SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday: 10/23/08



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 3



Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 23rd, 2008

None

None

None

Will Ferrell

Tina Fey

None


A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: Despite Sen. John McCain’s (Darrell Hammond) efforts to avoid it, President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) grants an official endorsement to him and Gov. Sarah Palin (Tina Fey).

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Gov. Sarah Palin, Todd Palin, Sen. John McCain.

Transcript

Montage

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Fred Armisen demonstrates the cool technological prowess of the Weekend Update Megapixel Giant Touch Map. Finiancial expert Oscar Rogers (Kenan Thompson) still thinks the solution to the economic crisis is to “Fix it!” Andy Samberg “Jams the Vote” and vomits in his attempts to sway unregistered voters.

Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/04/09: The Fast and the Bi-Curious



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19





08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

The Fast and the Bi-Curious

Blake….Andy Samberg
Young Mechanic….Seth Rogen
Hot chick….Abby Elliott

(Opens with street racing cars screeching and roaring on the streets)

Announcer: Coming this summer from the makers of “The Fast and The Furious” comes a new film with more action, more excitement and way more testosterone!

(Two guys face each other intensely in a garage)

Blake: I´m gonna smoke your ass, just like I did on the Tokyo circuit.

Young Mechanic: I would´ve won that race if it wasn´t for that exploding piston.

(a hot chick sitting on top of a car puts on make-up)

Hot Chick: Don´t listen, Blake. He´s just trying to psych you out.

Blake: (getting closer) It exploded cause you pushed it too far and it got too hot.

Young Mechanic: That…won´t happen again.

(Blake gets closer to the young mechanic´s mouth, the mechanic closes his eyes, passion sets in)

Blake: (whispers) We´ll see about that.

Hot Chick: Guys? Guys, what´s happening?

Announcer: That´s right. Its The Fast and the Bi-Curious.

(Cars tumble down bridges, crashes)

Announcer: Its just like the Vin Diesel version except slightly gayer.

(The young mechanic works on a car. Blake comes up behind him.)

Blake: So, I guess I´ll see ya´tomorrow at the race, loser!

Young Mechanic: (with love in his eyes) You´re leaving?

Blake: Uh, yeah, well, its late…

Young Mechanic: You could stay here.

Blake: You want me to?

(Young mechanic is torn by man-love)

Announcer: Oh, ye-e-eah! If you like fast cars (Blake looks at the metal slide that measures oil) hot nights (mechanic makes gas funnel looks like his penis) and gay stuff (Blake licks the oil metal slide)then buddy, this is the movie for you! (two guys make out underneath a car, legs intertwined)

(Cut to Blake and the young mechanic)

Young Mechanic: You got some grease on your cheek.

(Licks his thumb and washes away with it the grease stain on Blake´s cheek. Hot chick is disgusted)

Blake: My, you´re cheeky.

Announcer: The Fast and the Bi-Curious. It doesn´t mean you´re gay. Just, maybe don´t get married.

(Blake and the young mechanic are almost kissing, eyes closed)

Blake: (whisper) Tell me to…

Young Mechanic: (whisper) You go first…

(screen goes black)

(cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/09/09



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:















Bit Players:

May 9th, 2009

Justin Timberlake

Ciara

None

Lorne Michaels

Patricia Clarkson

Susan Sarandon

Jessica Biel

Chris Pine

Zachary Quinto

Leonard Nimoy

Jimmy Fallon

None

A Special Address from the Secretary of the TreasurySummary: Timothy Geithner (Will Forte) outlines the results of a 50-question bank stress test.

Recurring Characters: Timothy Geithner.

Transcript

Montage

Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: Justin Timberlake performs a song-and-dance routine amongst cast members and show personnel backstage.

First Hosted: 03b.

Transcript

Mom Celebrity TranslatorSummary: A handheld electronic device that allows young’uns to decipher what well-known celebrity their unhip mothers are trying to describe to them.

Transcript

Target GreatlandSummary: The Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) annoys customers while chatting with her equally-annoying friend Peg (Justin Timberlake).

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.

Transcript

ImmigrantsSummary: A group of Irish immigrants entering America dream of the opportunities their great-great grandchildren will have, except for Cornelius Timberlake (Justin Timberlake) who fancies that his great-great grandson will one day be a popular, self-satisfying, arrogant little prick.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortRecurring Characters: “Dick in a Box” bad boys (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) give up their boxes so they can become “Mother (Patricia Clarkson, Susan Sarandon) Lovers”.

Transcript

PlasticvilleSummary: A guy dressed as a barbell (Will Forte) faces competition from Plasticville’s boob mascot (Justin Timberlake).

Recurring Characters: Mascot.

Transcript

Ciara with Justin Timberlake performs “Love Sex Magic”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Elliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) and David Paterson (Fred Armisen). Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto promote the new “Star Trek” movie, with a nod from Leonard Nimoy.

Recurring Characters: Elliot Spitzer, David Paterson.

Transcript

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) remains mum while Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) issues insane threats to his political guests, just like last time.

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Nancy Pelosi.

Transcript

PiratesSummary:

Ciara performs “Never Ever”

Goodnights

]]>

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/04/09: Save the Funnies



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19













08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Save the Funnies

Dick Tracy…..Jason Sudeikis
Hagar the Horrible…..Seth Rogen
Helga…..Casey Wilson
Archie…..Bill Hader
Veronica…..Abby Elliott
Jon…..Will Forte
Garfield…..Bobby Moynihan
Columnist…..Kenan Thompson
Jumble Maker…..Darrell Hammond
Cathy…..Andy Samberg
Far Side Woman…..Paula Pell
Political Cartoon…..
Peppermint Patty…..Kristen Wiig
Marcy…..Michaela Watkins
Sudoku…..Fred Armisen

[ various headlines appear on screen:

CHICAGO SUN-TIMES FILES CHAPTER 11

NEWSPAPER INDUSTRY IN CRISIS

SEATTLE DAILY PAPER FOLDS ] [ dissolve to exterior, Marriott New York Marquis ] [ dissolve to ballroom area, where Dick Tracy leads a meeting of comics page characters ]

Dick Tracy: Alright. Okay. If I could have your attention, please? I’m Dick Tracy, and I’ve called this meeting because newspapers are in trouble! That’s why we’re all here. Now, I’m gonna open up the floor to suggestions, but first I want to thank Hagar the Horrible and his wife Helga for catering this event.

Hagar the Horrible: Helga’s on a SEAFOOD diet — she SEES food, and she EATS it!

Helga: I’ll tell you where Hagar’s really horrible — IN BED!!

Dick Tracy: [ reeling ] Wow. I can already tell the open bar was a mistake. Okay. Alright, now who’s got solutions? Archie and Veronica.

Archie: I know how we can raise money to save newspapers! We’ll get a PAPER ROUTE!

Veronica: Yeah!

Dick Tracy: Archie? Archie, you’re an idiot. A DUMB idiot!

Jon: Sorry to interrupt, uh — we’d just like to thank everybody here for agreeing to move this to a Tuesday.

Garfield: [ eating lasagna ] Yeah. I HATE Mondays!

Dick Tracy: [ he chuckles ] Ah, that’s no problem. Thanks for coming, Heathcliff.

[ Garfield throws down his fork ]

Garfield: Excuse me?! [ he stands ]

Dick Tracy: I-I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Garfield! It’s an honest mistake!

Garfield: You think every orange cat is the same?! That’s RACIST!

Dick Tracy: Well, no! Hey — no, no, no! That’s ridiculous! No! No! Dick Tracy is NOT a racist, okay? Who else? [ looks around, points ] Let’s see. Guy from Boondocks!

[ cut to befuddled Black Man in the back of the room ]

Coulmnist: I’m not from the Boondocks!

Dick Tracy: [ shakes his head ] No? Jump Start?

Coulmnist: [ peeved ] I write the BRIDGE column!

[ the room sounds their recognition ]

Dick Tracy: Okay, okay! Alright, okay, come on, people, let’s go! We’re up against iPods and TV and the Internet… I mean, somebody has to have some cutting-edge solutions, alright? [ points ] Okay, you! You! Who are you?

Jumble Maker: I make the Jumbles.

Dick Tracy: Oof! Uhhh… okay. I don’t think you can help us.

Jumble Maker: KCUF you!

Dick Tracy: What?

Jumble Maker: Jumble it.

Dick Tracy: [ thinking ] Hey! Hey! Easy!

[ Cathy enters ]

Cathy: Hey, sorry I’m late! I had a HOT DATE — with my TV GUIDE! Sweat drops! Whirly lines! Aaacckk!!

Dick Tracy: [ laughing ] Oh, man! Whoo! Cathy… Cathy… we’re trying to think of ways to save our strips.

Cathy: Hey, don’t look at me — I don’t have a strip! Mine’s so overgrown, it looks like the AMAZON RAINFOREST!!

[ the room is effectively grossed out ]

Dick Tracy: Ack! Eughh! [ Cathy steps down ] Okay, guys, look — we’ve been here for, like, fifty panels! We need an idea that makes sense, alright? [ points ] Uh — Far Side!

[ cut to Far Side Woman at the back of the room; she just stands there in a beehive hairdo holding a butterfly net ]

Dick Tracy: Never mind. Okay, uh — Political Cartoon!

[ cut to Political Cartoon, a guy dressed as a convict with “AIG” on his chest and holding a bag marked “BONUSES”; he swirls his fingers. ]

Dick Tracy: Very subtle. Very good. Uh, what about the crew from Peanuts? Peppermint Patty? Marcy?

[ cut to Peppermint Patty and Marcy kissing heavily ]

Dick Tracy: Hey, now!

Peppermint Patty: What?!

Dick Tracy: Look, now, I-I-I-I-I always assumed… but… you know..?

Peppermint Patty: Good grief, Chuck! It’s 2009!

Marcy: You tell them, Sir!

Dick Tracy: Okay. Okay. Look, alright, fine.

[ Peppermint Patty and Marcy resume their game of tonsil hockey ]

Dick Tracy: Fine, fine, fine! Okay, I give up! Alright? There’s nothing we can do!

[ suddenly, smoke fills the room, as a wizard holding a Sudoku board enters ]

Dick Tracy: Who are you?!

Sudoku: I am the one who can save you! I am the one you call… SUDOKU!!

[ the room oohs and ahhs ]

Sudoku: People will buy your funny pages to solve my ancient puzzle!

Dick Tracy: [ thinking ] Wait… I mean, it’s just moving numbers around, right?

Sudoku: [ he laughs uproariously ] SU-DO-KU!!

Dick Tracy: Alright, we’re back in business, gang! Yeah!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/09/09: A Special Address from the Secretary of the Treasury



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21




08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

A Special Address from the Secretary of the Treasury

Timothy Geithner…..Will Forte

[ open on Department of Treasury Seal ]

Announcer: The following is a special address from the Secretary of the Treasury.

[ dissolve to Timothy Geithner, seated behind desk ]

Timothy Geithner: Good evening. I’m Timothy Geithner, the Secretary of the Treasury. Earlier this week, I reported to you the results of the so-called “stress tests” my department ran on the nation’s nineteen largest banks. This was an effort to determine each bank’s fiscal soundness, following last September’s $700 billion federal bailout. Tonight, I would like to reveal to you, the American people, the results of Part 2 of the Stress Test, the written exam, taken by all nineteen bank CEOS last Saturday.

[ reveal Stress Test cover page graphic ]

Initially, my department had planned to give each bank a numerical grade of 1 to 100 — 100 being a perfect score. But then we decided that might unfairly stigmatize banks who scored low on the test because they followed reckless lending practices or were otherwise not good at banking. So we changed to a simple “PASS/FAIL” system. However, on reflection, a few of us felt that THAT system was too rigid, so we changed it once again to “PASS/PASS*”. This seemed less judgmental and more inclusive. Eventually, at the banks’ suggestion, we dropped the asterisk and went with a “PASS/PASS” system. Tonight, I am proud to say that, after the written tests were examined, every one of the nineteen banks scored a “PASS”! Congratulations, banks!

But that’s no reason to just rest on our laurels. There’s always room for improvement. NONE of the bank answered all fifty questions correctly, and most got less than half right. One bank in particular — CitiGroup — seemed to think the whole thing was just a big joke.

[ reveal test sheet with repeated answers of “Geithner Sucks!” written on it ]

Shame on you, CitiGroup! And this is a serious matter. I was DEEPLY disappointed with CitiGroup’s attitude towards this entire project. And, frankly, if CitiGroup weren’t too big to fail, I would have failed them. That’s how DISGUSTED I was. But apart from CitiGroup — who are a bunch of smart ass punks — the other banks at least took the test seriously. And since we can all learn from our mistakes, I thought we’d take a moment to look at the most commonly missed questions:

[ reveal test sheets throughout ]

#11: “For every ten million in commercial loans outstanding, a bank should have…”

The answer were were looking for was “10% Cash On Hand.” J.P. Morgan Chase wrote: “Knicks Tickets.” Wells Fargo wrote: “Gulfstream Jet.” And CitiGroup, of course, wrote: “Geithner Sucks!” Grow up, CitiBank.

Question 23 also stumped several banks: “If Federal Bank Examiners determine your bank to be under-capitalized, the Bank’s Board of Directors should…”

Goldman Saks wrote: “Flee the Country.” State Street of Boston said: “Shred Documents.” And Capitol One said: “Eliminate Eyewitnesses.” Actually, none of these is correct. The correct answer is: “Issue Common Stock.”

Now, Question 30, which most banks got wrong, really has no one correct answer since it would vary with each bank. We asked: “In the event of a nationwide run on the banks, how much in total cash assets does your bank have on hand to pay depositors?…”

Bank of America wrote: “Not enough, that’s for sure!!!” CitiGroup said: “Geithner Sucks!” And GMAC answered: “TaxPayer Bailout.” As you’ll notice, that last answer doesn’t make sense, and that’s because GMAC apparently answered “TaxPayer Bailout” to every one of the fifty questions. Although, that did turn out to be the right answer to thirty of them.

Question 41 tripped up a few banks: “Given their historic underrepresentation in banking, women should be encouraged to enter the field, as long as they are…”

Obviously, we were looking for “Qualified.” Morgan Stanley wrote: “Doable.” Bank of New York Mellon said: “Immediate Family Members.” And CitiGroup wrote: “Hey Geithner, WE’VE got a job for your MOTHER!!” Now, I don’t know if they’re serious about that job or not, but I think my mother would be really pumped.

Finally, what was the most difficult question? Apparently, this one from the Multiple Choice section:

“Banking executives should be given special financial bonuses for…”
A) Good performance
B) Mediocre performance
C) Poor performance”

The correct answer is A. “Good Performance.” Surprisingly, A:: nineteen banks got this wrong. [ he shrugs ] Who knew?

Well, thank you for your kind attention. Together, we’ll get through this. And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tracy Morgan: 03/14/09



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>






Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

March 14th, 2009

Tracy Morgan

Kelly Clarkson

None

John Cena

Tina Fey

Lorne Michaels

Emily Spivey

John Lutz

Tracy ReturnsSummary: Tracy Morgan returns to host “Saturday Night Live” and is ready to coldcock anyone who gets in his way.

Transcript

Montage

Tracy Morgan’s MonologueSummary: Tracy Morgan accuses the media of making his exploits sound more ghetto than they are in reality.

Note: Tracy Morgan was a cast member from 1996-2003.

Transcript

Chewable PampersSummary: The organic-enriched diaper that is eco-friendly and delicious.

Note: Repeat from 08n.

Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) welcomes a cow and a red-tailed hawk.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

The ViewSummary: On-remote from Disneyland, Sherri Shephard (Tracy Morgan) has never heard of any of the things the other panelists are discussing.

Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg, Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, Elizabeth Hasselback.

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Kendrick McEntire (Tracy Morgan) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

Transcript

DatelineSummary: Keith Morrison (Bill Hader) further revels in the misery of his interview subjects.

Recurring Characters: Keith Morrison.

Transcript

Astronaut JonesSummary: Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan) encounter a transvestite alien (Andy Samberg) in outer space.

