Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 24th, 1998 Ben Stiller Alanis Morrisette None Lorne Michaels David Cone Felix Heredia David Wells Rooftop Kung Fu FightSummary: Ben Stiller faces a Kung Fu battle with his real father, Lorne Michaels, on the roof of 30 Rockerfeller Center. Transcript
Montage
Ben Stiller’s MonologueSummary: After rushing to Home Base following his fall from the roof, Ben Stiller unknowingly accepts applause intended for the New York Yankees.
Celebrity JeopardySummary: Tom Cruise (Ben Stiller) squares off against Adam Sandler (Jimmy Fallon) and Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond). Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Tom Cruise, Adam Sandler, Sean Connery. Transcript
Pretty LivingRecurring Characters: Gail Gleeson, Helen Madden.
TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Rob Smigel, preacher superhero Hete-Roy makes it his mission to transform gay people into heterosexuals. Transcript
The ZimmermannsSummary: Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura Zimmermann (Cheri Oteri) invite the neighbors (Ben Stiller, Ana Gasteyer) over for Halloween. Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmermann, Laura Zimmermann. Transcript
Real Stories of the Highway PatrolSummary: Police officers (Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell) act racist toward suspects (Tim Meadows, Horatio Sanz) during a routine pullover. Transcript
Alanis Morissette performs “Baba”
Kevin Still Lives With His ParentsSummary: Mom (Ana Gasteyer) and Dad (Chris Parnell) endure the antics of their angry adult son, Kevin (Ben Stiller). Transcript
*NOTE: The very beginning of Colin Quinn’s opening is not transcribed here. If you have the opening words of this script, please submit them.
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: …they went too far, now they’re trying to back up a little. They’re not talking impeachment, they’re talking censure. So what is censure? You’re still President, but you can’t say anything or go anywhere? You’re grounded. You know? You can’t use Air Force One, you just have to sit there in the Oval Office. The White House tour comes by, Clinton’s standing there, unshaven in his bathrobe watching it. [waves] “Hi!” You know? He’s gonna be like your father when he’s unemployed, trying to fix your radio that’s not broken. He’s better off making them impeach him! Although being censured doesn’t have to break you, Bill. Look at Andrew Jackson. Andrew Jackson’s the only president ever censured. And look at him today, he’s on the 20! All right? [shows a 20-dollar bill]…This picture doesn’t do him justice, by the way. No. [close-up of the 20] I don’t know, he looks like Keith Richards on this 20, but…uh…he’s like, [imitating Keith Richards] “Hey, Mick! I’m on the 20!” All right…
Gerald Ford has proposed that Clinton be forced to stand in the well of the House and listen to the representatives and senators denounce him to his face. Folks, these are the people in charge of our country! That’s the best they can come up with, is having Clinton being yelled up like he’s on a daytime talk show, you know? Why don’t you just get Clinton up there with his wife and have Jerry Springer pass the microphone around the senators, you know? You got Henry Hyde over there…[imitating Henry Hyde] “Jerry, if that was my man, I’d leave his ass! Woooo!” You know.
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
Here’s some nice news. Now, Hillary Clinton spent her 23rd wedding anniversary at a women’s conference in Bulgaria. She said, “I just wanted to be someplace where I could feel sexy.” [some groans]…You know? I know, that is sad. You don’t have to moan about it, but it’s sad. All right.
The Department of Defense is claiming some success in combating the Y2K computer glitch, which makes computers think that we are not approaching the year 2000, but the year 1900. Also suffering from this disease: [photo of Newt Gingrich; jerks his thumb at it] this man. [some cheers and applause]
The Foreign Minister of Japan is going to issue an apology for atrocities committed in China by the Japanese during World War II. But Japan says it would appreciate it if, from now on, the Rape of Nanking was referred to as “The Date That Went Bad with Nanking.”
A new report shows that the pregnancy rate for the nation’s teenage girls is at a 20-year low. Officials warn, however, that this trend might not last, because of the work stoppage in the NBA. [cheers and applause]…[innocently] Ooooh!
The five-day waiting period to buy a handgun will now be replaced by an instant computerized background check. The NRA applauds the development, saying, “Now people will no longer have to wait five days to settle family disputes.”
