a panicked face ] This place has everything! Schitzos… kite enthusiasts… and that’s not all! Look who just came in — it’s BLINGO!

Seth Meyers: I’m sorry? Blingo?

Stefon: Black Ringo!

Seth Meyers: Oh.

[ Stefon covers his face with his hands to keep from laughing ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… buddy. Um… I don’t know how to say this, but, look — I was brought up to respect people from all walks of life.

Stefon: Tolerance?

Seth Meyers: Yeah. And I glad that you have a world you feel comfortable in.

Stefon: Dungeon culture, yes. Yes.

Seth Meyers: But… but, look, buddy — you know, I’m kind of an old-fashioned guy. You know? Born and raised in New Hampshire —

Stefon: [ excited ] A glimpse into Seth Meyers! [ he covers his face with his hands and stifles his laughter ]

Seth Meyers: Okay. And, uh — I just wanted — I wanted… yeah! But I just wanted to help folks. You know?

Stefon: Folks. Mmm-hmm.

Seth Meyers: You know? And I want them to find some good old-fashioned Christmas cheer.

Stefon: Mmmmmmmmm… yes! [ he makes an o-face ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon, can you help us with that?

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! If you’re old… or into fashion… I’ve got the place for you: New York’s hottest holiday club is Blitzen! And, right now, they’re having a “12 Days of Christmas” dance party!

Seth Meyers: [ touched ] Oh! “12 Days of Christmas”. Now, see? That sounds nice!

Stefon: And it has EVERYTHING! [ singing ] “12 jacked albinos… 11 Little Richards… 10 piercer babies… 9 Asian Balkis… 8 gay Aladdins… 7 psychos swearing… 6 PuertaScreeches…” — Puerto Rican Screeches! [ he laughs ]

Seth Meyers: Of course! Of course. Yeah. We all knew that. We all knew that.

Stefon: “– 5 homeless Elmos… 4 coked-up frogs… 3 French hens… Tay-lor Ne-gron… and a hu-man park-ing co-o-o-o-one!”

Seth Meyers: So…

Stefon: Lay it on me, my man! What’s your question?

Seth Meyers: My question is: What’s a human parking cone?

Stefon: Yes! It’s that thing of when two jacked midgets… paint themselves orange and you have to parallel park between them! [ he covers his face with his hands and laughs uncontrollably ]

Seth Meyers: [ amused ] Oh, that thing! It’s that thing.

Stefon: Yes!

Seth Meyers: Stefon —

Stefon: I’ve done it!

Seth Meyers: I’m gonna ask you a serious question: Stefon, don’t you ever just want to have a normal Christmas?

Stefon: Well, I would… but no one ever invites Stefon to a normal Christmas. Awwwwww… [ he eggs the audience on to extend their sympathy ]

Seth Meyers: Well, look… Stefon. Would you like to come to New Hampshire with me?

Stefon: [ excited ] He asked me!

Seth Meyers: Stefon, everybody!

Stefon: I’m on top! I’m on top!

Seth Meyers: My good friend Stefon!

A New York City marketing group is trying to re-brand the area of Manhattan below Canal Street as “CanDo.” Which would be an improvement from its current nickname “Fish Stink Murder Town.”

A woman in England called police this week to report that her snowman had been stolen from her front yard. Oh, sure — the police are happy to get involved when a white person goes missing.

A two-year old girl in Pennsylvania had to be rescued by firefighters after she crawled inside a toy crane vending machine in a mall and became stuck. They were able to get her out safely, but it took, like, nine dollars in quarters.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Meryl Streep On Ice

Meryl Streep…..Abby Elliott
Woman #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Man #1…..Paul Brittain
Man #2…..Jason Sudeikis
Man #3…..Taran Killam

[ open on intercut close-up footage of an ice skater preparing for a performance ]

Announcer: This holiday season, at Madison Square Garden. There’s only one show… one skater… that families everywhere are flocking to see.

[ pan upward on skates to reveal: ]

Announcer: Meryl Streep… On Ice.

Meryl Streep: [ with mock humility ] Oh — STOP it! [ she shakes her head ]

[ reveal wide angle footage of Meryl Streep ice skating ]

Announcer: She mastered the stage… the screen… and now Meryl Streep takes to the rink.

[ cut to close-up of Meryl Streep as she holds a wine glass ]

Meryl Streep: Like it’s anything! I’m just… having fun!

[ wide angle footage of Meryl Streep performing a complicated move ]

Meryl Streep: I’ve skated twice.. in my life! [ she chuckles ]

[ wide angle footage of Meryl Streep performing a complicated move ]

[ cut to audience testimonials ]

Woman #1: It was… UNBELIEVABLE!

Man #1: BETTER than “Sophie’s Choice”!

[ cut to Man #2 ]

Man #2: [ emotional ] All of a sudden, she was out there — a-a-and I didn’t even know she could skate! And, uh — [ gasping as he fights a tear ] I don’t know why I’m getting emotional! [ he laughs ]

[ cut to kids ]

Kids: MERYL!! MERYL!! MERYL!! MERYL!!

[ cut to Man #2 ]

Man #2: [ tearing up ] I’m sorry!

[ cut to Man #3 ]

Man #3: Uhh — th bitch can SKATE!

[ wide angle footage of Meryl Streep performing a complicated move ]

Announcer: It’s Meryl Streep like you’ve NEVER seen her before.

[ cut to close-up of Meryl Streep as she holds a wine glass at a dinner table ]

Meryl Streep: I just… GET on the ice and GO! [ she chuckles and shakes her head at the idea ]

[ wide angle footage of Meryl Streep performing a complicated move ]

Announcer: Meryl Streep On Ice. Choreography by Nancy Meyers.

[ cut to kids ]

Kids: WE LOVE MERYL!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts