Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 7

06g: Matthew Fox / Tenacious D

Tenacious D performs “Kickapoo”

…..Matthew Fox
…..Jack Black
…..Kyle Gass

Matthew Fox: Ladies and gentlemen, Tenacious D!

(cheers and applause)

(Pan to music stage, as Jack Black sings and Kyle Gass plays guitar; this is mostly a lyrical performance by Jack Black, though he is sometimes seen playing guitar. Gass is mostly lead guitar in this song)

Jack Black (Narrator):
A long ass time ago,
In a town called Kickapoo,
There lived a humble family
Religious through and through.
But yay there was a black sheep
And he knew just what to do.
His name was young J.B. and he refused to step in line.
A vision he did see-eth
Rockin’ all the time.
He wrote a tasty jam and all the planets did align

Jack Black (Son):
Oh the dragon’s balls were blazin’ as I stepped into his cave,
Then I sliced his freakin’ cockles, with a long and shiny blade!
‘Twas I who freaked the dragon,
freakalize sing-freakaloo!)
And if you try to freak with me,
Then I shall freak you too!
Gotta get it on in the party zone!
Gotta lose control in the party zone!
Gotta lock and load in the party zone!
Gotta lick a toad in the party zone!
Oh, sh–

Kyle Gass (Father):
You’ve disobeyed my orders, son,
My way you never born
Your brother’s ten times better than you,
Jesus loves him more.
This music that you play for us comes from the depths of hell.
Rock and roll’s The Devil’s work, he wants you to rebel.
You’ll become a mindless puppet;
Beelzebub will pull the strings!
Your heart will lose direction,
And chaos it will bring.
You’d better shut your mouth,
You’d better watch your tone!
You’re going for a week with no telephone!
Don’t let me here you cry,
Don’t let me hear you moan!
You gotta praise The Lord when you’re in my home!

Jack Black (Son):
Dio can you hear me?
I am lost and so alone.
I’m askin’ for your guidance.
Won’t you come down from your throne?
I need a tight compadre who will teach me how to rock.
My father thinks you’re evil,
But man, he can suck a rock
Rock is not The Devil’s work,
It’s magical and rad.
I’ll never rock as long as I am stuck here with my dad

Jack Black (Dio poster):
I hear you brave young Jaybles,
You are hungry for the rock.
But to learn the ancient method,
Sacred doors you must unlock.
Escape your father’s clutches,
And this oppressive neighborhood.
On a journey, you must go,
To find the land of Hollywood!
In The City of Fallen Angels,
Where the ocean meets the sand,
You will form a strong alliance,
And the world’s most awesome band.
To find your fame and fortune,
Through the valley you must walk.
You will face your inner demons.
Now go, my son, and rock!

Jack Black (Narrator):
So he went from Kickapoo With hunger in his heart;
And he journeyed far and wide to find the secrets of his art;
But in the end he knew that he would find his counterpart.
Rooooock. Rah-ha-ha-ha-hock. Raye-yayayayaye-yock!”

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 7

06g: Matthew Fox / Tenacious D

Tenacious D performs “The Metal”

…..Matthew Fox
…..Jack Black
…..Kyle Gass
The Metal…..Jason Reed
…..SNL Cast

Matthew Fox: Once again, Tenacious D!

(cheers and applause)

Tenacious D: (singing)
Since the dawn of Time, one genre of music has ruled with an iron fist

Heavy Metal!

[reveal a metal monster at the center of the stage]

You can’t kill the metal
The metal will live on
Punk Rock tried to kill the metal
But they failed, as they were smite to the ground
New Wave tried to kill the metal
But they failed, as they were stricken down to the ground
Grunge tried to kill the metal – Ha, hahahahaha
They failed, as they were thrown to the ground
Yeah!
Aargh!
Aargh!

[members of SNL’s cast enter the stage, dressed as the various musical genres described]

Tenacious D & Cast: [singing]
No one can destroy the metal
The metal will strike you down with a vicious blow
We are the vanquished foes of the metal
We tried to win, for why we do not know.

[the musical genres break apart, as the New Wave (Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph) dances next to The Metal]

Tenacious D: [singing] New Wave tried to destroy the metal, but the metal had its way

[The Metal strikes a blow across New Wave, sending them crashing to the floor]

[Grunge (Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis) moves in to take on The Metal]

Grunge then tried to dethrone the metal, but metal was in the way

[The Metal kicks Grunge to the ground]

[Punk Rock (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) moves in]

Punk Rock tried to destroy the metal, but metal was a-much too strong

[The Metal raises its arms menacingly, as Punk Rock sinks to the ground]

[Techno (Kristen Wiig) steps in, meekly]

Techno tried to defile the metal, but techno was proven wrong, yea!

[The Metal looks at Techno in disbelief, so Techno simply turns and walks away]

Metal!
It comes from hell!

[Jack Black jumps up toward the drummer, as the genres re-enter the stage]

Sloooo-moooo!

[The Metal slowly throws one genre to the ground after another, all acted out in slow-motion]

Iron Maiden!

Judas Priest!

Satanic Dog Pile!

[all the genres jump on top of The Metal in one heap, as he bursts through them in slow-motion]

METAL!!

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 7

06g: Matthew Fox / Tenacious D

Sale-Mart

Manager…..Jason Sudeikis
Employee #1…..Fred Armisen
Employee #2…..Kenan Thompson
Female Employee…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Sale-Mart manager standing in front of a bank of cash registers ]

Manager: Here at Sale-Mart, your big and friendly superstore, we’re ALL about low prices! Look! [ holds up a quesadilla maker in its box ] This quesadilla maker retails for $23.99. But you pay — [ smiley-face bounces on “Passin’ it along” price sticker marked $23.99, changes price to $19.26 ] 19.26! So, how do we do it? We ALL pitch in!

[ cut to two male employees stacking quesadilla maker boxes ]

Employee #1: We’ve only worked here for two years! Not enough to qualify for health insurance!

Employee #2: Or a dental plan! [ smiles to reveal crooked, misshapen teeth ] Passin’ the savings on to you!

[ cut to three foreign employees standing with cleaning equipment in a warehouse ]

Foreign Employees: We’re legal!!

[ cut to Female Employee raising a box over her head, as a co-worker climbs a ladder in the background while carrying a heavy box ]

Female Employee: Instead of getting Workman’s Comp, we just keep it careful! [ her co-worker promptly falls off the ladder, his legs twisting amongst the metal ]

[ cut to Chinese employee building a quesadilla maker in a warehouse ]

Chinese Employee: [ speaking in Chinese: “I work hard for 16 hours a day, so you save money.” ]

[ cut to full Sale-Mart staff holding boxes of quesadilla makers at the front of the store ]

Employees: That’s the Sale-Mart way!!

[ cut to Sale-Mart title graphic ]

Announcer: Sale-Mart.

[ Sale-Mart Manager pops in front of the graphic ]

Manager: Make sure to stop by our pharmacy, where generic prescription drugs.. [ raises hands and lets pills bounce to the floor ] are TWO handfuls for a DOLLAR!!

Announcer: Always the lowest price!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 9th, 2006

Annette Bening

Gwen Stefani

Akon

None

Alec Baldwin

Matthew Fox
A Special Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) addresses the nation about the release of the Iraqi War Report, and reads suggestions sent in by concerned Americans.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Annette Bening’s MonologueSummary: Annette Bening takes heat from female real estate agents in the audience who took offense with her portrayal of their profession in “American Beauty” seven years earlier. Bening’s “Running With Scissors” co-star, Alec Baldwin, defends her and touts the highlights of his own film career.

Bio: Annette Bening (1958-). Actress; films include “American Beauty” (1999) and “Being Julia” (2004); twice lost the Best Actress Academy Award to Hilary Swank, in 2000 and 2005; married to actor Warren Beatty since 1992.

Transcript

An SNL Movie Trailer Re-CutSummary: In a re-cut trailer for Mel Gibson’s “Apocalypto”, jungle natives flee the area when they discover that Jews are coming.

Transcript

Good Morning I Hate This TownSummary: Morning co-hosts Alan French (Jason Sudeikis) and Samantha (Annette Bening) maintain an upbeat attitude, even though they hate their town and all the dumbasses who live in it. Cooking expert Pam Dibble (Amy Poehler) offers a demonstration, but Alan and Samantha don’t think their dimwitted audience can handle the entire recipe.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Diddy Kiddies”, where hijinks abound as a group of kids try to help rapper P. Diddy figure out what he actually does for a living to maintain his mega-stardom.

Student-Teacher AffairSummary: Chipper schoolteacher Diane (Annette Bening) is ecstatic in her relationship with Daniel (Andy Samberg), a disinterested student who would rather hang out with his friends.

Two A-Holes in a Live Nativity SceneSummary: The Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) participate in a live Nativity scene, despite their limited knowledge or interest in the reason for the season.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: The boss (Fred Armisen) of a fast food restaurant suffers anger management issues as he gives his employees a “Pep Talk.”

Note: This Digital Short was cut from last week’s episode hosted by Matthew Fox.

Transcript

Buyer BewareSummary: Mason Lemmings (Kenan Thompson) and his neighbor Trudy (Maya Rudolph) host a consumer affairs program in their garage, warning local Brooklyn residents about what products not to waste their hard-earned money on while shopping for Christmas presents.

Gwen Stefani performs “Wind It Up”First Performed: 04o.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) comments on an off-balanced phone call he received from Lindsay Lohan. Airplane passenger Gloria Patrick (Kristen Wiig) comments about her recent efforts to light a match in mid-flight to cover the smell of her flatulence. In an effort to speak out against same-sex marriage, Will Forte sings “Silly Silly Gays.”

Recurring Characters: Al Gore.

Monster Under the BedSummary: When a little girl (Amy Poehler) thinks there might be a monster under her bed, her parents (Will Forte, Annette Bening) freak out and arm themselves with weaponry to ensure their family’s safety.

Transcript

ValtrexSummary: Husband (Alec Baldwin) convinces his wife (Amy Poehler) that genital herpes can lie dormant for years before exposing itself.

Note: Repeat from 11/11/06.

Introverts’ Night OutSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Meryl (Annette Bening) finally make it out of the office to indulge in an after-work Happy Hour, which eventually opens them up to a discussion on butt-messin’.

Transcript

Akon performs “I Wanna Love You”Bio: Akon (1981-). Hip-Hop/R&B performer; real name: Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam; produced and performed on Gwen Stefani’s 2006 album, The Sweet Escape.

Lyrics

Stanfield & PartlowSummary: Lawyers Martha Stanfield (Annette Bening) and Christopher Partlow (Bill Hader) represent only cats as clients.

Note: This sketch ran short on time during the live broadcast.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mrs. ClausSummary: Santa claus is unaware that Mrs. Claus (Annette Bening) is having an affair.

NunisSummary: Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph) receive a package in the mail.

Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni.

Celebrities Eating ISummary: Liberace (Fred Armisen) eats spaghetti bolognese at an accelerated rate.

Recurring Characters: Liberace.

Celebrities Eating IISummary: Gregory Peck (Bill Hader) eats clams at an accelerated rate.

Celebrities Eating IIISummary: Julie Andrews (Annette Bening) drinks a root beer float at an accelerated rate.

Recurring Characters: Julie Andrews.

Condom AdSummary: Soap opera stars Michael Park and Kim Zimmer talk about the condoms they use during sex scenes.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Two A-Holes in a Live Nativity Scene

Director…..Annette Bening
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[FADE IN on title slide as jazzy music plays.]

Announcer: [smoothly] And now: Two A-Holes in a Live Nativity Scene.

[FADE to the nativity scene. The director stands in the middle of the crowd and works on setting the scene.]

Director: [perkily] Okay, we need to get started. Little angel, could you move over there, please, right, thanks.

[She gestures to her left as the angel moves.]

Director: And the three Wise Men, you need to kneel.

[The Wise Men obey and kneel on the ground next to a pair of lambs.]

Director: [to shepherd] Okay, please watch out for that donkey, we don’t want any more accidents. Has anyone seen the people, the two people playing Mary and Joseph?

[CUT to the A-Holes as they arrive on the scene. The man has a earphone plugged into his left ear, and the woman is talking on a cell phone.]

Female A-Hole: Hey, I’m here now.

Male A-Hole: [adjusting earphone] That’s what he said.

Female A-Hole: I think it was Thursday.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, definitely plasma.

Female A-Hole: It was gross, it was a chicken.

Male A-Hole: I dunno, probably Jager.

Female A-Hole: That’s for my hairdresser.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, those boots don’t fit.

Female A-Hole: She looks like a rabbit.

Male A-Hole: ’88 Lakers.

Female A-Hole: I gotta go.

Male A-Hole: Me too.

Female A-Hole: Bye.

Male A-Hole: Bye, babe.

[Simultaneously, he removes his earphone while she terminates the call. Audience laughs as the director stares at the two of them.]

Female A-Hole: We’re here.

Male A-Hole: Let’s do this!

Director: Thank you for coming. We really appreciate you two signing up for this.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she thought she signed up for a raffle.

Female A-Hole: I like to win stuff I don’t need.

Director: Well, either way, thank you so much for being here.

Male A-Hole: She said thanks, babe.

Female A-Hole: Are we done?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, can we go now?

Director: [laughs] No, no, no, we haven’t even started yet.

Male A-Hole: We gotta stick around, babe.

Female A-Hole: When does “24” come back on?

Male A-Hole: [smirking] Jack Power’s a pimp.

Director: I’m sorry, I don’t know. Now is everybody ready to get started? Okay. [to A-Holes] Could you two head back here and just stand behind the baby Jesus?

Female A-Hole: Wait. [points to donkey] Who’s that?

Director: Who?

Male A-Hole: Yeah. Who’s in there?

[CUT to a closeup of the black-and-white donkey.]

Director: That’s a donkey.

Male A-Hole: That’s a donkey, babe.

Female A-Hole: Yah.

Male A-Hole: That’s a small donkey costume. Whaddya got, kids in there?

Director: No, no, no, there are no kids in there.

Male A-Hole: Oh, I get it, you gotta use midgets, right? Union thing.

Director: No, no, not midgets.

Male A-Hole: Right, right, right, little people.

Director: No, it’s not a costume. This a real donkey.

Male A-Hole: Okay, I get it. She doesn’t wanna break character, babe.

Director: Look, we really need to get started, okay? People are gonna be here soon. Okay, so let’s move the donkey back, and you two need to get behind the baby Jesus–everyone looking down, adoringly at the baby Jesus.

[PAN along the wise men, shepherds, and angel all staring down adoringly.]

Director: Okay, everyone’s–good. Oh, oh, excellent! Okay, very, very, good! Good. Um…

[PAN to the a-holes. The male chews his gum and smirks straight ahead, while the female is captivated by her cell phone. He winks at the camera.]

Director: Looking down, could you two look down at the baby Jesus?

[The director carefully places her fingers on the female’s cell phone and begins to lower it.]

Director: Mmmmmmmm…

[She plucks the cell phone out and sets it gingerly in the crib. The female a-hole’s eyes follow it down.]

Director: Okay, yes, that’s better. Excellent. Actually, if you don’t mind, would you mind taking out your chewing gum?

[The two slowly turn to each other, then simultaneously reach for their mouths. They pretend to take out their gum, then both resume chewing it again.]

Director: [losing composure] Y’know what, forget it, let’s just move on. At this point, I’d just really like to see the three Wise Men present Mary and Joseph with the gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Male A-Hole: What the hell’s myrrh?

[laughter]

Male A-Hole: Y’know what myrrh is, babe?

Female A-Hole: The what?

Male A-Hole: The myrrh.

Female A-Hole: The what?

Male A-Hole: The myrrh.

Female A-Hole: [pulls at her hair] The what?

Male A-Hole: Myrrh.

Female A-Hole: The what?

Male A-Hole: Myrrh, babe.

[laughter and applause]

Female A-Hole: What?

Male A-Hole: Myrrh.

Female A-Hole: The myrrh?

Male A-Hole: The what?

Director: [loses it] The myrrh. The myrrh. Y’know what, this is just not working! Why are you two even doing this?

Male A-Hole: We wanna go to heaven.

Director: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but I’m just gonna have to ask you both to leave.

Female A-Hole: You look like Mrs. Brady.

[laughter]

Director: Get out.

Male A-Hole: We gotta go, babe.

Female A-Hole: Yaaaaaaaaay.

Male A-Hole: Grab the phone, babe.

[She reaches into the crib and pulls out her phone as well as the plastic baby playing Jesus.]

Female A-Hole: This baby doesn’t look like Santa.

Director: [snatching the plastic baby from her] Just get out!

[As they start to leave, the male leans down to the donkey and shouts right into its ear.]

Male A-Hole: IT WAS NICE WORKIN’ WITH YOU GUYS!

[laughter]

Male A-Hole: YOU’RE GOOD DUDES!!

[They finally walk away.]

Male A-Hole: Whaddya want for Christmas, babe?

Female A-Hole: A beach.

Male A-Hole: Mm-hm.

Female A-Hole: And a donkey.

[ZOOM IN on the donkey standing placidly, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

A Special Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is a special address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated behind his desk in the Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. [ the audience cheers ] Earlier this week, we saw the release of — [ holds up booklet ] the way forward, a new approach. The final report by the Baker-Hamilton Study Group. A panel comprised of several of our nation’s most distinguished statesmen, as well as – and, let’s be honest – some real Grade-A jackasses. Be that as it may, many of the observations in this report are useful and enlightening. Others, are a ltitle irritating. [ sneers ] For example: the report frequently points out that, before invading Iraq, we should have had some sort of plan for what to do next. [ scoffs ] Gee, ya’ think?! Thanks for telling us now! [ scoffs again ] Also, for whatever reason, the reprot devotes a great deal of time explaining that there are two different types of Muslims: Sunnis, and Shiites. Which is all very interesting. Although, I’m not really sure how that’s relevant to our situation in Iraq! Thanks, though. [ makes the “okay” sign with his fingers and smirks ]

But, whatever its limitations, we’ll consider carefully all the recommendations embodied in this report. Just as, by the way, we consider thoughtful suggestions from any source. For example: [ holds up letter ] Mrs. Charlotte Poulter of Table Rock, Nebraska, who wrotes: [ show slide of the elderly woman, age 87 ] “Dear, Mr. President –” [ he glances at the camera with the knowing look of a talk show host ] “Why not simply declare Iraq the 51st state? Then, the Mexicans can just sneak in and take it over like the rest of the country.” [ smiles ] When we called Mrs. Poulter to thank her for that suggestion, she explained she was just being sarcastic. But, all the same, we did look into her idea. One problem, is that the tunnels we’d have to dig would just be incredibly long. More than 12,000 miles. Although, that is doable! The bigger problem, is that.. well, there’s just no jobs in Iraq! [ smiles ] ‘Cause of the war!

Here’s another one. [ holds up letter, as slide reveals a 5-year old boy ] Wyatt Schiavelli, of New Britain, Connecticut writes: “Dear, President Bush –” [ he glances again at the camera ] “Kill all the Iraqis wih poison in their water. Tell our soldiers: Don’t drink the water. After they are exacerbated –” [ chuckles ] I think the little guy means exterminated! [ continues reading ] “– we can have the oil. P.S.: if they run from the poison, we can catch them with velociraptors or motorcylces. I am five years old.” [ smiles ] Well, Wyatt, for a person your age, that is a very interesting, albeit bloodthirsty, propsoal. However, I must tell you: velociraptors are extinct. Have been for, like.. 500 years.

[ holds up letter ] Finally, Gene Fowler of Apache Junction, Arizona writes: [ show slide of older man, age 50 ] “Mr. President –” [ glances at camera ] “why don’t we just restore Saddam Hussein to power, write the Iraqis a check for the damage, and then forget we ever went in there?” [ shrugs ] Gene, this may surprise you a bit, but that’s the solution I’m sort of leaning towards.

Over the next several weeks, the White House staff, in consultation with members of Congress, will make a thorough analysis of the Iraq Study Group’s proposals – as well as ideas from other sources. The staff will then prepare a summary of these recommendations, which will later be boiled down to a one-page synopsis, the highlgihts of which will be read to me by an aide while I’m on the StairMaster. I will then weigh them carefully, when making any adjustments to our policy in Iraq. Although, I am tempted to say: “If it ain’t broke — [ struggles to complete the common phrase ] you know, why you gonna go fix it?” [ laughs ]

Now, I know the next Presidential election is less than two years away, and that few believe the security issue in Iraq can be solved by then. But let me make one thing clear: I have no intention of just handing this problem off to my successor. Whatever the outcome of the 2008 election, I will leave office when the freely-elected government of Iraq can stand on its own, and not one.. minute.. sooner. I am confident that can happen by 2008. But, if not, I intend to stay on as President, until the job in Iraq is finished! And whoever is elected in 2008 can begin his, or her — [ scoffs ] term after that! If, in the meantime, something should happen to me, my brother Jeb can step in. And then, my daughters Jenna and Barbara can take over as twin presidents. Jenna, on Monday through Wednesday; Barbara, Thursday through Saturday. With Hank Reardon, an old college buddy – I trut him completely – in charge on Sundays. [ chuckles ] He’s a hoot, ya’ll are gonna LOVE him! Now, I don’t know how the Iraq Study Group feels about all this – it’s not mentioned in their report. But, frankly, that’s beside the point. Because I’m the decider! It’s right there in the Constitution – De-cid-er. So that’s where I stand.

But, before concluding for the night, I want to make one thing absolutely clear: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Stanfield & Partlow

Martha Stanfield…..Annette Bening
Christopher Partlow…..Bill Hader

[ open on Martha Stanfield standing in her reading perusing a Law book ]

Martha Stanfield: Are you a cat – or a group of cats – who has recently inherited a large sum of money from an eccentric old lady? Are you having trouble deciphering our country’s often Baroque capital gains tax laws because you can’t read – and you’re also a cat? [ puts her Law book down ] Hi. I’m Martha Stanfield. If you are a housecat who’s recently inherited the estate of a newly-deceased weirdo, the lawyers at Stanfield & Partlow are here to help you. Just ask my partner, Christopher Partlow.

[ Partlow enters, and begins shaking a feather on a stick at the camera ]

Christopher Partlow: Who’s a pretty kitty! Who’s a pretty kitty! You are, Mr. Ma-an!

[ Partlow exits ]

Martha Stanfield: But what if your inheritance is annuated, allowing you only a small percentage of your bequest for a year? How will you ever afford all that dog poison? Simple.

[ Partlow props up a display board in the office ]

Now – let’s say that a crazy old lady left you TEN million dollars, to be paid out over fifteen years. That translates to only, roughly, three-hundred thousand dollars per year after taxes. Stanfield & Partlow will offer you EIGHT million dollars, UP FRONT. [ shines laser pointer on display board, then bounces it around the board ] Huh? Where’d it go? Where’d it go? Now it’s over there! Uh-oh! Now it’s over there! Okay! [ continues ] And that eight million dollars can be paid out in cash or wounded birds. Isn’t that right, Christopher?

Christopher Partlow: Mer-eow!

Martha Stanfield: But don’t just take our word for it. Listen to what these satisfied customers had to say:

[ cut to black-and-white footage of a cat playing table tennis with a human ]

[ cut back to Stanfield ]

Martha Stanfield: Let’s face it – you’re a cat. And that musty old bag left you a lot of money. Here at Stanfield & Partlow, we ask only one question:

[ the show is running late, and, thus, the sketch dissolves into the night’s final commercial bumper ]

Martha Stanfield V/O: [ shaking cat toy ] Who’s a pretty kitty? Who’s a pretty kitty? Are you a pretty kitty — ?

[ end ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Goodnights

…..Annette Bening

Annette Bening: Thanks to Gwen Stefani, Akon, and Alec Baldwin! I love you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Introverts Night Out

Neil….Will Forte
Jean….Kristen Wiig
Meryl….Annette Bening
Waiter….Bill Hader

[Opens with a sports bar, everyone drinking, having agood time. In comes Neil with his conservative style,glasses, tie, vest, moustache, cow licked hair. Jeanwith an outdated hairdo, grandma’s clothes. And Meryl,she is cute but with a depressed look on her face. Sheis thin but from the waist down she is bigger andfatter than the rest of her body.]

Neil: And here we are.

Jean: I have to say I’m really excited that the 3 ofus are going to enjoy our first after work snack tonight.

Meryl: Yes, I’m happy its working out. The Skiffcoupon from my secret Santa was really burning a hole in my pocket.

Jean: Oh, we wouldn’t want that. Those are one of your flattering slacks.

Meryl: Oh, Jean.

Neil: So, what do we do here? Can we just sit down atany given table? Is there a sign-up sheet? Sort of a seating grid?

Meryl: Well, that sign says “Please wait to be seated.”Mess it. If I’d known that I would’ve brought my folding stool.

Waiter: Excuse me. There is a table available right over there.

Neil: Wonderful. Great.

Meryl: Thank you.

Jean: Oh, excuse me.[to waiter.][Jean takes out Ziplocbag full of change, takes couple of quarters gives itto the waiter. He puts up with it.]Thank you.

Waiter: Thanks.

Neil: Jean, what a great idea to bring a bag filled with tipping change.

Jean: I have to admit my original intent was notgratuity related at all. I withdrew these quartersfrom the bank to purchase music songs on the jukebox machine.

Meryl: Oh, Jean I didn’t even think about thepossibility of a jukebox machine.

Jean: Meryl, its 2006!

Meryl: Then where in the name of Mary Todd Lincoln is it?

Neil: Excuse me, waiter. Where in the name of MaryTodd Lincoln is your jukebox machine?

Waiter: We don’t have a jukebox.

Meryl: No jukebox machine?

Jean: But I went to the bank!

Neil: I wanted to hear The Platters.

Waiter: Well, we have a DJ and he should be setting up pretty soon.

Neil: It’s not Wolfman Jack, is it?

Waiter: I don’t think so, no.

Neil: But he’ll have The Platters?

Waiter: He mostly plays dance music.

Neil: So, he does have The Platters.

Meryl: Is there gonna be dancing?

Jean: Oh, mess it. I should have worn my sneakers flats.

Meryl: I have to admit. I’m a little nervous. I’ve never danced in public before.

Neil: Same here, Meryl. I’ve been in a number ofaccidental dance situations. Stomping out fires,rhythmically jumping in pain after stepping on a mousetrap. But I’ve certainly never made a concerted effort to dance.

Jean: I did do a little salsa at my cousin’scommitment ceremony. I can’t say for sure as I wasunder the influence of a strong ring worm ointment.

Neil: Sounds like we’re all on the same boat. A boatwe could quite logically christen “The U.S.S Non dancer”.

Meryl: How can you 2 be so calm about this? I’mquacking in my proverbial boots.

Jean: Meryl, why don’t you take those jitters and turn them into a jitterbug?

Neil: Oh, what a fine, fine joke, Jean.[Kristen lookslike about to crack up, holds it]Too boot notproverbially its as relevant as all get out.

Meryl: Well, I’m gonna sit this one out.

Neil: Whaaat?!

Jean: Meryl, are sure?!

Meryl: I’m positive. Truth be told I have a problem with leg sweat.

Jean: I didn’t know you had leg sweat problems, Meryl.

Meryl: Unfortunately, yes. Its why I use a wheelchair at work.

Neil: Well, I think I’ll fore go the dancing as well.I had a double helping of oatmeal this morning butunfortunately forgot to add water. The introduction ofdancing could make for a fairly implosive situation.

Jean: Do you think they’ll allow pocket books on thedance floor? Probably not. Excuse me, where are your pocket book lockers?

Waiter: We don’t have lockers.

Meryl: No pocket book lockers? No jukebox machine? What the mess?

Jean: I said it before and I’ll say it again. That’s America, it’s a problem.

Meryl: One more question, do you have wheelchairs for dancers with leg sweat problems?

Waiter: No. Are you going to order anything?

Jean: Oh, you know I’ll have a warm mug of yellow eggnog.

Meryl: Oh, nog. Nog sounds good. Make that 2 nogs. Neil, nog?

Neil: Well, I was thinking about an ovaltine. Oh, mess it. Make it 3 egg nogs.

Waiter: Three eggnogs. Is that with or without alcohol?

Neil: Alcohol? I didn’t know there was an option.

Meryl: I don’t even know what it means.

[The trio talk over each other. Close-up on clock, time passes]

Jean: So, how is this going to work?

Neil: We’ll start by gently rubbing each othersshoulders for exactly 5 minutes. I’ll unburden both ofyou of your blouses. From there we’ll all put onblindfolds and remove each others……[Close-up onclock, more time passes]….and then I’ll mess Merylwhile Jean watches and then Jean will mess Meryl whileI watch. Then Meryl and I will mess each other whileJean messes herself.[Kristen is about to crack up]Thenthe waiter will doggy mess Meryl as I reverse cowboy mess Jean.

Meryl: I have to say, I wasn’t sure about it at firstbut I’m really warming to the idea of getting butt messed.

Neil: Well, its too bad this country frowns upon it so.

Jean: Well, I said it before and I’ll say it again.That’s America, it’s a problem. [Kristen laughs finally]

[Cheers and Applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Annette Bening’s Monologue

…..Annette Bening
Female Audience Member 1…..Kristen Wiig
Female Audience Member 2…..Amy Poehler
Female Audience Member 3…..Maya Rudolph
…..Alec Baldwin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Annette Bening!

Annette Bening: Thank you! Thank you SO much! It’s – it’s a real thrill to be here! [ exhales ] You know, recently I did a film with Alec Baldwin, and — [ audience claps ] Yeah, Alec – he would always tell me – he would always say, “You just have to host “Saturday Night Live”, you will have the time of your life!” And he would then go on saying how good he was at it, and how many times he’d done it, and then how good he was at it again, and then, eventually, I’d have to pretend to get a phone call or something. But, anyway, the point is: I’m here, and I would like to take this time to connect with the audience, so, uh – if anyone has any questions? [ Female Audience Member 1 stands ] Oh.

Female Audience Member 1: Hi, I-I just wanted to say that I loved the crazy real estate character you played in “American Beauty.”

Annette Bening: [ flattered ] Oh, I don’t know if she was crazy — [ audience applauds ] Thanks! No. I think she was more.. complicated?

Female Audience Member 1: Oh. Oh, it came off as crazy. Really crazy.

Annette Bening: Oh. Okay. [ laughs ] Uh — [ sees Female Audience Member 2 stand ] Oh! Yes? You?

Female Audience Member 2: [ dressed in a Century 21 jacket ] Yeah, I have a question.

Annette Bening: Oh. Oh, are you a real estate agent?

Female Audience Member 2: [ peeved ] Yeah. Yeah, I am!

Annette Bening: Oh. Do you have a question?

Female Audience Member 2: Yes! I do! When you portray real estate agents as crazy, do you take into account how negatively it affects the thousands of female real estate agents in this country?

Annette Bening: Well, I-I can’t believe that-that the movies actually affect how people think about real estate agents.

Female Audience Member 2: [ a beat ] So, no, then?

Annette Bening: No – no, I-I didn’t take it into account, uh – uh, another question? [ looks around ] Please? Uh — [ Female Audience Member 3 raises her hand ] Oh.

Female Audience Member 3: Marnie Leonard, Re/Max Realty. When you played a real estate agent who cheated on her husband in “American Beauty”, did it occur to you that husbands of real estate agents would become suspicious and then investigate whether their real estate agent wives were cheating on them? In some cases, even discovering that they were, and then divorcing them?

Annette Bening: [ bewildered ] You know, I will be totlaly honest with you – that did not occur to me, but I am sorry —

Female Audience Member 3: [ nastily chipper ] Yeah.. yeah, okay. Well, I will be sure to pass that along to my kids, who I see on weekends and holidays.

Annette Bening: Oh, God —

[ Female Audience Member 1 stands again ]

Female Audience Member 1: Can I – can I just say one more thing?

Annette Bening: Oh. Sure.

Female Audience Member 1: I just wanted to say that I, too, am a real estate agent.

Annette Bening: Well, why didn’t you say so before?

Female Audience Member 1: Because your movies made me believe that was something to be ashamed of.

Male Voice: That is so ridiculous!

[ Alec Baldwin appears standing in the audience ]

Annette Bening: Alec!

[ the audience screams and hollars ]

Annette Bening: Alec, what are you doing here? My God! Wow!

[ the audience quiets down, Alec stands in silence ]

Annette Bening: What are you doing here?

Alec Baldwin: I live here. [ audience laughs ] I just wanted to point out that I also payed a real estate agent, rather famously, in the movie “Glengarry Glen Ross.”

Annette Bening: Oh, right. I remember.

[ the audience cheers their approval ]

Alec Baldwin: Of course, you’d remember that. But people often stop me in the street just to say how much they liked it, and, uh, many of them are real estate agents themselves, who tell me that it changed their lives for the better, and it’s.. a special feeling knowing you’ve changed people’s lives.

Annette Bening: Uh – what does any of this have to do with me?

Alec Baldwin: Uh, nothing, really. I just like talking about my film career. And I also wanted to say I thought it was great when you took your clothes off in “The Grifters” – that was fantastic! [ sits ]

Annette Bening: [ laughing ] Oh, thanks! Thanks so much. Well, we’ve got a great show – I don’t play a single real estate agent. Gwen Stefani and Akon are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts