For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 7
10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine
Goodnights
…..Anne Hathaway
Anne Hathaway: Thank you SO much to Florence and the Machine! Thank you to the cast, the crew — oh my gosh! The pages! Oh — to Lorne! To Higgins! To everybody! This was quite a week! I don’t want it to be over, let’s do it all again! Thank you so much, everybody — you’re incredible! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 7
10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine
Camel Tame
Businesswoman…..Kristen Wiig
Female Employee…..Nasim Pedrad
Male Employee…..Bill Hader
[ open on work meeting ]
Businesswoman: Okay, people, we are working through lunch today and I’d better start hearing some good ideas.
Male Employee: Im sorry — I ordered chicken fingers, not camel toe.
[ the other employees begin to snicker among themselves ]
Businesswoman: What? Camel toe? Not now!
Female Employee: Camel toe got you down?
Businesswoman: You know it.
Female Employee: Youre not alone.
Businesswoman: You, too?
Female Employee: [ nods ] Camel toe affects millions of women every day. Its the result of wearing tight-fitting clothes like leggings, tights and other activewear. Camel toe puts your private parts on public display.
Businesswoman: How do you handle it?
Female Employee: With this. [ she holds up the product ]
Businesswoman: Camel Tame?
Female Employee: Camel Tame, with its Sure Fit strip, creates a protective layer between your clothes and your business that ensures you’ll never have to face the embarrassment of camel toe again.
[ cut to another woman demonstrating by placing the bulging product into her pants to create the female version of an erection ]
Female Employee: Camel Tame is comfortable, easy to use and one hundred percent effective every day.
[ other demonstrations include a woman working out while using Camel Tame, and another woman trying on a pair of shoes at a department store ]
Female Employee: Youll get noticed for all the right reasons.
[ cut to a later business meeting, as K speaks to her employees ]
Businesswoman: Okay people, listen up —
Male Employee: I’m sorry, but —
Businesswoman: Yes?
[ she turns to reveal the erotic bulge in her pants ]
Male Employee: [ turned on ] You have my full attention.
Two Women: Thanks, Camel Tame!
Announcer: Got camel toe? Get Camel Tame.
[ fade ]
Submitted by: Jacques
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 7
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:Guest Writer:
November 20th, 2010
Anne Hathaway
Florence and the Machine
None
None
None
John Lutz The Rachel Maddow Show
Summary: Rachel Maddow (Abby Elliott) discusses the mid-term election results with John Boehner (Bill Hader), Nancy Pelosi (Kristen Wiig), and Charles Rangel (Kenan Thompson).
Recurring Characters: Rachel Maddow, John Boehner, Nancy Pelosi.
Transcript
Montage
Anne Hathaway’s Monologue
Summary: Because Anne Hathaway is willing to do nude scenes in her movies, male cast members have rewritten their sketches so they can glimpse her naked up close.
Transcript
TSA
Summary: The Transportation Security Administration looks forward to checking you in a most seductive way this holiday season.
Transcript
The Miley Cyrus Show
Summary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) has a pretty cool time interviewing Katie Holmes (Anne Hathaway).
Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus.
Transcript
Penelope
Summary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) ones-up the fellowship members handing out a free Thanksgiving dinner at the Lutheran Church.
Recurring Characters: Penelope, Lou.
Transcript
Visiting the Queen
Summary: Queen Elizabeth (Fred Armisen) and Prince Philip (Bill Hader) feel threatened when Prince William (Andy Samberg) becomes engaged to commoner Kate Middleton (Anne Hathaway).
Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth II.
Transcript
Florence and the Machine perform “Dog Days Are Over”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Guy Fieri (Bobby Moynihan) raves about alcohol-soaked Thanksgiving delicacies. Seth Meyers chides “Come On, Dictionary” when a Sarah Palin spelling error joins the ranks of real words. Four Loko creator Chris Hunter (Jason Sudeikis) comments on the banishment of his caffeinated alcohol drink. Jay Pharoah does impressions of rappers performing hip-hop flavored Thanksgiving Day songs.
Recurring Characters: Guy Fieri.
The Essentials with Robert Osborne
Summary: TCM host Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) presents deleted scenes from “The Wizard of Oz” featuring a talking weather vane (Fred Armisen).
Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal when Jon Hamm hosted last month.
Transcript
WXPD News
Summary: Elder reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) teeters through a live remote.
Transcript
Mega-Mart
Summary: Spokesman (Bobby Moynihan) pitches the extreme Black Friday deals that will only last 12 minutes and are guaranteed to cause mass hysteria.
Transcript
Camel TameSummary: Businesswomen (Kristen Wiig, Nasim Pedrad) avoid embarrassing camel toe by wearing a padded bulge in their tight clothing.
Note: This ad parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.
Transcript
Florence and the Machine perform “You’ve Got the Love”
Horse Play
Summary: Assorted musical acts perform various tracks from the soundtrack to “Horse Play”.
Recurring Characters: Randy Newman, Alanis Morissette, Adam Lambert.
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
The Thanksgiving Awards
Summary: Culled fom videos of family Thanksgiving feasts, awards are passed out for categories like “Most Uncomfortable Grace”, as well as a Lifetime Achievement Award to Grandpa (Bobby Moynihan) for his annual outbursts.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 6
10f: Scarlett Johansson / Arcade Fire
Unstoppable
Denzel Washington as Frank Barnes…..Jay Pharaoh
Chris Pine as Will Colson…..Taran Killam
Rosario Dawson as Dispatcher Connie Hooper…..Scarlett Johansson
Co-worker…..Paul Brittain
[ SUPER: “THIS NOVEMBER” ]
[ SUPER: “ALL HOPE RIDES” ]
[ dissolve to forward view of train ]
[ SUPER: “ON THE COURAGE OF TWO MEN” ]
Frank Barnes: So you’re my new partner, huh? I didn’t know I was runnin’ a day care center!
[ SUPER: “DENZEL WASHINGTON” ]
Will Colson: Yeah, well, I didn’t know I was working in a retirement home, so —
[ SUPER: “CHRIS PINE” ]
[ rapid cuts as each man stares the other down until, finally, Denzel cracks a smile and smacks his hands together ]
Frank Barnes: All-right!
[ intercuts of the train barrelling forward and Connie Hooper and co-worker in the dispatch booth ]
Connie Hopper: We have an unmanned train with eight freight cars of hazardous chemicals with no air brakes! It’s not a train — it’s a MISSILE the size of the CHRYSLER BUILDING!
[ cut to the train ]
Frank Barnes: [ chuckling ] Let’s do this, Rookie!
Will Colson: Don’t call me “Rookie”, Old Man! I KNOW trains!
Frank Barnes: Where’d you learn trains, huh? “Thomas the Tank Engine”?
Will Colson: Yeah, where did YOU learn trains, Old Man? From inventing them?
[ rapid cuts as each man stares the other down until, finally, Denzel cracks a smile and smacks his hands together ]
Frank Barnes: Ha ha haaaaa! LOVE IT!
[ cut to dispatch booth ]
Connie Hopper: Guys! We need you to STOP that train… NOW!
Co-worker: It gets worse!
Connie Hopper: It’s on a collision course with a train full of kids on a field trip!
Co-worker: It gets worse!
Connie Hopper: The field trip was to a petroleum refinery, and they all brought home souvenier gasoline! That’s enough flaming kids to hold hands in a circle around the Chrysler Building!
[ cut to the train ]
Will Colson: What are we gonna do?
Frank Barnes: Relax, Rugrat — don’t soil your diaper, huh!
Will Colson: Don’t soil your Depends, Old Man!
[ rapid cuts as each man stares the other down until, finally, Denzel cracks a smile and smacks his hands together ]
Frank Barnes: Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa! ALL-RIGHT!! You see, he’s insulted me and I’m ALLOWING it!!
[ cut to dispatch booth ]
Connie Hopper: Guys! What’s the status?!
Frank Barnes: It seems we’re coming to a begrudging respect for one another! When we met, we focused on our differences!
Will Colson: But now it appears that we have more in common than we thought.
Frank Barnes: Now! What did you want to say?
Connie Hopper: A nursing home shuttle bus got stuck on the track —
Frank Barnes: BOOM!!!
[ an explosion, as the train crashes through the shuttle bus ]
Will Colson: There’s gotta be a way to stop it!
Connie Hopper: We’re trying to figure that out, but we’re going through a hundred years’ of files! It’s like trying to find a needle… in the CHRYSLER BUILDING!
[ SUPER: “INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS” ]
Frank Barnes: You’re too YOUNG!!
Will Colson: You’re too OLD!!
[ they rush one another and hug ]
Frank Barnes: I LOVE this guy! [ he cries ] O-kay!
[ cut to dispatch booth ]
Connie Hopper: Here’s the WORST news yet — there’s a train ON TOP OF the runaway train! That’s like a CHRSYLER BUILDING on top of a CHRYSLER BUILDING!
Frank Barnes: Chugga-chugga CHOO-CHOO! Ha haaaa! BOOM!!!
[ an explosion as the train crashes vehicles on the tracks ]
[ a helicopter choppers above the train ]
[ cut to dispatch booth ]
Connie Hopper: Good news! We’re able to get the runaway on the emergency track!
Will Colson: Where does that go?
Co-worker: [ looking in the files ] 42nd and Lexington — New York.
Connie Hopper: That’s the CHRYSLER BUILDING!
[ cut to exterior, Chrysler Building ]
[ train horn sounds ]
[ the Chrysler Building explodes ]
[ SUPER: “UNSTOPPABLE” ]
[ SUPER: “IN THEATERS NOW” ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 6
10f: Scarlett Johansson / Arcade Fire
M-TV
Candace…..Scarlett Johansson
Mario Lopez…..Andy Samberg
Nick Cannon…..Jay Pharoah
Teenage Girl…..Vanessa Bayer
Snooki…..Bobby Moynihan
[ M-TV logo ]
Announcer: From M-TV — the network that brought you “16 And Pregnant” and “Teen Mom” — comes a groundbreaking new series that explores how it feels to be young and pregnant… and FABULOUS!
[ reveal new show logo ]
Announcer: It’s “My Super Sweet 16 And Pregnant”!
[ screen sparkles, then dissolves to Candace dressed fabulously for her birthday even though she’s pregnant and lying on a hospital bed ]
Candace: I’m rich… I’m beautiful… and I’m fully dilated! This is gonna be the BEST party ev-er!
[ camera zooms out to reveal her friends circled around the bed ]
Friends: Whoo-oo-ooooooo!!!
[ close-up of Candace breathing in and out ]
Friends: Go, Candace!! Go, Candace!! Go, Candace!! Go, Candace!!…
Announcer: And it gets even MORE pregnant! Get ready for “America’s Best Pregnant Dance Crew”! Hosted by America’s favorite D.I.L.F.: Mario Lopez!
[ cut to Mario Lopez on set ]
Mario Lopez: Albuquerque, New Mexico! Give it up for… Stretch Markz!
[ four pregnant teenagers do a hip-hop dance and bounce on their feet ]
Announcer: And there’s so much more! Nick Cannon represents “Wild’n Out”, with special guest star: A BABY!!
[ Nick Cannon and his crew hurl insults at a baby ]
Nick Cannon: Hey, baby! You think you all that?! Well, your stroller rolled past me! I smelled your diaper, son — that was NASTY! [ he and his crew whoop it up ]
Announcer: Plus: If you liked “Cribs”, then you’ll love… “Cribs”!
[ cut to teenage girl standing in front of a baby crib ]
Teenage Girl: Here it is..! [ she looks unsteadily at the camera ]
Announcer: And from the makers of “Jersey Shore”, it’s “I’m Snooki And Pregnant”!
[ cut to a pregnant Snooki surrounded by guidos in a bar ]
Snooki: [ laughing her ass off ] Dere’s a BABY in here!!! [ she laughs, then downs a shot ]
[ cut to M-TV logo ]
Announcer: M-TV. Maternity Television.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 6
10f: Scarlett Johansson / Arcade Fire
Goodnights
…..Scarlett Johansson
Scarlett Johansson: Thanks to Arcade Fire! Thanks so much for watching! Thank you to the “SNL” cast and crew! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 6
10f: Scarlett Johansson / Arcade Fire
A Treat from Paula Deen’s Kitchen
Paula Deen….Kristen Wiig
[ open on images of butter frying ]
[ dissolve to Paula Deen in her kitchen ]
Paula Deen: [ in thick Southern accent ] Hi, y’all!! I’m Paula Deen, and you know my FAVORITE two ingredients to cook with are butter and oil! But some people don’t WANT all that fat in their food — that’s why I’m introducing my new product! [ she picks up a giant roll of paper towels ] Paula Deen’s Big Ol’ Soakem Paper Towels! For when you want to get the FAT outta your good ol’ Southern food. [ she tears a sheet from the roll ] They are EIGHT-PLY, y’all! So they REALLY soak up all that butter and oil, that you just don’t WANT getting on your little Tigger! [ she cups her left breast ]
Watch THIS, y’all! I’m gonna put one of my FAMOUS butter-crusted drizzler biscuits on a piece of a Big Ol’ Soakem! [ she places the biscuit on top of the paper towel ] And I’m just gonna let it SIT there like a little frog on a log! Let’s wait ten seconds!
[ the camera pans away from the biscuit and on to a close-up of Paula licking handfuls of butter ]
Paula Deen: [ glancing over ] Now, LOOK at THAT!
[ cut to a close-up of the paper towel with a tiny biscuit crumb on top ]
Paula Deen: That big ol’ biscuit got all the butter and oil just SUCKED right on OUT of it! Now that biscuit is a LOT more healthy, y’all! [ she puts the tiny biscuit in her mouth ] Also, it tastes like [bleep]in’ [bleep], y’all! [ she places the tiny biscuit back on the paper towel ]
Look, y’all — just between me, you, and the chickens: I HAVE to suggest this oil-drainin’ ’cause health officials are REALLY backin’ up my back bumper about my food makin’ little children FAT! Why, I was a fat child and look at how I turned out!! I’m on TV, and I have a REAL foxy husband! [ she holds up a framed photo of her husband ] He is Santa-licious! I love to sit on his lap! [ she licks another finger of butter ] And you should see how FAT my grandbaby boy is! He’s just like a string of plump, little sausages with a DIAPER on it! I just want to BITE him! You better watch it, or I’m gonna put him in the FRYER and serve him up on a bed of big ‘ol buttered beans!
[ Paula starts to fan herself with her hand ]
Paula Deen: Whoo! It is as hot as a devil’s danglers in this fake kitchen! Whoo! [ she wipes her face with one of her paper towels, then holds up the face-sized stain for the camera ] Oh! Mercy me! I am givin’ off some body butter today! Y’all, PLEASE go buy some of these Soakem’s so people will get off my double bubble! I am gonna take a HEAT NAP on my face on my sun porch, and I BETTER put down a Soakem or I’m gonna ruin my pillows! Love y’all!
[ Paula grabs her bowl of butter and begins digging her fingers in and licking as she exits the kitchen ]
[ cut to house exterior, with product label ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 6]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
November 13th, 2010
Scarlett Johansson
Arcade Fire
None
None
None China Press Conference
Summary: During press conference in China, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) manages to once again upset Chinese leader Hu Jintao (Bill Hader) regarding money owed to his country.
Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Hu Jintao.
Montage
Scarlett Johansson’s Monologue
Summary: Scarlett Johansson, Dina Lohan (Kristen Wiig), and Ke$ha (Abby Elliott) sing “Class” from “Chicago” to emphasize how people in the entertainment industry no longer display any level of class.
M-TVSummary: Although they no longer play music, M-TV has a smattering of reality-based teen pregnancy programs to choose from.
Recurring Characters: Snooki.
Transcript
Millionaire Matchmaker
Summary: Patty Stanger (Scarlett Johansson) has no interest in findingin a suitable match for mousy lawyer Candace (Vanessa Bayer).
The Manuel Ortiz Show
Summary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) walks his endless line of guests through their problems with endless Spanish dancing, as long as the music plays at the correct speed.
Recurring Characters: Manuel Ortiz.
UnstoppableSummary: Denzel Washington (Jay Pharoah) cracks one-liners as he attempts to stop a speeding train in a new action thriller.
Recurring Characters: Denzel Washington.
Transcript
Hollywood Dish
Summary: Entertainment hosts Brady Trunk (Bill Hader) and Anastasia Sticks (Kristen Wiig) feign interest while interviewing Scarlett Johansson.
Recurring Characters: Brady Trunk, Anastasia Sticks.
Arcade Fire performs “We Used To Wait”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Former President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) and rapper Kanye West (Jay Pharoah) have miraculously forged a friendship since the former left office. Chatty Gladys Madden (Vanessa Bayer) relates her harrowing experience during a cruise liner unrelated its onboard fire, as bored husband Frank (Fred Armisen) ignores her.
Recurring Characters: George W. Bush.
St. Katherine’s Middle School
Summary: Marvin’s (Kenan Thompson) optimism-induced friends repeatedly force him to stand up and fall despite his broken knee.
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Student (Andy Samberg) raps “What Was That?” to UN Assembly in regards to head-scratching events from American history.
A Treat from Paula Deen’s KitchenSummary: Paula Deen (Kristen Wiig) loves to cook fattening foods with butter and oil, but is forced to plug eight-ply paper towels for the benefit of her health-conscious viewers.
Transcript
Arcade Fire performs “Sprawl II: Mountains Beyond Mountains”
Stars of Tomorrow
Summary: Competing child stars Laura Parsons (Vanessa Bayer) and Amanda Starr (Scarlett Johansson) perform monologues from films intended for an older audience.
Mike’s Busteria
Summary: Buy a ceramic bust from Mike (Fred Armisen) to add that extra touch of class to your mundane daily activities.
Recurring Characters: Mike, Lexie.
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
60 MinutesSummary: Reporter (Jason Sudeikis) is giddy with excitement when he gets to interview President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen).
Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.
What’s That NameSummary: Game show contestants are challenged to recall the name of their buildings’ doormen.
The MilkmaidSummary: A group of guys get their kicks from watching a sexy milkmaid (Scarlett Johansson) milk a cow.
Camel TameSummary: Businesswomen (Kristen Wiig, Nasim Pedrad) avoid embarrassing camel toe by wearing a padded bulge in their tight clothing.
Note: This ad parody will air on next week’s episode.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
I Didn’t Ask For This
Roger Sims….Bobby Moynihan
Maureen O’Hare….Kristen Wiig
Pierre….Paul Brittain
Mark Sharon….Jon Hamm
Colonial Wench….Abby Elliott
Blacksmith….Bill Hader
Mark’s son….Taram Killam
Announcer: And now it’s time for “I Didn’t Ask For This”.
[“I Didn’t Ask For This” logo]
Roger Sims: Hello. I’m Roger Sims and welcome to “I Didn’t Ask For This”. A show to support people whose lives have been ruined because of embarrassing videos of them on the Internet. I’d like to introduce my producer Pierre. Cause I could not do this show without him.
Pierre: My pleasure, Roger.
Roger Sims: Ok. As most of you are aware by now, I gained some unwanted notoriety due to the popularity of an extremely embarrassing video that was posted on the Internet for the world to see. Let’s roll the clip.
[Video of Roger watching a boring video game on his computer]
Roger Sims: This maze is so hard. Ha, ha. And it gets so narrow at the bottom…
[A picture of an evil witch appears on screen screaming louder than hell]
Roger Sims: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!![Roger punches through the computer screen] [crying] WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! THAT’S NOT FUNNY AT ALL!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME?! [Roger has pissed his pants] WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!
[Back to the studio]
Roger Sims: See? That’s not funny. Not even in the slightest. Let’s go to the serious cam. [turns to the serious cam, video of the witch and Roger freaking out plays in the background] I’m serious. Why? Why do people think it’s okay to laugh at this? I don’t see the humor. My name is Roger Sims. Not “Fat guy gets owned”. I didn’t ask for this. All right, our first guest is a real human being with feelings. Please welcome to the show, Maureen O’Hare.
[Maureen enters and shakes hands with Roger]
Roger Sims: Thank you so much for joining us today, Maureen. Please, tell us your story.
Maureen O’Hare: This is hard. Ok, on a recent trip to Colonial Williamsburg I….[emotional] I can’t…I can’t.
[Roger grabs her hands]
Roger Sims: Oh, my gosh…see? Let’s roll the clip.
[Video of Maureen standing next to a blacksmith hammering and a young lady dressed in Colonial times]
Maureen O’Hare: Honey, honey! Get me with the lady here–with the wench. I’m sorry…there’s a bee, watch out! Watch out! [swatting]
Blacksmith: Oh, mercy! [turns around and clocks Maureen on the head with the heavy hammer, Maureen falls unconscious]
[back to the studio]
Roger Sims: That looked so painful!
Maureen O’Hare: But it even got more painful when someone remixed it into a rap song.
Roger Sims: To the serious cam.
Maureen O’Hare: [turns to the serious camera, her embarrassing video plays in the background] I’m serious. Why is this so funny? I am severely allergic to bees, so that fear was very real. Also getting hit on the head by a blacksmith hammer hurts a great deal. I could’ve died. My name is Maureen O’Hare, not “Bee sting fail”. I didn’t ask for this.
[Video of Maureen remixed, hit with the hammer on a loop, scratching and funny sounds]
Roger Sims: You’re a very brave woman Maureen. And there’s nothing funny about that. Isn’t that right, Pierre?
Pierre: [smiling] Nothing funny at all.
Roger Sims: [opens his eyes at Pierre] If you own a computer that’s connected to the Internet you probably know my next guest. Please welcome, Mark Sharon. [Mark enters, sits] Mark please, tell us your story.
Mark Sharon: I was–I was an absent father. Not something I’m proud of. I was emotionally vacant. My father told me boys don’t cry and I believed him. But recently I agreed to appear on a reality show where I was reconnected with my son. Just roll the clip.
[Video of Mark and his son reunited]
Mark’s son: [sobbing] Because I know…deep down in my heart…I still love you.
Mark Sharon: [holding, then wailing] Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
[back to the studio]
Roger Sims: [holding back laughs] Wow, that’s terrible.
Mark Sharon: Yeah, but it got worse. It got auto-tuned.
Roger Sims: To the serious cam.
[Mark turns to the serious cam, his embarrassing video plays his weird cries in auto-tune in the background]
Mark Sharon: I’m serious. Why auto-tune? It was truly the most profound moment of my life. It was the first time my son told me that he loved me. Now its a ringtone. I’ve heard it being played at office parties. This video has 20 million views. That’s over 20 million people who have laughed at my pain. My name is Mark Sharon. Not “Best Cry Ever”. I didn’t ask for this.
[Roger and Maureen holding back their laughs]
Mark Sharon: Wait a minute! Are you laughing?
Roger Sims: [cracking up] No, no, no…of course not.
Mark Sharon: Is this funny to you?
Pierre: [laughing] Kind of a weird cry, man.
Mark Sharon: [emotional] Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
Roger Sims: Well, that is our show. We will see you next time on “I Didn’t Ask For This”.
[Maureen videotapes Mark’s crying]
[“I Didn’t Ask For This” logo]
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Click here to buy movie posters!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
Jon Hamm’s Monologue
…..Jon Hamm
Audience Member #1…..Bill Hader
Audience Member #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Audience Member #3…..Kenan Thompson
Audience Member #4…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jon Hamm!
Jon Hamm: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It is, uh — it is SO GREAT to be back at “Saturday Night Live”. First off — Happy Halloween! This is actually the second time I’ve hosted the Halloween show at “SNL”. As you may have noticed, I’ve switched up my costume. The first time I hosted, I went as “nervous”. And this year I’m going as “slightly less nervous.”
It’s a very exciting time for me — I just finished my fourth season on “Mad Men”. [ audience cheers ] And, you know, one of the many benefits of being on “Mad Men” is getting to know the world of advertising. It’s funny, but playing Don Draper has made me think about ad campaigns alot. Sometimes I’ll be walking down the street, and I’ll see a product and a slogan will just pop into my head! I’ll show. Someone name a product. Uh — you! [ he points into the audience ]
Audience Member #1: Uh —
Jon Hamm: It could be anything!
Audience Member #1: Uh — purses!
Jon Hamm: Purses! [ thinking ] Uhhh, okay — what are purses? Uhhh — “They’re for… ladies to hold things!” But they’re MORE than that! Uhhh — “Purses are those things we need… for the small trips in life.” Uh, they’re uh — oh, I almost have it! Uhh — “Everyday… is a secret vacation… with your tiny lady suitcase! PURSES!!” Not bad, right? [ audience applauds ] You’d buy a purse, wouldn’t you, Ma’am?
Audience Member #1: Oh, I’m not a woman…
Jon Hamm: Yeah, that was fun! So let’s try another one! Uh — [ he looks into the audience ] What about you, young lady?
Audience Member #2: Me? Um… diapers?
Jon Hamm: Diapers. Okay. Uhhh — “Pants for babies.” Uhh — no! No, no, no! They’re more than that, because you can’t crap in your pants. Uh — “When you have an accident… DIAPERS are there to catch it! Like the net… of your trapeze act.” … “Diapers got your back!” No! “Diapers got your BUTT!” Picture this — picture this: A normal baby… with a backward baby hat… and the words come up: “Don’t worry, little homey — we’ve got your butt. DIAPERS!” [ he claps his hands, as the audience applauds ] Wow! That’s pretty good! That’s pretty good, if I do say so myself! What do you think, Ma’am?
Audience Member #2: Me?
Jon Hamm: No — her [ he points to the first audience member ]
Audience Member #1: Yeah — I’m not a woman…
Jon Hamm: [ pointing to another audience member ] How about you? Name something!
Audience Member #3: [ smiling ] Refrigerators!
Jon Hamm: Refrigerators. [ he laughs ] That’s easy! “A box of winter for your food to live in.” I mean, come on, man! I want to be challenged here!
Audience Member #4: Ohhh, you want to be challenged?
Jon Hamm: [ cocky ] You think you can take me?
Audience Member #4: I know I can take you!
Jon Hamm: Let’s hear it, Weird Guy.
Audience Member #4: [ he purses his lips ] Nine-volt batteries. [ he smiles at the other audience members ]
Jon Hamm: [ sweating ] Nine-volt batteries… [ thinking ] “It’s hip to be square”? No, that’s too obvious. [ thinking ] “With two nipple-like connectors, there’s no way this battery won’t turn you on.” No, that’s too dirty! “This IS your grandfather’s battery!” Nooo, that’s too familiar… Come on, you can DO this, Hamm!! [ a beat ] Yeah, that’s actually what I call myself… Uh — I WILL get this!
[ the audience member casually files his fingernails ]
Jon Hamm: Nine-volts… It’s so hard because it’s so DIFFERENT from every other battery… [ he stops ] Wait! That’s it! [ he smiles ] “Caught in a maze of boring batteries? You’re gonna want to dial 9 to get out! Nine-volt batteries!!”
[ Hamm looks at the audience member for approval ]
Audience Member #4: [ considering the slogan ] Yes. That’s the correct slogan.
Jon Hamm: WHAM, BAM — THANK YOU, HAMM!!
[ the audience cheers ]
Audience Member #4: Had enough?
Jon Hamm: Yeah. Yeah. [ he looks to the first audience member ] Lady? Call me later!
Audience Member #1: Oh, I will! ‘Cause, hey — it’s Jon Hamm!
Jon Hamm: We have a great show for you tonight — Rihanna is here! So stick around, we will be RIGHT back!