Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 21st, 1998 Jennifer Love Hewitt Beastie Boys None John Goodman Muse Watson Lorne Michaels Lewinsky/Tripp Phone ChatSummary: Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon) and Linda Tripp (John Goodman) pig out while chatting with one another over the phone. Recurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp.
Montage
Jennifer Love Hewitt’s MonologueSummary:
The Ladies ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) wishes a Happy Skanksgiving to the beautiful ladies watching his show tonight. Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps. Transcript
More Duets That Prove That I Am The Best Singer In The WorldSummary: Celine Dion (Ana Gasteyer) announces her latest self-indulgent album. Recurring Characters: Celine Dion.
The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, ShowSummary: . Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas, Señor Guadalupe Ramirez. Transcript
The SpartansSummary: Working as candy stripers, non-Spartan cheerleaders Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) deliver the perfect cheer as Alexis (Jennifer Love Hewitt) gives birth. Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.
TV FunhouseSummary: The Ambiguously Gay Duo. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnNote: Colin Quinn delivers the news alone, with no guest commentaries. Transcript
The Beastie Boys perform “Three MC’s & One DJ”Also Performed: 94g.
Clean Teen Deodorant Spokesperson SearchSummary: Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Let’s Make This Happen!Summary: Hollywood hopefuls compete on a game show to get their movie premises greenlighted.
The Beastie Boys perform “Sabotage”
Saddam’s Private BunkerSummary: Saddam Hussein (Will Ferrell) tries to thwart the U.N. inspectors’ search of his private bunker, so they won’t find his embarrassing personal effects. Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein. Transcript
Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan Señor Guadalupe Ramirez…..Jimmy Fallon Guitarrists…..Darrell Hammond, Chris Parnell Gina Cutter…..Jennifer Love Hewitt
[Fade up to Antonio Banderas sitting on a couch with his mariachi band, which is playing soft music behind him. Fade up “The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas.” Dissolve to closer view of Antonio.]
Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio…y Banderas. I am…[whispers] actor! Welcome to The…how do you say?…Ah yes….Show. Now, say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: Señor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.
[band plays some notes]
Guadalupe: Thank you my friend, yes!
[band plays two notes]
Antonio: You…you are so the sexy!
Guadalupe: NO, NO, NO! YOU! YOU ARE THE SEXY, YES!…[his bandmates start agreeing with him; Antonio laughs] YES, MY FRIEND! ¡SÍ, SÍ! YOU SEXY!
Antonio: Gracias. I mean…graci-ass.
Band: Ohh!
Antonio: No I don’t.
Band: Oh.
Antonio: [exhales] Let’s be seriousness now. [band resumes soft music] For a moment. No more jokey stuff. None of the ha-has. Please, put the hands together for tonight’s very special breast. She is a young woman…es…she is the recycling chairman of her college juniversity. Please welcome Miss Gina Cutter.
[The band plays faster music. Antonio stands up. Cheers and applause as Gina comes in. Antonio kisses her hand and gives her a rose. Gina sits down. The music stops.]
Please…seat.
[band plays two notes; Antonio sits down]
Gina Cutter: Thank you, Mr. Banderas.
Antonio: No. No no no, no, no no no. Call me…”The Sexy.”
Gina: Okay, Mr. Sexy…
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] ¡TÚ MR. SEXY! YES! ¡TÚ SEXY!
Antonio: [laughs; Gina smells the rose] This is true….It is getting hot in here, no?
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] A little hot, yes.
Antonio: Well, [stands up] I think I’ll just…
Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO!…NO, PLEASE! NO, NO! TOO SEXY! NO! ¡QUÉ BAMBINO! NO, NO! IT’S TOO SEXY! PLEASE! [cheers]
Antonio: But I must. [band plays fast music while he undoes a button on his shirt]…Thank you. [sits back down] Okay. Now we have a good time.
[starts looking at Gina’s breasts] Wait an hour here! What is this?
Gina: Hm?
Antonio: I did not bro– uh, notice that you brought your friends. [motions to Gina’s breasts]…Who – who are your friends? And – and what is their names?
Gina: [clutching her chest] My friends?
Antonio: Shh! Don’t wake them….Don’t close their eyes. [puts Gina’s hands down]…They are tucked in and sleeping like two friendly, boobily things….You know, the kind you like to hang like ornaments from a Christmas train….Very sexy.
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] VERY SEXY! VERY SEXY! [laughs]
Gina: Wait a minute, aren’t you married to Melanie Griffith?
Antonio: [laughs] Sí. I am betrothed to her. She is, uh…how do you say…ah yes. Old, and not here.
Gina: [appalled] That – that is your wife you’re talking about! That is not very nice!
Antonio: [getting gradually closer to Gina’s face] Shhhhh…[touches Gina’s lip] shh-poo-poo! Listen to me. You can make the lips move, but don’t make a sound.
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] VERY SEXY, YES! VERY, VERY SEXY, SIR! PLEASE! [Antonio raises his finger]…Very sorry.
Antonio: It is hot in here, no?
Gina: No, it’s not hot at all.
Antonio: Well then, in that case… [stands up]
Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO, NO! PLEASE, NO! DON’T DO IT! NO, SEÑOR! PLEASE, NO! IT’S SIMPLY LOCO! ¡QUÉ BAMBINO! DON’T DO IT! NO! [cheers]
Antonio: But I must! [band plays fast music while he undoes the next button on his shirt]…Okay. [grabs his zipper] Maybe I should let my [faster music] friend to come out to play for– no….[music stops; sits back down] Okay.
Now….Now is the time– [calms the audience down] please, let’s, come on. Now is the time of the show when I have the sex with you. [turns to Gina]
Gina: [shocked] What?! No! [Antonio starts to get on top of her] No!
Antonio: No, I am sorry. All of a sudden, I hear nothing. But I must warn you: I can be very loud. I like to scream some quotes from my movie, Evita. [winks]
Gina: Oh my God! I am 19, you creep!
Antonio: In my country, you are past the prime. [winks]
Gina: [tries to fight him off] No, I made a big mistake coming here!
Antonio: Ohh! Yes, you are right! It is truly hot in here. Maybe I should just do something about it. [stands up]
Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO! NO, PLEASE! IT’S TOO SEXY! NO! NO! LET’S– MI AMIGO, PLEASE! HEY, SEÑOR! IT’S TOO SEXY! NO!
Antonio: But I must! [band plays loud, fast music while he tries to take his shirt off and advance toward Gina] NOW! I WILL HAVE THE SEX WITH YOU! I HAVE YOUR ARM, THAT WILL BE MINE! [Gina puts her hand in his face and leaves in a hurry] COME ON! COME ON! LET’S DO IT NOW!
[music becomes soft; Antonio sits back down with his shirt half off]
She will be back. For she is like a bird. And I am like a tiger. And when we make the sex, we will produce a bird…ger….Well, you know what I’m saying. Well! We will see you next time on The…[music stops momentarily] how do you say? Ah yes. Show.
[music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table; fade up title]
[fade up to “Ambiguously Gay Duo” opening sequence]
[opening sequence: Ace and Gary flying in the sky, explosion, title card, Ace and Gary face each other and join hands, Gary punches an alien, Ace and Gary drive their Duocar through a canyon, shot of Ace and Gary with Gary pointing ahead, Ace and Gary fly with Ace shooting a beam from his eyes and Gary mounting Ace, character identification card, shots from the battle with the Ice Monster (from 11/15/97 TV Funhouse), cloud of smoke, dissolve to Ace and Gary giving the thumbs up]
Jingle: [starts at title card] “The Ambiguously Gay Duo! The Ambiguously Gay Duo! They are taking on evil, come what may! They are fighting all crime to save the day! They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way! They’re ambiguously gay! They’re ambiguously gay! The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”
[zoom out to see Ace and Gary grabbing each other’s belts under the title]
Voiceover: The Ambiguously Gay [cut to a shot of letters spilling out of two mailbags with “TONIGHT’S EPISODE:” at the top, fade in “ACE AND GARY’S FAN CLUB” underneath “TONIGHT’S EPISODE:”] Duo! Tonight: a visit to Ace and Gary’s fan club!
[cut to Ace and Gary sitting in their gym, reading letters from their fans]
Ace: Jared Taylor from Reading, Pennsylvania writes, “Dear Ace and Gary, it looked like you use a different spin move in episode 3 than in episode 6. Also, are you gay?”
Gary: You nailed us, Jared! In episode 6, we tightened our spin to accelerate faster!
Ace: Our next letter is from Arch Culkins, or number 248A4 from Fayetteville State Penitentiary. “Dear Ace and Gary, watching you fly gets me so excited. [the letter is made up of individual letters cut out of magazines] When I get out of jail, I’m going to come and find you.”
Gary: Thanks for the letter, Arch! And good luck!
Ace: We feel that as long as someone has done his time, he is entitled to a second chance. We know it’s never easy to be “in the hole.”
Gary: Our next letter comes from Lowell Bethune, prisoner 408AB386 from Camden State Prison. Goooo Camden State!
Ace: “Dear Ace and Gary, I love looking at you. Please send photographs of yourselves, some with your costumes off.”
Ace and Gary: [pompously, looking at each other] Ha ha ha ha!
Ace: Sorry, Lester. We can’t reveal our secret identity.
Gary: Good try, though!
Ace: Carl Hendricks from Austin, Texas writes and says, “I like to picture Ace as an Indian chief with buttless chaps. I like to picture Gary with his body shaved and a tennis ball shoved in his mouth.”
Gary: Golly!
Ace: The imagination is a wonderful thing, Carl. But we like the costumes we have! I can’t read most of this next letter except a few words: “stainless steel pole,” “rabbit sack,” and “mayonnaise.”
Gary: Keep those letters comin’!
[cut to title card with Ace and Gary with “FAN CLUB” on the bottom left corner, fade in a pair of X-Ray Specs over image of Ace of Gary]
Announcer: Join the Ambiguously Gay Duo Fan Club and get special gifts!
[cut to a suburban neighborhood, where Ace and Gary are talking to three kids in a yard; Ace and Gary are each holding a pair of X-Ray Specs]
Ace: Kids, you’re not really a superhero [puts his specs on] until you’ve got X-Ray Specs!
Gary: With X-Ray Specs, you’ve got the tool to see through [kid #3 takes Gary’s specs] anything!
Kid #3: Hey, cool!
[cut to a beach with a treasure chest, “X-rays” show various treasures inside the chest]
Ace: You can find stolen treasure!
[cut to a wrapped gift underneath a Christmas tree, “X-rays” show a trimmer inside]
Gary: Or Christmas presents! Hey Ace! You’re getting a trimmer!
[cut back to neighborhood]
Ace: [pats Gary’s butt] Good work, Gary! [kids look at each other] And with X-Ray Specs, you can track down criminals! [he and Gary spot a well-endowed delivery man walking down the sidewalk, carrying a package] That man’s got a suspicious bulge. Could be a concealed weapon. Better check it out, Gary.
Gary: [takes Ace’s specs, squats down and looks at the delivery man’s “bulge” with the specs] Hmmm! Looks all right to me! Check yourself! [takes specs off and gives them to Ace]
Ace: [leaning over Gary while looking at the delivery man’s “bulge” through the specs] Alll right. Looks good from here, Gary.
Delivery Man: [annoyed] Hey! What’s your problem?
Ace: Oh, we don’t have a problem. [takes specs off] This time! [offers the specs to the kids]
Gary: Want to try, kids?
[the kids sound reluctant]
Kid #1: Maybe later.
Kid #3: Yeah.
[cut to Ace and Gary in their Duocar, still in the neighborhood]
Ace: Remember, be alert! You can never be sure what someone’s packing!
[Duocar takes off into the sky]
Announcer: Join Ace and Gary’s fan club [cut to fan club/specs title card, which now has “$4.99” underneath the specs] and get your X-Ray Specs! X-Ray Specs! [cut to shot of Ace and Gary in their home gym, Ace has a can pressed against his crotch with a gag snake coming out ot it; “Snake-in-a-Can” is on top] From the makers of Snake-in-a-Can!
[fade to black, cut to title card with Ace and Gary]
[fade up to Leon Phelps sitting in his room with “The Ladies’ Man” superimposed; lights are down]
Voiceover: Oh yeah! It’s time for The Ladies’ Man!
[title fades out, lights come up]
Leon Phelps: Yeah. All right. Yeah, what’s happenin’? What’s happening? Good evening, everybody, and welcome to “The Ladies’ Man”! The loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries! I’m Leon Phelps, how you all doin’ tonight? Yeah? [cheers and some applause] Good. That’s good. I am doing all right. You see, I got my [shows bottle of Courvoisier] bottle of Courvoisier right here. Oh yeah! And of course, I got my [grabs a Pilgrim hat and puts it on] Pilgrim’s hat right here! That’s right!
Because tonight’s show is my very special Thanksgiving show. And this is exactly how a smooth operatin’ Pilgrim might dress, way back then in the 1840s, you know? That is, if he wanted to get some– poke some hontas. [laughs]…If you know what I’m sayin’, and I think you do!
So uh, now let’s get into the holiday spirit and, uh, take some calls, all right? So…go ahead, caller, you got “The Ladies’ Man.”
Caller #1: [is nervous] H – hey, hello, Ladies’ Man. I’m gonna meet my girlfriend’s parents for the first time this Thanksgiving, and I’m pretty nervous.
Leon: Well, yeah, I understand. Um…you want to get it on with her mother?
Caller #1: [shocked] No!…No, it is just I’ve never met them before, and it’s a little scary.
Leon: Oh, okay, I see now. How many months pregnant is your girlfriend?
Caller #1: She’s not pregnant!
Leon: Well…th – then have you given her some sort of venereal disease?
Caller #1: [outraged] No!
Leon: Well then, then why are you so nervous? Uh, you sound…you sound like a fine, upstandin’, disease-free young man! Enjoy the free meal, and if you get the opportunity to do it with her mother, then take it, okay? Cheers and good luck.
Next caller…[takes a sip of Courvoisier]
Caller #2: [is sad and talks softly] Hi, Ladies’ Man.
Leon: Ooh! It’s a lady!
Caller #2: Ladies’ Man, I get so lonely around the holidays.
Leon: [thoughtfully] Mmm…
Caller #2: I sometimes think about taking my own life.
Leon: Well, that’s good.
Caller #2: Oh, no! I’m lonely and miserable!
Leon: Oh, well, that is not good! Um…but I think that I can help. Let me ask you a question, um…do you weigh in excess of 250 pounds?
Caller #2: No.
Leon: Well, that is wonderful because you qualify to participate in my annual Thanksgiving Day dinner for all ladies who are lonely and under 250 pounds….I like to call it Leon [cut to graphic that reads “All skanks under 250 lbs. invited/Leon Phelp’s Skanksgiving Dinner/beer, turkey loaf”] Phelps’ Skanksgiving Day Dinner.
[dissolve to Leon]
And I hope that you will come, because there will be a delicious…um, turkey-like loaf, um…there are suitcases full of fine beer, and many skanks such as yourself in attendance, okay? Next caller?
Caller #3: [is bitter] Hey, Ladies’ Man! I don’t even want to celebrate Thanksgiving this year! All my family does is fight!
Leon: Oh now, well, don’t say that! You know, Thanksgiving is a time to put aside all your petty arguments and come together and enjoy each other’s company. Because [becomes increasingly choked up]…basically, even though you’ve grown apart…you still a family! The family is so important…because…
Caller #3: Ladies’ Man, are you all right?
Leon: [back to normal] Yeah, I’m all right. It’s just that, you know, you reminded me of a Thanksgiving from my past, and i – it was not good. You see, I shot my brother during Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, you know, he was not acting very cool, so I shot him with one of the three guns I always bring to Thanksgiving dinner. He did not die, but he now has just one arm. Okay?
So anyway, to make a long story short, and to answer your question…um, I think you should try doin’ it in the butt.
Caller #3: What?!
Leon: [after a long pause] I’m sorry, I forgot what we were talkin’ about here. I have no idea. But I’m sure that that answer will suffice. I better…I better take another call…
Caller #4: Uh, i – is this “The Ladies’ Man”?
Leon: Yeah, you got Leon Phelps, the Ladies’ Man.
Caller #4: Uh, Ladies’ Man, uh, when my wife and I stay at my parents’ house for the holidays, I – I find I – I can’t [Leon takes a sip of Courvoisier] perform sexually. I – is there something wrong with me?
Leon: Yeah, there is somethin’ wrong with you. I mean I, myself, have made love many times right in front of my parents, you know? I mean, I enjoyed it, they enjoyed it, you know? Now, I am no doctor, but it sounds to me like you have a penereal disease. Uh, what we call in the medical profession, it’s called “scaredy wang.” Yeah, your wang is scared. I suggest that you get over it soon before your wife hooks up with someone with a more courageous wang…and I’m not namin’ any names, if you [points to his crotch] know what I mean! Yeah.
Okay, well, I hope that, uh, my commentary has been helpful to you. That’s all the time that we have on “The Ladies’ Man,” but, before I go…[stands up; piano music begins playing] I would like to give thanks [lights dim] for the things that [a table with a cornucopia slides in front of him] I have been blessed with the most. Number one: a superior-performing wang…the Courvoisier truck that jackknifed in front of my house…that was good. And of course, the irrepressible human ass. Yeah! And as always, the ladies that I have made sweet love to this year. Ladies, you know who you are….And if you don’t, here’s an alphabetical list of your names.
[a long list of names begins scrolling]
So…Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! I will see you next time on “The Ladies’ Man”!
[starts looking at the list of names]
Yeah! Oh yeah, I know I remember [title fades up over everything] that one! Oh baby, I gotta give her a call! Oh yeah!
[Cut to underground military bunker. U.N. WeaponsInspectors take notes on their clipboards]
U.N. Inspector 2: All right. This area looks clear.
U.N. Inspector 1: Ok.
Saddam Hussein: Well, look who has returned totorment the people of Irak. Listen, there are nochemical weapons here. Come on.
U.N. Inspector 1: Yeah, right. All right, Saddam,what’s in that room over there?
[point to a door]
Saddam Hussein: That is my private bunker. There isnothing of interest in there for you.
U.N. Inspector 1: Come on, Saddam. You know the rules.Unfettered access to all sites. Ok? Come on, open up.
Saddam Hussein: Bro’. No room to hide weapons. Ok?Just my personal effects in there. You’re wasting mytime bro’.
U.N. Inspector 3: We’ll be the judge of that.
Saddam Hussein: Be a bro’!
[They all go into a room that looks pretty much like ateenager’s room. Poster of Pamela Anderson and schoolbanners are on the walls, bed, nothing fancy]
U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, so this is the inner sanctum ofthe great Hussein?
Saddam Hussein: Come on now, give me a break.
U.N. Inspector 2:[points to a Spice Girls poster]Oh,man! It must’ve broken your heart when Ginger left thegroup, huh?[laughs mockingly]
U.N. Inspector 3: Look at this place!
U.N. Inspector 1:[holding a graduation photo] Hey,nice picture jackass!
Saddam Hussein: Hey, come on. Lay off. I was in highschool, ok? C’mon.
U.N. Inspector 1: Yeah, right.[looks under thebed]What’s under here?
Saddam Hussein:[panicked]There’s nothing there!
U.N. Inspector 1: Really?[pulls out exercise machine]
Saddam Hussein: Oh, I forgot. It’s my Chuck NorrisTotal Gym.[makes karate moves]
U.N. Inspector 3: It looks like its never been used.
Saddam Hussein: Well, it seems so easy on tape. Butthis thing’s too unstable. You guys should inspect thefactories that make this crap, huh?
U.N. Inspector 1:[pulls out book]Hey, look at what thegreat dictator is reading![Men are from Mars. Womenare from Venus by John Gray]
Saddam Hussein: Come on! I thought the same thing. Ibought it as a joke but I learned a lot, my wife, shedoesn’t want me to solve her problems, she just wantsme to listen to her.
U.N. Inspector 2: Oh, oh. Look what I got.[pulls out an LP]
U.N. Inspector 1: What did you find?
U.N. Inspector 2: CC Music Factory!![laughs hard,everyone cracks up]
Saddam Hussein: Ok, that’s not mine! That’s not mine!That’s my old lady’s! Come on!
U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, sure it’s not yours. Nicesheets.[looks under the mattress]Uh, look at thisfellas![pulls out a few catalogs] Oooh!! VictoriaSecret’s!
Saddam Hussein: I don’t have to explain those![grabsthe catalogs] Not to you!
U.N. Inspector 3: [pulls out little notebook]Hey,check this out, check this out.[mocking voice] “DearDiary: That guy from the Daily Show called me SaddamInsane. Does he think that’s funny, even though I’veheard it since the second grade, it still hurts.
[passes diary to Inspector 2]
Saddam Hussein: That’s clearly not a weapon. Hand that back!
U.N. Inspector 2: Oh, wait.[mocking voice]”Dear Diary:On Dawson’s Creek Pacey cheated with Christina andthen Andy found out, she was devastated. I felt thesame way when I had my son in law executed.
Saddam Hussein: Hey!, it isn’t funny!
[Tries to take back the diary, trips on his bed,Inspector 2 passes the diary to Inspector 1. Saddamsits on his bed all sad]
U.N. Inspector 1: Hey, fellas! Listen! “Dear Diary:The U.N. Weapons Inspectors returned to Baghdad today.It’s been two weeks since they’ve been here. I missthem.[sentimental music]We argue a lot but I know theycare about me. I can’t wait to see them because theyare my only true friends. I love them. Saddam, wedidn’t know you felt this way.
[they gather around Saddam]
Saddam Hussein:[crying]It’s hard for me to express myemotions and uuhh…John Gray talks about it in hisbook aah…you don’t want to hear it….
U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, come on Saddam, I think I speakfor all the guys when I say we feel the same way.
[The 3 Inspectors give Saddam a group hug]
Saddam Hussein:[chokes, sobs]You guys are the best.
U.N. Inspector 1: Come on, man. Give it up. Give it up.
Saddam Hussein: You guys are the best[cries]That feltvery good. It hasn’t happened in a long time. Hey, youwant to know where I hide the Anthrax?
U.N. Inspectors: Yeah!!
Saddam Hussein: You guys are not gonna believe it. Youguys were so close. I was sure you were going to find it.
U.N. Inspector 1: Really? I was so close?
[Happy music plays, Saddam and the Inspectors leavethe room happy as clams]
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: The top story– thank you. The top story: the impeachment hearings. I know, it’s boring. Everybody pretends they watch it, but they don’t. But I had to watch it for this. All right, here are some of the best and brightest upon which our n – nation’s future hangs upon.
You got David Kendall, Clinton’s attorney. His other client is The National Enquirer. All right? That’s true. That’s dangerous, he gets his files mixed up, you know what could happen?…Nothin’. It would stay the same, but still…
Then there’s Clinton’s new special counsel, Greg Craig. First of all, who the hell is named “Greg Craig”? You can either be named “Greg” or “Craig.” You can’t have both. You can’t be “Greg Craig.”…You know what this guy did before this? He represented John Hinckley when he shot Clint– Reagan. That’s a – that’s a hardcore Democrat right there, all right? He represented Hinckley, and he still gets a prestigious job like this. Of course! Nobody wants to get on his bad side. He’s tight with Hinckley. He’s probably got, like, an autographed copy of Taxi Driver at his house, you know? “To Greg, Are you talkin’ to me? Ha ha. Your friend, John.” You know…
Then on the other side, there’s the Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Henry Hyde. He cheated on his wife, too, and he’s in charge of this thing! He called it “a youthful indiscretion,” and he was 45! This is all true! “Hey Henry, are those pimples?” “No, they’re liver spots.” All right?…He’s a little too old to be residing over these hearings, anyway. Did you see how many times he left to go to the men’s room during the hearings? He took more bathroom breaks than Calista Flockhart at Thanksgiving dinner. [groans] Ah, come on, folks! I had to say it!
Now…now…where was Clinton during all this, you ask? In Japan!…During the whole thing. You gotta give it to him. Everybody else is in Washington in the cold, in gray suits fighting over him; Clinton’s sitting in a Japanese hot tub getting an inappropriate sponge bath, all right? Just trying to help the Jap – Japanese economy 300 yen at a time. ¡Ándale! Let’s do the news! [laughs]
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Oh, folks! Folks, what can I say? I’m Colin Quinn.
At a televised town meeting in Japan this week, President Clinton was asked by a Japanese woman how he apologized to Hillary and Chelsea for his affair with Monica Lewinsky. President Clinton responded by screaming, “Look! Godzilla!” and then ran away.
Repredent– Representative J.C. Watts of Oklahoma has been made the conference chairman for the Republican Party. House Majority Leader Dick Armey said this will go a long way to change the perception of the Republicans from, quote, “the party for wealthy white men” to the, quote, “party for wealthy white men and that black guy.”…House Republicans are so excited about this that they’ve given him his own bathroom and water fountain.
Sam Dash, folks….Never mind that. Sam Dash. Sam Dash, Ken Starr’s ethics advisor, abruptly resigned yesterday to protest Starr’s decision to testify in the House impeachment hearing against President Clinton. In a related story, President Clinton met with his ethics [photo of Tom Cruise] advisor.
On her tape-recorded conversation with Monica Lewinsky…on her tape-recorded conversation with Monica Lewinsky, folks, Linda Tripp said that she can’t imagine herself having phone sex. That’s funny, that’s the only kind of sex I can imagine her having. [cheers and applause] Ah!…Come on, she’s not that bad! [chuckles] Shows you where I’m at.
This week…this week, George Stephanopoulos said that Monica Lewinsky used to bring him double lattes every morning, but his secretary wouldn’t let her see him. Whenever she would come by, Stephanopoulos’ assistants would hide him in a shoebox.
A…a new Palestinian airport is set to open in the Gaza Strip next week. The airport has excited people in the area with the influx of many new employment opportunities, although there are still numerous openings for one position: baggage handler….All right.
A Russian magazine…see, I’m readin’ ’em all. Russia, aahh! You read ’em all. A Russian magazine reported that many of the missiles they displayed during the Cold War were empty, hollowed-out, wooden decoys. The U.S. admits that during the ’80s, we used wooden decoys as well. [photo of Ronald Reagan; cheers and applause]
Puff Daddy’s producer, D-Dot, was arrested for beating a magazine editor this week. D-Dot pleaded innocent, saying, “Hey, come on, we weren’t beating him up, we were just remixing his face.”
Janet Allen wants to use DNA testing to prove her claim that she is descended from a child George Washington had with one of his slaves. Allen said she just wants to be acknowledged by the Washington family and recover as many of these portraits [photo of a $1 bill] of her ancestor as she can. [cheers and applause]…Riiight?
This week in Las Vegas, Dennis Rodman married Carmen Electra. This announcement angered David Arquette and Courtnex Cox, who said, “Hey, we were supposed to be the most asinine marriage of the year.”
Reports claim that Rodman may have been legally intoxicated at the time of the marriage. Look, I’ve been drunk plenty in my life, [disgusted] but I never, ever woke up next to a Carmen Electra. Ugh!…Being ironic, folks. Come on! All right.
This week, Baltimore police arrested a 36-year-old man who they said is a cat burglar of the– burglar of the rich and famous. The rich and famous in Baltimore. Big deal, so the guy took some CDs from Rafael Palmiero!…Big deal!
This holiday season…selected boxes of Cracker Jacks will contain certificates redeemable for 1,000-dollar gold rings and 400-dollar silver cufflinks. Cracker Jack explained they’re trying to expand their customer base to include more pimps and small-time Mafioso.
Well! It looks like Kate Moss will be in rehab for longer than she expected. The center she checked herself into said the program takes at least one month, and they want to make sure she doesn’t slip through the cracks….The people you defend…
This week, the Reverend Al Sharpton was involved in a car accident when the van he was driving smashed into a car, causing a multiple chain reaction. Apparently, it started as just two vehicles, but Sharpton incited it into a 10-car pile-up. [cheers and applause]…Uhh…
Meet Joe Black…he’s in the red!…Or as I like to call it, Brad, I Know What You Shouldn’t Have Did Last Summer. [little reaction] [under breath] Oh, come on, folks.
And finally, pop singer Björk turned 33 today. Hey Björk, happy bjirthday!
I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Thank you! Thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 5th, 1998 Vince Vaughn Lauryn Hill None Scott Wainio Impeachment HearingsRecurring Characters: Henry Hyde, Elzabeth Dole, John Conyers, George Michael, Maxine Waters, Mariah Carey, Bob Barr, Barney Frank. Courtney Love.
Montage
Vince Vaughn’s MonologueRecurring Characters: Alfred Hitchcock.
Oops! I Crapped My PantsSummary: Undergarments for the elderly that can hold up to a gallon of fecal matter. Note: Repeat from 09/26/98.
Dog ShowRecurring Characters: Miss Colleen, David Larry.
Mr. Peppers in Las VegasRecurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.
The Joys of MarriageSummary: Married men (Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell) scare their friend, Chris (Jimmy Fallon), with tales of marital woes before his own impending nuptials. Transcript
Brew Dude
John Lennon MemorialRecurring Characters: John Lennon, Jerry Garcia.
Exxon-Mobil Merger
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun. Transcript
Lauryn Hill performs “Doo Wop (That Thing)”
Psycho
Pimp ChatRecurring Characters: Bishop Don “Mack” Donald, Pimpin’ Kyle. Transcript
[ dissolve to interior, three buddies sitting at the bar ]
Chris: Thanks for coming out with me, man. I can’t believe this! Five days from now, I’m gonna be married! I’m freaking out, I don’t think I can go through with it!
Vince: Ah, it’s perfectly normal to feel a little nervous, Chris. I did when I got married.
Will: Same here.
Chris: Listen.. can I ask you guys some marriage questions?
Vince: Shoot.
Will: Yeah, we’ll give it to you straight.
Chris: Okay.. because Katie and I are fighting about stupid things all the time, and.. I don’t know.. did you guys fight a lot, before you guys were married?
Will: I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, Chris – once you get married, the fighting.. stops!
Chris: Really?
Will: Yep.
Chris: It stops completely?
Will: Mmm-hmm. You never fight about petty things again. No more screaming about filling up the ice cube trays..
Vince: No more reamings for forgetting to replace the toilet paper roll. You know.
Chris: I don’t get it – why the sudden change? Is it possible?
Vince: I don’t know, it’s just magic.
Will: Yeah, it’s like a fairy tale, Chris. Marriage is just this incredibly, wonderful state of mind. Maybe it’s the idea that you’re gonna be with the same woman until the day you die.. that just frees you up!
Chris: This is just impossible! What, what else happens?
Vince: You lose weight.
Chris: You guys are fatter that me.
Vince: Hey, that’s muscle, jerk!
Will: I mean, when you’re married, you always want to look your best!
Chris: What about sex?
Vince: Oh, my God, it’s constant.
Will: And totally spontaneous – totally. No more date nights.. just pure, adventuroud expermentation until you.. fall asleep in a.. in a spoon position.
Vince: The sex is so great, that you actually quit watching television – you throw the tube right out of the room.
Chris: Really??
Vince: Uh-huh.
Will: Yeah. It’s all truth. And.. you completely stop masturbating. There’s no reason to any more, you’re so in love.
Vince: Yeah, and her breath gets better, too. You don’t have to breathe through your mouth to kiss her any more.
Will: Get ready for long make-out sessions, partner!
Chris: Wow! That would be awesome, man! ‘Cause right now Katie’s not into kissing too much.
Will: Hey, watch things change! I’ll tell you what’s really great about marriage – you never ever think about old girlfriends again.
Vince: Yeah, you don’t feel that urge to call them on the phone just to hear their voice on the outgoing message any more.
Chris: You still look at other women, though, don’t you?
Will: Why?? You have everything you need waking up next to you, day in and day out! My wife’s panties just keep getting bigger and better!
Vince: The other thing is, too, until I got married, I had absolutely no idea how much fun it was to talk about money.
Chris: Really??
Vince: Mmm-hmm.
Chris: Money? I mean, Katie and I almost got into a fistfight over joint checking.
Will: You know what they say, Chris: “Marriage eradicates defensiveness.”
Vince: And criticism. I mean, once you’re married, you don’t feel that urge to criticize your wife’s lack of education in front of a group of male friends.
Will: It’s true! The beauty of marriage is that you’re free from thoughts like, “God, I just want to run away.” Or, “I want to empty my bank account and just run off, to a small college town, under an assumed name, and live with a young girl in a cotton sundress.”
Vince: And here’s the best thing of all – after you’re married, you will not believe how close you grow to your wife’s family.
Will: Yeah. It’s almost scary how much you look forward to the time you spend with them. I mean, I can’t wait for the holidays! [ loudly ] Hey, I love my wife’s mother!
Chris: I hope that happens, because Katie’s mom is being such a jerk about the wedding!
Vince: Ah, forget about it! For some reason, on your wedding day, all your mother-in-law’s horrible traits will just.. [ snaps finger ] ..vanish!
Will: Yeah. The whole day is stress-free. There won’t be any weather problems.. the band shows up on time.. and the photographer doesn’t forget to get a shot of you and your grandfather, who dies a week later.
Vince: And you still have the energy to make sweet, beautiful love to your new wife at the end of the evening, six or eight times!
Will: It’s not like you have an all-out brawl about the next day’s travel plans, and you.. fall asleep on the floor in the corner, alone, holding a champagne bottle and wondering if you married a control freak!
Vince: Marriage is a wonderful dream, Chris. It’s a wonderful, wonderful dream.
Chris: You guys make it sound really cool, man. I’m psyched! I gotta go to the bathroom, though.
[ Chris exits scene, leaving Will and Vince alone to think about what they’ve done ]
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald…..Tract Morgan Pimpin’ Kyle…..Tim Meadows White Chocolate…..Vince Vaughn
Announcer: Live, from the back of a Rolls-Roylce limosine parked outside Club Sugar Shack, at Nelson Ave. and Harlem, it’s “Pimp Chat”, starring Bishop Don “Mack” Donald.
[ dissolve to interior, limosine, Bishop Don “Mack” donald sitting next to Pimpin’ Kyle ]
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: That’s right. I’m Bishop Don “Mack” Donald, and you’re watching “Pimp Chat”! Because, whether you’re a pimp, a mack, a player, a hustler, a prostitute, a hooker or a ho, the game remains the same: you must get paid! Now, tonight I’m joined by one of the most respected playas in the town – Pimpin’ Kyle!
Pimpin’ Kyle: Hey, Bishop, how you doin’, baby?
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Fine, Pimpin’ Kyle. Now, exactly how did you get into pimpin’?
Pimpin’ Kyle: Well, you know, after junior high school, I decided to get a phD.
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: What’s that? You got a phD?!
Pimpin’ Kyle: Yeah, man – a Pimpin’ Hos Degree!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Aw, man! It’s not often that a playa bounce back the way you did! Tell us how you overcome a personal tragedy.
Pimpin’ Kyle: Well, you know, man, in 1984, I was shot in the groin with a shotgun..
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Dig it!
Pimpin’ Kyle: But God spared my life that day, man..
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Hold tight!
Pimpin’ Kyle: Gave me another chance to do what he put me on this earth to do!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: What’s that?
Pimpin’ Kyle: To pimp!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Mmm!
Electrinoc Voice: Give me the money! Give me the money! Give me the money!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Uh-oh! You know what that means! It’s time for Pimp of Da Month! Now, remember, all of these nominees receive a set of Lee Press-On Gold Teeth. Pimpin’ Kyle, tell us who the first Runner-Up is!
Pimpin’ Kyle: Pimp of Da month, First Runner-Up.. is the Exxon Corporation, who recently made mobil Oil their bitch!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: That’s a good choice! But our Pimp of Da Month Award goes to Mr. Ghetto-Fabulous himself – the man who turned pimpin’ into politics! President Bill Clinton!
Pimpin’ Kyle: And the Prez deserves lots of credit for making Ken Starr his bitch!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Hey! Dig this here – Pimpin’ Kyle, we got a special guest who covers some prestigious pimp territory! From the Walgreen’s over on Smith and 9th St. to the Gray’s Papaya at 114th and Lennox. Please welcome Mr. White Chocolate!
[ White Chocolate steps into the limosine ]
White Chocolate: Oh, wassup there, “Mack” Donald!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Oh, man! you a playa!
White Chocolate: You got some White Chocolate inside this ride, brotha!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: That’s right!
White Chocolate: What’s up, Pimpin’ Kyle!
Pimpin’ Kyle: What’s up there, White Chocolate?
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Yeah, dig this here! We knew each other for many years! But I’ll ask you something: is it hard to be a white pimp?
White Chocolate: Aw, hell no, brotha! ‘Cuz I got me some mad pimpin’ skills!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Dig it!
White Chocolate: I may be Caucasian, but I’m like the John Stockton of this here gang!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Ha, say what!
White Chocolate: All I do is give some no-looks passes, and just dish off some hos, brotha!
Pimpin’ Kyle: Man, you ain’t no pimp – you just a safe haven for some hos!
White Chocolate: Whatchoo talkin’ about, punk?! You the Baltic Ave. of this board, you talkin’ to Park Place, baby! I didn’t come here so some honky bill wannabe try to show me no props! Pimps in the front, hos in the back, and chump in the trunk, brotha!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Hey, hey, hey! Don’t playa hate! Do not playa hate in my caddy! Playas participate!
Pimpin’ Kyle: [ to White Chocolate ] Alright, baby, you all right!
White Chocolate: Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about, Kyle!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Now, dig it! Tell us, when did you get serious about this here gang?!
White Chocolate: Well, when the brotha saw that I was down for real..
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Dig it!
White Chocolate: Then they sorta took me under their wing!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right!
White Chocolate: You know what I’m talkin’ about!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Mmm-hmm.
White Chocolate: So then I got, you know, my skisms under my belt..
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right.
White Chocolate: How to dress!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right.
White Chocolate: How to finesse!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right.
White Chocolate: Then all them bitches wanna come jump on my pimp train! ‘Cause I’m the engine, all them hos are the cabooses! I’m always in motion, baby, just like the ocean! All them hos wanna come and get some of this White Chocolate! pimpin’ love potion, brotha!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right on, I’m hip. [ turns toward the window ] Hold on for a minute, fellas, hold up.. hold on. [ rolls down window ] BITCH, you got my MONEY??!! I’m not playin’!! [ pulls back in ] Anyway, Mr. White Chocolate, supposin’ there are some hos out there watchin’ tonight, who want to get on your trizzack!
White Chocolate: Right, right, right..
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: How would they go be able to contact you?
White Chocolate: Well, Mr. White Chocolates can always be reached at my baby’s mother’s house!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right.
White Chocolate: Or you can call me on my cellular phone. I got my central phones on. Sometimes I’m hooked up with that cordless phone.
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Dig it.
White Chocolate: I keep my faxes on.
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right.
White Chocolate: I got my voicemails on.
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Mmm-hmm.
White Chocolate: Or you can reach me on my new interent address – it’s.. www.bitchbetterhavemyloot.com!
Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Ha! White Chocolate, Pimpin’ Kyle, I wish I could chat with you a little bit longer, but this is all the time we have. Until next week on “Pimp Chat”, play on!
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: Ah folks, stop. All right, folks! Thanks folks! I appreciate that, but…
Let’s talk about our friends, the Republicans, all right? The Republicans are having a breakdown right now, they’ve gone mad with the impeachment thing. They can’t let it go, it’s like an obsession; they’re stalking the President. You have fighters in Islamic jihads watching this, going, “Boy, these guys hold a grudge!” I mean, let it go, fellas, you know? The Republicans can’t believe that we’re not buying this. Clinton lied to the country, and we just don’t care! It’s like when they tried to sell professional soccer to Americans; no matter how right it seemed, we were just like, “Nope. Sorry. Just don’t like soccer.” You know?
Then this week, the Republicans brought out other people who lied under oath about having sex and went to jail for it, if you saw that. A female psychiatrist who performed oral sex on her male patients….Hey, if that doesn’t cure depression, nothing will. You know. It’s like alternative medicine, folks. Come on! The other witness was a female college basketball coach who slept with a girl from her team. Come on, if these two can’t get a presidential pardon from Bill Clinton…[no reaction] you know…whatever. That was…really nothing to say after that. One of these women…one of these women was found by Geraldo. You know the country’s in good shape when Geraldo Rivera is one of our government operatives.
They’re bringing out all these people who cheated, and Henry Hyde is in charge of all this, and he cheated more than anybody! They should have brought out Henry Hyde! He could’ve worked both sides of the hearing. “Did you cheat, Mr. Hyde? Yes I did, Mr. Hyde.” Then, they don’t know if they can get Clinton on impeachment or censure, so now they’ve invented something new: censure plus. That’s the best idea. They really did have that! That’s the best idea our elected officials can come up with: the same thing they used for the Dentyne campaign. All right? Censure with an extra drop of Retsyn. Let’s go do the news!
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Folks, really! Hello, I’m Colin Quinn.
Exxon announced this week…that it will buy Mobil for 76 billion dollars. It’s the biggest gas-and-oil merger since the Three Tenors.
When asked for a comment on the 76-billion-dollar merger, Bill Gates called the deal “cute.”
At the Democratic Leadership Council this week, Al Gore tested out a possible campaign slogan for his year 2000 run at the White House: “practical idealism.” Campaign officials feel it’s better than the old slogan, “Need…oil…can.”…His slogan is “practical idealism.” Boy, that gets you fired up, doesn’t it? It makes me want to run out and buy insurance or start saving rubber bands in a drawer.
Yesterday, former U.S. senator and New York Knick Bill Bradley took steps towards entering the presidential race for the year 2000. He already unveiled his slogan: “Don’t worry, I got all the strings I needed when I was on the road with Pearl and Clyde in ’72.”
In Jordan this week, Saddam Hussein’s half-brother, Brazin al-Tikriti, insisted that he was not at odds with the Iraqi president, and he has not joined the opposition….It’s gonna be a hell of a Ramadan at that house, huh? [imitating Brazin al-Tikriti] “What about al-Tikriti? It’s always Saddam, Saddam, Saddam!”
In the new Will Smith movie, Enemy of the State, Smith plays a lawyer who is spied on and pursued by the government. Time called the movie invasion-of-privacy themes “frightening”; Newsweek called the story “eerily realistic”; Linda Tripp called it “the feel-good movie of the year.” [some cheers and applause]…She’s all right!
In January, the Pope will meet privately with President Clinton at an Air National Guard hiring in St. Louis, or as the Pope is referring to it, “the world’s biggest confessional.”
This week, the Communist Party in Cuba voted to reinstate Christmas as a holiday for the first time in 30 years. Havana retailers predict the hot toys this season will be Tickle Me Castro and the Fideletubbies. [some applause]…Ain’t that adorable! All right.
In New York this week, Chopper 4, the local NBC news helicopter, crashed into the Passaic River, and the story was covered by the local ABC affiliate. The UPN rowboat also got several Polaroids of the incident. [applause]…Oh….Come on, they’re tryin’! They’re just startin’ out, folks.
In Brooklyn, a white teacher received death threats from parents after reading a book called Nappy Hair to her black students. Black leader Herbert Daughtry has entered the debate, defending the angry parents. Al Sharpton has not yet weighed in on this issue, but he has never been in favor of nappy hair. [some cheers and applause]
Sinead O’Connor and U2 have combined their talents to raise money for a charity album benefitting the victims of Northern Ireland’s worst bombing. Which would be the last albums of Sinead O’Connor and U2….Come on, folks. We’re all Irish. Lay off. Now look…
Rapper Coolio was found guilty in a German court this week of charges stemming from a confrontation with a boutique owner, who said Coolio punched her when she tried to stop him from taking merchandise without paying. Coolio’s defense was that he wasn’t stealing–he was sampling. [some groans]
A new release on smoking…ooh! See how upset I got, now? Look– A new study on smoking released this week shows that people who quit gain an average of 18 pounds. Tobacco executives are already lobbying for a new warning label on packs of cigarettes: “Warning: Quitting smoking may cause swelling of the ass and loneliness.” [applause]
A man known as “The Concrete King,” who has connections with the Genovese crime family, disappeared in New York this week after being charged with embezzling two million dollars. Police are on the lookout for a man wearing a building.
Telephone companies are looking to take advantage of the growing Hispanic market. Hispanic households spend 27 percent more time on the phone, and also get in 500 percent more words a call that everybody else….Good, clean fun, folks. Come on.
One of the most popular toys this Christmas season is the Harley-Davidson Barbie doll. The doll comes with bruises and detachable teeth.
And every Christmas there’s that one hot new toy that everybody has to have and play f– with it for a while, then they get tired of it. This year, of course: Carmen Electra. [mixed reaction]…Geez, you work at MTV? I’m the one that should be… [mutters something]
A New York tradition continued this week with the sixty-sith annual– [laughing at his slip-up] sixty-sith…66th…my head is…annual lighting ceremony of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Reporting live now from downstairs in Rockefeller Center is Lilith [cut to aerial view of Rockefeller Center] Fair stand-up comedian and “Weekend Update” [dissolve to closer view under the tree] correspondent, Cinder Calhoun.
[pan down to Cinder, who has chained herself to the tree]
Cinder: Hey Colin, it’s great to be here!
Colin: Cinder, what’s going on down there? I thought you were gonna do, like, an Al Roker thing and talk to the crowd.
Cinder: Colin, I would’ve loved to regale you with some spontaneous holi – holiday zingers, but frankly, I thought it was more important that I chain myself to this tree in protest of Christmas. [some cheers]
Colin: Now, what’s wrong with Christmas? It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
Cinder: Colin, Christmas is a Eurocentric, patriarchal celebration of materialism and waste, symbolized best by “Santa Claus,” the fascist white male who invades the fallopian tube of our chimney and emerges into our living rooms uninvited in his red suit like some kind of Mary afterbirth!
Colin: Well, you seem pretty worked up about this.
Cinder: Actually, Colin, I’m a pretty tolerant person. But the one thing I can’t tolerate is the cold-blooded killing of innocent trees in the name of holiday “fun”! So, I’ve written a song about it, [is handed a guitar] and…if I can get through it without crying, I think you’ll learn something. It’s called “Christmas Chainsaw Massacre.”
[song begins; jolly holiday music plays with Cinder playing her guitar shortly after]
“For unto us a tree was born She cried and no one heard her The only gifts the Wise Men brought were Frankincense and murder You jumped this spruce in a tinsel noose To celebrate the Yuletide But the tree you trim is a victim of Evergreen genocide
O Tannenbaum, your life is gone Ohhhh…
You swear that you’ve been good all year On Santa’s lap at Macy’s But with all the trees you’ve butchered You’re just jolly John Wayne Gacy So place those gifts beneath the tree You stalked out in the darkness Smell the pine-fresh Santa beds as you Decorate the carcass
Drink your eggnog, wield your ax You herbicidal maniac Grab a spruce, raise a fir It’s a Christmas chainsaw massacre!
It’s a massacre! It’s a massacre! It’s a massacre! It’s a Christmas chainsaw massacre!” [end of song; cheers and applause as she holds the last word]
Colin: Cinder Calhoun, everybody! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
]]>
Air Date:
Lewinsky/Tripp Phone ChatSummary: Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon) and Linda Tripp (John Goodman) pig out while chatting with one another over the phone.
