[ Segment #3 opens with Bob Dole waking up to the sound of Hoagie watching the “Today Show” ]
Bob Dole: What the hell are you doing! It’s your turn to wake up people! I’m late for the “Today Show”!
[ cut to Chloe explaining the current living situation ]
Chloe: Bob told me that he used to be very afriad to get close to people, and that Elizabeth was the very first person he had ever.. gotten naked with.. and.. he said, “Chloe, it was so scary”. And I said, “I know.” And he said Elizabeth just held him, and he said he used to have to have little glasses of wine because he’d get so nervous getting naked with a woman.. or getting naked.. or thoughts of getting naked with a woman..
[ show Bob entering the bathroom while Annabel is in the shower. He smiles when he sees her naked silhoette, but runs away when she spots his voyeurism. ]
[ cut to Annabel’s final meeting to discuss Bob’s behaviro ]
Annabel: So, he’s just standing there, staring at me in the shower.. and he’s got this really creepy look on his face..
Chris: Yeah, his face always looks creepy.
Terry: What about his freak-out over the chair?
Hoagie: Let’s do it. Let’s kick him out of the house.
Chloe: Yeah! Let’s do it!
[ camera shows Bob spying on the meeting from behind a curtain. As REM’s “Everybody Hurts” plays, Bob turns his face to the side to reveal a lone tear fall from his eye. ]
[ cut to Chris summarizing the scene ]
Chris: I don’t know.. he just got angry, you know.. Again, it’s, like, “Mine, mine, mine”, you know? And it’s not even.. you know, none of the furniture is ours, it’s all M-TV’s, you know? So, I don’t even know what that was all about..
[ show Bob Dole walking down the street with a suitcase, and dragging his favorite chair behind him ]
[ Segment #2 opens on Hoagie and Kristen arguing in the living room ]
Hoagie: Yes, it matters when! Because they’re my CDs, and I get to listen to ’em!
Kristen: Listen to you.. quit..
Hoagie: I dn’t wanna..!
[ Bob Dole walks past, tires of the argument, and kicks the back ofHoagie’s knee, sending him crashing to the ground ]
Kristen: Oh, my God!
[ cut to Chris explaining the living situation so far ]
Chris: Bob said, “No, I can’t get in touch with other people.”He said he had a fear of intimacy.. and I was just like, “Wow. Andyou’re going to be President?”
[ cut to Bob Dole in the bathroom, practicing speeches in front of the mirror ]
Bob Dole: “I’m President Bob Dole, I’m President of the UnitedStates, nice to meet you, Ambassador! [ laughs ] This must be your lovely wife? Assistant? Sorry. Oh, your wife passed on? Oh, I.. I.. uh.. no way I could have known. Rest assured, you have the condolences of the President of the United States, I’m President of the United States, I’m President Bob Dole, I’m President and I live in the White House!”
Hoagie: [ walks in, amazed at the sight before him ] You arepathetic, man..
[ cut to close-up of phone ringing ]
[ show Bob feeding the fish in the tank, as Kristen enters ]
Kristen: Hi, Bob.
Bob Dole: Hello, there.
Kristen: Oh.. Bob, some election guy called for you.
Bob Dole: Who was it?
Kristen: I forgot..
Bob Dole: What do you mean “you forgot”?! What did he say!
Kristen: I don’t know.. something about exit polls, and the state being wrong, or something like that..
[ cut to Terry summarizing the scene ]
Terry: We’re not being paid to be his secretary, and I’m not his secretary, and I wouldn’t be his secretary..
[ return to scene ]
Bob Dole: What state?! Good God, woman, did you get aname!
Kristen: No. I’m sure if it’s important, he’ll call back.
[ cut to Kristen summarizing the scene ]
Kristen: I think it’s safe to say that Bob and I have no communication, where communication is concerned.
[ show Terry and Chris talking in the bedroom in the middle of the night ]
Chris: And then what happened?
Terry: I go up in the bedroom, and there’s my boyfriend Joey having, like, hot sex with this other guy..
Chris: Oh, man, that’s rough. What did you say?
Terry: I called him “Chicken Hawk”, every name in the book.. I called him “Mochachino Boy Slut”, and I dumped, like, this KY jelly all over them. But we winded up having this amazing three-way, it was, like, my first..
Chris: Oh, my God.. congratulations.
Terry: Thank you, thank you.
Chris: Are you gonna see him again?
[ camera pans slowly up to see Bob Dole lying at the top of a bunk bed,eyes open wide, petrified at the contnet of the conversation that was woken him out of bed. ]
Chris Voiceover: ..when people stop being polite..
Bob Dole Voiceover: ..and start getting real. The Real World”, Chicago.
[ cut to the housemates sitting around in a rap session ]
Chris: ..and I guess his motorcycle ran head into a gasoline truck..
[ everyone gasps ]
Annabel: When did this happen?
Chris: Yesterday. He’s in a coma.
[ Bob Dole, oblivious to the conversation, walks in angry, holding an empty peanut butter jar ]
Bob Dole: Who the hell ate my peanut butter?! Peanut butter!
Chris: I guess I did. Why?
Bob Dole: Yeah, well, now it’s gone! Next time, ask! Nobody eats Bob Dole’s peanut butter without asking!
Chris: Whatever..
[ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]
Annabel: Bob needed to work on his “people skills”..
[ cut back to the scene ]
Bob Dole: You wanna chip in, that’s a different story. Otherwise, keep your grubby hands out of Bob Dole’s peanut butter! [ throws the empty jar across the floor ]
[ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]
Annabel: So I called a house meeting..
[ cut to Bob Dole giving his version of the scene ]
Bob Dole: Bob Dole likes peanut butter. Bob Dole’s never made asecret of that.
[ cut to the meeting called by Annabel ]
Annabel: Okay. Look, the reason I called this meeting, alright, is because I think there’s some issues that we need to face.
[ Bob Dole stands over Terry, who’s sitting in a chair reading a book ]
Bob Dole: Get out of my chair!
Terry: Oh, relax, Senator.
Bob Dole: That’s Bob Dole’s chair, and everybody knows it! [ shoves Terry out of the chair ]
Chloe: Bob!
[ cut to summarizations of the scene from Terry, Hoagie, Bob Dole, andAnnabel ]
Terry: Bob flipped out over me being in his chair.. “his chair.”
Hoagie: You wanna bug like that over a chair – do your bug thing.
Bob Dole: [ silently shifts his eyes back and forth ]
Annabel: I called another house meeting.
[ cut to the new meeting called by Annabel ]
Annabel: Okay. We’re here to talk about the incident with his chair.
Kristen: It’s not even his chair.
Annabel: Bob, you have to understand you can’t always sit in your favorite chair.
[ show Bob trying to comfortable on a red bean bag ]
[ cut to Chloe talking about a separate incident ]
Chloe: I bought.. um.. a coat at a thrift store last week. It was my “special coat.” And, um.. I came in, and Bob’s dog had, um.. gone to the bathroom all over my coat..
[ show scene of Chloe discovering Bob’s dog peeing on her coat ]
Chloe: Who the f–k brought a dog here?!
[ cut back to Chloe’s summary ]
Chloe: And I said, “Bob, you know, you’re a nice guy..”[ show scene of Chloe bitching out Bob ]
Chloe: Well, you know what, Bob?! You should f–kin’ ask before you bring a f–kin’ dog home!
[ cut back to Chloe’s summary ]
Chloe: “I feel close to you”, I said, “but you have to be responsible. It’s not responsible to bring a dog into the house. You can’t let this happen.”
[ show Bob lying on the floor, his dog licking his face playfully ]
John Goodman: Thank you! Thank you very much! It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for — can you believe it? The 7th time!
[ Cheers and applause ]
John Goodman: Now when you host five times, that puts you in the Five-Timers Club. And that’s great! Because you know what that gets you? 50% off at all participating Red Lobsters. And when you host six times, it gets even better! Lorne personally hands you the keys to a brand new Mercedes Benz convertible SL… and then he has you drive him to the opera. But when you host seven times, that’s the sweetest!
[ John gives a “sweet life” kiss. ]
John Goodman: Because you don’t have to do the monologue. That’s right! You can do whatever you want — like right now, I want to sit down!
[ Dignitary music plays as two stagehands place down a throne adorned with a large “7” on top. Elle MacPherson comes on home base and places a “7” crown on John’s head while holding a “7” scepter. ]
Elle MacPherson: Here’s your scepter.
[ John takes the scepter. ]
John Goodman: Why thank you, supermodel Elle MacPherson!
[ Elle curtsies and departs. John heads to his throne. ]
John Goodman: She a 10 and I’m a 7! Here we go — I’m going to sit back and have my favorite beverage — a Seven & Seven!
[ A crew member hands him the beverage. ]
John Goodman: You know, this reminds me of my film “King Ralph”, which, seven people went to go see! Coincidence? I think not. One of the great things about hosting seven times is Lorne gives you access to his secret remote control. Let’s take a look, shall we?
[ John grabs a remote control on the throne and pushes a button. ]
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – THE CONTROL ROOM ]
John Goodman (V/O): That’s the control room. Pretty cool, huh?
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – MOLLY’S DRESSING ROOM ]
[ Molly Shannon’s rested on her couch, rehearsing tonight’s script. ]
John Goodman (V/O): That’s Molly going over her lines.
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – TIM’S DRESSING ROOM ]
[ Tim Meadows is flexing his muscles in front of the mirror. ]
Tim Meadows: Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
John Goodman (V/O): That’s Tim. I don’t know what he’s doing.
Tim Meadows: Whoo-oo!!
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – LADIES ROOM ]
John Goodman (V/O): Ladies room! Cool!!
[ A toilet flushes. The stall opens. Nancy Walls emerges and adjusts her hair as she leaves. ]
John Goodman (V/O): That’s Nancy Walls.
[ Mark McKinney exits the same stall and zips his pants. ]
John Goodman (V/O): And that’s Mark McKinney!
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – CONTROL ROOM ]
John Goodman (V/O): That’s boring. I’ve already seen that.
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – NORM’S DRESSING ROOM ]
[ Norm MacDonald’s emceeing a cockfight with several Mexican gamblers. ]
John Goodman (V/O): That’s Norm getting ready for Update.
[ Back to Home Base. ]
John Goodman: Cool. But the best part about hosting seven times — I can make the cast do whatever I want! Jim Breuer!
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – MAKEUP ROOM ]
[ Jim Breuer’s getting make-up applied. ]
Jim Breuer: Yeah, John? I’m kind of busy getting ready.
John Goodman (V/O): I don’t think so.
[ SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN JOHN AND JIM ]
John Goodman: I want you to come out here and do that thing you did last night while we were at dinner?
Jim Breuer: What thing?
John Goodman: You know — that impression of Alanis Morissette singing about Bob Dole.
Jim Breuer: John, we were drunk last night. I don’t think — I don’t — no, I don’t want to do it. No.
John Goodman: Lorne…
[ Lorne Michaels is watching the monologue on a monitor under the bleachers. ]
John Goodman (V/O): Is Jim doing it?
[ Lorne nods. ]
[ SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN JOHN AND JIM ]
John Goodman: See you soon!
[ Jim is pissed. ]
[ Back to Home Base. ]
John Goodman: You see, Jim & I went out last night for St. Patty’s Day and had one too many… actually seven too many! And I think combined, we both threw up seven times. Now let’s get some production values.
[ Two large Dole for President Posters, plastered with Dole’s face, drop down. John gets up. ]
John Goodman: Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of my 7th time hosting and because I want to see it, here’s Jim Breuer as Alanis Morissette singing about Bob Dole!
[ John goes back to his throne. Jim enters dressed as Alanis Morissette. ]
Jim Breuer: [ Alanis’ Voice ] Hit it boys!
[ INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC: “HAND IN MY POCKET” ]
Jim Breuer: [singing] “He’s wrinkly but rugged He’s grey but his hair is dyed Liver spots on his forehead, Ba-by!!”
“What is all comes down to, my Republican friend, Are the delegates on his si-ii-de!? Because Bob’s got one hand in his pocket, While Clinton’s hand squeezing some girl’s behind!”
[ John winks to the camera. ]
“He was friend with Bob Hope’s dad He’s old but doesn’t drool Okay he drools but not a lot Not as much as Re-aa-gan!!!”
[ John’s swaying to the song. ]
“What is all comes down to, my Republican friend, Are the delegates on his si-ii-de!? Because Bob’s got one hand holding a pencil, While the other one’s giving a victory sign!”
[ Jim starts playing the harmonica solo on the song. John gets up and claps. Jim exits. ]
John Goodman: Thank you, Jim! Everclear is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!
First Friend of Brasky … David Koechner Second Friend of Brasky … Will Ferrell Third Friend of Brasky … John Goodman Fourth Friend of Brasky … Mark McKinney Fifth Friend of Brasky … Tim Meadows
[Fade in on a an image of a sign reading: Holiday Inn, with a smaller marquee reading: Lawn Mower Parts Sales Convention 1996. Dissolve to the interior where four members of the Brasky Bunch sit at a bar and are laughing loudly.]
Third Friend of Brasky: Have you guys ever worked with a guy by the name of Bill Brasky?
Other Three Friends: Bill Brasky!
Second Friend of Brasky: Sure Have and I tell you one thing: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch.
First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office.
Fourth Friend of Brasky: You know he goes about 6’8” 340 pounds.
Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky forced me to wear a woman’s bikini around the office?
Fourth Friend of Brasky: Oh God, I love this story.
First Friend of Brasky: And I’d love to have sex with your wife.
Second Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause] Anyway, Brasky tears off my clothes and makes wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct all my business wearing a woman’s bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily but at the end of the quarter I’ll be damned if my sales hadn’t tripled.
Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky.
All: Bill Brasky!
First Friend of Brasky: He goes about 7’10” 590.
Second Friend of Brasky: He’ll eat a homeless person if you dare him.
[A man, who has been sitting in the background since the sketch began, turns and points to the others:]
Fifth Friend of Brasky: Hey, are you guys talking about Bill Brasky?
Third Friend of Brasky: We certainly are.
Fifth Friend of Brasky: I know Bill Brasky.
Second Friend of Brasky: Then let me buy you a round.
Fourth Friend of Brasky: ‘At a boy, Hank. Now here’s something. You know uh, You know how I like to steal lose change and valuable from your houses whenever I’m over? [after a slight pause] Anyway, Here’s a Brasky story.
Second Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]
Fourth Friend of Brasky: One time I ask Brasky to dress up like Santa for a Christmas party I was throwing for my children. You know Jaccob and Christine?
First Friend of Brasky: Sure, they’re dumb as rocks and always have dirty faces.
Fourth Friend of Brasky: That’s them, That’s them. Well Brasky shows up as Santa, reaches into his bag, and says, I’ve got goodies for you kids. He proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to ’em. Then he takes off his beard and says, There’s no Santa ’cause I ate him.
Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky’s a son of a bitch.
All: Bill Brasky!
Fourth Friend of Brasky: You know Brasky goes about 9’8” 780 pounds?
Third Friend of Brasky: Oh, you know he sheds his skin once a year?
Second Friend of Brasky: I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.
First Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time that I went horseback riding with Brasky? But there weren’t any horses around.
Fourth Friend of Brasky: [talking to the bartender] Hey, a silver soda.
First Friend of Brasky: Make that four. Well, Brasky throws a saddle on my back and rides me for three… Whoa, easy there, Hank. There’s no scotch in that glass. He throws a saddle on me and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well, wouldn’t you know it, my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles.
Third Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]
First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Brasky decides to enter me in the Breeder’s Cup, right. Under the name Turkish Delight. And I’m runnin’ in second place, and I’m runnin’ and I break my ankle.
Third and Fourth Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]
First Friend of Brasky: So anyway, they’re about to shoot me, right? Then someone from the crowd yells out, God Bless him, Don’t shoot him. He’s a human.
Fifth Friend of Brasky: Hey, I lost money on you.
Second Friend of Brasky: Hi, I like you a lot.
First Friend of Brasky: I like you too.
Fifth Friend of Brasky: Hey, is this guy going to hurt me?
Fourth Friend of Brasky: No no, He likes you, he likes you.
Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky.
All: Bill Brasky!
Fourth Friend of Brasky: You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle?
Third Friend of Brasky: Like an alligator, he can fully digest a turtle shell.
First Friend of Brasky: His favorite TV movie is The Boy In The Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta.
Second Friend of Brasky: He’ll… [speaks incoherently]
All: To Bill Brasky!
Big Booming Voice: [from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle] Gentlemen, I’m the new bartender. Who wants a cocktail?
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
March 16th, 1996 John Goodman Everclear None Lorne Michaels Elle MacPherson Kurt Loder Andy Murphy 20/20Summary: Chris Darden (Tim Meadows) recalls an affair he had with Marcia Clark (Nancy Walls). Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Hugh Downs, Marcia Clark.
Montage
John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: Now that he’s hosting SNL for the 7th time, John Goodman has the power to make the cast do anything he wants them to. Transcript
Grayson Moorhead Securities ISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines his investment principles, including keeping a list of how much money each client has invested and to feign listening to the client. Note: Repeat from 10/21/95.
MTV NewsSummary: Kurt Loder gives a quick music news briefing.
The Real World ISummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) won’t let his younger housemates touch his peanut butter or use his favorite chair. Recurring Characrters: Bob Dole. Transcript
The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) and a heavyset Robert DeNiro (John Goodman) assault Oscar winners. Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Robert DeNiro, Richard Dreyfuss, Maria Tomei.
The Real World IISummary: The younger housemates take further offense to Bob Dole’s (Norm MacDonald) behavior. Recurring Characrters: Bob Dole. Transcript
Substitute Teacher Suel ForresterSummary: Students can’t understand substitute teacher Suel Forrestor’s (Chris Kattan) mangled English. Recurring Characters: Suel Forrestor.
The Real World IIISummary: Bob Dole’s (Norm MacDonald) younger housemates finally kick him out. Recurring Characrters: Bob Dole. Transcript
Everclear performs “Santa Monica”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Colin Quinn comments on St. Patrick’s Day.
Fecal MattersSummary: John Fecal (Mark McKinney) is obsessed with the discussion of fecal matter.
Grayson Moorhead Securities IISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines more of his investment principles, including what to do if his wife cals while he’s shagging his secretary. Note: Repeat from 10/21/95.
Gary MacDonald at WorkSummary: Extremely nervous Gary MacDonald (David Koechner) free-associates amidst his company’s downsizing procedures. Recurring Characters: Gary MacDonald.
Forbes AmericaSummary: Steve Forbes (Mark McKinney) is the proud creator of his own personal America in a remote part of the world. Recurring Characters: Steve Forbes.
Bill Brasky’s Buddies at Holiday InnSummary: The drunk businessmen (Will Ferrell, David Koechner, Mark McKinney, John Goodman) further praise the mythological Bill Brasky. Recurring Characters: Hank, Ted, Buddies. Transcript
(Opens with an outside view of Strong Memorial Hospital. A blurry image becomes clearer. The face of an orderly looks down on us)
Orderly: Oh, my God! Mr.Hooper! Can you hear me, Mr. Hooper?! Mr.Hooper? Doctor! Doctor!(runs out)
(Doctor comes in and stands next to a bedridden Stan Hooper)
Doctor: Mr.Hooper, Mr.Hooper. Can you hear me?
Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah.
Doctor: You´ve been in a coma for many years. Welcome back.
Stan Hooper: Where am I?
Doctor: You´re in a hospital.
Stan Hooper: Oh, who am I? What´s my name?
Doctor: (looking in his chart) Your name is Stan. Stan Hooper.
Stan Hooper: Stan Hooper?
Doctor: Now Mr. Hooper, you´ve undoubtedly lost most of your memory. You´ll have to re-learn things slowly. Tell me, do you remember anything about your life?
Stan Hooper: Don´t I live in a big house with a pool?
Doctor: No. You actually live in your parents basement in Queens.
Stan Hooper: Oh, so what am I? A young guy? College student or something?
Doctor: No. You´re 38, uh, you drive a Gremlin and uh, you used to work in one of those factories that make those sanitation cakes you put in urinals.
Stan Hooper: Good Lord….why did you wake me up?
Doctor: Mr.Hooper, relax. There´s some people here to see you. You know, you´re wife Gwendolyn is here.
Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah?
(A beautiful redhead enters the room, hugs and cuddles Stan)
Monique Hooper: Hi-i-i!
Stan Hooper: Holy Lord! God! Look at this! Oh, my God! I can´t believe it! Look at her! She´s like a model. Its my wife. Hey, doc! Check out my wife over here!
Monique Hooper: Stan…
Stan Hooper: Yeah, what do you want, sweetie?
Doctor: Um, Mr.Hooper. This is actually your sister, Monique. Here´s your wife.
(Enters the room a short, unattractive woman with glasses)
Gwendolyn Hooper: Hey, darling. Thank God you´re ok!
Stan Hooper: (bummed out) Oh, no,no,no,no,no. You are not my wife. (to Monique) This is my wife. This one right over here. On my left. She´s my wife. I don´t know what the hell you are but I know its not my wife.
Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, I am your wife Gwendolyn, remember? Gwendolyn Hooper.
Doctor: Please, Ms. Hooper. Your husband is confused. He´s only been conscious for a few minutes.
Stan Hooper: Ok, so let me get this straight now. You´re telling me that this is my sister? (to Monique) And this is my wife?(to Gwendolyn)
Doctor: Yes.
Stan Hooper: Ok, just to be perfectly clear, doc. (to Gwendolyn) This one over here, I will see naked for the rest of my life?
Doctor: Right.
Stan Hooper: (to Monique) But not this one!
Doctor: Yes, that´s correct.
Stan Hooper: You know what would be great? How about if you put me back in that coma?
Doctor: Mr.Hooper, I can´t do that.
Stan Hooper: Hey, you know what? Sister is one of them funny words, you know? It could mean actual sister, you know like, it could mean you know, like a nun, you know, it could be some crazy nickname for the girl you´re sleeping with?
Doctor: In this case sister means biological sister.
Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, I love you…
Stan Hooper: (to Gwendolyn) Hang on, lady! Hang on! Hey! I remember! I was switched at birth! I´m not your brother after all! (hugs Monique) This is great!
Monique Hooper: Stan, stop being so silly.
Stan Hooper: I wasn´t silly.
Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, don´t you remember our wedding day? That little church upstate?
Stan Hooper: Ma´am! Please! Good God!! Now, Monique…God, that is such a sexy name, Monique. You know, I seem to recall, you know, that in certain areas in the Appalachian mountains, you know, sex between siblings is considered normal. We´re from there, aren´t we?
Monique Hooper: Stan, we´re from Chicago.
Stan Hooper: Yeah, well, Chicago, Appalachia, who the hell cares?
Gwendolyn Hooper: Please, darling, for the sake of the children why don´t you come home, please?
Stan Hooper: Back OFF, LADY!! I mean it!!
Doctor: Mr.Hooper, you´re going through a lot. Just take it easy.
Stan Hooper: Oh, oh. Hey, wait a second, wait a second. I get it. This is a joke. Its a joke. Man, this is some joke! I got to tell you, you´re my wife (to Monique) and you´re my sister (to Gwendolyn)you got together while I was in my coma and figured out this great joke! The old switcheroo on the guy in coma joke! I love it! Ha, ha! That´s rich! Ha, ha, ha.
Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, its been 5 years, 5 long years, sweet baby. Please, we got a lot of catching up to do, Stan.
Stan Hooper: Hey, beat it! Anyway, Monique….
(Scene freezes)
Announcer: Stan Hooper fully recovered from his coma to become a United States congressman, where he went on to pass legislation, making it ok for coma victims to have sex with their sisters.
Australian Woman…..Elle MacPherson Operator #1…..Molly Shannon Male Caller #1…..Jim Breuer Operator #2…..Nancy Walls Male Caller #2…..David Koechner Male Caller #3…..Will Ferrell Operator #3…..Sting Male Caller #4…..Mark McKinney Operator #4…..Tim Meadows
[ Music Intro: “Down Under”, Men At Work ]
[ open on Australian Woman sitting along the beach ]
Australian Woman: Hi, mates. Do you like beautiful, sexy Australian girls who love having wild sex? Then pick up the phone and call 1-600-555-AUSSIE, for the most erotic one-to-one adult yabber with hot, sexy Australian beauties.
Operator #1: Oh, baby, baby.. I want you to faucet your banana fender, and let me razoo you like a brumby! Then I’ll unzip your strides and let you laff all over me cuckoo burrows!
Male Caller #1: [ confused ] What?!
Australian Woman: It’s the steamiest phone sex line this side of Adelaie. Good-looking sheilas with perfect bodies want to talk naughty to you right now!
Operator #2: Hey, I got a really wet yabbie! So go ahead andchockablock me in the gunny until I waltz in you boots!
Male Caller #2: [ confused ] Uh.. I don’t get what you’re saying.. can we just have phone sex..?
Operator #2: Eww! Take out your boomer and do me Yahoo Serious-style, you tanky bushman!
Male Caller #2: Can you repeat that?
Australian Woman: So don’t be a jumsheep. Because no matterwhat turns you on, there’s nothing these hot, horny lookers can’t handle. How about a kinky three-way Aussie-style?
Male Caller #3: Oh, yeah!
Operator #2: Oy!
Operator #1: Durite!
Operator #2: Oy!
Operator #1: Durite!
Male Caller #3: What?
Operators: Good on you!
Male Caller #3: You’re.. you’re scaring me..
Australian Woman: So, what do you say, jackeroos? Dial now, and one of our hot Australian fluffs will order your brains out and satisfy your vegemite sandwich! And if you’e interested in Aussie men, dial 1-600-555-BLOKE.
Operator #3: Oh, I’m an airy gent, sitting in my decksoff white on me legs? What you doin’, ocker?
Male Caller #4: I don’t know what you just said, but I love it!
Australian Woman: And if you’re into a hankering for Tasmanian girls, dial 1-600-555-ABORIGINE.
Australian Woman: So don’t come aguster. If you like sexy Australian girls, then 1-600-555-AUSSIE’s for you. Remember, the only thing better than you going down on your billibong, is you going down under with us.
Announcer: Only $22 a minute, nonresidents add Australian BTU tax. Non-applicable to residents of Brisbon, Kanurra and Central Perk. Wallabies must 18 or over.
Male Caller #4 & Australian Woman: So call, and we’ll wop-wopyour orifice now!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 24th, 1996 Elle MacPherson Sting None Hugh Fink Paula Pell Bully Pat BuchananSummary: Acting as bully, Pat Buchanan (David Koechner) forces a donation out of Steve Forbes (Mark McKinney). Recurring Characters: Pat Buchanan, Steve Forbes, Bob Dole.
Montage
Elle MacPherson’s MonologueSummary: As Elle MacPherson addresses the audience, an on-screen text discusses the layout of her body.
A.M. AleSummary: Why wait until the afternoon, when you start your morning off right? Note: Repeat from 09/30/95.
Spartan CheerleadersSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) provide unwanted cheers at a swim meet. Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.
Winston Graff Recording SessionSummary: TV catchphrases dominate the jazz melodies of pianist Winston Graff’s (Tim Meadows) recording session.
Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) competes in the Fresh Face teen modeling contest. Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher, Shelley Peterbuilt.
Sting performs “Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot”Also Performed: 87a, 90k, 92n, 96o, 99f.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Lucien (David Koechner) and Fagin (Mark McKinney) are still huge Norm MacDonald fans. Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.
Redenbacher Holiday TheatreSummary: Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit issue is presented as a holiday special. Recurring Characters: Gerald Tibbins, Mickey the Dyke.
Stan Hooper in the HospitalSummary: Upon waking from a coma, Stan Hooper (Norm MacDonald) believes his attractive sister (Elle MacPherson) to be his wife (Cheri Oteri). Recurring Characters: Stan Hooper. Transcript
Sting performs “You Still Touch Me”
1-600-AUSSIESummary: The dirty talk of Australian phone sex operators is difficult to understand. Transcript
Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handy recalls his mom’s fancy Easter egss.
First Date MannersSummary: John (Jim Breuer) is lenient with his rude, yet attractive, blind date, Laura (Elle MacPherson).
Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls a family crisis. Note: Repeat from 12/16/95.
[ open on Hank Petchow running through the snow with his dog Shep ]
Hank Petchow: Come on, Shep! Here we go!
Voiceover: Like most dog owners, I really enjoy playing with my dog.
[ cut to interior, Petchow household ]
Hank Petchow: Hi! I’m Hank Petchow. I love my dog, and I love taking care of him. But as much as I like feeding ol’ Shep here every morning, there’s some animals I’d rather not feed – rodents, mice, rats. I hate them. That’s why I developed this. Petchow Brand Rat Poison. Petchow’s the only rat poison deadly enough to carry my name – Petchow. And Petchow’s the most powerful rat poison on the market. In fact, it’s so strong, it could easily kill an animal much larger than any rat you’ll ever see – instant. And rats love Petchow’s big meaty pieces. [ Shep jumps up to the bowl of rat poison ] Whoa, no, Shep! That’s rat poison! [ moves Shep ] Just add water for ahearty poison gravy that no rat can resist. He’ll be dead on the spot.Right, Shep? [ Shep barks and moves closer to the rat poison gravy ] Whoa, Shep! Down, boy, that’s not for you! [ laughs ] So, if rats are your problem, choose a name you can trust. Petchow. Just look for the rat poison with a picture of ol’ Shep on it.
[ show two dogs sitting on each side of the Petchow package ]
Air Date:
