Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
John Travolta…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Michael Keaton…..Matthew Perry

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. And let’s take a look at the scores. John Travolta has -$2,000. In a close second with -$1,900 is Michael Keaton. [ Keaton is doing several facial expressions. ] And in first place, with $0, is our returning champion Burt Reynolds, who, of course, has yet to ring in. It’s time now for Double Jeopardy. And once again for this round contestants, I’d like to remind you, please, no cursing. Let’s take a look at the board. The categories are: “Continents”; “Theater”; “Potpourri”; “Potent Potables”; “Numbers”; “Words That Rhyme With Dog”; and finally, “The Renaissance.” And you know what, let’s just replace that last category with “Shapes.” [ Tile saying “The Renaissance” is flipped over to reveal “Shapes.” ] Burt Reynolds, you pick the category.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, give me, ah, Theater for $10,000.

Alex Trebek: Theater for $600. The answer is: This play by William Shakespeare was about a merchant who lived in Venice. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that was “Footloose”. [ nods ] Good flick, “Footloose”.

Alex Trebek: No. And please answer in the form of a question. [ Travolta buzzes in. ] John Travolta.

John Travolta: Is this a horror flick we’re talking about? ‘Cause I love horror flicks.

Alex Trebek: It’s.. it’s not a flick at all.

John Travolta: Okay. “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”

Alex Trebek: No. And please answer in the form of a question.John Travolta: That was a question! Who framed him? [ Keaton buzzes in. ]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Keaton. [ Keaton just does facial expressions. ] Mr. Keaton. [ The buzzer sounds. ] I.. I don’t think we can accept facial expressions as an answer. Mr. Reynolds, it’s your board, pick a category.

Burt Reynolds: I’ll take the dog one.

Alex Trebek: All right, Words That Rhyme With Dog, for $400. And the answer is: It’s been a “Hard Day’s Night” I should be sleeping like a “This.” [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Chinese whore.

Alex Trebek: No. [ Travolta buzzes in. ] John Travolta.

John Travolta: Chinese whore doesn’t rhyme with dog.

Alex Trebek: That’s why it was a wrong answer. [ Keaton buzzes in. ] Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: I’m Batman.

Alex Trebek: No, you are not. And the board still belongs.. [ Reynolds buzzes in several times. ] What, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: I think, ah, I think my buzzer’s broken.

Alex Trebek: No, it’s not, you just buzzed in.

Burt Reynolds: No I didn’t. [ buzzes in several more times. ] I think it.. I think it’s broken.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Travolta, why don’t you pick a category.
John Travolta: Continents for $600.

Alex Trebek: And it’s the Audio Daily Double. How much do you want to wager?

John Travolta: I’m gonna play it safe. I’ll wager $0.

Alex Trebek: All right, for $0. Here’s your Audio Daily Double clue: Name this continent. [ A voice says “Asia.” Travolta doesn’t answer. ] Mr. Travolta. [ The voice says “Asia” again. The buzzer sounds. ] Time has run out. The answer was “Asia.” [ Reynolds pats Travolta on the back. ]

Burt Reynolds: Ah, tough luck there buddy, huh?

Alex Trebek: Okay, moving on. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] What is it, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: [ points at Travolta ] Check out this guy’s back.

John Travolta: What? [ turns around to reveal a “Kick Me” sign. ]

Alex Trebek: That’s nice, you put a “Kick Me” sign on Mr. Travolta’s back.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, ha-ha.

John Travolta: Oh that’s, that’s good.

Burt Reynolds: I did it when he.. I did it when he wasn’t looking.

Alex Trebek: That’s very nice. Good job, Burt. Tell you what, we’re gonna let Michael Keaton pick a category.

Michael Keaton: All right, um, Number. See, because sometimes it helps to understand a word if we break it down. Let’s do that now, shall we? Numb, see, if you’re numb, you can’t feel. [ pauses for a second ] See, yeah if you’re numb you can’t feel. And then Ber..

Alex Trebek: Numbers for $800. And the answer is: This number comes between five and seven. [ Keaton buzzes in. ] Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: ..See and then Ber, if you’re, you know if you’re cold, that’s the sound that you would make. I guess I, I guess my answer will be uh, somebody who can’t feel that they’re, uh, that they’re cold.

Alex Trebek: No.

Michael Keaton: What is somebody who can’t feel when they’re cold?

Alex Trebek: No, no Mr. Keaton, I know what you’re trying to do. Just stop. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Mr. Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I think I fixed it. My buzzer, I think I fixed it. [ buzzes in repeatedly ]

Alex Trebek: I see. You know what, let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy with every player in negative numbers. And the category is…you know what, this is way too hard, I’m just gonna make one up. How about your favorite food? Just write down whatever food you personally like most, any food you like to eat. [ music starts ] Your favorite food. [ Keaton walks over to Reynolds’s podium ] Keep in mind you can’t be wrong. You can even lie to me and just put down a food. [ music stops ] Okay, and put down your pens. Mr. Travolta, let’s see what you put. Your favorite food is.. [ shows his screen ] Miso. A type of soup, excellent! And your wager.. [ shows his wager ] Horny. Me, so horny. [ Travolta laughs. ] Great.

John Travolta: Come on, that’s hilarious! Come on!

Alex Trebek: No, it’s not. Now, let’s look at Mr. Reynolds’s answer. [ shows his screen ] Check out Keaton’s back. [ Keaton turns around to reveal the “Kick Me” sign. ]

Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha!

Alex Trebek: Right. Very funny.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, he didn’t know it was on there.

Alex Trebek: Shut up. Just shut up. Let’s see what Mr. Keaton came up with. You wrote.. [ shows his screen ] Val Kilmer sucks.

Michael Keaton: I’m Batman.

Alex Trebek: Okay, and your wager.. [ shows his wager ] George Clooney sucks. Well, no one won, apparently.

