Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Decibet

Joseph Franklin…..Dan Aykroyd

[ Music Open: bouncy Muzak rendition of “The Alphabet Song” ]

Announcer: And now, Mr. Joseph Franklin of the U.S. Council of Standards and Measures.

Joseph Franklin: Thank you. Tonight I’d like to talk to you about how the new metric system of conversion will affect you. This is one in a series of public reeducation programs designed to make Americans aware of the metric conversion to take place in the next ten years. Most Americans already know that the measurement of miles will be discarded in favor of kilometers – a systme of measurement based on the unit of tens and already in use in most of the world. Few people, however, know about the new metric alphabet: the “Decibet”; “deci” from the Greek “ten”, and “bet” from our own “alphabet”. Let’s take a look, shall we? [ holds up large poster of the Decibet ] Now, isn’t that simple? Only ten letters. Twn fingers.. ten letters.

[ holds flip cards ]

Now, let’s take a look at some specifics.

[ shows Card 1 ] A, B, C, and D: our first and most popular letters will remain the same.

[ shows Card 2 ] E and F, however, will be combined and graphically simplified to make one character.

[ shows Card 3 ] The groupings GHI, and..

[ shows Card 4 ] LMNO will be condensed to single letters. Incidentally, a boon to those who always had trouble pronouncing LMNO correctly.

[ shows Card 5 ] And finally, the so-called “trash letters”, or P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z, will be condensed to this easily recognizable dark character.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten! Now, let’s take a look at how this change will affect our daily speech habits.

[ shows card ] In the EF grouping addition, the word “eagle” would remain basically the same in character, but would be pronounced “efaglef”. However, certain words previously beginning with the letter F, like..

[ shows xard ] ..”fish”, would be pronounced with an additional E sound: this, “efish”. “I caught a big efish.”

[ shows card ] “Goat” would remain “goat”.

[ shows card ] “Hotel” will carry the G letter addition, but as in many words beginning with the GH sound, such as “Ghana”, the G would remain silent; thus, “hotel”. However, words beginning wih I..

[ shows card ] .. as in “industry”, will be pronounced “gindustry”. The meaning will remain the same. LMNO’s grouping is similar.

[ shows card ] “Mucus” will be LMNOucus”.

[ shows card ] “Light” would remain “light”.

[ shows card ] And “open” would then ne “LMNOpen”, as in, “Honey, would you LMNOpen the door?” Finally, the “trash letters”, or the letters from P to Z, would then make a stop sign appear like this: [ holds up stop sign with unintelligble blotch on it ] So there you have it. We hope to eventually establish the Universal Metric Alphabet in America by 1979. Join me next time, when we explore the changes you’ll be seeing in alphabet soup and spelling bee contest rules. But now, let’s sing the old favorite, the childhood “Alphabet Song”, as we will hear it in the future..

[ singing ] “A, B, C, D, EF.. GHI.. J, K, LMNO.. [ blotch ]”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

Great Moments In Herstory

Jane Russell…..Raquel Welch Howard Hguhes…..Dan Aykroyd Skip Dixon…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: [ over title card ] “Great Moments In Herstory”.

[ dissolve to close-up of haystack ]

Female Announcer: [ over text ] “It is the autumn of 1941. Jane Russell is cast in Howard Hughes’ motion picture “The Outlaw.” The mysterious billionaire aviation pioneer proves to her that his skill for design and invention is not only limited to flight aerodynamics.”

[ camera pans over to Jane Russell seated in front of the haystack ]

Jane Russell: Mr. Hughes — Howard — I’ve been waiting three hours and fifteen minutes. If you’re not out here in 10 seconds, you’ll be flying solo tonight!

Voice: Jane! It’s me, Howard. Guess what? Guess what?! Guess what!

Jane Russell: What?!

[ Hughes steps forward ]

Howard Hughes: I’m right here.

Jane Russell: Listen, Boss — you’d better pull this movie together. First you fired the director, hire yourself, then you don’t show up on the set for three weeks. You’re the most unprofessional Texas billionaire I’ve ever met.

Howard Hughes: [ grabbing her waist ] I love you, Jane! I love you! I love you! I have personally attained a land-speed of 565 miles-per-hour. Kiss me, baby!

[ Hughes holds a handkerchief between their lips and kisses Russell, then tosse the handkerchief over his shoulder ]

Jane Russell: Look — I’ve put in a lot of flying time with you, buddy, and you said you’d make me into a big star! Well, I want OUT of this cheap Western!

Howard Hughes: I love you, Jane! And do you know why I love you? I love you because the United States is soon going to be at war with the axis powers, and our love is MUCH more than being able to create a machine gun that can fire 400 rounds of 50-caliber ammunition per second! Ohhh, Jane! Our love is like an industry meeting the needs of war! Sex! War! Sex! War! Sex is what we need to save this picture, Jane!

Jane Russell: Sex? You hermit, I’m Jane Russell! [ she pushes Hughes away ] I’ve got the BEST gazongas in the business!

Howard Hughes: Gazongas. Gazongas! That’s it! A light so powerful, it could deflect off the moon! From relay station to relay station to Earth! Satellites and rockets! Gazongas! Chronic beams bouncing from planet to planet! Gazonga! Gazonga! Our men linked electronically! That’s why I have personally designed a brassiere for you!

Jane Russell: Oh, brother. Well, Boss, I go through bras like you go through socks, so, uh…

Howard Hughes: Well, this one’s going to change the look of women in film, Jane. Skip, bring out the bra! You’re gonna love this one, we’re on our way.

[ Skip wheels out a mechanical bra fitted with propellers ]

Howard Hughes: This is Skip Dixon, my most trusted Mormon welder.

Jane Russell: Howdy.

Howard Hughes: Start it up, Skip!

Skip Dixon: Okay.

[ Skip turns the bra on and the propellers start to spin ]

Howard Hughes: Alright, put it on, honey! [ to Skip ] Cut the motors, cut the motors!

Jane Russell: I can’t wear that thing!

Howard Hughes: Why not? It’s a 72-hour model. Wait’ll you feel the air!

Jane Russell: Well, it hasn’t even been safety-checked yet. My God!

Howard Hughes: Well, then, I’LL put it on! I know this thing is the BEST in its class! I’ve worked DAY and NIGHT to build this thing! Day and night! [ he pulls the bra over his clothes ]

Jane Russell: It needs to be safety-checked, Howard.

Skip Dixon: But, Boss, uh —

Jane Russell: It’s very dangerous, Howard!

Skip Dixon: Uh — uh —

Jane Russell: It could kill us all!

[ Hughes turns the bra on, which causes him to be thrust about the room with the propellers spinning ]

Jane Russell: Oh, my God! Oh!

Skip Dixon: BOSS! BOSS!

Jane Russell: Oh! Oh! Howard!

[ Hughes is wrestled to the ground, as the propellers continue to spin ]

Female Announcer: [ over text ] “Hughes tested the bra unsuccessfully several times. Finally an acceptable model was agreed upon and in 1946 “The Outlaw” was released and Jane Russell became the girl with the golden gazongas.”

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been another “Great Moment in Herstory”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Muppets

…..Raquel Welch
…..Chevy Chase

[ Backstage… Scred and Ploobis sneak in. ]

Scred: C’mon in, chief, the coast is clear.

Ploobis: Rrruhhr? Yeah. Gee, I wonder why they wouldn’t let us in the studio?

Scred: Mmm, I dunno. Probably the guard just didn’t recognize us.

Ploobis: Well, that’s very strange… cause they all know and love us! Everybody loves the Muppets!

Scred: [ unconvinced ] Mmm hmmm.

Ploobis: Here, listen, Scred — [ He grabs Scred by the neck and throttles him ] — We’re loveable! Never forget that, Scred! Mmmrrmm. [ He releases Scred. ]

Scred: Yes, oh affectionate one!

Ploobis: We’ll just have to find somebody and ask ’em when we come in the show, that’s all.

Scred: Hey, here’s somebody now.

[ Guest host Raquel Welch enters. ]

Raquel Welch: Well, hi there! You’re the Muppets, aren’t you?

Ploobis: Uh, yes, yes! That is indeed us, yes.

Raquel Welch: Oh, I always thought you people were so loveable.

Ploobis: Ya hear that, Scred? [ POW! ] That’s true, lady, yeah. We’re known far and wide for being loveable.

Scred: Hey, chief, that lady is Raquel Welch!

[ Ploobis turns and checks her out. ]

Ploobis: Oh… oh, yeah. Well, uh, ahem. Yeah. You sure are Raquel Welch… all over, aren’t you. Ahmmm.

[ Scred strokes her arm. ]

Scred: Feels like Raquel Welch, too!

Raquel Welch: Careful, there.

Ploobis: Uh. You know, uh. Ahem. You know, we Muppets are very, very loveable. I mean. [ He snuggles up to her. ]

Scred: [ whispering in her ear ] Relax, baby. Relax.

Ploobis: You know, as a matter of fact, until you’ve made it with a Muppet, uh…

[ Applause. Raquel laughs. ]

Raquel Welch: Uh, uh… wait a minute, lover. Are you talking about making love to me?

[ Ploobis and Scred giggle. ]

Ploobis: Well, uh… heh heh…

Raquel Welch: Because — you guys are just puppets, right? I mean, you don’t even exist below the waist.

Ploobis & Scred: Uh… well…

[ They look down, nervously. ]

Raquel Welch: I mean, all you are is the top half of a person, right?

Ploobis: Well, uh… yeah, but, uh…

Raquel Welch: So that kind of makes you just a lot of talk. All talk, right?

Scred: Well, I’m pretty good with my hands!

Raquel Welch: I’ve noticed.

[ Chevy Chase enters. ]

Chevy Chase: Uh… I’m sorry, boys. Ploobis, Scred?

Scred: Yeah?

Chevy Chase: You’re not on this week, I’m sorry.

Ploobis: Yeah, but we’re supposed to be… we work this show…

Chevy Chase: Yeah, I know, but I guess you didn’t get the call. I’m sorry, Raquel — is everything okay?

Raquel Welch: Oh, yeah, it’s okay. They’re just all talk anyway.

Ploobis: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Hunnh. I’m leaving!

[ Ploobis exits. ]

Raquel Welch: Awww…

Scred: Oh, uh… I’m sorry about this, Raquel. And, uh, by the way, I just want to apologize for what I said before, because I can see you get hit on all the time.

Raquel Welch: Yeah, but never by a Muppet before.

Scred: Oh, well, if you’d like my number —

[ Chevy grabs Scred’s snout. ]

Chevy Chase: Scred? Scred? You’re not on this week. Okay?

[ He pushes Scred offstage. ]

Chevy Chase: I’m very sorry about that. They didn’t know, nobody gave them the call — I think the bees or the sharks are on, or something’s on, but you’re doing very well so far, everybody loves the show, the song was great, and uh, all I can say is, relax, and, uh, take your shirt off.

Raquel Welch: Well…

Chevy Chase: Well, Raquel, this is your right as an American. You don’t have to. You don’t have to do that.

Raquel Welch: All right. I don’t have to, right?

Chevy Chase: No, you don’t have to.

Raquel Welch: Cause this is a tasteful show with a lot of class, right?… Now, ladies and gentlemen, I am very pleased to introduce to you a lovely lady, in fact, a genius in the world of contemporary music, Miss Phoebe Snow…

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Muppets

[ Backstage, in a cobwebby corridor. Scred and Ploobis enter. ]

Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog! Are you in here anywhere?

[ Just offstage, The Mighty Favog coughs. ]

The Mighty Favog: I’M OVER HEAH!

Scred: He’s over here, chief.

Ploobis: I heard his voice…

Scred: Yeah, yeah. Oh wow!

[ They find The Mighty Favog sitting on a crate, abandoned and covered in cobwebs. ]

Ploobis: Oh! Oh, Mighty Favog!

The Mighty Favog: TALK TA ME.

Ploobis: Listen. Things are in a terrible state?

The Mighty Favog: YER TELLIN’ ME?

Ploobis: Listen. Our land of Gorch is gone forever.

Scred: Yeah, they burned our scenery.

Ploobis: They burned our scenery… we’re no longer booked on the show… and they said, they said we’re puppets, and we don’t even have a lower half. So what do we do?

The Mighty Favog: DON’T LOOK DOWN.

Scred: Ohhh… This is terrible! Our world is coming to an end!

The Mighty Favog: YA WANT YER GOD’S ADVICE?

Ploobis & Scred: Oh, please! Please!

The Mighty Favog: DON’T BEG… MY ADVICE IS —

Ploobis: Yeah?

The Mighty Favog: FORGET IT.

Scred: Huh?

Ploobis: Forget it? What do you mean, forget it?

The Mighty Favog: I MEAN FORGET IT. PACK IT IN. QUIT.

Scred: Oh, no. No, no.

Ploobis: We can’t do that.

The Mighty Favog: SURE YA CAN. LISTEN. YOU’RE ONLY PUPPETS. YOU’RE NOT EVEN REAL. YOU JUST GET PUT AWAY IN THE TRUNK.

Ploobis: Oh! Oh! Scred — I can’t handle this, Scred.

Scred: Oh, Mighty Favog… where’s the trunk.

The Mighty Favog: IT’S RIGHT OVER THERE.

Ploobis: Oh, no! Not the trunk, anything but the trunk!

The Mighty Favog: IT DON’T HURT TO GET IN THE TRUNK. PUPPETS DON’T HAVE FEELINGS.

Ploobis: Oh… do you believe this is really happening?

The Mighty Favog: JUST OPEN IT UP, AND GET RIGHT IN…

Ploobis: It’s latched… just a sec…

[ They try to open a big prop trunk, but they have trouble… ]

The Mighty Favog: YA CAN’T OPEN IT, YOU’RE PUPPETS!

Ploobis: We’ll get it in a minute!

Scred: Just rip it open! You’re strong.

[ They manage to get the trunk open. ]

Scred: Oh, look! Everybody else is already in here! Hiya, Wisss! Haven’t seen you since November.

Ploobis: Oh, look at that.

[ Peuta pops up in the trunk. ]

Peuta: Ploobis! Where have you been?

Ploobis: Oh, it’s been one of those days, Peuta.

Scred: Everybody shove over, we’re comin’ in…

Peuta: Oh! Ploobis! You can’t get in here! There’s no room to breathe!

Ploobis: Peuta… you’re a puppet. You don’t breathe, you’re not alive.

Peuta: What?

Ploobis: Oh, I don’t want to talk about it. Just get down here…

Scred: Oh! Wait a minute, I’m not in yet!

Ploobis: Get in here, Scred… Oh! There’s Vazh… Hi there, Vazh, how are ya…

[ The trunk closes. The Mighty Favog is the only one left. ]

The Mighty Favog: NOW. IF I COULD JUST TALK THE PRODUCER INTO LETTING ME HOST THE SHOW… RAHHHHRRR…

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Claudine Longet Invitational

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Tryman…..Chevy Chase
Jessica Antlerdance…..Jane Curtin

[ This sketch is a parody of Claudine Longet, an actress and singer who began as Andy William’s wholesome wife and later lived a jet-set lifestyle, known for her trips to Cancun hotels and Dominican Republic hotels in the summer, Vale in the winter as well as flings with playboys. ]

Tom Tryman: Good afternoon, this is Tom Tryman!

Jessica Antlerdance: And this is Jessica Antlerdance!

Tom Tryman: And, of course, we’re here in Vale, Colorado, to cover the Claudine Longet Invitational! This is, of course, a men’s freestyle skiing competition!

Jessica Antlerdance: So, without further ado, let’s go to the slopes. Well, we certainly have a beautiful day for it, Tom.

Tom Tryman: Right you are, Jessica. And, of course, first out will be Helmut Kindle. Helmut is a 24-year-old Frenchman – I’m sorry, he’s a West German. And this is his second run of the day, I believe. He had an initial time of 41.8. Looking very good here.

Jessica Antlerdance: That’s right, Tom. But Helmut injured his ankle last month, and that’s bound to affect his performance here today.

Tom Tryman: He caught an edge there, but he seems to be okay, he’s in good shape.. actually, I think he’s a little..

[ a shot rings out, as Helmut falls into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! He seems to have been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet! Yes.. and I’m afraid Helmut Kindle is out of this race!

Jessica Antlerdance: Yes, it’s a shame, but that’s all part of the exciting world of professional skiing, Tom.

Tom Tryman: Well, he definitely seems out of it, Jessica, and I couldn’t agree more. Now, here comes the man to beat — we’re going to be seeing him in a second. Of course, Jean-Paul Baptiste. A 28-year-old civil engineer from Verne, Switzerland. And he’s strong, he’s agile, he’s got a great deal of power, Jessica.

Jessica Antlerdance: He’ll need all the power he’s got on those mobiles, Tom.

Tom Tryman: Look at the way his legs absorb those shocks, as he manuevers his way down this bumpy terrain. There’s a very nice move there, a lot of spring, he’s really playing this hill.

Jessica Antlerdance: It’s easy to see why he won a Bronze Medal in Innsbrook. He’s a strong skiier, and a fierce competitor.

Tom Tryman: Mmm-hmm! Well, I would have to say, it’s a very fast time up to this point. Uh.. he’s doing very well – and there’s a very nice move – uh.. I would say, at this halfway point, he’s gonig to take third, or maybe even a second-place..

[ a shot rings out, as Jean-Paul falls into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he’s been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet!

[ Jean-Paul regains balance on his skis ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Just grazed, I think, Tom..

[ second shot rings, as Jean-Paul falls back into the show ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Oh, no! That one got him, he’s down! No, he’s down this time.. no, no! No, he’s getting up!

[ Jean-Paul continues to ski downhill, albeit a little awkwardly ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in diffivcult situations.

Tom Tryman: I can’t believe he’s going for the finish line.. and –

[ third shot rings out, Jean-Paul is down for good ]

Tom Tryman: Oh, no! Again.. again, he’s been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and, this time, I think he’s down to stay, Jessica.

Jessica Antlerdance: We’re running a little late, Tom, so let’s just cut to a few highlights of this event.

Tom Tryman: Alright, let’s do that.

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Uh.. here, she mistakenly dropped her gun and it went off.

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Uh.. here, she was just showing the gun to a friend.

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Yeah.. I think she was just cleaning her gun here, wasn’t she?

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: And, once again, of course, showing the un to a friend.

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Here, I think she just put the gun down in the snow, and it went off by mistake.

Jessica Antlerdance: That looked almost like skeet shooting!

[ Tom and Jessica laugh playfully ]

Tom Tryman: You must mean ski shooting!

[ Tom and Jessica laugh more sardonically ]

Tom Tryman: Oh, well. This has been Tom Tryman.

Jessica Antlerdance: And Jessica Antlerdance.

Tom Tryman: Here in Vale, Colorado, at the Claudine Longet Invitiational.

Jessica Antlerdance: Ski shooting, that’s very funny! [ laughs ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 8th, 1976

Madeline Kahn

Carly Simon

The Muppets

Gary Weis

Paul Shaffer

Howard Shore

Marilyn suzanne Miller



Season 1: Order Now! Reagan’s HipnessSummary: Ronald Reagan (Chevy Chase) demonstrates his hipness by performing a piano piece and abusing a black musician (Garrett Morris).

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.

Transcript

Montage

Madeline Kahn’s Monologue

Wilderness ComedianSummary: A Las Vegas comedian (John Belushi) performs his act for animals in the wild.

Transcript

Not For Ladies OnlySummary: Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) and Marlene Dietrich (Madeline Kahn) have difficulty understanding each other during an interview.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Transcript

Slumber PartySummary: Girls (Madeline Kahn, Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, Jane Curtain) discuss sex while at a slumber party.

Transcript

Namibia Fondue SetsSummary: African native (Garrett Morris) makes a plea for unwanted fondue sets.

Transcript

The Muppets

“I Feel Pretty”Summary: After being created, the Bride (Madeline Kahn) Of Frankenstein’s Monster sings “I Feel Pretty.”

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) sees nothing wrong with “violins” on television. Chevy Chase repeats the top story for cows.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Super-Absorbent Dry Hose

Carly Simon performs “Half a Chance” & “You’re So Vain”Note: Because Carly Simon was too shy to perform in front of a live audience, her musical appearance was pre-taped.

Note: One of the members of Carly Simon’s band was unable to perform, so Chevy Chase grabbed a cowbell and took his place.

Final DaysSummary: Pat Nixon’s (Madeline Kahn) diary entries chronicle Richard’s (Dan Aykroyd) last days in office.

Recurring Characters: Pat Nixon, Richard Nixon, Julie Eisenhower, David Eisenhower, Henry Kissinger.

Note: The photo of Abraham Lincoln calls Richard Nixon a “dip” in the sketch, though, in the original script, he was to use the word “schmuck”, which was censored because it was believed the viewing public associated the word with penis.

Transcript

Gary Weis FilmSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Ray Charles’ “New York’s My Home” accompanies footage of sports fans around the city.

Chinatown

Imitations By KahnSummary: Madeline Kahn and Gilda Radner perform odd imitations.

Madeline Kahn performs “Lost In The Stars”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Samurai Divorce Court

Divorce Lawyer…..Peter Boyle
Futaba…..John Belushi
Mrs. Futaba…..Jane Curtin
Bingo…..Jenny Shapiro

[ open on interior, Divorce Lawyer’s office. He sits solemnly at his desk as he speaks into the intercom. ]

Divorce Lawyer: Miss Kaufman, I’m ready to review the next case. That would be Futaba vs. Futaba. Would you send them in, please?

[ Futaba and Mrs. Futaba quietly enter the office, dressed in their kimonas and gripping their swords at their sides ]

Announcer: And now.. another episode from “Samurai Divorce Court.”

[ title card: “Samurai Divorce Court” ]

Divorce Lawyer: Will you both be seated, please?

[ the Futabas mumble in Japanese grunts as they take their seat in front of the Divorce Lawyer’s desk ]

Divorce Lawyer: Now.. the two of you have been legally separated for one year. And, you know, it always gives me greater satisfaction to see couples who truly care for each other reunite, rather than break up.

[ the Futabas grunt in silent agreement ]

Divorce Lawyer: Yeah. Yeah, I trust that the time that you’ve spent apart has given you an opportunity to, uh.. rekindle the deep affection that obviously exists between the two of you.

[ with that sentiment expressed, the Futabas stand and thrust their samurai swords at one another with a piercing scream. They hold their stance for a moment, then return their swords to their sides and take their seats once again. Futaba makes sure to get the last grunt in. ]

Divorce Lawyer: You know, uh, sometimes marital difficulty is just a, a simple lack of communication.

[ the Futabas grunt angrily at one another ]

Divorce Lawyer: [ to Mrs. Futaba ] Now, you have, uh.. charged him with mental anguish.

[ Mrs. Futaba stands, extends her hands to the Divorce Lawyer, them pounds her fists against her forehead ]

Divorce Lawyer: And, you, Mr. Futaba want a divorce on the grounds of, uh..?

[ Futaba slips his sword out of its case in a coital fashion and promptly slides it back in. Mrs. Futaba screams at him. ]

Divorce Lawyer: Adultery. Adultery. Adultery. Okay. Okay. Now.. I’m gonna say something: after 35 years on the bench, uh, I’ve seen many cases. I think, for the first time, I’m gonna deny this divorce. Because, I think, I don’t want to see the two of you break up.

[ the Futabas jump to their feet and swing their swords to the Divorce Lawyer’s head with primal screams ]

Divorce Lawyer: But.. on the other hand, I won’t. You can have the divorce. Alright, alright.

[ the Futabas return to their seats ]

Divorce Lawyer: Maybe not. Okay. Now, as far as the division of possessions goes – Mrs. Futaba, you have been awarded the car and the house. [ Mrs. Futaba nods ] While, you, sir, have been awarded the boat and Mr. Coffee machine. [ Futaba nods ] Does that suit you both?

[ the Futabas grunt in agreement ]

Divorce Lawyer: Okay. Now, uh.. there are a few items that have not been appropriated yet, so, uh.. [ picks up concertina from desk ] First of all, we have this concertina, that’s, uh, worth quite a fortune because it’s being an old heirloom, and things like that. Now, uh.. have you decided who’s going to get this?

[ both Futabas want the concertina, and neither one’s going to let the other have it without a fight. They stand to scream at one another, until, finally, Mrs. Futaba picks it up and Futaba slices it in half with his sword. Satisfied, they each take their half of the concertina. ]

Divorce Lawyer: Oh. Very good, very good. Very well. [ tugs at a rare piece of art istting on his desk ] Now, this rare piece of art, which is, also in itself, priceless. Have you made a decision on that?

[ of course, neither Futaba will give the piece of art up without a fight, either. Futaba grabs it, swings a drumstick at it twice, then splits it in half by thrusting it at his forehead. Satisfied, they each take their half of the piece of art. ]

Divorce Lawyer: Now, uh.. this breaks my heart, because, uh, life is a compromise, and the two of you exemplify that quite beautifully and unusually.

[ both Futabas are flattered by the statement ]

Divorce Lawyer: Anyway.. we have, through the court, liquidated your mutual assets, and.. here is a check for both of you. [ drops the check on the middle of his desk ]

[ both Futabas lunge for the check, Futaba drawing his sword as Mrs. Futaba holds up her hand ]

Mrs. Futaba: [ diverts her husband’s attention toward the window ] Rook! Godzilla! [ Futaba looks ] Godzilla!

Futaba: [ frantic ] Godzilla?! [ runs to the window, holding his sword menacingly ]

[ Mrs. Futaba draws her sword, and takes two swipes at the check as she cracks the desk in half and sends everything on top of it to the floor. The Divorce Lawyer spins in his swivel chair as he reels in the excitement. The Futabas again take their seats. ]

Divorce Lawyer: [ sighs heavily ] Well, now comes the part that’s, understandable, the hardest. The decision as to who gets the custody of your daughter, Bingo.

[ the Futabas stand with worry, chanting “Bingo! Oh, Bingo, no!” ]

Divorce Lawyer: [ picks up his intercom from the floor ] Miss Kaufman, will you send in the girl, please? [ drops the intercom back to the floor ]

[ the Futabas pace the room, as Bingo rushes in and embraces each of them ]

Bingo: Mama-san! Papa-san!

[ Mr. and Mrs. Futaba each grab one of Bingo’s arms and attempt to pull her closer to themselves ]

Divorce Lawyer: [ walks towards them ] I realize this is a very, very, very hard decision —

[ Futaba draws his sword, and prepares to slice Bingo down the middle, so each parent will have a half. Mrs. Futaba stops him, pointing out that it would be more logical to split Bingo length-wise. With that, Futaba picks Bingo up, lays her across a bookcase along the back wall, then raises his sword high in the air with a loud scream, as the actors in the sketch freeze their actions. ]

[ title card: “Samurai Divorce Court” ]

Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of “Samurai Divorce Court.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Jason & Chloe’s Slideshow

Jason…..Dan Aykroyd
Chloe…..Laraine Newman
Bob…..Peter Boyle
Chinese food delivery boy on slide…..Akira Yoshimura

[ open on interior, Jason and Chloe’s apartment — Chloe meditates on a corner swing as Jason occupies himself at the coffee table. Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” plays in the background. ]

[ the doorbell rings; Jason turns down the stereo and answers the door ]

Bob: [ enters ] Hey, kids — I’m sorry to barge in like this, but, uh, I think I must have gotten another one of your packages by mistake, you know? This is something from the [ reading: ] “Mountain Snow Baby Powder Company in Bolivia”.

Jason: [ half freaking ] That’s mine, man.

Bob: I never knew Bolivia exported baby powder.

Jason: Ohhhh yeah, man — they have a big mail-order business in, like, baby powder and talc, you know?

Bob: Oh. Well, what the heck! Why not just buy it at the corner drugstore?

Jason: Ohhh… well, like… you know, I have this, uh, rash — you know, I’m allergic? I need this special Bolivian baby powder, like, I have to order it special.

Bob: Well, I always figured it might be yours because, you know, last week, that mix-up with the Afghani Astroturf?

Jason: It’s like a, you know, sort of organic turf, like, you can only order in Afghanistan!

Bob: Right… right. Well, you explained last time about your, uh, organic miniature golf course.

Jason: You should try it out sometime — [ he reaches for his package ] I’ll — I’ll take the package…

Bob: Well, look — maybe I should really check this with the Super because it’s only addressed to the Occupant.

Jason: Yeah, th-that’s cool. It’s me, man. It’s cool. [ he grabs the package ]

Bob: Sure, sure, you are the Occupant.

Jason: Chloe! Chloe! [ he acknowledges Chloe on the swing ] She’s meditating, man.

Bob: Oh.

Jason: Chloe! [ Chloe opens her eyes ] Snow White’s back in town.

Chloe: Far out! [ she climbs out of her swing ]

Bob: Hi! I’m Bob.

Chloe: Oh! Far out! Wow! Like, deja vu! Don’t I know you from another lifetime?

Bob: I think you know me from just across the hall.

Chloe: Ohhh! Far out!

[ Jason is now tinkering with a slide projector ]

Jason: Hey, man — you’re just in to catch the slides of our trip.

Bob: Oh. Where did you go?

[ Chloe dims the lights ]

Chloe: Innerspace, Bob!

[ Chloe pushes Bob down onto the couch with them ]

Bob: Oh.

Jason: We dropped some acid, man.

Bob: Oh… well, it’ll probably turn up somewhere. Hey, I can’t stay long, though, you know? I’m gonna taken the wife and kids to see “The Wildnerness Family”.

Jason: Oh… wow.

Bob: It’s a heck of a thing, timber wolves and everything…

Jason: If you’re, uh, into visuals, man, you’re really gonna dig these slides.

Bob: O-kay…

[ first slide: close-up of Chloe drinking water ]

Chloe: Oh, wow! That’s me drinking water!

[ next slide: close-up of record ]

Jason: “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”, man! The greatest record EVER made!

Bob: It even looks great!

Jason: Yeah!

[ next slide: close-up of Chloe’s hand on a windowpane ]

Chloe: Ohhh! This is me with my hand on the windowpane? Like, I could really feellll the window’s paaaane. Ohhhh.

[ next slide: Jason’s shoe ]

Jason: Dig this, man! Inside my shoe, my foot is, like, evolving from webbed to furry to hooved to cloven, man!

[ next slide: Jason’s bare foot ]

Jason: But, like, you know — I couldn’t get my shoe off in time to see it, you know? It evolved back into a man’s foot.

Bob: Oh. I know how you feel — I had my back go out on me last Tuesday. Oh, boy.

[ next slide: close-up of Jason’s nipple ]

Jason: [ proudly ] That’s mine!

[ next slide: Chinese food delivery boy ]

Chloe: Ohhh! That’s the Chinese food delivery boy! He really blew me away!

[ next slide: inside of empty Chinese food carton ]

Jason: That’s the Moo Goo Gai Pan carton, man! I gazed in there, you know, and I saw Confucuius and Buddha, man…

Chloe: I saw Mao… and Tao… and Lao. What do you see?

Bob: Oh, I don’t know? How about Huey, Dewey, and Louie? [ he cracks himself up laughing ]

[ next slide: a chocolate cake ]

Chloe: Ohh! That’s the cake I made for a picnic in the park! It was raining, so we left it out on the fire escape.

Jason: We watched it melt for hours, all the sweet cream icing flowing down.

Chloe: I really — I didn’t think I could TAKE it!

Jason: It took SO long to BAKE it, man.

Chloe: And I’ll never have that recipe again.

Bob: Oh, no! Aw, that’s too bad.

[ next slide: Jason rushing ]

Chloe: Oh, that’s Jason rushing, man.

[ next slide: Chloe peaking ]

Jason: Chloe peaking, man.

[ next slide: Jason freaking ]

Chloe: And that’s Jason FREAKING! Ohhhh!

[ next slide: Chloe coming down ]

Jason: Chloe coming down. Man, this trip, you know, really really tripped me. It was the first time I dug rapping with her, you know, as much as I did, you know, making it with her, you know?

Chloe: [ touched ] That’s really beautiful.

[ next slide: close-up of telephone }

[ sound effect: telephone ringing ]

Chloe: MIND-BLOWER!! Like, that picture’s so super-real! I can hear it RINGING!!

Jason: I can hear it, too! What a FLASH!

Bob: Oh, hey — the phone IS ringing!

Jason: Oh. Far out! [ he answers the phone ] Hello? Dog Head! Yeah! Uh… Blizzard in Bolivia. Lights flurries with a nasal mist, man. [ Bob leans in ] It’s not cool now, man. I’ll talk later. [ he hangs up ]

Bob: Oh, hey! [ he laughs ] I gotta run! [ he stands ] The movie… the wife… [ he rushes toward the door ]

Chloe: [ leans up to Bob’s shoulder ] Oh, say, Bob, by the way… are you into the number Three or anything?

Bob: [ uncomfortable ] Oh, the wife… I-I-I-I gotta go meet the wife.

Chloe: Hey, the number Four’s groovy with me, too!

Bob: [ desperate to leave ] Well, hey — we’ll have lunch sometime! We’ll go down to get some burgers! Okay?

Jason: Oh, say, that reminds me, Bob — uh, I’m expecting this package, you know? Like, it’s from Nepal. It’s fudge, from Nepal.

Bob: Ohhh, oh! Reefer fudge! I’d LOVE a taste!

Jason: It’s a special Nepalese fudge — you know, no calories, man?

Bob: Count me in!

Jason: Oh, okay. No problem. You just drop it over if it comes to your place.

Bob: Oh, anyway, I hate to rush — nice slideshow, wonderful —

Chloe: Oh, Bob, tell me one more thing: like, are you ever home during the day?

Bob: W-well… when my work allows it. You see, I’m a prole officer.

Jason: [ jumpy, thrusts his package into Bob’s arms ] Uh, would you take this down to the Super, man?! Okay? Thanks a lot!

[ they shove Bob into the hall and slam the door ]

Jason: Wow. I could use a stiff drink.

Chloe: Really, fer sure.

[ pull out to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Midget Whales” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Garrett Morris
…..Laraine Newman
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] No. No, that’s the Butterfly Kiss, with the eyelashes. Butterfly Flick is — [ he sees the camera and quickly hangs up ] I gotta go!

Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and you — you are nothing.

Well, the big story tonight is, of course, that it’s St. Valentine’s Day. President Ford celebrated at the White House with the First Family by trimming the tree, hunting for eggs, vetoing a $6.1 billion Public Works employment bill, calling it: “An election year pork barrel” to the confusion of everyone.

Patricia Hearst told her jurors and the world the detailed story of her capture and the torture by the Symbionese Liberation Army. Rhonda Coulet reports from San Francisco.

[ “Artist’s Rendering” footage of classic paintings are revealed throughout the report ]

Rhonda Coluet V/O: The jury in the bank robbery trial of Patricia Hearst heard for the first time today details of her kidnapping from her own lips. The 21-year old heiress described how her apartment was broken in, and she was dragged, bound and gagged, to a waiting vehicle while her boyfriend, Steven Weed, was beaten. The stunned courtroom listened as the defendent tearfully described a nightmare in which she was locked in a closet for more than a month, and was told by SNA leader, Donald DeFreeze: “You’d better be quiet before we blow your head off!” if she didn’t make the tapes he asked for. With customary perfect timing, defense counsel F. Lee Bailey called her to the stand late Friday, and sent her jurors back to a sequestered hotel for a long weekend to ponder the sight and sound of a weakened Patricia Hearst.

[ camera pull out on the “Artist’s Renderings” to reveal Chevy Chase speaking as he holds his nose ]

Chevy Chase: This is Rhonda Coulet reporting. [ he removes his hand from his nose and looks embarrassed to have been revealed ]

Along with millions of other Americans, President Ford watched the Olympics last night and saw Dorothy Hamill of the United States win a gold medal. She leaped into a delayed axle, a wally jump into a double axle, a double toe loop, a camel spin, a double lutz into a backspiral, a double axle, a double sowcow, a split, a double toe loop, and a butterfly, a laidback spin, and delayed double sowcow, a bower spiral into a double lutz, a wally, finally, a split and a camel spin into a split spin, with a spin coming up. The President was heard to respond: Big deal, I did that getting out of my car this morning.”

Chevy Chase: This bulletin just in, from Innsbruck, Austria. For a live on-the-spot report, let’s go now to site of the 1976 Winter Olympics and Update sports reporter Garrett Morris. Garrett? [ the camera holds on Chevy ] Garrett?

Garrett Morris V/O: [ off-camera ] Uh — I’m trying to get in now, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: We’re trying to GET to Garrett Morris, who’s now LIVE at Innsbruck! Garrett?

[ no response, so Chevy picks up his phone to call Garrett, who finally shows up on the monitor behind him ]

Garrett Morris: [ with a blank blue canvas behind him ] Uh — well! The big story here, of course, is the downhill, Chevy. Uh, there is certainly plenty of snow. The temperature is brisk, though not painfully cold, and, all in all, the weather seems ideal. Yet, somehow mysteriously, a pall hangs over the hill here. Uh, there is an emptiness, there is an air about us here that people here are afraid of it. Uncannily, and certainly unaccountably, there are no crowds here. There are no throngs of thousands lining up the slope waiting for that record-breaking 144. And, Chevy, even MORE omninous and inexplicable, the athletes themselves seem to be shying away from the death-defying thrills which are the hallmark of this incredible downhill behind me. Strange, but true. Uh, this is Garrett Morris at Innsbruck.

Chevy Chase: Uh, Garrett? Garrett, can you hear me?

Garrett Morris: Uh — yes. Uh — reading you loud and clear, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Well, now, Garrett, I may be mistaken, but weren’t the finals in the downhill over just a little bit earlier in the week.

Garrett Morris: Uh — I’ll check on that, Chevy. It’s an interesting point.

Chevy Chase: And, Garrett, were not the entire Olympic games, in fact, over with yesterday, Friday the 13th?

Garrett Morris: Another possibility. I’ll check on that, too.

Chevy Chase: I think that might account for the scarcity of spectators and athletes there. Wouldn’t you say that, Garrett?

Garrett Morris: [ defensively ] Hey, man, what do you wane me to do, baby? Man, what do I know about skiing and snow, Chevy? I could have been covering the Globetrotters in Angola, honky! You know? You and them jive mothers sent me to this, uh, Eskimo club, man! I told you I like warm weather!

Chevy Chase: [ whistling nervously ] Garrett Morris, reporting from Innsbruck!

Garrett Morris: And I’m gonna —

Chevy Chase: CIA Director George Bush has denied reports that the CIA actually planned the recent earthqake in Guatamala, in an attempt to assassinate 18,000 dictators.

Ronald Reagan stated today that he has been wrongly maligned by the press, and the subject of libelous ridicule and gratuitious disrespect by television newsmen. The washed-up, 65-year old ex-actor, who looks almost too pretty for a man his age, and who was bland, at best, in some of the most violent, sexist movies ever made, complained of unfair treatment at a news conference, in which our sources report him as saying: “TV newsmen, in particular, make me out to be simply ignorant on foreign affairs and fiscal matters, and a facetious cowpoke as a public leader.” The silly ex-governor led the news conference early to get fitted for spurs and have his hair polyurethaned.

Michael Corvin, the 20-year old man who thrust a toy pistol at Reagan last November, was indicted by a federal grand jury upon examination of Corvin’s diary, in which he repeatedly scrawled the slogan: “Squirt the pig!”

Chevy Chase: Let’s go live now to the Blaine Hotel… and Laraine Newman. Laraine?

[ Laraine Newman appears on the monitor above Chevy’s shoulder ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, I’m standing outside a room on the second floor of the Blaine Hotel. which is now the residence of a Mr. Raoul Santiago, producer of snuff films. I’ve been speaking to him with regard to the rumors that his company’s films depict, not only pornographic activities, but actual murders of unfortunate prostitutes. He has assured me that he has no idea how these stories originated, and in reality he produces films of surgical and autopsy techniques for South American medical students utilizing nude magicians’ asssistants. When asked why he chose to title his company “Snuff Films”, he explained, simply, that Snuffy is the name of his golden retriever puppy who often appears in some of the films.

[ a gunshot is heard in the background ]

Director’s Voice: Cut! Print it!

Laraine Newman: Well, I see that my time is just about up! I’ll be speaking further with Mr. Santiago about his plans for the future, and, who knows, perhaps even a screen test. This has been Laraine Newman. Back to you, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Still to come: Is America a CIA front? After this filmed message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun ]

[ return on Blaine Hotel product slide ]

Announcer: Guests on “NBC’s Saturday Night” stay at the fabulous Blaine Hotel. The Blaine. A tradition for more than half a century.

[ dissolve back to Chevy Chase at the newsdesk ]

Chevy Chase: President Ford, reviewing his December visit to Peking, says he isn’t sure he ever met China’s new Premier Hua Guofeng [ he smiles ] And, coincidentally, in Peking, Guofeng is quoting as saying he isn’t sure he ever met Gerald Ford, stating — adding — “All those presidents look alike to me.”

Well, however, in the spirit of Washington’s birthday, Ford remarked that the United States formally forgives the Chinese for Pearl Harbor. [ Chevy rolls his eyes ]

Chevy Chase: Recognizing our obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials, Weekend Update welcomes Miss Emily Litella with an editorial reply. Welcome.

Emily Litella: I believe the American people are pouring too much money… into CANKER… research! Now, how much can you learn about a little tiny sore inside your face?! Why, JUST the other day… a lovely lady came to my door and asked me to donate money to the American CANKER Society! But I said, “Goodness gracious, NO!!” I’m saving up my money for more important diseases! Mind you, Cankers can be nasty little buggers! But they don’t KILL you! Now, my cousin Mildred used to get them all the time! On the inside of her lip. And it hurt like HELL when she ate grapefruit! So I told her, “Mildred! Don’t eat grapefruit!” And it didn’t cost her a cent! Why waste your money, America? CANKERS can be beaten! Don’t eat grapefruit! [ she pounds the desk ] And if you DO have cankers… don’t put your fingers in your mouth, and don’t keep fiddling around with them!

Chevy Chase: Excuse me, Miss Litella? Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: What?! What?

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella, I’m sorry. That’s… cancer. The editorial was in favor of money provided for cancer research. Not — not canker sores.

Emily Litella: Oh! Well, that’s very necessary.

Chevy Chase: Yes, it is.

Emily Litella: [ she turns to the camera ] Never mind.

Chevy Chase: Well, to date, very little has been discovered by Weekend Update scientists, showing that the smoking of marijuana is harmful in any way. White rabbits, forced to roll and smoke 87 joints a day, are encouraged not to operate heavy machinery or drive on the freeways.

A reminder: That research laboratory address, where viewers can send any suspicious cannabis, is [ with SUPER ] “Research”. That’s “Research, in care of Chevy Chase, Apt. 12 827 W. 81st Street, New York City.”

Our final note this Valentine evening, concerns the birth of a baby sandpiper at the Washington Zoo. It’s the first such birth in captivity on record. The baby ird made its debut at 9:14 this morning, weighing in at just under 14 grams, and, according to zoo officials, resembled its mother quite closely. The name given our fuzzy little friend? Simply, “Cupid”. One humorous note: The bird was stepped on and crushed to death this afternono by “Goggles”, the baby hippo born in captivity last Wednesday.

Chevy Chase: Well, that’s the news this evening. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

Roger…..Dan Aykroyd
Laraine…..Laraine Newman
Owner, Steve Bushakis…..John Belushi
Jimmy…..Chevy Chase

[ open on interior, swanky underground restaurant, as a man and a woman enter from the ground floor and come down the stairs. The brass sounds of “Chicago” can be heard in the background. ]

[ SUPER: “Chicago – 1929” ]

[ SUPER: “St. Valentine’s Day” ]

[ the man and the woman pass another man and woman, Roger and Laraine, at a table. The camera locks on this second couple as they eat. ]

Laraine: Oh, Roger, what a lovely restaurant. I mean, the decor, the ambience, the food, and that wonderful man, Mr. Bushakis, the owner. He’s so nice.

Roger: Mmm-hmm, yes. And the location, too. You know, one would never expect to find such a, a quaint place right in the middle of the garage and warehouse district of Chicago.

Laraine: Darling, was it snowing when we came in here?

Roger: Uh.. I don’t know. I should move the car into a garage, though. I’m sorry.

Laraine: Oh, no, no, please, darling. There’s free indoor parking, why don’t you ask the owner?

Roger: Nonsense! I can do it myself. [ he stands ]

Laraine: But your musaka will get cold.

[ the owner suddenly appears at their table ]

Owner: Can I help ya’s?

Roger: Uh, yes. Uh.. we were wondering – since it’s snowing, i-i-if you could, uh, move our car into your indoor parking facility?

Owner: Of course! We can use our garage next door – it’s heated. [ looks off screen and raises his hand ] Jimmy! Jimmy! Come over here!

[ Jimmy the waiter appears ]

Roger: [ hands the owner his keys ] It’s the green Pierce Arrow sedan.

Owner: Alright. [ hands the keys to Jimmy ] Take these keys, park the car next door in the garage – the indoor garage on North Park Street – bring back the keys to the nice man.

Jimmy: Indoor garage. Bring the keys back.

Owner: Right. Bring the keys back, he will take good care of you.

[ Jimmy runs upstairs ]

Owner: [ to Roger ] How’s the octopus – good?

Roger: Very, very good, thank you.

[ moving on, as he continues his round around the restaurant ] How about you? Everything alright here?

[ we stay with Roger and Laraine ]

Roger: You know, there’s an interesting legend about St. Valentine’s Day. 300 monks hiding in the caves of northern Gaul, in the year 963. The story has it – the legend has it – that —

[ Roger’s story is drowned out all of a sudden by the sound of machine gunfire coming from outside ]

Laraine: You know, darling, I really think we should get that muffler fixed.

Roger: Yes. You’re right. [ he attempts to continue his story over the loud machine gunfire ]

[ suddenly, Jimmy re-appears at the top of the stairs, his white coat filled with ullets and dripping of blood. He tumbles down the stairs and flips over the railing, crashing onto a food cart. He stumbles to his feet, only to flip over Roger and Laraine’s table, sending himself and all their food from the table onto the floor, as he lands flat on his back. ]

Roger: Thank you.

[ Jimmy rises, and looks straight into the camera ]

Jimmy: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts