Stevie Nicks: Hello, I’m Stevie Nicks. Do you like the music of my band, Fleetwood Mac? And do you like fajitas, flautas, quesadillas, and other Tex-Mex specialties? Then come on down to my new restaurant in Sedona, Arizona – Stevie Nicks’ Fajita Roundup. In the seventies, I dedicated myself to witchcraft, Lindsay Buckingham, and cocaine. But now I use that same energy and dedication to bring you an affordable dining experience you’ll never forget.
[ sings to the tune of “Rhiannon” ] “Chicken fajitas taste real fine, wouldn’t you love to eat them? My chips and salsa are mighty fine, no one round here can beat ’em.”
In my restaurant, I’ll be singing some of the classic songs that made me famous, while serving up some of the finest Tex-Mex food in the Southwest – like the house specialty, “Burrito Dream”.
[ sings to the tune of “Dreams” ] “Now, there you go again, you say you want burritos. I sure hope that you can keep ’em down. It’s only a flour tortilla, used to wrap around your meat now. Have you any beans you’d like to share with the loneliness?”
When Mick Fleetwood and I started performing back in 1974, we had a vision that one day our music would be heard around the world.. while people are eating Mexican food in a restaurant.
[ sings to the tune of “The Chain” ] “Rock on beef tostada, take your silver spoon full of beans and rice..”
So, the next time you’re craving a little Stevie Nicks’ music, or a vegetable burrito, don’t forget there’s a special place for people just like you.
[ sings to the tune of “Landslide ] “You placed an order, I wrote it down. Three enchiladas, the best in town. Then I saw my reflection in a big pile of nachos. Until a landslide brought it down.”
Announcer: Stevie Nicks’ Fajita Roundup. Off Interstate 17, just two hours north of Phoenix. Every Tuesday, burrito specials just $2.99.
The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas
Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan Sally Desk……Lucy Lawless Senor Guadalupe Ramirez……Horatio Sanz Guitarrists……Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell
[Fade up to Antonio Banderas sitting on a couch with his mariachi band, which is playing soft music behind him. Fade up “The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas.” Dissolve to closer view of Antonio.]
Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio, y Banderas. I am [whispers] actor! Welcome to The…how do you say?…Ah yes….Show. Now say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: Señor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.
[band plays some notes]
Guadalupe: Hello, my frie-e-end!
[band plays two notes]
Antonio: You…you are so the sexy.
Guadalupe: No-o, no-o. You…YOU ARE THE SE-EXY, MY FRIEND, YES!
Antonio: [laughs] This is true….Now ladies and men of the gentles, don’t hold your breast. Our gruest tonight es a lady. She has written a brook about the [shows the book] Lyme disease. It is called The Perils of Lyme Disease. [puts down the book] I adore [shows a lime] the lime….Please give it up good for the Miss Sally Desk.
[The band plays more upbeat music. Cheers and applause as Sally enters. Antonio kisses her hand.]
Sally Desk: Thank you, Antonio.
[Antonio and Sally sit down; the music stops.]
Antonio: No, thank you for inventing the lime….It’s very sexy…with a cold [shows a bottle of Dos Equis beer] Dos Equis.
Guadalupe: Two Xs, yes! [Antonio laughs]
Sally: No, no, I think you’re a little confused. Not limes, Lyme disease.
Antonio: [laughs] Enough. Now please, [band begins playing soft music] listen to me. I am Antonio…a Banderas. [whispers] I am actor! I was in the Zorro.
Guadalupe: Very, se-exy, yes!
Antonio: Almost too sexy. [music stops] Now Sal-ly, how can I help my sexy friend the lime from this terrible disease?
Sally: Oh, [chuckles] it’s like I said before: not limes, Lyme disease. People usually get it from deer ticks. It can cause tiredness, achy joints, vomiting…
Guadalupe: Vomiting, ye-es! Very sexy, my frie-end, yes!
Antonio: It is a little sexy, yes, vomiting. Now, can I tell you one something somethings? Limes are tasty in margaritas. They are like you. Like they were filled with the puss.
Sally: [confused] What?
Guadalupe: Filled with the puss. VER-Y-Y-Y SE-EXY, YES!
Sally: Filled with the puss?!
Antonio: Yes. The puss. Also now, I think I remember this. [soft music resumes] Very seriousness. I was in the Philadelphia with the Tom Hanks as the gay. [music stops]…It is very hot in here, no?
Guadalupe: Oh-h-h, yes it is. A little hot, yes!
Antonio: Well, maybe I – [stands up] I should, uh, do something about this…
Guadalupe: Oh, no-o.
Antonio: …no?
Guadalupe: Too sexy, please, don’t do it! NO, MY FRIEND, TOO SEXY!
Antonio: But I must!
[The band plays fast music while Antonio sways sensually and undoes a button on his shirt. The music stops when Antonio finishes undoing the button.]
Guadalupe: [while music is playing] NOOOO! TOO SEXY! NO, PLEASE STOP IT! BE COOL! OH NO, MY FRIEND, TOO SEXY!
Antonio: Okay, very nice. Now I’m all right. Maybe one more for the [band plays a few fast notes] kids? No, I will not do this. [sits down]
Now…what here is this? [points to Sally’s breasts] They call them something, I know. There is [points to Sally’s left breast] this one, and ooh! [points to Sally’s right breast] Look here, man! There’s another! They are like the sexy things. Sometimes they move and they say hello. But, they’re also know how to be quiet….Very sexy.
Sally: You mean my breast?
Antonio: [laughs] Yes. The bread.
Sally: Look, I made a…huge mistake in coming here. [reaches for her book and starts to get up]
Antonio: Shhhhh…[touches Sally’s lip] shh-poo-poo!…It is hot in here, yes?
Sally: No!
Antonio: I think I must [stands up] do something about the heat, uh…
Guadalupe: [under Antonio’s last line] No-o, no, no, no!
Antonio: …all of a sudden, it…
Guadalupe: [over Antonio’s last line] No, no, friend, no!
Antonio: No, I must…
Guadalupe: No, please!
Antonio: [whispers] But I must!
Guadalupe: Don’t! It’s too sexy, my friend!
Antonio: I must.
Guadalupe: Please, noooo! [band plays fast music while Antonio undoes the next button on his shirt, sways sensually, and rubs his chest] NO, MY GOD! TOO SEXY! NOT AGAIN! HERE IT COMES! TOO SEXY, YA! YA! YA! OH, NO! [music stops]
Antonio: Okay. [grabs his zipper] How about my little friend to [band resumes fast music] come out?
Guadalupe: NO, NO, NOT THE LITTLE FRIEND!
Antonio: [before Guadalupe finishes pleading] Oh, all right, [music stops] I will not do this, then! [sits down] All right. Now…very serious, now. Let’s not laugh. No more funny.
Well, where we were, what, where, who, what happened?
Sally: [before Antonio finishes talking] I don’t know.
Antonio: What did you say?
Sally: I don’t know.
Antonio: It was like a sexy thing!…This I rike.
Sally: Rike?! You’re Spanish, not Chinese!
Antonio: This is true. But I am so the sex. But it is hot again! Why is this happening? [stands up] Is there a problem with the temperature in the studio?
Guadalupe: [starts just before Antonio stands up] Oh, no. Oh-h, my God, no, please! No, my friend, please! It is TOO sexy this time! [chuckles]
Antonio: But I must! [band plays loud, fast music while he begins taking off his shirt]
Guadalupe: OH, NO!
Antonio: Now! You watch! [Sally becomes disgusted] Watch me do the holy dance!
[As soon as his shirt is off, Antonio does a flamenco dance on the couch while clapping his hands. Sally grabs her book and runs away.]
Guadalupe: [during Antonio’s display] PLEASE, MY LITTLE FRIEND! TOO SEXY-Y! STOP IT! STOP IT! [cries for him to stop] TOO SEXY, YAAAA!
[Antonio sits back down after Sally is gone. The music becomes soft as Antonio sits down.]
Antonio: She will be back….For she is like the place for putting in my thing….You know what I’m saying. Well, we will see you next time on…how do you say? Ah yes….Show.
[The music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table. Fade up title. Antonio grabs a rose.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 17th, 1998 Lucy Lawless Elliot Smith None Tina Fey Paula Pell Judge Judy Sheindlin NBC News Special ReportSummary: Arrogant Republicans Henry Hyde (Will Ferrell), Jesse Helms (Darrell Hammond) and Mary Bono (Cheri Oteri) vex America and falunt their inpenetrability. Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Henry Hyde, Jesse Helms. Transcript
Montage
Lucy Lawless’ MonologueSummary: Audience members think Lucy Lawless and “Xena: Warrior Princess” are lesbians. Transcript
Shirt In A CanSummary: Another stained shirt. Dammit! A can of spray paint will solve your wardrobe problems.
Judge JudySummary: Judge Judy (Cheri Oteri) hears the case of a stripper clown (Lucy Lawless) before the real Judy Sheindlin interrupts the proceedings. Recurring Characters: Judge Judy, Burt. Transcript
The History of Presidential Scandal ISummary: Andrew Johnson slept with a bird. Transcript
MSNBC: White House In CrisisSummary: Female MSNBC reporters treat the Clinton scandal with a slumber party mentality. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary:Despite their animosity toward one another, Howard Stern and “Saturday Night Live” are a ratings success when bred together in Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio” segment.
Stevie Nicks’ Fajita RoundupSummary: Stevie Nicks (Lucy Lawless) sings fajita-themed parodies of her popular songs to promote her new restaurant. Transcript
The How Do You Say, Ah Yes, ShowSummary: Sexy Antonio Banderas (Chris Kattan) chats with the author of a book on Lyme Disease (Lucy Lawless). Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas. Transcript
The History of Presidential Scandal IISummary: Lyndon B. Johnson’s whores had a special nickname for him. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Colin Quinn is nearly stabbed twice by Chucky the murderous doll, who pretends to deliver serious commentaries on the Clinton scandal and the World Series. Transcript
Elliot Smith performs “Waltz #2”
BiographySummary: Drunken Jack Perkins (Darrell Hammond) narrates a biography on the life of Puff Daddy (Tim Meadows). Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins, Puff Daddy.
The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) sing a medley at the World Series. Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.
…..Colin Quinn Tropical Storm Georges … Kelsey Grammer
Colin Quinn: [in brown suit, standing before WUsodium screen where newspaper graphics and WU iconsfloat in and out of view pointlessly] Ooh! The bigstory this week: more documents released in theClinton and Lewinsky scandal. Actually, that is NOTthe big story this week. It’s just the story thatpeople talk about because the real stories are toofrightening. The story should be about the imminentcollapse of the global economy. Russia and Brazil arebroke. They wanna borrow money. The IMF says thatJapan will have its worst recession since World WarII.
And now, this week, our administration makes a bigannouncement that we have a seventy billion dollarsurplus. Why is that in the news? They should shut up.We shouldn’t be talking about our surplus when allthese countries are tapped out. You know how when yourfriend wants to borrow money and you have to pleadpoverty? … Our country should be like, “Nah, man,I’m broke, too. Yeah. … Ah, I gotta pay for thosehurricanes. You know, why don’t you ask Germany? Iheard they just got a new Chancellor. Ask India, theyjust did nuclear testing, you know? Ask Canada, theydon’t have anything fun to do with their money. Itjust sits there, you know?”
But it’s scary talking about a real problem so,instead, we talk about the White House soap opera,squeeze every last stupid irrelevant detail out of thebig sex scandal. “What was she wearing? — ooooh!” Ourcountry’s a bunch of junior high school kids passingnotes to each other right now. “Ooh, he likes EleanorMondale! Ewwww!” You know, following politics used tomean knowing which congressman voted for Farm Aid.Now, it means knowing what color the thong was, allright? Although, I will be the first to admit ifEleanor Mondale gets in the mix in this, I will find arenewed interest in this case, all right? She’s gonnabring new life to this like when Alyssa Milano joined”Melrose Place,” all right?
[Music, dissolve to WU montage]
Announcer V/O: And now, from the news capitalof the world, it’s Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.
[GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN QUINN – Dissolveto Colin at WU desk. Cheers and applause.]
Colin Quinn: Oh, my God! Oh, folks, no! Thankyou. Hi, I’m Colin Quinn.
Linda Tripp took a lie-detector test this week todetermine whether she tampered with a tapedconversation she had with Monica Lewinsky. The testsshowed that every answer she gave was truthful, exceptone: “200 pounds.” … Ah, all right.
Kenneth Starr — some people are still calling thisguy, by the way, the “Whitewater special prosecutor”– Kenneth Starr. Hey, when’s the last time you heardthis guy talk about the Whitewater Scandal? Isn’t thiskind of like saying “Heisman Trophy winner O.J.Simpson”? … [delayed applause] Thanks, folks. Came alittle late.
Another former White House intern was arrested in NewYork for stalking George Stephanopoulos. The judgetold the woman, “Hey, go pick on somebody your ownsize.” …
Upon his retirement, former White House PressSecretary Mike McCurry received a call from SenatorKennedy congratulating him on his seventy home runs…. [some applause]
U.S. officials and experts say that Iraq is close tobuilding a nuclear weapon. Translation: The U.S. willsoon be bombing the crap out of Iraq. … That’s whatit means.
Last week, Iran announced that it was dropping thedeath sentence on Salman Rushdie. Then, this week,they announced that the death sentence still stood.Rushdie’s reaction will be seen on Iran’s hit show”Fundamentalists Bloopers and Practical Jokes.” …[some applause]
In Washington, Benjamin Netanyahu and Yasser Arafatagreed to go ahead with peace talks that could occuras soon as mid-October. When these two guys gettogether they have disagreements. But one thing theyall agree on – is that the room smells a little funky….
While Hurricane Georges has been downgraded to a”tropical storm,” it has already set records as thelongest, rainiest storm of the season. In a dramaticdevelopment, Weekend Update has captured the followingsatellite images of Tropical Storm Georges.
[Cut to Georges, a sophisticated French gentlemancomplete with slicked back hair, mustache, ascot, apurple robe, champagne glass, cigarette and holder. Hesits on a yellow sofa with a poodle as noisy windblows and huge storm clouds race by in the background.SUPER: LIVE / VIA SATELLITE — 2ND SUPER: TropicalStorm Georges]
Tropical Storm Georges: [thick French accent]Ah, bonsoir, mes amis! I am Tropical Storm Georges…. The most beautiful and sensuous of all the severeweather systems. My actual birth name is Jean FrancoisGeorges Le Grand. But the stupid National WeatherService shortened it to “Georges.” They have no class.They are just jealous. The Weather Service is nothingto me, I spit on them. [spits] You see, that justcaused a flash flood in Mississippi [pronounced “Massa sappy”]. Like I was saying, when Georges decides toinvade an American city, it’s not just a storm — itis art. Every power failure I cause is like the strokeof a brush on a canvas. Every time– Every telephonepole I overturn is like a fresh dish of coq auvin — with a petit side of camembert.Every airport I close is like making passionate loveto a woman named Dominique. You stupidAmericains with your lust for money, your festfood and your Brian Benben. [shakes his head withdisgust] Ha ha! … How I long to destroy you. Aurevoir, Colin!
[Cut back to Colin at the desk.]
Colin Quinn: Ah, that was Tropical StormGeorges … [applause] confirming many of our worststereotypes of the French. Tropical Storm Georges,everyone, urrgghh!
Last week, “Rush Hour,” starring Jackie Chan and ChrisTucker, was the number one movie at the box officeagain, making it the most lucrative Black-Asiancombination since Tiger Woods. … [applause]
In an attempt – an attempt to bring Gen X-ers tobowling, AMF Bowling Centers has hired Michael Jordanto hype the sport. They hope Mike can do for bowlingwhat he did for baseball. …
Paul McCartney served as chauffeur when his daughter,Mary, got married this past weekend. Paul stated,”Ringo wasn’t available. He was busy workin’ a prom.”…
Some more bad economic news: the Gillette company hasannounced that they’re going to cut forty-sevenhundred employees. Here’s how it will work: [dissolveto animated footage from an old Gillette commercial ofrazor blades cutting a hair off a man’s face] Thefirst blade cuts the most recent hires … [firstblade cuts the hair – “300”] The second blade cutsanyone nearing their pension … [second blade cutsthe hair – “4399”] And the third blade cuts the guywho tagged out the boss at the company softball game…. [third blade cuts the hair completely – “1” -Dissolve back to Colin at the desk.]
[Photo of John Gotti, Jr.] John “Junior” Gotti wasreleased on ten million dollars bail to house arrestin his Long Island home this week. He’s required towear an electronic ankle bracelet, which most peopleagree is the most tasteful piece of jewelry he’s everworn. …
I’m Colin Quinn. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ toit. Buh-bye..
[Colin waves. Cheers, applause, music. Pull back andfade out.]
[ open on Terry Ferguson standing in front of an office building ]
Terry Ferguson: I’m Terry Ferguson, abnd I love America! [ holds up his thumb ]
[ cut to American flag with “Terry Ferguson for Senate” ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson loves America.
[ cut to Terry Ferguson looking confused as a Chinese cook talks. Terry smiles sheepishly. ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson believes in the power of good times!
[ cut to Terry Ferguson running up to a woman on the street, shaking her hand hesitantly, then steps aside with a confused look on his face ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson is not a Washington insider like his opponent, Gary Simmons. Let’s look at the facts:
[ cut to picture of Gary Simmons with “Washington Insider” atop a pair of boxes marked “Yes” and “No.” ]
Announcer: Washington insider for over twelve years?
[ “Yes” box is checked ]
[ picture now reads “Interns” atop a pair of boxes marked “Yes” and “No.” ]
Announcer: Interns working under him?
[ “Yes” box is checked ]
[ picture now reads “Genitals” atop a pair of boxes marked “Yes” and “No.” ]
Announcer: Has genitals?
[ “Yes” box is checked ]
[ cut to Terry Ferguson standing in front of a fountain ]
Terry Ferguson: Twenty-three years ago, I lost my genitals in a fire. and since that time, I haven’t had sex with anyone. In fact, the mere thought of sex gives me phantom pains where my privates used to be. Now, look here – the American school systems rank tenth in the nation. That’s not good. Is it? Let’s try to change that. Vote for me.
[ cut to ad card ]
Announcer: Ferguson for Senate. The thought of sex gives him phantom pains in his genitals!
Terry Ferguson V/O: Paid for by Democrats for Ferguson!
[ open on Terry Ferguson shaking people’s hands as thye walk past him on the sidewalk ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson is a man of the people.
[ cut to Terry waving at people on the sidewalk ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson believes in a strong America.
[ cut to Terry talking with a black man, flinching his head back as the man talks animatedly with his hands ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson is pro-education.
[ cut to Terry addressing the camera as he crosses the street ]
Terry Ferguson: Hi! I’m Terry Ferguson, Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate. Twenty-three years ago, I lost my privates in a fire, leaving me completely unable to have sex with anyone or anything.
[ cut to close-up of Terry’s face ]
Terry Ferguson: Imagine my surprise when the Democratic Party contacted me to run for Senate. Well, I discussed it with my wife, my doctor, even my co-workers down at Foot Locker. They al said, “Why not?” Look – I don’t cheat on my wife, because I can’t! I lost my genitals in a fire! So, vote for me. And I’ll become a Senator. [ hesitant ] In Washington. [ holds his thumb up ]
[ cut to ad card ]
Announcer: Ferguson for Senate. He lost his genitals in a fire.
Terry Ferguson V/O: Paid for by Democrats for Ferguson!
Teenager: Let’s face it – pizza blows. And burgers? Forget it.
Instead, get your face into new KCF Shredders – juicy iceberg lettuce and tangy mayonnaise served in a bag. It’ll rock your world!
And if the regular portion isn’t enough, then just gigantisize it – for 39 cents more, you get a whole pound of iceberg lettuce and three cups of mayo.
And the KCF Schredder Kids Meal gives you a medium Shredder, a small milk, cole slaw and a rice pudding dessert cup. Kids under 12 get free “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” action figures.
Shredder Italiano comes with crisp iceberg lettuce and herb mayo.
Southwestern Shredder has cool iceberg lettuce and sour cream.
[ dissolve to Vince Thomas standing in front of a wooded area in Snohomish, Washington ]
Vince Thomas: Welcome back! To ESPN2’s coverage of the 1998 Lumberjack Classic. And I’m here with Vince Thomas, our champion — [ Will Ferrell steps into the frame, confused, as Kelsey stops, gleams at the cue cards and corrects himself ] I’m Vince Thomas, rather. Here with our champion, Clive Sundstrum. [ holds the microphone in front of Ferrell’s face, but he fails to respond still looking dazed. Kelsey grins, then pulls the microphone back. ] Clive, your — [ Kelsey cracks up, as Ferrell, looking disgruntled, begins to walks off-frame ] How does it feel! [ holds the microphone back in Ferrell’s direction ] Come on.
Clive Sundstrum: [ returns to frame ] Uh – well, first of all, I – I have to give thanks to the Lord for blessing me today. Uh – I was swinging great, my cuts were clean, and, with Jesus Christ at my side, I pulled it off.
Vince Thomas: Tell us about the pole-climbing competititon, that is traditionally your weakest event. But, this year, different story!
Clive Sundstrum: Yeah. Well, uh – I was halfway up the pole, I was getting kind of tired, and, uh, suddenly, just like He’s done so many times before, Jesus Christ, Eternal Son of God, climbed into my arms.
Vince Thomas: Jesus did?
Clive Sundstrum: Right. Jesus. And, uh – once He was in my arms, I just, uh – zoooom!! – flew right up the pole. That was all Jesus.
Vince Thomas: Okay. Wow! Quite a display.
Clive Sundstrum: Yeah. Yeah, I know. Some day He’ll sit in judgement over us all, but.. for now, He’s helping me win lumberjack contests. It’s great to have Him aboard!
Vince Thomas: Well, now, you hit a rough spot in the underhand chopping event —
Clive Sundstrum: Yep.
Vince Thomas: A few mis-hits, you swung an axe handle. What happened?
Clive Sundstrum: Yeah. I gotta say, Jesus really blew that one. Uh.. I know I had a — He had a long day – a plane went down, there was an earthquake somewhere, I think – uh – but I’m trying to win a title here! I can’t afford to have Jesus fall asleep at the wheel! Okay?
Vince Thomas: Yeah. You and Jesus seemed to have pulled it together after that, though?
Clive Sundstrum: Yeah! Good ol’ Jesus. He’s a clutch player! The guy’s a winner. He’s got a lot of heart.
Vince Thomas: Right. Right. Joining us now, is second-place finisher, Bill Fromph, from Grisham, Oregon. Bill. Wow. Touch luck today, huh? What happened?
Bill Fromph: Uh, well – you can’t expect to win a classic like this without a little help from, uh – J.C. on your side. You know? What can I say? I guess, uh, Clive’s always hogging Jesus!
Vince Thomas: Clive, how do you respond to the allegation that you are a Jesus hog?
Clive Sundstrum: Hey! Hey, I’m not the boss of Jesus, okay? If the Son of God wants to help me climb poles and roll dudes off logs – hey, I’m all for it!
Bill Fromph: Hey, that’s a bunch of crap, man! You know – if he gets Jesus, we should get Jesus! Yeah! He always gets all the Jesus! Give us some Jesus!!
Clive Sundstrum: Hey, you shut up!! Don’t make me get Jesus on you!!
Vince Thomas: [ stunned ] Once again – the power and partisanship of Jesus Christ, reeking havoc here at the Lumberjack Championship. Let’s take a look at the standings.
[ dissolve to the Standings board:
lumberjack classic
1. clive sundstrum/jesus 2. bill fromph 3. jim simpson 4. tim rogers 5. boyd hale 6. grant le saux 7. todd greene 8. mitch weinstein ]
Vince Thomas V/O: As you can see, finishing first is the team of Sundstrum and Christ; Rogers, the Episcopalean, placed fourth; and, once again, coming dead last: Mitch Weinstein.
[ dissolve back to Vince Thomas with Clive Sundstrum and an appropriately-dressed Mitch Weinstein ]
Vince Thomas: Mitch joins us now. Mitch? This has got to hurt, huh?
Mitch Weinstein: Well, uh – I’ve given Yahweh every chance you could ask for, but, uh.. he just wasn’t giving me the juice. [ smiles ] But, uh, the good news is, I found Jesus!
Vince Thomas: Really?
Mitch Weinstein: Yeah! Uh – He was hanging out at the Gatorade booth, and, uh, you know, if all goes well, Jesus might be playing for Team Weinstein next year!
Vince Thomas: Well! Great news! [ chuckles heartily, as Mitch exits ] One mroe question, Clive: You’ve hinted at retirement, will you be back next year?
Clive Sundstrum: Uh – well, I’m gonna relax for a while, maybe Jesus and I will go to a theme park. Well.. then, we’ll see. [ exits ]
Vince Thomas: Encouraging words, from a great champion. That’s it! From the Lumberjack Classic. I’d like to thank.. Jesus Christ, for giving my brain and tongue the strength to conduct this interview. Back after this! [ rolls his eyes ]
A STAGEHAND dresses WILL FERRELL in pajamas as quick as she can.
Will Ferrell: I dont want to miss my cue.
LORNE MICHAELS enters.
Lorne Michaels: Will you hurry up, Ferrell!? Youve been screwing up all night. Will you stop thinking about your movie and get into the game?
KELSEY GRAMMER enters.
Kelsey Grammer: Im sick of you messing up, man!
Kelsey shoves Will.
Kelsey Grammer: Im really sick of it! For God sakes - Im a professional. My show just won five Emmys.
Will Ferrell: Cmon, guys - quit it.
CHERI OTERI & TIM MEADOWS come on scene.
Cheri Oteri: Hey, Will, you busy being a jackass?
Cheri shoves Will.
Tim Meadows: Yeah. Are you?
Tim shoves Will.
Kelsey Grammer: Looks like it to me. Wills a jackass!
Kelsey boots Will in the ass. Cheri & Tim shove Will some more.
Will Ferrell: Hey! You guys are jerks!
Kelsey Grammer: Cmon, man!
Lorne moves closer to Will.
Lorne Michaels: What did you say? You best not be stepping up, bro!
Tim Meadows: Hey! Kick his ass, Lorne!
Cheri Oteri: Yeah! Do it!
Kelsey Grammer: Yeah! You little baby! Do it!
Kelsey boots Will again.
Kelsey Grammer: Look at him!
Will Ferrell: Cmon!
Everyone begins to taunt Will.
O/S Voice: Hey! Hey! Leave him alone!
SHAQUILLE ONEAL comes in from behind. Dead silence.
Tim Meadows: Shaquille ONeal.
Lorne Michaels: Wow.
Shaquille O’Neal: No one hurts Will Ferrell while Im around.
Shaq grabs Wills hand and they trail off.
Shaquille O’Neal: Back off!
Everyone stands in silence, mouths open.
Will Ferrell: Thanks Shaq. Shaq, why do they always pick on me?
Shaquille O’Neal: I dont know, man.
Both men whisk past playback monitors and members of the audience and stop at a green-screen set, superimposed with a clear, blue sky. Shaq lifts Will and cradles him in his arms.
Shaquille O’Neal: [singing] No ones going to hurt my little man, As long as Im around. I do all I can! To make people understand, That he is special.
Shaquille O’Neal: You are special, Will.
Shaq puts Will down. Will throws his arms around Shaq.
Will Ferrell: [singing] If anything is safe and warm, When Im in Shaqs arms.Ill never be harmed And Ill always be charmed, By my large friend.
Shaq sways his body, arms, and snaps at the same time. Will jumps up and down, smiling bright and wide.
Shaquille O’Neal: [singing] When trouble comes, To carry you away. All you got to do, Is say everythings okay. For who, youll be my reward Will.
Shaq picks up and cradles Will.
Shaquille O’Neal: [singing] Thatll be my reward, Will.
Will Ferrell: [singing] And when Im in Shaqs arms, I know that Im his little man. And the earth can be a promised land.
Air Date:
