Author: Don Roy King

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald

[Norm MacDonald, in suit and tie, sits at the WU desk,takes a pencil out of his jacket pocket, smiles atsomeone off camera, and removes the paper clip fromhis sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE /NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thanks. I’m NormMacDonald and this is the fake news. …

PLO leader Yasser Arafat announced this week that hiswife is pregnant. The happy couple said they reallydon’t care if the child is a boy or girl, just as longas it hates Jews. …

The California Senate voted 38 to zero to name stateRoute 118, The Ronald Reagan Freeway. The 83-year-oldformer president joked, “People have tried to driveover me for years. This is the first time I willactually welcome it.” And then everybody enjoyed agood laugh, even though they had no idea what the hellhe was talkin’ about. …

Airline travelers’ complaints have risen 22 percentover the last year. The single most common complaintwas, “They lost my baggage,” followed closely by “Ididn’t like being in that fiery plane crash.”…

Well, more bad news for Governor-elect George Pataki.An audit reveals that, due to years of lax security,New York’s reservoirs are, quote: “Ninety percenturine.” … [one scream]

Well, you gotta hand it to Dan Quayle, huh, forfinally changing his image. You used to look at himand think: “potato spelled with an ‘e'” — now youlook at him and think: “blood clot.” …

[Image of postage stamp with photo of nuclear blast]The U.S. Postal Service this week canceled plans for astamp commemorating the bombing of Hiroshima. Theywill instead release a different stamp — here it is– [Another stamp depicting the famous 1968 photo ofSouth Vietnam’s national police commander putting agun to the head of a Vietcong prisoner on the streetsof Saigon, credited by many with helping to turn U.S.public opinion against the Vietnam War.] — that ah… Hopefully, it will — people will find it lessoffensive, that one. …

Jeffrey Dahmer’s relatives are reportedly fightingover what to do with his body. … Yeah, that’s right.[Some cheers and applause, someone yells, “Burn it!”]Yeah, well, some want to have sex with it, while therest want to put it in the fridge. So that’s, uh …[not many laughs] Should’ve stopped at the premisethat time.

[Image of the cover of Entertainment Weekly] The, uh,the cast of America’s hottest new show, ER, havelanded themselves on the cover of EntertainmentWeekly. They’re all there – the most popular bunch ofactors on TV. [Norm turns to the image] There’s thatguy and, uh, the other guy over there – there’s theblack guy there – and the frizzy haired lady – and the- there’s that blonde doctor girl over there. Therethey are – America’s hottest group of actors! …[Norm nods and grins, some cheers and applause] Therethey are.

Well, a study this week reports seafood is good foryou unless it’s fried. Yet another groundbreakingstory from the pages of the medical journal, “DUH” …[Image of the October 1994 cover of DUH which featuresa photo of a doctor and lists a few articles: EXERCISEIS GOOD, MEDICINE CAN HELP, SMOKING IS BAD, EAT RIGHTFOR BETTER HEALTH and CANCER CAN CAUSE DEATH]

A new study shows that a few simple tests may be ableto– may be able to determine which elderly driversare most likely to have accidents. Sadly, the testsall involve a lot of old people driving cars intotrees. … Kinda sad.

Scientists have created a genetically superiorChristmas tree that will be taller, stronger, andtougher than other trees. One downside, uh, if youdon’t like your presents, it will kill you. …That’s a hell of downside there!

And, ah – here’s a story. Scientists have discoveredthat rats with spinal cord injuries were able to walkagain after being treated with a combination drugtherapy. That’s good news, huh? Gettin’ all those ratsup and around again? … [scattered applause]

A new FBI study shows that, for the first time,Americans are more likely to be killed by a strangerthan a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice:introduce yourself to as many people as possible. …[scattered applause]

[Photo of a one-legged goose with a dart in its head]A one-legged goose with a dart in its head. And Icomplain about my life. You know? … It’s tougher forthe one-legged goose.

Hey, Lisa Marie Presley said that she and Michael arestill together and happy, this week. She also made arevalation that she is actually a nine-year-old boy….

[Norm gets confused over which camera to address] Isthat it? Whoop! There I am! I thought I was overthere.

A sheepdog carrying $250,000 worth of cocaine in itsstomach was found at JFK airport earlier this week. Acustoms agent got suspicious when he saw two airlineemployees taking turns sniffing the dog’s ass. …[cheers and applause]

And that’s all the news. Thanks, folks, see you later.

[Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade awayas Norm shuffles his papers.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 17th, 1994

George Foreman

Hole

Michael Buffer

Hole, “Doll Parts”

A Christmas Message From the President & Mrs. Clinton

President Bill Clinton (Michael McKean) & Hillary (Janene Garafalo) distribute gifts.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

George Foreman’s Monologue

Foreman jokes about how easy it is to beat up the cast.

Time Boxer

Foreman is transported to 1939 to box Hitler (Mike Myers).

Recurring Characters: Hitler.

Looking Good

Foreman beats people up to help them look better.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Martha Stewart (Janene Garafalo) comments on Christmases past.

Two Guys From A Religious Cult (David Spade, Adam Sandler) review a restaurant.

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart, Two Guys From A Religious Cult, Leader.

Matt Foley: Motivational Trainer

Motivation from Matt Foley (Chris Farley) gives Foreman newfound will to hit people.

Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.

Uncle Joe

Uncle Joe (Foreman) is pressured to sing at wedding reception.

The Incredible Hulk

Incredible Hulk (Foreman) balks at needless repetition of sketch.

Chris Elliot’s Bedtime Story

Chris Elliot asks Foreman to read him a bedtime story in the middle of the show.

“Stalking” by Bruce McCulloch

Woman (Janene Garafalo) is happy to chat with her stalker.

Jackie Stallone’s Psychic Circle

Jackie Stallone (Janene Garafalo) promotes Sylvester, but mocks Frank.

A Christmas Message From the President & Mrs. Clinton

President Bill Clinton…..Michael McKean
Hillary Clinton…..Janene Garafalo
George Stephanapolous…..Mike Myers

[ open on exterior, The White House ]

Announcer: The following is a Christmas message from President & Mrs. Clinton.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Hillary and President Bill Clinton seated from left-to-right onscreen behind desk ]

President Bill Clinton: Good evening! Happy Holidays, everybody.

Hillary Clinton: And Merry Christmas.

President Bill Clinton: You know, we Clintons have always seen the holidays as a middle class family time. A time when families with incomes between.. $30,000 and $65,000 get together in peace and middle class love. Now, Thursday I outlined some of my tax breaks for middle class Americans. Tonight, let’s see what Santa brought. Hillary?

Hillary Clinton: [ grabs oversized present ] Oh! It’s a big one!

President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] Well, it sure is big! [ watches as Hillary undoes the gift wrapping from the present ] Oh! Look at that!

Hillary Clinton: An automatic garage door opener!

President Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] That’s smething every middle class American aspires to own and enjoy! And that’s why my administration is making it possible for every household with grosse-adjusted income under $65,000.. to borrow, without penalty, up to $200 from their individual retirement accounts.. toward the purchase of this or many other fine middle class items.

Hillary Clinton: Everything from a microwave oven.. to a weedwhacker.. to a bumper pool table.

President Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] Oh, that’s right, honey! Now.. what’s in that small one over there? [ points to a present ]

Hillary Clinton: Hmm.. [ grabs the present and shakes it ] I don’t know – it doesn’t rattle! [ tears off the wrapping ] Why.. it’s a voucher!

President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] That’s right! It’s a governemtn voucher, worth $5 toward the purchase of a new home!

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Santa!

President Bill Clinton: [ coy ] Well.. we’re saying it’s from Santa, but it’s relaly from me!

[ the sound of three gunshots breaks out ]

Hillary Clinton: [ worried ] Did you hear something?

President Bill Clinton: Nothing out of the ordinary! [ four more gunshots break out ] Well, what’s in America’s stocking, honey?

Hillary Clinton: [ pulls present out of a Christmas stocking ] Ohhh, my.. it’s Mighty Morphin Power Rangers!

President Bill Clinton: [ chuckling ] Your kids love them!

Hillary Clinton: And we middle class moms know they’re hard to find.

President Bill Clinton: That’s why, America, we’ve got ’em for ‘ya! We’ve been hoarding them all year! Now, when elections roll around in ’96.. remember who got your kids those Might Morphin Power Rangers!

[ George Stephanapolous enters the Oval Office ]

George Stephanapolous: Excuse me, Mr. President.. Mrs. Clinton.

President Bill Clinton: Why, George! George Stephanapolous! What is it?

Hillary Clinton: Hi.

George Stephanapolous: Well, uh.. I’ve been watching the broadcast, and uh.. I only see presents here for the middle class. [ looks straight toward the camera, obviously reading from an offscreen cue card ] And, here on the White House staff.. we.. we all know how.. crazy you are about.. the middle class. But what about the poor and the.. disadvantaged?

President Bill Clinton: [ ready to make the next part of his pitch ] Well, George, I know my critics call me the President who cares too much about the middle class. [ chuckles ] Well, let them! I’m too busy caring about the middle class to worry about my critics! you see, George, to me the middle class has always been the backbone of this country.

George Stephanapolous: [ still reading from an offscreen cue card ] I know, Mr. President. We’ve been hearing that.. every day from you since you came into office. That’s nothing new. But there is is such a thing as caring.. too much.. about the middle class.

President Bill Clinton: Well, if caring about the middle class is a disease.. then Ive got a bad case!

George Stephanapolous: Oh.. something else I meant to tell you. Another plane hit the house.

President Bill Clinton: [ quicly changing the subject ] Yeah, alright.. thanks, George. [ chuckles nervously as George exits ] We-ell.. that was embarrassing! My staff thinks I care too much about the middle class. They just have to understand where my priorities are!

[ six more gunshots are heard outside ]

Hillary Clinton: Maybe we should get downstairs..

President Bill Clinton: Good idea. But, first.. a little something I picked out special just for you. [ hands Hillary a Christmas present ]

Hillary Clinton: [ reading the card ] “To Angela.”

President Bill Clinton: Oh, I.. [ with panic in his throat ] “Live, from, New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

George Foreman’s Monologue

…..George Foreman

George Foreman: Thank you. Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! [ audience continues to hollar their excitement ] I said “Thank you”, now stop! [ audience laughs, then applauds harder ]

Well.. I’m really happy to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. [ waits for the audience to applaud his happiness ] You know, I had a pretty good year. Some interesting things, let’s see.. happened to me this year. Uhhh.. I celebrated my 45th birthday. [ audience applauds wildly ] And what else, uh.. [ with a mock rush of memory ] ..oh, yeah! I became Heavyweight Champion of World!! [ audience feeds Foreman the applause he craves ] Again! And.. I’ve had a.. pretty good week. These people, they have been so nice. Sure, there have been a few disagreements, but uh.. that’s only natural. [ chuckles ] Guess who won? [ audience laughs ] I’m telling you, no one in this cast can take a punch. [ audience laughs ] David Spade fights like a girl.. Chris Farley? Big guy, strong guy.. a lot of heart.. but not a genius. [ demonstrates ] “Look, Chris! Your shoe’s untied!” [ laughs, mimes how he knocked Farley out ] And Chris Elliot – every time I looked at the guy, he started crying like a baby! But I hear.. that’s the way it is with every host.

Anyway.. once everyone figured out who was boss around here, we all got along just fine. so, stick around, we got a great show! Hole is here. Don’t go away, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Chris Elliott’s Bedtime Story

… Chris Elliott
… George Foreman
… Lorne Michaels
… Chris Farley

[Outside the host’s dressing room, Chris Elliottappears and knocks on the dressing room door. He wearssneakers, jeans, and a flannel shirt over a T-shirt.Under one arm, he carries rolled-up blankets and apillow. Host George Foreman, looking dapper in suitand tie, opens the door and greets Chrischeerily.]

George Foreman: Hi, Chris!

Chris Elliott: Hi, George! How ya doin’? Mindif I come in? [Chris breezes past George and entersthe dressing room.]

George Foreman: I guess not.

[Once inside, Chris places the blankets and pillow onthe dressing room sofa and happily sits besidethem.]

Chris Elliott: Oh, boy. [points to a swivelchair opposite, pleasantly] Sit down, George. Have aseat. [George shuts the door and sits as Chris helpshimself to a tray of vegetables] Ooh, celery![chuckles, eats celery, talks with mouth full] Hey, Ijust want to say you’re doin’ a great job out there. Imean, you really are top bananas out there. You’recoconuts. You’re slingin’ the zingers six ways toSunday. [laughs] So, tip o’ the hat to you, milady.[mimes tipping a hat, laughs some more]

George Foreman: [slightly impatient] Hey,Chris, what do you want exactly?

Chris Elliott: Well – a direct question -deserves a direct answer. George — [Chris puts a handon his own chest] Chris – is sleepy.

George Foreman: Mm hm.

Chris Elliott: And, uh, this being the mostcomfortable sofa backstage, well, if you don’t mind, Ithink I’m gonna take a little — [belches] — nap.[starts taking his sneakers off]

George Foreman: Well, I guess I don’t mind. Butdon’t you have a little skit to put on outthere?

Chris Elliott: [casually] Ah, George, not me.I’m gonna leave that for the kids. You know, theFarleys and the Spades and the Piscopos. Let thosebirds fly. This little tweet-tweet wants to nest alittle while. [chuckles]

George Foreman: [mocks his chuckle with one ofhis own] Seems like a young boy like you should have alittle more energy.

Chris Elliott: You know, you’re absolutelyright. I mean, ah, sometimes I think maybe I have thatYuppie disease. [laughs] You know, I’m as lethargic asa kitty with a belly full of milk. [laughs]

George Foreman: [rises, checks his wristwatch]Uh, look, Chris, you can lie down for a while but Ibetter get over to wardrobe. [starts to exit]

Chris Elliott: [rises, pulls swivel chair tothe sofa] Oh, oh, no, no, George, George.[high-pitched giggle] It’s not quite that simple. Youcome right over here and have a little seat for asecond. [guides George to chair – George sits, Chrissits on sofa] You see, the problem is – old Chrissy,he can’t fall asleep unless somebody reads to him.[pulls a children’s book from under the blankets andoffers it to George]

George Foreman: [mild disbelief] Ohhh, come on,now. [takes book]

Chris Elliott: Oh, come on, George. Seriously.Please. I – I – Honestly, I can’t fall asleep unlesssomebody reads– My wife used to have to read to meevery night – [darkly] – before she moved away.[George smiles, chuckles, shakes his head] Please?Come on, George. It’s a short one. Please?

George Foreman: [uncertainly] Ahhh…[chuckles, reluctantly gives in]

Chris Elliott: [grins, lies down, gets underthe covers] Thank you.

George Foreman: [looks at the cover of thebook, reads the title aloud] “Goodnight Moon”

Chris Elliott: [reverts to childhood, whispersexcitedly] Read who it’s by!

George Foreman: By Margaret Wise Brown.Pictures by — Clement Hurd?

Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles] Hesounds like a weirdo!

George Foreman: [assumes the role of parent]Come on, Chris. It’s not nice to make fun of people’snames.

Chris Elliott: Oh, I know, George. ButClement? [high-pitched British accent] Clement!Clement, come in for tea and brunch, Clement! [bobbingup and down like a little kid]

George Foreman: [like a stern parent] Allright, all right, all right! Now, settle down. [Chrissettles down and listens intently as George readsaloud from Margaret Wise Brown’s 1947 children’sclassic] “In the great green room, there was atelephone and a red balloon and a picture of–” [turnspage] “– the cow jumpin’ over the moon.”

Chris Elliott: [quietly] Let me see thepicture. [George shows him the picture, Chris staresat it intently, then very serious] Cows can’t reallyfly.

George Foreman: [sighs] Just inmake-believe.

Chris Elliott: [a little sad] I know. That’swhat my wife told me.

George Foreman: [reading aloud] “And there werethree little bears – sittin’ in chairs. [turns page]Two little kittens – and a pair of mittens.”

Chris Elliott: [repeats] Mittens. [suddenlyplayful and increasingly loud] You know what’s betterthan mittens? Plippens. You know what’s better thanplippens? Blippens! You know what’s better thanblippens? Beepens!! [bobs up and down again]

George Foreman: Come on, Chris! That’s enough,now! Are you gonna goof around or are you gonnalisten?

Chris Elliott: [tries to settle down] I’m sorry- I’m just shakin’ me sillies out!

[Quick dissolve to SNL reception desk where castmember Chris Farley stands, in suit and tie, reading acomputer printout. He snaps to attention as producerLorne Michaels suddenly enters.]

Lorne Michaels: Chris, have you seenGeorge?

Chris Farley: [reluctantly imparting bad news]I think Elliott got to him.

Lorne Michaels: [worried] Oh, no. “GoodnightMoon.”

Chris Farley: [raises eyebrows, lowers eyes]’Fraid so.

[Quick dissolve back to dressing room where Chrislistens intently to George.]

George Foreman: [reads aloud] “Goodnightclocks. Goodnight socks.”

Chris Elliott: [quiet, thoughtful] Hey, George.Do you think they’ll ever invent a car that canfly?

George Foreman: I don’t know, Chris.

Chris Elliott: [thinking hard] Because, if theydid, then – there wouldn’t be any traffic – becausepeople would just fly over the trees.

George Foreman: I suppose you’re right aboutthat, Chris.

Lorne Michaels: [abruptly enters] George, I – Iapologize for this. Why don’t you go to wardrobenow?

George Foreman: [rises, to Chris, genuinely] Ican’t thank you enough. [heads for door, leaving thebook behind]

Chris Elliott: [as George exits] Bye, kiddo.Knock ’em dead!

Lorne Michaels: [sits in chair] Chris–

Chris Elliott: [pleasantly] Hi, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: [trying to be reasonable] Idon’t put a lot of restrictions on the cast but I dotend to frown on nap-taking during the show.

Chris Elliott: [like a petulant child] Well,don’t yell at me. Yell at George Foreman. The wholething was his idea. The whole shebang!He’s weird!

Lorne Michaels: Chris, maybe it’d be better ifyou just – slept it off.

Chris Elliott: [patting Lorne’s knee] Well,that’s very sweet of you, Lorne, but, um, the problemis – there’s no way on God’s green Earth that I canfall asleep – unless you read to me. [solemnly handsLorne the book]

Lorne Michaels: “Goodnight Moon”?

Chris Elliott: [whispers excitedly] Read whoit’s by!

Lorne Michaels: By Margaret Wise Brown.Pictures by Clement Hurd.

Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles]

Lorne Michaels: [wry, fatherly grin] I know.It’s weird.

Chris Elliott: It is.

[Chris, under the covers, listens intently as Lorneflips to the first page and begins to read to him.Applause. Pull back and fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonaldMartha Stewart … Janene Garofalo
First Guy from a Religious Cult … David Spade
Second Guy from a Religious Cult … Adam Sandler
Leader of the Religious Cult … ChrisFarley

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and brown tie, sits atthe WU desk with his well-organized sheaf of papers.Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thankyou. I’m Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news. …

Early this morning in Washington, someone fired sixshots into the White House. Police have little to goon but say they’re on the lookout for a middle-agedblack woman in a Surgeon General’s uniform….

President Clinton said this week that he was willingto propose a tax cut, quote, “as long as I can pay forit.” He then looked inside his wallet and announced aplan to cut taxes by six dollars. …

French auto maker Renault confirmed this week that itplanned to cut seventeen hundred and thirty-five jobsnext year. The company said it was trying to reducestaff because, quote, “we haven’t sold a car since1978.” …

[Police sketch of the Unabomber with curly hair,hooded sweatshirt, glasses and thin mustache] The FBIreleased this sketch of the man known as the Unabomberthis week. And authorities immediately issued anarrest warrant for Weird Al Yankovic. …

O. J. Simpson’s lawyers have decided to skip hearingson DNA evidence and go right to trial. Asked why theydid this, the lawyers replied, “We want to get O. J.acquitted as speedily as possible so he can get backto doing what he does best — killing people.”…

Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly is out for theseason. His replacement, Frank Reich, said this weekthat he vowed to– uh, he vows to rally the Bills andget them into the playoffs. He further promised histeam would win the AFC Championship Game and go on tothe Super Bowl where they will be crushed.…

A California man has sued McDonald’s claiming hecontracted AIDS from one of its pork sandwiches.McDonald’s disputes his charge but the man insists,quote, “That sandwich gave me AIDS just as sure as I’ma male prostitute.” …

Norm MacDonald: Well, the holidays are justaround the corner and here with tips on how to makethis Christmas truly special is nationally-knownauthority on style Martha Stewart. Martha?

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to cool blondeMartha Stewart who wears her trademark denim workshirt.]

Martha Stewart: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Ithink, for each of us, childhood memories of Christmasare something unique and personal. My own memoriescenter around the big Victorian home where I grew up.Early each Christmas morning, the other children and Iwould awake to the unmistakable smells of bakedcinnamon apples, mulled cider and mince puddingwafting from the kitchen. In an instant, we childrenwould come bounding down the great staircase, our armsand legs all akimbo–

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts, surprised]Akimbo? …

Martha Stewart: [to Norm] Yes. Akimbo. [Normmakes a face] … [continues] –and our childish eyesas big as saucers, eager to spy what good things KrisKringle had brought.

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] Ho – ho – hold ona second there, Martha. Kris Kringle?!

Martha Stewart: Yes, Norm. You know, Pere Noel,Father Christmas, Good Saint Nick.

Norm MacDonald: You mean SantaClaus?

Martha Stewart: [slightly patronizing] Oh. Youcalled him Santa Claus. [Norm nods] Hm. …[continues] Anyway, it being Christmas, mater andpater had dismissed the staff–

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] W – w – wait aminute. Mater and pater?! …

Martha Stewart: Yes. Our parents. That’s whatwe called them.

Norm MacDonald: Where did you grow up?

Martha Stewart: Norm, that doesn’t matter. Yousee, Christmas is the same throughout theworld–

Norm MacDonald: Nah, I’m just curious -where?

Martha Stewart: [reluctantly and quickly, outof the side of her mouth] New Jersey. … [hurriedlycontinues] Anyway, there we children stood, staring inawe at what we were sure was the largest Christmastree ever — festooned with candy canes, lemonsticks and rosebuds on a string. And there hanging inthe mantle of the enormous fireplace were all thechildren’s stockings, filled to overflowing withwalnuts, pecans, candied plums, dried figs and spicedoranges.

Norm MacDonald: Nowwww, where in New Jersey?…

Martha Stewart: [quietly, hesitantly, throughgritted teeth] Nutley, New Jersey.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, I know Nutley! Yeah,yeah, that’s off Exit Seven, Route Three, off theJersey Turnpike. …

Martha Stewart: [coolly, to Norm] Yes.[continues] And then it always seemed just as we wereabout to open our gifts the neighbors would come bywassailing. “Here we come a-wassailing!” they’d shout.”Good wassail to you,” we’d reply.

Norm MacDonald: [incredulous]Wassailing?! … Never mind. Go on. …

Martha Stewart: No, Norm, I think I’d betterstop right here. You seem to think I’m making thisup.

Norm MacDonald: All right, suit yourself. But,hey, if you run into any of my friends from Jersey,uh, wassailing — you give ’em my best, huh?…

Martha Stewart: I’ll do that, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: All right. Martha Stewartthere, everybody!

[Martha lingers a moment to bask in the cheers andapplause, then exits.]

Well, the U.S. Safety Commission has issued a list ofunsafe Christmas toys. Topping the list this year:Mattel’s Gasoline-Powered Sharp Thing.…

There’s a new kitty litter on the market. It’s madefrom wheat. And its slogan is: “Kitty litter just gota whole lot tastier.” …

There’s a new twenty-four hour cable TV channel now.It’s called Fish TV. The channel shows a giantaquarium of fish twenty-four hours a day. Except fromtwo A.M. to three A.M. when it shows “The Byron AllenShow.” …

Norm MacDonald: Last week, a new restaurantcalled Le Jeu d’Homme opened here in Manhattan and nowhere with a review of that restaurant, Two Guys from aReligious Cult.

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Two Guys from aReligious Cult who wear sunglasses and leather vests.They exchange glances, face the camera, and launchinto their intense yet emotionless cultritual:]

First Guy from a Religious Cult: [quiet with adeep, gravel-throated voice] The long-dead rulers ofthe serpent kingdoms will open their maggot-encrustedeyes and emerge from their forgotten tombs at theunspeakable dawn of the sixth day to worship at thealtar of the Dark Queen.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: [loud,high-pitched voice] YOU HAVE SEWN US INSIDE THE BELLYOF LUCIFER!!! …

First Guy from a Religious Cult: The mockinglaughter of the Betrayer reveals that the dead liveand those who think they are alive are only so in thetwisted dreams of the insane.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: CAN’T YOUSMELL THE BREATH OF THE HELL-BEAST?! … HE WAITS FORYOU IN THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE!

Norm MacDonald: Whoa – whoa – whoa – whoa,there, Two Guys from a Religious Cult. Uh, I know youlove that whole cult thing but, uh, how ’bout that newrestaurant? Is the food good or what?

First Guy from a Religious Cult: The foul mistsof dark death will cover the stinking halls–

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: DIE, YOUFORNICATORS!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: — of theObscene Ones.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: CRY THE TEARSOF THE DEVIL!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: And theDefilers will emerge from the cave and a succubus burnthe mark–

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: THE REAPERHAS ARRIVED!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: — cumming offthe fleshy underbellies of the chosen. As the blooddrips from the beaks of the vultures, you are least inthe innocent.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: YOU BATHE INTHE BLOOD OF THE BLACK PIG!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: You – will -go to hell.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: I COMMANDYOU!

Norm MacDonald: All right, all right, allright, that’s it! Look, I had a feeling this was gonnahappen, you know. I’m gonna have to go over your headsto get this restaurant review. Ladies and gentlemen,live, via satellite, from an undisclosed location inthe tri-state area, the Leader of the Religious Cult.[On the screen behind Norm, we see the large Leader ofthe Religious Cult seated on a throne, also wearingsunglasses and leather vest but with a red cloak and ahorned helmet] … So– So, Your Leadership, now, didyou enjoy dining at this restaurant? Would yourecommend it?

Leader of the Religious Cult: [demonic voice]The Unholy One is inside of me! … His ancient spiritdemands sacrifice! … [gestures grandly] Who amongthe damned will follow me to Babylon? … Who? Who?My insides are burning! …

[The Leader screams horribly and at length. Cut to theTwo Guys at the WU desk who bow rapidly up and downwhile gesticulating wildly and babblingincoherently.]

Norm MacDonald: Aw, geez! That’s enough! That’senough! That’s enough! Look! Just stop it! All thisspeakin’ in tongues and bowin’! You know, get ahold ofyourselves! We’re on television for God’s sakes.Ridiculous! For the last time, tell us about thisrestaurant!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: [quietly,reluctantly] Service was adequate. Food was a bitpricey.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: ALFREDO SAUCEWAS A LITTLE TOO CREAMY! …

[Cut to the Leader on his throne.]

Leader of the Religious Cult: [coyly andeffeminately, like a little old lady] The peachcobbler was delightful. …

[Cut back to Norm and the Two Guys at the desk, tryingto keep straight faces.]

Norm MacDonald: Really? Okay. So, what’s youroverall recommendation, then?

[Dissolve to a graphic entitled “Restaurant Review”:FOOD and SERVICE get “thumbs up” but underneath PRICE,DECOR, HYGIENE and DRESS CODE are the words ROT INHELL and a flaming, grinning devil’s head.]

First Guy from a Religious Cult V/O: Goodneighborhood place.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult V/O: Pleasantfor families!

[Dissolve back to Norm and the Two Guys at thedesk.]

Norm MacDonald: Sounds like I’ll have to checkit out. Thanks for the report, fellas.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: Happyholidays, everybody!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: Happyholidays!

Norm MacDonald: All right, Two Guys from aReligious Cult — and their Leader! — ladies andgentlemen!

[Cheers and applause. Second Guy waves to crowd andoffers hand to Norm who isn’t paying attention andfails to shake it. Frustrated, Second Guy slams hishand down on desk and exchanges words with First Guybefore they exit. Norm, highly amused by the wholeroutine, pauses to collect himself beforecontinuing:]

Police in Newman, Georgia discovered thirty-five bagsof cocaine in the backpack of a second-graderyesterday. Authorities say they grew suspicious whenthe boy began showing up to school in a stritch–stretch limo surrounded by gorgeous hookers….

The newest talk show, “The Charles Perez Show,”debuted this week. The show’s first topic? “Who thehell is Charles Perez?” …

This week, a Cincinnati woman with ten personalitiessued a man for sexual assault. But the suit was thrownout when two of her personalities said that she mayhave consented. You know, folks, where I come from”No, no, no, no, no, yes, yes, no, no” meansNo! … Hate to get on a soapbox but, uh,that’s where I come from.

In a survey this week, men said they preferred penissize to height. Sixty-two percent of men said they’drather be five foot two with a seven inch penis.Thirty-six percent said they’d rather be six footthree with a three inch penis. And the remaining twopercent said they’d rather be one foot four with athree hundred inch penis. … [applause]

All right, folks, merry Christmas. See you, uh, nexttime. Thanks a lot.

[Music, cheers, applause. Norm picks up and tries tostraighten his disorganized sheaf of papers as we pullback and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 14th, 1995

Jeff Daniels

Luscious Jackson

None

Capitol Hill

Newt Gingrich (Chris Farley) hurriedly passes legislation.

Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich.

Jeff Daniels’ Monologue

Daniels has good things to say about Jim Carrey.

Eterna Rest

(Repeat) See: 11/12/94.

Martin Luther King Day

Black office workers (Tim Meadows, Ellen Cleghorne) make white co-workers feel guilty.

Connie Chung vs. Mrs. Gingrich

Connie Chung (Laura Kightlinger) bullies Kathleen Gingrich (Janene Garafalo) for more dirt.

Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich.

Entertainment Tonight

Ron Wood (Mike Myers) has unintelligible interview with Nell (Janene Garafalo).

Recurring Characters: Ron Wood.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

David spade complains about recent concerts he attended.

Marquerite Simpson (Ellen Cleghorne) sings new version of “You Gotta Be”.

Mystery Dinner Theater

Actor (Chris Farley) overdoes death scene to show off for parents in audience.

Film Beat

Film historian (Chris Elliot) embarrasses Daniels with “Dumb & Dumber” toilet clip.

Gay Stripper Theater

Drama enhances performances of gay male exotic dancers.

Aerosmith Album

Aerosmith’s greatest hits all sound alike.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

How cowboys relieve stress.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s Monologue

…..Sarah Jessica Parker
…..Mike Myers
…..David Spade

Sarah Jessica Parker: It is really.. it is really, really great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I grew up here in New York City, and this has just been the greatest.. best week of- [ stops ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. it’s not true. This has.. this has not been a great week. Um.. for the last several months, I was working every day on Gov. Mario Cuomo’s re-election campaign.. and, uh.. as oyu know, last Tuesday, he lost.. so, uh.. so, tonight, there’s something that I’d like to say to him. It’s something that I learned back when I was playing Annie on Broadway. [ cue piano in background ] So, uh.. Mario? Mr. Cuomo? If you’re watching, this is for you.. and for all the other hundreds of Democratic losers out there.

Mario.. the sun will come out tomorrow
Mario Cuomo.. forget about Pataki and..

[ singing ]

Bet your bottom dollar that.. tomorroooowThere’ll be sun – in ’96..

[ spoken ] Or, you know, you could get a job in the private sector. I don’t know.. maybe Baseball Commissioner, or something?

[ singing ] Just.. thinking about.. tomorrow

[ spoken ] ..Ann Richards and Tom Foley.

[ singing ] Clears away the cobwebs.. and the sorrow

[ spoken ] ..of Jesse Helms, Chair & Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

[ singing ] ‘Til there’s.. none..

[ spoken ] And you, too, President Clinton! I want you to remember this!

[ singing ]
When I’m stuck with a day. that’s grey.. and Newt Gingrich
I just stick up my chin.. and grin.. and say..

[ spoken ] Oh! I just want to say a quick congratulations to Ted Kennedy for a great win! You really– [ audience cheers ] You pulled it out, you know! You dropped 10 or 15 pounds, and you look fantastic! Your skin looks good, too. So, keep up the good fight!

[ singing ]
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya! Tomrrow..!

[ Mike Myers and David Spade run on stage to interrupt Parker ]

Mike Myers: Sarah! Sarah!

David Spade: Stop singing.

Mike Myers: Yeah.

Sarah Jessica Parker: Wh-what’s wrong?

Mike Myers: Well.. well, you’re singing about the Democrats, and.. basically, we’re all Republican here at the show, and uh.. well.. we’re pretty happy about the victory.

Sarah Jessica Parker: You’re serious? Everyone here is a Republican?

David Spade: Oh, yeah. Very Republican. The cast.. writers.. stagehands.. even Ellen Cleghorne. But, more importantly, we really don’t like the “Annie” song.

Mike Myers: And, uh.. finally, with a Republican congress, that song may be outlawed.

Sarah Jessica Parker: Oh. Wow.. I’m sorry.. Republicans?

David Spade: Oh, yeah.

[ Mike and David exit the stage ]

Sarah Jessica Parker: [ still dumbfounded ] Well, at least Ollie North didn’t win!

[ finishes her song ]

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya.. tomorrow!
It’s only.. a daaay.. a.. waaaaaaayy!

Anyway.. we have got a great show. REM is here! so, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Michael O’Donoghue Tribute

… Bill Murray

[Former cast member Bill Murray stands at Home Base,addressing the camera.]

Bill Murray: Good evening. I’m here to breakthe news about a death in the family. This week,Michael O’Donoghue, one of the original writers andcreators of Saturday Night Live, died.

He had a tremendous influence on this show and on allof us. He was a writer that the writers, actors – andeven the producer – feared. And, in this business,it’s better sometimes to be feared than loved. Butwe’re not afraid of him any more — because he’s dead…. He’s dead and he went straight to hell. … Just -just to visit the couple people he had to meet– uh, Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Richard Speck — andto await the arrival of Pam Grier.

Mike’s work included “Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved BedtimeTales,” “The Claudine Longet Invitational Ski Shoot,”and, of course, his famous impression of Mike Douglasjamming nine-inch needles into his eyes. Michael usedto say, “You only live once and, usually, not eventhen.” But Michael lived well – and we all loved him.Here’s a piece of his, written for Laraine Newman,with Michael O’Donoghue as the bartender.

[Murray looks off stage. Fade out. Fade in on the December 1977 SNL sketch Least-Loved Bedtime Tale: The Soiled Kimono, in which a drunken LaraineNewman is asked to sing the aria from MadameButterfly while bartender O’Donoghue mixes a drinkhe calls “The Soiled Kimono.” Also appearing isO’Donoghue’s future wife Cheryl Hardwick who for manyyears was SNL’s musical director.

Afterwards, we return to Bill Murray at Home Base. Inhis hand is a drink — a Soiled Kimono, complete withpaper butterfly — with which he toasts the widow andthe deceased:]

Bill Murray: Here’s to Cheryl – [removes thepaper butterfly from the drink] – and to Michael.Takes a great man to make a great wake.

[Murray nods and downs the entire contents of theglass. Applause.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Gil Graham … Adam Sandler

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit, sits at the WU desk andremoves the paper clip from his well-organized sheafof papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, I’m NormMacDonald, and this is the fake news. …

Well, it’s been a disastrous week for PresidentClinton. His party lost control of the House andSenate, and thirty-one governorships are now inRepublican hands. The only bright spot: he wascompletely exonerated in the murder of Bob Crane.[Image of newspaper story with headline reading “BobCrane’s Friend Acquitted in Death” and a photo ofCrane, star of TV’s “Hogan’s Heroes”] …

With Republican control of the Senate, Oregon’s BobPackwood will become chairman of the Senate FinanceCommittee. In a statement, he promised to massage thebudget, goose interest rates and, if possible, stickhis tongue down the throat of inflation. …

And in Connecticut, where I live, a House race was wonby a margin of just two votes. Well, that’s good. Myvote still wouldn’t have made any difference at all….

[Photo of woman firing a handgun as two uniformedpolice officers cover their ears] Young or old, maleor female – everyone loves to visit the White House!… [refers to a series of unconnected shootings atand around the White House in late 1994]

In an act of conciliation, China released eightpolitical prisoners this week. But they made it clearthat the other seventy-nine million would be executedwithout a trial. …

A French man who calls himself “The Snake Man” wasarrested this week after climbing up the side of aManhattan high rise. Yep! He climbed right up the sideof a high rise. Just like a snake! … [cheersand applause]

This week is Taxicab Appreciation Week. So, to all youtaxicab drivers out there: I’d appreciate it if you’dtake a shower once in a while, how would thatbe? … [cheers and applause]

A new hangover-free vodka is on the market. [some inthe crowd shout, “Woo, woo!”] Yeah. The ads claim thatthe 80 proof vodka is so pure, it’s virtuallyheadache-free. But, before you run out and buy it,remember: it causes massive anal bleeding. …

Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed thefirst frontal lobotomy, died this week in Washington.If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes inthe skull and then inserting and rotating a knife todestroy brain cells. [slight pause – then,enthusiastically] What a genius – he’ll be missed!…

[Photo of actor Tom Cruise with his very pale wifeNicole Kidman] Well, Tom Cruise got ready for thepremiere of his new movie “Interview with the Vampire”by sucking all the blood out of wife Nicole’s– [Normturns to look at the photo] … [briefapplause]

Liza Minnelli has gotten word she’ll have to have ahip replacement operation. This marks the first timein fifteen years that the name “Liza Minnelli” and theword “hip” have been used in the same sentence. …[some applause, some groans]

George Foreman shocked the world this week– [cheersand applause] How about that, huh? He shocked theworld when after absorbing punishing blows to the headfor ten rounds, he knocked out Michael Moorer toregain the heavyweight crown. After the fight, Foremansaid he felt great and that Moorer’s punches had hadno effect on him whatsoever. He then proceeded togrant a ten minute interview to the ring post. [Photoof Foreman on knees in front of ring post] …[scattered applause]

Norm MacDonald: And now, here with some concertreviews, once again, our rock ‘n’ roll correspondent,Gil Graham!

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to hunched-over,bespectacled rock fan Gil Graham who wears a colorfulLed Zeppelin shirt and speaks with a weird, intensehalf-whisper. Norm shakes his hand.]

Gil Graham: Oh! Thanks, Norm! Thank you! Well,this fall’s concert menu is jam-packed with rock’n’ roll – so let’s take a bite!

October 11th – MTV studios. You need coolin’, baby,I’m not foolin’. That’s right – Led Zep reunites! Andguess who was the ninety-ninth caller to WROK’s LedZep Ticket Giveaway? I was just getting used to thecomforts of the backstage performers’ lounge whenlegendary Zeppelin road manager Peter “Mad Dog” Rudgeapparently thought my third free Mountain Dew was onetoo many. … He decided to emphasize his point bygiving me an old school ass-kickin’. … Theman dragged me by my jaw into a nearby stairwell.Unfortunately, this stairway did not lead toheaven … but, rather, to the most painful tenminutes of my life. … The walls were reverberatingwith the relentless mule kicks of a fifty year oldEnglish lunatic … along with the majestic openinglicks of “Kashmir.” When they rolled me out ontoFifty-Seventh Street, I couldn’t help but think, “Zep,it’s been a long time since you rock ‘n’ rolled – butit was worth the wait!” …

Next stop: October 17th – Nassau Coliseum – thegranddaddies of grunge – Soundgarden – ready to crankit up. I did not attend this concert. I had front rowtickets but my mother threw them out. She thought theywere drugs. … Catch you next year, Soundgarden….

November 11th – Radio City Music Hall – the concertevent of the year – the Christmas Spectacular! … Thematinee audience was mostly families and thus, alittle afraid to rock. … But the hypnotic rhythms ofthe kettle drums backin’ up the Rockettes had mestandin’ on my chair and screamin’ for Santa. … Iwas in such a trance-like state, I didn’t realize Iwas disrupting Snow White’s performance. You know,there are seven dwarves but, apparently, that day, allof them were grumpy. … They pounded me viciously …in front of several thousand people for aninappropriate amount of time. … One would think thattheir tiny fists would have little effect … buttheir combined impact was similar to that of a severehail storm! … Their underdeveloped hands reachedinto places I didn’t think were possible … causingmomentary pleasure, then unspeakable pain! … Itended up turning into a very special experience whenthe dwarves invited some underprivileged children downfrom the balcony to use me as a human spittoon! …All in all, the Radio City Christmas show was a rock’n’ roller’s wet dream.

Back to you, Norm – and, in the words of KISS, “Iwanna rock and roll all night and party ev-e-ryday!” [cheers and applause, Gil turns to Normand pounds the desk with his hand] Ido!

Norm MacDonald: [much amused] Gil Graham,ladies and gentlemen! [Gil waves and exits]

Model Carrie Otis made news this week when she statedthat she didn’t want Mickey Roarke showing up at herwork. Hey, ah, join the club, lady! You think any ofus want Mickey Roarke showing up at our work? …[very little reaction from crowd, Norm shrugs, crowdlaughs harder at the shrug] …

Former first lady Nancy Reagan reports that herhusband has been relaxing at their ranch, ridinghorses and chopping wood. Sadly, eyewitnesses reportthat he was actually riding wood and chopping horses….

The cast of “Baywatch” made a special appearance atDisney World in Florida where they were mobbed byadoring fans. Which proves my new theory:”German tourists love David Hasselhoff!” …[applause]

A two-inch hummingbird that waited too long to flysouth and ended up stranded in Alaska will be flownvia commercial airline to California this week. Youknow, I have another solution to this: Kill thehummingbird! … [scattered applause]

And – [Photo of ruddy-faced, overweight Senator TedKennedy draws a few hoots from the crowd] – our finalstory: Ted Kennedy says now that he’s won re-election,he can finally relax, get off that crazy diet, andreally let himself go. …

And that’s all for now, good night!

[Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade awayas Norm shuffles and attempts to straighten hisdisorganized mass of papers.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts