Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 18

06r: Scarlett Johansson / Bjork

Mike’s Marbleopolis

Mike…..Fred Armisen
Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
Husband…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife….Amy Poehler
Lexie…..Scarlett Johansson

[ open on a stage filled with various shapes of marble columns, as Mike steps into frame ]

Mike: Mawble cawlums! [ runs his hands up a marble column ] Elegant, sturdy, and bursting with class! Nothing says “I’ve got money and power!” like a mawble cawlum! How do I know? Because I’ve been selling mawble cawlums to rich people for over TEN YEARS! I’m talkin’ MILLIONAIRES! With mawble cawlums in your house, that place is gonna look like a MANSION! Transform your living room!

[ cut to photo of three marble columns separating spaces within a living room ]

Mike V/O: The bathroom!

[ cut to photo of three marble columns separating spaces within a bathroom ]

Mike V/O: Even your driveway!

[ cut to photo of five marble columns surrounding a driveway ]

[ cut back to Mike ]

Mike: How much you wanna bet the car pullin’ up to that driveway is a ROLLS-ROYCE?! You GOTTA get yourself some.. mawble cawlums!!

[ cut to black man eating breakfast at a small table in a modest-looking kitchen ]

Mike V/O: You like eating breakfast?

[ Black Man nods his head, as two marble columns suddenly surround his chair ]

Mike V/O: How about eating breakfast in a kitchen with mawble cawlums? Ooh-la-la! Now, that’s a fancy meal!

[ cut to couple lying in bed, ignoring one another in favor of reading material ]

Mike V/O: Could you use a little help in the bedroom department?

[ the couple nods, as a marble column materializes at the foot of their bed ]

Mike V/O: Try some mawble cawlums! [ the lights dim, as the couple begins making love under the sheets ] you’ll be goin’ at it like the King and Queen of France!

[ cut back to Mike ]

Mike: Ya’ GOTTA get yourself some.. mawble cawlums!! You don’t believe me? Just ask my daughter Lexie!

[ cut to Lexie standing in front of four screens with rotating images of marble columns ]

Lexie: Look at dese cawlums! [ randomly points in the directions of the screens behind her ] Look at dis one, look at dat one. Can you believe it? You can stick dese dings EVERYWHERE! Dey make your house look like a PALACE! Like a CASTLE! People are gonna look at your house and go, “Who lives dere? The Pope?!” “What is dat? The Playboy Mansion?” It’s ridiculous! Imagine going up to your house and seein’ dese and goin’, “Oh, my God! I live here!” [ randomly points in the directions of the screens behind her ] How nuts would it be to own dis one, or dat one? Dis one, or DAT one! [ poses and smiles ]

[ cut back to Mike ]

Mike: [ smiling ] Yeah! Yeah! Ya’ GOTTA get yourself some mawble cawlums!! The Romans had ’em — and they didn’t do too bad, right? Hey, you know what? Take a good look at the White House! Notice anything classy on the porch? CAWLUMS!! So, come on down to Mike’s Marbleopolis, and get yourself some CAWLUMS!!

[ cut to exterior, Mike’s Marbleopolis, a high-class mini-mall location with endless marble columns standing inside. Older model cars are parked in front. ]

Jingle:
Mike’s Marbleopolis!
2941 Central Avenue in Lynbrook!

[ bubble appears in lower left corner, Mike and Lexie facing forward ]

Together: Ya GOTTA get yourself some mawble columns!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 18

06r: Scarlett Johansson / Bjork

An SNL Digital Short: Roy Rules!

…..Andy Samberg
Roy…..Bryan Tucker

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ image of Andy Samberg standing before a brick wall zooms forward ]

Andy Samberg: [ rapping ]
“Did you notice there’s over a million people in the world?
There’s over a million in New York alone!
But the only one I’m into — is my brother-in-law, Roy!”

[ quick pan to a bored-looking guy sitting on a couch, as 80’s heavy-metal font spins onto the screen: “Roy Rules!” ]

Andy Samberg: [ rapping ]
“Roy Rules!”

[ Andy points to his sister ] “He’s married to my sister!”
[ Andy points to roy and niece watching cartoons ] “He wakes up in the morning, watching “Dora” with my niece!”
[ Roy eats a banana ] “And then macks on ba-na-nas!”

[ Andy peeks into the bathroom, as Roy shuts the door ] “Roy Rules!!”

[ Roy runs on treadmil ] “He works out in the morn-ing!”
[ Roy does crunches on the floor ] “He runs in the park, and he does a bunch of crunch-es, so he’s got a kill-er bod-ay!”

Andy Samberg: [ spoken ]
“I’m so glad my sister married Roy!
He gets along great with the entire family!
He’s hard-working, he’s great with kids —
Oh, and also?
I want to have SEX with Roy!”

“Roy Rules!”

“I’d really like to taste him!
We’ll take off our pants, and wail on each other,
Throw his marriage license in the waste bin!”

Andy Samberg: [ spoken ]
“Now, don’t get me wrong — I’m not into Roy sexually. He’s my sister’s husband! Still, though — if me and Roy did hook up, it would be a 24/7/69!”

“Roy Rules!!”

[ Andy stands next to Roy’s cubicle ] “He works in an off-ice!

I’ve got this theory, he was put on this Earth, ta give men succulent rubb downz!”

[ Andy on keyboard ] “Roy, won’t you go.. with.. me..??”

“Roy Rules!!”

“He loves wearing T-shirts!
But in my dreams, he’s dressed like a pirate, and my DONG is his PEG LEG!”

Andy Samberg: So, there you have it — a song about my real-life brother-in-law, Roy. Just so you know, the dude in this video wasn’t the actual Roy. [ photo insert appears ] This is the actual Roy! So I think you see where I’m coming from. Oh, and, Roy? Next time I see you, don’t be all weird about this. You KNEW what you were getting into! Peace!

[ SUPER: “Roy Rules!” ]

[ image freezes, then fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 18


]]>

06r: Scarlett Johansson / Bjork

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
…..Will Forte
…..Fred Arisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers. And here are tonight’s top stories:

Embattled World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz said, Sunday, that he will not resign over the scandal in which he secured a pay raise for his girlfriend. That’s one thing you have to admire about Wolfowitz: he’s a total douche.

The French newspaper, Le Monde, said on Sunday that French Secret Service produced nine reports between September 2000 and August 2001 looking at the Al Qaeda threat to the U.S., and knew it planned to hijack an aircraft. Although, not to brag, but, you know, so did we!

Amy Poehler: Sunday is Earth Day. So suck it, Neptune! Yeah, I hate you, Neptune!

Monday’s Boston Marathon was won by Kenyan Robert Cheruiyot, while the Kenyan Marathon was won by American Don Smith.

Hip hop producer Damon Dash is suing his accountant over mishandled tax returns. Apparently, under “Dependents”, he listed “All da shorties in da house.”

Seth Meyers; Woolworth’s has been forced to scarp their line of Will & Kate souveniers, after Prince William and his girlfriend, Kate Middleton, broke up. This comes as a surprise to many who thought Woolworth’s went out of business a hundred years ago.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin announced plans for a lottery that would send its winner into space, in a bid to spread the dream of space travel beyond the super-wealthy — to one other person.

In the wake of his disastrous performance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Wednesday, Attoeny General Alberto Gonzalezmaintains that he still won’t resign. Which brings us to our segment, called “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”

[ fade in and out on graphic ]

Really, Alberto Gonzalez? You’re not going to resign? Because you really should resign. During the hearings, you said “I don’t remember” or “I don’t recall” over fifty times. Don’t lawyers need to have good memories? I mean, how do you cite precedent? “Your Honor, may I remind you of the cae of What’s-His-Name and the guy with the hat? I’d rather have the guy from “Momento” as a lawyer. My Commodore-64 has more memory than you, and it runs on bong water. Really.

Amy Poehler: Really. And you say you prepared for this hearing for a month? But you didn’t think to prepare answers for “Why were they fired?” Or: “Who decided they should be fired?” That’s the equivalent of not only getting your name wrong on the SATs, but walking up to the old lady who runs the test and punching her in the face. Really.

Seth Meyers: And, really, Alberto. Even the most ocnservative senators think you should resign. Sam Brownback thinks you should resign, and he’s so conservative he thinks watching “Will & Grace” gives you AIDS. Really.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Really.

Seth Meyers: Really.

Amy Poehler: Really. Really, President Bush? You think it went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales’ testimony was that he didn’t use the word “Nappy,” and he remembered to wear pants.

Seth Meyers: Really. But, Alberto, don’t get too down, because there’s an upside to all of this: by tomorrow, you will forget it ever happened! Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Huh!

Seth Meyers: Huh!

Amy Poehler: Wow!

[ show graphic ]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”

[ return to news desk ]

Amy Poehler: A new trend in New York City is Cuddle Parties. Which are drug- and alcohol-free environments where people meet to explore communication, boundaries, and touch. Some of you may know these parties by their original name: The Subway.

It was reported that New York mayor Mike Bloomberg is considering the controversial idea of congestion pricing, which involves charging motorists for entering the most heavily-trafficked parts of the city. Specifically: muh pants!

[ Amy and Seth high-five one another ]

Seth Meyers: A New York City planning subcommittee has opposed a permit for the annual San Gennaro Festival in Little Italy, saying the street fair is to raucous and an inconvenience for residents. [ touches his ear ] This just in: The New York City Planning Subcommittee is missing.

Christie’s Auction House has sold a prehistoric mammoth skeleton for a record $421,000. The buyer? You guesed it: Bartholemew, the world’s richest dog.

Amy Poehler: A Japanese man was sentenced to twenty-one months in jail for smuggling rare butterflies in the U.S. Though, if he’s smart, he’ll come up with a better story for his cellmate.

Officials say they grew suspicious after they noticed the man farting colors.

A new fragrance will launch this summer called Coney Island. It will have a combination of smells, including margarita mix, chocolate and caramel, hot dogs, fish, egg shells, needles, Russia, Stephon Marbury, the bearded lady, and murder.

Seth Meyers: NBC and “Law & Order” producer Dick Wolf are in negotiations to cut costs for the long-running series, to justify keeping the show on the air another season. As a result, next season the show will just be called “Law.” [ the “Law & Order” transition sound effect plays ]

This week, doctors in New York used a new surgical technique to remove a woman’s glal bladder through her vagina. The woman was gracious to the doctor for the surgery, but did want to point out she’d only gone in for a flu shot.

Amy Poehler: As I mentioned earlier, tomorrow is Earth Day, a time to focus on things everyone can do to help the planet. Here with some suggestions, is our own Will Forte.

Will Forte: I’m a hige supporter of the environment, but even I do small things every day, without even noticing, that hurt the planet. And, so, tonight I thought I’d like to apologize to Mother Earth and promise her that I will try to do a better job. Uh, so I’ve written a song, uh — Fred? Some help, please? [ Fred Armisen, holding a guitar, appears next to Will ] Fred’s gonna play the guitar. Uh, this song is called “An Open Apology to Mother Earth.”

[ Fred strums the guitar, as Will sings: ]

“I admit I have not been recycling
In fact, I’ve been openly encouraging people to be wasteful.
I often go to other people’s recycling bins
and throw them into the regular trash.

I own thirty stretch-limosine Hummers
And I keep them all running, even when I am sleeping.
And I always dump my unused paint
directly into the ocean.

And I’m truly sorry, because —

Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet!
Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet!
Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful planet!
I’m gonna be a better boyfriend to you!

I thought car pools were for pussies
And satiable energy was for jerk-offs.
Organics farmers can eat my synthetic panties
And baby seals can go straight to hell.

Now, as for “An Inconvenient Truth”
I thought that that was a veritable movie suck fest.
And a much more representative look at our planet
Can be seen in the John Travolta masterpiece, “Battlefield Earth.”

“Battlefield Earth”, you’re a wonderful, wonderful movie
“Battlefield Earth”, you’re a wonderful, wonderful movie
“Battlefield Earth”, you’re a wonderful, wonderful movie
And I think I’m going to rent you tonight
Oh, tonight! Tonight! Ohhh, tonight! C’mon, tonight! Tonight!”

[ spoken ] Look, you want to fix this? Here’s what we do, okay? I want everyone — you in the audience, and the over 200 million people watching at home! You go out, and rent “Battlefield Earth” toooo-ni-i-i-ight! Tonight! And then, throw it into the trash! And when all the landfills all over the world are overflowing with copies of “Battlefield Earth”, somebody, somewhere, will be forced to do something about it! See, we’ve done it! The world is healed! But don’t do it for me. Do it for:

[ resumes singing ]

“Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet!
Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet!
Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet!
With the world’s help, we will save you tonight!”

[ Will starts to break out into a second song, but Amy interrupts ]

Amy Poehler: Okay, okay, okay! Will Forte. That’s good enough. Only one song tonight, one song tonight.

Will Forte: [ resumes singing his first song: ]”Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet!
Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet –!”

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 18

06r: Scarlett Johansson / Bjork

WIIX News

Gil…..Jason Sudeikis
Michelle Dison…..Kristen Wiig
Bonnie Cox…..Scarlett Johansson

Gil: Well, it looks like we’re gonna have beautiful weather for the antique car show. [Cackles for no good reason and nods to the side to whoever got that joke]… And now I’m happy to announce the return of one of our favorite correspondents. She took a leave of absence for about six months and now she’s back and we’re just… so pleased, Michelle Dison. Good to see you, Michelle.

Michelle Dison: Hi, Gil. Nice to see you. Thank you. First off let me say, I am so happy to be back doing my favorite segment, Around the Town . And today, Gil, we are going to meet a real hero. As Marty reported earlier there was a fire at the Cedar Brook Apartments on East Elm just a few hours ago and the residents here are thanking one very special individual for warning them of the blaze, leading to a safe escape for all. Oh, and here she is, Bonnie Cox. Bonnie?

Bonnie Cox: Oh my God. Am I really on TV? [Looks her up and down] I, I should’ve done something with my hair. I, I didn’t exactly have any time today, you know, with the fire and all so.

Michelle Dison: [Staring dreamily] Oh, sorry, where did I go?… No, uh y y your hair looks great. You, you look great [points]…. So, so, um… So-so Bonnie, how does it feel to uh, to be a hero?

Bonnie Cox: Oh, no, I wouldn’t really call myself a hero necessarily.

Michelle Dison: Well I’ve been talking to a lot of your neighbors and that’s exactly [points] what they’re calling you. Now, Bonnie… I’m sorry, can I interrupt myself here? Um… [Finger point] You. Are. Stunning. [Holds microphone out]

Bonnie Cox: Thank you.

Michelle Dison: Uh your, your face, uh your skin, it’s like a doll. You’re like a doll, a doll that I would buy. [Giggle] And I don’t even buy dolls, but I’d want you. No, I’m not saying that I want you… but if you were a doll I would want a you doll… uh for my doll collection, which I would immediately start. [Giggles coyly and holds microphone out]

Bonnie Cox: Um.

Michelle Dison: So, uh Bonnie this, this was a very dangerous fire and you saved a lot of lives today.

Bonnie Cox: Well I just, I reacted like anyone would.

Michelle Dison: No, believe me, you are not like anyone who have reacted would. [Holds microphone out]

Bonnie Cox: Uh, I’m sorry, was that a question?

Michelle Dison: Ah… [Giggles] Bonnie…. [Giggles and points] Hilarious hero alert! And… Sexy…. [Shrugs and holds microphone out] Uh, uh so-so Bonnie, walk us through uh, what happened the moment you realized the building was on fire.

Bonnie Cox: Um. Okay, well I was getting ready to go to the gym.

Michelle Dison: Of course you were. [Nodding and looking at her body]

Bonnie Cox: And um, I smelled smoke so I ran into my kitchen because I thought it might be coming from my apartment and then I realized that it was coming from the hallway [totally checking her out] um, so I immediately just started pounding on my neighbor’s doors.

Michelle Dison: That is incredible. You know what else is incredible? [arm swing]..uh incredibly.. host.. close to here where we could go after this [arm swing] uh, is The Old Spaghetti Factory. [Giggles] So that’s [Finger point] where we could go um after this. Together. [Holds mic out].

Bonnie Cox: What?

Michelle Dison: Uh, it it it’s just right down the street and I am starving and you said you like spaghetti, right? [holds mic out]

Bonnie Cox: I don’t know what’s going on.

Michelle Dison: You’ve got it going on! [Giggle and point]…. Anyway…..

Gil: [Cut to Gil’s face eyes back and forth, frozen] Uh, Bonnie, do they have any idea how this fire might’ve started?

Bonnie Cox: Um, well I just talked to the fire chief and he said it was most likely due to an electrical fire.

Michelle Dison: I know how it got started [points up]. Uh, I read this somewhere, this is true. Do you know what the leading cause of apartment fires is? Heh, Her Body [points at her]. No… what am I, what am I saying?

Bonnie Cox: Um, I’m I’m gonna go get….

Michelle Dison: …Get changed for our spaghetti dinner? Who said that?? Uh, no, it’s very casual. Um, have you, have you been to the The Old Spaghetti Factory? Uh, I mean you can, you can wear what you’re wearing. My ex-husband and I used to go there a lot. Um, have you been to the The Old Spaghetti Factory, Gil?

[Cut to Gil’s face: blinks in silence]

Michelle Dison: Okay. Uh, I’m sorry. That was weird. Like you and I are gonna go to The Old Spaghetti Factory together. That’s crazy. I’m sorry I don’t know what’s got into me I guess, I’m hungry, I guess. Um, uh, I guess, so, one more question, if you don’t mind, about the fire, um do you, um do you like cruises [swaying like a young girl in a dress]? Bonnie, because I, I heard Carnival Cruise lines they have this package for, for two people. It’s quite a deal. Uh, my treat obviously. Gonna be just like The Old Spaghetti Factory would be my..….

Bonnie Cox: …Um, I I’m sorry, I hope this doesn’t come out sounding mean, but I, I don’t know how to ask it any other way: is there something wrong with you?

Michelle Dison: Oh, oh – do you wanna talk about that now instead of at The Old Spaghetti Factory?

Bonnie Cox: I’m, no. No, I I I’mmmmm allergic to spaghetti.

Michelle Dison: Oh, they have chicken.

Bonnie Cox: You, you have been very inappropriate and have made me feel very uncomfortable. And I’m gonna leave now. [Totally checks her out as she’s walking away]

Michelle Dison: Uh, Gil?

Gil: Yeah, Michelle.

Michelle Dison: So I, I should… I should take some more time off?

Gil: Yeah.

Michelle Dison: Okay.

Cat: Mrow. [Cat comes outta no where and mauls her in the face. And then you see the pole they used to make the cat airborne…] Reeeer.

Gil: Well, that was embarrassing. You are welcome youtube. We’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Ms. Galen Gregor

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 12th, 2007

Molly Shannon

Linkin Park

None

Lorne Michaels

American IdolSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) auditions on “American Idol.”

Recurring Characters: Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Transcript

Montage

Molly Shannon’s MonologueSummary: Molly Shannon flashes back to the 1990’s, when she had a schoolgirl crush on Lorne Michaels.

Transcript

UrigroSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) discusses the renwed vigor of his urine stream.

Note: Repeat from 01/20/07.

PenelopeSummary: Newcomer Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups fellow apartment dwellers at their tenant meeting.

Recurring Characters: Penelope.

Transcript

Decision ’08: The Fringe Candidates DebateSummary: Don Rather (Darrell Hammond) moderates a debate between of unlikely Democratic candidate-hopefuls.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather, Tony Blair, Dennis Kucinich.

Transcript

The SopranosSummary: Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) auditions to be a stripper at the Bada Bing! club.

Recurring Characters: Sally O’Malley.

Transcript

Linkin Park performs “What I’ve Done”Bio: Alternative rock/metal band from California; members: Chester Bennington, Rob Bourdon, Brad Delson, David “Phoenix” Farrell, Joe Hahn, Mike Shinoda.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Female comic Jeannie Darcy (Molly Shannon) performs as part of Weekend Update’s Comedy Cul-de-Sac. Blind cooking champion Pep Walters (Fred Armisen) attempts to give a barbecue demonstration. Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers debate the usage of the word “panties” in their What’s in a Word? segment.

Recurring Characters: Jeannie Darcy, Pep Walters.

Transcript

KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) and her mother (Molly Shannon) visit a nursing home.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin.

Macgruber ISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) decides to Hell with the bomb and prepares a Bloody Mary instead.

Recurring Characters: Macgruber, Casey.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s “Tales from the Greatest Generation” showcase the rough life of Big-Boobed Einstein.

The Oak RoomSummary: Charli Coffee (Maya Rudolph) and her friend Toni Carlisle (Molly Shannon) perform at the Oak Room.

Recurring Characters: Charli Coffee.

Macgruber IISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) decides to Hell with the bomb and plays an acoustic version of his theme song instead.

Recurring Characters: Macgruber, Casey.

Transcript

Linkin Park performs “Bleed It Out”

Trump SteaksSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) hawks the world’s greatest steaks.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Melonia Trump.

Macgruber IIISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) decides to Hell with the bomb and rambles incoherently instead.

Recurring Characters: Macgruber.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Pull My FingerSummary: A man’s (Will Forte) “pull my finger” gag goes horribly awry when his friend (Andy Samberg) accidentally pulls that finger out of joint.

The BachelorSummary: The Bachelor (Jason Sudeikis) pays the price when he turns down a witch (Molly Shannon).

Sexual PleasuresSummary: Molly Shannon and Fred Armisen can’t get Kristen Wiig to open up.

PowerpointSummary: A Powerpoint presentation is a hit until the ocmputer freezes on the song “I Like to Move.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

Decision ’08: The Fringe Candidates Debate

Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond
Eleanor Hatch…..Kristen Wiig
Trudy Westmoreland…..Molly Shannon
Larry Budge…..Will Forte
Aseeb Narzef…..Fred Armisen
Blaine Goodbody…..Jason Sudeikis
Dennis Kucinich…..Amy Poehler
Lord Simon Frothingham…..Andy Samberg
Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson…..Maya Rudolph
Tony Blair…..Bill Hader
Rev. Hershel P. Chocula…..Kenan Thompson

[ title graphics swirl across the screen ]

Announcer: NBC News Decision 2008 special. The Fringe Candidates Debate. And now, your host and moderator — Dan Rather.

[ Exterior: Sarah Lawrence College, night ]

Dan Rather: Good evening. I’m Dan Rather. I’d like to begin by thanking my current employer, HDNet, for allowing me to moderate this exciting event. HDNet. If you just bought an HD-TV, and you want to make sure it’s working properly, we’re the channel for you.

Two weeks ago, Brian Williams introduced us to the Democratic candidates. Last week, it was Chris Matthews and the Republicans. And now, tonight, in what I can only interpret as a confirmation of the winding-down of my previously-distinguished career, it’s my honor to introduce you to the Fringe Candidates.

[ show: Eleanor Hatch ]

First: from the New Revolutionary PETA Party, a radical breakaway faction of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Eleanor Hatch.

Eleanor Hatch: Animals are smarter than people!

[ show: Trudy Westmoreland ]

Dan Rather: From the New American Nazi Party, Trudy Westmoreland.

Trudy Westmoreland: Thank you so much for having me, Dan! I’m just so excited to be here — [ waves ] Heil Hitler!

[ show: Larry Budge ]

Dan Rather: From NAMBLA, Larry Budge.

Larry Budge: [ in as suave a manner as possible ] Hi, there.

[ show: Aseeb Narzef ]

Dan Rather: Also, from the Taliban, Aseeb Narzef.

Aseeb Narzef: The pleasure is mine!

[ show: Blaine Goodbody ]

Dan Rather: From the Dance Party, Blaine Goodbody.

Blaine Goodbody: [ busts a dance move to beat music ]

[ show: Dennis Kucinich ]

Dan Rather: From the Democratic Party, Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich.

Dennis Kucinich: [ smiles widely ]

[ show: Lord Simon Frothingham ]

Dan Rather: From the Whig Party, Lord Simon Frothingham.

Lord Simon Frothingham: Good day to you, sir!

[ show: Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson ]

Dan Rather: And from the Wig Party, Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson.

Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: Wait a minute, they’s TWO wig parties?? Uh-uh! That ain’t right!

I can explain, Madam! My Whig has an “H” in it!

Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: Mmm? Well, my wig’s got a CRUISE SHIP in it! So you’d best step up your game, Ben Franklin!

[ show: Tony Blair ]

Dan Rather: From the Labour Party, British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

Tony Blair: [ smiles widely ] Hello!

[ show: Rev. Hershel P. Chocula ]

Dan Rather: And, finally, from the Black Vampire Party, the Rev. Hershel P. Chocula.

Rev. Hershel P. Chocula: Good evening.

Dan Rather: Not since the Houston Asylum Fire of ’54 have I seen so many flaming crazies. Now, for many of you, the biggest hurdle is overcoming the negative connotations associated with your parties. Mr. Budge, let’s start with you. To most people, NAMBLA means a lot of dispicable things. How do you intend to overcome NAMBLA’s image problem?

Larry Budge: Well, first of all, I don’t think NAMBLA means what you think it means?

Dan Rather: North American Man-Boy Association?

Larry Budge: [ stung ] I stand corrected. It does mean what you think it means.

Trudy Westmoreland: Listen, if I can just step in, Dan. I know that the word [ makes quotes sign ] “Nazi” conjures up a lot of negative images, but this is the new Nazi Party, where we’re no longer focused on a culture of hate. We’re focused on the issues that really matter, like the economy, the media, finance — you know, Jew stuff.

Aseeb Narzef: Yes. Yes. I want to applaud my colleague’s position, Dan, while also adding: she spoke out of turn, and should be stoned to death!

Dan Rather: Well, things are officially battier than the memorabilia in Adam West’s garage. Iraq continues to be a hot-button topic of these debates. Congressman Kucinich.. where do you stand?

Dennis Kucinich: Well, as you know, Dan, I laid out my Iraq plan very clearly in last month’s Democratic debate.

Dan Rather: [ surprised ] You were at the Democratic debate?

Dennis Kucinich: Yes, Dan. I was.

Dan Rather: [ thinking back ] Were you in the audience?

Dennis Kucinich: [ his smile waning ] No. I was participating.

Dan Rather: From the stage?

Dennis Kucinich: Yep.

Dan Rather: You sure you weren’t there as a prank, or some kind of mascot?

Dennis Kucinich: Dan, I’m a congressman.

Dan Rather: I’m sorry. I assumed that “Congressman” was your first name.

Rev. Hershel P. Chocula: Uh — Dan? If I may interject. I’m the only candidate here with a plan to end this war. As President, I will see to it that not one more drop of blood is spilled in Iraq!

Dan Rather: How?

Rev. Hershel P. Chocula: By spilling it here in my mouth! [ laughs ]

Dan Rather: Alright. You got me on that one, and you got me good. I feel as silly as a steer in a sperm bank. [ the candidates stare blankly at Dan ] And, for those of you who might not know it, a steer is an ox that’s been castrated. [ more blank stares ] Soooo, you see, a steer would feel pretty silly at a sperm bank.

Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: [ starts laughing uproariously ] Whooooo!! I get it, Dan Rather! Whooooo!!

Dan Rather: [ fights his own smile ] Blaine? Many don’t understand the platform of the Dance Party. How would you describe it to prospective voters?

[ in lieu of a response, Blaine Goodbody busts another dance move ]

Dan Rather: I see. Lord Frothingham, where do you stand on the contentious issue of immigration?

Lord Simon Frothingham: Daniel, we of the Whig Party —

Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: Oh, no, you didn’t just call yourself the Wig Party again!!

Lord Simon Frothingham: Madam, as I explained earlier, my Whig has an “H” in it.

Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: Mmm-hmm. Well, your ass is about to have a foot up in it!

Eleanor Hatch: Dan? Dan? I don’t mean to be shrill, but do you know for the cost of one day in the war in Iraq, we could immunize EVERY mosquito in this country against insect repellant? [ sighs ] We just need to find small enough needles, Dan! Just real tiny needles –!

Tony Blair: [ interrupting ] Dan? Dan? I know it seems strange that a British Prime Minister would want to be President, but if anyone was fit for the job.. it’s me. For the last four years, I’ve prepapred for it with every decision, asked myself, “What would I do in this situation if I were the American president?” It’s because of those decisions that I am both ready to lead your country.. and also afraid to go back to mine! Thank you!

Dan Rather: Well. We will now have one closing statement, from a candidate whose name will be picked by me from this hat. [ reaches into the hat ] And, in a continuing crippling run of bad luck, our closing statement will come from NAMBLA’s Mr. Budge. Mr. Vudge?

Larry Budge: I believe, uh, that young people are the real future of this country. And tonight I leave them with this thought: At my house, I have X-Box! [ grins sheepishly ]

Dan Rather: [ stunned ] Well. Thus concludes the Fringe Canddiates Debate. Join me tomorrow on HDNet for “America’s Top 50 Sunsets.” Good night.

[ dissolve to graphic ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

The Formosa

Peter O’Toole…..Bill Hader
Mr. Bostwick…..Jason Sudeikis
Mrs. Bostwick…..Maya Rudolph
…..Drew Barrymore

[ open on exterior, The Formosa cocktail bar ]

[ dissolve to interior, Peter O’Toole holding a stiff drink in his hand whle rambling to a couple at the bar ]

Peter O’Toole: — and, finally, I say to this idiot: “I’m Peter O’Toole, and this is Richard Burton! Can you release us from your jail cell, and let us CONTINUE with our DEBAUCHERY?!” [ smiles ] And, to that, he said, “You’re not in a jail cell.. you’re in my CLOSET!” THAT.. is how you end a night of drinking! [ lets out a deep guffaw and toasts himself ]

Nr. Bostwick: [ confused ] Wait – you’re in a closet?

Peter O’Toole: Positively HEROIC!!

[ Drew Barrymore sits at the bar to Peter’s left ]

Drew Barrymore: Yeah! I’ll have a Vodka tonic, straight up, please.

Peter O’Toole: [ pounds the bar counter ] Ah, here, here! I was just about to say!

Drew Barrymore: [ looks over to Peter, smiles ] Peter O’Toole!

Peter O’Toole: Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: What are you doing in Hollywood?

Peter O’Toole: Haven’t you heard? I’ve been nominated again for an Academy Award!

Drew Barrymore: I did hear that!

Peter O’Toole: It’s number eight, if you’re keeping score. Say! I’d like you to meet the Bostwicks? from Cleveland, Fran and — [ looks to his right to find the couple is now long gone ] Ah. No one knows how to DRINK any more, you know.

Drew Barrymore: Oh, I know what you mean – Hollywood isn’t the same any more —

Peter O’Toole: Nooo, it’s not, you’re right. People RESPECTED a drunk in those days!

Drew Barrymore: They did! You’re right – tell me about it! I once drank a CASE of whiskey with George C. Scott and Faye Dunaway. I was nine years old.

Peter O’Toole: BRAVO!!! Drunk at nine! Gone are the days when you could empty a few bottles, steal a fire truck, and drive into David Niven’s living room!

Drew Barrymore: Those days ARE long gone! You know, I partied with Dudley Moore and Laurence Olivier, at the Golden Globes when I was seven!

Peter O’Toole: Seven years old, you are my CHAMPION, Madam!!

Drew Barrymore: [ giggles ] When my grandfather died, Peter Lorre took the body to Errol Flynn’s house so they could get drunk one last time together!

Peter O’Toole: Technically, I’ve been dead for at least ten years!

Drew Barrymore: Good for you. I can’t stand Hollywood today. The Hollywood of yesterday was so much better.

Peter O’Toole: Right you are! Now, you have these – these underfed tarts like.. Lindsey Hilton.. running around, showing off their VAGINAS!! There’s no panache in that!

Drew Barrymore: NO panache!!

Peter O’Toole: If you’re going to expose yourself, you do it with a FLOURISH!! Whenever I revealed my genitals — and I did so, often — I made it like it was the opening night of a PLAY!! “Gather ‘ round!” I would say, “It’s PETER’S O’TOOLE!!” [ laughs uproariously ]

Drew Barrymore: I once flashed my tatas at David Letterman!

Peter O’Toole: I toast your tatas! [ they clink their glasses together ] I’m a lover of a lady’s tatas. Peter Finch and I once stormed a monastary to get at a NUN’S tatas!!

Drew Barrymore: Monastaries don’t have nuns, they have monks.

Peter O’Toole: Ah, there’s no turning back.. the die is cast.

Drew Barrymore: A toast!

Peter O’Toole: A TOAST to US!! Because we are first-class drunks!

Drew Barrymore: First-class!

Peter O’Toole: Now, young Barrymore. Perhaps you’ll join me, for I must NOW go in search of Richard Harris’ star on the Walk of Fame. It is my tradition to take a DUMP on it! He would have done the same for me, had I gone first.

Drew Barrymore: Mmm, I’m right behind you!

Peter O’Toole: Let’s go —

[ Drew grabs for Peter, and they both stumble to the floor ]

Peter O’Toole: That was PANACHE!!

Drew Barrymore: EX-ACT-LY!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Goodnights

…..Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore: Thanks to Lily Allen and Horatio Sanz! I just have to thank Lorne and Marci for giving me my Five-Timers’ clock! And, I just want to say that this cast is so incredible! It would take me YEARS to describe what a week is like here, and I love everyone, and I thank you for coming tonight! Have the BEST weekend! good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Jojo the Valet

Mrs. Stansfield…..Kristen Wiig
Ashley…..Drew Barrymore
Jojo…..Amy Poehler
Randall…..Will Forte
Boss…..Bill Hader
Jorge…..Fred Armisen

[ open on exterior, country club ]

[ dissolve to close-up exterior of the main clubhouse, where Mrs. Stansfield and Ashley stand on the walk waiting for their cars ]

Mrs. Stansfield: I’ll be honest, Ashley – when I suggested we play tennis, my motives were to cheer you up, post-divorce. But you’re so absolutely vibrant, that I’m thinking I should rid myself of David!

[ they share the laugh ]

Ashley: You are too sweet – I’m lucky to have a friend like you!

Mrs. Stansfield: The whole thing is so exciting. I keep thinking I should rid myself of David!

Ashley: [ laughs ] O-kay! You said that!

Mrs. Stansfield: Ha, did I?

Ashley: Yeah.

Mrs. Stansfield: Well, I won’t blame that on my booze problem.

[ Jojo the valet runs up with Mrs. Stansfield’s keys ]

Jojo: Here’s your keys, Mrs. Stansfield!

Mrs. Stansfield: Thank you.

[ Mrs. Stansfield hobbles off to her car ]

Jojo: Jorge will be right here with your car, Mrs. Sanderson.

Ashley: Thank you, Jojo. But it’s not “Mrs. Sanderson” any more. You can call me “Ashley.”

Jojo: Oh, yeah. Word’s out about that. Guess you’re a single lady now.

Ashley: Looks like it.

[ Jojo blows air between his lips, in nervous anticipation ]

Jojo: Oh, boy.. I want — [ stops himself, pounds his fist and paces nervously ]

Ashley: I’m.. sorry, jojo?

Jojo: Nothing.. it’s nothing. Don’t say it, Jojo, DON’T SAY IT!! [ pounds his fist again, and struggles uncofortably in front of Ashley ]

Ashley: [ lightly primps her hair ] Is there something that you want to say, Jojo?

Jojo: [ lets out a light primal scream ] I’m not good with words!

Ashley: Just say it, Jojo.

Jojo: I want to lay you. I want to lay on top of you! I love you. [ winces ] Ughhh!! Too SOON, Jojo!!

Ashley: Oh, Jojo..

Jojo: Look! I know I’m not handsome! Or smart! Or rich! Or have opinions! Or read the paper! Or dress well! Or smell nice! But I’m SCRAPPY!! I can get in and out of tight situations – bing, bang, go Jojo!!

Ashley: Jojo! I’m very flattered! But —

Jojo: I want to — I want to GET on you! Okay? I want to get.. on top of you.. so you feel all ninety pounds of Jojo! [ pounds his fist again ]

Ashley: Aw, Jojo, there is an excellent chance that I might be getting back together with my husband. The divorce isn’t final.

Jojo: I don’t have a fancy house. Or a house. But I do know this: your boobs. I want to touch them. For hours! Juggle ’em.. smash ’em together.. start with your boobs – oh, this isn’t coming out right! [ pounds his fist and turns away ]

[ Randall exits the club house ]

Randall: [ speaking with a high-pitched, snooty pitch ] Ashley? How are you?

Ashley: Well, hello, Randall!

Randall: I’m so sorry to hear about you and Jonathan..

Ashley: Yeah..

Jojo: [ protecting his turf ] Hey, hey, hey, hey! We’re having a conversation here!

Randall: Oh. Hello, Jojo. Could you grab my car for me?

Jojo: [ to himself ] Alright, Jojo.. what does Jojo do..? Let me tell you something – part of me wants to KICK your car, and I want to keep my job — but the other part of me wants to stay here and protect my lady!

Ashley: I’ll be fine, Jojo.

Jojo: [ points a menacing finger at Randall ] YOU!! You DON’T.. HURT HER!! [ runs off to grab his car ]

Randall: Jojo, your behavior is highly inappropriate! [ ] So, Ashley – if it’s not too soon, perhaps you and I could, uh.. maybe go out —

Jojo: Hey, hey, hey! Hey, buddy! You want your keys? Hmm? You want your keys? [ flings them to the treet ] Go get ’em!

Randall: [ aghast ] Jojo! [ storms off ] I’m annoyed..

Jojo: [ touches his hand to Ashley’s neck ] What did he do to you?

Ashley: Nothing.

Jojo: Did he hurt you? Did he — did he put his – his hands on you?

Ashley: No, I — no — I — nothing. I think that you’re a very nice man —

Jojo: [ turns his head and smiles ] When you talk, it’s so beautiful. It’s like you’re puking rainbows!

[ Jojo’s Boss pokes his head out from inside the club house ]

Boss: Jojo! A squirrel is loose in the air conditioning vent, and you’re the only one small enough to crawl in and catch it.

Jojo: You got it, Boss!

Boss: Thank you, Jojo. [ retreats inside ]

Jojo: [ to Ashley, suavely ] Listen to me. I’m gonna go catch that squirrel.. and then I’m gonna go catch your heart. Promise me — promise me you’ll give me a chance.

Ashley: I promise.

Jojo: [ pumped up, shadow boxes his fists triumphantly ] Jojo! [ holds his hands before Ashley’s breasts ] I LOVE those! [ enters the clubhouse ]

[ Ashley is alone, until Jorge the valet runs up a moment later, smiling ]

Ashley: Jorge! Where have you been? You’ve been gone so long! [ embraces Jorge and hugs him passionately ]

Jorge: [ proudly ] I find a car!

Ashley: Oh, God, it was horrible! I thought he knew about us. Now, take me home, Jorge. [ looks him in the eye ] You know what I want!

Jorge: [ beams ] Yuggle googs?

Ashley: Yes, Jorge! Juggle boobs! Let’s go!

Jorge: Okay!

[ Ashley drags Jorge off the set ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
…..Andy Samberg
…..Amy Poehler
…..Will Forte
Audience Member…..Fred Armisen
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you! Wow! It is GREAT to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, for the fifth time! [ audience cheers ] I can’t believe it! Honestly, it feels like I’ve hosted five-hundred times, but.. I’m really bad at estimating. I love this show so much, because it’s >regular comedy, and I tend to do a lot of romantic comedies. Now, I love rmantic comedies, but you get a little tired of the old boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-gets-girl storylines. So, anyway — I mean, I actually did just get a script for a boy-who-meets-three girls, but I think you can only see that in a hotel room. [ light chuckles from the audience ]

Now.. I know, tonight, that they’re actually planning a little surprise for me. They have a thing called the Five-Timers Club, so.. follow me, I’d like to take you there.

[ Drew steps off Home Base and heads to the back hall of Studio 8H ]

Drew Barrymore: My first show was in 1982, when I was 7 years old. I had just done the movie “E.T.” —

[ as Drew enters the hallway, Andy Samberg comes rushing through from the opposite direction. They crash into one another, spilling andy’s paperwork all over the floor. ]

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my gosh!

Andy Samberg: Oh!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, Andy – I’m so sorry!

Andy Samberg: It’s okay.

Drew Barrymore: I’m sorry —

[ they both kneel to the ground to pick up Andy’s papers. As they do, their eyes meet and the lights turn low. Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” begins to play over them. ]

Andy Samberg: Uh — hey, Drew?

Drew Barrymore: Yeah?

Andy Samberg: There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you all week.

Drew Barrymore: What?

Andy Samberg: Will you have dinner with me tonight.

Drew Barrymore: It’s, uh — 11:30. I’ve already had dinner.

Andy Samberg: A girl like you deserves two dinners.

Drew Barrymore: [ smiles ] Okay. It’s a date.

Andy Samberg: Okay, great!

Drew Barrymore: Okay. Here – I’ll take some of these for you —

Andy Samberg: Okay. Good.

Drew Barrymore: Okay. Bye!

[ they continue along opposite paths down the hall. Drew squeals as she runs into Amy Poehler further down the hall. ]

Amy Poehler: Hey, Drew!

Drew Barrymore: [ giddy ] Hi, Amy!

Amy Poehler: What’s gotten into you? You look so happy!

Drew Barrymore: Andy just asked me out!

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! That’s, like, totally awesome!

Drew Barrymore: I know! I mean, I finally feel like I’ve met a guy who I really belong with. Someone I can trust!

Amy Poehler: Aww!

[ Drew stops dead in her tracks, looks offscreen and gasps ]

Amy Poehler: What’s wrong?

[ the camera turns sharply across the hall, where Andy is making out with Kristen Wiig ]

Drew Barrymore: Nooo! [ runs down the hall ]

Amy Poehler: Awww..

[ Drew runs into Will Forte at the end of the doorway ]

Will Forte: Well, well, well! Hello there, beautiful lady!

Drew Barrymore: [ distracted ] Not now, Will.

Will Forte: Have you, uh, reconsidered my offer – a night of sweet lovemaking?

Drew Barrymore: No.

Will Forte: Look, a ltitle piece of advice for you: you cna spend the rest of your life looking for Mr. Right, and possibly die alone. Or you can spend one night.. with this. [ draws a circle around his face with his hand ] Your call.

Drew Barrymore: [ relunctant ] Okay, you win. What time?

Will Forte: Well, I have a 1:45 lovemaking already scheduled, so let’s go with 1:40.

Drew Barrymore: Okay.. I can do that..

[ Andy runs into the scene ]

Andy Samberg: Drew! I need to talk to you!

Drew Barrymore: I never want to talk to you again! [ retreats down the hall ]

Andy Samberg: Drew! Wait! [ starts to run after her ]

Will Forte: [ holds andy back ] Hold it right there, Samberg – is there a problem?

Andy Samberg: Yeah. I was rehearsing a scene with Kristen, but I think Drew thought we were actually kissing.

Will Forte: Well, that’s too bad, because Drew is with me now, okay? And I intend to make love to her in multiple positions. Do you know what “mutliple positions” means, Samberg?

Andy Samberg: Yes.

Will Forte: Two positions – minimum! See you later, Samberg! [ exits down hall ]

[ Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Just Like a Star” plays over Andy’s recollection of the romantic events of the past few minutes – the crash, the illicit kiss, the chase, etc. Andy wipes a tear from his eyes. ]

[ dissolve to Drew back at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: I was so afraid that this would happen. This is exactly what I didn’t want. Anyway, you know what? I think I’m just gonna take some questions from the audience. Uh – does anyone have any questions?

Audience Member: Oh! Yes, yes! [ stands ] Hi! Uh – I’m a huge, huge fan of the movie “Boys on the Side.” But I noticed some mistakes – for example, with the editing —

Voice: I have a question!

[ cut to Andy, holding up a boombox like John Cusack outside Ione Skye’s window in “Say Anything” ]

Drew Barrymore: Andy!

Audience Member: [ frowns ] I guess it’s your turn now. [ sits ]

Andy Samberg: When two people are MEANT to be together, shouldn’t they FIGHT through whatever obstacles stand in their way?

Drew Barrymore: I don’t want to get hurt again, Andy. [ Andy joins her onstage ] You’re soaking wet. Is it raining outside?

Andy Samberg: No, I just dunked my head in a bucket of water. Look – about earlier —

Drew Barrymore: Shh. You had me at “bucket.”

[ they kiss passionately ]

[ cut to Kristen standing next to a weepy Will ]

Kristen Wiig: You really loved her, didn’t you?

Will Forte: Yes!

Kristen Wiig: You know, they say sometimes the person you’re meant to be with.. is standing beside you the whole time. [ coquettishly faces away from Will ]

Will Forte: [ looks at Kristen and smiles ] You’re right! I’ve been such a fool! [ ignores Kristen, turns in the opposite direction to face Kenan Thompson ] Kenan? Lovemaking?

Kenan Thompson: Money up front?

Will Forte: I wouldn’t have it any other way!

[ Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”, from “Mannequin”, plays over the scene as they hug passionately ]

Drew Barrymore: We have a great show for you tonight! Lily Allen is here, so stick around! We’ll be right back!

[ camera pulls back, pans over to the next stage and immediately into the next sketch ]

SNL Transcripts