Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

Wilco performs “Hate It Here”

…..Ellen Page
…..Wilco

Ellen Page: Ladies and gentlemen — Wilco.

Wilco: [ singing ]
“I try to stay busy
I do the dishes, I mow the lawn
I try to keep myself occupied
Even though I know you’re not coming home

I try to keep the house nice and neat
I make my bed I change the sheets
I even learned how to use the washing machine
But keeping things clean doesn’t change anything

What am I gonna do when I run out of shirts to fold?
What am I gonna do when I run out of lawn to mow?
What am I gonna do if you never come home?
Tell me, what am I gonna do?

I hate it
I hate it here
When you’re gone

I caught myself thinking
I caught myself thinking once again
Have to try to keep my mind out of this
Try not to pretend

I’ll check the phone
I’ll check the mail
I’ll check the phone again and I call your mom
She says you’re not there and I should take care

I hate it here
When you’re gone
I hate it
I hate it here
When you’re gone

I try to stay busy
I take out the trash, I sweep the floor
Try to keep myself occupied
Cause I know you don’t live here anymore.”

Submitted by: Joshua Dallas Razo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

The Continuing Adventures of Peter Pan
Captain Hook…..Bill Hader
Smee…..Will Forte
Peter Pan…..Ellen Page
Tinkerbell…..Amy Poehler
Redbeard…..Fred Armisen
Pirate #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Pirate #2…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on book entitled “The Continuing Adventures of Peter Pan” ]

Narrator: And now, the continuing adventures of Peter Pan. [ turns page ] Chapter 26: Hook’s Revenge. After years of humiliation at the hands of Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, a frustrated Captain Hook summons his pirate crew to discuss a change in strategy.

[ dissolve to Hook’s ship where he has assembled his crew ]

Captain Hook: Okay men, gather around. Guys, right here. So I called this meeting so we could talk about the Peter Pan situation. Last night, he raided our ship with his gang of Lost Boys, and stole three trunks of treasure.

Smee: Well, the Lost Boys are a wily bunch, Captain Hook.

Captain Hook: They’re literally a group of children. They’re 10, 11 years old, tops. Their swords are made out of wood. You’re professional pirates. With guns.

Redbeard: We’ll get ’em next time, huh?

Captain Hook: Well, we better, because they’re making us look ridiculous. Other pirates laugh at us.

[ an alarm sounds ]

Pirate #1: [ looks through telescope ] Captain! Peter Pan’s comin’!

Captain Hook: Okay, this is good! Okay, here’s our chance. Is everyone’s gun loaded?

Pirates: Aye!

Captain Hook: [ in hammy tone ] You’re luck’s run out, Peter Pan!

[ All the pirates move to the side and wait as Peter Pan flies in with the Lost Boys. He lands in the middle of the ship. ]

Captain Hook: Shoot him! Shoot him!

[ Pirates stare in awe as the Lost Boys join Peter and start singing and dancing as a horrified Hook looks on ]

Peter Pan: [ singing ]
“I don’t care for rules. I’d rather laugh and play. Don’t tell me what to do! I won’t do what you say! I’d rather be a boy than a grumpy old man. Hey, Captain Hook! Catch me if you can!”

[ Peter and the Lost Boys steal a bag of treasure and fly away ]

Captain Hook: Why didn’t anybody shoot him?! He was right in front of us! [ goes back to middle of ship ] Why didn’t anybody- [ hears Smee humming ] Stop humming his song! Look, we’re down to our last sack of treasure. What just happened?

Smee: Ah, he got away.

Captain Hook: Hey, Redbeard.

Redbeard: Yes, Captain?

Captain Hook: Hey, I want you to stand right here, okay? [ places him near the middle on two barrels ] Okay, keep your finger on the trigger. If Peter Pan comes back, I want you to shoot him in the head, okay?

Redbeard: Okay, but what if I don’t have a clear shot?

Captain Hook: Look, he always go to the same spot, right? [ goes where Peter had stood ]

Redbeard: Right…

Captain Hook: For his dances.

Redbeard: Right!

Captain Hook: So I want you to stand right here, point blank, [ makes gesture of brains being blown out ] pow! Okay?

Redbeard: Right. Aye-aye, Captain.

Captain Hook: Good.

[ alarm sounds again ]

Pirate #1: [ looks through telescope ] Captain! They’re comin’ back!

Captain Hook: Okay, okay, this is good! This is good! Redbeard, what are you gonna do if Peter Pan gets back here?

Redbeard: Shoot him in the back of the head!

Captain Hook: Great! Here we go, men! [ in hammy tone ] You’re luck’s run out, Peter Pan!

[ Pirates go to the side again as Peter flies in and lands in middle of ship ]

Captain Hook: Shoot him! Shoot him! He’s right there – shoot him!

[ Peter is joined by Lost Boys and they start singing and dancing again as pirates look on in awe ]

Peter Pan: [singing]
“We don’t need guns!”

Lost Boys: “No, we don’t need guns!”

Peter Pan: “And our swords are made of wood!”

Lost Boys: “And our swords our made of wood!”

Peter Pan: “But we’re gonna steal the treasure!”

Lost Boys: “Yes, we’re gonna steal the treasure!”

Peter Pan: “Because our hearts are pure and good!”

Lost Boys: ” ‘Cause our hearts are pure and good!”

[ Peter and the Lost Boys steal another bag of treasure and fly away. As soon as they’re gone, Redbeard finally fires his gun. ]

Captain Hook: [goes back to middle, scratching his chin with his hook ] Okay. Hey guys, guys, um…I’m gonna ask every to grade themselves, okay? Smee, how do you think you did?

Smee: Ah, C minus.

Captain Hook: Redbeard, what about you?

Redbeard: I’m gonna say B plus.

Captain Hook: B plus? Seriously?

Redbeard: Nobody knew he was going to steal the treasure. We had no idea!

Captain Hook: Oh, good point. Except we did know, because he sang about it!

Smee: Which part?

Captain Hook: The part where he sang, “We’re going to steal the treasure.”

Smee: Oh yeah! That was my favorite part. [ other pirates agree ]

Captain Hook: [ frustrated ] People, people! We’re pirates, okay?! Murderers? Is everybody clear on that?

Pirates: Aye-aye!

Captain Hook: Okay then, no more mistakes. [ in rushed tone ] You’re luck’s run out, blahbladedeblah.

[ alarm sounds again as Hook runs to the side of the ship ]

Pirate #1: [ looks through telescope ] Oh, they’re comin’! They’re comin’ back!

Captain Hook: Come on, guys, let’s go! Here we go!

[ Peter flies in again to the middle of the ship, this time with Tinkerbell ]

Captain Hook: Shoot him! Shoot him! You got a clear shot – shoot him!

Peter Pan: [ singing ]
“Hey there, Tinkerbell. What do ya say?”

Captain Hook: Shoot him!

Tinkerbell: [ singing ] “Peter, you’re my hero in every way!”

Captain Hook: Shoot him!!

[ As Peter starts dancing, the other pirates join him. ]

Peter Pan: [ singing ] “We don’t need guns!”

Pirates: “No, we don’t need guns!”

Captain Hook: [ spoken ] What are you doing dancing?!

Peter Pan: “And I’d rather laugh and play!”

Pirates: ” ‘Cause he’d rather laugh and play!”

Captain Hook: [ spoken ] Shoot him! [ steps down towards the middle ] Pardon me, guys. I guess I gotta do everything around here. Hold on. [ hits Tinkerbell to the floor and repeatedly stomps on her ]

Tinkerbell: Oww! Ow, ow, ow, ow, owww!

Pirates: Hey!

Peter Pan: Good heavens! You’ve killed Tinkerbell!

Captain Hook: Yes, yes. See guys? It’s not that hard.

Peter Pan: Unless…

Smee: [ determined ] What is it, Peter Pan? Is there something we can do?

Peter Pan: Well, maybe if enough Peter clap their hands to show that they believe in fairies…

Captain Hook: [ annoyed ] Aw, give me a break!

Peter Pan: …Well maybe, just maybe, Tinkerbell will come on back to life! Come on everyone! Yeah! [ everyone claps except for Hook ] Tinkerbell! [ Tinkerbell comes back to life and Peter and pirates celebrate ]

Captain Hook: [ mocks ] Yay! [ gives up ] I’m out! I’m out!

Peter Pan: Yeah! Tinkerbell! Yeah! [ starts singing ] “We don’t need guns!”

Pirates: “No, we don’t need guns!”

Peter Pan: “And we’d rather laugh and play!”

Pirates: “And we’d rather laugh and play!”

[ “The End” screen comes up as Peter and pirates dance ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Laura Fanjoy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

Shopping with Virginiaca

Virginiaca…..Kenan Thompson
Young Salesman…..Andy Samberg
Stepdaughter…..Ellen Page

Announcer: And now, Shopping With Virginica!

Virginiaca: [enters the Baby Gap] Oh, ooh! Oh, whoo, oh, I made it! Oh, my goodness, I am winded. How come Baby Gap gotta be on the second floor? Babies can’t be crawlin’ all the way up in here! They got little baby hands and feet! [eats some cake out of her purse] Ooh, this cake is good.

Young Salesman: [comes up to her] Hello there. May I help you?

Virginiaca: [flirting] That depends, can you lift me up over your head?

Young Salesman: I doubt it.

Virginiaca: Well, how ’bout just my bottom half?

Young Salesman: Uh, are you interested in some baby clothes?

Virginiaca: That depends, do you wanna see me in some baby clothes?

Young Salesman: Ma’am, I’m only 18.

Virginiaca: Inches?

Young Salesman: OK. If you need me, I’ll be nowhere. [leaves]

Virginiaca: I don’t understand that! Oh, where is this girl? [into her walkie-talkie cell phone] Girl, you are gettin’ on my one big nerve! Where is you?!

Stepdaughter: [enters] Dang, Mama, I was at the Proactiv booth gettin’ some free samples! [her shirt is full of small samples]

Virginiaca: Well, all right then! [opens purse] Dump ’em in here! Don’t tell Vanessa Williams, though.

Stepdaughter: [putting samples into her purse] What Vanessa Williams don’t know won’t hurt her!

Virginiaca: I don’t wanna hear your foolishness! OK, we gotta get you some outfits for spring break.

Stepdaughter: Just make sure that it’s tight-and-right! [does a little dance move]

Virginiaca: You are so nasty. You are so nasty. Oh, girl, check this out, look at this here! Mmm! [picks up a tiny pair of pants] Woop woop woop! [the stepdaughter does a dance] Booty-shorts alarm! Booty-shorts alarm!

Stepdaughter: All right, how much is this? [holds the pants up towards the salesman] How much this? [he doesn’t reply] I’m sayin’ how much these booty-shorts?!

Young Salesman: Those aren’t booty shorts, they’re baby pants.

Virginiaca: Mm-hmm.

Stepdaughter: You tellin’ me I can’t be tryin’ these on?

Young Salesman: They’re not gonna fit.

Stepdaughter: Mama, I think he’s tryin’ to seminate that I’m fat or somethin’!

Virginiaca: Why you callin’ her fat? Where are your scruples?

Young Salesman: OK, these are clothes for babies. Are you guys planning on buying something for a baby?

Virginiaca: Yes we are, this is my step-baby right here. We can buy this whole store if we wanted to! Maybe you know my husband, Mr. Cedric Earlsworth Hastings, of Hastings Aluminum Tubing? Mm-hmm! [shows her big diamond ring] Ta-dow! And my name is Virginiaca.

Stepdaughter: Lucky for you he’s not up in here with me and my stepmoms, he’s havin’ IBS somethin’ turrible.

Virginiaca: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I used up two giant cans of Oust this mornin’ and I was like “I got to get ‘Oust’ of here!”

Stepdaughter: Just tell me where I be tryin’ these shorts on!

Young Salesman: Ma’am, I’m sorry, I can’t have you stretching out the merchandise.

Stepdaughter: For srs?! Mama, he won’t let me be tryin’ these shorts on, so how I can tell if I can do my booty back-and-forth?!

Virginiaca: [deep, scary man-voice] Why can’t my baby do her booty back-and-forth?

Young Salesman: I don’t even know what that is.

Virginiaca: Well, watch and learn! [they go to a table and stand on either side and do the booty-dance] Slide the booty back, push your booty forth. Booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, [the salesman looks bewildered] booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, shake it with a fork! [they both celebrate]

Stepdaughter: I just brought this whole situation up to a higher level!

Virginiaca: [eats some chips out of her purse] Mm-hmm, baby, you sure did, mm-hmm.

Stepdaughter: Oh, Mama, those corn chips are full of trans-fats!

Virginiaca: Hush up, girl! I’m gettin’ my Niacen. [appears to lose something in her purse, but leaves it] Now how ’bout we try on some shorts!

Young Salesman: I can’t let you do that.

Virginiaca: Oh, OK, you know what? Baby girl, why don’t you go up to the Chick-Fil-A and get Mama some nuggrets?

Stepdaughter: Where’s the Chick-Fil-A!

Virginiaca: It’s off the esqualator!!

Stepdaughter: [exiting] DANG, MAMA!

Virginiaca: [does a little dance up to the counter] Uh, well, excuse me, have you ever been to D.C.?

Young Salesman: Washington?

Virginiaca: No. [leans down so that her boobs are on the counter, and points to each one] D and C. Yeah, I’m pleasingly lopsided.

Young Salesman: Oh, no thank you.

Virginiaca: OK, well, how ’bout this: [pushes clothes off table, climbs onto it and kneels on all fours with her butt towards his face] You see this position I’m in right now?

Young Salesman: Yes.

Virginiaca: Imagine it wigglin’ and nekkid.

Young Salesman: And I quit! [exits]

Virginiaca: [shakes it] Booty back-and-forth! Booty back-and-forth! [scene ends]

Submitted by: Rose

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

An SNL Digital Short

Young Woman…..Ellen Page
Crazed Psycho…..Andy Samberg
Wolfman…..Will Forte
Dracula…..Jason Sudeikis
Debbie Lieberstein…..Kristen Wiig

Night. A young woman lies asleep in bed.

Suddenly, she jolts up from a bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she’s certain there is no danger.

She enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light

She turns the tap water on in the sink, then pulls the mirrored medicine cabinet open to retrieve a bottle of aspirin. As she closes the medicine cabinet, the reflection of a crazed psycho appears in the mirror behind her.

A sharp music sting sounds

The pyscho has disappeared once the young woman turns around to inspect the bathroom.

Young Woman: [ frightened ] Hello?

She catches her breath, then lowers her head toward the sink so she can rinse her face with the fresh tap water

She raises her head to reveal the crazed psycho standing once again behind her reflection in the mirror

Music sting

The young woman turns around again to look, but no one is there. She returns her gaze to the mirror, but hers is the only reflection within it. She rubs her eyes. As she does, the psycho rises behind her in the mirror’s reflection.

Music sting

She turns around again, but there’s no one behind her. She returns her gaze to the mirror, and there waits the crazed psycho.

Music sting, as she screams

Her gaze returns to the mirror. Music sting — there he is.

She spins around. Music sting — the psycho is revealed holding a Mai Tai in one hand before disappearing.

She spins around. Music sting — the psycho is revealed holding a huge lollipop in one hand before disappearing.

She spins around. Music sting — the psycho is revealed lifting two-pound hand weights in each hand before disappearing.

She screams and gasps. She returns her gaze to the mirror; the psyxho is gone. She breathes a sigh of relief, then checks the reflection again. Still no psycho.

She turns around and the psycho is now standing directly behind her in the bathroom.

Music sting.

Back in bed, the young woman jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she’s certain there is no danger.

She re-enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light. The psycho is sitting in the dark, on the toilet, reading a newpaper. He’s embarrassed by her sudden intrusion.

Crazed Psycho: Oh, God! someone’s in here… someone’s in here!

In his own bed, the crazed psycho jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, screaming. He breathes heavily until he’s certain there is no danger.

He enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light

He turns the tap water on in the sink, then pulls the mirrored medicine cabinet open to retrieve a bottle of aspirin. As he closes the medicine cabinet, the reflection of the young woman, smiling, appears in the mirror behind him.

Music sting, as he screams.

Back in bed, together, the young woman and the crazed psycho jolt up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily and looking at one another with slight trepidation. They cautiously move their fingers to touch one another, to make sure the other is real.

Music sting as their fingers touch, and a werewolf rises from the sheets betweem them. They both scream, and the werewolf suddenly disappears.

In his bed, Dracula jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat. He breathes heavily until he’s certain there is no danger. Another music sting, as Debbie Lieberstein jolts up in bed next to him, breathing heavily.

Dracula: Are you okay?

Debbie Lieberstein: I just remembered my Mom’s birthday is tomorrow, and I forgot to get her something.

Dracula: Oh… oh, whoa, whoa, baby, we’ll think of something…

Debbie Lieberstein: [ she sighs ] You promise?

Dracula: Yeah. I promise.

Debbie Lieberstein: I love you, Dracula.

Dracula: [ he chuckles ] Oh, I love you, Debbie Lieberstein!

Back in bed, the young woman jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she’s certain there is no danger.

Music sting, as the crazed psycho rises from the side of the bed and they scream simultaneously.

Fade.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 8th, 2008

Amy Adams

Vampire Weekend

None

None
Clinton Attack AdSummary: Hillary Clinton’s (Amy Poehler) latest attack ad gives a glimpse of the future to demonstrate the foibles of President Barack Obama at 3am.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Amy Adams’ MonologueSummary: Amy Adams brings Kristen Wiig onstage to demonstrate via song how alike their appearances are.

Bio: Amy Adams (1974-). Actress; Best Supporting Actress Academy Award nominee for “Junebug” (2005); as the star of “Enchanted” (2007), she performed its Academy Award-nominated song at the 80th annual Academy Awards ceremony.

Transcript

Mirror ImageSummary: Hailey Winters (Amy Adams) and her fat twin sister Hagley (Kristen Wiig) try to pass themselves off as one student when they enroll at a new school.

Transcript

Couples TherapySummary: Newlyweds Brian (Will Forte) and runaway Bagdana (Amy Poehler) are having marital difficulties because he still hasn’t fully signed all of her immigration papers.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Hero (Andy Samberg) sings about cleaning up the city before being repeatedly pummelled by a purse-snatcher (Jason Sudeikis).

Transcript

Fierce: The Hot Mess Make-Over ShowSummary: “Extreme Makeover” contestant Christian Siriano (Amy Poehler) has his own fashion show, and it’s filled with endless catchphrases.

Recurring Characters: Heidi Klum.

Transcript

Vampire Weekend performs “A-Punk”Bio: Indie rock/Afro-pop band; members are: Ezra Koenig, Rostam Batmanglij, Chris Tomson, Chris Baio.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Sen. Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) also seeks the Democratic nomination for the Presidency. Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.

Penelope at Traffic SchoolSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups fellow students while attending traffic school.

Recurring Characters: Penelope.

Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical FacilitySummary: Dr. Uncle Jimmy (Will Forte) half-excels in both barbecue and medical surgery.

Transcript

Roger Clemens PresentsSummary: Roger Clemens (Jason Sudeikis) has written a play that demonstrates the results of not letting baseball players use steroids.

Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

The Tookie Styles ShowSummary: Tookie Styles (Kenan Thompson) announces that his early 1980’s cable access show is now on DVD, and it features plenty of clips of political dignitaries dancing to Tookie’s hip-hop beat and nearly getting assassinated.

Vampire Weekend performs “M79”

CelebrationsSummary: A quartet of desperate women (Amy Adams, Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, Casey Wilson) perform a single dance move in varying speeds in order to impress men at a bar.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

WDHX NewsSummary: Field reporter (Amy Adams) reports live, via tape delay, where her desk anchors (Will Forte, Kristen Wiig) are unable to protect her from jungle creatures about to attack.

Note: This sketch was also cut from last week’s dress rehearsal, but will eventually air on the 2011-12 season premiere with Kristen Wiig assuming the role of the field reporter.

Hotel RoomSummary: Hotel employee (Amy Adams) informs an overnight guest (Jason Sudeikis) of the most opportune time and place to masturbate within the hotel.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Roger Clemens Presents

Roger Clemens…..Jason Sudeikis
Reporter…..Darrell Hammond
Skip…..Bill Hader
Matt Mulgrew…..Amy Adams
Player…..Kenan Thompson
Maury…..Fred Armisen
Salazar…..Amy Poehler
Timmy…..Andy Samberg
Doctor…..Will Forte

[Segment opens with mock “Masterpiece Theater”-type theme song, and a fancy but modified title caption reading “Roger Clemens Presents.” Clemens appears behind a black background, a la Alfred Hitchcock or Robert Montgomery, and looks kind of nervous as he prepares to narrate his first play.]

Roger Clemens: Good evening. I’m seven-time Cy Young Award Winner Roger Clemens. Recently I’ve been in the news due to a widening federal perjury probe that has both the FBI and the IRS giving me major red-ass. The whole thing has made me so angry, I’ve decided to write a play titled “Guess What, Dingbats; Steroids ARE Good for Baseball.” Yeah, I wrote a play, so shut up! Act one. Let’s do it.

[Claps his hands and walks off-screen signaling the start of the act. Black backgroud opens up to the office of a baseball team manager with portaits of his teams’s best players including Matt Mulgrew. The manager, nicknamed Skip is being interviewed by a sports reporter. The whole scene looks like a cheesy movie set during the “Golden Age” of Baseball]

Reporter: So, uh, how do you feel about the new season, Skip?

Skip: I feel great. We’ve got young pitching, we’ve got a deep bench. We’ve got Mulgrew.

Reporter: What about Matt Mulgrew? Your slugger’s been tied to steroids.

Skip: Ah, don’t worry about Matt Mulgrew.

[Reporter seem reassured. An un named player opens the manager’s door]

Player: Hey, Skip, Mulgrew’s here and I think there’s a problem.

Skip: Is something wrong? He’s not hurt is he?

Player: Uh, no he’s not hurt, but umm…

[Mulgrew himself walks in the office and much to our surprise he has shrunk to the size of a young girl.]

Matt Mulgrew: Good news, Skip. I’m off the juice.

[Fades to black, Clemens shows up]

Roger Clemens: End of act one. I know it’s a short act, but get off my back. It’s my FIRST PLAY! You get it so far? All the big fellas are gonna get scawny and weak… like those stat geeks nobody likes. Act two takes places from where act one left off. Let’s do it, come on.

[Clemens claps his hands and walks off-screen again. Black background lightens up to the same setting]

Skip: Mulgrew, I’d have to say you look scrawny and weak, like those stat geeks everybody hates. Is this gonna affect your performance?

Mulgrew: Nah, don’t worry. I’m still the same POWER-HOUSE!

[Maury, the batting coach walks in the door]

Maury: Hey, Skip.

Matt Mulgrew: Maury, hey!

Maury: Where’d the rest of you go?

Matt Mulgrew: Aw, whaddayou guys so worried about? Gimme da bat.

[Maury hands him the bat which proves to be so heavy for him he falls flat on his face. He get’s right back up, trying to keep his balance. Maury leaves as Skip brings Mulgrew to his desk]

Skip: Look, Mulgrew. I really need power from you this year.

Matt Mulgrew: Mm-hmm.

Skip: Steroid power. If things don’t change, I might have to bench you.

Matt Mulgrew: Well, now that I’m smaller uh, maybe I could play second.

Skip: Yeah, I have Salazar at second.

[Salazar opens the door, and sure enough, he too is now as scrawny as Mulgrew]

Salazar: [in bad hispanic accent] Did somebody call me?

Matt Mulgrew: Yo, Salazar!

[They high-five each other]

[Fades to black, Clemens shows up again]

Roger Clemens: End, SCENE! See what’s happening? Thanks to those nerds in Congress, like Henry Waxman, all your heroes are tiny and useless. Act three takes place in a hospital. And it’s a REAL TEAR-JERKER!

[Clemens walks off agaon. Black background fades to hospital setting. A sick “little” kid has an I.V. device and other medical equipment He lays there, coughing and wretching. Violin music plays in the background.]

Timmy: Mulgrew!

Matt Mulgrew: Hey, Timmy. Did you see the game today?

Timmy: No. Did you hit a home run for me like your promised?

Matt Mulgrew: I can’t hit home runs anymore, but uh, I walked twice and got to second on a throwing error.

[Timmy flatlines. A doctor approaches his bed]

Doctor: He’s gone.

Matt Mulgrew: [wooden] Doc, what happened?

Doctor: This kid died of a broken heart, because baseball sucks now, because of stats geeks no one likes.

Matt Mulgrew: [equally wooden] Nooooooooo!

[Mulgrew bows his head Background fades to black and Clemens shows up again crying this time]

Roger Clemens: The end. You happy now, Congress? You just killed a kid!

Voice: Calm down, Roger.

Roger Clemens: NO YOU CALM DOWN! I DON’T CALM DOWN, YOU CALM DOWN! I’M THE ROCKET!

Voice: This isn’t helping.

Roger Clemens: YOU’RE NOT HELPING! I AM MAD ALL THE TIME!

[fade]

Submitted by: Daniel Dey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

September 29th, 2007

LeBron James

Kanye West

None

Jake Gyllenhaal

Adam Levine

Lorne Michaels

John Lutz

An Address from the All-But-Certain-To-Be Next PresidentSummary: Smugly anticipating her party’s nomination and two-term election victory, Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) advances her acceptance speech.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

MontageNote: Amy Winehouse was originally scheduled as musical guest, but cancelled this and many other scheduled appearances late in the summer.

Note: Don Pardo’s microphone was turned low for most of the montage, and the technician who adjusted it can be heard talking.

LeBron James’ MonologueSummary: In a parody of his Nike commercial, LeBron James’ family members (LeBron James) critique his performance while watching “Saturday Night Live” at home.

Bio: LeBron James (1984-). Basketball player; small forward of the Cleveland Cavaliers; nicknamed “The Chosen One” by Sports Illustrated while still in high school.

Transcript

Angry DogSummary: The high-energy dog food that will transform any family pet into a canine killing machine.

Transcript

PenelopeSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups LeBron James during a date auction for the Children’s Hope Foundation.

Recurring Characters: Penelope.

High School Musical 3Summary: New student (LeBron James) on the basketball team is unwilling to join in on the singing until he realizes that it will enable him to get extra-friendly with a naked Gabriella Montez (Maya Rudolph).

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Iran So Far”, Andy Samberg performs an ode to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) with backing vocals by Jake Gyllenhaal and Adam Levine.

Recurring Characters: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

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Read to AchieveSummary: LeBron James’ attempts to star in a literacy PSA directed by Mike Underballs (Bill Hader) is interrupted by stagehand Jeff’s (Jason Sudeikis) antics.

Recurring Characters: Mike Underballs, Jeff.

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The Lyle Kane ShowSummary: Slow-witted white guy Lyle Kane (Will Forte) awkwardly hosts his own show on Black Entertainment Television.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Kane.

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Kanye West performs “Stronger/Good Life”First Performed: 05a.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: O.J. Simpson (Kenan Thompson) daftly explains his logic in stealing memorabilia that no longer belongs to him. Via translator (Maya Rudolph), Mahmoud Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) explains in great detail why homosexuality doesn’t exist in Iran.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson, Mahmoud Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

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Best of Solid GoldSummary: C. Micah Kring (Kenan Thompson) gushes over Time-Life’s new Best of Solid Gold collection which focuses on those Solid Gold Dancers (Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, Will Forte, LeBron James).

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TV FunhouseSummary: Following an extended absence, Rob Smigel brings back “The Ambigously Gay Duo.” In tonight’s episode, Big Head and Dr. Brainio host a fake barbecue with the hopes of framing Ace and Gary for a Port-o-Potty version of the Senator Craig scandal.

106 & ParkSummary: Terrence (Kenan Thompson) and Roxie (Maya Rudolph) question Kanye West about controversial awards show incidents he was recently involved in.

Recurring Characters: Dakota Fanning.

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Kanye West performs “Champion/Everything I Am”

Great Moments in Guidance CounselingSummary: In high school, LeBron James’ plans to go to college are scoffed at by the guidance counselor (Jason Sudeikis) who better advises he accept an NBA contract because college is for losers.

Note: Major camera snafus when Jason Sudeikis pulls his diploma from the wall. The camera shot turns black, then comes back on Will Forte with Sudeikis’ actions visible only in shadow behind Forte’s head.

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GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Veritas Ultrasound HDSummary: The high-tech ultrasound that features picture-in-picture technology that will bring tears to a new dad’s eyes.

Note: This ad parody will air on next week’s live broadcast.

MattressSummary: An angry customer (Jason Sudeikis) returns his Sealy Posturepedic mattress when it doesn’t contour to his shape.

LeBron’s EntourageSummary: LeBron James’ date (Amy Poehler) is discombobulated by the presence of his entourage (Kenan Thompson, Fred Armisen, Bill Hader) while they have dinner together.

Notre Dame Football on NBCNote: This ad parody will finally air on the episode hosted by Jon Bon Jovi.

SabotageSummary: Sabotage at the dentist’s office.

Old DaysSummary: While watching a football game, a couple of old men (LeBron James, Kenan Thompson) talk about how the game used to be played in the old days.

History’s Greatest Stories

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

106 & Park

Rocsi…..Maya Rudolph
Terrence…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kanye West
Dakota Fanning…..Amy Poehler
Drake…..Will Forte
Josh…..Jason Sudeikis
Presenter…..Bill Hader
George F. Smoot…..John Lutz
Mayor…..Will Forte
…..LeBron James
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on the “106 & Park” logo and graphics ]

[ dissolve to Terrence, Rocsi, and Kanye West on the set ]

Rocsi: Alright, alright, alright! Welcome back to “106 & Park”! I’m Rocsi — this is Terrence — and we’re here with Kanye West! [ audience cheers ] Alright. So, Kanye, we were talking earlier about some of the bad press you received for your behavior at awards shows.

Kanye West: Yeah?

Terrence: Well, you famously took the stage and protested the 2006 European Music Awards, and, at the VMA’s this year, cameras caught you backstage visibly upset that you hadn’t won.

Kanye West: Yeah?

Rocsi: So how do you defend yourself from claims that you’re a poor loser and a crybaby?

Kanye West: I mean — I’m not here to defend myself! I mean, it’s no offense to the other artists, but I’m just passionate about my music, and, really, those are just isolated incidents, and they — they’ve just been blown way out of proportion!

Terrence: [ scoffs ] Okay. BUt what about your appearance at the Kid’s Choice Awards this year?

Kanye West: I mean — I mean, that was NOTHIN’, dawg!

Rocsi: Alright, well, let’s show that clip.

[ dissolve to Dakota Fanning standing onstage at the Kid’s Choice Awards ]

Dakota Fanning: It’s so weird that they asked me, Dakota Fanning, to present the award for Best TV Show — because I don’t even OWN a TV! And the Kid’s Choice Award for Best TV Show is — [ opens the envelope ] “Drake & Josh”!

[ Drake & Josh step forward to claim their award. But so does Kanye West. ]

Kanye West: Hell, no! Aw, hell — yo! No disrespect, man, like — I don’t even — I haven’t seen your show, I don’t even WATCH Nickolodeon! But.. HOW.. the hell.. they not gonna give a Kid’s Choice Award to Kanye West?! How Kid’s gonna be taken seriously if they keep making bad choices?! I used to believe children were our future — but F–K that!!

[ Kanye grabs the award from Drake & Josh, then exits the stage ]

[ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]

Terrence: I — I don’t know. You seemed upset, Kanye.

Kanye West: I mean — I really deserved that Kid’s Choice Award!

Terrence: But it was for Best TV Show. You don’t have a TV show.

Kanye West: I AM the greatest show on Earth! And I want to apologize for that.

Rocsi: Okay. But do you think you’re the best scientist on Earth?

Kanye West: I mean — perhaps. You know, it’s not about the — the Nobel Peace Prize!

Terrence: Yeah, let’s roll the clip.

[ dissolve to the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony ]

Presenter: It is my.. distinct honor to present the Nobel Prize for Physics to John C. Mather and George F. Smoot.. for their discoveries in the cosmic microwave bac —

[ Suddenly, Kanye West jumps onstage ]

Kanye West: Oh, HELL no!! Who’s picking this, man?! How the hell the Nobel Pace Prize for PHYSICS gonna go to ANYBODY but me?! That’s ridiculous! My album went Gold in a day, babe! My album went Gold in a DAY!! [ to the two scientists ] I ain’t heard of NONE of y’all theories! But if the Nobel Peace Prize isn’t going to ME.. the Nobel Peace Prize LOSES.. credibi — [ a spliced-in expletice is bleeped out ]

[ Kanye runs off the stage ]

[ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]

Rocsi: Wow. So what happened there, Kanye?

Kanye West: I mean — you can’t trust the media. They edited that to make me look bad!

Terrence: Alright. Well, how do you explain your behavior at the Thistle Down County Fair last week?

Kanye West: I mean — I — I ain’t gonna hurt — that’s just wrongness!

Rocsi: Well, there was actually a camera there.

Kanye West: That’s freakin’ cameras!

Rocsi: Take a look at the tape!

[ dissolve to the NThistle Down County Fair ]

Mayor: And the Blue ribbon for Best Pumpkin goes to little Abigail Winters. [ hands the ribbon to the ltitle girl ] How old old are you, Abigail?

Little Girl: I’m eight years old.

Kanye West: Oh, heeeeellll no! [ he runs in carrying a pumpkin under his arms ] I got the best pumpkin! This pumpkin cost a MILLION dollars, man! [ hands it to the Mayor and lifts the top off ] It’s got champagne in it! How I lose to a eight year old?! [ grabs the ltitle girls’ ribbon ] You got a lot of years — you got a lot of years you can win this! I been doing this too long, man! I been doing this too long!

[ Kanye runs away from the scene ]

[ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]

Terrence: Wow. Damn, That’s pretty uncool, Kanye.

Kanye West: I mean — anybody with a trained eye can see that that was done with, uhh — computers. And, uhh — they CSI’ed me!

Terrence: You mean, CGI?

Kanye West: I mean, it doesn’t matter! I wasn’t there!

Terrence: Yes, but were you backstage at “Saturday Night Live” this weekend?

Kanye West: Of course I was!

Rocsi: Then, can you explain this?

[ dissolve to Kanye West frantically pacing in his dressing room at “Saturday Night Live” ]

Kanye West: Man, HOW they gonna have me on “Saturday Night Live” and I ain’t gonna host, man?! Seriously, man?! How they gonna have LeBron James over ME, man?! I’m TEN times the performer, man! Man, give a black man — give a SHORT black man a chance, man! [ he starts cursing about Lorne Michaels and throws furniture around his dressing room ]

[ pan across to reveal LeBron James and Lorne Michaels standing in the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: I’m sure he’s talking about a different LeBron James.

LeBron James: Uh — and Im’ sure he’s talking about a different Lorne Michaels.

Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] No. There’s — there’s only one Lorne Michaels.

[ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]

Terrence: Uh — Kanye? Did you say those things?

Kanye West: [ almost speechless ] I — I wouldn’t trust the media!

Rocsi: Okay, well, we’re gonna take a little break, and wehen w come back on “106 & Park”, more screamiiiiiiiinggg!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

An Address from the All-But-Certain-To-Be Next President

Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Presidential seal with modified text ]

Announcer: The following is an address from the all-but-certain-to-be next President of the United States — Hillary Rodham Clinton.

[ dissolve to Bill Clinton sitting in a chair pretending to read a book, as Hillary enters frame ]

Hillary Clinton: Bill?

Bill Clinton: [ feigning surprise ] Oh! I’m sorry. Is this, uh, not a good place to read?

Hillary Clinton: Actually, I was about to start.

Bill Clinton: Okay. Yeah. Sure, of course — of course you were.

[ ever the camera hog, Bill lingers on the edge of the frame until a dirty look from Hillary makes him leave completely ]

Hillary Clinton: [ smiles to the camera ] Good evening, my fellow Americans. A little more than a year from now, you, the American people, will go to the polls and elect me President of the United States. I want you to know I will be humbled and honored by the trust you have placed in me. To my as-yet-undetermined Republican opponent — the candidate I will have defeated — I want to compliment you — whoever you turn out to be — in advance, on running what I am sure will have been an honorable, albeit losing campaign. A campaign in which you, no doubt, have raised important issues. Issues that, unfortunately, will have gone largely unnoticed, since virtually everyone will assume — correctly, as it turns out — that you have no chance in winning.

And now, a word to my seven fellow Democratic candidates for president — thos I am about to defeat for our party’s nomination. I have so admired the pluck and determination all of you have displayed, in what I imagine, for you, must be an awfully discouraging campaign.

[ picture of Barack Obama appears ] You, Barack Obama, with your almost childlike faith in people’s basic decency, and your near total lack of experience in government.

[ picture of Chris Dodd appears ] And you, Chris Dodd, whose campaign fundraising efforts I have worked so hard to sabotage, often with violence or threats of violence.

[ picture of Joe Biden appears ] And you, Joe Biden, with those obvious plugs you seem to think no one notices. They are so very enormous, and so very endearing.

[ picture of Bill Richardson appears ] And you, Bill Richardson, whom I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting, but understand are part Colombian, or Mexican, or something.

[ picture of Mike Gravel appears ] And you, Mike Gravel, you dear, dear crazy old man.

[ picture of John Edwards appears ] And you, John Edwards, you phony, two-faced, ambulance-chasing little rat bastard.

[ picture of Dennis Kucinich appears ] And finally — my sweet, teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy miniature friend, Dennis Kucinich. Somehow, I think I’ll miss you most of all.

Now, in 2016, when I will have completed my second term as President, and will, thus, be ineligible to run again — unless, of course, the laws change. And it really is a strange law. [ laughs ]

Bill Clinton: [ jumps in ] I totally agree! That law makes absolutely no sense in the 21st Century!

Hillary Clinton: Bill.

Bill Clinton: What? I’m agreeing! [ waves to the camera ] Hey.

Hillary Clinton: In any case — in any case, should I be unable to run again in 2016, and should one or all of you, my former fellow candidates, then decide to make a second — this time, more realistic bid at the White House — well, I think that would be just super! Who knows? 2016 could finally be your year to shine. And I believe that any one of you would make a very, very good president. I really do! And, should that happen, know that Bill and I will be pulling for you, from our new positions as, respectively, the United Nations Secretary General and Pope. Watching fondly as you finally spread your wings and fly. But that’s 2016. Should I not have an opportunity to speak with any of you before then, I wish you al the best. And, rest assured, each of you, plus one guest, will have a seat in the rear of the grandstand at my 2009 and 2013 inaugurals. Seats which I hope, but cannot absolutely guarantee, will not be obstructed by a column.

God bless you all, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Great Moments in Guidance Counseling

…..LeBron James
Larry Baines…..Jason Sudeikis
Glenn…..Will Forte

[ open on title on a sheet in a three-ring binder ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of: “Great Moments in Guidance Counseling.”

[ dissolve to close-up of the faculty page in a high school yearbook ]

Narrator: January, 2003. Larry Baines, guidance counselor at St. Vincent-St. Mary High School in Akron, Ohio, had a meeting with a student that’s still talked about amongst guidance counselors to this day.

[ dissolve to Mr. Baines’ office, as student LeBron James enters ]

LeBron James: Hi, Mr. Baines.

Larry Baines: [ beaming ] Heeeeyyyy! LeBron! [ they shake hands ] Take a seat, take a seat! [ chuckles as they both sit ] Hey — so, uh, what’d you want to talk to me about?

LeBron James: Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about my future —

Larry Baines: Good, good, good! Well, you came to the right guy! What’s on your mind?

LeBron James: Well, I’ve been told if I’m cleared for the NBA, I’d be the number-one draft pick.

Larry Baines: [ impressed ] Hey, wow! That’s fantastic news!

LeBron James: But I’ve been giving it a lot of thought now, and I’ve decided I want to go to college.

Larry Baines: [ stunned ] I’m sorry — what?!

LeBron James: [ proudly ] I’m going to go to college!

Larry Baines: Okay, okay — uh — you know, LeBron — college might not be the right path for you, right?

LeBron James: [ confused ] I thought you would be happy?

Larry Baines: Well, you know, LeBron — do you know what a contract in the NBA is worth? You know, I — I mean, it would take one-thousand of me, uh — one-thousand years just to make your signing bonus!

LeBron James: But you’ve always talked about the importance of a college scholarship.

Larry Baines: Okay, alright, well, uh — uh — I mean, do you know who has a college education, LeBron? [ a beat ] I do! [ laughs ] I mean, you know — LOOK at me! My shirt doesn’t have long sleeves — you know, I make my own lunch — you know, I share an office with Glenn —

[ a wide shot suddenly reveals Glenn seated at an adjacent desk ]

Glenn: Don’t say it like that..

Larry Baines: Shut up, Glenn!

LeBron James: But — I’ve always dreamed of getting a diploma.

Larry Baines: What? Oh, you want a diploma? Oh, well, here! [ he stands and pulls his diploma off the wall ] There you go! I’ll sell you mine! POW!! There you go, that’ll be one million dollars! [ laughs ] Now you only have two-hundred million bucks left!

LeBron James: But won’t I be ashamed to work with the people who went to college?

Larry Baines: What? Okay, well, you know how you get over that? You DUNK on ’em! You just take a basketball, you dunk it right on their heads! Then you put your arms up and you say, “I guess they didn’t teach you how to stop LeBron James in college — BITCH!!”

Glenn: Larry! Language.

Larry Baines: Glenn! SHUT UP!! [ turns back to LeBron ] LeBron, listen to me — I drive a ’93 Corolla. Okay? When I go over 50, the glove compartment pops open. Now, I went to college for four years — FOUR years, LeBron. And I have no idea how to make a glove compartment stay shut. So you know what I have to do? I have to take it to a shop, where a fuy — who didn’t go to college — says he can fix it for four-hundred dollars! You know what that makes me want to do, LeBron? It makes me want to og back to my college, and burn it to the ground.

LeBron James: Wow, Mr. Baines.

Larry Baines: Yeah.. yeah. Don’t go to — don’t go to college! No, you don’t know something — just Google it!

LeBron James: [ smiles ] Thanks, Mr. Baines!

Larry Baines: Absolutely! [ LeBron stands ] Get out of here, you knucklehead! Alright! [ laughs ]

[ LeBron exits the office. ]

Glenn: You know, I find that, uh, duct tape does a pretty good job of keeping my glove compartment shut —

Larry Baines: Glenn, I swear to God — I swear to God, Glenn.

[ Larry returns to his work as Glenn just nods in defeat ]

[ quiet fade ]

SNL Transcripts