Author: Don Roy King

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

The Fun Friends Club

Maria…..Rachel Dratch
Smiley the Dragon/Dave…..Ray Liotta
Director…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on kids show motif, kids singing back-up to big purple and yellow dragon ]

Kids: [ singing ]
“I’ll be your friend
if you’ll be my friend!
We’re all part of
The Fun.. Friend.. Cluuuuub!”

Maria: Smiley the Dragon will be right back! With more friendship and fun!

Smily the Dragon: That’s right, Maria! Hee hee hee hee heeeeee!!

[ Director enters scene ]

Director: And.. cut! Great job, everybody, great job! That’s perfect! Maria, can I talk to you for a second?

Maria: Sure, Mr. Van Peebles!

Director: Great.. uh.. Maria, how-how old are you now?

Maria: Twelve-and-a-half!

Director: You know, Maria, you do a great job on the show.. I think you’re a great role model for all the other kids..

Maria: [ happy ] I love all my friends here at the Fun Friend Club! Louise, and Katir, and Jao Ping..

Director: Jao Ping.. I know, I know you do, Maria, it’s great.. it’s just that, uh.. you’ve had a real growth spurt in the last year now.. As we grow older, you know, girls become women, their.. their bodies change, well, uh..

Maria: [ confused ] What do you mean?

Dave: Larry, can we hurry up and shoot the next song?! I want to get home for the Clippers game, huh!

Director: Sure, Dave. Everybody! Places for the Jumpie Dance! Come on in!

[ everyone falls into place on the set; Maria is front and center, the size of her breasts well-distinguished alongside the smaller kids ]

Director: [ grabs Maria ] You know, I’m gonna switch you with Jao Ping, okay? Is that good? [ puts Maria in the back row, where her breasts seem less noticeable ] Action!

[ cameras roll ]

Smiley the Dragon: Hey, everybody, I’ve got a case of the giggles! Hee hee hee hee hee-ee-ee!!

Kids: [ singing ]
“Jiggly!
Wiggly!
Makes me get all giggly!

It’s the Jiggly Wiggly Jumpy Dance!
If you’re feeling happy, shake your pants!”

[ Maria bounces front and center, her breasts bopping in every direction ]

“Clap your hands, and touch the ground
Arch your back, and jump up.. and.. down!”

[ Director runs into the scene waving his arms frantically ]

Director: Cut the song! Cut the song!

Dave: It’s like “Girls Gone Wild” over here!! You gotta do something about those things!!

Director: Okay, okay.. thank you, Dave, thank you. Could somebody get Dave a cigarette, or something. Maria..

Maria: Did I mess up my choreography, Mr. Van Peebles?

Director: No, no, no.. you didn’t, Maria.. it’s just, uh.. has your mom talked to you about, uh.. becoming a woman, at all?

Maria: No.

Director: Yeah.. well, did you give her the note I sent you home?

Maria: [ excited ] Yeah! She bought me a deodorant stick!

Director: That’s a start, I guess. Uh.. Maria, I don’t know how to say this.. The Fun Friend Club is a club for children..

Maria: [ laughs ] And one very ridiculous dragon!

Director: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. one ridiculous dragon.. Uh.. but, soon, you won’t even want to be on the show. You’ll want to be talking on the phone with boys, and go to the mall with your friends, be hanging out with them..

[ Dave re-enters ]

Dave: And shave your legs!

Maria: No way! I want to stay here in Giggle Gulch forever!

Dave: Oh, hey! I wanted to stay on “General Hospital” forever! But jobs end! That’s the business, kid!

Director: Dave! Will you let me handle this, will you?

Maria: Hey, Mr. Van Peebles! The whole crew’s waiting! Shouldn’t we get back to work?

Director: Okay, okay.. let’s do the “What Do You See?” song, okay? [ the kids re-enter the scene ] Uh.. places.. the “What Do You See?” song. [ Dave doesn’t have his Smiley head on yet ] Put the dragon head on? Okay, everyone ready? Annnnnnnd.. speak!

[ the scene begins ]

Smily the Dragon: Heeeeeeey, special friends! Let’s play “What Do You See?”!

Kids: Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!

[ little girl steps up ]

Smily the Dragon: “Hey, hey, what do you see?”

Little Girl: I see a bird!

Smily the Dragon: “Show it to me.”

[ Little Girl flaps her arms like a bird, then steps off ]

[ little boy steps up ]

Smily the Dragon: “Hey, hey, what do you see?”

Little Boy: I see a river!

Smily the Dragon: “Show it to me.”

[ Little Boy motions his arms like a river, then steps off ]

[ Maria steps up ]

Smily the Dragon: “Hey, hey, what do you see?”

Maria: I see balloons!

Smily the Dragon: “Show it-“ [ angered now more than ever ] Cut! Cut! Cut! CUT!! I can’t DO this any more, Marty! This is DISTURBING!!

Director: [ running in ] Dave, I’m sorry.. I know, okay..

Dave: This is very upsetting!!

Director: I’m working on it, Dave! [ offscreen ] Can someone get Dave a martini, or something? Maria? Take the rest of the day off, okay? How about that?

Maria: [ worried ] Is it because I spilled juice on the Craft Services table?

Dave: It’s your JUGS!! You came back from hiatus with JUGS!!

Director: Dave, I Will HANDLE this!!

Dave: Well, then HANDLE it!!

Director: Oh, thank you! Maria? What Smiley was trying to say is, uh.. [ struggling to be gentle, but failing ] ..we want you.. to be.. the Show Captain! And, uh.. oyu get to wear my, my special Fun Friend jacket, on the show, and you’ll be the Show Captain!

Maria: Ooh..

Director: Yeah! In fact, just zip it up there, and keep it zipped up by all means, okay? For the whole show. Is that cool?

Maria: [ excited ] Yay! I’m the Captain! I get to stay here, with all my special friends!

Director: Yeah!

Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!

Dave: Larry! Larry! What the hell are you doing, why didn’t you fire her?!

Director: [ sighs ] I didn’t have the heart, Dave.

Dave: Well, it’s only gonna get worse! I think Jao Ping’s voice is changing!

Director: What?

[ Jao Ping steps up ]

Jao Ping: [ in deep masculine voice ] Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

CNN News Alert

Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Amy Poehler
Reporter #2…..Seth Meyers
Reporter #3…..Chris Kattan
Reporter #4…..Maya Rudolph
Reporter #5…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: CNN News Alert. We’re taking you now, live, to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, for the latest on the situation in Iraq. He should arrive any minute.

[ Donald Rumsfeld steps up to the podium, as reporters wave their arms to have their questions noticed ]

Donald Rumsfeld: Yes? Anne.

Reporter #1: With the discovery of the twelve chemical warheads, and the deployment of more troops to the region, is it fair to say that this administration has found its smoking gun?

Donald Rumsfeld: Smoking gun? [ chuckles ] Let me think about that.. [ thinks ] I don’t want to answer that. But let me try to answer that.. uh.. no, I’ve changed my mind, I don’t feel the need to answer that. [ hands wave again ] Dave.

Reporter #2: Hans Glick said last wek that the inspection could drag on past any deadline we’ve set, maybe months. Do you think this administration can wait that long?

Donald Rumsfeld: Well.. look, Hans Glick has his timetable. I don’t wanna get in any discussion about possible timetables. I mean, we’re waiting – let me say, anxiously awaiting – any information the inspectors might provide, or that we might provide them. Now, Pete?

Reporter #3: If it turns out that Saddam is indeed lying about these warheads, would that be enough to go to war?

Donald Rumsfeld: Enough to go to war. How do I answer that? Well, let me try it like this: Saddam keeps sayin’ he’s got something for us.. something he calls proof, but let’s confess. He’s been a-messin’ where he shouldn’t a-been a-messin’. Now someone else is gettin’ all the best. Now, as I see it, these boots are made for walkin’.. and that.. that’s just what they’re gonna do. One of these days – I don’t know the exact date, but sometime in the future – these boots are gonna walk all over ‘im. Karen?

Reporter #4: I.. was gonna ask you a different question.. but.. was that the Nancy Sinatra song “These Boots Are Made For Walking”, sir?

Donald Rumsfeld: You make can anything of it you want to, Karen. It’s an undeniable fact.. The man keeps lyin’ when he oughtta be truthin’.. and he keeps losin’ when he oughtta not bet. He keeps samin’ when he oughtta be a-changin’. And what’s right is right, he just has not been right yet. What more can I say? [ begins to sing ] “These boots are made for walkin’, that’s just what they’ll do.. one of these days these boots.. [ music stops ] ..are gonna walk right over this guy.. Doug?

Reporter #5: Listen, we’re respecting members of the press here. You can’t just sing “These Boots Are Made For Walking”, and expect us to print it.

Donald Rumsfeld: I don’t see why not. I kinda feel like I can do anything I want to up here. When it comes to Saddam.. [ singing again ] He keeps playin’ where he shouldn’t be a-playin’. He keeps thinkin’ that he’ll never get burned. I just found me a brand new box of matches, yeah-ah! What I know, you ain’t had time to learn! The boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.” Are you ready boots? Start walkin’, all the way to Baghdad. Put that in your press and smoke it! And, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
College Dean…..Ray Liotta
Co-Ed #1…..Maya Rudolph
Co-Ed #2…..Amy Poehler

Announcer V/O: [ over scrolling SUPER ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was a rising star in the Baltimore advertising scene. Then, upon receiving a mysterious package, the contents of which he never divulged, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.

[ dissolve to Falconer laying on the ground, trapped under a log, as Donald keeps a watchful eye ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald.. here I lay, pinned beneath this mighty mountain pine felled by high winds. Trapped in its wooden clutch, I can only wonder what fate has in store for me.

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: [ defensive ] Well, I’m sorry that I’m ruining your birthday! But I happen to have a 2,000-pound log crushing my spine right now! [ pleading ] You’ve got to help me.. go find someone – anyone – who has the know-how to lift a tree! So be gone, my friend! [ Donald flies into the air to search for help ] My life hangs in the balance!!

[ Falcon flies through the air in search of salvation; close-up of his steadfast face ]

[ dissolve to Falcon swooping down in College Dean’s office ]

College Dean: Oh, Falcon! Welcome back to the College of Environmental Science & Forestry!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: Oh-ho, yes! [ touched ] You noticed! I’ve been named the Dean of log Removal!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: Oh, my.. that’s terrible!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: Oh, really..?

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: I can’t believe he forgot your birthday!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: Well.. how would you like to celebrate?

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: [ chuckles ] Fine.

[ dissolve to exterior, Alpha Delta Psi Sorority ]

[ dissolve to interior, where the keg party is in full swing, with the College Dean dancing with a group of co-eds ]

College Dean: It’s a great party! Where’s the beer?!

Co-Ed #1: Over there!

[ Co-Ed #1 points off-camera, which pans over to reveal the Falcon operating the keg tap as another co-ed fills her cup ]

[ dissolve to party picking up in intensity, as Falcon perches upon co-ed’s shoulder holding two test tube shots in his talons ]

[ dissolve to a fun game of Limbo, as the Falcon goes under the limbo stick ]

Voice of Co-Ed: Come on, Falcon!

Falcon: [ screeches in excitement ]

[ dissolve to Falcon holding camcorder, as two co-eds flash their boobs for him ]

[ dissolve to Falcon in an intimate conversation with Co-Ed #2 ]

Co-Ed #2: Hey.. you wanna go upstairs?

Falcon: [ squawks ]

Co-Ed #2: [ giggles ] I know. [ moves in to kiss Falcon on the beak ]

[ dissolve to College Dean in bed with co-eds, Falcon perched atop the headboard ]

College Dean: Oh, I’ve got an idea! Let’s go to IHOP and get some waffles!

[ the girls giggle, Falcon flies in the air to leave ]

Co-Ed #2: Oh, Falcon.. you never stay.

[ Falcon flies into the air; close-up of his steadfast face ]

[ Falcon spots a saw and toolkit lying in the grass below, and swoops down for it ]

[ dissolve to The Falconer still trapped under the log ]

The Falconer: Oh, many is the day I wish I never opened that mysterious package.. containing, as it did..

[ Falcon swoops down and drops the saw to the Falconer’s legs ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald! Oh, Donald! I knew I could count on you! [ holds up saw ] I will use this saw to cut the tree, and free myself so that I may live!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: You’re right! It would be quicker to just cut my leg off! Oh, Donald. You’re a true friend! Hopefully, one day we can return to society. But until that day, you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..

Announcer V/O: ..”The Falconer”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

Global Century Investments

Peter Burke…..Chris Parnell
Investor #1…..Maya Rudolph
Investor #2…..Jim Downey
Investor #3…..Fred Armisen
Investor #4…..Seth Meyers
Investor #5…..Rachel Dratch
Investor #6…..Chris Kattan
Investor #7…..Will Forte
Investor #8…..Dean Edwards
Investor #9…..Amy Poehler
Investor #10…..Jimmy Fallon

[ SUPER: “Straight talk about today’s markets” ]

[ dissolve to Peter burke standing before a seminar of investors ]

Peter Burke: [ acknowledging a raised hand ] Yes?

Investor #1: We’re entering the fourth year of a down stock market. Is it time to sell yet?

Investor #2: Have we hit bottom yet?

Investor #3: What can you tell small investors who are really starting to worry?

[ cut to Peter Burke ]

[ SUPER: “Peter Burke, CEO Global Century Investments” ]

Peter Burke: Just this: Relax. The market goes up, the market goes down. But, over the long haul, the market goes up. [ a hand is raised ] Yes?

Investor #4: Is there any chance the stocks might rebound this year?

Peter Burke: I’m really the wrong guy to ask. I got completely out of stocks in late ’99, and I haven’t followed the market since.

Investor #5: You got out of the market three years ago?

Peter Burke: Yes. You see.. around that time, we at Global Century became convinced that stocks were headed for a crash, and that bonds were the safer bet. And, we were right. My own bond portfolio is up nearly 30%.

Investor #5: But, if you were moving out of stocks and into bonds three years ago, why were your brokers telling people like me to do the exact opposite.

Peter Burke: Well, obviously, if you think, as we did, that stocks are heading down, and you want to unload them before a crash, you have to convince somebody out there to buy them. That’s just common sense. [ a hand is raised ] Yes?

Investor #6: Back in the summer of 2001, I wanted to move money into some defense-related and home security stocks, but your brokers talked me out of it. Is that because you and your friends were buying those stocks and wanted to keep the price down?

Peter Burke: Exactly! We felt that, with the 9/11 terror attacks coming up later in the summer, that sector of the market would probabyl triple in value. And, once again, we were right.

Investor #7: [ amazed ] You knew in advance about 9/11?

Peter Burke: Basically. [ a hand is raised ] Yes?

Investor #8: So, earlier, when you said you don’t own any stocks, that was a lie, right?

Peter Burke: Correct. That was a lie. [ a hand is raised ] Yes?

Investor #9: Hi. Like a lot of us here, I followed your broker’s advice, and, over the last few years, I lost 80% of my life savings.

Peter Burke: That does not surprise me at all.

Investor #9: I’d just like to say, that even though I think you’re an evil person, and even though I came here intending to kill you, I’ve been really impressed with your honesty.

[ everyone claps ]

You’re kind of straight talk is rare in today’s business world.

Peter Burke: Thank you. At Global Century, we like to be completely upfront with our clients. That’s why, in our prospectus, we clearly state that our investment advice is often self-interested or deceitful, and may work to our client’s disadvantage. We think.. you deserve to know that.

[ everyone claps ]

Voiceover: For straight answers to your investment questions, stop by our offices for a free consultation.

Peter Burke: Yes?

Investor #10: It doesn’t say that in your prospectus.

Peter Burke: Sure it does.

Investor #10: No, it doesn’t.

Peter Burke: Yes. It’s in there. You have to read it.

Investor #10: I read it. It’s not in there.

Peter Burke: You’re right. It’s not in there. I just assumed you hadn’t read it.

Investor #10: I appreciate your honesty.

Peter Burke: You bet.

Voiceover: Global Century Investments. Hard questions, straight answers.

SNL Transcripts

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

Goodnights

…..Ray Liotta

Ray Liotta: Thanks to The Donnas! Thank you, everybody! Carson, I love you! Thank you to these guys! Thank you! Thank you, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

The Hangman

The Hangman…..Ray Liotta
Bart…..Will Forte
Bart’s Wife…..Amy Poehler
Grandma…..Rachel Dratch

Jingle:
“He protects the region
No honest man should fear him
He’s swift to call for justice, he is..
The Hangman.”

Anouncer: “The Hangman”! In color!

[ dissolve to close-up on Hangman’s noose. camera pans to reveal Hangman speaking to criminal Bart from outside Bart’s cell ]

The Hangman: This could be your last meal, so enjoy it. When it comes sunrise, you belong to me.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!

Bart: Don’t you worry. My family will figure out some way to come up with the money.

The Hangman: For your sake, they’d better!

Bart: Oh, they won’t let me down.. I just know it.

[ Bart’s Wife and Grandma enter ]

Bart’s Wife: Well, Bart.. we couldn’t raise the money. I fear tomorrow morning, you belong to.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!

Grandma: It’s not over, child! The Lord will show us the way out of this dark valley.

Bart’s Wife: I hope you’re right, Grandma.

Bart: Please, Hangman.. I don’t want to die. I only stole that cow so I could get some milk for my younguns.

The Hangman: Well, I’m sorry, son. That cow belongs to Col. Blackstone, and he’s a mighty powerful man in these parts.

Bart’s Wife: But Col. Blackstone doesn’t deal out the justice in Stone Canyon. You do, Hangman. Isn’t there anything you can do?

Bart: Isn’t there anything you want?

The Hangman: Could you ladies excuse us for a second? [ the women exit ] I need to set you straight, partner! You don’t try to bribe.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!

Bart: I’m sorry.. I-

The Hangman: I want you to hear something, and I want you to hear it good! I am.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman! Justice is my creed, and justice is my way of life!

Bart: I-I understand-

The Hangman: On the other hand.. I am incredibly horny! So.. maybe we could work something out, if ya.. get my drift.

Bart: [ unsteady ] I.. never made it with.. another man.. but I guess-

The Hangman: Whoa, whoa, whoa! not you, homo! I’m talking about that fine lady you brought with you.

Bart: Hangman, I don’t want to die. But my marriage is a sacred thing. I’m not sure my wife could ever forgive me if I asked her to lay with you..

The Hangman: A-gain! you’re getting waaay ahead of me! I am not a homewrecker! I don’t want you wife. [ a beat ] I want your grandma! [ laughs ]

Bart: Aw, man! That’s gross!

The Hangman: You’re not in a position to judge! I mean, what’s the big deal? I’s like the gray foxes! [ laughs sadistically ]

Bart: Come on, man! She’s 82!

The Hangman: 82 years.. young.

Bart: That didn’t make it sound better! You still want to have sex with my grandma!

The Hangman: It’s either that, or you swing from the gallows!

Bart: [ shaking head ] Oh.. I gotta talk to my wife about this.. Katie! Come here!

[ Bart’s Wife re-enters ]

Bart’s Wife: What is it, Bart?

Bart: Well.. the Hangman’s willing to let me go.. in exchange for sexual favors..

Bart’s Wife: [ willing without question ] Alright, Hangman! You’re in for the ride of your life!

Bart: [ outraged at her willingness ] Keep your bloomers on, Katie!

Bart’s Wife: I know it’s a big sacrifice.. but if he’s willing to let you go, I’ll do him and his buddies!

Bart: Wait! Who-who said anything about his buddies?! Hey, he doesn’t want you! He wants Grandma!

Bart’s Wife: [ now turned off ] Well, that’s gross! Hangman, please.

The Hangman: What?!

Bart’s Wife: Come on, you’re like 30! And she’s 82! And a ripe 82, at that! It’s not normal!

The Hangman: It’s more common than you think. Late at night, I get on the telegraph.. a lot of people are into older ladies! [ changes subject ] Anyway! That’s the only way Bart goes free!

Bart: [ relunctant ] Katie, she’s, uh.. your grandma.. so, uh.. maybe you should ask her?

Bart’s Wife: I am not gonna ask my Grandma to bone the Hangman!

Bart: Fine! Fine! I’ll ask her! Grandma, come here! [ Grandma re-enters ] The Hangman said he would let me go.

Grandma: [ relieved ] I knew the Lord would save you!

Bart: Not so quick, Grandma.. there’s a catch. You see, uh.. he wants to, uh.. how do I put this, uh.. I can’t really say this out loud.. He wants to.. [ bends over and whispers in Grandma’s ear ]

Grandma: What? Huh? Posse?! I don’t have a posse! What?!

The Hangman: Let me tell her! Ma’am, I’ll let Bart go if you agree.. to make love with me.

Grandma: [ turned off ] Oh, that’s gross! Come on! I’m 82!

Bart’s Wife: [ being helpful ] I could wear a grey wig, soak in the tub and get all pruny!

Bart: Katie!

Bart’s Wife: What?!

The Hangman: That won’t do! Grandma, you are the only thing that can save Bart from the noose!

Grandma: [ giving in ] Fine! I’ll do it! I gotta worn ya – last time I did this, I broke my hip!

[ Hangman and Grandma exit to back room ]

Bart: I feel terrible for putting Grandma through that, but, uh..

[ Hangman and Grandma re-enter ]

The Hangman: Ohhhhh, I couldn’t go through with it! You’re good country people.. so I’m gonna let you go free, and stay true to the Hangman’s Code!

Grandma: Hangman’s Code? Please! I unbuttoned his pants, and Quickdraw McGraw here was done!

The Hangman: It doesn’t matter, the reason! I’m letting you go, Bart! [ opens up cell ]

Bart: Hangman, I think you need some help.

The Hangman: Leave, before I change my mind! And don’t be telling everybody about this! I have a reputation to maintain! After all, I am.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

Live with Regis & Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Gelman…..Chris Kattan
David Caruso…..Ray Liotta

Announcer: It’s “Live with Regis & Kelly”! Today, we’ve got the star of the hit CBS drama “CSI Miami, David Caruso; from Broadway’s “Man of La Mancha”, Brian Stokes Mitchell; plus: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia. Now, here are Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa!

[ Regis and Kelly enters set and take their seats ]

Kelly Ripa: Morning!

Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, good morning, everybody! Let me start off-

Kelly Ripa: [ interrupting ] Good morning, what a great day, it’s snowing!

Regis Philbin: [ tries again ] A dear friend of mine-

Kelly Ripa: Don’t you love it when it snows in New York? It’s so romantic!

Regis Philbin: [ makes another stab at his story ] ..And a friend of mine is in the audience today. I’ve known him for over forty years.

Kelly Ripa: Wowwww.. I haven’t known anybody for four years!

Regis Philbin: [ tries again ] He calls me up one night around dinner time-

Kelly Ripa: Oh, like a telemarketer! Why do they always call at dinner time? Regis! Did you think he was a telemarketer?

Regis Philbin: [ stunned ] Anyway, let me tell you. The phone rings, I see the Caller ID – do you have this on, do you have the Caller ID? It’s terrific!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah, you can use it to screen your calls.

Regis Philbin: Oh. [ begins his spiel, as Kelly talks amongst herself next to him ] The Caller ID says “Chester Lesko. I dn’t recognize the name, so I don’t answer it! That’s the kind of guy I am! I know he’s my friend, I’ve known him for forty years! But I know him as “Chicky”! I know him as Chicky Lesko! All my life, I thought his name was Chicky! I thought it was his real name! Anyway, he’s here today – so wonderful!

Alright. Now, I understand you brought some new pictures of the kiddies to show us.

Kelly Ripa: Yes. This is 16-month old..

Regis Philbin: Adorable!

Kelly Ripa: This is my 11-month old..

Regis Philbin: Adorable!

Kelly Ripa: This is my 7-month old..

Regis Philbin: So cute!

Kelly Ripa: And this is my 3-month old, she’s a wittle peanut!

Regis Philbin: Adorable! Oh, boy! [ points to Kelly’s pregnant stomach ] And when is this one due again?

Kelly Ripa: This one’s due any time now, and we found out this weekend that there’s one in there behind it that’s due in July!

Regis Philbin: She’s very fertile, this one! She’s delivered more babies than Dr. Kildare!

Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] Who is that! Is that your doctor! [ laughs ]

Regis Philbin: Anyway.. how are you today, Gelman?

[ cut to Gelman standing in front of camera, wrapped in a feather boa ]

Gelman: I’m great, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Gelman! How was your weekend?

Gelman: Fine. My wife and I had dinner at Pestiff’s. Uh.. then I went to out a few clubs of my own, so..

Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Now, who’s our first guest today, Gelman?

Gelman: David Caruso.

Kelly Ripa: Ah! He was so good in “Jade”!

Regis Philbin: And “NYPD Blue” and “CSI”. boy, he’s got real charisma, this guy. He’s a regular James Cagney!

Kelly Ripa: Who is that! Nobody knows who that is, Reege!

Regis Philbin: [ stunned ] Please welcome.. David Caruso!

[ David Caruso comes out and sits ]

David Caruso: Morning! Morning!

Regis Philbin: Boy, oh boy, oh boy.. “CSI Miami” is back. You are hot, baby, you are on top!

Kelly Ripa: You are so believable on that show! [ to Regis ] Isn’t he believable?

David Caruso: [ humbly, yet annoyed ] Thank you. I feel very fortunate to have a project that was worthy of me.

Kelly Ripa: Like “Jade”! “Jade”.

Regis Philbin: Now, for those of you who don’t remember.. David was very popular on “NYPD Blue”. But he said, “I’m getting out of here. I’m too big for this,” and you left. You lerned your lesson, ’cause you were out of work for years! Ka-poot!

David Caruso: Actually, I made some films during that time, that I’m very, very proud of. “Cold Around The Heart”.. “Body Count”..

Regis Philbin: Nobody saw it!

David Caruso: A film called “Swirly”.

Regis Philbin: Nobody saw it!

David Caruso: “Deadlock”.

Regis Philbin: Nobody!

Kelly Ripa: I saw it. I didn’t like it! [ laughs at her inanity ]

Regis Philbin: But now you’re back, David – boy, with “CSI Miami”.. and, David, I gotta ask you, why did you fire Kim Delaney?

David Caruso: I didn’t fire her, Regis. Sometimes when a show is new, it takes time to find the right balance between me, the main character, and the other talking meat sticks.

Regis Philbin: You hated her guts, didn’t you, David?

David Caruso: No, not at all.

Regis Philbin: You got rid of her.

David Caruso: No, no, no.. the producers felt that-

Regis Philbin: How do you do it, David? When you have a co-host that drive you nuts, how do you get rid of her?!

Kelly Ripa: [ catching on, laughing ] Re-gis!

Regis Philbin: I mean, after fifty years in the business.. who do I have to schtuck to get my own show?!

David Caruso: It’ll come, it’ll come.. you have to trust your talent.

Regis Philbin: Tell me, Gelman – Gelman! Who do I have to schtuck?!

Gelman: [ chuckling, shakes head ] Don’t look at me, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Anyway.. Joy and I had Jerry and Elaine over for breakfast the other day – it was nothing fancy, just some Egg Beaters, some toast with Smart Balance.. and Big Jerry Orbach – you know, he’s tall – he said to me that he wanted-

[ in the middle of Regis’ story, Kelly suddenly gives birth to one of the children she was carrying in her stomach ]

Kelly Ripa: Ohhhh, it’s a boy! [ to her stomach ] You have a brother! [ baby is taken away ]

Regis Philbin: There goes my story! I’m trying to tell a story, she’s squeezing one out over here! [ to audience ] When we come back: Wild, Wild, Wild Trivia! David, do you like trivia?

David Caruso: [ fuming ] No.

Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Join us, for trivia!

[ show fades ]

SNL Transcripts

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

Ray Liotta’s Monologue

…..Ray Liotta
…..Jimmy Fallon

Ray Liotta: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much, thank you very much! I gotta say, this week has been such a great experience! I mean, everyone here, they work so hard, it’s 24 hours ’round the clock, it’s up all night, it’s amazing, it is so cool! I’ve been hanging out with the entire cast the whole time – especially my man Jimmy! [ laughs ] Where is he? Where is he? [ looks to his right ] Hey! Jim-my! Jimmy Fallon! [ runs off-camera and pulls Jimmy Fallon into the shot ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ relunctant to join Liotta onstage ] How are ya’? Yeah, I gotta get going..

Ray Liotta: Man, we had fun last night, didn’t we?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.. yeah, right..

Ray Liotta: You left early, where’d you go?

Jimmy Fallon: It was 8 a.m. I went to sleep.

Ray Liotta: No, you didn’t! I waited for you in your apartment.

Jimmy Fallon: You were in my apartment?

Ray Liotta: Yeah, yeah! I busted the lock!

Jimmy Fallon: Sheesh..

Ray Liotta: I was waiting for you ’til, like, noon!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah..

Ray Liotta: That’s a pretty long time to wait!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I really gotta get going, Ray..

Ray Liotta: Okay, Jimbo. I’ll see you later. Hey! Have a good game!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. [ exits stage ]

Ray Liotta: You know what? I’m gonna get to know you people, too. We’re gonna be best friends. Just like me.. and Jimmy Fallon. Because I’m.. [ singing ] ..”Getting to know you.. getting to know al about you..” Hi! “Getting to like you.. getting to hope you like me.” [ approaches Tracy Morgan and Chris Kattan near a staircase set in the studio ] Ah! Tracy and Kattan – hey! What’s up, guys!

[ Tracy Morgan and Chris Kattan flee the stage ]

Whoa! Alright, catch you guys later! You know, this is fun. You know why? Because I’m.. [ singing as he walks up stairs set to audience ] ..”Getting to know you.. putting it my way, but nicely.. you are precisely, my cup of tea.” [ is now standing amongst the upper-level audience members ] Look at all these people, these great people! Hi-i-iii! [ turns to woman ] Hi, where are you from?

Woman in Audience: Um.. I’m from North Carolina.

Ray Liotta: That’s great! I’m from New Jersey!

Man in Audience: [ interrupting ] I’m from New Jersey, too!

Ray Liotta: [ angered, music stops ] Sir.. was I talking to you? Huh? Did I say one word to you?

Man in Audience: N-no-o..

Ray Liotta: Sooo, you should not talk. right, sir? right? Is that clear?

Man in Audience: I.. I-I’m sorry..

Ray Liotta: I said.. don’t talk! Okay! Now, everybody – I want everybody to sing with me! I mean this, okay! And.. [ singing ] ..”Getting to know you.. getting to know all about you. Getting to like you.. getting to hope you like me!” [ stops ] You know what? Jimmy. We gotta get Jimmy! Jimmy would love this! My friend Jimmy Fallon! Where’s my friend Jimmy Fallon?! Now, listen to me: when he cems out, everybody’s gotta sing even louder! Okay! Liuder, alright? Let me go find him!

[ Liotta runs back down to the first level, and searches backstage for Jimmy ]

Jimmy! Jimmy, where- oh, he’s probably in our favorite place! [ pulls back quick-dress curtain to reveal a laughing Jimmy Fallon ] Jimmy! Come on! Listen, everyone’s gonna sing here for us, okay?

Jimmy Fallon: Oh.. okay..

Ray Liotta: Ready? Everybody! And.. [ singing ] “Getting to know you.. getting to know all a-“ Come on! Come on! Sing!! “Getting to like you.. getting to hope you like me..” Shhhh.. “Haven’t you noticed.. suddenly I’m bright and bree-eezy. Because of.. all.. the.. beautiful and new.. things.. I’m.. learning about you.. dayyyy.. byyyy.. dayyyy..”

We’ve got a great show! The Donnas are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Jimmy Fallon: [ excitedly ] He’s the best, we love him!

Ray Liotta: Shut up! [ punches Jimmy Fallon, knocks him to the ground ]

SNL Transcripts

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte
…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

President Bush announced Wednesday that his administration would challenge an affirmative action program at the University of Michigan, calling it “fundamentally flawed.” It’s nice to know that, while juggling Iraq, North Korea and economic reform, the President still has time to stick it to the black man. Happy Martin Luther King Day, everybody!

The MTA will hold hearings next month to discuss ending the use of subway tokens in New York. Apparently, the only joy MTA workers get is watching people incorrectly swipe a metro card and then slam their groins into the turnstile. Sick people, they’re sick people!

Tina Fey: Guy Ritchie said in an interview this week that he and wife Madonna have not watched television in three years, to avoid seeing any unpleasant news stories about themselves. They have also stopped going to Walgreens, to avoid seeing “Swept Away” in the video bean- bin! In the video bin, between the chocolate Easter bunnies and the itch cream. I tripped on it a little bit, but it’s just a mean joke about Madonna! They won’t see it, they don’t watch TV!

Jimmy Fallon: This past Monday, Sen. Joe Lieberman announced his candidacy for the 2004 Presidential election. And, today, another high-profile politician announced that he’s running as well. Please welcome Tim Calhoun, everybody.

Tim Calhoun: I am Tim Calhoun.. and I am running for the office of President of America. You’re probably wondering why I, Tim Calhoun, should be next President of America.. and that is why I am going to tell you why I, Tim Calhoun, should be next President of America. I’ve got a lot of great ideas.

I propose a little more California, and a little less Mexico.

When’s there going to be a China person on the Supreme Court? I propose.. never.

I say we ask France if they want to trade the Eiffel Tower for the Grand Canyon.. but after they send us the Eiffel Tower, we don’t send them the Grand Canyon.

Horsey sex is bad. I want to make a law against that. Horseys are for riding.

Blind people think they’re so cool.

[ checking his note cards ]

I miss dinosaurs. Let’s do something about that.

In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun, and I’ll turn unemployment into a shiny diamond.

Jimmy Fallon: Tim Calhoun for President, everybody! Good luck to you, buddy!

Tina Fey: A new solution to menstrual cramps, on the market, is Vipon, a vibrating, motorized tampon that shakes with a comforting frequency – unless you anger it. Then, Vipon go crazy, smash uterus!

Jimmy Fallon: A study reveals that dogs catching a frisbee use the same instinctive arithmetic as outfielders when they catch a fly ball.

Tina Fey: Bitch! I told you “Air Bud 2” was real!

Jimmy Fallon: Woman! It’s a movie!

Joan Rivers will not face charges for an incident in which she assaulted a clerk at a car rental agency. Rivers was so relieved by the news, she immediately scheduled an operation to have a smile installed.

Because they are sluggish and no longer amuse the public, a number of middle age chimpanzees in a German zoo are being sent to earlier retirement. Zoo officials said they knew the chimps were slowing down, when they started throwing their poop underhand.

Tina Fey: This week, the Bush administration filed two briefs with the Supreme Court. They claim that affirmative action programs at the University of Michigan were actually nothing more than racial quota systems in disguise, and were unconstitutional. Here to share his own views on affirmative action, is our own Tracy Morgan.

[ Tracy Morgan scoots up behind desk, dressed to the hilt like a Pimp Daddy ]

Tracy Morgan: Yup! Well, that’s the end of that! Don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about, Jimmy and Tina Fey! Right after the President came out against affirmative action, I noticed I wasn’t in any sketches this week! ME!! Tracy Morgan! The STAR of this show!! Now, how do you explain that, Jim?!

Jimmy Fallon: I.. you didn’t really have a funny sketch this week..

Tracy Morgan: [ laughs ] I love you, Jim Fallon.. but you are one blind dude! Tina know! ‘Cause she was in on it! It was her, and lorne Michaels – they against affirmative action!

Tina Fey: Ah, ah.. no, Tracy.. I firmly stand behind affirmative action. I just think that in this case..

Tracy Morgan: Ah, nah! Don’t try your Jedi mind trick on me, Tina! You see, I’m a Jedi Master! I’m not gonna be the Connie Rice of this show! Did you see that, Jim?! Did you see where Bush and Cheney and Tina Fey tried to pull sweet, sweet Condi into this whole mess!

Jimmy Fallon: A little bit..

Tracy Morgan: She wasn’t with him, Jim!

Jimmy Fallon: Nope..

Tracy Morgan: She came out today! To-day! And she says she ain’t havin’ none of them! Yo, Con-di! Con-di! You know me, baby. It’s Big Tray from the group home. [ singing ] “Do you remember the time.. we fell in love? Do you remember the time.. when we first met, gi-irl?”

Tina Fey: He’s singing Michael Jackson..

Tracy Morgan: Condoleeza! I know you remember me! Girl! Yuo gotta hollar at your boy Bush – set him straight! Once you talk to him.. Tina, Lorne, they gonna fall in line! And I’ll be back, heavy on the show! You know what I’m sayin’? Handle your business, girl! Hit me on the cellular! Peace in the Middle East, I’m out!

Tina Fey: Tracy Morgan, everybody!
,br>[ Tracy scoots away, off the set ]

Is he gone?

Jimmy Fallon: How did he find out?

Tina Fey: I don’t know.. I didn’t tell him.

Jimmy Fallon: Probably Bill Gates told him..

Tina Fey: Maybe Lorne told himm.. hmm..

[ moving on to final joke ]

Jimmy Fallon: Castaway Travels is offering a vacation package that includes a clothes-free night.. uh.. clothes-free flight, from Miami.. uh, let me start this over.

Tina Fey: Start over!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! Alright, here we go.. this is gonna be great! Act surprised!

Castaway Travels is offering a vacation package that includes a clothes-free flight from Miami to Cancun. Good God, that’s a huge set-up there.

Tina Fey: Wait. A naked airline? Are you thinking what I’m thinking.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s right, Tina. I think it’s time for a Weekend Update Joke-Off.

[ festive music plays, show title card ]

Okay, okay.. there’s an airline where all the passenger are naked! Ready? go! Uh.. more nuts? Yes! how did you know? [ slaps buzzer ]

Tina Fey: Uh.. uh.. Careful! Your bags may have shifted during the flight! [ slaps buzzer ]

Jimmy Fallon: Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll look to your right, you’ll see some grand canyons! [ slaps buzzer ]

Tina Fey: Uh.. for the last time, Ma’am: vibrators are not an approved electronic device! [ slaps buzzer ]

Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. this is the only plane that has fourteen cockpits! [ slaps buzzer ]

Tina Fey: Uh.. uh.. we’re about to land, please put your genitals in the upright and locked position! [ slaps buzzer ]

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, Tina Fey wins! With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 8th, 2003

Matthew McConaughey

Dixie Chicks

None

U.N. Security Session

U.N. delegates plot hijinks during session with Colin Powell (Darrell Hammond).

Matthew McConaughey’s Monologue

McConaughey smokes pot in dressing room while looking for old photo.

Blind Date

While on date, man (McConaughey) is bad guesser of woman’s (Rachel Dratch) stats.

Nutri-Quick

(Repeat) See: 10/05/02.

Jarret’s Room

33-year old Sophomore (McConaughey) enjoys the lasting college life.

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, DJ Jonathan Feinstein, Jeff.

Anti-War Rally

Demonstrator (McConaughey) can’t assemble an organized crowd for protest.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Joe Jackson (Tracy Morgan) comments on how Michael raises children.

Patrick (Will Forte) & Gunther Kelly (Fred Armisen) sing tax-help song.

Clubb Traxx

Eurotrash singer Chrome (McConaughey) delights anti-war teen music enthusiasts.

Office Stories

Rowdy (McConaughey) uses office schlep (Chris Kattan) to illustrate his bar stories.

Second Time Around

Glenda Goodwin (Maya Rudolph) interviews pyramid schemer (McConaughey).

Recurring Characters: Glenda Goodwin.

Matthew McConaughey’s Red Hot Texas Chili

McConaughey’s chili recipe gives him problem with gas.