SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22




08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Goodnights

…..Will Ferrell

Will Ferrell: Thanks to Green Day! Tom Hanks! Norm MacDonald! Amy Poehler! Maya Reedolph — Rudolph! Reedolph? [ he shrugs ] Paul Rudd! Anne Hathaway! Artie Lange! Elisabeth Moss!

[ he wraps his arm around Darrell Hammond ]

This is Darrell Hammond, right here!

[ cast members begin to point out Hammond and hug him as the credits roll ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday: 10/23/08



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 3



Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 23rd, 2008

None

None

None

Will Ferrell

Tina Fey

None


A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: Despite Sen. John McCain’s (Darrell Hammond) efforts to avoid it, President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) grants an official endorsement to him and Gov. Sarah Palin (Tina Fey).

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Gov. Sarah Palin, Todd Palin, Sen. John McCain.

Transcript

Montage

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Fred Armisen demonstrates the cool technological prowess of the Weekend Update Megapixel Giant Touch Map. Finiancial expert Oscar Rogers (Kenan Thompson) still thinks the solution to the economic crisis is to “Fix it!” Andy Samberg “Jams the Vote” and vomits in his attempts to sway unregistered voters.

Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Celebrity Jeopardy



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22











08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig
…..Tom Hanks
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald

[ open on “Jeopardy” graphics ] [ dissolve to game show set ]

Alex Trebek: And welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I’d like to once again remind our contestants that there are proper bathroom facilities located in the studio. We’ve got a real barn burner on our hands. In the lead, we have Kathie Lee Gifford, a first time player.

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a rap accent ] Heeyyy, who you callin’ a playa, G? G? What’s that mean — Grandpa? [ she chuckles ] Is that what the G stands for? Frank, you got a new nickname — G!

Alex Trebek: And you have -$22,400. In second place, with -$46,700, is Tom Hanks.

[ the audience shrieks at the sight of the real Tom Hanks ]

Tom Hanks: [ leaning to speak into his pen ] I-I-I am a slow starter, Alex, but I think you will find that I will catch up with Double Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: Well, you’ve, uh — you’ve managed to cast away quite a number of points.

Tom Hanks: [ he shrugs ] I’m sorry… what’s that?

Alex Trebek: Oh, I’m sorry. I was making a pun on the title of your movie, “Cast Away”.

Tom Hanks: I — I don’t know what that is.

Alex Trebek: The movie you were in — “Cast Away”.

Tom Hanks: Oh, ha ha! Ha ha! I still don’t understand.

Alex Trebek: Fine. And, uh, by the way, Tom — that is a pen, not a microphone.

[ Hanks pulls out the pen and blows into it ]

Alex Trebek: And, in last place, with -$69… [ he looks to the heavens ] Oh, brother… Sean Connery. -$69? okay, that wasn’t your score!

Sean Connery: Well, 69 is how I scored with your MOTHER last night! POW!! [ he laughs and accidentally yanks his pen off the podium ]

Alex Trebek: Let’s just move onto the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: “Potent Potables”… “Sounds That Kitties Make”… “Twinkle Twinkle Little ____”… “Catch These Men” — every answer is a person on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, so let’s just forget that category [ he tears the answers cards ] I’m pretty sure that that would not turn out well —

Sean Connery: I turned out your MOTHER last night!

Alex Trebek: I’m ignoring you!

Sean Connery: It’s a prison term — it means I’ve got her working as a prostitute in my employ!

Alex Trebek: My mother is infirmed — she uses a walker!

Sean Connery: She IS a walker! A STREET WALKER!! [ he laughs obnoxiously ]

Alex Trebek: [ fuming on ] Moving on: “States That End In Hampshire”… “What Color Is Green”… and “Current Black Presidents”. Kathie Lee, let’s start with you.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Um… “Potent Potables”? I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is.

Alex Trebek: It’s… about alcohol.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Ohhh! In that case, I’ll take “Potent Potables”! [ she laughs and mimes drinking to the camera ]

Alex Trebek: For how much?

Kathie Lee Gifford: How about a glass full? [ she holds up a wine glass ] Right? Come on! Hand in over, Tree Bark, let’s go!

Alex Trebek: We-we-we don’t have wine!

Kathie Lee Gifford: That’s okay, I brought my own! [ she pulls out a little baggie of Chardonney and squeezes it into her glass ]

Alex Trebek: Great. Okay. Fine. Tom, let’s just go with you.

Tom Hanks: Well, where are we going?

Alex Trebek: Nowhere! Nowhere! Pick a category!

Tom Hanks: Uh — uh — I’ll take $600.

Alex Trebek: In what category?

Tom Hanks: The… Video Daily Double.

Alex Trebek: I had such high hopes for you. You know what? Let’s just do “States That End In Hampshire”, for $200. [ reveal square ] “This is the only state ending in Hampshire.”

Tom Hanks: [ buzzes in ] South Hampshire.

Alex Trebek: No!

Tom Hanks: Oh, I’m sorry… I’m sorry! What is South Hampshire?

Alex Trebek: No! No! Kathie Lee!

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ she buzzes in ] Hampshire, England.

Alex Trebek: No, no! That’s not in the United States!

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a cockney accent ] I’m sorry, Guv’nor! Please, sir, may I have some more? [ she raises her glass and laughs ]

Alex Trebek: No. Sean Connery, would you pick a category?

Sean Connery: I’ll take “Catch The Semen” for $800.

Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] It’s NOT “Catch The Semen”!

Sean Connery: Is that what the moustache is for, Trebek?

Alex Trebek: [ fuming ] Tom Hanks, would you just pick a category?

[ reveal Hanks with his hand caught in a pickle jar ]

Alex Trebek: And he has his hand stuck in a pickle jar.

Tom Hanks: Uh, it’s on my hand.

Alex Trebek: Where did you get that pickle jar?

Tom Hanks: Uh, I-I-I wanted a pickle.

Alex Trebek: Tom, let go of it! Let — [ Tom pulls his other hand off the base of the jar ] No, not the jar! Let go of the pickle!

Tom Hanks: But I — but I want a pickle.

Alex Trebek: But we CAN’T keep playing if you DON’T let go of the pickle!

Sean Connery: That’s what your MOTHER said last night! [ he laughs obnoxiously ] Take THAT, you poltroon!

Alex Trebek: Moving on. Kathie Lee, you have the board.

Kathie Lee Gifford: I am bored! I am bored! [ she yawns playfully amd laughs ] Do people actually watch this show?

Alex Trebek: Yes. It’s actually quite popular… [ he glances onward ] And Tom Hanks is caught in a drycleaning bag.

[ reveal Hanks struggling to break free of the bag without asphyxiating himself ]

Alex Trebek: Can someone help him? No? No one can help Tom Hanks? What’s going on here? Alright, let’s just move on!

[ a buzzer goes off ]

Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

[ reveal Reynolds suddenly in the game ]

Alex Trebek: Wait, what? Burt Reynolds? Where did you come from?

Burt Reynolds: What, I’ve been here the whole time!

Alex Trebek: No, you haven’t!

Burt Reynolds: Sure, I have! Before! I’ll take, uh — give me, uh — “Famous Chinamen” for $200.

Alex Trebek: There is NO Chinamen category! And there would never be ANYTHING that offensive!

Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is… Pat Morita?

Alex Trebek: First of all, Pat Morita was Japenese, not Chinese!

Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is Kam Fong as Chin Ho?

Alex Trebek: Good Lord! Let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy. The category is: “Nonsense Words”. Just write a random series of letters — any letters — as long as it’s not a word, you will win.

[ scroll across the celebrities: Kathie Lee writing her answer while looking directly at the camera, Hanks receiving a shock as he touches the pen to his tongue, then banging his head on the podium and falling to the floor ]

Alex Trebek: Let’s see what rare gems our cotenstants have mined today. Kathie Lee, let’s see your nonsense word.

[ screen reveals: “Hoda Kotb” ]

Alex Trebek: Hoda Kotb. That’s not a nonsense word. You’ve bet your co-host on “The Today Show”.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Kotb? Believe me, that’s nonsense! Where’s the vowel? Where’s the vowel? Kotb? What’s that?

Alex Trebek: And your wager?

[ screen reveals: “That I’ll be passed out in an hour” ]

Alex Trebek: You wagered that you’ll be passed out in an hour.

Kathie Lee Gifford: You’re darn tootin’, pardner! I am Hoda Cowboy!

Alex Trebek: Alright. [ he moves along ] Tom Hanks? [ Hanks rises from behind his podium ] You managed to give yourself a pretty nasty welt there. Let’s see what you wrote.

[ reveal a busted podium screen ]

Alex Trebek: And… you broke your podium.

Tom Hanks: [ holds up his pen ] See, what happened was…

Alex Trebek: Okay, again, that’s a pen! That’s not a microphone! That’s not a microphone!

Tom Hanks: Sibilence! Sibilence!

Alex Trebek: [ he moves along ] Burt Reynolds..? Where — where is Burt Reynolds? Burt Reynolds’ podium just vanished!

Sean Connery: He was never here, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Yes, he was!

Sean Connery: No, he wasn’t!

Alex Trebek: Yes, he was! But let’s just see what you wrote. [ Connery’s screen reveals what looks like “101SSSB” ] Wow! That IS a nonsense word! Judges? Yes! Yes, the judges agree! Fantastic work, Mr. Connery! I’m so very happy in this moment.

Sean Connery: Well… I thought you could use a friend.

Alex Trebek: [ he nods humbly ] Thank you. Thank you, Sean. [ he pats Connery’s hand ]

Sean Connery: You’re welcome.

Alex Trebek: … Let’s see what my “friend”, Sean, wagered.

[ lower half of screen reveals a drawing of Trebek’s grave, Connery, and a piece of poop surrounded by flies ]

Alex Trebek: If I’m looking at that correctly, that’s you, I take it, defecating on my grave.

Sean Connery: It was right after I had sex with your MOTHER, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s it! Show’s over, good night!

[ Burt Reynolds re-enters, wearing a pair of Hulk hands like boxing gloves and making for Trebek ]

Burt Reynolds: Come on! I got some Hulk hands!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 3: 10/23/08: A Message from the President of the United States



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 3










Weekend Update Thursday 3

A Message from the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Aide…..Will Forte
Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Todd Palin…..Jason Sudeikis
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated in the Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Hello, my fellow Americans. I have chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because, quite frankly, every time I speak during the day, the Stock Market goes in the crapper. So, sorry, Asian markets. You take the hit on this one. I come to you tonight in the midst of a very important election between two very qualified candidates: the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy. Both candidates are heavily patriotized, and display much characterization. And, yes, I did have three Xanax and a Silver Bullet about a half-hour ago. I’m out of here in a few months, so screw it! [ he laughs ] But, before I leave, I wanted to help Sarah Palin and John McCain, by giving them what every candidate wants most: a prime-time, heavily-publicized network endorsement from George W. Bush. Hey, don’t pinch yourself John, you are awake!

Now, I tried to do this several months ago, but somehow it kept getting pushed to a written press release or a shouted sentence as I walked to the helicopter. I began to suspect that they didn’t want my endorsement to be too public. But now, with the country on a big upswing and my numbers on the rise, I thought it was time to give a proper, large scale “much love” to McCain and Palin…

[ an aide leans in and whispers in Bush’s ear ]

President George W. Bush: What? Really? Why didn’t you tell me that, Jeff?

[ the aide shrugs and exits ]

President George W. Bush: I’ve just been told by my trusted aide Jeff, that the country is actually in a horrible downward spiral and that my approval numbers are lower than ever. That one’s on me, uh — four months ago, I declared the Oval Office a bummer-free zone, so… You know what, let’s bring on Senator McCain and Governor Palin.

[ Gov. Sarah Palin enters the Oval Office, smiles and waves to the audience, shakes Bush’s hand, then sits against the front of the desk with him ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: So nice to meet you, Mr. President. I’ve seen you on TV.

President George W. Bush: Thank you. Where’s, uh — where’s McRage?

Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, John McCain and I have been so busy travelin’ around this great country of ours, talkin’ about change and energy independence and William Ayers, and doin’ a little shoppin’! But, unfortunately, Senator McCain, upon hearing you wanted to give him a super public endorsement, cannot be found. He was last seen travelin’ on foot through the Adirondacks. But my husband, Todd, and two of his drinkin’ buddies are in pursuit on snowmachines.

President George W. Bush: Well, we’ll smoke him out. George Bush always finds his man, save for one huge exception.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Yeah, we are gonna get ‘er done!

President George W. Bush: [ impressed ] My God, you are folksy!

Gov. Sarah Palin: Why, thank you, Mr. President. I like to think I’m one part practiced folksy, one part sassy, and a little dash of high school bitchy. [ she gives a wink and a smile ]

President George W. Bush: For a little while, I was trying to be folksy, but, after a bit, it just came off douchey. All right, let me get into my endorsement for you as Vice President.

[ to the camera ] As you know America, the office of Vice President is the most important office in the land. The Vice President decides when we go to war, how we tax the citizens, and how we interpret the Constitution. The President can do nothing without checking with the Vice President. That is why Sarah Palin…

Gov. Sarah Palin: Actually, Mr. President, I don’t want to go all Katie Couric on you, but, um, I think it’s actually the other way around. I think the Vice President reports to the President.

President George W. Bush: Really? That’s not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down on the first day.

[ suddenly, Todd Palin enters with John McCain at his side ]

Todd Palin: Well, we out-mavericked the Maverick!

[ Todd pushes McCain towards Sarah Palin and Bush, then exits the Oval Office ]

Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my friends. Mr. President, always a pleasure.

President George W. Bush: Good to see you. Good to see you, John. Hey, let’s get a photo of this; this’ll really help your campaign out. [ he grabs McCain’s hand and holds it just above Palin’s legs ] Now, let me do this: I, George W. Bush, endorse John McCain and Sarah Palin with all my heart…

[ McCain tries to drift out of frame, but is pulled back by Bush ]

President George W. Bush: John was there for me 90% of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you’re in the voting booth, before you vote, picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W. Bush. [ to McCain ] You’re welcome. So I want to be there for you, John, for the next eight years.

Gov. Sarah Palin: The next sixteen years! [ she holds up crossed fingers ]

President George W. Bush: [ to an off-camera photographer ] Let’s get a safety. I think I blinked on that last shot. Thumbs up, everybody. [ Palin performs a beauty pose ] But, most of all, I support them because… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Inside The NBA



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22






08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Inside The NBA

Ernie Johnson, Jr…..Bill Hader
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
Mark…..Will Ferrell
Rachel…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on TNT’s “Inside the NBA” desk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Welcome back! We’re going into an incredible third overtime in this game, set between the Boston Celtics and the Orlando Magic. Charles, this is a great game so far.

Charles Barkley: Oh, absolutely, E.J.! This game is phenomenal! It’s like the basketblal equivalent of a McRib sandwich.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: And after the game, be sure to stay tuned for the series premiere of “Mark”.

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark posing for the camera ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How does a single dad raise three kids and keep his sanity? Don’t ask Mark. Fridays at 9:30.

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: [ mouth agape ] Yeah, I don’t watch much TV… but I will be watching “Mark”! He looks hilarious!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles, Orlando has twice been in control, and once Boston hit three pointers to tie. What’s the psychological effect of that?

Charles Barkley: Well, it’s not good. Orlando needs to step up their brunt of the defense.

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a Dustbuster and a baby ]

Charles Barkley: [ excited ] Oh! Mark’s back! Now he’s got a baby and a Dustbuster! [ laughing ] Hey, Mark! You can’t dust bust a baby!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. What do you call a single dad with three kids and no clue? “Mark”. From the creators of “Jeff”.

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: “Mark” is an instant classic!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, the big story tonight has to be Ray Allen, who left with a knee injury. Still no word on how serious the injury is…

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark dancing the Moonwalk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Uh…

[ Barkley bounces his had in rhythm ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles… Charles. Charles!

Charles Barkley: Look at Mark!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, I see him.

Charles Barkley: He’s dancing!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, yeah. I see that.

Charles Barkley: [ on the verge of tears ] Oh, my God! Look at him go!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. Who says life’s over once you have kids? Mark did. “Mark”. Followed by an all new episode of “Courting Rachel”. [ Rachel enters the graphic ] She’s a non-nonsense judge who’s also a supermodel.

Charles Barkley: Ohhhh! Mark likes that!

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: [ laughing ] Who comes up with this stuff!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How about we, uh, look back at Toyota’s “Keys to Victory”? Alright…

Charles Barkley: Okay, so is Mark not in this part?

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: NO!

Charles Barkley: I miss Mark.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ in front of “Keys to Victory” graphic board ] Okay. To win this game, the Celtics are gonna need to limit their fouls, control the paint, and get the ball to pierce. On the other side… [ graphic board now reads “Mark’s Keys to Life” ] We’re doing what?

[ Mark appears in the graphic ]

Mark: Mark’s Keys to Life! Step 1: Don’t Get Married! Step 2: Find a Babysitter. Step 3: You Gotta Laugh.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Great…

Charles Barkley: [ laughing out loud ] Oh, I am staying up late for THAT! I’m gonna have to get me a case of Red Bulls, and make me some Stouffer’s Macaroni Pockets!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can we get back to basketball, please? Charles, is there any way the Celtics can replace Ray Allen?

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, E.J. — put MARK in!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: That’s NOT gonna happen!

Charles Barkley: Well, it should! I mean, that’s just the kind of crazy, mixed-up situation Mark lives for!

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a flaming container of food ]

Charles Barkley: Oh! Speak of the devil! Hey, Mark! Your casserole’s on fire!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: He can’t hear you!!

Charles Barkley: I know! It’s just playfullness! Hey, Mark! Wear your oven mitts! [ he claps his hands joyously ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: This is not what I agreed to… I’m not gonna do this any more! [ he gets up to leave ]

Charles Barkley: Hey, E.J. — you mind if I hang out with Mark a little bit?

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, great. You can do what you want to. [ he exits ]

Charles Barkley: Oh, I love you, Mark!

Mark: I love you, too, Charles Barkley!

[ Barkley swoons and begins to extend his hand over Mark’s casserole and playfully pretend it’s burning his hand ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 3: 10/23/08: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 3






Weekend Update Thursday 3

Goodnights

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
…..Tina Fey
…..Will Ferrell

[ return to the news desk ] [ onscreen: “Promotional Consideration Provided by Perspective Pixel” ]

Amy Poehler: We will see you back here THIS Saturday for our next live show!

Seth Meyers: Special thanks to Tina Fey and Will Ferrell!

[ Tina Fey and Will Ferrell step forward from opposite sides of the stage and shake hands ]

Seth Meyers: “30 Rock”! Here, next week!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Will Ferrell’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22




Amazon.com Widgets


08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Will Ferrell’s Monologue

…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Ferrell!

[Will Ferrell enters to wild cheers and applause]

Will Ferrell: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you. I… yes, wooh! Right back at you! I am so- I am so happy to be back hosting the season finale of SNL. [to audience] I- I love you too, more than you know. I’ve always loved being on this wonderful stage in front of a live audience. I actually did a one-man show on Broadway this year and I just got nominated for a Tony award! [applause] Thank you. And… I should win. Since I’m up against that flash in the pan Liza Minelli. You know, it’s so funny to me, people- people don’t realize that before I was christened the jester, the- the funnyman, the goofbag, I was known and recognized not for comedy, but for my dramatic work in the theater. Let me cross down-stage left and explain.

[Ferrell walks to the side and approaches a TV screen showing a slideshow of various silly pictures, supposedly of him doing dramatic work]

Will Ferrell: So many roles, so many stages. So many moments. And tonight, I once again walk upon the boards and present to you a mere tasting of my theatrical wines. [He strolls back to center-stage] This piece is the last scene in a play I wrote myself called “The Wishful Dreams of Danny O’Neill.” [no applause] Thank you. I will warn you- I will warn you that I have never performed it for an audience that hasn’t wept to the point of being shattered. So get ready to be moved.

[He brings out a chair as the lights are dimmed and piano-playing is heard]

Will Ferrell: [in an overly-dramatic tone] Hi dad. [audience laughs] Please, no laughter. You look so small in that hospital bed, like a boy. They said you can’t hear me, but I- I know you can. Just like when I was little and we would watch TV, and you would ignore me. [audience laughs again] Please, no laughter. Why wouldn’t you talk to me, dad? I was a five year-old boy! I would sit there wringing my hands and my mind would race. I should have been in your lap, eating popcorn. You laughing at a joke I told you and hugging me hard. But there we sat, drowning in that thick Irish disappointment of yours. I watched my mom die slowly from it, and I would find her in the lilac bushes. I’d say, “what’s wrong, mama?” She would say, [in a prominent Irish accent] “your dad is so sahd.” [audience laughs] Thank you. “Not her, she wasn’t allowed to be sad. Was she, dah?” Now I’m spending my life trying so damn hard not to hurt my boy like you hurt me. We sit in the same silence, and his mind races. It’s funny, isn’t it? You never talked to me, but I always wanted the last word. So here it is. [breaks character] Line.

Woman offstage: Hey, that popcorn’s good, ain’t it?

Will Ferrell: Hey, that popcorn’s good, ain’t it? Maybe you do love me, cause it doesn’t matter, because I love you. [screaming] Do you hear me, papa?! I said I love you! And I forgive you, because I forgive me.

[He knocks on the chair]

Will Ferrell: Knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s your son. It’s your son, who? It’s your son who- and I’m sorry, line.

Woman offstage: It’s your son who loves you.

Will Ferrell: [to woman, who is not seen] It’s your son who loves you? [to camera] It’s your son, who loves you.

[He slowly turns his back as the piano-playing fades. Lights return to normal and he turns around again]

Will Ferrell: We have a great show! Green Day is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Maria Hartman

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 3: 10/23/08: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 3















Weekend Update Thursday 3

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
…..Fred Armisen
Oscar Rogers…..Kenan Thompson
…..Andy Samberg
Lunch Man…..Fred Armisen
Basketball Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Woman…..Casey Wilson
Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
Second Woman…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:

While campaigning for Barack Obama this week, Hillary Clinton said that the Democrats have a new slogan: “Jobs, baby, jobs”. While Bill Clinton is sticking with his slogan: “Please, baby, please.”

The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to U.S. ports. “Thanks for the heads up,” said terrorists.

Seth Meyers: In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that, when the media criticizes her children, “the mama grizzly in me comes out, and makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.” Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin only moments before she shot it from a helicopter.

India, on Tuesday, launched its first unmanned moon mission. Not to be outdone, Afghanistan let a boy fly a kite.

Amy Poehler: Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber”, said, this week, that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though, unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he’s full of crap.

Seth Meyers: With the Presidential election only twelve days away, here is our own Fred Armisen, to show us how things are shaping up in voting districts all around the country. He’ll be using our new Weekend Update Megapixel Giant Touch Map.

[ cut to Fred Armisen across the stage, standing in front of the giant touch screen ]

Fred Armisen: Thank you! Thank you, Seth and Amy! Okay, let’s get right to the Mega Map! [ he taps “Primary Map” button, as a map of the United States scrolls onto the screen ] Great. Okay, one thing we’re gonna look at — we’re gonna want to look at Pennsylvania. Let’s look at that. [ he taps the state of Pennsylvania, which turns blue and zooms inward on county districts ] Let’s look at Harrisburg — get in really close to that. [ he zooms in on Harrisburg ] Fantastic! Let’s go back a little bit… [ he taps the screen to zoom back outward ] Back a little bit more… back a little bit more.

And… let’s go over to Idaho. [ he taps Idaho and zooms inward ] Let’s take a look at that. Let’s take a really close look at it — really, really close! Really, really close! [ he zooms into Custer County ] Excellent! Let’s go back to the map. [ he zooms back to the full country outline ]

Now, the country can be moved up and down, like so… [ he tocuhes the center of the map and sways the country up and down ] Also, don’t forget, you can also shrink it, and you can put it in your pocket, if you need to. [ he shrinks the country and scrolls it toward himself ] [ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Electoral Map” button, as a multi-colored map appears ]

Okay, let’s look at some of the states here. Remember: you can always change some of the colors. [ he taps various states and changes the colors ] You’ve got blue… blue again… a little bit of a red… red over there… a little bit of blue. [ he touches a color palette on the side of the screen and begins to draw in green on the middle of the map ] And, if you want make something out of green, we’ve got… a little face here, some whiskers… you can make a cat! [ a green cat face is revealed ] A lovely triangle nose, in that.

[ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Primary Map” button, as the blue map re-appears ]

Okay, let’s go back to the other map. Excellent! Okay, let’s lookat Ohio… [ he taps Ohio and zooms into an aeriel shot of the counties ] Let’s look really close. Let’s look at Cleveland — the Cleveland area. Let’s get in really close. Really, really close… move it over. [ inward zoom of aeriel shot of a section of Cleveland ] You can see the top of a warehouse. We’re really gonna want to look at that — very, very important. We’re gonna want to look at that warehouse.

[ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Game Board” button, as another multi-colored map appears ]

Okay, now let’s take a look at Oregan. Let’s move it out into the ocean. [ he touches Oregan and pulls it apart from the rest of the map ] It’s gonna be — its gonna be surrounded by water. That’s very, very dangerous. [ he taps Minnesota ] Let’s take Minnesota… let’s put it right over Virginia. [ he pulls Minnesota over Virginia ] Minnesota’s very heavy — imagine the sheer weight of it. Uh — here’s New York right there. [ he taps New York ] New York was there in 2004, as well. And we can shake it around like that. [ he moves New York back and forth ]

Seth Meyers: Sorry. Uh, Fred — what are you showing us, exactly? It seems like you just got this thing, and, you know, just want to play around with it.

Fred Armisen: [ he laughs ] Actually, what I’m doing is very important and informational.

Seth Meyers: Well.. it’s a really expensive piece of equipment, Fred, and I kind of feel like you’re wasting our time.

Fred Armisen: Right. Okay, where are you from, exactly?

Seth Meyers: I’m from New Hampshire.

Fred Armisen: New Hampshire? What a pretty state. [ he taps New Hampshire ] Wouldn’t it be a drag if we pulled it over… to Mexico? [ he pulls New Hampshire past Texas, then mocks Seth with a Mexican accent ]

Amy Poehler: Okay, Fred. Come on, stop goofing around.

Fred Armisen: Ohhh… [ his time threatened, Fred slaps both hands upon the map spreads all the states around ]

Amy Poehler: Hey! Don’t do that!

Seth Meyers: Come on, Fred! Put those states back where they belong!

Fred Armisen: Check out Michigan — I can make it BOUNCE! [ he taps Michigan and flicks it to the bottom of the screen ]

Seth Meyers: Very good.

Amy Poehler: Fred Armisen, everybody! That’s a high-end piece of equipment.

The biological father of Madonna’s adopted son said his boy might be “better off” with him in Malawi, now that she and husband Guy Ritchie are divorcing. Said the son, “Nope, I’m good,” and continued on his way to baby yoga class.

Election officials in Chicago’s northern suburbs are trying to find out why voter registration was sent to “Princess Noodleman”, a goldfish. Oh, I don’t know, maybe because she has the world’s most awesome goldfish name?

Seth Meyers: The Stock Market tumbled yet again yesterday, increasing fears that the global economy is already in a recession. Here to comment, once again, is “Weekend Update”‘s very own financial consultant, Oscar Rogers.

Oscar Rogers: [ breathless ] Hello, Seth. Hello, Amy. Hello, Seth and Amy.

Seth Meyers: Um — okay, Oscar. Last week, the Stock Market wasup nearly 500 points, and yesterday it was down more than 400 points. Do you see any hints that this roller coaster ride will be ending any time soon?

Oscar Rogers: Very good analogy, Seth! The Market is very close like a — it’s VERY much like a roller coaster ride, and I do believe it is about to end! But, before we get off, we will come to find that our digital cameras have fallen out of our shirt pocket, our brand new Ray-bans have flown off our head, and we are about to finiancially BARF on ourselves!!

Seth Meyers: Well, so what do we do?

Oscar Rogers: Well, it’s actually very simple: somebody needs to get on top of the situation, and FIX IT!! Seth, I haven’t slept in two weeks! Somebody needs to look at this mess, and FIX IT!! Tomorrow morning, when I have my bowl of Whole Grain Cheerios, the morning paper better read: “IT’S BEEN FIXED!!”

Seth Meyers: So, what exactly should be done?

Oscar Rogers: Well, it’s not rocket science, Seth. It’s a simple three-step process. Step 1: FIX! Step 2: IT! Step 3: FIX IT!! Then, repeat Steps 1 to 3 until it’s all FIXED!!

Seth Meyers: This is a lot of the same advince you gave last time.

Oscar Rogers: That’s true, Seth. Very similar. But, let me ask you: has it been FIXED?!

Seth Meyers: [ meekly ] I guess not.

Oscar Rogers: What do you think — what do you think they need to do, Seth?

Seth Meyers: I guess, fix —

Oscar Rogers: FIX IT!!!

Seth Meyers: How do we begin to fix…

Oscar Rogers: By FIXING IT!!

Seth Meyers: Who’s gonna fix it?

Oscar Rogers: THEY are!! THEY gonna FIX IT, because THEY BROKE IT!!! FIXITFIXIT!!! TO-DAY!!

Seth Meyers: Oscar Rogers, everyone. We’ll be right back with more “Weekend Update”, after this commercial break!

[ fade to commercial, then return to the newsdesk ]

Amy Poehler: Thank you! And welcome back!

Seth Meyers: Japanese climbers returning from a mountain in western Nepal, said on Tuesday that they had found footprints they think belonged to the abominable snowman, but turned out to be the footprints of a non-Japanese person.

The first commercial cell phone call in the U.S. was made twenty-five years ago this week, by Bob Barnett, on a phone that cost almost $4,000 and weighed twenty-eight ounces. We have a recording of that historic 1983 call.

[ cut to on-screen text ]

Female Voice: Hello?

Male Voice: Honey, guess what? I’m calling from the car on this new portable cell phone that I just bought!

Female Voice: That sounds neat. Oh, I got your parachute pants back from the dry cleaners.

Male Voice: Did they get the “Bartles & James” stain out?

Female Voice: Yes. Hey, only eight months until the “Ghostbusters” movie!

Male Voice: Total Pac-man Fever.

Female Voice: What? Can’t hear you.

Male Voice: Sorry, I’m cranking Quarterflash on the radio.

Female Voice: Oh my God, they’re the best and they will always be the best. By the way, how much did that phone cost?

Male Voice: $4,000.

Female Voice: What?!

Male Voice: Honey, I can’t hear you. You’re cutting out.

Female Voice: Cutting out? what does cutting out mean?

[ cut back to Amy and Seth at the news desk ]

Amy Poehler: Should we tell them?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, let’s tell them.

Together: That was US!!

Seth Meyers: Those were our voices!

A school in New York City is offering a class called “The Art of Charm”, which is a $3500 dollar, one-week program that teaches romantically challenged men how to successfully hit on women. Because if anyone’s knee-deep in tail, it’s the guy who teaches at the Learning Annex.

There is growing trend among some parents toward home-schooling children, because they believe that mandated vaccinations for public schools are unsafe. This is expected to lead to another new trend: dying of polio.

As we saw in the 2000 election, every vote counts. And, with this election, more than ever, the outcome will be decided by new voters. Our youth reproter, Andy Samberg, filed this report.

[ cut to Andy Samberg on tape, standing within the city ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, America! Andy Samberg here. As we all know, we’re coming up on one of the most important elections in our history, but what you might be surprised to know is that there’s still TONS of Americans who still aren’t registered to vote. So we’re going to hit the streets and see if we can’t teach people a thing or two about the importance of voting.

[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy approaching a man eating lunch at an outdoor table ]

Andy Samberg: Excuse me, sir? Are you registered to vote?

Lunch Man: No.

Andy Samberg: May I ask why not?

Lunch Man: I just don’t see the point.

Andy Samberg: Fair enough, But, what if I told you that for the next four years, you could eat only that hot dog or only those french fries?

Lunch Man: Oh. The, uh —

Andy Samberg: Too late! [ he grabs the man’s hot dog ] The decision’s been made FOR you, and now you’re stuck with french fries for the next four years.

Lunch Man: Wow! I never thought of it that way. I think I will vote.

Andy Samberg: That’s what I thought. [ he bites into the hot dog ]

Lunch Man: Oh, careful. Spicy hot link.

Andy Samberg: I think I can handle it!

[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy approaching a man standing at a car holding a basketball ]

Andy Samberg: Excuse me, sir? Are you registered to vote?

Basketball Man: Uh, no — no, I’m not.

Andy Samberg: Well, let me ask you this: which would you prefer to keep, your car or your house?

[ suddenly, Andy begins to gag from the hot dog ]

Basketball Man: You all right?

Andy Samberg: Yeah. I ate a spicy hot dog earlier, I’m fine.

Basketball Man: Uh — I guess, if I had to choose one, I’d choose my house.

Andy Samberg: Too late! The decision’s been made for you! [ he holds up the man’s car keys, then begins to choke ]

Basketball Man: Are you sure you’re all right?

Andy Samberg: Yeah… I’m fine.

[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy approaching a woman on the street ]

Andy Samberg: Excuse me, ma’am, are you registered to vote?

Woman: Uhh – no, I’m not.

[ suddenly, Andy vomits into the street ]

Woman: Oh, my God!

[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy interviewing a black man ]

Andy Samberg: So, see, if you don’t choose, someone else will choose for you.

Black Man: Well, I guess you have a point. I never relaly thought about that, I —

[ suddenly, Andy vomits across the black man’s shirt ] [ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy approaching a hardcore black man on the street, then quickly turning away as his mouth begins to twitch and vomits instead on his boom mike man ] [ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ the boom mike man vomits as well ] [ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy sitting along a bench ]

Andy Samberg: Can I have some food? I need to put something in my stomach, like crackers or bread or something? [ he’s handed another spicy hot dog ] Thank you. [ he begins to eat the hot dog, then twitches ] It’s a hot dog! [ he vomits the piece of hot dog he chewed on ] [ cut to Andy running toward a garbage can and vomiting into it ] [ cut to andy comiting alongside a bus ] [ cut to Andy vomiting down his own shirt ] [ to a passerby ] Are you registered to vote?

[ cut to Andy chasing after a second woman ]

Andy Samberg: Excuse me, Ma’am? Are you registered to vote?

Second Woman: You smell like puke.

Andy Samberg: Will you please talk to me? I’m trying to help register voters before the election.

Second Woman: The deadline for that was, like, two weeks ago.

Andy Samberg: It was..?

Second Woman: Yeah! [ she quickly walks away ] [ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ dissolve back to the news desk ]

Seth Meyers: Thank you, Andy.

Amy Poehler: That was a very intelligent, insightful report. Very insightful!

Two British women who were lifelong friends, were surprised to discover that they were actually sisters. And have spent every day since trying really hard to forget about that one time in college.

According to secret files made public Monday, two U.S. fighter planes in 1957 were ordered to shoot down a UFO over the English countryside, but the object flew away. Another narrow escape for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Seth Meyers: A cat, named Platina Luna Blade Runner, was the winner of this year’s Best of the Best Award at the Cat Fancy Championship at Madison Square Garden. Though, I wonder if he would have won if they had used his full name: Platina Luna Hussein Blade Runner.

Officials at a small zoo in Texas are searching for a 6-foot tall camel named Moses and his pint-sized pony sidekick, Coco, who wandered away from the facility. “They went thataway,” said a man and his friend who looked nothing at all like a camel and pony in disguise.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. We’ll be right back.

Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Green Day performs “Know Your Enemy”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22



08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Green Day performs “Know Your Enemy”

…..Will Ferrell
…..Green Day

Will Ferrell: Ladies and gentlemen — Green Day.

Green Day: [ singing ]“Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
Well gotta’ know the enemy, right!

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
Well gotta’ know the enemy, right!

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
Well gotta’ know the enemy, right!

Violence is an energy
Against the enemy
Well violence is an energy, right.

Bringing on the fury
The choir infantry
Revolt against the honor to obey (Ohaooh)

Overthrow the effigy
The vast majority
We’re burning down the foreman of control (Ohaooh)

Silence is the enemy
Against your urgency
so rally up the demons of your soul (Ohaooh)

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
well gotta know the enemy, Right.

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
well gotta know the enemy, Right.

Insurgency will rise,
When the blood’s been sacrificed
We’ll be blinded by the lights in your eyes.

Say!

Ohaooh
Ohaooh

Well, Violence is an energy, Ohaooh
From here to Eternity
Well, Violence is an energy, Ohaooh
Silence is the enemy

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
Well gotta’ know the enemy, right!

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
Well gotta’ know the enemy, right!

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
Well gotta’ know the enemy, right!

Overthrow the effigy
The vast majority
We’re burning down the foreman of control

Silence is the enemy
Against your urgency
so rally up the demons of your soul (Ohaooh)”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 2008-2009


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: 2008-2009















Starring:

  • Fred Armisen
  • Will Forte
  • Bill Hader
  • Darrell Hammond
  • Seth Meyers
  • Amy Poehler
  • Andy Samberg
  • Jason Sudeikis
  • Kenan Thompson
  • Kristen Wiig

    Featuring:
  • Abby Elliott
  • Bobby Moynihan
  • Michaela Watkins
  • Casey Wilson
  • Writers:

  • Doug Abeles
  • James Anderson
  • Alex Baze
  • Jessica Conrad
  • Jim Downey
  • Steve Higgins
  • Colin Jost
  • Erik Kenward
  • Rob Klein
  • John Lutz
  • Seth Meyers
  • Lorne Michaels
  • John Mulaney
  • Paula Pell
  • Simon Rich
  • Marika Sawyer
  • Akiva Schaffer
  • John Solomon
  • Emily Spivey
  • Kent Sublette
  • Jorma Taccone
  • Bryan Tucker
  • Episodes

  • 09/13/08: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne
  • 09/20/08: James Franco / Kings of Leon
  • 09/27/08: Anna Faris / Duffy
  • 10/04/08: Anne Hathaway / The Killers
  • 10/09/08: Weekend Update Thursday 1
  • 10/16/08: Weekend Update Thursday 2
  • 10/18/08: Josh Brolin / Adele
  • 10/23/08: Weekend Update Thursday 3
  • 10/25/08: Jon Hamm / Coldplay
  • 11/01/08: Ben Affleck / David Cook
  • 11/08/08: Paul Rudd / Beyonce
  • 11/22/08: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain
  • 12/06/08: John Malkovich / T.I.
  • 12/13/08: Hugh Laurie / Kanye West
  • 01/10/09: Neil Patrick Harris / Taylor Swift
  • 01/17/09: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes
  • 01/31/09: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz
  • 02/07/09: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio
  • 02/14/09: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers
  • 03/07/09: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne
  • 03/14/09: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson
  • 04/04/09: Seth Rogen / Phoenix
  • 04/11/09: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs
  • 05/09/09: Justin Timberlake / Ciara
  • 05/16/09: Will Ferrell / Green Day
  • Summary“Saturday Night Live” returns early for its thirty-fourth season, raring to make up for time lost during last season’s Writer’s Strike with a string of performances that include an Election year special and mini-broadcasts on Thursday nights. Assisting in the election year humor were frequent guest appearances by former cast members Tina Fey and Will Ferrell as Republican running mate Gov. Sarah Palin and soon-to-be ex-President George W. Bush. The real Palin would also make a guest appearance as herself, as would Sen. John McCain in a separate episode. Cast member Amy Poehler went on temporary hiatus due to maternity leave, and then left “SNL” altogether midseason to star in her own prime-time sitcom, “Parks and Recreation”, by the Spring. For the first time since Colin Quinn hlemed the anchorman chair, “Weekend Update” would return to its roots as a solo anchor gig, now performed exclusively by long-time cast member and current Head Writer Seth Meyers. Although it has yet to be stated officially, speculation is that Darrell Hammond has finally retired from “SNL”‘s cast after a record-breaking fourteen seasons.

    SNL Transcripts