A Special Address From the President of the United States
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
[ open on presidential seal ]
Announcer: The following is a Special Address from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated in Oval Office replica ]
President Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am speaking to you tonight from EUROPE! And, as you’ve probably heard… they all went NUTS for me! [ he smiles with grandiose confidence ] It was almost scary.
But, tonight, I’d like to focus on the… American economy. Earlier this week, my administration issued a major decision regarding the federal bailout of automakers Chrysler and General Motors. We announced that as a condition of future government assistance, Chrsyler must complete its merger with Fiat in the next thirty days. And GM must both replace its CEO, Rick Wagoner, and outline a new plan to achieve solvency within sixty days. Otherwise, all federal funding will be… cut off.
Now, some have suggested that these demands are UNFAIR! They feel that the auto industry is being singled out for PUNISHMENT! And held to a higher standard than other sectors of the U.S. ECONOMY! Not so. Let me assure you, in the days ahead, my administration intends to do to every industry in this country EXACTLY what we are doing to the auto makers! When we’re finished, every corporation in America will have been thoroughly vetted for fiscal soundness! Those judged best able to compete in the global economy will be offered a government subsidy. The others will be asked to seize operations AT ONCE! And go out of business. We hope they will do so voluntarily. If not, they will be shut BY FORCE!
Here are some we’ve decided on so far:
In the category of riding lawnmowers:
It’s John Deere: YES.
Toro: NO.
Air conditioners:
Lennox: Congratulations, you made the grade.
Carrier: I’m sorry. It’s not working out.
Blue jeans:
Levi: YES.
Wrangler: NOPE.
Coffemakers:
KitchenAid: YES, excellent work.
Mr. Coffee: Sorry, I’m just not seeing it.
Light bulbs:
General Electric: That’s a YES.
Sylvania: Regretfully, NO.
Recliner chairs:
La-Z-Boy: YES, provided you reduce your carbon footprint.
BarcaLounger: I’m sorry, NO. But you had a good run there.
Baseball mitts:
Rawlings: Way to go, you hung in there.
Wilson: You did not.
Now, toothpaste, I went back and forth on this:
Colgate: YES.
Crest: NO.
Pepsodent: For now, YES, but we really need to see some improvement in the company magazine, and soon.
Frozen shrimp:
Gorton’s of Gloucester: YES.
Mrs. Paul’s: NO, absolutely not.
Ballpoint pens:
Paper Mate: You made it, although some of the activity at your company Christmas party we feel crossed the line.
BIC: I hope you’ll understand, but NOPE.
Trench coats:
Burberry: YES.
Aquascutum: Surprisingly, NO.
Plastic vomit:
Jolly Time Corporation: Yes.
Fun-Co Novelties: NO.
Window shades:
Levolor: Congratulations, YES.
Comfortex: I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s not me. It’s just the situation.
Men’s briefs:
Hanes: YES.
Munsingwear: YES, but Munsingwear, your CEO has got to get a new suit. That’s non-negotiable.
Fruit of the Loom: I feel awful about this, but NO. There was nothing I could do.
Colleges:
Arizona State: YES.
University of Arizona: I am sorry. I honestly thought it would go the other way.
National Football League:
New York Giants: YES.
Dallas Cowboys: YES.
Pittsburgh Steelers: NO. If it’s any consolation, I’m probably as surprised as you are.
Stroke magazines:
Playboy: YES.
Hustler: YES.
Penthouse: NO. Incidentally, to former President Clinton: Thanks for all your work on this.
And finally, soft drinks:
Coke: YES, you made it.
Pepsi: You, as well.
7-UP… I’m sorry. You should have seen this coming.
These are just a few of the determinations we have made so far. For the rest, and for new rulings as they are announced, please visit our website at www.toughbastard.org.
So, thank you for your attention. May God bless America. And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Interviewer: Mr. Samberg. Thanks for coming to your performance review.
Andy Samberg: No problem.
Interviewer: So you’re in charge around here, is that fair to say?
Andy Samberg: Absolutely, I’m the boss.
Interviewer: Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the boss.
Andy Samberg: Well the first thing I do is…
[ singing ]
“Talk to corporate (like a boss) Approve memos (like a boss) Lead a workshop (like a boss) Remember birthdays (like a boss) Direct workflow (like a boss) My own bathroom (like a boss) Micromanage (like a boss)Promote Synergy (like a boss) Hit on Debra (like a boss) Get rejected (like a boss) Sallow sadness (like a boss) Send some faxes (like a boss) Call a sex line (like a boss) Cry deeply (like a boss) Demand a refund (like a boss) Eat a bagel (like a boss) Harrassment lawsuit (like a boss) No promotion (like a boss) Fifth of vodka (like a boss) Shit on Debra’s desk (like a boss) Buy a gun (like a boss) In my mouth (like a boss) Oh fuck man I can’t fucking do it… shit! Pussy out (like a boss) Puke on Debra’s desk (like a boss) Jump out the window (like a boss) Suck a dude’s dick (like a boss) Score some coke (like a boss) Crash my car (like a boss) Suck my own dick (like a boss) Eat some chicken strips (like a boss) Chop my balls off (like a boss) Black out in the sewer (like a boss) Meet a giant fish (like a boss) Fuck its brains out (like a boss) Turn into a jet (like a boss) Bomb the Russians (like a boss) Crash into the sun (like a boss) Now I’m dead (like a boss).”
Interviewer: Uh huh. So that’s an average day for you then?
Andy Samberg: No doubt.
Interviewer: You chop your balls off and die?
Andy Samberg: Hell yeah.
Interviewer: And I think at one point there you said something about sucking your own dick.
Andy Samberg: Nope!
Interviewer: Actually I’m pretty sure you did.
Andy Samberg: Nah, that ain’t me.
Interviewer: Okay, well this has been eye opening for me.
Andy Samberg: I’m the boss.
Interviewer: Yeah, no I got that. You said it about four-hundred times.
Obama HomecomingSummary: While in Europe, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) outlines which companies he will and will agree to bail out in the future. Recurring Characters: Joe Biden, President Barack Obama. Transcript
Montage
Zac Efron’s MonologueSummary: Zac Efron thanks his awkward ‘tween fans (Kristen Wiig, Casey Wilson) and an extra-awkward ‘twifty male fan (Fred Armisen). Transcript
TodaySummary: A hyper Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) continues to harrass Hoda Kotb (Michaela Watkins) when Cody Gifford (Zac Efron) visits the studio. Recurring Characters: Kathie Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb, Penny Marshall.
GillySummary: Frizzy-haired Gilly (Kristen Wiig) performs pranks and misdemeanors at the Science Fair Finals. Recurring Characters: Gilly, Mr. Dillon, Sam Jeffers, Liam.
A Message from the Alliance of Direct Mail MarketersSummary: David Pappas (Jason Sudeikis) speaks in favor of unsolicited direct mail advertisements. Transcript
Underage DrinkingSummary: At the Jolly Trolly, a pair of underage high schoolers (Andy Samberg, Zac Efron) are excited to be a bar that doesn’t card — until they discover the room is filled with young children. Recurring Characters: Eliot Spitzer. Transcript
Yeah Yeah Yeahs perform “Zero”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: A couple of gay guys from New Jersey (Bill Hader, Fred Armisen) are thrilled to finally be married. Bitchpleeze blogger Angie Tempura (Michael Watkins) disses celebrities but fawns over Zc Efron. The members of opposite band Jon Bovi (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte) think they should have been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Recurring Characters: Vinnie, Gay Guy from New Jersey, Angie Tempura, Jon Bovi.
High School Musical 4Summary: Troy Bolton (Zac Efron) informs the Class of ’08 that normal people don’t spontaneously sing out loud in the real world. Transcript
Since You Went AwaySummary: In a parody of the classic war drama, departing G.I. Francis (Zac Efron) can’t shake his strong-willed girlfriend Emily (Casey Wilson), who is determined to chase his train all the way to Germany. Transcript
Gino’s Pizza RollsSummary: Manly Norada (Fred Armisen) misinterprets her line while portraying a slighted mom in a Gino’s Pizza Roll commercial.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs perform “Maps”
Foot RubSummary: A teenager (Zac Efron) seeks romantic advice from his older brother (Jason Sudeikis) who lives only to play Guitar Hero and masturbate above the family garage. Transcript
[ dissolve to interior, Andy and Zac seated at the bar ]
Bartender: Here you go, fellas… two PBRs. [ stops ] Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait… are you guys 21?
[ Andy and Zac look at one another with great worry, until the Bartender breaks the tension with a smile ]
Bartender: I’m just messin’ with you guys! [ he taps the counter and taps away ]
[ Andy and Zac cltch their beers, then swivel their barstools with surprise in their eyes ]
Zac: Oh… my… God, man! I can’t believe it! We’re actually doing it! We’re in a bar!
Andy: [ sipping his beer ] My brother was right — they NEVER card here! It’s the BEST!
Amazing! We should get EVERYONE to come here after Prom!
Andy: Most definitely!
[ Andy continues to sip his beers, as Zac scans the room ]
Zac: Hey, that’s kinda weird.
Andy: Hmm? What?
Zac: That table over there —
[ cut to the table, where three grade-school kids sit with beer and toys in tow ]
Zac: Those kids look really young.
Andy: [ looking ] Yeah, I guess.
Zac: No, seriously. Look at that table over there.
[ cut to another table, populated by more grade-school kids ]
Andy: Oh, yeah… man… I guess they really don’t card here. [ he chuckles ]
Zac: This is insane. Those kids are… ten years old.
Andy: Dude! Relax! They’re just here to have a good time, like us.
[ suddenly, the three kids at the table drops a shot into their beer mugs and chug it down ]
[ Andy smiles at this, as the Bartender reappears behind them ]
Bartender: Hey, here you go, gangstas. Here’s two shots of Tequila.
Andy: Oh… we didn’t order any shots.
Bartender: Uhhh, no — it’s from the, uh, ladies over there. [ he points ]
[ cut to two grade-school girls smiling and waving at Andy and Zac ]
Andy: Dude! Ni-ice!
Zac: Oh, my God!
Andy: Thank you, ladies!
Bartender: Whoa! Careful, guys. They’re gerbils. [ Andy and Zac are confused ] Yeah, it’s the opposite of cougars. [ he steps away ]
Zac: Dude, uhhh… I think we should get out of here.
Andy: No, dude, it’s GREAT! I mean… the bouncer’s kind of a dick, but I think we should stay.
[ the Bouncer passes by, holding a newborn baby in his hands ]
Bouncer: Listen, man — I done told you several times! Can’t be starting fights in a bar! Ohhhh, don’t give me that look!
Zac: Okay… that’s it, man! I can’t take it, I’m leaving.
Andy: Fine. Gosh, you’re such a drag.
[ they put their beers down and head for the door, as Officer Williams enters ]
Officer Williams: Attention, everyone! I’m Officer Williams, and I need to see everyone’s I.D.! We have reason to suspect that this bar serves alcohol to minors!
Zac: Really? How ever did you get that idea?
Officer Williams: We have a man on the inside!
[ cut to a toddler holding up a badge ]
Officer Williams: Nice work, Detective!
[ suddenly, Eliot Spitzer enters and addresses the camera ]
Eliot Spitzer: Hello! I’m disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer. Underage drinking is a big problem. Maybe not as big as the Wall Street thing, but, come on! It’s something, right? [ he holds his smile ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] Eliot Spitzer. Coming back… one issue at a time.
[ open on exterior, above-garage apartment, rock music playing ]
[ dissolve to interior, Younger Brother peeking in as Older Brother jams on his guitar ]
Younger Brother: Hey, bro? You got a minute?
Older Brother: [ looks over ] Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah! Yeah, little bro — I’ve got LOTS of minutes. [ stops playing ] Oh, man, I love Guitar Hero, huh?
Younger Brother: Where’s your X-Box?
Older Brother: Oh, I couldn’t afford one. Yeah. so I just bought the guitar. You know, it’s still fun! [ ] So what brings you up to my loft above the garage, little man?
Younger Brother: Uh… [ he sits ] I need some advice.
Older Brother: Good! Okay. Good, good. Yeah, hit me!
Younger Brother: Um — you know, mom and dad are gone for the weekend —
Older Brother: Mmm-hmm.
Younger Brother: And I, uh, invited Becky over, and, uh —
Older Brother: [ smiles ] Ohhhhkay! Let me guess… let me guess. You gotta borrow some Jimmy hands.
Younger Brother: No. I don’t think that’s gonna be the issue.
Older Brother: Ohh! Okay! Alright, I got it! Yuo never pumped her tire, huh? Huh? Split the uprights, right? I’m gonna show you a, uh, sure-fire way to get your ranch dressing in her hidden valley!
Younger Brother: [ stands to leave ] Aw, forget it!
Older Brother: Wait! No, hey, hey, hey!
Younger Brother: I’ll look for advice online!
Older Brother: No, no, come on! That is the way I talk, alright? I’m not sorry about that — at all! That is ME, 100%! Now, park it! Park it!
Younger Brother: [ he sits ] What do I do?
Older Brother: [ smiles ] You ready? [ a beat ] Foot rub!
Younger Brother: Foot rub?
Older Brother: Yes! Now… there is only one way to learn how to give a great foot rub. And that is by GETTING a great foot rub.
Younger Brother: [ chuckles, stands ] No, thanks!
Older Brother: [ grabs him ] Ohhhh, YES, thanks! Yes, bro, right here! [ he taps the coffee table ] Put your foot right up here. Shoe off — let’s do it! [ Younger brother removes his shoe and puts his foot on the table ] There you go. What is this? [ removes his sock ] Come on, I’m your brother — this isn’t weird! Alright, first off: you gotta start by sanitizing right there, that’s what you gotta do. [ sprays his brother’s foot ]
Younger Brother: Wait — is that Pledge?
Older Brother: Yeah, yeah! Yeah! I mean, it’s a generic brand, but, essentially, yes. Yeah, that’s all that is. [ puts the Pledge down and picks up a t-shirt ] Alright. Now, you just use a t-shirt to dry that off there.
Younger Brother: Why do you keep a crusty t-shirt by the couch?
Older Brother: Don’t worry about it! Don’t worry about it! Alright… alright, next, you want to stimulate the foot. [ picks up a troll-doll pencil ] Ideally, this would be a feather. Okay? You just wanna… [ he tickles the troll-doll along his brother’s foot ]
Younger Brother: [ pulling away ] It tickles, man!
Older Brother: Yeah! I KNOW it tickles! It’s a TROLL DOLL — that’s what they DO! [ drops the troll-doll, picks up baby oil ] Alright, now what you want to do is cut down the friction. Baby oil does the trick. [ he squirts the oil onto his brother’s foot ]
Younger Brother: Why do you keep baby oil next to that crunchy t-shirt?
Older Brother: Don’t worry about it! Don’t worry about it! [ he rubs his brother’s foot with the t-shirt ] Alright, here we go. What you want to do is, you want to cradle the foot like it’s a trophy you just won. [ he cradles his brother’s foot ] You see that? Then you want to work the sides. [ he runs his fingers up his brother’s foot ] Work the rims, just like that. Alright? Work the rims. Do that. Right? right? [ grabs individual toes ] Look at this little piggie… this piggie. Now, you want to do this to “Bat-Man”, the TV show. Ready? [ runs his fingers up his brother’s foot while humming the “Bat-Man” theme ]
Younger Brother: [ pulling away ] Okay, man, I don’t want to DO this any more!
Older Brother: Okay, look — fine! Okay — fine! You don’t want to do this, I understand. You can just spend the rest of your life Yankovic-ing your Weird Al!
Younger Brother: What does that even mean?
Older Brother: Oh, you know EXACTLY what it means! Come on!
Younger Brother: It’s just, my leg’s starting to cramp, man.
Older Brother: Okay! Alright! We’ll just put it a little bit higher, that’s all. [ he picks up a stack of catalogs ] Put it on these catalogues. There you go.
Younger Brother: Why do you have all of those Lane Bryant catalogs.
Older Brother: Don’t worry about it! Don’t worry about it! Okay. Alright. You know what? I know why this feels weird: we haven’t set the mood.
Younger Brother: Yeah, yeah… that’s why this is weird.
Older Brother: Ye-eah! Okay, you know what sets the mood? Some tunes. [ he picks up a remote to turn Heatwave’s “Always and Forever” onto his stereo ] There you go! I’ll just dim the lights… [ he tosses a tennis ball at an offscreen light switch ] There’s that! [ he grabs a match ] Alright… now I’m just gonna light a match really quick.
Younger Brother: [ worried ] Why? Why are you lighting a match?
Older Brother: Because I just farted — don’t worry about it. [ grabs his brother’s foot again ] There you go. Now, right off the bat, what you want to do is make little circles. Just use your thumbs. There you go… there you go. Alright? Just make little circles like “Karate Kid”, right? “Whack on… whack off…” There you go!
Younger Brother: Isn’t it “Wax on… wax off?”
Older Brother: I don’t know — I’ve never seen it. Okay. Alright. Shh. Just pay attention so you can replicate, okay?
[ Older Brother starts singing along to the lyrics, then slowly but systematically raises his younger brother’s foot to his mouth ]
Younger Brother: Stop! What the heck?! Hey! What are you doing, man?! Let go of my foot!! Oh, my God!! Let go of me, man!! HELP!! [ he manages to lean back and thrust his other leg up so as to push his oldr brother off of him ]
Older Brother: Okay!! Okay!! FINE!! [ he turns the lights back on ] Sorry, man! [ he turns the stereo off ] sorry, man — I got in the moment. That was my bad. My bad. Alright? [ he sits ] You want some advice? I’ll give you some really good advice: Just be yourself.
Younger Brother: [ exhausted ] Okay.
Older Brother: Alright.
Younger Brother: Thanks, man…
Older Brother: Okay. Where you going?
Younger Brother: I’m going to WASH my FOOT!!
Older Brother: Makes sense. Makes sense.
Younger Brother: What are you gonna do?
Older Brother: Uhhh — you know, I was thinking about playing some Guitar Hero? But, uh — you know, now that I’ve got the, uh, baby oil, t-shirt, and catalogues out… [ he smacks his knee ] I might og a different way.
[ as the younger brother slinks out of the loft, the older brother turns up the mood music and tosses the tennis ball at the light switch ]
Kelly…..Abby Elliott Tyler…..Andy Samberg Ms. Darbus…..Casey Wilson Troy Bolton…..Zac Efron Black Student…..Kenan Thompson Girl Student…..Kristen Wiig Boy Student…..Bobby Moynihan Walt Disney…..Darrell Hammond
Narrator: We now return to the conclusion of HSM 4, New Senior Class!
Kelly & Tyler: [ singing ] “Now we’ve done everything that we set out to do.”
Tyler: I couldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for you.
Kelly: You’re my best friend, from the start till the end
Both: And we made itttt *end song*
Tyler: East High forever!
Ms. Darbus: Thank you, Kelly and Tyler! There have been so many suprises today, but I am happy to say that there is one more. Please welcome to the stage East High’s favorite song. He graduated last year and now he’s back from his first year of college: Troy Bolton!
Kelly: Oh my god, Troy’s back!
All: [ singing ] Troy’s back! Troy is back, East High is suffering from a Troy attack!
Troy Bolton: Please stop. Stop the music. Uhh thank you. Hello. My name is Troy Bolton. One year ago, I stood in this very spot and said that East High was a place where Ms. Darbuss encouraged us to break the status quo. I told my class that we were all in this together, then music started, and I jumped off the stage to participate in a lengthy choreographed musical number with my classmates.
Black Student: That sounds awesome!
Troy Bolton: But, I’m not here to talk about last year, I’m here to talk about what happens after you leave East High.
Ms. Darbus: Do you think this is a good idea, Troy?
Troy Bolton: Back off!
Ms. Darbus: Ok.
Troy Bolton: Here’s the deal: noone sings at college!
All: What? Huh?
Troy Bolton: And from what I can tell, this is America’s only singing high school.
All: Wait, what? No no
Troy Bolton: I was as shocked as you are. Let me tell you how my first day went: I was nervous, but excited. So I started singing a song called “Nervous But Excited”. People just stared at me! There was zero choreography! ZERO!
Kelly: Then what happened?
Troy Bolton: Who are you talking to?
Kelly: You.
Troy Bolton: Word of advice: look at who you’re talking to. Once you leave this school, no one projects or cheats out. Another word of advice: if you’re sad at night, and you sing in your bed, people can hear you. Everyone can hear you!
Girl Student: So you’re just a regular student?
Troy Bolton: Ha, I wish. But guess what? I can’t be a regular student because I got a terrible education.
Boy Student: That’s not true!
Troy Bolton: No? What have you learned here?
Boy Student: I learned that I don’t have to play into stereo types that people have for me. I can be a jock and a dancer, and I can be proud of it!
All: Yeah! You tell him!
Troy Bolton: What’s the capital of Texas?
Boy Student: Uhh Texas City? Uhh
Girl Student: Texas Town.
Troy Bolton: I thought so. You’re not gonna believe how little you know.
Black Student: But at least you can fall back on basketball, right Troy?
Troy Bolton: No. I may have been good here but it’s become clear that East High plays in some sort of musical theatre league with a very low standard of competition.
Kelly: But if I know Troy Bolton you’re gonna turn it around, right?
Troy Bolton: Nope. I’m a year out of high school and my life’s over. I have no education. People think I’m weird. I don’t know how to express myself except in song. I have nowhere to turn.
Walt Disney: You could come back here.
Troy Bolton: Who are you?
Walt Disney: Walt Disney.
Troy Bolton: But I thought you were frozen.
Walt Disney: I recently thawed out.
Kelly: But how?
Walt Disney: Science says global warming, but I can’t help thinking it has something to do with Jews…
Troy Bolton: Can I really come back to East High?
Walt Disney: Troy, you should never have gone to college. Disney characters aren’t supposed to grow up. Just ask Mickey Mouse or Lindsay Lohan. That’s why I think you should return to High School Musical where you belong.
Troy Bolton: You mean it?
Walt Disney: I do.
Troy Bolton: *song* They say you can’t go home again, but here I am with all my friends.
Kelly: And we’re glad to have you back
Tyler: Yeah, we’re glad to have you back
All: This is a high school musical, and every day is magical. With you and me, and me and you…
A Message from the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers
David Pappas…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: [ over title card ] “A message from the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers. The “Junk Mail” People.”
[ dissolve to footage of forest land ]
David Pappas: [ enters frame ] When you look at this, what do you see? A forest? Well, at the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers, we see something FAR more wonderful: we see 250 million pre-approved credit card offers… [ he holds up a credit card offer ] 100 million Radio Shack circulars… [ he holds up the circulars ] or 6,000 tons of Sharper Image catalogs. [ he holds up the catalogs ] And, if you ask us, that beats a forest any day!
Announcer: [ over title card ] “But isn’t junk mail a waste of money?”
[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]
David Pappas: First of all, we don’t like the term “junk mail.” We prefer to call it “free mail”… or “fun, surprise mail”! Now, as to… [ makes quotes sign ] “junk mail” being wasteful — that is a complete myth. What people don’t realize is that junk mail is massively subsidized by the federal government!
[ show chart: “U.S. House of Representatives Subcommittee on the Post Office” ]
Because of our campaign contributions to key members of Congress, I’m proud to say that we can send out 500,000 Dell catalogs for the cost of a single First-Class stamp! The true cost… is paid by taxpayers. So, wasteful? [ chuckles lightly ] Not from our perspective!
And as for the trees involved? Please understand: we didn’t have to pay to grow them! They were growing anyway! Many for hundreds of years!
Announcer: [ over title card ] “How does my name get on a mailing list?”
[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]
David Pappas: For consumers, THAT’S the best part! Yuo don’t have to do a THING! Whenever you open a bank account, register to vote, rent an apartment, used car, buy a car, have your phone conversations monitored by the Department of Homeland Security — whatever! We get ALL your personal information, AUTOMATICALLY!
From there, we do all the work. Let’s say we’re looking at your private personal data, and we see that you’re a young woman who’se been treated for a sexually transmitted disease. Like, for example: Allison Schweitzer, of 1512 Marvin Ave. in Eau claire, Wisconsin. [ show her photo ] We might decide, hey… here’s someone who would enjoy receiving the Victoria’s Secret catalog. [ he holds up the catalog ] Or… a free issue of Pierced Lifestyle Magazine. [ he holds up the magazine ] Allison doesn’t have to lift a finger. She can just sit back and watch the mail roll in! An amount she can only dream of!
[ footage of a monuntain of mail tumbling onto her den ]
Announcer: [ over title card ] “With your organization having access to all this data on private individuals, isn’t there a danger of identity theft?”
[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]
David Pappas: Look. Let’s be frank. We sell your personal imfornation to SO many different outsider groups, we can’t be expected to couch for ALL of them. But, in our experience, better than 80% — 4 out of 5 — are ABSOLUTELY honest. And when we send out that data — such as credit card numbers, Social Security numbers, psychiatric records, mother’s maiden name, ATM pin number, etc. — we’re careful to add a note: “Warning: Not To Be Used For Identity Theft.”
Announcer: [ over title card ] “Thak you for your frank answers to all my questions. I appreciate your taking the time, and keep up the good work!”
[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]
David Pappas: Not at all. That’s what we’re here for.
Announcer: [ over title card ] “The Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers. The more you know about us, the more you like us.”
…..Zac Efron Fan #1…..Kristen Wiig Fan #2…..Abby Elliott Male Fan…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: Ladies’ and gentlemen — Zac Efron!
Zac Efron: Thank you….thank you guys… Man! It’s great to be here…for those of you who don’t know me, my name is Zac Efron… For those of you who do know me…thanks for staying up so late! Tonight is very important to me because I get to reach out to an whole new audience. But first…if you don’t mind, I’d like to say something to the fans who brought me here:
Hey tweens! Zac Efron here. I’d just wanted to take a moment in the show to say hi to you guys..and bye guys…I mean girls…because let’s face it tweens, I owe you big time…
If it weren’t for you, I’d just be some random college student, instead of a college-aged man pretending to be a high school student…plus…I wanna thank you for the finalcial support. True! Your parents gave me that money, but you gave me something even more valuable….your attention!
And if someone can keep a tweens attention for more than five minutes, parents will pay that person all of their ?? (the laugh hides Zac’s voice). So thank you!
Fan #1: No! Thank you Zac Efron!
Zac Efron: Why you guys are really excited uh?
Fans: Hi!
Male Fan: Hi!
Zac Efron: Hello sir! Are you their father?
Male Fan: No!
Zac Efron: Ok…well…
Fan #1: Ccc..can we take a picture?
Zac Efron: Yeah! Sure guys…come on up here.. This is nice. I guess..not all of my fans are tweens
Male Fan: Yeah..I’m a tweefty
Zac Efron: What’s a tweefty?
Male Fan: Tween forty and fifty…ok ready..one…two…three
Fan #2: Zac..zac…do you are there late for the after-party?
Zac Efron: Oh yes, yes I do
Fan #1: Is there your girlfriend?
Zac Efron: Let’s just say it’s a girl
Male Fan: Yuk!
Zac Efron: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. The Yeah yeah yeah’s here…stick around everybody, we will be right back!
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
[ open on exterior, White House, night ]
Joe Biden V/O: Yeah… alright…
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Vice-President Joe Biden seated at the President’s desk ]
Joe Biden: [ into phone intercom ] Give me Jack Baurer! [ he laughs at his own antics ] Give me Jack Baurer! That would be something, huh? Ha ha ha!
[ suddenly, President Barack Obama enters the Oval Office ]
Joe Biden: [ jumps ] HEY!!! Hey, there he is! Oh, you caught me at your desk again! I’m sorry about that! [ he stands ]
President Barack Obama: Hello, Joe. How are you?
Joe Biden: I’m good! I’m good! There you go! [ he steps around the desk ] Gotta be honest with you, you know? I kinda got used to sitting at the Big Boy chair while you were in Europe! [ he chuckles ] Well, hey! Welcome back, Mr. President! [ he holds out his arms, as Obama relunctantly goes in for the hug ] Bring ‘er in! There you go! Alright! Yeeeeeaaaahhh!! So, what’d you bring me?
President Barack Obama: Uh — well, uh, we didn’t have much time for, uh, shopping, Joe.
Joe Biden: WHAAT?!! Ohhhh, no! Not even a… duty-free Toblerone [ he laughs ] No, I’m kidding, sir — believe me! I know how international diplomacy works. I remember April ’93, Sarajevo — I look Slobodan Miloevic right in the eye, and I said: “Sir! I think you’re a damn war criminal!” [ he chuckles ] Yeah! Yeah, there was no time for shopping then, either!
President Barack Obama: You can relax, Joe — you got the job!
Joe Biden: No, no, no, I know, I know, okay…
President Barack Obama: And, uh — there’s some things I need to get done.
Joe Biden: Okay, well, you know, I’ll get out of your hair, but, uh, I just want to say: It’s GREAT to have you back! But, just so you know, while you were gone, uh, I had things udner control!
President Barack Obama: I knew the country was in good hands, Joe.
Joe Biden: Yep! Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep! [ he sits on the edge of the desk ] Kept it on LOCK DOWN! [ he chuckles ]
President Barack Obama: Yeah. I never doubted you for a moment, Joe. [ he sits ]
Joe Biden: Yeah, you know — you know what happened is, uh — I moved myself into the office here, I just kind of made myself at home. I don’t want to toot my own horn, sir, but, uh… the market stayed pretty steady on my watch. You know? [ raises his hand high ] Smooooth sai– [ lowers his hand midway ] Well, I guess it’s more like smooooth sailing!
President Barack Obama: Okay. Well, uh — you know, I, uh —
Joe Biden: Yeah. Hey! You know, I, uh — I heard about your little secret trip to Baghdad! [ he chuckles, as Obama gives him a hard look ] Yeah! Yeah, yeah! I heard about that after the fact — on the news, like everyone else. But, uh — you know, rest assured, if I HAD known beforehand, you know? Right here. [ he zips his lip ] Yep! Old Joe knows how to keep his mouth SHUT! You can count on it!
President Barack Obama: Okay.
Joe Biden: Okay! Alright! Okay, so, uhhh… we’ll talk later this week. Check in?
President Barack Obama: [ generously ] You know, you’re a valuable part of this administration.
Joe Biden: [ solemn ] Right back atcha! Right back atcha. Alright. [ he turns and exits ]
President Barack Obama: [ into intercom ] Uhhh… Katie? I need Secretary Gates.
Joe Biden: [ returns ] Hey! Hey, I don’t know if you’ve heard about this, but… I’ve been dustin’ it up with Dirty Dick Cheney! [ he laughs ] Yeah!
President Barack Obama: I, uhhh — I heard about that.
Joe Biden: Yeah, yeah, yeah! He was talkin’ all kinds of mess about your national security policy! And I said, “Dick! I think you’re DEAD WRONG!!” I’ve always got your back, sir!
President Barack Obama: I-I-I thank you for it.
Joe Biden: Yeah. Oh, boy! Boy, what I wouldn’t do to go mano-a-mano with that S.O.B., rinnin’ you down like that! Oh, come on! Of course, he’d probably shoot me in the face, right? [ he chuckles heartily ]
President Barack Obama: Right… right…
Joe Biden: Oh, you remember when Dick Cheney shot that guy in the face! [ he laughs ]
President Barack Obama: Yeah. I… I do. Yeah.
Joe Biden: [ after a beat ] Hey! I went to Opening Day!
President Barack Obama: Uh-huh… uh-huh…
Joe Biden: Yeah! I threw out the first pitch!
President Barack Obama: Uh-huh…
Joe Biden: STEEEEE-RIIIKE!!!
President Barack Obama: That’s really… really great.
Joe Biden: Yeah. Yeah. What else? What else? Oh, wait! Karl Rove called me a LIAR!
President Barack Obama: [ ignoring him to do some paperwork ] I heard about that…
Joe Biden: Yeah, I was telling that story — you know, the one about me with President Bush, when he said to me, “Joe, I’m a leader!” You know? And I said, “Mr. President! Turn around and look — no one’s following you!” [ he chuckles heartily ] ZING! Right? Ah, there’s one for Joe! Ah, Rove says I never said that!
President Barack Obama: Well… did you really say that, Joe?
Joe Biden: Ah, who really knows? I lose track of that sort of stuff. [ a beat ] Well, I’d better let you get back to work! So, listen to me jibber-jabber over here! You take it easy, alright? [ he nudges Obama ] I’m a phone call away. Don’t be a stranger! [ he starts to walk away, then stops again ] Oh, hey! Actually, I should probably take these… [ he collects his family pictures ] You probably don’t need pictures of my family, right? Yeah! Yeah! You gotta know who you’re doin’ it for, right? You don’t want any of these, do you?
President Barack Obama: No.
Joe Biden: Okay, sure! Right! [ he grabs a picture of himself ] Look at that — I autographed that one! Yep! Alrighty, here we go! Okie-doke, kiddo, I’ll talk to you later, alright?
President Barack Obama: Okay.
Joe Biden: See you later!
[ Biden scurries out of the office, as Obama waits a moment ]
President Barack Obama: [ into intercom ] Uhhhh — he’s gone, right?
Voice: Yes, sir.
President Barack Obama: Okay, lock the door.
Joe Biden: [ rushing back in ] Oh, hey! One last thing! [ into the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Air Date:
