Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 13

08m: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes

Da Learnin’ Train

Carla Da Funkee Conductah…Rosario Dawson
Riznatch…Kenan Thompson
Jesse…Andy Samberg
Dominique…Abby Elliott
Hector…Bobby Moynihan
Harry Connick Jr….Jason Sudeikis
Deejay…Bill Hader
Mailman…Fred Armisen
K…Will Forte

(The sketch opens with the Discover Kids logo.)

Announcer: You’re watching Discovery Kids. Which means you have so many channels, your children are guaranteed to find porn. Up next, it’s “Da Learnin’ Train!”

(The animated opening sequence for Da Learnin’ Train, a hip-hop based children’s show, begins. We see a train driving past beakers and letters.)

Theme singers: All aboard Da Learnin’ Train
Where learnin’ is our favorite games
And the dancing has just begun
On Da Learnin’ Train!

(Cut to the show’s studio, where the hostess, Carla Da Funkee Conductah, enters as a graffiti-covered train enters a graffiti-covered station. She wears overalls with a shoulder strap off and a clock around her neck.)

Carla: (Makes a pulling the whistle gesture) Whoo-whoo! Yo! Welcome to another fresh episode of Da Learnin’ Train, the show that puts the “kay” in education! I’m your hostess cupcake with the mostest rumpshake, Carla Da Funkee Conduktah. And with me, as always, is my sidekick in edumacation crime, Riznatch the Reading Racoon!

(We see Riznatch, a giant racoon holding a book and wearing a mortarboard and graduation gown.)

Riznatch: Yo, I got rabies for learning!

Carla: Now riding with us on the Learnin’ Train today are Jesse, Dominique, and Hector!

(Jesse, Dominic, and Hector, three hip-hop dancing kids with orange track suits, make their entrance to hip-hop music.)

Jesse: Word!

Dominique: Hey hey hey!

Hector: Word!

Carla: Yo! Let’s kick this show off right! Riznatch, tell our new friends about the power of books!

(The Deejay makes a few record scratches, introducing the next song, where Riznatch leads the other in dance.)

Riznatch: With a book you can do most anything,
It has a hundred uses that you hear me sing
You can wear it like a hat, you can swing it like a bat
You can use it as a chair, you can throw it in the airYou can dance on it! You can dance on it!
You can dance on top of a book!

(“DANCE ON TOP OF A BOOK!” appears on screen as Riznatch dances on the book he’s been carrying.)

Carla, Jesse, Dominique, and Hector: Word! Yeah!

(The Deejay makes some record scratches and raises his glasses at the camera.)

Voice-over: Lear-Lear-Lear-Learnin’!

Carla: Nice, Riznatch! I never knew you could do so much with a book! Now, the Learnin’ Train’s just getting out of the station, but before we pick up too much steam, let’s welcome a very special guest, Harry Connick, Jr.!

(Harry Connick, Jr. enters, to many “Yeah!”s from the cast.)

Harry Connick, Jr.: Well hey there, gang! How y’all doin’! You know I’m just thrilled to be here to promote early education, and Mister raccoon, I think you left off one very important use for books, and that’s readin’!

Riznatch: (Laughs nervously) Yeah I guess.

Carla: But we ain’t only about readin’, yo kids, let’s show this guest that we know mad math in the thunderdome! (puts her hands over her head as in ballet) Let’s do the math dance!

(The deejay makes some record scratches, then gestures to the camera as the song “Math Dance” is played, with the cast dancing along. The educational elements of the song are superimposed on the screen along with “MATH DANCE!”.)

Voice-over: Math! Digits!
It’s a math dance!
You take three and six and eight and two
And you put ’em all together and what do you get?
A math dance!
Then you’ve thirty minus four minus ten minus three
And what is left when you take it away?
A math dance!
An M-A-T-H-E Dance!

Cast of Da Learnin’ Train: Yeah!

Riznatch: I got rabies for learnin’!

Harry Connick, Jr.: (nonplussed) Okay now, see, you know I think it might actually be helpful if we actually try to solve those math problems and show kids how to add and subtract. And at the end of the song I think you might have misspelled the word “math.”

Jesse: Yo, yo, I’ll show you some spelling!

(Jesse dances to the music played by the Deejay.)

Riznatch and cast: Go Jesse! Go Jesse! Get your spell on! Get your spell on! Go Jesse! Get spell on! Yeah!

Jesse: Yeah, you just got schooled!

Harry Connick, Jr.: What? No I don’t think anyone here’s getting schooled. I don’t think they’ve even been inside of a school.

(Jesse give a dismissive gesture and walks away from Harry.)

Carla: Yo, this is the number two preschool hip-hop block party show on TV. I think we know what we doin’. (A record scratch and a train whistle is heard.) Oh snap, we got a visitor exquisitor!

Mailman: (disinterested) Yo yo yo, straight up. I got a delivery from Alphabet City, you know how I do. It’s a letter K, yo.

(The Deejay makes a record scratch and raises his glasses at the camera.)

Voice-over: K, K, K, Baby, ba-by!

(A giant letter K makes his entrance and begins dancing and rapping with the cast.)

K: Yo I’m the letter K and I’m here to say
You can make words with me every night and day

Carla: Like which words?

K: Like these words, (the words appear on screen)
Like Kite and Key
And Kouch and Krunk
And Kween and Kat
And Kookies and Kream!

(K dances in a circle as the rest of the cast cheers him on.)

Carla, Riznatch, Jesse, Dominique, and Hector: Go K! Go K! You’re the number! You’re the number! You’re the number!

K: Ooooooh, K!

Cast: Yeah!

(The Deejay wraps up the song and points his index and middle finger together in a gesture.)

Voice-over: Kill-kill-kill-killin’ it!

Carla: (To Harry) A’ight, yo, what you think of the Learnin’ Train now?

Harry Connick, Jr.: Well I think it’s bad. Almost none of those words even start with the letter K.

Riznatch: Oooh, snap! He’s about to set me off!

Carla: Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo, don’t let him set you off, a’ight? Let us spell him off!

(The Deejay makes a record scratch to start the next number and shakes his lips.)

Voice-over: S-s-s-spelling bee, G!

(The cast holds up cards with letters as they call them out.)

Carla: Spell it out now!

Riznatch: L!

Jesse: U!

Dominique: R!

Hector: M!

K: I!

Carla: N!

Riznatch: And yo, what’s that spell?

All six: Learnin’!

(The deejay wraps up the song and turns his head with the record.)

Voice-over: S-s-s-spell dat!

Harry Connick, Jr.: Hey, can any of you read or write?

(The cast is lost for an answer, apparently they can’t. Jesse actually shakes his head no. Harry shrugs and Riznatch stands in front of him.)

Riznatch: (frustrated) I got rabies for learnin’!

Harry Connick, Jr.: Okay, okay, you know what? Look, I’m gonna get you guys a tutor.

Carla: All right.

Harry Connick, Jr.: Yeah.

Carla: I hope he can dance! (Carla and the cast begin dancing.)

Harry Connick, Jr.: No.

Carla: A’ight, we about to take a break so stay learnin’ and stay on the train!

Voice-over: Chug-chug-chug-the-the-the-Learnin’ Train!

(The Learnin’ Train logo comes on screen as the segment fades out.)

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 13

08m: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes

North American Savings

Aladdin…..Jason Sudeikis
Jasmine…..Rosario Dawson

[ headline: “Fear is back on Wall Street” ]

Announcer: A devestating stock market…

[ headline: “More Pain Ahead for Investment Banking” ]

Announcer: Plummeting housing prices, even bank failures…

[ headline: “Wachovia Bank Loses $8.9 B, Cuts 6,350 Workers, Dividend” ]

Announcer: The result of too many finanical institutions taking too many risks.

[ dissolve to homeowner attempting to balance his budget online ]

Announcer: Is there any safe place to put your cash?

[ dissolve to banking personnel meeting with new clients ]

Announcer: Well, at North American Savings, we’ve never lost one cent of our depositors’ money — and we never will. Because, unlike other banks, at North American Savings, we don’t make risky loans. In fact, with our unnecessarily high credit requirements, like 90% cash down on home mortgages, the banking industry’s highest non-refundable loan application fees, and proof that applicants don’t need the money… we make virtualy no loans at all, rejecting 97% of loan applications.

Announcer: So, go ahead… start that business.

[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]

Get that degree.

[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]

Purchase that dream house.

[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]

Buy that car.

[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]

Grab that dream!

[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]

Announcer: Although, we probably own’t be able to help — because we just can’t take the risk.

[ a banker places a “REJECTED” pin to a little girl’s dress ]

Announcer: But so long as you’re not looking for money to borrow, and simply want not to lose the mnoey you have, let us be your partner. When you need it, that money will be here. Safe and secure — every cent of it.

[ a banker leads a client into the bank’s safe: a closet stacked with mattresses. The banker takes the clients roll of bills and stuffs it under one of the mattresses. ]

[ SUPER: “Deposits do not accumulate interest” ]

Announcer: At North American Savings, protecting what you have isn’t just a priority, it’s our only priority.

North American Savings. Not losing customers’ deposits since October 1987.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 13

08m: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes

La Policia Mejicana

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael…..Fred Armisen
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen…..Rosario Dawson
Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe…..Bill Hader
Miguel…..Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a shot of Mexico City. Action theme music plays.)

Announcer: La Policia Mejicana! Con Carlos Ruiz (Carlos poses, big bushy mustache) Isabella Lopez (exotic posing) y Roberto Gonzalez como “El Jefe (tall man with mustache) La Policia Mejicana! (trio poses with the Mexican flag in the background) Tonight´s episode is written by Ms. Larkin´s fourth grade Spanish class. (A photo of Ms.Larkin surrounded in her desk by six 4th graders)

(Interrogation room. Man in red coat sits in front of table. Isabella and Carlos enter the room)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Hola.(Hi)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Hola.(Hi)

Miguel: Hola. (Hi)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Me llamo Rafael. (My name is Rafael)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Y me llamo Carmen. ( And my name is Carmen)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Mas una vez, me llamo Rafael. (One more time, my name is Rafael)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Y me llamo Carmen. Como te llamas? (And my name is Carmen. What is your name?)

Miguel: Me llamo Miguel. (My name is Miguel)

Carlos aka Rafael and Isabella aka Carmen: Hola Miguel. (Hi Miguel)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Miguel, que color es su pelo? (Miguel, what color is your hair?)

Miguel: Mi pelo es marron. (My hair is brown)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Que color son sus ojos? (What color are your eyes?)

Miguel: Mis ojos son verdes. (My eyes are green)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Que color es su abrigo? (What color is your coat?)

Miguel: Mi abrigo es rojo. (My coat is red)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Donde esta la bomba? (Where is the bomb?)

Miguel: No se. (I don´t know)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: No se?! No se?! Donde esta la bomba?!(Don´t know? Don´t know? Where is the bomb?)(grabs Miguel´s arm)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael:(pulls her away) Mira, mira, mira, mira. Espera. Que pasa? (Look, look, look, look. Wait. What´s happening?)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Tu eres el policia bueno. Y yo soy la policia mala. Tu comprendes? (You´re good cop. I´m bad cop. You understand?)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Si, yo comprendo. (Yes, I understand)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Muy bueno. (Very good)

(Detective Rafael sits with Miguel)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Ok, muy bien. Miguel, quieres agua? (Ok, good Miguel. You want water?)

(shot of a jug of water)

Miguel: No.

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Quieres una hamburguesa? (You want a hamburger?)

(shot of a hamburger)

Miguel: No.

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Quieres una piña? (You want a pineapple?)

(shot of a pineapple)

Miguel: No, no. Gracias. (No, no. Thank you)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Miguel, you soy tu amigo. (Miguel, I am your friend) Tu eres mi amigo. (You are my friend) Ella es su amiga.(She is your friend) Nosotros somos amigos. (We are friends) Miguel, donde esta la bomba? (Miguel, where is the bomb?) Esta la bomba en el aeropuerto? (Is it at the airport?) (shows a drawing of an airport) Esta la bomba en el supermercado? (Is the bomb at the supermarket?) (drawing of a supermarket), esta la bomba en la biblioteca?(Is the bomb at the library?)(drawing of a library)(Miguel looks worried) Ah!, la bomba esta en la biblioteca! (Ah!, the bomb is at the library!)

Miguel: Can I go to the bathroom?

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Ah, ah. En español. (Ah, ah. In spanish)

Miguel: Puedo…ir…al baño? (Can I go to the bathroom?)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: No. Esta biblioteca es una biblioteca grande, una bliblioteca mediano o una biblioteca pequeña? (Is this library a big library, a medium library or a small library?)

Miguel: No se. (I don´t know)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Grande o pequeño? (Big or small?)

(Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe comes into the room)

Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe: Silencio! Por favor! (Silence! Please!)

Carlos aka Rafael and Isabella aka Carmen: Hola Jefe. (Hi Boss)

Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe: Carmen, que hora es? (Carmen, what time is it?)

(Isabella looks at the clock on the wall)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Son las dos y cuarto. (Its two fifteen)

Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe: Bueno, gracias. (Good, thanks) (leaves)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Ahora Miguel… (Now Miguel…)

(Miguel is gone from the interrogation room)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Ah, donde esta el criminal? (Ah, where is the criminal?)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: El criminal no esta aqui! (The criminal is not here!)

Carlos aka Rafael and Isabella aka Carmen: Que lastima! (What a shame!)

(Cut to photo of Ms.Larkin´s 4th graders with their fists up in the air)

4th graders: Yay!!!!!!

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 13

08m: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes

Goodnights

…..Rosario Dawson

Rosario Dawson: A big THANK YOU to Fleet Foxes! And thanks to all of you cast and crew for making this such a remarkable experience — it really flew by, and I absolutely had an incredible time! I hope that that translated to you guys. This was a BLAST! A dream come true. Thank you SO MUCH, and have a GREAT rest of your Saturday!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 13

08m: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes

Guantanamo Bay Going Out Of Business Sale

CIA Field Op…..Jason Sudeikis
Cuban Woman…..Rosario Dawson

[ open on footage of Guantanamo Bay ]

Announcer: Guantanamo Bay. Since 2001, we’ve been keeping America safe from its enemies. But on Tuesday, January 20th… we’re GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!!!

[ stamp reads: “Going Out Of Business” ]

[ dissolve to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]

CIA Field Op: Hi! I’m CIA Field Op, David (muffled)! By Executive Order, Gitmo — the world’s largest terrorist detention center — will be closing its hard-wire gate, and that can only mean ONE thing!

[ reveal stamp ]

Announcer: EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!

[ dissolve to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]

CIA Field Op: Hoods! Blindfolds! Shackles! Chains! Dog bowls for people! If it’s used to humanely detain or interrogate prisoners, we’ve got it! And we’re passing the savings onto YOU!!!

[ cut to image of a car battery ]

Announcer: C-c-c-car batteries!!

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]

CIA Field Op: [ chuckling ] That’s right! Car batteries! Jumper cables! Box springs! All slightly used! All for low, low prices! You’re gonna be SHOCKED at the savings!

[ cut to CIA Field Op thrashing in front of electrical bolts and dollar signs ]

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]

CIA Field Op: Polaroid cameras! Polaroid film! You’re not gonna find a better bargain in any other detention camp! Hey! But don’t take it from me! Take it from this Cuban lady!

[ cut to Cuban Lady holding up various items ]

Cuban Lady: Me, I got some jumpsuits… I got two-thousand pair of these shower slippers… I got this painting of this man — [ Donald Rumsfeld ] I don’t know him, but he looks like my Tio Pepe, so I buy it.

[ cut to close-up of Rumsfeld’s mouth, moving ]

Painting: Hola!

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]

CIA Field Op: Why torture yourself with high prices? When it comes to deals, at Guantanamo Bay, we speak your language! Take a look at this: a wooden board! Just $9.99! Jugs of water, just $5.99! German Shephards, only $1 each! But TWO, get the THIRD one free!

[ show three dogs lining up on a slot machine, with “WINNER!” tags over dog barks ]

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]

CIA Field Op: Git’Mo parking!

[ cut to CIA Field Op doubled ]

CIA Field Op: Git’Mo Savings!

[ cut to CIA Field Op tripled ]

CIA Field Op: Git’Mo of EVERYTHING you need!! GITMO!!!

Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] Guantanamo Bay Going Out of Business Sale!

[ reveal map ]

Announcer: Fly to a foreign country, then fly to Cuba. Have an old man in a ’57 Chevy drive you to the base. When the guards ask you your business, say: “OPERATION SAVINGS!”

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]

CIA Field Op: Tell them David (muffled) sent ‘ya!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 13

08m: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes

Gilly

Gilly….Kristen Wiig
Mr. Dillon….Will Forte
Liam….Bobby Moynihan
Sam….Kenan Thompson
Cyndi….Rosario Dawson
Female Teacher….Casey Wilson

(Opens with an outside shot of Bridgewater Academy. Cut to a classroom. Mr. Dillon is the teacher and reads from a book. He has a moustache and glasses)

Mr. Dillon: Ok, uh, class, uh lets pick up where we left off yesterday on page 55. On the last chapter Margaret Doublecracker just landed on Giraffe Island. Now let’s read and see what she finds.

(A milk carton hits the blackboard splashing some milk)

Mr. Dillon: Who did…?, did someone?…who just threw a milk carton at the blackboard? Was it you, Liam?

(Liam is a well-groomed kid with a tie)

Liam: No. I´m a good kid. Just ask my stupid stepdad.

Mr. Dillon: Was it you, Sam?

(Sam is a black kid with 2 casts on each arm. Shows his broken arms)

Sam: Don´t look at me, Mr.Dillon.

Mr. Dillon: Cyndi, did you throw that milk carton at me?

(Cyndi has braces and 2 ponytails)

Cyndi: Of course I didn´t, Mr.Dillon. But you´ll be happy to know that I saw who did it and I´m not afraid to say. It was Gilly.

(Gilly has a goofy smile and big,frizzy hair. Almost like an afro. A big pink ribbon is on the top of her hair)

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

(Nothing from Gilly with her goofy smile)

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y-y?

Gilly: Uh-huh.

Mr. Dillon: Gilly? Did you throw that milk carton?

Gilly: Sorry.

(Gilly gets up and dances with some spastic moves)

Jingle: Her name is Gilly and she did it again, causing lots of ruckus like a barnyard hen, she´s always making trouble, prepare to burst your bubble…knock-knock, who´s there? Its Gilly!

(Gilly poses, her hand under her chin)

Gilly: Sorry.(sits)

Mr. Dillon: Ok, lets go around the room and everyone can read one paragraph. I´ll start. Ok, um, Giraffe Island was an island full of giraffes. Margaret have never felt so sure….

Cyndi: Ow! Ow! Ow!

(Cyndi has 3 pencils stuck in her body. One sticks out of her head, two on the shoulder)

Mr. Dillon: Cyndi? What´s going on?

Cyndi: Mr.Dillon! I was just here reading ahead, noticing typographical errors in the book, when a certain someone who I´m not afraid of, attacked me with a bouquet of pencils!

Mr. Dillon: Was it you , Liam?

Liam: No, Mr.Dillon! I was busy doodling a giraffe eating my stepdad.

Mr. Dillon: Sam, did you do this?

Sam:(holds broken arms up again) I can´t move my arms! So, once again, not possible.

Cyndi: Mr.Dillon!, Mr.Dillon! I know who did it!(points at Gilly)

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

(Nothing from Gilly with the goofy smile)

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y? Did you stab 3 pencils into Cyndi´s body? Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: Sorry.

Mr. Dillon: We´ll have a talk after class, young lady. And Cyndi please remove those pencils. You´re grossing me out.

Cyndi: Yes, Mr.Dillon.(removes pencils)

Mr. Dillon: Ok, lets just move on to your homework assignment. I asked you all to write about your perfect island where you most like to live. Sam?

(Sam gets up and stands next to Mr.Dillon)

Sam: “My perfect island” by Sam Jeffers. The island that I most like to live is called “No Gymnastics Island”. Where you don´t have to take gymnastics when you don´t want to and you break your arms up real bad…(sniffs) what the…?

Mr. Dillon: What´s that burning smell?

(Smoke arises)

Liam: Aaaaaahhhh!!! (Liam´s tie is on fire. Mr. Dillon throws a glass of water on him) Oh, oh thank you, Mr.Dillon! My tie was on fire!

Mr. Dillon: Ok, I can see that. Who set Liam´s tie on fire? Was it you, Liam?

Liam: No, it wasn´t me! I swear! I was getting ready to read my essay “No Stepdad Island”.

Mr. Dillon: Was it you, Sam?

Sam: You´re kidding me, right?

Mr. Dillon: Cyndi, did you set Liam´s tie on fire?

(Cyndi looks over to Gilly with fear on her eyes. Gilly puts her index finger across her neck while looking at Cyndi)

Cyndi: For my own protection, I´m gonna say I have no idea what you´re talking about.

Sam: Hey, I´m on Oxycontin for kids so I´m gonna spill it. It was that one.(points at Gilly)

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: What?

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y-y?

Gilly: Uh-huh.

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: Yes.

Mr. Dillon: Gilly?

Gilly: What?

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: Uh-huh.

Mr. Dillon: Gilly?

Gilly: Yes.

Mr. Dillon: Did you set Liam´s tie on fire?

Gilly: Sorry.

Mr. Dillon: I´ve had enough of you. Come on up to the front of the class.

(Gilly limps while walking up to the class)

Cyndi: Oooh, hey, she´s making fun of my limp!

Mr. Dillon: Gilly?

Gilly: Sorry.

Mr. Dillon: I´m starting to think that maybe you´re the one causing all the trouble around here.

Sam: Yeah, quick thinking, David Caruso.

(Sound of arrow hitting something. A voice is heard on the hall)

Voice from the hall: Owww!

(A female teacher runs into Mr.Dillon´s class)

Female Teacher: Someone just shot an arrow into the principal´s ass! Sorry children, the buttocks.

Mr. Dillon: An arrow? That´s terrible! And we say bum in here.

Female Teacher: I apologize. In the bum´s ass, but I did find this attached to the arrow.

(Its Gilly´s pink bow ribbon. Gilly´s pink bow is missing from her afro)

Mr. Dillon: Gilly, when we weren´t looking for a second, did you shot an arrow into the principal´s ass? oh, umm, I mean buttocks?…oh,um I mean bum?

Gilly: Uh-huh

(The female teacher is terrified of Gilly)

Female Teacher: Oh, hi Gilly. I didn´t know this was your bow. I like it, here, ok. (leaves the class very scared)

Mr. Dillon: Ok, your behavior is entirely….(gunshot BANG!) Gilly-y-y? Did you just shoot me in the foot?

Gilly: Uh-huh. (gives a .38 revolver to Mr.Dillon)

(BANG! another gunshot)

Mr. Dillon: And again in the same foot?

Gilly: Sorry. (gives a .25 automatic pistol to Mr.Dillon)

Jingle: Knock-knock, who´s there? Its Gilly!

(Gilly shoots another automatic gun up in the air. BANG!)

Gilly: Sorry.

(cheers an applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 13

08m: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes

Aladdin Anniversary

Aladdin…..Jason Sudeikis
Jasmine…..Rosario Dawson

(fade in.)

Cut to: Open Night Sky, partly cloudy. Camera Zomms out and we see ALADDIN and JASMINE on the MAGIC CARPET.

Aladdin: Happy 10th anniversary, Jasmine.

Jasmine: Oh, Aladdin, this really takes me back. I can’t remember the last time we took the magic carpet for a spin.

Aladdin: (confused) What’s that supposed to mean?

Jasmine: Nothing, we just haven’t gone out in a while.

Aladdin: Yeah, well, whose fault is that?

Jasmine: (sighs)

Aladdin: I’m sorry, Happy anniversary.

Jasmine: You, too.

Music: “A whole new world”, from the animated motion picture “Aladdin” by the Walt Disney Company.

Aladdin: (sings)”I can hardly believeIt’s been ten years alreadyNow, tell me princessDid you imagine married life like this?”

Jasmine: (sings)”Fighting in front of friendsEating dinner in silenceHas it only been ten years?Cause it feels like eighty-five.”

Both: (sings)
“The spark is goneHow did we let things get so bad?We’d love to call it quitsBut we have kidsSo I guess we’re stuck in this charade.”

Jasmine: (spoken) I remember your carpet rides being a little more exciting. Flips and spins and stuff.

Aladdin: (spoken) Yeah, well, I guess we’re just carrying a little more weight these days!

Jasmine: (surprised, angry) I have three kids! What’s your excuse?

Aladdin: (angrily) Stress! Yeah, okay. Dr. Greenberg said we have to spend one romantic evening together per week. So, why don’t we just, you know, get this over with?

Jasmine: (angrily) Well, I wish you could hear yourself right now!

Aladdin: (angrily) Well, I wish I was dead! Well, guess what? I already used all my wishes!

Jasmine: Yeah, I noticed that you didn’t come home last night!

Aladdin: I was working, okay? I’m the sultan! Some of us on this carpet have jobs!

Jasmine: Oh, please! If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be an illiterate bread thief who hangs out with a monkey all day instead of an illiterate sultan who hangs out with a monkey all day!

Aladdin: (yells) He’s the prime minister!

Jasmine: (angrily) You`re an idiot! (sings) “I could`ve had a career!”

Aladdin: (sings) “Not this again!”

Jasmine: “My teacher said I have promise!”

Aladdin:
“It was the Learning AnnexThey say that to everyone!”

Jasmine: “You’re just mad I won’t show you my poems!”

Aladdin: (spoken) I don’t want to see your stupid poems!

Jasmine: (spoken) Yeah, well, I don’t want to see your stupid genie friend crashing on our futon any more!

Aladdin: Yeah, he’s out of work. Give him a break, okay?

Jasmine: He was supposed to stay two weeks, it’s been ten years. And he never stops making these noises and jokes and these rapid fires and impressions, it’s exhausting!

Aladdin: If you hate the genie so much, then answer me this: How come one of our kids is blue?

Jasmine: (sings)”I slept with the Genie!It was the worst sex of my lifeHe talked the entire timeIn many voicesSome of them were borderline racist.”

Aladdin: Yeah, I know the ones. So, what do you want to do?

Jasmine: (spoken) Well, we can’t get a divorce, not in this economy.

Aladdin: (sighs)

Aladdin: (sings) “I guess we’re stuck…”

Jasmine: (sings) “Until the kids…”

Both: “Go off to…”

(Both sing at the same time)

Jasmine: “Vassar.”

Aladdin: “College.”

Aladdin: (spoken) No, no, no, I’m not going to have a kid go off to Vassar. I also had sex with the genie, by the way.

Jasmine: (spoken) Yeah, I know. He told me.

Aladdin: well, you know…

(fade out.)

Submitted by: Raffi

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 17th, 2009

Rosario Dawson

Fleet Foxes

None

None

None

ABC News Special: Vice President Dick Cheney: The Final InterviewSummary: Diane Sawyer (Kristen Wiig) interview outgoing Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond), who insists that he has no regrets.

Recurring Characters: Diane Sawyer, Dick Cheney.

Montage

Rosario Dawson’s MonologueSummary: Rosario Dawson speaks against Spanish stereotypes while Fericito (Fred Armisen) maintains his posture.

Recurring Characters: Fericito.

North American SavingsSummary: The bank that lets you save your money without the bother of collecting interest in these hard economic times.

Transcript

Da Learnin’ TrainRecurring Characters: Harry Connick Jr.

Transcript

Guantanamo Bay Going Out Of Business SaleSummary: CIA Field Op (Jason Sudeikis) announces that all torture devices and accessories must go, now that the new administration is closing down the detainment camp.

Transcript

Aladdin AnniversarySummary: On their ten-year anniversary, Aladdin (Jason Sudeikis) and Jasmine (Rosario Dawson) sing the frustrations of married life aboard their magic carpet.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Fred Armisen and Andy Samberg are “A Couple of Homies” who manage to remain good friends without kissing.

GillySummary: Frizzy-haired Gilly (Kristen Wiig) performs pranks and misdemeanors in the classroom while dancing to her own theme song.

Transcript

Fleet Foxes perform “Mykonos”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Bernard Madoff (Fred Armisen). Travel correspondent Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig). Larry the Goose (Andy Samberg) tells his side of the Flight 1549 crash-landing story.

Recurring Characters: Judy Grimes.

La Policia MexicanaSummary: Isabella Lopez, Carmen (Rosario Dawson), Carloz Ruiz (Fred Armisen), and El Jefe (Bill Hader) interrogate a suspect (Bobby Moynihan) using basic Spanish 101.

Transcript

The ViewSummary: Salma Hayek (Rosario Dawson) and Ricky Gervais (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Fleet Foxes perform “Blue Ridge Mountains”

Good Excuse!

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 12

08l: Neil Patrick Harris / Taylor Swift

Whopper Virgins

BK Exec….Neil Patrick Harris
Translator….Kristen Wiig
Romanian 1….Fred Armisen
Romanian 2….Michaela Watkins
Romanian 3….Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with shots of rural life in Budesti, Romania)

Caption: Budesti, Romania.

Announcer: What happens if you take Eastern Europeans farmers who have never eaten a burger and ask them to compare a Whopper vs. Big Mac in the world´s purest taste test. This are the Whooper Virgins.

(Rural Romanian farmers are led inside a Burger King headquarters office. A Burger King executive and a translator are in a table with a Romanian man. In front of the Romanian man are two burgers. The Romanian picks up the two burgers up, like he wants to go away with them.)

BK Exec: Sir, put the burgers back on the plate now.

(Romanian talks his native language)

Translator: This food will feed my village for a month.

(Cut to the BK Exec and the translator with a Romanian woman)

BK Exec: So, congratulations on being a Whopper virgin

(Translator translates. Romanian woman answers)

Translator: She´s not a virgin. (Romanian woman explains) It was her uncle.

(Cut to the BK Exec and the translator with another Romanian man. This man is laughing like a maniac and has the burger on his head.)

Romanian 3: Hahahahaha!!!! hahahahaha!!!!

(Cut to the Romanian woman. She can´t pick up the burger, finally she picks it up vertically and eats it that way)

(Cut to the first Romanian. He is pleading with the BK Exec)

Translator: He says he will say whatever you want, just let him bring this food back to his village.

(Cut to the third Romanian dude. He still laughing like a maniac. He is given a large Coke. He cracks up even more and washes a napkin in the Coke)

Romanian 3: Huh? Hahahahahahahaha!!!!hahahahaha!!!!!

(Cut to the Romanian woman afraid of the lettuce and tomato from the burger, slapping the burger away)

(Cut to the first Romanian man. He is crying, sobbing to the BK Exec)

Translator: He says he cannot. His soul is crying for them.

