Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 7

98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys

The Ladies’ Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Caller #1…..Chris Parnell
Caller #2…..Molly Shannon
Caller #3…..Colin Quinn
Caller #4…..Will Ferrell

[fade up to Leon Phelps sitting in his room with “The Ladies’ Man” superimposed; lights are down]

Voiceover: Oh yeah! It’s time for The Ladies’ Man!

[title fades out, lights come up]

Leon Phelps: Yeah. All right. Yeah, what’s happenin’? What’s happening? Good evening, everybody, and welcome to “The Ladies’ Man”! The loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries! I’m Leon Phelps, how you all doin’ tonight? Yeah? [cheers and some applause] Good. That’s good. I am doing all right. You see, I got my [shows bottle of Courvoisier] bottle of Courvoisier right here. Oh yeah! And of course, I got my [grabs a Pilgrim hat and puts it on] Pilgrim’s hat right here! That’s right!

Because tonight’s show is my very special Thanksgiving show. And this is exactly how a smooth operatin’ Pilgrim might dress, way back then in the 1840s, you know? That is, if he wanted to get some– poke some hontas. [laughs]…If you know what I’m sayin’, and I think you do!

So uh, now let’s get into the holiday spirit and, uh, take some calls, all right? So…go ahead, caller, you got “The Ladies’ Man.”

Caller #1: [is nervous] H – hey, hello, Ladies’ Man. I’m gonna meet my girlfriend’s parents for the first time this Thanksgiving, and I’m pretty nervous.

Leon: Well, yeah, I understand. Um…you want to get it on with her mother?

Caller #1: [shocked] No!…No, it is just I’ve never met them before, and it’s a little scary.

Leon: Oh, okay, I see now. How many months pregnant is your girlfriend?

Caller #1: She’s not pregnant!

Leon: Well…th – then have you given her some sort of venereal disease?

Caller #1: [outraged] No!

Leon: Well then, then why are you so nervous? Uh, you sound…you sound like a fine, upstandin’, disease-free young man! Enjoy the free meal, and if you get the opportunity to do it with her mother, then take it, okay? Cheers and good luck.

Next caller…[takes a sip of Courvoisier]

Caller #2: [is sad and talks softly] Hi, Ladies’ Man.

Leon: Ooh! It’s a lady!

Caller #2: Ladies’ Man, I get so lonely around the holidays.

Leon: [thoughtfully] Mmm…

Caller #2: I sometimes think about taking my own life.

Leon: Well, that’s good.

Caller #2: Oh, no! I’m lonely and miserable!

Leon: Oh, well, that is not good! Um…but I think that I can help. Let me ask you a question, um…do you weigh in excess of 250 pounds?

Caller #2: No.

Leon: Well, that is wonderful because you qualify to participate in my annual Thanksgiving Day dinner for all ladies who are lonely and under 250 pounds….I like to call it Leon [cut to graphic that reads “All skanks under 250 lbs. invited/Leon Phelp’s Skanksgiving Dinner/beer, turkey loaf”] Phelps’ Skanksgiving Day Dinner.

[dissolve to Leon]

And I hope that you will come, because there will be a delicious…um, turkey-like loaf, um…there are suitcases full of fine beer, and many skanks such as yourself in attendance, okay? Next caller?

Caller #3: [is bitter] Hey, Ladies’ Man! I don’t even want to celebrate Thanksgiving this year! All my family does is fight!

Leon: Oh now, well, don’t say that! You know, Thanksgiving is a time to put aside all your petty arguments and come together and enjoy each other’s company. Because [becomes increasingly choked up]…basically, even though you’ve grown apart…you still a family! The family is so important…because…

Caller #3: Ladies’ Man, are you all right?

Leon: [back to normal] Yeah, I’m all right. It’s just that, you know, you reminded me of a Thanksgiving from my past, and i – it was not good. You see, I shot my brother during Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, you know, he was not acting very cool, so I shot him with one of the three guns I always bring to Thanksgiving dinner. He did not die, but he now has just one arm. Okay?

So anyway, to make a long story short, and to answer your question…um, I think you should try doin’ it in the butt.

Caller #3: What?!

Leon: [after a long pause] I’m sorry, I forgot what we were talkin’ about here. I have no idea. But I’m sure that that answer will suffice. I better…I better take another call…

Caller #4: Uh, i – is this “The Ladies’ Man”?

Leon: Yeah, you got Leon Phelps, the Ladies’ Man.

Caller #4: Uh, Ladies’ Man, uh, when my wife and I stay at my parents’ house for the holidays, I – I find I – I can’t [Leon takes a sip of Courvoisier] perform sexually. I – is there something wrong with me?

Leon: Yeah, there is somethin’ wrong with you. I mean I, myself, have made love many times right in front of my parents, you know? I mean, I enjoyed it, they enjoyed it, you know? Now, I am no doctor, but it sounds to me like you have a penereal disease. Uh, what we call in the medical profession, it’s called “scaredy wang.” Yeah, your wang is scared. I suggest that you get over it soon before your wife hooks up with someone with a more courageous wang…and I’m not namin’ any names, if you [points to his crotch] know what I mean! Yeah.

Okay, well, I hope that, uh, my commentary has been helpful to you. That’s all the time that we have on “The Ladies’ Man,” but, before I go…[stands up; piano music begins playing] I would like to give thanks [lights dim] for the things that [a table with a cornucopia slides in front of him] I have been blessed with the most. Number one: a superior-performing wang…the Courvoisier truck that jackknifed in front of my house…that was good. And of course, the irrepressible human ass. Yeah! And as always, the ladies that I have made sweet love to this year. Ladies, you know who you are….And if you don’t, here’s an alphabetical list of your names.

[a long list of names begins scrolling]

So…Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! I will see you next time on “The Ladies’ Man”!

[starts looking at the list of names]

Yeah! Oh yeah, I know I remember [title fades up over everything] that one! Oh baby, I gotta give her a call! Oh yeah!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 7

98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys

TV Funhouse

[fade up to “Ambiguously Gay Duo” opening sequence]

[opening sequence: Ace and Gary flying in the sky, explosion, title card, Ace and Gary face each other and join hands, Gary punches an alien, Ace and Gary drive their Duocar through a canyon, shot of Ace and Gary with Gary pointing ahead, Ace and Gary fly with Ace shooting a beam from his eyes and Gary mounting Ace, character identification card, shots from the battle with the Ice Monster (from 11/15/97 TV Funhouse), cloud of smoke, dissolve to Ace and Gary giving the thumbs up]

Jingle: [starts at title card]
“The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may!
They are fighting all crime to save the day!
They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way!
They’re ambiguously gay!
They’re ambiguously gay!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”

[zoom out to see Ace and Gary grabbing each other’s belts under the title]

Voiceover: The Ambiguously Gay [cut to a shot of letters spilling out of two mailbags with “TONIGHT’S EPISODE:” at the top, fade in “ACE AND GARY’S FAN CLUB” underneath “TONIGHT’S EPISODE:”] Duo! Tonight: a visit to Ace and Gary’s fan club!

[cut to Ace and Gary sitting in their gym, reading letters from their fans]

Ace: Jared Taylor from Reading, Pennsylvania writes, “Dear Ace and Gary, it looked like you use a different spin move in episode 3 than in episode 6. Also, are you gay?”

Gary: You nailed us, Jared! In episode 6, we tightened our spin to accelerate faster!

Ace: Our next letter is from Arch Culkins, or number 248A4 from Fayetteville State Penitentiary. “Dear Ace and Gary, watching you fly gets me so excited. [the letter is made up of individual letters cut out of magazines] When I get out of jail, I’m going to come and find you.”

Gary: Thanks for the letter, Arch! And good luck!

Ace: We feel that as long as someone has done his time, he is entitled to a second chance. We know it’s never easy to be “in the hole.”

Gary: Our next letter comes from Lowell Bethune, prisoner 408AB386 from Camden State Prison. Goooo Camden State!

Ace: “Dear Ace and Gary, I love looking at you. Please send photographs of yourselves, some with your costumes off.”

Ace and Gary: [pompously, looking at each other] Ha ha ha ha!

Ace: Sorry, Lester. We can’t reveal our secret identity.

Gary: Good try, though!

Ace: Carl Hendricks from Austin, Texas writes and says, “I like to picture Ace as an Indian chief with buttless chaps. I like to picture Gary with his body shaved and a tennis ball shoved in his mouth.”

Gary: Golly!

Ace: The imagination is a wonderful thing, Carl. But we like the costumes we have! I can’t read most of this next letter except a few words: “stainless steel pole,” “rabbit sack,” and “mayonnaise.”

Gary: Keep those letters comin’!

[cut to title card with Ace and Gary with “FAN CLUB” on the bottom left corner, fade in a pair of X-Ray Specs over image of Ace of Gary]

Announcer: Join the Ambiguously Gay Duo Fan Club and get special gifts!

[cut to a suburban neighborhood, where Ace and Gary are talking to three kids in a yard; Ace and Gary are each holding a pair of X-Ray Specs]

Ace: Kids, you’re not really a superhero [puts his specs on] until you’ve got X-Ray Specs!

Gary: With X-Ray Specs, you’ve got the tool to see through [kid #3 takes Gary’s specs] anything!

Kid #3: Hey, cool!

[cut to a beach with a treasure chest, “X-rays” show various treasures inside the chest]

Ace: You can find stolen treasure!

[cut to a wrapped gift underneath a Christmas tree, “X-rays” show a trimmer inside]

Gary: Or Christmas presents! Hey Ace! You’re getting a trimmer!

[cut back to neighborhood]

Ace: [pats Gary’s butt] Good work, Gary! [kids look at each other] And with X-Ray Specs, you can track down criminals! [he and Gary spot a well-endowed delivery man walking down the sidewalk, carrying a package] That man’s got a suspicious bulge. Could be a concealed weapon. Better check it out, Gary.

Gary: [takes Ace’s specs, squats down and looks at the delivery man’s “bulge” with the specs] Hmmm! Looks all right to me! Check yourself! [takes specs off and gives them to Ace]

Ace: [leaning over Gary while looking at the delivery man’s “bulge” through the specs] Alll right. Looks good from here, Gary.

Delivery Man: [annoyed] Hey! What’s your problem?

Ace: Oh, we don’t have a problem. [takes specs off] This time! [offers the specs to the kids]

Gary: Want to try, kids?

[the kids sound reluctant]

Kid #1: Maybe later.

Kid #3: Yeah.

[cut to Ace and Gary in their Duocar, still in the neighborhood]

Ace: Remember, be alert! You can never be sure what someone’s packing!

[Duocar takes off into the sky]

Announcer: Join Ace and Gary’s fan club [cut to fan club/specs title card, which now has “$4.99” underneath the specs] and get your X-Ray Specs! X-Ray Specs! [cut to shot of Ace and Gary in their home gym, Ace has a can pressed against his crotch with a gag snake coming out ot it; “Snake-in-a-Can” is on top] From the makers of Snake-in-a-Can!

