[ open on The Lonely Island dudes sitting at a breakfast table ]
[ Andy Samberg pours a bowl of cereal and discovers the prize within ]
Andy Samberg: [ excited ] Whoa! Free boat ride for three! [ he looks at his buddies ] Now… who should I take? Akiva…
Akiva Schaffer: Yes!
Andy Samberg: And… T-Pain!
T-Pain: Cool!
[ imagine Jorma’s disappointment ]
[ cut to Andy, Akiva, and T-Pain performing their video aboard a boat ]
Andy, Akiva, T-Pain: [ singing ] “Aww shit, get your towels ready it’s about to go down (shorty, yeah) Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck (shorty, yeah) But stay on your motherfucking toes We running this, let’s go
I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat) I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat) Everybody look at me ’cause I’m sailing on a boat (sailing on a boat) I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat) I’m on a boat Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat (boat, yeah)
I’m on a boat motherfucker take a look at me Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat You can’t stop me motherfucker cause I’m on a boat
Take a picture, trick (trick) I’m on a boat, bitch (bitch) We drinking Santana champ, Cause it’s so crisp (crisp) I got my swim trunks And my flippie-floppies I’m flipping burgers, you at Kinko’s Straight flipping copies
I’m riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit The dolphin’s splashing, getting everybody all wet But this ain’t Seaworld, this is real as it gets I’m on a boat, motherfucker, don’t you ever forget
I’m on a boat and It’s going fast and I got a nautical themed pashmina afghan I’m the king of the world On a boat like Leo If you’re on the shore, then you’re sure not me-oh
Get the fuck up, this boat is REAL!!!
Fuck land, I’m on a boat, motherfucker (motherfucker) Fuck trees, I climb buoys, motherfucker (motherfucker) I’m on the deck with my boys, motherfucker (yeah) This boat engine make noise, motherfucker
Hey ma, if you could see me now (see me now) Arms spread wide on the starboard bow (starboard bow) Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow (moon somehow) Like Kevin Garnett, anything is possible
Yeah, never thought I’d be on a boat It’s a big blue watery road (yeah) Poseidon Look at me, oh (all hands on deck)
Never thought I’d see the day When a big boat coming my way Believe me when I say I fucked a mermaid
I’m on a boat I’m on a boat Everybody look at me ’cause I’m sailing on a boat (woaah) I’m on a boat I’m on a boat Take a good hard look at the mothafuckin’ boat (sha-sha-shorty, shorty, yeah)!”
Bradley Cooper: Thanks to TV On The Radio! James Lipton! The BEST cast and crew on television! Lorne Michaels! Ray Businsky, get better soon, I love you!!
No Bruce! Let Me Finish! The Best Of Celebrity Tirades
Christian Bale…..Bradley Cooper Stagehand…..Will Forte George Foreman…..Kenan Thompson Joan Cusack…..Abby Elliott Jim Cramer…..Darrell Hammond Nathan Lane…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on Youtube screenshot of “Christian Bale Tirade” ]
Christian Bale V/O: Nooo!! Noooo!! Noooo!! Are you not a professional?! Do I f—in’ walk around and rip your f—in’ lights down in the middle of a scene?! No, Bruce! Let me finish!!
[ dissolve to Christian Bale standing on a film set, nodding away his shame ]
Christian Bale: Ha, ha, ha. Wasn’t that funny? Hi, I’m Christian Bale, and, uh — yes, that was me a few months ago on the set of a movie. I’ve apologized, uh, but it doesn’t seem to matter to the millions of you so entertained by it. But, you know, every celebrity has a few moments on the set, uhhh — [ he glances at his side, as a Stagehand hesitantly appears ]
Stagehand: Sorry about that.
[ he quickly scoots away before Bale’s temper can flare ]
Christian Bale: [ breathing steadily ] Don’t worry. I’ve got it under control, it’s fine, you see. [ he chuckles nervously, then exhales deeply while clenching his hands tightly together ] And to PROVE it to you, that outbursts like mine are perfectly normal, I’ve, uh, compiled this DVD>
[ show DVD case ]
Announcer: “No Bruce! Let Me Finish! The Best of Celebrity Tirades.”
[ cut back to Bale ]
Christian Bale: EVERY celebrity, no matter how beloved, has LOST CONTROL once or twice on the set, uh — even the loveable George Foreman.
[ cut to Foreman, standing before his George Foreman Grill in his kitchen set ]
George Foreman: And the WONDERFUL thing about the Foreman Grill… is it’s SO easy!
[ he leans his hand across the top of the grill, and is promptly burned ]
George Foreman: OWWWW!!!! It wasn’t supposed to be plugged in!! Son of a BEE STING!! Who did this?! My sons George, George, George, and George are gonna have your nuts on a PLATE!!! No, no, no, Bruce!! Let me finish!!
[ cut back to Bale ]
Christian Bale: See? Nnoe of us are perfect. Not even a mild-mannered star like, uh, Joan Cusack.
[ cut to Cusack standing before a suburban kitchen set ]
Joan Cusack: I’m Joan Freakin’ Cusack! What part of that don’t you understand?! [ she points both hands to herself ] I’m… a professional! You-ou-ou… are a boob! [ looks offscreen ] No, Bruce! Let me finish!
[ cut back to Bale ]
Christian Bale: See? It happens to everyone. This DVD has them all Like, um — “Mad Money”‘s Jim Cramer.
[ cut to Cramer standing on his set ]
Jim Cramer: [ with a fluctuating pitch that is more enthusiastic than angry ] Jim Cramer! Other people want to make friends! I just want to make you money! Economy’s going down the tubes. BOTTOM LINE!! Everything’s gonna be fine. We’ll all get through this. No, Bruce… let me finish.
[ cut back to Bale, as the Stagehand cowers in the background behind him ]
Christian Bale: [ outraged ] THAT was the ANGRIEST clip you could GET??!! RE-E-EALLY??!! And — [ turns and notices the cowering Stagehand ] And what’s with THIS guy?!! If he’s still here when I get back, I will BURY YOU!!! I will BU — [ catches himself ] Ahhhhh-ahhhh! Ha ha! [ smiles ] That’s a bit of fun there! [ he chuckles nervously and gives the Stagehand a thumbs-up ]
Stagehand: Sorry.
[ Stagehand shirks away ]
Christian Bale: You see? The thing that people don’t understand is that acting is a craft. To make art… the artist must focus like a laser. Observe the work of Nathan Lane.
[ cut to Lane standing on a stage set ]
Nathan Lane: [ singing ] “Some-thing fa-mil-iar! Some-thing pe-cul-iar! Some-thing for everyone –” NO, BRUCE!!! LET ME FINISH!!!
[ cut back to Bale, holding the DVD ]
Christian Bale: So order now, only for $19.95. All proceeds go to charity — the charity of my legal defense fund. [ he stares at his picture on the DVD case ] Is this the best picture you could find? HUH??!! No, where’s the one from “Newsies”? Hey, real — amateurs! Amateurs!
[ cut to product slide ]
Announcer: “No Bruce! Let Me Finish!” For only $19.95. Buy it today!
Johnny Lawrence….Bradley Cooper Hans Gruber….Andy Samberg Alex Forest….Michaela Watkins Jamie Gumb….Bill Hader John Kreese….Jason Sudeikis
(Opens with rock music. A panel show, host and 3 guests)
Caption: Bad Guys, Good Conversation
(Karate Kid´s bad guy Johnny Lawrence is wearing a black headband and red leather jacket with the Cobra-Kai logo)
Johnny Lawrence: Hey, how´s it goin´? Welcome to Bad Guys, Good Conversation. The show that proves that obscure movie bad guys also have interesting things to say. I´m your host Johnny Lawrence from “Karate Kid”. (photo of the famous beach confrontation with Daniel Larusso) And joining me on the panel today are some of my favorite bad guys. From “Die Hard” criminal mastermind Hans Gruber.
(Photo of Hans holding a gun up to John McLane wife´s head)
Hans Gruber: (sullen smirk, European affected accent) Its a pleasure to be here.
Johnny Lawrence: She´s the crazy lady from “Fatal Attraction”. Please welcome, the lovely Alex Forest.
(poster from “Fatal Attraction” with Michael Douglas)
Alex Forest: Lovely. You´re too kind, Johnny. (lusty flick of the tongue)
(photo of famous basement dance from Silence of the Lambs)
Johnny Lawrence: And from “Silence of the Lambs”, some call him Buffalo Bill, I call him Jamie Gumb.
Jamie Gumb:(deep voice) Its always nice to be out of the house.
Johnny Lawrence: Ok, lets begin…
John Kreese: START THE SHOW!!!
Johnny Lawrence: What?
(Cobra-Kai´s sensei John Kreese is the show´s director, stands next to a camera)
John Kreese: I SAID, START THE SHOW!! DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, MR. LAWRENCE???!!!
Johnny Lawrence: (bows) No sensei!
John Kreese: GOOD!
Johnny Lawrence: Ok, lets get the conversation started. Here´s a question that I think we bad guys get a lot. Why are you bad? Lets start with Hans Gruber.
Alex Forest: Johnny, don´t you think you should start with me?
Johnny Lawrence: No, we´re going in order, Alex.
Alex Forest: (angry) I´m not gonna be ignored, Johnny!
Johnny Lawrence: No one, no one–no one is ignoring you. Jeez…so Hans, why are you bad?
Hans Gruber: Well, my name is Hans Gruber. And….I…sound…like…this. So…my options…were…limited.
Johnny Lawrence: Alex, why are you bad?
Alex Forest: I´m bad for love, Johnny. Do you wanna be bad with me? Please, say yes. (lusty looks, licks and smacks her lips)
Johnny Lawrence: Ok, you need to go way back, Alex. Ok? Jamie, why are you bad?
Jamie Gumb: Ummm, I´m a crazy person? Hahaha…
Johnny Lawrence: And I would say that I don´t consider myself bad. I´m just a prick. Mercy is for the weak.(looks for approval from his sensei, looks like he has it) All right. Ok, moving on. Valentine´s Day is just around the corner. What do you guys look for in your significant others? Hans?
Hans Gruber: The opposite of….McLane. Officer….John McLane.
Johnny Lawrence: Alex?
Alex Forest: I´m looking for a strapping young man, athletic, floppy blond hair, preferably a red jacket…
Johnny Lawrence: Fantastic. Jamie?
Jamie Gumb: If I had to choose, I´m looking for a great, big, fat person.
Alex Forest: (to Jamie) I like you. You´re interesting.
Jamie Gumb: Trust me. I´m the all time wrongest tree to bark up.(giggles)
Alex Forest: Ouch, me likey, me likey.
Johnny Lawrence: Seriously, Alex. Don´t. Oh, this is always an interesting question. Um, what´s the worst thing you´ve ever done? Hans?
Hans Gruber: I failed to kill…John McLane.
Alex Forest: I was unkind to a rabbit.
Jamie Gumb: Worst thing? One time I murdered a woman and cut off her flesh for the purposes of sewing it into a skin suit that I could wear over my own skin instead of getting a sex change operation…hahahaha!
(All the bad guys are stunned)
Johnny Lawrence: Wow, I was going to say that I once cheated in a karate tournament but it seems kind of lame now. Well, that´s all the time we have—
John Kreese: FINISH IT!!!
Johnny Lawrence: I´m trying to finish—
John Kreese: FINISH IT!!!
Johnny Lawrence: Jeez, all right. That´s all the time we have on Bad Guys, Good Conversation. Join me next week when my guests will be Biff form “Back to the Future” and the lady from “Misery”.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
February 7th, 2009 Bradley Cooper Tv On The Radio None James Lipton T-Pain Jorma Taccone Akiva Schaffer
BipartisanshipSummary: Nancy Pelosi (Kristen Wiig) rubs recent events in Harry Reid’s (Fred Armisen) while purporting to make a joint bipartisan statement. Recurring Characters: Nancy Pelosi.
Montage
Bradley Cooper’s MonologueSummary: Bradley Cooper shows clips of himself as a member of the student audience on “Inside the Actor’s Studio”, then demonstrates how to play a bully in cheesy teen-oriented romantic comedies.
TodaySummary: A hyper Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) continues to harrass Hoda Kotb (Michaela Watkins) as they interview a runway fashion expert (Bradley Cooper). Recurring Characters: Kathie Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb.
I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your WifeSummary: Smug game show host (Bradley Cooper) has sex with his contestants’ (Will Forte, Fred Armisen, Bill Hader) wives. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone, and T-Pain rap “I’m On A Boat” while sailing the high seas. Transcript
Song MemoriesSummary: Bar buddies (Jason Sudeikis, Bradley Cooper, Will Forte, Bill Hader) wax nostalgic while listening to Mr. Big’s “To Be With You” at a friend’s funeral. Recurring Characters: Buddies. Transcript
TV On The Radio performs “Golden Age”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Mark Spitz (Andy Samberg) comments on Michael Phelps’ drug controversy. NFL Superbowl star James Harrison (Kenan Thompson) is out of breath. Seth Meyers asks “Really?!?” when Kellogg’s terminates Michael Phelps’ endorsement. (Kenan Thompson). Bjork (Kristen Wiig) rambles about the Icelandic economy. Recurring Characters: Bjork.
Admirals Locker RoomSummary: Eager little boy (Bobby Moynihan) is excited to meet the team members of the Admirals, except for the low man (Bradley Cooper) on the totem pole.
Bad Guys, Good ConversationSummary: Actors who have portrayed villains in motion pictures try to prove that they can make interesting conversation. Transcript
InterventionSummary: While attending an intervention for a young alcoholic (Andy Samberg), his aunt (Kristen Wiig) and uncle (Bradley Cooper) cause distractions with a noisy hand sanitizer pump and other items.
TV On The Radio performs “Dancing Choose”
No Bruce! Let Me Finish! The Best Of Celebrity TiradesSummary: Christian Bale (Bradley Cooper) advertises a DVD compilation of other celebrities lashing out at theatrical underlings. Transcript
…..Steve Martin …..Lorne Michaels …..Andy Samberg Nitro…..Bill Hader Cyber Face…..Kenan Thompson Scientist…..Will Forte
[ INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT ]
[ Lorne’s at his desk. Steve comes in. ]
Steve Martin: Hey Lorne! You busy?
Lorne Michaels: No, no. Come in.
Steve Martin: Great! You know, I get tired of this amateur night stuff. So some film people and I went out and shot a short video we’d like to air. Would that be okay?
Lorne Michaels: Steve… whatever you want.
[ Steve pulls out a tape and heads to Lorne’s VCR. ]
Steve Martin: Great. Lorne, I present to you “Lizard Cats”.
[ Andy and Bill are at the doorway. ]
Bill Hader: [whispering] “Laser Cats!”
Steve Martin: “Laser Cats!”
[ Lorne sighs. Bill gives a thumbs-up and Andy pumps his fist to his chest. ]
[ CUT TO: MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE ON TELEVISON OF “LASER CATS” WITH CATS FLYING AND THE PLANET EARTH. ]
Bill Hader (V/O): In the future, there was a nuclear war. And because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. Some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of…?
[ Andy and Bill are dressed in fitness clothes and are firing their “laser cats”, plush cat dolls, at various areas in Central Park. ]
[ SUPER: LASER CATS! 4EVER ]
[ SUPER: WRITTEN & DIRECTED BY BILL HADER & ANDY SAMBERG ]
[ Andy and Bill continue shooting. ]
[ A black and white publicity photo of Steve Martin appears against a black screen. Angelic music plays. ]
[ SUPER: EXECUTIVE PRODUCER STEVE MARTIN ]
[ EXT. 30 ROCK – DAY ]
[ SUPER: CYBOT-TRON LABS ]
[ INT. 30 ROCK LOBBY ]
[ A SCIENTIST gathers around several of his colleagues. ]
Scientist: Behind these doors gentleman, I give you the future of laser combat. Half laser-cat, half RoboCop. I give you — Cyber Face!
[ An elevator door opens, CYBER FACE is nothing more than a large man wearing tin-foil pants, silver boots, an Oakley visor, and has five plush cat doll heads on each hand to represent a laser cat/machine gun. ]
Scientist: Do not be alarmed. I have him under control.
[ POV: CYBER FACE’S NIGHT VISION. ]
Cyber Face: Error. Error.
[ Cyber Face shoots the scientist with multiple laser rounds. He pauses, then shoots the other scientists. ]
[ SUPER: MEANWHILE ON MARS. ]
[ Andy and Bill are floating in lounge chairs. A beach-at-sunset backdrop is behind them. ]
Andy Samberg: Best vacation ever.
[ Two women in black bathing suits walk by. ]
Nitro: Mars does…
[ Both men lower their sunglasses. ]
Nitro: Have its perks. Say kemosabe, what’s with the necklace?
Andy Samberg: This old thing?
[ A CLOSE-UP on a half-necklace. ]
Andy Samberg (V/O): [speaking fast] My no-good father gave it to me before he left me and my mom.
Andy Samberg: Years ago.
[ A ring tone. ]
Nitro: Y’llo.
[Nitro “types” on his futuristic communicator, a large, weight belt strapped diagonally around his chest, reading NITRO. Various words come across the screen. Nitro grabs each one to form a sentence. ]
Nitro: Cyborg. Gone haywire. Earth in trouble.
Andy Samberg: Sounds like a cat-astrophe.
[ Both “charge” their laser cats. ]
[ INT. 30 ROCK – 17TH FLOOR. ]
[ Andy and Nitro come to a pad locked door. ]
Andy Samberg: It’s locked.
Nitro: Out of the way, partner. Switching to cold mode.
[ Nitro swivels the head of his laser cat counterclockwise. It blasts out cold air. The pad lock falls off. ]
Andy Samberg: Whoa!
Nitro: Now that’s one cool cat!
[ Nitro holds the laser cat to his mouth and blows the barrel. ]
[ INT. WRITERS OFFICE ]
[ A plush cat on top of a Roomba circles the room. Andy and Nitro enter. The cameraman catches his reflection in a mirror at the last minute and moves. ]
Andy Samberg: Cyber Face should be just ahead.
[ Nitro looks at his watch. ]
Nitro: This can’t be right. According to this, Cyber Face is in this room.
[ A writer types at his desk. The camera focuses on the couch. A poor quick edit shows Cyber Face emerging from the couch. ]
Andy Samberg: Whoa! Where did he come from?
Cyber Face: Welcome to the Terror Dome.
[ Cyber Face and the boys engage in a laser duel. ]
[ INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT ]
[ Lorne views the tape glum and insulted. Andy, Bill, and Steve laugh it up. ]
[ BACK TO VIDEO ]
Cyber Face: Playtime is over.
[ Cyber Face fires one shot at Nitro’s knee, then one shot at Andy’s knee. Both are on the floor. ]
Andy Samberg: Looks like we’re done, kemosabe.
[ POV: CYBER FACE’S NIGHT VISION FLASHES “LOVE” AND “KILL” ]
[ A staffer strolls in, realizes he’s in the shot, and exits. ]
Cyber Face: Deactivating. (deeper voice) Son?
Andy Samberg: Dad?
[ A SWAT team barges in. ]
SWAT Commander: There he is! Take him down!
[ The SWAT team fires lasers repeatedly at Cyber Face. Andy extends his hand. ]
Andy Samberg: No-o-o-o-o!!
[ Lasers continue to hit Cyber Face. ]
Andy Samberg: No!! Stop!!! You’re killing him!!
[ Andy cries. Cyber Face collapses to the floor. ]
[ open on Mom playing Garden with her little one ]
Mom V/O: You care about your family… and you care about the Earth.
Mom: But, sometimes, it can seem like we have to make a choice between the two. [ she pulls a container of cloth diapers forward ] Cloth diapers are easy on the planet, but they’re messy and hard to clean. [ she pulls a stack of disposable diapers forward ] Disposable diapers are a snap, but I want to leave a better world for this little one. Now, there’s another way: [ she places product on countertop ] Introducing Chewable Pampers. It’s all the convenience of a disposable diaper in an eco-friendly package!
You see, Chewable Pampers are 100% edible. They’re made from easily digestible vegetable fibers. So clean-up is all-natural… and no hassle.
Chewable Pampers are super-absorbent… AND super-delicious! [ she holds up a flake and pops it in her mouth ] Mmm! The secret is out anti-bacterial flavor crystals. They activate on contact, and, in no time, the full diaper is safe to eat and irresistable. In great flavors like: tangy cheddar, spicy lentil and corn chowder. You can smell when it’s working! [ she holds an open diaper and takes a heavy whiff ] Mmm! Almost ready!
Chewable Pampers are ALL great taste, and no waste.
[ reveal pot pie coming out of oven ]
Mom V/O: Baked into a savory, organic pot pie.
[ reveal a pot of stew on the stove ]
Mom V/O: As part of a flavorful, nutritious stew.
[ reveal Mom pouring contents of garbage can into a salad bowl, as two of her kids run into the kitchen ]
Girl: Mommy, we’re hungry!
Mom: Well, look in the bowl.
Kids: [ excited ] Chewable Pampers!!
[ Dad enters the kitchen ]
Dad: Hi! What’s that smell?
[ sniffing the baby’s bottom ] Oooh! Dinner!
[ cut to product ]
Mom V/O: Chewable Pampers. The favorite of mothers everywhere — even Mother Nature.
[ cut to the family dog jumping onto the counter and swiping a used diaper from the salad bowl ]
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on Presidential Seal ]
Announcer: And now, a Message from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Obama seated behind desk in the Oval Office ]
President Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow citizens. Tonight, I am here to talk to you about the brave state of the American economy. Now, I’m not gonna “sugarcoat” it… I’m not gonna “dumb” it down. I’m gonna tell it like it is. But… before I get to the hard truth…
[ he turns to a side camera for a seductive close-up ]
Remember the night of the Inauguration? That was pretty cool! A lot of great speeches… Aretha Franklin… Yo Yo Ma… Aretha’s hat…
[ he turns back to address the main camera in a serious tone ]
But, now, is not the time to look back. It’s a time to look forward and acknowledge the sacrifices we’re all going to have to make. Buuuuttt… before we do that…
[ he turns to a side camera for a seductive close-up ]
Remember the election night? Grant Park in Chicago. Nice weather. Oprah. The white guy Oprah was crying on. Good times.
[ he turns back to address the main camera in a serious tone ]
But… enough about the past. Let’s talk… about the present.
[ he quickly turns to a side camera for a seductive close-up ]
Remember the convention in Denver? Rocky mountain air? “Yes, we can!” “Yes… we… can.” Even John Kerry was fun.
[ he turns back to address the main camera in a serious tone, but then quickly turns to a side camera for another seductive close-up ]
Remember Iowa?
[ he turns back to address the main camera in a serious tone ]
Okay! The economy. Now, I’m not gonna lie. It is bad times right now. The guy before me left me two wars… a recession… and a Nolan Ryan poster that is super-glued to the bedroom wall. And as, um, tradition dictates… he also left me a note from 44 to 43.
[ Obama holds up an envelope correctly labeled “To: 44 From: 43”, then removes official White House stationary with the phrase “Read Other Side” scribbled on both sides ]
[ dismayed ] He was President. A President wrote that. [ he puts the document down ] Now… I know what you’re thinking: all I used to talk about was HOPE! And CHANGE! Now I’m the Mayor of Bummer City. Well, it’s like this: for two years, we went through what is known as a “courtship” phase of a relationship. I was on my best behavior, and I swept you off your feet. But, now, we’re moving in together… and we’re going to find out things about each other we don’t like. For example, you’re going to find out I’m grumpy in the morning. And I’m finding out that you… are terrible with money.
Joe Biden V/O: Yooo!!! Biden Alert!!
[ Joe Biden enters the scene, grinning like a jackass as Obama winces at his intrusive presence ]
Joe Biden: You look good!
President Barack Obama: Thank you. Uh, Joe, I’m just making an address on the economy.
Joe Biden: Got it!
President Barack Obama: Yeah.
[ Biden doesn’t budge an inch ]
President Barack Obama: It’s a solo address.
Joe Biden: Alright! Okay! Carry on!
[ Biden takes a step back, but remains in frame ]
President Barack Obama: You know, if you don’t mind —
Joe Biden: If I may. Please! [ he leans toward the camera ] Look, I know $819 billion sounds like a lot of money. But it’s just the TIP OF THE ICEBERG!! [ he laughs ] I mean, that money’s gonna get us to APRIL! TOPS!! If you people knew how BAD it’s gonna be!!
President Barack Obama: Great, Joe…
Joe Biden: Okay, okay! I’m out of here, pardner, I hear ya’! “All aboooooard… AM-TRAK!!” [ he laughs, then stops when he sees Obama scowl ] Never again! Never again, no way! I’m flyin’ Air Force Two now — the DEUCE!! [ he laughs, then chug-a-lugs backwards out of frame ] Choo-choo!! Choo-choo-choo!!
President Barack Obama: I couldn’t pick Hillary… I just couldn’t!
To conclude: I’m gonna need $819 billion. As to what kind of oversight there’s gonna, or why we need it so quickly: I can answer that by saying: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Steve Martin: Heres a song I wrote for my new banjo CD. Its called “Late for School”.
[ singing ]
“Woke up this mornin Clock said I was late for school. Teacher told me Thats not cool. Got to put my shirt and pants on. Flew down the front stair, Wet my finger and slicked my hair. Elbowed Grandma passing by Her face went into a pie.
If Im late theres misery; I wont be up on history. Ill be in the English grammar slammer, And Ill get a C. Got a warning last semester, Told my mom and that depressed her. Promised that I wont be late So got to accelerate. Lets go!
Ran out the front door, Moving like a meteor, I sped across the front lawn quickly, Missed the bus, My shoelace tripped me. Rounded the corner, Homework flying as I go. Neighbors shouted Talley-ho! And gave a standing O.
Lept across three lawn flamingos. Waved to Saul, Hes Phillipino! Lept the fence and found That I was headed for the pool. In the air I did look funny, On the air I make some money. Waved my arms and legs like mad To alter where I land. Whoo!
Aimed for the rubber boat; Hit instead the kiddy float. I began to lose control. Im so glad I learned to logroll. Jumped onto the diving board, Bounced off it and headed toward The jungle gym, I swung just right, And caught onto a kite! Whoa!
Hustle high, I see the school, Eight a.m., thats the rule. Flying slowly, time is marking, Down below the dogs are barking. (bark, bark) I feel like Im sailing. But, uh-oh, the wind is failing! Now Im headed downward, Groundward, Onward to the school.
On the football field I crash, Fifty yard line, perfect stash! Grabbed my books, And so begins, My frantic, final dash. Down the hall I ricochet, Trophy cases in my way. The other kids are all in class. I wish that I were they! Whoa!
Almost there!
I see the clock is with delight. Eight a.m., exactly right! I pull the handle with a fight. The door is locked, And thats not right. Theres not a person here today. Is everybody out to play? Now Im thinking, And its sinking, And it is Saturday, oh!
I couldve stayed in bed!
Im out the school gate. Wish that I could aviate, Or possibly evaporate. Ill be home and back in bed soon. My dad is waiting, What he heck were you up to? Lets go fishing. My, oh my! Your grandmas face is in a pie!
This is really something, Im with Dad and fish are jumping. Mom gave me a new alarm To set for Monday morn. Never wanna be late for school. Never wanna be the classroom fool. Ill be in the English grammer slammer, And Ill get a D!
Now my feet are doing dances. Hip-Hooray for second chances! Im not late, And life is great, Its time to celebrate! Whoa!”
Jason Mraz: [ singing ] “Well you done done me and you bet I felt it I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted I fell right through the cracks And now I’m trying to get back Before the cool done run out I’ll be giving it my bestest Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention I reckon it’s again my turn to win some or learn some
I won’t hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait, I’m yours
Well open up your mind and see like me Open up your plans and damn you’re free Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me I like peaceful melodys It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love
So I won’t hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait I’m sure There’s no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I’m yours
I’ve been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer But my breath fogged up the glass And so I drew a new face and laughed I guess what I’m saying is there ain’t no better reason To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons It’s what we aim to do Our name is our virtue
I won’t hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait I’m sure There’s no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I’m yours
Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me Open up your plans and damn you’re free Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me I like one big family (2nd time: I like happy family) It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love
I won’t hesitate no more Oh no more no more no more It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved, I’m sure There’s no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I’m yours
No I won’t hesitate no more, no more This cannot wait I’m sure There’s no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I’m yours, I’m yours.”
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