(Cut to Romanian 3)

BK Exec: Now tell him to choose.

(Translator translates to the Romanian. Romanian slaps the burger down like a button.)

Romanian 3: Eeeehh!!! (speaks his language, translator explains to BK Exec)

Translator: American game show.

(Cut to Romanian 1. He explains to the BK Exec in his language)

Translator: I apologize for my behavior. I apologize from my heart. It will never happen again.

(Romanian 1 then takes the burgers and runs out the door)

BK Exec: (gets up) Hey, hey! Pete! Pete!

(Romanian 1 is brought back forcefully, he resists and curses in his language)

Translator: He says you´re the devil. Devil. (Romanian 1 then throws the burgers from the table out the door) He´s telling Yakov to take the burgers. Save yourselves.

(Burger King logo)

Announcer: The Whopper Virgins. Maybe this wasn´t a good idea.

(Cut to Romanian 3 still cracking up like a maniac. Now the translator and the BK Exec both have burgers on their heads)

Romanian 3: Hahahahaha!!!! hahahahahaha!!!!!

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 12

08l: Neil Patrick Harris / Taylor Swift

Neil Patrick Harris’ Monologue

…..Neil Patrick Harris
Guy #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Guy #2…..Bill Hader
Guy #3…..Fred Armisen
Mark Wahlberg…..Andy Samberg

Neil Patrick Harris: Thank you. Wow. Thank you thank you very much. It is…it is just wonderful to be here tonight. This is honestly a dream come true for me. Some of you may know me from the show “How I Met Your Mother”, that I am currently on, but, a little known fact – I almost hosted SNL back in 1990 when I was the star of a different program called “Doogie Howser MD”. Which, by the way, one of the first television shows created on a dare.I remember I was in the running to host, but ultimately, they went in a different direction. They chose Fred Savage from “The Wonder Years”. Thank you for not applauding. I was fine with that. I mean, was I disappointed? Maybe. It’s hard to remember. I mean, it was 18 years, one month and 14 days ago. But hey, that was 1990. A lot has changed since then. We’ve both moved on, there’s no use dwelling in the past, right? Though if you do dwell on it, take it out on the Fred Savage Show, as I was doing earlier today. You’ll notice that even though everyone says it’s so good, it has flaws. I mean, he opened with the church lady, where he played a tiny church lady…who can hit a home run with that? I remember his second sketch ran about five minutes and 35 seconds and he took a third beat and an extra pause, and I turn to my girlfriend back then and I was like “what, is he allergic to timing?” and she was like “why won’t you kiss me?” and I was like “later, I mean, look at this guy”.

But that was a long time ago. And now, finally at long last, it is my turn. Nothing can spoil this moment. We have a great –

Guy #1: Hey, hey Neil, I love you in How I Met Your Mother. Hey, you wanna know how I met your mother? I went to a fireworks factory and asked for their best bang.

Neil Patrick Harris: Okay, well thank you for bringing that energy to the show.

Guy #2: Hey hey hey hey hey. You know how I met your mother? I saw her in line at the welfare office. OH!

Neil Patrick Harris: So wait, you were in line for welfare too?

Guy #2: No!

Neil Patrick Harris: So anyway, we have a –

Guy #3: Hey, Neil, Neil Neil…you know how I met your mother? They had a story on the news, yeah. Elephant escapes from zoo. OH!

Neil Patrick Harris: Wait, wait. You saw her on the news. Then you didn’t actually meet her.

Guy #3: No, ’cause then she goes to a plastic surgeon and he goes “I wanna refund.”

Neil Patrick Harris: The plastic surgeon wanted a refund?

Guy #3: No, ya see he goes….he goes “No refunds”.

Neil Patrick Harris: You didn’t really think that one through, did you?

Guy #3: No I did not.

Neil Patrick Harris: Guys, c’mon…can you not do this now?

Mark Wahlberg: Yeah, cool it guys c’mon.

Neil Patrick Harris: Mark Wahlberg! You know these guys?

Mark Wahlberg: Yeah. They’re my three best friends. They based “Entourage” on us. [points to guy#1] This is Turtle, [points at the other two] and these are the other two.

Neil Patrick Harris: That must be a lot of fun for you guys.

Mark Wahlberg: It is. Anyways, it was good talkin’ to ya Neil. Say hi to the cast of How I Met Your Mother for me, okay?

Neil Patrick Harris:We’ve got a great show for you. Taylor Swift is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: JMan

SNL Transcripts