And reports say that former White House intern Monica Lewinsky would like to move to New York. [secretly] Gentlemen, start your engines! [some applause]
And now, with a comment about the Clinton impeachment proceedings, here’s Chucky, the murderous doll from the new movie, The Bride of Chucky!
[pan over to Chucky]
Chucky: Hey! Thank you! Thank you! Thanks, Colin! And by the way, you’re doing a terrific job! Well, hello everyone! As we all know, the Clinton White House has been busy this week preparing his anti-impeachment strategy. Meanwhile, the House Judiciary Committee is planning the hearings which will, no doubt, have a high economic and emotional cost for this nation. But I think I speak for most Americans when I say, enough already! I mean, aren’t we all just a little sick of this by now? Geez, let the poor man do his job! As far as I’m concerned, the only person Bill Clinton has to apologize to is his wife. Are you with me, Colin?
Colin: I guess so, yeah.
Chucky: Well, of course, you can’t turn on a TV without hearin’ about it. Well, you know what? Clinton’s not the first president to, uh…get a little somethin’ on the side. Am I right, my man?
Colin: I suppose, yeah.
Chucky: Yeah, you know I’m right! And it happens all the time in other countries. It’s just accepted. France thinks we’re ridiculous, it’s embarrassing! I mean, if this is the biggest thing we have to worry about…geez! And I’m sorry, but if lacking oral sex is a crime, then I’d have been in jail a long time ago, right, Colin? Come on, you’re with me!
Colin: [confused] Uh…I don’t know, Chucky!
Chucky: Anyway…from where I sit, the best way to solve this whole thing is to stab Kenneth Starr in the forehead with scissors….Which remids me [cheers and applause]…Thanks! Which reminds me, be sure to check out The Bride of Chucky in theaters now. The vibe was really good on the set, and I think it comes across.
Colin: All right, Chucky. Chucky, the murderous doll, everybody!…Earlier this week [notices that Chucky won’t leave]…uh…I don’t think so, Chucky.
Chucky: I’m serious, Colin. [reaches his hand under the desk] I want to have this beer.
Colin: I’m pretty busy, you know, Chucky?
Chucky: Well, you too busy for this? [pulls out a butcher knife]
Colin: [becomes frightened] Oh!
Chucky: You can’t escape, Quinn!
Colin: [to someone off-screen] Get him outta here!
Chucky: I’ll find a way to [floor manager comes in to grab Chucky away] get you!
Colin: Get outta here, Chucky!
Chucky: [to the floor manager; over Colin’s last line] Hey watch it, I’m Chucky!
Colin: [relieved] Woo!
Fires have destroyed many of Florida’s most lucrative crops, including marijuana. This has resulted in millions of dollars of losses and hundreds of very paranoid firemen.
Christian groups are protesting Terrence McNally’s new play Corpus Christi, about a gay Jesus. Christian leaders are reportedly outraged, saying, “Jesus wasn’t gay! Judas kissed him!“…Come on folks. That was a good one.
Arab…Arab and Muslim groups are protesting the new Bruce Willis movie The Siege, in which New York City is placed under martial law after terrorist bombings by Arabs. Hey! Did I miss something? Who bombed the World Trade Center, the cast of “Caroline in the City”? Okay? See, this is what it comes to now! You can’t show any criminal unless it’s a white guy in a suit! I saw a movie about the Crips the other night starring Greg Kinnear and Jonathan Taylor Thomas, folks.
Now, you people here in the studio don’t know by now, but the Yankees won the first game of the World Series tonight. [cheers] All right….Thank you. They dedicated the game to Darryl Strawberry, and the party afterwards to Dwight Gooden. [some groans; upset about reaction]…Folks! The game ended 10 minutes ago, and that was pretty good for a short period of time, you know? Take this things into cons– account!
Now, here with a comment on tonight’s game and Tino Martinez’s grand slam, is the building super for 1901 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our very own Dominican Lou!
[pan over to Dominican Lou, who is really Chucky dressed and talking like Dominican Lou]
“Dominican Lou”: Thank you! Thank you! These people, they talking in my building about the Tino Martinez…
Colin: Hey, wait a minute, Chucky! Nice try, Chucky!
Chucky: [takes out the knife] You’re mine, Quinn!
Colin: [frightened] Aaaahh! You–
[floor manager comes back to take Chucky away]
Chucky: You think they’re ever gonna make a movie out of “Weekend Update”? You’re a sucker, Quinn! A sucker!
Colin: [ chuckles ] I’m Colin Quinn. That’s my story, and I’m sticking with it!
[Fade up to graphic that reads “CNN and Kraft Foods Present The History of Presidential Scandal.” Soft piano music plays throughout the segment.]
Voiceover: In an attempt to put the current White House scandal in perspective, CNN and Kraft Foods present “The History of Presidential Scandals.”
[fade down, then up to a photo of Franklin D. Roosevelt]
Most of us now know that Franklin Roosevelt had a long-time extramarital affair with Lucy Mercer.
[fade down, then up to a photo of Thomas Jefferson]
And that Thomas Jefferson fathered illegitimate children by Sally Hemmings, one of his slaves.
[fade down, then up to a photo of Andrew Johnson that slowly zooms in]
But few people know that in the spring of 1867, Andrew Johnson had sex with a bird. Johnson’s affair with the sparrow was no secret among the Washington elite, and is even alluded to [fade down, then up to a political cartoon with Andrew Johnson and a sparrow close to each other and the phrase “sex not the bird” above them] in political cartoons of the time. This may be how Johnson earned the nickname, “The Carolina Bird-Bagger.”
[fade down, then up to “The History of Presidential Scandal” graphic]
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell Henry Hyde…..Will Ferrell Jesse Helms…..Darrell Hammond Mary Bono…..Cheri Oteri
[ open on NBC logo ]
Annoucer: This is an NBC News Special Report. Reporting live from Washington, here is Tom Brokaw.
[ dissolve to Tom Brokaw at news desk ]
Tom Brokaw: As the spector of impeachment hearings brings the wheels of government to a grinding halt.. a suddenly hesitant America asked itself, “Have we gone too far?” More and more Americans seem to think the answer to that question is.. “Yessss”. Public opinion polls sohw 67% are in favor of the job the President is doing; 32% are not; and 1% think Howard Stern rules. Republican leaders taken aback by this pro-Clinton backlash are ready to respond. We go now, live, to the office of Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Henry Hyde, for this special address.
[ dissolve to Henry Hyde’s office ]
Henry Hyde: Good evening, America. Recently, the Republican Party has been accused of conducting a witch hunt aimed at overhrowing an elected Preisdent. Some even say we’re in the midst of a coup d’etat. Well, I’m here to say, “You’re damn right!” And, you know what, America – what the hell you gonna do about it? Okay? Most of you are too busy watching “Road Rules” and drinking Frappucinos to go out and vote. We’re gonna boot this hillbilly out! And then give tax breaks to the rich! So suck on that!Suck on it a real long time, then suck on it some more! Then keep sucking on it, and then suck a little bit more, and suck some more! And just keep sucking on it! Now, to further drive home how little respect I have for you as a nation, here’s my good friend Sen. Jesse Helms.
[ Jesse Helms enters office ]
Jesse Helms: Ohhhhh.. [ forms evil pose duet with Henry Hyde ] Hello, America. For 40 years, all y’all have been cutting Social Studies class and grab-assin’ in the Smokin’ Lounge! Now, we’re screwin’ ya! And you’re clueless! [ Henry Hyde snickers] Whatcha gonna do, call the cops?
Henry Hyde: [ chuckling ] That’s rich! That’s rich!
Jesse Helms: Clinton raised the minimum wage, and I’m gona cut it in half, mofos! [ Henry Hyde claps ecstatically ] Everyone one o’ ya gonna be workin’ at Arby’s for $2 an hour! And I’m-a gonna be gettin’ off on it!
Henry Hyde: Thanks, Jesse! Thanks! You think things can’t get any worse? Then let me introduce Sonny Bono’s widow, and member of the Judiciary Committee, Congresswoman Mary Bono. Hey, Mary, how are you?
[ Mary Bono enters office, joins the trifecta evil pose ]
Mary Bono: Hi, suckers! Just wanted, um.. my constituents in Palm Springs to know that I’m working hard to get that Luxury Tax lowered!
Henry Hyde: Good!
Mary Bono: The rest of you, can bite my ass!
Henry Hyde: Whoo-oo!
Mary Bono: Hey! Bruce Willis for President!!
[ the three of them scream like hyper schoolkids ]
Henry Hyde: [ snickering ] President Bruce Willis – you’re all probably dumb enough to do it! [ mocking ] “He was in Die Hard, he can clean up the country like he did the bad guy!” [ motions fingers ] Hey, look, America – my thumb came off! My thumb came off!
Jesse Helms: Now, listen here, America – we’re not morons like most of you. So, just in case this woke some of you up, let me take care of some business. [ holds up pocket watch on chain ] Just look at this watch.. it’s shiny, very shiny. You’re getting very sleepy.. you’ll remember none of what you heard.. Republicans are your pals, they want a proud America, they don’t want blacks anywhere! Oh.. oh.. I mean, no affirmative action, oh yeah.. Think of good things, America. Think of the TV show “Friends”.. think of dancing babies.. fruit roll-ups.. that little kid from “Jerry Maguire”.. Beanie Babies.. sharks fighting monkeys.. Ohhhh, you feel good? What’s the point of votin’? Go to slee-eep.. slee-eep. Don’t think, just repeat the mantra: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night..” “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night..”
Hypnotized Audience: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night..”
Jesse Helms: Nothing matters – nothing.. so, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Linda Carroll…..Ana Gasteyer Elizabeth Gerber…..Cheri Oteri Melanie Corlan…..Lucy Lawless Sharon Watts…..Molly Shannon
Linda Carroll: Welcome back. If you’re just joining us, we’re in our second hour of discussing the Clinton marriage. Liz, you raised a very interesting question before the break: Are Bill and Hillary Clinton really in love, or is this just a marriage of convenience?
Elizabeth Gerber: This marriage is obviously a political arrangement. I mean, these people are definitely not in love.
Melanie Corlan: Come on. These two were college sweethearts. That’s a long time.
Sharon Watts: Well, you know, they’ve described that marriage as a partnership. Well, whatever that partnership is, it’s on shaky ground.
Linda Carroll: You know, I guess the political question on everyone’s mind is, “Do they still do it?”
Sharon Watts: I absolutely believe they still do it.
Elizabeth Gerber: No. Get real. I mean, I bet they’ve never had sex. I bet they’ve never even made out!
Melanie Corlan: Liz, they’ve made out. They have a daughter. Where do you think she came from – a daughter kit?
[ the four women laugh amongst themselves ]
Linda Carroll: Do you think Hillary Clinton is pretty?
Melanie Corlan: She is definitely pretty.
Elizabeth Gerber: Aw, come on. That left wing feminist propoganda? She’s not that cute!
Melanie Corlan: She has a very pretty face.
Linda Carroll: Sharon?
Sharon Watts: [ thinking ] Hmm.. Well.. not to sound like the President or anything, but it really depends how you define “pretty”. She’s not, like, model pretty, you know? But, on a scale of 1 to 10 – if 1 was, like, the Cryptkeeper, and 10 was, like, Jennifer Love Hewitt – I’d say she’s, like, uh.. a 6 or a 7.
Linda Carroll: I think she’s the kind of pretty where, if you didn’t know her, she wouldn’t catch your eye.. but, if she were your friend, you’d be, like, “Oh! She’s totally pretty!”
Elizabeth Gerber: Linda, look at the facts, okay? [ circles and draws over photo of Hillary ] I mean, she has thick ankles, she’s too brainy, she does not look good in a bathing suit..
Linda Carroll: You’re a good drawer! You’re a really good drawer!
Elizabeth Gerber: Thank you!
Sharon Watts: You guys! You guys think they’re gonna break up?
Melanie Corlan: No way! They are such an awesome couple!
Elizabeth Gerber: They’re gonna break up.. so fast.. that I think he’s gonna ask Monica out again – hello?!
Sharon Watts: Hey, can I play with your hair?
Elizabeth Gerber: Uh huh!
Linda Carroll: Of course, one question remains: if you guys had to rate all the Clinton Scandal boys by cuteness, who would be first?
Elizabeth Gerber: Definitely not Kenneth Starr! [ the girls giggle and chatter ]
Melanie Corlan: I guess I would say that Kenneth Starr is at the bottom; then Henry Hyde; then, Sidney Brumenthal; then, President Clinton; then, #1, would have to be.. Vernon Jordan! [ holds up notebook with Vernon’s name and pictures all over ]
[ the women, now dressed in pajamas and nighties, all chatter about how cute Vernon Jordan is ]
Sharon Watts: A friend of mine says she knows him, and she says he’s really sweet.
Linda Carroll: Awwww… ohh, that’s so sweet..!
Sharon Watts: We should call him..
[ the women go into shock, tempting themselves to do it ]
Elizabeth Gerber: I have his number! I have his number! [ she dials the phone and giggles ] Oh, it’s ringing! Oh, my God! [ on the phone ] Hello? Is Vernon there? [ the girls giggle ] Uh.. hi. Do you know who this is? [ the girls giggle some more ] No? Well, look at us on MSNBC!
Sharon Watts: Oh, my God! Hang up! Hang up! Hang up! [ Elizabeth hangs up the phone, the girls can’t stop giggling ]
Melanie Corlan: You, guys, this is, like, so fun! I just wish I wasn’t via satellite!
Sharon Watts: I knowww.. I brought all this face glitter! Elizabeth Gerber: [ shines a flashlight into her face ] Come to me.. Bloody Mary..
Linda Carroll: [ screams ] Oh, my God! Don’t! Don’t!
Melanie Corlan: You guys? Don’t tell Diane Sawyer, but you’re my new best friends!
[ the girls sigh happily ]
Linda Carroll: [ to camera ] Well, stay tuned to “White House in Crisis”, because we are going to be up all night long. We are not going to sleep! [ she places a retainer into her mouth ]
Melanie Corlan: I may be via satellite, but if any of you guys fall asleep, I am going to stick your hand in warm water!
[ fade to black as Elizabeth lays across the desk and begins to “levitate” ]
…..Lucy Lawless Male Audience Member #1…..Jimmy Fallon Male Audience Member #2…..Horatio Sanz Female Audience Member #1…..Tina Fey Female Audience Member #2…..Paula Pell
Lucy Lawless: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks forthe applause. I’m not sure if that’s for me or because the Yankee’s arewinning tonight. You know, I’m from New Zealand, where we film my show”Xena: Warrior Princess”, and my character..
Male Audience Member #1: [ interrupting ] Lucy? Lucy?
Lucy Lawless: Yes?
Male Audience Member #1: Hi. Big fan of “Xena”.
Lucy Lawless: Thanks. [ smiles ]
Male Audience Member #1: Are you proud to play a lesbian?
Lucy Lawless: Well.. uh.. actually, I don’t define my character, Xena,as a lesbian. I like to think of her as a fierce warrior who travels..
Male Audience Member #2: Hi, Lucy? [ pause ] Actually, it’s weird,because you and I actually have something in common.
Lucy Lawless: What’s that?
Male Audience Member #2: We’re both into chicks! [ turns aside tohigh-five Make Audience Member #1 ]
Lucy Lawless: Okay, you’re a little confused.. Like I said, Xenaisn’t necessarily “into chicks”. Uh.. just because a charactermight be gay dosn’t mean the actor is..
Female Audience Member #1: [ interrupting ] Hey, Lucy? I think you’rereally great.
Lucy Lawless: [ smiles ] Thank you!
Female Audience Member #1: How about after the show you and me gograb a beer and shoot some pool?
Lucy Lawless: [ mildly annoyed ] I’m afraid I can’t. Thanks, though.Uh.. does anyone have a question that isn’t about Xena’s sexualpreference? Yes, Sir?
Female Audience Member #2: It’s “Ma’am”. [ pause ] When Draco had toclose the porthole to the alternative Xenaverse.. – how’d you do that?
Lucy Lawless: Well actually we used computer generated imagery tocreate the porthole door. Does that answer your question?
Female Audience Member #2: [ points her finger back and forth betweenherself and Lucy ] Are you feeling it?
Lucy Lawless: [ changes subject ] Okay, we’ve got a great showtonight. Elliot Smith is here! So, stick around, we’ll be right back!
Teacher: All right class now tonight we are going to work with the most demanding subject there is for sculpters. The human body. Unfortuanately the model I use couldn’t make it, but I do have a replacement – his name is Terrance Maddox, Terrance come on down.
(Terrance Maddox walks wearing a robe)
Teacher: Whenever you’re ready Mr. Maddox.
(Maddox takes off the robe)
Terrance Maddox: Alright! Let’s start the bidding at $100 shall we. 100, 100, 100. Ooh 1000 going once, going twice, sold to the gentleman in the front row for 100 million dollars.
Guy #1: Eugh!
Teacher: Mr. Maddox!
Terrance Maddox: I think I’ve made my point.
Teacher: Now! Mr. Maddox, We are studying Roman-Greek sculptures so we are hoping to get you into a classical pose.
Terrance Maddox: Hey Ladies, it’s your money you can do whatever you want.
Teacher: Strike a pose Mr. Maddox.
Terrance Maddox: Allright! I’ve got two poses to choose from – The Thinker and The Stinker. (Terrance Maddox bends over)
Teacher: Please! Mr. Maddox these students are going to be tested.
Terrance Maddox: That’s cool! I just took a test this morning.
Teacher: Wonderful!
Terrance Maddox: Yeah at the free clinic for hepatitis. I kicked ass too. I got an A, two B’s, and a C.
Woman #1: Oh my God!
Terrance Maddox: But don’t tell the sixth street blood bank! Wink! Hey how’s this for a short story. A guy can’t sell his blood cause he’s got hepatitis, but he can’t afford hepatitis medicine unless he sells his blood. So he poses nude in art classes. Plus one time he did it with a dead guy.
Teacher: Alright! Alright! Let’s just get through this. I want you to study Mr. Maddox, as unpleasant as that may seem. Take him in, search his body with your eyes.
Woman #2: Oh my God!
Guy #1: Oh look at that. Oh.
Woman #1: Oh my gosh.
Terrance Maddox: Oh Oh.. Mighty Kong has woken from his slumber. It looks like it’s time for a POP quiz. But apparently I’m grading on a curve.
Guy #1: I can’t take this.
Terrance Maddox: But if life hands you lemons you might as well make lemonade. And I’ve been waiting to make lemonade all day.
Teacher: Alright! that is it this is to disgusting. Mr. Maddox I want you to get your things and get out.
(Terrance Maddox starts crying and coughing)
Teacher: Mr. Maddox! Please stop! I have to do something. I’m very sorry, but you’ll have to go.
Terrance Maddox: I know when I’m not wanted. But before I go I’ve got something to say to you people. You talk about ancient beauty and life forms, but if you asked me you wouldn’t know real beauty if it was outside in the parking lot waiting to give you hepatitis. Which it will be ten minutes from now. Good day to you.
(Maddox exits the classroom)
(Carly Simon’s “Nobody Does It Better” pplays over various sculptures the students made of Terrance, up to poses of him crying)
Terrance Maddox: (winks at camera and touches his eyelid) Wink!
Judge Judy/Herself…..Cheri Oteri Burt the Bailiff…..Tracy Morgan Ms. Diamond…..Lucy Lawless Ms. Gilliard…..Ana Gasteyer The Real Judge Judy…..Judge Judith Sheindlin
Announcer: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheinlin.The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This isher courtroom. This is Judge Judy.
Burt the Bailiff: Order! All rise
Announcer: Professional children’s clown Rashael Diamond is suing JoyceGilliard for the amount of $300 for services rendered at her son’s birthdayparty.
Burt the Bailiff: Be seated! Your honor, this is case number 178, Gilliard vs.Diamond. The parties have been sworn in.
Judge Judy: Did you see the game tonight, Burt?
Burt the Bailiff: Looks like the Yankees gonna put the Padres to bed, judge.
Judge Judy: Well, you better hope they win World Series cause I got yourpaycheck riding on it.
Burt the Bailiff: [ laughs ]
Judge Judy: I’m serious. Ok. I’m Judge Judy and I’m tough.
Burt the Bailiff: She’s judicious.
Judge Judy: But I’m all woman.
Burt the Bailiff: She’s delicious.
Judge Judy: Ok, let’s see what you have here. Ms. Gilliard why don’t youtell me what happened at your son’s birthday party.
Ms. Gilliard: Well your honor, this woman claims to be a professionalclown. She came to my son Richard’s birthday party and proceeded to carryon like Madonna at a frat house.
Ms. Diamond: Excuse me. I was paid to entertain the kids. We danced,played games, ate cake. No one got hurt. End of story.
Judge Judy: Hey, I got a story for you. It’s called the day I killed thewhore clown. Zip it. Continue madam [ to Ms. Gilliard ].
Ms. Gilliard: Well, first of all, your honor, my sweet little boy willnever be the same after playing her version of pin the tail on the donkey.
Ms. Diamond: No big deal. I couldn’t find a damn donkey so I had the kidsput tails on my butt. An ass is an ass, am I right?
Judge Judy: [ to Ms. Diamond ] Hey, look at me. Look at me. Ok. I’ll takea pig to the butcher when I want to eat baloney. Ok? Got it? You got it?
Burt the Bailiff: Hot judge, cold cuts.
Judge Judy: Ok, now Ms. Diamond, what sort of training do you have as aclown? What’s your background.
Ms. Diamond: I never took no courses, but my mother really encouraged me.Whenever the circus came to town she would drop me off and leave me fordays.
Ms. Gilliard: Hmmm… is that where your mother uh taught you how to makethose disgusting animal balloons?
Ms. Diamond: No, they are my own design, tight-ass.
Judge Judy: Hey! Hey! I’m the only tight ass in this courtroom. Righthere. The only tight ass. All right, Ms. Diamond, let’s see some of thesedesigns.
Ms. Diamond: Oh fine! [ puts an animal balloon on her head which looks likea penis and balls ] Look your honor! I’m an elephant. I never forget. Inever forget. I never forget [ to Ms. Gilliard ].
Ms. Gilliard: You should see her petting zoo.
Ms. Diamond: And you should be in it you big fat cow.
Ms. Gilliard: I am big boned! Did you hear that your honor?
Judge Judy: Ok, listen mighty mouth. I got a foot long clown shoe withyour name on it. Right here. Ok? Understood?
Ms. Diamond: Sorry.
Judge Judy: [ yelling ] Hey understood, head of wood?
Ms. Diamond: Your honor, all that I ask is an opportunity to demonstrate mygift.
Judge Judy: Ok, Clarabelle. I got this thin a patience [ motions withfingers ]. Quick. Let’s see some clowning.
Ms. Diamond: Ok your honor! Hey, the kids really love me. [ puts on clownhair and a red nose, turns on music, gets a honky horn, and begins dancingprovocatively near Bailiff Burt while honking the horn ]
Burt the Bailiff: Hahahaha! Yeaaaahh!! Hahaha! Judge, she’s hilarious!Yeaaahh!
Judge Judy: [ slamming her hand down on her desk ] Burt!
Burt the Bailiff: That ain’t funny.
Judge Judy: Ok that’s it. I don’t know whether, I don’t know whether toclap or put a dollar in her panties. The show’s over. Show’s over. I’mready to rule.
[ The Real Judge Judy enters the courtroom ]
The Real Judge Judy: That’s it. I’ve seen enough, Cheri. Get up.
Cheri Oteri: I, but I, but I, I..
The Real Judge Judy: [ putting a hand on Cheri’s shoulder ] Get your bony assout of my chair. Get up. [ Cheri moves and the real Judge Judy sits down ]Watch and listen. Get your bony ass out of my chair, baby.
Cheri Oteri: Okay..
The Real Judge Judy: Good girl. Now watch and listen cause I’m ready torule.
Cheri Oteri: Okay.
Burt the Bailiff: The real deal is ready to rule.
The Real Judge Judy: Now I’ve come across a lot of numbnuts in my day, butMs. Gilliard [ rolls eyes ] you are right up there.
Cheri Oteri: She up there, there, she’s..
The Real Judge Judy: Not now, Cheri. Not now. Ms. Diamond here has anentrepreneurial spirit, she has a devotion of craft. And a wonderful wayof children. She may have a little trouble getting the first olive out ofthe jar, but her fierce determination, her beauty, and great legs, remindme of myself when I was just starting out.
Ms. Gilliard: This is ludicrous.
The Real Judge Judy: Hey! but, but, but, but, but, but-
The Real Judge Judy: [ to Cheri ] Now you got it. Now you got it. [ to Ms.Gilliard ] You keep your trap shut and get a life. You know you weregetting this woman what she was as soon as she walked in to the door.
Ms. Gilliard: She was wearing a coat, your honor!
The Real Judge Judy: Listen, don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.Court rules in favor of the plaintiff. Now Cheri, let’s go talk aboutthose eyebrows.
Cheri Oteri: It wasn’t my idea, I swear. It was the makeupdepartment’s idea.
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Air Date:
Rooftop Kung Fu FightSummary: Ben Stiller faces a Kung Fu battle with his real father, Lorne Michaels, on the roof of 30 Rockerfeller Center.
