Category: 2008

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Jon Hamm’s John Ham

…..Jon Hamm

FADE IN:

INT. STUDIO 8A — ROCKFELLER CENTER

[ JON HAMM stands centered in a dark background. ]

Jon Hamm: Hello, I’m Jon Hamm. You know – ad executives are always tryingto find new and exciting way to advertise products to the Americanconsumer. Well tonight, I’m here to talk to you about a product thatdoesn’t need any “glitz” or “gloss”. It’s a product that speaks foritself, and I’m proud to endorse it — “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM”. The ham youcan eat in the bathroom.

[ Jon holds a box saying JON HAMM’S JOHN HAM. The background behind himlights up to REVEAL a bathroom. ]

Jon Hamm: Let’s face it… we live in a fast paced world. But if you’re as busyas I am, you have to make a decision. Am I going to eat lunch? Or am Igoing to go to the bathroom? Now you never have to make that choice again.

[ Jon strolls over to the bathroom stall behind him and seats himself. ]

Jon Hamm: Each “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM” dispenser is located… opposite thetoilet paper dispenser, so you’re not confused. And unlike other bathroomham dispensers, only “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM” has the finest boar’s headroasted ham.

[ Jon removes a piece of ham of the ham dispenser and swallows a piece. ]

Jon Hamm: Mmmm. That’s good ham.

[ Jon steps off of the toilet and strolls TOWARDS the camera. ]

Jon Hamm: Now I know what you’re thinking – ‘I’m only endorsing JOHN HAMbecause Jon Hamm is my name’ Well, you’re wrong. You’re dead wrong. Firstof all, my last name has two “M’s” and second of all, my first namedoesn’t have an “H”. Feel like a dummy yet? Because you should. If youorder in the next five minutes, you’ll get a free dispenser of “Jon Hamm’sMUSTARD SOAP”.

[ Jon strolls over to the mirror to a yellow soap dispenser. ]

Jon Hamm: It’s a delicious mustard with no soap properties at all.

[ Jon dispenses some mustard on his hands and takes a lick. ]

Jon Hamm: And if you’re wondering… it tastes great on ham. So what are youwaiting for? Don’t find yourself on the toilet craving high-quality hamslices. Tell your boss to order one for the office today.

[ SUPER: BLUE SCREEN ]

Announcer: To order “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM”, call 1-800-555-0199 or go toour website at jonhammsjohnham/ham.ham.com.

Jon Hamm: And remember the “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM” motto — if it feels like aslice of ham, don’t wipe your ass with it.

[ Jon takes another bite of a ham slice. ]

FADE OUT.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Trick or Treat

Jeff Montgomery….Will Forte
Bob Peterson….Jon Hamm

(Opens with a man giving out candy to a couple of little kids on Halloween. He drops candy into their plastic jack o´lanterns.)

Bob Peterson: Here is a Snickers for each of you. And for old times sake, how about a Charleston chew?

Kids: Thank you, Mr. Peterson.

(Kids leave. Mr. Peterson goes back inside, closes his door. A 40 ish man wearing glasses, a mustache and a plastic jack o´lantern approaches Bob´s door and rings the doorbell. Bob opens the door.)

Jeff Montgomery: Trick or treat!

Bob Peterson: Can I help you?

Jeff Montgomery: Well, that depends. You have any Kit-Kat bars? Heck, I´ll take anything without toffee. Its a real bitch on the fillings. Hey, don´t call me a bitch! You´re the bitch, bitch! Wha-a-at?! Seriously though, trick or treat.

Bob Peterson: Aren´t you a little old to be trick or treating?

Jeff Montgomery: What? Is 43 too old to be on Halloween´s spirit? By spirit I don´t mean ghost. Heck, I´m not that old! Wha-a-a-at?!

(Bob slams the door in Jeff´s face. Jeff rings doorbell again)

Jeff Montgomery: Look, I realize this is a little unusual but you know, I just moved into the neighborhood and you know, I figured I used trick or treating as an excuse to get out and make some new friends. I apologize for being so awkward.

Bob Peterson: No, you know, that´s quite all right. That wasn´t very neighborly of me and I apologize. Bob Peterson.

(Both shake hands)

Jeff Montgomery: Jeff Montgomery, pleasure to meet you.

Bob Peterson: This doesn´t excuse my behavior but, uh, I hope you accept a Reese’s peanut butter cup.

(Jeff grabs big handfuls of candy from Bob´s plastic jack o´lantern and deposits it into his own)

Jeff Montgomery: I couldn´t think of a better welcoming gift.

Bob Peterson: Just out of curiosity. What exactly is your Halloween costume?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m a sex offender.

Bob Peterson: Excuse me?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m a sex offender. Oh, oh, for Halloween!

Bob Peterson: You´re a sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Yeah, pretty convincing, huh? Here, watch this: ” I´m Jeff Montgomery. By law I´m required to inform you that I am a repeat offender and I´ll be living in your neighborhood.” Great costume, right? (hands over papers to Bob) Could you sign and date this, please?

Bob Peterson: What am I signing?

Jeff Montgomery: Oh, you will get a big kick out of this! You see, as part of my costume I´m having everyone sign this forms acknowledging that there is a sex offender living in the neighborhood. Et cetera, et cetera.

Bob Peterson: Let´s just be clear on something here. Is sex offender your Halloween costume? Or are you fulfilling a legal obligation to declare yourself a sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Bob, lighten up! Its Halloween, huh? Besides, this is a tradition. You know, I do this everytime I move into a new town.

Bob Peterson: Are you Jeff Montgomery, a sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Am I, Jeff Montgomery, a registered sex offender on Halloween? Yes.

Bob Peterson: What about not on Halloween?

Jeff Montgomery: Yes, even when it’s not Halloween, I´m still Jeff Montgomery.

Bob Peterson: A sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Look, you´re missing the point here, Bob! The point is Halloween spirit! The point is trick or treat! The point is could you sign those papers?

Bob Peterson: Look, last chance and I will check with the police on this. Do you have a criminal record?

Jeff Montgomery: Absolutely not. Look, if I am guilty of anything its the crime of sexually assaulting 5 teenagers. (long uncomfortable pause) You know, this is gonna sound like a terrible segue but are you looking for a babysitter? Happy Halloween! Wha-a-at?!

(scene freezes on Jeff´s crazy ass face)

Caption: Happy Halloween.

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Jon Hamm’s Monologue

…..Jon Hamm

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jon Hamm!

Jon Hamm: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Aw! It is — it is — it is GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Uh — I have had — I have had a really fun year starring in the critically-acclaimed AMC series, “Mad Men”. [ the audience cheers ] Uh — you know, uh, when I talk to people about “Mad Men”, they always ask me the same questions: “What is ‘Mad Men’?”, “Is that a television show?”, “What is AMC?”, “What number’s that on my cable box?” And “Are you sure you don’t mean A&E?” Not everyone has discovered our show yet.

Uh, so, tonight, in hopes of boosting our ratings, I’d like to tell you what you’ll see if you tune in. “Mad Men” is a… measured period piece, set in the early 1960s, that explores the social mores of advertising excutives who, uh — [ knowing he’s lost the audience ] well, who like to dance! [ he chuckles ] With the stars! It’s a cut-throat elimination celebrity dancing show! And it’s on AMC, ten p.m., on Sunday! Uh — the show stars me… uhhhh, everyone from “C.S.I.”… all of the Phillies, and the Rays… Oh! We also make over homes, but in an extreme way! So don’t miss next week’s episode, it’s — it’s the season finale! And I don’t want to give anything away, but, uh — John McCain and Barack Obama show up… and smoke REAL weed! I can’t believe they agreed to do it, but they did, and it’s on “Mad Men”, ten p.m., Sunday, AMC. It’s — it’s — it’s pretty late in the episode, you guys, it’s — it’s pretty late in the episode, so watch the WHOLE thing! McCain FREAKS out! It’s crazy! Sarah Palin has to talk him down — she’s there, too!

It’s insane! It’s a great show. Uh, and we have a great show tonight — Coldplay is here. So stick around, we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:

September 13th, 2008

Michael Phelps

Lil Wayne

None

Tina Fey

William Shatner

Debbie Phelps

Jared Fogel

None


A Non-Partisan Message From Sarah Palin & Hillary ClintonSummary: Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) strive to deliver a nonpartisan message despite their disparaging feelings toward one another.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Michael Phelps’ MonologueSummary: Michael Phelps tries to avoid hasty endorsements like William Shatner and introduces his mom (Amy Poehler) and his real mom.

Bio: Michael Phelps (1985-). Swimmer; won eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympic Games, surpassing Mark Spitz’s record of seven at the 1972 Olympic Games.

Note: The monologue was originally to have centered around Sen. Barack Obama, who was scheduled to make a cameo appearance but cancelled the night before because of Hurricane Ike’s landfall in Texas. Chuck Norris was also scheduled to make a cameo appearance during the monologue, but likewise cancelled because of Hurricane Ike.

Transcript

Quiz BowlSummary: The home-schooled Jasper Family competes against the public school-educated students of Richmond High.

Transcript

Jar GloveSummary: The product that offers a more viable solution for opening a jar that doesn’t involve accidental homicide.

Transcript

Locker Room MotivationSummary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his swim team’s impending loss by playing “Dancing Plants”.

Recurring Characters: Coach.

Transcript

Craig & StaciaSummary: Mr. and Mrs. Triggs (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) are oblivious to how annoying his employees find their oversized daughter Stacia (Kristen Wiig) and her gangly cousin Craig (Michael Phelps).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Triggs, Mrs. Triggs, Stacia.

Lil Wayne performs “Got Money”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Alaska Pete (Will Forte) takes offense to media bias against Sarah Palin; political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events or Seth Meyers; comics page Cathy (Andy Samberg) frets about her life.

Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.

The Charles Barkley ShowSummary: In order to pay back his gambling debts, Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) interviews Bela Karolyi (Darrell Hammond) and Michael Phelps in a Las Vegas’ Wynn Casino’s day care.

Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley, Bela Karolyi.

T-MobileSummary: Dad (Jason Sudeikis) gets in trouble with Mom (Kristen wiig) after agreeing with his son (Michael Phelps) that his daughter’s (Casey Wilson) friends are hot.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg sings about the “Space Olympics”.

Transcript

Pizzeria UnoSummary: Mark Payne (Bobby Moynihan) waits on a couple (Michael Phelps, Amy Poehler).

Transcript

Lil Wayne performs “Lollipop”Lyrics

The Michael Phelps DietSummary: The fail-safe weight-loss approach that has dieters eating as many calories as Michael Phelps.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

LoveMatchConnect.comSummary: Yet another online matchmaking ad parody.

The Justice League of AmericaSummary: To downsize their organization, Justice League members decide to let weak link Aquaman (Michael Phelps) go.

Larry KingSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) attempts an unsuccessful interview with newspaper reporter Bob Woodward (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

Budget Bridal GownsSummary: Save money on bridal gowns by buying secondhand apparel complete with stains.

Katy PerrySummary: Singer Katy Perry (Casey Wilson) stresses that she has other songs besides “I Kissed a Girl”.

Old DaysSummary: While watching a football game, a couple of old men (LeBron James, Kenan Thompson) talk about how the game used to be played in the old days.

History’s Greatest Stories

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

The Michael Phelps Diet

…..Michael Phelps
…..Jared Fogle
Diet guy….Will Forte
Diet Girl 1….Casey Wilson
Diet Girl 2….Amy Poehler
Before and After models….Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig

[Opens with a girl looking at a jar]

Announcer: Are you tired of counting calories?

[Girl nods yes]

[A guy is eating a sorry looking plate of food]

Announcer: Are you sick of tiny portions and food that taste like cardboard?

[They guy nods yes]

Announcer: What if there were a way to get the results you want without sacrificing the food you love.

[Cut to Olympic champion Michael Phelps]

Michael Phelps: Hi, I’m Olympic champion Michael Phelps. You know, I had to sacrifice a lot to earn 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics. But one thing I never sacrificed was a good meal. And neither should you. [Camera pans back and reveals a table filled with steaks, hot dogs, donuts, a big jar of Nutella] Introducing the Michael Phelps diet. The only diet that lets you eat whatever Micahel Phelps eats. As you can tell, it works wonders for me.[Photo of Michael screaming while winning the gold at the Olympics games, his body is ripped with muscles]

[Cut to the Diet guy]

Announcer: Hungry for a delicious, nutritious breakfast?

Diet guy: I sure am.

[Michael gets next to him]

Michael Phelps: Well, how about 3 fried egg sandwiches, a stack of chocolate chip pancakes, a bowl of grits, a 5 egg omelet, french toast with powdered sugar and a gallon of coffee ice cream.[puts the gallon down on the table that is filled with pancakes and all sort of foods]

Diet guy: Wow!

Announcer: Tired of suffering through a salad at lunch?

[Diet girl nods yes. Michael gets next to her]

Michael Phelps: Then cozy up to a pound of pasta, 3 Cuban sandwiches smothered in mayonnaise, a fried turkey stuffed with molasses, a barrel of Halloween candy and to wash it all down? A barrel of Hollandaisse sauce.[puts barrel on the table]

Diet girl: Now that’s a lunch!

Michael Phelps: And for dinner a whole pork butt[image of pork butt], two piñatas filled with corned beef hash[image of piñatas], 4 wedding cakes[images of cakes], an actual pig in a blanket[image of roasted pig with a blanket on top], a tub of pasta Alfredo[image of filled tub]. You can eat whatever you like as long as it adds up to 12,000 calories a day.

Caption: Warning: Caloric intake based on 4,000 laps a day at world-record pace.

Michael Phelps: Can you believe it? Is that simple.

Announcer: Imagine the body you always wanted with a diet that seems to good to be true.

[Image of a thin guy in a Before picture. The After picture the guy is a fat pig]

[Image of a happy go-lucky guy in a Before picture. The After picture is the word DIABETES]

[Image of a thin lady in a Before picture. The After picture is a coffin]

[A thin lady on a picture. The same lady talks next to the picture]

Diet girl 2: I’ve been on the Michael Phelps diet for almost 2 weeks and people are already coming up to me and saying “Congratulations”[reveals a big-ass stomach] Because they know I found the perfect diet.

[cut to diet guy]

Diet Guy: I’ve never felt this full before!

[Michael gets next to him]

Michael Phelps: And you haven’t even touched your bacon-wrapped sausage, your buttered wrapped meatballs or your two other geese.

Diet guy: Dream body, here I come![grabs a handful of pancake]

[cut to famous diet guy from Subway’s commercials]

Jared Fogel: Hey, I’m Jared Fogel for Subway. I know a little something about weight loss and I can honestly say this diet sucks a foot long!

Michael Phelps: Thanks, Jared. The Michael Phelps diet. Because you don’t have to train like an Olympic athlete to have an Olympic body. [ SUPER: “Yes You do” ]

[Diet girl is squeezing frosting into her mouth]

Diet Girl: Yumm, cake frosting!

Michael Phelps: Are you gonna finish that?

Diet Girl: Hey! Get your own! I’m on a diet!

[Image of a smiling Michael Phelps carrying an enormous stack of frosted donuts]

Announcer: The Michael Phelps Diet. Looking this good never tasted so delicious. Almost certainly fatal.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Goodnights

…..Michael Phelps

[ return from commercial to bumper memorializing Bernie Brillstein ]

[ fade to black ]

[ fade up on Michael Phelps and the cast ]

Michael Phelps: Thanks to Lil Wayne and Tina Fey, William Shatner, and Jared Fogel. Thanks to my mom! I love you guys for coming. Have a good Saturday!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Jar Glove

Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Husband…..Jason Sudeikis
Officers…..Fred Armisen, Bobby Moynihan
Judge…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on suburban kitchen, as Wife, fixing breakfast, grabs a jar ]

Announcer: Opening jars. Every time, it’s the same old story…

[ footage turns black and white, with “Dramatization” tag, as Wife twists and turns the jar’s lid ]

Announcer: The twisting and turning…

[ cut to Wife rubbing her sore wrists ]

Announcer: The aching and straining…

[ cut to Wife trying to loosen the jar’s lid with hot water from the sink, burning her hands in the process ]

Announcer: The scalding and burning…

[ cut to wife smacking the jar against the counter ]

Announcer: The swinging and striking…

[ the jar ricochets off the counter, striking her Husband across the head and knocking him to the floor ]

Announcer: The panicking…

[ cut to Wife dragging her Husband’s dead, bloodies body across the floor ]

Announcer: The dragging…

[ cut to Wife, frustrated, digging her Husband’s grave in the back yard ]

Announcer: The digging and burying…

[ cut to two police officers at the front door, questioning the Wife on her missing husband’s whereabouts ]

Announcer: The lying and stalling…

[ she shoves one of the officers aside and runs for it, as he returns fire with his tazer ]

Announcer: The resisting and tazing…

[ cut to Judge banging gavel ]

Announcer: The sentencing and convicting…

[ cut to Wife being locked up in jail cell ]

Announcer: The shackling and imprisonment…

[ cut to Wife in jail cell hitting all-nighters with stacks of law books ]

Announcer: The studying and appealing…

[ cut to Wife carving a gun out of a bar of soap ]

Announcer: The plotting and scheming…

[ cut to Wife leading foot chase, as officers pursue her with dogs ]

Announcer: The barking and the shooting…

[ cut to Wife hiding inside a sewage pipe ]

Wife: There’s got to be a better way!

[ product slide rises ]

Announcer: Now there is — thanks to Jar Glove!

[ cut to Wife holding a jar with one hand, and wearing a jar glove on the other ]

Announcer: Jar Glove. The better way.

[ she gently twists the lid off the jar and smiles ]

[ return to product slide ]

Announcer: Now only $19.95, plus shipping and handling.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Locker Room Motivation II

Coach….Will Forte
Michael Phillips….Michael Phelps
Swimmer 1….Bill Hader
Swimmer 2….Fred Armisen
Swimmer 3….Bobby Moynihan
Swimmer 4….Kenan Thompson
Swimmer 5….Jason Sudeikis
Swimmer 6….Andy Samberg

[Opens with a demoralized swimming team in blue tracksuits entering their locker room. They sit on a bench, some sit on the floor. The coach enters behind them, mustache, clipboard in his hands]

Coach: All right, listen up, listen up! Now I know this season has not been what we had hoped. Yes, we lost every single swim meet that we participated in, all your scholarships have been revoked and we’ve had two deaths by drowning. Hey, but look guys this is our last meet and I think if we give it our all we can win this thing.

Michael Phillips: Coach, can I address the team?

Coach: Yeah, go ahead Phillips. Gentlemen, your team captain, Michael Phillips.

Michael Phillips: I don’t know guys. I just don’t think if I’m cut out for this whole swimming thing. I mean, I just picture myself on that starting block and I got so scared that I thought I fudged my Speedo.

Coach: Oh, hey, hey, hey. That is nothing to be ashamed of Phillips. I soil my pants everyday, ok? With me is not a fear thing, is more of an illness. I’m just saying I can relate. But there’s no reason to be scared of this guys, ok? You’re all the same. You’re just people, ok? Y’all put your clothes on one leg at a time. One arm at a time for shirts. Hats, you just put them up there on top of your heads. Well, you guys know how to put on hats, huh? The point is you can do this and anyone in here that doesn’t think they can, there’s the door.

Michael Phillips: Lets get out of here.

[The swimming team get up to leave]

Coach: Oh, hey, hold on! You come back here![throws clipboard to the floor]Hit the pine,[points to the bench] hit the pine. [Swimming team comes back] Look, I know is tempting to give up. Heck, sometimes the thought even crosses my mind, huh? Well, when it does there’s one thing that always brings me back.[takes a cassette from his pocket and shakes it in front of them]Its a song my father gave me. But its not just any song, ok? See, this is a song played over the loudspeakers as he and his military brethren were about to land in Korea to participate on the battle of Inchon, ok, were they scared? You bet your nose-plugs they were scared, huh? But after hearing this song–it so fired them up,that they won that battle and together changed the course of history. And all I’m asking of you is to listen to this song once and then decide if you want to run away like cowards or if you want to stay here and swim like champions. Champions.

[Coach goes over to a radio and pops cassette in. Song begins. Coach is taking the song in. Song is traveling through him. The team looks at him kind of stunned. Coach starts smiling and starts dancing out of pure joy, dancing and more dancing. Coach dances on one leg. Does a big wave with his hands and makes baby-steps a few times]

Song: Fancy pants![coach points at his pants], Fancy Pants![points again], Fancy Pants![points again] Fancy Pants!, Fancy Pants! Fancy Pants!

Coach: Ahh, can you FEEL IT!

Michael Phillips: I can feel it coach!

[Michael gets up and starts dancing with the coach locked arm in arm. Pinch their noses and make like they’re drowning, bump playfully their hips, swim like they’re underwater]

Coach: Ah, now who is ready to kick some buns?!!

Michael Phillips: USA! USA! USA![goes back out to the pool, Coach follows]

Coach: USA! USA! USA!

Swimmer 1: Let’s get outta here!

[Whole team leaves]

[Cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Michael Phelps’ Monologue

…..Michael Phelps
Michael’s Mom…..Amy Poehler
Male Audience Member…..Will Forte
…..William Shatner
…..Debbie Phelps

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Michael Phelps!

Michael Phelps: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s so great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live” — uh, this seriously is, like, the ninth greatest moment of my life.

Voice: Whoo!!

[ cut to Michael’s Mom in the audience, waving a pair of small American flags ]

Michael’s Mom: Yeah! Good job, Michael!! Whoo!!

Michael Phelps: For those of you who don’t know, uh — I set a world record this summer by becoming the first person to appear on NBC for 390 consecutive hours.

Michael’s Mom: [ laughing hysterically ] That’s my boy!! That’s my son up there!! Whoo!!

Michael Phelps: Relax, Mom… come on.

Michael’s Mom: What?! A mom can’t be proud of her son?! [ turns to the woman seated next to her ] Do you have children? And how many of them have gold medals?

Michael Phelps: MOM!!

Michael’s Mom: I’m sorry, keep going! You’re in the zone!!

Michael Phelps: Also, I’m very proud to announce that I’m going to be a BIG part of NBC’s Fall schedule, uh — so don’t miss me in the new cop drama: “Swim Cop”.

[ cut to title card ]

Uh — if you commit a crime — and that crime is in the water — you’re gonna have to deal with me. I’ve also been getting a lot of endorsement offers, and… I do realzie how important it is to choose the right kind of products for your image.

Male Audience Member: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Phelps?

Michael Phelps: Uh — yes? You have a question?

Male Audience Member: I do, uh — you mentioned endorsements, and I do believe that I have the PERFECT product for the Michael Phelps name.

Michael Phelps: Well… I don’t think now is the best time.

Male Audience Member: [ holding box up ] It’s “My First Meth Lab”! It’s the only meth lab kit on the market that is specifically marketed to pre-teens. [ turns box around ] I’ve already put your face on the box!

Michael Phelps: Wow, uh — I would NOT want to endorse stuff like that, I don’t care HOW much you paid me.

Male Audience Member: Pay you? [ chuckles at the thought ]

Michael Phelps: Yeah, thanks, but no thanks. [ to the audience ] See, that’s a good example of a product I should NOT endorse. I’m looking for endorsements that make sense for someone like me.

William Shatner stands in the audience ]

William Shatner: Yeah, yeah, it’s TRUE! You can’t be too careful!

[ the audience cheers ]

Michael Phelps: William Shatner! What are you doing here?

William Shatner: Michael, I’m here to give you some advice! Nothing is more important than integrity! You earned your integrity in the Olympic arena, and I was born with mine! So, you must be vigilant! We can’t just throw our face on any second-rate product, we have to SAVE ourselves… for the high-end brands! Brands like, uh — [ stares into the camera ] Priceline! I mean, the only online way to book flights, hotels, cars, you name it!

Michael Phelps: Are you — are you just here to talk about Priceline?

William Shatner: No, no, no! I would never do that! And you know why I would never do that? Integrity! [ stares into camera ] And Priceline!

Michael Phelps: Thank you. Uh — we have a great show for you tonight. Mom, are you excited?

Michael’s Mom: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Michael Phelps: And how about you, Mom?

[ cut to Debbie Phelps, Michael’s real mom, who hugs her doppleganger as the audience cheers ]

Michael Phelps: Well, we have a great show tonight — Lil Wayne is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Lil Wayne performs “Got Money”

…..Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps: Ladies and gentlemen — Lil Wayne, with T-Pain.

Lil Wayne:
I need a Winn-Dixie
Grocery bag full of money
Right now to the VIP section (wosh, wosh, wosh)
You got Young Mula
In the house tonight baby
Yeah!!
Yeah!
Young!
Young! (wosh)
Young! (wosh)
Young! (wosh)
Young Mula Baby!

Lil Wayne & T-Pain:
Got money (yeah)
And you know it
Take it out your pocket and show it (then)
Throw it (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way
if you gettin’ mug
From everybody who see that
Hang over the wall of the VIP
Like (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way

Lil Wayne:
Now I was bouncing through the club
She loved the way I did it but
I see her boyfriend hatin’ like a city cop
Now I ain’t never been a chicken but my fitty cocked
Say I ain’t never been a chicken but my semi cocked
Now where your bar at?
I’m tryna rent it out
And we so bout it bout it
Now what are you about?
DJ show me love
He say my name when the music stop
Young Money Lil Wayne
Then the music drop
I make it snow
I make it flurry
I make it out back tomorrow don’t worry
Yeah
Young Wayne on them hoes
A.K.A. Mr. Make It Rain On Them Hoes (Young Money)

Lil Wayne & T-Pain:
Got money (yeah)
And you know it
Take it out your pocket and show it (then)
Throw it (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way
if you Gettin’ mug
From everybody who see that
Hang over the wall of the VIP
Like (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way

Lil Wayne:
(Streets)
Here we go one for the money
Two for the show
Now clap your hands if you got a bank roll
Like some clap on lights in this bitch
Ima be clapping all night
In this bitch (uhh hun)
Lights off (uhh hun)
Masks on (uhh hun)
Creep Silent (uhh hun)
She smiling (yeah)
He muggin’
Who cares, cause my goons are right here
Aye
Its nothin to a big dog
And I’m a Great Dane
I wear eight chains
I mean so much ice
They yell skate Wayne!
She wanna f**k Weezy
But she wanna rape wayne (uhh hun)

Lil Wayne & T-Pain:
Got money (yeah)
And you know it
Take it out your pocket and show it (then)
Throw it (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way
if you Gettin’ mug
From everybody who see that
Hang over the wall of the VIP
Like..

Lil Wayne:
Okay,
It’s Young Wayne on them hoes
A.K.A. Mr. Make It Rain On Them Hoes
Like ehhhh!
Everybody say Mr. Rain man
Can we have a rainy day?
Bring a umbrella
Please bring a umbrella
Ella, ella, ella ehhh!
Bitch ain’t shit but a hoe in a trick
Bet you no one ain’t trick if you got it
You know we ain’t f**king if you not thick
And I cool your ass down if you think you’re hot shit
So rolex watch this
I do it 4 5 6 my click
Clap goes the black fo’ fifth
And just like it I blow that shit
Cause bitch I’m the bomb like
Tick tick
Yeah!!

Lil Wayne & T-Pain:
Got money (yeah)
And you know it
Take it out your pocket and show it (then)
Throw it (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way
if you Gettin’ mug
From everybody who see that
Hang over the wall of the VIP
Like (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way

Lil Wayne:
Yeah
It’s Young Wayne on them hoes
A.K.A. Mr. Make It Rain On Them Hoes
Yeah
Young Wayne on them hoes
Make a stripper fall in love
T-Pain on them hoes
Aha!”

SNL Transcripts