Tom Arnold: Well, it’s been an honor being here this weeek. I’ve had a lot of fun, these guys are really, really great. They have good feling around here. And, Tupac?
Tupac Shakur: Yeah?
Tom Arnold: Thanks a lot, buddy!
Tupac Shakur: Wassup?
Tom Arnold: We gotta hang out, man, me and you!
Tupac Shakur: Wassup? Wassup?
Tom Arnold: Thank you very much, Tupac Shakur! Adam Sandler! Adam Sandler!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 13 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 17th, 1996 Tom Arnold Tupac Shakur None Paula Pell Adam Sandler WMUR 9 CNN DebateRecurring Characters: Bob Dole, Steve Forbes, Pat Buchanan, Alan Keyes.
Montage
Tom Arnold’s MonologueSummary: A clueless Tom Arnold fails to realize he’s insulting cast members with his comments. Also Hosted: 91n, 92h.
The Life We LeadSummary: To save money, a local station sprinkles news items into soap opera dialogue.
St. Gabriel’s Bake SaleSummary: Devout churchgoer Gail Lafferty (Nancy Walls) issues ass kickings. Recurring Characters: Gail Lafferty, Barb, Mary.
Tupac Shakur performs “California Love”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) phones an update in to Norm MacDonald. Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) gives more local news updates. Adam Sandler sings “Dip Doodle”, a song about his grandmother. Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.
Miracles of ScienceSummary: Despite having an oversized head, Gus “Braniac” Grady (Arnold) is not all that smart.
Naive Mrs. KogenSummary: Mrs. Kogen (Jim Breuer) naively insists to Officer Markell (Tom Arnold) that her son (Colin Quinn) is not a criminal.
Gerald TibbinsSummary: Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins (David Koechner) readies a patient (Tom Arnold) for surgery. Recurring Characters: Gerald Tibbins.
Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handy recalls his dad’s woodpecker-induced suicide.
Tupac Shakur performs “I Ain’t Mad At Cha”
Tree Slice DisplaySummary: Criminal ranger Ron Blanston (Tom Arnold) uses tree slice to illustrate his mission.
PetchowSummary: Hank Petchow’s (Will Ferrell) rat poison is dusguised as dog food so as fool its intended victims. Transcript
(Time/Life logo on the wall. A girl taking telephone orders in front of a computer)
Cindy: Hi, I´m Cindy. Time/Life operator. Steve is gonna tell you all about our new Valentine´s Day offer. And I´ll be back to take your order. See you soon.
(cut to Steve wearing a business suit in a library)
Steve: Thanks, Cindy. Yes, Valentine´s Day is here. And couples in love are everywhere. Which can be hard if you´re single. So for those of you who don´t have that special someone this year, Time/Life is offering a video collection of all those amazing arguments you´ll be missing. The first video collection contains 10 fights, like this:
(A misty landscape, lovers embracing)
“Oh, for f…´s sake! This is Valentine´s Day! A toaster doesn´t say “I love you”, it says ” Make me f…ing toast!”
“Wait, let me get this straight–you´re saying you want to blow our nest egg on a boob job for me?”
“Hey, well 10 years ago I didn´t know you´d weigh 290 pounds– I´d rather f… the dog”
“What do you mean maybe O.J. had the right idea?”
And this Valentine´s Day favorite:
“Pop the cork”
(cut to a dramatization. A couple of lovers, candlelight dinner)
Caption: Dramatization
Male Lover: You want some more Mountain Dew?
Female Lover:(turned off) I thought you were bringing home peach champagne.
Male Lover: Well, they´re out.
Female Lover: You know, 10 years ago you would´ve been licking champagne off my body.
Male Lover: (angry) That´s it! F… this! (flips his plate of food on the table) I´m leaving! (leaves)
(cut to a beach landscape with lovers hand in hand)
Steve: Yes, you´ll get great many arguments like:
“Look, are you gonna sit there and tell me you never flirt? F… you, you shake your ass when you walk past the coffin”
“Baby, all I said is your sister´s hot, not that I wanted to sleep with her–she´s not my type, she´s thin–no, you´re not fat, I´m just–you know, just shoot me in the head”
“You say your mother cooks better than I do, your mother cleans better than I do–well you know what? Your mother can jump up my f…ing ass”
And this one:
“Keeping up with the Joneses”
(cut to the couple again, candlelight dinner. The guy pulls on the girl´s hand)
Female Lover: No, no, no! I told you, you don´t get any until after I get my new furniture, ok? Besides, you´re always too tired anyway.
Male Lover: Well, because I´m working 3 jobs! Maybe I can quit one?
Female Lover: I am not going to live like a hillbilly.
Male Lover: (angry) That´s it! F… this! (flips the plate of food) I´m leaving! (leaves)
(cut to videotape called Bed of Roses. Gay lovers edition)
Steve: And for an additional $10.95, you´ll get the gay lovers version containing some all time greats like:
(misty landscape, lovers)
“Hey, do you want me to go back and take a picture of that guy´s ass? It´ll last longer”
“Troy, all I said is that your brother´s hot, not that I wanted to sleep with him–he´s not my type. He´s thin, no, no you´re not fat. I´m just–you know, just shoot me in the head”
And the gay classic:
“Premature eruption”
(cut to candle light dinner with two men)
Gay Lover 1: Hey, I didn´t know I was supposed to buy you flowers. I made you veal, your favorite. You don´t appreciate me.
Gay Lover 2: (very gay) That´s it! F… this! (flips the plate of food) I´m leaving! (leaves)
Steve: Here´s Cyndi to tell you more.
(cut to Cindy)
Cindy: Call the number at the bottom of your screen.(1-600-LOVERS)I´ll be standing by to take your order.
[Opens with meeting between an insurance salesman and a husband and wife couple in their living room, little kid in the corner watching TV.]
Insurance Salesman: You know, actually I want to thank you for inviting me over. I know a lot of people aren’t comfortable talking about life insurance.
Husband: Well, I love my family very much and I think its time I take care of them in case something unfortunate should happen to me.
Wife: Oh, God forbid.
Insurance Salesman: Well now, look, before we get started can I trouble you folks for some food? See, I’ve been running around all day and I haven’t had a chance to grab a bite.
Wife: Uh, well sure. What would you like?
Insurance Salesman: I’d like some Hi-C and turkey. Ok, listen, why don’t I show you some of our annuity plans…
Wife: Oh, you know, I’m sorry, we don’t have any fruit juice or turkey. But I could make you a sandwich and some tea if you like.
Insurance Salesman: If I wanted a sandwich and tea, I would’ve said so. I want turkey and Hi-C!
Husband: Excuse me, could you please not talk to my wife that way?
Insurance Salesman: I’ll talk to your wife anyway I want, punk!
Husband: [gets up, angry] All right, that’s it! I’m gonna have to ask you to leave!
Insurance Salesman: Oh, oh, oh! We have taken a nasty left turn here. Which is mostly my fault. Look, I’m just here trying to sell some life insurance and help this wonderful family of yours deal with an uncertain future.
Husband: [calms down, sits] Ok, sure. Yeah, I want the same thing.
Insurance Salesman: [takes insurance forms out of briefcase] All right. Well, here’s a plan that I thought you be interested in. It involves a 7% annuity with a $42,000 top hat payment that will be taken when all these things are near the roundy one. Does that sound like something you’ll be interested in?
Husband: I don’t understand anything you just said.
Insurance Salesman: Well, will you just trust me and sign here.[offers pen]
Husband: No. I’m not gonna do that.
Insurance Salesman: Why don’t we just….we’ll take this up, why don’t we move up, our meeting upstairs? Right to your bedroom, we kick off our shoes, lay down on fluffy pillows and we’ll watch an old western movie and have some good ‘ol Hi-C and turkey!
Husband: We’re not gonna move up to the bedroom.
Insurance Salesman: Yeah, you know, that does sound a little weird. Selling insurance in bed. All right, let’s just forget all that junk and just have some good old fashioned Hi-C and turkey.
Wife: Look, we already told you, we don’t have any of those things.
Insurance Salesman: Right. Ok, let’s get back to this insurance policy. But can I say something? Your son has been creeping me out since the moment I got here.[little kid in the corner watching tv] He’s got goat eyes and he stinks!
Husband: [gets up] That’s it! You’re leaving!
Insurance Salesman: Oh, I apologize. Kid, kid, come here, come here.[takes money from pocket] Take this $20 bill, go down the block to Quick Mart and pick me up some Hi-C and turkey.
Husband: No, son. You’re not gonna do that.
Insurance Salesman: No, sir. You are wrong. The goat boy is going!
Husband: Jimmy, go upstairs. Diane, call the police.
Insurance Salesman: [upset, puts papers inside briefcase] Well, you know what?! I don’t think that you are interested in buying insurance! [gets up] I’m leaving now! I’m going to a place where Hi-C flows like wine and the turkey is thrown around like Saigon whores!
Husband: Get out of my house!
Insurance Salesman: I just have one more thing to say!
Husband: What?!
Insurance Salesman: Your wife’s a whore and you’re a pimp!
Husband:[puts up his fists] That’s it! Come on! Come on!
Insurance Salesman: Don’t you come near me! [fumbling through his clothes, opens his briefcase] Don’t you come near me! [takes lighter out and a round object] I’ll set this place off! I light up this thing, this stink bomb! And I’ll dive out THE WINDOW!!
Wife: Oh, my God! Please, stop!
Insurance Salesman: NOW GET ME SOME HI-C AND TURKEY!!!! I’M STARVING!!!!
Caption: 3 hours later.
[cut to front of the house with cop cars around, its night.]
[cut back into the living room, husband and wife are terrified in the couch, insurance salesman holds stink bomb and talks to police from the window]
Insurance Salesman: I let the kid go! Now where is my Hi-C and turkey?!
Police: [off camera through bullhorn] We have your Hi-C and turkey. Now please, come out of the house!
Insurance Salesman: You have the Hi-C and turkey?!
Police: Yes, we do. Now please, come out.
Insurance Salesman: [happy] Okay! [runs out of the house]
[4 gunshots. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!]
Insurance Salesman: [off camera] All I wanted was some HI-C AND TURKEY!!
[cut to a picture of Hi-C fruit can and a plate with turkey on it]
Announcer: Brought to you by the American Hi-C and turkey council. Hi-C and Turkey. They go together, like Dr. Pepper and trout.
Kevin Franklin….Tim Meadows Caller….Nancy Walls Writer off camera….Will Ferrell …..Danny Aiello …..Coolio
[Opens with the Kevin Franklin Show logo]
[Actor Danny Aiello and rapper Coolio sit on Kevin’s TV show]
Announcer: Welcome to the Kevin Franklin Show. The program that discusses the issues people are talking about. And now your host, Kevin Franklin.
Kevin Franklin: Hi and welcome to the show. My first guest is Danny Aiello. He’s an actor who can currently be seen in the film “City Hall” directed by Harold Becker. And Danny also received an Academy Award nomination for his role in “Do The Right Thing”. Danny, welcome to the show.
Danny Aiello: Thanks, Kevin. Its good to be here.
Kevin Franklin: Now filming “Do The Right Thing” had to be quite an interesting experience, especially since you were the only white actor in a predominantly black film.
Danny Aiello: Yeah, well it was a great experience. Spike Lee made things very comfortable for me, even though we were dealing with an explosive and divisive topic.
Kevin Franklin: Uh-huh, so you must have felt guilty about taking a role from a black man.
Danny Aiello: Guilty? Well no, because the story is about a confrontation between a black man and a white man. So my part had to be played by a white actor. The story hinged on it.
Kevin Franklin: So obviously you’re doing a pretty good job of rationalizing what you did even though what you did was wrong.
Danny Aiello: [getting pissed] What are you talking about? It would’ve been ridiculous for a black actor to play the part. The only way the film would’ve worked is to realistically depict the conflict between the races.
Kevin Franklin: So you’re telling me two black actors couldn’t depict a conflict between a black man and a white man?!
Danny Aiello:[angry] Yes! Yes! That’s what I’m SAYING!!
Kevin Franklin: [thinks about it] I’m sorry. I’m terribly wrong. I’m sorry. Our next guest is the rapper Coolio. He recently scored a number one hit with the song “Gangsta Paradise”. Thank you for being here Coolio.
Coolio: Its cool but I have to say, I agree with Danny about the casting thing.
Kevin Franklin: Well, I said I was sorry already, ok? Now Coolio, rap is dead. No one’s buying it, no one’s listening to it, no one’s recording it. So, um, it really peaked ten years ago when “The Fat Boys” were in their heyday and now the most successful rap artists of that time are either in polka bands or farmers. How do you respond to that?
Coolio: Whatchu’ talking about fool?! Rap is bigger than its ever been. Its become more diverse and has affected almost every style of popular music.
Kevin Franklin: Well, we can spend the rest of the show trying to get you to come to grips with the total demise of your art form or we can talk about more pleasant things.
Coolio: Yo’ man, I should bitch-slap you.
Kevin Franklin: Well Coolio, don’t shoot the messenger, ok? I’m only stating what everyone already knows. And the sooner you can accept it, the sooner you can get started with your polka career.
Coolio: Listen bitch! I sold over two million albums last year. Snoop Dog sold over four million albums last year. And Dr.Dre’s and his album both went platinum. So clearly rap is alive and kicking.
Kevin Franklin: So you expect me to believe that just because you sold two million records and Snoop Doggy Dog and Dr.Dre’s records both went platinum….
Coolio:[angry] You’re damn straight!!!
Kevin Franklin: I’m sorry. I’m terribly wrong. I apologize. Ok, let’s take a caller…
Coolio: You about to get a serious ass whipping after the show, man.
Kevin Franklin: Go ahead, caller.
Caller: [over the phone] Yes, um yesterday on your show you said that they should institute mandatory drug testing for the Special Olympics. Because there’s rampant use of illegal drugs and steroids amongst the athletes?
Kevin Franklin: Yes. And your question is?
Caller: I just think you’re wrong.
Kevin Franklin: Oh, really? Well let me ask you ma’am. Are you a special Olympian?
Caller: No, I’m a housewife.
Kevin Franklin: Housewife? [scoffs] Well then you should shut your pie hole and talk about knitting or something you know more about.
Coolio: Yo’ man! Why don’t you chill?
Danny Aiello:[upset] You know, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ve done volunteer work for the Special Olympics. Its all about kids participating and having a good time. Its not about competition. So the kids, they have no reason to be on illegal drugs.
Kevin Franklin: So you’re gonna sit there and say to me that because the Special Olympics is all about fun and no competition, that none of the kids use illegal drugs to enhance their performances?
Danny Aiello: [in a rage] YEAH!!!
Kevin Franklin: I’m sorry. I’m terribly wrong. Ma’am thanks for your call. Well that’s about all the time we have but before I go I’d like to respond to a letter I received regarding a commentary I did entitled “The Holocaust was a myth”. I’m sorry. I was terribly wrong. I stand corrected. In the future I’ll make sure that I proofread any commentaries written by our writers here on the show.
Writer off camera: YOU WROTE THAT COMMENTARY!!
Kevin Franklin: I did. I’m sorry. I was terribly wrong. I’d like to thank Danny Aiello.
Danny Aiello:[fuming] Whatever.
Kevin Franklin: And Coolio.
Coolio:[menacingly] Shut up, bitch!
Kevin Franklin: We’ll see you next week. Goodbye.
[Kevin keeps apologizing, Danny and Coolio ignore Kevin]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 12 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests:
February 10th, 1996 Danny Aiello Coolio Larry Brown Chris Farley Inside PoliticsSummary: Steve Forbes (Mark McKinney) and Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) answer questions. Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Steve Forbes, Bernard Shaw, Bobbi Batista.
Montage
Danny Aiello’s MonologueSummary: Danny Aiello sings “Chubby Clementine.”
Ma’s Spaghetti SauceSummary: A comment about Ma’s (Cheri Oteri) spaghetti sauce sets off violence among the family at the dinner table.
The Kevin Franklin ShowSummary: Kevin Franklin (Tim Meadows) is consistently and admittedly wrong about the things he says. Recurring Characters: Kevin Franklin. Transcript
Time-Life’s Valentine’s Day ArgumentsSummary: Time-Life videotape series catalogues a series of family fights over the Valentine’s Day holiday. Recurring Characters: Steve, Cindy. Transcript
AltheaSummary: Hyperactive little girl Althea (Cheri Oteri) annoys the bus driver (Danny Aiello) during long ride. Recurring Characters: Althea.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Norm MacDonald’s brother Gary (David Koechner) free-associates a commentary on the Republican Party. Larry Brown comments about the Superbowl spread. Recurring Characters: Gary MacDonald.
Coolio performs “1, 2, 3, 4”
Spade in AmericaSummary: Special guest Newt Gingrich (Chris Farley) delivers a desperate plug for “Black Sheep.”
Hi-C & TurkeySummary: An insurance salesman (Danny Aiello) is very open about his love for Hi-C and turkey. Transcript
Coolio performs “Gangsta’s Paradise”
Martha Stewart LivingSummary: Martha Stewart (Nancy Walls) tries to deny her New Jersey background. Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.
Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handy recalls tricking his brother into jumping off of the roof.
Together: R.O.W.D.I.E. That’s the way we spell rowdy, rowdy lets get rowdy. R.O.W.D.I.E. Spartan spirit! Spartan spirit! Spartan spirit!
Arianna: Alright we are playing great chess right now.
Craig: I know.
Arianna: Alright how’s my hair look?
Craig: It looks ok you have some split ends though. I’m sorry, I’m a friend.
Arianna: I respect your honesty, but it still hurts.
(Both hug)
Craig: Oh my god! He’s going for Glenn’s bishop.
Arianna: Protect your bishop, Glenn!
Craig: Don’t lose your bishop this early. Protect your bishop. Watch out for his horse. Oh that’s a great defensive play.
Together: Roll call! cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee roll call.
Arianna: I’m Arianna, I have team spirit, I don’t do drugs, so check me out.
Together: Cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee Roll call.
Craig: My name is Craig, I did drugs once, I am a spartan, so check me out.
Together: So check us out. U.G.L.Y. you ain’t got no alibi. Your ugly, hey hey your ugly. K.I.N.G. You can’t take my king from me your ugly.Yeah yeah your ugly. Not cute. Spartan spirit, Spartan spirit.
Craig: Oh my god! Guess who’s here.
Arianna: Who
Craig: Alexis.
Arianna: Alexis, I’m really mad at her. Hello, Alexis, what, were where you, I only had to watch “Friends” alone. Now I know who my friends are. Ok really. Ok call you. Oh there’s your dad. Hi Mr. Buchanon.
Craig: What dad! No you can’t use the flash in here. It disturbs the players, Dad! Arianna my dad wants to take a picture of us.
Arianna: Oh great! You just told me I have split ends.
Craig: I know I’m sorry.
(camera light flashes)
Together: Well you want a victory, well that makes you a wisher, cause on thing is for sure you ain’t no Bobby Fischer. Bobby Fischer were is he I don’t know! I don’t know! Bobby Fischer were is he I don’t know! I don’t know! Go ask your momma and make sure you listen,cause one thing is for sure Bobby Fischer’s missin’.Bobby Fischer were is he I don’t know! I don”t know! Bobby Fischer were is he I don’t know! I don’t know! He’s Gone!
Glenn: Shut up! Are you completely insane this is a chess tournament.
Together: Oh my god! Glenn!
Craig: Your knight to rook combo was a killer move.
Arianna: Oh my god! Glenn your all over the board.
Glenn: Would you please shut up! I know I’m a dork, and I have greasy hair, and that I’ve never kissed a girl.
Arianna: Glenn it’s ok to explore your body.
Craig: Safe sex is in your hands.
Together: Sex can wait masturbate!
Glenn: Shut up! You two are are freaks! Do you know how far you have fallen when the chess team makes fun of you. You know Arianna I once dreamed of going out with you.
Arianna: Oh Glenn!
Glenn: Now I don’t even think so, and Craig I’m not sure but I think I could kick your ass. Now pipe down you losers! Oh great it’s only my move.
Arianna: Oh my god!
Craig: Oh my god! Glenn is so mad. We were trying to be nice to him.
Arianna: Oh I know what he wants.
Together: The perfect cheer!
(“Funky Cold Medina” by Tone Loc starts playing)
(Craig and Arianna dance through the rest of the cheer.)
Tori Amos: [ singing ] “Caught a lite sneeze, caught a lite breeze Caught a lightweight lightningseed Boys on my left side Boys on my right side Boys in the middle And you’re not here, I need a big loan From the girl zone.
Didn’t know our love was so small Couldn’t stand at all Mr. St. John, just bring your son.
This fire is hot And my cells can’t feed And you still got that Belle dragging your foots I’m hiding it well, Sister Ernestine But I still get that Belle Dragging my foots.
Building, tumbling down Didn’t know our love was so small Couldn’t stand at all Mr. St. John, just bring your son.
[ turns around to play the piano behind her ]
Right on time You get closer and closer Called my name, but there’s no way in Use that fame Rent you wife and kids today Maybe she will Maybe she will caught a lite sneeze Dreamed a little dream Made my own pretty hate machine.
[ turns back around to once again play the original piano ]
Boys on my left side Boys on my right side Boys in the middle and you’re not here Boys in their dresses And you’re not here I need a big loan from the girl zone. Yes, I need a big loan from the girl zone.
Building, tumbling down Didn’t know our love was so small Couldn’t stand at all Mr. St. John, just bring your son.”
Joe Pesci…..Jim Breuer Robert DeNiro…..Alec Baldwin Mel Gibson…..Mark McKinney Danny Glover…..Tim Meadows Spider…..Will Ferrell Brad Pitt…..David Spade
Announcer: Welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show”. Here is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.
[ cut to Joe Pesci on the set of his talk show ]
Joe Pesci: Hey hey! Hey, everyone, I’m Joe Pesci! Alright, nice, huh? I got a talk show here.. talk show, with my mike I can talk into, little chairs that swivel around – I can look over here, look over there – I got everything! It’s the “Joe Pesci Show”! Alright, I’m gonna bring out my first guest. He’s a good friend of mine, I think you all know him very well. Please welcome, the one and only, Mr. Robert DeNiro! [ Robert DeNiro walks out and sits upon the couch ] Folks, this man, he is the King! I mean, he was in everything, come on – “Raging Bull”, “Goodfellas”, “Casino”..Naomi Campbell..
Robert DeNiro: Joey, be nice – people are watching. This guy!
Joe Pesci: Alright, alright! My first guest, you know from the movie Lethal Weapon”. Please welcome Mel Gibson and Danny Glover – bring ’em in here! [ Mel and Danny walk in and sit down ] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! You don’t say hello to Mr. DeNiro? Show the respect, willya?
Mel Gibson: Hey, Bob.
Danny Glover: How’s it going?
Robert DeNiro: Enough. Enough.
Joe Pesci: So, fellas, we had a great time filming “Lethal Weapon”, huh?
Mel Gibson: Yeah, you were hysterical, Joe. You were great as that irritating character!
Joe Pesci: Excuse me? “Irritating”? Did Mad freakin’ Max just call me “irritating”?
Mel Gibson: No, no, come on, Joe, all I meant was..
Joe Pesci: Oh, I know what you meant, “Man Without a Face”! I’m irritating, huh? I’m like some sort of Italian rigatoni rectum rash, it that it?
Mel Gibson: No, Joe..
Joe Pesci: I dyed my hair blonde in that movie, so my head doesn’t match my grill – and you come on my show and call me “irritating”?!
Mel Gibson: Hey, look, Joe.. it wasn’t an insult..
Joe Pesci: Wasn’t an insult?! Bobby, did he just insult me here?
Robert DeNiro: Uh, you insulted him a little bit, a little bit you did.
Joe Pesci: Now, it is my turn to insult you, you”Braveheart”, skirt-wearing, long haired hunk – get out!
Mel Gibson: Joe, is this a joke?
Joe Pesci: No! You playing “Hamlet” – that was a joke! Hey, Bobby, did you see Mel play “Hamlet”?
Robert DeNiro: Ah.. Shakespeare. Come on, huh?
Joe Pesci: I got some Shakespeare: Out the dooreth you goeth,and take Othello with youeth!
Danny Glover: [ sighs ] Ah, I’m getting too old for this..
Mel Gibson: Tell me about it, pardner..
[ they exit ]
Joe Pesci: Irritating, huh! How about in the middle of every one of his movies – boom! – I gotta see his ass? That’s irritating! Very nice. Okay. Bobby, how you like the show, you like what’s going on here?
Robert DeNiro: Very nice.
Joe Pesci: Okay, Bobby, why don’t you introduce the next guest? Go ahead.
Robert DeNiro: I can’t see the cue card. Hold it up.
Joe Pesci: Spider, come on, hold up the cue card!
Robert DeNiro: Hold it up, I can’t see it! Hold it up!
Joe Pesci: Come on, willya? Spider, get out here! [ Spider ambles over with the cue cards ] Look at this spooch over here.. What did I tell you!
Spider: [ stammers ]
Joe Pesci: [ mocks him ] You spooch, ya! Hold up the cards so I can see ’em! [ Spider holds the cue cards over his head ] Look at this kid, look at this moron! He’s landing planes over here! Lower, jackass!
Spider: Why don’t you hold the freakin’ card, Joe?
Robert DeNiro: Ohhhhh… the kiones on this kid, huh? You talk to him like talk. [ hands Spider a wad full of money ] Here’s a little something for you, Spider – you don’t take no crap from nobody, you hear me? Be a man! Be a man! [ to Joe ] You gonna take that from him on your own show, Joey?
Joe Pesci: Yeah, I’ll take it from him! [ whips out gun and shoots Spider dead ] Alright.. my next guest..
Robert DeNiro: What is the matter with you? You shot the kid!
Joe Pesci: So, what’s wrong with that?
Robert DeNiro: What’s wrong with that! You don’t think! Now, who’s gonna hold up the cue cards!
Joe Pesci: I don’t need no freaking cue cards, come on! My next guest is the Hollywood Pretty Boy – please welcome Brad Pitt. Bring him out here! Brad! [ Brad steps out, greets Joe and Robert and tries to sit ] Hey, Bobby, let the kid sit down, willya?
Robert DeNiro: Hey, Joey, I’m up, I’m down – Brad, sit over here.
[ Brad sits on the far end of the couch ]
Joe Pesci: Hey, uh, Brad, you know.. now that I see you in person, you don’t look that pretty. Hey, Bobby, you think he looks pretty, or what?
Robert DeNiro: You don’t look too good, Brad.
Brad Pitt: Hey, easy, guys. Listen, it’s an honor to meet you,gentlemen. I love “Raging Bull”, I love “Goodfellas”, I love “Casino”. You two are the best – everyone knows it.
Joe Pesci: [ laughing ] This kid knows how to shine ass over here, huh!
Robert DeNiro: He’s good. You’re very good, Brad.
Joe Pesci: He’s very good. So, uh, Brad, why don’t you tell us about “12 Monkeys”.
Brad Pitt: Well, in “12 Monkeys”, I play a lunatic.. not as well as you could, Joe. Everyone knows you’re the King of the Lunatics, you’re the best.
Joe Pesci: [ pissed ] Did he just say what I think he said?
Robert DeNiro: I think he did.
Brad Pitt: What, did I offend him? Did I offend him?
Robert DeNiro: You offended him a little bit, Brad, a little bit..
Joe Pesci: Let me just get this straight over here – you’re the leading man, right? And I’m just some lunatic macaroni mushroom, is that it?
Brad Pitt: No, that’s not what I’m saying..
Joe Pesci: I’m the Hunchback of Notre Dego, huh? I’m Quasimeatball, and he’s the sexiest man alive? Is that what’s going on here?
Brad Pitt: No, Joe, Joe, I was just saying..
Joe Pesci: Joe, Joe! He’s handsome and skinny, and I’m the crazy little tinny! I’ll show you crazy! [ gets up and pounds Brad with his baseball bat, knocking him flat to the floor ] Hey, hey! Now that there, that’s the “Legend of a Fall”! Hey, hey, Bobby, did you see the movie “Seven”?
Robert DeNiro: No, I did not.
Joe Pesci: Well, everyone’s gonna see it now! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] One! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Two! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Three! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Four! Hey, can you believe the movie’s halfway over?! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Five! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Six! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Seven!
Robert DeNiro: Hey, Joey, hey here’s the sequel right here! [ kicks Brad ]
Joe Pesci: [ laughs ] Hey, Bobby, what do you think of Pretty Boy, huh?
Robert DeNiro: He definitely ain’t pretty no more.
Joe Pesci: [ laughs ] Okay, alright.. that’s the show. [ camerastays focused ] Good night, folks, I said it’s over, alright, turn it off!
Robert DeNiro: Hey, hey, Joey.. you take care of the body, I’ll take care of this. [ approaches the camera ] Hey! You hear what you said! Turn it off! Turn it off! [ swats the camera ] Turn it off! Turn it off! [ punches holes into the camera lens ] Turn it off!
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