MacGruber…..Will Forte Casey…..Maya Rudolph Caleb…..Seth Rogen
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! His surgeon cut him off, so he flew to South America! MacGruber! Turns out the medical standards are a lot more relaxed down there! MacGruber! He regrets it with every fiber of his being!
[CUT to MacGruber rubbing the side of his face against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to a monastery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Monastery.” CUT to a sign marked “Deserted Monastery Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Caleb: [struggling with locked door] Dammit, MacGruber! We’re trapped!
Casey: That bunker buster is set to go off in fifteen seconds! What do we do, MacGruber?
MacGruber: [ his face turned away and hidden from view ] Casey.. hand me that screwdriver.
Casey: [ confused and reluctant, but hands MacGruber the screwdriver ] Here you go, MacGruber.
MacGruber: Caleb.. toss me that paperweight.
Caleb: Okay. [ he grabs the paperweight and tosses it to MacGruber ]
MacGruber: Casey.. hand me that mirror.
Casey: Uh — uh, I — I don’t know, Macgruber..
MacGruber: [ angry ] You want me to diffuse this bomb or not?!
Casey: Yeah, but —
MacGruber: The mirror!!
[ Casey hands MacGruber the mirror. Slow-motion as MacGruber grabs the mirror and moves it closer to his face to examine the results of his plastic surgery. The tension builds with tight shots of Casey and Caleb. ]
[ Suddenly, MacGruber turns to face the camera, with a smile on his tightly pulled back face ]
MacGruber: [ smiling ] Not so bad!
[CUT to the monastery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
MacGruber…..Will Forte Casey…..Maya Rudolph Caleb…..Seth Rogen Keylor…..Kristen Wiig
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! He got some microdermabrasion and a tasteful brow lift! MacGruber! Some collagen injections and a butt-load of hair plugs! MacGruber! He’s never felt better about himself!
[CUT to MacGruber rubbing the side of his face against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to a desert tower. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Desert Tower.” CUT to a sign marked “Desert Tower Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Caleb: [struggling with locked door] I’ve tried everything, MacGruber! It won’t budge! I think it’s sauntered shut!
Casey: From the looks of this pipe bomb, if we don’t move fast, pretty soon our bodies are gonna be sauntered shut, too!
MacGruber: Don’t worry — we WILL get out of here! I have a four o’clock appointment at the Miata dealership, and I do NOT plan on breaking that.
Casey: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!
Caleb: What are we gonna do, MacGruber?!
MacGruber: Okay, first — quick introduction. EVeryone, this is Keylor
Keylor: Hi!
MacGruber: I met her at a hookah bar in Marina del Ray — [ whispers ] I’m twenty-five. Just go with it.
Casey: Macgruber! Ten seconds!
MacGruber: [ to Keylor ] Okat, let me, uh, diffuse this bomb here. Check this out. [ to Casey ] Mom! Hand me that bottle cap.
Casey: [ makes a funny face but grabs the bottle cap ] On the way, MacGruber.
MacGruber: [ to Caleb ] Dad! Hand me that band-aid!
Caleb: [ confused, grabs the bad-aid ] Okay.. “son.”
Keylor: [ checking her cell phone] Oh my God! Randy got us tickets to see Dave Matthews in concert!
MacGruber: [ excited ] Oh, that’s tight! That’s so tight! [ to Casey ] Mom? Don’t you think that’s tight! [ Caset stares at MacGruber with her mouth agape ] Dad? Isn’t that tight! [ Caleb stares at MacGruber with his mouth agape ] Come on! You gotta at least think that’s a little tight, huh? No? Oh, well, I guess Keylor and I are that only ones who think that’s —
[CUT to the desert tower exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
MacGruber…..Will Forte Casey…..Maya Rudolph Caleb…..Seth Rogen
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! Making life-saving inventions out of household materials! MacGruber! He’s getting kind of old now, and that makes him uncomfortable! MacGruber! He might go get some work done!
[CUT to MacGruber performing punching pose against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to a series of rolling hills in the desert. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Silver Mine.” CUT to a sign marked “Mine Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Caleb: [struggling with locked door] The mine door’s sealed shut, MacGruber!
Casey: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — once this hydrogen meter reaches Critical, this baby’s gonna blow!
MacGruber: [wearing a bandana over his head] Okay. This is no time to panic. You’re in good hands. I’ve been doing this all my life. For over 44 — excuse me — 37 years — in October — so I’m 36, but I think if you were to ask most people on the street —
Casey: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!
MacGruber: Right! Time me, folks! Casey! Hand me that copper wire!
Casey: You got it, Macgruber!
MacGruber: Caleb! That feather!
Caleb: Gotcha, ‘Grubes!
MacGruber: Casey! That cup!
Casey: Right here!
MacGruber: Okay, great! Now if I can just bypass this detonator, I’ll — I’ll — [ his bandana falls off, revealing a balding head ] Ooh! Ooh! Both of you! Behind you! Look behind you! [ Casey and Caleb look behind them ] Is there a thing I need back there?! [ Casey turns back to look at MacGruber ] Just turn around — turn around! [ she turns back ] Just whatever you see, whatever you find, just — just pick them up and give them to me — [ he quickly tries to tie the bandana back over his balding head ] Okay.. okay..
Casey: I find this caulking putty!
Caleb: Here’s a battery!
MacGruber: Okay, okay! [ still struggling with his bandana ] Uhh — you just hang on to those — I think that I have everything that I need over here, thank you.
Casey: TWO seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay! That’s more than enough time for me to tie this bandana back on, and —
[CUT to the mine exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
[Opens on a elegant apartment. Three couples willshare a drink after dinner. They sit on sofas on theliving room]
Jason: I don’t know how you found time to put this dinner together.
Jerry’s wife: When we get back from vacation we eattake-out for at least a week.
Mom: It was no trouble at all. Besides, we missed you guys.
Dad: Hey, speak for yourself.
[Inane laughter]
Mom: The vacation was wonderful. The twins had such agreat time. Oh, there’s a picture of us.[gives pictureto the first couple] Oh, look at the four of us. Itwas taken on that cruise ship.
Dad: Jeremy and Stacia gotten so big you wouldn’t recognize them anymore.
Mom: Yeah, they’re adorable.
[The couple look at the picture and the pull disturbing faces]
Jerry: Oh!
Maya: Oh!
Jerry: Oh, my.
Maya: They grown.
Jerry: Wow.
[They pass the picture]
Fred: Let’s have a look here.
[Disturbed faces from looking at the picture frame]
Fred: Oh.
Jason: Oh man, they’ve gotten so much bigger. Ahh!!!
Fred: Aaahh!!!
[Jeremy and Stacia stand under the door frame. Theyare horrendous kids. Jeremy is outgrowing his clothes,braces that keep him from shutting his mouth and dark,thick glasses. Stacia has greasy hair, braces thatkeep her too from shutting her mouth all the way shut]
Dad: Hey, kids. We were just talking about you.
Stacia: I know. We’ve been behind the couch.
Jeremy: I was behind the couch too!!
Stacia: I said “We”!! Mother, we need to talk to you.
Jeremy: I need to talk to mother too!
Stacia: I said “We”!!
Fred:[dishonest] They are adorable.
[Stacia tells her mom a secret]
Mom: Of course, sweetheart. Go and get them.
Stacia: We’ll be right back.
Jeremy: I’ll be right back too!
Stacia: I said “We”!!
[They leave]
Mom: They kids have a little surprise for us
Dad: They’ve been taking music classes at school…
Mom: Honey, don’t spoil it.
Dad: Ok, ok.
[Drum set hangs from Stacia’s shoulders. Jeremy has atoy radio with a mic on]
Stacia: Mother would you introduce us, please?
[Mom gets up]
Mom: Ok. Everyone, Jeremy and Stacia would like toperform a little music for you–
Jeremy: Mom, you’re in front of ME!!
Mom: Sorry, angel.[sits]
[Stacia plays a sorry drumbeat. Jeremy butchers AmyWinehouse’s hit “Rehab” into the mic]
Jeremy:[off-key]They say I wanna go to rehab….I saidno, no,no. [Horrified faces from the night’s guests]Told me I have to go to rehab….I said no, no,no.[loving nods from mom and dad]
Jerry:[speechless] That was….that just was.
Mom: Ok, thank you kids. Off to bed
Stacia: We’re not tired.
Jeremy: I’m not either!!
Stacia: I said “We”!!
Dad: Your mother’s right. You’ve got school tomorrow.
Jeremy: Whatever!
Stacia: I hate school!
Mom: Oh, don’t say that.
Jeremy: School is for the birds!
Stacia: It’s for kids!!
[They leave]
Fred: They um… they grow up so fast. Don’t they?
Mom: Tell me about it.
Both couples: Aaahh!!Ooohh!!
[Jeremy and Stacia are back]
Dad: What did your mother and I just told you?
[Stacia tells mom a secret]
Mom: Oh, well all right. They want to show you theirnew toy.
Jeremy and Stacia: This is our new toy.[A Transformerrobot]
Jeremy: I’m gonna show you the toy while she dances.
[Jeremy pushes the buttons and Stacia does spasticmoves, dances like an idiot. The robot sounds “boing,brawng, boing, buzz, baong”. The guests can’t believetheir eyes. Loving glaces from the parents]
Jeremy: This is the off button.[sounds stop]
Mom: That was a present from their grandma.
Dad: It’s time for bed for you two and we mean it.
Jeremy: Ok, good night.[Drops Transformer robot to thefloor]
Stacia: Good night.
[They leave again]
Dad: Ok, sorry everyone. Sorry. Adult time now.
Fred: All right.
Jason:[bottle of wine on his hands] Let me crack thiswine open–Aahh!!
[They appear again]
Mom: What did your father just tell you?
Stacia: It’s quick! [Tells mom in secret]
Mom: Aww, ok,ok. The kids have recorded themselvestalking upstairs for 20 minutes and they just want toplay it back for you.
Dad: Oh.
[Jeremy pushes play on an old cassette recorder. Thetape plays.
Stacia: Hello.
Jeremy: Hello.
Stacia: We’re gonna re-enact a scene from HarryPotter.
Jeremy: I play Harry.
Stacia: I’m going to play Harmonie and the professorMagarlord.
Jeremy: Ok.
Dad: Kids, this is–
Jeremy and Stacia: BE QUIET!!!
Jeremy: Listen!! God!!
[tape plays]
Jeremy: Its pretty bad. I’ve got pimples…on myteeth.
Stacia: Why are you making up stuff?
Jeremy: I’m sorry.
Stacia: I wrote a script.
Jeremy: Ok, let me see it.
[Jerry crawls to a window]
Mom: Jerry, Jerry…we’re on a 15th floor.
Jerry: I’m well aware of that.[jumps to his death]
Seth Rogen: Thanks to Spoon! And Chevy Chase! This has been an honor — one of the best weeks of my life! This is a good group of people I’m working with — this has been amazing! Thank you, guys! Good night!
Blaine Savage…..Jason Sudeikis Jake Hawkins…..Bill Hader Todd Deaton…..Seth Rogen Christopher Spanks…..Will Forte Sharon Osbourne…..Amy Poehler Gene Simmons…..Fred Armisen Gerard…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: We now return you live to the Palms Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada to the 2007 National Douchebag Championships. Sponsored by Maxim magazine, Axe body spray, Cigar Aficionado magazine, and SoBe No Fear energy drink. Now, heres your host, Blaine Savage!
Blaine Savage: Thank you. Welcome back, Im Blaine Savage. We are now down to three finalists. Only one will win 2007s Douchebag of the Year and walk away with the commemorative Jared Leto trophy, not to mention a guest spot on the television show Entourage. Lets review our contestants.
[cut to Jake Hawkins, wearing a button-up shirt and slicked-back hair] From New Jersey, a nightclub manager who loves a good joke, Jake Hawkins.
[pans to Todd Deaton, wearing a Big Johnson t-shirt and sideways hat] From Pennsylvania, a student who says he hopes to one day compete in Olympic muff-diving, Todd Deaton the Deetch.
[pans to Christopher Spanks, sporting spiky highlighted hair and one pierced ear] And from California, a street juggler and activist, Christopher Spanks.
Blaine Savage: Gentlemen, youve just completed the talent portion of our competition. Now its time to hear what our panel of celebrity judges has to say. First up is Jake.
Jake Hawkins: Haha, whats up? [holds out fist for Blaine to pound]
Blaine Savage: No, Im not doing that. Now, Jake, for your talent, you recited the lyrics to California Girls…
Jake Hawkins: Thats right.
Blaine Savage: …while doing impressions of Borat, Austin Powers, and Jim Carrey from Ace Ventura.
Jake Hawkins: Hehehe, yeahyeahyeah. Its nice! Do I make you horny, baby? Alllrighty then!
Blaine Savage: Uh, thats great, thats great, yeah. Alright, lets take a look at the judges scores.
[judges hold up signs reading 8.0, 8.5, and 7.5]
Blaine Savage: Wow, impressive! Very nice. Lets start with some comments with Sharon Osbourne.
Sharon Osbourne: [title reads Sharon Osbourne, Professional Reality Show Judge] Jake, theres no question you belong in this competition. Look at you. You are an enormous douchebag! But I have not seen you take it to the next level. You are such a douche show us why!
Blaine Savage: Okay, okay, some tough love there, some tough love. Gene Simmons?
Gene Simmons: [title reads Gene Simmons, First Douchebag of Rock & Roll] Jake [removes sunglasses], you got the tools, but youre not showing off your main tool. Be the animal that is man. Women want to smell it. [stares into the camera]
Blaine Savage: [puzzled look] Okay, Im not… sure about that. Lets go to the reigning Douchebag of the Year, Gerard.
Gerard: [title reads Gerard, 2006 Douchebag of the Year] Huh? Oh, sorry, I wasnt paying attention cause I was straight-up jammin on this PZone. No, biggie, fries. Anyways, I thought you were hilarious… dot-com!
Blaine Savage: [laughs] Thats why hes the champ, folks. Thats why hes the champ. Alright, next up is Todd Deaton the Deetch.
Todd Deaton: Sup, playas. [holds out fist for Blaine to pound]
Blaine Savage: No, no, Im not gonna do that, Im not gonna do that. Alright. Now Deetch, for your talent, you hit on a woman in the audience while showing her a picture on your cellphone of your testicles.
Todd Deaton: Hilarious. I asked her if she wanted to meet the twins. [smiles, then stops abruptly]
Blaine Savage: Good lord, good lord, alright. Lets go to the judges.
[judges hold up signs reading 9.0, 8.5, and 9.0]
Blaine Savage: Wow! Look at that, Deetch! Youre in the lead. Alright, lets go to Sharon Osbourne.
Sharon Osbourne: Todd, you have all the fundamentals. You have been brought up on date-rape charges seven times, but you were never convicted. You wear shower shoes everywhere, and you call everyone brosephus. You are an absolute classic douchebag. Bravo!
Gene Simmons: Todd [removes sunglasses], be the man that you are. Ive left my smelly sweat on hotel sheets all over the world. And you know what? The ladies beg for more. [stares and smiles creepily into the camera]
Blaine Savage: [puzzled look] Alright, thats one to grow on. Lets head over to Gerard.
Gerard: Huh? Whats up? Oh, sorry. I was just putting one stray braid in my hair using Native American beads that I got at Hot Topic in the Bob Marley section. But for realsies, dude, youre the jazz! Just keep on doin the Bartman. [laughs sheepishly]
Blaine Savage: [laughs] Thats great feedback, great feedback. Uh, Todd, any thoughts?
Todd Deaton: Yeah, just one. What happens in Vegas stays in my pants! Oh snap!
Blaine Savage: [laughs] What a tool! Alright. Thats gonna be tough to beat. Alright. Lets hear what you can do, Christopher Spanks! Alright. Okay, so Christopher, for your talent, you played Ultimate Frisbee while riding on a Segway while singing the music of Jamiroquai.
Christopher Spanks: [sings] Beep-bop, beep-bop, mmm, virtual insanitayy.
Blaine Savage: Shut up, will ya? Just cool it. Alright, lets see what the judges said.
[judges hold up signs reading 10.0, 9.5, and 9.5]
Blaine Savage: Yes, its the highest yet! Terrific! Sharon, what do ya got?
Sharon Osbourne: Chris, youve demonstrated extreme douche-erty [pauses]. Douchebags of the world, bow down! Youve found your new king!
Gene Simmons: Chris, tonight [removes sunglasses] youre half tiger, half gorilla, and half horse penis. Own it. [stares and smiles creepily into the camera]
Blaine Savage: Oh, Obi-Schwanz-Kenobi, that guy. Thats unbelievable. Alright, Gerard?
Gerard: [holding a white ferret] Whats up? Oh, sorry. I was just squeezing out some fresh gorp for my main man, Ferret Bueller. [laughs] But on the cereal tip, I gotta have my Pops. [smiles]
Blaine Savage: Okay, Im gonna assume that… thats positive, I guess. A commanding lead for Christopher Spanks, but its not over yet!
Announcer: More to come on the National Douchebag Championships. Plus, a performance by Counting Crows Adam Duritz, and Daughtry.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 33: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 6th, 2007 Seth Rogen Spoon None Chevy Chase A Message from Kevin FederlineSummary: Having been granted full custodies of the two kids he had with Britney Spears, Kevin Federline (Andy Samberg) shares his parenting tips. Recurring Characters: Kevin Federline.
MontageNote: A cartoon by Robert Smigel is announced during the opening credits but does not air in the live broadcast.
Seth Rogen’ MonologueSummary: Seth Rogen reads the monologue he wrote when he anticipated hosting “Saturday Night Live” during his youth. Bio: Seth Rogan (1982-); Actor/comedian/writer; TV roles in “Freaks and Geeks”, 1999-2000, and “Undeclared”, 2001-02; recent film projects include “Knocked Up” (2007) and “Superbad” (2007). Recurring Characters: Steven Seagal.
Veritas Ultrasound HDSummary: The high-tech ultrasound that features picture-in-picture technology that will bring tears to a new dad’s eyes. Note: This ad parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal. Transcript
2007 National Douchebag ChampionshipsSummary: Sharon Osbourne (Amy Poehler) and Gene Simmons (Fred Armisen) are judges at the annual competitition designed to bring out the worst character traits in its participants. Recurring Characters: Sharon Osbourne. Transcript
MacGruber ISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from diffusing the bomb when his receding hairline is revealed. Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Casey. Transcript
Jeremy & StaciaSummary: Parents (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) are oblivious to to how annoying their friends find their oversized kids Jeremy (Seth Rogen) and Stacia (Kristen Wiig). Transcript
MacGruber IISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from diffusing the bomb when his receding hairline is revealed. Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Casey. Transcript
A Message from Fred ThompsonSummary: Actor/politician Fred Thompson (Darrell Hammond) announces his bid for office even though he doesn’t seem to care about being elected one way or the other. Recurring Characters: Sam Waterston.
MacGruber IIISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from diffusing the bomb when his receding hairline is revealed. Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Casey. Transcript
Spoon performs “The Underdog”Bio: Indie rock band from Austin, Texas; performing since 1994; members are: Britt Daniel, Jim Eno, Rob Pope, Eric Harvey.
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” following Larry Craig’s weak excuses. Lou Dobbs (Darrell Hammond) rants against Canadians like Seth Rogen. Mets Manager Willie Randolph (Kenan Thompson) and Assistant Manager Omar Minaya (Fred Thompson) don’t have much to say about the Mets’ faltering performance. Senior Politica Correspondent Chevy Chase quips about the candidates seeking the White House bid in 2008. Recurring Characters: Lou Dobbs. Transcript
America’s First ColonistsSummary: After discovering a harvest crop of marijuana, the settlers of colonial Stonetown put thoughts of protecting themselves during the harsh winter on the back burner.
Rowlf & The Swedish ChefSummary: Muppets Rowlf (Seth Rogen), The Swedish Chef (Andy Samberg), Janice (Maya Rudolph), Zoot (Fred Armisen), and Animal (Bill Hader) perform a song.
Spoon performs “You Got Your Cherry Bomb”
Mad Joe DixonSummary: Mad Joe Dixon (Seth Rogen) and Delilah (Maya Rudolph) share a joy for tasteless personal pleasures. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Notre Dame Football on NBCNote: This ad parody will finally air on the episode hosted by Jon Bon Jovi.
NBC InvestigatesSummary: An investifative reporter (Seth Rogan) doesn’t do as good a job as his colleague (Amy Poehler).
Australian TravelersSummary: Australians (Seth Rogen, Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) pack their suitcases before going to New Zealand.
TV FunhouseSummary: In a presentation by Rob Smigel, the topic of air safety is covered in a variety of languages.
HideawaySummary: While hot-tubbing, a man (Seth Rogan) woos a woman (Maya Rudolph) with tales of his hideaway in White Plains.
Colorado RookiesSummary: A Colorado Rookies fan (Andy Samberg) performs a crazy dance every time his favorite team scores.
Maybelline For Men OnlySummary: There’s no need to question the authenticity of the product, because it says it’s “For Men Only” right there on the box. Note: This ad parody will air on the episode hosted by Brian Williams.
History’s Greatest StoriesSummary: Neil Armstrong lands on the moon.
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.
During a meeting of the UN General Assembly on Tuesday, first lady Laura Bush walked past Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but refused to make eye contact with him. Though, in her defense, she thought he was a waiter.
A coffee shop has opened in the heart of Chinas forbidden city, replacing a controversial Starbucks that was forced out by public protest. Still, no word on the status of the forbidden city, Circuit City.
Seth Meyers: During a speech at Columbia University Monday, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. As proof, he pointed out that the Iranian version of the Village People are just some people who live in a village.
On Thursday, President Bush held his own talks with the worlds biggest greenhouse gas emitters in hopes with coming up with aspirational goals in hopes to curb global warming. However, the talks were unexpectedly interrupted when the earth died.
Amy Poehler: Earlier this month, O.J. Simpson was arrested on six felony counts in connection with the reported armed robbery of some of his sports memorabilia from a Las Vegas hotel room. Here to comment; really? Oh, no. O.J. Simpson.
O.J. Simpson: Whats up? Seth? Amy?
Amy Poehler: Hello, OJ. So, what exactly went down in that hotel room?
O.J. Simpson: Amy, it was a huge misunderstanding. I just went in there to get my stuff. Stuff that was once mine, that I then sold to a guy, and then I came back to get it back. Thats O.J.s right.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, but OJ, I heard the audiotape, and it sounds like you were very threatening to those gentlemen.
O.J. Simpson: Youre missing the point, Amy. Wouldnt you be upset if you sold off some of your things, and when you decided to take those things back, many years after the transaction had taken place, they wouldnt part with it willingly?
Amy Poehler: Uhh, yes?
O.J. Simpson: Yes, okay. And wouldnt you be thoroughly disappointed in the police department for seeking you for the arrest of those same items?
Amy Poehler: Im not sure I even understand that question.
O.J. Simpson: (cross-eyed) Errrrgh! How can I simplify this for you? Lets say that this lead pencil is mine. I then sell it to you, and five years go by, and then Im in a casino, and it occurs to me that I need that pencil back. Right this minute. So, me and four of my friends kick down your hotel room door to get my pencil back because its mine. What remains unclear?
Amy Poehler: Seth, do you understand this logic?
Seth Meyers: No.
O.J. Simpson: Okay, let me put it to you this way. What happens in Vegas, you must acquit.
Amy Poehler: What, I
O.J. Simpson: If the glove dont fit, stays in Vegas.
Amy Poehler: I think youre mixing up your quotes there, OJ.
O.J. Simpson: (assertively) Oh, am I?
Amy Poehler: O.J. Simpson, everybody.
Seth Meyers: Marcel Marceau, the world famous French mime, died this week at the age of 84. It turns out that the invisible rope he was pulling was attached to a very real tiger.
Amy Poehler: A man in Boston proposed to his girlfriend by having the phrase will you marry me placed in the Sunday crossword of the Boston globe. This, only six months after he divorced his first wife via word jumble. (Unscrambles Its over, bitch) _ _ _ IST _ _ _ _ OVRE _ _ _ _ _ BTCIH
Dog owners in Wisconsin can now pay $275 dollars to do their various dances with their dogs, like the cha-cha, twist, and rumba. Or, they can pay no dollars, and skip the camp all together.
Seth Meyers: Last week, during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call that he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, That was my wife, reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-11. (pauses). It was Giuliani.
Animal rights activists are campaigning to get a 26-year old chimpanzee legally declared a person. The one remaining obstacle: Its not.
Amy Poehler: Earlier this week, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in New York, where he addressed the United Nations, as well as an audience of students at Columbia University. Though, he answered questions on subjects ranging from Irans support for terrorism to the Holocaust. It was his comments on women and homosexuals that drew the most attention. Here to comment is Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (he comes out). Um, Mr. President, in your country, women are denied many basic human rights, and the government has imposed draconian punishments, including execution on citizens who are homosexuals. Why are you doing this thing?
(Mahmoud speaks a foreign language)
Translator: (translating what Ahmadinejad says) First of all, the things you said are not factual and make no sense. And we dont have homosexuals. That is an American hobby, phenomenon, or hobby. This is in Iran, we love and respect women, more than any other two sexes. When I see a beautiful Iranian woman, the type is to be most attractive, tall, but strong and sharp features. Broad powerful shoulders; a muscular, crippled midsection; narrow hips; tight, almost masculine buttocks; attractive, penis-shaped genitals; or even an actual functioning penis; a prominent Adams apple; the type of woman I am drawn to. Oh, and its also nice if they have a moustache. When I see a woman like this, I give thanks to Allah for the wonder of his creation. Woman. And I say to myself, why would anyone even want to be a homosexual? No, this doesnt happen in my country. No, that is only an American activity or pastime.
Amy Poehler: For more of President Ahmadenijads views on women or homosexuality, read his views in this months Inches Magazine. Thank you so much.
Seth Meyers: This Saturday, the Nickelodeon Cable Network will have three hours of dead air at noon in part of its 4th annual Worldwide Day of Play, which encourages kids to go outside for three hours a year.
Amy Poehler: Nike has created the new Air Native N7, a sneaker designed especially for the wider feet of Native Americans. So, are we cool now?
New research shows that all types of alcohol add equally to the risk of developing breast cancer in women. Though daiquiris will make you feel the most stupidest about it.
Seth Meyers: Police in Staten Island are searching for a ninja burglar, who has robbed 16 homes wearing a ski mask. Not to be confused with the Ski Mask Burglar who has robbed eight homes dressed like a ninja.
George Rieveschl, known for inventing Benadryl, died in Cincinnati at the age of 91. The family ask that you send anything but flowers. (small laugh gets louder as Seth points to audience slowly).
Amy Poehler: Spanish fashion chain Zara has withdrawn a handbag after a customer in Britain complained was embroidered with swastikas. On the bright side, the handbag has been invited to speak at Columbia University.
A woman in Russia gave birth to a 17-pound baby, who was her 12th child. The woman is recovering well, though her vagina has gone into hiding.
[ open on Andy Samberg playing piano in the park ]
Andy Samberg: “They say true love comes only once in a lifetime And even though we’re from opposite ends of the earth My heart tells me you’re the one for me Mahmoud.
I remember when it started, saw you on the news You were hating gays, I was eating food But I was feeling you, and even though I disagree with almost everything you said You ain’t wrong to me, so strong to me, you belong to me Like a very hairy Jake Gyllenhaal to me Mahmoud, make my heart beat right out of my chest My mind says no but my body says yes Nuclear threat? The only threat I see is the threat of you not coming home with me Our love for each other’s like when atoms collide Can’t express how I feel Ay yo Adam let’s ride.”
Adam Levine: “And Iran Iran so far away is your home But in my heart you’ll stay.”
Andy Samberg: “He ran for the president of Iran We ran together to a tropical island My man, Mahmoud is known for wildin’ Smilin’, if he can still do it then I can They call you weasel, they say your methods are medieval You can play the Jews, I can be your Jim Caviezel S&M, nestlin’ when we’re wrestlin’ You can be the port that I park my vessel in So I try to mute the TV but you can still see me With your sleepy brown eyes, butter pecan thighs And your hairy butt Yeah.”
Adam Levine: “And Iran, Iran so far away Come home and in my arms you’ll stay Used to look at the stars and dream Around the world the same stars we’re seeing And a twinkle in your eyes Mahmoud.”
Andy Samberg: “Talk smooth to me, without a tie Your pants high waisted, damn so fly We can take a trip to the animal zoo And laugh at all the funny things that animals do Like Eugene, you got me straight trippin’ boo Hope you look in my eyes and say I’m trippin’ too You say Iran don’t have the bomb but they already do You should know by now, it’s you It’s you.”
Adam Levine: “And Iran Iran so far away is your home But in my heart you’ll stay.”
Andy Samberg: “You crazy for this one, Mahmoud You can deny the Holocaust all you want But you can’t deny that there’s something between us I know you say there’s no gays in Iran But you’re in New York now baby It’s time to stop hiding and start living One.”
Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader …..LeBron James Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on a sound studio as LeBron James walks in and greets the director ]
Mike: Hey, hey, LeBron! I’m the director — Mike Underballs. [ they shake hands ]
LeBron James: Hey, Mr. Underballs. I’m a HUGE fan.
Mike: [ pleased ] Oh, that’s great. Call me Mike. Yuo ready to do this?
LeBron James: Yeah, let’s go.
Mike: Okay, let’s do a take. NBA, Read to Achieve PSA — take one!
[ Mike takes his seat while LeBron stands in front of the basketball net. The camera zooms back and the set lights go on. ]
Mike: And… action!
[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]
LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.
[ he turns to catch an incoming basketball, thrown a little higher than necessary ]
LeBron James: And give it your best shot. [ he jumps up and dunks the baskbetball into the net ]
[ buzzer sounds ]
Mike: Okay. Okay, we were, uh — you were a ltitle high on that pass/
[ Jeff enters the set ]
Jeff: Yeah! That was my bad, Mike – -the ball slipped!
Mike: Come on, Jeff. You know I expect the nbest out of my crew. Let’s get it right this time.
LeBron James: [ to Jeff ] Oh, hey, man, don’t worry about it. Just, uh — hit me right here. [ pats his upper chest ] Right in the chest.
Jeff: [ gives LeBron a curious look ] Yeah, I know how to throw a basketball. Thanks, though. [ takes the basketball from LeBron and frowns in Mike’s direction before exiting the set ]
Mike: Okay. Alright, NBA, Read to Achieve, take two. And… action!
[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]
LeBron James: Take time —
[ the basketball is thrown at LeBron with a vengenace, smacking him in the arm ]
LeBron James: Hey! [ runs to grab the basketball ] Hey, man, that’s a little early!
Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Jeff! You gotta wait for that cue, buddy.
[ Jeff re-enters the set ]
Jeff: Yeah, sorry about that, Mike. Uh — my mind must be elsewhere, you know? I just bought a new sweater —
Mike: Jeff! I get it! just focus up on this one, alright?
Jeff: Yeah, I hear you, Mike! I guess I thought an NBA player would be a little quicker — that’s all, you know?
LeBron James: I wasn’t even looking!
Jeff: Yeah, whatever excuse works for you, man.
LeBron James: That’s not an excuse —
Jeff: [ with an attitude ] Hey, look, dude — I played high school ball. Point guard!
Mike: Jeff, wrap it up!
Jeff: [ one last lick ] I led the team in an assist!
Mike: Jeff!!
Jeff: [ grabs the basketball ] Hey, Im’ with you, Mike — let’s shoot this puppy! [ exits the set ]
Mike: Okay. NBA, Read to Achieve, take three. And… action!
[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]
LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.
[ the basketball flies in and bounces off LeBron’s head ]
LeBron James: Hey!! What’s your problem, man?!!
Mike: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Jeff! [ throws his arms up in disgust ] I-I-I-I told you to wait for that cue, man!
[ Jeff re-enters the set ]
Jeff: Hey! He’s supposed to be a professional athlete, Mike! The guy gets paid a million bucks to catch a ball!
LeBron James: You threw it at my damn head, man!
Jeff: Hey, Bron-Bron! Look — the adults are talking here, okay? You’re 22, right? Go sit at the kid’s table and have a juice box!
Mike: Jeeeeeefffff!! This is a PSA for literacy, not an NBA tryout!
Jeff: Hey, I’m with you, Mike! I’m not the one hot-dogging it here!
Mike: Alright, let’s just — let’s just try it again. Alright? NBA, Read to Achieve, take five. And… action!
[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]
LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.
[ a book is tossed into LeBron’s hands ]
LeBron James: What the hell is this?!
Jeff’s VOice: That’s a BOOK!!
Mike: Okay.. okay.. Why did you throw him a book, Jeff?
Jeff: Hey! It’s about literacy, Mike — I’m just trying to mix it up! I got good ideas, TOO, Mike!!
Mike: No one’s arguing wih you, Jeff! You’ve had good ideas for years.. but we need this as written, okay?
LeBron James: Hey, if we’re not gonna do this, I’m gonna get out of here, okay?
Jeff: Hey, it sounds good to me! We should get Dwayne Wayne, anyway! At least he’s got a ring!
LeBron James: [ to Mike ] Yo, man! Yuo either FIRE this guy, or I’m gonna kick his ASS!
Jeff: [ chuckles ] Alright, that’s it, hotshot! Check ball! [ hands the basketball to LeBron and walks to one side ]
LeBron James: You serious?
Jeff: Yeah! Damn right, I’m serious! Let’s go — you and me, one on one!
LeBron James: Mike?
Mike: LeBron.. check the ball. I really want to see this.
[ LeBron checks the ball to Jeff ]
Jeff: Alright. Don’t give me this — I’m a leftie from Kansas. Alright, here we go! [ starts dribbling the ball ] I’m gonna back you down! Now you’re in MY house, little man! Here we go! [ jumps up for a dunk, but LeBron blocks it ] Okay, good D! Good D! [ he backs off ]
Mike: Beat him up, Jeff! Beat him up!
[ LeBron throws the bal lto Jeff, who tosses it right back ]
Jeff: Alright, here you go. Stick it. Stick it.
[ LeBron fakes throwing the ball into the basket, and Jeff falls for it ]
Jeff: Okay, nice move. What do you got? What do you got? where’s it at?
[ LeBron dribbles the ball, then sideswipes Jeff with his shoulder and knocks him to the ground, then makes the slam-dunk ]
LeBron James: [ faces the camera ] Give it your best shot!
Mike: Yeah! Yeah! We got it! [ jumps up and hugs LeBron ] Jeff, you alright?
Jeff: [ jumps up, his nose is bloody ] I’m fine, Mike! Win by two — let’s go! [ grabs the ball from LeBron ] Check it out! Check it out!
Air Date:
