[ the audience cheers enthusiastically, as Martin shirks it off ]
Steve Martin: No! No! That’s just crazy! I’m DELIGHTED to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the FIFTEENTH time! [ audience whoops ] Wow! You know, as I stand on this stage, all I can think of are the great people who have stood on this exact spot… and I think: Germs.
And there’s a lot of pressure on me, because you’re thinking: “Ohhh, there’s Steve Martin, I wonder what he’s got up his sleeve?” Well… I’ll tell you: hundreds of tiny arm hairs. But, also — and this is such a weird coincidence — I’m here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”… and I have a movie opening next week! [ the audience cheers, as Martin acts dumbfounded ] It’s crazy! I mean, I host the show, I got a movie coming out.
People come up to me all the time, and they say, “Steve! How do you do it?” And I say, “How I make love, is none of your business.”
Yes, it’s me standing out here in front of the camera… but a lot of the credit for tonight’s show goes to the hard-working, underappreciated people who work behind the scenes — or, as we call them in the business: the scene-behinders.
But I think the real reason they keep asking me back after all these years, is that… after these years in show business, I haven’t lost my connection to the people. They look at me and they say, “Wow, he’s just like me.” In fact, you know who was just saying that to me this morning? Tomas, who is in charge of three of my L.A. shoe closets.
And Barack Obama is now our President! [ on cue, the audience cheers ] If you had told me, that even eight years, that one day a competent, educated person would be elected President — you know, WOW! [ the audience cheers louder ]
You know what? I think this is the BEST audience “Saturday Night Live” has ever had! [ easily flattered, the audience cheers wildly ] You know what? I have decided I’m going to put ALL of you… in my next movie. It’s going to be claled “EVeryone Painfully Dies”.
You know, this actually is a very special night for me. It’s funny, because, my grandmother predicted this evening. She said, “Steve, one Saturday night, you will be performing live in front of 500 people… and many of them will be gay and not know it!”
But enough silly comedy jokes! I… hope you enjoy this show tonight — and, by that, I mean go see my new movie, “Pink Panther 2”, opening next Friday! Jason Mraz is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
MacGruber…..Will Forte Vicky…..Kristen Wiig MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
[CUT to MacGruber holding Pepsi cans on both hands against footage of flames.]
Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!… PEPSI!”
[CUT to an Italian mafia hideout. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Italian Mafia Hideout.” CUT to a sign marked “Mafia Hideout Control Room” as sirens wail.]
MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is sealed shut!
Vicky: And we only have 15 seconds!!!
MacGruber: [Wearing a forehead band with the Pepsi globe and holding two Pepsi cans] Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi… Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi… [pointing to Vicky] Pepsi!, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi…
Vicky: I don’t understand what you’re saying!
MacGruber: Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!…
MacGyver: You’re such a sell out!!
MacGruber: [pointing to MacGyver] Pepsi, Pepsi… Pepsi, Pepsi…
MacGyver: Would you stop saying “Pepsi”?!
MacGruber: [now holding two cans of Diet Pepsi] Diet Pep…
[CUT to the italian mafia hideout exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
MacGruber…..Will Forte Vicky…..Kristen Wiig MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: “MacGruber! Making life-saving inventions out of household materials! MacGruber! [CUT to MacGruber drinking a Pepsi can] There’s only one cola he would pour into his mouth hole! MacGruber! Pepsi is that cola!”
[CUT to MacGruber holding a bunch of Pepsi cans against footage of flames.]
Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”
[CUT to a supply ship. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Illegal Supply Ship.” CUT to a sign marked “Supply Ship Control Room” as sirens wail.]
MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is sealed shut!
Vicky: And from the looks of that C4 we’ve only got about… 15 seconds!!!
MacGruber: Okay, just take a chill, [opens a Pepsi can] crack a Pepsi, and refresh everything…
MacGyver: What does that even mean?
MacGruber: It’s Pepsi’s new motto, to me it means relax…
MacGyver: Are you sponsored by Pepsi or something?
MacGruber: Wha-a-at??? Maybe!! [Cut to MacGyver standing desperated on the door] but, who cares? I’m 100% my own man! By the way, my name illegally changed to PepSuber so you guys keep that in mind and addressing…
Vicky: Five seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Vicky?
Vicky: Fine!… PepSuber!
MacGruber: Okay, I better get to work on this baby… after this [gives a sip to his Pepsi can]
[CUT to the supply ship exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
MacGruber…..Will Forte Vicky…..Kristen Wiig MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: “MacGruber! Making life-saving inventions out of household materials! MacGruber! Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations! MacGruber! The guys a freakin genius!”
[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]
Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”
[CUT to an abandoned oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Oil Refinery.” CUT to a sign marked “Oil Refinery Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Vicky: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is welded shut! and from the looks of that dynamite we’ve got about 20 seconds!
MacGruber: Okay, just stay calm, because everything I need to defuse this bomb is inside this room… Vicky, toss me that pen cap!
Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!
MacGruber: New guy! What’s your name again?
MacGyver: [he turns around] MacGyver.
MacGruber: MacGyver? that’s a stupid name… Okay, MacGyver, pass me that tumbtack!
MacGyver: I’d go with the gum wrapper.
MacGruber: Well, MacGyver, you’re not MacGruber.
MacGyver: And I’m glad I’m not!
MacGruber: Good!
MacGyver: Good!
MacGruber: Good!
MacGyver: Good!
MacGruber: Good!… By the way, the 80’s called, they want their hair back.
MacGyver: Your hair is way more 80’s!
MacGruber: W-w-were running out of time!
Vicky: Five seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Vicky, hand me that Pepsi!
Vicky: Here you go!
MacGruber: [opens the Pepsi can] Get PEPSI BREAK!!!!
MacGyver: You just said we’re running out of time!
MacGruber: There’s always time… [shows the can to the camera] for Pep…
[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
…..Steve Martin …..Casey Wilson …..Kristen Wiig …..Abby Elliott …..Michaela Watkins …..Lorne Michaels
[ Casey Wilson taps on Steve Martin’s dresing room door ]
[ Steve opens the door to exit, while looking back and speaking to someone offscreen ]
Steve Martin: You’re wonderful, and you’re fantastic!
Casey Wilson: Oh. I’m sorry. Are you talking to somebody?
Steve Martin: No, there’s a mirror across the room!
[ Steve joins Casey in the hall ]
Casey Wilson: Um — Steve. I just have a question about comedy.
Steve Martin: Oh, Casey, you know I never talk to cast members, unless they’ve been here at least three years.
Casey Wilson: Oh, I understand. It’s just, you know, you’re The Master!
Steve Martin: [ flattered to his satisfaction ] Oh. Well… alright. One question. Go ahead.
Casey Wilson: Um — what is comedy?
Steve Martin: [ he chuckles ] You know, I get that a lot! Comedy = Time + Precision – Hope ÷ puns + wigs.
Casey Wilson: Thank you.
Steve Martin: Now, if you’ll excuse me — I need to go and not talk to you any more.
[ Steve saunters off, as Casey breaks into the opening stanza from “They Long To Be (Close To You)” ]
[ Kristen Wiig enters the hall ]
Kristen Wiig: Casey?
Casey Wilson: [ stops abruptly ] What?! Nothing!!
Kristen Wiig: Oh… my… God! You have a huge crush on Steve!
Casey Wilson: No, I don’t — did he, did he say anything?
[ Steve re-enters ]
Steve Martin: Oh! Hi, Kristen! [ he playfully falls into her breasts with both hands positioned ] Oh, whoops! We-e-ell! Somebody doesn’t qualify for a SAG Award!
[ Steve chuckles, then wanders off, as Kristen breaks into the opening stanza from “Unforgettable”, which soon becomes a duet with Casey ]
[ Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins enter the hall ]
Abby Elliott: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Kristen Wiig: [ stops abruptly ] Nothing!!
Michaela Watkins: [ laughing ] You guys are in love with Steve, aren’t you?
Kristen Wiig: Yes.
Casey Wilson: Very much so.
Kristen Wiig: Yes.
Casey Wilson: He’s just — he’s SO real!
Kristen Wiig: So cool!
[ Steve again saunters past, this time gazing into a newspaper, looking up in time to barely notice Abby and Michaela ]
Steve Martin: Bimbo #1… Bimbo #2!
[ Steve saunters off again, as Abby starts the girls in a chorus of “At Last” ]
[ the camera pans over to find Steve standing with Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Why is it every time you host, the girls are in love with you?
Steve Martin: I don’t know. I don’t get it, either. But, frankly, now that I think about it — I do get it. [ with a sly nod to Lorne ] I’ll take care of this.
[ Steve approaches the girls ]
Steve Martin: Ladies, look — you’re all beautiful and intelligent women, but… I’m married, and I love my wife very much. And that’s why it’s very important… that she doesn’t find out about the orgy we’re about to have. [ the girls nod in understanding ] So, let’s go to Wardrobe, we’ll pick out some costumes!
Girls: Oh, okay!
[ they all turn around and walk down the hall arm in arm, everyone with someone else’s hand on their ass ]
Clarence Jernegan…..Kenan Thompson Sara Stokes…..Casey Wilson Connor French…..Steve Martin
(Opens with Clarence sitting on his TV panel show writing on his clipboard)
Jingle: Everybody got issues, you and me got issues, he and she got issues, issues with Clarence Jernegan…
(Clarence is a black nerd with buck teeth and glasses)
Clarence Jernegan: Hello. Welcome to Issues. I´m your host Clarence Jernegan. This is s show where we help you with your issues. You know, I was 2 credits away from having my degree on social work from Arizona University, so I guess you could say, this is my passion. (chortles) Well, why don´t we get started and bring out our first guest? Please welcome, Sara Stokes.
(Sara is an attractive young woman but with horrible acne all over her face)
Sara Stokes: Thank you for having me, Clarence. I really need your advice on an issue that is tearing me up inside.
Clarence Jernegan: Yeah, I can see that. Well, the first thing I want to ask you is, have you ever tried “Clearasil”?
Sara Stokes: Um, maybe when I was a teenager.
Clarence Jernegan: Ok, how about “Oxy-10”?
Sara Stokes: No.
Clarence Jernegan: Have you ever thought of using “Proactive”? You know, Puff Daddy uses that.
Sara Stokes: Wh–, why are we talking about this? My issue is with my sister.
Clarence Jernegan: (condescending look) Really?
Sara Stokes: Yes, really. I do so much for my sister and she just does nothing for me in return. She wouldn´t even let me borrow a sweater.
Clarence Jernegan: Well, I wouldn´t either. I wouldn´t want you putting my sweater over all that mess up there.(points to her face)
Sara Stokes: Excuse me?
Clarence Jernegan: You know, if I were you I think my issue would be my pimples.
Sara Stokes: Ok, you know what? I´m ok with my skin.
Clarence Jernegan: Well, you shouldn´t be. Ok, you need to think about someone other than yourself for a change.
Sara Stokes: Ok, you are rude. And by the way, you have buck teeth.
Clarence Jernegan: So-o-o?! You know what? Why don´t you take your pimples home and away from my show?(Sara leaves)
Clarence Jernegan: Bye. Umm, what can we glean from this? When you´re looking in the mirror, you´re not just looking at yourself. You are seeing what everyone else has to look at all day. Ok? Lets move on to my next guest. Please welcome, Connor French.
(Connor is a middle-aged man with a mustache, curly hair and a very noticeable pair of saggy breasts. He sits down)
Connor French: Thank you for having in your show, Clarence. I´m at the end of my rope and I really need some support right now.
Clarence Jernegan: (eyes wide open looking at the boobs) Yeah, I can see that. Have you ever tried wearing a man-bra?
Connor French: What?
Clarence Jernegan: Or you can gain a lot of weight so that it all evens itself out.
Connor French: What are you talking about?
Clarence Jernegan: You ever thought about a poncho?
Connor French: I´m here to talk about my fear of water.
Clarence Jernegan: (condescending look) Really? (stares at the boobs, close-up on boobs) Oh, you know, I see. You don´t like taking your shirt off in public.
Connor French: No. I like my physique.
Clarence Jernegan: You do-o-o?!
Connor French: Yes. I´m just scared to go in the water. You know, undertows, sharks?
Clarence Jernegan: Well, what are you scared of? You got 2 built-in flotation devices.
Connor French: What are you talking about?
Clarence Jernegan: Your man boobs!
Connor French: What man boobs?!
Clarence Jernegan: Man, those big old hussy puppies! Last question: Can I squeeze one of them?
Connor French: (upset, gets up) Listen, bucky-bucky, buck tooth! You know you got buck teeth, right?!
Clarence Jernegan: So-o-o?!
Connor French: So, I don´t have to take this! So, I´m leaving!(adjusts his saggy breasts, leaves)
Clarence Jernegan: You know, I am so blessed that Sara and Connor allowed me to help them with their issues. Well, that´s all the time we have. I will see you next week on “Issues”. Provided that I get a ride here. I´m Clarence Jernegan. This has been “Issues”.
Glenn…..Steve Martin Neil…..Will Forte Jean…..Kristen Wiig Waitress…..Abby Elliott Patron #1…..Bill Hader Patron #2…..Kenan Thompson
FADE IN:
EXT. SPORTS BAR NIGHT
INT. SPORTS BAR NIGHT
[ Several patrons are watching Super Bowl XLIII. NEIL, JEAN, and GLENN come in. ]
Neil: Well here we are.
Jean: Its too bad The Lily Pad Café was closed, but Im sure the tea & toast here will be good.
Glenn: This place is on my speed walking route, but I never had the nerve to come in.
Jean: What happened? Did you go to the nerve store?
[ Jean giggles. ]
Neil: Jean good joke.
Glenn: Lets find some chairs. My dogs are barking.
Neil: Glenn!?
Jean: I didnt know you had dogs.
Neil: I hope someones taking care of them.
Glenn: Neil, Jean its a figure of speech. By dogs, I meant feet.
Jean: At my next BBQ, Im gonna serve hamburgers and hot feet.
[ Jean giggles. ]
Neil: Jean more tasty wordplay.
Jean: Well, Ive been reading a lot of Beetle Bailey.
Neil: Well, you can really tell.
[ Neil spots a WAITRESS. ]
Neil: Little girl! Little girl! Could you help us muzzle my friends feet with a seat? Theyre really barking.
Waitress: Youre gonna have a really hard time finding one. The games started.
Glenn: Oh dear! How long does the game last?
Waitress: Like four hours
Jean: Four hours!?
Neil: Heavens to Murgatroyd!
[ Two PATRONS in Pittsburgh Steelers jerseys turn to the three. ]
Patron #1: Shut up! Were trying to watch the Super Bowl.
Glenn: Ah! The Super Bowl! That explains the proud display of all the numbered shirts!
Neil: Ive never seen a Super Bowl.
Jean: I thought I did at one time. But all I saw was one team of beer bottles playing another team of beer bottles.
Glenn: I saw a Super Bowl, but not by choice. I was in the hospital with my neighbors cat, when he literally caught my tongue. And the man next to me wouldnt pass the remote control because he was dead.
Neil: My first Super Bowl. Im on pins and needles.
Jean: I have to call you out on that. It looks like to me youre on a mixture of sawdust and peanut shells.
Neil: Oh Jean! You funky-junky-joker monkey!
Jean: Dont set me up for it if you dont want me to slam it home.
[ Jean giggles. ]
Patron #1: Guys, can you find another place to stand?
Glenn: Oh great! Heres a spot
[ The three of them move to where all the patrons are viewing the high-def TV and stand there. ]
Patron #2: Hey! Youre blocking the TV!
Jean: Excuse me, little girl. Little girl, are you sure there arent three seats?
[ The waitress nods. The two patrons stand up. ]
Patron #1: Hey! Why dont you sit on my face!?
Jean: I guess we only need two seats now.
[ Neil turns to Patron #2. ]
Neil: Excuse me, Sir? Is your face taken?
Patron #2: Yeah it is!
[ Both patrons sit down. ]
Neil: Well let me know if it opens up.
[ Glenn spots an open area near the bar. ]
Glenn: Oh! Look yonder! I see a clearing big enough for the three of us!
[ The three of them move to the bar. ]
Neil: People seem to really like their spot selection. Kudos Glenn!
Glenn: I never saw such support from what I thought was such an unsupportive group!
Jean: Im telling you its Barack Obama… hes changing things.
Glenn: All this moving and talking has made my breath smell like a garbage can at a sushi restaurant.
Jean: I have some mints. I found them in my nephews room.
Neil: The same nephew whos been in jail for selling ecstasy in plastic bags marked Mints?
Jean: Thats the one.
[ Jean pulls out a plastic bag out of her purse marked Mints. ]
Glenn: Well, I better take 20. My mouth tastes like a shoe bottom.
[ Jean gives both Glenn and Neil a handful. ]
Jean: Heres a bunch for you and heres a bunch for you.
Glenn: Oh, thank you.
Neil: Excellent.
Glenn: I must say, these mints are not the most flavorful mints.
Neil: Suck harder, Glenn. The effectiveness is in the center.
Glenn: Im sucking as hard as I can! I better take more.
[ Glenn pops more ecstasy in his mouth. The clock behind them shows an hour elapsing. ]
Jean: And then we fill our bathtubs with baby carrots and lettuce and then the bunnies will come. And then we will take the bunnies, stack them one by one until we get to Bunny Heaven. And then Ill confront Jesus and ask him, Whats your deal?
[ The clock again displays another hour elapsing. ]
Glenn: Well still call it the Super Bowl. But in our version, itll be pants and skins and by skins, I mean potato skins. And it will be decided by four, impartial judges Mary Lou Retton, a pile of my dirty laundry, a cut-out of Mary Lou Retton, and a cut-out of my dirty laundry.
[ The clock displays another hour elapsing. ]
Neil: And then Jean will see the construction of a three-story denim vagina. For which then, a helicopter will lower into Times Square. The helicopter, made of a high quality salami, will be fed to some orphans. The orphans will then be fed to the denim vagina.
[ The waitress approaches. ]
Waitress: Seriously guys were closed!
Neil: Little girl youre rude.
[ The waitress exits in disgust. ]
Jean: Thats America its a problem.
[ Each of them finishes off the last three pills of ecstasy in their hands. ]
Billy “The Gun” Van Goff….Steve Martin Lew Massey….Darrell Hammond Ray “The Monster” Krupp….Bobby Moynihan “Crazy” Pete Damashek….Jason Sudeikis Jack Vernon….Bill Hader Jack Snaad….Will Forte Gabe Silverberg….Andy Samberg
(Opens with old football footage in black and white)
Announcer: Professional football didn´t have the glamour that it has today. In the early days there was little pay and no rules. Today we journey back for another episode of “Forefathers of the game”
Caption: Forefathers of the game
(Extremely old man)
Caption: Lew Massey Head Coach Altoona Quarrymen 1929-1937
Lew Massey: The greatest player with the most meteoric rise I´ve ever coached was Billy “The Gun” Van Goff.
(black and white still of Billy holding a football)
Caption: Ray “The Monster” Krupp Linebacker Allegheny Miners 1931-1939
(old man also)
Ray “The Monster” Krupp: The quarterback we most feared? “The Gun”.
Caption: “Crazy” Pete Damashek Middle Linebacker Allegheny Miners 1929-1933
(old man)
“Crazy” Pete Damashek: “The Gun”. We hated playing “The Gun”.
(Newsreel in black and white with Billy holding a football, laughing. Cut to Billy in the present, very old)
Billy “The Gun” Van Goff: They called me “The Gun” for 2 reasons. One, I had the best arm in the league. And the second reason was I always brought a gun on the field.
(Black and white still of Billy holding a gun)
Lew Massey: I remember the first time I coached “The Gun”, he got tackled and he was so mad.( black and white photo of the young couch yelling) And when he came back to the sidelines I yelled: “Well, what are you going to do about it?” And, I´ll never forget, he said: “I´m gonna get my gun”.
(Black and white photo of a young referee blowing his whistle)
(Cut to the now elderly referee)
Caption: Jack Vernon Head Official Pennsylvania Valley Football Assoc.
Jack Vernon: I was the only one official in the league at the time and there was, with good reason I should add, some uproar about a player brandishing a firearm during a game. But technically, there was no rule against it.
Caption: Jack Snaad Commissioner PVFA
(black and white photo of the commissioner sitting at his desk)
(cut to the elderly commissioner)
Jack Snaad: As commissioner of the league I moved quickly to ban firearms but there was one major loophole.
Billy “The Gun” Van Goff: The rule had a grandfather clause. Anyone who had used a gun in a game was allowed to keep it.
(black and white still of Billy pointing gun to terrorized players)
Ray “The Monster” Krupp: Of course we were upset. He had a great arm and a GUN.
“Crazy” Pete Damashek: We just dropped back and he´d stand there pointing the gun at us. Daring us to rush him. I remember a whole quarter went by with him yelling: “Which one of you sons of bitches wants to eat a bullet?” (Black and white still of Billy holding off a bunch of football players at gunpoint) That´s not football.
Caption: Original Radio Broadcast October 27, 1932
Radio: Goff drops back….here comes the defense….(Bang!) The defense is running away! (Bang!) Throws….touchdown Quarrymen! (Bang! Bang!)
(another still of Billy celebrating, shooting his gun up in the air)
Billy “The Gun” Van Goff: We were undefeated going into our championship game and we would´ve won it all if not for….the incident.
Caption: 1932 PVFA Championship Game
(Black and white newsreel of the game, its snowing)
Lew Massey: In the championship game “Gun” was getting a little cocky. He would openly drink on the sidelines (Billy drinks from a flask) and so it made him more intimidating.
Ray “The Monster” Krupp: We could tell he was drunk. We decided this was our chance. Lets all out blitz him. He can´t shoot all of us.
(still of the whole team after Billy “The Gun”)
“Crazy” Pete Damashek: And we surprised him. He threw it as far as he could (Ray “The Monster” Krupp jumps after Billy “The Gun”) and turned at us, took aim….but he was still holding the football yet.(Billy looks at the football dumbfounded) He´d thrown the gun.
(black and white newsreel of a young football player with football in his hands)
Lew Massey: Gabe Silverstein was our star receiver. (still of Gabe about to make a catch) It was snowing so hard that he didn´t realize he was catching a gun until it was too late. (still of Gabe catching a gun pointed at his head)
Jack Vernon: (emotional) Gabe made 2 catches that day. A touchdown. And a bullet.
Jack Snaad: I had no choice but to kick “Gun” out of the league and thus ending one of the greatest football careers I´ve ever seen.
(newsreel of Billy shooting his gun up in the air. Bang! Bang!)
Steve Martin: We hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to Jason Mraz, Colbie Caillat. My band: Britney Haas, Craig Eastman, Skip Ward, and Michael Daves. We had a great time, thank you very much!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 31st, 2009 Steve Martin Jason Mraz None Michael Daves Craig Eastman Britney Haas Skip Ward Colbie Caillat None
A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) recalls the sweeter moments of Inauguration Day while struggling to discuss the economy and thwart an interruption from Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis). Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joe Biden. Transcript
Montage
Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin jokes about how he is able to stay connected with the average man. Transcript
Chewable PampersSummary: The organic-enriched diaper that is eco-friendly and delicious. Transcript
MacGruberSummary: MacGruber’s (Will Forte) ego clashes with new guy MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson). Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky. Note: This filmed piece aired as an actual commercial for Pepsi in between the program. Transcript
IntrovertsSummary: Introverts Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig), and Glenn (Steve Martin) venture into a sports bar to join in the Super Bowl viewing festivities. Recurring Characters: Neil, Jean. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Using Steve Martin as their pawn, Andy Samberg and Bill Hader force Lorne Michaels to watch their presentation of “Laser Cats 4Ever”. Transcript
IssuesSummary: Clarence Jurnegan (Kenan Thompson) tries to help his guests overcome the outward issues he thinks are bothering them. Transcript
MacGruber IISummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) postpones defusing a bomb to wax poetic about Pepsi and change his name to Pepsuber. Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky. Note: This filmed piece aired as an actual commercial for Pepsi in between the program. Transcript
Madoff InvitesSummary: Confimed to house arrest, Bernard Madoff (Fred Armisen) makes a series of calls to his buddies on the outside. Recurring Characters: Bernard Madoff.
Steve and the LadiesSummary: As with the female cast members through the years before them, Casey wilson, Kristen Wiig, Mikaela Watson, and Abby Elliott cannot hide their fleeting attraction to Steve Martin. Transcript
MacGruber IIISummary: Sellout MacGruber (Will Forte) can only speak the word “Pepsi”. Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky. Note: This filmed piece aired as an actual commercial for Pepsi in between the program. Transcript
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Impeached Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (Jason Sudeikis) lashes out upon his critics. Angelina Jolie (Abby Elliott) appears from out of nowhere, with greedy intentions, after Seth Meyers reads a story about the woman who gave birth to octuplets. Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen) makes crass comments about upstate New York while explaining his selection for Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat replacement. Recurring Characters: Rod Blagojevich, Angelina Jolie, Gov. David Paterson.
Make-Up CounterSummary: As Thomas (Steve Martin) tends to a customer (Casey Wilson), his anoying wife (Kristen Wiig) repeatedly calls his name and reminds him that they are married.
Air Date: