Category: 2000

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Woodrow

Actor…..Chris Kattan
Actress…..Molly Shannon
Director…..Chris Parnell
…..Kate Hudson
Woodrow…..Tracy Morgan
Cafe Manager…..Will Ferrell

[ open on a group of actors sitting outside a Hollywood cafe ]

Actor: Anyway, long story short – I’m at home getting paid for doing squat.

Actress: And, believe me, you’re good at doing that!
[ everyone laughs ]

Actor: I am!

Director: [ changing subject ] Kate, what time do we have to be backon the set?

Kate Hudson: Uh.. 1:20, we’ve got some time.

Actress: Hey, how’s the movie going?

Kate Hudson: Oh.. great!

[ the sound of a car screeching to a halt can be heard ]

Voice in Street: Hey! Watch where you’re going!

Woodrow: [ running forward ] Whoo! Blast off! Hey, everyone, it’sme, Woodrow!

Actress: [ holding her nose ] Eugh!

Actor: [ horrified ] Oh, my God! He stinks!

Cafe Manager: Excuse me, Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.

Woodrow: I’m Woodrow! [ holds up mangled script ] I got a movie partfor Kate, it’s a doozy!

[ everyone laughs at him ]

Actress: Oh, my God, this guy actually thinks he’s in the biz!

Woodrow: Stop! Stop laughing at me!

Director: [ laughing ] Even the homeless in this town have a script!I bet he directs!

Woodrow: It’s not funny! [ starts crying ]

Kate Hudson: [ gets up to comfort Woodrow ] Hey, hey, you’re hurtinghis feelings. It’s okay. I’ll look at your movie script.

Woodrow: You will?

Kate Hudson: Yes.

Woodrow: It’s only a part of it. The best part, I left at home.

Kate Hudson: Oh. Well, let’s go look at it. Where do you live?

Woodrow: Right here. [ points to manhole in middle of street ]

Kate Hudson: In the sewer?

Woodrow: Yeah. Come on.

[ Woodrow opens manhole and climbs down. Kate follows, much to the horrorof her friends. ]

Director: Kate, remember we gotta be back at the studio by 1:30!

Actress: Geez.. oh, my gosh, you guys, I think I’m gonna be sick.That guy smelled awful!

Actor: Well, she can kiss her career goodbye.

Director: Really? Why?

Actor: Well, you never go down in a sewer with a homelessman! It’s career-ending. Don’t you know anything?!

[ cut to Woodrow and Kate reaching the bottom of the sewer – harp musicsets the scene ]

Woodrow: Well, here we are. I like it because it’s rent-controlled.

Kate Hudson: It’s nice.

Woodrow: Here, would you like a doggie biscuit?

Kate Hudson: Uh.. no thank you.

Woodrow: How about a can of baby formula?

Kate Hudson: Sure. So, okay.. what about this movie script?

Woodrow: Oh, that? Uh.. [ fakes sound of phone ringing ] Ring!Ring! I gotta take this one.. [ picks up piece of board ] Buy, sell!Buy, sell! Buy, sell! Funny money, boo-bah! [ hangs up board ]

Kate Hudson: Wow. That sounded important..

Woodrow: Yeah. That’s Wall Street stuff. I’m sorry about that.Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah – the movie script. You don’t really wantto read this, do you?

Kate Hudson: Oh, no, I do. I really do.

Woodrow: Really? That’s a relief. I gotta be honest.. you knowthat phone call I just had?

Kate Hudson: Yeah?

Woodrow: That was a fake. I was just trying to impress you. Infact, I’m not really that rich. I’m just a gret, big phony.

Kate Hudson: Oh, I don’t think you’re a phony.

Woodrow: Thanks! [ holds up script ] Okay, in this scene, you playAmanda Kiln, and I’ll play the part of Dr. Jergens.

Kate Hudson: Okay. [ reads from script ] “Tell me, Doctor Jergens,is my liver gonna be okay?”

Woodrow: “No. No, it’s not. Your liver has a brain tumor. It’sserious.”

Kate Hudson: “How serious?”

Woodrow: “Medical. That’s how.”

Kate Hudson: “Is it laryngitis?”

Woodrow: “Yes. You’re going to die in.. in.. in a minute or so.”

Kate Hudson: “Oh, God, this crazy world, Doctor, I’m scared!”

Woodrow: “You know, when I’m scared, I have a song I like to sing,and I want you to sing it with me.. [ singing ]
‘Toasters and birds, little pigeon turds
Radio in my hair, it’s really not there
Because I.. love.. you..’
Now, your turn.’

Kate Hudson: “Okay. [ singing ]
‘Boogers and poop, dictionary soup
Run for the hills, we have to eat pills
And I.. love.. you..’“

Woodrow: “Now, both.”

Kate Hudson: “Ah.”

Together: [ singing ]
“‘Mr. Rubber Face, I’m from outer space
Kibbles ‘n Bits, tiny mouse tits
And I.. love.. you..
I.. love.. you..’“

Woodrow: This is it. This is where we kiss.

Kate Hudson: Like this? [ kisses Woodrow on the lips ]

Woodrow: See? You just made me piss my pants!

Kate Hudson: I’ve got an idea. Why don’t I introduce you to myagent?

Director: Hey, Kate! It’s past 1:30!

Kate Hudson: Oh, rats.. that’s my director..

Woodrow: You’d better get back..

Kate Hudson: Oh, I can’t leave.. I have feelings for you.. I thinkmaybe I.. I think..

Woodrow: Shh.. You belong up there, with them. Now go.

Kate Hudson: You sure?

Woodrow: Go, before I change my mind.

Kate Hudson: Bye. [ climbs back up the sewer ]

Woodrow: [ fakes the sound of a telephone, and holds the board tohis ear ] Hello? This is Woodrow. I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong number. [ hangs up – scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

The West Wing

President Bartlett…..Darrell Hammond
C.J…..Ana Gasteyer
Josh…..Jimmy Fallon
Donna…..Maya Rudolph
Sam…..Pierce Brosnan
Toby…..Chris Kattan

(On screen, opening for “The West Wing”, playing theme song)

Announcer: Tonight, television’s most acclaimed series presents it’s most anticipated show of the season. “The West Wing” episode written by Aaron Sorkin while high on mushrooms.

(Title: The Best thing I’ve ever written)

(President Bartlett and C.J. walking together down a hallway)

President Bartlett: Now, C.J., tell me again what group I’m about to address.

C.J.: You will be speaking to the American Library Association.

President Bartlett: And what is our position on libraries?

C.J.: We’re in favor of them, sir.

President Bartlett: You know, I don’t think I could get through this if I weren’t tripping on shrooms. Did you know I was high?

C.J.: I gathered that, sir.

President Bartlett: Would you like some? I got a shoebox full.

C.J.: No thank you, sir. I just took some ecstasy.

President Bartlett: Ah, ecstasy! Of course, in my day it was called MDA.

C.J.: So you’ve told me, sir.

President Bartlett: Did I ever tell you the active ingredient in mushrooms is cilocybin?

C.J.: Many times, sir.

President Bartlett: Ok.

(Josh and Donna walking together down a hallway)

Donna: Josh, do you have a minute?

Josh: Sure, walk with me.

Donna: I’m not sure how I feel about drug legalization. Would you tell me what to think?

Josh: Well, I just ate some mushrooms with the president about 20 minutes ago, so I’m not at my sharpest.

Donna: I just don’t get why tobacco is legal and drugs aren’t.

Josh: Stop talking logically, Donna. That sort of thing could lead to sensible public policy. Hey, Sam!

(Sam joins them)

Sam: Hi Josh! Here’s a fact: Did you know 100 million Americans die each year ’cause of smoking related illness, but there’s not one recorded instance of a death caused by hallucinogens.

Josh: Actually, I did know that, but thanks.

(All stop in their tracks)

Sam: Would you look at that!

(Image on screen of cats boxing)

Donna: That is so cool!

(President Bartlett, C.J., Toby and a man wearing a Native American costume walking together)

President Bartlett: Did I ever tell you that LSD was actually developed in an army lab?

C.J. & Toby: Many times, sor.

(Josh, Donna and Sam in front of a multi-colored background. All talking very slowly)

Josh: Are you alright? You don’t look so good.

Sam: I feel alright.

(Bartlett and man dressed in Native American costume enter)

President Bartlett: Whoa!

Sam, Donna & Josh: Hello Mr. President!

President Bartlett: This is my friend….(babbles incoherently)

Sam: Mr. President! Look!

(Image of flying saucer crashing into Capitol building dome. Explosion follows. Fade to black)

Announcer: Next week on “The West Wing.”

C.J.: (takes off glasses) What do you mean, the President can’t run again?

Toby: The President can’t run again for a simple reason: that he is melting. I saw the President melting.

C.J.: (looks shocked)

(Animation of two dinosaurs on screen, followed by a woman with scissors on her tongue, boxing kitties, and the scene from “Independence Day” when the White House is blown up by aliens)

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Inside the Actors Studio

James Lipton…..Will Ferrell
Drew Barrymoore…..Kate Hudson

[Fade in: Intro to “Inside the Actors Studio]

[Fade in: James Lipton, staring at the audience]

James Lipton: When one thinks of the gratest all-time films made by mankind, in this century or in any other… one name keeps coming up again and again and again and again. That, of course, is the great cinematographer Gregg Tolland. [audience applause] He cannot be here tonight because he is dead. Ha ha ha. But a face that he would have surely filmed is here with us tonight. Please welcome the wonderful, incomparable Drew Barrmoore.

[Drew comes in from off screen]

Drew Barrymore: Thank you. [shakes James’ hand] Oh, my god, it is so good to be here. It’s so magical. It’s so magical.

James Lipton: In 1982, a film was produced. A film that made not a little amount of money but in fact a great deal of mney. That film was “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.”

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my god, yes, yes.

James Lipton: You played Gertie, the precocious child who when she screamed at the E.T. sent a message out to the world, “I am, I am here, I am now.” If you haven’t seen the scene where Drew screams at the E.T., go right now to a place where videotapes or film are sold or rented, and buy it or rent and watch it. It is delightful. [laughs uproariously] What was it like acting with the E.T.?

Drew Barrymore: Um, I don’t know. So many feelings. [chokes up] You know, like the finger, ouch. The neck that stretched. It’s emotional. [laughs]

James Lipton: Indeed, emotional. Your family is truly Hollywood royalty, which is apparent when you annonced to the world that your next project was to be “Charlie’s Angels,” a television show which some have called the greatest show ever made… by humans. Why not a “Barney Miller” or “Starsky Hutch”?

Drew Barrymore: Well, we did start out with “Barney Miller.” Then during pre-production, we discovered there were no women in the original cast.

James Lipton: [uproarious laughing] Yes, marvelous, simply marvelous. You are a delight.

Drew Barrymore: Oh, you are a delight, too. It’s so magical.

James Lipton: In 1995, you do a film, a film which some call a “chick flick,” meaning a movie primarily intend for the opposite gender of myself. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore: [laughs] Yes.

James Lipton: The film, of course, “Boys On The Side.” And on that film, you worked with the Whoopi Goldberg. What was that like?

Drew Barrymore: Magical. Whoopi was so funny. Sometimes on the set, she would say, “No, child.”

[James and Drew laugh until James and the chair fall down. James crawls back up.]

James Lipton: We will conclude our evening with a questionnaire invened by the great Bernard Pivot of “Apostrophes” and “Bouillon de Culture” — [clutches wrist] I hurt my wrist — which has been asked of some of the finet minds of the 20th century. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

Drew Barrymore: Um, a knife maker.

James Lipton: What profession would you absolutely not like to participate in?

Drew Barrymore: Um, I wouldn’t ant to burn monkeys.

James Lipton: Nor they you. And finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?

Drew Barrymore: Um, “Hey, Drew Barrymoore, you have treated people with such care, tender care, and kindness. You smell like flowers.

James Lipton: [applauds] Drew Barrymoore, you are a delight.

Drew Barrymore: Thank you. [attempts to shake James hand]

James Lipton: [recoils] Son of a bee sting. Thank you.

Drew Barrymore: Thank you.

[logo appears, then fade]

Submitted by: Road Dog XVIII

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 20

00t: Christopher Walken / Weezer

Love-ahs

Walter … Christopher Walken
Virginia Clarvin … Rachel Dratch
Roger Clarvin … Will Ferrell
Catherine … Ana Gasteyer

[open to a patio with the Clarvins, Walter, and Catherine]

Virginia: Does anyone care for some baba ganoush or hummus before we start our main course? [Walter takes some] Yes, have some.

Roger: It’s so wonderful, Walter, when we’re graced with a visit from you.

Walter: Well, I always treasure my conferences at the university, and of course, my time with my old colleagues.

Catherine: I’m just so glad I got to come along. It’s so beautiful here.

Virginia: Oh, you must take advantage of the view from Pullman Falls. It’s absolutely perfect for lover’s walks.

Roger: Yes, are you taking lovers’ walks?

Catherine: Uh, what do you mean?

[Roger holds Virginia]

Virginia: Well, are you at the point in your relationship when you can walk hand-in-hand as lovers?

Catherine: I, um, guess so.

Walter: Actually, we haven’t ben seeing each other all that long.

[Catherine laughs]

Virginia: Oh, I see. So in due time, eh lover?

Roger: [as he rubs Virginia’s arms] Yes, Virginia. I remember our first days of courtship as if it were yesterday. Eager drives to Holyoke. Passionate cries of love making muffle into a feather pillow in order to avoid waking your roomate Chin Le. [kisses Virginia]

Virginia: Oh, yes, yes. Fond memories, my lover prince.

Roger: Yes.

Virginia: Can I get you more Sangria?

[Roger downs a glass of Sangria]

Walter: You’re never going to meet a couple more in love than Roger and Virginia.

Catherine: Sounds like it, yeah.

Roger: Surely, Katherine, you must have a story about your lover.

Catherine: Oh, I just think that’s best kept private.

Walter: Sure, she’s acting shy now, but she’s quite a curious lover.

Roger and Virginia: Oh.

Catherine: [shocked] Walter!

Walter: One wintry night after eating Indian… [pause] Catherine whispered into my ear, [at this time, Catherine grows upset and flinches] her breath rich with faraway spices, that she desire to make love. She wanted to try shinshi shinshi. Now, I’d been begging her to try sinshi shinshi for months. She’d refused on the grounds that it was unclean. Finally, she was willing to accept her lover’s body in places no one had ever trespassed. Specifically, the ear canal.

Catherine: Walter!

[an audience member hoots]

Roger: Walter, your stories always make me hungry. [moans with Virginia]

Virginia: Oh, Walter, we made your favorite tonight, moussaka. [laughs with Roger]

Catherine: What’s so funny?

Virginia: You see, Katherine, in our younger days [while Roger kisses Virginia’s hands] we took a glorious trip to the Greek Islands

Roger: We rented a krypsona on the Isle of Santorini.

Walter: And I was there, too.

Catherine: [sarcastically] Really?

Roger: Oh, yes.

Virginia: [while Roger starts rubbing Virginia’s shoulders] Yes, one day we returned to the Krypsona from the beach. Our bodies browned by the sun. And the locals had killed and roasted a goat and —

Roger: We filled our bellies with goat meat.

Virginia: Our hands greasy.

Walter: Mouths glistening.

Virginia: Yes, and —

Roger: Once again, our bodies sluggish with goat meat.

Catherine: Okay, all right, okay, do you think there’s any way we could save this one until after dinner.

[the Clarvins laugh]

Roger: No. That evening, Virginia and I made love so powerful, me thinks I heard the god Zeus chuckling from on high. [him and Virgnia touch each other]

Walter: And I was there, too.

Catherine: [shocked] Do you mean?

Walter: Bingo. We did a three way

[Catherine looks disgusted]

Virginia: Now, mind you, Catherine. This was a long time ago.

Roger: Yes, yes, this was a year and a half ago.

Catherine: [disgusted] Gross.

Virginia: So that’s why when I always think of the night I entertained not one but two lovers whenever I eat moussaka.

Catherine: [upset] All right, okay, Walter, Walter, I wanna go home.

Walter: What, lover, we only just arrived.

Roger: Perhaps our talk of lovers has made Catherine yearn for me shinshi shinshi.

Catherine: And I cannot believe you told them that.

[Catherine gets up and leaves in fury]

Walter: My lover has a fiery soul. I best chase her for she is my ride. [touches Virginia’s cheek] Good night, dear friends and former lovers.

Roger and Virginia: Good night, Walter.

Walter: Good night. [exists the scene]

Virginia: Good night, Walter. Oh, listen, the rhythm of the crickets.

Roger: [chirps like a cricket] “Make love.” [chirps again] “Make love.” Quick, quick, [clears the table as the two prepare to make love] let’s rub our legs and bodies against each other like cricket children and make love and night fancy. [grunts]

Virginia: Shouldn’t we go upstairs, lover?

Roger: No, right here, lover. [in pain] Ow, ow, my back, my back.

Virginia: Is it your back?

Roger: [mimicks Virginia] “Is it your back?” Yes it’s my back! Get the hell off me! [pushes her off]

[FADE]

Submitted by: Road Dog XVIII

SNL Transcripts

Anatominals

Jingle: “Anatominals
Like you and me
Anatominals
They have got to go
So let’s all come together at the Anatominal Show!”

Announcer: “Anatominals” is the sole property of NBC and NBC Productions.

Kogi Bear: Hey, Boo!

Boo: Hey, Kogi.

Kogi Bear: What’s eating you, pally pal?

Boo: I got a rash around my nads.

Kogi Bear: Have you tried using some Cort-Aid?

Boo: Yeah.

Kogi Bear: The extra strength stuff usually works.

Boo: Yeah, it still itches. I had one around my ass last week It’s this berry diet.

Kogi Bear: Shh.. I say we go find a picnic lunch.

Boo: Sounds good, Kog. But first, I gotta take a dump.

Kogi Bear: I’ll be waiting.. [ scratches his nads, then sniffs fingers ] How you doing there, Boo?

Boo: I’m getting there, Kog.

Porcupine: What’s up, Kogi?

Kogi Bear: Hey, don’t even think about it. That’s my picnic lunch. [ swipes picnic basket from tourists ]

Hey, you took my lunch!

Kogi Bear: [ sits on picnic basket, his bulge lodged between the handles ] I don’t see any basket – just this rocking chair thing!

Oh, whatever..

Kogi Bear: [ opens basket ] Mmm.. sandwiches! Hey, back away!

Ranger: Okay, Kogi, I warned you.

Kogi Bear: I did not steal this picnic lunch!

Ranger: It’s not the lunch, Kogi. It’s the dress code. You bears are breaking it, and it’s making the tourists uncomfortable. Kogi, those shorts are way too tight. You’re supposed to wear boxers.

Kogi Bear: They’re in the wash.

Boo: I think those shorts are snazzy.

[ Mindy Bear and a coyote friend walk up, nipples exposed ]

Ranger: Mindy, that’s way too mich cleavage. You and your coyote friend better put on some blouses – now!

Mindy Bear: Fine. It’s getting cold, anyway. [ puts on blouse, as her nipples protrude through the fabric one-by-one ]

[ cut to animated Lorne Michaels in SNL’s studios ]

Lorne Michaels: What am I doing? This is what it’s come to. It’s not [ bleep ] worth it. Get in here now!

[ Devil enters ]

Devil: What is it?

Lorne Michaels: Look, the deal’s off.

Devil: After 26 years?

Lorne Michaels: You never said it would get this bad. I want out.

Devil: Come on. You say that after every “SNL” movie.

Lorne Michaels: This is worse. I mean, I’m an adult.

Devil: Alright, Dumb-Dumb. But that means none of this ever happened.

Lorne Michaels: Fine.

Devil: You’ll be in a different place.

Lorne Michaels: Whatever. We’re finished.

Devil: Hmm.. okay.

[ Lorne is zapped to a different venue ]

Lorne Michaels: What the [ bleep ]?

[ Native walks past ]

Native: Thank you for the supplies!

Lorne Michaels: Hmm.. the Peace Corps. Noble. I like it. Road less traveled. [ a bee buzzes overhead ] My God! Get me a spray!

Native: A la balaki balakalunga.

Lorne Michaels: Alright, forget it.. take me back!

Devil: But let me show you the difference you’ve made had you never been born.

Lorne Michaels: Blah-di-blah-di-blip-blop. Take me back!

Devil: Okay, Dumb-Dumb. But this time it’s double eternity.

Lorne Michaels: Let’s go. [ transported back to SNL Studios, watching the Anatominals cartoon ] Uh-oh. I smell a new hit.

Jingle: “Let’s all come together
At the Anatominal Show!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4



Search Now:

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

A Glimpse Of Our Possible Future I

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

Voice of Don Pardo: America, Election Day fast approaches, and withthe Presidential Race still too close to call, “Saturday Night Live” wouldlike to present “A Glimpse of our Possible Future”.

[ open on Scenario I ]

Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States:George W. Bush.

[ open on the Oval Office – beer cans on desk, socks hung on the lamp, abarbecue grill burning on his desk ]

Voice of Advisor: Mr. President, get out there!

President George W. Bush: [ from under his desk ] No! No, you can’t make me!You’re gonna yell at me again!

Voice of Advisor: Mr. President!

President George W. Bush: [ peeks out from under his desk ] No! I don’t want to goout, it’s too hard!

Voice of Advisor: You’re on, Sir!

President George W. Bush: Awww.. [ jumps up and takes his seat ] Hey, America!So, how we all doing out there, huh? Yeah, not so good. I broke the HooverDam.. we had that war thing happen. But I mean, who ever heard of a CivilWar, anyway? What is that? [ grabs a pair of binoculars, unscrewsthe lens, then pours alcohol from it into his mouth ] I have missed you,ol’ buddy! [ pours it into his barbecue grill ] Whoo! I think wecan agree, Americans, that these have been a difficult first two years ofmy presidency..

Voice of Advisor: You’ve been President for two weeks!

President George W. Bush: Really? Oh, man! I told you, this is hard!Okay, listen.. I’m just gonna get this Address thing over with. As weassess the State of the American Union today, we have reason to hope, because.. [ takes out a map which shows California and Florida as islands, Texas inCommunist Mexico, and the Great Lakes on fire ] Holy crap! When didall this happen?! Wow.. the Great Lakes are on fire – even I knowthat’s not good. [ laughs ] Okay, America, we got a lot of problems. Iain’t gonna lie to you. But with the help of Vice-President Dick Cheney..

Voice of Advisor: You killed him in a hunting accident!

George W. Bush: Okay, fine! Not a problem. ‘Cause I’ve been workinghard, I got a plan that’s gonna solve all of it – from the deficit, toforeign relations, to that hole in the sun. Two words, America: OstrichMeat.

Voice of Advisor: [ disgusted ] Oh, come on! [ exits Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: No, no, wait, wait! Hear me out. You see, everyonegets an ostrich.. and then you eat the ostrich, then you raise the ostrich..that way, no more ostriches! We are trying to get rid of all the ostriches,right? Anyone? [ ball of fire erupts outside ] Aw, screw! That big titbuilding is on fire again – damn! Alright, sorry, folks.. I gottatake care of this.. [ stands up ] Come on, Blue! Here, boy! [ an ostrichambles forward ] You all go on ahwad without me. And, in the meantime, “Live,from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4



Search Now:

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

Charlize Theron’s Monologue

…..Charlize Theron
…..Tracy Morgan

Charlize Theron: Thank you! I’m delighted to be here in New York,hosting the show. I actually wasn’t even born in the United States – I wasborn and raised in South Africa. But I live here now!

Tracy Morgan: [ standing amongst the audience ] Oh, Boo! Boo?You serious?

Charlize Theron: Yes.. Sir.. you have a question?

Tracy Morgan: No, I’m not a Sir. I’m Tracy Morgan, I’m on the show.

Charlize Theron: Oh, really?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah. I didn’t have much to do this week, so I skippedthe practices. You live here, but you were born in Africa?

Charlize Theron: Yes, that’s right.

Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. so you’re an African-American?

Charlize Theron: [ contemplating ] Wow..! I guess I am! I.. I..I never thought of it that way..

Tracy Morgan: [ steps on stage ] Well, you better start thinkingabout it that way!

Charlize Theron: You’re right. People always think I’m Swedish orGerman.. but I’m African-American, you’re right!

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, we have to stick together, because thisbusiness is rough!

Charlize Theron: You’re right.

Tracy Morgan: Hell, yeah, I’m right! So, I saw you in thatnew movie with Will Smith.

Charlize Theron: Yeah, “The Legend of Bagger Vance”. It’s me, andWill, and Matt Damon.

Tracy Morgan: I don’t know him.

Charlize Theron: But you know Will Smith?

Tracy Morgan: Not personally.. but I hang out with DJ Jazzy Jeff’screw. You know Griffin Louie Trade? Man, that dude is hilarious! [ laughs ]

Charlize Theron: That’s the guy with the iguana, right?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, man, that lizard is crazy! [ takes out apack of cigarettes ] You want a Newport?

Charlize Theron: [ takes out her own pack of cigarettes ] That’s okay.I got my Kools.

Tracy Morgan: Mmm. When I saw you in “Bagger Vance”, I knew you wasAfrican-American, man. When I heard you talking during the movie..

Charlize Theron: I was in the movie.

Tracy Morgan: So was I. I was yelling at the screen: “Let Will Smithhit the ball, man! He’s like Tiger Woods!”

Charlize Theron: So, did you like the movie?

Tracy Morgan: Uh.. we didn’t get to see it all. They had kicked usout because they said a little trained lizard had bit a kid in the thirdaisle – but I didn’t have nothin’ to do with that! But we all know whatthe real reason was.

Charlize Theron: Because you’re African-American.

Tracy Morgan: Oh.. you can relate. Damn! It’s about time they let a sister host this show! And you’re fine, too!

Charlize Theron: Thanks, Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: [ peeks around back ] Your ass a little bony, butthat’s okay. Anyway, I’m gonna let y’all get on with your show – it’s abig one, the election show. By the way, who you voting for?

Charlize Theron: Well, actually, because I was born in Africa, Ican’t vote.

Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. I can’t, either. I got convicted of a felony.Anyway, I should let you do your thing. Stay strong, sister! You heard?

Charlize Theron: I heard. [ they clap fists before Tracy stepsaway ] We have a great show, Paul Simon is here, so stick around, we’ll beright back!

SNL Transcripts

Rap Street

Grandmaster Rap…..Jerry Minor
Kid Shazzam…..Horatio Sanz
Kevin Gustafson…..Tom Green
Maria Muldaur…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: You’re watching BET, Black Entertainment Television. Now it’s time for Rap Street, with your hosts, your favourite old school rappers, Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Word up, word up, word up!

Grandmaster Rap: What’s happening everybody? I’m Grandmaster Raps!

Kid Shazzam: And I’m Kid Shazzam. How y’all homeboys and homegirls doin’ out there? Yeah! Woo!

Grandmaster Rap: Woo! Funky fresh. Now, as you know, this show is dedicated to old school hip-hops.

Kid Shazzam: That’s right, cuz we started hip-hops back in 1972 when we got back from Vietnams.

Grandmaster Rap: Oh, terrible conflict.

Kid Shazzam: Napalms and Miss Saigons.

Grandmaster Rap: Agents and orgies and what not. Woo!

Kid Shazzam: All right. Let’s start the show. Grandmaster Rap?

Grandmaster Rap: Mm-hmm?

Kid Shazzam: Have you seen that video with that little nasty girl, Little Kims?

Grandmaster Rap: Oh, easy now kid, easy!

Kid Shazzam: Talkin’ about her private parts like they’re juicy and what not.

Grandmaster Rap: When we rapped, we didn’t rap about givin’ your man friend fellat-i-os. We rapped about good stuff like sneakers.

Kid Shazzam: And people who talk too much.

Grandmaster Rap: And partying all night long!

Kid Shazzam: And not stopping till the break-a break-a dawn!

Grandmaster Rap: We are Grandmaster Rap

Kid Shazzam: And I’m Kid Shazzam!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: And this is what we do, we gotta rap rap rap and rock rock rock, rip rop rippity doo!

Kid Shazzam: My name is Kid Shazzam and I’d like to say hello.

Grandmaster Rap: My name is Grandmaster Rap and I’ll say hello also.

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: But first we gotta rap rap, rippity rap rap, rip rop rippity do, you know our rhymes are funky fresh, rip rop rippity doo! Word! Funky! Fresh!

[ they spout gibberish as they join hands and “groove” ]

Grandmaster Rap: Woo! Funky fresh indeed!

Kid Shazzam: That was sweet!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Woo!

Grandmaster Rap: Word to your mother, word to your mother.

Kid Shazzam: Well, it’s that time of the show when we honour another one of our fallen homeboys. Our good friend “The Rappin’ Kid” got shot last night.

Grandmaster Rap: With about 20 CC’s of epinepherine. But it was too late, after four heart attacks and two bypasses, I guess it was his time.

Kid Shazzam: He’s survived by his wife Penelope, his children James, Margaret and Thomas, and his grandkids Sheniqua, Ashante and Dorito. And his great grandkid Uridium.

Grandmaster Rap: Who’s currently in his third year of law school. This is for you, Rappin’ Kid.

Kid Shazzam: To the brothers who couldn’t be here.

Grandmaster Rap: That’s right, that’s right, word up, word up.

Kid Shazzam: Okay now. People’s always askin’ us, do you like any new rap that’s out now?

Grandmaster Rap: No. But we did see this one youngster at the club the other night, and he was the only one who wasn’t talkin’ about penises and gold knives. And we have taken him under our wangs.

Kid Shazzam: All right. Let’s bring him out. Let’s give a big Rap Street welcome to Mr. MC Kevin Gustafson.

Kevin: I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy. I’m a good good boy, I’m a good good boy, look at me, look at me, I’m a good boy. I’m a nice boy, I do things that are really nice. That’s why they call me a nice boy, I’m a nice boy.

Maria: Midnight at the oasis, put your camels to bed, you don’t know places, spaces, moonlight in your head…

Kevin: I’m a nice boy, and I like to wear undies. Undies! Undies! Undies! Undies! When I wear undies, it’s really really funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny. Undies! Undies are funny! I like to wear undies because they’re so funny! Funny! Undies! Undies! Undies! Undies!

Maria: Midnight at the oasis!

Kevin: Funny undies!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Woo!

Grandmaster Rap: Word up, now did y’all hear that, did you hear that, that, suckas, those rhymes were hardcore!

Kid Shazzam: It don’t come no doper, no doper. I liked that part about the underwears too. Let that be a lesson to you Little Kims. Maybe you should put some on!

Grandmaster Rap: Word up, word up, those underwears have a purpose, to cover your damn stuff up. Well, Kevin Gustafson, welcome to Rap Street. Now tell the folks where you grew ups.

Kevin: Ottawa, Canada.

Kid Shazzam: Oo, Canada. We had some friends who ran up there during the Vietnams War, didn’t we?

Grandmaster Rap: Sure did, word up, word up.

Kid Shazzam: Chickens, that’s what they were.

Grandmaster Rap: Yeah, bunch of yellow-bellies. All right, now Kevin Gustafson, won’t you join us in a little old school raps? [ he nods ] All right!

Kid Shazzam: One for the treble!

Grandmaster Rap: Two for the bass!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Come on, Kevin Gustafson, rock this place!

Kevin: Well, I’m Kevin G, in the place to be, and I’m in the place to be, with Kevin G, I don’t rap about bad stuff, that’s not me, and that’s not fun, now we’ve just begun..

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: We gotta rap, rap, a-rippity a-roppity, a-rip rop rippity doo!

Announcer: Promotional consideration provided by Jeri Curl. It’s not out of style, you is! And by Rockso’s turkey and pancakes. It’s Food! And Ebony-Sure, the dope diapers for all blacks, cuz sometimes, you mess yourself.

Grandmaster Rap: That’s the end of the show!

Kid Shazzam: Good night everybody!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Rip rop rippity doo!

Thanks to Jordan Davidson of The SNL Message Board for this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 7

00g: Val Kilmer / U2

Wade Blasingame: Attorney-At-Law

Wade Blasingame…..Will Ferrell
Perry Meigs…..Ana Gasteyer
Johnson Young…..Tracy Morgan
Doug Blasingame…..Chris Parnell
House Owner…..Horatio Sanz

Wade Blasingame: Hi. I’m Wade Blasingame. No, not the ballplayer – the attorney-at-law. Let me ask you a question: would it be okay if somebody did this to you?

[ show half-naked man attack family by minivan and chew into their grocery sacks ]

How about if they did this:

[ show half-naked man using shovel to dig into women’s yard ]

Woman: Who are you?! What are you doing in my yard! [ chases him out of her yard ]

Wade Blasingame: Is it right for someone to do this to you:

[ Young Girl is greeted by Mom at door, as half-naked man runs up, knocks Girl down, then proceeds to hump her leg ]

No! Then, why is okay for a dog to do them? It’s not! Sue them! I fight for your rights as a human being! I’ve sued over 2,000 canines, and I’m willing to do it for you!

[ cut to Perry Meigs, sitting in a wheelchair in her kitchen ]

Perry Meigs: I dropped the kids off at my mother-in-law’s house, and her dog stuck its nose in my crotch. Wade Blasingame got me $4,000. [ holds up check ]

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Wade Blasingame: I’ve been responsible for over 23 dogs put down – and 3 more scheduled to die!

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Dogs don’t deserve special treatment! They have to play by the same rules that we do!

[ cut to mailman Johnson Young sitting in his easychair ]

Johnson Young: I was delivering the mail, and this.. this dog came out of nowhere and barked at me. Wade Blasingame sued them – but we lost.. [ whispering ] But Wade told me, for $50, he’d kill the dog.

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Wade Blasingame: I did not tell him that. Look, am I happy that that dog is rotting in hell? Yes. Did I personally inject a steak with poison and feed it to the dog? No! So, remember – you wouldn’t let a person do this to your yard:

[ show half-naked man crouch down in Homeowner’s yard and take a crap ]

Homeowner: [ noticing the incident from his front room ] Hey! Get out of here!
[ half-naked man runs off ]

Wade Blasingame: So don’t let some egg-sucking dog do it! Call me – Wade Blasingame, or my brother Doug.. [ the half-naked man who’d been simulating a dog’s behavior ] ..for a free consultation, and we’ll get you justice! [ smashes his gavel on the desk ]

Announcer: Call Wade Blasingame. He’s man’s best friend!

SNL Transcripts

The Iron Chef

Master of Ceremonies…..Chris Kattan
American Bachelor Chef…..Charlie Sheen
Iron Chef Japanese…..Horatio Sanz
Yoko Akino…..Molly Shannon
Toshi Taguda…..Chris Parnell
Hiroko Yamazaki…..Rachel Dratch
Yakimuro Saijo…..Darrell Hammond
Emeril…..Chris Parnell

Master of Ceremonies: Today in Kitchen Stadium, the Iron Chef takes on an American challenger, in the battle of Iron Chef Japanese vs. the American Bachelor Chef. The Iron Chef Japanese, Machiharo Karomotu, comes from the Kutimano School of Cooking, and is known for his fusion of western influences in traditional Japanese cuisine. And the American Bachelor Chef, Derek Parsons, worked at a snack bar for two summers, and once made chili to impress a girl he wanted to have sex with.

American Bachelor Chef: What’s up, Japan? I’m gonna kick your ass tonight, just like we kicked your ass in Vietnam!

Master of Ceremonies: Now it is time to introduce today’s theme ingredient. [ pulls cloth ] Shark Heads! The chefs must use shark heads in all of their dishes. [ chefs take their trays of shark heads back to their stoves ] Let’s meet our celebrity judges: Singer Yoko Akino..

Yoko Akino: I’m so happy to be here! [ giggles ]

Master of Ceremonies: Photographer Toshi Taguda..

Toshi Taguda: Yes, ladies, it’s me!

Master of Ceremonies: Fortune Teller Hiroko Yamazaki..

Hiroko Yamazaki: Thank you for having me!

Master of Ceremonies: And famous murderer Yakimuro Saijo..

Yakimuro Saijo: I can’t wait to get my mouth on those shark heads!

Master of Ceremonies: Let’s see how our chefs are doing. Iron Chef Japanese has just taken a shark head, and is rolling them in dry mullen rum.

Yoko Akino: Mmm.. these shark heads look so shiny and delicious! [ giggles ]

Toshi Taguda: What’s that he’s soaking them in? Seaweed juice?

Hiroko Yamazaki: Yes.. it looks like a mixture of seaweed juice, sake, and pureed sparrow eyes.

Yakimuro Saijo: Mmm.. you don’t get food like that in prison, believe me..

[ the judges laugh ]

Master of Ceremonies: The challenger is doing something very unusual.. He has placed a shark head on a round piece of bread.

Hey, Miuto! I found out what’s in the challenger’s dish!

Master of Ceremonies: Uh, yes. What is it?

The bread is called a bagel! The challenger has placed a shark head on the bagel, and is covering it with pizza sauce, and has crushed it up with Pringles and Velveeta!

American Bachelor Chef: I make these at the Superbowl every year, and I always get laid!

[ judges laugh ]

Master of Ceremonies: The Iron Chef has begun a second dish! Mr. Mori Moru is using a very rare and expensive Japanese ingredient.

Toshi Taguda: Is that what I think it is?

Master of Ceremonies: Yes, eel farts.

Toshi Taguda: He’s infusing the rice with eel farts. Very impressive!

Yakimuro Saijo: I can smell them from here! It’s making me so hungry, I could murder someone!

[ the judges laugh ]

Master of Ceremonies: Settle down, famous murderer! You can taste the food, after this commercial.

[ cut to commercial starring Emeril ]

Emeril: Ladies, this is Emeril Legasse, saying breast cancer is a serious problem! Kick it up a notch, check for lumps – bam!!

[ cut back to “Iron Chef” ]

Master of Ceremonies: Iron Chef, do you feel confident about the dishes you are presenting?

Iron Chef Japanese: I have doen the best I can.

Master of Ceremonies: And how about you, American Bachelor Chef? Are you feeling confident?

American Bachelor Chef: Dude, I have no idea what you’re saying right now, but your face is cracking me up! [ laughs ]

Master of Ceremonies: The Iron Chef has prepared three dishes – Shark Head and Seaweed and Sparrow Eyes, Boiled Shark Head, and Shark Head Rice with Eel Farts.

Yakimuro Saijo: I love the seaweed juice, but I thought the eel farts were a little salty.

Yoko Akino: I agree. But I think the Boiled Shark Head is divine! I can’t stop eating it!

Master of Ceremonies: The challenger, also presenting three dishes – Shark Head Nachos, Mini Shark Head Pizzas, and Pillsbury Biscuits with Shark Head.

Hiroko Yamazaki: I am a fortune teller, and I predict these Shark Heads will go in my belly!

Yoko Akino: This pizza is so enticing and so aggressive. It reminds me of my hit song “Blue Jeans On Fire.” [ singing ] “Blue jeans on fire.. Chevrolet Elvis.. Blue jeans on fire.. New York, let’s go!” [ giggles ]

Toshi Taguda: I thought the Shark Head Nachos were delightful. It made me feel American, like I was a man with blue eyes, kissing a girl with a big ass.

Master of Ceremonies: And the winner is… American Bachelor Chef!

American Bachelor Chef: Suck on that, Speed Racer! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Master of Ceremonies: Alright, join us next time on “Iron Chef”, when the theme ingredient will be fish tumors. Good day!

SNL Transcripts