Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

Deep House Dish

DJ Dynasty Handbag…..Kenan Thompson
T’Shane…..Andy Samberg
…..Madonna
…..Lady Gaga
Miss Ice Tia…..Kristen Wiig
Danny McCooz…..Ryan Reynolds

[Techno music is playing in the background. MTV 4 logo appears]

Announcer Voice Over: You are watching MTV 4. The alternative to the alternative. 99% awesome… 100% of the time. Next up Deep House Dish.

[Logo of Deep House Dish appears on screen. Logo Shatters and cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag dancing on a pedestal while T’Shane is sitting on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Welcome to Deep House Dish. The only show devoted to house music and dishing out the latest house and techno music stars. Alright! (Snaps fingers)

[DJ Dynasty Handbag walks back to the couch and sits beside T’Shane]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: And Now! Here with our brand new segment on Deep House called rumour alert is my good friend and co-host T’Shane.

[DJ Dynasty Handbag starts to give multiple high fives with both hands to T’Shane. Camera cuts to T’Shane]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ok T’Shane do your worst.

[T’Shane grabs a hidden mic that was beside him]

T’Shane: Rumour Alert! (T’Shane’s voice echoes in the studio)

[T’Shane smiles and happy about the sound and outcome of the voice effect]

T’Shane: What pop diva told her band to quite eating Freeto’s on the tour bus?

[T’Shane is waiting for someone to answer his question. Camera cuts back to both T’Shane and DJ Dynasty Handbag sitting on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well? What’s! What’s the answer?

T’Shane: Oh I don’t know I just wanted to use the echo mic.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oooo weee T’Shane. You just emberrassed yourself in front of erve’body in our studio erea. OK?

[T’Shane is sad about the embarrassing act. T’Shane picks up the Echo mic]

T’Shane: Ball rat! (T’Shane’s voice echoes in the studio)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Moving on. Our first guest is performing at club quarantine. It used to be a Dollar Treat beside Ricky’s beauty supply on Aferson Drive. Please put your hand me together for Miss Ice Tia.

[Camera cuts to Miss Ice Tia ready to perform her song “Not Good Enough”.]

Miss Ice Tia: (sings)
“I give you my best but my best wasn’t good enough because my best isn’t very good.
I shall be good but my good is oh so bad and not the bad that means good.
My good is bad and my bad is worse another person worse would be so very good for me. So so so very good for me.”

[Miss Ice Tia starts to dance]

[Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch clapping at the performance of Miss Ice Tia]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh Oh wee Tia. Bring yourself over to me.

[DJ Dynasty Handbag makes a gesture for Miss Ice Tia to sit beside him on the couch]

[Miss Ice Tia site on the couch beside DJ Dynasty Handbag]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tia! Now you have touched so many people’s hearts with this song. What made you write it?

Miss Ice Tia: I wrote d’this because I have MAD low self esteem. So…I don’t think anything of myself and I want to shout it from the roof tops.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I love how up front you are.

Miss Ice Tia: I will not accept that compliment I am a loser HOOLLA!!

T’Shane (with the echo mic:) HOOLLA!!

[T’Shane’s voice echoes in the studio]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Next up. Turn your ears and your eyes towards Danny McCooz singing his hit songs “Status Update”.

[Camera cuts to Danny McCooz between two female dances ready to sing “Status Update”]

[Techno music plays while the two female dancers start to dance.]

Danny McCooz:
“Danny McCooz is…
Danny McCooz is…”

[A Facebook status window appears on screen with “Danny McCooz is..” as the status.]

Danny McCooz:
“Danny McCooz is heading to Cosco.
Danny McCooz is everybody chill.
Danny McCooz is happy it’s Friday.
Danny McCooz is keeping it real. “

[Danny McCooz starts to do the Robot Dance.]

Danny McCooz:
“Hid my status update.
Don’t ignore my status update.
Danny McCooz is Molly Ringwold in the 16 Candles quiz.
Danny McCooz likes this.
Danny McCooz is…”

[Techno music stops]

[Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch clapping at the performance of Danny McCooz]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OOHHH! OOHHH! Danny you sure is. You sure is. Now here sit down.

[DJ Dynasty Handbag makes a gesture for Danny McCooz to sit beside him on the couch. Miss Ice Tia is no longer on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: And tell us how this song came about.

Danny McCooz: Well I just picked my most interesting facebook status moments and copied them down on paper. Then..uh… DJ friend of mine who owes me money for cocaine put beats to it. I am so blessed.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh you are. You are.. and so are we. Your facebook status should say “Danny McCooz is a mega mega mega mega talent”

Danny McCooz: It does.

T’Shane: Hey peeps! Rumor Alert. What DJ who hosts a house music talk show was seen shopping for Capri pants at Lane Bryant.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: They were for my sister!!

T’Shane: Then why did you try them on?

DJ Dynasty Handbag: My sister and I are built the same. Moving on… Oh my lord I am so excited. So excited. Please give it up. Two exciting entertainers performing together for the very first time. Lady Gaga and Madonna.

[Camera cuts to Lady Gaga and Madonna ready to perform. Techno music starts to play.]

[Lady Gaga and Madonna start to dance.]

Lady Gaga: (sings)
“Watch me Work.
What’s wrong Madonna can’t get into the groove”

[Lady Gaga and Madonna continue to dance]

Lady Gaga: I got 5!

[Lady Gaga and Madonna stop dancing and turn to each other]

[Madonna sings in Lady Gaga’s direction]

Madonna: (sings)
“Looks like your wig needs a fix…”

[Madonna starts to pull Lady Gaga’s hair. Lady Gaga screams in pain.]

Lady Gaga: No No No.

[Lady Gaga pushes Madonna away. Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch worried about the fight between Lady Gaga and Madonna]

Background singers: You are such a little bitch.

Lady Gaga: “So So So.”

Madonna: What the hell is a Disco stick?

[Madonna reaches for Lady Gaga’s neck and starts to choke her.]

Lady Gaga: “I think you know”.

[Lady Gaga reaches for Madonna’s neck and starts to choke her. They start to fall to the ground. Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: STOP IT!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!! OOOOO Weeeee! Do not make me walk over there and tell you two all about yourself in front of er’vybody in the view er’ea. Get over here.

[The music stops to play. T’Shane has a worried expression on his face]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Stop it! Sit down on the…

[Lady Gaga and Madonna continue to fight while they walk towards the couch]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Sit on the….

[Lady Gaga and Madonna flop on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: You know what?

[DJ Dynasty Handbag stands up and sits between Lady Gaga and Madonna]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I’m going to sit my little pooper between you two so you can behave.

[Lady Gaga goes behind DJ Dynasty Handbag’s back and continues to fight with Madonna]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you to behave!

[Lady Gaga sits up. Madonna sneaks behind DJ Dynasty Handbag’s back and slaps Lady Gaga behind the head.]

Madonna: What did you say?

DJ Dynasty Handbag: STOP IT!!!!!

Lady Gaga: Well We’ll try. Hey! Guess what Madonna. I’m totally hotter than you.

Madonna: Hey guess what.

[Madonna stands up and slaps Lady Gaga behind the head]

Madonna: I’m taller than you. What kind of name is Lady Gaga anyway? It sounds like baby food.

[Madonna sits back down on the couch.]

Lady Gaga: The kind that’s number one on the billboard charts.

[Lady Gaga lunges herself towards Madonna over DJ Dynasty Handbag and continue to fight.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: HEY!!! I said behave Biatches!!!

[DJ Dynasty Handbag stops the fight between Lady Gaga and Madonna]

Madonna: (to DJ Dynasty Handbag:) Biatch! You need to stop interrupting us.

Lady Gaga: Yeah! We’re Pop Icons. RESPECT!

Madonna: Respect!

[Lady Gaga and Madonna give each other a high five]

[Camera cuts to T’Shane with a very scared expression on his face.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ah Well. T’Shane doesn’t have as much professionality as me when it comes to his on Air Stress.

[Lady Gaga goes behind DJ Dynasty Handbag’s back and continues to fight with Madonna]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Hey STOP. I want you two to kiss and make up.

[Lady Gaga and Madonna stop fighting.]

Madonna: Hey!

Lady Gaga: Excellent.

Madonna: You made my ring come off.

Lady Gaga: Sorry:

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Kiss each other.

[Lady Gaga and Madonna lean in just in front of DJ Dynasty Handbag’s face to kiss. When Lady Gaga and Madonna are about 2 inches away from each other DJ Dynasty Handbag moves in between them and kiss DJ Dynasty Handbag on the cheek.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OH OH my goodness.

[Lady Gaga and Madonna start to caress and kiss DJ Dynasty Handbag.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am feeling weird things.

[Lady Gaga reaches over and pulls T’Shane to join in.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am feeling weird things. Well that all for Deep House Dish. Cya all.

[Camera slowly zooms out and you seen T’Shane on top of Lady Gaga, Madonna and DJ Dynasty Handbag]

[Logo of Deep House Dish appears]

[Fade to Black]

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

So You Committed A Crime… And You Think You Can Dance?

Kevin Federline…..Andy Samberg
Nathan Lane…..Bobby Moynihan
Nancy Grace…..Abby Elliott
Phil Spector…..Bill Hader
Dixon Carrothers…..Ryan Reynolds
Joseph Corey Wayne…..Will Forte
Lea…..Nasim Pedrad
Owen Schecter…..Fred Armisen
Casey…..Kristen Wiig
Sergeant Tim Grasser…..Jason Sudeikis
Mike Pots…..Kenan Thompson
Rebecca…..Jenny Slate

[TruTV logo appears with a yellow background. Logo reads “truTV Not Reality. Actuality”]

Announcer: You’re watching TruTV real life show that make you feel bad. Coming up at nine. “Forensic Files” but first the all new reality series “So You Committed a Crime… And You Think You Can Dance?”

[Screen cuts to court room judge bench with 3 judges behind the podium.]

Announcer: It’s so you committed a crime and you think you can dance.

[Show logo appears which reads “So You Committed A Crime… And You Think You Can Dance”]

Announcer: With your host Kevin Federline.

[Kevin Federline is overweight and runs to center stage.]

Kevin Federline: Yo! Yo! Welcome to the show. I’m Kevin Federline…. And I got super fat. Alright let’s say word up to our judges. First from Broadway he’s probably in Shrek… Nathan Lane.

[Camera cuts to Nathan Lane]

Nathan Lane: “I can see what’s happening”

Kevin Federline: NO!!!

[Nathan Lane stops singing. Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Next! You know her from CNN she never stops talking and she is always wrong… Nancy Grace.

[Camera cuts to Nancy Grace]

Nancy Grace: This show is disgusting.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Finally. He is a music legend and he is a murderer. Here on special release. Phil Spector.

[Camera cuts to Phil Spector. Phil Spector is making a menacing look to the camera and not moving]

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Yeah! That’s my boy right there. Yeah! Now before we start, give it up for our world renowned choreographer from Australia… Dixon Carrothers.

[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers who is wearing a silk muscle shirt with a silk tie.]

Dixon Carrothers: Thank You Kevin. When uh.. I agreed to do this show I definitely did not fully understand the premise. That said I’m very excited.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Remember when I made an album? Ok our first contestant definitely committed a crime but can he dance? He is currently serving 16 years at the Millers Ville state penitentiary.

[Camera cuts to Joseph Corey Wayne wearing an orange prison jump suit beside Lea. Joseph Corey Wayne is staring at Lea sexually. Lea is very uncomfortable that Joseph Corey Wayne is staring at her.]

Kevin Federline: I don’t know what he did but he looks like a sex offender.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Say hello to Joseph Corey Wayne. Let’s take a quick peek at his rehearsal.

[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers in a dance classroom]

Dixon Carrothers: For Joseph we figured keep it simple.

[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers at the head of the class teaching Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne part of the choreography. Dixon Carrothers and Lea are the only one dancing. Joseph Corey Wayne is staring at Lea who tries to follow Dixon Carrothers dance moves.]

Dixon Carrothers: Chug chug chug. Chug chug chug. Chug Chug Chug. Chug Chug Chug.

[Camera cuts to Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne. Lea is continuing to dance with Dixon Carrothers while Joseph Corey Wayne is not moving and only staring at Lea’s body]

Dixon Carrothers: Kick ball change. Kick ball change.

[Camera pans out to Dixon Carrothers, Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne]

Dixon Carrothers: Hey! Joseph! Focus! (Dixon snaps his fingures at Joseph Corey Wayne to get his attention).

[Lea stops dancing and freaked out that Joseph Corey Wayne keeps starring at her. After a few seconds she continues to dance]

Dixon Carrothers: Focus Joseph!

[Joseph Corey Wayne starts to move his feet and arms in an attempt to dance while he never takes his eyes away from Lea.]

Dixon Carrothers: Nice! Kick ball change. Kick ball change. Kick ball change and…

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline in the courtroom with the 3 judges.]

Kevin Federline: Alright y’all. Give it up for Joseph Corey Wayne and Lea!.

[Camera cuts to Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne in the courtroom ballroom. Joseph Corey Wayne is still wearing an orange prison jump suit. Lea is wearing a pink ballroom gown.]

[Funky music starts to play. Lea starts to perform choreograph moves. Joseph Corey Wayne tries to stay by Lea’s side by walking. When Joseph Corey Wayne gets too close to Lea she is disturbed that he is getting closer and dances away. Joseph Corey Wayne walking like a zombie tries to catch up with Lea. Lea strikes a pose and the music stops. Joseph Corey Wayne walks over and starts to rum Lea’s arms while she stays in the finishing pose. Lea is very disgusted by Joseph Corey Wayne touching her.]

[Kevin Federline applauds and starts to walk towards center stage beside Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne].

Kevin Federline: Alright. Yeah Yeah Yeah. That was fresh. Let’s see what the judges thought.

[Camera cuts to the Nathan Lane, Nancy Grace and Phil Spector behind the judging desk.]

[All of the judges show there score card. Nathan Lane is showing a “6’, Nancy Grace is showing a “7” and Phil Spector is showing a “6”]

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Yo add those up Joseph and you got an 82.

[The stage producer comes from off camera to whisper something in Kevin Federline’s ear.]

Kevin Federline: 19! Our next dancer is the miggidy miggidy mack of white collar crime.

[Camera cuts to Owen Schecter looks to be a grey haired 70 year old man and Casey]

Kevin Federline: He loves sailing and he will most definitely die in jail. Meet Owen Schecter.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Let’s see Owens rehearsal.

[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers in a dance classroom]

Dixon Carrothers: Owen was a great student but… he was hampered by a relentless desire to escape.

[Camera cuts to Owen Schecter and Casey practicing the choreograph routine]

Dixon Carrothers: Up and Up and Up.

[Owen Schecter starts to dance towards a door marked “EXIT”]

Dixon Carrothers: Up and Up and Up

[Owen Schecter attempts to open the door but a police officer enters the scene and pushes Owen Schecter away from the door marked “EXIT”]

Dixon Carrothers: And come back to the party. And Up and Up.

[Camera cuts a wall with two windows in the dance classroom.]

Dixon Carrothers: Back at it again. Got It! Beautiful Work

[Casey starts to spin Owen Schecter towards her then away from her. As Owen Schecter moves away from Casey, he heads towards a window and tries to open it up. Dixon Carrothers holds Owen while the police officer moves from off camera towards Owen and pushes him away from the window. Owen continues to dance towards Casey like as if nothing happened.]

[Camera cuts to the Police Officer who has a serious look on his face. He never takes his eyes off Owen.]

Dixon Carrothers: Beautiful. Good. Beautiful. Beautiful

[Camera cuts back to Owen and Casey dancing beside the windows again. Owen starts to dance towards the same window he tried to escape from before but the police office put his arm I Owen’s way. Owen then starts to dance back towards Casey]

Dixon Carrothers: There it is. There it is.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline in the courtroom with the 3 judges.]

Kevin Federline: Alright. Put your hand together for Owen, Casey and Sergeant Tim Grasser.

[Camera cuts to Owen, Casey and Sergeant Tim Grasser. Sergeant Tim Grasser is between Owen and Casey. Owen is handcuffed to Sergeant Tim Grasser. Sergeant Tim Grasser is starring at Owen.

[Dance Music starts to play]

[Owen and Casey start to perform the choreograph moves while Owen is still handcuffed to Sergeant Tim Grasser. Sergeant Tim Grasser never takes his eyes off of Owen.]

[Owen spins Casey into his arms. While Sergeant Tim Grasser is still hand cuffed to Owen, Sergeant Tim Grasser’s hand lands on Casey’s breast as Casey and Owen pose when the music stops.]

[Kevin Federline applauds and walks towards center stage]

Kevin Federline: Nice. Nice. That was tight. Alright judges what do you think about that?

[Camera cuts to the 3 judges.]

[All of the judges show there score card. Nathan Lane is showing a “3’, Nancy Grace is showing a “3” and Phil Spector is showing a “6”]

Kevin Federline: Alright add it up and that’s …. eh… 12?

[Kevin Federline looks to his on floor producer for confirmation that the score is 12]

[Kevin Federline is happy that the score is 12]

Kevin Federline: Cool. Our last contestant hails from the super max facility in Florence Colorado.

[Camera cuts to Mike Pots and Rebecca]

Kevin Federline V/O: He is known as the mayor of death row and he straight up ate a prison guard. Don’t look at him in the eyes but do show him some love Mike Pots.

[Camera cuts to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Let’s check out Mike’s rehearsal

[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers in a dance classroom]

Dixon Carrothers: Mike was a big challenge for me because Mike… doesn’t like to be touched.

[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers in a dance classroom instructing Mike and Women 1dance moves. A Police office is beside Rebecca watching Mike]

Dixon Carrothers: Thrust Two three. That’s very good Mike.

[Dixon Carrothers walks beside Mike and genlty puts his hands on Mike shoulder in order to be positioned properly. As soon as Dixon Carrothers hands touch Mike shoulders Mike yells out and starts to bark and trying to attack Dixon Carrothers. Dixon Carrothers runs for cover as the police officer runs over and holds Mike back. Rebecca is very sacred.]

[Camera cuts to Mike sitting in a corner day dreaming and rubbing his own arms. Dixon Carrothers is sitting be side him and puts his hand on his shoulder to comfort Mike.]

Dixon Carrothers: You’re Ok. You’re Ok.

[Mike looks as Dixon Carrothers hand on his should then grabs his hand and pulls Dixon Carrothers forearm to his mouth and bites Dixon Carrothers.]

[Dixon Carrothers in pain looks at the police officer]

Dixon Carrothers: Jeff he’s biting me.

[The police officer runs over and tries to pull Dixon Carrothers arm away from Mike’s mouth]

Dixon Carrothers: Jeff, JEFF…. Jeff use your gun.

[Mike is trying to bite Dixon Carrothers arm harder then before]

Dixon Carrothers: USE YOUR GUN JEFF!! FOR (BLEEP) SAKES.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline in the courtroom with the 3 judges.]

Kevin Federline: Alright I guess were doing this. Here comes Mike and Rebecca.

[Camera cuts to Mike and Rebecca. Mike is posing with his arms crossed and Rebecca is posing ready to dance.]

[Rag time music starts to play]

[Mike and Rebecca are dancing and following the choreography perfectly.]

[Mike and Rebecca finish dancing and strike a final dance pose. Music stops.]

[Kevin Federline applauds and walks towards center stage]

Kevin Federline: Ok very unexpected. Judges…

[Camera cuts to the 3 judges.]

[All of the judges show there score card. Nathan Lane is showing a “9’, Nancy Grace is showing a “10” and Phil Spector is showing a “7”. Nathan Lane and Nancy Grace nod in agreement]

Kevin Federline (V/O): Yo! I think we got ourselves a winner.

[Camera cuts to Kevin Federline, Mike and Rebecca]

Kevin Federline: Mike Pots you are a free man.

[Mike Pots and Rebecca are very happy about the outcome. The stage producer comes and whispers something in Kevin Federline’s ear then moves off camera]

Kevin Federline: Ok never mind. Mike Pots you are still on death row.

[Mike Pots looks disappointed]

Kevin Federline: Alright that’s our show. Until next time. I’m K Fed saying Yes… I will see the dessert menu.

[Music starts to play]

[Mike and Rebecca start to dance]

[Show logo appears which reads “So You Committed A Crime… And You Think You Can Dance”]

[Fade to Black]

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:









Bit Players:

October 3rd, 2009

Ryan Reynolds

Lady Gaga

None

Elijah Wood

Scarlett Johansson

Madonna

Darrell Hammond

Lorne Michaels

Bryan Tucker

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) admits that he hasn’t accomplished a damn thing since taking office in January.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Ryan Reynolds’ MonologueSummary: Ryan Reynolds outlines the difference between a superhero movie and a romantic comedy.

Transcript

Mostly GarbageSummary: In these hard, economic times, dog lover (Jason Sudeikis) sets his priorities straight by serving bagged garbage to his canine pal.

Note: This filmed parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

Family FeudSummary: In an old episode of “Family Feud” on GSN, the Osmond Family competes against the Phillips Family, with John (Bill Hader) and MacKenzie (Kristen Wiig) trying to keep their incestuous relationship a secret from Richard Dawson (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Richard Dawson, Donny Osmond, Marie Osmond.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg raps about throwing various objects “On The Ground”.

Transcript

Porcelain FountainsSummary: Buy a porcelain fountain from Mike (Fred Armisen) to add that extra touch of class to your mundane daily activities.

Recurring Characters: Mike, Lexie.

Transcript

Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to dish on the club music scene with co-host T’Shane (Andy Samberg), featuring Lady Gaga and Madonna performing together for the first time.

Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane.

Transcript

Lady Gaga performs “Paparazzi”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) comments on Roman Polanski. Charles Barkley comments on the 60th anniversary of Red China. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) sits idly by as his wife (Nasim Pedrad) rambles on and on about the excitement of being in New York and being married to a pussy dictator.

Recurring Characters: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charles Barkley, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

So You Committed A Crime… And You Think You Can Dance?Summary: A group of convicted criminals (Will Forte, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson) are paired off with dancers (Kristin Wiig, Nasim Pedrad, Jenny Slate) and a good time is had by all.

Recurring Characters: Kevin Federline, Nathan Lane, Nancy Grace, Phil Spector.

Transcript

International MasterworksSummary: Norwegian actors perform a scene from an American cop drama without losing their thick accents.

Transcript

Lady Gaga performs “Lovegame/Poker Face”

FashionSummary: Ready to go to the afterparty, Andy Samberg is embarrassed to discover that he’s dressed in the same set of clear balloons as Lady Gaga.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Blenda-Fresh 25Summary: Salesman’s (Ryan Reynolds) pitch for a new blenders faces constant interruptions.

Go AheadSummary: After breaking up with his girlfriend, a man (Ryan Reynolds) seeks moral support from an easily-distracted friend (Jason Sudeikis).

American Eagle FoundationSummary: A man pretending to be Reba McEntire (Kenan Thompson) ries to participate in a PSA for American eagles.

Kick ItSummary: Would-be karaoke singer (Ryan Reynolds) messes up the lyrics during his turn on stage.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 1

09a: Megan Fox / U2

Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Get Ready

Friend’s Mom…..Kristen Wiig
…..Megan Fox
Friend’s Voice…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on Megan Fox leaning against a basement washing machine, as her friend’s mom folds laundry ]

Announcer: [ with title SUPER ] And now, “Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Finish Getting Ready.”

Friend’s Mom: She should be down in a few minutes.

Megan Fox: Oh… thanks.

Friend’s Mom: Is it “Mee-gan”, or “Meg-an”, or –?

Megan Fox: It’s Megan.

Friend’s Mom: Oh. [she continues folding ] So you did, uh — you did the, uh — the movie, uh — “Transforms”?

Megan Fox: Oh, it’s actually called “Transformers.”

Friend’s Mom: Ohhh! Okay! I only saw the preview for it. Did it get made?

Megan Fox: It did. Yes.

Friend’s Mom: Congrats! I hear it’s a tough business. [ she points a finger ] So, you used to work in fashion shows, is that right?

Megan Fox: Uh, yeah — kind of. I mean, I did some catalog modeling when I was younger.

