Category: 2008

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Scared Straight

Lorenzo MacIntosh….Kenan Thompson
Kendrick McIntyre….Tracy Morgan
Officer….Jason Sudeikis
Teen 1….Bill Hader
Teen 2….Andy Samberg
Teen 3….Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a shot of a police station. Cut to an interrogation room. An officer is sitting casually on his desk in front of the three seated teens)

Officer: All right, tough guys. So you think underage drinking is cool? The next time I catch you with beers in public, you´re gonna be drinking from a public fountain in juvie. You hear me?!

All three: (low voice) Yes, officer.

Officer: You know, you don´t seem to get the message. So this time I invited 2 representatives from the Scared Straight program come talk to you punks. They´re inmates over on Larchmont Maximum Security Prison and they´re here to warn you about the dangers of a criminal lifestyle. MacIntosh! McIntyre! You wanna get in here!

(Enters Lorenzo MacIntosh with his brown prison uniform, black do-rag and weight lifting belt on. With him enters another black tough con with an afro and handlebar mustache)

Kendrick McIntyre: YEAH!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: All right!! Here we comes!!

(They look at the teens with feral intensity)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: ON YOUR FEET!

(Teens get up)

Kendrick McIntyre: SIT DOWN!!

(Teens sit down)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: MAN, I SAID ON YOUR FEET!!

(Teens get up)

Kendrick McIntyre: MAN, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!!

(Teens sit down)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: All right. My name is Lorenzo MacIntosh.

Kendrick McIntyre: And I´m Kendrick McIntyre.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: But our friends call us Double Big Mac´s.

Kendrick McIntyre: Cause we ate all the regular menu, DIG??!!

(Teens are more confused than scared)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: All right. What they do this time? You know, let me get up in this file cabinet…(opens file cabinet)

Officer: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa…(closes the file cabinet on Lorenzo) Come on, MacIntosh, you´re not allowed in there.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick put their palms up)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh, hey, I´m sorry chief. I get it. I do the dance, you just got to show me the moves.

Officer: We caught these kids drinking beer outside Pabst-mart.

Kendrick McIntyre: Ah, getting drunk in public, huh? That´s how it starts, getting drunk. And guess where it ends up? (flailing his arms over his head wildly) On monkeys with your face OFF!!!

Teen 3: How would that happen?

Lorenzo MacIntosh: (seeing red) Hey!! (grabs the teen by his tennis shoe, yanks it from his foot and throws it to the ground) Shut your damn MOUTH!! What? You think I never drink? Oh, I drank all right. And then right before my wedding my best friend took me on a tour through wine country. Yeah, I kept tasting different wines and then pretty soon I was cheating on my fiancee with some Asian lady. Is that what you want?! Hmmm?! The Asian lady from “Grey´s Anatomy” punching you in the face!! CAUSE THIS HERE IS REAL!!

Teen 2: Isn´t that the plot of the movie “Sideways”?

(Lorenzo and Kendrick get menacingly close to the teen, rough him up some)

Kendrick McIntyre: Hey! Boy, you better watch yourself or you gonna find yourself sideways on a prison bathroom floor!!!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yeah, you´ll be tasting a variety of liquids all right. But you ain´t gonna be drinking outta no glass!! The only thing you´ll be swishing around in your mouth is “penis noir”!!

Officer: Hey! Ho! No, no! MacIntosh, McIntyre, come on, guys! You can´t say stuff like that!

(Lorenzo and Kendrick palms up)

Kendrick McIntyre: Hey, my bad, chief.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Hey, here´s the boundary, we overstepped it. Ha,ha. And why you kids drinking beers?

Teen 1: Bored.

Teen 2: Yeah, we´re stuck in this stupid town.

Kendrick McIntyre: Oh, you think you´re stuck in a small town?! One time I was stuck in a town so bad I felt like I was reliving the same day over and over again! Pretty soon I was so crazy I kidnapped the Ferris groundhog and drove it over a cliff!!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Is that what you want?! A murder-suicide with Punxsatowney Phil?! CAUSE THIS HERE IS REAL!!

Teen 3: Yeah, I think that´s the plot to “Groundhog Day”.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick are furious, Lorenzo paces up and down punching his fist into his hand, hand five´s Kendrick. They get menacingly close to the teen)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh! Boy, you better keep your damn mouth SHUT!! Or the only small town you´ll be stuck in is a PRISON!! And you´ll be dealing with a hog, all right. But this hog ain´t gonna pop outta the ground. Its gonna pop outta the hole in your cellmate´s pants!!!

Kendrick McIntyre: Yeah, and it doesn´t matter if he sees a shadow. It ain´t gonna be springtime, it’s gonna be ding-a-ling time!

Officer: Hey, no, no. Both of you, come on! Good Lord.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick palms up)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh, hey, hey. That´s on us, chief.

Kendrick McIntyre: Yeah, we strike a pose, you just lay down the twister mac.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: All right. Which one of you is the ringleader?

(Teen 1 and 3 point towards teen 2. Kendrick grabs teen 2 by his shirt, lifts him up)

Kendrick McIntyre: Get your ass up! Now, where did you get the beer from, Bob Dylan?

Teen 2: Nowhere.

Kendrick McIntyre: Oh, you like secrets, huh? I had a secret once. I had an alien in my bedroom. Pretty soon it was eating my Reese’s´s pieces and making long distance phone calls!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Is that what you want?! Huh?! The government chasing you and you have to fly away in a bicycle!

Lorenzo and Kendrick: CAUSE THIS HERE IS REAL!!!

Teen 1: (gets up laughing) Ok, that´s “E.T.”, guys.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick scream in fury madness. They sit the teen roughly, get violently close. Lorenzo puts his fist up to the teen’s face. Now, Kenan as Lorenzo decides to play with Bill Hader and touches his lips softly making Bill Hader crack up. Tracy cracks him up further by touching Bill’s nose softly)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Shut up!! Boy, you keep up that attitude and the only alien visitor you’ll be dealing with is a 300 pound Mexican dude!! And he’s gonna have a long, skinny finger all right, but it ain’t gonna be on his hand.

Kendrick McIntyre: And you’ll get the Reese’s pieces but won’t follow, you’ll follow to the hospital and say “I need a new ASS!!!”

Officer: Oh, no way, no way! You cannot say that to kids….or adults.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick palms up)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yeah, even I know that was way too far.

Officer: Ok, guys. You both need to leave. Ok, now.

Kendrick McIntyre: That’s cool.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Just remember, you want to booze it up? They gonna knock you down.

Officer: That’s right.

Kendrick McIntyre: You want to break the rules? You gonna get broken!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: You want to pound beers? They gonna pound your rears! Now, imagine a beer can…now, imagine something the size of a beer can.

Officer: Hey, hey. MacIntosh, Good Lord! Come on, man.

Kendrick McIntyre: We out.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: (as he goes) A beer can.(Kendrick makes a hole with his hands, points to the teens)

Officer: Oh, we get it, we get it. Let’s go, let’s go.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick leave. Officer jumps back on the desk and slams his ass hard on it. Jason Sudeikis stifles a laugh)

Officer: You boys learned your lesson?

(Bill, Andy and Bobby all have smiles on their faces, they’re about to crack up laughing. Teens nod no with their heads)

Officer: Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Teen 3: Hey, (cracking up, points out the window) they’re escaping in your car!

Officer: Come on, come on. You think I’m gonna fall for that? That’s impossible. I got the keys right here. (pulls out from his pocket a big key chain that says SUCKA) Wait a second, I’ll be right back. (runs out of the room)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Suppressex

Cheerleader…..Abby Elliott
Uncle Jeff…..Will Forte
Dr. Ricky Lamayne…..Tracy Morgan
Department Store Santa…..Bill Hader

[ open on three cheerleaders crowded around Uncle Jeff, who sits in his car ]

Cheerleader: Thanks for picking me up, Uncle Jeff!

Uncle Jeff: Hey, you know I don’t mind having to leave work early! [ he laughs ]

Cheerleader: You mind giving my friends a ride?

Uncle Jeff: Sure! Get in.

Cheerleader: Thanks!

[ the cheerleaders run out of view, as the camera zooms in on Uncle Jeff ]

Uncle Jeff: This is no time for an erection.

[ cut to Dr. Ricky Lamayne in his office ]

Dr. Ricky LaMayne: You’re damn right, it’s not! Hi! I’m Dr. Ricky Lamayne. And, for years, I’ve struggled with having erections at the wrong time. I’d be at the gym, and I’d see a fat girl on a life cycle… or I’d be watching tow turtles doing it at the zoo… or I’d just be at the supermarket watching grown women shop for cucumbers. There’s a million drugs out there to help you get your thing up… but only ONE can help keep your stuff down! [ holds up product ] Suppressex! I created Suppressex! I was at a Super Bowl party, and that commercial came on, with the real sexy M&M — you know, the green one with the legs! Come on! You know she got it goin’ on! Here! Take a look at this chart!

[ show chart: Sexual Arousal, Max. and Min. ]

Dr. Ricky LaMayne: In just ten minutes, Suppressex takes your sexual arousement from red high heels… to Crocs… to those prescription shoes for people with different-sized legs.

[ dissolve to Department Store Santa getting dressed in a locker room ]

Department Store Santa: I’m a department store Santa. In my line of work, one accidental erect penis, and I could lose my job. Two in the same shift, and I’d go to jail! But, with Suppressex, no one gets a surprise before Christmas!

[ cut back to Dr. Ricky LaMayne ]

Dr. Ricky LaMayne: I don’t know HOW Suppressex works! It has some freaky nut juice in it, or something. I just know that when I TAKE one, I don’t have to worry about getting into a crowded elevator while weating sweatpants! It’s perfect for CHURCH… PUBLIC POOLS… YOGA CLASS… LAYING FACE-DOWN ON A WATERSLIDE… WATCHING OLD LADIES SUCK ON GRAPES… and STANDING! [ glances at a cat poster behind him ] Uh-oh! Look! That cat isn’t wearing any pants! [ he takes a Suppressex pill ] Whoo! Thanks, Suppressex!

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: Ask your doctor about Suppressex.

Jingle: Suppress it with Suppressex!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Amazon.com Widgets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Tracy Returns

…..Tracy Morgan
Security…..Emily Spivey
Page…..Simon Rich
Guard…..John Cena
…..Tina Fey

[ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center, night ]

Tracy Morgan: Rockefeller Center on a Saturday night — there’s nothing like it in the world! You can just FEEL the energy crackling as you come through the door! This is where TV lives and breathes! Twelve years ago, I came here a puppy — I left, A MAN!! Now, I’m back again! Wiser, still! Yet, in all my adventures, all my travels… I’ve learned something: this building? This building is MY HOME!!

[ cut to Tracy at the Secueity desk ]

Security: Sir, you don’t have any I.D.?

Tracy Morgan: Listen! I’m Tracy Morgan!

Security: [ unimpressed ] Do you have anything on your person that says that?

Tracy Morgan: How about my FACE?! That’s on my person!

Security: I’m sorry. Can you just have someone call down?

Tracy Morgan: I’ve worked too hard to get here to have someone call down for me!

[ she gives him a stunned look; he returns the gaze, then turns so he can storm into the elevator. The sight of two male guard blocking the entrance stops him in his tracks, but Tracy cracks his knuckes and crinkles his brow and makes a run for them, although neither of them realize Tracy is coming ]

[ to his buddy ] If you pay me, I’ll do your taxes, man. Just ask me.

[ Tracy appears and coldcocks both men, then runs through the turnstile and into a closing elevator door ]

Man: [ impressed ] Hey… you’re Tracy Morgan!

[ Tracy turns to coldcock the man ]

Woman: What are you doing…?

[ Tracy coldcocks her as well ]

[ the elevator opens on Floor 8, as Tracy storms down the hall ]

Page: [ smiling ] Hey, Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: I’m not the Jordan you’re lookin’ for!

Page: What’s that?

[ Tracy coldcocks the page in slo-mo, then storms into the main hall ]

[ a Guard waits at the end of the hall, outside the doors to the studio ]

[ slo-mo close-ups as the two men acknowledge one another’s mighty presence ]

Guard: Come ooooooonnnnnn!!!

[ Tracy screams, then runs slo-mo with his foot pointed in front of him, the Guard taunting him every inch of the way ]

[ back to reality: Tracy appears right in front of the Guard ]

Guard: [ with a handshake and a smile ] Welcome back, Tracy!

[ Tracy coldcocks the Guard, then rushes into the studio ]

[ as he runs down an inner corridor, Tina Fey emerges from behind the back of a setpiece ]

Tina Fey: Tracy! There you are!

[ Tracy screams ]

Tina Fey: Tracy! It’s me, Tina! It’s okay. We used to work together, like, all the time?

Tracy Morgan: [ coming back to him ] Tina?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

[ Tracy coldcocks Tina ]

Tracy Morgan: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18


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08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
John Malkovich…..Bill Hader
…..Tracy Morgan
Barbie…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: “Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers”.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

[ image: Bernie Madoff ] On Thursday, someone was finally turned down for a bailout.

In a speech, Tuesday, President Obama outlined new education goals that propose longer school days and longer school years. “That’s a brilliant idea!” said Catherine, the 5th grader nobody likes.

President Barack Obama said on Monday that human cloning is dangerous, profoundly wrong, and has no place in society. An opinion he formed after coming home to find Obama 2.0 in bed with Michelle.

This week, Wall Street and the entire financial world were stunned and frightened by the sudden appearance of this mysterious symbol: [ an arrow pointing up ]

Seth Meyers: The list of clients swindled by Bernie Madoff included a number of celebrities, such as Kevin Bacon and Steven Spielberg. Here to give his views on Madoff’s plea, is one of those clients — actor John Malkovich.

John Malkovich: Hello, Seth. I want to thank you for having me here.

Seth Meyers: Now, Mr. Malkovich, uh, you must have been upset when you heard your money had been stolen by Mr. Madoff.

John Malkovich: [ in a calm monotone ] I was, at first… [ he sighs heavily ] perturbed. But I then realized that Bernard would be dealt with properly by the authorities.

Seth Meyers: Well… that’s a pretty calm reaction for you…

John Malkovich: For what?

Seth Meyers: Well… you know, for someone who — in many of your movies, you will —

John Malkovich: What? Speak quietly, and then suddenly begin screaming? [ he clenches his teeth ]

Seth Meyers: Yes.

John Malkovich: Well… that’s in my movies, Seth. I am perfectly capable of controlling myself.

Seth Meyers: Of course. But, surely, you mut have been upset by the news that Mrs. Madoff may be able to keep some property she purchased with stolen money.

John Malkovich: [ holding back his fumes ] Well… I was not aware of that. That is rather upsetting, given all the victims yet to be COM-PEN-SATE-ED! But that is no reason to begin suddenly screaming.

Seth Meyers: No? [ with sly intent ] What about the fact that he stole from a charity run by Elie Wiesel?

John Malkovich: Okay… I can tell you what’s about to happen to me: I’m about to start screaming! Because I held it in about the first thing, it’s going to be a BIG one! A long, intense, strangely articulate screaming ja-a-ag! [ hee contains it ] Okay, no — that passed. [ he smiles ] You see? Calmer tempers can prevail.

Seth Meyers: Well, that is a very reasonable way to think about this.

John Malkovich: Thank you, my good friend.

Seth Meyers: Especially after the news that Madoff’s lawyers were asking for him to remain free until the sentencing in June.

John Malkovich: For real?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

John Malkovich: [ outraged ] Bernie Madoff, I summon the god of old to shower you WITH DEATH!!! You will not be able to flee the wrath of the beast because the streets will be FLOODED WITH YOUR BLOOD!!! GOOD DAY, SIRRRR!!!!

Seth Meyers: [ excited ] YES!! Do you feel better?

John Malkovich: Yes! Quite!

Seth Meyers: John Malkovich, everybody!

Lawmakers in New Jersey are proposing a ban on Brazilian waxing. If it passes, New Jersey will change its nickname to the Overgrown Garden State.

San Francisco officials are cracking down on spontaneous gatherings organized on the Internet, after a pillow fight cost the city $20,000 to clean up the feathers. Though you would think that, in San Francisco, “feather cleanup” would be included in the city budget.

Seth Meyers: An assemblyman in Brooklyn is proposing a ten-dollar tax on patrons of nude and semi-nude dance club and strip bars —

Tracy Morgan: Which brings me to a segment I like to call “Really!? with Tracy Morgan”.

[ title card ]

Tracy Morgan: They want to add a ten-dollar tax for strip clubs?! I really, really, really, really don’t want you to DO this! Really!

[ title card ]

Tracy Morgan V/O: This… is Tracy Morgan!

Seth Meyers: [ flummoxed ] That’s it?

Tracy Morgan: I really don’t like that tax, Seth!

Seth Meyers: Tracy Morgan, everyone!

A rabbi in Massachusetts has created a Purim party bus, in which students from various local colleges can ride around and celebrate the Jewish holiday. Because when I hear “rabbi”, I think “someone who knows how to put together a party bus”.

A man in Pennsylvania, who was pulled over for a DWI, claimed that the police had no jurisdiction over him because he was his own country, saying, “I live inside myself, not in Pennsylvania.” And, in international news, the Republic of Carl was just beaten with some nightsticks.

As GPS units become common features in cars and cell phones, more drivers are encountering map inaccuracies, causing them to drive off the road. Though, if you’re that easily persuaded to just to plow into the woods, maybe driving’s not for you.

Seth Meyers: This week marks the 50th birthday of one of America’s most iconic figures. Here to tell us all about it, please welcome Barbie!

[ Barbie wheels over with arms angled stiffly and a pair of sunglasses attached to her hand. She shuffles them between hands, then lets the sunglasses drop. ]

Barbie: Hi, Seth! Sorry I’m late. I sat in my pink convertible for two hours before I remembered it didn’t have a motor! A good push will only get you so far — oh, Barbie!

Seth Meyers: Well, uh, we’re glad you made it, and I have to say you look great for 50!

Barbie: You’d better be careful! Or I’m gonna give you a sexy little tickle! Here I come. [ she leans forward to grope at Seth without breaking the stiffness of her posture ]

Seth Meyers: Alright! That’s enough, Barbie…

Barbie: What’s the matter, Seth? Not into plastic.

Seth Meyers: Alright, why don’t you tell us how you celebrated your birthday.

Barbie: My friends had a party for me! Midge… Skipper… Black Barbie…

Seth Meyers: Well, that sounds like fun.

Barbie: It was! Until a slutty Bratz doll showed up and cut somebody!

Seth Meyers: So, uh, where was Ken during this?

Barbie: Oh… um… he wasn’t invited.

Seth Meyers: Aren’t you two still together?

Barbie: For tax reasons, we are… but… other than that, not really. The truth is that I haven’t been satisfied with Ken for a long time.

Seth Meyers: Really? Why is that?

Barbie: Have you ever pulled down Ken’s pants?

Seth Meyers: No.

Barbie: No? Don’t. It’s disturbing.

[ Barbie angles her stiff arms over to drag a bottle of Wilson’s Blends Scotch Whiskey closer, then performs the same motion to drag a whiskey glass and an ash tray closer. She awkwardly grips the bottle in such a way so that she can unscrew the cap, but succeeds only in twirling the entire bottle.

Barbie: Can I get a little..?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I’d be happy to help! [ he grabs the bottle, unscrews the cap and pours ]

Barbie: Thank you! [ she grabs the glass with both hands and swings it upward, spilling the whiskey all over her dress ] Oh, Barbie!

Seth Meyers: Are you okay?

Barbie: Getting older isn’t easy. The dreamhouse is in foreclosure. It’s pretty bad.

Seth Meyers: Well, I mean… you could get a job.

Barbie: Oh, I’ve never had a job! I’ve been a nurse… a stewardess… an astronaut — I got fired from ALL of them!

Seth Meyers: Why do you think that is?

Barbie: Almost, if not every, job requires elbows. Look at me! I type two words a minute! I was a surgeon, for God’s sake! Why did they ever hire me?

Seth Meyers: Your looks.

Barbie: [ she smiles] Seth! Tickle time!

Seth Meyers: [ playfully ] Stop it! Barbie, stop it! Well, thak you for coming by, Barbie! It’s been very lively!

Barbie: Thanks for having me, Seth!

Seth Meyers: Barbie, everyone!

Kevin Richardson, an animal trainer at a preserve in South Africa, said this week that he likes to swim with Meg, a 400-pound lioness that lives there. You can read all about it in his upcoming — and almost certainly unfinished — autobiography.

A man in California is building a boat made out of recycled plastic bottles and plans to sail it to Australia. Hopefully, from no more than fifty feet away from Australia.

This June, hundreds of cyclists will ride naked through Central Park for the World Naked Bike Ride. The event will be followed by the ceremonial Burning of the Bike Seats.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

April 4th, 2009

Seth Rogen

Phoenix

None

None

Paula Pell

Jorma Taccone

A Special Address From the President of the United StatesSummary: While in Europe, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) outlines which companies he will and will agree to bail out in the future.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Seth Rogen’s MonologueSummary: Audience members don’t quite recognize Seth Rogen after his recent weight loss.

First Hosted: 07b.

Transcript

The Fast & The Bi-CuriousSummary: Fast cars and male-on-male kissing dominate the trailer for the action film sequel.

Transcript

Save the FunniesSummary: At the Marriott Hotel, Dick Tracy (Jason Sudeikis) leads a group of comics page characters and features in the struggle to find a way to keep the newspaper business afloat.

Recurring Characters: Cathy, Marcy.

Transcript

La Rivista Della TelevisioneSummary: Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews Seth Rogen, the infamous “Bear Man” of American cinema.

Recurring Characters: Vinnie Vedecci, crew members, Vinny’s son.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Around the office, Andy Samberg conducts everyday business activities “Like The Boss”.

Transcript

Girlfriend VoicesSummary: Trio of buddies (Seth Rogen, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg) creep one another out when they employ their cutesy-pie voices during cell phone conversations with their girlfriends.

Phoenix performs “Lisztomania”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (Jason Sudeikis) is desperate to launch a get-rich-quick scheme. French Def Jam comedian Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson) comments on Barack Obama’s European tour. Madonna (Kristen Wiig) is upset that she was unable to adopt an African baby, then Angelina Jolie (Abby Elliott) wanders in for a game of oneupmanship.

Recurring Characters: Rod Blagojevich, Jean K. Jean, Angelina Jolie, Madonna.

The PresentationSummary: An office worker (Seth Rogens) screws up when the audio for his presentation is swapped with “You’re The One That I Want” from “Grease”.

Milestone HighSummary: Geeky Eli (Andy Samberg) attempts to tutor dumb Lance (Seth Rogen), who claims to be the school’s star basketball player.

Clancy T. Bachleratt and Jackie Snad Sing Easter Songs about Spaceships, Toddlers, Model T. Cars & Jars of BeerSummary: Spokesman (Seth Rogen) touts the joint Easter music collaboration of patriotic country musicians Clancy T. Bachleratt (Will Forte) and Jackie Snad (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Clancy T. Bachleratt, Jackie Snad.

Phoenix performs “1901”

Muppets Hit & RunSummary: The Muppets are shocked when Rolf (Seth Rogen) rolls the bus over a pedestrian and is convinced they can get away with it if they just keep quiet.

Recurring Characters: Nipsey Russell.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

The Fast and the Bi-Curious

Blake….Andy Samberg
Young Mechanic….Seth Rogen
Hot chick….Abby Elliott

(Opens with street racing cars screeching and roaring on the streets)

Announcer: Coming this summer from the makers of “The Fast and The Furious” comes a new film with more action, more excitement and way more testosterone!

(Two guys face each other intensely in a garage)

Blake: I´m gonna smoke your ass, just like I did on the Tokyo circuit.

Young Mechanic: I would´ve won that race if it wasn´t for that exploding piston.

(a hot chick sitting on top of a car puts on make-up)

Hot Chick: Don´t listen, Blake. He´s just trying to psych you out.

Blake: (getting closer) It exploded cause you pushed it too far and it got too hot.

Young Mechanic: That…won´t happen again.

(Blake gets closer to the young mechanic´s mouth, the mechanic closes his eyes, passion sets in)

Blake: (whispers) We´ll see about that.

Hot Chick: Guys? Guys, what´s happening?

Announcer: That´s right. Its The Fast and the Bi-Curious.

(Cars tumble down bridges, crashes)

Announcer: Its just like the Vin Diesel version except slightly gayer.

(The young mechanic works on a car. Blake comes up behind him.)

Blake: So, I guess I´ll see ya´tomorrow at the race, loser!

Young Mechanic: (with love in his eyes) You´re leaving?

Blake: Uh, yeah, well, its late…

Young Mechanic: You could stay here.

Blake: You want me to?

(Young mechanic is torn by man-love)

Announcer: Oh, ye-e-eah! If you like fast cars (Blake looks at the metal slide that measures oil) hot nights (mechanic makes gas funnel looks like his penis) and gay stuff (Blake licks the oil metal slide)then buddy, this is the movie for you! (two guys make out underneath a car, legs intertwined)

(Cut to Blake and the young mechanic)

Young Mechanic: You got some grease on your cheek.

(Licks his thumb and washes away with it the grease stain on Blake´s cheek. Hot chick is disgusted)

Blake: My, you´re cheeky.

Announcer: The Fast and the Bi-Curious. It doesn´t mean you´re gay. Just, maybe don´t get married.

(Blake and the young mechanic are almost kissing, eyes closed)

Blake: (whisper) Tell me to…

Young Mechanic: (whisper) You go first…

(screen goes black)

(cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Save the Funnies

Dick Tracy…..Jason Sudeikis
Hagar the Horrible…..Seth Rogen
Helga…..Casey Wilson
Archie…..Bill Hader
Veronica…..Abby Elliott
Jon…..Will Forte
Garfield…..Bobby Moynihan
Columnist…..Kenan Thompson
Jumble Maker…..Darrell Hammond
Cathy…..Andy Samberg
Far Side Woman…..Paula Pell
Political Cartoon…..
Peppermint Patty…..Kristen Wiig
Marcy…..Michaela Watkins
Sudoku…..Fred Armisen

[ various headlines appear on screen:

CHICAGO SUN-TIMES FILES CHAPTER 11

NEWSPAPER INDUSTRY IN CRISIS

SEATTLE DAILY PAPER FOLDS ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Marriott New York Marquis ]

[ dissolve to ballroom area, where Dick Tracy leads a meeting of comics page characters ]

Dick Tracy: Alright. Okay. If I could have your attention, please? I’m Dick Tracy, and I’ve called this meeting because newspapers are in trouble! That’s why we’re all here. Now, I’m gonna open up the floor to suggestions, but first I want to thank Hagar the Horrible and his wife Helga for catering this event.

Hagar the Horrible: Helga’s on a SEAFOOD diet — she SEES food, and she EATS it!

Helga: I’ll tell you where Hagar’s really horrible — IN BED!!

Dick Tracy: [ reeling ] Wow. I can already tell the open bar was a mistake. Okay. Alright, now who’s got solutions? Archie and Veronica.

Archie: I know how we can raise money to save newspapers! We’ll get a PAPER ROUTE!

Veronica: Yeah!

Dick Tracy: Archie? Archie, you’re an idiot. A DUMB idiot!

Jon: Sorry to interrupt, uh — we’d just like to thank everybody here for agreeing to move this to a Tuesday.

Garfield: [ eating lasagna ] Yeah. I HATE Mondays!

Dick Tracy: [ he chuckles ] Ah, that’s no problem. Thanks for coming, Heathcliff.

[ Garfield throws down his fork ]

Garfield: Excuse me?! [ he stands ]

Dick Tracy: I-I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Garfield! It’s an honest mistake!

Garfield: You think every orange cat is the same?! That’s RACIST!

Dick Tracy: Well, no! Hey — no, no, no! That’s ridiculous! No! No! Dick Tracy is NOT a racist, okay? Who else? [ looks around, points ] Let’s see. Guy from Boondocks!

[ cut to befuddled Black Man in the back of the room ]

Coulmnist: I’m not from the Boondocks!

Dick Tracy: [ shakes his head ] No? Jump Start?

Coulmnist: [ peeved ] I write the BRIDGE column!

[ the room sounds their recognition ]

Dick Tracy: Okay, okay! Alright, okay, come on, people, let’s go! We’re up against iPods and TV and the Internet… I mean, somebody has to have some cutting-edge solutions, alright? [ points ] Okay, you! You! Who are you?

Jumble Maker: I make the Jumbles.

Dick Tracy: Oof! Uhhh… okay. I don’t think you can help us.

Jumble Maker: KCUF you!

Dick Tracy: What?

Jumble Maker: Jumble it.

Dick Tracy: [ thinking ] Hey! Hey! Easy!

[ Cathy enters ]

Cathy: Hey, sorry I’m late! I had a HOT DATE — with my TV GUIDE! Sweat drops! Whirly lines! Aaacckk!!

Dick Tracy: [ laughing ] Oh, man! Whoo! Cathy… Cathy… we’re trying to think of ways to save our strips.

Cathy: Hey, don’t look at me — I don’t have a strip! Mine’s so overgrown, it looks like the AMAZON RAINFOREST!!

[ the room is effectively grossed out ]

Dick Tracy: Ack! Eughh! [ Cathy steps down ] Okay, guys, look — we’ve been here for, like, fifty panels! We need an idea that makes sense, alright? [ points ] Uh — Far Side!

[ cut to Far Side Woman at the back of the room; she just stands there in a beehive hairdo holding a butterfly net ]

Dick Tracy: Never mind. Okay, uh — Political Cartoon!

[ cut to Political Cartoon, a guy dressed as a convict with “AIG” on his chest and holding a bag marked “BONUSES”; he swirls his fingers. ]

Dick Tracy: Very subtle. Very good. Uh, what about the crew from Peanuts? Peppermint Patty? Marcy?

[ cut to Peppermint Patty and Marcy kissing heavily ]

Dick Tracy: Hey, now!

Peppermint Patty: What?!

Dick Tracy: Look, now, I-I-I-I-I always assumed… but… you know..?

Peppermint Patty: Good grief, Chuck! It’s 2009!

Marcy: You tell them, Sir!

Dick Tracy: Okay. Okay. Look, alright, fine.

[ Peppermint Patty and Marcy resume their game of tonsil hockey ]

Dick Tracy: Fine, fine, fine! Okay, I give up! Alright? There’s nothing we can do!

[ suddenly, smoke fills the room, as a wizard holding a Sudoku board enters ]

Dick Tracy: Who are you?!

Sudoku: I am the one who can save you! I am the one you call… SUDOKU!!

[ the room oohs and ahhs ]

Sudoku: People will buy your funny pages to solve my ancient puzzle!

Dick Tracy: [ thinking ] Wait… I mean, it’s just moving numbers around, right?

Sudoku: [ he laughs uproariously ] SU-DO-KU!!

Dick Tracy: Alright, we’re back in business, gang! Yeah!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Goodnights

…..Seth Rogen
…..Phoenix

Seth Rogen: I want to thank Phoenix for coming. I want to thank Lorne, and the cast… and, uh, my family and friends — thanks for coming, thank you! And, uh, once again, guys… give it up for Phoenix!

[ the camera pans over to Phoenix on the musical guest stage, as the credits begin to roll ]

Phoenix: [ singing ]
“Baby, when I saw you turning at the end of the street
I knew a time was gone and it took me like ages
Just to understand that I was afraid to be a simple guy
I tried my best to smile, but deep inside my heart
I felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing
I guess I couldn’t live without the things that made my life what it is.

Can’t you hear it calling, oh yeah
Everybody’s dancin’, oh yeah
Tonight, everything is over
I feel too young.

I can’t lie on my bed without thinking I was wrong
But when that feeling calls, this world becomes another
Nighttime won’t hold me in your arms again
I got a very good friend who says he can’t believe the love I give…”

[ the credits cut off ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Seth Rogen’s Monologue

…..Seth Rogen
Audience Member 1…..Kristen Wiig
Audience Member 2…..Jason Sudeikis
Audience Member 3…..Bill Hader
Audience Member 4…..Bobby Moynihan
Babe…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Seth Rogen!

Seth Rogen: Thank you! Thank you very much! It is GREAT to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m really excited — I have a new movie coming out called “Observe and Report”. It’s a really funny movie about a mall cop.

Uh, this is my second time hosting, and it’s really — it’s amazing how different things are since I was here last. Uh, for one thing… I lost about one million pounds. [ the audience laughs and cheers ] Another thing is, I feel way more prepared this time. I learned so much since the last time I hosted. Like, for instance: now I know that the head guy’s name is pronounced “Lorne”. Not “Lauren”, or “Laura”. Because those are girl’s names. “Lorne”, on the other hand, is a man’s name. A very normal man’s name.

What else? Oh! Uh, here’s something different. Um — the first time you host, the writers spend a LOT of time working on your monologue. The second time, they get lazy and they tell you to take questions from the audience. So, here we go. [ points to an audience member ] Yes? Uh… you.

Audience Member 1: Hi. Uh, I just want to say I think you look great.

Seth Rogen: Thanks! Thank you! Thank you so much!

Audience Member 1: Did you lose all of that weight after you shot “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”?

Seth Rogen: Uh… I was not in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”.

Audience Member 1: Oh. I thought you said you were in a mall cop comedy?

Seth Rogen: I am, uh… it’s a completely different mall cop movie.

Audience Member 1: You’re in a second mall cop movie? [ she laughs ] Okay! Good luck with that!

Seth Rogen: Thank you very much…

Audience Member 2: Hey, over here!

Seth Rogen: Yes. Uh… you?

Audience Member 2: Yeah, I just want to start out by saying that I’m really excited to see you in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”!

Seth Rogen: [ he laughs ] That’s great, but, like I said, I’m not in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”!

Audience Member 2: Yeah, I know.

Seth Rogen: [ befuddled ] You have a question?

Audience Member 2: No. [ he sits ]

Audience Member 3: [ a pizza delivery guy ] Hey, man! You remember me?

Seth Rogen: Yeah! Actually, I do! You look familiar, man!

Audience Member 3: The delivery guy who used to bring you pizza every night?

Seth Rogen: Oh! yeah, yeah! How’s it going, man?

Audience Member 3: Bad! It’s going bad! I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re in the middle of a recession! Not a good time for your best customer to decide to get healthy!

Seth Rogen: Oh. Um… I’m really sorry, man. But what do you want me to do about that?

Audience Member 3: Bailout! I want you to pay me for what you would have spent this month.

Seth Rogen: Okay… fine. How much is that?

Audience Member 3: $3,500.

Seth Rogen: [ bewildered ] $3,500 for pizza?!

Audience Member 3: I’m also your WEED dealer.

Seth Rogen: [ siganls him to “cool out” ] Okay! Okay, I’ll give you that. I’ll give you that after the show.

Audience Member 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Slim.

Seth Rogen: Alright, so… I guess not everyone is happy I lost the weight!

Audience Member 4: Yeah, I’ll say!

Seth Rogen: [ amused ] Who are you?

Audience Member 4: Hi, uh, my name is, uh, Matt Bankford. I used to tell girls I was Seth Rogen, in effort to sleep with them! Okay? But, now, I can’t do that! ‘Cuase now, when I tell girl I am Seth Rogen, she says, “You CAN’T be Seth Rogen! You’re TOO FAT!!” And what exactly did I do to deserve that kind of cruelty?

Seth Rogen: Uh, I’ll tell you: you lied about your identity to sleep with women. So…

Audience Member 4: Touche.

Seth Rogen: Yeah!

Audience Member 4: [ he sits next to an attractive babe ] Hey! What’s your name?

Babe: Lisa.

Audience Member 4: Hi! I’m Se– [ stops, reconsiders ] I’m Jonah Hill. [ he slyly wraps his around her ]

Seth Rogen: Well, I’m glad to see that he landed on his feet. And I’m glad to be back. Phoenix is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Amazon.com Widgets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Muppets Hit & Run

Beaker…..Kristen Wiig
Swedish Chef…..Andy Samberg
Animal…..Bill Hader
Janice…..Michaela Watkins
Zoot…..Fred Armisen
Fozzy Bear…..Jason Sudeikis
Gonzo…..Bobby Moynihan
Kermit the Frog…..Will Forte
Rolf…..Seth Rogen
Policeman…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, scene of the bus traveling down the road in “The Muppet Movie” ]

[ dissolve to interior of bus, with Beaker, Swedish Chef, Animal, Janice, Zoot, Fozzy Bear, Gonzo, Kermit the Frog, and Rolf singing “Movin’ Right Along” ]

Rolf: Great song, gang!

Swedish Chef: Borgie borg!

Kermit the Frog: You said it, Chef!

Gonzo: Friends, fun, and song — that’s what it’s all about!

[ Animal gets excited in the background ]

Rolf: Animal! Calm down back there!

Kermit the Frog: Oh, Rolf! Look out!

[ Rolf jerks the wheel, causing the bus to bounce as it rolls over a body. Everyone is shell-shocked ]

Gonzo: Oh, my God! I — I think we hit someone!

Rolf: No… no. Weeeee didn’t hit, uh, anything!

Kermit the Frog: Uh, Rolf? We should stop.

Rolf: [ shaking his head ] Nope! We’re not stopping!

Gonzo: There’s blood all over the hood!

[ Animal panics in the background ]

Janice: Yeah. I’m freakin’ out, here.

[ a police siren sounds in the background ]

Kermit the Frog: Oh, no! It’s the fuzz! I — I told you we shuld have stopped.

Rolf: Listen, Kermit — go play your banjo! I’ve got this!

Kermit the Frog: Fine. But you’re taking the hit,

Fozzy Bear: Wow, Kermit! You really “threw him under the bus” on that one! Wacka-wacka-wacka!

Gonzo: Too soon, Fozzy.

[ Animal gets excited in the background, as Rolf pulls over ]

Rolf: Okay! It’s crunch time, gang! Does anyone have anything illegal on them?

[ Animal lifts a pile of dynamite and a bag of cocaine ]

Animal: Boom boom, sniff sniff!

Fozzy Bear: [ lifts a large screw ] We’re screwed, ha haaa!

[ Beaker panics in the background ]

Gonzo: Aw, man! Beaker’s freaking out!

[ the Swedish Chef tries to calm Beaker down to no avail, so he slaps him across the face ]

Sweish Chef: Smorgie… smorg!

[ Beaker relaxes ]

Rolf: He’s coming! Listen up! THIS is what went down: We were singing and being friends. That’s it! Nothing happened! Got it?Everyone: GOT IT!!!

Rolf: Good! Act natural!

[ everyone assumes a natural pose, as a policeman played by Nipsey Russell enters the bus ]

Policeman: Well, well, well! If it isn’t the Muppets!

EVeryone: NIPSEY RUSSELL!!

Policeman: [ reciting ] “There once was a bus full of creatures –“

[ a shot rings out; the policeman doubles over ]

Policeman: OW!!

[ everyone looks up to discover that Zoot is holding a shotgun ]

Policeman: You shot me!

[ the policeman stumbles out of the bus ]

Zoot: If anyone has a problem with what just happened… say it now!

[ everyone hsakes their head no, scared out of their wits ]

Kermit the Frog: Floor it!

[ Rolf peels out ]

Rolf: Well, gang… looks like we’re off to Mexico!

[ everyone breaks into the chorus from the “Muppet Show” theme ]

[ the policeman reappears in the back window, chasing after them. The Muppets scream ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts