Category: 2012

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 03/09/13: Justin Timberlake’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16






























12p: Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

….Justin Timberlake
Doorman…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
…..Paul Simon
…..Steve Martin
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Chevy Chase
…..Martin Short
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tom Hanks
…..Taran Killam
…..Bboby Moynihan
…..Candice Bergen

Announcer: Ladies and gebtlemen — Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: [ laughing ] Ah! Very nice! Thank you! Thank you! Yes — Your check is in the mail! It is GREAT to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the… [ counting on his fingers ] FIFTH time! [ the audience cheers ] There are so many exciting things about hosting five times. You get to see… old friends; you get to try new things; you get to inevitably let everyone down, thanks to overly high expectations — Thanks, Internet! But the BEST part is… they give you one of these: [ he holds up a card ] That’s right, membership into the Five-Timers Club. [ the audience applauds wildly ] In case you don’t know, this is the most exclusive club in New York. Come on — let’s check it out.

[ he runs off Home Base ]

[ dissolve to close-up of door to the Five-Timers Club, as Timberlake approaches and knocks ]

Doorman: Welcome to the Five-Timers Club! We’ve been expecting you, Mr. Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: [ taking it all in ] Wow…

Doorman: Smoking jacket?

Justin Timberlake: Please. Thanks. [ after his jacket is put on him ] This is fantastic! [ he looks up as he hears guitar music ] What? Oh, my God… is that…? [ Paul Simon appears ] Paul Simon!

Paul Simon: [ shaking hands ] Welcome to the club.

Justin Timberlake: Mr. Simon, the honor is mine.

Paul Simon: [ nodding ] I think it is. Hey, uh — would you like to meet some of the other members?

Justin Timberlake: Uh… sure.

Paul Simon: Do you know Steve Martin?

[ Steve Martin stands to thunderous applause ]

Steve Martin: Wellllll, Justin Timberlake. Welcome to the club, ol’ boy. I always thought if an ‘N Sync member made the Five-Timers Club, it would be Joey Fatone.

Paul Simon: No, no, no. Believe me… this is a great addition to the club. He’s a multi-talented guy, he can do everything.

Steve Martin: Sooooo… you play banjo?

Justin Timberlake: Uh… no, no, no, not really…

Steve Martin: Ohhhh. So, not… everything? [ he bites his pipe ] Come on, Justin. Let’s get a drink.

[ they approach the bar, where Dan Aykroyd stands at duty ]

Justin Timberlake: Dan Aykroyd?! You’re a Five-Timer?

Steve Martin: No, no, no. No, Danny here is a bartender. It’s the best he can do, having only hosted once.

Justin Timberlake: But he is original cast — surely, that means something, right?

Steve Martin: [ chuckling heartily ] You’re adorable! [ to Aykroyd ] Cocktail menus?

Dan Aykroyd: Here you are, Mr. Martin.

Steve Martin: Uhhh — let’s keep the chitchat to a minimum, Danny.

[ Aykroyd bows humbly, as Timberlake glances at the menu ]

Justin Timberlake: Uhhh — I’ll have the Kristen Wiig.

Steve Martin: Oh, and, by the way — it’s customary to tip here at the Five-Timers Club. Lucky for Danny.

[ Aykroyd hands Timberlake a wigged cocktail ]

Dan Aykroyd: Your Gilly.

Steve Martin: [ opening his wallet ] Ah — lucky for Danny, I always carry hundreds. Ohh, what luck! I found a One! [ he hands the small bill to Aykroyd ] Come with me, Justin.

Justin Timberlake: [ glancing ] What is this?

Steve Martin: This is the Hall of Portraits. Drew Barrymore: Inducted in 2007; John Goodman: Hosted eleven straight years; and, of course, Chevy.

[ reveal Chevy Chase on the telephone ]

Chevy Chase: Yes, yes… I would like to order one Rolls-Royce… and just send the bill to me, Mr., uh, Steve Martin. Steve! Thank you! [ he tries in vain to hang up the phone, finally succeeding when he actually looks at the handle ]

Steve Martin: Chevy! What a surprise!

Chevy Chase: Steve! I never see you any more!

Steve Martin: I know! It’s a shame!

Chevy Chase: No, it’s on purpose.

Justin Timberlake: [ confused ] Wait… are you guys friends, or not?

Steve Martin: Exactly! [ a beat ] You know, I’m famished. Waiter!

[ Martin Short rushes forward with a tray of hors d’oeuvres ]

Martin Short: Yes! Hors d’oeuvres?

Steve Martin: What?

Chevy Chase: I said… Hors d’oeuvres?

Steve Martin: I believe it’s pronounced… Hoars devoares.

Chevy Chase: Of course, Sir… [ suddenly, he sneezes on the tray, wipes it at Steve’s face with a napkin and recoils at the sight of Chevy’s face ]

Justin Timberlake: Oh, my God…! I just realied I’m standing next to “The Three Amigos”!

Steve Martin: [ humbly ] Well, I guess you’re right.

Justin Timberlake: Is there any chance I could get you guys to do the salute?

Steve Martin & Chevy Chase: No, no… I don’t do that any more…

Chevy Chase: The THREE Amigos! [ he does the salute, much to the audience’s delight ] Sorry.

