Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Andy Kaufman

… Jill Clayburgh
… Andy Kaufman

[Host Jill Clayburgh stands at Home Base, in front ofa red curtain, and speaks into a microphone atop amike stand at center stage.]

Jill Clayburgh: Well, our next guest has beenon the show several times and, for what he’s doingtonight, he needs four people, uh, volunteers from theaudience. And I’m gonna choose them. Don’t all raiseyour hands at once. Let’s see now, there’s– Ohhhh.[nervous laughter from audience, Clayburgh points intothe crowd] You! You have been chosen. Come on up. [oneby one, chosen audience members walk on stage andstand with Clayburgh] And what about you? Would youlike to do it? Come on. Yeah, yeah. Just come standover here and be ready for anything and– it’ll bepainless. And, let’s see, uh, would you like to be on?Yeah, come on up. And, uh, oh, I think I’ll pick agirl. Oh! I saw you looking away. Come on. Okay.[arranges the volunteers in a line] Oh, here, now, youstand – you stand here — I know about this — boy,girl, boy, girl. You, you stand here. [the fourvolunteers, two men and two women, all young people,are lined up across the stage, with three on one sideof the microphone stand and one on the other] And Ithink that’s it. Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Kaufman.

[Clayburgh leads the applause for Kaufman who enterswearing sneakers, a dark suit, with a blue shirt andnecktie, and a farmer’s straw hat. Clayburgh exits asKaufman stands at his portable phonograph, sitting ona table at one side of the stage. He puts the needleon the record: a children’s 78 rpm disc from the PeterPan Records label featuring Billy Williams and HisCowboy Rangers singing “Oh, Susanna” on one side and”Old MacDonald” on the other. Kaufman moves to themike stand as the scratchy record revolves andlip-syncs to the singer, Mr. Billy, much to theamusement of the audience and the volunteers lined upbehind him.]

Mr. Billy: [sings] Old MacDonald had a farmE-I-E-I-O!

[Kaufman raises his arm grandly on the final”E-I-E-I-O!” To the sound of a trotting horse, Kaufmantrots in place and turns to face the pleasingly plumpgirl who stands alone on one side of the mike stand.]

Mr. Billy: Whoa!

[Kaufman stops lip-synching and acts as if the plumpgirl is “Little Tex” and speaks to him. The plump girljust stands there grinning as Kaufman looks ather.]

Little Tex: Whoa! Oh, I like that song, Mr.Billy. Let’s all it sing it, shall we?

[Kaufman lip-syncs as if speaking to the plumpgirl.]

Mr. Billy: All right, Little Tex. [Kaufmanturns to the other volunteers and lip-syncs] Are youready, boys? [Kaufman bobs up and down, lip-synchingat the microphone as Mr. Billy sings the firstverse:]
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-O
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O

[Kaufman steps away from the mike as he finishes theverse (as always, raising his arm grandly on the final”E-I-E-I-O!”) and turns to the plump girl, leading herup to the mike.]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] All right, Little Tex. It’syour turn.

[After a moment of surprise, the plump girl gamelythrows herself into lip-synching the next verse asLittle Tex sings:]

Little Tex:
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some ducks, E-I-E-I-O[audience applauds her]
With a quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack

[Kaufman smoothly glides in front of the plump girl topick up the next part to much applause from thecrowd.]

Mr. Billy:
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O

[Kaufman again raises his arm grandly on the final”E-I-E-I-O!” – and then guides the next volunteer inline — a thin, bespectacled guy — up to the mike andlip-synchs to him.]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] Well, I guess you’re next,Joe.

[Bespectacled guy lip-synchs along with the record asa goofy “hick” voice sings:]

Joe:
Well, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some turkeys, E-I-E-I-O
With a gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there
And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere agobble-gobble

[Kaufman pushes the bespectacled guy away and pullsthe plump girl to the mike where she animatedlylip-synchs her part:]

Little Tex:
Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack

[Kaufman glides in and lip-synchs his verse to moreapplause as the plump girl cracks up laughing behindhim.]

Mr. Billy: With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O

[Kaufman leads a thin girl to the mike and lip-synchsto her:]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] Now, it’s your turn,Eddie.

[Thin girl lip-synchs her verse to a deep masculinevoice:]

Eddie:
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some pigs, E-I-E-I-O
With a oink-oink here and a oink-oink there
Here an oink there an oink, everywhere aoink-oink

[Thin girl, nearly breaking up with laughter, ispushed away by Kaufman who guides the bespectacled guyto the mike to lip-sync his part:]

Joe:
Gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there
And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere agobble-gobble

[Bespectacled guy almost retreats too early andKaufman has to drag him back toward the mike and thenpush him away to make room for the plump girl whoneeds little coaxing to do her verse:]

Little Tex:
Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack

[Applause for her enthusiastic effort as Kaufmanglides in again:]

Mr. Billy:
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O

[By now, all the volunteers are grinning and clearlyhaving a good time. The final volunteer, a dark-hairedguy, moves to the mike with no prompting, thoughKaufman lip-synchs to him:]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] Now, what do you have tosay, Gabe?

[Dark-haired guy at the mike does a serviceablejob:]

Gabe:
Well, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had a cow, E-I-E-I-O
With a moo-moo here and a moo-moo there
Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere amoo-moo

[Dark-haired guy withdraws as Kaufman drags in thethin girl:]

Eddie:
Oink-oink here and a oink-oink there
Here an oink there an oink, everywhere aoink-oink

[Thin girl looks quizzically at Kaufman for approvaland retreats as he guides the bespectacled guy, whohas already started lip-synching, to themike:]

Joe:
Gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there
And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere agobble-gobble

[Bespectacled guy gets some applause but forgets to dothe last part of his last line. Kaufman sends in theplump girl who gets another round of applause for herspirited performance:]

Little Tex:
Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack

[Kaufman glides in for the last time:]

Mr. Billy:
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
[By now the audience is clapping along with thesong]
Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O

[Song ends. Much applause which drowns out a moment ofthe record and also Jill Clayburgh who returns tothank the volunteers. Kaufman waves to the audienceand lip-synchs the following:]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] I’ll see you later, cowboysand cowgirls!

[Applause continues as the volunteers return to theirseats and Kaufman and Clayburgh exit the stage inopposite directions, trotting, to the sound of hoofbeats from the end of the record. Pull back a littleand fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Jill Clayburgh’s Monologue

… Don Pardo
… Jill Clayburgh

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Jill Clayburgh!

Jill Clayburgh: Hi. Thank you! Thank you! Well, I’mreally happy to be tonight’s host. You know, I didn’tknow how to prepare for it. I mean, it’s livetelevision and most of the people connected with theshow are, uh, well, they’re my age and they don’t knowmuch more than I do about it. So I did, uh, well, itseemed to be the most sensible thing. I went right tothe one person who’s connected with the show who has,well, he has more experience in live television thananybody. He’s a wonderful gentlemen and his name isDon Pardo. [Applause.] And, uh … uh, you know, hewas the announcer on “Jeopardy!” and lots of otherprograms like that and I – I asked him to help me andoh, well, he couldn’t do enough. And the thing abouthim is that he’s not what you’d expect a game showannouncer to be. I mean, he has a really culturedbackground and, well, I had quite an evening with him.First, Don picked me up in his car.

Don Pardo: Not just any car, Jill! [dissolve to imageof an antique luxury car] That was a 1936 model [?]Coupe de Ville! Just one of the many antiqueautomobiles from the Don Pardo Classic Car Collection,silver-trimmed for comfort, taste and a smooth andeasy ride. Chicago six-oh-six-oh-eight! Jill? [cutback to Jill]

Jill Clayburgh: Yeah. Well, after he picked me up, uh,we took a drive to Don’s home. Oh, what a nice house.

Don Pardo: Jill, that’s the magnificent Pardo Manor inupstate New York, [dissolve to image of a hugemansion] thirty-six rooms of custom-designed FrenchNormandie elegance, one of the many of the Don Pardoassortment of fine homes. Chicago six-oh-six-oh-eight!Jill? [cut back to Jill]

Jill Clayburgh: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice house. Well, wewent inside and, oh, I saw all these wonderful worksof art. And I remember there was this one beautifulprint in particular–

Don Pardo: A print, Jill? Look again! [dissolve toimage of a painting] That’s an original Cezanne, his”Still Life with Plaster,” just one in the collectionof the Don Pardo French Masters Series. Chicagosix-oh-six-oh-eight! Jill? [cut back to Jill]

Jill Clayburgh: Well, after we dined, we discussed theshow and I met one of his sons.

Don Pardo: Not just any son, Jill, but young Don Pardothe Third! [dissolve to a photo of a young boy inriding clothes, holding a pony by the reins] Sevenyears of exciting life has been all his, educated atfine New York private schools and he’ll go on to suchschools as Andover, Harvard and Yale graduate school!Don is one of a set of five matching children from theDon Pardo Collection of Fine Youngsters! Chicagosix-oh-six-oh-eight! Jill? [cut back to Jill]

Jill Clayburgh: Yeah. You see what I mean? I mean, howmuch you can learn from a real pro? You know, that’sreally gonna help me. Thanks, Don!

Don Pardo: You’re welcome, Jill!

Jill Clayburgh: Well, we’ll be right back.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

The Mr. Bill Show

…..Dan Aykroyd

Dan Aykroyd: [ standing stiffly ] Hi, my name’s Danny. What’s yours? Uh…about home movies. You send them in and we play em. No pay, just play. Uh, the home movie this week is by Walter Williams.

(some applause is heard. fade out)

(cut to the home movie of a curtain titled, the Mr. Bill show.)

Mr. Hands: It’s the Mr. Bill Holiday Special! And wait, I hear Mr. Bill coming right now. (curtain slowlyrises to reveal Mr. Bill, a short clay man.) Look, there he is! Hi, Mr. Bill, how are you?

Mr. Bill: Oh ho ho, kiddies! I’m doing okay. It’s so good to see all your bright faces out in front of the TV set. Oh, we’re going to have a great time today. All my friends are here and we’re going to do those fun things. You know, those things that we always do. I’d like to meet my friend. He always helps me out a lot. His name is Mr. Hands! Say hello Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, how are you today? (starts molding a small yellow ball of clay) Good to see you.

Mr. Bill: Oh, I’m fine. How are you?

Mr. Hands: Oh, I’m just great Mr. Bill. Say, somebody’s coming to see you!

Mr. Bill: Uh, who could be coming to see me? Who?

Mr. Hands: Well it’s your dog.

Mr. Bill: Awwww.

Mr. Hands: (sings) Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.

Mr. Bill: Spot!

Mr. Hands: (sings) Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.

Mr. Bill: Awww.

Mr. Hands: (sings) He can run and jump and play. (reveals Spot) “I am Mr. Bill’s dog.”

Mr. Bill: Oh, Spot! It’s so good to see you. Oh, are you being a good dog.

Spot: Oh yes, Mr. Bill! How are you?

Mr. Bill: Oh fine. Have you been doing all those things you’re supposed to do?

Spot: Yes and I don’t even come along any more.

Mr. Bill: Oh goodie, let me pet you. (Mr. Hands moves Spot closer to Mr. Bill)

Spot: Ok.

Mr. Bill: Oh it’s so good to see you.

Spot: Don’t go away Mr. Bill.

Mr. Bill: But I like playing with Spot. Oh wait!

Mr. Hands: (picking up Spot) Mr. Spot has to go now. (Crumples up Spot.)

Mr. Bill: No wait! No, noooooooooooooooooo!

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, how would you like some company from one of your best friends? (starts molding a blue ball of clay)

Mr. Bill: Oh who is that?

Mr. Hands: Take a guess, look.

Mr. Bill: I don’t know, I don’t recognize him. Who?

Mr. Hands: Well, it’s one of your best friends. It’s…

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: …Mr Sluggo! (Sluggo appears with a knife in his hands.)

Mr. Bill: I, I don’t even like him. He hurts me all the time.

Mr. Hands: No, he just wants to come over and shake hands with you Mr. Bill (Moves Sluggo closer to Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait, what’s he got in his hands? What is that? No, (Sluggo knifes Mr. Bill in the stomach) Ohhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh, Mr. Bill. It must’ve slipped. He didn’t mean that.

Mr. Bill: It hurts!

Mr. Hands: (Another Sluggo appears) I have the doctor take a look at it.

Mr. Bill: Oh, I don’t think he’s a doctor. Who is that?

Mr. Hands: That’s Doctor Sluggo!

Mr. Bill: No, he isn’t a doctor! My leg’s fine!

Mr. Hands: Sure he is! Let him take a look at it.

Mr. Bill: No, it’s okay! No really.

Mr. Hands: Oh he says it has to be amputated Mr. Bill. (Gives a saw to Sluggo)

Mr. Bill: No wait! It feels right.

Mr. Hands: Always listen to the doctor.

Mr. Bill: Oh wait it’s okay (Sluggo starts sawing Mr. Bill’s left leg.) Ohhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill, how does that feel?

Mr. Bill: I don’t think I can walk anymore.

Mr. Hands: Here come on try standing up Mr. Bill.

Mr. Bill: No I don’t think I can. (Mr. Hands sets Mr. Bill up and Mr. Bill falls forward) Oh my face ohhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill. Mr. Bill’s going on a deep sea adventure now. (Places Mr. Bill in a pot of water.) Want to come out Mr. Bill? (takes Mr. Bill out and Mr. Bill is choking.) (With a toothbrush) You better brush your teeth, Mr. Bill.

Mr. Bill: Oh no! I don’t do that too well.

Mr. Hands: Come on, let’s brush your teeth real well. (Starts brushing and takes off, Mr. Bill’s left eye,nose and mouth) Clean your breath too. Doesn’t that feel Mr. Bill. Mr. Bill’s going on a sky diving adventure. (Mr. Bill is squeaking now.) It’s okay, I made you a parachute. (places a small red parachute on Mr. Bill’s back) Ready, one, two, three. (raises Mr. Bill high and drops him breaking him apart.)

(Cut to a person wearing a shirt that says “The Mr. Bill Show” and on the back of his jacket.)

(An address card appears)

Don Pardo: If you have a Super 8 or a 16 millimeter home movie, send it to “Home Movies, NBC’s Saturday Night, Box 904, Radio City Station, New York, N.Y. 10019.” And include your name and correct address. There will be no modeteary compensation at all.

(Zoom in on three old people in the audience. SUPER: “Adjust your set if it will make you happy”)

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

The Muppets

…..Jill Clayburgh
…..Chevy Chase

Jill Clayburgh: Uh, the Muppets couldn’t be here tonight – they’re at the Grammys, in California. But they’ll be back, March 13th! And, in the meantime, uh, one of the cast members has volunteered to go on in their place, and perform a little play called “Paying The Milkman.”

[ dissolve to the Land of Gorch set, slow pan upward to reveal two bare hands (one arm in a pink sleeve, the other wearing just a watch) poised like Muppets ]

Wife Hand: Well. goodbye, honey.

Husband Hand: Goodbye, dear. Have a good time in Rochester.

[ they kiss, and the Husband Hand exits stage left ]

[ the Wife Hand whistles, as a knock is heard offscreen to the left ]

Wife Hand: Who is it?

Milkman Hand: It’s the milkman!

Wife Hand: Umm.. uh.. I can’t open the door in my underwear.

Milkman Hand: You have a door in your underwear? Let me in, I’ll get in open!

Wife Hand: Well, um.. okay, hold on.

[ Wife Hand moves offscreen to open the door, then re-enters scene ]

Wife Hand: Um.. I, uh..

[ Milkman Hand enters carrying a glass of milk ]

Milkman Hand: Uh.. now, Mrs. Left – just a minute, please, I’ll just put this down here. [ puts the glass of milk down ] I, uh.. I noticed, uh.. you had quite a.. quite a milk bill run up here. Quite a milk bill, indeed.

Wife Hand: Oh. You know, I have no money, and my husband is away on a business trip. How ever will I pay you?

[ Milkman Hand looks around the set inquisitively ]

Milkman Hand: Well, uh.. let’s see. [ bends over in a funny way to gaze at the time on the watch ] I don’t have to be anywhere for ten minutes. Maybe we could just, uh.. kinda get comfortable?

Wife Hand: Now you’re talkin’, fun buns! Let me just slip this off, here.. [ bends down to remove the watch on the Milkman Hand’s wrist, as the Milkman Hand looks around nervously ]

Milkman Hand: Say, uh.. when do you think your husband will be back?

Wife Hand: [ drops below the set ] August.

[ cut to Chevy Chase standing with arms outstretched behind the Land of Gorch set. He lowers his arms and looks nervously toward the camera. ]

Chevy Chase: Uh, and now this week’s film, by a very good friend of mine, uh.. Gary Weis.

[ fade to Gary Weis film ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

The Restaurant

Woman…..Jill Clayburgh
Man…..Chevy Chase

[ open on a couple sitting at a table in a dark restaurant, illuminated only by the candle on their table. The man appears to be deep in thought, with his hand resting upon his chin, as his date stares at him lovingly ]

Woman: What are you thinking about?

Man: [ looking up ] Hmm? Nothing.

Woman: Ohh.. When you sit there with that look on your face, you must be thinking about something.

Man: Well.. if I am, I guess I’m thinking about a million things at once.

Woman: Like what?

Man: Well.. like the music, what I ordered for dinner, what we did tonight.. what I’m gonna do tomorrow.

Woman: Don’t you ever think about me?

Man: Of course, I do. I’m thinking about you right now.

Woman: What are you thinking about me?

Man: Well, uh.. I was thinking: “I wonder what she’s thinking about?”

Woman: Nothing else?

Man: Well, I was thinking.. how much I love you.

Woman: How much do you love me?

Man: I love you a lot.

Woman: How much do you love me?

Man: I love you a real lot.

Woman: Ohh. Well, why do you love me?

Man: Why do I love you?

Woman: Yes. Why do you love me?

Man: Well.. because you’re a wonderful person. And, uh —

Woman: Well, what makes me so wonderful that you love me so much?

Man: Well, you’re inquisitive. Always wondering, asking questions. You have a funny way of brushing your hair in the morning.

Woman: Oh.

Man: You like Grape-Nuts. The way you can’t stand wrinkles in the rug.

Woman: Oh, that’s sweet!

Man: You think so?

Woman: [ cheerily ] Yes!

Man: What are you thinking about?

Woman: Oh.. warthogs.

[ cut immediately to her thoughts – warthogs trotting around a dirt field over a soundtrack of wild calliope music ]

[ dissolve to pan to audience member, with SUPER: “John Beresford Tifton” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase.”

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Yeah. No, no, no — First, you fill your mouth with hot water, and then you uase the ice cubes, and then you alternate — [ he looks up and sees the camera ] I-I gotta go. [ he hangs up ]

Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and… you can’t!

Our top story tonight: President Ford squeaked by Ronald Reagan in the New Hampshire primary this week. For a live report, let’s go now to Laraine Newman in New Hampshire.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing in a snow-covered field ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, the primary was officially over on Tuesday, and the candidates have all left. Also, officials say that the New Hampshire voters have packed and moved to Massachusetts to vote in that primary next Tuesday. Laraine Newman, reporting.

[ return to Chevy at the desk ]

Chevy Chase: [ he shakes his head ] After his plurality victory in New Hampshire this week, former jovernor — governor George — Georgia governor Jimmy Carter! Former George — [ the audience laughs and claps ] Former Georgia governor Jimmy Carter was asked when he would start getting more specific on the issues. Carter said, “Perhaps sometime in the near future.”

Democratic presidential hopeful Birch Bayh finished a weak third in the New Hampshire primary. He is pictured here at a recent rally, handing out chunks of snow.

President Nixon was formally pardoned for all Watergate crimes today by the Peoples Republic of China. Honoring the ailing former leader, the Chinese have named a new dish after Mr. Nixon, called, of course, Sweet and Sour Dick. [ the audience cheers ] Mr. Nixon responded after dinner, by replying: “I am greatly moved. You know, Mr. Premier, at any moment I could go into the other room, press a button, and 20 minutes later 60 million people would be dead.” He was led away in tears, shown the Great Wall, and put on a slow barge up the Chinese River without a paddle.

Following leaks to the press over recent CIA activity, newsman Daniel Schorr was suspended by CBS and forced to have his lips epoxied together.

After a lengthy and tiring conference in Geneva, members from some 35 nations including England, France, Germany, the United States, Russia and Red China.

The trial of Patricia Hearst continues in San Francisco. For a direct report, let’s go now to correspondent Harland Collins.

[ cut to a close-up of an artist’s pad as he skeches crude photos from the trial ]

[ SUPER: “ARTIST’S RENDERING” ]

Voiceover: Patricia Hearst was never a member of the Symbionese Liberation Army. Once she raised her fist to the guerillas soon after her capture, it was a “classic case of compliance and profound confusion.” Dr. Robert J. Lipton testified to the defense today. Clifton, one of the country’s leading experts on persusasive coercion and thought control — brainwashing — said that Ms. Hearst cannot, at 19, not yet formed as an adult, vulnerable to every kind of fear, was more susceptible to coercion than anyone out of hundreds of persons being studied in the last 26 years.

[ return to Chevy at the desk, pinching his nose as he speaks ]

Chevy Chase: This is Harland Collins, reporting.

[ Chevy releases his nose and looks curiously at the audience ]

This just in from Spain: A medical team have announced that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still valiantly holding on in his fight to remain dead.

The Ideal Toy Company has recently introduced a new doll named “Joey”. Named after the grandson of TV’s Archie Bunker, it is the first anatomically correct baby doll — that is, it has a male sex organ. While the toy company will only market White dolls, Mattel Toys has both a White and Black version of the doll. Both are reported to be anatomically accurate, and the dolls will be priced accordingly — the White doll sells for $6; the Black doll for $26.85.

After a record five years, four months, and twenty-seven days in space, four American astronauts were picked up in the Indian Ocean by a Spanish fishing troller, after having floated in their capsule for another record forty-one days. NASA officials apologized publicly, saying they had forgotten about the men more than two years ago, and asked for their names.

Well, a gigantic concord with a 125-foot wingspan, said to be the largest ever spotted by ornothologists, flew over the nation’s capitol yesterday and left a dropping on the Washington Monument. FAA officials will study the sample in an effort to decide whether the flight of these birds might effect the ozone layer or cause noise and/or environmental pollution.

Now living in a home for retired sailors near Marblehead, Massachusetts, Popeye celebrated his 93rd birthday yesterday. According to his doctor, it now takes the one-time cartoon figure three cans of spinach just to cut the cheese.

Still to come: Gerald Ford takes a flying lesson, after this message.

[ dissolve to H&L Brock ad parody ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the desk ]

Chevy Chase: Mikados, Greece: In going through the personal papers of the late Aristotle Onassis, an attorney has discovered a second will and testement, postdating the original. In this new will, Onassis inexplicably left his entire $3 billion fortune and shipping empire to singer Roy Clark.

Right now, here to reply to a Weekend Update editorial is Miss Emily Litella. Emily?

Emily Litella: What is all this fuss I hear about the Supreme Court’s decision on a DEAF penalty?! It’s terrible!! Deaf people have enough problems as it is! I know I myself occasionally have difficulty with my hearing — but that doesn’t mean I want to be punished for it! And what do they do to them, anyway? Shout nasty things at them behind their back? You mark my words: If we start punishing deaf people, they’ll get back at us! They’ll close their eyes when we talk to them and they won’t be able to see a thing we’re saying!! I say, instead of making deafness a penalty, we ought to start doing NICE things for them. Like talking louder. [ shouting ] YOU HEAR ME?!! CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME OUT THERE?!!

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry, Miss Litella. That’s death penalty. Death penalty.

Emily Litella: [ confused ] What?

Chevy Chase: The editorial was about the Supreme Court’s decision on the death penalty — not deaf penalty. Death penalty.

Emily Litella: Oh. Well, that’s very different.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ she smiles ] Never mind!

Chevy Chase: More in on that late story: After a lengthy and tiring conference in Geneva, members from some 35 nations including England, France, Germany, the United States, Russia and Red China.

Well, Barry Goldwater was executed by a bicentennial firing squad today, in Bosco, Arizona. It was reported that his last words were: “By the time I get to Phoenix, I’ll be rising.”

Chevy Chase: And that’s the news tonight. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

The Muppets

…..Gilda Radner

[ Gilda Radner is in front of a black screen, ready to introduce the musical guest. ]

Gilda Radner: And now…

[ Scred enters, wearing a killer-bee costume. ]

Scred: Okay, here I am! I’m ready!

Gilda Radner: Scred… what are you doing here?

Scred: Hey, where is everybody? Where’s all the bees?

Gilda Radner: Scred, there aren’t going to be any bees in this show.

Scred: Are you sure?

Gilda Radner: Yeah!

Scred: Oh… well, they told me that they were doing a sketch on The Andy Griffith Show, and that I could play Aunt Bea.

Gilda Radner: Scred… they decided not to do it. Didn’t anybody tell you?

Scred: Aww, that’s just great! That’s really great! Boy, how come nobody ever tells us Muppets anything? [ Gilda laughs lightly ] No, don’t laugh. We’re tired of being second class citizens around here.

Gilda Radner: Oh, Scred…

Scred: Don’t gimme that “Aw, Scred” stuff! I mean, how come we’re not in any of the major sketches? Really! I could do News Update. I’m capable.

Gilda Radner: Okay.

Scred: Good evening. I’m Scred. And you’re not.

[ The audience applauds. ]

Scred: I mean, y’know, toy boat, toy boat, big deal. But nooo… you know, I have to go to a lot of trouble just to get extra tickets!

Gilda Radner: Really!

Scred: Yeah! And let me tell you…

Gilda Radner: What?

Scred: My parents are sick about it.

Gilda Radner: Really? You know something, Scred, is there anything else you want to say?

Scred: Uh. Just one more thing… Can I play with your moogies?

Gilda Radner: [ She giggles and tickles him. ] No, you can’t play with my moogies! You know something, now that you’re here, there is something you can do.

Scred: Oh, yeah?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Scred: What?

Gilda Radner: Why don’t you introduce Neil Sedaka.

Scred: Hey, I’d love to.

Gilda Radner: Okay.

Scred: Ladies and gentlemen… Neil Sedaka.

[ Gilda kisses Scred and nuzzles with him. ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Organ Harvesting

Dr. Collins ….. Dudley Moore
Dr. Kedeski ….. Tom Schiller
Dr. Barda ….. Chevy Chase
Doctor ….. Dan Aykroyd
Patient ….. Garrett Morris
Nurse ….. Anne Beatts

[ Four surgeons and a nurse are gathered around an operating table, with Dr. Barda making an incision into the shoulder of the lifeless body ]

Dr. Kedeski: It’s been seven minutes, Dr. Collins.

Dr. Collins: Gentlemen, procedure dictates that this is the moment of decision. (removes his surgical mask, the other doctors following suit) It is Dr. Kedeski’s and my opinion that the vital life functions of this patient ceased some seven minutes ago. Dr. Barda’s EEG Reading confirms it. However, before proceeding with the extraction of the heart for transplantation, I would like the opinion of the entire surgical staff. A simple show of hands will do. All those who believe the patient is legally dead, please raise your hand.

[ All the doctors and the nurse raise their hands ]

Dr. Collins: Anyone who does not?

[ Dr. Collins looks around for hands, not noticing that the patient is slowly raising his hand ]

Dr. Collins: Well, we shall proceed.

[ Oblivious of the patient’s raised hand, the surgeons go back to work on the body. As the audience applause, a shot of a bearded man in the audience is shown with the caption ABBIE HOFFMAN ]

[ Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
Man…..Garrett Morris
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
…..Alan Zweibel

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Wait, wait, wait, wait. Honey… you’re talking too fast. What did she tell you? Yes… at the right moment. Yeah? Well, who yanks the beads out? I — [ he sees the camera ] I gotta go!

Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and… you’re not.

Our top story tonight: Generallissimo Francisco Franco has been critically dead now for eleven weeks. And his doctors refuse to speculate on how long he can last in his present condition.

This week, the FDA banned Red Dye #2, saying the red coloring agent is suspected of having cancer-causing qualities. Coincidentally, it was reported this week that Ronald Reagan revealed he was undergoing treatment for cancer of the hair.

After the treatment, Reagan met at a reception with the three most popular conservative party majors to discuss burning the edges of government documents brown to make them look old and really neat. And the potential use of the musket in CIA-financed foreign wars.

President Gerald Ford has released a list of eight potential running mates for the 1976 election. Among those listed are Elliott Richardson, Charles Mercy, Howard Major, and Sen. Edward Brook of Massachusetts. White House sources said that Brook, a Black man, will not actually be the choice for running mate, but that “The President put his name on a list as a token…” [ flips page ] “of his appreciation.”

Chevy Chase: Because it has been so difficult reaching our correspondent in Angola, via satellite, during the heavy fighting there in past weeks. I will dial directly for a live telephone hook-up with “Update” reporter Luwanda Angola. [ he dials the phone ]

[ on the monitor, the phone rings at Jane Curtin’s residence ]

Jane Curtin: [ she answers ] Hello?

Chevy Chase: Hello, Angola!

Jane Curtin: Angela’s not here right now. Who’s this?

Chevy Chase: This is Chevy Chase, “Weekend Update”.

Jane Curtin: [ elated ] Chevy, what are you doing calling me! Aren’t you supposed to be doing the news?

Chevy Chase: Who is this?

Jane Curtin: This is Jane! How are you!

Chevy Chase: Ah, Jane… hi… how are you? I-I must have dialed the wrong number. I wanted Angola.

Jane Curtin: Angela’s over at your house, stringing the beads. You know that.

Chevy Chase: [ blushing ] Good night, Jane! [ he hangs up ] War-torn Luwanda Angola!

State Department officials have denied that the revolution-scarred nation has been signed for a two-week engagement at New Yokr’s Apollo Theater.

Patricia Hearst’s lawyers have been charged with trying to stop doctors from trying to examine her, and possibly using sodium-pentathol administered by a hyperdermic. Patty is reputed to have a long-standing fear of needles, dating back to the time when she was an only child in San Francisco — THE only child in San Francisco — who had to — who had to snort her polio vaccine. [ Chevy crumbles the report and flicks it off the news desk ]

Pugi, the hot, new Israeli rock band of southern men, will visit the U.S. and perform in New York City’s Town Hall on February 22nd. The group will feature their new hit single: “Palestine, My Buns”.

Following reports of swarms of so-called killer bees from South America, crossing the border into Texas and California, the Department of Agriculture has warned of dangerous apartment-eating cattle, seen roaming loose in North Carolina.

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” is proud to announce a new weekly feature on today’s woman. To kick it off, Laraine Newman is in Times Square with a live remote interviewing people on “Abortion: Boon or Hindrance?” Laraine?

Laraine Newman: [ in times Square ] Thank you, Chevy. I’m stopping people on the street at random, and getting their views on “Abortion: Boon or Hindrance?” [ she stops a Black man ] Oh! Excuse me. I’m Laraine Newman, from NBC’s “News Update”. Could you answer just a couple of questions?

Man: Sure.

Laraine Newman: 1: Have you ever had an abortion?

Man: Uhhhh, no… I haven’t.

Laraine Newman: And, Number 2: if, under the right circumstances, would you have an abortion?

Man: Naaahhhh, I wouldn’t… no.

Laraine Newman: Thank you. [ the man walks away, confused and bewildered ] This has been Laraine Newman, in Times Square. Back to you, Chevy.

[ Chevy shakes his head ]

Walter Cronkite admitted today that he would have informed the FBI if John Chancellor was indeed a CIA informant, had the CIA not asked the former not to disclose the FBI’s associations to the CIA, as long as the FBI and the CIA were connected with the Chancellor investigation, and if Cronkite’s CIA-sponsored activities uncovering Chancellor’s FBI-NBC connections with the AF of L CIO, CBS, J-E-double-L-O. [ a beat ] M-O-u-S-E.

Great Bitten — Britney! [ Chevy speaks sudden gibberish, then starts over ] Great Britain’s conquered SST flew her maiden passenger flight, Monday, from London to Rio de Janiero in a record seven hours and fifty minutes. The record time included a one-hour refueling and forty-minute delay when the pilot overshot South America.

Chevy Chase: Still To Come: David and Julie Eisenhower openly discuss David’s sexual fantasies. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Middle American Van Lines ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here to reply to a recent editorial, is Miss Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: What’s all this FUSS I hear… about saving Soviet jewelry? Now… what makes Soviet jewelry so special? Will it be worth more in a few years? Why… prices what they are today… ALL jewelry will be worth more! now, if I recall correctly, Mrs. Kruschev didn’t wear very much jewelry… and her husband, the Premier, didn’t even wear a watch! Not the mickey mouse watch, anyway. Why, they wouldn’t even let him into Disney Land! And now he’s DEAD!! Well, I’m infuriated! Save Soviet jewelry?! Where are we going to put it? I say keep it over THERE, with all their ballet dancers! Let them keep their own jewelry AND their own ballet dancers! As a matter of fact, why don’t get the ballet dancers to save the jewelry?! Americans have more important things to save! And electricity! And what about our fuel? Now, THAT’S important! Not jewelry!

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella. Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: What?!

Chevy Chase: It’s Jewry. Jewry. Not jewelry.

Emily Litella: It’s what?

Chevy Chase: Soviet Jewry. The editorial was about Jewry, not jewelry.

Emily Litella: Oh! Well, that’s very important.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ she smiles ] Never mind!

Chevy Chase: In reviewing “Weekend Update” for the past twelve editions, we find we may have been unreasonably unfair to President Gerald R. Ford. Beginning tonight, “Weekend Update” declares a moratorium on stories which might be interpreted as accusing the President of stupidity and clumsiness. In the future, we shall treat the Office of the President with the respect it deserves, and eliminate ALL questionable references to our Chief Executive.

This morning, an unidentified man fell out of a second story window of the White House and landed headfirst in the Rose Garden. Whoever it was somersaulted to a waiting helicopter, bumped his head on the rotor blade, and was carried into the craft by Secret Service agents, then took off for Andrews Air Force Base for the first leg of a trip to Veil, Colorado.

We’re running out of time, so I’ll just have to combine the last two stories: This afternoon, George foreman knocked out the capitol city of Beirut, Lebanon, where he found guerilla warfare in that heavyweight Mediterranean prizefight. That report from correspondent Ron Lyle, in battle-torn Las Vegas, Nevada, in the Middle East.

Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who may have been in the shower earlier in the broadcast, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Chairman of Wet Americans for a Cleaner Nation, Alan Zweibel. The top story tonight:

Alan Zweibel: Tonight’s top story:

Together: Generallissimo Francisco Franco has been critically dead now for eleven weeks.

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Alan Zweibel: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 31st, 1976

Dick Cavett

Jimmy Cliff

Marshall Efron

Al Alen Peterson

None

Rosie Shuster

Tom Schiller VoodooSummary: Bothered that Chevy Chase gets all the attention on “SNL”, Garrett Morris uses a voodoo curse to manipulate his fall.

Transcript

Montage

Dick Cavett’s MonologueSummary: Dick Cavett tells a few jokes to the audience before “dropping the show.”

Bio: Dick Cavett (1936-) held jobs as a magician, stand-up comedian and writer/talent coordinator for “The Tonight Show with Jack Parr” before landing his own talk show in 1969.

Transcript

Alcohol & Firearms Don’t MixSummary: Anne (Jane Curtin) is so excited at the prospect of getting married that she ignores the accidental firings of her hunter boyfriend (Chevy Chase).

Transcript

Dick Cavett School of Auto Refinishing & UpholsterySummary: Enroll in Dick Cavett’s school to learn how to install opera windows on American cars.

Transcript

Jimmy Cliff performs “The Harder They Come”Bio: Jimmy Cliff (1948-) helped introduce reggae music to America with his performance in the 1973 Jamaican film “The Harder They Come.” Cliff’s first two performances in this episode come from that film’s soundtrack.

H & L Brock ISummary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) and the H & L Brock tax team are willing to cheat for you.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Australian mercenary (Dan Aykroyd) in Angola wants sex with Laraine Newman. Laraine Newman seeks opinions on abortion in Times Square. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) disagrees with an “eagle” rights amendment. Tom Schiller repeats the top story for “I Love Lucy” fans.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Felina Cat FoodSummary: Test proves it’s different than regular tuna.

Note: Repeat from 10/25/75.

Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane OperationSummary: Enroll in Dick Cavett’s school to learn the ins and outs of hydroplane operation.

Transcript

Our TownSummary: Stage Mananger (Dick Cavett) describes his town to the audience.

Transcript

Jimmy Cliff performs “Many Rivers to Cross”

Dick Cavett Lookalike ContestSummary: The winner of the Dick Cavet Lookalike Contest (Marshall Efron) hardly resembles Dick Cavett at all.

Gary Weis FilmSummary: A tailor and a plastic surgeon make alterations to one another.

Dance To The NationSummary: Betty Ford’s (Jane Curtin) dispenses common-sense advice while performing dance moves on stage.

Transcript

H & L Brock IISummary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) and the H & L Brock tax team will pay off IRS officials and find tricky loopholes that will work in your favor.

Transcript

Looks At BooksSummary: Dick Cavett plugs his book detailing his lifestyle as a Nebraska pimp.

Transcript

Jimmy Cliff performs “Wahjaka Man”

H & L Brock IIISummary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) and the H & L Brock tax team’s ties with the underworld can be an asset to you this tax season.

Note: Lorne Michaels plays an off-screen joke on John Belushi during this sketch, by tying Belushi’s shoelaces together below his chair.

Transcript

“The Apple Follies”Summary: Harry McDevitt’s film features a police raid following an apple’s strip tease.

“I Gotta Be Me”Summary: Hardhat Al Alen Petersen is transformed into a blonde woman.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts