[Opens with a misty landscape. Channel 10, Edison, NJ]
[cuts to a living room turned TV studio in a Hindu family]
[Logo Talk Show with Ravish. Photo of emotionless Ravish]
Ravish’s Dad: Live from Vanacheck, New Jersey. It’s “Talk Show with Ravish”. And now here’s your host, my son, child prodigy. He’s a very good boy, well behaved and will be a jolly good talk show host, Ravish Vandrashekeran.
[nerdy Ravish appears, big glasses]
Ravish: Hello. Welcome to our home. I am Ravish. My father always wanted for me to work hard and become doctor. Then he read that Mister David Letterman makes over 31 and half million dollars per year. Now he wants me to be talk show host. So I try.
Ravish’s Dad: Heh, heh, heh. That was a very good monologue. Good one. Ok Sabina. Play him over.
[nerdy Sabina with big glasses plays the violin, Ravish sits down]
Ravish: My sister Sabina on violin everyone. [applause] How was your schooling today, Sabina?
Sabina: I work very hard. And I get high marks.
Ravish: I also received high marks.
Ravish’s Dad: Heh, heh, this is very good banter.
Ravish: Now we are going to do a new segment where we ask questions in the street.
Ravish’s Dad: That’s right. It’s Jay Leno Walking with Ravish.
[cut to Ravish and his dad on the street]
Ravish’s Dad: What is the capital of Finland?
Ravish: Helsinki.
Ravish’s Dad: Yes. What is the surface area of the planet Jupiter?
Ravish: 62. 2 billion kilometers squared.
Ravish’s Dad: In miles?
Ravish: 24.1 billion miles.
Ravish’s Dad: Correct. It’s been Jay Leno Walking with Ravish.
[back to the show]
Ravish: My first guest came into father’s store today and agreed to be here for discount on rug. Please welcome, from movies, Mr. Jude Law.
[actor Jude Law appears and sits next to Ravish]
Jude Law: Hello there Ravish. It’s a pleasure to be here–
Ravish’s Dad: Take off your shoes!
Jude Law: Sorry, sorry. [takes off shoes]
Ravish: Thank you for being here. Most nights my guest is my uncle. [uncle wearing a turban drinks from bottle] Mr. Law, I know that you grew up in the London borough of Lewisham.
Jude Law: Yes, I did. Yes.
Ravish: Population 261,600 persons according to the 2008 census.
Jude Law: Hey, you know your stuff. That’s very good.
Ravish: I also know that you were educated at the National Youth Music Theater.
Jude Law: Yep, that’s right. I’m very impressed, Ravish.
Ravish: [nerdy pride] Aaahh, yeah. In 2004, you made the movie “Alfie” which cost 60 million dollars American but only grossed 13.4 million.
Jude Law: [embarrassed] Oh, yeah, you know, Ravish what really matters is—
Ravish: Therefore the total loss of the film was—
Jude Law: [desperate, interrupts] Right, we don’t have to go through all that now—
Ravish’s Dad: No, no.no. Let him study mathematics. He must study this to be bloody good talk show host.
Ravish: 46 million lost. Lost.
Jude Law: Thanks. Thanks Ravish, for that very accurate reminder.
Ravish: You’re very welcome.
Ravish’s Dad: My Ravish work very, very hard. Takes every night to be talk show host. Not like lazy-bones Craig Ferguson.
Jude Law: Well, you’re very good at it. Why don’t we change the subject?
Ravish: Ok. According to the “National Enquirer” in December 2008 you impregnated a woman—
Jude Law: Yes, but Ravish, that tabloid stuff isn’t really necessarily nice to talk about in an interview. Maybe I should just go.
Ravish’s Dad: Do you mean that my Ravish is not a good talk show host? That he failed?
[panicky faces on Ravish and Sabina, uncle sleeps drunk]
Jude Law: No. No, no, no. Ravish, I’m sorry. You’re a bloody good talk show host. I give you an A plus. And I’m gonna tell all my actor friends to appear on your show.
Ravish: [ecstatic] Oh, yeah! Do it.
Ravish’s Dad: I’m very proud of you my son. [hugs him]
Ravish: Thank you, father. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jude Law. [applause]
[Jude puts on his shoes]
Ravish’s Dad: Now we take family picture. Come on.
Ravish: You too Mr. Law. Come in.
[The whole family poses with Jude for a photo. Uncle drunken dancing]
[photo of rug store]
Announcer: Clothes provided by “Vandrashekeran July Fourth Rugs” in Edison NJ. Guests on “Talk Show with Ravish” must take off their shoes!
Lyle Round…..Bill Hader Mindy Grayson…..Kristen Wiig Vladmir Kuchev…..Jude Law Lenny Doyle…..Kenan Thompson Dan Durnst…..Fred Armisen
Announcer 1: Youre watching the Game Show Network. Coming up next, Secret Word!
Announcer 2: Its time to play the game the stars play, Secret Word! With your host, Lyle Round!
[Lyle Round enters from backstage; the audience applauses]
Lyle Round: Hello! Hello everyone! Im Lyle Round, and we got a great show for you, and it looks like our contestants are ready, so why dont we bring out the stars! Our first guess is someone you may not recognize as a celebrity, because she is better known for her work on the Broadway stage, please welcome Mindy Gracin!
[Mindy comes out to applause; she stands, smiling in somewhat of a haze]
Mindy Grayson: Look at me!
Lyle Round: Good to have you back. Next we have Russian ballet star, Vladimir Kuchev! [Vladimir enters by doing demi-pointe work on and off the stage] Vladimir, Vladimir, Vladimir! [Vladimir comes back by semi-leaping to the other side, then stretching his leg on the table] Alright!
Vladmir Kuchev: Theyve not yet worn though!
Lyle Round: Okay, why dont you have a seat? Have a seat, have a seat! Alright, so whats new with you, Vladimir?
Vladmir Kuchev: Ive recently defected from my country so I can be ballet dancer in America! [Vladimir stands up, his very large bulge is visible and he stretches his leg on the table again] You see?
Lyle Round: Oh, VERY nice! Very nice. Well a coin was tossed backstage and Mindys team won the toss, are you ready?
Mindy Grayson: Lyle, I, am, prepared, to play, SECRET WORD! [Mindy stretches her arms up, one hand going over her teammates face]
Lyle Round: Quiet from the audience and ten seconds from the clock.
Announcer 2: The secret word is gown.
Mindy Grayson: [Clock starts ticking] Alright. I know about these… how am I going to do this? Alright… [inhales deeply, then exhales] Oh, I know. Goooooooowwwwwwwwnnnnnnn! [Buzzer rings; Mindy shakes her head]
Lyle Round: You just said the secret word, Mindy. The secret word was gown.
Mindy Grayson: Yes, I said it. I said the secret word, gown. Im an actress, thats my craft, its what I do, I read the page! Just like I did when I starred in the hit show [Stands up] Sassy Slacks of 1963!
Lyle Round: Okay, okay. Calm down, calm down. Before we go on, why dont we meet your partner? His name is Lenny Doyle, and I hear you have a very funny story for us.
Lenny Doyle: Well, I dont know how funny it is. I was arrested for walking around a neighborhood that families live in. [Mindy and Lyle laugh]
Lyle Round: Thats great. Now were glad youre here; lets move over to Vladimirs team. Lets meet his partner!
Dan Durnst: Uh, hi, Im Dan Durnst, Im a file clerk and I enjoy playing the handbells!
Mindy Grayson: I played a Southern belle in the Broadway show [Stands up] I Do Declare My Name is Dee Claire!
Lyle Round: I saw that, and it was awful. Lets move on, Vladimir, move on, youre up. Ten seconds on the clock.
Announcer 2: The secret word is vodka.
Vladmir Kuchev: This is too easy. You have this in the morning with beets.
Dan Durnst: Um, uh… Cheerios. I dont know.
Vladmir Kuchev: Nyet, nyet. If your baby is thirsty, it drinks this.
Dan Durnst: Uh… milk.
Vladmir Kuchev: NO! Concentrate! What is wrong with you? Youre embarrassing me!
Dan Durnst: Cheerios?
Mindy Grayson: Its vodka! I can see it right here on my screen, the secret word is Vodka. I can see it right here. [Buzzer goes off]
Lenny Doyle: Why are you helping them?
Lyle Round: We dont want any trouble, Lenny! I WILL call the police!
Lenny Doyle: Oh…
Vladmir Kuchev: Shes right! Its WODKA! Im sorry I yelled at you. [Puts his hand down Dans face] See, I have tender side.
Lyle Round: [Laughs] Yeah. Lets go back over to Mindys team. Ten seconds on the clock.
Announcer 2: The secret word is theater.
Mindy Grayson: Alright, listen very closely. Im not going to say theater. [Buzzer goes off] Theeeaaaaaaaaaaater! [Buzzer goes off four times] I said the secret word again. But this time I cannot be blamed, theaters in my bones! It has been since the stage debut [Stands up] And Sarah Made a Sound, the story of a mute girl who desperately wanted to say the word jazz!
Lyle Round: Take it easy. Take it easy. Thank you. Dan, its your turn to give to Vladimir.
Dan Durnst: Okay!
Announcer 2: The secret word is cake.
Dan Durnst: Okay, this is something you eat on your birthday.
Vladmir Kuchev: Sour cream and fish.
Dan Durnst: No.
Vladmir Kuchev: What do you mean, no?!
Dan Durnst: Its a dessert.
Vladmir Kuchev: Oh, of course. Steamed eggs in pickled water!
Lyle Round: Times almost up, Vladimir.
Mindy Grayson: [Walks over to Dans side] Its cake. Its right there on the screen. [Buzzer goes off]
Lyle Round: You know what? Before I kill someone, I think we know a break. Well be right back after a word from Career Girl Cigarettes!
Mindy Grayson: [Stands in front of panel] Thank you for watching! [Lyle tries to get her to sit down; title screen comes up]
[ The picture shakes as the bass of the boombox blasts. ANDY SAMBERG standing in front of several speakers with his head tilted down. The camera moves closer and closer on him as he quickly tilts his head up. ]
Andy Samberg: [singing] Imagine in your mind youre in a posh country club
INT. COUNTRY CLUB DAY
[ Several well-to-do folks are having boiled goose for lunch. A matired denies entry to a poor family. ]
Andy Samberg: [singing] The stuffy old money where the poor get snubbed The spread is bland sauerkraut and boiled goose Theres no way these people will ever cut loose
[ Andy enters, carrying a colossal boombox and holds it high over his head. ]
Andy Samberg: [singing] But then I walk in the room, hold my boombox high And what happened next, will blow your mind
[ The patrons and staff are dancing wild as The Strokes lead singer JULIAN CASABLANCAS holds a mic. ]
Julian Casablancas: [singing] Everything got outta control The music was so entrancing Everyone got out of the floor It was a bunch of white people dancing
EXT. NYC DAY
[ Andy strolls down the Upper West Side. Two street cops arrest a drug dealer. ]
Andy Samberg: [singing] The Big Apple, where people never dance Spirits go down while profits expand The cops or the dealers, whos got the juice
[ Andy poses next to an angry, Middle Eastern street vendor selling boiled goose. ]
Andy Samberg: [singing] The street vendors peddling their boiled goose So many types of people, theyll never get along Till I bust out my boombox and play this song
[ Julians surrounded by pedestrians whore dancing; such as an Asian man doing a freak dance as well as the cops and the drug dealer swaying in harmony. ]
Julian Casablancas: [singing] The music washed away all their hate And society started advancing Every demographic was represented It was a rainbow coalition of dancing
[ The street vendors gyrates his body holding two, boiled gooses. Andy holds the boombox near the face of a Wall Street executive, whos doing the ass slap break dance.]
Julian Casablancas: [singing] Whoa!
[ INTERCUT between the street and Julian on an all black soundstage raining glitter.]
