Month: October 2018

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Thomas Jefferson Meets Sally Hemings

Thomas Jefferson…..Robert De Niro
James Madison…..Chris Parnell
Statesman #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Statesman #2…..Will Forte
Maria…..Amy Poehler
Sally Hemings…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on interior, Monticello ]

Thomas Jefferson: I call them the Lazy Susans, because it’s round but flat, like Hamilton’s wife!

[ they all share a hearty laugh ]

James Madison: Oh, Thomas Jefferson, you are as great a wit as you are a statesman!

Thomas Jefferson: No more than you, James Madison!

[ Jefferson’s daughter Maria enters, with her slave Sally Hemings ]

Maria: Gentlemen. If you’d like to adjurn to the dining room, dinner is nearly served.

Thomas Jefferson: Maria.

Maria: Yes, Father?

Thomas Jefferson: Who is that? [ points to Sally ]

Maria: That’s Sally Hemings, Father. The new slave you inherited.

[ Jefferson moves in for the kill ]

Thomas Jefferson: Sally? I’m Thomas. Jefferson. The owner of this house.

Sally Hemings: I know who you are.

Thomas Jefferson: I just wanted to welcome you to Monticello. I hope you’ll be very happy here with us.

Sally Hemings: Well, I’m.. I’m just happy to be indoors.

Thomas Jefferson: [ chuckles ] That’s charming.

[ cut to ]

Statesman #1: Oh, brother, here he goes.

James Madison: [ sighs ] Like a bee to a blossom.

Statesman #2: What are you talking about?

Statesman #1: Don’t you read the papers? Everyone knows it. Thoams Jefferson only dates black chicks.

Statesman #2: No, really?

James Madison: You’ve never heard that? That’s totally his thing, everybody knows that!

[ cut back to Jefferson and Sally ]

Thomas Jefferson: Do you like the house?

Sally Hemings: Yes.

Thomas Jefferson: I designed it myself.

Sally Hemings: Oh.. it’s beautiful, sir.

Thomas Jefferson: Sir? What sir? No. please call me T.J.!

Sally Hemings: [ giggles ]

Thomas Jefferson: Did anyone ever tell you you look like.. a young Nefartiti?

Sally Hemings: Uh.. no. That’s a new one.

Thomas Jefferson: Your hair is so.. unusual. May I touch it.

Sally Hemings: Sure. [ titters as he touches her hair ]

[ cut to the statesmen watching ]

James Madison: [ sighs ] He doesn’t waste any time, does he?

Statesman #2: Maybe he hasn’t met the right white lady.

James Madison: No. That’s not it.

Statesman #1: He likes his women like he likes his coffee – hot, black, and first thing in the morning.

[ cut back to Jefferson and Sally ]

Thomas Jefferson: What kind of music are you in to?

Sally Hemings: Um.. I sometimes sing while I work.

Thomas Jefferson: Spirituals!

Sally Hemings: Yeah.

Thomas Jefferson: I love sprituals. Do you know.. [ singing ] “Go Down Moses”.

Sally Hemings: Oh! [ sings along ]

Together: “..when Moses was in Egypt land, let my people gooo!“

Sally Hemings: Yeah..

Thomas Jefferson: You have a great voice!

Sally Hemings: Oh! [ laughs ]

Thomas Jefferson: Really, a great voice! Have you ever thought about being a singer?

Sally Hemings: Um.. it’s really not an option for me.

Thomas Jefferson: Right. I forget sometimes, because I used to live in Paris.

Sally Hemings: Oh.

Thomas Jefferson: You know the French, they’re so free. Sa vrie, n’est-ce pas?

[ cut back to the statesmen ]

Statesman #2: He does seem smitten.

Statesman #1: Look at him, he’s working it hard!

James Madison: He’s probably telling her about her “inalienable rights”.

Statesman #1: Like liberty, and the pursuit of brown sugar!

[ they laugh ]

[ cut back to Jefferson and Sally ]

Thomas Jefferson: You know, if it were up to me, there would be no slavery. I mean, I wrote the Declaration of Independence, so that tells you where my head’s at! your hands are so.. so tiny..

Statesman #1: Hey, hey, Thomas! you coming to dinner!

Thomas Jefferson: I’ll join you.. presently. [ to Sally ] I’d like to take you out for corn cakes sometime.

Sally Hemings: Alright!

Thomas Jefferson: What time do you get off work?

Sally Hemings: Um.. never.

Thomas Jefferson: You’re fiery, Sally Hemings! I like that!

[ cut back to the statesmen ]

Statesman #2: I can’t believe I didn’t know this!

Statesman #1: Seriously, don’t you read the gossip columns? Jefferson’s got jungle fever..

James Madison: Franklin is a chubby chaser..

Statesman #1: John Adams is way into Asian chicks.

Statesman #2: Asians? Where does he meet them?

James Madison: Oh, he’s never actually seen one. But he’s heard descriptions, and they drive him crazy!

[ cut back to Jefferson and Sally ]

Thomas Jefferson: I think I could love you, Sally Hemings.

Sally Hemings: You’re the boss.

[ dissolve to still photo footage of Jefferson’s descendents ]

Tracy Morgan Voiceover: And so, Thomas Jefferson fathered six children by Sally Hemings. But those children have never been recognized by the Jefferson Family. President Jefferson’s African-American descendents are now scattered allthroughout the United States. Their legacy unacknowledged, their inheritance unclaimed.

[ dissolve to Tracy Morgan wearing a snazzy-ass coat ]

Tracy Morgan: Which is why somebody owes me a million dollars, man! Get what I’m sayin’? I need to get paid, man! I got four more payments left on this coat!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Judge Horace

Judge Horace…..Tracy Morgan
Judge Horace’s Mama V/O…..Tracy Morgan
Bailiff…..Will Forte
Plaintiff…..Robert De Niro
Defendent…..Horatio Sanz

Judge Horace: [ addressing camera from his chambers ] In my neighborhood, we had to make do with what we had! So that’s why I used things right around my own house to rob people. You know, a broomstick, a garbage can – anything! I had been arrested seven times, and definitely headed for the penetentiary. What had changed everything were the words of my mother – Mama Horace – on her deathbed. [ show picture of Mama Horace ] She told me that if you don’t change your life – I’m gonna beat the crap out of you! I bring her touch of tough love and compassion into the courtroom. [ holds up pistol ] I also bring this fifth , ’cause I know ghetto is ghetto! And, when I say “Order in the court!”, order’s in the court! Okay? And sometimes you got to lick shots at cats. You heard?

Announcer: Real justice. “Judge Horace”.

[ dissolve to Judge Horace’s courtroom, as Plaintiff and Defendent enter courtroom ]

Announcer: The plaintiff is suing his ex-girlfriend for outstanding gym dues. He agreed to pay his girlfriend’s gym dues, if she lost weight. But she, in fact, gained sixty pounds in two months. He is suing for $1,500. The defendent cliams that she thought the agreement was a joke. And she told her ex-boyfriend early in the relationship that she could never lose weight, due to the fact that she suffers from the Elephant Man Disease, and has a slight marijuana problem.

Bailiff: All rise for the Honorable Judge Horace.

[ Judge Horace enters courtroom flanked by two bikini-clad babes ]

Judge Horace: Mmm.. alright, now, I got to do this judge thing, alright? You two meet me back in my chambers. [ the bikini babes turn and exit the courtroom ] Mmm! Get! Sweet like bear meat! [ takes his seat at bench ] Y’all siddown before I slap the doo-doo outta you! [ courtroom sits ] Alright. I read here.. the plaintiff, Joe Blow, is suing his ex-girlfriend for gym dues he incurred. Your name is Joe Blow?

Plaintiff: Yes, your Honor.

Judge Horace: Are you serious about that name, man? What the hell is Joe Blow?!

Plaintiff: I used to do pornos as a teenage, and the name just stuck.

Judge Horace: Man! What kind of pornos was you doin’ with the name Joe Blow?

Plaintiff: [ hesitent ] Actually, your Honor.. I’d rather not get into that right now.

Judge Horace: Man, just plead your case before I throw your freaky-deaky ass outta my courtroom!

Plaintiff: Okay, your Honor. My ex-girlfriend said she was going to the gym to lose weight, so I agreed to pay the gym dues. But.. her can got bigger than when she went to the gym. It was like they were passin’ out Ben & Jerry’s on the treadmill!

Defendent: That’s a lie, your Honor!

Judge Horace: Shut that! Shut your big ass! Your turn is coming! So, then what happened?

Plaintiff: So, then I come to find out this wide ride wasn’t even goin’ to the gym! She took my money and bribed the shift manager at McDonald’s to work the fry machine for two hours a day!

Judge Horace: Pretty Rick-y! [ Bailiff steps forward ] Take this philly and roll me a blunt, son. [ Bailiff exits courtroom with the philly ] What you got to say about this here, Slim Shady?

Defendent: I told Joe early the relationship, I couldn’t lose weight! Once I tried to lose weight in summer camp, and I got a headache!

Judge Horace: Boo-Boo! That’s as dumb as a bowl of mice!

Defendent: Thank you, your Honor. Also, he called me a lard-ass in front of my eighth grade class.

Judge Horace: [ surprised ] You a teacher?

Defendent: No. I’m still in eighth grade.

Judge Horace: So, you are fat and stupid?

Defendent: Yes, your Honor. But he knew I couldn’t lose weight, your Honor – come on!

Judge Horace: Yeah, Tiny over here got a point! You knew in the beginning she was big!

Plaintiff: In the beginning of the relationship, your Honor, she told me she fell alseep on a hornet’s nest, and the swelling was gonna go down in a year!

Judge Horace: Oh, come on, man! You didn’t know she was blowtacious?!

Defendent: I am not fat! I’m big-boned-ded.

Judge Horace: Eh, Boo-Boo, your bones are so big, they could put them in a mu-se-um! Now, hush! [ to Plaintiff ] You was physically attracted in the beginning, right?!

Plaintiff: Yeah. Once you get past the sweating and the layers, she’s.. kinda hot.

Judge Horace: Mr. Blow.. we all enjoy the big badonakadonk! But this is about justice! Here is my verdict – you get nothing! ‘Cause you knew she wasn’t gonna lose no weight! She sweats in the shower, man! And, you! I got a boy named Shadow who likes big broads! He’s gonna tap that fat ass!

[ Bailiff steps forward with prepared blunt ]

Bailiff: Sir? Your blunt is ready.

Judge Horace: Ah! You’re lookin’ pretty, Rick-y! [ suddenly remembers something ] Oh, yeah – call Kool-Aid, my barber, and tell him I’m coming over to get a cut. [ points to Defendent ] And make sure her chunky behind doesn’t break anything in my courtroom! I’m out! Got to go smoke my pot!

Announcer: Judge Horace. A real ass judge!

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Channel 5 Late Night Movie

General…..Robert De Niro
Flanking Officer #1…..Chris Parnell
Flanking Officer #2…..Darrell Hammond
Scientist…..Jimmy Fallon
Hunter…..Will Forte

Announcer: We now rejoin tonight’s feature: “Radioactive Bear”.

[ dissolve to main movei scene, science lab overlooking the city ]

[ General and his flanking officers enter lab ]

General: What’s the situation, Professor?

Professor: Uh, General, it’s our worst fear – the bear, uh.. was exposed to nuclear waste, and grew a hundred times its normal size, and is destroying the city.

General: [ alarmed ] Are you telling me what I think you’re telling me?

Professor: Yes! It’s a radioactive bear!

[ show giant bear outside, tearing buildings apart with his bare hands ]

General: The military has to clean up another mess you scientists have made!

Flanking Officer #1: How should we proceed, General?

General: [ sighs ] We have to fight fire with fire!

Professor: [ confused ] You’re gonna set the bear on fire?

General: Of course not, that’s stupid! That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!

Professor: What are you gonna do?

General: The only thing – the only sane thing. I’m gonna get a female bear, expose it to radiation, they’ll fall in love, and he’ll stop destroying the city!

Flanking Officer #2: That’s a brilliant idea, sir!

Flanking Officer #1: Genius!

General: Radiate the female bear!

Professor: [ uneasy ] I’m not so sure that that’s a, uh..

General: Haven’t you caused enough trouble, Professor?

Flanking Officer #1: [ pointing out window ] Ah, there goes the bear now!

General: Hmm.. she’s cute.

[ Bear notices Female Bear, and quickly teaches her how to tear apart the city with him ]

General: Damn! I-I-I thought that would work!

Flanking Officer #2: [ helpful ] It must not be mating season.

General: I don’t want to have to resort to this, but it looks like violence begets violence.

Flanking Officer #1: We have to kill them.

General: I’m afraid so. And how do you kill two 900-foot bears?

Professor: [ sarcastic ] With bombs?

General: No. With a 900-foot hunter.

Professor: You have to be kidding!

General: I wish I had time to kid. Send in the hunter!

Flanking Officer #2: That’s an excellent idea, General!

[ 900-foot Hunter casually walks up to the bears and points a tiny gun at them ]

General: The radiation made him grow to be 900-foot tall. Unfortunately, his gun stayed the same size!

[ the bears pull Hunter’s left arm off, and proceed to beat him senseless with it ]

Flanking Officer #2: Oh, wow, they’re.. oh, my God! They’re beating him! That’s gotta smart!

Flanking Officer #1: I thought you had him that time!

General: [ sighs ] Me, too. And then again, I thought the girl bear would have worked, if only it was.. mating season..

Flanking Officer #2: You know what, I have an idea. What if we tricked the bear into thinking it was mating season?

General: You mean..

Flanking Officer #2: Yes! Give them radioactive Viagra!

General: [ feeling hopeful once again ] Bring it in, boys!

[ military personnel pass through room carrying giant blue Viagra tablet ]

Professor: Th-th-that’s crazy!

General: It’s so crazy.. it just might work! [ points out window ] Look! He’s eating the blue tablets!

Professor: [ vaguely interested ] Yeah?

General: They.. they seem to be working.

Professor: Right.

[ immobilized, the bear ceases destroying the city ]

General: Uh.. the bears have stopped destroying the city..

[ Hunter brings himself to his feet and leans against building, giving the Bear the perfect opportunity to sodomize him ]

General: Oh, my God! They’re going after the hunter! And he’s only got one arm, so he’s having a hard time defending himself!

Flanking Officer #2: [ enjoying the scene at play ] Boy, they’re really giving it to that guy!

Flanking Officer #1: It looks like it’s almost over, and.. yep! There’s the money shot! And.. they’re back to destroying the city.

Professor: Well, I hope you’re happy, General. You just keep making this situation worse and worse!

General: Hey, Doc – we wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you! Now, it’s time for Plan D.

Professor: Oh, you’re gonna drop bombs on them?

General: No!

Flanking Officer #2: You don’t mean..?

General: You bet your ass, I do!

Professor: Oh, goodness..

General: Bring in the giant poison sandwich! That should take care of our problem!

Flanking Officer #1: That’s why you have four stars on your shoulder!

General: You’re darn tootin’! [ looks out window ] There’s the sandwich now!

[ helicopter lowers giant sandwich over the Bears’ heads, but the Hunter grabs for it instead, strickening himself with the poison and collapsing to the ground ]

General: Not you, dummy! Leave the sandwich alone, it’s not good!

Flanking Officer #1: Well, after the beating and the sex, I guess he was hungry.

Professor: Got any other bright ideas, General?

General: Nope! What about you guys?

Flanking Officer #2: No.

Flanking Officer #1: Nothing.

General: Well, I guess we’ll be going! Good luck, Professor!

Professor: Wait, wait, wait, where you going?! Where you going!

General: [ guffaws ] I’m not staying here! Those bears look angry!

[ General and his flanking officers exit the lab ]

Professor: Come back!

[ Professor turns his head toward camera, as the action zooms in on his screaming face ]

Professor: Aaaaaggggghhhhhh!!! Aaaaaggggghhhhhh!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 7th, 2002

Robert De Niro

Norah Jones

Harvey Kietel

Homeland Security Briefing

Magenta threat level issued due to lewdly-named terrorist suspects.

Recurring Characters: Tom Ridge.

Robert De Niro’s Monologue

De Niro compares his experiences doing dramas and comedies.

McDonald’s Big N’ Tasty

Excessive Big ‘N Tasty warnings for clueless fatties.

Thomas Jefferson Meets Sally Hemings

Thomas Jefferon (De Niro) falls for slave Sally Hemings (Maya Rudolph).

Peter Pan Rehearsal

Veteran actor (De Niro) annoys cast by handling production his way.

Santa Claus

Working as Santa Claus, actor (De Niro) argues with wife (Maya Rudolph) playing elf.

U.N. Weapons Inspectors

Weapons inspectors (De Niro, Jimmy Fallon) prove ineffective and gullible.

Judge Horace

Judge Horace (Tracy Morgan) presides over fatty case with jive dialect.

Norah Jones performs “Don’t Know Why”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) & Bobby Brown (Tracy Morgan) visit the Update desk.

Sylvia (Rachel Dratch) & Marty Feinblatt (Chris Kattan) on their ill-fated Disney cruise.

A Very Versace Chanukah

Celebrities visit Donatella Versace’s (Maya Rudolph) Chanukah celebration.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne.

Used Car Salesman

Used car salesman (De Niro) uses violence to make the hard sell.

Bedtime Story

Leslie’s (Chris Kattan) dad (De Niro) tells horrifying story about his mother.

Norah Jones performs “Come Away With Me”

Channel 5 Late Night Movie

General (De Niro) has bad ideas for stopping radioactive bear.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards
Liza Minnelli…..Maya Rudolph
David Gest…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

According to military analysts an invasion of Iraq by US forces could cost between 20 and 50 billion dollars. In order to offset those costs the Pentagon has announced that it will refer to the invasion as the Verizon Wireless Pizza Hut War on Iraq.

Michael Jackson was in court this week where he is allegedly being sued for cancelling two concerts. The plaintiff’s lawyers wanted Jackson to answer questions but the joke was on them because when Michael took off his surgical mask he revealed that he didn’t bring his mouth.

It was announced this Wednesday that the 2004 Democratic convention will be held in Boston. A Democratic spokesman said that he will appreciate it if no-one told Streisand (picture of Barbara Streisand appears).

Senate Majority Leader Tom Dashall criticized President Bush this Thursday for failing to capture Osama Bin Laden. Insiders say Dashall is just jealous because the Democrat’s finished behind Al Kyda in the Mid-term elections.

The Federal government have approved a Phillips Electronics Defibrillator, which is designed for use in the home. The Defibrillators can be purchased individually or in the convenient Dick Cheney 6-Pack.

Tina Fey: A new study reports that drinking 21 glasses of wine a week decreases your chance of getting Alysmus disease. Here with a comment is (reading card) ah…oh no, really? (back to normal) Ok, Drunk Girl.

Drunk Girl: Ah hahahahahahaa… Hi everybody.

Tina Fey: Hi.

Drunk Girl: (meanly) Hi Jimmy. I hate you. (getting more slurred as she goes on) I hate you, I love you, I hate you, I hate you! (talking normally) Hi Tina… skinny little bitch.

Jimmy Fallon: Drunk girl come on, come on, lets talk about the study which shows that drinking 21 glasses of–

Drunk Girl: Jimmy, you wanna know why, JIMMY? You wanna know what you are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wannnow what you are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wannowhachu are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wannnnowachu are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: (joining all of it together in one muffled word) Doooyooowaannnnnnachurrrr?

Jimmy Fallon: No, no. I would say no.

Drunk Girl: You’re my boyfriend. Ah hahaha… shut up Tina!!

Tina Fey: Well I didn’t say anything!

Drunk Girl: Lets go Jimmy! This party is lame!

Tina Fey: Ok, please Drunk Girl talk about the study where drinking 21 glasses of wine a week improves your memory.

Drunk Girl: You know what? that’s stupid. I drink 21 Long Island Ice Tea’s a night! And I can’t remember anything! Except when… I remember throwing up in my hand… and not telling anyone…and I remember a cop giving me my bra back…

Tina Fey: Okay, its time for you to go. You gotta go.

Drunk Girl: Okay, let me just say one more thing. Live from New York its Saturday–

Tina Fey: We did that! We did that like an hour ago. (Drunk Girl starts crying) Alright, Drunk Girl everybody.

(Drunk Girl stops crying and begins laughing with happiness as she leaves)

Warner Brothers announce Tuesday that an illegal copy of the second Harry Potter appeared on the internet just days before its release in theatres. Even worse, apparently a book containing the entire story of the film came out 4 years ago.

This week Jennifer Lopez announced that she is engaged to Ben Affleck. It will be the third marriage for Lopez, the first for Affleck and the last for neither.

An Austrian ski resort is holding the ski world championship for blondes, in which blonde women will run down the slopes and then try to ski back up them.

Tina Fey: (ad-libbing) Cause they’re idiots… they’re stupid…

According to a new study Americans are now waiting longer to get married. Case and point; Little Richard.

This week Microsoft chairman Bill Gates pledged 100 million dollars to combat Aid’s in India. Gate said that looking back he can’t even remember why Microsoft introduced Aid’s into India in the first place.

Tina Fey: Phil Collins, who hasn’t released an album in 6 years has introduced his new single ‘Can’t stop loving you’ at this weeks Victoria Secrets Fashion Show.

Jimmy Fallon: No, no, no Tina that’s not what I heard. (’In the Air Tonight’ by Phil Collins begins to play) I heard that Victoria’s real secret is that she killed a dude, and Phil Collin’s witnessed it. So he set up this whole fashion thing, and its like to trick her and stuff…(Tina and Jimmy nod and then the music stops)

Richard Gere and his long time love have wed. So congratulations to Richard and Nibbles (picture of Richard Gere and a hamster appear).

An Austrian designer is now selling exclusive chocolate bras for $100 each. They come in regular or with peanuts (a bump appears where a nipple is).

Tina Fey: VH1 has pulled the plug on the Liza Minnelli, David Gest reality show due to the fact that the couple failed to give enough access to the couple’s lives. Here now to explain what really happened is Liza Minnelli and David Gest.

Liza Minnelli: Hi!! Hi! (Liza and David awkwardly hug)

David Gest: Tina, Tina, Tina, thank you so much. Liza and I are delighted to be here. First of all, we’d just like to say that we are totally willing to co-operate with VH1, and we are absolutely prepared to give them a dynamite, just a dynamite of a show. That would have been the most entertaining reality you have ever seen on television.

Liza Minnelli: Oh, you tell them cutie! Listen guys, we know reality okay? Because when I came out of the womb, somebody slapped me on the ass and I’ve been in the public eye ever since. And I’m Liza with a capital Z! Ha!

David Gest: Ok darling, ok…

Liza Minnelli: I love you darling. You guys want reality? Reality is waking up in the loving arms of a manly, totally not gay, rugged, outdoorsy type man who will pinch your ass and say ‘Honey, I am so hot for your woman body. Lets make babies the old fashion way’.

David Gest: (whispering) Honey, we are supposed to be talking about the reality show.

Liza Minnelli: Oh yes, yes. I’ve known a lot of different realities, for example going to bed in Los Angeles, and then waking up in Detroit! Moiety, Michigan facedown on the kitchen floor of a Mexican restaurant. Ha! You like that Tina?

David Gest: Okay, shut it, shut it!

Liza Minnelli: Okay dokey artichokey! Look at this face, this is a handsome man…(singing) Why hello there Sailor…

David Gest: Time to go dear, its time we go.

Liza Minnelli: Okay, I can’t wait for our reality show. (singing) I want to be apart of it, reality…

David Gest: Ok, alright, this is why I stopped the show! Turn the camera’s off (getting on the desk) turn the camera’s off!

Liza Minnelli: (singing) Reality is not a Mexican restaurant…(Christopher jumps off the Weekend Update desk) Oh, alright!

Tina Fey: Liza Minnelli and David Gest everyone!

David Gest: (waking towards the camera) Turn the camera off!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(Jimmy throws the pencil and David keeps saying to turn the camera’s off)

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

“Welcome Back, Potter”

Harry Potter…..Will Forte

[ show picture of Harry Potter, as a playful wizard youth ]

Voiceover: Harry Potter. For years, we delighted at his many adventures at Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And while, time and again, young Harry escaped from dragons, trolls and evil sorcerors, there’s one thing even a boy wiard can’t escape from.. and that’s growing up.

[ show Harry grown-up, with a perm hairdo and frizzy moustache ]

Ye-e-esss, the years since leaving school have been kind to Harry. But they haven’t been quite so kind to Hogwart’s. Most people nowadays have written the place off, as a bad school in a bad neighborhood full of bad kids. But bad kids have dreams, too. That’s why Harry’s headed back to Hogwart’s. Only, this time, he’s the teacher.

[ cue Jingle ]

Jingle:

“Welcome back.. your dreams were your ticket out
Welcome back.. to the same old place that you laughed about.

Who’d have thought they’d lead ya
(Who’d have thought they’d lead ya)
Here where we need ya
(Here where we need ya)

Yeah, we tease him a lot
’cause he teaches wizardry in the ghetto
Welcome back
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.”

Announcer: “Welcome Back, Potter”. This Fall on the WB.

Second Announcer: Due to pending legal action, “Welcome Back, Potter” may be called “Honky In The Hood”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

My Big Thick Novel

…..Brittany Murphy

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 589

“Hold on to my hand,” I yelled.

“I can’t,” said Lucinda. “I’m slipping.”

“Hold on!” I screamed. But it was too late. She let go and fell, landing hard on her buttocks. And that was the last time we ever went square dancing.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Brittany Murphy’s Monologue

…..Brittany Murphy
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Chris Parnell
…..Amy Poehler
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Chris Kattan
…..Will Forte
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Don Pardo

Brittany Murphy: Wow! Thank you guys! Oh my! I am thrilled to be here. I just did this movie “8 Mile” with Eminem. But now I get to do this! I can’t believe this, I’ve been a fan of the show since I was a little kid. I even read a book about SNL and it was fascinating but what it didn’t tell you is that theres this whole East Coast/West Coast comedy war with the cast that I didn’t know anything about. Did you know, Tracy Morgan absolutely will not be in a scene with Chris Parnell.

Tracy Morgan: Na Na that’s just a fallacy right there. It ain’t even true. I’ll do a scene with anybody.

Brittany Murphy: So you and Parnell get along?

Tracy Morgan: No he’s a little bitch!

Chris Parnell: Who you callin’ a bitch, bitch!

Brittany Murphy: Please don’t, please. Ok apparently the cast members from California have a different style than those from New York City and Chicago.

Chris Parnell: Yeah! Our style is FUNNY!

Brittany Murphy: You guys, can you not do this right now, please?

Tracy Morgan: Please, please me and my crew will settle this right now. East Coast, regulate! (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, and Amy Poehler walk out)

Chris Parnell: West Coast, let’s do it! (Chris Kattan, Maya Rudolph, and Will Forte walk out)

Brittany Murphy: Ok, These are the rules. 45 seconds on the clock and a beat, bring in the beat. No swearin’ ’cause it’s live TV. Heads or Tails?

Tracy Morgan: Tails! (coin lands on heads) Ladies first! (Music starts)

Chris Parnell: (singing)
“They call me the Iceman cuz I bring the ice,
Lorne liked me so much he hired me twice
Representing the west coast LA, Ca
Grew up from the Groundlings,
These gangsters came to play
C.P., Lady Rudolph, CK2 and Will Forte
Were erupting like Vesuvious and you are just Pompeii.

I scratches my itches,
Makes the hosts my bitches
I was somewhere inside her, Ms. Wynona Ryder
Kirsten D., me, and Cameron D. had a three
There’s no askin’ or tellin’ what happened with Mr. Ian McKellan.
All those low ranked characters your tryin’ to push,
You play Brian Fellows, bitch I’m President Bush.”

Brittany Murphy: Oh! West coast not bad. East coast lets show ’em what you have.

Tracy Morgan: (singing)
“Let’s take it back to old school
I got the East coast, best school
HOLIDAY INN
I say if the West coast actin’ up we won’t be you friend.
Amy P. am I mellow, it’s all you what ya gonna do.”

Amy Poehler: Tracy, I’m not ready for this.

Tracy Morgan: Let’s go, rookie. You got one shot, one shot to blow.

Amy Poehler: (singing)
“Listen up. Here I come straight out the East coast sun,
Don’t let my size fool ya, just watch as I school you.
Represent UCB in the Improv Olympics,
My choices specific, my screenwork terrific,
My writing is tight, and bright, and prolific.
I givin’ viscious hits like Tony Soprano,
not cheap shiznick like Corky Romano.

I don’t read Q cards, I memorize my lines,
While you babies cry I ain’t wastin’ time.
So don’t be prolonged while you’re home watchin’ porn
I’m chilln’ in St. Barts with my pimp daddy Lorne.
Stop your foolin’, while I’m humorin’
My beat’s as heavy as two Laraine Newmans
Say my name Don Pardo!”

Don Pardo: AMY POEHLER.

Brittany Murphy: Alright! Not bad! Check this! (singing)
“Yo,Yo,
I’ve had it with all the commotion,
So stop the emotion and turn your devotion
To me Ms. B. the host with the most you see in movies,
While you’re mocking me on late night TV.

From Girl Interrupted, to Freeway, to Clueless
I get paid for my work, You get paid to look foolish.
My movie “8 Mile” is doing so well what’s Eminem like,
I’ll never tell.

Yo,Yo So don’t forget it’s my name you know
The baddest, the maddest, the best host of the show.”

Brittany Murphy: Ok! Ok! Yeah! East Coast/West Coast the beef is formally over. We’ve got a great show tonight. Nelly is here with Kelly Rowland. So stick around, fools, will be right back.

Submitted by: Charles Spivey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

The Leatherman

The Leatherman…..Jimmy Fallon
Choo Choo…..Horatio Sanz
Female Customer…..Brittany Murphy

(Open on The Leatherman Store)

(Female Customer walks in)

Leatherman: Welcome to the Leatherman.

Female Customer: Let me guess, you are the Leatherman.

Leatherman: Good guess! Can I get you into some leather?

Female Customer: Well, these are kinda nice, fabulous actually. Um are they snakeskin.

(Leatherman’s leather squeaks as he walks toward the customer.)

Leatherman: Not just any kind of snake. Those are made from genuine diamondback rattle snake. Bred right here on thr premises in our shop.

(Leatherman shows the customer the snakes)

Female Customer: Oh! Whew! Those are some snakes.

Leatherman: Nothing sexier than a pair of capri pants made of rattlesnakes.

Female Customer: Oh Yeah! Let me try on a pair.

Leatherman: Choo Choo!

(Leatherman’s assistant Choo Choo runs out covered in leather.)

Leatherman: Choo Choo, This fine lady would like to try on a pair of rattler capris. Let’s see, you look like a petite two.

Choo Choo: I’d like to pet tit, too!

Leatherman: Choo Choo!! (Leatherman whips Choo Choo)

Choo Choo: (screams) Why did I give him that whip for his birthday?

Leatherman: Always treat the customers with…. (Fallon breaks character, cracking up apparently over nothing)

Choo Choo: (Sanz improvising) Makes no sense, really.

Leatherman: Always treat the customers with dignity and respect. Especially ladies that look like they (leather squeaks loudly) in all the right places. Now get back to work. (Leatherman whips Choo Choo)

Choo Choo: (Screams) Good whip, Boss.

Leatherman: I knew it was. Right this way! (escorts customer to dressing room) I can’t wait ’til they’re covered in leather.

(Choo Choo hands the customer a pair of leather pants)

Leatherman: There you go! Thanks, Choo Choo!

(Customer enters dressing room and tries on pants)

Leatherman: Snakeskin’s like a second skin. Feel free to use that rosin powder and towel and help yourself get into the leather. Yeah! That’ll be nice. Did they get on nice?

Female Customer: (steps out) How do they look.

Leatherman: The snakeiest! You look sleek and ready to strike. These are genuine sidewinder rattles on the bottom of these cuffs.

Female Customer: I can’t feel my legs.

Leatherman: There are trace amounts of venom still on the snakeskin. But you fell fashionably numb. Now walk for me, walk for the leather.

(Customer starts walking as the leather squeaks)

Female Customer: Leatherman! Maybe leather isn’t right for me.

Leatherman: You are talking to the wrong person. I don’t like leather, I love leather. There’s nothing better than shooting an animal, chopping off its head, stringing it up, stippin’ the skin from its carcass with a curved knife, boiling its hide, dipping it, treating it with chemicals, stretching it, and making it into a garment for a fine lady such as yourself.

Female Customer: Well, after you put it like that.. I’ll take it.

(Choo Choo runs out)

Choo Choo: Come here, Boss!

Leatherman: Can’t you see I’m with a customer.

(Choo Choo speaks incoherently, gets whipped)

Choo Choo: (screams) Boss! (speaks incoherently) Snake escaped!

Leatherman: Oh no! I’m sorry, honey, one of our boot snakes escaped. Choo Choo, fill the trap with live mice, we’ll get her back.

Female Customer: Oh my God! It’s right there.

Leatherman: There goes the snake! Choo Choo go in there and get it. (Choo Choo runs in a dressing room after the snake) Grab him by the head. Come on, come over here. (moves the customer) You’ll be safe.

(Choo Choo screams)

Leatherman: What happened!

Choo Choo: I got it, Boss! (Choo Choo holds up the rattle)

Leatherman: Choo Choo! That’s not the head, That’s the tail.

(Choo Choo screams, runs out of the dressing room as snake bites his penis)

Leatherman: Choo Choo! Choo Choo!

(Choo Choo screams and runs around the store knocking everything over.)

Leatherman: Let me call 911! They’ll take care of this. (flips top of cellphone, it squeaks; presses keypads, which also squeak like fine leather) Hello, Yeah I got a guy here that’s been bit by a big rattlesnake. At the Leatherman Shop on 515 Oak Street. Ok! I gotta do what? With my mouth? Thank you very much.

Choo Choo: Boss! What did he say.

Leatherman: I’m sorry, Choo Choo – looks like you’re gonna die.

(Choo Choo screams and runs around as the Leatherman whips him)

(fade)

Submitted by: Charles Spivey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott Joplin

Scott Joplin…..Maya Rudolph
Anna Kournikova…..Brittany Murphy
Serena Williams…..Dean Edwards
Venus Williams…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: And now: “Tennis Talk”, with, your host, Time-Traveling Scott Joplin!

Scott Joplin: [ playing on the piano ] Hi, I’m Scott Joplin, the father of ragtime, and frequent time-traveler. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from traveling through time, it’s that I love women’s tennis. That’s why I host this show every week. This week, I’m especially excited, because I have with me three of the premier players on the women’s circuit today. Please welcome Anna Kournikova, and Venus and Serena Williams. [ plays piano as the female tennis stars enter and sit ] Well, hello! It’s great to have you wih me, ladies. Let’s start with you, Anna. Now, ?? nationally famous for your good looks?

Anna Kournikova: I feel so ?? It’s not ?? Uh.. it’s painful that people would rather talk about the way I look, than the way I play tennis.

Scott Joplin: Maybe it would be easier to talk about your tennis if you weren’t so bad. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Serena? You’re a beautiful girl.

Serena Williams: Thank you, Scott!

Scott Joplin: You, too, Venus.

Venus Williams: You’re sweet!

Scott Joplin: Do people talk about your tennis, or your looks?

Serena Williams: [ thinking ] I’d say.. mostly our looks.

Venus Williams: Definitely our tennis!

Scott Joplin: Maybe that’s because you rank #1 and #2 in the world, not #45, like Britney Spears over here. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Anna? How many major tournaments have you won in your professional career?

Anna Kournikova: [ defensive ] Where are you going with this, Scott?

Venus Williams: Just answer the question!

Anna Kournikova: Okay, then! Well, none, major!

Scott Joplin: And, yet, you make tens of millions in endorsements.

Anna Kournikova: Listen, I don’t really want..

Venus Williams: You make an obscene amount of money, girl!

Anna Kournikova: So do you, Venus!

Scott Joplin: Yes, but Venus wins tournaments. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]

Anna Kournikova: I don’t think it’s fair that you travel in time just to be mean to me!

Scott Joplin: Look, I didn’t travel in time to be mean to you, sweetheart. I travel in time to talk about women’s tennis. But I find myself sitting here with two champions, and one overexposed calendar girl with no second serve. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]

Anna Kournikova: Scott Joplin, you’re mean! I don’t make fun of your antiquated music!

Scott Joplin: Antiquated?

Anna Kournikova: Yes!

Scott Joplin: That’s a big word, Russian Barbie! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Well.. that’s game, set and match, here on “Tennis Talk”. Until our next court time, I’m Time-Traveling Scott Joplin.

SNL Transcripts