Friend’s Mom: Let me tell you — in college, I did a model show, just something for the local “out there” mall. There was this blouse I wanted to wear, that had pearl buttons, but they put me in a French turtleneck instead. Anyway, the show was cancelled ’cause someone brought a knife into the Macy’s, and Security made us evacuate. But… they didn’t ask for the turtleneck back — when God closes one door, he opens another. [ she continues folding a pair of shorts ] You want something to eat? I got a Sara Lee poundcake in the freezer, I can thaw that out.

Megan Fox: [ waving her off ] I’m okay, thank you.

Friend’s Mom: You sure? Thirsty? You want a glass of Slice?

Megan Fox: I’m good. I’m good, thanks.

Friend’s Mom: So… what kind of crowd you run around in?

Megan Fox: Uhhh — I don’t really go out that much, just ’cause I’m really busy. So, when I do have time for myself, I just want to be with, you know, close friends.

Friend’s Mom: Oh. I hear what you’re saying. Yeah. But make time for this: When I was a young woman, I had an opportunity to dance. I was at a music tryout for a redo of “West Side Story”, and I got partnered with — get this — Rick Moranis! Okay? Now, you have to remember: back then, he was no one. This was way before “Ghost Hunters”. So, anyway, after the audition, he asked me to come back to his place, and — let’s put it this way: I think I made the right decision!

Megan Fox: [ confused ] Wait a minute… Are you saying that you…?

Friend’s Mom: Yes! I could have made love to Rick Moranis. But I didn’t. I was dating my husband at the time, and now, however many years later, I still have no regrets. But, don’t worry: One day you’ll have your Rick Moranis moment. [ she continues folding her laundry ] What about you, you, uh — I hear you’re dating Jason Priestly, right?

Megan Fox: Uh — no. No.

Friend’s Mom: Are you sure? ‘Cuase I saw it on “Regis”. [ she shakes her head ] Are you sure I can’t get you a can of Slice?

Megan Fox: No, thank you! [ she laughs ]

Friend’s Mom: Okay. Oh, let me ask you this: In the movie you did, “The Transforms” — were the robot cars puppets, or CSI?

Megan Fox: They were CGI.

Friend’s Mom: You know what kind of movie you should do? This is just my opinion… but I love movies where the girl’s just been through a big break-up, and she swears off men and then she meets the man of her dreams, but she doesn’t know it’s him at first because she hates him… but it growws into love, and then at the end he screws up a little, but not enough to where he can’t redeem himself, but big enough to where they break up… and then he remembers she’s attending a dressy event, so he shows up, and, in front of everyone, he tells her: “I really do love you!” And everyone applauds, and he saiys, “I just, I got nervous!” [ she grins ] Yuo should do one of those movies.

Megan Fox: You know, I like those movies, too — romantic comedies.

Friend’s Mom: Yeah — ohhhh! You know who should play the man? Pierce Brosnan. His movies do very well.

Friend’s Voice: Megan, I’m done!

Megan Fox: Okay, coming!

Friend’s Mom: Hey, one more thing. If I could give you any advice, it would be this: Enjoy the journey, and I think you’re gonna be okay, kiddo.

Megan Fox: Thanks for the talk, Mrs. G.

Friend’s Mom: Any time, any time.

[ Megan finally runs free, as her Friend’s mom lifts up a large pair of underwear ]

Friend’s Mom: Hey, whose are these? What?

Announcer: [ with title SUPER ] This has been “Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Finish Getting Ready.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 1


]]>

09a: Megan Fox / U2

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Jean K. Jean…..Kenan Thompson
Judy Grimes…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

After this week’s dramatic revelation that Iran has built a secret nuclear facility, one of the administration officials said of Iran that they have cheated three times and they have now been caught three times, which explains Ahmadinejad’s nickname: “Jon Gosselin of the Middle East.”

The G-20 summit was held this week in Pittsburgh. When asked, most Americans said they don’t really know what the G-20 is about, but said it probably has something to do with Gatorade.

While addressing the UN General Assembly, Wednesday, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi called President Obama “My son”, after which Glenn Beck’s new book just up and wrote itself.

During his address, Gadhafi renewed his call for Isratine, which would be one state made up of Israelis and Palestinians, or, as it’s known here, Queens.

Yeah! We figured it out.

Hopefully, his call for Isratine will be taken more seriously than his call for Afghanisfrance.

in an interview with Larry King, Michael Moore said that capitalism has proven that it is it has failed. King nodded, then asked him if he still kept in the touch with the rest of the cast of “Roseanne”.

A woman this week in Jakarta, Indonesia, gave birth to a 19.2 pound, two-foot long baby. I guess my only question is: A baby what?

The new mom said she was beside herself, but only because she was split in two.

Seth Meyers: This week, some of Europe’s most powerful nations came together with the U.S. for the G-20 summit. Here to comment is the top Def Jam comedian in France, Paris’ own Jean K. Jean.

Jean K. Jean: Bonjour, everybody! Bon to the jour, Seth. Hey, Seth — y’all got free health care for all your citizens yet? I’m just playin’!

Seth Meyers: Okay, Jean. So, France played a big role at this year’s G-20 summit.

Jean K. Jean: Oh, hell yeah, we did! I love the G-20 summit. That’s where we get to show the world how France DOES it, y’all! Nicholas Sarkozy shows up with Carla Bruni on his arm, and — BAM!! It’s three rivers of champagne flowing in Pittsburgh. You ever seen Carla Bruni? Man, it’s like Jay-Z said: Sarkozy got 99 problems, but the bitch ain’t, unh! I seen Sarkozy up in da club this week, making it rain Euros. Man, Sarkozy’s such a player, he makes Justin Timberlake look like Gerard Depardieu. Zuts alors! [ he jumps up and dances for a beat, then sits ] Incre-able!

Lots of protests outside the G-20 summit. It’s crazy, man. When I was growing up, if we was unruly like that, our mamas would beat us. Your mama would beat ya’ll, right? She’d pull out that belt. Y’all remember the belt? The chanel one? With the gold lame buckle? Man, she beat you so bad, your ass would be burning like the ovens at Au Bon Pain! Zuts alors! [ he jumps up again to dance, then sits ] Incre-able!

Speaking of international issues, you see what was popping at the UN this week, Seth? Lots of crazy ass speeches. We put Gadhafi on blast, though. You see how them diplomats walked out on him? Talking about how the U.S. and Europe are the terrorists. Bitch, take your ass back to your tent, and go back to spraying that jheri curl! You see Gadhafi’s jheri curl, Seth? It looks like his name should be Moammar DeBarge. Man, Gadhafi’s jheri curl is so greasy, brothers be using his hair drippings to fry up their pan crepes! Zuts alors! [ he jumps up to dance, as Seth moves with him ] Incre-able!

Zuts alors! I’m out!

Seth Meyers: Jean to the K to the Jean, everyone! Incre-able, as always! Always, incre-able.

A man in Texas, who was apparently upset after finding a soda can in his room, allegedly used a sword to cut two of his roommates. Boy, if there had only been some red flags with this guy. Oh, yeah — he owned a sword!

The New York State Department of Environmental Conservation is telling drivers to be sure to avoid moose on the roads as they enter mating season — as opposed to plowing your car right into the humping moose like you were planning on.

It was reported this week that a woman in Arkansas became pregnant with a baby boy two weeks after she learned she was already pregnant. Arkansas: where even being pregnant doesn’t stop you from getting pregnant.

A British store is launching a line of underpants for left-handed man to save them time in the bathroom. Let me save you some more time: No one uses the wiener slot.

Census statistics relased this week show that indiana’s Wayne County has the nation’s highest divorce rate, at 19%. Raising the question: What are the children of Wayne County doing to break up all those marriages?

Seth Meyers: It was good news for travelers this week, as some industry experts predicted that 2010 will be the year of the travel deal. Here to comment, prominent travel writer Judy Grimes.

[ Judy appears, staring tensely at the camera without speaking ]

Seth Meyers: Judy? Judy, are you okay?

Judy Grimes: [ in a funny voice ] Hiiiiiiii! [ in her normal, speedy voice ] Just kidding, I don’t say “Hi” like that — I say “Hi” like this: [ deeply ] Hi. Just kidding, that’s my man voice — Just kidding, it isn’t — this is my man voice: Hel-lo! Just kidding — it was the first one, but I never use it. Just kidding — I do, I do when I’m home alone and want to order food. Just kidding — I don’t eat. Just kidding — I do. Just kidding, just kidding… [ she blinks rapidly ]

Seth Meyers: Judy, um, you’ve appeared on the show several times now, and I’ve told you there is nothing to be nervous about.

Judy Grimes: I’m not nervous.

Seth Meyers: You’re not?

Judy Grimes: No. I’m not nervous at all. Just kidding — I am, but it’s all under control. Just kidding — it’s not under control, it’s under a bus. Just kidding — there’s no bus in here, but there’s one on the corner. Just kidding — there’s no bud. Just kidding — there is, and it comes at 10:00, 12:00, 2:00 and 4:30. Just kidding — it comes at 11:15, 2:30, 6:15, and 7:00. Just kidding — that’s not it, but the nighttime schedule is changing and it’s not out yet. Just kidding — it is out. it’s out on the town with its new girlfriend, I wonder where they’re going? Just kidding — schedules can’t have girlfriends. Just kidding — they can, I dated one. Just kidding — I did, but it didn’t work out. Just kidding — [ she blinks rapidly ]

Seth Meyers: Judy, listen — [ looking toward her lap ] what, what is that? what do you have down there?

Judy Grimes: It’s a chart. I brought it in case this happened…

Seth Meyers: Well, great! Okay, awesome! A chart. This will be helpful, okay. [ she holds up the homemade chart ] Do you have anything..? [ Judy pulls out a pointer ] Oh, good! Look at that, this is going to be great. You’re just going to walk us through it. [ she lengthens her pointer ] Don’t be nervous.

[ Judy hesitantly points her pointer to each incline on the chart ]

Judy Grimes: Just kidding — just kidding — just kidding — just kidding — just kidding — I’m just kidding — Just kidding — Just kidding —

Seth Meyers: Judy! Judy, you can do this. Just tell us one travel tip.

Judy Grimes: American Airlines’ frequent flier program will give you 5,000 bonus miles just for signing up.

Seth Meyers: See? You did it! That was amazing!

Judy Grimes: Just kidding — that offer doesn’t exist. Just kidding — it’s for ladies. Just kidding — it’s for everyone but ladies. Just kidding — it’s not for anyone because I just made it up. Just kidding — it does exist, but it’s only for scientists. Just kidding — it’s for farmers. Just kidding — I’m a farmer. I’m a cherry farmer! Just kidding — I’m cherry scientist. Just kidding — I’m not, I study grapes. Just kidding — grapes study me, and I’ve seen the reports. Just kidding — I have, but they’re locked away. Just kidding — the grapes are locked away because I put them in jail. Just kidding — they were found innocent. Just kidding — they were guilty, and I was the judge. All rise for the Honorable Judy Grimes — bang, bang, bang! Just kidding — I’m not really a judge, but I do like to boogie. Just kidding — I don’t know how to boogie, but I can tell a good joke: Knock knock. Who’s there? Just kidding. Just kidding — I’m there! Can you let me in? I forgot my keys and my hands are full of groceries. Just kidding — my hands are free, but the door’s locked. John, are you home? Just kidding — I live alone, I’m nowhere near my house. Just kidding — I’m in my house right now. Just kidding — we live together. Just kidding — Can you please do your dishes? I’m not your maid. Just kidding — travel… just kidding.

Seth Meyers: Judy Grimes, everyone! Still so nervous!

In New York, nannies from Tibet are the most sought after caregivers for a family in the city. The second most sought after caregivers in New york City? Parents.

A former IBM employee who was fired for visiting an adult chat room while at work, is arguing that post traumatic stress stemming from vietnam had turned him into an internet sex addict. He said the hardest part was coming home from Vietnam and having to wait twenty years for the internet to be invented.

It was reported Sunday that Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov closed a deal giving him ownership of the NBA’s New Jersey Nets. Even worse, he plans to change the team’s name to the Nyets.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 1

09a: Megan Fox / U2

An SNL Digital Short

…..Megan Fox
…..Andy Samberg
Optimus Prime…..Bobby Moynihan
Bumblebee…..Brian Austin Green

FADE IN:

INT. MEGAN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

[ Megan comes in the door with groceries. Andy’s behind her with a DVD. ]

Megan Fox: I’m really excited its Movie Night!

Andy Samberg: Yeah! I’m finally glad we’re doing it.

Megan Fox: Um, I hope you don’t mind, but I asked my roommate if he wanted to watch with us. Is that okay?

Andy Samberg: Yeah! Sure!

Megan Fox: Okay.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

[ An overweight man in a bathrobe wearing an Optimus Prime mask from “Transformers” rests on the couch. ]

Megan Fox: Hello, Optimus!

[ MUSIC: DRAMATIC ]

Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Megan — I’m pleased you have returned! Who is your friend?

Megan Fox: Andy — this is Optimus; Optimus — this is Andy.

Andy Samberg: Uh, hi…

Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Hello Andy!

Megan Fox: I’m going to put the groceries away.

[ Megan heads to the kitchen. ]

[ MUSIC: DRAMATIC ]

Optimus Prime: Megan — Godspeed on your journey to the kitchen.

[ Andy seats himself next to Optimus. ]

Andy Samberg: So…

[ Optimus turns to Andy. ]

Optimus Prime: [as Bobby Moynihan] Dude, you seriously need to get the fuck out of here!

Andy Samberg: What?

Optimus Prime: [asBobby Moynihan] You gotta go bro — you gotta get outta of here, man!

Andy Samberg: I’m sorry?

[ Megan has two glasses of fruit punch in her hands. ]

Megan Fox: I hope juice is okay for everybody because that’s all I have.

[ MUSIC: DRAMATIC ]

Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Megan, juice sounds like a wise choice. For no one will be thirsty tonight.

Megan Fox: Thanks! I’m so excited to see this movie!

Andy Samberg: Yeah… me too. Hey Megan, can I talk to you for a second?

Megan Fox: Yeah — I’m going to go get the popcorn first.

[ Megan returns to the kitchen. ]

Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Megan — the state of the planet — [as Bobby Moynihan] Seriously dude, I will fuck you up! You need to bounce now!!

Andy Samberg: Are you serious!?

[ Megan re-enters holding two bowls of popcorn and places them on the coffee table. ]

Megan Fox: Popcorn!

Andy Samberg: Megan, can I seriously ask you something near the kitchen?

Megan Fox: Yeah…

[ Megan and Andy go near the kitchen. ]

Andy Samberg: What is the deal with your roommate!?

Megan Fox: What do you mean? Optimus?

Andy Samberg: Yeah. Does he wear the mask all the time?

Megan Fox: He’s Optimus Prime… We met on the “Transformers” set.

[ Megan and Andy glance over at “Optimus” pulling up his mask to munch on the popcorn. ]

Andy Samberg: He’s eating popcorn!

Megan Fox: Andy, he’s my roommate. Don’t be jealous, okay?

Andy Samberg: Okay?

[ Megan and Andy head back but are shocked to see “Optimus” exposing himself on the couch slouched. ]

Megan Fox: Optimus, it happened again — you “transformed”.

Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Oh! I transformed without realizing! I guess I’ll “transform” back!

[ “Optimus” stands up, mimicking bolts ans gears operating with his mouth, pulls up his boxer shorts, and closes his bathrobe.]

Andy Samberg: What!?

[ A man in a “Bumblebee” mask wielding a knife storms in. ]

Bumblebee: Hands in the air! This is a robbery.

Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Bumblebee! What are you doing!?

Bumblebee: Sorry old friend. Now hand over your energon cubes!

Megan Fox: Don’t do it, Optimus!

Andy Samberg: Omigod.

Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Step aside, Megan — I’ll take care of this.

[ Andy throws his arms up in the air and sighs but follows Megan and stepsaside. The two “Autobots” come face to face. ]

Optimus Prime: TRANSFORM!!

[ SFX: AUTOBOTS INTO FULL BATTLE MODE ]

[ The two twirl around one another and contort their bodies in variousways. Megan and Andy stare in amazement. Camera pans back to show theAutobots face to face, dropping the lower half of their clothing to exposetheir penises. ]

[ TITLE CARD: TRANSFORMERS ]

[ MUSIC: “TRANSFORMERS” ANIMATED THEME SONG ]

[ Andy turns to the camera and laughs. ]

[ SUPER: ANDY SAMBERG ]

[ Megan turns to the camera and does a “fist cheer”. ]

[ SUPER: MEGAN FOX ]

[ “Optimus” waves goodbye. ]

[ SUPER: OPTIMUS PRIME ]

[ “Bumblebee” rips of his mask to REVEAL Brian Austin Green. Brian flashesa grin and gives a thumbs up. ]

[ SUPER: BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN AS BUMBLEBEE ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 1

09a: Megan Fox / U2

An SNL Digital Short

Man….Will Forte
Woman….Megan Fox

[Opens with a shot of the city at night. Romantic piano plays. Cut to an elegant balcony/restaurant. A man and an extremely beautiful woman share a romantic dinner together]

Woman: So, you’re having a good time?

Man: [extremely shy] Yeah.

Woman: Wow, you have a really nice smile. You’re teeth are like…perfect.

Man: [shy, almost childlike] I’m gonna tell my dentist you said that. He’s really self-conscious and that’s gonna make him feel really good. You make me feel really good.

Woman: Well, the feeling’s mutual. Because you are making me feel real good right now too.

Man: I’m so glad.

Woman: So how long have you been a Swat Team Commander?

Man: A long time.

Woman: So how did you get outta work?

Man: I didn’t. I’m supposed to be in a drug bust and I bailed on it.

Woman: Oh, my God! Are you gonna get in trouble?

Man: I don’t care. Cause I like you.

Woman: I like you too.

Man: [softly] Yeah.

Woman: So, when you’re not doing Swat things, what other things do you like to do?

Man: I raise lambs.

Woman: You raise lambs?!

Man: I do. I raise lambs. I have a little pasture and I bottle feed them. And once they get to a certain age I, for a lack of a better term, slaughter them. And then sell their meats to restaurants and jerky distributors.

Woman: It must be really hard for you.

Man: [voice cracking, almost crying] It’s really hard. I love my lambs. I love them so much and it’s hard.

Woman: [touched] Sorry.

Man: [disturbingly sad] I have this nightmares. And then I wake up drenched in sweat. And then I got to go into work at Command Swat.

Woman: You are so brave. And I am so grateful that I have known you. And you will never, ever gonna be alone again.

Man: Are you asking me to marry you?

Woman:[loving smile] I think that I am. Yeah.

[Man tenderly touches her cheek]

Man: No f…in’ way.

[Man gets up and leaves the beautiful woman alone at the table]

[screen goes black]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 1

09a: Megan Fox / U2

Megan Fox’s Monologue

…..Megan Fox
Male Audience Member…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Megan Fox!

Megan Fox: Thank you! Thank you, thank you. It is — it is so amazing to be here hosting the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live”, and it is so cool to be here. It feels like I’m in a dream. And, based on the way they dressed me, I guess it’s a 13-year-old boy’s dream.

Some of you may know me from the “Transformers” movies, and — [ applause ] and some of you may know me from TV. But — [ she laughs ] most of you probably know me from naked pictures on the internet. [ the audience whistles ] There are a lot of those out there, which is weird because I don’t remember ever posing nude. But, I mean, I must have because how else could they exist, right? Like this one.

[ reveal obviously fake photo posted in front of a monster truck ]

Megan Fox: This is me at a monster truck rally. I don’t remember going to a monster truck rally, or taking off my clothes — but that’s definitely me. It’s interesting to see nude pictures of yourself because it gives you an honest sense of how you look. Like in this next picture, my head is just way, way too big for my body.

[ reveal fake photo ]

Megan Fox: And other times, way too small.

[ reveal fake photo ]

Megan Fox: And, also, sometimes —

Male Audience Member: Excuse me! Miss Fox?

Megan Fox: Oh, there is a question?

Male Audience Member: Yeah. hi, Megan. I’ve seen a lot of those online pictures because I’m, uh, “interested in computers”. In fact, I’ve seen thousands. And, uh, some of them look like they might be fake.

Megan Fox: No, of course they’re real. They’re on the internet, so —

Male Audience Member: Oh! What a relief! Okay. In that case, would you sign this? It’s kind of my favorite?

Megan Fox: Sure.

[ he brings up another fake photo, blown up to poster-sized ]

Male Audience Member: Here you go. I blew it up to poster size on my home scanner.

Megan Fox: Well, I really don’t remember taking that one.

Male Audience Member: Probably the, uh — the paparazzi, right?

Megan Fox: Right.

[ he laughs heartily, as Fox high-fives him ]

Male Audience Member: [ staring at his hand ] Wow. Thank you.

[ he returns to his seat ]

Megan Fox: It’s the least I could do. Uh — we have a great show. U2 is here. [ cheers and applause ] Here’s a picture of them.

[ reveal fake photo ]

Megan Fox: So stick around, and we will be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 1

09a: Megan Fox / U2

Live Lounge

Crystal…..Megan Fox
Singles…..Nasim Pedrad, Jason Sudeikis, Jenny Slate,
Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott, Fred Armisen,
Emily Spivey, Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig, Will Forte

[ open on sexy girl, Crystal, leaning across lips-shaped couch laughing on the telephone ]

Crystal: Ha ha! That was good flirting! [ she holds the phone down and addresses the camera in a vapid manner ] Hi. I’m Crystal. Despite my name and appearance, we mean for this commercial to take place in 2009. Why go out, when you can join the best party in town — right from your own bedroom. If you like to laugh, flirt, or maybe more: call live lounge. You’ll be connected instatly to thousands of local singles:

[ cut to each weird singles pesonality type ]

* people who like excitement.

* people who like fun.

* people who are waiting to chat with you.

[ return to Crystal on the couch ]

Crystal: But that’s not all. If you call live lounge, you’ll also meet:

[ cut to each weird singles pesonality type ]

* people who are masturbating.

* people with extreme social disorders.

* foreign men who don’t understand how America works.

* groups of laughing teenage boys at sleepovers.

* women who want to be murdered.

* murderers.

* people who have been awake for so long they no longer have boundaries.

* wives who found this number on their husband’s phone bill.

* people who do that belt-choke sex thing.

* and David Duchovny.

[ return to Crystal on the couch ]

Crystal: So call now, and you’ll be connected to ALL these great people. Who knows, maybe you’ll even hear from me.

[ she returns the phone to her ear ]

Announcer: [ quickly ] You will not hear from her!

[ SUPER: “live lounge: 1-800-555-0199” ]

Announcer: [ with text scroll ] “Live Lounge is free for a fraction of a second and then becomes very expensive.”

Announcer: [ with text scroll ] “Live Lounge will be a recurring charge on your credit card. If you try to cancel Live Lounge, we will tell people you use Live Lounge.”

Announcer: [ with quick text scroll ] “Live Lounge is owned by the Russian Mafia.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 1

09a: Megan Fox / U2

Goodnights

…..Megan Fox
…..U2

Megan Fox: Thank you to U2. Um – I want to say thank you to the cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live”. Thank you SO much for letting me do this. And, once again, here’s U2!

[ the camera pans over to the musical guest stage ]

U2: [ singing ]
“Sometimes I feel like I don’t know
Sometimes I feel like checkin’ out
I want to get it wrong
Can’t always be strong
And love it won’t be long.

Oh sugar, don’t you cry
Oh child, wipe the tears from your eyes
You know I need you to be strong
And the day is as dark as the night is long
I feel like trash, you make me feel clean
I’m in the black, but can’t see or be seen
Baby, baby, baby…light my way
(alright now)
Baby, baby, baby…light my way.

You bury your treasure
Where it can’t be found
But your love is like a secret
That’s been passed around
There is a silence that comes to a house
Where no one can sleep
I guess it’s the price of love
I know it’s not cheap.

(oh, come on)
Baby, baby, baby…light my way
(oh, come on)
Baby, baby, baby…light my way….”

SNL Transcripts