Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Will Forte

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon —

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: [ slight awkward silence from goofing up the intro ] Here are tonight’s top stories.

Howard Dean announced an end to his Democratic presidential bid on Wednesday. Meanwhile, Dennis Kucinich is dropping out so that he can appear on the next episode of “The Littlest Groom”.

A new line of t-shirts for women has been introduced, based on “Sex And The City”, that features the words “I’m A Carrie”, “I’m a Miranda”, “I’m A Charlotte”, and “I’m A Samantha”. Women who purchase all four will get a free fifth shirt: “I’m A Moron”.

Tina Fey: According to a new study, walking 45 minutes, three times a week, can help aging adults think more clearly and improve decision-making. Whgile jogging five times a week cannot. [ shows picture of President Bush jogging ]

On tomorrow’s “Meet The Press”, Green Party leader Ralph Nader will announce whether he will sit out the 2004 election, or enter the race and cause George Bush to win by 3 votes. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, “Stay home, Nerd! You’re the reason we’re in this K-hole to begin with!”

Jimmy Fallon: Sources say that when Mattel decided to give Barbie a new boyfriend, they originally wanted to make him non-white. Sadly, the plan was nixed by KKK Ken. [ show image of Ken with KKK hood ]

Tina Fey: Starting Martch 29th, Ireland will ban smoking in public places, including offices and pubs. The transition is expected to go smoothly, because the Irish are known for their easy-going tempers and their respect for authority.

Polaroid is warning customers not to listen to the part of the Outkast song “Hey Ya” that tells people to “shake it like a Polaroid picture”, because that could actually ruin the pictures. While, in a related story, Bacardi is warning shorties to be responsible and not sip Bacardi like it’s “Dey birfday.”

Jimmy Fallon: The New York Yankees outbid the Boston Red Sox to obtain baseball superstar Alex Rodriguiz. In the end, the Yankees were able to offer him something the Red Sox couldn’t – a boyfriend.

With the help of two friends and $30,000, a Vietnamese farmer fufilled a dream he had of making his own helicopter from scratch. He then immediately fulfilled his other dream: dying in a fiery helicopter crash.

Tina Fey: February is Black History Month. Here onw, with some personal thoughts on the subject, our very own Kenan Thompson.

Will Forte: Hi, everyone! Happy Black History Month! Wow!

Tina Fey: Will! Will, where’s Kenan? Kenan is supposed to be doing this.

Will Forte: Uh, yeah, Tina, uh.. Kenan overslept.

Tina Fey: Well, then.. okay, then, Finesse should be out here.

Will Forte: Finesse, I believe, is entertaining a lady in his dressing room.

Tina Fey: Okay.. then, how about Maya?

Will Forte: Tina! [ chuckles ] ..it’s not Half-Black History Month.

Jimmy Fallon: Just let him do the Black History Month piece, Tina.

Will Forte: Yeah, thank you, Dawg!

Jimmy Fallon: No problem, dude.

Will Forte: Okay, first of all, let me start by wishing all the black people here in our audience a happy Black History Month. [ looks around ] Okay.. let’s see.. Right there! You! [ points into the audience ] Happy Black History Month! Okay.. where else..? Right there! [ points to another part of the audience ] No? My mistake. Okay.. anywhere else? [ looks around some more ] You! Definitely! Okay. So.. Happy Black History Month, to you, and you – and, sorry again, to you.

O-kay. What do I know about black history? Michael Jordan! He’s certainly black. Uh.. and I’m proud of him. Not just for what he did on the basketball court, but also for the Michael Jordan steakhouse. Excellent steaks.. from an excellent black.

Okay.. let’s see.. what else about Black History Month..? [ thinking ] Oh! Rap! I love rap! P. Diddy.. Eminem.. Luther Vandross..

Tina Fey: Will! Will! Do you know anything about black history? You want to talk about.. Martin Luther King, or civil rights?

Will Forte: Look, those are great ideas, Dawg!

Tina Fey: Okay.. I-I’d really like it if you didn’t call me “Dawg”.

Will Forte: Oh, I’m sorry, Boo.

Tina Fey: Yeeeah.. “Boo” is not cool, either.. and you’re running out of time.

Will Forte: Okay. Well, then, I’ll cut right to the chase, Tizzlezina Fizzlezey. Okay! Martin Luther King? Yea! Slavery? Boo-oo-oo! End of slavery? Yea! Michael Jordan? Yes! Eminem? Double Yes! and that’s Black History Month. Goooooooo, blacks! [ points to audience ] You! And you! Gimme a B! [ no response ] No? Okay! Happy Black History Month, everybody!

Tina Fey: Will Forte, everybody. Will Forte.

Jimmy Fallon: This week, Georgia’s board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word “Evolution” when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called “Jesus Horses.”

Tina Fey: A controversial new discipline policy at Lawrence middle School in New Jersey, is limiting students to just 15 bathroom breaks a month. Plus one additional bathroom break if you need to give birth to your baby.

PETA has invited 500 students to participate in a giant nude protest in Harvard Square, under the banner “Fur out, love in.” Although, with 500 PETA girls there, I bet there will still be a fair amount of fur.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon. Good luck at the Oscars, Bill, we’re rootin’ for you!

Tina Fey: Yeah! I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Sex And The City

Carrie…..Amy Poehler
Charlotte…..Maya Rudolph
Miranda…..Rachel Dratch
Samantha…..Christina Aguilera

Voiceover: And now the final episode of “Sex and the City.”

[Sex and the City theme]

Carrie: [voiceover] The worst thing about going abroad was that I missed the other broads, and my brood of broads was broadly brooding, over me.

[The girls are in a bar sitting at a table]

Miranda: [holding a baby] You guys, I miss Carrie.

Charlotte: I miss her face. I miss her cute puns.

Samantha: I miss telling her all the guys that I’m screwing.

Carrie: [coming] You guys! I’m back!

Charlotte: Carrie, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Paris.

Carrie: I came back early because I’ve made a very big decision. I’m gonna marry Big!

Charlotte, Samantha, Miranda: Ohh!!

Charlotte: You made a big, big decision.

Miranda: What about the Russian?

Carrie: Oh! The Russian and I broke up. I have Stalingraduated from that relationship. He was a red square. Ahahaha!

Charlotte: God, Carrie, I missed your hilarious puns so much! [to Samantha] Hey, do more!

Samantha: Your Kremlin turned out to be a Gremlin.

Carrie: Ahahaha. He said I wore too much Moskaula. He’s back in the USSR and I do know how lucky I R.

Charlotte: YAY! I’ve got an announcement too. Harry and I have decided to adopt a baby.

Carrie: Ohh!

Miranda: [holds up her baby] You want this one. I hate it!

Charlotte: OK.

Miranda: Here. [hands her baby over]

Charlotte: Look! I’m a mommy.

Carrie: That’s a pretty good trade. Who’s your storkbroker. Ahahaha!

Charlotte: Yay, puns! I love puns!

Samantha: Well, as long as we’re on the topic of big announcements, I have something to tell you all! I’m a dude!

Charlotte: Well, you certainly date like one.

Samantha: I’m not joking. I’m a dude! I’ve been hiding my candy from you for the last six years!

Carrie: Waaiit a minute! A-a-are you saying that you-you’re a –

Samantha: A tranny –

Miranda: Wait, you’re a –

Samantha: A drag queen, a shanghai surprise, a plum smuggler –

Charlotte: You are a –

Samantha: A private dick.

Miranda: Ok, ok we get it.

Samantha: A weenie in a bottle.

Carrie: Ah-ah, how could I not have known this?

Miranda: I thought you had breast cancer?

Samantha: Well, I did have a lump, but it turns out it was a third testicle. I’m fine.

Carrie: This whole time we thought you were dying, you were having a ball! Ahaha haha haha haha haha haha!

Charlotte: So, you really are a guy?

Samantha: My name is Sa-man-tha and I do live in the Meat packing district, hello!

Charlotte: Well, you’re still my friend and I love you.

Carrie: Here’s to all the Sex we’ve had in this City.

Samantha: Sweet lady New York, you are the fifth whore at this table.

[Carrie’s home]

Carrie: [voiceover] Later that night I got to thinking about Samantha and what kind of puns I can make about her. Maybe something like “You got she-mail” or “Tranny get your gun” and then I wondered, did it matter? Samantha had lied about having a penis, but were we lying about having ha-penis. O-o! Computer Mail Pun-ction. O-o-o well, Bye, everybody, enjoy “The Sopranos.”

[end]

Submitted by: John-Patrick Penano

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Goodnights

…..Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera: [ pulls gum out of her mouth and hides it ] Thanks so much, everybody! And thanks to Maroon 5 for coming.Thanks for making my first time here a special one. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

You’re Fired

Linda…..Amy Poehler
Mr. Williams…..Chris Parnell
Sandy…..Will Forte

[ Linda enters Mr. Williams’ office ]

Linda: I was going to order lunch, sir.

Mr. Williams: Uh, goodie! Let’s see.. get me a turkey sandwich – rye toast. And, Linda, make sure it has lots of mustard on it. I don’t want to be able to taste the turkey.

Linda: Should I just get it without the turkey, sir?

Mr. Williams: No, no! Keep the turkey, I like its slippery texture. Just make sure there’s a buttload of mustard.

Linda: Yes, Mr. Williams. Would you like me to send in Sandy, now?

Mr. Williams: [ sighs ] Sure. Might as well get this over with. Toughest part of my job, Linda – firing people, that is.

Linda: Yes, sir.

[ Linda exits, as belligerant employee Sandy enters ]

Mr. Williams: [ sighs again ] Go ahead and.. take a seat, Sandy.

Sandy: Whatever!

Mr. Williams: Sandman! How long you been with us now?

Sandy: [ sneering ] I don’t know!

Mr. Williams: Ah, it’s probably been close to a month now.. is that about right?

Sandy: I guess so. It feels longer.

Mr. Williams: Well, Sandy, I really don’t see how that can be possible, seeing that you’re barely here.

Sandy: I get sick a lot!

Mr. Williams: Well.. a lot is a bit of an understatement, m’man. It says here, in the month you’ve been with us, you’ve called in sick 18 times. For reasons ranging from “hysterical blindness” to.. “The Elephant Man’s disease.” I don’t think you have the Elephant Man’s disease.

Sandy: Not any more! I pounded some Vitamin C, slept it off!

Mr. Williams: [ sighs ] Do you know what time the work day starts around here?

Sandy: Nine!

Mr. Williams: And.. when do you get in?

Sandy: Eleven, usually; sometimes two!

Mr. Williams: Doesn’t that strike you as odd?

Sandy: No way, Jose! I work from home!

Mr. Williams: No, you don’t.

Sandy: So?!

Mr. Williams: [ sighs ] So, I’m gonna have to let you go..

Sandy: What?!!

Mr. Williams: You’re fired, Sandy.

Sandy: [ outraged ] What?!! no way, Jose!

Mr. Williams: I’m afraid so.

Sandy: Oh, fine! Fire me! I’ll call my uncle! The law-yer!

Mr. Williams: What for?

Sandy: To sue your butt right out of those fancy pants you’re wearing! This is RACISM!!

Mr. Williams: [ nearly speechless ] We’re noth WHITE!!

Sandy: I mean, this is SEXISM!!

Mr. Williams: This has nothing to do with SEX!!

Sandy: It has everything to do with SEX!! [ a beat ] I got what you want, and it drives you crazy, knowing you’ll never get it!

Mr. Williams: What are you TALKING about?!

Sandy: Don’t act like you don’t know. I’ve seen the way you look at my body – the knowing glances, the haunting stares.

Mr. Williams: [ confused and appalled ] WHAT?!

Sandy: I’ve felt your hot breath on the back of my neck while you look over me as I sleep at my desk!

Mr. Williams: That is a DAMN LIE!!

Sandy: OR IS IT THE DAMN TRUTH!!!

Mr. Williams: IT’S A LIE AND YOU KNOW IT!! NOW, SHUT UP!!

Sandy: NO WAY, JOSE!!

Mr. Williams: STOP USING MY FIRST NAME, IT’S DISRESPECTFUL!!!

[ Linda rushes into the room ]

Linda: Is everything okay in here?!

Sandy: Ah, not unless you consider sexual harrassment o-kay!

Mr. Williams: Linda, he’s lying!!

Sandy: Ohhh.. give me that sandwich! [ seizes Mr. Williams’ sandwich from Linda’s hand ] FREEDOM!!! [ throws himself at the huge office window, landing on the ground directly outside the window ]

Mr. Williams: You know we’re on the first floor?!!

Sandy: I know! But I got your sandwich! Ha ha!!

[ a passing jogger grabs the sandwich and keeps running ]

Sandy: Come back with my stolen sandwich!!

[ Mr. Williams laughs at the irony of the stolen sandwich ]

Linda: [ sits down in front of Mr. Williams’ desk ] Oh, my God! How horrible! I can’t believe he accused you of sexual harrassment!

Mr. Williams: There, there.. it’s okay, Linda. [ massages her shoulders ] There’s a lot of creeps out there. [ lowers his hands to touch her breasts ]

Linda: Hey!!

[ Mr. Williams’ raises his hands in surrender, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Aguilera Concert Backstage

…..Christina Aguilera
Assistant…Fred Armisen
Star Jones…..Kenan Thompson
Al…..Finesse Mitchell
Patti LaBelle…..Maya Rudolph
Sharon Osbourne…..Amy Poehler
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Kelly Osbourne…..Rachel Dratch

[open on stock footage of Christina Aguilera concert with final lines of “Dirrty”]

[dissolve to Christina and her assistant in dressing room]

Assistant: Oh, I love you Christina honey, you’re really going for it! You okay?

Christina: [out of breath] Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just tired.

Assistant: Okay. Listen, a couple of celebrities want to say hi. Do you want to change first?

[assistant turns and his pink shirt can be seen to read, “I DID JUSTIN THREE TIMES”]

Christina: No, no, no, I’m good. I’m going to sit down and towel off. [sits with a towel]

Assistant: Okay, you just towel down, okay. Here is Star Jones.

[assistant opens door, Star and Al enter]

Star: Oh! How is my baby?!

Christina: How you doing?

[Christina and Star hug]

Star: Oh, my lord, have you met my fiance, Al?

Christina: I haven’t; congratulations!

[Al and Christina shake hands]

Al: Hey, thanks a lot. That was amazing.

Christina: Thanks, thanks a lot.

Star: Listen, you go for it, girlfriend. I don’t care what they say. With that voice, you can skank up the whole house if you want to!

Christina: [clears throat] Thank you.

Star: Yeah, you can sang, girl! That’s what matters. You gonna work that nasty stank box any way you want to. [Christina’s posture becomes less receptive] I mean, wave it, shave it, whatever. ‘Cause you got the voice of a angel.

Al: Straight up, an angel.

Christina: Thanks, but, ah, I really don’t see myself as a skank.

Assistant: [opening door] Christina, here’s Patti LaBelle.

[Patti enters]

Patti: Waaaaa-wooooo! What a night! Where’s my sweet, skanky ho?!

Christina: Hey, Patti, how you doing?

[Christina and Patti hug]

Patti: Oh, baby!

Star: Patti LaBelle! Have you met my fiance?

Patti: Hey, how you doing, Stedman? [Al shrugs nonplussedly] Waaaaa-wooooo! Little girl! Let me tell you, your pipes as good as mine!

Christina: Oh, my–G–th–Coming from you, Patti, that–

Patti: Oh, oh, oh! To hell with them critics, baby. If you want to spread that dripping honeypot, go ahead! ‘Cause y’all got something them other trick bitches don’t; you got a voice! Y’all can do the Washington Redskins up and down for all I care. Go ahead, girl!

Star: That is what I am saying. Christina, girl, you can get it backdoor from the Harlem Boys Choir if you want to. You can sing!

Christina: Um, thanks, but, honestly, you guys, I like to express my sexuality on stage, but because I’m a woman, people call me a…a “whore” for it.

Patti: Oh, oh, oh! Whatever, whatever! Work that nasty fuzzy cup, baby! [pelvic thrusts] See, Janet, dropping her booby, out like that [gestures with hand], but she don’t have your pipes, girl! Y’all can bang Rocky and Bullwinkle for all I care, ’cause you can back it up!

[Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne enter]

Sharon: Hello, everybody! Hello! Yay!

Patti: Yeah!

Sharon: Hello! Hello, Patti! [hugs her]

Patti: Oh!

Sharon: And hello, Star! Congratulations, Stedman!

Al: It’s Alan.

Sharon: Oh, oh, oh, my God. There she is, our little songbird.

Christina: Hi, Sharon.

Ozzy: [unintelligible]

Christina: Thank you, thanks, thanks a lot.

Sharon: Christina, I’ve got to tell you, that was so gorgeous! Who cares if you grind your filthy bum [pumps her arms and gyrates] and shake your man-hungry poon trap? Your voice is like a velvet embrace!

Ozzy: [with unintelligible mumbling] I don’t care if I can smell your muff…voice is…shaft of pure light…live in it just like a f***ing…

Sharon: I agree, Ozzy! I agree! Kelly, Kelly, come in here. Come in here, Kelly. [Kelly Osbourne enters] Apologize to Christina.

Kelly: I’m sorry. You’re so much more than a worn out spunk barge.

Sharon: And? And?

Kelly: And, if I had your voice and body, I’d probably be secure enough to be a nob-gobbling road whore, too.

Sharon: Yay! Time for a hug, everybody, a hug!

Christina: Uh-uh, no. Okay, first of all, you guys don’t get it. You’re buying into the same double standard about men and women that I sing about on my records. Weren’t you listening to any of the lyrics I was singing about on stage: “The guys get all the glory the more they can score, while the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore?” I’m just expressing myself and being open and comfortable in my female sexuality and being, you know, strong and secure in my artistic ability.

[Ozzy screams and falls onto a table, breaking it]

Christina: Oh, my God, what just happened?

Sharon: Oh, my God! You made Ozzy think! Somebody get some warm milk and some Vicoden.

Kelly: Dad, don’t die again!

Sharon: Ozzy!

Star: [to Al] Stedman, do something! [smacks him]

[Al kneels to try to help Ozzy]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 21st, 2004

Christina Aguilera

Maroon 5

None HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) rants against same-sex marriage.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Rosie O’Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Note: The graphic for “Rosie O’Donnell” pops up when the camera cuts to Gary Bauer.

Montage

Christina Aguilera’s MonologueSummary: Jimmy Fallon presents a clip from Weekend Update, in which he makes fun of Christina Aguilera’s skank appeal. Meanwhile, Lorne Michaels and the male cast members want her to “whore up” her wholesome appearance. Aguilera ultimately sings her song “Beautiful.”

Also Appeared: 99p, 02o.

Sex And The CitySummary: The final episode reveals that Samantha (Christina Aguilera) is really a man.

Transcript

Do You Know Who My Father Is?Summary: Contestants use their parental clout to win on the game show.

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio”, Pat O’Brien can’t stop wondering “What was Britney thinking?!”

History Channel’s Celebration of WomenSummary: Phil Donahue (Darrell Hammond) profiles the first woman (Christina Aguilera) to stand up to her husband.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

Maroon 5 performs “This Love”Bio: Maroon 5’s vocalist/guitarist Adam Levine, keyboardist Jesse Carmichael, bassist Mickey Madden and drummer Ryan Dusick started the band as Kara’s Flowers while attending Brentwood High School together. They changed their name in 2001 after adding guitarist James Valentine to the lineup.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: White guy Will Forte comments on Black History Month.

Transcript

You Got Served!Summary: Venice beachgoers face a dance-off with their rivals.

Aguilera Concert BackstageSummary: Various celebrities vist Christina Aguilera backstage after her concert.

Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy Osbourne.

Transcript

Besos Y LagrimasSummary: Contorted facial expressions dominate infidelity on a Spanish soap opera.

Note: The title translates as “Kisses and Hugs.”

Note: This sketch was cut from last season’s Salma Hayek episode.

Huggies ThongSummary: With less padding, Huggies Thongs are more fashionable but not as effective as conventional diapers.

Note: Repeat from 10/04/03.

You’re FiredSummary: The boss’s (Chris Parnell) sandwich is stolen after he fires Sandy, the belligerant slacker employee (Will Forte).

Transcript

Maroon 5 performs “Harder To Breathe”

Don’s ApothecarySummary: Don (Horatio Sanz) embarrasses customers who are shopping for personal care items.

Recurring Characters: Don.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

A Very Special Valentine’s Versace

Donatella Versace….Maya Rudolph
Elton John….Horatio Sanz
Courtney Love….Drew Barrymore
Madonna….Amy Poehler

Caption: A Very Special Valentine’s Versace.

[Opens with a mansion’s living room where the always worn and tired Donatella Versace is singing “The Love Boat” theme song into a microphone and smoking. Four beefed-up man servants shirtless and in tight shorts dance and vogue around her.]

Donatella Versace: [sings in a hoarse voice] Love exciting and new, come aboard we’re expecting you….the love boat.[stops singing, man servants stand aside] Hello peoples. I’m Donatella Versace and this is my Valentine’s Day Special. Tickling the ivories among other things, and by that I mean dude’s testicles, is Sir Elton John.

[Elton sits at his piano, white angel wings on the back of his white tuxedo.]

Elton John: Donatella, you mysterious creature. You sing as good as you look.

Donatella Versace: And you look like the Pillsbury Doughboy in a bad rug. I love you Elton. Now shut up and sing with me, you fruit cocktail.

Elton John: [plays piano, sings] Don’t go breaking my heart….

Donatella Versace: [sings, hoarse voice] I couldn’t if I tried….

Elton John: [sings] Oh, honey if I get restless….

Donatella Versace: [sings, hoarse voice]Baby, you’re not the kind….

Elton and Donatella: [sing]Whoo-hoo! Nobody knows it…[Donatella throws a champagne glass against the wall, it shatters and the music stops]

Donatella Versace: Thanks for that treat, Elton. That was great. Ok, my first guest used to be interesting but now she’s kind of a boring jerk. Please welcome, Madonna.

[Madonna enters with a very conservative suit on and a book on her hands]

Madonna: [fake British accent] Hello Donatella. Happy Valentine’s Day. I brought you something.

Donatella Versace: [excited]Oh, Madonna! Its a present for me? Give it to me, give it to me, faster, hand it over![takes the book] What the hell is this?

Madonna: Its my new children’s book. Its the story of one little girl’s discovery of the Kabbalah.

Donatella Versace: Kabbalah? That sounds Ka-boring. Madonna, let’s smoke and have some champagne.

Madonna: No, thank you, Donatella. I don’t pollute my body with those things. I like to be present and in control.

Donatella Versace: Oh, were you in control when you let Dennis Rodman bone you sideways? Now, do me a favor and GET OUT!!!![Madonna leaves] Oh, Madonna. I love her so much. Hey, Elton make up a Valentine’s Day song while I sink 50 cigarettes to calm myself down.[Donatella lights up a fat stack of ciggies]

Elton John: How about this Donatella? [sings]Oh Valentine you’ll never know…anything about my home….

Donatella Versace: Somebody please wake me from this nightmare.[Sound of car crashing]Uh-oh, I’d recognize that car crash anywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, Courtney Love.

Courtney Love: [from outside the room] Donatella! Let me in YOU BITCH![a drugged out Courtney flies through the glass door into the floor, gets up]I accidentally drove over 4 of your birdbaths on my way in.

Donatella Versace: Oh, thanks a million Courtney. I hate birds. Hey, look. I made you a dress.[gives Courtney a hanger with little strips of cloth on it]

Courtney Love: Oh, I love it.[throws hanger away, points to Elton]Hey, I know you! I slept with you!

[Elton laughs at the silly notion]

Elton John: Ha,ha,ha. No.

Donatella Versace: That’s Elton John, you dummy.

Courtney Love: Oh, sorry. I thought it was Rosie O’Donnell. This party sucks! I’m gonna trash the place.

Donatella Versace: Knock yourself out. This place is a rental anyway. Just whatever you do don’t trash that curio cabinet over there filled with my precious moments figurines.

[Courtney goes over to the curio cabinet]

Courtney Love: Oh, yeah? Not these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Not those. I’ve collected those for 16 years. They’re precious to me. Do not touch.

Courtney Love: So you saying you don’t want me to trash these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Correct. Do not trash those. You can trash anything else in the house your heart desires. Just not those.

Courtney Love: Not these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Nope. Not those.

Courtney Love: Ok. Cause I wanted to be sure.

Donatella Versace: Okey-dokey, smokey.

Courtney Love: Can I start trashing the place now?

Donatella Versace: Yeah, go for it.

[Courtney takes the figurines and starts throwing them, smashing them to pieces]

Courtney Love: Take that! YEAH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[Face to face]

Donatella Versace: YOU BITCH!

Courtney Love: NO! YOU ARE THE BITCH!

Donatella Versace: NO! YOU ARE THE BITCH!

Courtney Love: YOU ARE THE BITCHIEST BITCH OF THE EAST!

Donatella Versace: YOU ARE THE BITCH MASTER!

Courtney Love: If you owned an airline it would be called JET BITCH!

Donatella Versace: If you had cat food it would be called FANCY BITCH! Or perhaps Tender Bitches?

Courtney Love: If you owned a chain of cheap Mexican restaurants it would be TACO BITCH!

Donatella Versace: What do you cook your Japanese steaks on? A Hi-Bitchy!

[Elton comes between them]

Elton John: Girls, girls, girls. You’re both terrible dried-up bitches. It seems to me you’re forgetting the true meaning of Valentine’s day. Getting loaded and having bathroom sex with whoever walks in.

Donatella Versace: Oh, you magical, magical wiener smoker. You’re right. Hey, who wants to spin the bottle?

Courtney Love: I do.

[Courtney grabs a champagne bottle, swings it, Elton ducks and it smashes on Donatella’s head. It barely moves her]

Donatella Versace: That was fantastic.

Caption: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Diana Ross…..Maya Rudolph
Roberta…..Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Tina Fey: On Friday, the White House released 400 pages of President Bush’s military records. Yet, it is still not yet clear whether Bush was AWOL for almost a year from the Texas National Guard. Nor does it explain, the President’s eight-month tour of duty on the Kiss Army.
[ photo of Bush in Kiss make-up ]

Cartoon character Cathy finally got engaged to her boyfriend, in today’s Valentine edition of her strip. Meanwhile, Marcie and Peppermint Patty are moving to Massachusetts.

Jimmy Fallon: An internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said, “Close, but no cigar.”

A researcher in Seattle has produced a mathematical formula to predict the outcome of any marriage. And, here it is: X + Jennifer Lopez = 0.

Tina Fey: A U.S. born panda, named Hua Mei, will soon be returned to her ancestral homeland of China, where she is expected to be delicious.

Jimmy Fallon: The head of the Philly Phanatic, the mascot for the Philadelphia Phillies, has gone missing. Police want to question this man.
[ photo of thief wearing the Phanatic head ]

Tina Fey: Because of friction between the U.S. and Brazil, it was announced that a float at this year’s Carnivale will be a 12-foot sculpture of Uncle Sam with his pants down, and his genitals in plain sight – or, as Bill Clinton calls it: “business casual.”

According to a report by the New York City Council, not enough pharmacies are stocking the Morning After birth-control pill, despite a law requiring them to carry it. And, at the pharmacies that do carry it, I’d appreciate a little less attitude.

Jimmy Fallon: A suprising new survey shows that women over 40 spend the greatest amount of time playing online games.

Tina Fey: [ smoking a cigarette ] Yeah, well, I’ll tell ya.. it’s beats drinking alone.

Jimmy Fallon: Michael McGuire —

Tina Fey: It really does.

Jimmy Fallon: I know, I know – I heard you the first time. Yeah, yeah – good for you. Good luck!

Michael McGuire, a prisoner in Nebraska, escaped from a hospital by using a fake gun he had made out of toilet paper. The plan turned tragic, however, when he used a real gun to wipe himself.

Tina Fey: This week, soul diva Diana Ross was sentenced to two days in jail for her drunk driving arrest in Tucson last year. Here now, via satellite from a women’s prison in Los Angeles, is Diana Ross.

[ cut to Diana Ross behind bars in prison ]

Diana Ross: Oooooooh! Hello, Tina! Ow!

Tina Fey: Hi, Diana. How’s it going?

Diana Ross: Not good, Tina! I’m in jail! and, let me tell you something – in jail, they do not call me “Miss Ross.” They call me “Inmate #54899-B.” Ow!

Tina Fey: Wow. So, how are they treating you in there?

Diana Ross: Jail is not a spa, Tina. I realized that, once I got here and looked around for the sauna and the bowl of fresh, green apples. All I found was a tiny rom with a stinky little terlet with no lid, and a very grumpy bunkmate named Roberta.

[ Roberta the bunkmate paces the cell behind Diana, making her nervous and scared ]

Tina Fey: Well, since we’ve got you here on live TV, is there anything you want to say to your fans?

Diana Ross: Yessssss! Tina-na-naaa! What I would like to say is: Remember that scene in “Mahogony”, those fantastic photos of me looking glamorous in Rome! Jail is not like that, Tina. Although, really, there is someone that’s a dead-ringer for Billy Dee Williams – except her name is Roberta! [ Roberta paces behind Diana ] I mean, she got a moustache and everything!

Tina Fey: How long have you been in there so far, Miss Ross?

Diana Ross: About twenty minutes! I’m not gonna make it, Tina!

Tina Fey: It’s okay, it’s okay, Diana. You’ll be okay.

Diana Ross: No, it’s not! They took away my Emory board and my hot comb! I’m freakin’ out, Tina!

Tina Fey: Ohhhh, I am so sorry —

Diana Ross: Hey, Tinaaaaaaaa!! Remember in the 1960’s, when I was in the fabulous girl-group The Supremes?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Diana Ross: And I had twelve #1 songs and eighten Top 10 hits?

Tina Fey: Yes. Of course. We all remember that, yeah.

Diana Ross: Jail is not like that either, Tina! It’s quite the opposite! One minute, you’re returning your copy of “V.I. Warshawski” to a Blockbuster in Tucson; and, the next thing you know, you’re in the hoosegow! I’m in the pokie, Tina! I’m in the joint! The slammer! The clink! The can! [ Roberta moves close on Diana ] Uh-oh, I gotta go.. Roberta needs to go to sleep, and she says if I make any noise she’s gonna shank me! Tina-na-naaa!

Tina Fey: Diana Ross! Diana Ross, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

The White Stripes

Police Officer…Kenan Thompson
Commissioner…Chris Parnell
Jack White…Jimmy Fallon
Meg White…Drew Barrymore

[Opens up to the Police Commissioner’s office]

Police Officer: Commissioner! The First National Bank is being robbed. You gotta do something! Fast!

Commissioner: Great Caesar’s ghost! The First National! Well, there’s only two people we can call.

Police Officer: You don’t mean…

Commissioner: I do!

[Reaches for telephone]

Commissioner: Get me The White Stripes!

[changes scene to The White Stripes’ home]

[phone rings]

[Meg picks up the phone]

Meg White: [mutters some words] Hello? Commissioner.

Jack White: What is it Meg?

Meg White: [mutters some words]

Jack White: A robbery? The First National Bank? Let’s go!

[Music: The White Stripes – Seven Nation Army (normal tempo)]

Jack White: [sings and plays guitar]
“We’re gonna fight some crime,
we’re gonna go down by the robbery,
They’re gonna do some time,
cause me and Meg are the calvary.

When the commissioner and policemen call,
we gotta save the day.

As soon as we finish this song,
we’ll do it right away.

Cause whenever you’re in trouble,
you know you gotta call The White Stripes.”

[Jack plays guitar solo]

[phone rings]

Jack White: Wait Meg, wait Meg. Hold on, hold on.

[picks up telephone]

Jack White: Hello?

Commissioner: The White Stripes?

Jack White: Yeah.

Commissioner: Yeah, don’t bother coming by the bank. You’re too late, the bank’s been robbed, the crooks got away.

Jack White: Oh.

Commissioner: You know, you don’t always have to sing your theme song before you go fight crime. It really ends up taking a long time.

Jack White: Sorry about that.

Meg White: [mutters in low voice to Jack] Is there anyway we can make it up?

Jack White: Great idea Meg! Hey, is there any way we can make it up to you?

Commissioner: Well, the City Museum of Art is being robbed right now, can you be there in five minutes?

Jack White: Sure we can!

[hangs up phone]

Jack White: Let’s go Meg! One, Two, Three

[Music: The White Stripes – Seven Nation Army (faster tempo)]

[fades out of scene]

[Newspaper title: WHITE STRIPES ROCK HARDER THAN EVER. ART MUSEUM ROBBED IN GREATEST ART THEFT IN HISTORY.]

Submitted by: CaberrorXE

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Prince Show

Prince…..Fred Armisen
Beyonce…..Maya Rudolph
Pink…..Drew Barrymore
George Clinton….Kenan Thompson

[Open to a stage with a purple-lighted background and fog, “Prince Show” title showing. Prince steps out in a purple suit, guitar slung behind him, arms raised. He walks towards the microphone, slowly lowering his arms.]

Prince: [echo] Dearly Beloved… We are gathered here to get through this thing called… [raises and lowers his arms again] my talk show. So dig, if you will, my co-host… Miss Beyonce Knowles!

[Grabs his guitar and begins playing the opening theme]

[Beyonce struts out in a pink dress]

Beyonce: Whoo!

[Sways seductively back and forth]

Beyonce: [sings] Prince Shoooow!

Prince: [sings] Everybody wants to be free…

Beyonce: [sings] It’s Prince Shoooooow!

Prince: [sings in falsetto] In the back of my limosine!

Beyonce: [steps to the other side of Prince, singing] It’s Prince’s own shoooooow!

Prince: [sings in falsetto] Come and take a ride with me…

Both: [singing] Join me under the waterfall and climb the rainbow tree!

Prince: Yeah!

Beyonce: It’s the Prince Show, ya’ll!

[Prince whispers in Beyonce’s ear]

Beyonce: Prince wants everyone to relax and enjoy his show.

[Prince whispers in her ear again, afterwards slyly smoothing his hair]

Beyonce: He’s really excited about it, but not sure how long he wants to stay.

[“Prince Show” title shows with a dove flying]

Female Announcer: It’s the Prince Talk Show, with co-host, Beyonce Knowles.

[Both sit on the same seat, with lighted candles all around them]

Prince: Thank you. My first guest is a magical diva. Please welcome… Pink.

[Pink runs out wearing a punk, black outfit, ecstatic]

Pink: Heeey, ya’ll! Let’s get this party started! Rock and roll! This is like a dream!

[She sits on a lush, white sofa]

[Prince quickly whispers to Beyonce]

Beyonce: Pink, I have a message for you from Prince. Please don’t make any direct eye contact with him.

Pink: Yo, I’m sorry, that’s just the street in me!

Prince: So Pink, I wonder… What makes you mad?

Pink: Posers, fakes, jerks and turds. Oh yeah… and those people who illegally download music from the internet? You SUUUUUCK!

[Prince looks up at Beyonce with a “hush” finger over his mouth, shaking his head]

Beyonce: Uh… Prince wants you to calm down a little.

Pink: Yo, OK, I mean, I’m just unpredictable. I mean, I can do this…

[Sticks her tongue out to the camera with a one-handed Devil’s Horns sign]

Pink: …and I can do this…

[Stands up and does a pose, sticking her tongue out, grabbing her crotch and flashing a Devil’s Horns sign]

Pink: …you know, and if you push me real hard, I might do THIS in your face!

[Kicks at the camera]

Pink: You know, I like to make… bold statements.

[Sits down again]

Prince: Yo, Pink… Do you live a life… deluxe? [Smirks at the camera]

Pink: Yo, my life is hard-CORE deluxe! I mean, I got a lot going on, you know, with producing, and hanging out with my girlfriends, and working on my stomach muscles…

[Pink looks up and Prince suddenly disappears]

Pink: Hello! Did he just get up and walk out of here while I was talkin’?

[Beyonce raises a hand]

Beyonce: Prince needs to light some candles now.

[Camera pans to Prince holding a lighter to a candle, smirking]

Pink: …well, what’s up? I’m I through? Should I stay?

Beyonce: Prince wants you to get into the bubble bath.

Pink: Yo… that’s freaky. But I’m all about getting freaky, I mean, that’s just Pink.

Beyonce: Yeah, Prince really wants you to take a bath now and be quiet.

Pink: A’ight!

[Pink gets up and goes to the back to get into the bath tub, water splashing]

[Prince returns to his seat]

Prince: My next guest is the Grandfather of Funk. Please welcome… Mr. George Clinton.

[Funky music plays and George Clinton comes out and sits, moving his dreads out from his face]

Prince: George, I wonder… What colors do you see when you turn out the lights?

George Clinton: Oh, I don’t see colors. I see planets. [starts to sing, funky music playing] Interplanetary groove, a-get on up, a-get on up. Inter-gotta-get-on-the-planetary groove, a-get on up. [falsetto] Get on UP! [music ends]

Prince: George, you are legendary. I’ve always wanted to ask you, I wonder… Would you ever wear… a cape? [slyly smooths his hair]

George Clinton: Why, I would wear a nation of capes! One on top of the other. And then I would peel each one of them back to reveal another, until I was left wearin’ nothin’ but a intergalactic, plasmatic, electromagnetic, lunar moon suit.

[Prince chuckles, amused]

Prince: I dig that. [voice suddenly goes low] Now, dig this.

[Puts a yellow stick mask over his face]

Beyonce: Uh-oh, George. Prince has put on his Wonder Mask!

[George stares, eyes wide, stunned]

Beyonce: Prince, what do you see?

[Organ starts to play]

Prince: [echo] I see Reggie, and I see Wanda! I see Simone and I see Electra. [sings, falsetto] I see Andre hiding in the snow! I see Marcus making love… I see Alexa tickling Camille with a rose. [voice low] I see Francine having sex with herself…

George Clinton: Man, well, let me take a look through that Wonder Mask!

Pink: Yo, how long I gotta stay in this bath tub? I’m straight up prunin’!

[Prince puts the mask down]

Prince: Until Pink becomes purple. I’m finished with this!

[Prince whispers in Beyonce’s ear]

Beyonce: OK.

[Beyonce gets up and vocalizes in different ranges, holding one arm out straight and a dove landing in her palm. Prince spins around doing weird arm movements.]

Beyonce: Whoo!

[Dove disappears]

[Theme music starts. Prince, Beyonce, and George dance with Prince doing swift arm movements. Pink is in the background doing rock poses.]

Beyonce: [sings] Prince Shooooow!

Prince: [sings] Everybody wants to be free…

Beyonce: [sings] It’s Prince Shoooooow!

Prince: [sings in falsetto] In the back of my limosine!

Beyonce: [sings] It’s Prince’s Prince Shooooow!

Prince: [sings in falsetto] Come and take a ride with me…

Both: [singing] Join me under the waterfall… climb the rainbow tree!

Prince: YEAH!

[“Prince Show” title shows. Everyone continues dancing.]

[Scene fades]

Submitted by: Tiara Cameron

SNL Transcripts