Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Culps

Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbie Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer
Senor Franklin…..Tim Meadows

Senor Franklin: Hola Estudiantes. Me llamo Senor Franklin. I am Senor Franklin. Your Spanish teacher. I hope your enjoying the fair. But I do want to say to the persons or personas who disrupted the jugglers by throwing taco meat at them, no es comica. NOT FUNNY! In fact i am Muy Furioso! Very Furious! Muy Furioso! That’s no way to treat our custodian 4 days before he retires. No es Frio, people not cool. Alright at any rate, not that you deserve it, we have a musical treat for you from the music department to instruct and entertain you. Please welcome the Merry Wanderers!

(taco meat is thrown at Senor Franklin from offside.)

Senor Franklin: STOP THROWING TACO MEAT!

(Bobbi and Marty enter stage with a Medieval tune playing in backround and wearing medieval costumes.)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. whoops we got a real hot mic here. can we adjust the treble on this one?

Marty Culp: Anyone? can we adjust it?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Is there an AVÂ peasant?

Both: AV peasant in the village? Out on a pilgrimage? Ok.

Marty Culp: Good day Lords and Ladies. I’m Marty Culp and milady,

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I’m Bobbi Mohan-Culp. What a way to send off a bunch of almost High schoolers with a fantastical all day mandatory renaissance fair.

Marty Culp: Boy! Look at all those great costumes out there!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I didn’t realize renaissance folk wore so many garments from Ambernathie and Flitch.

( mic screeches)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Real hot mic here.

Marty Culp: Treble’s a little tinny.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Got an AV knave?

Marty Culp: AV knave? No?

Marty Culp: there are a number of ways to make music in the renaissance era. And these funny looking instruments are part of the menstrual period.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We don’t learn anything if we’re laughing, people.

Marty Culp: No we don’t. We have a little surprise. The weaver from the junior college, Cheryl Hardwick, has offered to make a tunic for every 8th grader.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Isnt that a coup!

Both: Who cant wait to get their tunic?? That’ll be fun!

Marty Culp: You know that middle finger was extremely offensive even back at the battle of Bosworth, Bobby Van Rye.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And mooning was a sure fire way to loose your knighthood, Charlie Mckittrick.

Marty Culp: Anyway, in the spirit of this very, very fun day–

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yea its just been a gas–

Marty Culp: capital F.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yea, really a gas for us.

Marty Culp: We’ve prepared a little musical history lesson, for what we know as the Golden Age of Funk! 1! 2! 3! 4!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: April is in thy mistress face!

Both: But in her heart! But in her heart! But in her heart a cold December–

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: what a wench wants! What a wench needs! What ever makes her happy sets her free.

Marty Culp: And I thanking you for knowing that she’s no.

Both: Medieval woman! Do do do do do! Medieval woman! Do do do do do!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Renaissance if you want to do!

Marty Culp: You can leave the iron age behind.

Both: And if you can’t paint and if you can’t sculpt, then you’re no friend of mine!

Both: Renaissance! Renaissance!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And just like the ocean under the moon!

Marty Culp: That’s the same emotion that I get from you.

Both: You gotta kind of loving that makes me so smooth. Give me your heart make it real.

Marty Culp: Or else forget about it.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Let me see that thong!!

Marty Culp: what what, thighs like what what what?

Both: Baby move your butt butt butt. I think I’ll say it again!

Both: Dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what, what, what! Baby move your butt, butt, butt! I think I’ll say it again!

Both: oops I did it again.

Marty Culp: Invented movable type!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It led to a printing revolution!

Both: Pops the peasants can read!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Here comes the bubonic plague!

Marty Culp: You can’t read when your dead!

(Marty plays soft tune on keyboard and Senor Franklin plays flute in the backround)

Marty Culp: Senor Franklin on jazz flute.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Awoke last night to the sound of thunder–

Marty Culp: How far off I sat and wondered.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Started humming a song from 1523!

Marty Culp: Ain’t it funny how the night moves?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Medieval woman

Marty Culp: Ain’t it funny how the night moves.

(they repeat those 2 last lines 4 more times)

Both: Ain’t it funny how the night moves?? Ain’t it funny how the night moves!!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Have a great time at the Ren Fair!

Submitted by: Jenna

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Brandy Lane…..Sarah Michelle Geller
Wilma Slotsin…..Gina Gershon
…..Florence Henderson

Leon Phelps: I’m Leon Phelps, and welcome to “The Ladies Man”, the loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries. How y’all doin’? That is good. I’m doin’ fine, I got my bottle of Couversier right here. Hey, you know what? I am in a very relaxed mood, for, you, see soon the moist days of summer will be upon us. And you know what that means, don’t you? It means that I, Leon Phelps, will be needing to choose a new summertime skank. Now, I have narrowed my choices down to three very charming, very talented, very skanky individuals.. and tonight, we are gonna play “Who Wants To Be My Skank?” [ walks over to the set ] Alright, then. So let’s meet the contestant. Contestant #1 is a bus station skank. She makes her living by selling her underwear to perverts on the Internet. Sayhello to Brandy Lane.

Brandy Lane: [ walks out and sits ] Hi, Leon!

Leon Phelps: What is hapenin’, Brandy? Skanktestant #2 hails fromGary, Indiana. She is currently unemployed, but is living comfortably offa settlement she won for a leaky boob implant. Say hello to Wilma Slotsin.

Wilma Slotsin: [ walks out and sits ] Hey, Leon.

Leon Phelps: Hey, hello there, Miss Slotsin! And last, but not least,contestant #3 is the host of a very popular morning show here on NBC called”Later Today”. Please welcome Florence Henderson.

Florence Henderson: [ walks out and sits ] Leon, it is so nice tosee again!

Leon Phelps: It is so nice to see you, too, Flossie baby! So, ladies,are you ready to skank it up?

[ the three skanks cheer wildly ]

Florence Henderson: Let’s get skanky!

Leon Phelps: Yeah! Okay, Skank #1: “If you were an article ofclothing, what would you be?”

Brandy Lane: Well, Leon, I’m very warm, and very giving, and veryopen.. so I’d probably be a pair of crotchless panties!

Leon Phelps: [ near tears ] That is so beautiful! Skank #2: “Whatkind of clothing would you be?”

Wilma Slotsin: Well.. I’d probably be an old sneaker, because Idon’t mind being tied up, and I smell rank!

Leon Phelps: Ooohhhh! That is skanky! Okay, next question,Skank #3. I think it is important to think about your future, so let meask you this: “How skanky do you think you will be in five years?”

Florence Henderson: Oh, very skanky! When the world seeswhat I can really do with a bottle of Wesson Oil, well.. You knowwhat, Leon? I’m gonna be able to outskank Carmen Electra!

Leon Phelps: Ooh, Miss Wessonality! That is very good. Now, Skank#2: “If you could do one thing to make this a better world, what would youdo?”

Wilma Slotsin: Well.. it has always been my dream to wipe out all ofthe world’s diseases.. but I think that I should focus mainly on the onesthat itch my crotch.

Leon Phelps: Yea-heh! Listen, I’m very sorry about giving you that.

Florence Henderson: Oh, actually, Leon, I should apologize -I gave it to you first.

Leon Phelps: Listen, no apologies necessary, Flo-ho. It wasworth it! Now, here’s one for all of you: “Where is the most unusual placeyou have ever whoopie?” Skank #1?

Brandy Lane: Hmm.. that would be in the butt.. ler’s pantry..of the Playboy Mansion!

Leon Phelps: Intriguing, yeah! Skank #2?

Wilma Slotsin: Well.. I did it once in the ass.. pen, Coloradobus station.

Leon Phelps: That is fabulous, yeah! Skank #3: “What is the mostunusual place that you have ever done it?”

Florence Henderson: [ laughing ] That’s easy, Leon.. right down theold Hershey Highway! Yeah, just outside of Hershey, Pennsylvania!

[ Winner’s Bell rings ]

Leon Phelps: I think we have a winner! Skank #3, I am veryimpressed! How about a big hand for all of our skanks, everybody? Isn’tthat lovely? Well, that is all the time we have for “Who Wants To Be MySkank?” Ladies?

All: [ blow a kiss to the audience ] “Live, from New York, it’sSaturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

Jackie Chan’s Monologue

…..Jackie Chan
Steven Seagal….Will Ferrell
Jean Claude Van Damme….Chris Kattan
Sammo Hung….Horatio Sanz

[Jackie enters center stage on studio 8-H]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Chan!