Recurring Characters: Astronaut Jones.

Transcript

Kelly Clarkson performs “My Life Would Suck Without You”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: John Malkovich (Bill Hader) tries to contain his anger after getting swindled by Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. Tracy Morgan briefly asks “Really?!?” Barbie (Kristen Wiig) celebrates her fiftieth birthday by trying to down a drink without the benefit of elbows.

Recurring Characters: Barbie.

Transcript

Big LoveSummary: Bill (Jason Sudeikis) introduces his Mormon wives (Kristen Wiig, Abby Elliott, Casey Wilson) to fourth wife Fantasia Divine (Tracy Morgan).

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Party Guys” Bill Hader and Andy Samberg point out the odd sorts they spot at a lame party.

Transcript

SuppressexSummary: Dr. Ricky Lamayne (Tracy Morgan) advertises a pill that suppresses untimely erections.

Transcript

High IQSummary: Braniac contestants (Jason Sudeikis, Darrell Hammond, Michaela Watkins) are distracted from working out their final answer by crazy sideshow theatrics of the host’s (Tracy Morgan) acquaintances.

Kelly Clarkson performs “I Do Not Hook Up”

Family FlixSummary: While discussing his new film, “Rocket Dog”, Percy T. Douglas (Tracy Morgan) reveals the ending and a carnage count of dogs and actors who appeared in the film.

Transcript

Gas RightSummary: Bruce Johnson (Fred Armisen), the inventor of Breathe-Right, has stayed up late to create a sequel product that controls the flow of farts between one’s butt cheeks.

Note: Repeat from 08j.

GoodnightsTranscript

]]>

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/04/09: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19




08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Goodnights

…..Seth Rogen
…..Phoenix

Seth Rogen: I want to thank Phoenix for coming. I want to thank Lorne, and the cast… and, uh, my family and friends — thanks for coming, thank you! And, uh, once again, guys… give it up for Phoenix!

[ the camera pans over to Phoenix on the musical guest stage, as the credits begin to roll ]

Phoenix: [ singing ]“Baby, when I saw you turning at the end of the street
I knew a time was gone and it took me like ages
Just to understand that I was afraid to be a simple guy
I tried my best to smile, but deep inside my heart
I felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing
I guess I couldn’t live without the things that made my life what it is.

Can’t you hear it calling, oh yeah
Everybody’s dancin’, oh yeah
Tonight, everything is over
I feel too young.

I can’t lie on my bed without thinking I was wrong
But when that feeling calls, this world becomes another
Nighttime won’t hold me in your arms again
I got a very good friend who says he can’t believe the love I give…”

[ the credits cut off ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/09/09: The Barry Gibb Talk Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21




08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

The Barry Gibb Talk Show

Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon
Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Nouriel Roubini…..Fred Armisen
Roland S. Martin…..Kenan Thompson

[FADE IN: Barry and Robin Gibb dancing in white leisure suits, backs to the audience, in front of a talk show set as the opening notes of “Nights on Broadway” play.]

Announcer: It’s The Barry Gibb Talk Show!

[The logo appears briefly, and then the brothers turn around and sing, Barry strumming a white electric guitar.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Heeeeeere we are…”

Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “In a room full of straaaaaaangers…”

Announcer: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Discussin’ politics…”

Announcer: CNN commentator Roland S. Martin!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “And the issues of the daaaaaaaa-ayyyyy…”

Announcer: NYU economics professor…

Barry and Robin Gibb: “And I want to taaaaaaaalk to you…”

Announcer: Nouriel Roubini!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Though you may not waaaaaaant me to…”

Announcer: And as always:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “I’m still gonna taaaaaaaalk to you…”

Announcer: Barry’s brother Robin!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “I don’t care what you saaaaaaaaaaaaay…”

[Barry slips off his guitar, and the brothers start disco dancing.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout issues,
Talkin’ ’bout real important issues.
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-ow-own!
Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah…”

[The Gibbs boogie to their seats.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host: Barry Gibb!

[“Nights on Broadway” fades out as the audience cheers.]

Barry Gibb: [staccato voice] Goo’ e’ning, la’ies and gentlemen. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. It’s my show, and it’s a no-nonsense show. I will not take any crap from anybody. Let’s get down to business.This week, Fed chairman Benjamin Bernanke said that the (falsetto) U.S. ECONOMAH (normal voice) will pick up later this year. Robin, do you have any thoughts?

Robin Gibb: [disinterestedly] No, no I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Nancy Pelosi, do you agree with chairman Bernanke’s rosy assessment of our (falsetto) FINANCIAL FUT-AH?

Nancy Pelosi: I do, Barry, but it’s also important that we discover the causes of our current situation, and the first step is the formation of an impartial investigatory committee.

Barry Gibb: (as Robin bows his head in disappointment) A committee?! That’s your answer to the worst financial disaster since the Great Depression?! Are you out of your mother-loving, dope-smoking (falsetto) HIPPIE MI-I-IND?!

Nancy Pelosi: No, I-

Barry Gibb: (screaming) DON’T YOU DARE CONTRADICT ME ON MY SHOW! YOU HEAR ME BUG-EYES? (Barry leaps wildly out of his seat) I’M BARRY F-ING GIBB! (karate kicks the air to his right four times, then returns to his chair)

Barry and Robin Gibb: (singing and punctuating each word with a karate kick) HIII-YA! HIII-YA! (turn to each other) HI-YA!

Barry Gibb: Nouriel Roubini, you were one of the first people to predict this (falestto) CURRENT ECONOMIC CRISIS. (normal voice) I think that you’re a visionary genius.

Nouriel Roubini: Well, I don’t know about that.

Barry Gibb: Well, I do, and I think that you’re a genius.

Nouriel Roubini: Genius might be a little much.

Barry Gibb: Are you correcting me? On my own show?! You think I’m a child? Am I a baby with a pacifier in my mouth?

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) GOO-GOO! GA-GA! GOO-GOO! WAA-WAA!

Barry Gibb: I have an opinion that’s IMPORTANT! I don’t know what passes for manners up in that faculty club with your framed degrees and (falsetto) LEATHER ELBOW PATCHES!

Nouriel Roubini: No, no, I didn’t mean to say

Barry Gibb: (screaming) I GOT A DEGREE FROM THE STREETS OF MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA! SO HELP ME GOD I HAVE A BUCKKNIFE IN MY SHOE I WILL SPLIT YOU OPEN LIKE A SOFT-SHELL CRAB AND WEAR YOUR CARCASS LIKE A RAINCOAT!

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) WEAR YOUR CARCASS LIKE A RAINCOAT!

Barry Gibb: Robin, do you have anything to add?

Robin Gibb: No, no I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Robin, please, just say something.

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: Anything.

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: Pretend no one’s here, no one’s watching.

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: Robin, talk to your brother.

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: (gets on his knees in the chair to be closer to Robin) Talk to Barry. (starts singing)
Ple-e-e-ease talk to your brother
And say what you want to say.

(Timberlake bows his head in an attempt to hide his laughter as the audience cheers)

Barry Gibb: Let’s introduce the next guest’s name.

Robin Gibb: Fine.

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) Ro-o-oland S. Martin…CNN political consultant.

Roland S. Martin: Well, thank you, Barry and Robin. I want to say this is my favorite political forum on television, that is, of course, next to the program I am currently hosting, CNN’s “No Bias, No Bull.”

Barry Gibb: (exasperated) Did-did you just plug your show?

Robin Gibb: Don’t.

Barry Gibb: On MY show?

Robin Gibb: Don’t.

Barry Gibb: Robin, did he just plug his show?! On my-WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE, AN INFOMERCIAL? WHAT AM I, THE (falsetto) SHAMWOW GUY? (normal screaming voice) DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, PALLY?! (rises from chair) I SANG A DUET WITH BARBRA STREISAND! DO YOU KNOW THAT I AM AUSTRALIAN! MY MIDDLE NAME IS CROMPTON! I AM BARRY GIBB! I WILL RIP OUT YOUR INNARDS AND DOUBLE DUTCH JUMP ROPE WITH THEM! (starts singing and clapping rhythmically) DOUBLE DUTCH JUMP ROPE WITH YOUR INNARDS…

(audience begins clapping along)

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) DOUBLE DUTCH JUMP ROPE WITH YOUR INNARDS…

(The Gibbs continue singing that phrase as they get up from their seats and pretend to double dutch jump rope in front of the table on set, with Robin then Barry leaping through the imaginary jump ropes. Finally, after singing “Double Dutch…” five more times, the brothers close with…)

Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) DOUBLE DUTCH!
DOUBLE DUTCH!
DOUBLE DUTCH!
DOUBLE DUTCH!

(The brothers return to their seats to wild cheers and applause. Barry demonstrates a karate block while seated.)

Barry Gibb: That’s all the time we have. [sings] “We… have… been–”

Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing to the tune of “Nights on Broadway,” slightly before the beat]Talkin’ it up,

[Timberlake and Fallon realize their mistake and quickly get back in sync with the background music]

On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout chest hair

[audience member “woo!”s]

Talkin’ ’bout crazy cool medallions!
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-own!
Oh, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

[the brothers continue mugging for the camera to thunderous cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Mario Juan

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tracy Morgan: 03/14/09: Big Love



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18








08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Big Love

Bill…..Jason Sudeikis
Barb…..Kristen Wiig
Nicolette…..Abby Elliott
Margene…..Casey Wilson
Fantasia…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: Coming up next: the HBO original series… “Big Love”.

[ dissolve to opening theme credits, the foursome spinning as a group circle to the sound of “God Only Knows” by The Beach Boys ]

Barb: Where’s Bill? He said he’d be home by now.

Margene: Hey, guys… whose baby is this?

[ Bill enters the house ]

Bill: Girls! Girls! I have some big news for the family — please sit! [ the women sit ] Now, a man couldn’t ask for three finer Mormon wives than YOU! Barb… with your steady hand, and your menopause —

Barb: Thank you.

Bill: And Nicolette… with your beloved voice —

Nicolette: I ALREADY know I have a BEAUTIFUL voice, Bill!

Bill: And Margene — dear, sweet Margene. Oh, Sweetie? Sweetie, I think you blinked and you forgot to open your eyes again.

Margene: [ she opens her eyes ] Oh! It was DARK in there!

Bill: Now, the three of you mean the WORLD to me! We are a beautiful family… and we’re about to become even MORE beautiful.

Barb: Bill? You don’t mean..?

Bill: That’s right! A FOURTH wife! [ he turns to face the door ] Fantasia!

[ an obvious black man in drag enters the house ]

Bill: Girls? This is our NEW wife — Fantasia Divine!

Fantasia: What’s up!

Bill: Isn’t she a dream?

Barb: She?

Margene: Fantasia! Your name is so unique. What kind of name is it?

Fantasia: A FAKE one!

Nicolette: How did you two meet?

Bill: Oh, it was the most romantic place! [ to Fantasia ] What was it called, honey?

Fantasia: Hertz Rent-A-Car!

Bill: That’s right. Yeah. I was returning a van, and she was wandering around in the parking lot.

Fantasia: Bill has told me ALL about you guys! I can’t wait to join the Church of More-Man!

Nicolette: Bill? Can we have a talk with you? Alone?

Bill: Sure, sure.

[ Bill kisses Fantasia on the cheek, then huddles with his other three wives ]

Bill: What is it?

Barb: Bill, you know I love you.

Margene: We ALL love you!

Nicolette: Well, let him finish!

Margene: He’s not even talking!

Bill: Okay, ladies… ladies, look! Look, I know all of this is sudden, all of you must have questions. Let’s hear them!

Barb: Okay… here’s a question: Is that a man?

Bill: [ angered ] Jealousy doesn’t become you, Barb!

Margene: But, if that’s not a man… why is he shaving?

[ reveal Fantasia sitting in a chair running an electric razor across his face ]

Bill: Duh-oh!

[ cut to the end credits of the fivesome spinning as a group circle ]

Announcer: “Big Love”. Yep… it’s a dude.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/04/09: Seth Rogen’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19






08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Seth Rogen’s Monologue

…..Seth Rogen
Audience Member 1…..Kristen Wiig
Audience Member 2…..Jason Sudeikis
Audience Member 3…..Bill Hader
Audience Member 4…..Bobby Moynihan
Babe…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Seth Rogen!

Seth Rogen: Thank you! Thank you very much! It is GREAT to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m really excited — I have a new movie coming out called “Observe and Report”. It’s a really funny movie about a mall cop.

Uh, this is my second time hosting, and it’s really — it’s amazing how different things are since I was here last. Uh, for one thing… I lost about one million pounds. [ the audience laughs and cheers ] Another thing is, I feel way more prepared this time. I learned so much since the last time I hosted. Like, for instance: now I know that the head guy’s name is pronounced “Lorne”. Not “Lauren”, or “Laura”. Because those are girl’s names. “Lorne”, on the other hand, is a man’s name. A very normal man’s name.

What else? Oh! Uh, here’s something different. Um — the first time you host, the writers spend a LOT of time working on your monologue. The second time, they get lazy and they tell you to take questions from the audience. So, here we go. [ points to an audience member ] Yes? Uh… you.

Audience Member 1: Hi. Uh, I just want to say I think you look great.

Seth Rogen: Thanks! Thank you! Thank you so much!

Audience Member 1: Did you lose all of that weight after you shot “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”?

Seth Rogen: Uh… I was not in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”.

Audience Member 1: Oh. I thought you said you were in a mall cop comedy?

Seth Rogen: I am, uh… it’s a completely different mall cop movie.

Audience Member 1: You’re in a second mall cop movie? [ she laughs ] Okay! Good luck with that!

Seth Rogen: Thank you very much…

Audience Member 2: Hey, over here!

Seth Rogen: Yes. Uh… you?

Audience Member 2: Yeah, I just want to start out by saying that I’m really excited to see you in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”!

Seth Rogen: [ he laughs ] That’s great, but, like I said, I’m not in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”!

Audience Member 2: Yeah, I know.

Seth Rogen: [ befuddled ] You have a question?

Audience Member 2: No. [ he sits ]

Audience Member 3: [ a pizza delivery guy ] Hey, man! You remember me?

Seth Rogen: Yeah! Actually, I do! You look familiar, man!

Audience Member 3: The delivery guy who used to bring you pizza every night?

Seth Rogen: Oh! yeah, yeah! How’s it going, man?

Audience Member 3: Bad! It’s going bad! I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re in the middle of a recession! Not a good time for your best customer to decide to get healthy!

Seth Rogen: Oh. Um… I’m really sorry, man. But what do you want me to do about that?

Audience Member 3: Bailout! I want you to pay me for what you would have spent this month.

Seth Rogen: Okay… fine. How much is that?

Audience Member 3: $3,500.

Seth Rogen: [ bewildered ] $3,500 for pizza?!

Audience Member 3: I’m also your WEED dealer.

Seth Rogen: [ siganls him to “cool out” ] Okay! Okay, I’ll give you that. I’ll give you that after the show.

Audience Member 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Slim.

Seth Rogen: Alright, so… I guess not everyone is happy I lost the weight!

Audience Member 4: Yeah, I’ll say!

Seth Rogen: [ amused ] Who are you?

Audience Member 4: Hi, uh, my name is, uh, Matt Bankford. I used to tell girls I was Seth Rogen, in effort to sleep with them! Okay? But, now, I can’t do that! ‘Cuase now, when I tell girl I am Seth Rogen, she says, “You CAN’T be Seth Rogen! You’re TOO FAT!!” And what exactly did I do to deserve that kind of cruelty?

Seth Rogen: Uh, I’ll tell you: you lied about your identity to sleep with women. So…

Audience Member 4: Touche.

Seth Rogen: Yeah!

Audience Member 4: [ he sits next to an attractive babe ] Hey! What’s your name?

Babe: Lisa.

Audience Member 4: Hi! I’m Se– [ stops, reconsiders ] I’m Jonah Hill. [ he slyly wraps his around her ]

Seth Rogen: Well, I’m glad to see that he landed on his feet. And I’m glad to be back. Phoenix is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts