Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Ghost of Babe Ruth…..Horatio Sanz
Ghost of Lulu…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[applause]

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

This week, in an attempt to appeal to pro-gun voters in the battleground state of Ohio, John Kerry and some friends walked into the woods to retrieve four geese that had been strangled and left for them by Democratic operatives.

Kerry appeared close with his fellow hunters, but as soon as they left, he accused them of raping the geese and setting fire to geese villages.

Amy?

Amy Poehler: Kerry then tried to win over Cuban voters in Florida by shooting Fidel Castro.

Dick Cheney says that because of his history with heart disease, he has received a flu shot, even though they are in short supply. Cheney added, “But even if I was healthy I woulda gotten one, so suck it.”

Tina Fey: Election offices across Florida opened last Monday to give black voters the option of being turned away early. [applause]

This y-[continued applause] This year’s winner of Family Circlemagazine’s Presidential Cookie Bake-off was Laura Bush’s Oatmeal Chocolate Chunk cookies, which beat Teresa Heinz Kerry’s Portuguese Ketchup Rhinocerous bars.

That lady’s weird.

Amy Poehler: Looks gross!

Martha Stewart reportedly spent her first week in prison playing Scrabble and charming her fellow prisoners. And tunneling. Furiously tunneling!

Tina Fey: Well, the Red Sox beat the Yankees this week, and adv- [cheers] Yes, advanced to the World Series for the first time since 1986, they’re already up one game in the World Series- [more cheers] which raises the question: is the curse of the Bambino over?

[moaning heard in the distance]

What is that?

Amy Poehler: What is that?

Tina Fey: It sounds like scary ghost, or someth-

Amy Poehler: Yes! I’m scared, Tina, it’s a terrifying sound!

Tina Fey: I don’t like it!

[more moaning. Pan to the ghost of Babe Ruth, applause]

Ghost of Babe Ruth: What are you talkin’ about, lady? I cursed the hell outa them good-for-nothin’ Red Sox! What about that game, that 18- that 19-8 game? Yeah, I tried to mess up Schilling’s ankle, blood come out of his socket an’ everything. Hey, you know what? I also gave Johnny Damon that ladies haircut!

Tina Fey: Alright, but that was the first two games. What about Game Four? Where were you in Game Four?

Ghost of Babe Ruth: Well, you know what, Game Four looked like the game was in the bag, so you know, I left. Uh, me, Mickey Mantle and Rodney Dangerfield, we went and got a few beers. And then I entered a ghost hotdog-eating contest. And I, uh, passed out.

Amy Poehler: You passed out for Game Four?

Ghost of Babe Ruth: Game Four…Five, Six, and Seven.

Amy Poehler: So you only had a few beers, is that what you’re saying?

Ghost of Babe Ruth: And some gasoline.

Tina Fey: Aw, you drank gasoline??

Ghost of Babe Ruth: Yeah, and some horse tranquilizers. Listen–

Tina Fey: Aw, Babe!

Ghost of Babe Ruth: That’s nothing new. One time I passed out for the whole season. And I still hit forty homers! [holds bat in front of him, but realizes he’s holding it the wrong way] Like this, I was left-handed.

[more moaning; the ghost of Babe Ruth’s hooker enters]

Amy Poehler: Oh, another ghost!

Ghost of Babe Ruth: This is, uh, Lulu. She’s, uh, my ghost hooker.

Amy Poehler: Oh my gosh.

Ghost of Lulu: Bambino! Whooo! I’m waiting out for you in the ghost car!

Tina Fey: This is your ghost hooker? So you’re telling me you were at a ghost hotdog-eating contest–

Ghost of Babe Ruth: Right.

Tina Fey: With Rodney Dangerfield’s ghost, and a ghost hooker, when you should’ve been cursing the Red Sox!

Ghost of Lulu: Did you know Babe can eat over a thousand of those hotdogs in one sitting? [holds her mouth open in astonishment]

Ghost of Babe Ruth: This is- this little sweet gal here, she’s the sweetest hooker in heaven! And you know what, in heaven, all theladies–[cracks up] in my heaven, are hookers, so I mean, that’s really sayin’ something.

Ghost of Lulu: That’s my guy!

Tina Fey: The ghost of Babe Ruth and the ghost of Babe Ruth’s hooker, everyone! [applause] Oooooh!

Amy Poehler: First Lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that if her husband is elected to a second term, she would like to help juvenile delinquents with substance abuse problems. When asked how she would do that, Mrs. Bush replied, “Just as I always have. By marrying them and bearing their children.”

Tina Fey: A German man is patenting a device which he claims canstraighten bananas, making them easier to eat, ship, and store. Because, how many times has this happened to you? [points to Amy]

Amy Poehler: [fumbling with two bananas] Oh, these bananas are so hard to eat!

[frustrated, Amy drops the bananas. She and Tina shrug their shoulders. Cheers and applause. Both try handling the bananas again]

Tina Fey: Whoa!

Amy Poehler: [placing one banana near her ear, like a telephone] Hello?