[ Short rushes off ]

Steve Martin: If there was anywhere else he could go…

[ Alec Baldwin and Tom Hanks enter from the opposite side of the room ]

Alec Baldwin: Hey, you guys! Stop your yammering, and let’s enjoy tonight’s episode!

Justin Timberlake: Alec Baldwin and Tom Hanks!

[ they all shake hands ]

Tom Hanks: Come, Young Justin! You won’t want to miss this!

[ the two men sit on the couch ]

Justin Timberlake: What are we looking at here?

Alec Baldwin: You know, one of the joys, J.T. of being a Fiver is making the cast members FIGHT for your entertainment.

[ Taran Killam and Bobby Moynihan begin to fight mano-a-mano for the men ]

Alec Baldwin: Cover your FACE, Bobby!

Tom Hanks: Yes. You see, unlike us, young cast have to scrap and claw for the chance to be on the show… Gouge his eyes, Taran!!

Justin Timberlake: It seems a little brutal.

Alec Baldwin: No, it’s all in good fun… Finish him, Bobby!!

[ Bobby jumps up and punches an off-camera Taran ]

Tom Hanks: Well done! Well done! Go get yourself a BEER, young man!

Bobby Moynihan: [ weeping ] I killed my friend!

Tom Hanks: And I LOVE Drunk Uncle!

Bobby Moynihan: [ smiling ] Thank you! [ he walks off ]

Alec Baldwin: [ pleased ] So, J.T., a Five-Timer. I remember when I put on the jacket so long ago. I was a different man then: No sudden fits of rage…

Justin Timberlake: [ laughing ] THat’s a good one, Alec!

Alec Baldwin: [ sternly ] It wasn’t a joke, J.T. I’ll let you know when I’m joking.

[ Candice Bergen enters ]

Candice Bergen: Relax, Alec!

Justin Timberlake: Oh! Candice Bergen? The first female member of the Five-Timers Club!

Candice Bergen: And I would like to say something: I, too, wish we had a second bathroom, but… while we’re all sharing, could you please try to remember to leave the toilet seat down?

Tom Hanks: Don’t look at me!

Alec Baldwin: I didn’t do it!

AMartin Short: [ proudly ] I go in the sink!

Justin Timberlake: This place is the BEST! I love being a Five-Timer!

Candice Bergen: Well, then… why don’t you just take advantage of it?

Justin Timberlake: Make it official?

Candice Bergen: That’s right.

Justin Timberlake: We got a great show. EVERYBODY is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 03/09/13: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>










12p: Justin Timberlake

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Stefon…..Bill Hader

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers! Here are tonight’s top stories:

Several anti-American leaders, including Raul Castro and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, on Friday attended the funeral of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. A funeral that was held, I’m guessing, on an island shaped like a skull.

A man in Italy who was dressed like a bishop, Monday, tried to sneak into a meeting of cardinals in the Vatican as they tried to choose a new Pope. [ image: Dennis Rodman dressed like a bishop ] Dude, just mind your own business for a while! You don’t have to be everywhere! We’re good! We’re great without your help.

Mexico’s Carlos Slim tops this year’s list of the richest people in the world, with an estimated wealth of $73 billion — which, in pesos, works out to infinity. Infinity pesos.

Both Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher have confirmed that they will reprise their roles of Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia in the upcoming “Star Wars” sequels. Said another former “Star Wars” actor: [ image: Jar Jar Binks ] “Meesa waitin’ by da phone!”

Hopefully, Hamill and Fisher have aged better than Chewbacca. [ image: Chewbacca with receding hairline ]

The TSA, this week, announced that it will now allow airline passengers to carry previously banned pocket knives, baseball bats and pool cues on planes. And no one’s happier than Honkytonk Bar Fight Airlines.

Playboy, this week, launched a Hebrew language version of their magazine. Although, as far as I know, it could have always been in Hebrew.

And, remember: With the Hebrew edition of Playboy, you look at the models’ breasts from right to left. If you get that — Mazel Tov!

A man in Maine was surprised when he found a knife inside his 2 year-old son’s Elmo birthday cake. And a man in jail was disappointed to get a cake that was just Elmo.

In an effort to stop declining sales, Hooters is now trying to attract women to their restaurants by remodeling their stores and adding salads to the menu. Which is like trying to attract women to your sex dungeon by playing Adele in the background.

This Sunday is Daylight Savings Time, so don’t forget the clock on your oven will be wrong for six months.

Seth Meyers: After a long winter, Spring hits New York in a couple of weeks, and with it will come MILLIONS of springtime tourists. Here with some tips on what they should check out, is our City Correspondent — Stefon!

Stefon: Hiii.

Seth Meyers: Hi, Stefon! It’s been a while

Stefon: I know. This job writing for “Smash” is killing me.

Seth Meyers: Oh. That makes a lot of sense. So, Stefon — a lot of people are anxious to enjoy the city once the weather gets warm. What are some places folks should check out if they’re looking for a Spring outing?

Stefon: If it’s warm and you want to be outed… I know just the place for you: New York’s hottest club is [ high-pitched squeal ] Maaaaaaary! Opened in 1997 by missing Folida woman Lisa Martinez, this club is currently going 90 miles per hour down Westside Highway. This place has EVERYTHING: Charts, graphs, Powerpoint, a guy who still thinks Jamba Juice is good for you. And if you liked Russell Crowe in “Les Misérables”, you might want to hear Jasper the gorilla pass a kidney stone! [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: This place sounds fancy.

Stefon: It is. There’s even a password — The last words of murdered blues legend Sweet Willie Walker.

Seth Meyers: Oh? what were his last words?

Stefon: [ in loud ghetto accent ] “My wallet?! Yeahhhhhhh, right!” [ he folds his arms tightly, then covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… maybe we should try to think a little more family-oriented, you know? A place for the holidays.

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Yessssss! I know just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is [ deep-voiced ] Your Mother And I Are Separating. [ he covers his face with his hands ] Don’t be fooled by the charred Red Lobster sign out front; this club IS a burned-out Red Lobster. And it has EVERYTHING: A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, a sensible dinner, those shoes that nurses wear… And you can dance the night away to the sounds of Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare.

Seth Meyers: What does that sound like?

[ Stefon makes wheezy sleping sounds, then jolts into loud, wheezy, hyperventilating sounds ]

Seth Meyers: You dance the night away to that?

Stefon: Yeah!

Seth Meyers: Well, Stefon — Spring Break is coming up. Any tips for college kids coming to have a safe and fun Spring Break?

Stefon: [ smiling sadistically ] Yesss!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Stefon: Safe and fun. If you’re looking to get hurt and go completely insane, I know JUST the place for you! New York’s hottest club is [ squeezing his hand into a fist and pursing his lips at it ] So-phieeee! Based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire… [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ] Club promoter Joseph Gordon-Fisherman opened a SoHo hotspot located in a haunted diaper. When it comes to Spring Break, this place has EVERYTHING: Chutes, ladders, the outdoor concert from a Zoloft commercial… [ he cracks himself up ] If that’s not enouh for you, you can hit the dance floor with a human fanny pack.

Seth Meyers: Now… for those of us who don’t know, what is a human fanny pack?

Stefon: It’s that thing of when a midget hangs around your waist… and holds your passport in his mouth! [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: I don’t know if this is what we’re looking for…

Stefon: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine! I have two questions: Will you spend Spring Break with me… and Why not?

Seth Meyers: I can’t. I’m taking my serious girlfriend to Mexico.

Stefon: To kill her? [ he crosses his fingers ]

Seth Meyers: No!!

Stefon: [ he pouts ] Well… if you go with me, you can join my Five-Timers Club!

Seth Meyers: [ smiling; curious ] What do I have to do five times?

[ Stefon keeps his lips pursed ]

Stefon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m the future Mrs. Stefon Meyers! Good night!

Seth Meyers: Good night!

[ they hug to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


April 6th, 2013

Melissa McCarthy

Phoenix

None

Dennis Rodman

None

None

Kim Jong-un AddressSummary: Kim Jong-un (Bobby Moynihan) discusses his altered stance on same-sex marriage, as well as his own sexual prowess, with the citizens of North Korea.

Recurring Characters: Kim Jong-un.

Montage

Melissa McCarthy’s MonologueSummary: Melissa McCarthy experiences trouble while trying to perform her monologue in a ridiculously tall pair of high heels.

Outside The LinesSummary: Girls basketball coach Sheila Kelly (Melissa McCarthy) is revealed to have worse courtside etiquette than Mike Rice.

Transcript

The VoiceSummary: The celebrity judges are overenthusiastic for a contestant (Melissa McCarthy) who barely wants to be there.

Recurring Characters: Carson Daly, Shakira, Cee Lo Green.

Note: This sketch was cut in the dress rehearsal for the episode hosted by Louis C.K. earlier in the season.

Honey Baked Ham Bake-OffSummary: This year, Jean Carrera (Melissa McCarthy) has really stepped up the presentation of her baked ham.

Bathroom BusinessmanSummary: Bathroom Businessman lets a businessman (Kenan Thompson) be more productive at work while still taking bathroom breaks, but is it the decent thing to do?

Transcript

Phoenix performs “Entertainment”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy (Vanessa Bayer) explains the story of Passover. Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) comments on the money he’s lost gambling on the NCAA Final Four. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) is too drunk to give his thoughts on tax season, but instead introduces his “Game of THrones”-watching brother-in-law Peter Drunklage (Peter Dinklage).

Recurring Characters: Jacob, Charles Barkley, Drunk Uncle.

Million Dollar WheelSummary: Game show’s eye candy (Melissa McCarthy) turns all the wrong letters as the contestants attempt to solve the word puzzle.

Pizza BusinessSummary: Entrepreneur Barb Kelner (Melissa McCarthy) tries to borrow money from loan officer (Jason Sudeikis) so she can start a business centered on eating clients’ leftover pizzas.

Phoenix performs Trying To Be Cool” and “Drakkar Noir”

The Art of the EncounterSummary: In a 90’s video, Donna Fingerneck (Cecily Strong) and Jody Cork (Kate McKinnon) offer up dating tips that Veronica Shanks (Melissa McCarthy) uses to pick up Mario Ward (Taran Killam).

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Summary:

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13: The Art of the Encounter



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17












12q: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix

The Art of the Encounter

Donna Fingerneck…..Cecily Strong
Jody Cork…..Kate McKinnon
Veronica Shanks…..Melissa McCarthy
Mario Ward…..Taran KillanDates…..Bboby Moynihan, Tim Robinson

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to girls seated on set ]

Donna Fingerneck: Hi! I’m Donna Fingerneck.

Jody Cork: And I’m Jody Cork. Dating in the 90’s is tricky and hard, isn’t it?

Donna Fingerneck: Do you have a hard time starting conversations with men?

Jody Cork: Do you have a hard time keeping a man’s interest?

Donna Fingerneck: Do you have a hard time maintaining a romantic air?

Jody Cork: Do you feel like you’re getting left behind in romance areas?

Donna Fingerneck: Are you ever at a party, and you drop your steak on the floor because you’re so nervous?

Jody Cork: Have you ever missed a party pinata so bad that you did over $400,000 worth of damage?

Donna Fingerneck: Have you?

Jody Cork: Have you?

Donna Fingerneck: Have you? Yes, you have — if you are. Hi! We’re here to put soem tools in your relationship toolbag.

Jody Cork: Watch this love encounter scenario, starring Veronica Shanks and Mario Ward.

Donna Fingerneck: Veronica has her eye on an eligible man. But can she follow our first rule and play it cool?

Jody Cork: Let’s see, by watching!

[ they turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario standing over a punch bowl ]

Veronica Shanks: Mmm… this punch is so good!

Mario Ward: It is! And so is the party music. Mmm… fruit punch!

Veronica Shanks: I didn’t see you there. I’m desperate for a man, and I’ll do ANYTHING to impress you! Do you wanna see me drink from this punch bowl? [ she holds up the bowl and slurps from it ]

Mario Ward: Mmm… that’s not fun. I’m gonna go enjoy the party music away from you. [ he wanders off ]

[ cut back to Donna and Jody ]

Jody Cork: Did you see where Veronica went wrong?

Donna Fingerneck: I know I did.

Jody Cork: Veronica needs to keep it simple.

Donna Fingerneck: She needs to prepare herself with simple conversation starters, like: Sports Scores.

Jody Cork: Blazers.

Donna Fingerneck: Travel mugs.

Jody Cork: Personal Health Scares.

Donna Fingerneck: And Sports Rumors.

Jody Cork: Watch how Veronica keeps the conversation going, using these techniques.

[ they turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario sitting on a park bench ]

Mario Ward: [ checking his watch ] I feel like this bus is NEVER going to arrive!

Veronica Shanks: Hey, did you hear about those SPORTS SCORES?! Their team was one of them!

Mario Ward: [ impressed ] Wow! I didn’t expect a girl like you to know about my interests!

Veronica Shanks: Wait ’til I start talking about BLAZERS and TRAVEL MUGS!

Mario Ward: You really are surprising me with how INTERESTING you are!

Veronica Shanks: What can I do to make you happy? I would do ANYTHING! I would tickle the top of your man-package if that will make you like me more.

Mario Ward: Mmm… you just bored me. You need to work on yourself. [ he stands and walsk away ]

[ return to Donna and Jody ]

Jody Cork: Veronica had a great start there, but once again fell off track.

Donna Fingerneck: Exactly! Did you notice that she didn’t make the right kind of physical contact?

Jody Cork: It’s always great to seal the deal with a touch that isn’t too forward.

Donna Fingerneck: Like cupping his elbows slightly while you bring up one knee.

Jody Cork: Take your tiny finger and tap the fabric of his sweater and say, “Is this real?”

Donna Fingerneck: Use your second and fourth finger to admire his watch.

Jody Cork: Watch Veronica in our last sceneario. I think you’ll see she’s finally put it all together!

Donna Fingerneck: Get ready for a happy ending, as Veronic snags her Mr. Right using our successful tips and techniques.

[ they place their hands to their faces and turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario in a supermarket aisle ]

Mario Ward: Boy… who knew there were so many cereals?

Veronica Shanks: [ laughing, as she grabs his elbows and raises her leg ] I was thinking the same thing!

Mario Ward: You don’t say!

Veronica Shanks: [ touching his sweater ] Hey! That is a nice sweater!

Mario Ward: Thanks! I’d… given up on it.

Veronica Shanks: Do you want to get on the ground now?

Mario Ward: Why?

Veronica Shanks: So I can do the splits on your face!

Mario Ward: I like that! My name’s Mario. Yuo seem submissive, can I buy you dinner?

Veronica Shanks: I’m gonna do the splits now, so you need to get into place!

Mario Ward: Got it!

[ he drops to the ground ,as she crouches over him ]

[ return to Donna and Jody with two men ]

Donna Fingerneck: Way to go, Veronica! We knew you’d get there!

Jody Cork: We did!

Donna Fingerneck: Order now for 248 VHS tapes, and you’ll be in a relationship in no time! We’d love to give you more tips, but our dates are here.

Jody Cork: With corsages!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13: Bathroom Businessman



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17














12q: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix

Bathroom Businessman

Businessman…..Kenan Thompson
Secretary…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on Businessman hard at work in his office ]

Announcer: You work hard. And in this economy… you can’t afford to take a break. [ he eats a sandwich in his officer ] But you’re only human. At some point… [ he checks his watch ] you have to go.

[ the Businessman finally runs to the bathroom ]

Announcer: Did you know the average American wastes FIFTEEN minutes a day in the bathroom?

Businessman: [ thrusting his arms up ] I’m flushing my CAREER down the toilet!

Announcer: Well, now you don’t have to…

[ scene morphs to reveal the Businessman sitting on the toilet while surrounded by office equipment ]

Announcer: With the Bathroom Businessman! It’s a fully functional workspace, where you need it MOST — in the bathroom stall.

Businessman: Well, NOW I can finally get some… [ as he farts ] work done!

Announcer: You’ll get a telephone! A desktop computer! Filing cabinets! Even a paper shredder!

[ the Businessman lights a match to absorb the smell ]

[ cut to Businessman rolling the kit through the main office area ]

Announcer: And the Bathroom Businessman is portable AND discreet.

Secretary: Oh! Should I hold your calls?

Businessman: Uhhhhh — no! Forward them… to the bathroom!

[ he continues on his way, as she looks quizzically in his wake ]

Announcer: Bathroom Businessman is a CINCH to set up. Simply open the briefcase, remove its contents and begin anchoring the shelves. Then wire the fax modem to the nearest dataport, update your network software, and begin assembling the hard drive.

[ the Businessman looks around the stall in great panic ]

Businessman: I can’t reach the toilet! [ he bangs on the door ] And I can’t get out! Help! He…

[ suddenly, he experiences a bowel movement and is helpless to do anything about it in his confined space ]

Businessman: [ crying ] Oh, no… I just shit in my pants!

[ scene freezes, as public service text appears on-screen ]

Announcer: Don’t let it come to this. Stop texting and checking e-mail on the toilet. Nothing’s that important. And it’s disgusting.

[ dissolve to animated text: ]

Announcer: This has been a public service mesage for Decency.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17




12q: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix

Goodnights

…..Melissa McCarthy

Melissa McCarthy: I want to say Thanks to Phoenix, Dennis Rodman, Peter Dinklage! Thank you, New York! Thank you, SNL! I had the time of my life!!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13: Outside The Lines



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17






















12q: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix

Outside The Lines

Sheila Kelly…..Melissa McCarthy
Bob Ley…..Bill Hader
Bill Crenshaw…..Tim Robinson
Professor…..Bobby Moynihan
Kenny Watkins…..Jay Pharoah

Announcer: [ over footage of Mike Rice ] This week — Video surfaced of Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice beating, pushing, and using slurs against his players. The ensuing outrage led to rice’s termination. But Mike Rice’s behavior — while shocking — seems gentle when compared to the actions of this woman: [ reveal Sheila Kelly ] Sheila Kelly, Head Coach of Division III’s Middle Delaware State.

[ cut to footage ]

Bob Ley V/O: Tonight, we investigate Sheila Kelly’s reign of terror on “Outside The Lines”.

[ cut to footage of Sheila Kelly on the basketball court ]

Bob Ley V/O: Sheila Kelly has long had a fiery reputation among her peers. But this week, “Outside The Lines” obtained practice video showing exactly how far she has gone to motivate her players. Cursing at them…

Sheila Kelly: I will fucking cut that ponytail off!

Bob Ley V/O: Throwing basketballs…

[ she throws a basketball at a player ]

Bob Ley V/O: Shooting T-shirt guns…

Sheila Kelly: You can’t fucking hide from me! [ she fires a t-shirt at the team as they cower atop the bleachers ]

Bob Ley V/O: Throwing bricks at them…

Sheila Kelly: [ as a player misses a shot ] Guess what? BRICK!! [ she throws a brick at the player ]

Bob Ley V/O: Threatening them with a baseball bat…

Sheila Kelly: You take THAT ball… and you put it through THAT hole… and I won’t hit you with the bat!

Bob Ley V/O: …while they’re on roller skates. Even forcing the players to serve her meals.

Sheila Kelly: Where’s the bread? Where is the bread?! [ a player rushes bread forward ] That’s shitty, shitty bread! [ she throws pieces at the player ] You — eat that!

[ the player relunctantly eats the scrap ]

Bob Ley V/O: I sat down with Delaware State Athletic Director Bill Crenshaw, to ask why Coach Kelly was still ith the team.

[ cut to Bill Crenshaw ]

Bill Crenshaw: Is Coach Kelly unconventional? Sure! Have most, if not all, of the players come to my office and BEGGED for me to replace her? Uhhhhh… YEAH!! But playing college ball isn’t supposed to be easy or fun or rewarding. It’s supposed to make money for the university! And let’s not forget that these kids have it GOO-OOD! They’re all gettig a FREE education!

Bob Ley V/O: While it is true members of the team receive scholarships, “Outside The Lines” has obtained classroom video that calls into question the quality of that education.

[ cut to Professor teaching, as Sheila Kelly rushes into the classroom ]

Sheila Kelly: Yeah, you want to play basketball?! Huh?! Huh?! Do you?! [ she throws basketballs at the students ]

Professor: I’m gonna have to ask you to LEAVE!!

[ Sheila Kelly rushes forward and tazes the professor, then holds up her taser in front of the class ]

Sheila Kelly: Now, who’s next?! Who wants…? I’ll tella ya’! [ she points to a student ] YOU!! You’re next! [ she chases the student, tasing others along the way ]

Professor: [ standing ] Coach Kelly… please stop…

[ she tazes the professor again, then chases the student out of the classroom ]

Bob Ley V/O: We sat down with one-time Assistant Coach Kenny Watkins, who claims the tapes didn’t even show the worst of it.

[ cut to interview footage ]

Kenny Watkins: She said some of the nastiest things I’ve ever heard. Things like, “You must have (bleep) up your butt, ’cause every time you dribble I can see your (bleep), If I wanted to see (bleep) bangin’ (bleep), I’d bring a (bleep) to a truck stop.” It doesn’t even make sense! And I recorded it all. You come back later today, and I’ll play you the tapes.

Bob Ley V/O: But when we came back the next day, Kenny Watkins had changed his tune.

Kenny Watkins: [ with bandage on nose ] I was just joking! Coach Kelly is the BEST!

[ reveal Sheila Kelly staring through the window behind Bob Ley ]

Bob Ley: Is everything all right?

[ in the window, Sheila Kelly makes a slashing motion at her throat ]

Bob Ley V/O: After weeks of dodging our request, Coach Kelly finally agreed to an interview.

[ cut to the one-on-one interview ]

Bob Ley: Can I show you a clip from practice?

Sheila Kelly: I don’t know, can you?

[ Bob Ley plays a clip of Sheila Kelly throwing a toaster at one of her players ]

Sheila Kelly: Yeah, you know why I threw a toaster at you?! ‘Cause you’re TOAST! ‘Cause you’re a piece of shit! You’re a piece of shit on toast! Pick that toaster up! Pick it up!

[ return to the interview ]

Bob Ley: Why would you throw a toaster at a player?

Sheila Kelly: Because when someone blows by you, you’re TOAST! When you get toast and you are toast… you get hit with a toaster! Or, to put it in terms that you might understand: “Durrrrrr!! Duh durrrrrr! Duhhhh! Durrrrrr!! Duhhh! Duhhh! Duhhhh!”

Bob Ley: You seem defensive.

Sheila Kelly: What? You’re attacking me! I mean, it’s not like I drive a golf cart through practice!

[ cut to footage ]

Bob Ley V/O: But she has.

[ Sheila Kelly drives through practice on a golf cart ]

Sheila Kelly: Dribble, dodge, dribble, or dodge me! Quick feet! Quick feet! Quick feet! You don’t move, I’m gonna barrell you! Yeah, move! Move! You always move!

[ return to interview ]

Bob Ley: Let me read you your record as Head Coach…

Sheila Kelly: Good! Go ahead, do it!

Bob Ley: Over the course of three seasons, your teams were a combined 3 and 81.

Sheila Kelly: [ she shrugs ] Is that my fault? All my best players were injured.

Bob Ley: Were you the one who injured them?

Sheila Kelly: I’m not answering that question.

Bob Ley: I’d like an answer.

Sheila Kelly: And I’d like you… to… shut… the… HELL… UP!!

Bob Ley: Why do you have a basketbal in your lap?

Sheila Kelly: Why don’t you keep asking me that question, and you’re gonna find out.

[ cut to Bob Ley live, with bloody nose ]

Bob Ley: I did keep asking questions, and what I found out was that I had provoked her — and it was my fault. Next week on “Outside the Lines”, the heartwarming story of a college football coach who harvests the organs of his players and then SELLS them for personal gain. [ he chuckles ]

[ cut to title graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Vince Vaughn: 04/13/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 18


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


April 13th, 2013

Vince Vaughn

Miguel

None

Steve Jones

None

Monica Padrick

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: In discussing his gun control legislation, President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) allows Senator Joe Manchin (Jason Sudeikis) and Senator Patrick Toomey (Bill Hader) to outline some of the zanier clauses on the bill’s bipartisan agreement.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Vince Vaughn’s MonologueSummary: Because the audience is who matters most during a live “SNL” performance, Vince Vaughn mingles among them to help them maintain their focus and ensure the show goes well.

Transcript

The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic SeriesSummary: Al Pacino (Bill Hader) dons different wigs in order to portray famous accused murderers in a series of televised biopics.

Transcript

Stormy SkiesSummary: The new original soap opera on The Wesher Channel features an extramarital affair alongside a three-day forecast.

Recurring Characters: Al Roker.

History of PunkSummary: Documentary footage details the political leanings of punk rocker Ian Rubbish (Fred Armisen), a staunch anarchist except where the life of Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher was concerned.

Short Term Memory Loss TheaterSummary: (Bill Hader) joins in a performance of “Howl of the Landlord” with the Short Term Memory Loss Players.

Miguel performs “Adorn”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Brad Paisley (Jason Sudeikis) and L.L. Cool J (Kenan Thompson) comment on the unusual backstory of their new rap-country hybrid “Accidental Racist”. Marina Chapman (Kate McKinnon) relates her story of being raised by monkeys.

Junior PromSummary: Rich Man From the Hill (Vince Vaughn) donates money for North Side Junior High School’s prom, then comes down to help liven up the festivities.

Roundball RockSummary: At a 1990 meeting with NBC Sports, John Tesh (Jason Sudeikis) and his brother Dave (Tim Robinson) perform “Roundball Rock” with unnecessarily loud lyrics.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Louis C.K. earlier in the season.

Transcript

Miguel performs “How Many Drinks”

Last Call IISummary: Drunken (Vince Vaughn) and Sheila Sovage (Kate McKinnon) hit if off after they’re the last singles left in the bar at closing time.

Recurring Characters: Sheila Sovage.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Summary:

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Vince Vaughn: 04/13/13: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17






12r: Vince Vaughn / Miguel

Goodnights

…..Vince Vaughn

Vince Vaughn: Thank you, guys! As promised — [ he pulls out Eric’s cell phone ] Eric, you’re a gem. Here you go, thank you very much! [ he hands the cell phone back to Eric, then returns to Home Base ] Thank you very much to Miguel! Most importantly — Thanks to all of YOU GUYS, and to you at home! Thank you so much! Appreciate it! Good night! [ he blows a kiss ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Vince Vaughn: 04/13/13: Vince Vaughn’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17












12r: Vince Vaughn / Miguel

Vince Vaughn’s Monologue

…..Vince Vaughn

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Vince Vaughn!

Vince Vaughn: Yeah! Alright! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! It’s great to be with you guys. This is my second time hosting the show. My first was a long time ago — It was 1998. But I do remember what I think is the MOST important lesson that I learned from that show, that the most important people that are here tonight — It’s not the cast… it’s not the writers… it’s not the crew… and, contrary to popular belief, it’s not even me. I know what you’re thinking — and I like it! — but the most important people here tonight… is the AUDIENCE! It’s YOU GUYS! [ the audience cheers wildly ] I’m not sucking up to you caged animals — I love your energy! And that’s exactly what we’re gonna need tonight. Because the fact of the matter is — Where you guys go, the show goes. We FEED off your energy! You are the fuel for the rocketship which is “Saturday Night Live”.

So with that in mind, I want to make sure that we’re all on the same page… I’d like to step into the audience, kick the tires a little bit, and just make sure we’re all to the right start. Are we comfortable with that?

[ the audience cheers wildly, as Vaughn steps into the audience an approaches a young woman in the front row ]

Vince Vaughn: Please stand up, please. [ she stands ] This is live television, and you are an angel. You’re made of nothing but sugar and breakaway glass. Now, what is your name?

Paige: Paige.

Vince Vaughn: Paige! Paige, everybody. Now, Paige, uh — I find it to be a beautiful name and, might I add, that you’re also a beautiful lady.

Paige: Thank you very much!

Vince Vaughn: Now, how are you feeling this evening?

Paige: I’m feeling… very excited to be here.

Vince Vaughn: Well, I’m glad that Paige is feeling excited to be here. Paige, I’m gonna go ahead, and I’m just gonna put this out there: I like your face. I do. I like the energy that comes off it, and the kindness in your eyes, the experience that you have underneath those eyelids, and, uh… I’m gonna need that face to be here for me all night long. I want you to be my angel in the outfield.

Paige: I’m there!

Vince Vaughn: Okay, good. Now… what do I mean by that? It means I’m gonna need your focus. I’m gonna need your support. I’m gonna need your belief. And that doesn’t just go for me — It goes for Mr. Hader, for in this scene, for everyone on that stage. Can we count on you?

Paige: Absolutely!

Vince Vaughn: Now, Paige — If I look out in the audience… and you are daydreaming and you’ve lost your focus… you’re gonna put this tall drink of water into a tailspin. That’s a promise. It’s gonna be Meltdown City. I don’t want to put the pressure on you, or — or — or transport my anxiety on you, but I need a wonder tremor. Are you gonna be there for me?

Paige: Yes! Absolutely!

Vince Vaughn: I can count on that. And I dig you in a VERY serious way. And the last thing I want to say to you is: I’m gonna move on… but you’ve made your mark. Okay? You sit it down. You’re gold, you’re SOLID gold! [ she sits, as the audience applauds wildly ] Let’s see what else we’ve got. I like what’s happening so far! [ he approaches a young man ] Sir! Stand on up, please. [ he stands ] Let’s get the fellas involved. How are you?

Eric: Great. I… I’m very nervous!

Vince Vaughn: Well, I don’t want you to be! Because that’s what we have to get out of the way, right? We’re a team. We’re a tram on this thing. Now, what is your name?

Eric: Eric.

Vince Vaughn: Eric. That’s a fantastic name, so, right off the bat, you’re doing terrific. Now, here’s a question: Have you been drinking?

Eric: No.

Vince Vaughn: Okay.

Eric: But I plan to.

Vince Vaughn: You plan to? Like a fun night out, or like I just got the ankle bracelet off? What kind of drinking?

Eric: Uh… the ankle bracelet off.

Vince Vaughn: Got the ankle bracelet off. Let’s keep it together until then. Now, Eric, in knowing that, I have to ask you: Do your friends often ask you at events to turn off your cellphone?

Eric: No.

Vince Vaughn: They don’t? Okay, and why is that?

Eric: Uhhhhh… I don’t know.

Vince Vaughn: Because it’s probably off. Now, you’re scaring me. Let’s look. Pull it out. Well, now I want to see if they do want to talk to you. I want to turn that tape around. If we do one thing tonight — we’ll stay here all night, this’ll become a one-man show with you, Eric. Oh, yeah. We’ll get you naked in a bath tub, we’ll break down some walls. Can I see your phone, please? I want to make sure this is off. [ Eric hands his cellphone over ] Okay… it is off. That’s a good sign. Now — I want you to treat tonight like a live performance that you’re a part of. This is like a sporting event, where you want to, like, get a photo of the touchdown, so you can prove to your friends that you were there. These cameras are better at capturing what’s gonna happen on stage than this thing ever is. I’m not saying it’s a bad-quality phone — I don’t want a lawsuit — I’m just saying, these guys do a great at capturing things. And I also believe it’s better, sometimes, to take the memories with our hearts and with our minds. That’s not just for Eric — That’s for all you kids out there tonight. It’s okay to put down the phones and be a part of the memory. That lasts a lifetime as well. Eric, here’s what I’m gonna have to say to you: I don’t know if you’re capable of making good decisions. I’m gonna keep the phone for the show. I’m gonna give it back you — if you give the right energy, which I know you’re gonna do, so this is a foregone conclusion. This has already happened. Picture me — The show went great, and I’m handing you the phone. But that’s not happening now. I’m keeping the damn phone until the show is over, okay? You’re gonna get it back. If things go bad, I’m gonna text some people, I might break it. Sit down, I dig where you’re coming from. [ Eric sits ] Guys, let’s fill his cup with love– This is a man who deserves it. [ the audience cheers ] Paige, how you doing? Still my Number One. Still my NUmber One. I say: As Paige goes, the show goes. Yuo guys feel me on that? [ the audience cheers, as he aproaches an older man ] Alright, what’s your name?

Adrian: Adrian.

Vince Vaughn: Adrian, stand on up. [ he stands ] You look like a sailor and a gentleman. How are you, Adrian?

Adrian: Doing fine.

Vince Vaughn: Okay, Adrian’s doing fine. Now, Adrian, let me ask you a question: Are yuo excited to see the show?

Adrian: I couldn’t be more excited!

Vince Vaughn: That’s very nice to hear. Now, how long have you been waiting to get in?

Adrian: Three years.

Vince Vaughn: I — Are you being serious?

Adrian: Yeah.

Vince Vaughn: What’s been the process?

Adrian: It’s been e-mail after e-mail.

Vince Vaughn: Okay…

Adrian: Lots of pressure.

Vince Vaughn: I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. We’ve gotta get this guy out of here. Ha ha ha? Ha ha ha? [ Bobby Moynihan appears ] Get him out of here, Bobby. Take him out of here. I’m serious. We’re not gonna deal with security, I’m gonna let Bobby do it. With a nice consolation — Give him a Drunk Uncle on the way out, make him feel good about it. That guy has a darkness about him. There’s a darkness inside that man, there’s a scary energy in that man… there’s someone you’re gonna read about inside that man… We’re not about that tonight! Now, even in the movie “Patton”, you had to shoot a couple mules — I’m not saying Adrian’s a mule, I’m not saying he’s not a mule. But you had to shoot them for the whole company to accomplish what they wanted to accomplish, right? [ he sighs heavily, then glances down at Paige ] There you are, baby! I gotta tell you: [ a beat ] I feel like you let me down, Paige. I feel like you’re supposed to protect me from the worst me… and here I fell apart, and this nice man, Adrian, I went and threw out and I feel AWFUL about it. Bobby, can you go ahead and bring Adrian back? [ Bobby returns with Adrian ] And get Paige out of the building — Get her the hell out of here! Get her out of here! She’s a DISEASE, Bobby, get her out of here! [ Bobby escorts Paige away ] Bring her back! Bring her back! Bring her back! [ Bobby returns with Paige ] Bring her back! And not because I should, Paige — Not because I should. Stand up here. We’re gonna have a little heart-to-heart before we start this. [ Paige stands ] I think the entire audience is bhind me when I say I should throw you out of here in that lovely dress. But — I’ve fallen in love with Paige in this short time… and I’m not capable of it. I don’t have the skills to navigate this relationship in a way that’s healthy for me. So, Paige, I’m gonna count on you. Hopefully, you’ve read some books and watched some shows, and you know how to put up some boundaries with a man. Is that true?

Paige: Absolutely!

Vince Vaughn: Okay. Then, I’m gonna count on you. Guys, let’s learn from this together. We went through something tough tonight. Paige, sit down. [ she sits ] Thank you for being my concubine. Adrian, Eric, all of you…

[ Vaughn returns to Home Base, as the audience cheers wildly ]

Vince Vaughn: No, no! No, no! That’s not what we’re about here. The applause don’t start yet, because you’re PART of the team. And that goes for everyone at home, too. Let’s get some focus tonight, guys. You don’t think we can feel it through the lens? Ha ha! Guess again. ‘Cause we can. Turn on your heartlights. Feed us the fuel for this plane to take off. And we’re gonna have a great show. I think we can light this thing up tonight! Am I right? [ the audience cheers wildly ] Guys, we have a great show! Yuo guys are a great audience! Miguel is here! We’ll be right back! Let’s ROCK this thing!

SNL Transcripts