Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 2

98b: Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Graham Stansler…..Kelsey Grammer

[ open on Margaret Jo McCUllen and Teri Rialto broadcasting their show in the great outdoors ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And you’re listening to..

Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, Teri, Autumn is here, and, as you know, that can mean only one thing for us: leaf –

Teri Rialto: Thoughts of a Christmas suicide.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Actually, Teri, I think you meant leaf-watching.

Teri Rialto: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s what I meant. [ slight giggle ] I love Fall. And that’s why we’re broadcasting today from the Cataranga State Park in the Shenandoah Valley.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Teri and I thought we’d share some of the splendor of Fall’s color explosion with you today.

[ an animal can be heard howling off screen ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Oooh, what was that? It’s beautiful.

Teri Rialto: Ah. It’s neat. It’s like a crazy kaleidoscope out here.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know. I feel like I’m on acid!

Teri Rialto: I feel like I’m tripping my ass off.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow. It’s neat.

Teri Rialto: Really neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s fun. It’s a lot like taking acid.

Teri Rialto: It’s trippy.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s good times.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, we’re sharing our weekend excursion with a special guest.

Teri Rialto: Yes. He is an expert on finding food in the wild, and he’s going to share some secrets with us on snacking au natural.

Margaret Jo McCullen: But don’t worry, he’s still got his clothes on!

Teri Rialto: [ laughs ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Anyway. Please welcome author and naturalist, Graham Stansler. Hi, Graham.

Teri Rialto: Hi, Graham. Thank you for being here.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Graham.

Graham Stansler: Thanks. Hi.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi. I like your beard.

Graham Stansler: But.. I don’t have a –

Margaret Jo McCullen: [ whispering ] It’s radio. They can’t see you!

Teri Rialto: [ whispering ] That’s a good one, a very good one!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Graham, I understand you, and your beard, have spent a lot of time roughing it in the wild. What sorts of things do you like to eat here in the great outdoors?

Graham Stansler: Well, Margaret Jo, any nature walk begins with one essential staple. I’m talking, of course, about GORP.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Oooohh.. GORP! Sounds sexy. Ecstatic.

Graham Stansler: Ah-ha. It is. It is. GORP is an acronym for granola, oatmeal, raisins and peanuts. But for me, it just stands for delicious.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooohh.. Actually, Teri and I have some allergies, so we have to eat it without the granola or oatmeal. We call it RP!

Teri Rialto: Mmm.. I love RP.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s good, isn’t it?

Teri Rialto: I could sure go for some RP right now.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Mmm-hmm.

Graham Stansler: RP? Ha ha ha!

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s delicious.

Graham Stansler: Sounds good! RP! Wow, that’s great!

Margaret Jo McCullen: It is good.

Teri Rialto: It’s very good.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s neat.

Teri Rialto: It’s good times.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times.

Graham Stansler: Oh, it is good times! Of course, if you find yourself on a fairly long nature walk, the GORP soon runs out. And then it’s your challenge to find savory sustenance in the wild.

Teri Rialto: Hmm..

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, what sort of things could we eat right here around us, Graham?

Graham Stansler: Oh. Well. Here, below the tree line, there are lots and lots of exciting things to eat. Bark, moss, even grubs.

Margaret Jo McCullen: What about berries, Graham?

Graham Stansler: Oh, it’s my understanding that some berries are poisonous, and that’s why I avoid them – even the ones in the grocery store.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Oh.

Teri Rialto: Yeah, me too.

Graham Stansler: Now, if you work your way a little higher on the mountain, pickings get a little slimmer. Maybe some likens, some wet soil. But soon, that’s gone, too, and to make matters worse, you realize you’re lost, and you’re starting to suffer from severe hypothermia.

Teri Rialto: Wow. Hypothermia.

Graham Stansler: [ starting to unravel ] Then you think you see a bridge off in the distance, leading to a Kentucky Fried Chicken that floats in the clouds. And your hiking partners have to restrain you. And then night sets in, and you’re huddling in a snow cave drinking your own urine!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, I bet that tastes terrible.

Teri Rialto: It actually doesn’t.

Graham Stansler: After a couple of days, you’re dehydrated! You’ve eaten your boot leather, and you’re going blnid from hunger! That’s when you get desperate! You have to find something to eat! So, you and your buddies draw straws to see which one of you guys isn’t coming down the mountain!

Margaret Jo McCullen: [ unsettled ] Well.. how about we.. maybe talk a little –

Graham Stansler: Then, in perhaps your lowest moment, you cheat to make sure it’s not going to be you. And it turns out to be.. Carl! The godfather of your children! [ sighs heavily ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Maybe we should talk some more about GORP..

Graham Stansler: You know, it’s really amazing how.. how easy it is.. how easy it is to turn your back on God! How easy it is to steal a little extra Carl while the others aren’t looking! And then a chopper comes and rescues everyone! [ saullen ] But for the rest of your life, everything you eat.. tastes a little like Carl. Gamey, a little stringy. [ sighs ]

Teri Rialto: Okay.. well, thank you very much for coming, Graham.

Graham Stansler: Oh, sure. And thanks for having me, ladies. Remember: GORP stands for granola, oatmeal.. shoe leather, urine.. and Carl!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Okay, anyway, join us next week on The Delicious Dish, when we’ll be back in the studio working through this experience.

Teri Rialto: That’ll be fun.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 2

98b: Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow

Bedtime at the White House

Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on exterior shot, White House ]

[ SUPER: WHITE HOUSE – OCTOBER 3rd, 11:28 p.m. ]

[ cut to Clinton bedroom, Bill Clinton in bed talking on phone ]

Bill Clinton: ..the way I see it, I’m gonna set the G7 straight. I’m gonna fix the world economy. Get peace in the Middle East. And then I’m gonna.. bomb.. the hell.. out of Serbia. I am gonna kick some serious ass! [ laughs, bites his lip and holds his thumb out ] What? Yeah, I just bit my lip and did the thumb thing, how’d you know? Ho-oh! No, everything else is great. Really. It seems like the loose ends are finally getting tied up again.. [ looks to the side of the bed ] Ohhh, hi, darling! [ Hillary slams the door and approaches the bed ] I.. uh.. gotta go. [ hangs up phone ]

[ Hillary starts to take her robe off, as Bill watches intently. Angry, Hillary tightly double-knots her robe and quickly jumps into her side of the bed ]

[ hoping for some sort of response from Hillary, Bill feigns laughter, then shuts it off when he realizes she’s not going to give him any favorable response ]

[ Bill reaches across the bureau and grabs a copy of the Holy Bible. He switches his gaze back and forth from the Bible to Hillary, pretending to read the Bible ]

Hillary Clinton: [ looking at Bill “reading” the Holy Bible ] Yeah, right!

[ Bill puts the Holy Bible back on the bureau. With nothing else to do, he picks up the remote control and checks to see what’s on television. ]

Voice on Television: “..And we didn’t have sex, Linda. None. We didn’t have sex.” Tripp: “Well, what do you call it?” Lewinsky: “We fooled around. Having sex is having intercourse.” Tripp: “Ohhh, you’ve been around him too long..”

[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]

Voice on Television: ..So, by Bill Clinton’s definition, groping in a bar is sex. Oral sex is sex..

[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]

Voice on Television: ..sexual relationship, unquote, with Monica Lewinsky..

[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]

Voice on Television: ..The most private details of President Clinton’s sex life..

[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]

Voice on Television: ..confirming semen on the dress matches..

[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]

Voice on Television: ..Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin [ laughter ] with a cocktail waitress and stale cigars..

[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]

Voice on Television: ..on the Weather Channel, the news is still severe storms blowing down in the Gulf region. Pretty much, uh, like Monica was blowing the Presi-..

[ Bill quickly turns the television off, Hillary having grown more uncomfortable with every channel switch ]

[ Hillary turns the lamp on her side of the bed off ]

[ Bill makes one last attempt at reconciliation for the night and reaches over to cuddle with Hillary ]

Hillary Clinton: Nope!

Bill Clinton: [ pulls away and rolls over on his side of the bed. He looks toward the camera and silently whispers.. ] Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 2

98b: Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow

Private Eye

Detective Rick Stone…..Kelsey Grammer
Lois Charles…..Molly Shannon

[ open on black-and-white film noir scene, set inside Detective Rick Stone’s office ]

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I was sitting in a hot office at midnight in the naked city, sipping $2 gin and wondering when my next paycheck was gonna walk through my door. When suddenly..

[ Lois Charles enters the office ]

Lois Charles: Rick Stone?

Detective Rick Stone V/O: ..it did.

Detective Rick Stone: [ rises ] Who wants to know?

Lois Charles: Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Lois Charles.

Detective Rick Stone: I should tell you, kitten, my services don’t come cheap.

Lois Charles: Oh, yeah? Well, fortunately, I came with a few Benjamin Franklins.

Detective Rick Stone: You keep good company, Blue Eyes. Have a seat.

[ she sits ]

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I was playing it cool. But I couldn’t remember which bill Benjamin Franklin was on. A twenty? Nah.. I think it’s the ten. But still, three of those babies, that’s like $47.

Lois Charles: That’s $300, Mr. Stone.

Detective Rick Stone: [ gruff ] I’m well aware of that!

Detective Rick Stone V/O: $300! Hell, with that kind of cabbage, I could buy a burrito! Or I could buy a new suit and a burrito. That all-night suit and burrito place over on State Street, called the 5th Street Suit & Burrito Shack Hut. Wait.. that place doesn’t exist. Damn!

Lois Charles: Mr. Stone? Mr. Stone, you seem a little distracted!

Detective Rick Stone: I’m sorry. I don’t get too many beautiful women in here.

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I don’t get too many burritos in here, either. Except a lot of ’em when I buy ’em and bring ’em here. Ma-a-ann, I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since two-and-a-half minutes ago, when I had a burrito. Not the kind in a tortilla, but the kind that’s made out of iced coffee. Okay. I had an iced coffee. I don’t know why I lied and said it was a burrito. I guess I was trying to impress you. Did it work? Yes? Who was that? Oh. It’s me. It’s cool. Burrito.

Lois Charles: [ getting annoyed ] Mr. Stone! Hello!

Detective Rick Stone: I’m listening, Dame-o. Keep sqawking!

Lois Charles: I said, I think my husband is leaving me!

Detective Rick Stone: I heard ya!

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I did hear her. It’s just, I didn’t know what “husband” or “cheating” meant. Geez, I gotta get a dictionary! I’m still hungry. I’m gonna get rid of this broad, so I can go get a burrito and a suit.

Detective Rick Stone: Alright, darling. Why don’t you just scram, I’ll call you tomorrow with the skinny!

Lois Charles: But you don’t even know what I want you to do yet.

Detective Rick Stone: Oh, I know enough.

[ music sting, as Lois points a gun at Stone ]

Detective Rick Stone V/O: What’s that she’s holding? Oh, good, it’s a burrito. No! It’s a gun!

Lois Charles: You know too much, pallie! Now, put your hands up where I can see them! Come on!

Detective Rick Stone: Hey, what gives, lady!

Lois Charles: You don’t even remember me, do you, Stone? Why.. you.. you exposed the affair that I was having with Mayor Blyer! You humiliated me! And now you’ll die!

[ Lois fires a shot, striking Stone ]

[ Stone falls to the floor, as Lois makes her getaway ]

Detective Rick Stone V/O: It was 12:15 in the naked city, and I had a handful of lead in my belly, courtesy of some crazy dame with a mean streak. The lead wasn’t as filling as a burrito, but I guess for the time being it satisfied my craving for burritos. How long would it last? Based purely on science, I’d say ten minutes. Burrito.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 2

98b: Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow

Bernard

Dad…..Tracy Morgan
Bernard…..Shaquille O’Neal

[ open on interior, dark living room, as Bernard sneaks in past his curfew ]

[ suddenly, Dad, seated in wait on the couch, turns the lights on ]

Dad: Bernard, get your ass over here!

Bernard: Sorry I’m late, Dad.

Dad: Sit yo’ ass down! What time was you supposed to be home?

Bernard: Midnight, Dad.

Dad: Okay. Now, what time is it now?

Bernard: Two o’clock, Dad.

Dad: Okay. Using the art of subtraction, how late, exactly, are you?

Bernard: Two hours, Dad?

Dad: Close enough. Listen, Son.. I told you, the next time you were late, I was gonna take you over my knee! Now, lay your ass over my lap!

Bernard: You can’t spank me, Dad, I’m too big!

Dad: Look, I ain’t afraid of you, Bernard! you think I’m a wussie?!

Bernard: No..

Dad: Now, lay your ass on my lap! This is my hise! I got to spank me some butt!

Bernard: Dad!

Dad: Look, the longer you wait, the harder I’m gone hit, Bernard! I ain’t playin’ wit’ you!

[ Bernard lays across Dad’s lap, nearly toppling Dad over the couch due to Bernard’s large stature ]

Dad: You can’t get too big for me! Okay? Now, here it comes! [ raises arm and swats Bernard’s butt in repeated motion ] How! Many! Times! I told you! To get your ass! Home! On! Time! And! Never To!

Bernard: [ mocking ] Ooh! Ahh!

Dad: Damn! Twelve! We! Go Through This! Every! Single Time! You! Go Out! And You Still! Don’t! Learn! Nothing! You crying?

Bernard: Yes!

Dad: Yeah, you better cry! [ continues to spank Bernard ] ‘Cause the next time! You show your ass in! At two o’clock! In the damn morning! I’m gonna spank! Your ass! ‘Til you wish you didn’t! Have a ass! Get up! [ Bernard stands ] You know, that hurt me more than it hurt you! Come here. Come on over here. You had fun tonight? Tell me what you did.

Bernard: Went to a few clubs, and I went to eat a burger with Michelle.

Dad: That sounds nice! Put your head down on my lap, Son. I’m gonna tell you a story about me and your mother.

Bernard: Dad, it’s uncomfortable!

Dad: Don’t make me take my belt off, Bernard!

Bernard: Dad, you’re wearing boxer shorts.

Dad: Lay your head down, or I’m gonna have a spanking flashback! [ Bernard lays his oversized head down on Dad’s tiny lap ] Your momma was the prettiest grl in the class. Is your girlfriend pretty?

Bernard: Yeah.

Dad: She got a nice shape?

Bernard: Yeah.

Dad: Mmm.. your momma had a nice shape when I first met her. Now she got.. now she got a butt like a bag of wet clothes. You gettin’ sleepy?

Bernard: No.. no..

Dad: Let me hold you, while I sing you a song to make you sleepy.

Bernard: Dad, you can’t hold me!

Dad: You wanna hear a lullaby, or you wanna get your ass cracked?!

Bernard: Hear a lullaby.

Dad: Come on over here.
[ singing ]
“Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop
when the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
As the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
and down will come Bernard.. cradle.. and all.”

I’m proud of you, Son. I’m proud of you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 2nd, 1998

Kelsey Grammer

Sheryl Crow

Shaquille O’Neal

Dennis McNicholas

Hal Linden

Christine Baranski

Patti Lupone Bedtime at the White HouseSummary: In the days following the release of the Starr Report, a fuming Hillary Clinton (Ana Gasteyer) ignores Bill (Darrell Hammond) in the bedroom.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Kelsey Grammer’s MonologueSummary: Kelsey Grammer sings rejected versions of the “Frasier” theme song.

Also Hosted: 93q.

KCF ShreddersSummary: A teenager (Jimmy Fallon) touts the hip lettuce snacker for his generation.

Transcript

Delicious DishSummary: Wilderness fanatic Graham Stansler (Kelsey Grammer) relates his story of nature and cannibalism.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

Terry Ferguson For Senate ISummary: Candidate Terry Ferguson (Will Ferrell) will avoid sex scandals, because he’s lost his genitals in a fire.

Transcript

BernardSummary: When he comes home too late, tall Bernard (Shaquille O’Neal) gets a whipping from his short yet aggressive Dad (Tracy Morgan).

Transcript

Terry Ferguson For Senate IISummary: Candidate Terry Ferguson (Will Ferrell) is no Washington insider, but he has lost his genitals in a fire.

Transcript

Private EyeSummary: A film noir private eye (Kelsey Grammer) is obsessed with thoughts of burritos.

Transcript

Hose ’em Down!Summary: The new director (Kelsey Gramer) of “Baywatch” elicits emotions from actresses before spraying them with hoses.

The Best of Horatio SanzSummary: Compilation tape for one of SNL’s newest performers includes moments from his first two episodes, plus Dan Aykroyd sketches as filler.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Tropical Storm Georges (Kelsey Grammer) relates his disgust with the National Weather Service.

Transcript

Sheryl Crow performs “My Favorite Mistake”Also Performed: 96b.

Mr. PeepersSummary: Socialogist (Kelsey Grammer) proves that Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) really is an animal.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

MaakiesSummary: In a cartoon by Tony Millionaire, surgery allows a sliced rat to become a ship’s mermaid.

Morning LatteSummary: Cass van Rye (Cheri Oteri) and Tom Wilkins (Will Ferrell) interview Shaquille O’Neal while inappropriately bringing up the new producer’s (Chris Kattan) recent sexual harrassment lawsuit.

Recurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye.

Hello DollySummary: The extreme cuteness of the dolls spawn the inner psyches of Deanna Nolen-Gray (Ana Gasteyer) and her co-host Don Simkin (Kelsey Grammer).

Recurring Characters: Deanna Nolen-Gray.

ESPN2 Lumberjack ClassicSummary: A lumberjack (Will Ferrell) thanks Jesus Christ for helping him win the competition while snubbing his competitors.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Shaq’s LullabySummary: Shaquille O’Neal comforts Will Ferrell after other cast members and Lorne Michaels tease him.

Note: This sketch appears as a bonus feature on the Best of Will Ferrell DVD.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Dominican Lou…..Tracy Morgan

*NOTE: The very beginning of Colin Quinn’s opening is not transcribed here. If you have the opening words of this script, please submit them.

[Fade up to Colin Quinn standing in front of a blue screen. Colin is standing on the left side of the screen. Video of President Bill Clinton’s sex scandal testimony is on the right side. “Weekend Update” logos are scrolling down behind the Clinton footage.]

Colin Quinn: …It’s in the very pores of my skin. They’ve interviewed every DNA expert, every psychologist, every dry cleaner. We’ve heard how the Europeans are reacting, how the people of Arkansas feel, how Wall Street is being affected. You got media experts talking about other media experts, headlines about headlines, you can’t say the word “cigar” without everybody laughing in your face.

You can’t judge great men on their infidelities, you just can’t! They all fooled around, and they all lied about it! The Founding Fathers: Thomas Jefferson slept with his slaves, John Hancock sounds like a porno star, George Washington died of syphilis–this is the man who, by the way, I – we were taught in school, never told a lie. I – I don’t know too many people that died of the clap that didn’t have a few fabrications pass between their lips, I’m sorry. I mean, he got the bill from Dr. Benjamin Franklin, “Oh no, Martha, these are wooden teeth, I think,” you know?