Because of the controversy surrounding accusations that he harrassed a former colleague, Bill O’Reilly has cancelled a number of TV interviews intended to promote his new children’s book, Curious Engorged.

Tina Fey: Andrea Mackris, the woman suing O’Reilly for sexual harassment in the form of unwanted phone sex, is alledgedly seeking sixty million dollars in damages, which sounds like a lot until you realize it breaks down to about $2.99 a minute.

Several major American Muslim groups gave their endorsement to John Kerry this week. In response, Kerry was like, “Aw, no, really, thanks, I’m good. Thanks, though. Thank you.”

Amy Poehler: John Kerry said in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine that he would end the color-coded Terror Alert system, and find a more thoughtful way of alerting the American people. [picture of ketchup bottles of various colors, with labels from “Low” to “High”]

Tina Fey: I feel bad, ’cause my favorite flavor is “high.”

Helmut Simon, who thirteen years ago found the 5000-year-old remains of a prehistoric man frozen in the ice of an Alpine glacier, has himself disappeared in the snow-covered Alps. Helmut, if you can hear me, don’t give up. Help is on the way, in 5000 years.

Amy Poehler: F/X announced Thursday that actress Glenn Close will join the cast of “The Sheild.”

Tina Fey: Oh god, that’s so great! “The Shield” is so good!

Amy Poehler: I know!

Tina Fey: Do you ever watch it?

Amy Poehler: No.

Tina Fey: Me neither. [both pause for a moment]

Amy Poehler: Last week, a pet turtle in China, where turtles are a symbol of longevity, climbed through an apartment window, fell ten stories onto the roof of a taxi, and survived. The turtle claims it was an accident, but then why did he leave a note? [picture of an unintelligible scribbled note] Turtle writing!

Tina Fey: According to a new study, almost half of all New York City high school students have lost their virginity.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: You’re welcome.

Tina Fey: Hi Jimmy!

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[fade]

Transcribed by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

“The Apprentice” Promo

Donald Trump…..Darrell Hamond
Director’s Voice…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Halloween background foliage ]

Director’s Voice: Okay. Uh.. Mr. Trump. If you could just step on your mark?

[ Donald Trump, dressed as Dracula, complete with black cape and fake fangs, over his usual business suit, steps in front of the background foliage ]

Director’s Voice: Did you, uh.. did you get a chance to see the script?

Donald Trump: [ with authority ] Here’s how I want this commercial to go: I’m gonna say the words from the script in the camera, while you film it. Then, you’re gonna edit to exactly thirty seconds, which is gonna be hard, ’cause there’s gonna be a lot of good stuff!

Director’s Voice: Yeah, that’s how we usually do it.

Donald Trump: Then, you’re gonna air it! And it’s gonna get the highest ratings of any promo in the history of NBC, not to mention the history of television!

Director’s Voice: Promos actually don’t get ratings, so —

Donald Trump: Let’s do this!

Director’s Voice: Okay. Here we go. In 5.. 4.. 3.. 2..

[ camera zooms close on Trump, as a logo for “The Apprentice” appears on the bottom left corner of the screen. Trump stands motionless. ]

Director’s Voice: Um.. Mr. Trump, is something wrong?

[ logo dissolves ]

Donald Trump: You didn’t say “1”.

Director’s Voice: [ light chuckle ] Oh, yeah.. oh.. sorry, we don’t usually say “1”, because you may hear it on the tape.

Donald Trump: Alright, here’s what you’re gonna do: I want you to count backwards from 5, and when you get to 1, you won’t say it, and that way you won’t hear it on the tape. Then, you’ll point to me, and then I’ll begin saying my lines. And then, you will take what we just recorded —

Director’s Voice: Yes! We get it. Good. Thank you. In 5.. 4.. 3.. 2 —

[ camera zooms close on Trump ]

Donald Trump: 1!

[ logo appears ]

Donald Trump: [ reading stiffly from the cue cards ] “Hello, this is The Donald from Trumpsylvania, telling you to watch this week’s special Halloween episode of “The Apprentice”. These contestants are gonna be shaking in their suits, because, unlike Frankenstein, I am not afraid of fire – ing – any of them! Moo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo, ha, ha-ha, ha!” [ lifts his cape up over his shoulders ] That was great.

Director’s Voice: Um.. Mr. Trump, we should probably do that again.

Donald Trump: I think we should do it again. I didn’t point when I said “The Apprentice.”

Director’s Voice: Okay. So, let’s try it again. And, in the end, it’s sort of like an evil villain luag,h like

Donald Trump: Alright, you just watch what I do. I think you’ll find it very professional.

Director’s Voice: Great. Here we go. In 5.. 4.. 3.. 2 —

[ camera zooms close on Trump ]

Donald Trump: 1!

[ logo appears ]

Donald Trump: “Hello, this is The Donald from Trumpsylvania — and you’ve already got this part on tape, so you can splice it, and “Moo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo, hey, hey, hey. [ points ] “The Apprentice!””

[ logo dissolves ]

Director’s Voice: Umm.. Mr. Trump, we can’t really splice that middle part, so we’re gonna have to do it again.

Donald Trump: Okay, but this time I’m gonna freestyle it, like I did in that Visa commercial, which, by the way, got tremendous ratings, and so will this promo.

Director’s Voice: Yeah, but, once again, promos don’t get ratings, so —

Donald Trump: [ as camera zooms on him ] And 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. [ points to himself ] 1!

[ logo appears ]

Donald Trump: “Hello, this is Count Trumpula. I vant to suck your blood.. but I von’t, if you vatch “The Apprentice” this veek. Moo-hoo! Moo-hoo-hoo! Moo-hoo-hoo-hoo!” [ throws cape over his shoulder again, then lowers his arm ] And then, right here, I’m gonna stand. And I want you to do some fancy graphic thing where I break into pieces like glass, and then every piece turns into a real bat, and every bat flies away!

Director’s Voice: Um.. Mr. Trump —

Donald Trump: And then the last bat turns into the NBC Peacock, but with fangs! And maybe in the end we can get, you know, Steven Tyler to do a guitar thiiiing.

Director’s Voice: Mr. Trump, we have to play this on the air tonight, so I think we’re done.

Donald Trump: I think we’re done.

Director’s Voice: [ less than enthusiastic ] Great.

[ logo dissolves ]

Donald Trump: This turned out fantastic. This commercial’s gonna be huge – huuuuuge! I think we’re gonna get a real impressive rating in the reruns, too. [ flashes tow peace signs, then walks off the set ]

Director’s Voice: Mr. Trump! Mr. Trump! Uh.. you can actually leave the Dracula cape here..

[ Trump steps back onto the set ]

Donald Trump: Okay, here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna leave the cape —

Director’s Voice: Great.

Donald Trump: Then, I’m gonna go use the john —

Director’s Voice: Okay.

Donald Trump: Then, I’m gonna get in the elevator —

Director’s Voice: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump: And I want it to lower me to the lobby. Alright? Lower me all the way down to the lobby. Okay? I like the numbers. I want them to light up as we go down – 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. [ points to himself ] 1! And then I walk out. And then I want thew car to have Derek Jeter in it, and all of that —

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Jude Law’s Monologue

…Jude Law
…Rachel Dratch
…Tina Fey
…Amy Poehler
…Maya Rudolph
…Ashlee Simpson

Jude: Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s wonderful to be here in New York City. Thank you! Alot of you may know me from my filmwork. Perhaps from the ( counts on his fingers) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 films Ihave coming out right now. But you know I actually started in the theatre. And hosting this show reminds me of that time in my life. When everyone would work very long hours, stay up nights rehearsing until everything was just right. Because we loved it so much. I remember my first opening night in a reperatory theatre. I was playing Happy in “Death of a Salesman,” at the West Yorkshire Playhouse in Leagues. I went to the theatre very early that night. I remember sitting in my tiny dressing room, with a bare lightbulb hanging from the ceiling, and even though it smelled like cigarettes and stale beer I had never been happier. As I was putting on my makeup, I looked in the mirror- I can remember thi so clearly- I looked in the mirror, and I thought “I am so good looking.” I mean look at this face. This face does not belong in a crappy little theatre in Leagues. (is handed a microphone). Honestly. [sings] “I took one look in the mirror, and I could clearly see that there was one perfect thing in it, and that thing was me.” You know people think it’s easy going through life looking like this. It is. It’s easy. [sings] “I don’t need to really act, I don’t need a big heart, I don’t need to be nice, I don’t need to be smart.” I am, that’s just a bonus. Ladies.

(Rachel, Tina, Amy, and Maya enter onstage.)

Girls: [singing]
“He’s the most beautiful man we ever saw.
In some states that smile’s against the law.”

Rachel: I want to be against the law – Jude Law, that is.

Girls: [singing]
“We don’t meant to be crude,
but when we’re in the mood,
the one man we think of is Jude.”

Rachel: Thinking of Jude.

Tina: Totally nude.

Rachel: About to be screw-

Jude: Alright.
[sings]
“I’ve made women swoon, and Matt Damon cry,
made Nicole Kidman melt when she gazed in my eyes.
My looks don’t fit the common belief,
that Englishmen have big ears and, bad teeth.”

Girls [singing] “He’s the most beautiful man in the world.”

Jude: You know when you’re this good looking people think you’re gay. I’m just English. I’m so good looking I don’t even need to be funny to make people laugh. Watch this. Tina?

Tina: What is it, Jude?

Jude: What’s that over there? (points offstage)

(Tina looks then looks back at Jude)

Jude: Made you look.

Tina: Ha ha ha ha ha ha, good one!

Jude: See what I mean?

Tina: That is so funny, and I’m a professional comedian.

Jude: It’s so easy. No one even ever corrects me. Everyone, tonight’s musical guest, Jessica Simpson!

Ashlee: (comes onstage) Actually it’s- you can call me Jessica.

Jude: Maya? Maya, have you met Jessica?

Maya: (Shakes Ashlee’s hand) Hi Jessica.

Ashlee: Actually it’s Ashlee.

Jude: Ashlee?

Ashlee: Ashlee, yeah.

Jude: Oh, I’m so sorry.

Maya: Oh, it’s okay.

Ashlee: It’s totally okay.

(Ashlee, Maya, and Amy all talk at the same time. It’s hard to tell what each one is saying.)

Amy: I love you!

Jude: [sings] “I’m just a regular guy.”

Girls: [singing] “No you’re more than okay.”

Maya: [singing] “I’d like to get to know you in a big way.”

Girls: [singing]
“We don’t mean to be rude,
but we can conclude,
that we’re in the mood for a man named,
(start to make a circle around Jude)
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Hey Jude!”

Jude: [sings] “Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Wow!” (girls still singing in the background) Thank you very much. ASHLEE Simpson is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

(fade away with girls still singing and circling around Jude)

Transcribed by: Krista Couper

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Paris Hilton Apologizes

Paris Hilton…Maya Rudolph
Nicky Hilton…Jude Law
Nicole Richie…Rachel Dratch

Paris: Hi, I’m Paris Hilton and this is my sister Nicky.

[Nicky turns around]

Nicky: Hi. I like your outfit, Paris, it’s hot.

Paris: Thanks. I like yours too. It’s hot.

Nicky: Thanks.

Paris: But you know what’s not hot? The “n” word.

Nicky: You’re right. It’s not hot.

Paris: No it’s not. But you know what is hot? Saying you’re sorry.

Nicole: Paris! Paris!

Paris: Hey Nicole.

Nicole: Look! I found this in my car.

[Dangles a tree shaped car freshener]

Nicky: Well that’s hot.

Nicole: It smells like coconut. Should I eat it?

Paris: Nicole, that’s air freshener.

Nicole: I’m just gonna eat it. [She leaves]

Paris: Where were we? Oh yeah I was apologizing for using the “n” word.

Nicky: You guys, Paris is a lot of things. A dog owner, a semi professional porn star. She can burp her own name.

Paris: [Burping] Paris.

[They both giggle, do a high five and suddenly become serious]

Nicky: That’s hot…But she is not racist. Racist is so not hot.

Paris: No, I agree. It doesn’t get any less hotter than racism…Hey are you still married?

Nicky: No.

Paris: That’s hot….So to prove to you that I am not a racist, therefore hot, here’s a list of black guys I think are hot and I would totally have sex with, or might have already had sex with.

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Shaq…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Usher…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Wayne Brady…

Nicky: Really hot.

Paris: Arsenio …

Nicky: So hot!

Paris: Steve Harvey…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: George Hamilton…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Hootie…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Bernie Mac…

Nicky: Mmmm…not so hot.

Paris: The Ohio Players…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Ronnie…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Bobby…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Ricky…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: and Mike…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Arch Bishop Dime Magic Wand…

Nicky: So totally hot.

Paris: ‘Lil Romeo…

Nicky: Kind of hot.

Paris: And maybe, if I was really drunk…Webster.

Nicky: Oh, Webster’s hot.

Paris: He’s really small! So forget I said the “n” word and next time you think i’m a racist, picture me doing it with a black guy. Thanks!

Nicky: Stay hot!

Announcer: This has been an apology from Paris Hilton.

Transcribed by: Monica Rios

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Ed Gillespie…..Seth Meyers
Mary Beth Cahill…..Amy Poehler
Zell Miller…..Will Forte

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball” I’m Chris Matthews. ….. handling him like Kobe Bryant backstage at the Teen Choice Awards. Has President Bush lost his momentum, and will Kerry capitalize? Here to discuss is chairman of the Republican National Committee, a man who never stops smiling, ever. Ed Gillespie.

Ed Gillespie: [smiling strangely] Chris, thank you so much for having me. You guys are doing a wonderful job here. I gotta say –

Chris Matthews: – Nope! Also joining us, Kerry campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill.

Mary Beth Cahill: [eyes sticking out] Great to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Good god, Cahill. I haven’t seen eyes like that since Jim Henson glued ’em to a sock. Ed Gillespie, let’s start with you. How does Bush plan to rebound from his lackluster performance in these debates?

Ed Gillespie: Simple, Chris. By staying on message. And that message is that George Bush is the only candidate who can win the war on terror. I don’t know if you’ve seen our new ad, but terrorist are like wolves. I think people want a president, like George Bush, who will strip himself to the waste, run full speed into the forest, and kill the wolves with his bare hands. Sure, John Kerry like to play dress up in camouflage and shoot geese, but while he’s out hunting geese, there’s a wolf in your house, eating your baby.

Chris Matthews: That’s a pretty impressive fear mongering, Gillespie. Between the war mongering in Iraq and the fear mongering here at home, how muchmongering do you have left? Ha! Mary Beth Cahill, John Kerry has taken some eatin the past week from mentioning the vice-president’s daughter’s a lesbian. Will that remark end up hurting Kerry come November 2nd?

Mary Beth Cahill: Chris, Mary Cheney is an outspoken lesbian. So as far as we’re concerned, she’s fair game. We shouldn’t have to tiptoe around that fact anymore than we should tiptoe around the fact that her father, Dick Cheney, is slightly overweight. We’re not telling anyone anything they don’t already know. Mary Cheney is a hardcore carpet cleaner. … And her dad is a big ol’ fatty boombalatty.

Chris Matthews: Good god. Ed Gillespie, recent polls show Senator Kerry is gaining as much as 11 points over the coarse of the last month. Are youconcerned?

Ed Gillespie: Golly, Chris. I don’t know what polls you’re looking at. According to everyone I’ve talked to at the Republican National Committee, Bush is going to win anywhere from 97 to 100% of the popular vote. I’m not trying to spin you there, Chris. It’s going really good.

Chris Matthews: You gotta be kidding me, Gillespie. You’re spinning harder than George Bush’s college dorm room after nicke-de-bel-bleh-[mumbling] beer night! Mary Beth Cahill, how are the polls effecting John Kerry now that we’re approaching the home stretch?

Mary Beth Cahill: Chris, we don’t run our campaign according to the latest polls, we prefer to stick to the issues that affect the American people. Issues like the fact that our vice-president’s daughter is a stone-cold lesbone. Or that she may, from time to time, take a vacation diving for muff off the coast of “dyke”-achusetts. Or that she wakes up early in the morning, looks over at her life partner, and lovingly says “time to bang the donut!”

[Cahill stares at camera with wide open eyes, Chris looks confused]

Chris Matthews: Correct me if I’m wrong, but we’re still talking about apresidential election right?

Mary Beth Cahill: I’m not sure anymore, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Joining us now is someone who might be able to shed some light on how Bush can regain some of that post-convention momentum. Key note speaker at the Republican National Convention and a guy who would have chilled the crowd at the Nuremberg rallies, democratic senator, Zell Miller.

Zell Miller: [shouting hysterically] It’s good to be here, Chris!!!

Chris Matthews: Senator Miller, some have said that your appearance at the convention may have backfired for the president, saying you came off as angry. How do you respond to that?

Zell Miller: You know what makes me angry, Chris?!! Sadaam Hussein!!! Osama Bin Laden makes me angry!!! John Kerry makes me angry with his $200 haircuts, his fancy ketchup wife, and his Ben Frank-o’s!!! I don’t want my president to be some liberal senator from Massachusetts. I want a president who protects my family with big old bombs and airplanes and spaceships!!! John Kerry wants to give our soldiers spitballs Chris!!! SPITBALLS!!!

Chris Matthews: You don’t seriously believe that, Senator Miller?

Zell Miller: What’d you say to me, boy?!!

Chris Matthews: I said you can’t honestly suggest that Senator Kerry would arm our troops with spitballs?

Zell Miller: It was a metaphor, Chris!!! I’ll tell you what, I wish we was in the days where you could still challenge a man to a duel!!! I’d come down there and slap the yellow off of that head of yours!!!

Chris Matthews: All right. Before Zell Miller gets down here and murders me, final thoughts. Smiley?

[Gillespie smiling excitedly]

Ed Gillespie: Just polled myself. Looks like 100% of me is going to vote for Bush.

Chris Matthews: No kidding. Googly eyes?

[Cahill stares around with eyes wide open]

Mary Beth Cahill: All this talk about polls, you know whose never been poled in her life?? Mary Cheney!

Chris Matthews: Yico rooney. Yosemite Sam?

[Miller pulls out two shotguns]

Zell Miller: The pistols and I, Matthews!!! You and me!!! 20 paces!! YOU’RE A DEAD MAN!!!

Chris Matthews: When we come back, Senator Miller is going to try to shoot me, and we’ll see if Mary Beth Cahill’s eyes pop out of her head, but first … “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Transcribed by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Goodnights

…..Jude Law
…..Ashlee Simpson

(Dissolve from a Jude Law still photo to a still shot of the New York skyline with the words: Promotional Services Furnished by Columbia Pictures to Jude Law hugging Ashlee Simpson shortly after her second song turned into disaster)

Jude Law: What can I say, it’s live TV.

Ashlee Simpson: Exactly, I feel so bad, my band started playing the wrong song, and I didn’t know what to do, so I thought I’d do a hoe-down. I’m sorry!

(Jude Law simulates Ashlee Simpson’s pose, as though implying she’s full of it)

Jude Law: Ashlee Simpson!

Ashlee Simpson: I didn’t mean for it to happen.

Jude Law: The cast! Everybody here! Go see “Alfie”! It opens November 30th. Thank you!

(Cast hugs Ashlee and Jude)

Transcribed by: C. Elwood Bastien

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Dyson Toilet

James Dyson….Fred Armisen

[Opens with the trendy inventor with gray hair in a lab. He has a strong English accent.]

James Dyson: Hello there. I’m James Dyson. Inventor of the Dyson Vacuum….the first vacuum that doesn’t use suction.

[Cut to the yellow vacuum with a transparent, plastic, dust bag. Signature is written beside the toilet. James Dyson]

And now I’ve applied the same technology to another household necessity, the common toilet. You see, I was visiting a friend one weekend and after taking a particularly difficult Sunday-morning squat on what I thought was a pretty good commode,…

[Cut to James, pants around his ankles, taking a dump]

I was amazed by the lousy suction.

[Cut to James flushing, he is intrigued by the flush]

I realized there must be something terribly wrong with this design.

[Cut to James wearing protection glasses with his face in the toilet bowl making an examination]

I took the toilet apart and discovered the problem.

[James puts his hand deep in the toilet bowl]

A small amount of my discard was hopelessly clogged.

[James back in the lab]

So I decided to design something better. And a few thousand prototypes later I had it….the Dyson Toilet.

[The toilet is exactly like the vacuum but with a toilet bowl attached to it]

The first toilet that doesn’t use suction.

[Cut to James with his face next to the toilet bowl holding a pan filled with ravioli]

Just look at how it handles this massive load of pumpkin ravioli.

[James deposits the raviolis in the toilet bowl. A hard flush takes the raviolis into the transparent dust bag. Its a mess of water, meat, pasta, tomato sauce all smeared in the see-through bag.]

And those ravioli were quite dense. It’s brilliant, isn’t it?

The Dyson Toilet….the first toilet that doesn’t require plunging.

[A last look at the Dyson Toilet.]

[Signature: James Dyson.]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 10/23/04: The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael Caine

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael Caine

Peter O’Toole…..Jude Law
Michael Caine…..Seth Meyers
Brett…..Rob Riggle
Employee…..Rachel Dratch
Gary…..Kenan Thompson

[Title graphic appears as announcer speaks.]

Announcer: And now it is time once again for “The Adventures of PeterO’Toole and Michael Caine.”

[A fast food restaurant, night. A drunken Peter O’Toole and an equallydrunken Michael Caine enter in tuxedos, carrying martinis. Peter alsocarries a cigarette in a holder.]

Peter O’Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O’Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O’Toole: Hello, everyone!

Michael Caine: How are you, then?

Peter O’Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Good to see you!

Peter O’Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Coming through!

Peter O’Toole: Coming through! Hello!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O’Toole: Hello, everyone!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O’Toole: Michael, I have one question for you: Where in God’s name are we?

Michael Caine: Well, let’s figure it out: a group of people…a TacoBell/Pizza Hut Express sign…and we’re wearing tuxedos. We must behosting a talk show.

Peter O’Toole: Excellent!

[They sit at a table and address the camera.]

Michael Caine: Hello, I’m Michael Caine.

Peter O’Toole: And I’m Peter O’Toole.

Michael Caine: And you’re watching “An Evening with Peter andMichael.” Please enjoy our combined 200 years of acting excellence.

Peter O’Toole: This man has been in over 300 films: “Hannah and Her Sisters”…

Michael Caine: Yes.

Peter O’Toole: …”Ipcress File”…

Michael Caine: Yes.

Peter O’Toole: …”Star Wars”…

Michael Caine: No.

Peter O’Toole: …”Garfield”…

Michael Caine: No.

Peter O’Toole: …”The Jigsaw Man”…

Michael Caine: Yes.

Peter O’Toole: …Sir Penny Marshall’s “A League of Their Own”…

Michael Caine: Absolutely not.

Peter O’Toole: …and the first season of “NYPD Blue.”

Michael Caine: David Caruso.

Peter O’Toole: And I have been told by many people that I am still making films.

[A customer at the next table gets up and walks behind Peter and Michael.]

Brett: Hey, can I grab a napkin there, Chief?

Peter O’Toole: Oh, wonderful, we have a caller! What is your name,and where are you from?

Brett: My name’s Brett, I’m from, uh…I’m from behind you. Look, I’mjust going to grab one of these napkins. [He does so and returns tohis table.]

Peter O’Toole: Thank you for your call! And remember, everyone, thenumber is 8…1…3…hundred…6.

Michael Caine: We would now like to pause for a word from our sponsor.

[Twelve-second pause. Peter smokes, Michael drinks.]

Michael Caine: Thank you, Walker’s Crisps!

Peter O’Toole: Britain’s best crisps since 1455…7…2.

Michael Caine: It is now time for a segment on our show we like tocall “Guess the Accents.”

Peter O’Toole: [clears throat, then speaks in his normal voice]”Hello, sir, I am here about the telegram.”

Michael Caine: Italian.

Peter O’Toole: Correct.

Michael Caine: [speaks in his normal voice] “Hey, you. You over there.I’m talking to you. I’m going to tell you something about how to treata woman.”

Peter O’Toole: German.

Michael Caine: Correct.

[An employee approaches the table.]

Employee: Do you guys need me to call someone for you?

Michael Caine: You’re in the shot, love.

[She leaves.]

Peter O’Toole: Michael, I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that we arenot hosting a talk show.

Michael Caine: I think you’re right. We must be teaching an acting workshop.

[They stand.]

Peter O’Toole: The key to acting is knowing what your character wants.

[Gary, a customer, walks by with a tray of food.]

Peter O’Toole: Othello!

Michael Caine: Hey!

Gary: Yo, dude, my name is not Othello.

Peter O’Toole: It was Wolverhampton Rep, the year was 1973. I playedIago, and you were marvelous!

Gary: Look, crazy dudes, I just want to eat my chicken soft taco in peace.

Michael Caine: You’ve told me what you want, but now make me believe it!

Gary: [frustrated] LEAVE ME ALONE!

Michael Caine: Now you are an actor.

[Michael and Peter put their drinks down and applaud Gary. They allsit down. The employee returns.]

Employee: Excuse me, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Peter O’Toole: Dear lady, where the hell are we?

Employee: At a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut Express.

Michael Caine: In that case, I would like a chalupa.

Peter O’Toole: And I would like your finest Gin Lover’s Pizza.

Employee: We don’t…we don’t have any gin.

[Peter and Michael stand.]

Michael Caine: That’s all the time we have.

Peter O’Toole: We’d like to thank our sponsors, Walker’s Crisps and the planet Mercury.

b>Michael Caine: Can anyone here direct us to the nearest gentlemen’s club?

[Gary stands.]

Gary: Uh, actually, uh…I know I’m going to regret this, but I’m headed to one right now.

b>Peter O’Toole: Othello!

Gary: Look, man, my name is Gary, you know what I’m saying? But wegotta get going, because after ten o’clock it’s a twenty dollar cover.

Peter O’Toole: Twenty dollars? Then we’d best hurry, for we arewithout money and have been so for ages! Exeunt!

[Peter moves toward the door, as Michael picks up a napkin dispenserand puts his hand on Gary’s shoulder]

Michael Caine: So, is this your first time in Kingsbridge?

Gary: Uh…dude, you’re in Detroit.

Michael Caine: That’s what you get for letting O’Toole drive.

[Michael staggers off as the title graphic reappears.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 23rd, 2004

Jude Law

Ashlee Simpson

None

None
HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Kerry campaign with smiling Ed Gillespie (Seth Meyers) and hothead Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Zell Miller.

Transcript

Montage

Jude Law’s MonologueSummary: Female cast members fawn over Jude Law with a song.

Bio: Jude Law (1972-). Actor; named for the Beatles song “Hey Jude”; among the six films he appeared in this year are “Alfie”, “I ♥ Huckabees”, and “Closer”.

Transcript

Green ScreenSummary: In a parody of “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow”, an actor (Jude Law) struggles with the task of performing an entire movie in front of a green screen.

Dyson ToiletSummary: The only toilet with enough vacuum power to flush down ravioli.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from the last episode’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

The Presidential DebatesSummary: Now in their ninth debate, President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) repeat the themes they’ve already covered in previous debates.

Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, President George W. Bush, John Kerry.

Paris Hilton ApologizesSummary: Paris Hilton (Maya Rudolph) and sister Nicky (Jude Law) apologize for their recent use of the N-word.

Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton.

Transcript

Ashlee Simpson performs “Pieces Of Me”Bio: Ashlee Simpson (1984-). Singer/actress; younger sister of pop star Jessica Simpson; appeared regularly on “7th Heaven”.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: The Ghost of Babe Ruth (Horatio Sanz) and his hooker (Rachel Dratch) comment on the Red Sox curse.

Recurring Characters: Babe Ruth.

Transcript

Bush and BlairSummary: President Bush (Will Forte) and Prime Minister Tony Blair (Jude Law) hold a press conference.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Tony Blair.

“The Apprentice” PromoSummary: Dracula-garbed Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) records a promo for “The Apprentice.”

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Transcript

Jane EyreSummary: Classic literature comes to life as Jane Eyre (Rachel Dratch) watches helplessly as her employer, Mr. Rochester (Jude Law), sneaks off to the attic for sex.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s Colin Firth episode.

Ashlee Simpson attempts to perform “Autobiography”Note: Oops! Ashlee Simpson is caught red-handed for lip-synching when her earlier recorded performance is accidentally replayed. Flustered, she performs a “hoedown” before getting the hell off the stage as quickly as she can.

Bear CitySummary: The adventures of a post-meteor Earth populated by bears is documented this week by an automobile collision involving two bear drivers.

The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael CaineSummary: Peter O’Toole (Jude Law) and Michael Caine (Seth Meyers) will have a drink together anywhere — even if they’re not quite sure where it is they’re at.

Recurring Characters: Michael Caine, Peter O’Toole.

Transcript

Bear CitySummary: When a bear is caught mimicking his boss, he’s promptly fired.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

GreyhoundSummary: First-time bus riders (Jude Law, Amy Poehler) deal with crazy people during a layover.

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s cartoon, President Bush invents a de-gaying machine, which he haphazardly demonstrates on celebrities.

Note: This cartoon will later air in the episode hosted by Luke Wilson.

Cool PoliceSummary: Members of the Cool Police (Jude Law, Fred Armisen, Amy Poehler) legally dictate what’s cool and what’s not.

Merv the PervSummary: Merv (Chris Parnell) and his cousin (Jude Law) hit on women at the office Halloween party.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

Note: This sketch will later air as a Christmas party on the episode hosted by Colin Farrell.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 2

04b: Queen Latifah

Zinger vs. Snap

Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell
Dave “Zinger” Clinger…..Seth Myers
Sheila “Snaps” Alsnape…..Queen Latifah
Scientist 1 (Roz)…..Rachel Dratch

Head Scientist: Okay, everyone, listen up. We’ve got a code blue irrigation malfunction in reactor four. As of now, it has been contained, but we are risking a full-scale meltdown in the next five minutes if we don’t locate the leak.

Dave “Zinger” Clinger: Bad news, I couldn’t locate the leak, but I did locate the geek. You just got zinged. (Mimed shooting “zing” guns.) Zing!

Head Scientist: I think you all know Dr. Dave Clinger, otherwise know as Dr. Dave Zinger.

Zinger: Clinger’s my name and Zinging is my game. Seriously, though, let’s find some hazardous material. Speaking of which, if that cologne was any more toxic, all our kids are going to be born retarded. Huge zing! Can you hold that for me? (Mimes handing the head scientist a board, punches it karate-style and bows.) Zing!

Head Scientist: Please listen. If this radiation leak is not contained, everyone in a fifty-mile radius will experience their hair falling out, teeth falling out, skin blistering.

Sheila “Snaps” Alsnape: Let me see if I’ve got this right: hair falling out, teeth falling out, and skin blistering. Were you talking about the meltdown, or were you describing your girlfriend? Oh, snap!

Head Scientist: Allow me to introduce the final member of our team, Dr. Sheila Alsnape.

Snaps: My friends call me Sheila Al-snap on account of my snaps.

Zinger: Hello, Snaps.

Snaps: Hello, Zinger.

Head Scientist: Do you two know each other?

Zinger: Snaps and I went to school together – nuclear school. I finished at the top of the class. She finished on top of the class. (Mimes marching band with “zing” cymbals.)

Snaps: Yeah, yeah right. Good one, Zinger. Look, we should just get to work. Okay?

Head Scientist: My goodness, Zinger, you’re completely irradiated.

Snaps: Oh, hold on, false alarm. This was my virgin detector. (Mimes snapping a huge rubber band.) Aah, snap!

Zinger: What can I say, Snaps, you still got it. And by it, I mean hair on your butt. (Mimes guitar playing “Wild Zing.”)

Head Scientist: Yeah. We got it. Wild Zing.

Snaps: At least I got hair, Zinger. You’re so hairless Michael Jackson still invites you to sleepovers. Ooh, that one was so good I got to start my Snap Mobile! (Mimes a hard start of her snap mobile.)

Head Scientist: Doctors, please! The core reactor temperature is redlining. There isn’t time. That’s why I respectfully request that you hold a best three-out-of-five zing-slash-snap-off to determine a champion.

Zinger: He’s right. He’s right. We need to do something. If we don’t this radiation will spread faster than your thighs at a frat party. Zing pong anyone? (Zinger and Snaps mime playing pingpong.) Yeah! Game! Set! Match! Zing!

Snaps: Alright, look Zings, let’s just finish this fast. And from what I hear, nobody finishes faster than you. Aah! Mousetrap. (Miming setting a mouse trap) Cheese. Mouse, mouse, mouse. Aah, snap!

Scientist 1: Doctors I’m getting an alarmingly high Geiger reading of 120.

Head Scientist: Will you shut up, Roz! Can’t you see the zing-off is tied one-to-one!

Snaps: Hey Zinger, she’s getting a 120. Isn’t that what you got on your SAT’s? Oh, baby, it’s cold outside. Put on a coat. (Mimes putting a coat on Zinger and then snapping it.)

Zinger: SATs, hunh, well the only SAT’s I know about, listen to this one, Roz, you’re going to like it. The only SATs I know about is when your mama S-A-T on my F-A-C-E.

Snaps: (Punches Zinger in the face.) Don’t you ever talk about my mama.

Zinger: That was not cool on my part! I was way out of line! I am sorry! I am sorry! But to be fair, we were just joking around.

Head Scientist: Okay everybody, cool out. Now we’ll get to the meltdown in a minute. But first, I need to know where you two stand.

Zinger: Are we cool?

Snaps: Yeah, we’re cool.

Zinger: Alright, so we can call it a tie?

Snaps: Yeah, it’s a tie. Your face is exactly as ugly as your ass!

Zinger: No!

Snaps: Aah snap!

Zinger: No! That is not fair! I should have done something!

Submitted by: Greg Kyte

SNL Transcripts