[wild cheers and applause]

Jackie Chan: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Whoo! Thank you very, very much! [genuinely nervous] You know what? If you put a mike in my chest you can hear the heartbeat. Even myself I can hear from here. Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom- boom. I’m so scared. I’m so–because first time host a show in my life. [more cheers and applause] But I’m so excited. But I think I’m the first martial artist to host Saturday Night Live. But I promise tonight, there’s no violence. There’s—[Asian music plays]

[Steven Seagal appears with his ponytail, robe and doing jujitsu moves]

Steven Seagal: Jackie Chan.

Jackie Chan: Steven Seagal. What are you doing here?

Steven Seagal: You think you’re the first martial artist to host this show? That’s bullcrap. I hosted nine years ago.

Jackie Chan: I bet you were really funny. Because everything you’ve done is a joke.

Steven Seagal: You think just because you do all your own stunts that makes you a badass? Apparently you haven’t seen my work in “Hard to Kill”. “Out for Justice”. “Under Siege 2: Dark Territory”. I think you owe me an apology.

Jackie Chan: If I don’t?

Steven Seagal: I’m gonna go eat a sandwich. [leaves]

Jackie Chan: Like, I always use martial arts with comedy—

[Van Damme appears and does some lame unbalanced kicks]

Jackie Chan:: Who are you?

Jean Claude Van Damme: I’m Jean Claude Van Damme!

Jackie Chan: Jean Claude Van Damme? You look much smaller in real life.

Jean Claude Van Damme: Yeah? Well, Van Damme is bigger at the box office.

Jackie Chan: But I was in “Rush Hour”.

Jean Claude Van Damme: “Rush Hour”? Ha! Ha! Ha! Well, I did a little movie too last year. Maybe you heard of it. Its called “Legionnaire”?!

[No response from no one. Van Damme leaves ashamed]

Jackie Chan: Anyway, I really like mixing the comedy with the action—

[Fat ass action star Sammo Hung appears, does a few low kicks, out of breath immediately]

Jackie Chan: Oh, my God! Its Sammo hung from “Martial Law”!

Sammo Hung: Jackie, I need for–please, to answer this difficult question. How did I get stuck on martial art show with Arsenio Hall? Why me? Why did I do? What the hell? [leaves]

Guy from audience: Hey!

Jackie Chan: What action star are you?

Guy from audience: Did you ever see the movie “The Karate Kid”? I was Ralph Macchio’s make-up artist.

Jackie Chan: Make-up artist? What are you doing here?

[Guy from audience goes up the stage and grabs Jackie by the shirt]

Jackie Chan: Hey, hey, don’t insult me in front of audience.

Guy from audience: That’s the idea.

[Action music plays, Jackie twists the guy’s arm, grabs Jackie by the throat, Jackie spins him, ducks a punch, slams the guy on the chest, guy flips over and lands face first on the stage]

Jackie Chan: We have a great show! Kid Rock is here! So stick around we’ll be right back!

[Jackie kicks the guy in the face and bumps him offstage with a hip bump. Salutes the audience]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy

Female Employee…..Cheri Oteri
Male Employee #1…..Horatio Sanz
Male Employee #2…..Chris Kattan
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Wang…..Jackie Chan

Female Employee: Darnit! My computer froze again! You know, it hasn’t been the same since that virus attacked the system. Did anyone call Nick Burns?

Male Employee #1: Yeah, I called about a half hour ago. He told me to go soak my head.

Male Employee #2: [ shaking head ] I don’t like that guy.

Female Employee: Well I tried to run that Norton program to fix it but it didn’t work.

Nick Burns: That’s because the Norton Utilities can only detect a virus. It can’t repair your hard drive after you’ve downloaded an infected program, Patch Adams!

Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”

Nick Burns: Okay, blockheads, I’m getting ready to go on vacation – I’m training the new guy. If you need any help, you can call him this week, alright? [ turns to door ] Come on in here, Wang.

Wang: Hi, everybody!

Nick Burns: Alright, who’s having a problem? [ all three Employees start griping at once ] Alright, one at a time. My brain doesn’t have a zip drive! [ approaches Male Employee #2 ] What’s your problem?

Male Employee #2: Well.. I just.. um.. I can’t.. can’t..

Nick Burns: Talk? What, my screen saver’s about to kick in!

Male Employee #2: I’m doing the quarterly again. And I copied the spreadsheets into this new file. And this stupid computer just screwed up all my columns!

Nick Burns: Oh, it’s the computer that’s stupid, not you, right? [ Male Employee #2 shakes his head ] The computer’s screwed up.

Male Employee #2: Yeah, okay! Alright. I tried to cut and paste it..

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Cut and paste! [ to Wang ] Didn’t I tell you these guys were stupid? [ to Male Employee #2 ] Go to your default font, and change it to your spreadsheet font.

Male Employee #2: [ confused ] My spreadsheet has a font?

Nick Burns: Move! [ taps keys quickly ] Was that so hard?

Male Employee #2: I didn’t know my spreadsheet had a font..

Nick Burns: Obviously! Hey, you know they’re training monkeys down at the zoo to use computers, maybe I’ll sign you up for a class! [ approaches Male Employee #1 ]

Male Employee #1: Hey, Nick. Hey, Wang. How are things going today?

Nick Burns: About as fast as an LC-475 with a 32-bit processor!

Wang: Yeah, LC-475! [ they laugh ]

Nick Burns: I got to remember that one in the chat rooms. What’s your deal?

Male Employee #1: You know, the craziest thing’s happening..

Nick Burns: What, you stopped thinking about pudding for ten seconds?

Male Employee #1: Come on, I want to open this file! But it says I don’t have enough memory.

Nick Burns: Okay, drag your cursor up to the right side of the menu.

Male Employee #1: [ confused ] Where’s the menu?

Nick Burns: Oh, the last thing I expect you not to be able to find is the menu!

Male Employee #1: [ angry ] Alright, you just show me where it is!

Nick Burns: Move! [ taps keys quickly ] Was that so hard? Wang, go help out the Queen of Tetris over there.

Wang: Okay. [ approaches Female Employee ] What’s your problem, Einstein?

Female Employee: Wang, I’m trying to download an attachment from an e-mail..

Wang: Mmm-hmm..

Female Employee: ..but when I try, it just says that I need a file converter..

Wang: Mmm-hmm..

Female Employee: So, then I tried to save it to Word first, but it won’t let me. So what can I do?

Wang: Move! [ taps keys quickly ]

Female Employee: Did you fix it?

Nick Burns: Yeah, he fixed it. [ to Wang ] I told you these flapjacks are one meg short of a gig. [ a beeper goes off ] Son of a.. is that you? It’s me. It’s you? [ checks beeper ] Oh, it’s those idiots over at the R & D. I guess we gotta make like Microsoft..

Wang: And split! [ they laugh ]

Nick Burns: L-O-L! Let’s go! [ they walk out the door, then turn around ]

Together: Oh by the way, you’re welcome!

SNL Transcripts

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Air Date:

Hosts:

Musical Guest:





Special Guests:
September 26th, 1999

None

Eurythmics

Beastie Boys with Elvis Costello

Rev. Al Green

Bill Murray

Paul Shaffer

Dan Aykroyd

Laraine Newman

Garrett Morris

Chris Rock

Tom Hanks

Garth Brooks

Jon Lovitz

Sarah Michelle Geller

James van der Beek

Christopher Walken

Victoria Jackson

Paul Simon

Chevy Chase

Martin Short

Steve Martin

David Bowie

Jerry Seinfeld

Molly Shannon

Cheri Oteri

Adam Sandler

Rob Smigel

Jim Downey

Tim Herlihy

Billy Crystal

Mike Myers

Lorne Michaels

Tim Meadows

Kevin Spacey

Jan Hooks

Sting

Steven Tyler

Candice Bergen

Lily Tomlin

David Spade

Will Ferrell

Ana Gasteyer

Dennis Miller

Norm MacDonald

Alec Baldwin

Eurythmics, greatest hits medley

Beastie Boys with Elvis Costello, “Radio, Radio”

Rev. Al Green, greatest hits medley

Nick the Lounge Singer

Nick Thinblood (Bill Murray) opens for Jimmy Joe Red Sky’s (Dan Aykroyd) casino.

Recurring Characters: Nick “Thinblood”, Jimmy Joe Red Sky.

Chris Rock’s Monologue

Rock makes fun of the quality of movies made by SNL performers.

Schmitt’s Gay

(Repeat) See: 09/28/91.

Tom Hanks Audience Q&A

Tom Hanks unintentionally answers questions from the audience.

1995-1999 Highlights

Clips include: Spartan Cheerleaders, Roxbury Guys and The Ladies Man.

Paul Simon

Paul Simon introduces clips of SNL’s musical guest clips from the 70’s.

70’s Musical Guest Highlights

Clips include: Billy Preston, ABBA, The Rolling Stones and Blondie.

The Three Amigos

Steve Martin and Martin Short don’t dress as Three Amigos with Chevy Chase.

1975-1980 Highlights

Clips include: Wolverines, Right To Extreme Stupidity and The French Chef.

John Belushi Tribute

Dan Aykroyd and Laraine Newman introduce “Luck of the Irish” clip.

Seinfeld/Bowie

Next week’s act, Jerry Seinfeld and David Bowie, make awkward banter.

Gilda Radner Tribute

Cheri Oteri and Molly Shannon introduce “Nerds Make Out” clip.

Adam Sandler

Writers Rob Smigel, Jim Downey and Tim Herlihy help Adam Sandler speak.

80’s Musical Guest Highlights

Clips include: Prince, Duran Duran, Don Henley and Aerosmith.

Fernando

Fernando (Bill Crystal) roasts members of SNL’s celebrity audience.

Recurring Characters: Fernando.

1980-1985 Highlights

Clips include: Ebony & Ivory, Ed Grimley, Donny & Marie and Inside Out.

Dr. Evil

Mike Myers insists that Dr. Evil isn’t based on Lorne Michaels.

Mike Myers

Mike Myers recalls being the new guy in an acclamied cast.

1985-1990 Highlights

Clips include: Church Chat, Mr. Subliminal, Pat Stevens and Sweeney Sisters.

Phil Hartman Tribute

1986-1990 cast introduce “Love Is A Dream” clip.

Sting/Steven Tyler

Sting admits to having a decade-long orgasm during the 90’s.

90’s Musical Guest Highlights

Clips include: REM, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Nirvana, Madonna and Beck.

Bergen/Tomlin

Candice Bergen and Lily Tomlin’s sitcom history dates back to hosting in the 70’s.

1990-1995 Highlights

Clips include: Chippendale’s, Richmeister, Wayne’s World and Coffee Talk.

Chris Farley Tribute

David Spade introduces Paul McCartney “Chris Farley Show” clip.

The Culps

Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) warm up audience.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobby Mohan-Culp.

Weekend Update

Chevy Chase and Dennis Miller disagree on who’s the better Update anchor.

Norm MacDonald wonders why he didn’t get an invitation to the anniversary.

Weekend Update Highlights

Clips include: Emily Litella, Point/Counterpoint, Hollywood Minute and Operaman.

Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin talks about making fun of boss Lorne Michaels.

TV Funhouse

Lorne Michaels bores audience, hawks merchandise and sings of his greatness.

Meadows/Morris

Tim Meadows and Garrett Morris talk about the black man’s role on SNL.

Cast Photo

Dan Aykroyd organizes the studio audience for an official cast photo.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 6th, 2000

John Goodman

Neil Young

None

Kevin Brennan
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: Celebrity EditionSummary: Celebrities vie for the million dollar grand prize.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Emeril Lagasse, Kathie Lee Gifford, Rosie O’Donnell, Lance Bass.

Transcript

Montage

John Goodman’s Monologue

Platinum Mach 14Summary: The 14-bladed razor gives the closest shave since 1975’s revolutionary Triple-Trac.

Wanna Be a VJ 3Recurring Characters: Carson Daly.

The Office SkankSummary: Adele (Cheri Oteri), the office skank, flirts with her co-workers in the break room and drops sexual innuendos.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel explores the life of a catchphrase.

The Christopher Lowell ShowSummary: Christopher Lowell (Chris Kattan) and his fey panel of experts give foppish decorating tips.

Transcript

Neil Young performs “Razor Love”

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Rock & Roll Paradise

The Bloder BrothersSummary: Bloder brothers Kip (Jimmy Fallon) and Wayne (Chris Parnell) are pulled over for a DUI.

Recurring Characters: Kip Bloder, Wayne Bloder.

Transcript

Neil Young performs “Silver & Gold”

Tek-CoSummary: THe appliance pirates use to test the validity of gold coins.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Office Skank

Joe…..Chris Parnell
Tim…..Tim Meadows
Chris…..Chris Kattan
John…..John Goodman
Temp…..Rachel Dratch

Adele: Hey Fellas, who’s mixin’ up the testosterone? Cause believe me, I could use a shot, or three!

Joe: [annoyed] Hi Adele. Is that a tube top you’re wearing?

Adele: Good eye. Just a little elastic basket to hold my peaches. Would you like some nectar, Hector?

Joe: You know my name is Joe.

Adele: Mmm, I could use me a cup of joe right now. And by joe, I mean a cup of your man milk. I’m talkin’ about your semen!

Joe: Yeah I got it Adele; man milk could only mean one thing.

Adele: Yeah? Well this boy’s got one thing in his pants that’d Id like to wrap my sweaty little mitts around. I’m talking about putting my hands on you penis.

Tim: Yes, and again there’s no confusion there. Adele, we got it thanks.

Adele: Well speaking of getting it, I’m going to head over to the old icebox and get my oyster platter. [Walks away] What cha’ looking at fellas, it is broke? Well whoever wants to fix it can use his wrench. And by wrench I mean that wrinkly thing you urinate out of or have sex with.

Chris: We know what you’re talking about, all right?! Just keep walking!

[John enters]

John: Hey guys, nice job on that Anderson report. [Sees Adele] Oh my God! Hi Adele, you drop something?

Adele: Huh? Well now that you’re around I’m hoping to drop something. I was talking about my panties. You see I would have to take them off for you see my naked genitalia.

John: Yeah I got it Adele, now please just let me get my lunch, eat it and then toss it up.

Adele: You know what you could toss mine with?

John: What?

Adele: Dem’ meatballs you’re hiding in those kakis. I’m talking about your testicles.

John: Thanks Adele. I’m going to tell you something; you are very bad at innuendo.

Adele: Oh really? Well I want you bad in my end-o. I’m talking you nailing my butt!

John: Duh, OK is that what you meant? I had no idea. You know, sexual harassment goes both ways.

Adele: Oh I go both ways baby! Sure, is this what your talking about? Cause this is what I’m talking about.

Temp: [surprised] I’m just a temp!

Adele: Oh yea we could make our sandwich, with us as the bun and you as the hot dog. And by hot dog, I mean that dirty, man-meat; dangling betwix’d your legs.

John: Yeah. Adele, again there was no question about to what your were referring to. This is what I’ve been trying to tell you, you’re very, very unprofessional.

Adele: Unprofessional? Well maybe I should get professional and make you pay me to rub your boner. And by boner, I mean hard pee-pee.

John: By pee-pee, are you referring to urine or the actual member itself?

Adele: Ha-ha that’s a good question. I’ll have to get back to you on that. If anyone needs me I’ll be in my office. [Starts to leave and stops] Ooo, and by office, I mean that room down the hall with the waterbed and the KY. Why? Oh you’ll see! You’ll see!

[End Scene]

Submitted by: Bree-Marie

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Bloder Brothers

Wayne Bloder….Chris Parnell
Kip Bloder….Jimmy Fallon
White Cop….John Goodman
Black Cop….Tim Meadows

(Opens with a cop car wailing its siren and pulling over a car to the side of the road at night. Perm haired brothers Kip and Wayne sit beside their car on a guardrail. A big white cop approaches them with a flashlight, his partner, a black cop, is behind him.)

White Cop: You gentlemen know you´re not supposed to get out of your vehicle until we tell ya´?

Wayne: Oh-oh, book us Dan-O!

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Do you want us to get back in?

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Forget it. You boys have any idea why we pulled you over?

Wayne: Don´t worry officer or should I say “occifer”. I´m not as think as you drunk I am.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: That´s right. We only had tee martoonis.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: He´s my designated driver. He drives me to drink.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: I don´t have a drinking problem. I drink, no problem.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: I´m sorry officers. My brother and I are a couple of cutups but I assure you, we´re completely sober.

Black Cop: Yeah, but you guys were 10 miles over the speed limit.

Kip: We were singing some golden oldies and got a little jazzed up.

Wayne: We just got off work. Would you guys like to guess what we do for a living?

Black Cop: Chia pets?

Wayne and Kip: Ooooohhhh!!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!

White Cop: You sell home perm kits?

(Brothers laugh hard)

Wayne: Good guesses, but wrong.

Kip: We caliber thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

(Wayne and Kip bang a rhythm on the guardrail and sing their jingle)

Wayne:(sing) You got 10,000 pounds of beef to be cool…

Kip:(sing) Here my friends is the only rule…

Wayne and Kip:(sing) Call the Bloder Brothers!

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Boy, if there were ever a reason for police brutality, this would be it.

Wayne and Kip: Hi-Yo!(laugh)

White Cop: Ok Bloder brothers, can I see your license and registration?

Wayne: You can see me naked, if you want.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: You can see us both naked, if you want.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: We´ll dance the naked jig, if you want. You got the guns.

Black Cop: (getting angry) Just the license would be fine.

(Wayne gives his wallet to the white cop)

White Cop: You´re Wayne Bloder?

Wayne: Guilty.(giggles)

Kip: I´m the other Bloder, Kip.

(Brothers laugh)

(The Bloder Brothers do robot moves)

Wayne and Kip: (robot voices) And…we…are…the…Bloder…Brothers.

Black Cop: You guys think you´re really funny, don´t you?

Wayne: No, just good looking.

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Book these guys for public nuisance.

(Brothers laugh hard)

Wayne: Ouch! Help! I´ve been wounded.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Officers, I´d like to report an insult.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop: (menacingly) You guys know what a nightstick is?

Wayne and Kip: Oh Boy!! (laugh)

White Cop: All right, stand up for me, Wayne.

Wayne: Oh, you got it. (Stands up)

White Cop: Ok, interlock your fingers behind your head Mr. Bloder.(Wayne complies and the white cop pats him down) Spread your legs.

Wayne: Oh, I didn´t think I was gonna get any tonight.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Hey, aren´t you guys gonna buy him dinner first?

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: Be gentle, I´m a first timer.

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: (slaps the nightstick on his hand) You´re gonna need to shut your mouth, Mr. Bloder.

Wayne and Kip: Za-Zing!!(laugh)

Black Cop: Just shut up and walk a straight line!

Wayne: I´d like to use one of my lifelines if I could.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: And that is his final answer.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop:(angry) Walk a straight line!

(Wayne walks the line)

Wayne: I´ve been striking out with the ladies lately so I´m a little fuzzy on the meaning of “straight”.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: If we strike out one more time, you can call us Sigfried and Roy.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop: Bloder brothers! Zip it! Final Warning!

Wayne and Kip: (quietly) Hi-yo.

White Cop: Mr. Bloder, pull out your arms, touch your nose.

(Wayne touches his nose and starts humming circus music)

Black Cop: Hey!!

Wayne: I didn´t say anything!

White Cop: What is your problem? We´re this close to taking you downtown, throwing you in a holding tank and let me tell you, it ain´t no party, so STOP LAUGHING!!

Wayne: (meekly) A laugh a day keeps the doctor away.

Kip: (meekly) Doctor, doctor, give me the news.

Black Cop: (dead serious) I´m gonna take this nightstick and hit you in the head.

Wayne: (voice breaking) Heads up. Oh, God.(cries)

Kip: (crying) Up, up and away.

(Wayne and Kip laugh and cry at the same time)

White Cop: I can´t believe this. You guys are a mess. Look at you. Laughing and crying at the same time.

Black Cop: Lets just let them go. Can you imagine driving back to the station with these two guys in the backseat?

White Cop: Fine by me. (gives Wayne back his wallet) Word of advice: slow it down, pull it together. (leaves)

Black Cop: (angry) I wish you guys were drunk, it would give me an excuse. (leaves)

Wayne: That was a close one.

Kip: Maybe that guy was right.

Wayne: Right about what?

Kip: I wish we were drunk too.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: Want to go on a 3-day bender?

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: If we do it in the car, it´ll be a fender-bender.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne and Kip: Hi-Yo!

(The Bloder Brothers get back in their car)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Christopher Lowell Show

Christopher Lowell…..Chris Kattan
Helen Gerard…..Ana Gasteyer
Ed Gerard…..John Goodman
Patrick Clifford…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: You’re watching the Discovery Channel.

Christopher Lowell: (in gay voice) I’m ChristopherLowell. Today we’ll teach you how to give your trash afaaabulous makeover. Well, stay tuned. We’ll give youlots of ideas on how on turning trash into treasure…nee-ee! On today’s Christopher Lowell Show!

(theme music plays)

Christopher Lowell: (gruff) Hi… (sissy) everyone!(normal gay voice) I’m Christopher Lowell. Today we’regoing to show you how to turn yesterday’s trashonablesinto unique fashionables! Ah-ah! Mmm. Because there’snothing better than enhancing your home by convertinguseless furniture into conversation pieces! Joining ustoday are the owners of Not Too Shab-by, a designstore just outside of San Diego, California, Ed andHelen Gerarrrd!!!

(Helen and Ed walk on the set. Ed looks just likeChristopher.)

Christopher Lowell: Welcome. Wow! So, how are you guysdoing?

Helen Gerard: Fine, thanks.

Ed Gerard: (in Christopher’s voice) Hi, Christopher.

Christopher Lowell: Hi-iii! So, you two are married,right?

Helen Gerard: Uh-huh.

Ed Gerard: Fourteen years. Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Nee-ee! I know how that feels. NO,I DON’T! Anyway, so, Helen, how did you two getinvolved in interior design?

Helen Gerard: Well, I’m an artist, specializing indecoupage.

Ed Gerard: And I used to work at Crate and Barrel.

Christopher Lowell: (gasps) Me too!

(Christopher and Ed scream)

Ed Gerard: That is super!

Christopher Lowell: Super-superrr!

Ed Gerard: Mmm-mmm!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah! Anyway, focus, focus,focussss. Now, Helen, tell us about your store, NotToo Shab-by.

Helen Gerard: Well, Christopher, we buy old furnitureand knicknacks from garage sales and flea markets, andthen we alter each item into an artistic piece for thehome.

Ed Gerard: Forrr example, this 19th century tea tablefrom China, is made of “muflabi,” which is a tropicalhardwood.

Christopher Lowell: (sarcastic) Hmm, tea for two.Nee-ee!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah! Anyway, we spruced it up for ourhome by box-painting the surfaccce, and then weattached little googly eyes we found at the statefair.

Christopher Lowell: So, it’s kind of like… it’s likea tea table? But, you can show it like a shelf piece,like, hang it up on your bathroom wall.

Ed Gerard: AAAAH!

Helen Gerard: What? What?

Ed Gerard: That’s exactly what we diddddd!

Christopher Lowell: That is so weird!

Ed Gerard: Mmm-mmm, really weirddd.

Christopher Lowell: Now, anyway, in my bedroom, I gotone of those 1940’s vintage telephones that I got at afleeea markettttt. But, to bring out the warmth of mybedroom, I wrapped the phone in this gorgeous Frenchlinen fabric. Ooh.

Ed Gerard: AAH! We covered our toaster in fabric, too!

Christopher Lowell: Please tell me it was chenille!

Ed Gerard: Yesssss!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Mmm-mm!

Helen Gerard: (chuckles) I’m sorry, I just feel likeyou guys are having your own conversation and I don’tfeel like I’m part of it.

(Ed and Christopher stare at her, confused)

Christopher Lowell: Okay… (his beard is coming off)well, then, let’s just bring out our next guest. He’scurrently teaching a course… (beard is still comingoff) I haven’t looked in the mirror all day, so…(talks as beard is coming off) he’s currently teachinga course in interior design at Cal State Northridge.Please welcome, Patrick Clifforddd!

(Patrick Clifford enters. He also looks likeChristopher.)

Christopher Lowell: Patrick, what do you have for ustodayyy?

Patrick Clifford: Well, I took an old, dirty toiletseat that I found in the back of a Dairy Queen, turnedit into a decorative centerpiece by hustling somemacaroni along the border and sprinkling it with someglitter.

Christopher Lowell: (confused) Gorgeous… (beard isstill coming off) Helen, Ed, would you uh, like to addanything?

Helen Gerard: Sure. I just want to say that no matterwhat style you decorate your personal space with, itis important to mix and match.

Patrick Clifford: Mix and match? That’s exactly what Itold my students!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah!

Patrick Clifford: Mmm-mmm!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Mmm-mmm!

Patrick Clifford: Ah-ah!

(Christopher, Ed, and Patrick constantly continuemaking gay noises)

Helen Gerard: Guys, would you guys just STOP IT? Getyour hands out of your mouths! Stop! Jeez!

(theme music starts, gay noises stop)

Christopher Lowell: Ohh! That’s our cue! Hurry back!

(gay noises resume, Helen yells at Christopher, Ed,and Patrick until fade)

submitted by: Downloader12

SNL Transcripts