Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

Deandra Wells Comeback Tour

Gordon Davis…..Will Ferrell
Alan “Sticks” McRae…..Chris Parnell
Donny Gordon…..Horatio Sanz
Deandra Wells…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on exterior, Las Vegas, night ]

[ a sign outside the Westward Ho advertises: “DEANDRA WELLS Feel The Love Tour” ]

[ dissolve to interior, as Deandra Wells’ back-up band performs “Mandy” for the crowd ]

[ the audience applauds their performance ]

Gordon Davis: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thanks again for being so patient. In just a few minutes, the lady herself — Ms. Deandra Wells — will take the stage. While we’re waiting, let me introduce you to the band. Mr. Alan “Sticks” McRae on drums. [ Alan beats a lick to his own delight, as Grodon shrugs ] And on bass, our resident smart-aleck — Donny Gordon. [ the pipe-toting Donny strums his bass and spins it around, as Gordon laughs ] And… the incomparable Gordon Davis on piano. [ he acts with mock surprise ] Hey, that’s me! Okay, folks — [ an attendant leans over the piano to whisper a message to Gordon ] Alright. Looks like we’re all set. Fellas? [ the band plays Deandra’s entrance music ] We’re so truly blessed to have worked with this legendary musical superstar for the past four decades. Ladies and gentlemen, the diva of all divas — the Queen of song — Deandra Wells!

[ Deandra Wells emerges from behind a curtain, nearly tripping as she makes her entrance ]

Deandra Wells: Thank you so much! Thank you, thank you so, so much! Ohhhhhh, feel the love! Feel the love! how wonderful it must be for all of you to be here with me. Ohhh! [ sings ] “In a child’s mind…” [ audience applauds ] My first platinum hit — thanks for remembering! THank you! I’m not too happy with the sound system, but we’ll try and make a go of it.

[ singing ]

“In a child’s mind
A dream can be just a… balloon.
But in a woman’s heart
A dream floats away much too soon.”

[ the audience applauds more ]

Ohhhh, thank you so much! hank you! [ to the band ] Could we take this way down? Could we take this way down? I want to sing this real quiet for the people. Real quiet. They’re so special! [ looks out into the audience ] Oh, look at you, girl! You are HUGE! And you are beautiful! Oh, God bless every INCH of you! Ohhhhhh!! [ as Gordon plays the piano ] Shh shh shh shh shh!! Let’s bring it down — let’s bring it way down. [ Gordon softens his playing ] Let’s bring it way down.

Gordon Davis: [ grabs his microphone ] We’re way down, now.

Deandra Wells: Shh, shh shh shh shh shh!! Shh shh shh shh shh!! [ pause ] A little louder. A little louder, I need something. I need something!

Gordon Davis: [ annoyed ] I don’t know what you want, Deandra!

Deandra Wells: I want you to do your job, Boo-Boo! [ to the audience ] Boo-Boo Davis, everybody! Boo-Boo Davis —

Gordon Davis: [ correcting her ] Gordon Davis!

Deandra Wells: I call him Boo-Boo ’cause he makes a lot of mistakes! [ she cracks up laughing ] But I keep in the family, ’cause he’s just like one of me! You know what I mean? I love you, Boo. I love you, Boo!

[ the expression on Gordon’s face reveals that he’s not the least bit amused. It is clear that he would like to leap over his piano and strangle Deandra. ]

Deandra Wells: [ sings a couple more bars of “Through a Child’s Eyes” ] You know, we would have done this tour a lot earlier, but the guys all took some time off. Doing the solo thing. But, lucky for me, they all failed! [ she chuckles ] Boo-Boo, especially! [ approaches Gordon ] Boo-Boo? Boo-Boo, look at me — in the eye. Boo-Boo, look me right here in the eyes. [ Gordon doesn’t avert his gaze ] I know when you’re looking at me and when you’re not. Boo-Boo, look me right here. [ Gordon slowly turns his head towards Deandra ] There you go. [ she raises her finger ] When you are here on this stage — with me — you will never be a joke.

[ Gordon stares at Deandra with contempt, as she begins singing again ]

Deandra Wells: [ singing ]
“Through a child’s eye
A tree makes a castle… of lo-o-ove!
But on a woman’s face, the tears fit her cheek like a glo-o-o-o-ove.”

You know, I first sang this song with Mr. Neil Sedaka, but, unfortunately, he could not be here with us tonight. So Boo-Boo’s gonna help me out with the duet part. And he doesn’t do too well under pressure, so let’s keep our fingers crossed, okay?

[ singing ] “In a child’s mouth…”

Gordon Davis: [ singing off-key ] “A lollipop can ta-aste so swee-eet!”

Deandra Wells: He’s no Sedaka, I know.

[ singing ] “But to a woman’s ear…”

Gordon Davis: [ singing off-key ] “The sound of good-bye is no treat.”

Deandra Wells: Ooooohhhh!! One of us is flat!

[ singing together ]
“Keep the woman-child inside your woman
Don’t let her run away.
Keep the woman-child –“

[ high-pitched feedback suddenly occurs ]

Owww!!! Ow! This SHOCKED me, DAMMIT!!

Gordon Davis: [ snarkily ] Good.

Deandra Wells: You can go to HELL, Boo-Boo!!

Alan “Sticks” McRae: [ jumps to his feet ] NO!! YOU go to HELL, Deandra!! Did you ever ONCE go to one of his solo shows?!! Even once?!! Did you know that he was nominated for a Grammy, for Best Spoken Recording?!! He has the voice of an angel!! [ he sits ]

Donny Gordon: Hey, you know what?! Never, EVER, make us stand in alphabetical order at the card table while YOU write our OUR checks!!

Gordon Davis: And you listen!! You LISTEN, you DIVA WHORE!! Don’t you ever, EVER, shove me down the steps of the tour bus again!! And, starting RIGHT NOW, I DO NOT babysit your Italian greyhound!! GOT IT?!! [ Deandra is stunned, so Gordon jumps up and pinches her ] YOU GOT IT?!! [ Deandra backs off ] GOOD!!

[ a stunned Deandra turns to face the crowd, then flourishes her arms ]

Deandra Wells: Thank you so much, thank you so much! [ singing ] “In a child’s mind…” Feel the love — feel the love, everybody! Come on! [ singing ] “A dream can be just a… balloon.” It’s all about love — it’s all about you all loving me! Thank you so much!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

Woodrow

Woodrow…..Tracy Morgan
…..Britney Spears
Britney’s Manager…..Chris Parnell
Fan #1…..Chris Kattan
Fan #2…..Will Ferrell
Fan #3…..Molly Shannon
Fan #4…..Jimmy Fallon

[Fans cheering for Britney]

Woodrow: (Pushing through fans to get to Britney) Over here Britney! It’s me Woodrow!

Britney’s Manager: Ok, listen. Stand back. Stand back, everyone. Mrs. Spears is very tired everyone. So I’m sorry there will be no autographs tonight.

[Fans begin calling again]

Woodrow: Look it here everyone, it’s me Woodrow! Woodrow!

[Fans groan at scent of Woodrow]

Fan #1: Aww, he stinks!

Britney’s Manager: Please do not come any closer to Mrs. Spears.

Fan #2: He thinks he’s gonna talk to Britney!

[Fans laugh at Woodrow]

Fan #3: (Pointing at Woodrow) Look everyone he’s craaaazy!

Fan #4: Hey! He doesn’t even have any money to see the show!

(Fans continue to laugh)

Woodrow: HEY! That’s not funny! WHY? WHY? Stop laughing at me! I have feelings too! Stop laughing at me. Woodrow didn’t hurt no one! (Woodrow starts crying)

Britney’s Manager: Ok, Ok. Listen, Listen. Everyone the shows over. Let’s break this up.Ok. We gotta go.

Britney: Wait a minute. They hurt his feelings. I’m so sorry, would you like me to sign your telephone book for you?

Woodrow: Who me?

Britney: Yes you. You old cry baby.

Woodrow: I guess I kinda overreacted.

Britney: Here use this. (Hands Woodrow purple handkerchief)

Woodrow: Thanks. (Wipes eyes) It’s just that I’m.. I’m such a big fan, and when they started laughing at me, I just wanted to run home.

Britney: Where’s home?

Woodrow: About 10 feet from here.

Britney: You live in the alley?

Woodrow: No, down in the manhole. I live in the sewer.

Britney: I tell ya what, since these people are kinda stuffy anyways how about I walk you home.

Woodrow: You mean it? You would do that?

Britney: For you? Come on Woodrow.

(Fans get restless)

Britney’s Manager: Britney! Where are you going? We’ve gotta, We’ve gotta plane to catch!

Britney: I’ll be back, I’m just gonna go down in the sewer.

Britney’s Manager: The sewer?! Britney no! (Woodrow and Britney climb down manhole) What are you doing?

Fan #3: You guys! Britney is heading down into the sewer with a crazy homeless man!

Fan #1: That’s big news!

Fan #3: Britney!

Britney’s Manager: Somebody stop her! Someone call the police!

Fan #4: Let’s all go down in the sewer!(Fans cheer)

Britney’s Manager: No, no, no, no…It’s too dangerous.

(Britney and Woodrow are shown in sewer)

Woodrow: Well, this is it. This is where I live.

Britney: It’s not so bad…I like the mailbox!

Woodrow: Oh I stole that ’cause it had secrets about me.

Britney: You know what? Sometimes I’d like to steal a mailbox.

Woodrow: Oh you’re just sayin’ that.

Britney: I know.

Woodrow: Say Britney, I was wondering…

Britney: What?

Woodrow: Well your always singing for everyone else and I wrote this, this song and I thought…

Britney: Aw that’s so sweet…Yes, please I’d love to hear it.

Woodrow: I got it right here. I mean it’s no “Oops I Did It Again” but…

Britney: Just sing it!

Woodrow: (singing)
Little TV sets, goin’ off inside my ear
Spaceman floating by
Firecracker beer
Chased a demon’s lightning
Music hits your eye
Up and down the sidewalk
Take a Doo Doo Pie
I Love You

Britney: Oh my gosh that was so beautiful.

Woodrow: You mean it?

Britney: I do. It was really nice.

Woodrow: I kinda wrote it at a really crazy time in my life. You really like it?

Britney: I love it.

Woodrow: I love you.

Britney: I love you too.

(As Woodrow and Britney are about to kiss…)

Britney’s Manager (From Above) Britney! Britney Spears. Are you down there in the sewer?

Britney: It’s my manager…

Britney’s Manager: (From Above) We’re coming to get you.

Woodrow: You better go.

Britney: I can’t! I wanna stay with you. Down here in the sewer.

Woodrow: Shhhh. No, the world up there needs you. You go.

Britney: I’ll see you Woodrow…

Woodrow: So long Britney…

(Britney climbs up ladder out of sewer)

Woodrow: (singing)
Chased a demon’s lightning.
Music hits your eye.
Up and down the sidewalk.
Take a Doo Doo Pie.
I Love You.

(fade)

Submitted by: Andrew Gould

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 20th, 2000

Jackie Chan

Kid Rock

None

Sarah Michelle Geller

Gina Gershon

Florence Henderson

Andy Murphy

Trey Anastasio
The Ladies ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) plays a round of “Who Wants To Be My Skank?”

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript

Montage

Jackie Chan’s MonologueSummary: Other action film stars challenge Jackie Chan.

Recurring Characters: Steven Seagal.

Transcript

Nick Burns, Your Company Computer GuySummary: Nick Burns (Jimmy Fallon) informs the terminal drones that Wang (Jackie Chan) will be filling in for him while he’s on vacation.

Recurring Characters: Nick Burns.

Transcript

The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie (Ana Gasteyer) sing an unusual medley at the school’s Rennaissance Festival.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbi Mohan-Culp, Senor Franklin.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Fans interrupt during the filming of Madonna’s “American Pie” music video.

The ZimmermannsSummary: Flirtations run rampant between Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura Zimmermann (Cheri Oteri) and inter-racial couple Kim (Jackie Chan) and Kim (Molly Shannon) while on a miniature golf course.

Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmermann, Laura Zimmermann.

Legends in ConcertSummary: A concert of rock legend impersonators includes Chang Cong Sun’s (Jackie Chan) Chinese unconvincing Elvis portrayal.

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

Kid Rock performs “American Bad Ass”

Pretty LivingSummary: Joyologist Helen Madden (Molly Shannon) shows off her new aerobic lover, Rusty Lao (Jackie Chan).

Recurring Characters: Gail Gleeson, Helen Madden.

CalgonSummary: Laundromat owner (Jackie Chan) protects the secret of Calgon from a nosy customer (Chris Parnell).

Transcript

The Men At The Center of the EarthSummary: Various men from around the globe meet up while digging a series of tunnels below the earth’s surface.

Transcript

Kid Rock performs “Only God Knows Why”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

Calgon

Customer…..Chris Parnell
Mr. Ling…..Jackie Chan
Mrs. Ling…..Maya Rudolph

Customer: How do you get your shirts so white, Mr. Ling?

Mr. Ling: Shh. Ancient Chinese Secret.

[ cut to back room of laundromat, where Mrs. Ling listens ]

Mrs. Ling: My husband – some hotshot. Here’s his “Ancient Chinese Secret” – new, improved Calgon. Calgon helps shirts get up to 30% whiter. [ enters front room of laundromat shaking empty Calgon box ] We need more Calgon!

Customer: “Ancient Chinese Secret”, huh?

[ Mr. Ling jumps over the counter and pummels the customer against the wall, then raises him in the air by his shirt collar ]

Mr. Ling: If you tell anybody about this.. you’re dead man!

Mrs. Ling: [ listening again from back room ] New Calgon. Shh.. our secret.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Men At The Center Of The Earth

American Man…..Will Ferrell
Chinese Man…..Jackie Chan
French Man…..Chris Parnell
Ghanaian Man…..Tracy Morgan
Ecuadorian Man…..Horatio Sanz

[In a hole, a man is digging.]

American Man: Ten million . . . ten million and one . . . ten million and two. Whoo! Take a break. Ten million and two. [Takes a drink from a water bottle.] Well, Gabriel, old boy, they said you couldn’t do it. They said you were crazy. “You can’t dig a hole all the way to China! You’ll never make it!” [Laughs.] But soon you’re gonna prove them wrong. Soon you’ll be in China. [Goes back to digging.] Ten million and three . . . [He stops, hearing another voice somewhere.] What the hell?

[A Chinese man, also with a shovel, bursts through the dirt wall.]

American Man: Who are you?

Chinese Man: [Says something in Chinese.] What?

American Man: Huh? Who are you?

Chinese Man: Who are you, in my hole to America?

American Man: Your hole to America? How dare you! This is MY hole to China! You’ve ruined it!

Chinese Man: No! You are in my way! You turn around and go back!

American Man: Me, turn around? No, no, I’m not going to let you just use my hole like it’s your own hole!

Chinese Man: This is MY hole!

American Man: No, siree! No, siree! Okay? My name is Gabriel Ziskin! I started digging this hole in my backyard in Patterson, New Jersey four months ago, okay, after a fight with my wife! And let me tell you, I did not say to her, “To hell with you, I’m going to dig a hole halfway to China!” Now, get out of my way!

Chinese Man: No way!

American Man: Okay, we’ll see about that.

Chinese Man: I’ve been digging a hole five –

[More digging is heard.]

American Man: Wait, hang on. What’s that noise?

[A third man, from France, also bursts into the hole with the Chinese and American men.]

French Man: [Says some stuff in French.]

American Man: Oh, for God’s sake!

Chinese Man: Why are you in my hole to America?

French Man: Your hole to America? This is my hole, to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean!

American Man: Why would you want to dig a hole to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?

French Man: I have my reasons.

American Man: Man, what are the chances of these three holes running into each other?

[More digging is heard, and an African man shovels through the wall.]

Ghanaian Man: Get out of the damn way!

American Man: Man alive, what is this?

Ghanaian Man: I’m digging a hole from Ghana to New Zealand.

French Man: This is unacceptable!

[A fifth man, in a prison uniform, goes through to the hole with everybody else.]

Ecuadorian Man: You can say that again!

Chinese Man: Who are you?

Ecuadorian Man: I am escaped prisoner from Ecuador! I am digging my way to Algeria! Now get out of my way!

[The men, except for the American man, start arguing with each other.

American Man: Gentlemen! Please! Gentlemen! This bickering is pointless! We’re all obviously very good at digging! In fact, this might be the greatest gathering of hole-diggers in history! Let’s put aside our petty differences and celebrate what is common in each of us: digging.

[The other men start talking again, apologizing to each other.]

American Man: That’s why I suggest we stay here, and live as one! All nations united! America!

Chinese Man: China!

Ghanaian Man: Ghana!

Ecuadorian Man: Ecuador!

French Man: France!

American Man>: And America!

[Patriotic-sounding music pots up.]

American Man: We shall build a society! A utopia! Right here, in the center of the earth!

“We’ll live in the center of the earth
To see what life is worth
In the center of the earth!”

French Man:
“We’ll be free
As free as you can be
Ten thousand miles beneath the sea
In the center of the earth!”

Together:
“We’ve dug ourselves to glory!
The plows will tell the story.
Of the men who dared to live
In the center of the earth!”

Chinese Man and Ecuadorian Man:
“At last
China and Ecuador
Are friends forever more
At the center of the earth”

French Man and Ghanaian Man:
“We’ll eat
Dirt and rocks and mud
The heat will boil our blood
At the center of the earth!”

Together:
“We’ve dug ourselves to glory!
The plows will tell the story
Of the men who dared to live
At the center of the earth!”

V/O: And eight minutes later, they were all dead!

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts