Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Hotel Sketch

Alice…..Laraine Newman
…..Fran Tarkenton
Lee Whitehead…..Bill Murray
Referee…..Joe Dicso
Coach…..John Belushi
Waterboy…..Mitchell Laurance

[ open on Fran Tarkenton showing Alice into his hotel room ]

Alice: Ohhh, so this is your room?

Fran Tarkenton: [ as he helps to remove her jacket ] Yeah… [ he chuckles ] Uh, Room 411. My last night here.

Alice: Wow! [ she sits on the edge of the bed ] It’s really incredible running into you after the Superbowl, you know? I mean, it was outrageous! I thought to myself: “Fran Tarkenton, in this bar, all alone, with all that energy to be spent!”

Fran Tarkenton: [ he laughs as he sits next to her ] Yeah, well — uh, you know, I’m beat. uh — I’m about ready to crash…

Alice: Really? I could talk ALL night, man! Did I ever tell you –? [ stops herself ] No, I couldn’t have, we just met. About, when I was in the fourth grade, you know? And this girl, Jean Romberg, had a fly on her, you know? And, like, it really blew my mind, but she didn’t know it, man! And I thought, “Well, if I had a fly on me, I would know it, you know? And, like, that’s when I realized that I saw things and felt things on a much deeper level than most people.

Fran Tarkenton: [ nods his head wearily, then jumps to his feet ] Uh — TIME OUT! TIME OUT!

[ a Referee runs onto the set and stops the scene, as Tarkenton runs off the set to join the Coach on the sidelines. A waterboy joins in offering comfort to Tarkenton. ]

[ Lee Whitehead appears in a circle on the left side of the screen ]

Lee Whitehead: Well, it looks like Tark has called Time Out, uh — he’s heading to the sidelines to talk over the situation with Coach John Belushi. You know, Belushi’s kind of an even-tempered, kind of a stoic kind of a guy. But he’s got one of the winningest records in the entire network, so he’s the kind of guy you’re not — you’re not gonna let loose. That’s the kind of guy you’re gonna pay a lot of attention of —

[ Tarkenton begins to return toward the set ]

It looks like they’re deciding on some kind of a — some kind of a plan of action over there, but, uh —

[ Tarkenton turns and returns to the Coach’s side ]

No, wait a second… it looks like he’s going BACK to the sidelines. Apparently, they’re gonna double-check on something. You don’t want to have any kind of miscommunication at this stage. Uh, certainly you want to make sure that there’s no misinformation on anything that’s going on. You know — Tark, they call him the “Little Viking”, but it just so happens that he’s got a huge, huge Oldsmobile that he loves to drive around, just run it into parking meters! It’s a funny story. [ he laughs ] But we can’t tell it now.

[ Tarkenton runs back toward the set ]

He seems to be confident now, and he’s running back for his next move.

[ Referee blows his whistle, then steps off-camera as the scene continues ]

Fran Tarkenton: How about a drink?

Alice: Oh, thank you!

[ Tarkenton jumps over to the minibar and fixes her a quick drink as she brushes her hair ]

Alice: You know, it’s really weird the way hair collects in my hairbrush…

Fran Tarkenton: Yeah, uh… yeah, uh… [ he dims the lights ] There, that’s uh — that’s better.

[ Tarkenton runs over to the nightstand and begins to undo his tie ]

Alice: Like, maybe you’ve never thought of it this way, bu,t like… fottball’s such a territorial thing. I perceive it as a very male thing.

Fran Tarkenton: Yeah, uh — [ he chuckles ] Yeah, it gets pretty rough out there!

Alice: Oh, I HATE violence — I really hate it. I mean, I’m sooo sensitive, you know? And, you know, a lot of women don’t like me. I mean, you can understand why. [ Tarkenton sits on the bed ] And, like, it really depresses me. I mean, sometimes I would like to take a razor blade and slice up my face.

Fran Tarkenton: Uh — [ he chuckles ] Yeah. Um, you mind if I lie down?

Alice: Oh, outrageous! [ Tarkenton lies down across the bed ] I had this premonition of me unfolding in front of you like a flower while you were lying down! [ she lies next to him ]

Fran Tarkenton: [ excited ] Oh, far out, man!

Alice: Fran, does it ever bother you that you’re called “Fran”? I mean, you know about, in that song, “A Boy Named Sue”? Well, like, I was thinking: if you have a son, you’ll name him “Bob” or “George” or “Frank” — anything but “Fran”.

Fran Tarkenton: Uh — you like music, huh? Uh, I’ve got my cassette player with me here. Uh —

[ he reaches over to the nightstand and turns his cassette player on ]

Voice of Bob Dylan: “Lay, lady, lay… lay across my big brass bed…”

Alice: Oh, wow! I just KNEW you’d be into Dylan! You know, I am so psychic that it’s frightening!

Fran Tarkenton: [ rubbing his back ] Uh, my back’s a bit sore — I think I’ll start up the Magic Fingers here. [ he turns on the massaging device connected to the bed, as it begins to vibrate ]

Alice: Fran? Why do they call you “The Scrambler”?

Fran Tarkenton: [ he chuckles ] I don’t know. I guess ’cause I scramble around a lot!

Alice: [ solemnly ] Tell me about Joe Namath’s —

[ Tarkenton climbs out of bed, throws on his robe, and stomps off of the set towards the Coach standing on the sidelines, as the Referee blows his whistle ]

[ Lee Whitehead appears in a circle on the left side of the screen ]

Lee Whitehead: Well, with only a few seconds remaining, Tark has stepped out-of-bounds and stopped the clock. Uh, once again, he’s conferring with Coach John Belushi, uh — gonna see if he can put some scoring, maybe on the clock’s score, just before the clock runs out, here on the first half. Uh, you know, it’s a real psychological defeat to go all the way down, and get this far, and not score. But, uh, Tarkenton’s a pro, he’s been there before, he’s the kind of guy who hits and hits hard and keeps coming — you know what I’m talking about, ladies and gentlemen! He’s the kind of guy who goes once, twice, three times, and the kind of guy who likes to come back late from practice, if you know what I’m talking about.

[ Tarkenton runs back onto the set ]

Back to the action!

[ Tarkenton removes his shirt and jumps into the bed, as the Referee blows his whistle ]

[ 0008 seconds remain on the clock ]

Fran Tarkenton: Alice?

Alice: What, Fran?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, want to go to bed?

Alice: Sure!

[ as the seconds wind down to 0000, Alice climbs on top of Tarkenton ]

[ a gun fires, ending the scene ]

[ Tarkenton and Laraine hop out of bed and run off the set to the sidelines, as Team Saturday Night retreats for Halftime ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Home Restaurant

Man…..Bill Murray
Woman…..Jane Curtin
Husband…..Dan Aykroyd
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Daughter…..Laraine Newman

[ open on couple sitting at a table in an in-house restaurant ]

Man: How’s the drink?

Woman: Strong. But it’s really good. And they actually live here?

Man: Mmm-hmm. The Vice-President of DataCorp, Bill Holding, told me about this place, a man and his wife turn their own home into a restaurant three nights a week. It got a four-star rating in Food Map magazine.

Woman: Oh, wow!

Man: They said it was real expensive, but I made reservations two months in advance, because you’re worth it.

[ laughs ]

[ Husband enters dressed as waiter ]

Husband: Is everything satisfactory?

Man: Oh, yes, everything is great!

Woman: And you have a lovely home!

Husband: Oh, thank you, thank you very much. You know, it is our pleasure to serve you, and extend the hospitality of the region of Alsace to you here in America, at Maison Alsace American. This is my wife, Ellen, she will assist me in preparing the meal for you tonight, and making you feel at home in our home. This is our home, as you know. I am the cook, I would like to tell you – I told you a ittle bit about it on the phone when I confirmed your reservation. What we are going to have for you tonight, exclusively for you. As you know, this is our home. I cook only three nights a week, for only one couple. This week I have chosen you. This way we can serve you exclusively, and give you our full hospitality. Now, tonight, for you, I have supper from the Alsace region of France. You will have, to start, Pate de Foie Gras. A soup made from leeks and tomatoes..

Wife: Excuse me, Maitre? The tomatoes are not as fresh as the red peppers.

Husband: We will be using the tomatoes in the soup, they are perfect for the soup. As I have said before – I am the cook, this is my home.

Wife: If you will excuse me. [ exits to kitchen ]

Husband: And, we will have, for you, some Quiche Lorraine with Apple, and you will have Les Cotelettes D’agneau, lamb chops, with green beans, Haricot Vert we say, and candied carrots and a little sauce on that, for you. We have the Patisserie for dessert, and the wine will be a red Alsatian wine, 1968 vintage. Does that sound good to you?

Woman: Oh, that sounds really good!

Husband: Alright, and for your entertainment pleasure, our daughter Francine will play the recorder for you. I come back. I hope you enjoy. Please. [ exits to kitchen ]

[ Daughter plays the recorder badly, as Husband and Wife can be heard yelling and screaming in the kitchen ]

[ Husband re-enters with the soups ]

Wife: And, for you now, the soup.. and the Pate.. for your pleasure.

Husband: And, the wine. I hope you enjoy it, vintage 1968, from the Alsace region.

Wife: Right. Please, enjoy yourselves, we are only here to serve you, you should have a lovely time.

Woman: Oh, I’m sure we will!

Husband: And, for you. I am glad you enjoy it, it is a very good wine, and we have more downstairs for you. Alright. And, for your entertainment pleasure – Francine – our daughter Francine will play, for you, the recorder. [ exits to kitchen ]

[ Daughter plays the recorder badly, as Husband and Wife continue to yell and scream in the kitchen, crashing noises can also be heard ]

[ Husband re-enters with main course ]

Husband: And, for you now, the main course, which is, of course, Les Cotelettes D’agneau, with the small mint sauce on it, for you. Excuse me, I hope you enjoy it. Les Haricots-Verts. And a small light sauce on the carrots.

Man: Are you okay?

Husband: It’s nothing. I drop a plate.

Woman: The soup was delicious!

Husband: Soup is very good, I’m glad you enjoy it. Please enjoy your meal, please feel free to be at home in our home. And, for your entertainment pleasure now, Francine, our daughter, will play, for you, the recorder. Please enjoy. [ exits to kitchen ]

[ Daughter plays the recorder, as Husband and Wife continue to yell and scream in the kitchen, banging things up terribly ]

Daughter: [ screams ] Please!! I cannot take it any longer!! You must help me, I am in trouble!! I have to go to Colorado to see my boyfriend!! All I need is $35 more for the bus, oh please!!

[ Wife stumbles out of the kitchen ]

Wife: When you are through with your meal, the Patisserie – eclair, eclair – for later. Are you enjoying your meal, is everything satisfactory?

Woman: Delicious!

Wife: Oh! And now, for your enjoyment, our daughter Francine will play the recorder. [ exits to kitchen ]

[ Daughter plays the recorder badly, as Husband and Wife continue to yell and scream in the kitchen, ruckus heightening ]

Daughter: [ screams ] Oh, please!! All I need is $35!! If you have $20, please give it to me!!

[ Man slips Daughter a $20 bill as Husband re-enters the room ]

Husband: I hope you are enjoying the meal.

Man: Great!

Husband: Myself, for myself – and I speak for myself – I am having some trouble in the kitchen. Having some trouble with, you say, La Four, the stove, the oven is giving us some troubles tonight. How are your carrots? Good for you tonight? Oh, not as good as last week, because my wife does not know how to prepare a sauce, you see? These carrots are not as good as last week! She is so stupid sometimes! So stupid, my wife! Sometimes – yes, my wife!

[ Wife stabs Husband in the back, piercing the bill with the knife ]

Wife: And here.. the check. But do not rush. Sit, enjoy your meal, take as much time as you like. And, for your listening pleasure,Francine will always play. Thank you! [ exits to kitchen ]

Man: [ looks at the check, smiles ] Hey, now that is not bad at all!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Phasing Gilda Out

…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Gilda Radner standing on stage apron ]

Gilda Radner: Hi, everybody. I’m Gilda Radner. As it turns out, this week I have very, very little to do in the show. I mean, uh.. it isn’t anybody’s fault, it just turned out that way. So, uh.. they said I could come out here and say “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night..”

[ dissolve to opening montage and theme music ]

Hold it! Hold it! Wait a minute!

[ cut back to Gilda ]

Hold it! Wait a minute!

[ music stops ]

Hold it a minute! Now, I was supposed to be in this scene, okay? Where I was Joey Hetherton in the locker room of the Minnesota Vikings. But it got cut. Now, it went over great in dress rehearsal, you know..

[ SUPER: “Actually, we’re phasing Gilda out.” ]

..and I thought it was pretty funny, but it got cut..

[ SUPER: “She doesn’t know it. But this is her last show.” ]

Alright? It just got cut!

[ SUPER: “She was getting suspicious.” ]

You know.. sometimes it just feels like the whole world is ganging up on me..

[ SUPER: “But we told her she was just being paranoid.” ]

I mean, the other girls got featured a lot in the show. I mean, Jane does “Update” – I mean, she does it really well.. anybody can read. As a matter of fact, I majored in Oral Interpretation in college. Anyway, I just wanted to say, if you watch “Saturday Night” particularly to see me.. I won’t be on that much. I mean, you might as well forget it, you know? I’ll be in the background a couple of times, you know, and, uh.. but if you’re a big fan of mine, I would just turn it off – and, Mom, you can go to sleep, okay? I’m.. big deal. Really big deal. Peanuts! I mean, they said I could open the show. Okay. [ throws her arms in the air ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Goodnights

…..Jodie Foster

Jodie Foster: Thank you. I just wanted to say that, uh, this is the BEST audience I’ve ever had, because I’ve never had a real audience — but you were great, anyway! Don’t worry! Uh — also, I’d like to thank Hilda Radar — no, no, just kidding! Uh — gee, I don’t know what to say, I’m supposed to fill space. I guess I’m supposed to say Hello to all the people I know, but I don’t know many people, so… here’s John Belushi, and Gilda…

[ the cast climbs onto Home Base and joins Jodie Foster ]

Don Pardo V/O: Mr. Mike was played by Michael O’Donoghue. The Gary Weis film was made at Learning Environment for Children in New York. Next Saturday night, watch “NBC’s Weekend with Lloyd Dobbin”. We’ll be back in two weeks, on December 11th, when “Saturday Night”‘s host will be Candice Bergen, with musical guest Frank Zappa. And now, entering the second fifty years, this is the voice of the old dinosaur, Don Pardo, making the airwaves a far, far better place… and saying, “Good Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Metal Detector

Gate Agent … Laraine Newman
Businessman … Garrett Morris
Passenger … Dan Aykroyd
Security Guard … Brian Wilson
Tin Woodsman … Alan Zweibel

[A thin blonde woman picks her teeth as a man in abusiness suit approaches.]

Woman: Ticket, please. [the businessman hands her histicket] Put your hand luggage on the counter and stepthrough, please.

[The businessman impatiently puts his briefcase on anearby counter and we realize we are at an airportboarding gate: the woman is a gate agent. In thebackground, a bearded, uniformed security guard standsbefore a sign reading: Trans American Airlines. Thebusinessman steps through a metal detector and setsoff a loud beeping alarm.]

Gate Agent: Step on back, sir. [the businessman comesback] Empty all metal objects into the tray and liftyour arms, please. [the businessman empties hispockets into a tray on the nearby counter: a set ofkeys on a key ring. He raises his arms and the gateagent passes a hand-held metal detecting wand over historso. The wand does not beep.]

Gate Agent: Okay. Take your things. [the businessmantakes his keys and the gate agent hands him hisbriefcase and ticket] Step right on through, sir.

[Shaking his head in disbelief at this waste of hisvaluable time, the businessman walks through the largemetal detector and exits as the gate agent turns tothe next passenger, a man in a trench coat and wool cap.]

Gate Agent: Ticket, please. [passenger hands her histicket] Put your hand luggage on the counter, please.[passenger puts a bag on the counter, the securityguard rifles through it] Step through, please.[passenger walks through the large metal detectorwhich beeps loudly] Step right back here, sir.[passenger returns] Please empty all metal objectsinto the metal tray and lift your arms. [passengerputs his watch, a ring, and a metal tie clip into thetray and lifts his arms. The gate agent passes thewand over his body. It makes a weird beeping sound.]You still have metal on you somewhere, sir.

Passenger: Okay! Okay, I’ve got some keys and, uh, Ihave a knife. [pulls a set of keys and a pocketknifefrom his pocket and drops them in the tray]

Gate Agent: Okay, lift your arms, please. [passengerraises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it beepsweirdly] I’m sorry, sir, you still have some metal on you.

Passenger: All right. Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine.[pulls more metal items from pockets and drops them intray, quickly the tray overflows and the items spillonto the counter] I got it. Don’t– [more small itemsbut then increasingly larger ones] I know, I know.You’re just doing your job. I know.

Gate Agent: That’s right, sir.

[Now, the passenger holds the pocket of his trenchcoat over the counter and metal objects noisily pourout of it — the counter and floor are littered withnuts, bolts, keys, silverware, etc. The passengercontinues to pull out larger and larger objects hiddenabout his person: square metal plates, a wrench, a bigvise. Finally, he finishes and gestures to the gateagent.]

Gate Agent: Lift your arms, please. [passenger raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it beeps weirdly, gate agent gets annoyed] I’m sorry, I’m still getting a beep.

Passenger: [upset and angry] OKAY!!! [strips off histrenchcoat and lets it fall to the floor] You peopleare always so thorough! But when something REALLYhappens — [pulls off his necktie] when you’re REALLYneeded — you’re the LAST ONES TO KNOW ABOUT IT![strips off his shirt to reveal a metal collarpadlocked to his neck with chains running from thecollar down his bare torso – he tries to remove thecollar but his shirt gets in the way – he fumbles withthe shirt then frustratedly gives up on the collar -petulantly] I can’t take my collar off today! [thegate agent helpfully picks up a key from the floor andgives it to him but he takes it and throws it down onthe counter] That’s not the key. That’s another one! ILOVE METAL! I NEED METAL!

Gate Agent: You should have thought of that when yougot dressed. Okay, sir.

Passenger: Can I go?!

Gate Agent: [sighs] Lift your arms one more time.[passenger raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, itbeeps weirdly – the gate agent and passenger stare atone another silently for a moment, then:]

Passenger: ALL RIIIIIGHT! [pulls off his wool cap toreveal a solid metal cap molded to fit his head, hepulls it off with an effort and puts it on thecounter]

Gate Agent: [finally satisfied] All right, sir. Takeyour things.

[Passenger picks his trenchcoat up from the floor anduses it to collect most of the metal objects from thecounter. Hunched over, his arms full of metal wrappedin the trenchcoat, he exits.]

Gate Agent: [deep sigh, hand on hip, gesturing to thedeparting passenger, speaking to no one in particular]Sometimes it’s like they make it hard on me onpurpose. [turns to the next passenger] Ticket, please.[the next passenger turns out to be the Tin Woodsmanfrom the 1939 film version of “The Wizard of Oz” – hehands her his ticket] Oh! Thank you, Tin Woodsman! Goright on through. [The Tin Woodsman passes through themetal detector and, of course, sets it off – he turnsto the gate agent who waves him on] Oh, go ahead, TinWoodsman, it’s all right. [The Tin Woodsman nods andexits – the gate agent turns to other passengers]

Security Guard: [to himself] The Tin Woodsman? Thatwas the Tin Woodsman? I should have asked him for hisautograph.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Jodie Foster’s Monologue

…..Jodie Foster

Jodie Foster: Thank you! No, I’m not Miss Teenage America! You know, it’s really a special honor to be here tonight, because I’m the youngest host “Saturday Night”‘s ever had, but nobody here has treated me like a kid or anything. They’ve all assured me that, even though I’m only 14, I’m still exactly the same as every other host.

Like, I was told, for example, Raquel Welch also drank her milk out of a Flintstone’s glass. Everyone says that Desi Arnez, he got paid the same way I’m being paid – not in one lump sum, but in a weekly allowance of $5, which he got every Saturday morning, unless he forgot to make his bed. And there was one more thing I was told repeatedly by everyone here, that Elliot Gould’s cue cards were exactly like mine.

[ show Cue Card Man holding up cue card with picture of a cat and the word “CAT” written on it ]

So, I feel really comfortable in the role of “Saturday Night” host, except for one thing. Well, the show has started late tonight, but, just like all the other hosts whose shows started late, I brought a note from home to explain. [ pulls note out pocket ] I’ve got it right here – it’s Snoopy, see? [ reads ] “Dear ‘Saturday Night’ audience: Please excuse Jodie’s tardiness tonight, as the doctor said she had to watch Miss Teen America all the way to the end, or she would die. Signed: Jodie’s Mother.”

Well, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tales

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mr. Mike…..Michael O’Donaghue
…..Jodie Foster

[ open on Mr. Mike sitting solemnly in his director’s chair – Jodie Fosterruns up ]

Jodie Foster: Oh, Mr. Mike, Mr. Mike! Please tell me aLeast-Loved Bedtime Story!

Mr. Mike: Well, sure thing, you little imp! Just hop up here onmy knee, and I’ll tell you the story of “The Little Train That Died”.

[ Jodie hops up ]

Okay, now.. “One time, there was a little train who hadto pull a giant load of scrap metal up the mountain. He had never pulled such a heavy load in his life, and so when he left the valley, his little wheels said, ‘I hope I can. I hope I can. I hope I can. I hope I can.’ But, before long, he picked up speed and his little wheels said, ‘I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.’ Soon, the little train was whizzing right up the mountain, and now the wheels said, ‘I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! Heart attack! Heart attack! Heart attack! Heart attack! Oh, my God, the pain! Oh, my God, the pain! Oh, my God, the pain! I left my pills in the roundhouse!! I left my pills in the roundhouse!!‘ And he died.

Now, normally, little Jodie, that would be the end of the story,but the little train was on the mountain – on an incline – and it began to roll backwards, slowly at first, of course.. but it got faster and faster, until he was just barreling down the mountain, his wheels just barely on the tracks.. of course, he didn’t say anything this time, because he was dead. Now, in the valley, who should be sitting on the tracks – Freddy the Frog, and wouldn’t you know? He’s facing the wrong way, so he never sees the train coming at him at 180 miles an hour. Fortunately, Freddy hops off the tracks just in time, and the train misses him, hitting, instead, a school bus, killing 150 – no one over the age of 9. Now, when the state police arrive at the scene, one of them looks around at the carnage and grizzly mutilation spots and says, “You know, it’s wrong that so many human beings should be dead, and this frog should still be alive. And so, they beat him to death with a softball bat. The end.”

Jodie Foster: Oh, Mr. Mike, Mr. Mike, that was the besttale I ever heard!

Mr. Mike: Well, you know, Jodie, I have a lot more where thatcame from.. [ to audience ] ..uh, goodnight! [ to Jodie ] Have you heard the one about the penguin, the soapdish, and invisible cowgirl? Well, it seems that..

[ fade to black as Mr. Mike tells the story in private ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

I’m Not Black

Husband…..Garrett Morris
Wife…..Jane Curtin

[ open in the middle of an argument between black husband and his white wife ]

Husband: [ filling up a glass of something strong ] What could be that awful that you can’t even say it?

Wife: Well, it’s.. it’s.. just that you’ve always trusted me.. married six years, and you’ve never had any reason to doubt me..

Husband: Oh, God! [ sits down next to her ] For God’s sake, just say it! Say it!

Wife: Okay. It is 1976, and we’re both modern people..

Husband: [ groaning ] Plea-ea-ease..

Wife: Richard, nothing’s gonna change. I’m still gonna be the same woman I was..

Husband: What is it?

Wife: [ reluctant ] I’m not black.

Husband: [ stunned ] What?

Wife: I’m not black!

Husband: [ greatly confused ] But.. but the very first night we met, your first words to me: “Boy, it sure is fun being Negro!”

Wife: So I said it, so what? Nobody means what they say in those singles bars!

Husband: But what about all that stuff about how you’re constantly being mistaken for Diana Ross?

Wife: You agreed with me! You even said I had to gain weight!

Husband: And I guess your real name isn’t really Jemima, is it?

Wife: That part was true.

Husband: Well, thanks for the intro. You know, when you’re married to someone, it’s always nice to know their name.

Wife: You know, it’s funny.. I never thought I’d have to tell you. I always thought that you knew, somehow..

Husband: Well, how could I? You kept it so well hidden.

Wife: But there were clues! So many times, I thought you’d guess. Like that time you caught me with my family portrait and all those crayons?

Husband: Well..

Wife: And the time you saw my birth certificate with the word “Not” penciled in above “Caucasian”?

Husband: Well..

Wife: And, then there’s my fear of Sickle Cell Anemia.

Husband: What about it?

Wife: I have no fear of Sickle Cell Anemia!

Husband: Oh. Well, what about those Christmas cards – six years of Christmas cards signed “Your cousin, Little Anthony.”

Wife: Didn’t you ever wonder why he never used his last name? Imean, do you really think that Little Anthony calls himself “Little Anthony”?

Husband: Well, I don’t know.. I don’t go around thinking about what Little Anthony calls himself very much..

Wife: Look, I’m white, Richard. White! You know, cute little button nose.. suntan lines.. refers to blacks as “Them”!

Husband: [ in denial ] No! Stop! God, I feel like such a fool..

Wife: Richard, the bottoms of my feet are the same shade as the top! Do you understand that?! You haven’t been a fool. You’ve been in love, and love is blind.

Husband: [ kisses his wife, as he starts to reach acceptance ] I guess this explains why you never got that afro, huh? [ she nods ] Well, it does come as a shock, honey.. but it’s not so bad. It doesn’t change you, and it doesn’t change me..

Wife: Great!

Husband: Plus, it will really please my mother and father to hear this.. I mean, you know how white parents are.

Wife: And white husbands, too. I married one, didn’t I? [ laughs ]

Husband: Yeah. What’s for dinner?

Wife: Ribs.

[ they laugh as the scene zooms out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Don Pardo: the First Fifty Years

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs … Dan Aykroyd
Mr. Pardo … John Belushi
Mrs. Pardo … Jane Curtin
Nurse …Anne Beatts
Schoolchildren … Alan Zweibel, Marilyn Miller, Tom Schiller, etc.
Miss Longabaugh … Laraine Newman
Conductor … Garrett Morris
Don’s Wife … Gilda Radner
Personnel Director … John Belushi
Male Voice … John Belushi
Stella Dallas … Laraine Newman
Jane … Jane Curtin
John … John Belushi
Janet … Gilda Radner
… Lorne Michaels
… Laraine Newman
…and starring Don Pardo as Himself!!!

[Graphic of an old-fashioned NBC radio microphone with lightning bolts shooting out from it.]

Danny V/O: And now! As part of NBC’s Fiftieth Anniversary, a salute to the greatest voice-over announcer in the history of show business![Superimposed text reads: Don Pardo: the First 50 Years] Don Pardo: the First Fifty Years!

[The text disappears and a tuxedo-clad Danny steps in front of the graphic to address the camera]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: Hello there! My name is Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs. The term “voice-over” is used in television whenever announcements or narration are required in a scene. It’s a grueling and, until now, thankless art which demands precision, patience and guts. Don Pardo’s background helped to combine these qualities. His father was an auctioneer and his mother was an opera singer. You might say he was a born announcer. Don took his first cue at Westfield Hospital where he was born at eleven-thirty A.M., ten-thirty Central time.

[Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of an old building. We slowly zoom in on the building as a superimposed text reads: FEBRUARY 26, 1926 Westfield, Mass. Dissolve to a hospital room where Don Pardo’s mother, Mrs. Pardo lies in bed. Mr. Pardo stands at her bedside holding her hand.]

Mr. Pardo: How are ya, honey?

Mrs. Pardo: I’m tired but I’m happy.

Mr. Pardo: When can we see the baby?

Nurse: [enters carrying baby Don who is so wrapped in blankets that he’s not visible] Right now, Mr. Pardo.

Mrs. Pardo: Oh, isn’t he cute?

Mr. Pardo: I guess we’ll have to start sending out the birth announcements.

Mrs. Pardo: [nods] I guess so.

Don Pardo V/O: No, you won’t, Dad!!! I’ll do it myself!!! [the nurse and the Pardos are stunned to hear Don’s voice booming from the blankets in the nurse’s arms] It’s a boy!!! Yes, six and one halfpounds of your own son!!! Another miracle from Mother Nature!!!

[The nurse looks confused but the Pardos are thrilled.]

Mr. Pardo: Just listen to that! Someday he’s gonna be President of the United States!

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs V/O: And so, a voice was born. In school, young Pardo’s teachers were quick to recognize his special talent.

[Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of a schoolhouse. As we slowly zoom in on the building we dissolve to a classroom full of rowdy schoolchildren wearing 1930s clothes, throwing paper airplanes and spitballs while yelling things like “Come on!” “Watch out!” etc. Theteacher, Miss Longabaugh, enters and things quickly quiet down.]

Miss Longabaugh: Children! Children! Now, what’s going on in here? I could hear you all the way down the hall. Don Pardo, tell me what was going on.

Don Pardo V/O: Well, Miss Longabaugh, Susan Anderson was talking with her neighbor! And then Stevie O’Connor threw Gloria’s shoe in the wastebasket! Another naughty act by Stevie!

Miss Longabaugh: Thank you, Don Pardo. You know, you’ve got a great future. That voice could run railroads.

[Train music. Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of a locomotive.]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs V/O: Don went on to marry his childhood sweetheart and, like all young couples at the time, they went up to Niagara Falls for their honeymoon.

[Dissolve to the curtained berths inside the sleeper car of a passenger train. The rocking motion of the moving train causes the curtains to sway. An elderly Negro conductor, carrying hand-held chimes, enters andaddresses an upper berth.]

Conductor: Uh, is everything fine, Mr. and Mrs. Pardo?

Don Pardo V/O: [unseen, from behind the curtains] Yes, thank you.

Conductor: All right. [Conductor rings his chimes: the NBC tones! He starts to move off but pauses when he hears the honeymoon couple talking behind the curtains and eavesdrops on their conversation:]

Don’s Wife V/O: Honey?

Don Pardo V/O: Yes, Kath?

Don’s Wife V/O: Do it again. Once more. Give it to me.

Don Pardo V/O: [grumbles, reluctantly] Oh, okay. [in a suddenly booming voice] We’ll be staying at the fabulous Bryant House hotel!!! Thirty-five spacious rooms with a spectacular view of the falls!!!Complimentary Continental breakfast and a free tour of the falls in the Maid of the Mist!!!

[Conductor listens with mild surprise, shakes his head and walks off. Dissolve back to Danny.]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: After the honeymoon, Don tried many jobs: short order cook, door-to-door salesman. He even tried bun running at chic restaurants. But nothing seemed right for him. Finally, he got his courage up and he went to apply for the job he was burning to do — radio announcing.

[Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of a marquee with NBC STUDIOS in neon letters. A superimposed text reads: 1932. Of course, Don actually began work at NBC in 1944. Dissolve to a personnel office where the greasy, cigar-smoking Personnel Director sits behind a desk, talking on an old-fashioned pedestal phone.]

Personnel Director: [into the phone] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s what they say about– [knock at the door] Ah, I’ll call ya later. [hangs up phone, calls out] Come in. [sound of a door opening] Ah, Mr. Pardo. Sit down. [indicates an empty chair in front of the desk, next to an ashtray stand – we hear the door close – after a moment, the empty chair suddenly slides forward as the invisible Don Pardo sits down – the personnel director addresses the empty chair] Okay, Pardo. You know what this job means, don’t you? It’s demanding. You gotta have pitch, you gotta have timbre, and you gotta have resonance. This ain’t for no sissies so don’t get any ideas about gettin’ your puss slapped all over the covers o’ Life and Look, okay? Let’s see. [looks at Pardo’s resume] Cook, salesman, bun runner. Nothin’ here in your resume that would qualify ya. But I got a hunch about you, Pardo. Here … [puts a piece of paper on the edge of the desk] … read this.

Don Pardo V/O: [misreads it with his booming voice] We’ll be right black!!! I mean, we’ll be bright black!!! [uncertainly, to the wincing personnel director] How’s that?

Personnel Director: [unimpressed] Great. Okay, okay, thanks. We’ll call ya.

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs V/O: Well, Don got the job …

[The chair slides back as the invisible Don Pardo rises and knocks over the ashtray stand. The personnel director gets back on the phone.]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs V/O: … but only because six other NBC announcers were killed in a train wreck near Chicago. [Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of radio station WEAF. Zoom in slowly on the station and dissolve to photo of the studio control room.] The job was on a radio show called “Stella Dallas” — a serial heard and enjoyed by millions of Americans during the war. Here’s a recording of Don’s first show, one we think he’d like to forget.

[Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of a family sitting around a huge vintage radio as we hear what is supposed to be a recording of the old time radio soap opera “Stella Dallas”:]

Male Voice: [over eerie music] Stella, don’t go into the library!

Stella Dallas’ Voice: But I have to see what’s happened to father!

[A door creaks open, Stella screams, dramatic music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Tune in next week to “Stella Dallas” when we find out that Stella killed her father!!! Oh, I wasn’t supposed to say that? But I thought– Oh, oh, ohhhhh.

[Dissolve back to Danny who laughs maniacally at this error but then instantly becomes sober and continues his narration:]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: He was an NBC staff radio announcer for many years, until that miracle called “television” appeared. He worked, first, in a live TV drama: “Elaine Carrington’s Follow Your Heart”.

[Dissolve to the set of the live TV drama]

Jane: He was a good man… a good man.

John: I’m gonna miss him at the plant.

Janet: How could it have happened? A machine. A piece of steel with no feelings, crushing him. What kind of horror is this? What kind of nightmare? What kind of machine? [she breaks down and cries]

Don Pardo V/O: It was at Atkinson-Hurley metal press, Janet! Two-and-a-half full tongues of steel holding and shaping strength!

[music sting, as we dissolve back to Danny, who laughs maniacally at this then becomes sober and continues his narration:]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: Don Pardo worked on over one hundred and twelve shows from 1948 to 1960, including “Four Star Revue,” “The Colgate Comedy Hour,” “The Price Is Right” and, of course, NBC’s long-running game show “Jeopardy!” And when television moved to Hollywood, Don refused togo. He’d been offered the role of an announcer on a new comedy show but, as he said at the time, “Who wants to see a show about a Cuban bandleader and a crazy redhead? I don’t. Or maybe I do.” As it turnedout, of course, Don was wrong, sort of. There was no work in New York. Don went through the depression that all artists are subject to — he started frequenting sleazy announcer bars — until he heard about a new TV show just starting up in New York.

[Dissolve to Home Base at NBC’s Saturday Night where a card table has been set up. Superimposed text reads: 1975. Producer Lorne Michaels, wearing one of his trademark reindeer sweaters, sits with Laraine Newman as they audition performers for the show.]

Lorne Michaels: [calls out] Uh, next!

[As Laraine hands Lorne the next performer’s resume, we hear footsteps approach a microphone positioned upstage – it’s the invisible Don Pardo.]

Lorne Michaels: Name, please?

Don Pardo V/O: Don Pardo.

Lorne Michaels: [turns to Laraine] Don Pardo, is he still alive? [Laraine nods] Well, Mr. Pardo, ah, I see you’ve been, uh, working for the phone company, doing some recording. Uh, could you do some of it now for us, please?

Don Pardo V/O: Sure. [in his patented announcer’s voice] At the tone, the time will be five-thirty-six EXACTLY!!! Five-thirty-six and ten seconds!!! Five-thirty–

Lorne Michaels: Fine, fine, fine, fine. Ah, I guess you know, Don, we’re, uh, doing a kind of a young show.

Don Pardo V/O: [sadly] Well, I guess that rules me out.

Lorne Michaels: No, the brass at, uh, NBC is gonna call me crazy but I’m gonna give you a break, old timer. Would you read some of the, uh, names that, uh, that are on that sheet there?

Don Pardo V/O: Mm hmm. [clears throat] HILDA RADAR!!!

Lorne Michaels: Uh… No, no, that’s Gilda Radner.

Don Pardo V/O: Oh. [tries again] CHEVROLET CHASE!!!

Lorne Michaels: [Lorne gives Laraine an uneasy look, then turns to Pardo] Uh, why did you say “Chevrolet Chase”?

Don Pardo V/O: [confused] It’s a comedy show, isn’t it?

Lorne Michaels: Right. Well, thank you! [As we hear Pardo’s footsteps retreat, Lorne turns to Laraine] Got a hunch about him.

[Dissolve back to Danny, laughing hard again.]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: Well, the rest is history. Don Pardo is now enjoying the respect and admiration of a whole new generation of viewers. And tonight, Don Pardo, we salute you! [salutes into the camera]

Don Pardo V/O: Thank you, Dan! I’d like to just say one thing!

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: What’s that, Don?

Don Pardo V/O: We’ll be right black!!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Pilson’s Feed Bag Dinners

…..Chevy Chase
Date…..Jacqueline Carlin

[ open on Chevy Chase exiting his house ]

Chevy Chase: Hi, I’m Chevy Chase! And if you’re skipping meals because you just can’t find the time to eat them, why not try a Pilson’s Feed Bag Dinner? You know, each Pilson’s Feed Bag Dinner has three scrumptious courses – soup, your choice of six exciting entrees, plus a yummy Apple Brown Betty. And it straps right on to your face.

[ enters his car ]

I’m fifteen minutes late for an important date right now, and I just haven’t got time to eat. [ straps on feed bag and begins to chow down ] Mmm-hmm. Tuna. Tastes great already!

[ jingle appears over cuts of various people strapping on their feed bags in unusual places – in the shower, digging a ditch, driving a cab, etc. ]

Jingle: “Eat lunch and run, everyone
Feed your face any place.
Tie one on any place.
With Pilson’s Feed Bag Dinners
you’ve got time to feed your face.”

[ cut to Chevy’s date entering his car ]

Date: Hi, honey! So where are we going to eat?

Chevy Chase: [ turns to face camera and laughs as he points to his feed bag ]

Jingle: Feed Bags, from Pilson’s.

[Audience shot. One guy has a Pilson’s Feedbag Dinner strapped on. His caption reads: NY STATE LOTTERY LOSER]

SNL Transcripts