Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Larry Flynt…..Horatio Sanz Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, as President Clinton sits at his desk practicing his thumbs-up ]
[ intercom buzzes ]
Intercom: Mr. President. Your three o’clock appointment is here.
President Bill Clinton: Okay, Betty. Send him in.
[ Larry Flynt wheels his way into the Oval Office ]
President Bill Clinton: Larry Flynt, you old dog! How are you?
Larry Flynt: Mr. President, it’s an honor to be here! I just never thought I’d be invited to the White House.
President Bill Clinton: Well, I.. I asked you up here to say thank you. As you know, I’ve been going through extremely difficult times lately. The only way I got through it was with support from my friends, my spiritual advisors, and the December issue of Hustler Magazine! [ thums-up, laughs ] Ah, that lesbian elves pictorial! That was astounding!
Larry Flynt: Thank you very much, Mr. President.
President Bill Clinton: Oh, no, no, no.. thank you, Larry. You have been a big help. By ratting out Bob Barr for his sexual indiscretions, you have taken a lo-o-o-ot of the heat off me.
Larry Flynt: I’m just giving Republicans a taste of their own medicine.
President Bill Clinton: [ laughs ] God, how do you find ’em?
Larry Flynt: I had to hire private investigators to follow the Congressman around-
President Bill Clinton: No, no, no, no – not that. Those women that pose nude in the magazine. Where do you get ’em? I mean, I do alright.. but none of ’em will let me take pictures of ’em. [ laughs ]
Larry Flynt: The models, they answer ads.
President Bill Clinton: God.. giving people jobs. It’s so simple and beautiful. The girls, though.. you ever get to.. you know..?
Larry Flynt: I do have sexual relations with the women!
[ they laugh ]
President Bill Clinton: God, this is so exciting!
Larry Flynt: I don’t want to take too much of your time; I’m sure you’re busy with the impeachment hearing.
President Bill Clinton: No, no.. I’ve got lawyers to do that crap! I want to talk to you, man. You have the best job in the world!
Larry Flynt: No, Mr. President, I think you have the best job in the world.
President Bill Clinton: Let me ask you something – are those letters in Hustler true?
Larry Flynt: Am I under oath?
[ they laugh ]
[ intercom buzzes ]
Intercom: Mr. President, your wife is here.
President Bill Clinton: [ sullen ] Party’s over.
[ Hillary storms into the Oval Office ]
Hillary Clinton: [ outraged at the sight before her ] What are you doing here with that whore-monger?!!
President Bill Clinton: [ a beat ] You talking to him or me?
Hillary Clinton: You!! You are late for a meeting in the South Garden with the top pancake cookers from the National Jamboree Boy Scouts!
President Bill Clinton: [ flabbergasted ] But I’m talking to Larry Flynt!
Hillary Clinton: I would suggest that you take a shower after meeting with this sleazebag! But there’s no time! Now, get moving, and I’ll show the sexual deviant out!
President Bill Clinton: [ as he exits ] Larry Flynt in my office – I love being Preisdent! [ chuckles ]
[ President Clinton exits Oval Office ]
Hillary Clinton: Here’s some information on Phil Gramm you might find interesting!
Larry Flynt: Thanks, baby.
[ they make out passionately ]
Larry Flynt: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“
James Van Der Beek: Alright! I want to say “Thanks!” to Everlast, everybody in the cast, and, also, everyone at “Dawson’s Creek” for letting me out this week! Thank you very much!
Harry Connick, Jr……Jimmy Fallon Joker #1…..Tracy Morgan Joker #2…..James van der Beek
[ open on exterior, Radio City Music Hall ]
[ dissolve to interior, stage ]
Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Harry Connick, Jr.!
[ Harry Connick, Jr. enters stage, sits at piano ]
Harry Connick, Jr.: Thanks a lot. I want to thank you all for coming here tonight. Thank you. You know, the past couple years I’ve done a little acting, did some soundtracks.. but tonight I want to get back to my roots – the songs that made Frank Sinatra famous. This music means a lot to me, and I hope it means a lot to you.
“You make me smiiiiiile with my heart.. Your look is.. laughable.. Un..photo..graphable..”
[ stopss abruptly ]
Hey! There’s a laser dot on me! Come on, knock it off! Whoever’s doing that, knock it off, alright? Please! [ laser dot disappears ] Thank you! I guess some people just like to ruin a good time for everyone. Let’s have some fun.
[ begins playing again ]
[ laser pointer dot bounces around Harry’s nose ]“My.. funny.. valentine..”
“Sweet.. comic.. valentine.. You make me-“
[ swats laser dot away ]
Alright! Seriously! Come on, stop it, alright! no one’s laughing but you, alright! Now, come on! Does anyone know who’s doing this?! Is there any security here?! Can we find out who’s doing that, please!
[ cut to full shot of Harry’s audience, quick zoom to last row where a pair of jokers sit, laughing at the antics of their laser pointers ]
Jokers: [ laughing with pride ]
[ cut back to Harry Connick, Jr. fuming on stage ]
Harry Connick, Jr.: I mean, come on! I know that laser pointers are a lot of fun – I have one myself. But, come on, just be cool, alright! [ laser dot finally disappears ] Thank you! [ sits at piano again ] Let’s have some fun.
[ singing ]
“My.. funny.. va-“
[ jumps to his feet ]
Come on, knock it off, alright! Is this what you want?! This is a beautiful song!
[ laser dot bounces along Harry’s crotch ]
Alright, yeah, yeah, that’s funny, right?! That’s what funny to you, right?! This is real creative! This is what you do with your time, right?!
[ two laser dots give Harry a set of nipples ]
Aw, brilliant! Brilliant! I’ve got nipples, that’s great! You could hear me play the music your parents fell in love to, but, instead, I got nipples! Are you done now, man?! Come on! [ laser dots disappear ] Are you finished?! Is that it?! Have you had your fun?!
[ cut back to the jokers laughing in the audience ]
Joker #1: [ laughing ] Yo, Bro, we should stop! He’s starting to get really mad!
Joker #2: Oh, hold on, man! I want to give him a dot on his forehead, make him look like the chick from No Doubt!
Joker #1: Yeah! Yeah, do that!
[ cut back to Harry at the piano ]
Harry Connick, Jr.: Le-let’s have some fun.
“My.. funny.. valentine..”[ laser dot bounces on Harry’s forehead, making him look like the chick from No Doubt ]
“Sweet.. com-“
[ stops abruptly again ]
Hey, come on, alright?! Knock it off, you sons of a bitch! You’re making me look like an idiot in front of all these people! You’re trying to make me look like that chick from No Doubt!! That’s not cool! I swear to God-
[ ]
Oh, great! You already did this one, man! You’re running out of ideas!
[ cut to jokers laughing in the audience ]
Joker #1: [ laughing ] He’s right, man! You already did that one!
Joker #2: Okay, man, it still makes me laugh!
Joker #1: Ooh, I got one! I’m gonna make him look like Cindy Crawford!
[ cut back to Harry on stage, as laser dot bounces over his lip ]
Harry Connick, Jr.: Th-his is screwed-up, man, alright! This is screwed up, man, alright! This is screwed-up, I’m sick of this! You’re taking all the fun out of it! I’m finished!
[ Harry exits the stage in a huff ]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m very sorry to announce that tonight’s show has been cancelled.
Joker #2: That was a good show!
Joker #1: Yeah! Hey, let’s go see that new Nicole Kidman flick!
Maria…..Cheri Oteri Mr.Caminetti…..Horatio Sanz Anthony…..James Van Deer Beek
[Opens with a young guy repairing a tv set on a living room]
Mr. Caminetti: Hey, thank you for coming out on such short notice to fix the set, uh, uh…
Anthony: Anthony.
Mr. Caminetti: Anthony! Ha, ha, nice Italian kid. Hey, how long have you been doing this for
Anthony: I not been doing it too long, you know. Got my union card about a month ago.
Mr. Caminetti: Oh, oh, oh, you got an union card? That’s a nice secure future, huh?
Anthony: Right.
Mr. Caminetti: You married?
Anthony: No, I ain’t.
Mr. Caminetti: MARIA!!!
[Maria comes out. She’s an ugly duckling. Dress all ill fitting, uncombed hair, spastic movements, shade of a mustache]
Maria: What pop? Whoa, a boy!
Mr. Caminetti: Yeah, this is Anthony. Anthony, this is my pride and joy, Maria.
Anthony: Hey, nice to meet ya.
Maria: I’m a virgin.
Anthony: Good for you.
Mr. Caminetti: Three’s a crowd. I’m gonna go. Check my sauce.
[Mr.Caminetti plays “Inamorata” by Dean Martin and lowers the lights in hopes of Maria and Anthony getting it on.]
Mr. Caminetti: Don’t sit there, sweetie. Say something. You’re getting older by the minute.
Maria: I can crack my back in three places.
Anthony: That a fact?
Maria: Yeah. [Turns and crack! Turns again and crack!] Pull this.[Anthony pulls her arm and crack!] Gaaah!
Anthony: Wow. I ain’t never seen nobody that could do that before. But nothing personal, I got a job to do here.
[Maria goes over to her father in the kitchen]
Maria: Pop, he don’t like me, pop.
Mr. Caminetti: Go ask him to dance, honey. Go on.
Maria: Hey Anthony. Anthony, you wanna dance? [spastic dance moves]
Anthony: No.
Mr. Caminetti: Come on. Make him feel special. Do, do–make–be sexy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, show a little leg.
[Maria props a wooden leg on top of the tv set]
Mr. Caminetti: Not that one, honey. The good one. Work it, yeah.
[Maria props her other leg on top of the tv]
Anthony: All right. Look, Mr. Caminetti I can hear everything you’re saying.
Mr. Caminetti: What the hell’s wrong with you?! What are you a fruitcake or something? Can’t you see that she’s a peach? After her mother slipped on ice and died I raised her to be a good kid. The best I could.
Maria: [pointing at her tits] And these are real. They’re mine.
Mr. Caminetti: I realize she’s no Connie Francis but the kid’s got talent! Watch.
[Maria plays the accordion horribly]
Mr. Caminetti: Oh, there you go, little girl. Show him what you got. There you go.
Maria: Ok, start. [sings horribly as well] “Do you know the way to San Jose?, I’m gonna go and find some peace of mind in San Jose.”
Mr. Caminetti: Ha, ha! She eats like a bird, sleeps standing up. She prays all the time, come on!
Maria: I got my own snow blower for Christmas.
Anthony: All right. Look Mr. Caminetti, I don’t mean no disrespect but I…
Mr. Caminetti: All right! That’s it! What’s it gonna take?! Close your eyes, baby. [pulls out money] $100, $200? Come on!
Anthony: I can’t take your money.
Maria: Tell him about the car, pop. Tell him about the car.
Mr. Caminetti: [keys in hand] Got an 88 Caddy DeVille. Fully loaded. What do you want?
Anthony: All right Mr. Caminetti. Don’t get me wrong. Maria is a very flexible virgin. I would be more than happy to do her. But I promised my girlfriend Paula I would only do her.
Maria: Damn, pop. We were this close, pop.
Mr. Caminetti: Who the hell do you think you are coming in my house leading my daughter on this way?! Get the hell outta here, ya’ bum!
Anthony: A bum? A bum, huh? Well, does a bum has his name around his neck in 10 karat gold? Does a bum smells like Drakkar Noir 24 hours a day? And does a bum have big plans to study electronics at DeVry Technical Institute? If so, then this bum is outta here! I’m outta here! [leaves]
Maria: Pop, he’s going to DeVry. He’s going to DeVry, pop.
Mr. Caminetti: I know, I know, honey.
Maria: Now what?
Mr. Caminetti: Honey, I just ordered pizza. If it’s not here within 15 minutes or less, he is free. All right?
[Opens with a trio of young women sitting at a coffee table in a kitchen]
Mom 2: Karen, you seem really down.
Mom 1: Yeah, what’s the matter?
Karen: Oh, Gary and I are having trouble conceiving. We try month after month and I just can’t seem to get pregnant.
Mom 1: Mmm…well, have you thought of adoption?
Karen: Eww…no.
Mom 2: Hey, I know what you need.
[Mom 2 shows a box]
Karen and Mom 1: Teeny Weenies?
Mom 2: It’s the fun new fertility drug kit that’ll turn barren Karen into fertile Myrtle.
[images of little babies multiplying]
Jingle: “Teeny Weenies, Teeny Weenies! Itsy bitsy, itty bitty, shrinky-dinky babies! They’re your babies and they look like you so you’ll love them more than other babies even if they come out messed up!”
Karen: How does it work?
[Karen pulls out a long-ass needle and injects herself on the belly]
[Bouncing baby over the jingle]
Jingle: “Just take the human menopausal gonadotropin and inject it in your body. Do the shakey-shakey dance, and make some babies in your pants! [Moms 1 and 2 and Karen shake their hips playfully] Make more babies! More babies! Make more babies!”
[Karen holds 8 tiny babies up]
Karen: Eight babies at once?! It’s a miracle!
Mom 2: It’s not a miracle. It’s science!
Mom 1:[holding a bunch of tiny babies] I’m gonna dress up my babies up in outfits when the rest of them get out of intensive care.
Mom 2: My decatuplets are so tiny I can hold them up in a spoon. [holds miniature baby in a spoon]
Karen and Mom 1: Cute!
Karen: I’m gonna be on the cover of “People” magazine.
[ Caption: “People” magazine cover no longer guaranteed. ]
Mom 2: With Teeny Weenies you can make as many babies as you want then keep the ones you like.
Mom 1: [holding 4 babies] I made twelve babies and four of them turned out pretty good.
Karen: Awesome!
Announcer: Teeny Weenies! It’s fun to defy God!
Karen and the two moms: Adoption’s for geeks! Get Teeny Weenies!
[box of the Teeny Weenies kit]
Announcer: Teeny Weenies by Fertilifun! Heat lamps, diapers, lung medicine, blood transfusions, corrective shoes and physical therapy not included.
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: Ahh! Thanks, folks! Oh, save it for later!
The impeachment hearing is really enough now. You know, I mean, we get the point, you’re outraged, Clinton is terrible, all right, he lied. You have all these senators out there trying to make a name for themselves, because there’s only a few famous senators. And how do you get famous? You have to have a hook. You have to be notorious, like…no one wants to be the guy on “Hollywood Squares” that nobody knows….You know, the lower left square, Asa Hutchinson to block…
Who’s getting famous off this? This guy, Bob Barr, it’s like, Bob Barr the elephant, [cut to clip of Bob Barr] only he forgot. He forgot that he…[cut to Colin] had an affair and paid for an abortion, even though he’s a pro-lifer. When asked about this hypocrisy, Mr. Barr said, “Yes, but I’m man enough to pay for the mistakes I lie about, unlike Clinton, who makes his wife chip in.” You know? [groans]
Then there’s Jim Sensenbrenner, this guy from Wisconsin, [cut to clip of Jim Sensenbrenner] you see this guy? He looks like a…harried businessman who’s having a heart attack at a steakhouse. He looks like he’s about to keel over into his buttered baked potato.
These guys hate Clinton, but who’s behind them? Is it big business? Maybe. Tobacco hates Clinton. That would be horrible poetic justice. He goes after tobacco and gets brought down by a cigar. You know. Let’s go do the news!
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Oh! Thanks, folks! All right, folks, I’m Colin Quinn!
The congressional seat being vacated by Bob Livingston could be filled by a 48-year-old ophthalmologist named Dr. Monica Monica. This is the last straw, folks, all right? The country has officially turned into a very bad “Hee Haw” sketch….A ’70s show…
U.S. intelligence officials want ABC News to reveal the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden, who was interviewed by the network last month. The reporter claims that he was taken to a secret location for the interview and could not find it again, although he does remember there was a butler named Alfred.
This week, Michael Jordan announced his retirement, saying he wants to spend more time for himself, be a better parent, do some traveling…hey Mike, you couldn’t do more traveling than you did when you played against the Knicks, all right? Maybe you’d like to bring a ref along to overlook it just so you feel comfortable! [mixed reaction]…Uh! Ugh! Exactly. Everyone loves Michael, ha ha, come on, Kevin.
Executives from the Chicago Bulls insist that even without Michael Jordan, Phil Jackson, and Dennis Rodman, the team can still repeat as NBA champions, with a little hard work, luck, and 90 points a game from Steve Kerr.
Rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard was arrested last night. How many times have I said that? All right? Maybe we should keep the cue card for this one. I’m getting déjà Wu! [laughs]…Ol’ Dirty Bastard was arrested last night after opening fire on two undercover cops. But fans, don’t worry about his career; to a rapper, shooting at cops is a cure for writer’s block. [very little reaction]…Am I making up songs? I’m sorry! It’s not Alanis Morissette out there, folks. [chuckles] It’s not Sarah McLachlan. Come on.
This week, Paula Jones received 850,000 dollars in the settlement from President Clinton. She said it will help her live her dream. To hire Diamond Dallas Page to beat up the guy who was [photo of Dirty Jack (see 11/14/98 WU)] mean to her on New Year’s Eve at the go-kart track. [some cheers]
Now, this is true–that money came out of Bill and Hillary’s joint checking account. Now that has to be an uncomfortable conversation. “Bill, what did you do with check 820?” “Ohh, remember I told you the Paula…thing? I didn’t it put it in the book.” “Oh yeah….Bill.”
Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura has chosen the Navigator as his official car, rather than the traditional Lincoln or Cadillac. People all over Minnesota will well up with pride when they cry out, “Here comes the governor’s truck!”
A customer filed for a four-million-dollar lawsuit against Starbucks this week after he was badly cut drinking an ice cappuccino laced with broken glass. When asked how he came up with the four-million-dollar figure, the customer responded, “I just want my money back.” [cheers and applause; says something unintelligible]
President Clinton has renominated James Hormel to be the ambassador to Luxembourg, after conservatives last year prevented a vote on his nomination. Come on, how important is Luxembourg? We’ve been eight months without an ambassador, we haven’t missed out on anything. Why are we friends with them? I’m not saying we need to be mean to them, but do we need an ambassador? Maybe if we see them at the U.N., we will give them a head nod, but that’s about it.
The anonymous fan who spent 2.7 million dollars for Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball also bought five other home run balls from the Sammy Sosa-McGwire home run race. He is expected to merge all the balls together to form the ultimate home run ball. I…I mean, he, will then trade the ball…for a trip on the space shuttle with a naked Jewel. Sounds like a good plan, come on! [cheers and some applause]
Amtrak is unveiling a European-style rail line, which links Eugene, Oregon and Seattle, Washington. Within a month after opening the high-speed line, the population of Eugene is expected to be zero.
David Kaczynski, the Unabomber’s brother, says that he’ll use the reward money he got from turning in his brother to establish a fund for the victims….Big deal! They’re not gonna cash the check; they’re not even gonna open the [envelope with return address “Kaczynski, Route 7, Schenectady, NY 00000] envelope!…Open that? Ugh! [cheers and applause]
Starting this week, the fee for filing a citizenship application is more that doubling from 95 dollars to 225 dollars. But as always, it is still cree – free to crawl under a fence. [no reaction] Ugh, of course you’re not gonna laugh! [mutters something] I, uh…
Colonial Williamsburg announced plans for a fake TV show with guests from 200 years ago. No, we already have a show like that. It’s called “The Late Late Show with Tom Snyder.” [mixed reaction]…So it’s Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Tom Snyder that you don’t joke about. I get it! All right.
It’s been a big week in sports. Here to provide us with his expert analysis on all the latest sports news, is one of the straighest shooting columnists in the country, the man who tells it like it is, sports reporter Brian Fellow.
[Pan over to Brian, a slightly effeminate guy, dressed in a pink shirt and tie with a black sportcoat for this appearance. Brian waves to the audience.]
Brian Fellow: Thank you, the Colin Quinn! I’m Brian Fellow!…Well, basketball fans around the world continue to be saddened by the…retirement of the greatest player in history, Michael Jordan….He may have accomplished things on the court, but Miss Jordan, you ain’t foolin’ nobody! I’ve seen you in those Hanes commercials. Trust me, Air Jordan is a friend of Dorothy’s.
Tomorrow afternoon, the Denver Broncos will host the New York Jets in a battle for the AFC title….Well, after studying these two teams all season, I predict this game will be decided by three words: Key, Shawn, and Johnson! [some cheers and applause]…Just look at what Keyshawn did last week to the Jacksonville Gou – Cougars! The Cougars! [makes a claw with his hand] Rrr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!…And Miss Johnson, we’re onto you too, honey! I’ve seen the way you dance in the hizzle! Ol’ T.O. Johnson has definitely been to brunch, if you know what I’m sayin’!
Colin: Now, hold on, Brian! You can’t just arbitrarily accuse people of things like that!
Brian: [upset] O – oh, no you didn’t! No you didn’t, I can’t believe you just disrespected me! Let me catch my breath for a minute! [composes himself]
In other football news, the Minnesota Vikings and Atlanta Falcons play for the NFC championship. Do you know how cold it is in Minnesota this time of the year? [while shaking his head and clutching his chest] Br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! Br-r-r!…If I was on the Vikings, as the– I – i – if I was on the Vikings, as soon as the game was over, I would…I would w – get in a warm bath and snuggle up in front of a fireplace with a big cup of cocoa. Mmm! I love warm fireplaces. And I love hot cocoa.
Colin: [sighs] Okay, Brian. Where exactly have you worked as a sports journalist?
Brian: [increasingly upset] Ah, no you didn’t!…I can’t believe you just disrespected me like that! How you gonna disrespect, my father used to try to disrespect me like that!
Colin: Hey, take it easy. Take it easy.
Brian: [still upset] You don’t even know me! You don’t even know me! Mr….New– Mr. “Update: Brooklyn Version”!…Yeah, unh, get those marbles out your mouth! [cheers]…If I was Ahmad Rashad, you wouldn’t even be tryin’ to disrespect me like that!…But because of who I am, you think you can just disrespect me, you don’t even know me! [calms down]…Wait a second, I do know you, Colin. I recognize you from the club!
Colin: No! That’s not me!
Brian: Yes, you do! [cheers]
Colin: No!
Brian: I recognize you from the club, Colin! [some applause mixed in] I’ve seen you in the clubs wit’ you and your big Italian friends!
Colin: Richie, no! No!
Brian: ‘Cause you had the muscle shirt on!
Colin: [over Brian’s last line] Brian Fellow, everybody!
Brian: I recognize you!
Colin: [over Brian’s last line] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
Brian: I recognize you…
[Update music drowns out Colin and Brian’s conversation]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 12 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 6th, 1999 Gwyneth Paltrow Barenaked Ladies None Tina Fey Paula Pell Ben Affleck A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton’s (Darrell Hammond) and various members of his cabinet make the empty promise that they will not gloat. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, Monica Lewinsky, Vernon Jordan, Betty Currie. Transcript
Montage
Gwyneth Paltrow’s MonologueSummary: Ben Affleck has to remind Gwyneth Paltrow that she’s not British. Transcript
E! Impeachment CoverageRecurring Characters: Todd Newton, Melissa Rivers, Sharon Stone, Trent Lott, Bob Barr, Betty Currie, Andy Dick, William Rehnquist. Transcript
Behind The Music: Joan JettSummary: Joan Jett (Gwyneth Paltrow) recalls unpleasant inspirations for her songs and videos. Transcript
Mary Katharine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) wants to join the Black Angels. Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher. Transcript
Behind The Music: John OatesSummary: John Oates (Chris Kattan) explains how he innovated clapping in his music. Recurring Characters: John Oates. Transcript
Mindy & SkyeSummary: Mindy (Jimmy Fallon) cuts Skye (Gwyneth Paltrow) a lot of slack for her pitiful singing skills. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Vernon Jordan. Transcript
Barenaked Ladies performs “It’s All Been Done”
Doing VoicesSummary: James (Will Ferrell) finds the funny voices of Margaret (Molly Shannon) and the rest of the Healy Family amusing at first. Recurring Characters: Margaret Healy.
Behind The Music: Colin Hay
A&E BiographySummary: Fired Jack Perkins (Darrell Hammond) smears his replacement host, Harry Smith. Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins, Peter Graves, Paula Zahn. Transcript
Senate VotingSummary: Judge William Rehnquist (Will Ferrell) is desperate to break the Democrat vs. Republican party deadlock. Recurring Characters: William Rehnquist, Trent Lott, Tom Brokaw, Mary Bono, Tom Daschle. Transcript
Jack Perkins…..Darrell Hammond Paula Zahn…..Molly Shannon Peter Graves…..Will Farrell Bob Crane portrayer…..Chris Parnell Mamisu…..Gwyneth Paltrow
(A&E Biography intro plays, cuts to Jack Perkins in a den, spinning a globe)
Jack Perkins: Welcome to Biography. I’m Jack Perkins. (groans as he sits in a chair) (audience laughs) If you’re like most Americans, you’re probably a big fan of the most popular show in the history of television. A show called “Biography.” And the chances are you’ve grown quite fond of the hosts of “Biography,” Peter Graves, and me. Little Jackie Perkins. (laughter) Well, guess what? I’ve been fired. A&E has decided to replace me and Peter with former “CBS This Morning” host, Harry Smith. (photo of Smith grinning) Ooooh. We thought you might be interested in learning more about this Harry Smith. And why A&E thinks he’s so freakin’ great! (laughter) So without further ado, “Biography” presents the story of Harry Smith. (music begins over photos of Hitler and a monkey)
Perkins voiceover: Harry Smith was the only son of Adolf Hitler and a baboon! (photo of Eddie Munster) At the age of five, this precocious lad was already despised as a back-stabbing phony by classmates. (photo of adult Smith) One of the few people who knows the real Harry Smith is his long-time co-host on “CBS This Morning,” Paula Zahn.
Paula Zahn: (being interviewed) Of all the things that impressed me about Harry, I would have to say the most compelling is his integrity. Both as a journalist and as a man.
Jack Perkins (off-camera): Why do you lie so much?!
Paula Zahn: Excuse me?
Jack Perkins (off-camera): He stinks, and so do you!
Paula Zahn: Hey, what the hell is going on here?
(photo of the Manson Family with a cut-out of Smith’s head pasted over one of its members)
Perkins voiceover: At the tender age of 23, Harry Smith fell in with Charles Manson and his infamous family. (laughter) (similarly doctored photo of Smith and Manson, Smith is grinning and has a swastika drawn on his forehead) Smith quickly turned a fun-loving bunch of musical hippies into drug-crazed murderers. Manson himself has described Smith as “creepy.”
(cut to Perkins in the den, finishing a beer bong) (laughter)
Jack Perkins: A phony! A creep! A big dummy. Harry Smith seems to wear many masks. (forlornly) This is a mask I found in a dumpster. (puts on a rubber Spider-Man mask) I wish I was Spider-Man. (laughter) I’d smother Harry Smith with my webs!
(Graves enters, puts his hand on the chair)
Jack Perkins: Ah, lookie here! (takes off mask) It’s my friend and former co-host Peter Graves.
Peter Graves: (reserved) Jack, you’re drunk. You’re making a fool of yourself. Stop it.
Jack Perkins: I can’t, Peter, this one’s going all twelve rounds! (laughter)
Peter Graves: Well, try and get a hold of yourself, Jack. This isn’t the end of the world. There’s plenty of good jobs out there for 70-year-old men with pleasant voices… Let me have that. (takes the beer bong and fills it)
Jack Perkins: Harry Smith’s career took a strange twist in 1979, when he murdered beloved “Hogan’s Heroes” star Bob Crane! (laughter and applause) (Graves takes a hit off the beer bong) In this dramatic re-enactment, we see Smith’s bloodlust at its terrifying peak.
(re-enactment in a hotel room, Crane is lounging on his bed in his “Heroes” costume looking at a magazine as a man enters.)
Bob Crane: Well well well, Harry Smith. Come on in. (stands up) I was just about to pop in a really freaky porno tape.
Harry Smith: (as portrayed by Jack Perkins) Damn you, Hogan! (hits him with a bat, Crane falls onto the bed) I’m Harry Smith, and I eat my own boogers! (continues to beat Crane while trying to shield himself from the camera)
Bob Crane: Nooo!
(end re-enactment)
(photo of Smith with a slight smirk)
Perkins voiceover: And, as he approaches middle age, Harry Smith still can’t stay out of trouble with the law.
(Clip of a foreign newscast, with subtitles saying “Harry Smith was arrested this morning for sniffing farts in El Hajani Square. He released a statement saying “I love smelling farts and I am a big dummy.'”) (laughter)
Jack Perkins: I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant, but nothing, I said nothing, can take away these blues ‘cause nothing compares, nothing compare–
Mamisu: Mr. Jack! Mr. Jack!
Jack Perkins: Well, it seems I’ve been joined by my wife Mamisu. (laughter) A vivacious young sparkplug I met during a recent fishing trip to Alaska.
Mamisu: Oh, please, Mr. Jack, come home! Mamisu make you feel all better.
Jack Perkins: Mamisu, I may eventually come home, but I’ll never feel all better!
Mamisu: You scare Mamisu with your crazy talk, Mr. Jack!
Jack Perkins: I scare myself, Mamisu. I really do scare myself! And I hope you’ve enjoyed our look at Harry Smith. For “Biography”, I’m Jack Perkins, nighty-night. (closing Biography video) (cheers and applause)
Greg Hankertine…..Tim Meadows Debs Macallum…..Joan Allen Jerry Seinfeld…..Jimmy Fallon
[Opens with a jumbo jet departing]
Announcer: Live from La Guardia Airport in New York City is “Tarmac Talk”. With your hosts, Greg Hankertine and Debs Macallum.
[Tarmac Talk logo]
[Debs and Greg sit on their TV talk show set on a noisy and windy airport tarmac. Cyclone fence behind them, guiding lights flashing]
Debs Macallum: Hi. I’m Debs Macallum and this is Greg Hankertine. Welcome to the very first episode of “Tarmac Talk”. The only talk show smart enough…
Greg Hankertine: …and fun enough…
Debs Macallum: …to broadcast live from an airport tarmac. Why? Because airports are exciting places. Filled with heartfelt hellos and goodbyes. What better place to host a talk show than here?
Greg Hankertine: There is none.
Debs Macallum: None.
Greg Hankertine: Debs and I worked so hard on this show. And we’re so thrilled to get it off the ground. Pun definitely intended.
Debs Macallum: That’s right. It was Greg’s brainchild. And when he told me the idea I kissed him on the lips for 8 minutes and the next day we were married.
Greg Hankertine: That’s right. Debs, I got an idea. Let’s get really special right now. Let’s start the fun, ok? Please welcome our first guest, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.
[Jerry comes out and shakes hands, they sit down. It is very noisy and newspapers sheets blow all around]
Debs Macallum: Jerry! Thank you so much for coming to our first show of “Tarmac Talk”.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, it’s nice to be here. But, uh, what are you people thinking? We’re on an airport tarmac!
Greg Hankertine: Yeah. Jerry, do you feel you have anything left to prove as a comedian?
Jerry Seinfeld: What?! Its very hard to hear you! Am I finished? Can I go?
[It gets dangerously windy and the jet engine roars get closer]
Greg Hankertine: Well, it is getting kind of rowdy in here. It’s kind of like a big studio audience.
Jerry Seinfeld: It’s loud and hot! I hate it.
Debs Macallum: We didn’t realize that this would happen. Some things are just unpredictable.
Jerry Seinfeld: You didn’t realize there would be planes? It’s a working airport! It’s an airport tarmac! I must ask you people again, what were you people thinking?!
Greg Hankertine: So Jerry, what about those cabbies and their b.o.?
[Jet engine roar is deafening, windy as a hurricane]
Jerry Seinfeld: WHAT?!
Greg Hankertine: Oh, my God! Debs!!!
[An airplane is taking off, the roar is thunderous, the wind blows the talk show set apart. Debs hangs on for dear life to her chair, Jerry flips over with the chair and Greg hangs to a pole and flies completely horizontal while screaming]
Jerry Seinfeld: WHOOOOOAAAHH!!!
Debs Macallum: WHOOOOO!!! HA! HA! HA!
Greg Hankertine: OH MY GOD!!!!
[Airplane takes off and the wind and roar die down. Greg comes down from the pole, Jerry gets up and sits on the table at the center. Debs puts herself together]
Greg Hankertine: Oh, boy!
Debs Macallum: Wow.
Greg Hankertine: For those of you just joining us, this is “Tarmac Talk”. And we just got our crap blown out by a United D.C. 10.
Debs Macallum: We sure did. Jerry, we apologize. We did not expect that to happen.
Greg Hankertine: No.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why not?! You’re on an airport tarmac! I can’t stress this enough! Planes take off on an airport tarmac!
Debs Macallum: Well, in retrospect. Maybe you’re right.
Jerry Seinfeld: Of course I’m right! You guys are morons!
Greg Hankertine: Well, thank you for joining us. We’re going to work out the kinks. And we invite you to tune in tomorrow. Ted Grimby from the Bronx Zoo will be here with some gorillas and crocodiles.
Jerry Seinfeld: Don’t do that! Don’t do that!
Debs Macallum: Plus a glassblowing demonstration and the world’s oldest woman!
Jerry Seinfeld: Seriously! Do not do that!
[Jet engine roars gets near, wind blows hard and fast]
Greg Hankertine: There’s another one!!! HOLD ON!!! OH YEAH!!!!
[Furious jet engine roar, Greg flies horizontally hanging from the pole, Jerry flips over, table and all, and Debs hangs on to her chair while the wind blows everything apart]
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: Okay, folks!
Here’s the latest situation in Iraq. This morning Iraq sent the U.N. a letter saying, “Okay. The weapons inspectors can come back.” Late this afternoon, the White House rejected the letter. Clinton said, “That’s an insincere apology. And I know an insincere apology when I hear one.”
So now…we might have a war, folks. All right? Now why did it have to come to this? Come on! We’ve given them more warnings over there than Billy Crystal’s managers when they handed him the script to My Giant….Why did they push us? Don’t they know that’s what we do? We have bombs, and if you have bombs, you’re gonna want to show them off, eventually. Like the guy with the black belt; even if he’s a nice guy, sooner or later he’s gonna want to throw a kick at somebody.
And it’s all about getting the U.N. weapons inspectors back in. And that’s the worst job in the world. Who do you have to piss off to get that assignment in your country? All right? One minute, you get a nice government job in Norway, surrounded by beautiful blonde women, you accidentally hit on your boss’ mistress; next thing you know, you’re in Baghdad sharing a tent with an Egyptian who called in sick too much….You know. And some Tanzanian guy who mouthed off at the office Christmas party.
And you know, we’ve been sanctioning these people for eight years, they have nothing over there, only the bare necessities. And Hussein still gets a 97 percent approval rating….Of course, the polls are different over there. Guys come up to your house with machetes. “What do you think of Hussein?”…”I like him!”
But a war is not good, folks. Nobody profits from a war. Only the guy in Jersey who’s printing up the “Saddam sucks” T-shirts, as we speak. And Wolf Blitzer, who bought a new blazer today ’cause he thinks his career is coming back.
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Aah, folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you, folks!
President Clinton agreed yesterday to pay Paula Jones 850,000 dollars to drop her sexual harassment lawsuit, making it the most money a hillbilly has gotten since Buddy Ebsen was shootin’ at some food. [some applause]
You know, between Jesse “The Body” and Paula Jones, this is the most lucrative week for white trash since “Cops” went into syndication. [cheers]
This week, an appeals court reversed a prior decision awarding O.J. Simpson custody of the two children he had with Nicole Brown. The court expressed concern when they learned that when the kids are bad, O.J. warns them, “Don’t make me get the knife!” [some groans]…Tragedy is great comedy, folks. You know that.
Many insiders…many insiders are speculating that Newt Gingrich’s next move could be product endorsement. Coca-Cola has offered him a million dollars to drink Pepsi. [cheers and applause]
Yesterday, Ken Starr in – indicted President Clinton’s friend Webster Hubbell on 15 counts of perjury and fraud relating to the Whitewater investigation. In a related story, next week Luke Perry is going back to “90210.”…Back to Whitewater, huh Ken?
House Majority Leader Dick Armey is being challenged for his post by ex-NFL player Steve Largent. Now, if you play in the NFL, you’re definitely gonna get the macho vote. Who’s more macho than an ex-football player? Only a guy named Dick Armey. [some cheers and applause]…I don’t know. It’s macho, folks!…It sounds like the G.I. Joe doll nobody talked about, when we were little.
International terrorist Carlos the Jackal has refused food and water this week in protest over his treatment in a French prison. Carlos admits that the French guards don’t hit him; they are just very, very condescending.
Tibet’s exiled Dalai Lama this week said the distrust between himself and China is too deep to reopen Tibetan autonomy talks. Of course this guy says he can’t work things out! The Dalai Lama is in no rush to get back! People over here are throwing benefits for him, dedicating Oscars to him. What are his choices? Fasting on a mountain with some monks, or making out with Gretchen Moll at the premiere of Meet Joe Black….Or a third choice, which I don’t know, but…
This week, folks, the National Governors’ Association welcomed Minnesota’s new governor, Jesse Ventura, who arrived late wearing a tasseled leather jacket and white boots. Yeah, that’s how you want your governor dressing like! Tanya Tucker with a dash of gay stripper. [some cheers and applause] I’ll say it to his face, folks!
Yesterday, Sean Connery’s wife…Sean Connery’s wife was robbed of about one million dollars’ worth of jewelry while she was at dinner. To add insult to injury, Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan were called in to investigate.
A news report that alleges Israeli agents are using Canadian passports for covert operations has caused a rise in diplomatic tensions between Canada and Israel. Feel the wrath and power of Canada! [some applause]
The general manager of the New York Mets took a leave of absence this week after a former employee threatened to sue him for sexual harassment. Ah, you can’t blame him, he’s just trying to get a little Mookie. [some boos]…You know…it’s New York, folks. It’s the only place it even had a chance, and you turned on it, all right?
According to an article in The New Yor— in The Washington Post, many senior citizens are choosing retirement communities near their old colleges. The new residents are finding it is invigorating to be in such a young atmosphere, but were disappointed that the phrase “I was at Normandy” won’t get you laid anymore.
According to Swing magazine, the most influential twenty-something in America is Monica Lewinsky. The least influential twenty-something in America is Dirty Jack from the Dairy Mart in Webster, Texas….That’s a real guy that I have to see every day. All right?
The English tabloids reported that three members of Prime Minister Tony Blair’s cabinet are gay. However, it turns out that the men were just really, really British. [some applause]
This week, rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard was arrested for terrorist threats against his girlfriend. You can read about it in the new Wu-Tang book, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Page Them….It’s his third arrest this year, folks. His third arrest this year. Him and Bobby Brown are getting to be like Sosa and McGwire. [some applause]
Universal has had to push back the release date for their Thanksgiving sequel to Babe. Production was thrown off schedule when the caterers made a terrible, terrible mistake. [some applause]
Two large drug companies announced earlier this week that they have developed new painkillers that work without the side effects associated with aspirin and ibuprofen. Here to comment is our resident prescription drug, uh…expert? Yeah, expert. Please welcome Collette Reardon.
[Pan over to Collette, who’s in a drug-induced state. She has a plastic bag full of prescription drugs and takes some out throughout her appearance.]
Collette Reardon: Hi, Col! You know, Col, there’s so many exciting new prescriptions on the horizon, that this gal’s just beside herself!
Colin: What do you got there?
Collette: Oh, these. Well, these – these are just my personal travel pack of prescription honeys. Yeah. You see, I take – I take the Funerol here–
Colin: Furenol?!
Collette: Yeah. The Furenol. It’s a kick-ass combo of analgesics and barbiturates, Col. Prescribed to me by my psychopharmacologist, Dr. Dominick Aku. Good kid, good kid, ‘Ku!…Well now, for example, Col, okay…when I get a headache, all right? I just knock back some of the Furees along with a baker’s dozen of the Percocet…you know, just to make pain my bitch.
Colin: [confused] Okay.
Collette: No one gets hurt!
Colin: Super! So what do you make of this new painkiller that is soon to be put out on the market?
Collette: I’m not fightin’ it! No! No fight here! You know, I could probably use them as a handy chaser to my Diazepam that I take for my acute anx – anxiety, [energetically] on account of the holidays comin’ up, Col!
Colin: Why do the holidays have you so frazzled?
Collette: Well, for starters, Col, I can’t decide whether to get your standard Buttel – Butterball, or just a kick-ass ham! So Dr. Tito Bevilaqua hooks me up with a handful of Demerol paired with a shot of liquid Methedrine, and poof! Guess who’s in the holiday spirit!
Colin: You?
Collette: You guessed ‘er, Chester! [laughs]
Colin: That’s a pretty, uh…harsh combination. Maybe next time you want to get into the holiday spirit, you should just try eggnog. [Collette laughs loudly]…I’m serious. Now, Mrs. Reardon…
Collette: That’s…[grabs her lipstick container] that’s Ms. Reardon, sexcicle. [applies lipstick]…Huh?…You know, Col…I – you know, if you don’t have any plans for turkey day, I’ve got an extra beanbag chair with your name on it. Huh?
Colin: Actually, I have plans. So uh, how are you getting home? You’re not driving, are you?
Collette: Oh no, I’m getting picked up by my buddy, Dr. Steve Longshoe. He practices medicine on the reservation. Yeah, he’s gonna hook me up with same – some peyote for my cold sore. [touches lip] Ow!…That smarts! Cold sores!
Colin: Collette Reardon, everybody. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
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