Burt Reynolds: I won.

Alex Trebek: No, you didn’t.

Burt Reynolds: Sure, I did.

Alex Trebek: Anyway. That’s it for Celebrity Jeopardy. Once again, no money will be given to charity.

Burt Reynolds: Seriously, I did win.

Alex Trebek: No, you didn’t.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I did.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: GohanDZ

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Goodnights

…..Matthew Perry

Matthew Perry: Thakas to Oasis! Thanks to everybody! I love you, Grandpa! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

The Golords

Mike Golord…..Will Ferrell
Sissy Golord…..Ana Gasteyer
Doc
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Fake Bill Clinton
Chung
Madame Wong
Chung’s Hitman

[Opens with the Seal of the President of the UnitedStates. Bill Clinton is addressing the nation from theOval Office]

Announcer: And now a message from the President of theUnited States.

President Bill Clinton: My fellow Americans. Lately thisadministration has come under attack for acceptingcampaign contributions from foreigners. I’m here tosay there’s no truth behind this allegations andfurthermore my….

[Helicopter roars, two guys storm through the windowsbehind Clinton and open machine gunfire in alldirections]

President Bill Clinton: HOLY…!!!

[They hook Clinton up and helicopter carries him outof the Oval Office along with the two gunmen]

Man: THEY’VE KIDNAPPED THE PRESIDENT!!! OH!,OH!,OH!

Jingle:
From a secret sattelite,
comes a gang that’s outta sight.
Captain Golord and his team,
they will fight out evil schemes,
helping save the earth below,
they are always on the go!

[Montage of the Golord’s adventures. Sattelite inspace,confronting bad guys, knocking down doors, Docon the phone in the lab, flying through space in theirspace mobile]

GOLORDS! GOLORDS! GOOOO!!!!

Announcer: The Golords.

[Sattelite in space, cut into it. Mike and Sissy intheir blue uniforms are sittting down while Doc in hislab coat and big glasses read a printout message]

Doc: Mike, Sissy, we’re getting an emergency message.Our sources have located the President!

Sissy: Where’s he at, Doc?

Doc: It says here that the culprits are holding thePresident in a brothel outside of Hong Kong.

[Mike is watching a Penthouse centerfold]

Mike: Let’s go!

[Caption: Hong Kong. Oriental music. City at night.Mike and Sissy are in front of a whorehouse, dooropens]

Madame Wong: Welcome to Madame Wong’s whorehouse! MikeGolord? Back so soon?

Mike:[Speaks chinese. Subtitled:Madame Wong, this ismy sister, so be cool with the “Mike Golord”stuff.]Hello, stranger. Have you seen this man aroundhere?

[Holds up photo of Bill Clinton]

Madame Wong: Uh, how about a quicky?

Mike: Sissy, wait here. I think Madame Wong may knowsomething.

[Madame Wong and Mike walk into a red lighted room,door closes. Door opens in one second, Madame Wong isnaked on the bed, Mike walks out]

Mike: Thanks, Wong.

Sissy: What did you find out Mike?

Mike: Not a thing. Let’s go to another whorehouse.

[Madame Wong attacks Mike with a knife]

Sissy: Mike, look out!

[Bang! bang!, bang! bang! Sissy shoots Madame Wong inthe face 4 times]

Mike: Thanks, Sissy. That was close. Let’s take a lookaround the rest of this place.

[Bang! Sissy shoots Wong one more time just to besure.]

[Cut to President Clinton tied to a chair in awarehouse. Chung and his hitman are next to Clinton]

President Bill Clinton: I’ll tell you what. When my govermenthear about this there’s gonna be hell to pay.

Chung: Silence!

[Slaps Clinton in the face]

President Bill Clinton: [whimpering] Don’t hit me!

Chung’s Hitman: Silence!

[Another slap in the face of Clinton]

President Bill Clinton: The security codes are Delta, Alpha,Zebra….

Chung: Please, shut up. We are not interested incodes. Our top genetics scientists have been workingaround the clock to perfect this, our own PresidentBill Clinton.

[Chung takes hood off another guy tied to a chair thatlooks just like Clinton only that the white hair isuncombed]

President Bill Clinton: He looks just like me!

Fake Bill Clinton: I build bridges to 21st century.

Chung: It’s perfect. We don’t need to make campaigncontributions any longer. Now our President will makea new American policy and no one can stop us!

[Mike and Sissy burst through the door]

Mike: Hold it right there, Chung!

Sissy: Two completely identical Presidents. How can wetell them apart?

President Bill Clinton: It’s me!!

Fake Bill Clinton: Hey, I’m the guy!

Sissy: What do we do, Mike?

Mike: I’ve got it!

[Shows fake Bill Clinton a photo of Paula Jones]

Mike: Do you find this lady sexy?

Fake Bill Clinton: Oh, no. She not sexy. She make mesick.[throws up]

President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah![His horniness makeshis head spin wildly]

Mike: Suck on this!

[Mike shoots fake Bill Clinton in the forehead. Hisbrains splash into the wall]

Chung: Stop them!

Sissy: Hyah! Take that!

[Sissy punches Chung’s hitman in the chest and ripsout his still beating heart]

President Bill Clinton: Good Lord!

Sissy: Put this in your pipe and smoke it!

[Sissy knife in hand goes over to Chung and chops hishead clean off, head rolls around on the floor]

[Back in the Oval Office]

President Bill Clinton: This country owes you Golords a greatdebt that can never be repaid.

Mike: No need Mr. President. I just hope you’velearned taking illegal contributions from foreignersis dangerous. It’s more safer and patriotic to letAmerican corporations to buy off our politicians.

[Bill Clinton fondles Sissy’s right breast]

President Bill Clinton: I couldn’t agree more. That is whytomorrow I’m gonna get started on tough new campaignfinance reform.

[Dishonest giggling from Clinton, Mike and Sissy joinin the giggling]

Announcer: GOLORDS!! GOLORDS!! GOOOO!!!!

The Golords logo.

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Friends

Rachel….Cheri Oteri
Pheobe….Ana Gasteyer
Ross……Chris Kattan
Chandler….Colin Quinn
Joey…….Matthew Perry
Monica…..Molly Shannon

[open in the Friends apartment, with Rachel and Pheobe watching TV]

Rachel: Oh my God, this show is so stupid, Pheobes. I mean, it’s just tapes of cats falling off things and men getting hit in the crotch!

Pheobe: Um, okay, I love this show, Rache.

Rachel: You would. Look, Pheobes, I have something to tell you.

[Rachel turns off TV]

Pheobe: Wow, that sounds really like [imitating trumpet herald] announcement!

Rachel: It kind of is. I met someone, Pheobes. A guy. I think this whole Ross and me thing is, like, over.

Pheobe: Um, congratulations, I think. Wow.

[Monica and Ross enter]

Monica: You know, Ross, you totally offended me when you didn’t eat any of my quiche a la Monica. I mean, hello? I spent all day making it.

Ross: Well, I would’ve spent all night throwing it up.

[Ross sees Rachel]

Ross: Oh, hi, Rachel.

Rachel: Hi, Ross.

Ross: Hey, I thought you were gonna call me. I spent all weekend beside the phone, in a fetal position. Moaning. A lot.

Rachel: Oh, Ross. There’s kind of a reason why I didn’t call.

Ross: Well, I was really hoping you would, Rache, cause I just wanted to ask you…will you marry me?

[Everyone looks shocked while Joey enters]

Joey: Hey, yo. You guys wanna go shoot some pool or something?

Monica: Joey, shut up! Ross just totally popped the question!

Joey: Ho ho! What question!

Monica: Hello? THE question? The BIG one? HELLO?

Joey: Ho ho! …what question?

[Chandler enters. While everyone up to this point has been imitating the Friends characters relatively accurately, Colin Quinn portrays Chandler as EXTREMELY effeminate]

Colin: Oh! What a HORRID day I’ve had!

[Matthew Perry looks puzzled, but tries to maintain his Joey impression]

Monica: Hi, Chandler.

Pheobe: Um, hi, Chandler.

Chandler: Oh my STARS, it’s a wonder I didn’t simply faint dead away! Heavens to Betsy!

Ross: I – I know this is sudden, Rachel, but there’s – there’s still this thing between us, you know, there’s kind of this thing, that, you know, it’s a good thing!

Rachel: Oh, Ross! Ross, marriage is such a big step!

Chandler: Marriage!? Marriage, my word, you mustn’t! My dear girl, you’ll be ruined, RUINED!

Pheobe: Um, okay, Chandler, I think you’re being, like, really negative right now. Like, marriage rules!

Monica: I know! I mean, marriage! Hello?! HELLO!?

Ross: Look, Rache, I still love you, I really do! Joey, tell her how much I talk about her!

Chandler: Heavens, yes, Joey, do tell, do tell!

[Matthew Perry stares at Colin Quinn in confusion. He’s clearly thinking about Colin now and not the sketch]

Joey: Well, yeah…you know…Ross says things…about…Rachel.

Ross: See?!?

Chandler: Oh, bother, you’re all prattling away while I stand here half dead from thirst. I simply shall perish without a glass of buttermilk!

[Colin moves to the fridge, walking very effeminately. Matthew Perry follows him]

Joey: Hey, hold on a sec there, Chandler. You’re, uh, kinda out of character today, not your usual smart-alecky self. Is something wrong?

Chandler: Why, heavens, no, dear boy! I’m Chandler Bing, raconteur and sassy man-about-town! Now would you be a love and fetch me my shawl?

Matthew Perry [breaks character completely, addresses Colin directly] Alright, Colin, cut it out!

Colin Quinn: [tries to keep character] Dear me, I shan’t be spoken to in that tone, JOEY. It simply won’t do!

Matthew Perry: I’m serious! Cut it out!

Colin QuinnM: [breaks character] What are you doing, Matthew? You’re ruining the whole sketch!

Matthew Perry: What am I doing? What kind of an impression is this?! It doesn’t sound anything like me!

Chris Kattan: [still impersonating Ross as he speaks] Look, you – you shouldn’t second-guess him, you know? He’s an actor, and, you know, he made an acting choice.

Matthew Perry: Hey, Kattan, do yourself a favor and stick to characters that don’t speak!

[Chris Kattan, angry, sits down on the couch]

Matthew Perry: And Colin, I don’t play Chandler like some big gay foppish guy!

Colin Quinn: Look, Matthew, I’m sorry you didn’t like my impression. It’s just that I’m a huge fan. And your performance in that role always brings to mind classic character actors like Ed Win, Edward Everett Horton, and I tried to bring that to my performance. But I guess it was a bad call.

Matthew Perry: [suddenly intrigued] Well, not necessarily…

[Perry looks upward, deep in thought. The scene switches to a picture of a studio lot, with the caption reading “Hollywood, California. A Few Weeks From Now.”]

[The scene switches to the Friends’ apartment. Matthew Perry bounds into the room as Chandler, and he now plays Chandler as effeminately as Colin did]

Chandler: Oooooh, Chandler’s home! Joey, be a dear and fetch me my shawl! I’m rather chilly! Oooooooohhhh!

[Scene freezes and Friends music plays while Friends credits roll]

Transcribed by: Scott Bonner

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Cookie Dough Sport

[ Music Over: “Love Hurts”, Nazareth ]

[ rapid-fire scenes of athletes playing a series of intense sports ]

Announcer: Cookie Dough Sport. Cookie dough right when you need it most. So get on your feet, get in the game, and get the dough. Cookie Dough Sport.

Cookie Dough Sport. Be the dough.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
October 4th, 1997

Matthew Perry

Oasis

None

None
Spartan CheerleadersSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) break into the school gym to practice their cheers for the morning cheerleading tryouts.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Transcript

Montage

Matthew Perry’s MonologueSummary: In a pre-taped sequence, Matthew Perry looks for a New Yorker who will jump into a fountain with him like in the “Friends” title sequence.

Bio: Matthew Perry (1969-). Actor; played Chandler Bing on sitcom “Friends” (1994-2004); also starred in the short-lived drama series, “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” (2006-07).

Cookie Dough SportSummary: The cookie-coated sports drink that keeps your energy going

Transcript

Celebrity JeopardySummary: Burt Reynolds (Norm MacDonald) competes against John Travolta (Darrell Hammond) and Michael Keaton (Matthew Perry).

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Burt Reynolds, John Travolta.

Transcript

Sarcasm 101Summary: New student Marissa (Ana Gasteyer) is offended by the sarcastic comments of the teacher (Matthew Perry) and her classmates.

Transcript

The Ladies ManSummary: Ladies man Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) takes calls and answers romantic queries.

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript

Space, The Infinite FrontierRecurring Characters: Harry Caray.

Transcript

Oasis performs “Don’t Go Away”Bio: English rock band; members: Liam Gallagher, Noel Gallagher, Paul Arthurs, Paul McGuigan, Alan White.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldNote: Norm MacDonald delivers the fake news solo, with no guest commentators.

Transcript

M-TV NewsRecurring Characters: Goat Boy, Juio Iglesius.

The Kevin Franklin ShowSummary: Kevin Franklin’s (Tim Meadows) new late-night talk show will be just like the rest of the talk shows currently on the airwaves.

Recurring Characters: Kevin Franklin.

FriendsSummary: SNL’s mundane “Friends” parody is interrupted when Matthew Perry objects to Colin Quinn’s gay portrayal of Chandler Bing.

Transcript

Go-LordsTranscript

Oasis performs “Acquiesce”

Good Morning With LizaRecurring Characters: Liza Manelli, Woody Allen.

The Kevin Franklin Show IISummary: Following a stint in rehab, Kevin Franklin’s (Tim Meadow) show takes on a new mellow format.

Recurring Characters: Kevin Franklin.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1

97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Car Accident

Male Victim…..Norm MacDonald
Female Victim…..Ana Gasteyer
Paramedic…..Will Ferrell
Other Driver…..Jim Breuer

[ Two cars crash into one another. Sylvester Stallone quickly rushes in to help after witnessing the horrific event. ]

Stallone: Sir? Are you alright?

Male Victim: [ groaning ] ..oh.. what happened..? I saw a white.. light.. I felt this inner peace, I thought I was going to heaven. But then that guy from that horrible movie “Rhinestone” showed up..

Stallone: [ confused ] What?

Female Victim: It’s Sly Stallone! He’s trying to help us!

Stallone: Look, you’ll be fine – you’re just a little shaken up! Okay?

Male Victim: [ groaning ] Great. I don’t know which is worse: being in this accident, or being helped by the star of “Judge Dredd”.

Stallone: [ somewhat exasperated ] Don’t move, there’s an ambulance coming.

Female Victim: Thank you so much. You’re very kind.

Male Victim: Ah.. he’s not that kind. Did you see “Cobra”?

Stallone: You know.. that movie actually got very screwed up in the, uh, editing, and..

Male Victim: [ screaming ] Aggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh….

Stallone: [ frightened ] What’s wrong? What’s wrong?!

Male Victim: ..gggghhhhhhh, I just remembered “Staying Alive”!

Stallone: Aw, hey, come on!

Female Victim: Listen, he’s trying to be nice..

Stallone: Alright, yeah, okay, fine. How are you doing, Madam?

Female Victim: My arm hurts!

Stallone: Oh, really? Can you move your fingers?

Female Victim: [ she moves her fingers a little, then screams ] Oh, God! “Paradise Alley” sucked! [ ashamed ] I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to say that!

Male Victim: Ah.. don’t be sorry – the guy stole two hours of your life!

Stallone: Aw, come on, that’s enough! I’m trying to help you!

Male Victim: [ groaning ] I’m getting.. I’m getting dizzy from the blood loss..

Stallone: Okay, let me just put the pressure on there.. [ massages male victim’s shoulders ] You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be O-KAY!

Male Victim: I’m bleeding pretty badly..

Stallone: Oh, everything’s going to be fine. I’m here for you!

Male Victim: Let me ask you something: What were you thinking when you made “Over The Top”?

Stallone: What?!

Male Victim: “Over The Top”! I mean, you had to arm wrestle a guy for the custody of your son, for God’s sake!

Stallone: Please save your energy..

Male Victim: I mean, did you actually get that script and go around telling people, “Hey, this is a good one!”

Stallone: Oh, come on, just drop it! Please.

Male Victim: No, no, you’re right. You know, it was an excellent movie, now that I think about it. After all, you know, it does combine the emotional drama of a custody child hearing with, uh.. ARM WRESTLING!!

Stallone: [ angry ] That’s enough!! [ ambulance sirens in background ]

Male Victim: Whoa, hey! Hey, remember that movie “Kramer vs. Kramer”? Yeah, that was about child custody, too. Yeah, but it wasn’t that good. I don’t know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can’t.. oh, wait! I know! Arm wrestling!

Stallone: [ screaming] SHUT UP!! [ he punches the male accident victim, as a paramedic enters the scene ]

Paramedic: Hey! What the hell are you doing? You’re punching car accident victims!

Stallone: No, no, no, you don’t understand.. he was badmouthing my films!

Paramedic: The man is injured, and he happens to think “Tango & Cash” is jackass, so you hit him?!

Stallone: No, no. He didn’t mention “Tango & Cash”, okay?

Female Victim: Please! Somebody just help my husband! [ Male victim groans helplessly ]

Other Driver: [ in background ] I think this guy’s dying!

Paramedic: [ examining the male victim ] Alright, everyone clear! Now, I’m losing him!

Male Victim: Stop.. stop.. stop.. stop.. “Stop.. Or My Mom Will Shoot” sucked..

Paramedic: [ confused ] What? What did he say? I-I couldn’t hear him..

Female Victim: [ To Stallone ] Did you hear him?

Stallone: [ reluctantly ] Yeah..

Paramedic: What, what did he say?

Stallone: [ mumbling ] “‘Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot’ sucked.”

Paramedic: Wait, wait, wait! Everyone, sshhh! What did he say?

Stallone: He said, “‘Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot’ SUCKED!!“

Female Victim: It’s okay. Listen: you’ve comforted my husband in the last minutes of his life. That’s a noble thing. Don’t let “Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot” mar that experience..

Paramedic: [ still examining the male victim ] Wait, wait, everyone. He’s holding onto something.. it’s.. it’s a videotape. It’s “Rambo”. I guess he liked your work after all..

Stallone: [ surprised ] Really? That really means a lot to me.

Paramedic: [ pulling the tape free ] Oh, wait, wait, actually, no. It’s.. it’s a porn film. It’s “Rambone”. It’s “Rambone”. [ Stallone rolls his eyes ] Alright, let’s clear out, everyone! Nothing to see! [ Handing tape to Stallone ] You want this?..

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1

97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Richard Jewell

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald. Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Ah, this Thursday in an Arlington, Virgina courtroom, sportscaster Marv Albert accepted a plea bargain in his trial on forcible sodomy charges. This following revelations of Albert’s compulsion for biting women, three-way sex, and wearing panties and garters. Said Albert about his decision, quote, “At least I’ve still got my dignity.”

Attorney General Janet Reno said this week that she is fed up with Republicans complaining to the press that she has not named an independent counsel to investigate President Clinton’s fundraising. Said Reno, quote, “If these people don’t like the way I’m doing my job, let them come talk to me man-to-man.”

Well, the White House is an empty nest this week, following Chelsea Clinton’s departure to begin her studies at Stanford University. A wistful President Clinton says that while it’s difficult to see his daughter grow up, at least now he’ll feel less guilty about hitting on her friends.

According to the U.S. Bureau of the Census, California’s population is expected grow nearly 18 million by the year 2025. Also by the year 2025, it will be much easier to find a vacant apartment in Mexico.

In international news, French president Jacques Chirac met this week with NATO Gener – NATO Secretary General Javiera Solona. [actually Javier Solana] During their meeting at the Elysee Palace, the two discussed possible reasons why Marv Albert would dress up in lingerie and bite women on the back while another guy watched. [delayed reaction, chuckles]

After closing out a successful first season, the WNBA is considering several changes to improve the level of play in the league next year. Among the proposals: extending the playoffs, increasing salaries, bringing back the three-point line, and replacing all the female players with guys.

Well, as you’re no doubt aware, Elton John’s musical tribute to Princess Diana, “Candle in the Wind ’97,” has become the fastest-selling CD in history. Well, in Dayton, Ohio, a local music chain had a wonderful idea to donate all its profits from the single to a local AIDS group. However, in a tragic piece of irony, “Weekend Update” has learned that the local AIDS group now plans to spend all of the money…on land mines.…What a world we live in….Dirty, dirty land mines!

Richard Thomas of Chicago is taking a novel approach to getting his wife Sally to quit smoking. He is suing her in U.S. District Court, asking a judge to order her to quit. Legal experts say they’re considering all factors. Mr. Thomas actually has a very good chance of never having sex with his wife again.

Well, last summer’s Lilith Fair tour marked the largest collection of female rock singers ever to tour together. Its opening act was a comedian. And here tonight is the headlining comic from that tour, Cinder Calhoun! Hi, Cinder.

[pan over to Cinder, who wears a red jacket and orange-rimmed glasses]

Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Norm. Um…I’m Cinder Calhoun. I’m not really still familiar with that label “stand-up comic,” um, I really consider myself more of a funny wordsmith folkist who came out of the uh, singer-songwriter tradition.

Norm: Yeah. So when did you, uh, discover that you were funny, Cinder?

Cinder: Um, actually, uh…it’s a funny story. I was backstage with Tracy Chapman at the Random Acts of Kindness Tour, uh, a couple years back, and…she was kind of down, sort of an emotional K-hole of sorts, you know. And…I really wanted to lift her spirits, so we decided to, you know, just take a ride down to the Juice Tent, um…and, so we get in her car, and I just turned to her and said, [singing] “You got a fast car.”…We practically peed our pants, we were laughing so hard, and…

Norm: Ohh. So that was your big start, huh?

Cinder: Well, right– well actually, uh, not in the same summer, uh, I was backstage with Tori Amos. She is hilarious! We were at Rage Against Incest, and…I was on – I was on a roll telling some pretty hardcore funny Palestinian folk tales, and…Fiona Apple walked up to me with an iced tea, and I just said in front of everybody, “Hey, who are you? Fiona Snapple?”…Anyway, after that, they immediately booked me as the opening comic on Lilith, so…

Norm: Well, that’s uh, that’s great. So are you gonna do, uh, you gonna do some of your act here for us tonight?

Cinder: Um, actually, I feel it’s my responsibility to really use this platform, uh, as a platform, you know, to really address a social issue.

Norm: Oh. Yeah, what would that be?

Cinder: Well, uh, I’ll tell you. Earlier today, um…I was going through my dream journal, and…I was, uh, pulling some jokes for my bit tonight, and I saw a [exaggerated Spanish accent] Latina woman, um…with a cart, selling beef franks. And…I guess I kind of was under the impression that we live in an evolved enough culture that doesn’t need to devour the murdered carcasses of innocent cows as a snack! So, um…[grabs her guitar] I hope you don’t mind, I wrote a song about it, and I’d like to share it, I think it’ll really move some people. It’s called, uh, “Sausage of Pain.” [song begins as she plays her guitar]

[croons wordlessly]
There’s a lot of fighting in the world
People getting killed with guns and tanks
But no one seems to care about the edible missile
Something called the all-beef frank
You look down on the Unabomber
But you eat beef franks like a poor man’s Jeffrey Dahmer
I relish your mustard
I…[croons wordlessly]

So cook them on a grill or boil them in water
And take them out into that sausage of slaughter
It’s a corn dog, kielbasa, hot tamale, or little hoagies, it don’t matter
If you cut ’em up and put ’em into your Spaghetti-O – O – O – O – O – Os

It’s slaughter, it’s slaughter
IT’S SLAUGHTER, IT’S SLAUGHTER
SLAUGHTER, A GREAT SAUSAGE SLAUGHTER!

[croons wordlessly]

[end of song; cheers and applause]

Norm: Cinder Calhoun, everyone! [Cinder flashes the peace sign twice before leaving] She makes you laugh, she makes you think. She makes you think you’re laughing.

Well, according to published reports, Michael Jackson’s wife is now pregnant with the pop star’s second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so soon, Jackson explained that his seven-month-old son is starting to lose his looks. [some boos]

Next month, the U.S. Postal Service will begin issuing stamps depicting Dracula, the Mummy, and Frankenstein’s monster. The stamps are part of a new series called, “People Who Abbott and Costello Have Met.”

According to new medical research, crack babies are as happy and healthy as normal children. You know, that’s amazing, you know. ‘Cause I thought they’d be much happier with all that crack in their system, you know, they…it’s crazy!

Former president Ronald Reagan is selling his Santa Barbara ranch to the federal government, which will turn it into a California state park. In what can best be described as a sweetheart deal for Reagan, he will get five million dollars for the 700-acre ranch, and he will still think he owns it. [shakes his head]…The rich get richer, you know? Ridiculous!

David Kaczynski, the brother who turned in Unabomber defendant Ted Kaczynski, said he plans to share the million-dollar reward money he will receive with the bombing survivors. He says roughly 400,000 dollars will go to the bombing victims, and the other 600,000 dollars he will blow on whores and cocaine.

And in central California, investigators have convened at the Tulane [actually Tulare] Canal to find out what killed sixteen hundred birds and over a million fish. Experts say ammonia poisoning is the probable cause, but if you ask me, what really killed them…was the paparazzi.

In a recent interview, Paul McCartney confessed that Bob Dylan turned the Beatles on to marijuana. In return, George Harrison turned Dylan on to looking old and haggard.

The terrorist bomb which exploded at the 1996 Summer Olympic Games in Atlanta may have claimed more than one victim. Shortly after the incident, the FBI falsely accused Atlanta security guard Richard Jewell of the crime, then waited a year to publicly clear his name. With us tonight to discuss his ordeal is Richard Jewell. Richard, thanks for coming on “Weekend Update.”

[pan over to Richard]

Richard Jewell: My pleasure, Norm!

Norm: Now Richard, in the interest of, uh, full disclosure, I should point out that as a result of Tom Brokaw’s on-air statement that you were, in fact, the bomber, our network, NBC, was forced to pay you an undisclosed sum of money.

Richard: That’s correct, Norm.

Norm: Now Richard, I should point out that it is, uh, pretty unusual for Tom Brokaw to make a mistake, I mean, uh…nearly three-quarters of the time, like, 60, 70 percent of the time, his stories are accurate.

Richard: I understand that.

Norm: Yeah, but you’re telling us, though, that this happened to be one of those one in three or maybe one in 2.7 times that he got it wrong? Well, I guess I…just gotta believe you.

Richard: I didn’t do it, Norm.

Norm: I see. So in other words…here you got Tom Brokaw. He does a hundred stories a week, 53 of which are basically accurate….Only 47 containing major errors of fact. And you just have the unbelievably bad luck, you’re telling us, to be one of the 47?

Richard: Yes, I guess so.

Norm: Well, I guess anything’s possible….All right, Richard, let’s change the subject. Now, less than a month ago, the world was stunned by the auto accident that took the life of Princess Diana.

Richard: Yes, and the o – the other two people as – also, yeah.

Norm: [begins to suspect something] Two other people? Well, you seem to know a lot about the accident there, Richard….Is that another bizarre coincidence or, uh…

Richard: No. I just read the papers.

Norm: Oh, you read the papers, huh? You ever uh, did you read the papers perhaps, in France?…You ever been to France, Richard?

Richard: No, not…no, I’ve never been to F–

Norm and Richard: Never been to France.

Norm: Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like you’ve never been to France, the way you were stuttering there!…Well, I’d like to check your…passport! Okay, let me ask you one question. Let’s get off this whole Lady Di thing, I’ll ask you a question that I know everyone in the audience is thinking. Were you, Richard Jewell, in any way involved in the death of Mother Teresa?

Richard: No, Norm, I was not!

Norm: Well, all right, Richard. If you say that, I’m gonna have to believe you. Richard Jewell, everyone!

[dismissively] Ah…he did it, he killed her. I was lookin’ him right in the eye, I could tell. Killed her in cold blood. Mother Teresa.

Well, finally, our congratulations to musician Ike Turner, who recently got married for the 13th time….The ceremony marked the first time that a minister performing a wedding has ever asked, “Does anyone here not object?” [almost no reaction, grimaces]

And that’s the news, folks! Good night!

[dissolve to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1

97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

The Roxbury Guys

Rocky Balboa…..Sylvester Stallone
Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Mr. Arturo…..Darrell Hammond
Jogger #1…..Jim Breuer
Jogger #2…..Ana Gasteyer

FADE IN:

[ EXT. PHILADELPHIA – MORNING ]

[ MUSIC: “ROCKY” THEME ]

[ Rocky Balboa, wearing his trademark fedora and sweats, jogs the streets of Philly. A jogger jogs right up next to him. ]

Jogger #1: You’re the best, Rocky!!

Rocky Balboa: Oh thanks!

[ Rocky punches the jogger in the upper arm. He falls to the ground. A female jogger jogs up to Rocky. ]

Jogger #2: I love you, Rocky!!

Rocky Balboa: Oh thanks!

[ Rocky punches her in her arm and she falls back onto an oncoming OFF-SCREEN vehicle. The car’s horn blares. ]

Rocky Balboa: Sorry about the car!

[ The Butabi Bros. sandwich Rocky between them. ]

[ MUSIC: “WHAT IS LOVE?” ]

Doug Butabi: Hey! How you doing!? Good to see you!

Steve Butabi: Yeah!

Doug Butabi: C’mon…

[ The guys grab hold of Rocky and take him away. ]

[ EXT. TIMES SQAURE – NIGHT ]

[ SUPER: TIMES SQUARE ]

[ INT. BUTABI CAR – NIGHT ]

[ The guys are bobbing their heads to Haddaway with Rocky in the front with them. Steve’s driving. The guys do their odd nose wipe. Doug demonstrates the wipe to Rocky, who studies him without interest. Doug does the wipe on Rocky’s nose. Rocky elbows Doug in the nose. ]

[ Doug applies pressure to his nose to prevent bleeding. Rocky realizes he had boogers and wipes them on his sweats. The guys resume head-bobbing. ]

[ EXT. CHINA CLUB – NIGHT ]

[ INT. CHINA CLUB ]

[ Clubgoers dance away. The crowd parts down the middle to REVEAL Rocky now dressed like Doug & Steve at the bar. The guys are downing Budweiser. Doug jumps to the front of the crowd. ]

Doug Butabi: Heeeey! Wanna dance? No? Okay, don’t worry about it!

[ He returns to the bar. Steve jumps to the front of the crowd. ]

Steve Butabi: Hey, you wanna dance? No? Alright.

[ Doug returns to the bar. Rocky faces the crowd. He cracks open a raw egg and dispenses it into a Tom Collins glass. He gulps it. ]

Steve Butabi: Go ahead…

Doug Butabi: Yeah! Go dance! C’mon…

[ Rocky modestly agrees and a woman steps forward to dance with him. He struts a few moves then starts trying to jab her with upper cuts. ]

The Roxbury Guys: No, no…

[ The woman takes off. “What is Love?” stops playing. Rocky throws his hands up. ]

Rocky Balboa: I CAN’T DO IT! I CAN’T DANCE!!

[ Rocky drops to the ground. The guys approach Rocky slow. ]

Doug Butabi: It’s okay…

Steve Butabi: It’s alright everybody…

Doug Butabi: You didn’t see anything…

Steve Butabi: It’s okay…

[ The guys lift Rocky up and make a swift exit with him while head-bobbing . ]

Steve Butabi: You’re gonna be alright…

Doug Butabi: You’re gonna be okay…

[ “What is Love?” resumes. The crowd filters onto the dance floor. ]

[ INT. BUTABI CAR – NIGHT ]

[ The guys are bobbing their heads. Rocky grimaces. He punches his finger into the CD player. ]

[ MUSIC: “EYE OF THE TIGER” ]

[ Rocky rocks out to the song. The guys wince. ]

Rocky Balboa: [singing]
“It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the cream of the fight
Risin’ up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor – “

[ Doug changes it back to “What is Love?”. He and Steve resume head-bobbing. Rocky grabs Doug by the face, shakes him, and throws him out of the vehicle. Rocky moves into Doug’s seat and gives Steve a cold-stone look. Steve minimizes his bobbing and continues driving. ]

[ EXT. MR. ARTURO’S SCHOOL OF NIGHTCLUB DANCING – NIGHT ]

[ INT. MR. ARTURO’S SCHOOL OF NIGHTCLUB DANCING ]

[ MR. ARTURO, a middle-aged instructor in a double-breasted club suit, bobs Rocky’s head until he can do it. The guys watch. ]

Mr. Arturo: YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT!!

Rocky Balboa: I GOT IT!!!

The Roxbury Guys: SCORE!

[ Rocky takes off. The Butabis bounce Mr. Arturo across each others’ chest. ]

Doug Butabi: Thank you, old man!

Steve Butabi: Thank you very much!

[ EXT. NYC – NIGHT ]

[ Rocky jogs bobbing his head. Several young children in club suits join him. ]

[ EXT. CHINA CLUB – NIGHT ]

[ SUPER: THE CHINA CLUB ]

[ INT. CHINA CLUB ]

[ Rocky and the guys are bobbing their heads at the bar. They face the crowd. ]

All: Me!? Him!? Me!? Him!? Me!? Him!?

Rocky Balboa: Guys… IT’S ME!!

[ Rocky dances out to the floor, doing everything from disco to breakdancing at an expert level. The children from earlier and the club crowd filter onto the dance floor. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1

97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Planet Hollywood

…..Sylvester StalloneWaitress…..Molly Shannon
White fan…..Jim Breuer
Black fan…..Tracy Morgan

(Opens with an outside shot of Planet Hollywood in New York City. Cut to the inside where action mega-star Sylvester Stallone is getting up from a table.)

Waitress: On behalf of Planet Hollywood, I just want to thank you so much for coming. We were so excited to have you. Everyone was thrilled.

(shake hands)

Sylvester Stallone: It was my pleasure. And really, keep up the good work.

Waitress: Thank you so much. Thank you.

Sylvester Stallone: That´s ok.

(A guy in a jean jacket slaps Stallone´s back hard)

White Fan: Stallone!!! Oh, my God!, oh, my God!, oh, my God! Hold on, where´s my buddy?! JOEY! GET THE CAMERA! GET THE CAMERA!

Sylvester Stallone: No, no, no…I have to go, I have to go…

White Fan: Yo´! You don´t understand, man!! Yo´! Yo´! You know how many times I´ve seen “Rocky”?! You know how many times I´ve seen “Rocky”?! We´re talking like 46, man!!!

Sylvester Stallone: Really?

White Fan: You´re kidding me?! “Copland”? We are talking OSCAR!!!(raises fists up)

Sylvester Stallone: (embarrassed) Please, please, come on.

White Fan: Joey, get the camera!

Sylvester Stallone: Thank you very much but I really don´t have time for pictures.

White Fan: Joey, in the back! Get the camera! Yo´, I don´t mean this in a gay way….

Sylvester Stallone: No, nah…

White Fan: But you´re my idol!!!(puts arms up, hugs Stallone roughly) Dude, I cannot even believe that I´m talking to you, man!!!

Sylvester Stallone: I can´t believe it myself. Thank you. (forced laugh)

White Fan: I´ll be right back! Wait till my friend sees ya´! (runs out)

Sylvester Stallone: No,no,no. I´m not gonna be here, I´m not gonna be here.

Black Fan: AAAAHHH!! Rambo!! You´re better than Gumby dammit! Wait till I tell my wife who I saw! Rambo!!!

Sylvester Stallone: No,no,no.

Black man: Yo´,oh man! I love how you jumped out that tree and cut that pig! You should see how my wife cooks chitlins!

Sylvester Stallone: Really? Thank you very much but…

Black Fan: Aaahhh!!! Oh, man!! Hey yo´, hey yo´. Rambo, you got to do a brother a solid, you got to do a brother a solid! I live right around the block, man. Would you come to my house and kiss my wife for me?! You gotta go to my home and kiss my wife!

Sylvester Stallone: I can´t. I don´t even know you.

Black Fan: Oh, man. What you talkin´about? You can´t kiss my wife?

Sylvester Stallone: It has nothing to do with your wife, really.

Black Fan: Oh, man! Check it. Anyway, yo´, you was in the woods, right? You remember that? And you got a deep gash in your arm…

Sylvester Stallone: Yeah…

Black Fan: And you ended up sewing up your own wound…

Sylvester Stallone: Yeah…

Black Fan: Check it, I was in jail, right?

Sylvester Stallone: Yeah…

Black Fan: And a dude stabbed me…

Sylvester Stallone: Yeah…

Black Fan: Guess what I did?! (Stallone mimics sewing the wound) I sewed up my own wound!!! Rambo!!!

Sylvester Stallone: That´s great. Well, its really nice to meet you…

Black Fan: I´m punking on you!

Sylvester Stallone: I really, I got to go, I just really…

Black Fan: You see? Ho, ho, ho. That´s why I feel you, Rambo! That´s why I feel you, Mr. Rambo. Cause the police could not track you down!

(White fan comes back with a camera and jumps on Stallone almost making him fall)

White Fan: WHAAA!!!

Sylvester Stallone: Oh, hey, hey, hey.

White Fan: Yo´!, whoa, not for nothing…

Black Fan: Not for nothing…

White Fan: I gotta be honest, I thought you were bigger, man!!

Black Fan: Me too!! (grabbing Stallone´s arm) Make a muscle, make a muscle, make a muscle.

Sylvester Stallone: I don´t need to make a muscle.

White Fan: Dude, I told my wife: “I´m bigger than Rocky!” “I´m bigger than Rocky!” How much money you making? Crazy money?!

Sylvester Stallone: Wait a minute, enough, enough. Seriously, I´m not Rocky, I´m not Rambo. I´m just a regular guy with a family…and really, I have to go. So, thank you.

Black Fan: One minute. One thing. Let me see that hunting knife that you be carrying. Where you hiding it? (pats Stallone down)

White Fan: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Give me one “Paulie”. “Yo´Paulie!”

Sylvester Stallone: Why would you do that?

White Fan: “Yo´,Paulie!” “Yo´, Paulie!” “Yo´, Paulie!”

(Stallone is losing patience. Shakes black fan´s hand)

Sylvester Stallone: Nice meeting you, Seriously, thank you. I´m just asking you to get out of my way.

White Fan: What you talking about? You do it for millions of people, you can´t do one for me?! How hard can it be?

Sylvester Stallone: In the movie…

White Fan: “Yo´, Paulie!”, “Yo´, Paulie!”

Black Fan: What´s up with that weak handshake you just gave me, man? You ain´t no Rambo!(pushes Stallone) You ain´t no Rambo!

White Fan: (towering over Stallone) Shorty! Shorty!

Sylvester Stallone: (getting angry) Shorty?

White Fan: Shorty!

Black Fan: You ain´t no Rambo! (pushing Stallone)

Sylvester Stallone: You´re crossing the line, guys. You are crossing the line, all right.

Black Fan: You ain´t no Rambo, man! You are not no Rambo, man.

Sylvester Stallone: (very angry) You know, this is the reason why I don´t go out, because of guys like you, all right.

White Fan: Keep truckin´, RAMBUM!!

(The fans laugh at Stallone and he just fills with rage, turns around and jumps on the duo)

Sylvester Stallone: Aaaarrgghh!!!

(White fan´s camera clicks and scene freezes on the attack)

(Newspaper headline. Extra. Daily Press. Attack is front page news)

(“Stallone sued for billions is fan attack”)

(Another newspaper headline of the Daily Press)

(A photo of the two annoying fans smoking cigars and standing next to Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger is front page news)

(“Planet Hollywood announces new owners”)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts