Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Announcer: This is ABC News, “Nightline”. Reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel.
[ dissolve to Ted Koppel at his newsdesk ]
Ted Koppel: The passing of Charles Schultz has left a void in the heart of America. His loyal readers, young and old alike, are celebrating Schultz’s humor, warmth, and unique view on life. Tonight on “Nightline”, some of those who worked closely with him would like to share their thoughts on this wonderful man. Joining us tonight from his home in Phoenix, Arizona: Franklin.
[ cut to large-headed Franklin, sitting on a bench outside his home ]
Franklin: Hello, Ted.
Ted Koppel: And, from her cabin in North Hampton, Massachusetts: Peppermint Patty’s little friend, Marcie.
[ cut to large-spectacled Marcie sitting inside her cabin home ]
Marcie: Hi, sir!
Ted Koppel: And, finally, from his office in Seattle: Pigpen.
[ cut to large-headed Pigpen sitting in an interior office setting, a cloud of dust rising behind him ]
Pigpen: Hi, Ted.
[ cut back to Ted ]
Ted Koppel: Now.. Franklin, let me just start with you. How did Charles Schultz touch your life?
Franklin: Well, back then, uh — I mean, this was the days before “Fat Albert” — I mean, back then, in was hard for a brother to get into the funnies. No one wanted to take the time to do the shading [ Ted shakes his head ] But, Charles Schultz, he looked beyond race, he knew that, deep down, we’re all the same: we all have heads the size of the rest of our bodies, and, when we turn sideways, our mouthes disappear.
Ted Koppel: So true, Franklin! I should mention, at this time, that Charlie Brown very much wanted to be here tonight, but he’s on-location in Thailand shooting a film with Chow Yun-Fat. But he has issued this statement:
[ show slide of Charlie Brown and his quote ]
Ted Koppel V/O: “My dog, his bird friend and I are terribly saddened by this loss. It has hit me hard, like a line drive tossing me mid-air and knocking the clothes off my body.”
[ cut back to Ted ]
Ted Koppel: Now.. Marcie, I’d like to turn to you —
Marcie: Uhh.. yes, sir?
Ted Koppel: You say Charles Schultz was like a father to you?
Marcie: Well, sir.. yes, sir. I was going through quite a few “personal” problems — I — I was confused about my sexual orientation. And Mr. Schultz was cool about it, at a tme when my own family wasn’t. I was pretty upset with Peppermint Patty, sir, but she just didn’t like me that way! [ lifts her head ] Aaaagggghhhhhh!!!
Ted Koppel: I see.
Franklin: I don’t know about you, Ted, but I always wanted to see some Marcie-on-Patty action! [ snickers ]
Ted Koppel: Yes, that.. would have been nice! Now, Pigpen, from your recently-published autobiography — [ holds up book ] After The Dust Settled: My Life in Real Estate — I gathered Charles Schultz literally saved your life?
Pigpen: Yeah, I, uh, had a pretty rough childhood. My parents were pretty neglectful of me. I mean, look at me back then, I was filthy! But, uh, whereas everyone else saw a filthy kid in a perpetual cloud of dust, Charles Schultz saw a dirty, smelly kid who could teach the world about tolerance.. and about Dolly Madison snack cakes.
Ted Koppel: Alright, at this point I’d like to warn our affiliates we may be going a few minutes long tonight —
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli…..Ben Affleck Sally O’Malley…..Molly Shannon John Hellman…..Jimmy Fallon Blonsky……Chris Parnell Guy #1…..Tracy Morgan
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, alright there, uh, boys and girls, let’s huddle up, come on let’s go. My name is, uh, Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli, but any of you can call me “Buch” if you wanna get your face busted that is. Ha-ha! That’s a lil joke, what I do to break the ice, y’know and all that, anyway, you’re training instructor, I.E., me, will be evaluating whether or not you’re fit to wear the Blue. For the next three hours I will be your Mommy, your Daddy, and your worst frickin “Nightmare on Elm Street Part 5: Freddie’s Revenge” Again, a lil humor.
Guy #1: And a damn fine movie, Booch.
(Sally O’Malley enters)
Sally O’Malley: Excuse me, uh, hi there. I heard you’re lookin’ for a tough cop. Heard you’re lookin for a tough cop.
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Yeah, that’s right. What are you doin here?
Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O’Malley. I’m proud to say that I am 50 years old. I’m not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell her real age, and I like to (demonstrates) kick!, stretch!, and KICK! I’m 50! 50 years old! 50 years old. Not afraid to hide my age, 50!
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, alright goldie we hear ya honey. Fall in line w/ the rest of them-go ‘head. Come here, what’s your name?
John Hellman: I’m John Hellman, Sir.
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: (gets punched) Rule #1: Always be prepared. Alright, go clean yourself up. OK, 1st off today I would like to demonstrate a highly effective judo move that once got me out of a jam in Korea town. It goes a lil something like this (demonstrates a move w/ 2 punches followed by a kick) Hi-ya, yah, SUGAH! Alright, now you guys do it, go ‘head.
(class demonstrates-Sally kicks furiously)
Sally O’Malley: SUGAH, I’m 50! 50 years old! 50 years old! Hats off to me-50 years old!
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, yeah, we heard you Angie Dickinson. Let me ask you a question-O’Malley, Officer O’Malley-you like the sound of that?
Sally O’Malley: Truth be told, I prefer, uh, Chief O’Malley.
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Yeah, well I prefer to be called the “White Bill D. Williams”. Again, that’s humor. That’s just jokes is what that is; it’s humor. I’ll tell you this O’Malley, you got a lot of energy and you got a lot of spice.
Sally O’Malley: Well thank you. That’s because I took my vee-tamins this mornin and when I put on my red pants I like to dance. Hey taxi (whistles), lookin for a ride.
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: That’s another reason not to pick up hitchhikers. OK, O’Malley, let’s see what you got. Blonksy, get over here. O’Malley, Blonksy. Blonsky, O’Malley. Now Blonsky here is an assailant who is gonna try to choke you and take your purse. Now try dancin your way outta this one “Big Red”, will you? Go ‘head Blonsky, take her down.
(O’Malley elbows Blonsky, then hits him in the face, then knees him)
Blonksy: Oh God!
Sally O’Malley: Book ‘um Dano, I’m 5-0! (Balances herself on one leg with arms extended to each side) 50 years old! 50 years old! 50 years old!
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, get up Blonsky, come here (punches him) You got beat up by an old lady, we can’t have that. Hit the road. You got guts O’Malley, I gotta tell you, but we don’t make cops outta fossils. Sorry, maybe you should go home and, uh, bake some cookies with the rest of the old ladies.
Sally O’Malley: How ’bout I bake you up a nice knuckle sandwich?
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Oh, you’re scaring me here. Woah!
Sally O’Malley: I’ll tell you something Officer, I got more juice in this tomato than all of these fruits put together.
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Oh, is that so?
Sally O’Malley: Yeah, that’s so.
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Well let’s see how you do against some of Chicago’s finest. Everybody out! Let’s go! It’s time for the real men. Boys come on in! Take her down.
Sally O’Malley: Gee, I don’t know, maybe I am a lil old
Cop: Yeah maybe you are a lil old.
(Beats up all 3 cops)
Sally O’Malley: And just in case you forgot…I like to kick!, stretch!, and KICK! I’m 50, 50, 50 years old!
(shows front cover of a newspaper w/ picture of Sally)
“Officer Sally Sally O’Malley: Still Kickin’ Ass At 50!”
Spokesman: For years, I suffered from itchy, flaky scalp. I tried every product on the market. Then I heard about Trilocaine.
Announcer: Trilocaine. Prescription medication for serious scalp itch. Possible side effects include dry mouth, or loss of appetite. Some users may experience dizziness or nausea. And 90% of users experience an instantaneous and horrifying sleep-paralysis containing a bleak vision of mortality. If you’re one of those 90%, after taking Trilocaine, you’ll slip into unconsciousness and feel yourself stepping through a looking glass into a “not-world”. There, you’ll meet your identical twin. The doppleganger points at you and laughs, a chattering skull-like laugh, then turns into a screeching falcon and flies off towards the blood-red sun.
Suddenly, you’re on a viking ship, skimming across a lake of white-cold fire. You feel nothing. An emptiness, perhaps. Somewhere, a lone snow dog howls o’er the wintry plains. You try to scream, but blood pours from your mouth, coalescing into the form of a hideous infant smoking a long pipe. His rage is blinding. At last, you find yourself poised before two doors. One leads to eternal joy, the other to hellish misery. Choose correctly, and you’ll drift back to consciousness.. with a moist, itch-free scalp.
…..Colin Quinn George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell John McCain…..Chris Parnell Alan Keyes…..Tim Meadows
Announcer: And now, from the news capitol of the world, it’s “Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.”
Colin Quinn: Hi, I’m Colin Quinn and here are today’s top stories.
George W. Bush got his campaign back on track with a victory over Arizona Senator John McCain in today’s South Carolina primary. Bush garnered 54 percent of the vote, prompting the ecstatic Texas Governor to declare, “I haven’t gotten grades like this since Yale!”
Political insiders believe George W. Bush’s victory today could set the tone for the campaign since South Carolina is always a good indication as to how the rest of the country will vote in 1850.
Colin Quinn: And so, with over 91% of the precincts reporting in South Carolina, it does appear that George W. Bush has beaten challenger Senator John McCain by a 13% margin. As part of our continuing campaign coverage, we go now, live, to Bush Campaign Headquarters in Charleston, where the Texas Governor is preparing to speak.
[ cut to Bush Campaign Headquarters ]
George W. Bush: Woo! I won! By 13%. That’s a lot, right? That’s like half a pie! Right? But, seriously.. this is not fun. I wish my daddy would just tell me when I get to be president, ’cause it’s just too hard fighting John McCain all across all these 52 states. He’s mean! Isn’t there just someone that could tell him that I get to be President? He know this thing’s rigged, right? Right?
[ cut back to Colin Quinn in the studio ]
Colin Quinn: There you have it. The winner, George W. Bush, addressing his supporters in Charleston, South Carolina. Let’s turn now to John McCain’s headquarters, where I’m being told the Senator is about to concede.
[ cut to McCain Campaign Headquarters ]
John McCain: Thank you. I just put in a call to Governor Bush, conceding his victory here in South Carolina. [ supporters boo ] No, no.. We fought a hard battle, and I thought we learned a lot here. For instance, I do regret having gone negative against Governor Bush, and it probably didn’t help that I told a New York Times reporter that I call Vietnamese people Gooks. But I do want to reiterate, when I said the word “Gook” I was on my campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express. And you gotta remember, the Straight Talk Express is for telling the truth, and that truth can be embarrassing sometimes. For example, just the other day I was on the Straight Talk Express, and I said, “I’ve seen the movie ‘Ghost’ 20 times.” A little embarrassing, but that’s the Straight Talk Express. It’s a very special bus. I could say anything like, “I happen to like pretty ponies” or, “If I could get rid of anyone in this world, it would be the Gooks.” That’s the kind of shoot-from-the-hip you’ll get from me when I’m on the Straight Talk Express. So keep in mind, if you decide to drop by the Straight Talk Express, be prepared to hear the truth, and make sure you’re not a Gook, or I’ll strangle you. Thank you, and I’ll see you in Michigan!
[ cut back to Colin Quinn in the studio ]
Colin Quinn: That was Senator John McCain, conceding defeat in South Carolina tonight. Finally, we go to Alan Keyes’ headquarters, where the distant third-place finisher is expected to concede, or may even announce his withdrawal from the race. Let’s listen in.
[ cut to Keyes Campaign Headquarters ]
Alan Keyes: [ over his applause ] Thank you all, thank you! Thank you, Alan Keyes supporters, thank you! [ he raises a boombox and shuts off the pre-recorded applause ] As you all are undoubtedly aware, just a moment ago Senator John McCain graciously conceded defeat. And now, all that is left is the inevitable. I Alan Keyes.. must wait for George W. Bush to conced defeat as well! [ turns his applause ] Thank you! Thank you! [ shuts it off again ] While I have not yet recieved one vote, there is still 2% of precincts left to report, and I am confident I will win! Then it is on to Michigan, on to Super Tuesday, on to the White House and the Presidency of the United States! [ crickets can be heard ]
Offscreen Voice: Buddy, you gotta wrap up. We’re closing in, like, five minutes.
Alan Keyes: Yes. I am aware of that. Thank you. My fellow Americans, I have heard your voice. I have heard the clarion call.. [ the lights are turned off ] I’m not done yet!
Offscreen Voice: I gotta close up, buddy. Sorry.
Alan Keyes: This is absurd, I am a presidential candidate! [ the sound of crickets can be heard ] Say, listen, can you give me a ride to the bus station?
Offscreen Voice: No!
Alan Keyes: I shall walk, then! Thank you, South Carolina!
Colin Quinn: Our candidates, everybody.
Donald Trump’s announcement Monday that he will not vie for the Reform Party Presidential nomination has left the remaining candidates scrambling for that all-important elderly, casino slot machine addict vote.
On Monday, Democratic presidential hopefuls Al Gore and Bill Bradley will meet for a crucial debate in Harlem. One of the top issues to be covered: Which One of Them is Whiter?
The Virginia State Senate unanimously agreed Tuesday to honor Martin Luther King, Jr. alongside Confederate Generals, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson, during a four-day weekend in January. The extra day off will allow time for residents to clean up after the riots.
Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
[Josh and Laura walk into a car dealership talking about a Camry they had just looked at when they spot a red convertable they like….]
Laura: I like the camry honey. I really like the camry.
Josh: I know you do..
Laura: I like— oh honey, look at this one [looking at a red convertable], it’s a convertable!
Ari: (comes in talking with a middle Eastern accent) Oh wait a minute, hello! Mine eyes do see the glory of a pretty lady with excellent taste in pre-deals! [Everyone laughs] That a joke. My name is Ari.
Laura: Hi Ari!
Josh: Hello!
Ari: I am the second assistant junior vice sales rep for Kashegan Motors. Welcome! Welcome! This is my place!
Josh: I’m Josh Zimmerman and this is my wife Laura.
Ari: Hi! Welcome Welcome!
Laura: Ari, I have to tell you, I think this car is absolutely stunning. I really do!
Ari: Well, I’ll have to telly ou something sister, you have a good eye! She is the calssics, very limited, 1988 Chysler Le Baron. Only 15 million made.
Josh: Really? Only 15 million [meanwhile Laura walks over to the hood of the car examining it]
Ari: Yep, very exclusive. And the other thing is, shes got a nice tight compact little body. You know bro? [slaps Josh on the back]
Josh: [looking at Laura] You can say that again.
Ari: [confused] What?
Laura: [looking at the car’s hood] I like that.
Josh: [coming up behind Laura] Shes got a nice…
Laura: [looking turned on] Oh!
Josh: tight…
Laura: [barely able to control herself] Don’t!
Josh: Compact….
Laura: [gasping while turning around] Shut your mouth!
Josh: BODY!
Laura: [gasps loudly] You bastard! Come here![she lays on the hood of the car and pulls Josh on top of her and the continue to go at it]
Ari: [astounded by what he has seen] Bro! Hey homeys! Alright, I think the car is getting jealous! [Everyone laughs]
Laura: [laughing] The car’s getting jealous!
Josh: Very funny!
Laura: He’s like a middle Eastern Paul Reiser!
Josh: But younger!
Laura: Yeah!
Ari: Thats cool! Thats cool! Im Arminian but don’t worry about it. I have to tell you homey, boy, this baby is loaded with extras! Comes complete full of everything! I tell you, you take car now, buy it! It’s good! One speaker, mono, A.M. stereo. BOOM! BANG! DEAD! DONE! And unlike most modern version models, this not going to bog you down with air conditioning!
Josh: Right, right!
Laura: [looking at the inside of the car] Can I get in?
Ari: Yeah sure! [patting the interior of the seat] By the way, this is the finest in Barithian leather.
Laura: Oh, barithina, honey! Oh honey, you have to put your hands on this seat!
Josh: [standing behind Laura rubbing the seat] Oh yeah, that is nice!
Laura: [rubbing the seat] You like the way that seat feels?
Josh: Yeah!
Laura: What do yyou want to do with it? What do you want to do with the seat? [grinding up against Josh] What do you wanna do?
Josh: What do you want me to do? You want me to f—–(not finishing the word)
Laura: Oh, I want you to f—
Josh: Yeah! Tell me you want me to f—!
Laura: Oh I want you to f—-(at this point both are in car and Josh is grinding his hips into the back of Laura)
Josh: Tell me you want me, you want me to f—!
Laura: [sounding aroused] Oh yeah! I want you to f—-!
Josh: Yeah! I’m gonna…[car horn honks while his mouth is moving] SO HARD!!! You watch me…[once again, the car horn beeps while he is talking]
Laura: [Oh yeah? Well you better…[car horn beigns honking as she is talking] until I can’t walk!!
Josh: Oh![bends Laura over the windshield of the car adn they go at it]
Ari: Hey bro! Bro, bro-heim! Homey! We don’t, we don’t do that here! That not good. Maybe you should get a room, you know Motel 6 take polaroid or something, get naked—
Laura: [interuptting] Hey noe! What the– Come on noe! That was not neccesary!
Josh: [yelling] Hey potty mouth! Why don’t you sell us a car huh?!
Laura: Not neccessary!
Josh: yeah, not neccesarry!
Ari: Okay. I apologize bro-heim. It’s cool. I just thought that, you know, it was… Ah, nevermind! Oh, look at this, this a convertable top, that means it goes up and down! And you can have some cool Hollywood fun in this one baby!
Josh: Hollywood fun, huh?
Ari: It has cruising control and the windshield wipers work! They go back and forth. And just because we are home snakes, I throw in free, complimentary windshield wiper fluid. Right now I do it for free, but 24 hours forget it! [now Laura is in the driver’s seat and Josh is in the passenger seat]
Josh: Laura turn the wipers on! I want to see them work!
Laura: Well, I’m looking for thing that turns it on but I can’t find it.
Josh: You want to find the windshield wiper button for you?
Laura: Baby, if I can’t find it, you certainly can’t.
Josh: Honey?
Laura: What?
Josh: Just relax and let me try to find it.
Laura: [throwing her hands in defeat] Ok, go.
Josh: [bends down, from the camara’s point of view it looks like his face is in between her legs and he makes a noise] Is that it?
Laura: [in a bored tone] No.
Josh: [makes another noise] That?
Laura: No.
Josh: [continues to work] That?
Laura: [suddenly her attention is jump started!] Oh! You’re getting closer!
Josh: Yeah?
Laura: Yeah! Keep workin! Just keep workin dadddy!
Josh: That it?
Laura: Keep workin daddy! Just keep workin![Josh continues to work] Oh yeah! Momma likes! Momma likes!
Ari: Hey homey I’ll show you! Its right here [points to a button]
Josh: [shooting up] Hey I know how to drive okay?
Laura: [grabs his hair] Don’t you stop looking until you find it you bastard! Keep looking! [pushes him down] Thats it! Thats it! Oh yeah!! [shes barely able to control herself] YES! YES! THATS IT![stands up in the seat and wiper fluid sprays all over her face] Wipers work!
Josh: Wipers work!
Ari: Bro, bro-heim. I think you just sold ME this car! [everyone laughs]
Laura: He’s like Gilbert Baudford!
Josh: Yeah, yeah, yeah! We should take this guy home, seriously!
Ari: I may like that, you never know!
Laura: I just thought of something. There’s only one problem with this car.
Laura: [laughs sarcastically] You gonna teach me how to work that stick?[pushes Josh]
Josh: Hey watch it![Laura pulls his hair] watch the hair!
Laura: You gonna teach me how to work taht stick? Huh? [continutes to push him]
Josh: Yeah I might teach you that!
Laura: [slapping him] You gonna teach me how to work that stick?
Josh: I might teach you that1[slaps Laura] Oh! Sorry about that!
Laura: Thats alright!
Josh: don’t toucht aht stick!
Laura: Im gonna touch it!
Josh: DOn’t touch it!
Laura: Im gonna touch it!
Josh: Don’t touch that stick!
Laura: I’m gonna touch it! Im gonna touch that big hard stick!
Ari: [excited] LET HER TOUCH THE GOD-DAMN STICK BRO!
Laura: Uh-oh! Does Arry want me to put it in first[pushes him] Huh Ari? You want me to put it in first Arry?[tries to lick him]
Ari: Hey, whoa! If its okay wiht your old man, I don’t mind!
Laura: Don’t worry about him! You want me to put in drive Ari? [slaps him]
Ari: Oh, I like this! You bad girl [slaps her ass] You get in trouble! I give it to you!
Laura: I’m bad! I’m bad!
Ari: DOn’t pysch me up now girl!
Laura: you want me to put it in drive [slaps him]
Ari: Oh I like it!
Laura: Yeah! You want me to put it in drive?
Ari: Oh yeah baby!
Laura: [grabs his ears] Yeah, yeah1[grabs his shirt collar] Oh you, hot…
Ari: Yeah…..[becoming turned on]
Laura: Sweaty….[pulls him closer to her]
Ari: Yes…
Laura: Stinky [very close]
Ari: That’s me!
Laura: No ass [pulls him as close as she can]
Ari: That’s true…
Laura: Pig! [ she grinds up against him slightly while leaning in for a kiss]
Ari: OH MY GOD!!! You can touch my stick baby!! It’s like a baby’s arm [pulls down his pants to reveal his package and Laura screams]
Laura: Oh my God! Oh My GOD!!! HOney I saw it! It was awful, it was awful!
Josh: You sick son of a bitch! [runs out the car and chokes Ari] We come in here to buy a car and you show your little horn to my wife!!! [holding Laura while she is crying] I know honey. I know.
Laura: It was awful! [mean while another sales rep runs out of the office screaming at Ari]
Sales Rep: No more baby’s arm! You’re fired!
Ari: But its cool Hollywood swinging bro!
Sales Rep: FIRED!!!
Laura: [hugging the sales rep] I saw it! It was awful.
Sale Rep: I know, I know. I’m sorry.
Laura: Oh, you’re sorry? How sorry are you? [grinds her hips into his pelvis] Oh yeah, how sorry are you? [she slaps him]
[She continues to do this while the camera fades out.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
January 8th, 2000 Jamie Foxx Blink-182 None Ryan Shiraki John Goodman Lorne Michaels Hillary’s DepartureSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) is more interested in talking to Vladmir Putin (Will Ferrell) over the phone than in bidding newly-elected senator Hillary (Ana Gasteyer) goodbye. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton. Transcript
Montage
Jamie Foxx’s MonologueSummary: Oliver Stone (Will Ferrell) interrupts Jamie Foxx’s monologue to direct him through it. Recurring Characters: Al Pacino.
Puff & Jennifer in TherapySummary: Jennifer Lopez (Cheri Oteri) and Puff Daddy (Jamie Foxx) try to salvage their relationship with a therapy session. Recurring Characters: Puff Daddy, Jennifer Lopez. Transcript
Blackjack’s BitchSummary: In the middle of the night, prison inmate Aaron (Will Ferrell) wants reassurance that he’s still Blackjack’s (Jamie Foxx) bitch. Transcript
A Special Message From John GoodmanSummary: Despite Linda Tripp’s recent weight loss, John Goodman vows to continue doing his usual impression of her. Transcript
Nick Burns, Your Company Computer GuySummary: Nick Burns (Jimmy Fallon) faces a spaghetti western-style showdown with employee Andy (Jamie Foxx). Recurring Characters: Nick Burns. Transcript
Tracy Confronts JamieSummary: Tracy Morgan is pleased that black actor Jamie Foxx is hosting this week’s show.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Stevie Wonder, Jasper Hahn.
Blink-182 performs “All The Small Things”
It’s Showtime At The Apollo!Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.
Stereotypically JeffreySummary: Chet (Horatio Sanz) takes the heat for only noticing that new employee Jeffrey (Tracy Morgan) is black. Transcript
Blink-182 performs “What’s My Age Again?”
A Martin Luther King Day MomentRecurring Characters: Martin Luther King, Jr.
[ dissolve to interior jail cell, four inmates lying asleep between two bunk cots ]
Aaron: [ on top right cot ] Hey! Blackjack! Psst! Blackjack? You awake?
Blackjack: [ on top left cot ] Who is that?
Aaron: It’s me — Aaron.
Blackjack: [ shakes his head ] Oh.. hey, man.. What’s wrong with you? You having trouble sleeping?
Aaron: Yeah. A little bit. [ pause ] Hey! Do you mind if I ask you a question?
Blackjack: Go ahead.
Aaron: Don’t you think the food here is bad?
Blackjack: Now, is that really what you want to ask me, man?
Aaron: [ shakes his head and smiles] Oh, Blackjack, you know me too well! Okay.. I’ll juat ask you, then. It’s just something that’s been on my mind for a while, and… maybe I’m just insecure, but — am I still your bitch?
Blackjack: Huh? Man, what kind of silly question is that? Of course you still my.. BITCH!
Aaron: [ surprised ] Really? You’re not just saying that because you know I want to hear it?
Blackjack: No, man, I’m not just saying that. I mean, everybody knows that, man — you Blackjack’s BITCH! Huh? I mean… that’s the way it’s ALWAYS been, and, as far as I know, that’s the way it’s always gonna be. Nothin’ gonna change that!
Aaron: [ slightly worried ] As far as you know?
Blackjack: Yeah, that’s what I said. [ Aaron frowns ] Why you lookin’ at me all crazy, man?
Aaron: What does “As far as you know“, mean?
Blackjack: Look, I don’t know, man. I just said it. Why you actin’ all… crazy?
Aaron: I don’t know! I — I — I just feel CRAZY sometimes, like I’m… gonna do something crazy! I just feel like you’re very distant from me sometimes.
Bobo: Hey, man, what’s goin’ on? Why y’all makin’ all that noise?
Aaron: Oh. I’m sorry, Bobo. It’s my fault.
Blackjack: Aaron, look — [ to Bobo ] aaron is actin’ all crazy and everything like that, man. He wants to know if I still consider him my bi-otch!
Bobo: Oh, come on, man! Everybody knows that Aaron is Blackjack’s bitch!
Aaron: Are — are you serious? People still say that?
Bobo: Oh, all the time!
Blackjack: See? That’s what I’m sayin’, man! I ain’t sayin’ it just to be nice! It’s the God’s honest truth, man. Plain and simple — You my BITCH!!
[ beneath Blackjack, Chaco wakes up ]
Chaco: [ in a high whisper ] Blackjack really means it, Aaron!
Aaron: Oh, Chaco? Did I wake you up, too? I feel awful!
Chaco: It’s alright, Aaron. Listen… I known Blackjack for a long time — longer than ANYBODY! Longer than Bobo… longer than Double-Man… even longer than Little Joe. Believe me, when he makes you his bitch, it’s FOREVER! [ pause ] Until he kills you. [ returns to sleep ]
Bobo: Straight up, you dumb white piece of ass!
Aaron: Hey! Easy, Bobo.
Bobo: I do NOT like you!
Aaron: You know what? When I really sit down and think about it… I think I just feel insecure ’cause — ’cause I watch you, Blackjack, and you’re sitting here talking with Chaco and Bobo, and you guys are laughing it up and having a great time and… and then you don’t to me in the same way, and it feels weird, really.
Blackjack: Hey, look, man, let me give it to you straight, man — sure, I have a good time with Bobo, and Chaco and everything, and we laugh it up, and we — we talk about prison stories that are boh entertaining… and grisly. But… the thing about it is, I don’t rap to them like I rap to you… but do I buy them presents? Huh? Who’s the guy who got you the toothbrush with the razor blade on the end of it? Huh?
Aaron: You can’t buy me.
Blackjack: I did buy you. I bought you from Hector for thirty cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.
Aaron: [ he nods ] You’re right.
Blackjack: Hey, man, look — look, man, look — in the end… Aaron, you’re always gonna be my BITCH! Okay? And there ain’t NOBODY… gonna take that away… ’til I kill your ass!
Aaron: Oh, Blackjack! [ relieved ] I sometimes don’t know what to do with me! [ he chuckles ] Thanks for being so real, man.
Blackjack: No problem. Now, sweet dreams — BI-OTCHHHH!!
Announcer: And now, a special message from former castmember John Goodman.
John Goodman: Thank you, Don Pardo. I think you made a mistake, though. I was never a castmember.
Announcer: Good Lord, you sure do hang out a lot for a guy who doesn’t work here.
John Goodman: Well, these last two years, I have hung out here whenever they needed me to play Linda Tripp in a sketch. It was revealed this week that Ms. Tripp has undergone some extensive plastic surgery. She’s also dyed her hair, had liposuction and lost over forty pounds. Now, many people feel she was driven to cosmetic surgery because she was relentlessly mocked by some late-night comedy show. I’ve always considered my impression more of an homage, but.. maybe she took it the wrong way. After seeing the photos, I got a call from Lorne Michaels saying that if I still wanted to play Linda Tripp, all I would have to do is lose some weight, and he would pay for the plastic surgery. Now, I love comedy, but there’s certain things I won’t do for a laugh, and losing forty pounds is one of them. But I’m still playing her! When Linda goes to jail in Maryland, look for me! In fact, I might even slap on another twenty! [ laughs manaically ]
Announcer: This has been a message from John Goodman.
Salesman … Chris Parnell Husband … Will Ferrell Wife … Ana Gasteyer
[open on Husband and Wife walking down a grocery aisle]
[Salesman runs up to them]
Salesman: Excuse me! Excuse me. What are you folks having for dinner tonight?
Wife: We’ve got some hamburger in the fridge.
Husband: Yeah.
Salesman: Oh! Great. How long’s it been there?
Wife: 5 days.
Husband: 2 days.
Salesman: [chuckles] Why don’t you try this? It’s new Hamburger Helper Antibacterial. Hamburger Helper Antibacterial combines a tangy tomato sauce, delicate spices, and Tristanex–a power antibacterial agent.
[graphic: (diphenyltristinate)]
This hamburger has been in the trunk of my car for over a week. Let’s add some Tristanex. Massage vigorously into the meat, add the noodles and seasoning, and simmer. [sniffs] That acrid smell means it’s working.
[graphic: Avoid prolonged contact with skin]
Even the freshest raw meat has it’s problems.
[graphic: e. coli 257.154]
But with Hamburger Helper Antibacterial, germ volume is cut almost in half.
[graphic: Reduced 37.99%]
Wife: [takes a bite] It stings a little at first, but then it’s really good.
Husband: Can I have more? … a lot more?
Announcer: Try Hamburger Helper Antibacterial. And say so long to salmonella with new Chicken Helper with chlorine bleach.
Air Date:
