Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 16
Goodnights
…..Cameron Diaz
Cameron Diaz: Thanks to Green Day, Jimmy Fallon, Drew Barrymore, and Justin Timberlake! And, also, my sister just got engaged!
Justin Timberlake: Yaaaaaayyyy!!
Month: October 2018
SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 04/09/05: The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 16
The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon
Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake
Nancy Pelosi…..Cameron Diaz
Anne Coulter…..Drew Barrymore
Gov. Bill Richardson…..Horatio Sanz
[Opens with SUPER of The Barry Gibb Talk Show with Robin and Barry dancing on the set, backs to the audience.]
Announcer: Its the Barry Gibb Talk Show!
Barry & Robin Gibb: [turn and sing falsetto to the tune of Nights on Broadway] Heeeere we are .
Announcer: Tonight, Barrys guests are
Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing] in a room full of straaaaangers
Announcer: Minority leader, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi [SUPER of the real Nancy Pelosi]
Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing] discussin politics
Announcer: Governor of New Mexico, Bill Richardson. [SUPER of the real Gov. Bill Richardson]
Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing] and the issues of the daaaa-aaaay
Announcer: Conservative columnist and author of How to Talk to a Liberal
Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] Well I want to taaaaaalk to you
Announcer: Anne Coulter. [SUPER of the real Anne Coulter]
Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] though you may not want me to
Announcer: And as always
Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] Im still gonna taaaaalk to you
Announcer: Barrys brother Robin.
Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] I dont care what you saaaay
[Gibbs begin dancing as disco ball descends]
Talkin it up
On the Barry Gibb Talk Show
Talkin bout issues
Talkin bout real important issues
Talkin it up
On the Barry Gibb Talk Show
Checkin out politics
In this crazy, crazy to-own oh yeah!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host, Barry Gibb!
Barry Gibb: [speaks staccato throughout the sketch] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Its my show, and its a no-nonsense show. I’m not gonna take any crap from anybody! [A beat] The President continues to push his Social Security plan despite overwhelming opposition. Robin, do you have any opinion on Social Securitah?
Robin Gibb: No… No I dont.
Barry Gibb: Nancy Pelosi you have been [goes up an octave] one of the most outspoken opponents of President Bushs plan. Why-y?
Nancy Pelosi: Because America cannot afford Presidents Bush gambling our future on the stock market. Its almost as if hes trying to turn the entire country into Republicans!
Barry Gibb: Huh, thats an interesting point.
Nancy Pelosi: Thank you Barry, I think its important.
Barry Gibb: [becoming agitated] Wait, what did you just call me?
Nancy Pelosi: Barry!
Barry Gibb: [infuriated] YOU WILL NOT CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME!! IT IS MR. GIBB TO YOU! YOU WILL SHOW ME SOME RESPECT BECAUSE I HAVE EARNED IT!! I HAVE 13 GOLD RECORDS [up an octave] AND NONE OF THEM WENT PLATINUM! [a beat] Robin do you have anything to add?
[pause]
Robin Gibb: No no I dont
Barry Gibb: No you dont huh?
Robin Gibb: Mm-mmm.
Barry Gibb: Anne Coulter. Youve accused Liberals of hating America. [Up an octave] You said that women shouldnt be allowed to vote. You must have some strong opinions on Social Securitaah.
[Huge applause for Barrymore]
Anne Coulter: Thank you for having me. Thank you. In response to your question, Mr. Gibb, thats exactly the kind of vicious Liberal slander that the left wing media
Barry Gibb: [interrupting] Ah, ah, ah be-before you go any further can I just ask a question? What is wrong with your face? You look like a rubber glove stretched over a skeleton!
Anne Coulter: [aghast] Oh! Typical liberal bias!
Barry Gibb: [infuriated] DONT YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! DO I LOOK LIKE BILL MAHER TO YOU?? I am from the streets of Queensland, Australia!! I once gave a kangaroo a [up and octave] heart attack just by staring at it! Robin was there!!
[pause]
Barry Gibb: Do you remember that? Robin? Do you remember that happenin?
Robin Gibb: No No I dont.
Barry Gibb: No you dont Lets sing the next guest’s name.
Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing] Governor Bill Richardsooon. Richardson of New Mexico!
Barry Gibb: Yeah!
Robin Gibb: Yeah!
Barry Gibb: Yeah!
Robin Gibb: [Up an octave] Yeah!
Gov. Bill Richardson: Thats a- Thats really great. First, uh, Barry, let me say that my wife and I are big fans and, uh, every time you guys come to New Mexico, we are there. I mean, we really get into it.
Barry Gibb: Oh every time were there thats so wonderful [Escalating rage] Considering we havent been to New Mexico in 12 FRIGGINYEARS!! DONT YOU PATRONISE ME! I AM BARRY GIBB! [does karate kick and nearly loses his balance] I WILL TAKE OUT MY BOOIE KNIFE AND GUT YOU LIKE A FI-I-I-AH-HE-ISH!
Barry & Robin Gibb: [Harmonising] ILL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! ILL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH YEAH! ILL PUT YOU IN THE GROUND!! YEAH, ME AND MY BROTHER GONNA PUT YOU IN THE GROUND YEAH!
Robin Gibb: Yeah!
Barry Gibb: Yeah!
Robin Gibb: [Up an octave] Yeah!
Barry & Robin Gibb: Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!
Barry Gibb: Well thats all the time we have. We have been
Barry & Robin Gibb: [begin singing theme song and dancing as disco ball descends]
Talkin it up
On the Barry Gibb Talk Show
Talkin bout chest hair!
Talkin bout crazy cool medallions!
Talkin it up
On the Barry Gibb Talk Show!
[Robin kicks over chair]
Talkin bout ha-na-ha
Ha-ha-ha oh yeah!
[Barry, Robin and guests all dance. The Barry Gibb Talk Show SUPER appears]
[fade]
Submitted by: Johanna Hunt
SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 04/09/05
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 16
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
April 9th, 2005
Cameron Diaz
Green Day
None
Phil Hyms
Jimmy Fallon
Justin Timberlake
Drew Barrymore Papal Debate ’05Summary: Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond) moderates a dull debate of sleeping Cardinals vying to be Pope John Paul II’s successor. The debate comes alive only with the help of obscene hand gestures from Cardinal Dejakamo (Fred Armisen) and the usual antics of the Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson).
Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, Al Sharpton.
Note: Technical gaffes abound, as none of superimposed name tags match the Cardinal being represented on the screen.
Cameron Diaz’s MonologueSummary: Cameron Diaz tries to prove that she was an ugly duckling in high school, but her horrid photo can’t compete with those of Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph and Tina Fey.
First Hosted: 98a.
Transcript
Extreme Makeover: Home EditionSummary: Shirtless Ty (Seth Meyers) and the gang perform an extreme makeover in a home where the matriarch (Cameron Diaz) is dying of a disease so debilitating that her excited husband (Chris Parnell) won’t even reveal it to her.
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s spoof of Hanna-Barbera cartoons has Michael Jackson in trouble again, so his lawyers and acquaintances perform damage control by dressing him in special glasses that make any woman look like Emannuel Lewis during his early “Webster” days.
The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Barry (Jimmy Fallon) and Robin Gibb (Justi Timberlake) discuss more political issues with Nancy Pelosi (Cameron Diaz), Ann Coulter (Drew Barrymore), and Gov. Bill Richardson (Horatio Sanz).
Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Ann Coulter.
Note: Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore make a guest appearance following the release of their film “Fever Pitch”. Justin Timberlake appears because he’s dating Cameron Diaz.
Transcript
The Holland Tunnel HotelSummary: The new manager (Chris Parnell) of a one-star hotel desperately wants to impress the Hotel Review Commissioner (Darrell Hammond), so he calls his staff (Horatio Sanz, Cameron Diaz, Finesse Mitchell, Fred Armisen) together for a meeting, only to find they’re all moonlighting as prostitutes at the hotel.
Transcript
Green Day performs “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”First Performed: 94g.
Lyrics
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Via satellite, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler interview newlyweds Prince Charles (Seth Meyers) and Camilla Parker-Bowles (Fred Armisen), who require a London Tower guard (Rob Riggle) to keep them from making out in public. In a Weekend Update Dramatic Play, former anchor Jimmy Fallon shows up to cash in on visitation rights for the young child he has with Tina, and attempts awkward banter with his successor, Amy.
Recurring Characters: Prince Charles, Camilla Parker Bowles.
Transcript
Woo! The MusicalSummary: The new Broadway musical captures the magic and splendor that is Spring Break.
Note: More technical gaffes, as the pixellation effect comes on late and clearly reveals that Cameron Diaz is wearing a flesh-colored bra.
Transcript
The SofabedSummary: After purchasing a new sofabed for her sixth floor apartment, a trendy woman (Cameron Diaz) must contend with two lazy movers (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell) at the furniture store.
Green Day performs “Holiday”Lyrics
Spy GlassSummary: Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler) dish the dirt on Charles and Camilla, “Desperate Hotwives” and other hot topics of the moment.
Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Gene Shalit.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Living WillSummary: A woman (Cameron Diaz) films her living will, but her husband (Will Forte) is more interested in watching a different show on television.
Ballroom DancingSummary: A ballroom dance instructor (Maya Rudolph) teaches strange moves to her class.
The FalconerSummary: While arguing about whose fate is rougher, a lightning bolt causes the Falconer (Will Forte) and Donald to switch bodies.
Recurring Characters: The Falconer, Donald.
Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Tom Brady.
Bachelorette PartySummary: During her bachelorette party, a bride-to-be (Cameron Diaz) is hit on by a gadfly (Seth Meyers) at the bar.
Bear CitySummary: A bear embarks on a shopping quest.
Bill Kurtis SingsSummary: Bill Kurtis (Darrell Hammond) hits the studio to record an album dedicated to songs about gruesome murders.
SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 15
04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani
Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Henry Payne…..Kenan Thompson
Manager…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Chris Parnell
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, its Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Hello Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey and here are tonights top stories. In celebrity sports news, OJ Simpson got a new golfing buddy this week. (Shows a split screen picture of OJ and Robert Blake)
After his acquittal, a relieved Robert Blake made a brief statement and happily took questions from the press.
(Cuts to a video interview of Robert Blake)
Reporter: Who do you honestly believe killed your wife?
Robert Blake: (Long Pause) Shut up!
(Back to the Studio)
Tina Fey: Fair enough
Amy Poehler: Hes free but hes still mad.
(Continues to cut back and forth between Tina and Amy and the taped interview answers of Robert Blake)
Robert Blake: Im broke I need a job!
Tina and Amy: How broke are you?
Robert Blake: Right now I couldnt buy sprats for a hummingbird.
Tina and Amy: What does that mean?
Robert Blake: Shut up!
Tina and Amy: Hey Robert Blake, now that youve been acquitted, what are you gonna do?
Robert Blake: You get in a motor home or a van or something like that, and you just let the air blow in your hair, and you wind up in some little bar in Arizona someplace and you shoot one-handed 9-Ball with some 90-year-old Portuguese woman who beats the hell out of ya.
Amy Poehler: March Madness everybody, can you feel it?
The Congressional Comity on Steroid Abuse this Thursday heard the testimony of six major league players including: See No Evil (Shows picture of a baseball player), Hear No Evil (Shows a picture of Mark McGuire), and Speak No English (Shows picture of a baseball player).
Italy announced Tuesday that it would begin pulling its 3,000 troops out of Iraq later this year. Im guessing theyre going to do it by having their mothers yell out the window: (in an Italian accent) Anthony, dinners ready!
Tina Fey: If youve ever been scammed, cheated, or ripped off, youre going to love this new Weekend Update segment called Help Me Henry. Please welcome Weekend Update Consumer Advocate, Henry Payne.
Henry Payne: Hello. Hello Tina Fey, Amy Fey. I recently received a disturbing letter from a Ms. Beverly Walter who purchased a defective flat screen TV from K&M Electronics on Delancy Street. FOLKS, these Mom and Pop Stores arent what they used to be. Not to be stereotypical, but mom and pop have turned into Faruk and Wang-Ho. See a lot of this merchandise is either defective or damaged. Now, I went down to K&M Electronics to help Ms. Walter out. Lets take a look at what happened.
(Cut to video at the store. Henry is about to approach the manager. He has a baseball bat with him as well)
Henry Payne: Now this guys been giving Beverly Walter a hard time. (Taps manager on back with baseball bat) SIR, you have been selling defective TVs!
Manager: (In a Hispanic Accent) You are not to touch me with basketball bat! No! Who are you?
Henry Payne: Im Henry Payne, Consumer Advocate.
(Manager heads towards Henry to make him leave)
Manager: (BEEP) (BEEP) you! You go! Out of my store now! This way!
Henry Payne: WHAT! Whach you say!! We gonna get him on this, get the camera down!
(Henry goes on to violent beat the store manager many times until static interrupts the beating. When it resumes, the manager is duct taped to a chair and basly hurt and Henry crouching next to him.)
Henry Payne: Okay, uh, that was kinda tough, but as you can see Henry Payne is not to be played with.
Manager: In my country, I am dentist.
Henry Payne: SHUT UP! (Smacks him hard on the face) Im Henry Payne saying, Dont make me come after you!
(Cut back to the studio)
Tina Fey: Wow! Henry, did you have to do that? Couldnt you have just called the Better Business Bureau or something?
Henry Payne: Uh, Tina, who needs the Better Business Bureau when youve got the Better Bat Bureau (Pulls out his baseball bat from under the desk) You know what Im saying, you get what Im saying?
Tina Fey: Yeah, okay so did you get that lady a refund?
Henry Payne: Hell yeah, I got her a whole lot of other stuff too. (Proceeds to pull stuff out and put it on top of the desk) Heres a surge protector, and I got her a nice police scanner right here, and some blank videocassettes.
Amy Poehler Oh! Yeah! Ill take those! (Grabs the videocassettes)
Tina Fey: Yeah, okay, well take that stuff but thats enough! Henry Payne everybody.
Amy Poehler: In an interview with 60 Minutes, George Lucas described the upcoming Star Wars movie as Titanic in Space, and a Tear Jerker, and Not so Good!
Tina Fey: Ashley Smith, the amazing Georgia woman taken hostage by courthouse shooter Brian Nichols said that Nichols agreed to turn himself in after she read him passages from The Purpose Driven Life: A Blueprint for Christian Living. Thankfully he didnt break into my house where he would have been read passages from The South Beach Diet and Penthouse Forum. That was a close one!
Donald Trump has approached the Miss America Organization about buying the famous pageant or at least a few of the contestants.
Amy Poehler: A bowling ball manufacturer has increased sales by putting cherry, peach, and other popular scents into its bowling balls. Though for purists, they still do offer the traditional bowling scent Fat Guy hands.
Los Angeles prosecutors are contemplating whether to bring criminal charges against Paula Abdul for her alleged role in a hit and run incident last December. As it stands, the judge informed Abdul that: (Amy starts into her Paula Abdul impression) I think you look great and you started out driving really well but then when you swiped the car, it was a little, not your best. But still, I like you, and I like your style. Nice job.
Tina Fey: According to a new study, Mormons teenagers fare better than regular teenagers when it comes to staying out of trouble and doing well in school. Although you would too if you had eight moms yelling at you.
Amy Poehler: According to a new survey, 67 percent of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. Theyre called stoners!
Tina Fey: A New York man is selling mp3 players that come preloaded with a complete audio recording of the Talmud, the 2,000-page book of Jewish law. They are available in two sizes, the Oy Pod and the Bnai Pod mini.
Edeka, a German supermarket chain will soon allow customers to pay by placing their finger on a scanner at the check out. An electric shock will then violently shake the appropriate amount of money free.
Amy Poehler: And now, here with a very special report is our own Chris Parnell.
Chris Parnell: Hello. Thanks Amy. Well, when I heard that Ashton Kutcher was going to be hosting the show this week, I was pretty excited. Hes a funny guy, a talented actor, and a pleasure to work with, but to be honest, I was even more excited that it probably meant Id be meeting his special lady friend, Ms. Demi Moore. You see, I was a teenager in the 80s, and Demi played a big part in my development. So Demiii lemmeee, dedicate this to you.
LISTEN UP, G.I. JANE!!
(Chris begins to sing)
“Demi, what you give me is not a semi, I dont lies.
When I look at you my meal becomes a biggie super size.
Girl you drive me crazy, and don’t you mack with Swayze
He covered you in clay, Id cover you in DNA.
Got a St. Elmo burning in my pants.
Im much more age appropriate so just gives me a chance.
Now do not get me wrong, I like Ashton a lot.
If I went both ways I’d have to say that he is hot.
Hes a fine young man, if I went that way.
I would make him rise again for the Easter holiday.
Ashton, what a beautiful boy.
If I was bisexual, your mouth I would enjoy.
Ashton, I dont roll that way, but if I did
Id surely eat at your buffet.
Ashton, youre so meow-meow fine,
That if I liked the boys, Id be up on your behind.
Ashton, dont misunderstand,
If I was AC/DC I would try to touch your gland.”
(Stops singing)
Let me reiterate, I am a heterosexual man, and Im extremely attracted to Demi Moore, as I have been for 20 years. I am in no way sexually attracted to Ashton Kutcher .BUT IF I WAS
(Beings singing again)
“Id meet him at his house, and down a couple brews,
Shoot some pool and some hoops, then play some Halo 2.
Wed change into our tank tops, while lying for an hour.
Wed get all hot and sweaty and retire to the shower.
Wed lather up each other and then wed dance around.
Wed make each other giggle till we both fell down.
Wed wash each others hair, and dry each other off.
For a joke, Id grab his testicles and ask for him to cough.
At night wed share our secrets, all our hopes and dreams.
Then wed moisturize our skin with the finest salves and creams.
Wed burn a scented candle, and have a pillow fight.
Then take off our pajamas, and cuddle through the night.”
(Chris walks over in-between Tina and Amy and they both stand up and start dancing)
“Ashton…”
Tina and Amy: “What a Beautiful Boy…”
Chris Parnell:
“If I was bisexual, your mouth I would enjoy.
Ashton…”
Tina and Amy: “He dont roll that way…”
Chris Parnell:
“But if I did, Id surely eat at your buffet.
Ashton…”
Tina and Amy: “Youre so meow-meow fine…”
Chris Parnell:
“That if I liked the boys, Id be up on your behind.
Ashton…”
Tina and Amy: “Dont misunderstand…”
Chris Parnell: “If I was AC/DC I would try to touch your gland.”
(Stops singing)
I love you Demi. Ashton, lets hang bro?
Amy Poehler: Chris Parnell everybody. Thank God I didnt marry you, Parnell! For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good Night and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Submitted by: Margaret Edwards
SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Oprah
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 15
04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani
Oprah
Oprah….Maya Rudolph
Rhonda Rogan….Rachel Dratch
John Travolta….Darrell Hammond
Julia Roberts….Ashton Kutcher
Overexcited fan….Amy Poehler
[Opens with Oprah’s logo. Women cheer wildly. Cut to Oprah’s TV studio set program. She is sitting in her chair and a plain looking woman sits next to her.]
Oprah: All right, all right. Sit down, thank you.[Cheering continues] OK, sit down, thank you. All right, OK.[ Standing women cheer and clap. One blond overexcited fan is right up front] All right, sit your asses down.[The women calm themselves a bit] Today on the Oprah show we’re continuing our ten-week series on human tragedy.
All: Awwww.[The women sit down]
Oprah: Yeah, fires. Everything you own, gone in an instant. Today, we are speaking with the survivor of a devastating fire. Please welcome, Rhonda Rogan.
All: Awww.
Oprah: Rhonda, you are a true survivor. You suffered a great loss when your home burned down last winter.
[Oprah puts her fist on her chin, elbow suspended on mid-air looking into Rhonda’s eyes]
Rhonda: Yes, well, Oprah umm, 2 days after Christmas I lost my home and all my belongings in a fire.
All: Awwww.
Overexcited Fan: Oh, that’s so sad. That’s sad.
Rhonda: I was fixing my hair for a job interview and I really needed that job.
All: Awwww.
Overexcited Fan: She needed that job!
Rhonda: And I dropped my curling iron and it ignited a beanbag chair.
Overexcited Fan: Oh, oh! Oh, Oprah! Oh, Oprah!
Rhonda: [emotional] I don’t know what I’m gonna do because I lost everything.
[Oprah puts a hand on Rhonda’s thigh]
Oprah: Well, we have a very special surprise for you Rhonda Rogan.
Rhonda: Oh, my God.
Oprah: Yeah, John Travolta!! Whoo!!
[Misirlou from Pulp Fiction plays. John comes out dancing, high five’s Oprah, hugs her. Women cheer madly]
John Travolta: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we talk about this one?[points at Oprah] Will you look at her? Oh baby, you turned 50 but you’re sexier than ever.
Oprah: Oh, come here, you.[Oprah jumps up on John and dry humps him. Rhonda is confused and uncomfortable] I love you, I love you.[John puts her down]
John Travolta: God, I love you.
[Women scream like crazy]
Overexcited Fan: Oh my God! Oprah and John Travolta really love each other!! Ah!!
[Oprah and John sit. Confused Rhonda is in the middle]
John Travolta: Well, well darling. I was thinking about you. I was really thinking about you a lot. And you are my best friend Frey-Frey.
Overexcited Fan: Oh, whooo!!!
Oprah: You.[points]You are my best friend Travovo.[John and Oprah hold hands right across Rhonda’s face]
John Travolta: Oh, my God. I love you.
Overexcited Fan: Good God!!
All: Awwww.
Oprah: [turns to Rhonda] Rhonda, tell John Travolta your story.
Rhonda: Well, um, last Christmas my house burned down.
John Travolta: Oh, my God. You are so brave.
Rhonda: Yeah, and um, all my belongings, all my memories were lost.
John Travolta: [ emotional] I know exactly how it feels to be in a fire. Because I was in “Ladder 49” which is about fires.[cries]
Oprah: Yeah, I know. Come here, baby. Come here. Come on momma’s lap.
[John sits on Oprah’s lap and cries]
Oprah: Aww, its ok, its ok baby Travovo. All right, you just go ahead and cry it on out. Rhonda, go ahead he’s gonna be OK.
Rhonda: [confused] Oh, um well, we lost our entire house, Oprah. I mean everything. We’re living in a shelter right now.
Oprah: OK, well, we have another surprise for you Rhonda Rogan. It’s my best friend Julia Roberts!! And her twin babies!!
[Roy Orbison’s Pretty Woman plays. Women scream like banshees. Julia holds her twins and has an wide-open mouth of a smile on her face. She also holds a bag for her baby stuff.]
Overexcited Fan: OH MY GOD! THE TWINS!!!, THE TWINS!!!
[Julia kisses Oprah]
Julia Roberts: Girl!
Oprah: Girlfriend.
Julia Roberts: Girl!
Oprah: My girl.
Julia Roberts: Girl!
John Travolta: Girlfriend.
[John almost sits on Oprah’s chair]
Oprah: Oh, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. Over there, baby. That’s Oprah’s chair.
[John and Julia sit on the couch almost pushing Rhonda out of it and completely ignore her]
Julia Roberts: Listen Op. I just had to come by and thank you for the baby gifts. I mean, would you look at these? [tiny pink blackberry] Baby’s first blackberry.
Oprah: Are those not the cutest things you have ever seen in your life?! Now, how much do we love Julia Roberts?!
[Women go insane cheering]
John Travolta: Wait—and can we talk about your figure? Look at you, girl. You’re on fire like Rhonda’s house.
Rhonda: [offended] That’s not cool.
Julia Roberts: One word: Cardio-yoga-lates.
Oprah: Is it not the best? I mean…
[Rhonda is left holding the Julia’s twins]
Rhonda: Is my segment over? Or do I get up….
Julia Roberts: Yes. Who wants to hear a little secret about my girl “O” here?
Overexcited Fan: OH MY GOD!, OH MY GOD! TELL US A SECRET ABOUT OPRAH!! TELL US!![faints]
Julia Roberts: “O” is afraid of the tickle monster! Tickle fight!
[Julia tickles Oprah]
Oprah: Oh, no. Oh God, oh God, oh no.
[While Oprah is being tickled by Julia, John gets up and joins in the tickling. Rhonda is ignored, she is almost trampled on]
John Travolta: Don’t tickle me or I’ll pee in my pants!
Oprah: Oh, then I’m gonna get you!
[Oprah goes to John and tickles him]
John Travolta: I swear, I swear.
Rhonda: Am I, am I…am I gonna get a new house or what?
Oprah: No. But everyone is getting baby’s first blackberries and….a COPY OF LADDDER 49 ON DVD!!! We’ll be right back!
[The tickling continues on stage. Women cheer loud. Overexcited fan breathes into a paper bag but faints again]
[Oprah’s logo]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Action 13 News
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 15
04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani
Action 13 News
Busy Martinez…..Amy Poehler
Darren Stark…..Ashton Kutcher
Barry Shirtsworth…..Seth Meyers
Herc Mandelbrak…..Horatio Sanz
[ open on to Action 13 News graphic ]
Announcer: We now return to.. Action 13 News.
[ dissolve to close-up of anchorwoman Busy Martinez in the studio ]
Busy Martinez: Welcome back to Channel 13 News – I’m Busy Martinez.
[ cut to close-up of anchorman Darren Stark ]
Darren Stark: And I’m Darren Stark.
[ cut to full shot of both anchors at the news desk ]
Busy Martinez: For those of you just tuning in, Darren is a new edition to the Channel 13 news team. And, may I say, you’re doing incredibly well.
Darren Stark: Well, thank you, Busy. It’s easy to look good in the company of such a.. talented, young gal, such as yourself.
Busy Martinez: [ laughs blushingly for quite a few moments ] Oh, stop it, Darren! I’m blushing! [ composes herself ] What do you think of our new team member, Herc?
[ cut to Herc Mandelbrak standing at the Sports Corner ]
Herc Mandelbrak: I think he’s a home run!/ [ mimes a home run hit ] And don’t forget to stick around for this month’s edition of “Herc Mandelbrak’s Sports Bloopers!”
Busy Martinez: [ condescendingly ] Can’t wait.
Darren Stark: Well.. last night’s storm caught us completely off guard, now, didn’t it?
Busy Martinez: [ excessively perky ] That’s for sure! It took me an hour to shovel my car out of the snow! [ laughs ]
Darren Stark: Well, next time, just give me a call, and I’ll come over and.. give you a hand!
Busy Martinez: [ laughs ] Oh, my! I like the new guy! So.. Barry, what gives? You told us mild and sunny – boy, were you off! [ laughs ]
[ cut to weatherman Barry Shirtsworth standing at the map ]
Barry Shirtsworth: Yeah! Sorry about that.
Darren Stark: I hope we do better tonight, Barry. [ chuckles goofily ]
Barry Shirtsworth: Me, too.. New Guy.
Busy Martinez: So, what’s the forecast, Barry? Let me guess – 85 and sunny? [ laughs condescendingly ]
Darren Stark: [ laughs with her ] Good one, Busy! Good one!
Barry Shirtsworth: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you guys want the forecast, or do you want to keep flirting?
[ Darren and Busy freeze, stunned by Barry’s outburst ]
Busy Martinez: Relax, Barry. Just give us the forecast.
Barry Shirtsworth: Yeah, you know what? I changed my mind!
Darren Stark: [ stunned ] I.. uh.. what’s that, Barry?
Barry Shirtsworth: I’m gonna pass on the forecast tonight!
Busy Martinez: [ chuckles uncomfortably ] I-I don’t understand, Barry..
Barry Shirtsworth: Here’s the plan – everyone at home can open their windows, stick their head out, and make their best guesses. ‘Cause I, human punching bag Barry Shirtsworth, am taking the day off!
Darren Stark: Uh.. is there.. is there any reason for that, Barry?
Barry Shirtsworth: Oh, yeah, there is! And I will happily tell you that reason. The reason is: I’m not God! That’s the reason! Here’s how I know I’m not God – God doesn’t have to come to work and listen to 200 messages from a bunch of weirdos every time he’s off on the weather! Back to you, Bozos!
Darren Stark: That is a, uh.. pretty inappropriate choice of words, Barry.
Barry Shirtsworth: Wow. The guy’s been here a whole week, and now he’s the one who knows what’s appropriate!
[ Busy sighs ]
Darren Stark: I know what’s professional, Barry.
Barry Shirtsworth: Well, New Guy, try being the only one on the news team that has to predict the future! Wanna tell me if there’s gonna be any murders tomorrow night? Any chemical spills coming up in the next week? You guys are jerks!
Busy Martinez: Well, let me make a prediction, Barry – this is probably your last night at Channel 13 News.
Barry Shirtsworth: This just in – I’ve been drinking. [ holds up a bottle ] In other news – you’re the Devil!
Busy Martinez: You know what, Barry? I’m really sorry that our “date” six years ago didn’t go the way you planned. But I am a news anchor. Okay? and if you thought I was gonna get with the weatherman, you should have picked a little classier locale than the Applebee’s!
Herc Mandelbrak: Uh.. [ clears throat ] Guys, you really need to cool your negative energy. I have to do my bloopers after this.
Barry Shirtsworth: How about Johnny Haircut and the Ice queen get a room? How about that!
Darren Stark: [ frustrated ] Look.. there’s nothing going on between us.
Busy Martinez: There isn’t?
Darren Stark: Not that I’m aware of.
Busy Martinez: [ gasps in amazement ] Watch your signals, friend.
Herc Mandelbrak: Seriously, guys – you know, you need a certain atmosphere to make these bloopers sizzle!
Busy Martinez: I think it’s alright, Herc – they’ll sizzle.
Barry Shirtsworth: Hey, uh.. good news, guys. I managed to pull a forecast together. [ Barry’s map changes to a cartoon drawing of Darren and Busy making out, with a fart bubble at Busy’s backside ] Uh.. okay. Looks like it’s you guys making out.. and.. it looks like you’re farting, Busy! That’s my forecast!
Darren Stark: [ sighs ] That is no way to treat a lady..
Busy Martinez: [ annoyed ] You know what, Darren – I don’t need you to be my hero.
Darren Stark: [ defensive ] Hey, look, I’m just trying to straighten —
Busy Martinez: [ angry ] Oh, what were you trying to do! I’d love to hear what you were trying to do! Look, I need a man who will be there for Busy Martinez!
Barry Shirtsworth: [ enjoying the trouble he’s caused ] Trouble in Paradise!
Darren Stark: Barry! If I have to come over there, you will not be happy!
Barry Shirtsworth: [ smarmy ] Bring it on, Captain America!
[ Darren scowls, then jumps to his feet and runs toward Barry ]
[ Barry screams like a girl, and runs off-camera as Darren reaches the map ]
Darren Stark: Get back here and fight like a man!
[ Darren runs off-screen to chase after Barry ]
Busy Martinez: Um.. uh.. in.. in other news.. [clears throat nervously ] A Lafayette man was charged with —
[ Barry runs into Busy’s frame and yells at the camera ]
Barry Shirtsworth: Busy Martinez is a bag of snakes! [ shrieks and runs away as Darren continues to chase after him ]
Busy Martinez: [ frustrated ] Well, this is just great! God!
[ Barry and Darren’s chase leads them past Herc Mandelbrak ]
Herc Mandelbrak: Can I do my bloopers?!
Busy Martinez: [ now further annoyed ] Yeah, sure, Herc! Do your bloopers!
Herc Mandelbrak: Well, it’s.. that time once again, for Herc Mandelbrak’s Sports Bloopers!
[ show blooper reel of a monkey in an ice hockey game ]
Herc Mandelbrak V/O: Well, the NHL may be on strike, but that doesn’t stop this hockey team from monkeying around —
Barry Shirtsworth V/O: Hey, you let go of me!
Darren Stark V/O: You bit me!
[ cut back to reveal Barry and Darren grabbing one another, with Herc caught in the middle ]
Herc Mandelbrak: Come on, guys! I’m trying to do my bloopers! Get off me!
[ Barry runs loose, as Darren continues to chase after him ]
Herc Mandelbrak: Bloopers!! Well, the bloopers are ruined! I know nobody cares about ol’ Herc – but he really looks forward to the bloopers! So, thanks a lot, guys! Back to you, Busy.
Busy Martinez: [ bemused ] Great, Herc. You’re a real pro.
[ Barry stops his running in front of Busy ]
Barry Shirtsworth: [ off-screen ] You’ll never catch me! [ solemnly, to Busy ] I could have been everything to you —
[ suddenly, Darren rushes Barry and knocks him to the ground ]
Barry Shirtsworth: You were so much closer than you looked!
Darren Stark: I got a forecast for you! [ raises his leg and lowers the hurt into Barry ] It’s an ass-whipping! [ continues his manic kicking ] With a 100% chance of getting your teeth knocked out! [ jumps on top of Barry ]
Busy Martinez: Okay, that about does it for us! That’s Darren Stark, I’m Busy Martinez! Thank you for tuning in!
[ Darren jumps up and deepens his voice for a serious close ]
Darren Stark: That’s the news.
Busy Martinez: Don’t be so proud of yourself, Barry!
Barry Shirtsworth: I love you!
Busy Martinez: You are pathetic! Both of you!
Barry Shirtsworth: I love you!!
[ dissolve to Action News 13 logo, fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Nebulzitol
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 15
04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani
Nebulzitol
Larry…..Will Forte
Woman…..Amy Poehler
V/O…..Chris Parnell
[Larry walks in with flowers, woman sitting on couch]
Larry: Hi sweetheart.
Woman: Hi honey. Tough day at work?
Larry: Oh, it was fine. Look what I got for you. Flowers!
[Larry gives flowers to woman]
Woman: Oh, that’s so sweet! Oh thank you, I love them.
Larry: Oh, it’s nothing you know. I’ve been thinking about you all day. Well, I better take these and go get some flow.. go get some water for ’em.
[Larry takes flowers and walks out of scene]
Woman: Ok.
[Piano music as woman turns to camera]
Woman: When Larry was first diagnosed with March Madness, we were unprepared. He started babbling about 63 games, and DirecTV, and brackets and Digger Phelps. I was afraid. And then a friend told me about Nebulzitol. A new FDA approved drug specifically designed to fight March Madness. [woman turns to face different camera] Tests show that during the NCAA tournament, an unhealthy balance of single sport dependence develops commonly known as Basketball Jones. Nebulzitol goes right to the sports and recreation center of the brain. [shot of a glimpse inside brain with an old basketball clip showinginside the head and red arrows pointing at it] Its powerful medicinede-activates the unbalance, [glimpse in brain changes to show The View in place of basketball] replacing it with more healthier, productive impulses. [back to woman talking into camera] And it comes in the form of a bag of chips, so he’ll never know he’s taking it.
[Larry walks back into scene]
Larry: Hey, you. I rented some movies for tonight.
Woman: Hey… What about college basketball?
[Larry sits next to woman on couch]
Larry: Right, when I can cuddle with you?
Woman: Dick Vitale?
Larry: Oh, bor-ring. You know, I’d rather we just get cozy and watch a few movies, you know. I got, uh, The Notebook and Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
Woman: Aww.
[woman hugs Larry, then turns to camera]
Woman: Get the husband you want with Nebulzitol.
Larry: Foot massage?
[Woman winks at camera]
[shot of bag of chips reading Nebulzitol]
V/O: For March Madness, Nebulzitol.
Submitted by: Scott L.
SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Gwen Stefani performs “Hollaback Girl”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 15
04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani
Gwen Stefani performs “Hollaback Girl”
…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Gwen Stefani
David Spade: Ladies and gentlemen – Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love!
Ashton Kutcher: [ screaming like a lunatic ] Once again – Gwen Stefaniiiiiiiiii!!!!
[ Kutcher steps aside, as camera zooms onto the stage. The stage lights up to reveal Gwen Stefani standing in front of a neatly-lined marching band ]
Gwen Stefani:
“Uh huh, this my, ugh
All the girls stomp your feet like this.
A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.
A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
I heard that you were talking, ugh
And you didn’t think that I would hear it
People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up
So I’m ready to attack, gonna lead the pack
Gonna get a touchdown, gonna take you out
That’s right, put your pom-poms down, getting everybody fired up.
A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.
A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.
Oooh, this my, shh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
That’s right, dude, meet me at the bleachers
No principals, no student-teachers
All the boys want to be the winner, but there can only be one
So I’m gonna fight, gonna give it my all
Gonna make you fall, gonna sock it to you
That’s right, I’m the last one standing, another one bites the dust A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.
A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Let me hear you say, this, ugh, is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This, ugh, is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This, ugh, is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This, ugh, is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.
A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!”
SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Gwen Stefani featuring Eve performs “Rich Girl”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 15
04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani
Gwen Stefani featuring Eve performs “Rich Girl”
…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Gwen Stefani
…..Eve
David Spade: Ladies and gentlemen – Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love!
Ashton Kutcher: Ladies and gentlemen – Gwen Stefani, featuring Eeeeeeeeeeve!!
Gwen Stefani, featuring Eve:
“Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Eve:
Come together all over the world
From the hoods of Japan, Harajuku girls
What, it’s all love
What, give it up, what
Gwen Stefani:
Shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter
Eve: What
Come together all over the world
From the hoods of Japan, Harajuku girls
What, it’s all love
What, give it up, what
Gwen Stefani:
Shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter
If I was a rich girl
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
See, I’d have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl.
No man could test me, impress me
My cash flow would never ever end
‘Cause I’d have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl.
Think what that money could bring
I’d buy everything
Clean out Vivienne Westwood
In my Galliano gown.
No, wouldn’t just have one hood
A Hollywood mansion, if I could
Please book me first-class to my fancy house in London town.
All the riches, baby, won’t mean anything
All the riches, baby, won’t bring what your love can bring.
All the riches, baby, won’t mean anything
Don’t need no other baby
Your lovin’ is better than gold, and I know.
Eve:
Come together all over the world
From the hoods of Japan, Harajuku girls
What, it’s all love
What, give it up, what
Gwen Stefani:
Shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter
Eve:
What happened to my life
Turned upside down
Chicks dat blew ya mind, ding, it’s the second round
Together: Original track and ting, mmm.
Eve:
You know you can’t buy these things (no)
See Stefani and her L.A.M.B., I rock the Fetish people
You know who I am.
Gwen Stefani:
Yes ma’am, we got the style that’s wicked (come on)
I hope you can all keep up (come on)
Together:
We climbed all the way from the bottom to the top
Now we ain’t gettin’ nothin’ but love
Eve: Come on, come on!
Gwen Stefani:
If I was rich girl
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
See, I’d have all the money in the world (come on)
if I was a wealthy girl (come on)
No man could test me, impress me
my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I’d have all the money in the world
if I was a wealthy girl.
Na, na, na, na (come on) na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na (come on)
Na, na, na, na (come on) na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na (come on)
Na, na, na, na (come on) na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na (come on)
Na, na, na, na (come on) na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.”
SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Goodnights
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 15
04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani
Goodnights
…..Ashton Kutcher
Ashton Kutcher; Thank you, Gwen Stefani! Eve! and my love, Demi Moore! And everyone at SNL, Lorne Michaels, everybody here! God bless you! “Guess Who”, next Friday! Go see it! I love you!