Hey, how would you like your last sexual encounter in a book? It’s embarrassing when people see some of your behavior you never thought would be brought to light. Like Tom Hanks when “Bosom Buddies” comes on. All right?

We’re being devoured by this story, folks. This story owns us! This story will eventually destroy us! We will all be left like Monica herself: on our knees, asking Betty Currie for a glass of water and a Tic Tac.

[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: Aah! I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you. All right! Thank you. Let’s take a look at some of his testimony:

[cut to video from Clinton’s testimony]

Bill Clinton: …depends upon what the meaning of the word “is” is….If the – if he– If “is” means “is, and never has been,” that is not…that’s one thing. If it means “there is none”…that was a completely true statement.

[cut to Colin]

Colin: Yeah. The Leader of the Free World, a Rhodes Scholar, but the minute he’s under questioning, he turns into Vinny Barbarino. Huh? [imitating Vinny Barbarino] “What – where is…what is…what…Mr. Kotter?”

[cut to Clinton video]

Judge: The grand jury would like to know, Mr. President, why it is that you think oral sex performed on you does not fall within the definition of “sexual relations,” as used in your deposition.

President Clinton: Because…that is…if the deponent is the person who has oral sex performed on him, then the contact is with…not with anything on that list, but with the lips of another person.

[cut to Colin]

Colin: You gotta give it to him, he’s got brass ones….”Honey, I wasn’t with an intern, I was with a deponent!”

[cut to Clinton video]

Bill: She’s basically a good girl. She’s a good young woman with a good heart and a good mind…

[cut to Colin]

Colin: See, he’s trying to be nice. That’s what guys always say about the fat girl. Come on! Am I lying? All right.

This week, the new Miss America, 24-year-old Nicole Johnson, stated publicly, “The President should resign.” Thank you, Nicole! I’m sure everyone can’t wait to hear the rest of your opinions at the next boat show!…Nap? [one woman cheers]

The popular ’70s band KISS is planning to reunite for a concert at Dodger Stadium. They will be giving away the KISSmobile, a car equipped with KISS floormats, embroidered seat inserts, and KISS hubcaps. This car is going to be worth a lot of money 20 years ago.

Chinese computer hackers have broken into the military’s computer system and shut down a satellite. Such an act could only be the work of a mathematical genius. Chinese authorities investigating the case have narrowed it down to 600 million suspects.

Billy Crystal’s My Giant was released on video for the first time this week at a price of a hundred dollars. Though the cost may seem high, the money will go to reimburse people who paid to see it in the theater.

[photo of the new $20 bill] Starting this week, the Federal Reserve will release a re-designed version of the 20-dollar bill. The new bill will have new security features such as a visible watermark, security thread, and color-shifting ink, which will make it impossible to counterfeit….I don’t know, our graphics department [jerks his thumb at the photo] didn’t seem to have much trouble.

Scientists have discovered a new site where the coelacanth fish lives, a species that was thought to have been extinct for 90 million years. Scientists say this fish could provide valuable information on evolution, and that it is best prepared broiled with butter and garlic.

Joan Kroc, the widow of Ray Kroc, the founder of McDonald’s, donated 80 million dollars to the Salvation Army. So now, if they ask you for any money this Christmas, tell ’em to go to Hell….[mercy applause and cheers] That’s okay, folks. [chuckles]

And now, here with analysis of the home run chase is the building super at 1901 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our very own Dominican Lou!

[pan over to Dominican Lou, who is wearing a Chicago Cubs jersey and has a baseball in his hand]

Dominican Lou: Gracias. Gracias! Sammy! Sammy Sosa! Okay! Sammy Sosa, who is Dominican like me, is hitting the home runs a lot, and I am so proud o’ he! I’m proud o’ he! The Dominican people love he, they love he for what he do, I love he, I so proud o’ he! I’m proud of he–the pride of the greatest sport of all time, the baseball!

Colin: I understand you have something special for us, Lou.

Dominican Lou: Well, Colin, you remember the game where Sosa hit the 62 run? He break-a the record? Well…look at this! [holds up the ball]

Colin: Wow!

Dominican Lou: I have the ball from that game! I come onto you show to sell it for one million dollars!

Colin: That’s amazing! You caught Sosa’s 62nd home run?

Dominican Lou: No. It is not Sosa’s ball. But in the game, you remember? In the third inning? Gary Gaetti, he hit the foul ball into the stands? I caught that ball! I sell it for one million dollars!

Colin: Lou, you can’t sell Gary Gaetti’s ball. Nobody wants Gary Gaetti’s ball!

Dominican Lou: I sell you the ball, Colin. One million dollars. Come on, bro! You got the money, you on TV. One million dollars, bro.

Colin: Lou–

Dominican Lou: Come on!

Colin: I don’t want the ball, Lou.

Dominican Lou: Look, it’s a nice ball. It’s autographed. [holds out the ball]

Colin: [takes the ball and examines it] Hey, this says “Dominican Lou.”

Dominican Lou: I sign it! You buy it for one million dollars!

Colin: Lou, I’m not gonna buy Gary Gaetti’s ball!

Dominican Lou: Okay, okay. Can I say one more thing about the Sosa?

Colin: Okay, go ahead.

Dominican Lou: Colin Quinn, you are a cheap bastard!

Colin: Dominican Lou, everybody! [puts the ball on the desk]

Dominican Lou: You too cheap for that ball! [picks the ball back up]

Colin: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

[Colin and Dominican Lou talk more about the ball]

[fade to black]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

The Roxbury Guys

Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Celeste…..Cameron Diaz
Georg Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Yortuk Festrunk…..Steve Martin
…..Billy Corrigan
…..Smashing Pumpkins

[Open to outside of the Moomba Club]

[Cut to the indide of the Moomba Club, where Celeste and 2 other guys enter in]

Celeste: Hello, Smashing Pumpkins.

Billy: Celeste. Did you get my messages?

Celeste: Only all 12 of them…

Billy: You wanna dance?

Celeste: Hey, who are the new guys?

[Cut to the bar, where Steve and Doug are bopping their heads with wine bottles in their mouths, to “What is Love” by Haddaway]

Doug Butabi: Hey! You wanna dance? [He steps foward, does some dance moves, and then gets back to the bar] You do? You dont? You’re deaf? No, you’re not deaf at all! Okay, sorry about that.

Steve Butabi: [He steps foward] You wanna dance? No? You’re a Mennonite and your elders forbid it? Okay. Cool. Right! [He steps back]

[Celeste has a cigarette in her mouth, and does a hand motion, asking the Guys for a lighter]

Doug Butabi: Me? Him? Me? Him?

Steve Butabi: Him? No? Me? Him? [He manages to get a lighter out of his poket, but Doug jumps in for it, and he throws it into the bar, and it lights on fire.]

[The barman gets a extinguisher and extinguishes the fire, and sprays water everywhere, even on Doug and Steve’s suits, which leave some white marks]

Steve Butabi: We’re good! We’re fine, thanks alot! Thanks alot.

[Celeste walks in between them]

Steve Butabi: Hey! Hey! [They bounce her around with their chests]

Celeste: [enjoying] Oh! [She whispers to the guys after they stop]

Doug & Steve: SCORE! VEERRY NICE! [They high-five]

[Cut to a Cadallac driving on a busy street]

[Cut to the inside of the Cadillac, where Doug, Celeste, and Steve are bopping their heads]

[Cut to the outside of an apartment building]

[Cut to the interior of the building. They are in a room, in which the Celeste enters and lays on a bed. The Guys come dancing in]

[“What is Love” stops. There is stereo and many CD’s on top of a table, and the Guys scramble to find a CD to play. Doug finds a CD, and Steve puts it in. “What is Love” place once again]

[Celeste does a finger motion for the Guys to join her in the bed]

Doug Butabi: Who? Me? Him?

Steve Butabi: Him? Me? Him?

Doug & Steve: BOTH!? SCORE!

[They go in the bed, and cover themsleves with a blanket. The lights go off after some bouncing around, and the bouncing keeps on going on until…]

Steve Butabi: OH!

Doug: OH!

[…the Guys find out that Celeste snuck out of bed, while they are left, uh.. boning each other]

[Cut to the outside of The Moomba Club]

[Cut to the interior, where Celeste sees the Smashing Pumpkins again]

Billy: Hey, how about that dance?

Celeste: Oh please, Billy! Hey! Who are the new guys!?

[Crowd clears, revealing the Festrunk Bros. dancing]

Georg Festrunk: [Thick accent] HELLO! [checking her out] Hello, young super FOX!

Yortuk Festrunk: [Very thick accent] We enjoy your big American breasts! You must be impressed at our tight pants, that increase our buldges!

Gerog Festrunk: Would you like to go surfing with us to the porngography sites!?

[The Roxbury Bros. enter]

Doug Butabi: What’s going on here!?

Steve Butabi: Why are you with her?

Yortuk Festrunk: Because we are….

Festrunk Bros.: Because, we are two WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!

[They walk out with the girl]

Celeste: SCORE!

Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Oprah 2002

Thelma Weston…..Tracy Morgan
Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
Kenneth Starr…..Chris Parnell
Linda Tripp…..John Goodman
Tina Baxter…..Cameron Diaz

[ open on “Oprah 2002” graphic ]

[ dissolve to fat-suited Thelma Weston on set ]

Thelma Weston: Hello! Hello! Hello, and welcome to Oprah — the Opah show for January 11, 2002. Mmm — [ licking fingers ] This pork chop is on da money, baby! And now, here’s Oprahhhh!

[ slim Oprah Winfrey steps out ]

Oprah Winfrey: Well, thank you, Thelma! That, of course, my sidekick for the past three years — Thelma Weston. Hello, everybody, welcome to “Oprah”! Now, honey, I can’t believe that 2001 is already over. Can you?

[ audience reacts: “Noooo!!” ]

Oprah Winfrey: I know! But we have got some show for you all today, honey. Now, do you remember this from a few years ago? [ reading ] “I did not have improper relatinos with that woman.” [ audience reacts ] That’s right! It’s been almost FOUR years, but we’ve got the gang from the Monica Lewinsky scandal… here with us today!! [ audience cheers ] So… let’s bring them out!

So, you know him as the former President of the United States — WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON!! BIIIIILLLL!!!

[ a dapper, moustached Bill Clinton steps out, kisses Oprah, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: It’s good to see you.

Bill Clinton: Good to see you, baby!

Oprah Winfrey: And here’s Bill’s ex-wife — let’s hear it for MY GIRL, honey! The former First Lady — HILLARY RODHAM!! YEAHH!!!

[ a granny-dressed Hillary steps out, greets Oprah, sits ]

Hillary Clinton: [ to Bill ] Hey, you! Hey, you!

Oprah Winfrey: And what would the Clinton scandal be without… MONICA LEWINSKYYYYY!!

[ Monica steps out, exchanges embraces with Oprah, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: And this guy — this guy was always my favorite — Independent Counsel KENNETH STARRRRR!!

[ Starr steps out, mimics his authority for the crowd, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: And, finally, the woman without whom NONE of these people would be here — LINDA TRIPP, everybody!! LINDAAAA!!!

[ Linda waddles out, kisses Oprah, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: All right, everybody… all right, all right! Now — okay, now. It was four years ago — you guys were involved in a BIIIG scandal!

Bill Clinton: [ jovial ] Who, me? [ he laughs ]

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, you, Bill! Now, looking back on it, do you have any regrets?

Bill Clinton: [ he sighs ] I do, Oprah. I just wish I had gotten to know Ken a little. [ he wraps his arm around Starr ]

Linda Tripp: I… have… one regret, Oprah. [ she fights her emotions ]

Oprah Winfrey: Linda… come on, now. Come on. You have something that you want to say to Monica?

Linda Tripp: Yes, Oprah. [ tears ] Monica… I want to say… I am so sorry… that I said you looked fat in that blue dress.

Monica Lewinsky: Linda… that is so sweet. Now, you’re not recording this, are you?

[ they share the laugh ]

Oprah Winfrey: It’s so great to see you all laughing like this! This is strange. Do you ever get together, do you solcialize?

Bill Clinton: Well, you know, it’s so hard. I’m in L.A. working with DreamWorks… Hillary’s in Santa Fe —

Hillary Clinton: Doing my pottery thing! [ she sticks out her tongue ]

Bill Clinton: And we were all gonna get together in Aspen last Winter, but Linda couldn’t make it.

Linda Tripp: I had some out-patient surgery, unfortunately.

Monica Lewinsky: How are your feet?

Linda Tripp: The feet are good… they’re good.

Oprah Winfrey: Now, Kenneth, um — I understand that you’re not in D.C. any more?

Kenneth Starr: No, I’m actually in Toronto now, and I just couldn’t be happier! I realized that eveything I did back then wasn’t about the Clintons or obstruction of justice. I was in a baaaad marriage, and, uh… just not in a healthy place.

Oprah Winfrey: But, now you’re remarried?

Kenneth Starr: Yes — to Connie, a physical therapist. [ waves to the camera ] Hey, baby!

Oprah Winfrey: Now, Bill — Bill, what was the moment when you knew things were out of control?

Bill Clinton: [ clears his throat ] I, uh — I remember one time in the Oval Office… I was on the phone with Madeline Albright, eating pizza, chomping on a cigar, COKED out of my mind.

Monica Lewinsky: [ smiling ] I remember that night! I remember! [ she laughs ]

[ Bill’s eyebrows raise, his mind reeling back as he smiles ]

Bill Clinton: And, you know, I just thought: Hey! You know, I’m the President of the United States, this is nuts! You know, I’m gonna end up like Tupac.

Oprah Winfrey: No, but you didn’t stop there, did you?

Bill Clinton: No, I did not!

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, because you got in trouble again, after the, uh, the Lewinsky scandal. In fact, you had another affair in the Spring of 1999… with a paralegal who was working on your civil suit.

Bill Clinton: Right… right. Well, you know, THAT one made all the headlines. I guess I just have the magic touch! [ he bites his lip and holds up his thumb ]

Oprah Winfrey: [ laughing ] Well, let’s bring her out! SURPRISE!! TINA BAXTERRRRR!!!

[ Tina Baxter steps out and sits ]

Tina Baxter: You know, Oprah, I have to tell you how lucky I feel to have been a part of this scandal! These people here — these people did so much work!

Oprah Winfrey: You know what? You all are so GREAT together. I just want to know: Is there any chance you might team up again for, maybe, another scandal?

Linda Tripp: Weeeellll… we’re not allowed to say anything for sure… but we’ve been talking! [ mimes with her hand ]

Monica Lewinsky: Yes, it’s definitely a possibility.

Oprah Winfrey: Well, you’ve given us all so much already. Thank you for making history. The cast of the Clinton-Lewinsky Scandal! Let’s hear it, everybody, please!

[ they all stand, hold hands, and bow ]

Now… we’ll be back with MORE of this crazy gang — plus: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Oops! I Crapped My Pants

Ana…..Ana Gasteyer

[Open – porch of nice home, looking out on yard.]

[Two grandparents sit with grandchild, as parents approach in tennis uniforms]

Ana: Hey, Mom what do you say to a game of tennis?

Grandchild: Come on grandma, with you on our side, the boys don’t stand a chance!

Grandma: Okay, I’ll get my racket

[Grandma rises from site but changes her mind, looking concerned]

Grandma: On second thought, I think I better sit this one out.

[Grandma upset, looks up at Grandpa]

Grandpa: You kids go ahead, I wanna have a talk with your old grandma.

[kids, parent leave; Grandpa sits down]

Grandpa: You’re still having control problems, aren’t you?

Grandma: I just don’t feel confident, Harvey.

Grandpa: Come with me. I wanna let you in on a little secret.

[Grandpa takes Grandma’s hand and they leave porch]

[Grandpa opens cabinet and takes out adult diapers]

Grandpa: Here we are. Oops! I Crapped My Pants.

Grandma: Oops! I Crapped My Pants. I’ve heard of those. Do they work?

Grandpa: Oops! I Crapped My Pants outperformed every bladder and bowel control product on the market today. Here, I’ll show you.

[Grandma holds open diaper, Grandpa holds pitcher]

Grandpa: Imagine this pitcher of tea is really a gallon of your feces.

[Grandpa pours pitcher of tea with lemons into diaper]

Grandpa: See how its super thick protection allows for maximum absorbency without leaking.

Grandma: I’m impressed. Oops! I Crapped My Pants can hold a lot of dung.

Grandpa: And get this – Oops! I Crapped My Pants are biodegradable. Now that’s good for the environment.

Grandma: Hey, how do you know so much about Oops! I Crapped My Pants?

Grandpa: Well I’m wearing them.. and I just did.

[Grandpa and Grandma smile at each other]

[tennis courts, Grandpa and Grandma playing tennis with children]

Grandchild: Nice point, Grandma!

[Grandma turns to address camera]

Grandma: Thanks, Oops! I Crapped My Pants!

Voice-over: Visit your local pharmacy and just say, “Oops! I Crapped My Pants.

[Grandpa hugs Grandma, kisses her on the head. They walk away happy]

[They turn to walk away and their tennis shorts are bulging…]

Submitted by: Michelle Donahue Hillison

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Cameron Diaz’s Monologue

…..Cameron Diaz
Man in Audience…..Hugh Fink

Cameron Diaz: Thank you! Thank you, everyone, it’s great to be here in New York! As you can see, I didn’t use too much hair products this evening! [ laughs, but scowls at an unresponsive Man sitting in the audience ] What? What the hell are you looking at, what’s your problem? [ he stares back, confused ] You’re just sitting there with that goofy smart-ass look on your freakin’ punk-ass face, so I’m just wondering – do you have something to say to me?

Man in Audience: [ stunned ] Punk-ass? My face isn’t punk-ass..

Cameron Diaz: [ laughing ] What? What the hell did you just say?

Man in Audience: No, I.. I mean, I love your work..

Cameron Diaz: Oh, you love my work? That’s supposed to mean something to me? Right. You know what? You’re bugging the living crap out of me, man. I know you think I’m, like, that sweet girl you see in the movies all the time. But I gotta let you know, okay – you don’t know me! You don’t know what’s going in here. So you’d just better back off before I unload on y’all.

Man in Audience: Okay.. everything’s cool?

Cameron Diaz: What? What’s cool about it, man? I mean ,what do you think, that you can just sit there like some damn, dirty punk, sirking like a bitch? [ walks over to the Man in Audience ]

Man in Audience: No.. I..

Cameron Diaz: No, I what? [ slaps the Man ] You think it’s easy sitting here reading these cur cards?

Man in Audience: Yes?

Cameron Diaz: Yeah? Okay, then try it, jackal! Read the cue card!

Man in Audience: Okay.. Jackel?

Cameron Diaz: Read it!!

Man in Audience: [ readin ] “Okay.. we’ve got a great show tonight, the Smashing Pupe-kins are here..”

Cameron Diaz: [ outraged ] What?! You jack ass! Shut up, you – Listen, you know what, just step off a second and I’ll show you how it’s done. [ returns to stage ] Okay, I’m super excited about being here this evening. We’ve got a great show tonight, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts