Category: 1991

Coffee Talk

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Sheila…..Kirstie Alley
Saul…..Phil Hartman
Caller…..Julia Sweeney


Announcer: Welcome to Coffee Talk with your host Paul Baldwin.

Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk. I’m the guest host Linda Richman. My friend, the regular host Paul Baldwin asked me to fill in this week. Long story short, he’s going to recover nicely. Now, I don’t offer him coffee. It gives me shpilkes in my genecktecessoink. And it aggravates my hiatus hernia. So this week’s show is dedicated to the best entertainer in the history of show buisiness. Barbra Streisand.

Sheila: Barbra Joan Streisand.

Linda Richman: Yes. This is my best friend Sheila.

Sheila: Hello!

Linda Richman: I’ve know her since I’m six.

Sheila: Six! And this is my husband Saul.

Saul: What?

Sheila: What? What? That’s all I get. I get a what. Saul you’re a shlup.

Saul: Sheila, Sheila. You asked me drive you here. I drove. What, I got to talk too?

Sheila: What? You’re a muchlob. Saul, Where did you park?

Saul: I circled for 20 minutes and I found a beautiful place next to H&H Bagels

Linda Richman: The best bagels in the city. They’re like buttah. Okay, back to Babs. She’s coming out with a new movie, Prince of Tides.

Sheila: And by the by that Babs and I are exactly the same age.

Linda Richman: Me too. (holds up Vanity Fair). But I ask you, is this the body of a 50 year old lady?

Sheila: You know, I would die for hands.

Linda Richman: They’re like buttah.

Sheila: I however have Tody Beile hands. He’s by the way dead.

Linda Richman: Very dead. Now let’s talk. Why do we love Barbra Streisand so much. Is it because she’s so vaulty and brash?

Sheila: No it isn’t. The reason is, she got out. Now when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a ballerina, and my mother told me, “Sheila, you’re a poor mescite from Brooklyn with a hook nose. You will never, ever be a ballerina.” And like a schmuck, I listened. Barbra, no, she got out. Excuse me I’m a little emotional about this right now.

Linda Richman: Listening to your story, I’m a little verklempt myself. Give me a second. Talk amongst yourselves (holds it all in). There I feel better. You’re right she got out. I however married an adogio dancer with turquoise hair, and carpel tunnel syndrome. Couldn’t even open a door. May he rest in peace. Okay let’s go to the phones. The number is 555-4444.

Sheila: Four, four, four, four. That’s 4 fours.

Linda Richman: Four to the power of four. Welcome to Coffee Talk. Hello you’re on the air.

Caller: First of all, I hope Paul’s okay.

Linda Richman: He just has a bit of the genecktecessoink. No big whoop. Go on.

Caller: Did you know Barbra has a new boxset collection with all of her recordings in it?

Linda Richman: Yes. I knew that. It’s called “Just for the Records,” and it contains every song she’s ever sang. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s like buttah.

Caller: Yes it is. Does it have the song “The Way We Were?”

Sheila: Does it? It has all of the songs including.. May I?

Linda Richman: Oh. Please Do.

Sheila: (sings to “The Way We Were”) Memory. Like the corners of your..(giggles)

Linda Richman: Wonderful. It’s like buttah, her voice.

Caller: And then Barbra sees Robert Redford getting in a cab in front of the plaza.

Linda Richman: “Hubble! Hubble! Come back!”

Sheila: Don’t go! Oh, I adore Robert Redford.

Linda Richman: And he has a beautiful goyeschaponnum. It makes you want to have Christmas. It was a beautiful scene. Again I’m just a little verklempt. A little emotional, little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Progressive Era was neither progressive nor an era. Discuss! (holds it all in) There I feel better. Who knew?

Sheila: Now as we were saying. Barbra has a new movie “Prince of Tides” with, go figure, Nick Nolte.

Linda Richman: Barbra must know what’s she’s doing.

Sheila: She must.

Linda Richman: She’s god. (Saul gets ready to leave)

Sheila: Saul, where are you going?

Saul: I got to go. I got to put a coin in the meter.

Sheila: Right in the middle of the show, right in the middle of my television debut, you have to go?

Saul: What, you want me to circle for an hour?

Sheila: God forbid you should circle for one hour.

Linda Richman: Obviusly, I’m in the middle of a domestic. Well that’s all the time we have for this week. My name is Linda Richman.

Sheila: And my name is Sheila (pauses) Ornstine. I changed it (sings) Nickie Ornstine, Sheila Ornstine. What a beautiful, beautiful, na-ame.

Linda Richman: It’s like buttah. Alright, next week God willing, Paul will be back for Coffee Talk. Goodbye people (begins singing “People” as scene fades away.

Thanks to Robert Wilczak for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Kirstie Alley’s Monologue

]]>


Kirstie Alley’s Monologue

…..Kirstie Alley
…..Woody Harrelson
…..Kelsey Grammer
…..George Wendt
…..Ted Danson


Kirstie Alley: Thank you very much! You know, I’ve gotta tell you, it has been great hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I mean.. the people here have been so terrific to me all week long, you know? It almost feels like a family.. but, as wonderful as everybody has been, I’m just a little homesick for my own TV family. Of course, I’m talking about “Cheers”. [ major applause ] For some reason, I really miss those guys! It’s nice to have people like that in your life.. It’s like the song.. [ singing ] “Making your way in the world today.. takes everything you’ve got.. Taking a break from all your worries.. [ chokes on her tears ] ..it sure would help a lot..”

[ cut to Woody Harrelson seated in the audience ]

Woody Harrelson: [ singing ] Wouldn’t you like to get away?” [ stands ] “Sometimes you want to go, where everybody knows your name!”

[ cut to Kelsey Grammer seated in another part of the audience ]

Kelsey Grammer: [ singing ] “And they’re always glad you came!”

[ cut to George Wendt sitting in with the house band ]

George Wendt: [ singing ] “You wanna go where people know.. troubles are all the same!”

[ Ted Danson walks in from offstage ]

Ted Danson: [ singing ] “You wanna go where everybody knows your name!”

[ the five castmembers are united on stage, Kirstie kissing and hugging each of them to wild applause from the audience ]

Kirstie Alley: You know, these guys are the best friends that anybody could ever have!

Ted Danson: Oh, you didn’t think we’d let you do the show without us?

George Wendt: Yeah! Come on, now, give us a hug!

[ they all hug again ]

Kirstie Alley: You know something else? We have something else in common besides being on “Cheers” – we’ve all hosted this show!

[ George, Ted and Woody show their excitement ]

Kelsey Grammer: [ sullen ] Excuse me.. I have never hosted the show..

George Wendt: No?

Ted Danson: Ah.

Woody Harrelson: [ to Kirstie ] Anyway, you’re gonna love doing this! They wrote a cowboy song for me!

Kirstie Alley: I remember that! You were so good!

Ted Danson: I got to work with live pigs!

Kirstie Alley: Yes!

George Wendt: Hey, don’t forget about me – remember, “The Bulls! The Bears!”

Kirstie Alley: That was good! Yeah, that was good, you were great!

Kelsey Grammer: [ while being ignored ] I have never hosted the show.

Kirstie Alley: You know what, it is really, really sweet of you guys to do this! Thank you for coming. Bye bye..

Ted Danson: This is great, you’re gonna love this.

Kirstie Alley: You know, I have to get on with the show, because, you know, we have to keep it rolling..

George Wendt: It’ll be fun!

Kirstie Alley: I know, I hope so. I also have to do a big costume change.

George Wendt: Well, run along!

Ted Danson: Yeah!

George Wendt: We’ll cover for you!

Kirstie Alley: Wait a minute, could you guys just go back to your seats? I mean, I can do the show..

Kelsey Grammer: What’s left to do?

Ted Danson: Oh, well, she’s gotta say, “We’ve got a great show! Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here!

Kirstie Alley: Ted.. I wanted to introduce Tom Petty! I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life! I was supposed to say that!

Ted Danson: I’m sorry, go ahead.

Kirstie Alley: Now I don’t even want to..

Woody Harrelson: And you’ve gotta say, “We’ll be right back!”

Kirstie Alley: [ fuming ] Oh, great! Why don’t you just finish it for me! Just do the whole show! You guys know how!

George Wendt: Now, now, now..

[ Kirstie exits the stage sulking, as the guys follow and try to cheer her up, leaving Kelsey alone on the stage ]

Kelsey Grammer: It’s just.. I have never hosted this show! Never! But I could. [ singing ] “You wanna go where people know.. your troubles are all the same.. you wanna go where everybody knows your name..” Tom Petty is here, and the Heartbreakers! [ Opens the Fridge ] We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Clarence Thomas Hearings


Clarence Thomas Hearings

Sen. Joseph Biden…..Kevin Nealon
Anita Hill…..Ellen Cleghorne
Judge Clarence Thomas…..Tim Meadows
Sen. Edward Kennedy…..Phil Hartman
Sen. Howell Heflin…..Chris Farley
Sen. Strom Thurmond…..Dana Carvey
Sen. Paul Simon…..Al Franken
Long Dong Silver…..Chris Rock


[ open on interior, Capitol Hill, night ]

Sen. Joseph Biden: [ banging gavel ] Gentlemen! Gentlemen, please! Please! Professor Hill, I want to thank you for your.. patience here today. You’ve shown remarkable courage throughout your testimony. It couldn’t have been easy for you – or any of us – to sit here for the last seven hours and talk about penis size, or large-breasted women having sex with animals, or pubic hairs on soft drink cans, or oral sex, or the black man’s sexual prowess, or large-breasted women having sex with animals. But we appreciate your candor. [ rest of committee shake their heads and smile ] And we, uh.. hope we can reschedule you for another session tomorrow.

Anita Hill: Thank you, Senator. [ stands up to leave, bumps into next witness, Judge Clarence Thomas, and quickly walks away from him ]

Sen. Joseph Biden: The committee, at this time, would like to call Judge Clarence Thomas. Judge Thomas? [ Judge Clarence Thomas sits ] Judge Thomas, we’re sorry to have to bring you back, but, as you know, some pretty serious allegations have been made by our previous witness.

Judge Clarence Thomas: First of all, I want to say that these proceedings are a travesty!

Sen. Joseph Biden: Mmm-hmm. Well, I understand that. But you did ask Ms. Hill out on a date?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Uh.. yes, I did.

[ the committee whisper amongst themselves at the revealing testimony ]

Sen. Joseph Biden: And she refused?

Judge Clarence Thomas: That’s correct.

Sen. Joseph Biden: How did you go about asking her out for this date?

Judge Clarence Thomas: I’m not sure what you mean, Senator.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Well.. did you just go right up and ask her? Or did you have one of her friends tell her that you thought she was cute?

Judge Clarence Thomas: I just walked right up and asked her.

[ the committee whisper amongst themselves ]

Sen. Edward Kennedy: Were you, uh.. were you drunk at the time?

Judge Clarence Thomas: No, I was not.

Sen. Joseph Biden: But she wouldn’t go out with you?

Judge Clarence Thomas: No.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Was she aware that, as her boss, you could have her fired?

Judge Clarence Thomas: She must have been.

[ the committee members gasp at the shocking statement ]

Sen. Joseph Biden: And she still didn’t go out with you? [ Thomas nods no ] Now, Judge Thomas, there have been charges by Professor Hill that you talked casually with her about graphic scenes in porno movies. Is that true?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Yes, it is.

Sen. Joseph Biden: And.. did that work? Did it break the ice?

Judge Clarence Thomas: No, Senator, it actually offended her.

[ the committee is surprised the tactic didn’t work ]

Sen. Howell Heflin: Uh.. what porno movie did you talk about?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Well.. I mainly spoke about a favorite of mine, called “The Hind-Lick Manuever”.

Sen. Howell Heflin: That’s a good movie, Judge! But do you think hard-core porno is the way to go? Because I feel women prefer softer porn.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Senator Thurmond?

Sen. Strom Thurmond: I agree with Senator Heflin. Yeah, that’s right! The women like something with more stories and costumes, that’ll transport ’em to another place and time. That’s right! Women don’t like close-ups of oversized genitalia! That’s just never gonna turn ’em on!

[ committee agrees ]

Sen. Edward Kennedy: A, uh.. another good thing is to get them out on your boat for some reason, because, uh.. because then it’s really hard for them to get away.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Do you have a question, Senator Kennedy?

Sen. Edward Kennedy: Uh, yes, I do. Have you ever tried coming out of the bathroom nude, and acting like you didn’t know someone was there?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Uh.. no.

Sen. Edward Kennedy: Well, that’s too bad. Because that works, too.

Sen. Paul Simon: Um.. Judge? Judge Thomas? Judge Thomas, are you aware of that, uh.. division of our.. government.. known as the, uh.. Criminal Justice, uh.. Department?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Of course I am, Senator!

Sen. Paul Simon: Well, you know when you walk in the main entrance of the Criminal Justice Building.. there’s this receptionist with short brown hair?

Judge Clarence Thomas: The, uh.. one at the third desk on the left?

Sen. Paul Simon: No, no. The one at the big, circular desk, uh.. right there in the center there.

Judge Clarence Thomas: Oh, yes – Sandy.

Sen. Paul Simon: Yes. Sandy. Um.. do you think that she’d go out with me?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Well, Senator Simon, not knowing your technique, I feel that it would be unfair for me to prejudge your chances with her.

Sen. Paul Simon: Uh-huh. Uh.. you think it’s the bow tie, then?

Sen. Joseph Biden: Senator Simon. Please.

Sen. Paul Simon: Women just don’t seem to like the bow tie, do they?

Sen. Joseph Biden: Senator Simon. Please!

Sen. Paul Simon: Uh, sorry. Sorry.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Judge Thomas, I’d like to thank you for your testimony. You’ve been very forthcoming, and, may I say, it’s been an education.

Judge Clarence Thomas: Thank you, Senator. [ stands up and exits ]

Sen. Joseph Biden: The committee calls its next witness. [ black man walks up ] Sir, would you please state your name?

Long Dong Silver: Long Dong Silver.

[ committee members smile and shake their heads ]

Sen. Joseph Biden: Mr. Silver, we apologize for calling you back one more time.. but many of us on the committee are admirers of your work, and.. well, frankly, we could just listen to you all day. Now, we understand you have a statement?

Long Dong Silver: Uh, yes. I do. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Christian Slater: 10/26/91


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 26th, 1991

Christian Slater

Bonnie Raitt

John McLaughlin

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Bonnie Raitt, “Something To Talk About”

  • The McLaughlin Group

    Recurring Characters: John McLaughlin, Pat Buchanan.

  • Christian Slater’s Monologue

  • Coldcock Malt Liquor

  • Super Fire Hot Chicken Wings

  • Dysfunctional Family Feud

  • Club Banana

  • Bonnie Raitt performs “Something To Talk About”

  • Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

    Recurring Characters: Queen Shenequa.

  • The Curse Of The Wolf Man

  • Young Actors Forum

  • Bonnie Raitt performs “Something To Talk About”

  • Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

    Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

  • Nich-Aid Hair Dryers

    SNL Transcripts

    • Coldcock


    Coldcock

    Spokesman…..Tim Meadows
    Man at Party…..Chris Rock
    Woman at Party…..Ellen Cleghorne


    [ Scene: swanky cocktail party ]

    [ Coldcock Spokesman enters the room with two beautiful girls at his side ]

    Spokesman: You know, when I entertain, occasionally my friends andI like to discuss just what is the best malt licquor.

    Girl #1: I say Bull.

    Girl #2:I say Cobra.

    Spokesman: And I say it’s all just talk. Unless it’s the one theycall.. Coldcock.

    [ cut to Man at Party standing near piano ]

    Man at Party: There’s only one malt licquor that’ll get your headhumming.

    Spokesman: [ enters ] Coldcock’s the one you’ll never seecoming. [ opens can and hands it to the Man at Party ]

    [ Man at Party sips Coldcock, then holds it in front of him. Suddenly, ananimated arm jumps off of the can and punches the Man in the chin ]

    Man at Party: [ reeling ] Pro-per!

    Partygoers: [ whispery ] Coldcock!

    Spokesman: I have yet to meet the man that can finish a wholeColdcock can.

    Woman at Party: [ steps forward ] I ain’t afraid of no can of beer!Give me one! [ sips the malt licquor ] Mmm.. Coldcock.. [ the arm jumps offthe can and socks her in the jaw ] Ooh..! You one malt licquor picker!

    Spokesman: Like I said – it’s all just talk, unless it’s the onethey call Coldcock. [ takes a sip of his own, then flinches upon expectingthe punch. He smiles at his own cunning, as the arm finally jumps off thecan and punches him hard across his chin ] Fan-tas-tic.. [ slowlydrops to the floor ]

    Announcer: Coldcock. You never see it coming.

    Spokesman: [ raises head up from the floor ] Damn. That’s one strongmalt licquor. [ drops his head to the floor again ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Dysfunctional Family Feud


    Dysfunctional Family Feud

    Ray Combs…..Dana Carvey
    Bob Riley…..Kevin Nealon
    Sarah Riley…..Siobhan Fallon
    Gary Riley….Adam Sandler
    Devon Riley…..David Spade
    Craig Riley…..Rob Schneider
    William Thornton…..Phil Hartman
    Bethany Thorton…..Victoria Jackson
    Rebecca Thorton…..Julia Sweeney
    Chip Thorton…..Chris Farley
    Steve Thorton….Christian Slater


    Announcer: Meet the Rileys – Bob, Sarah, Gary, Devon and Craig; and the Thortons – William, Rebecca, Bethany, Chip and Steve. On your mark, let’s start “the “Dysfunctional Family Feud”! And here’s your host of the “Dysfunctional Family Feud” – Ray Combs!

    Ray Combs: Thank you! Okay! Alright, let’s welcome the Riley Family, and, Bob, who have you brought with you today?

    Bob Riley: Well, this is my wife Sarah, and these are my sons Gary, Devon and Craig!

    Bob Riley: And our champions, the Thorton Family. William, introduce us to the Thorton bunch!

    William Thorton: Uh, next to me is our beautiful daughter Bethany, my wife Rebecca, and my two sons Chip and Steven. I always say I have a Full House – two Queens and a pair of Jokers! [ Chip laughs ]

    Steve Thorton: That is not a full house, Dad, that’s Four of a Kind – Jokers are wild.

    William Thorton: That’s enough, Steven!

    Steve Thorton: I just thought..

    William Thorton: Don’t think, Son!

    Ray Combs: Okay.. let’s start the Feud! [ William and Bob step down ] Okay.. 100 people surveyed, 3 most popular answers are on the board: Name a reason why people won’t give up drinking! [ William hits buzzer ] William?

    William Thorton: Uh.. I don’t know why I did that, because I really don’t know.. I don’t have a drinking problem..

    [ “Don’t Have Drinking Problem: 31” is revealed as Number One answer ]

    Ray Combs: “Don’t Have Drinking Prob!” Okay, Rileys, think of a chance to steal! [ moves to Thortons’ side ] Alright. Hello, Bethany, how are you? Two answers left. A reason why people won’t give up drinking. [ Bethany is silent ] One answer.. take a guess..

    [ first strike ]

    Rebecca Thorton: You did that fine, honey, everything’s gonna be alright..

    William Thorton: Oh, please! Don’t coddle her!

    Steve Thorton: Hey, leave Mom alone!

    William Thorton: [ gritting teeth ] Stay out of this.. you’re down there for a reason!

    Ray Combs: O-kay.. Rebecca, I need an answer.. three seconds..

    Rebecca Thorton: Oh, I couldn’t even guess, because, as you know, Ray, we pretty well control our drinking..

    [ “Drinking Under Control: 23” revealed as Number Two answer ]

    Ray Combs: “Drinking Under Control”! Yes! Hi, Chip, good to see you. A reason why people won’t give up their drinking?

    Chip Thorton: Because it tastes good and they like to party! Whoo-oo!

    Ray Combs: Okay! Chip says because they like to party – survey says!

    [ second strike ]

    William Thorton: Oh, good answer, real smart..

    Steve Thorton: Why don’t you lay off, Dad, huh? Somebody shut him up, please?

    Chip Thorton: It’s okay, Steven, I am stupid!

    Ray Combs: Steve? you have two strikes. It’s up to you. A reason why people won’t give up drinking. A chance to put your family up on the board.

    Steve Thorton: Ah, who the hell cares? What difference does it make? I don’t really want to be here, anyway.

    [ Which is revealed as the Number Three answer, for 17 points ]

    Ray Combs: Alright! The Thortons take the bank! Sarah! Bethany! Let’s play the Feud! [ they come down to play ] Alright, 100 people surveyed, the 3 most popular answers are on the board. Name something families say to recent college graduates. [ Sarah pounds the podium ] Sarah?

    Sarah Riley: Uh.. “Get out there and do your best!”

    Ray Combs: Judges, can we accept that?

    [ “Get Out!: 37” revealed as Number One answer ]

    We can! Okay, Bethany, go back and think of a steal. Okay.. [ moves to the Rileys’ side ] Okay, Gary, something families say to a recent graduate?

    Gary Riley: Uh.. “Congratulations”?

    Ray Combs: “Congratulations”. Good answer? [ First Strike ] Nope, not on the board. Okay. Devon, how are you?

    Devon Riley: Hi, Ray, I’m a big fan!

    Ray Combs: Devon, think about this: you’ve graduated.. you come home.. and the family says?

    Devon Riley: Um.. “We’re So Proud of You”?

    Ray Combs: Devon says, “We’re so proud”. Survey says? [ Second Strike ] Alright, Greg, it’s up to you. Something the family says to a recent college graduate?

    Greg Riley: Uh.. “We.. love you”?

    [ Third Strike ]

    Ray Combs: Oh.. alright, Thortons, chance to steal, all you need is one answer..

    Steve Thorton: “Get a Job!”

    Chip Thorton: “Should’ve gone to trade school!”

    Rebecca Thorton: “College has changed you, we don’t know you anymore!”

    Chip Thorton: “Trade School! Trade School! Trade School! Trade School!”

    Ray Combs: Okay! William? Something you say to the college graduate?

    William Thorton: I’m gonna go out on my own, Ray, and say, “I bet you think you’re smarter than me now.”

    Chip Thorton: [ complaining ] Oh, Daaad..

    William Thorton: So you have a problem with that?

    Chip Thorton: No, sir.. good answer, sir..

    Ray Combs: Let me see, “Bet you think you’re smart now!” [ Strike ] And the Rileys keep the bank! Alright, let’s see the Number Two answer up there, if we could. [ answer revealed ] Trade School.. and the Number Three answer.. [ revealed ] College Has Changed You, I Didn’t Know Who You Are Any More.. Okay. William, your family had the answer, but you went out on your own.

    William Thorton: Well, that’s okay, I don’t really care! I couldn’t care if we win or lose, I really don’t.. we don’t have to prove anything to you people!

    Ray Combs: Alright. I need two more players! [ Rebecca and Gary step down ] Alright, 100 people surveyed, the 3 most popular answers are on the board: Name something you find in your bedroom closet besides clothes. [ Rebecca pounds podium ]

    Rebecca Thorton: Your spare bible?

    [ “Extra Bibles: 32” revealed ]

    Ray Combs: Extra Bibles, yes! You’re gonna steal.. okay. Okay. Okay. Chip, very excited, okay! Chip, something in your bedroom closet besides clothes?

    Chip Thorton: [ racking his brain ] Ohhh.. geez..

    William Thorton: [ mean ] How about clothes you’ve gotten too fat for?

    Chip Thorton: Okay, Dad.

    Ray Combs: Can we see skinny clothes?

    [ First Strike ]

    Chip Thorton: Sorry, Dad..

    Steve Thorton: [ smacks Chip on the back of the head ] Why you keep apologizing to him?

    Chip Thorton: ‘Cause he’s..

    Ray Combs: Okay, Steve. Something in your bedroom closet besides clothes?

    Steve Thorton: A gun. A loaded gun.

    [ Second Strike ]

    Ray Combs: Sorry, no gun there!

    Steve Thorton: Eh-eh-eh, it is, there is, I swear it!

    William Thorton: You don’t have the guts!

    Steve Thorton: Yeah?

    Ray Combs: Okay. Something besides clothing that people keep in the closet. Three seconds.

    William Thorton: Uh.. personal items?

    Ray Combs: Be more specific.

    William Thorton: [ whispers ] Dirty magazines?

    [ “Dirty Magazines: 27” revealed as Number Two answer ]

    Ray Combs: Dirty magazines! Alright, okay. Bethany. It’s up to you, you can take this one home, or give it to the Rileys. Name something you find in your bedroom closet besides clothes.

    William Thorton: [ gritting teeth ] Come on!

    Bethany Thorton: [ trembling ] My father?

    [ William panics at her revelation ]

    Ray Combs: Can we see Her Father?

    [ “Your Father: 21” revealed as Number Three answer ]

    Yes! The Thortons, still champions! Congratulations!

    Rebecca Thorton: You see? Everything’s gonna be alright!

    Steve Thorton: No, no, it’s not alright, Mom! Just because we won does not make everything alright!

    William Thorton: Oh, I suppose we should lose?

    Steve Thorton: That’s not the point!

    Ray Combs: Well, that’s all the time we have, I’m Ray Combs, and I’ll see you next time on the Feud!

    [ the families gather at the center of the game show set ]

    Chip Thorton: Hey, Dad, Steve, look at me! [ dances in front of everyone, missing Steven and William getting into a fistfight off to the side ]

    Announcer: Tune in tomorrow, for more of the “Dysfunctional Family Feud”!

    SNL Transcripts

    Saturday Night Live: 1991-1992


     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 17: 1991-1992


    This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

    Starring:

  • Dana Carvey
  • Chris Farley
  • Phil Hartman
  • Victoria Jackson
  • Mike Myers
  • Kevin Nealon
  • Chris Rock
  • Julia Sweeney

    • Featuring:

  • Beth Cahill
  • Ellen Cleghorne
  • Siobhan Fallon
  • Al Franken
  • Melanie Hutsell
  • Tim Meadows
  • Adam Sandler
  • Rob Schneider
  • Rob Smigel
  • David Spade

    • Episodes

  • 09/28/91: Michael Jordan / Public Enemy
  • 10/05/91: Jeff Daniels / Color Me Badd
  • 10/12/91: Kirstie Alley / Tom Petty
  • 10/26/91: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt
  • 11/02/91: Kiefer Sutherland / Skid Row
  • 11/16/91: Linda Hamilton / Mariah Carey
  • 11/23/91: Macaulay Culkin / Tin Machine
  • 12/07/91: Hammer
  • 12/14/91: Steve Martin / James Taylor
  • 01/11/92: Rob Morrow / Nirvana
  • 01/18/92: Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson & Bruce Hornsby
  • 02/08/92: Susan Dey / C+C Music Factory
  • 02/15/92: Jason Priestly / Teenage Fanclub
  • 02/22/92: Roseanne & Tom Arnold / Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • 03/14/92: John Goodman / Garth Brooks
  • 03/21/92: Mary Stuart Masterson / En Vogue
  • 04/11/92: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam
  • 04/18/92: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox
  • 05/09/92: Tom Hanks / Bruce Springsteen
  • 05/16/92: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

    • Summary“That’s the news, and I am out of here!” Dennis Miller always quipped at the end of “Weekend Update”. And at the end of the 1990 season, he meant it – he was leaving for good, and not planning to “pathetically” hang around the set like Jon Lovitz did all season! With the departure of “Saturday Night Live”‘s longest-running anchorman, someone had to take over the show’s news segment. The assignment was given to frequent “Update” correspondent Kevin Nealon, a move which created a visible line among fans of “SNL”. Some will argue that Nealon had poor delivery, while others applaud his ability to come across sounding like a real newsman.

    The 1991 season may also be remembered for having the longest opening credits ever, with performers being announced in three different categories.

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