[fade to black, cut to title card with Ace and Gary]

Jingle:
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 7

98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show

Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan
Señor Guadalupe Ramirez…..Jimmy Fallon
Guitarrists…..Darrell Hammond, Chris Parnell
Gina Cutter…..Jennifer Love Hewitt

[Fade up to Antonio Banderas sitting on a couch with his mariachi band, which is playing soft music behind him. Fade up “The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas.” Dissolve to closer view of Antonio.]

Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio…y Banderas. I am…[whispers] actor! Welcome to The…how do you say?…Ah yes….Show. Now, say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: Señor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.

[band plays some notes]

Guadalupe: Thank you my friend, yes!

[band plays two notes]

Antonio: You…you are so the sexy!

Guadalupe: NO, NO, NO! YOU! YOU ARE THE SEXY, YES!…[his bandmates start agreeing with him; Antonio laughs] YES, MY FRIEND! ¡SÍ, SÍ! YOU SEXY!

Antonio: Gracias. I mean…graci-ass.

Band: Ohh!

Antonio: No I don’t.

Band: Oh.

Antonio: [exhales] Let’s be seriousness now. [band resumes soft music] For a moment. No more jokey stuff. None of the ha-has. Please, put the hands together for tonight’s very special breast. She is a young woman…es…she is the recycling chairman of her college juniversity. Please welcome Miss Gina Cutter.

[The band plays faster music. Antonio stands up. Cheers and applause as Gina comes in. Antonio kisses her hand and gives her a rose. Gina sits down. The music stops.]

Please…seat.

[band plays two notes; Antonio sits down]

Gina Cutter: Thank you, Mr. Banderas.

Antonio: No. No no no, no, no no no. Call me…”The Sexy.”

Gina: Okay, Mr. Sexy…

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] ¡TÚ MR. SEXY! YES! ¡TÚ SEXY!

Antonio: [laughs; Gina smells the rose] This is true….It is getting hot in here, no?

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] A little hot, yes.

Antonio: Well, [stands up] I think I’ll just…

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO!…NO, PLEASE! NO, NO! TOO SEXY! NO! ¡QUÉ BAMBINO! NO, NO! IT’S TOO SEXY! PLEASE! [cheers]

Antonio: But I must. [band plays fast music while he undoes a button on his shirt]…Thank you. [sits back down] Okay. Now we have a good time.

[starts looking at Gina’s breasts] Wait an hour here! What is this?

Gina: Hm?

Antonio: I did not bro– uh, notice that you brought your friends. [motions to Gina’s breasts]…Who – who are your friends? And – and what is their names?

Gina: [clutching her chest] My friends?

Antonio: Shh! Don’t wake them….Don’t close their eyes. [puts Gina’s hands down]…They are tucked in and sleeping like two friendly, boobily things….You know, the kind you like to hang like ornaments from a Christmas train….Very sexy.

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] VERY SEXY! VERY SEXY! [laughs]

Gina: Wait a minute, aren’t you married to Melanie Griffith?

Antonio: [laughs] Sí. I am betrothed to her. She is, uh…how do you say…ah yes. Old, and not here.

Gina: [appalled] That – that is your wife you’re talking about! That is not very nice!

Antonio: [getting gradually closer to Gina’s face] Shhhhh…[touches Gina’s lip] shh-poo-poo! Listen to me. You can make the lips move, but don’t make a sound.

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] VERY SEXY, YES! VERY, VERY SEXY, SIR! PLEASE! [Antonio raises his finger]…Very sorry.

Antonio: It is hot in here, no?

Gina: No, it’s not hot at all.

Antonio: Well then, in that case… [stands up]

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO, NO! PLEASE, NO! DON’T DO IT! NO, SEÑOR! PLEASE, NO! IT’S SIMPLY LOCO! ¡QUÉ BAMBINO! DON’T DO IT! NO! [cheers]

Antonio: But I must! [band plays fast music while he undoes the next button on his shirt]…Okay. [grabs his zipper] Maybe I should let my [faster music] friend to come out to play for– no….[music stops; sits back down] Okay.

Now….Now is the time– [calms the audience down] please, let’s, come on. Now is the time of the show when I have the sex with you. [turns to Gina]

Gina: [shocked] What?! No! [Antonio starts to get on top of her] No!

Antonio: No, I am sorry. All of a sudden, I hear nothing. But I must warn you: I can be very loud. I like to scream some quotes from my movie, Evita. [winks]

Gina: Oh my God! I am 19, you creep!

Antonio: In my country, you are past the prime. [winks]

Gina: [tries to fight him off] No, I made a big mistake coming here!

Antonio: Ohh! Yes, you are right! It is truly hot in here. Maybe I should just do something about it. [stands up]

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO! NO, PLEASE! IT’S TOO SEXY! NO! NO! LET’S– MI AMIGO, PLEASE! HEY, SEÑOR! IT’S TOO SEXY! NO!

Antonio: But I must! [band plays loud, fast music while he tries to take his shirt off and advance toward Gina] NOW! I WILL HAVE THE SEX WITH YOU! I HAVE YOUR ARM, THAT WILL BE MINE! [Gina puts her hand in his face and leaves in a hurry] COME ON! COME ON! LET’S DO IT NOW!

[music becomes soft; Antonio sits back down with his shirt half off]

She will be back. For she is like a bird. And I am like a tiger. And when we make the sex, we will produce a bird…ger….Well, you know what I’m saying. Well! We will see you next time on The…[music stops momentarily] how do you say? Ah yes. Show.

[music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table; fade up title]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 21st, 1998

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Beastie Boys

None

John Goodman

Muse Watson

Lorne Michaels
Lewinsky/Tripp Phone ChatSummary: Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon) and Linda Tripp (John Goodman) pig out while chatting with one another over the phone.

Recurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp.

Montage

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s MonologueSummary:

The Ladies ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) wishes a Happy Skanksgiving to the beautiful ladies watching his show tonight.

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript

More Duets That Prove That I Am The Best Singer In The WorldSummary: Celine Dion (Ana Gasteyer) announces her latest self-indulgent album.

Recurring Characters: Celine Dion.

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, ShowSummary: .

Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas, Señor Guadalupe Ramirez.

Transcript

The SpartansSummary: Working as candy stripers, non-Spartan cheerleaders Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) deliver the perfect cheer as Alexis (Jennifer Love Hewitt) gives birth.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

TV FunhouseSummary: The Ambiguously Gay Duo.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnNote: Colin Quinn delivers the news alone, with no guest commentaries.

Transcript

The Beastie Boys perform “Three MC’s & One DJ”Also Performed: 94g.

Clean Teen Deodorant Spokesperson SearchSummary:

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Let’s Make This Happen!Summary: Hollywood hopefuls compete on a game show to get their movie premises greenlighted.

The Beastie Boys perform “Sabotage”

Saddam’s Private BunkerSummary: Saddam Hussein (Will Ferrell) tries to thwart the U.N. inspectors’ search of his private bunker, so they won’t find his embarrassing personal effects.

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Collette Reardon…..Cheri Oteri

[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]

Colin Quinn: Okay, folks!

Here’s the latest situation in Iraq. This morning Iraq sent the U.N. a letter saying, “Okay. The weapons inspectors can come back.” Late this afternoon, the White House rejected the letter. Clinton said, “That’s an insincere apology. And I know an insincere apology when I hear one.”

So now…we might have a war, folks. All right? Now why did it have to come to this? Come on! We’ve given them more warnings over there than Billy Crystal’s managers when they handed him the script to My Giant….Why did they push us? Don’t they know that’s what we do? We have bombs, and if you have bombs, you’re gonna want to show them off, eventually. Like the guy with the black belt; even if he’s a nice guy, sooner or later he’s gonna want to throw a kick at somebody.

And it’s all about getting the U.N. weapons inspectors back in. And that’s the worst job in the world. Who do you have to piss off to get that assignment in your country? All right? One minute, you get a nice government job in Norway, surrounded by beautiful blonde women, you accidentally hit on your boss’ mistress; next thing you know, you’re in Baghdad sharing a tent with an Egyptian who called in sick too much….You know. And some Tanzanian guy who mouthed off at the office Christmas party.

And you know, we’ve been sanctioning these people for eight years, they have nothing over there, only the bare necessities. And Hussein still gets a 97 percent approval rating….Of course, the polls are different over there. Guys come up to your house with machetes. “What do you think of Hussein?”…”I like him!”

But a war is not good, folks. Nobody profits from a war. Only the guy in Jersey who’s printing up the “Saddam sucks” T-shirts, as we speak. And Wolf Blitzer, who bought a new blazer today ’cause he thinks his career is coming back.

[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: Aah, folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you, folks!

President Clinton agreed yesterday to pay Paula Jones 850,000 dollars to drop her sexual harassment lawsuit, making it the most money a hillbilly has gotten since Buddy Ebsen was shootin’ at some food. [some applause]

You know, between Jesse “The Body” and Paula Jones, this is the most lucrative week for white trash since “Cops” went into syndication. [cheers]

This week, an appeals court reversed a prior decision awarding O.J. Simpson custody of the two children he had with Nicole Brown. The court expressed concern when they learned that when the kids are bad, O.J. warns them, “Don’t make me get the knife!” [some groans]…Tragedy is great comedy, folks. You know that.

Many insiders…many insiders are speculating that Newt Gingrich’s next move could be product endorsement. Coca-Cola has offered him a million dollars to drink Pepsi. [cheers and applause]

Yesterday, Ken Starr in – indicted President Clinton’s friend Webster Hubbell on 15 counts of perjury and fraud relating to the Whitewater investigation. In a related story, next week Luke Perry is going back to “90210.”…Back to Whitewater, huh Ken?

House Majority Leader Dick Armey is being challenged for his post by ex-NFL player Steve Largent. Now, if you play in the NFL, you’re definitely gonna get the macho vote. Who’s more macho than an ex-football player? Only a guy named Dick Armey. [some cheers and applause]…I don’t know. It’s macho, folks!…It sounds like the G.I. Joe doll nobody talked about, when we were little.

International terrorist Carlos the Jackal has refused food and water this week in protest over his treatment in a French prison. Carlos admits that the French guards don’t hit him; they are just very, very condescending.

Tibet’s exiled Dalai Lama this week said the distrust between himself and China is too deep to reopen Tibetan autonomy talks. Of course this guy says he can’t work things out! The Dalai Lama is in no rush to get back! People over here are throwing benefits for him, dedicating Oscars to him. What are his choices? Fasting on a mountain with some monks, or making out with Gretchen Moll at the premiere of Meet Joe Black….Or a third choice, which I don’t know, but…

This week, folks, the National Governors’ Association welcomed Minnesota’s new governor, Jesse Ventura, who arrived late wearing a tasseled leather jacket and white boots. Yeah, that’s how you want your governor dressing like! Tanya Tucker with a dash of gay stripper. [some cheers and applause] I’ll say it to his face, folks!

Yesterday, Sean Connery’s wife…Sean Connery’s wife was robbed of about one million dollars’ worth of jewelry while she was at dinner. To add insult to injury, Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan were called in to investigate.

A news report that alleges Israeli agents are using Canadian passports for covert operations has caused a rise in diplomatic tensions between Canada and Israel. Feel the wrath and power of Canada! [some applause]

The general manager of the New York Mets took a leave of absence this week after a former employee threatened to sue him for sexual harassment. Ah, you can’t blame him, he’s just trying to get a little Mookie. [some boos]…You know…it’s New York, folks. It’s the only place it even had a chance, and you turned on it, all right?

According to an article in The New Yor— in The Washington Post, many senior citizens are choosing retirement communities near their old colleges. The new residents are finding it is invigorating to be in such a young atmosphere, but were disappointed that the phrase “I was at Normandy” won’t get you laid anymore.

According to Swing magazine, the most influential twenty-something in America is Monica Lewinsky. The least influential twenty-something in America is Dirty Jack from the Dairy Mart in Webster, Texas….That’s a real guy that I have to see every day. All right?

The English tabloids reported that three members of Prime Minister Tony Blair’s cabinet are gay. However, it turns out that the men were just really, really British. [some applause]

This week, rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard was arrested for terrorist threats against his girlfriend. You can read about it in the new Wu-Tang book, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Page Them….It’s his third arrest this year, folks. His third arrest this year. Him and Bobby Brown are getting to be like Sosa and McGwire. [some applause]

Universal has had to push back the release date for their Thanksgiving sequel to Babe. Production was thrown off schedule when the caterers made a terrible, terrible mistake. [some applause]

Two large drug companies announced earlier this week that they have developed new painkillers that work without the side effects associated with aspirin and ibuprofen. Here to comment is our resident prescription drug, uh…expert? Yeah, expert. Please welcome Collette Reardon.

[Pan over to Collette, who’s in a drug-induced state. She has a plastic bag full of prescription drugs and takes some out throughout her appearance.]

Collette Reardon: Hi, Col! You know, Col, there’s so many exciting new prescriptions on the horizon, that this gal’s just beside herself!

Colin: What do you got there?

Collette: Oh, these. Well, these – these are just my personal travel pack of prescription honeys. Yeah. You see, I take – I take the Funerol here–

Colin: Furenol?!

Collette: Yeah. The Furenol. It’s a kick-ass combo of analgesics and barbiturates, Col. Prescribed to me by my psychopharmacologist, Dr. Dominick Aku. Good kid, good kid, ‘Ku!…Well now, for example, Col, okay…when I get a headache, all right? I just knock back some of the Furees along with a baker’s dozen of the Percocet…you know, just to make pain my bitch.

Colin: [confused] Okay.

Collette: No one gets hurt!

Colin: Super! So what do you make of this new painkiller that is soon to be put out on the market?

Collette: I’m not fightin’ it! No! No fight here! You know, I could probably use them as a handy chaser to my Diazepam that I take for my acute anx – anxiety, [energetically] on account of the holidays comin’ up, Col!

Colin: Why do the holidays have you so frazzled?

Collette: Well, for starters, Col, I can’t decide whether to get your standard Buttel – Butterball, or just a kick-ass ham! So Dr. Tito Bevilaqua hooks me up with a handful of Demerol paired with a shot of liquid Methedrine, and poof! Guess who’s in the holiday spirit!

Colin: You?

Collette: You guessed ‘er, Chester! [laughs]

Colin: That’s a pretty, uh…harsh combination. Maybe next time you want to get into the holiday spirit, you should just try eggnog. [Collette laughs loudly]…I’m serious. Now, Mrs. Reardon…

Collette: That’s…[grabs her lipstick container] that’s Ms. Reardon, sexcicle. [applies lipstick]…Huh?…You know, Col…I – you know, if you don’t have any plans for turkey day, I’ve got an extra beanbag chair with your name on it. Huh?

Colin: Actually, I have plans. So uh, how are you getting home? You’re not driving, are you?

Collette: Oh no, I’m getting picked up by my buddy, Dr. Steve Longshoe. He practices medicine on the reservation. Yeah, he’s gonna hook me up with same – some peyote for my cold sore. [touches lip] Ow!…That smarts! Cold sores!

Colin: Collette Reardon, everybody. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

[Collette sits on Colin’s lap and humps him]

[fade to black]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Tarmac Talk

Greg Hankertine…..Tim Meadows
Debs Macallum…..Joan Allen
Jerry Seinfeld…..Jimmy Fallon

[Opens with a jumbo jet departing]

Announcer: Live from La Guardia Airport in New York City is “Tarmac Talk”. With your hosts, Greg Hankertine and Debs Macallum.

[Tarmac Talk logo]

[Debs and Greg sit on their TV talk show set on a noisy and windy airport tarmac. Cyclone fence behind them, guiding lights flashing]

Debs Macallum: Hi. I’m Debs Macallum and this is Greg Hankertine. Welcome to the very first episode of “Tarmac Talk”. The only talk show smart enough…

Greg Hankertine: …and fun enough…

Debs Macallum: …to broadcast live from an airport tarmac. Why? Because airports are exciting places. Filled with heartfelt hellos and goodbyes. What better place to host a talk show than here?

Greg Hankertine: There is none.

Debs Macallum: None.

Greg Hankertine: Debs and I worked so hard on this show. And we’re so thrilled to get it off the ground. Pun definitely intended.

Debs Macallum: That’s right. It was Greg’s brainchild. And when he told me the idea I kissed him on the lips for 8 minutes and the next day we were married.

Greg Hankertine: That’s right. Debs, I got an idea. Let’s get really special right now. Let’s start the fun, ok? Please welcome our first guest, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.

[Jerry comes out and shakes hands, they sit down. It is very noisy and newspapers sheets blow all around]

Debs Macallum: Jerry! Thank you so much for coming to our first show of “Tarmac Talk”.

Jerry Seinfeld: Well, it’s nice to be here. But, uh, what are you people thinking? We’re on an airport tarmac!

Greg Hankertine: Yeah. Jerry, do you feel you have anything left to prove as a comedian?

Jerry Seinfeld: What?! Its very hard to hear you! Am I finished? Can I go?

[It gets dangerously windy and the jet engine roars get closer]

Greg Hankertine: Well, it is getting kind of rowdy in here. It’s kind of like a big studio audience.

Jerry Seinfeld: It’s loud and hot! I hate it.

Debs Macallum: We didn’t realize that this would happen. Some things are just unpredictable.

Jerry Seinfeld: You didn’t realize there would be planes? It’s a working airport! It’s an airport tarmac! I must ask you people again, what were you people thinking?!

Greg Hankertine: So Jerry, what about those cabbies and their b.o.?

[Jet engine roar is deafening, windy as a hurricane]

Jerry Seinfeld: WHAT?!

Greg Hankertine: Oh, my God! Debs!!!

[An airplane is taking off, the roar is thunderous, the wind blows the talk show set apart. Debs hangs on for dear life to her chair, Jerry flips over with the chair and Greg hangs to a pole and flies completely horizontal while screaming]

Jerry Seinfeld: WHOOOOOAAAHH!!!

Debs Macallum: WHOOOOO!!! HA! HA! HA!

Greg Hankertine: OH MY GOD!!!!

[Airplane takes off and the wind and roar die down. Greg comes down from the pole, Jerry gets up and sits on the table at the center. Debs puts herself together]

Greg Hankertine: Oh, boy!

Debs Macallum: Wow.

Greg Hankertine: For those of you just joining us, this is “Tarmac Talk”. And we just got our crap blown out by a United D.C. 10.

Debs Macallum: We sure did. Jerry, we apologize. We did not expect that to happen.

Greg Hankertine: No.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why not?! You’re on an airport tarmac! I can’t stress this enough! Planes take off on an airport tarmac!

Debs Macallum: Well, in retrospect. Maybe you’re right.

Jerry Seinfeld: Of course I’m right! You guys are morons!

Greg Hankertine: Well, thank you for joining us. We’re going to work out the kinks. And we invite you to tune in tomorrow. Ted Grimby from the Bronx Zoo will be here with some gorillas and crocodiles.

Jerry Seinfeld: Don’t do that! Don’t do that!

Debs Macallum: Plus a glassblowing demonstration and the world’s oldest woman!

Jerry Seinfeld: Seriously! Do not do that!

[Jet engine roars gets near, wind blows hard and fast]

Greg Hankertine: There’s another one!!! HOLD ON!!! OH YEAH!!!!

[Furious jet engine roar, Greg flies horizontally hanging from the pole, Jerry flips over, table and all, and Debs hangs on to her chair while the wind blows everything apart]

[Tarmac Talk logo]

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Suel Forrestor

Judge…..Tim Meadows
Wallace…..Joan Allen
Murderer……Chris Parnell
Suel Forrestor…..Chris Kattan
Nathan…..John Goodman
Court Reporter…..Molly Shannon

Judge: This is case number 474J. The people of Mississippi versus Steven Harris. Mr. Harris you are charged with one count of murder in the first degree. Mrs. Wallace, is the state ready for their first opening argument?

Wallace: we are, your honor.

Judge: Proceed.

Wallace: Good morning. The facts in this case will show on the night of August first, the defendant, Steven Harris, brutally murdered his employer. This was a cold blooded killing and nothing else. Thank you.

Judge: Mr. Forrester, your opening statement.

Suel Forrestor: Ladies and gentleman of the ju-day. I like to tart off, take a tide off, for bein here tday. We preciate it. NAH! Ima putta dat dat a shattawa bat. Vat my cient is a ide at. S! Ask yourself, You execue intima man.

[slaps jury box]

Steven: Are you sure they under—

Suel Forrestor: dodatdodat (pushing fingers in Steven’s face to shut him up.)

Judge: Mrs. Wallace, would you like to call your first witness?

Wallace: Ah..I don’t comprehend a word the defense council has said but …uhm, the people call Nathan Barnett to the stand.

[Nathan enters]

Wallace: Mr. Barnett, I am to understand that you worked with the accused. Can you tell us what happened on the morning of August 1st?

Nathan: Yes ma’am. Steve came to work real agitated like and he said he was going to kill Buby Ryan, our boss.

Suel Forrestor: Ob-jeck-on, yo hona!

Judge: Did you just call me a chicken?

Suel Forrestor: No, juggs. I sai – Ob-jeck-on-a-roll, dat , tella tally a headay.

Judge: Overruled… .. I think.

Wallace: And then, uh, what did the defendant do?

Nathan: Well, he took out a gun and shot Bubby six times. And then he stabbed him like one time, then he hit him over the head with a chair. It was God awful.

Wallace: No further questions.

Judge: Mr. Forrester, your witness.

Suel Forrestor: Mista bar-day. Can you ah… can you ah tie a tittie? Zachly…hayoda dafidady? Excuse me. Afiddady?

Nathan: I-I-uh…uhm..

Suel Forrestor: Timplequestion. Tie a tittie…goahead!

Nathan: Uh.. I uh.. I don’t—know?

Suel Forrestor: So you don’t dosido, do yah?

Nathan: ….Do si do…??

Suel Forrestor: Did I juss hear ya say dosido!? Nahdosido…dosido ……………..But do…si…do. [slaps jury box]

Judge: Redirect..?

Wallace: Mr. Barnett – I don’t know what Mr. Forrester is going for…Did you witness Steven Harris murder your boss? Did you or did you not?

Nathan: Yes, ma’am. Yes I did.

Suel Forrestor: Ob-jeck-on hona go!! Dis prostritue is alle-aweea.

Wallace: Your honor, I will not sit here and stand here while this man calls me a prostitute!!

Suel Forrestor: Ah commacommacommacommacommacamellea. I din call you no protitue.

Judge: Sustained. Mr. Forrester, You may redirect.

Suel Forrestor: Mista Ba-day. Id-ea true you gotta si da dee oodabotta.

Nathan: Ahh..uhh. Ahh.. uhmm..

Suel Forrestor: You know, I gottadrinkaprobee.

Nathan: Ahm..No! …….? Wait… yes?

Suel Forrestor: Nee ah remin you. You adda oates.

Nathan: Hall and Oates???v

Wallace: This is ridiculous, your honor. Can the court reporter read back the question?

Court Reporter: [very confused] Mista Ba-day. Id-ea true you gotta si da dee ooda drinky poppa.

Suel Forrestor: Aiight. I ga sumtin to shoyah. Ta ah loo at AZZHIBI A!!!

Nathan: [stutters]

Suel Forrestor: [mocks stuttering] Somebody tell me what this man is sayin cuz I dun undastan!

Nathan: I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMO! I MURDERED BUBBY RYAN!! I MURDERED BUBBY RYAN!!! [weeps]

Suel Forrestor: [clearly] I rest my case.

[Applause erupts in courtroom.]

Judge: Order! Order! I won’t have that in this court room! Order! Order!!

[fade]

Submitted by: Lauren Leasure

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer
Martha’s Mother … Joan Allen

Announcer: Tomorrow on Martha Stewart Living:

Martha Stewart: I’m Martha Stewart. Thanksgiving: it’s not just a day for turkey and dressing. This traditional American Holiday commemorates the Autumn feast when our Pilgrim forefathers and the nearby savages put an end to their vicious fighting. In keeping with that tradition I’ll be joined tomorrow on “Living” by my mother.

Mrs. Stewart: [enters] Get your bangs out of your eyes. [she brushes Martha’s bangs to the side]

Martha Stewart: We’ll reveal some of the Stewart family’s time-honored Turkey Day secrets.

Mrs. Stewart: The hell we will.

Martha Stewart: Cool it. Mother will share her famous recipe for twice-baked sweet potatoes.

Mrs. Stewart: Simple, fresh ingredients are the only secret to this classic side dish.

Martha Stewart: [picks up a bottle] Although, balsamic vinegar would make a wonderful modern addition.

Mrs. Stewart: Don’t be ridiculous. That’s idiotic.

Martha Stewart: I just thought that maybe …

Mrs. Stewart: I know what I’m doing.

Martha Stewart: Mother, you really don’t …

Mrs. Stewart: Look, don’t. Please. [grabs the bottle of vinegar away from Martha and sets it down]

Martha Stewart: [steps away and does her Martha smile] The table setting is a wonderful opportunity to marry family tradition with personal style. I’ve offset my grandmother’s stoneware with miniature gourds and these luxurious Moroccan textiles.

Mrs. Stewart: Your grandmother hated Moroccans.

Martha Stewart: [loses the smile, presses on] We’ll also relate some our favorite Thanksgiving memories. I’ll never forget the year it snowed.

Mrs. Stewart: It never snowed on Thanksgiving.

Martha Stewart: Yes it did. It’s a childhood memory I really cherish.

Mrs. Stewart: Well, it never happened.

Martha Stewart: Are you calling me a liar?

Mrs. Stewart: We will not do this here, Martha. Simmer down.

Martha Stewart: [noticeably upset now] Of course, no Thanksgiving would be complete without taking a moment to recall a few things for which we are grateful. I give thanks for forsythia, Beefeaters Gin and Caller ID. Mother?

Mrs. Stewart: I give thanks for Talbots, Beefeaters Gin and my flawless memory.

Martha Stewart: It did snow, Mother.

Mrs. Stewart: Martha, it didn’t.

Martha Stewart: It was the same Thanksgiving your forced Robby to play touch-football.

Mrs. Stewart: I never did that.

Martha Stewart: Yes, you did. You said if he didn’t you’d lock him up in a hospital for fruits.

Mrs. Stewart: Ah, yes. Now I remember.

Martha Stewart: Join us tomorrow on “Living”.

Mrs. Stewart: Thanksgiving comes but once a year.

Martha Stewart: And that’s a good thing.

[fade]

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Opposites Attract

Bob Livingston…..Will Ferrell
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Parnell
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, Capitol Hill ]

[ fade to interior, Speaker’s office – Bob Livingston replaces NewtGingrich’s nameplate with his own ]

Bob Livingston: Ha ha ha! Yeah!

Newt Gingrich: [ enters ] Bob.

Bob Livingston: Oh, hey, Newt.

Newt Gingrich: Oh, hey, Speaker of the House. I don’t mean tointerrupt.

Bob Livingston: Oh no, don’t be silly. Technically, it’s not myoffice yet.

Newt Gingrich: No, sit down. I just came by to clear out my desk.

Bob Livingston: I did that for you. I put all your stuff right here in this box.

Newt Gingrich: Oh. Well.. thank you.

Bob Livingston: Don’t mention it.

Newt Gingrich: Where’s my cup? My “Speaker Does it on the Floor” cup? [ points to desk ] You’ve got your pens in it!

Bob Livingston: Oh. Is that yours? I thought it came with the office.

Newt Gingrich: No! [ takes his cup ]

Bob Livingston: Hey, I know it’s unpleasant when you get booted out..

Newt Gingrich: Hey, I didn’t get booted out! I resigned.

Bob Livingston: Oh, not you.. I mean, it would be hard, you know, if they got fired.. but you resigned. Oh, by the way.. [ grabs a balled-up piece of paper ] ..do you want this?

Newt Gingrich: What’s that?

Bob Livingston: [ unfolds paper ] It’s your Contract With America. I found it this way. [ laughs ]

[ President Bill Clinton peeks into the office ]

President Bill Clinton: Hey, guys! Just came by to see if I’mimpeached yet! [ laughs ]

Newt Gingrich: Hey, Bill.

President Bill Clinton: [ shakes hands ] How are you, Newt? It’s good to see you. Man, look at this city! It’s not gonna be the same without you, Newt. Bob, will you give us just a second?

Bob Livingston: Fine. It’s only my office! [ throws hispencils at his desk ] God, I can’t wait until George Bush is President.

President Bill Clinton: He already was. And I beat him!

Bob Livingston: Yeah, but now there’s a new George Bush -George W. Bush! And he’s younger, and better, and faster! Whoo! Rock and roll! [ shoves Newt, then exits office ]

President Bill Clinton: What an ass!

Newt Gingrich: That’s, uh.. that’s what you used to call me.

President Bill Clinton: You know, Newt, I’m gonna miss your giant hate-filled head.

Newt Gingrich: I appreciate that, Bill. Boy, we sure shook this town up, didn’t we?

President Bill Clinton: Oh, hell yeah! Remember when you wouldn’t let us pass Health Care Reform?

Newt Gingrich: Yeah. Or how we watered down the assault weapons ban?

President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah.

Newt Gingrich: And how I fought funding for school repairs?

President Bill Clinton: Oh yeah, right. And now, because of you, there are a lot of sick, illiterate kids with gunshot wounds!

Newt Gingrich: Yeah, there are. Thanks, Bill. Boy, we sure played off each other well.

President Bill Clinton: Yeah, we’re two peas in a pod!

Newt Gingrich: Right. Two peas who hate each other with aburning white passion!

[ they laugh ]

President Bill Clinton: I don’t know how I’m gonna manage without you.

Newt Gingrich: Oh, don’t worry, Bill. We’ll meet again. Someday.

[ breaks into song ]
I’ll never forget the night we met
I was making fun of minorities.”
President Bill Clinton: “How well I recall, that magic ball
When you achieved Congressional seniorities.”
Together: “We’ll meet again someday, ’cause our reign is here to stay
It just goes to show that age-old fact
That when you get down to it, opposites attract!”

[ they dance across the set ]

President Bill Clinton: “You hate poor people, I’m a hypocrite.”

Newt Gingrich: “But somehow this partnership works, somehow this match was a hit!
Like Rogers and Astaire.”

President Bill Clinton: “Like Mr. and Mrs. von Bulow.
Our only bond was a burning white hate.”

Together: “It just goes to show that age-old fact
That when you get down to it, opposites attract!”

President Bill Clinton: You old son of a gun!

Newt Gingrich: I hate you!

President Bill Clinton: Oh, no! I hate you!

Newt Gingrich: [ singing ]
“Like hope and Farrakhan.”

President Bill Clinton: “Like Kurt Cobain and fame.”

Newt Gingrich: “Without you around, it ain’t the same game.”

Together: “It just goes to show you, oh don’t you know you..
It just goes to show you, opposites attract!”

[ Bill and Newt take each other’s arms and fall into a loving embrace ]

President Bill Clinton: Damn, that was nice!

Newt Gingrich: “You’re the wrong to my right.”

President Bill Clinton: “You made it fun to fight.”
Together: “Live, from New York, it’s.. Saturday Ni-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

The Jenson Mint

Businessman…..Chris Parnell
Hobo…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: You make a lot of money. And the last thing you wantto do is give your change away to some street person. It’s an awkwardsituation. That’s why the Jenson Mint offers a new line of fake change togive to the homeless. Each coin is carefully crafted to look and feel likea real quarter – at first glance. But, upon closer inspection, the hobodiscovers a disappointing message:

[ the coin reads “Not Today Friend” ]

Announcer: Each fake Jenson quarter costs just thirty-five cents – asmall price to pay for peace of mind. And, if the bum tries to cash in aJenson coin, he’ll find they’re not only worthless, but they’re stolen.That means he’ll never bother you for change again. And that’s the Americanway. The Jenson way.

SNL Transcripts