Julian Casablancas: [singing] Everyone was wearing fingerless gloves
[ Andy, Julian, and the crowd wiggle their fingerless, gloved-covered hands. ]
Julian Casablancas: [singing] Whoaaaaaoaaaaaoh! I saw a Spanish guy doing the Bartman
[ A SPANISH MAN wearing a Bart Simpson t-shirt and yellow/red cape does the Bartman dance. ]
Andy Samberg: [singing] Transport now to an old folks home Where the elderly are tossed on their brittle bones
[ An ORDERLY steals a wad of cash out of a purse. ]
Andy Samberg: [singing] The orderlies are stealing, theres no excuse Everyday for lunch they eat boiled goose
[ An elderly black man gets a whole patter of boiled goose smothered in BBQ sauce. ]
Andy Samberg: [singing] So I grabbed my boombox and hit the turbo base
[ Andy flips a switch labeled TURBO BASS and holds the boombox high. ]
Andy Samberg: [singing] And what happened next was a total disgrace
[ All the residents start engaging in torrid intercourse. ]
Julian Casablancas: [singing] Everybody started having sex The music was way too powerful A bunch of old people fucking like rabbits It was disgusting to say the least Oh! A boombox can change the world You gotta know your limits with a boombox This is a cautionary tale A boombox is not a toy!
[ Julian smashes a vase by closing his hands. Andy slides on the floor of the soundstage like Michael Jackson as glitter shoots up from the slide. Andy holds the boombox on his shoulder blowing glitter into the camera simultaneously with Julian at his side. ]
Rod Serling…..Bill Hader Husband…..Jude Law Wife…..Abby Elliott Stewardess…..Nasim edradThing…..Bobby Moynihan …..Pearl Jam Thing’s Wife…..Jenny Slate
[ open on Rod Serling standing in front of an airport terminal with creepy “Twilight Zone” music playing ]
Rod Serling: A man journeys from Point A to Point B. But this is no ordinary journey. For little does this man know, this trip ends in a dark, mysterious, terrible place: [ dramatic pause ] Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. And, also: The Twilight Zone.
[ cut to exterior footage of a plane flying in the rain ]
[ dissolve to interior, cabin, as a stewardess tends to her passengers ]
Husband: Ohhhh… oh, man! Will this storm EVER end?
Wife: [ chipper ] Oh, it’s fine, dear. HUNDREDS of planes fly through this kind of weather every day!
Husband: Yeah, but I’m not on those planes!
Wife: Oh, relax. It’ll be better if you try to sleep.
Husband: [ nodding ] Okay. Alright. I’ll try.
[ he leans back, but first looks out the window as thunder flashes. He’s stunned by what he sees. ]
[ cut to the exterior, wing, as a mysterious Thing stomps slowly toward the window, then does a low jump to pose menacingly in place ]
Husband: Honey! Honey, there’s something out there!
Wife: What? Where?
Husband: On the wing! I saw… something!
Wife: Let me see…
[ she peers out the window, but the wing is now empty ]
Wife: I don’t see anything there.
Husband: I SAW it!! I SWEAR!! I did!!
[ she rubs his shoulder assuringly, as he glances out the window again ]
[ the mysterious Thing is crouched low, smoking a cigarette. He notices the man staring at him, flicks the cigarette toward the window, then jumps back into his menacing pose. ]
Husband: There’s something out there on the wing! [ to everyone ] THERE’S SOMETHING OUT THERE!! THERE’S SOMETHING OUT THERE!!
[ the Stewardess runs forward ]
Stewardess: Sir, what is going on?
Husband: There’s a creature on the wing! It was smoking! Smoking on a plane!!
Stewardess: [ innocently ] Sir… everyone here is smoking on the plane.
[ reveal the other passengers casually smoking on the plane, one of the many perks of aviation in 1963 ]
Husband: But the thing! It was —
Stewardess: I don’t see anything, sir. Now, try to get some rest, okay?
[ she walks away ]
Husband: [ cracking up ] I swear I saw it!
Wife: Honey, it’s nothing. Just, please, get some rest.
Husband: Okay! Alright!
[ he seems relaxed, but can’t help but look out the window again ]
[ reveal the Thing cooking barbecue on the wing, while wearing a “KISS ME, I’M REAL” t-shirt. He notices the man’s glance, and poses menacingly once again. ]
Husband: AAGGGHHHH!!! My God, it’s OUT there!!
Wife: WHAT is?!
Husband: I DON’T KNOW!! IT!! LOOK!!
Wife: [ she looks ] I don’t see anything! What was it doing?!
Husband: It was making grilled cedar-black salmon! I think it likes fish!
Wife: Oh, Bob! Bob, stop! This is crazy! This storm is getting to you, just go to sleep!
Husband: [ collecting himself ] Okay… alright… I’ll try.
[ he looks out the window once again, and sees the Thing on a walking machine. The Thing notices the man’s stare, and thus jumps off into his menacing position. ]
Stewardess: Sir, stop it!! Calm down! Nothing is out there!
Husband: You can’t see it?! It’s toning up! It seems healthy and… dangerous!
Stewardess: Sir, do you need a pill? Hmm? Because, unless you calm yourself, we’re going to have you arrested when you get on the ground! Now, can you settle down, sir?
Husband: Yes. Yes, I think I can. I — I — I’m okay.
[ she closes the window curtain ]
Stewardess: Now, we have a long flight. Just don’t look out the window from now on. Can you do that, sir?
Husband: [ fumbling with his emotions ] I think so.
Stewardess: Good. Good night, sir.
[ she walks away ]
[ naturally, the man pulls back the curtain and peeks out the window again. The Thing is carrying a tiered cake from one stand to another. ]
Husband: Don’t look! No, he’s going to drop the cake! He’s trying to get it to the judge’s table! He — he can’t transfer that!
[ the Thing transfers the cake to the judge’s table, then jumps low into his menacing position for the man ]
Husband: You’re on a wing! It’s impossible! [ he blinks his eyes ] No, it’s fine. There’s nothing there… there’s nothing there! It’s okay.
[ he looks out the window once more, and sees the Thing chatting it up with Pearl Jam. They all notice his stare and thus jump down into their menacing positions. ]
Husband: OH, NO!! OH, NO, NO, NO!! You have to stop that Thing!!
Stewardess: [ running forward ] Sir! You can’t do this, sir!
Husband: No, no, no! I’m going out there!
Stewardess: No! Sir!
[ the man pries the window open, then screams as the Thing climbs in through the window ]
Thing: FINALLY!! I was freezing my BALLS off out there!! Geez! Make decisions much?! Man! [ to Stewardess ] Hey, I’m in 23-C. [ she points to the man’s seat ] Oh. I’m sorry. Hey, I’m in 23-C?
Husband: That’s, uh, that’s my seat.
Thing: Oh. Uh — [ he chuckles ]
Wife: I’m in 23-D.
Thing: Oh! Okay. I’m sorry. I hate to be a pain, but would you guys mind moving so that my wife and I could sit next to each other?
[ his own furry wife steps forward ]
Thing’s Wife: Oh, I’m so sorry. Hi!
Husband: No, no, no, no — of course!
Thing: Thank you so much!
Thing’s Wife: Thank you so much!
[ they make their pleasantries and swap seats ]
Thing: Oh, wow! Finally, I can relax.
[ camera pans across the aisle to Rod Serling seated ]
Rod Serling: The nightmare in the sky is over, but, on the ground, a man who is deciding exercise for the very first time… is killed by a falling eliptical machine — and, also, members of Pearl Jam. Another coincidence that can only happen… in The Twlight Zone.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 35: Episode 18 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
April 10th, 2010 Tina Fey Justin Bieber None Steve Martin Mark Sanchez None
A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) reads Census questions that seek answers of a too-personal nature to suit his political agenda. Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama. Transcript
Montage
Tina Fey’s MonologueSummary: Tina Fey sings “I’m Every Woman” and introduces the entourage that helps her juggle her many roles as a woman. Recurring Characters: Chaka Khan. Transcript
Brownie HusbandSummary: Single woman (Tina Fey) indulges her sweet tooth with a romantic fantasy. Transcript
MastersSummary: Jim Nantz (Jason Sudeikis) and Nick Faldo (Bill Hader) welcome Tiger Woods back to the Masters Tournament with additional sideline commentary from floozy Ashlyn St. Cloud (Tina Fey). Recurring Characters: Jim Nantz, Tiger Woods.
Sarah Palin NetworkSummary: Sarah Palin’s (Tina Fey) new television network includes low-rent TV-movies of the week and a new action series starring husband Todd (Jason Sudeikis). Transcript
Lonely TeacherSummary: Lonely teacher (Tina Fey) indulges in a musical fantasy with twerpy teen student (Justin Bieber).
Justin Bieber performs “Baby”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Even the Devil (Jason Sudeikis) is offended by latest Catholic Church scandal. Aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig) reviews recent movies. Tina Fey delivers Women’s News. Recurring Characters: Aunt Linda. Transcript
Ruff, Rugged and RokerSummary: Al Roker (Kenan Thompson) hosts a hip-hop jam in-between phoning in his weather reports for “The Today Show”. Recurring Characters: Al Roker, Kim Kardashian.
School DanceSummary: Bedelia (Nasim Pedrad) is best friends with her mom (Tina Fey) and doesn’t wan to interact socially with her peers.
Justin Bieber performs “U Smile”
Tiny HookerSummary: 9-inch hooker Lolene (Tina Fey) wants to save enough money from turning tricks to fly to Paris.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts The ViewSummary: The insipidly gabby talk show hostesses chat about “Dancing With The Stars” with Pamela Anderson (Tina Fey). Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg, Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, Elizabeth Hasselback, Pamela Anderson.
Date NightSummary: While being interviewed about “Date Night”, mentally-challenged Frondi (Fred Armisen) cautions Tina Fey about “30 Rock”‘s low ratings.
Great Women WritersSummary: Tina Fey discusses the writers who inspired her to follow in their tracks.
Great Women Writers IISummary: Tina Fey discusses more writers who inspired her to follow in their tracks.
The Shake Weight Commercial DVDSummary: Entrepreneur (Bill Hader) advertises a DVD of the Shake Weight commercial for horny male viewers who keep missing it on television. Note: This commercial parody will air on the episode hosted by Ryan Phillippe.
The Facts of LifeSummary: Teenager’s (Andy Samberg) parents (Will Forte, Tina Fey) educate him about the birds and the bees.
[ open on single woman coming home from a long day at work ]
Announcer: You’ve worked a long day. It’s not easy being the Perfect Boss… the Perfect Best Friend… the Perfect Aunt. But when you’re done, who’s there for you? Duncan Hines. That’s who. With our newest indulgence, specifically designed for the single woman.
[ she pops brownie mix into the microwave ]
Announcer: Introducing…. Brownie Husband, our very first companion dessert.
[ reveal product box ]
Announcer: In just ninety seconds, Brownie Husband bakes into a delicious partner just for you, a luxurious temptation that’s only 120 calories per serving.
[ now completely baked, the single woman sits on the couch with her man-sized warm brownie and takes a fork to his chest ]
Announcer…..Don Pardo …..Tina Fey Personal Trainer…..Will Forte …..Mark Sanchez …..Steve Martin …..Justin Bieber Chaka Khan…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey!
[ Audience cheers ]
Tina Fey: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be back hosting Saturday Night Live for a record second time. It’s a personal record, not a show record. All week there have been hundreds of girls downstairs, so I guess I am more of a role model for young women than I thought. No, I’m just kidding, I know it’s for Justin Bieber. I’ve actually worked with Justin before, he was one of the babies in Baby Mama. That was two years ago.
Tonight is the end of a very exciting and crazy week for me. I finished shooting the fourth season of 30 Rock on Tuesday, and then, my movie Date Night opened last night. And then I drank a big box of wine and came here. People ask me all the time, you know, how do you juggle it all, being a wife and a mother and working so much? But they ask me like this, (condescendingly) how do you juggle it all? With this horrible, snarky face, like they secretly think that I am screwing up everything. How do you juggle it all is actually one of my least favorite things that people say to me, right behind, are you gonna have another baby? and, you look tired! Yes, yes, I have a busy life and it is a challenge, but, you know, it truly takes a village and I want to take this moment now to express my gratitude to my personal village.
[ Band starts playing, choir sings, I’m every woman ]
Tina Fey: Let me introduce you to all the people it takes to help me juggle it all! My nanny Denise [ a young woman walks into frame ] -who is in charge of all snacks, baths and butt-wiping while I’m at work. [ she walks off ] And this is my child’s nanny. [ Another young woman walks into frame, shakes Fey’s hand and then walks off ] My personal trainer who works me out while I’m sleeping. [ Personal trainer walks into frame ]
Personal Trainer: And some other stuff.
Tina Fey: What?
Personal Trainer: Don’t worry about it.
[ Fey shoots him an angry look ]
Personal Trainer: (singing) I’m every woman! [ he walks off ]
Tina Fey: Now, these people over here [ pan to group of factory workers ] -these are the factory workers who make my clothing line, The Lady Who Looks Like Sarah Palin Brand Jean Pants, available at Walmarts all over the Ukraine. God bless you, I love you. [ the factory workers wave ] And I couldn’t do any of this without my beloved husband, who for this performance only will be played by New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez! [ Mark Sanchez walks into frame ] Thank you for your patience, and you tender lovemaking, and for not telling anyone about that thing that happened that time. I love you. [ he walks off ] My tax lawyer, Steve Martin!
[ Steve Martin walks into frame, carrying a briefcase and a jar of fat ]
Steve Martin: And, great news, great news Tina. I just found out we can deduct your liposuction as a business deduction.
Tina Fey: Thank you, and thank you for being here, Steve Martin!
Steve Martin: And wait, I loved working with you on Date Night!
Tina Fey: Oh no, that- that was Steve Carell.
Steve Martin: It was? [ he walks off ]
Tina Fey: And I couldn’t do this tonight without my boy Justin Bieber! [ Bieber walks into frame ] -Who’s gonna help me get tonight’s rating off the hizzle!
Justin Bieber: (singing) I’m every woman! [ he walks off ]
[ Choir sings, Chaka Khan ]
Tina Fey: Chaka Khan, and of course, my spiritual adviser Chaka Khan!
[ Chaka Khan walks into frame ]
Chaka Khan: (singing) I am ready, ’cause I’m the one! Just ask me and it shall be done!
[ All the previously mentioned come into frame, except the factory workers. They sing along for a short while. The music stops ]
Tina Fey: And that’s how I juggle it all, bitches! Justin Bieber is here! I’m gonna dress up like Sarah Palin later. Stick around, we’ll be right back.
Announcer: The following is a message from the President of the United States, Barack Obama.
[ dissolve to Obama seated in Oval Office ]
President Barack Obama: Uh, good evening. Uh, by now I’m sure that every American household, uh, has received this form in the mail: [ ge holds up form ] It’s the 2010 Census. And, uh, tonight, I’d like to take a few moments to explain why filling it out and, uh, returning it is so important.
Now, despite what you may have heard on, uh, FOX News, uh… the Census is not some Socialist plot to spy on the American people. Uh, it’s the way our government collects data we need to have a functioning society. Uh, the Census is simple and it’s straightforward. Uh, it’s only ten questions long and all answers are strictly confidential. Uh, let’s take a few minutes to fill it out together.
Alright. Uh — Question 1: “How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?” Simple enough.
Uh — Question 2: “What is the name of each individual living at this address on April 1, 2010?” Alright.
Question 3: “How important is the role of fantasy in your sex life?”
“Uh — and Part 3a: “For each member of the household, does sexual intercourse involve elements of a rough or aggresive nature, such as biting, slapping, choking, spitting, hair-pulling, or ‘dirty talk’? Explain.” Uh, now — why do we ask this? Uh, it’s how we obtain the data we need, uh, to plan mass transit and highway systems. And, uh, to ensure that each state is fairly represented by Congress.
Uh — Question 4: “Do you sometimes fantasize about sex with individuals, other than your spouse, who were residing in this household on April 1, 2010, such as daughter, son, mother, father, sister, brother, foreign exchange student or elderly relative (grandmother, grandfather, etc.)? Explain.” Uh, again, I remind you all answers are strictly confidential.
Question 5: “What bank do you use? What is your ATM pin number?”
Question 6: “Have any individuals residing in this household on April 1, 2010 criticized President Obama’s health care reform plan? What are their names?” Now… what’s this question about? Uh, look — obviously, should, uh, health care reform recently passed by Congress, eventually involve, uh, rationing health care treatment — and it might, no one really knows — uh, we need to make sure medical care doesn’t go to anyone who opposed the plan. [ he smiles ]
A related question: 6a. If some member of this household had to die, so that others might live, who should that be?”
Uh — Question 7: “Do you think that Jews have too much influence on Wall Street and the media?” Uh — again, all answers are confidential.
Question 8: “How many weapons are kept in this house, apartment, or mobile home? Where are they stored? At what time(s) of the day is this residence unoccupied?” Uh, what is the purpose of this question? It’s so that, if we have to suspend the Constitution and declare martial law, the population can be quickly and easily disarmed.
Now, Question 9 is only for those whose primary language is Spanish: “Esta aqui ilegalmente?” “Are you here illegally?”
And, finally, Question 10: “What is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done? Explain.” Uh, this last question, I admit, doesn’t really have a purpose — at least, right now. But, who knows? At some point, years down the road, you may be really glad we asked you.
Thank you for your time, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey Doctor…..Andy Samberg Daughter…..Jenny Slate Mother…..Kristen Wiig Todd Palin…..Jason Sudeikis Announcer/Suspect…..Kenan Thompson Ned Redstone…..Bobby Moynihan
FADE IN:
[ SWIRLING GRAPHICS ]
Announcer (V/O): A new network will be unveiled by the women whove changed the face of television, because the time has come for — The Sarah Palin Network.
[ GRAPHIC: SARAH PALIN NETWORK ]
[ Former Alaskan Governor SARAH PALIN in front of a white background. ]
Sarah Palin: Hello all of my fellow Americans! Its me. You know, last year since I won the silver medal in last years Vice Presidential election, Ive made it my goal to connect with many of this nations people as possible — regular hockey moms to the protesters who are dressed like Paul Revere, whore so overweight they picket from folding chairs. You know, with my work as a contributor on Fox News and my new TLC reality show Sarah Palins Alaska, it just seemed the next logical step was to start my own network.
[ GRAPHIC: SARAH PALIN NETWORK appears next to Gov. Palin. ]
Sarah Palin: Youll find we aim for the Heartland, with Sarah Palin Network original movies like
[ GRAPHIC: MY DAUGHTER ONLY SPRAINED HER ANKLE, YOU CANT SERIOUSLY BE CONSIDERING EUTHANIZING HER. ]
Sarah Palin: My Daughter Only Sprained Her Ankle, You Cant Seriously Be Considering Euthanizing Her!
INT. PATIENT ROOM DAY
[ An ill GIRL lies on a hospital bed being comforted by her MOTHER. ]
Mother: Hows my little angel?
The DOCTOR comes in.
Doctor: I have some bad news. The Obama Death Care Panel just issued a ruling. Im afraid the cost of resetting you daughters ankle is prohibitive — were going to have to put her down.
Girl: Mommy!?
Mother: N-O-O-O-O-O!!!
[ BACK TO PALIN ]
Sarah Palin: Oh, that ones got a hidden message! But not all our programming is fear-based. If you like fun, then youre just going to love our block of afternoon game shows. At 2PM, its Tea Party Wheel of Fortune.
[ GRAPHIC: LETTER BOARD DISPLAYING – OBAMAR IS A TERRIST ]
[ BACK TO PALIN ]
[ GRAPHIC: ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A HALF-TERM GOVERNOR? ]
Sarah Palin: Then at 2:30, catch me in Are You Smarter than a Half-Term Governor? I think youll be surprised by the answer I know I was. And at four, dont miss Elites — the show that takes C-SPAN footage of a bunch of smarty-pants professors talking about who-knows-what and redubs it with the voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown.
[ C-SPAN FOOTAGE of a Johns Hopkins University panel, all speaking mush ala Charlie Browns teacher. ]
Sarah Palin: Do you hate gotcha journalism?
[ GRAPHIC: HEY JOURNALIST, I GOTCHA! ]
Sarah Palin: Then get ready for Hey Journalist, I Gotcha!, where I re-edit my interviews with journalists to make them look like they were woefully unprepared.
INT. NEW YORK CITY HOTEL ROOM SEP. 2008 DAY
Sarah Palin: So Katie, what newspapers do you read?
[ CBS NEWS FOOTAGE of KATIE COURIC listening to Palin. ]
Sarah Palin: Its an easy question, Katie!
[ SAME CBS NEWS FOOTAGE ]
Sarah Palin: Well better luck next time.
[ Palin faces the camera. ]
Sarah Palin: Gotcha!
[ Palin winks. ]
[ BACK TO PALIN ]
Sarah Palin: Its no surprise that sex-crazed Hollywood has a show called Californication. But for those of you with different values, I suggest you tune in to Alaskanence — the show about a single, Alaskan woman who doesnt believe in having sex before marriage whos also struggling to raise three, young children. And what do you get when a renegade, snowmobile cop from Anchorage transfers to New York City?
[ GRAPHIC: TODD! ]
Sarah Palin: Todd!
EXT. DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN NIGHT
[ TODD PALIN, in Arctic Man snowsuit, hops on his snowmobile, zooms off, and fires a 9MM. ]
INT. STAIRWAY CORRIDOR
[ Todd races up the steps, 9MM in hand. He faces the camera. ]
EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER DAY
[ Todd grabs hold of a SUSPECT. ]
Suspect: Hey! Come on, man! Obamas the President you cant do this!
Todd Palin: Yes I can!
[ Todd faces the camera. ]
[ GRAPHIC: TODD! ]
[ BACK TO PALIN ]
Sarah Palin: And hey! Animal lovers! If you like felines and hate bankers, youre not going to want to miss Fat Cats.
[ GRAPHIC: FAT CAT$ ]
[ Footage of cats wearing top hats, with money bags behind them. ]
[ GRAPHIC: PAINTING FOR PATRIOTS WITH NED REDSTONE. ]
Sarah Palin: And if youre for arts programming, theres Painting for Patriots with Ned Redstone.
INT. ART STUDIO
[ NED REDSTONE, who looks like Bob Ross, holds an easel before a canvas painting of nature. ]
Ned Redstone: And if you want to make your cloud a socialist cloud, all you have to do is give him a Hitler mustache.
[ Ned paints a Hitler mustache on the cloud in the painting. ]
[ BACK TO PALIN ]
Sarah Palin: And theres so much more! Like
[ GRAPHIC: MAN IN HELICOPTER WITH A SNIPER RIFLE VS. WILD ]
Sarah Palin: Man in Helicopter with a Sniper Rifle Vs. Wild.
[ GRAPHIC: SO YOU MAKE ME THINK YOU CAN FILL OUT THE CENSUS ]
Sarah Palin: So You Think You Can Make Me Fill Out The Census?
[ GRAPHIC: DATELINE: TO CATCH A LEVI JOHNSTON ]
Sarah Palin: Dateline: To Catch a Levi Johnston
[ GRAPHIC: THATS SO PALIN ]
Sarah Palin: Thats So Palin!
[ GRAPHIC: DANCING WITH THE REAL STARS: AMERICAS SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS ]
Sarah Palin: Dancing with the Stars: Americas Small Business Owners.
[ THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO GRAPHIC ]
Sarah Palin: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
[ GRAPHIC: 30 MAIN STREET ]
Sarah Palin: And last but not least, 30 Main Street. I play parody character Lez Lemons, an uppity bitch, so focused on her career, shes in her late 30s and doesnt have grandchildren.
[ PICTURE OF STEPHEN BALDWIN ]
Sarah Palin (V/O): It also stars Stephen Baldwin
[ PICTURE OF LOUISANA GOVERNOR BOBBY JINDAL DRESSED AS AN NBC PAGE. ]
Sarah Palin (V/O): Governor Bobby Jindal
[ PICTURE OF RNC CHAIRMAN MICHAEL STEELE SHIRTLESS WEARING BLING, DOING THE RIVERDANCE POSE. ]
Sarah Palin (V/O): And RNC chair Michael Steele.
[ BACK TO PALIN ]
Sarah Palin: So there you have it! All Palin, all the time until 2012, when I havent decided what Im going to do, but Im probably gonna run for President. Im Sarah Palin.
…..Seth Meyers The Devil…..Jason Sudeikis Aunt Linda…..Kristen Wiig …..Tina Fey
Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
Tiger Woods on Thursday scored his best first round finish ever at the Masters, so surely that shall be his legacy.
Yesterday Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens, the court’s oldest member, announced plans to retire from the bench. As a young attourney, Stevens cut his teeth on the landmark case of Rock v. Fire.
Apple said Monday that it sold more than 300,000 iPads on the first day of its launch, ushering a new era of people buying things in order to find out what they are.
While testifying before Congress on Wednesday Alan Greenspan, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve said of his time in office, “I was wrong 30 percent of the time.” Well, that’s not bad. For a weather man, or a free-throw shooter, but you were the chairman of the Fed. We need the Fed to be on the pill, and you ran it on the rhythm method.
Seth Meyers: It’s been a tough few weeks for the Catholic Church as allogations of abuse and cover-ups continue to surface from around the world. Here now to comment, the Devil.
[ The Devil rolls in on a chair ]
The Devil: Alright. Hey, thanks for having me Seth.
Seth Meyers: Yeah, it’s good to have you.
The Devil: Did you, did you get that rash I sent you?
Seth Meyers: No.
The Devil: No? Oh, well you will.
Seth Meyers: OK.
The Devil: Yeah, yeah you will. But you’re gonna have fun getting it, so…
Seth Meyers: Alright, OK.
The Devil: There you go. Alright, hey gang. So, look everybody, I’m the Devil. So, you know, I love evil, alright. It’s my thing. And when bad things happen no one is happier than this guy, OK? But priests, messing with kids? No, no that crosses the line, that’s just sick.
Seth Meyers: Oh, so you’re acutally offended by the scandal.
The Devil: Oh yeah. What bothers me Seth, is the hypocrisy of it all, OK? I’m the Devil. What you see is what you get, OK? I rock the cape, I got the horns, I got the big salad fork, alright? [ shows his Devil’s fork ] You know me. You know me, you know the score, alright? But a priest. You’re supposed to be able to trust a priest. The whole thing just bums me out.
Seth Meyers: Well, I, you know I gotta say, you seem upset.
The Devil: Yeah, yeah, I am. And to make matters worse, a spokesman… A spokesman for the Vatican said that this was all, “the Devil’s work.” No, no, no, look, look, look – I do plagues, OK? I do earth quakes. I do all the training for Walgreens cashiers, alright? But I don’t do no cover-up for child molesters, man! OK? I can’t wait for these priests to show up on my turf, OK? We literally have a special place in Hell for them.
Seth Meyers: Oh yeah, where’s that?
The Devil: Oh, it’s awful, it’s awful. It’s a little bit further away from the elevator, you know, so that’s inconvenient, as hell. And, uh, and they all have to share one bathroom, which is always out of paper towels. I mean, it’s Hell, you know, so it’s all pretty bad.
Seth Meyers: Yeah. So what happens when these priests get to Hell?
The Devil: Good question. They get registered, first thing. One of the things I’m proudest of in my time as Devil, which is eternity, is the… is the passing of Damien’s Law, which requires any sex offender priest to register when he comes to Hell, because even demons and gargoyles have the right to know who they’re living with.
Seth Meyers: That’s very nice, that’s a good rule.
The Devil: Thank you.
Seth Meyers: Now, Vatican spokespeople say these accusations about the Pope’s conduct are just petty gossip.
The Devil: Yeah, yeah, you know, how about that, huh? That’s something, isn’t it? You know, I always thought that gossip was supposed to be fun, you know. Gossip is normally stuff like, “hey, did you hear how drunk Tracy from Reception got last night?” It’s not, you know, “did you hear who was molested? Thousands of kids.” That’s not really water cooler talk, OK? Much less holy water cooler talk, if you ask this guy.
Seth Meyers: Yeah, no. So what do you think the church should do?
The Devil: Alright, well, protect its children, not its priests. Look Seth, most priests in the Church are upstanding, devout men, I won’t argue that. But they need to do a better job stopping the creepy ones. I mean, if someone, anyone, ever touched a hair on my son’s head, I would go crazy.
Seth Meyers: Oh, I’m sorry, who’s your son?
The Devil: The TMZ guy. Do people not know that?
Seth Meyers: I don’t think officially, but now that you say it it totally makes sense. So… so what’s next for you?
The Devil: Well, you know, I’m gonna do what I do, you know. Keep whispering in people’s ears to promote the world-wide spread of evil. You know, I still got my modelling career posing for hot sauce bottle labels. Oh, oh, oh! And we’re starting prep work for the second season of Jersey Shore, so look out for that.
Seth Meyers: Well, look man, thank you for being here.
The Devil: Oh, that’s nice, you know, I don’t get that very often.
Seth Meyers: Alright. Well, the Devil, everybody!
FedEx announced this week that it will add four new electric trucks to its delivery fleet. Four electric trucks! Well, let me be the first to say, welcome back glaciers!
The makers of Scrabble announced Tuesday new rules for the game that will allow the use of people, places and other proper nouns, while the makers of Jenga announced new rules allowing the use of glue.
Several yoga studios in cities such as Boston, San Francisco and Los Angeles have begun offering male-only hot nude yoga classes. So enjoy those mats, next class!
It was reported this week that producers have begun casting for an Asian-American version of The Jersey Shore, although I don’t know how successful the show will be, because this is their version of Snooki. [ SUPER: picture of dorky Asian girl playing the violin ]
Spirit Airlines has announced that in August it will start charing as much as $45 each way for a carry-on bag. News which should do wonders for the sale of cargo pants. [ SUPER: picture of a man wearing over-stuffed cargo pants ]
A 102-year-old woman in China has gone back to Elementary School to realize her dream of getting a diploma, and to realize the children’s nightmare of seeing an old lady die. In order to not startle the kids, the lady was introduced as the classroom’s new pet turtle.
Seth Meyers: Well, it’s spring, so it’s a good time to go see a movie. To give us her reviews of some of the ones that are out there, please welcome Aunt Linda!
[ Aunt Linda rolls in on a chair ]
Seth Meyers: So, Aunt Linda, I haven’t seen you in like a year. What have you been up to?
Aunt Linda: Well, if you must know, Nosey O’Donnell, I have been travelling around Maryland trying different crabs.
Seth Meyers: Oh. That sounds nice.
Aunt Linda: Too many shells!
Seth Meyers: Well, we’re glad you’re here.
Aunt Linda: Yeah, well… I’m gonna start off now with a bang and discuss Clash of the Titans. Yes, more like Trash Needs Rewritin’! To be honest, the only reason I saw the thing was to find out why in the heck that Liam Neeson keeps screaming, “release the Kraken!”
Seth Meyers: And?
Aunt Linda: Well, I found out. It’s because the movie smells like it came outta someone’s Kraken, ’cause it stinks! Gah!
Seth Meyers: So I take it you didn’t like that one.
Aunt Linda: I don’t understand why all these 3D movies keep trying to outdo each other. CGI, 3D, oh brother. I got some letter for ya, FU! The only thing I did like about this movie is that I finally got to see a real-life Pegasus! Therefore I’m gonna give this film a “Whaaat?” and an “Oh, Brother!”
Seth Meyers: OK, why don’t we just keep moving.
Aunt Linda: My next film is Tim Burton’s adaptation of Alice In Wonderland. Or what I like to call it, “Alice In Wonder-If-Someone-Put-LSD-In-My-Crystal,” like what is happening in this thing?! The story made no sense from the very beginning, there’s too many colors! And the most distracting thing of all – Helen Obama Carter. [ SUPER: picture of Helena Bonham Carter in character ] Her head was shaped like a heart and her eyes were bugging out like a dead goldfish! Enough with the plastic surgery. So, anyway, I’m gonna give this one “Are You Serious?” and ten “Not This Time, Depp!”
Seth Meyers: Well… I heard some people liked it.
Aunt Linda: Not me. And now it’s time for me to review the 216 movies that came out when I was gone. Let’s begin. Invictus–
Seth Meyers: Oh, I’m sorry, hold on, I’m sorry… we don’t have time for all this.
Aunt Linda: What? You said that I had 45 minutes!
Seth Meyers: No, I said you had 4 to 5 minutes.
Aunt Linda: Oh, cripes, well, I am not gonna leave without mentioning the two most influential movies of the year: Avatar, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s The Tooth Fairy. I hated one and loved the other. Guess.
Seth Meyers: I bet you loved The Tooth Fairy.
Aunt Linda: Plink-o. Therefore, I give The Tooth Fairy a positive review, one “Finally” and three “Oh Yeauhhh.” And I am happy to give Avatar a big, fat “You Gotta Be Tk-Tk-Tk Kidding Me.”
Seth Meyers: Aunt Linda, everyone!
Aunt Linda: Team Bullock!
[ Aunt Linda rolls out ]
Seth Meyers: A spa in China has developed a new therapy treatment in which patients are wrapped in oil-soaked blankets and then set on fire. Make sure to ask for a happy ending, that’s when they throw a bucket of water on you.
A new report warns that gonorrhea is increasingly becoming drug-resistent, and that this new strain of gonorrhea may be incurable. Oh God, I hope not. I do not have room in my life for another 5K walk.
KFC on Tuesday announced plans for the new KFC Double Down, a new breadless sandwich that uses two boneless chicken filets as the bun, with two pieces of bacon, two slices of cheese and some sauce in between. You can also get the combo which includes fries [ SUPER: picture of a piece fried chicken in a French fry container ] and a soda. [ SUPER: picture of a piece of fried chicken with a straw in it ] Or, for only a dollar more, a KFC cashier will stab you in the heart.
Seth Meyers: And now it’s time for the latest instalment of “Women’s News,” with special “Women’s News” correspondent Tina Fey!
[ Tina Fey rolls in on a chair ]
Tina Fey: Thanks, Seth. I think we can all agree that it’s a great time to be a lady in America. We’ve got a lady Secretary of State, a lady Speaker of the House, and in what I see as a very positive step for women, the biggest bitch in Washington is John Baner. It’s good times. Did you know that there a four women in space right now, for the first time in history? And the real sign of progress is that no one cares. Four women in space. Twenty years ago that would have only been possible in a porn movie. Now it’s science. But all is not perfect in Lady Land. I am of course talking about the Oscar curse. The theory is that when a woman wins an Oscar her husband will cheat on her. That’s not an Oscar curse, that’s just a lady curse. Ask Tiki Barber’s wife if she has an Oscar. Oh, you thought you snuck under the radar this week, didn’t you Tiki? No. You left your wife when she was 8 months pregnant with twins. Women see that as leaving your wife when she is 16 months pregnant. We don’t care for it. Look, there’s no such thing as an Oscar curse. The curse is that there are women like “Bombshell” McGee walking around. Oh, brother. I now we shouldn’t judge people based on their appearance, but when your body looks like dirtbag’s binder from seventh-grade Metal Shop, it doesn’t bode well for your character.
[ audience cheers ]
Tina Fey: You know, there’s a term for women like “Bombshell” McGee, they’re called “Bombshell” McGees. Seth, the world has always been full of whores. For every Sandra Bullock there’s a woman who got a tattoo on her forehead because she ran out of room on her labia. For every Elin Nordegren there’s a Hooters waitress who spells Jamie with two E’s and a star. You could be the woman who cures cancer, and you would still be up against some skank rocking giant, veiny fake boobs where the nipples point in different directions like the headlights of an old Buick. But wives, you are not the losers in these situations, you are the winners, because this has to be the loser. “Bombshell” McGee, ugh, I know you’re into like Nazi stuff and white supremacy, but if Hitler were alive today, even he would be like, “Arm Sandra Bullock ist so liebenswert!” [ SUBTITLED: Poor Sandra Bullock is so likeable ] He wouldn’t like you, “Bombshell”. So just keep succeeding, ladies. Things are hard enough for women as it is. For example, on my way here today I had to stop and get my leg and pubic hair ripped out so that I could wear a hooker costume later in a sketch that won’t even air. Did you have to do that today Seth?
Seth Meyers: I didn’t have to, but I did.
Tina Fey: You’re a true friend to women.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update” I’m Seth Meyers, and Tina Fey! Good night!
Air Date:
Summary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) reads Census questions that seek answers of a too-personal nature to suit his political agenda.
Summary: Tina Fey sings “I’m Every Woman” and introduces the entourage that helps her juggle her many roles as a woman.
Summary: Single woman (Tina Fey) indulges her sweet tooth with a romantic fantasy.
Summary: Sarah Palin’s (Tina Fey) new television network includes low-rent TV-movies of the week and a new action series starring husband Todd (Jason Sudeikis).
Summary: Lonely teacher (Tina Fey) indulges in a musical fantasy with twerpy teen student (Justin Bieber).
Summary: Even the Devil (Jason Sudeikis) is offended by latest Catholic Church scandal. Aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig) reviews recent movies. Tina Fey delivers Women’s News.
