Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


December 11th, 2010

Paul Rudd

Paul McCartney

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A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: After being held hostage by the Republican Party, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) willingly authorizes tax cuts for the rich.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Paul Rudd’s MonologueSummary: Paul Rudd mistakenly thought fans chanting “Paul! Paul!” outside the building were interested in him, until he realizes his musical guest is Paul McCartney.

Transcript

Feline Culinary CreationsSummary: Succulent gourmet dishes are used as the inspiration for the wet square glop that ends up in finicky cats’ dinner bowls.

Note: This ad parody was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last two episodes.

Transcript

VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Paul Rudd) greet Romanian relatives (Nasim Pedrad, Paul Brittain) with wet, sloppy kisses over Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Vogelcheck, Mrs. Vogelcheck, Dwayne Vogelcheck, Santa Claus.

What’s That Name?Summary: Game show contestants (Paul Rudd, Vanessa Bayer) recognize third-tier celebrities, but can’t recall the little people like a building doorman (Kenan Thompson) and cleaning lady (Kristen Wiig) who are a part of their daily lives.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of last month’s episode hosted by Scarlett Johansson.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Paul Rudd are “Stumblin'” through life, with a tiny harmonica interlude courtesy of Paul McCartney.

Julian Assange in PrisonSummary: From prison, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange (Bill Hader interrupts a MasterCard ad to threaten his return to do personal harm against favorite Internet web sites.

Recurring Characters: Julian Assange.

Transcript

Sexually SpeakingSummary: Aggressive producer Roger Brush (Fred Armisen) fills in when the regular female host is too ill to do the show.

Recurring Characters: Roger Brush.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “Jet”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Paul McCartney join Seth Meyers for a Weekend Update Audio Caption by Prince Charles and Camilla. Stefon (Bill Hader) lists more inappropriate New York hotspots for families on Christmas vacation.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Transcript

Holiday JamSummary: Math teacher (Paul Rudd) makes bad puns as the school principal (Jay Pharoah) gets overemotional about the school mascot.

Meryl Streep On IceSummary: Despite lack of experience, Meryl Streep (Abby Elliott) is a beloved genius when she straps on a pair of ice skates and performs at Madison Square Garden.

Recurring Characters: Meryl Streep.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “Band on the Run”Lyrics

Broadway CaresSummary: Paul Rudd’s efforts to perform a solo from “Cabaret” is interrupted by stagehand Jeff’s (Jason Sudeikis) antics with the spotlight.

Recurring Characters: Mike Underballs, Jeff.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “A Day in the Life” / “Give Peace a Chance”Lyrics

Goodnights / Paul McCartney performs “Get Back”Transcript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Baby, It’s Cold OutsideSummary: A couple (Paul Rudd, Kristen Wiig) sing a Christmas ditty to one another.

Job FairSummary: Recruiters (Jason Sudeikis, Nasim Pedrad) interview a series of nervous and/or weird people and Paul McCartney for an available computer job.

BlackjackSummary: Blackjack dealer doesn’t properly deal the cards to players.

The Giving TreeSummary: Storyteller (Paul Rudd) goes nuts while reading a Christmas story to kids.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

WikiLeaks: TMZ

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Julian Assange…..Bill Hader
Writer #1…..Andy Samberg
Moammer Kaddafi…..Fred Armisen
Prostitute…..Kristen Wiig
Writer #2…..Paul Brittain
Hamid Karzai…..Robert DeNiro
Waiter…..Kenan Thompson
Writer #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Hillary Clinton…..Vanessa Bayer
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Uh — Good evening, my fellow Americans. Uhhhh — uh, yesterday I traveled to Afghanistan, uh, to speak with our brave men and women serving in the armed services. Uhhh — while the way forward may be difficult, and there are —

[ the picture turns to snow, then falls upon the image of Julian Assange ]

Julian Assange: Hello, America. I’m Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks, and I’ve taken over your airways. This week, my organization released thousands of cables revealing embarrassing details about the international diplomatic community. The leaks did not inspire revolution as I had hoped, so tonight I present a new WikiLeaks… where the leaks are even more embarrassing, and the details are even more sordid. Welcome to:

[ FLASHING SUPER: “WikiLeaks: TMZ” ]

[ dissolve to staff meeting ]

Julian Assange: So, where are we at today, guys? [ the staff is silent ] Looking for world leaders behaving badly. Come on!

Writer #1: Yeah. so, like, you know how one of the leaked cables says Kaddafi has a Ukranian nurse who never leaves his side?

Julian Assange: Yes. That was a juicy leak, yeah.

Writer #1: Yeah. Well, this nurse is a [ he makes obscene sound effects ] And our guys caught them leaving a hot new Bolivian restaurant. Check it.

[ footage plays of Kaddafi leaving restaurant with a prostitute ]

Voice: Hey, Moammer! Moamer Kaddafi! What’s up, man?

Moammer Kaddafi: I’m just finishing dinner.

Voice: Who’s the lady?

Moammer Kaddafi: Where’s the car? She’s my nurse.

Voice: She’s pretty hot for a nurse.

Moammer Kaddafi: [ nervous ] Where’s the car?! What did you say?

Voice: I said, she’s pretty hot for a nurse.

Prostitute: I am nurse.

Moammer Kaddafi: She’s just nurse! Abdul! Car!

Prostitute: And, also, prostitute.

[ STAMP: “WikiLeaked!” ]

[ return to staff meeting, staff members high-fiving one another ]

Julian Assange: Alright, alright, good stuff! Good stuff. Good stuff. But he’s an easy target. More! Feed me! Come on!

Writer #2: Uhhhh, hey! So, uh, you know how these cables keep saying Afghanistan’s really corrupt and you can’t get anything done unless you bribe someone in the government?

Julian Assange: Of course. Yeah.

Writer #2: Well… our guys caught up with President Hamid Karzai leaving ?? last night, and, uh… I think it kind of speaks for itself!

[ footage plays of Karzai leaving location ]

Voice: So your boy Obama was in Afghanistan. Did you get to see him?

Hamid Karzai: I did?

Voice: Did he ask you all about the bribery in your administration?

Waiter: Sir! You forgot your briefcase.

Hamid Karzai: [ stern ] I do not take bribes!

[ Karzai takes the briefcase, which pops open and spills money to the ground ]

[ STAMP: “WikiLeaked!” ]

[ return to staff meeting ]

Julian Assange: What an idiot. Good work. But what I really want for Christmas… is a takedown of Hillary clinton!

Writer #3: [ smarmy ] Well, ho ho ho! Your wishes are answered. One of our sources sent us a video that has to be seen to be believed.

Julian Assange: Who’s the source?

Writer #3: It’s top secret. But they shot it, they sent it to us, and you have NEVER seen Hillary Clinton like this before!

[ footage plays of Secret Service agents opening a limosine door to Hillary Clinton ]

Hillary Clinton: [ yapping on a cell phone ] What part of “spying on the UN” DON’T you understand? I want everything: hair samples, fingerprints, where they buy their groceries. [ she leans forward to exit the vehicle, revealing a pixelated crotch shot with no panties ] We’re the United States of America — we can do whatever we want! [ she sees the camera ] Hey! Are you filming me?!

[ the camera spins around to reveal its operator — Vice-President Joe Biden ]

Joe Biden: Hey-ohhh!! You just got BIDENED!! Ha ha!!

[ STAMP: “WikiLeaked!” ]

[ return to staff meeting ]

Staff: Whoaaaaaa!!

Writer #1: Schnap!!

Julian Assange: Indeed. [ to the camera ] So there you have it, America. Truth, courtesy of Julian Assange. [ the lights dim ] Do I suck a little bit? I do. Yeah. Can you try me for treason? You can’t, because I’m from Australia. But nice try, dummies. In closing, I want to remind you all: [ smugly ] No matter how I die… it was murder. And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

From the Garden with Mr. Produce

Tony Sicilia…..Robert DeNiro
Anthony…..Andy Samberg

[ open on show set, with title graphic on screen ]

Announcer: It’s “From the Garden”, with Mr. Produce himself, Tony Sicilia.

Tony Sicilia: Hi! Hi! Hello, everybody, and welcome to “From the Garden”! I’m Tony Sicilia. It may be December, but my California garden is still teeming with tasty products like these sweet potatoes right here. They’re loaded with Vitamin A, so what do you say we pump up the yams? I’m just gonna cut this yam. [ he slices the yam, revealing a moldy center ] Whoops! It looks like some potato bugs started eating this one already. Uh — [ he tosses the yam scraps over his shoulder ] I’ll cut another one. [ he slices another yam, but it’s also moldy ] Ah, for the love of — Where’s my son? [ he glances off-camera ] ANTHONY! Anthony!

[ Tony’s bored, college-aged son, Anthony, sidles onto camera ]

Tony Sicilia: Did you spray the potatoes last week when I was in New York to do the “Today” show?

Anthony Sicilia: [ angsty ] I don’t know, did I?

Tony Sicilia: It looks as if you did not.

Anthony Sicilia: Is that how it looks?

Tony Sicilia: You should have. [ he tosses the yam scrap over his shoulder ]

Anthony Sicilia: Should I have?

Tony Sicilia: We’ll talk about this later.

Anthony Sicilia: Will we?

Tony Sicilia: [ rubbing Anthony’s head ] Why don’t you skedaddle on out of here so your dad can do his show, okay?

Anthony Sicilia: Is that what I should do? Skedaddle?

[ Anthony squeezes a guava, as Tony shoves him off-camera ]

Tony Sicilia: That, of course, is Anthony, my oldest son who is home from college right now. And he’s been helping me in the garden. [ continuing ] Okay, so another one of my favorite vegetables is the winter squash. This one is a biggie, ’cause you can call it a sas-squash. And the first thing I like to do is to cut these in half, as I am doing. [ he struggles to cut the squash, finally revealing a soggy, moldy center ] Ah, you son of a BITCH! Anthony, you’re killing me! ANTHONY!!

[ Anthony steps forward ]

Tony Sicilia: Did you spray the squash when I asked you to?!

Anthony Sicilia: I don’t know, did I?

Tony Sicilia: Black mealworms have totally invaded this squash!!

Anthony Sicilia: Is that what they’ve totally done? Invaded it?

Tony Sicilia: You need to check your attutide, son.

Anthony Sicilia: Is that what I need to do?

[ Anthony squeezes a roma tomato and exits off-camera ]

Tony Sicilia: [ he tosses the squash scrap over his shoulder ] You know, you miht be racking your brains out at my son who would still be home for Thanksgiving break. It’s a new holiday he invented, called “College is Too Hard That Day”. You know, the way you celebrate it is taking your father’s hard-earned money and wiping your ass with it.

Anthony Sicilia: [ poking in for a moment ] Is that how you celebrate it?

Tony Sicilia: [ throwing vegetables at Anthony off-camera ] I’m gonna… take you on a PLANE… and I’m going to a COUNTRY… where a BEATING… a CHOKING… is ENCOURAGED!!! [ regaining his composure ] You know what else is really delicious? Jerusalem artichokes. And they aren’t really artichokes at all, they’re edible tubers. And these… are like — [ the artichoke crumbles in his hands ] Dry as dust. ANTHONYYY!!!

Anthony Sicilia: What’s up!

Tony Sicilia: I’ll TELL you what’s UP! Did you even water the garden while I was away?!

Anthony Sicilia: I don’t know. Did I do that?

Tony Sicilia: If you answer my questions with a question one more time, I’m gonna shove a TURNIP right up your ying-yang!

Anthony Sicilia: [ shaking his head ] You know what, Dad? You spend all your time nurturing vegetables and running off to the “Today” show… but you NEVER take the time to ask me real questions. Like: “Are you afraid to admit you’re hacing a tough time at college, son?”

Tony Sicilia: [ softening ] Anthony… I didn’t realize!

Anthony Sicilia: Maybe you should ask yourself: “Have you watered your son lately?” “Have you sprayed him so he doesn’t get EATEN ALIVE by the caterpillars of college pressure?”

Tony Sicilia: I’m so sorry!

Anthony Sicilia: [ sobbing ] Is that what you are?

Tony Sicilia: YES!! I am!

[ they hug each other affectionately, then begin to punch and pound each other in the back and practically strangle one another ]

Tony Sicilia: [ to the camera ] Next week, we’ll be talking about CIDER!

Anthony Sicilia: Oh, is that what we’ll be talking about?! Cider?!

Tony Sicilia: Yeah! Come here, you little bastard!!

[ they tumble to the floor to settle the matter ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Robert DeNiro’s Monologue

…..Robert DeNiro
Audience Member #1…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Audience Member #2…..Paula Pell
Audience Member #3…..Rob Klein

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Robert DeNiro!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Robert DeNiro: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, thank you, thank — okay, okay, okay, SHUT UP! [ the audience laughs and quiets down ] It’s GREAT to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m hoping this will really kickstart my movie career. And it’s a real thrill to be with all of you here tonight — in NEW YORK CITY!! [ wild applause ] There are millions of tourists, this time of year. But they don’t get to see the REAL New York — the New York I know. Because this is MY town. No one knows the city better than ME. New York, New York. The City of Angels. Home of the Golden Gate Bridge! I love grabbing some famous New York ribs and catching a show at Epcot Center. It’s New York, baby! Just think — 1,000 people in one city. From all foreignicities. I mean, it’s truly a melting basket. And that’s why we have neighborhoods like Chinatown, Frenchworld, and Amish Paradise. Because it’s New York, U.S.A.!

Audience Member #1: Uh, excuse me? Yeah, I think you might have a couple of your facts wrong.

[ DeNiro stares him down ]

Audience Member #1: I’m so sorry. [ he sits ]

Robert DeNiro: New York City. Land of a Thousand Lakes! And, as they say here in New York: “Forget about… this!” And in New York, we don’t do anything halfway. That’s why we have the tallest building in the world — the Taj Mahal!

Audience Member #2: Hey, excuse me? Have you even been to New York before?

Robert DeNiro: Sal, could you please..?

[ a couple of bodyguards remove Audience Member #2 from the audience ]

Audience Member #2: Hey!

Robert DeNiro: This is New York, baby! Land of the Free, Home of the Atlanta Braves! You know, I still go back to my old neighborhood sometimes — 500 Street. And I visit my old performing arts school where it all began — Hogwart’s.

Audience Member #3: Alright, Mr. DeNiro — I think we’ve all heard enough!

Robert DeNiro: Oh, really? Have we? Are you sure? Sal? Give him that thing.

[ DeNiro’s bodyguards hand the audience member a blood-soaked cloth, then unwrap it to reveal a severed horse’s head ]

Audience Member #3: I’m sorry. [ he sits ]

Robert DeNiro: Obviously… I’m just messing with you guys. It’s what New Yorkers do. The truth is, I love New York City and it’s great to be here hosting the BEST show in New York — “Friday Night Lights”! We got a great show for you tonight. Diddy Dirty Money is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

It’s a Living

Calvin…..Andy Samberg
Tristan…..Jason Sudeikis
Bartender…..Taran Killan
Drifter #1…..Robert DeNiro
Drifter #2…..Ben Stiller

[ open on exterior, Mullins Bar ]

[ dissolve to interior, as Calvin and Tristan step up to the bar ]

Calvin: Agh! That was the most stressful day of my life, man!

Tristan: Yeah. It sounds like it. Well, uh, the first one’s on me, alright?

Calvin: Alright. [ to the bartender ] Excuse me? Bartender?

[ the Bartender extends a passing glance, then completely rebuffs him ]

Tristan: Oh! The bartenders here are the WORST.

Calvin: Yeah. This always happens, you know? Like, who do I have to screw to get a drink around here?

[ Drifter #1 ambles forward ]

Drifter #1: Me.

Calvin: I’m sorry… what?

Drifter #1: You asked: “Who do I have to screw to get a drink?” The answer is ME!

Tristan: Yeah, but — [ he laughs ] That’s just a figure of speech! Right?

Drifter #1: No! It’s not.

Calvin: [ he shrugs ] Man… this is gonna SUCK!

Tristan: Wait — no! Calvin! You’re not actually considering doing this?

Calvin: I really want a drink, man!

Tristan: WHAT?! Will you LOOK at him?!

Calvin: What? He’s not all that bad. I mean… he kind of looks like Gandolf.

Tristan: Yeah — no! I-I-I can SEE that, but you can NOT do this!

Calvin: Hey, Tristan? You’re acting like a real SQUARE! Now, SAVE my spot, ’cause I’m about to go score a drink!

[ Calvin takes the Drifter’s hand and follows him into a broom closet, giving a final thumbs-up before he disappears ]

[ SUPER: “7 HOURS LATER” ]

[ Calvin emerges weak-kneed from the broom closet, as the Bartender hands over a beer ]

Tristan: Well?

Calvin: NOT worth it!

Tristan: Yeah. Alright.

[ the Drifter ambles forward ]

Drifter #1: Hey, sport, look — sorry it took so long in there.

Calvin: Yeah…

Drifter #1: It’s just, uh, that I find you SO unattractive. It took me while to, you know, “get” there. But, you gotta admit, when I got there… I really GOT there!

Calvin: Yeah. Thank you.

Drifter #1: [ he looks at Tristan ] Hey, there. Sport! You thirsty?

Tristan: No. I’m good. Thank you, though.

Drifter #1: You sure? How about just a shot of something?

Tristan: [ trying to resist ] Aw, dammit! …DAMMIT! It HAS been a stressful day. Just a shot?

Drifter #1: Just a shot.

Tristan: Alright, let’s go.

[ the Drifter offers his hand ]

Tristan: Aw, that’s nice!

[ Tristan takes the Drifter’s hand and follows him into a broom closet, giving a final thumbs-up before he disappears ]

[ SUPER: “6 1/2 HOURS LATER” ]

[ Tristan emerges dazed from the broom closet, as the Bartender hands over a shot ]

Calvin: So?

Tristan: [ chugs his shot ] It was BAD! Not a fun time. No, it was HORRIBLE!

[ the Drifter ambles forward ]

Drifter #1: Hey, Sport.

Tristan: Ah, hey.

Drifter #1: I — I-I — I gotta apologize. I took forever in there. Both of you guys are just CRAP ugly!

Tristan: Okay, yeah! I’d rather not talk about it.

Drifter #1: Hey, what’s with the attitude? I’m just doing my thing.

Calvin: No, buddy, it’s not even really you.

Tristan: Yeah. No, the real problem is your friend back there.

[ a second drifter emerges from the broom closet ]

Drifter #2: Hey, guys. Ready for Round Two?

Calvin: The guy’s INSATIABLE!

Drifter #2: That was a nice little rehearsal, but I think we need to bump it UP a notch. [ he rubs his goatee ] I’m gonna need WAY more eye contact!

[ Calvin and Tristan think it over ]

Calvin: Well… he does have really nice eyes.

Tristan: He has GORGEOUS eyes!

Calvin: Yeah.

Drifter #1: One more round?

Calvin: Was there ever a doubt?

[ the Drifter extends his hand ]

Drifter #1: This one’s on me!

[ Drifter #2 extends both of his hands and flexes his fingers ]

Calvin: Eeeuuggh!! What are you doing!

[ they all exit into the broom closet together ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Goodnights

…..Robert DeNiro

[ dissolve to the Home Base stage ]

[ Robin Williams, behind DeNiro, yells out, prompting most of the others onstage to yell along with him ]

Robert DeNiro: My thanks… to Diddy Dirty Money, Robin Williams, Ben Stiller! [ Diddy leans in to kiss DeNiro on the cheek ] Lorne, Steve, the cast and crew! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Little Fockers

Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Denise…..Nasim Pedrad
Keith…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Robert DeNiro
Schedule Boy…..Paul Brittan
Pat…..Bill Hader
…..Ben Stiller

[ open on exterior, Stage 18 ]

[ dissolve to interior stage ]

Director: Well, that’s a wrap for the day. Nice work, everyone. “Little Fockers” is going to be great.

[ the crew disperses ]

Denise: Hey, James.

Director: Hey, Denise. How you doing?

Denise: Well, remember when I told you about my thirteen-year old nephew Keith?

Director: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s a big fan, right?

Denise: He LOVED “Meet the Parents”, he LOVED “Meet the Fockers” — he’s OBSESSED! [ she laughs ] Would it be okay if I showed him around?

Director: Yeah, of course! Where is he?

Denise: Oh…

[ she looks around to see Keith shyly peeking out from behind a side wall ]

Denise: He’s a little shy! Come on!

Director: Hey, it’s okay, buddy. Come on out.

Keith: It’s okay?

Director: Yeah.

Keith: It’s okay?

Denise: It’s okay, Sweetie. Come on!

[ Keith shyly steps further onto the stage ]

Keith: Wow! [ he laughs ] This is where they’re making “Little Fockers”!

Director: Yeah, that’s right, kiddo. Hey, check it out! This right here? This is the camera.

Keith: WHAT?!! [ he laughs ] The REAL one?!

Director: Yeah, yeah. Go ahead — look through it.

Keith: [ peeking through the lens ] WOOOWWW!!

Director: Pretty cool, huh?

Keith: Wow!

[ Charles the Caterer enters ]

Director: And, hey — Charles! This is Charles right here. [ Charles steps forward ] Charles runs craft services for us. Charles is in charge of all the food on the set.

Keith: [ amazed ] REALLY?!! On the REAL “Fockers” set?!

Charles: Yeah, that’s right. Here — help yourself to some candy, little man.

Keith: WHAT?!! HA HA HA HA!! NO WAY!! [ he digs in ]

[ Charles high-fives Keith ]

Keith: Wow!

[ Robert DeNiro enters ]

Robert DeNiro: Ah! I hear we have a special visitor on the set.

Denise: Oooooh! Honey! Honey, you really lucked out! Look who’s here! It’s Robert DeNiro!

Robert DeNiro: Hey, kid!

Keith: [ calmly, uninterested ] Hello.

Robert DeNiro: I hear — I hear you’re a big “Fockers” fan!

Keith: [ nodding silently ] Yeah… yeah, I am.

Robert DeNiro: [ taken aback ] Well, you don’t seem…

Keith: [ shaking his head ] What? I-I don’t seem what?

Robert DeNiro: Nothing. Forget it.

Keith: [ shrugs ] Okay.

[ the Schedule Boy enters ]

Schedule Boy: Hey, everyone. I’ve got tomorrow’s schedule.

Keith: [ excited ] WHAT?!! The REAL one?!!

Schedule Boy: Yeah. You want a copy?

Keith: Oh, to KEEP?!!

Schedule Boy: Yeah.

Keith: OH!! It’s okay?!!

Denise: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keith, calm down, Sweetie. [ to DeNiro ] I’m sorry — he’s just really into movies and movie culture.

Robert DeNiro: Oh, is that so?

Keith: [ calmly ] Yes, it is.

[ DeNiro and Keith stare each other down viciously ]

[ Pat enters ]

Denise: Oh! And, honey, look — it’s Pat! He takes care of all the make-up!

Keith: WHAAATT?!! ALL OF IT?!!

Pat: [ feyly ] Actually, I just take it off!

Keith: [ laughing excitedly ] But, STILL!!

Robert DeNiro: Come on! You’re impressed by Pat?!

Pat: HEY!!

Robert DeNiro: His whole job is to make ME look good.

Keith: Well… where was he when you made “Analyze That”?

[ crew members stand silent, hoping the moment will pass ]

[ DeNiro and Keith stare each other down viciously again ]

Denise: I’m… so sorry, Mr. DeNiro. He’s a HUGE movie fan. He’s just not really interested in actors.

[ suddenly, Ben Stiller enters ]

Ben Stiller: Hey! Who’s this?

Keith: OH, MY GOD!! BEN STILLER!! AAGGGHHH!! [ he runs up to Stiller, pushing DeNiro aside ] Get out of the way! [ hugging Stiller ] I LOVE your movies!

Ben Stiller: Oh, thanks, man!

Robert DeNiro: Alright. Okay, okay, okay. ‘Cause of all our kids’ movies, yeah.

Ben Stiller: Which one’s your favorite?

Keith: “Permanent Midnight”. [ to DeNiro ] Now, THAT’S how you do Drama.

[ Stiller smiles smugly as DeNiro fumes ]

Denise: Well, we should go!

Robert DeNiro: Wait, wait! Don’t leave. I’ll do some lines from the movie for you. I’ll even do some of Ben’s lines!

Director: No, hey, come on, dude. [ DeNiro resists ] You’re an icon, you don’t need to do this.

Robert DeNiro: What? Give me a chance. Come on!

Ben Stiller: Let it go, man. Seriously, let it go.

Denise: Sweetie, let’s take a picture with everyone!

Keith: [ excited ] It’s okay?! Wowwww! [ he wraps his arm around Stiller, then pushes his copy of the schedule in front of DeNiro’s face ]

Denise: Cheese!

Keith: Cheeeeeese!

[ the picture is snapped and revealed as a still image ]

[ pull back on the stage shot, then pan over to the SNL House Band ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Blizzard Man

Female Studio Exec……Kristen Wiig
Male Studio Exec…..Jason Sudeikis
Himself…..Sean “Diddy” Combs
Studio Engineer…..Kenan Thompson
Blizzard Man…..Andy Samberg
Mrs. Blizzard…..Robert DeNiro

[FADE IN on the exterior of Superhits Studios. FADE inside to the recording studio, where Sean “Diddy” Combs stands behind the engineer and two execs stand across the room.]

Female Studio Exec: Alright Diddy, you’re a week past deadline on this album. I hope you have some good stuff to show us.

Diddy: Don’t worry about it. I got this guy that’s comin’ in that’s crazy; he’s the hottest hook guy in the business.

Male Studio Exec: Oh yeah? Who’s that, Trey Songz?

Diddy: Better.

Female Studio Exec: Bruno Mars?

Diddy: No. Blizzard Man.

Studio Engineer: Oh, the Blizzard Man. Yeah, I’ve heard of him; legend has it he’s a hip hop hermit.

[The door buzzer goes off]

Diddy: That must be him right there.

[He walks to the door as it opens up. Enter Blizzard Man, a white guy with blow-dry hair in a multicolored jacket. They exchange a hip-hop handshake and hug.]

Blizzard Man: Yo.

Diddy: Blizzy Blaze, my man!

Blizzard Man: What it do?

Diddy: You ready to do this?

Blizzard Man: Wiggity word!

[Blizzard Man removes his jacket, drops it on the floor, and enters the recording booth.]

Diddy: Okay, let’s go

Studio Engineer: [looking a bit confused] So, uh, that’s the Blizzard Man?

Diddy: Yeah, it’s the Blizzard Man. Check this, man; don’t judge a book by its cover. My man is like R. Kelly, Erykah Badu, Kate Hudson all rolled into one.

[Both studio execs nod their heads.]

Male Studio Exec: Mmm-hmm. [smiling] Now you’re speakin my language, Diddy.

Diddy: [bends over toward the microphone] Aight, Blizz; I’m gonna let the beat rock, and you just do your thing baby. Let’s go!

Blizzard Man: Holla back.

[A hip-hop track starts playing as Blizzard Man starts rocking to the beat.]

Blizzard Man: Yo, I’m ‘bout to set it! It’s your boy Young Blizz! I’m a just do me! Check my style out!

[As the beat keeps going, Blizzard Man launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]

Blizzard Man: Rap song, rap song, rap is the fad that the kids all dig! Fancy duds are what we sport, and when the ladies shake the leg we peek at their buns! Yo, where Brooklyn at? [crosses his arms with a smug look on his face]

Diddy: Woooo! [pumps his fist in the air.] Black class, black fire! Brooklyn’s in the house! I told y’all, that’s my man! He’s crazy!

Studio Engineer: [confused, disgusted look on his face] What? That was awful!

Male Studio Exec: Yeah, yeah.

Female Studio Exec: Yeah that was…that sucked.

Male Studio Exec: It was bad. It sucked bad.

Diddy: Y’all just hatin’. That kid in there, he’s the truth.

[The door buzzer goes off again]

Studio Engineer: Well, who is that?

Blizzard Man: Yo, that’s my Momz.

[The door opens. Enter Mrs. Blizzard – an older woman with a horrendous multicolored shirt, stretch pants, pink shades, and a large gold chain around her neck.]

Mrs. Blizzard: What’s up, snitches?

Diddy: [checking her out] It’s indeed a pleasure to meet you. [kisses her hand and continues to admire her]

Mrs. Blizzard: Oh Diddis, you know a bitch gotta stay dipped!

Diddy: Indeed.

Studio Engineer: [looking very confused] Whaaaat?!

Diddy: Alright, let’s get back to makin’ this smash. [bends over toward the microphone] Hey Blizzy Rock, let’s hit it one more time baby!

[The hip-hop track starts playing once again as Blizzard Man moves to the beat.]

Blizzard Man: Yo! Uh! Streets want it! Another bad creation! You crazy for this one, MC Scat Cat? Check my style out!

[The beat keeps going, and Blizzard Man once again launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]

Blizzard Man: The city is spooky, but we’re not scared. We hang on the stoop and razz the cops. Then we stuff socks down the front of our jeans, and the gals see the bulge and they think it’s our wang! Yo! No homo. [crosses his arms with a smug look on his face]

Diddy: Woooo!

Studio Engineer: [looking thoroughly agitated] NO!

Diddy: What you talking ‘bout? My boy just killed it in there!

Mrs. Blizzard: Yeah, don’t front on Blitz. He’s…he’s spittin’ hot fire!

Diddy: [turns to Mrs. Blizzard and checks her out once again] No, girl, you the one that’s hot fire. You wasn’t my man’s mom, I’d tear that ass up.

Mrs. Blizzard: Thank you! [turns around and grinds against Diddy with her rear-end]

[The male studio exec can’t believe what he’s hearing / seeing.]

Female Studio Exec: Ummm, you must be really proud of your son?

Mrs. Blizzard: Oh yes indeed. He’s a roughneck who gets his thug on, and he looks like a young Denzel.

[CUT to Blizzard Man in the booth; he has a moronic, blank stare on his face and his mouth hangs open.]

Studio Engineer: Man, he looks like he’s going to the bathroom!

Diddy: Alright alright, one more time. [bends towards the microphone] Blizz Nasty, come on, I want you to really put it on ‘em this time. Let’s go!

[Hip-hop track resumes]

Blizzard Man: Yo! Bad boy is in the buildin’! We run New York! Diddy and Blizzy! Nineteen ninety FORK!

Studio Engineer: [to Diddy] Ninety fork?

Blizzard Man: Yo, parents don’t understand! Hungry like the wolf! Check my style out!

[Blizzard Man once again launches into his terrible, off-beat / off-key rap. As he raps, the camera CUTS to the studio execs and the engineer – all with horrified looks on their faces.]

Blizzard Man: New York is a heck of a town. We all talk funny ‘cuz we’re from the streets. We shoot the crud and drink malted beers, and wear novelty chains of enormous size. This song needed pizzazz; I’m makin’ it cook with my velvety pipes.

[Diddy and Mrs. Blizzard begin dancing; bumping and grinding to the music.]

Blizzard Man: The glare from our diamonds are so dang bright that I lose my stomach and barf on the stool. Doop doop doobidy doop boop a doop…

Male Studio Exec: Well congratulations, Diddy. I think you got yourself another hit.

Diddy: As I told y’all, we going straight to the top with this one baby. Yeeah!

[FADE to a Daily Press newspaper headline which reads, “NEW DIDDY SONGS HITS #1: BLIZZARD MAN’S MOM TO APPEAR ON THE COVER OF ‘KING’ MAGAZINE.” HOLD on the chart for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Nick F.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Greetings from American America: I, Hippie

Voice of Hippie…..Dana Carvey

[ SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE & BEYOND THE COMICS presents… ]

[ intercut images within postcard entitled “Greetings from American America” ]

[ psychedelic shapes form into the image of an aged hippie ]

[ title: “I, Hippie” — with Dana Carvey ]

Hippie: I remember getting onboard Ken Kesey’s bus, and we’d drive on down to Big Sur and listen to the music of our time, man! Or some of the latest beat poetry laid down by Jack Kerouac or Ginsberg. We were changing the way it all worked, man! And thumbing our noses at the powers-that-be. And it was beautiful!

[ pull back to reveal that the hippie is standing behind a fast food counter ]

Hippie: Anyhow — Welcome to Burger King. May I take your order, please?

[ credits ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

The Abacus Conundrum

Harlan Kane…..Robert DeNiro

[ open on images of various book covers ]

Announcer: From best selling novelist Harlan Kane, author of “The Medici Codex”, “The Perseus Enigma”, and “The Genghis Rubicon”… comes an all-new thriller that you won’t be able to put down:

[ dissolve to new book cover ]

Announcer: “The Abacus Conundrum”.

[ dissolve to Harlan Kane proudly holding up his new book ]

Harlan Kane: I wrote another book. Buckle up!

[ dissolve to more book covers ]

Announcer: He had you on the edge of your seat, with “The Harlequin Protocol”, “The Ichabod Formula”, and “The Pinochet Sudoku”.

[ dissolve to new book cover ]

Announcer: He’ll blow you over the edge… with “The Abacus Conundrum”.

[ dissolve to close-up of Harlan Kane ]

Harlan Kane: Did you buckle up yet?

[ dissolve to more book covers ]

Announcer: “The Nostradamus Mechanism”, “The Godiva Gyroscope”, “The Pokemon Directive”.

[ dissolve to close-up of Harlan Kane smirking ]

Announcer: And now, Harlan Kane has crafted his most brilliant adventure yet!

[ cut to Harlan Kane jumping from the excitement of reading his own book ]

Harlan Kane: Whoa-oa! [ laughing ] Didn’t see that coming! [ he holds his composure and smirks ]

[ dissolve to more book covers ]

Announcer: The acclaimed visionary behind “The Vespucci Containment”, “The Grimmelman Mosaic”, and “The Marmaduke Betrayal”.

[ dissolve to new book cover ]

Announcer: And now… “The Abacus Conundrum”.

[ cut to Harlan Kane still reading his own book ]

Harlan Kane: A lot of good words in this book.

[ dissolve to more book covers ]

Announcer: AND… in January 2011… get ready for: “The Picasso Imbroglio”, “The Brenda Effect”, “The Fuddruckers Ultimatum”, AND “Mac for Dummies”.

[ dissolve to close-up of Harlan Kane smirking and moving his head around ]

Announcer: ALL from visionary author Harlan Kane!

[ dissolve to new book cover ]

Announcer: “The Abacus Conundrum”.

[ dissolve to Harlan Kane shrugging his shoulders ]

Harlan Kane: I don’t know. People keep reading them!

[ dissolve to new book cover, with “$8.99 at Rite-Aid” tag ]

Announcer: Available EVERYWHERE!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts