Category: 2012

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17

12r: Vince Vaughn / Miguel

A Message from the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Sen. Joe Manchin…..Jason Sudeikis
Sen. Patrick Toomey…..Bill Hader

Announcer: [ over Presidential Seal ] And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama at podium ]

President Barack Obama: Uh — Thank you! Thank you very much. Uh — Good evening, my fellow Americans. As you know… over the past few months… I have made gun control legislation… a top priority for my administration. Which is why I am so excited to annouce that, this week, the Senate voted 68 to 31… to begin debating… the IDEA… of discussing un control! Uh — uh — uh, let me say that again: They’ve agreed to THINK ABOUT… TALKING about gun control! Amazing! Nowwwww… with me tonight are Democratic Senator Manchin and Republican Senator Patrick Toomey.

[ the two senators appear next to Obama ]

Sen. Joe Manchin: They both worked very hard — TOGETHER! — to bang out a bipartisan agreement. These men risked EVERYTHING… for this bill. I mean, Senator Manchin represents West Virginia! And he’s proposing gun reform? He’s gonna lose a job! And Senator Toomey… This man is a Republican who is willing to make just the slightest compromise on gun control? He’s gonna lose a job, too! But that’s what it takes to achieve COMPROMISE! So… why don’t you tell the folks at home, uhhh, what you’ve accomplished?

Sen. Patrick Toomey: We — we’d rather not.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Ohhhh, no! Go ahead! Tell them!

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Uh, well, uh — First of all, most Americans agree we need stricter background checks. If our bill passes, no individual can purchase a handgun from a private dealer without being asked: “Are you a good person?” As well as the follow-up question: “Seriously, are you?”

Sen. Joe Manchin: Uh, we’re also hoping to limit the amount of ammunition you can carry in magazines. Uhhh — we did not do that. No.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: But, uh — we HAVE to agreed to limit the number of guns you can shoot at once… to two.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Anyone caught shooting more guns at the same time, we prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm. Unfortunately, the punishment os we give you a fourth gun.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: [ shaking his head ] I don’t know how that happened…

Sen. Joe Manchin: It was a compromise, I think… yes.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Also — We’re very proud of this — We were able to ban AK-47s from all coin-operated vending machines. And the Papa John’s promotion — Buy 2 medium pizzas, get a free gun — has been COMPLETELY outlawed!

Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm. That’s right. Oh — except on weekends! And, uh, during the Super Bowl.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Of course, this might go without saying, but… none of these restrictions would apply to Florida. Uhhhh… we don’t know why.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It definitely should…

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: But they just don’t. I don’t know, it’s a weird…

Sen. Joe Manchin: It is weird!

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s weird.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah, it’s weird! ‘Cause I know we typed, you know, Florida, into the bill, but when we printed it out, you know, I mean, it’s just not there!

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s spooky!

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah!

Sen. Patrick Toomey: A spooky thing.

Sen. Joe Manchin: So, is this bill what we wanted? No. Is it what the NRA wanted? No. But does it at least help in some small way?

Sen. Patrick Toomey: No.

Sen. Joe Manchin: No. Probably not.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It doesn’t. We are confident that this bill will pass the Senate, and will then go to the House of Representatives where it will IMMEDIATELY get shot down.

Sen. Joe Manchin: That’s right. And that is not a metaphor. They will literally THROW the bill up in the air and SHOOT it with a gun! I’ve seen it done.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Yeah!

Sen. Joe Manchin: C-Span gets a little rowdy sometimes.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s a sight! So, in summary, uhhhh… [ he shrugs his shoulders ] You’re welcome?

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah, I guess…

Sen. Patrick Toomey: So we turn it back to you, Mr. President.

[ they step aside ]

Sen. Joe Manchin: You see? That’s what I’m up against, America. Plus: Jay-Z keeps rapping bout how I let him go to Cuba. I thought that guy was on my side? Allow me to re-intoduce myself: I’m the President! [ he shakes his arms and shoulders ] And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiighttttt!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17

12r: Vince Vaughn / Miguel

The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic Series

Al Pacino…..Bill Hader

Announcer: This May on HBO: You loved Al Pacino as Dr. Kevorkian in “You Don’t Know Jack”.

[ cut to Pacino as Kevorkian in a courtroom setting ]

Dr. Jack Kevorkian: I didn’t kill NOBODY!! They WANTED To die!

Announcer: Then you loved him in ANOTHER bio-pic about ANOTHER convicted murderer: Phil Spector!

[ cut to Pacino as Spector in a courtroom setting ]

Phil Spector: These cats… are trying to SET! ME! UP!!

Announcer: Now: Get ready for a whole SERIES of bio-pics about accused murderers, ALL played by Al Pacino! Starting with Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber!

[ cut to Pacino as Kaczynski holding a bomb in his shack ]

Ted Kaczynski: Geez Louise! I gotta put, like, 30 steps on this thing! And I’m the crazy one?!

Announcer: Then: Watch him transform into tabloid sensation Amanda Knox!

[ cut to Pacino as Knox in a courtroom setting ]

Amanda Knox: I may be a SEX maniac… but I ain’t no murderer! [ he pats his hair down ] I’m a girl…

Announcer: Then: Pacino does DOUBLE-DUTY, playing BOTH Menendez Brothers! And he makes a VERY strong choice for the accent.

[ cut to Pacino as the Menendez Brothers in a courtroom setting ]

Menendez Brother #1: [ in a Scarface accent ] Hey, Bro! This trial is loco, man!

Menendez Brother #2: [ in a Scarface accent ] Dios mio! Dis is what dey mean by GRINGO JUSTICE!

[ they both turn to face the camera ]

Menendez Brother #2: TA-KEEL-AHHHHH!!! [ they tango ]

Announcer: It’s like you’re RIGHT there in the courtroom, along with — you guessed it — Captain Franscesco Schettino… that Italian ferry captain who drove a cruise ship onto the rocks.

[ cut to Pacino as Schettino being led out of the courtroom ]

Captain Franscesco Schettino: [ in thick Italian accent ] Now that’s a spicy BOAT TRAAAAPP!!

Announcer: Then: Watch him disappear into the role of Conrad Murray, the DOCTOR who KILLED Michael Jackson!

[ cut to Pacino as black-faced Murray in a courtroom setting ]

Dr. Conrad Murray: I didn’t kill NO ONE, mon! [ he looks off-camera ] Is this cool? I don’t know, is this cool? [ he turns to face the Black actor playing the judge ] Is this alright? [ the actor nods ] You cool with this? [ the judge shrugs his shoulder ] Alright, heyyyy! [ they fist-bump ]

Announcer: And with performances like THESE, Oscar is SURE take note! Oscar Pistorius, that is — who Pacino ALSO plays in his upcoming biopic ]

[ cut to Pacino as Pistorius in a courtroom setting ]

Oscar Pistorius: Say Hello… to my LITTLE LEGS!! [ he raises each prosthetic blade leg ] BOOM! BOOM!

Announcer: The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic Series!

Second Announcer: Paid for by the National Wig Alliance.

[ cut to Pacino in a Pippi Longstocking wig seated in the judge’s chair ]

Al Pacino: I order YOU… to see these movies!

[ his pigtails rise ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17

12r: Vince Vaughn / Miguel

Roundball Rock

Executive…..Kate McKinnon
Reggie…..Kenan Thompson
Mr. Lavender…..Vince Vaughn
Secretary…..Aidy Bryant
John Tesh…..Jason Sudeikis
Dave Tesh…..Tim Robinson

[ open on NBC Sports Office, 1990 ]

Executive: And then on Sunday, we’ve got the BUlls and the Trailblazers — it’s Jordan vs. Drexler.

Reggie: Ohhhh!

Mr. Lavender: Oh. that’ll be a GREAT match-up — two world-class athletes.

[ extended beat, as everyone waits for the Secretary to enter ]

Secretary: Uh… excuse me, Mr. Lavender. John Tesh is here.

Mr. Lavender: Oh, great! Send him in!

Secretary: Okay! [ she exits ]

Mr. Lavender: You guys know Tesh. This guy is AMAZING! You know, he wrote the theme to “Entertainment Tonight”.

John Tesh: [ entering ] KNOCK-KNOCK! Hello!

Mr. Lavender: There he is — Mr. Entertainment Tonight!

John Tesh: [ laughing ] How you guts doing? Hello, everyone! This is my brother right here — Dave Tesh!

Dave Tesh: Pleasure! Pleasure!

Mr. Lavender: I did not know that you had a brother!

John Tesh: Oh, yeah, I know. He’s not just my brother, he’s also the GENIUS in the family!

Dave Tesh: Meanwhile, I’m blushing!

[ the two Teshes laugh ]

Mr. Lavender: Well, John, when my boss told me that we need a new theme song for “The NBA On NBC”, I knew what time it was: Tesh-Thirty!

[ they all laugh ]

John Tesh: That’s very good! Okay, well, let’s see what we’ve got for you. We’ve written a song that we like to call “Roundball Rock”. Now, it started as one of David’s poems here, but then it just grew into something bigger than both of us could ever imagine. It’s me on keys… and Dave singing.

Mr. Lavender: Can you believe this is our job? Alright, fire away!

John Tesh: Alright, ready to do this?

Dave Tesh: Uh, yes, I am!

John Tesh: Alright!! 2, 3, 4! [ he bangs on the keyboard ]

Dave Tesh: [ singing ]
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!
Gimme gimme, gimme the ball!
Because I’m gonna… DUNK IT!!”

John Tesh: WHOO!!

[ they high-five ]

Dave Tesh: [ singing ]
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!
Gimme gimme, gimme the ball!
Because I’m gonna… DUNK IT!!”

John Tesh: YEAH!!

[ they high-five ]

Dave Tesh: [ singing ]
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!
Gimme gimme, gimme the ball!
Because I’m gonna… DUNK IT!!”

John Tesh: DO IT!!

[ they high-five ]

Dave Tesh: [ singing ]
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball….!”

Mr. Lavender: Hold on, guys! Please stop!!

John Tesh: WHOO!! Alright, now THAT’S how you do it, baby!

Dave Tesh: That was JUST getting hot!

John Tesh: You are in SUCH good voice today, Buddy!

Dave Tesh: Thank you, Brother!

Mr. Lavender: Wow! I mean, that was great guys, but… You know what? I was wondering: Could we hear it again, but… you know, with the lyrics separated out?

John Tesh: Huh? Really?

Dave Tesh: Uh… okayyyy…

John Tesh: That’s weird! Uh — are you okay with that?

Dave Tesh: If… you are… I guess…?

John Tesh: Uh… yeah! Sure, we can do that. Alright, here we go. Uh… [ he clear his throat ] Alright — 2, 3, 4!

Dave Tesh: [ singing ]”Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!Gimme gimme, gimme the…”

[ the executives stop him ]

Executive: I’m sorry! [ she laughs ] I think we weren’t clear. We actually meant, could we hear it with just the music?

John Tesh: Oh. Uh… I defer to you, I…

Dave Tesh: Uh… my gut is “Nooooo.”

Mr. Lavender: I understand. You’re an artist, and I get that. But I think we’re just curious what it would sound like… without the lyrics.

John Tesh: [ stunned ] Okay. Okay, fine. I mean, it… it feels crazy… but, uhhh… sure, alright. 2, 3, 4! [ he half-heartedly runs his hands along the keyboard as the music plays ] I don’t know… it has no pop.

Dave Tesh: [ singing ]”Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!!”

Mr. Lavender: STOP!! Please! Please! Dave! I couldn’t help but notice that the singing came back in there!

Dave Tesh: I’m sorry, it just seems incomplete!

John Tesh: It is! It is! I mean, it’s a lyrics-first song! I mean, what’s the problem?

Executive: Well, the lyrics are a little repetitive.

Dave Tesh: Uhhh… basketball’s a little repetitive!

Reggie: I-I… I feel like we just prefer the song better without the lyrics.

Dave Tesh: Uhhh… okay! [ he scoffs ] Okay, but without the lyrics, how will people know it’s about basketball?

Executive: Well, we’ll be playing it over clips of basketball.

John Tesh: That’s not an answer.

Dave Tesh: What about… blind people?

John Tesh: Exactly!

Dave Tesh: They’re gonna be, like: [ waving his hands ] “Well, what the heck is this song about…?”

John Tesh: Come on! Our music is for ALL people!

Mr. Lavender: Okay, look… Teshes. I get it. I love your guys’ spirit. But here’s the situation: If we can buy the instrumental version, it’s a deal. If there are lyrics… it’s no deal.

[ Dave sighs heavily ]

John Tesh: Wow…

Dave Tesh: Wowwwwwww!!

John Tesh: Wow! Okay. Alright. Well, uh… You know what, then? NO DEAL!!

Dave Tesh: I cannot believe this!

John Tesh: YOU ARE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE!! YOU GUYS STINK!! And this network is a DUMP! Hey, you know what?! In fact, I say we make it look MORE like a dump!! [ he grabs a vase and shatters it ] How about THAT?!! What do you think, Dave?

Dave Tesh: I am one step ahead of you, Brother! [ he whips out a tiny hammer ]

John Tesh: Mmm-hmm! HAMMER TIME!!

[ they use their tiny hammers to shatter vases and glass-framed photos around the office, as the executives watch with stunned horror ]

Dave Tesh: [ smashing Mr. Lavender’s coffee mug ] Yeah!! Thatta boy, Johnny!! Thatta boy!!

[ cut to John Tesh gleefully dousing a can of gasoline over his keyboard ]

Mr. Lavender: What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

Reggie: [ into it now ] That’s right!! Burn it down, Teshes!!

Mr. Lavender: No, Reggie!! Don’t encourage them!! Teshes, STOP!!

Dave Tesh: Johnny!! Johnny!! [ he swats the lighter out of John’s hand ] Snap out of it, boy!! [ he slaps him in the face ] Get with me!! Get with me!!

John Tesh: Oh, my God…!! What have we done?! We did it again…!

Dave Tesh: Yeah!

John Tesh: Ohhhhh, no!

Dave Tesh: Look — We did NOT want this to GO this way!

Mr. Lavender: Then why did you bring little hammers and a can of gasoline?

John Tesh: Because we thought it might go this way… Yeah.

Dave Tesh: You know what?

John Tesh: What?

Dave Tesh: You take this one alone, Johnny.

John Tesh: But what about you?

Dave Tesh: Don’t you worry about ME!! [ John plays a soft ballad on the keyboard ] This isn’t the last you’re gonna hear of ol’ Dave Tesh! Besides — I’ve got the BEST brother in the world!

John Tesh: [ he breathes deeply ] I love you, Dave!

Dave Tesh: And I love you, Brother!

[ they hug ]

Reggie: [ smiling ] Now, that’s what I call… a SLAM DUNK!

[ Reggie holds a thumbs-up, as “Roundball Rock” blasts and Mr. Lavender waves his hand in front of his face ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


May 4th, 2013

Zach Galifianakis

Of Monsters and Men

None

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

Bradley Cooper

Ed Helms

Jon Hamm

None

None

Fox & FriendsSummary: Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) joke around with an oversized Big Gulp container while interviewing New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Michael Bloomberg.

Montage

Zach Galifianakis’s MonologueSummary: Zach Galifiankis tells jokes, plays piano, then tries out a new character.

Transcript

Game of Game of ThronesSummary: Nerdy “Game of Thrones” fan Duncan (Zach Galifianakis) is flustered when his quiz questions all revolve around real-world phenomena.

Match.comSummary: Not only can you can find love and romance on Match.com, but you might even find it with Martha Stewart (Kate McKinnon)!

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Jennifer Aniston Look-Alike CompetitionSummary: Seventh-place contestant Paul Nevins (Zach Galifianakis) is miffed that he didn’t take the crown because he’s convinced he looks the most like Jennifer Aniston.

Transcript

Of Monsters and Men perform “Little Talks”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on President Obama’s push for tighter gun control laws. Tech expert Randall Meeks (Fred Armisen) has nothing but high praise for the awkward usability of Google Glass. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) outlines her summer vacation plans.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party.

M&M StoreSummary: After his first day on the job, Racist Jim (Zach Galifianakis) apologizes to all the co-workers he offended.

Transcript

Darrell’s HouseSummary: Darrell Sparks (Zach Galifiankis) attempts to welcoem Jon Hamm into his home, despite their differing schedules and frequent production cuts.

Transcript

Of Monsters and Men perform “Mountain Sound”

Michael Jordan’s WeddingSummary: Leslie (Zach Galifianakis) and Lee Ocean (Jason Sudeikis) emcee Michael Jordan’s star-studded wedding party

Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley.

New BalanceSummary:

Darrell’s HouseSummary: After applying hastily-assembled edits, it’s like Darrell Sparks (Zach Galifianakis) actually welcomed Jon Hamm into his home.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

KanishSummary: A retro presentation of a short-lived TV series that suffered from poorly-time freeze frames.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Jennifer Aniston Look-Alike Competition

Emcee…..Jason Sudeikis
Paul Nevins…..Zach Galifianakis
Jackie Benning…..Cecily Strong
Ben Gables…..Bobby Moynihan
Vincent Smith…..Kenan Thompson
Mark Leonard…..Taran Killam
Gabby Franklin…..Nasim Pedrad
Diana Reynolds…..Vanessa Bayer
Radley Cooper…..Bradley Cooper
Ted Pelms…..Ed Helms

[ open on Marriott Ballroom ]

Emcee: Now, ladies and gentlemen, before I announce the winners of the 15th Annual Jennifer Aniston Look-alike Competition, I’d just like to tell all eight of our finalists that, no matter who wins: [ singing ] “You are so Aniston…to meeeeee!” Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. And, please — Hold all applause until I read ALL the names. Now, in eighth and last place… it is Paul Nevins.

Paul Nevins: WHAT?!!!

Emcee: Uh… Congratulations to Paul. Uh… now…

Paul Nevins: No, no, no, no! [ he runs onstage ] I hate to interrupt, but obviously there’s been a mistake here!

Emcee: I’m afraid not, Paul. You’ve got Eighth place.

Paul Nevins: How is that even POSSIBLE?!! I mean, LOOK at me! I’m PERFECT!!

Emcee: Uh — well, you know, the judges didn’t think so!

Paul Nevins: Yeah? WHO were the judges?! Mr. Magoo and Helen Keller?!

Emcee: Hey, come on!

Paul Nevins: Oh, shut up!! She knew what she was doing! She was MILKING it!

Emcee: Paul!

Paul Nevins: Well, tell me this, then: What was my Hair score?!

Emcee: Come on, Paul…

Paul Nevins: What was my Hair score?! I want to know my damn Hair score, please!

Emcee: It was a 3.

Paul Nevins: A 3! That’d better be out of 2!

Emcee: It was out of 100!

Paul Nevins: Okay, fine! Read the rest of your little list there, Schindler! I am FASCINATED to know who BEAT me!

Emcee: Okay… Well, in Seventh place is Jackie Benning!

Paul Nevins: WHAT?!! WHAAAATTT?!! Jackie Benning?!! LOOK at her!!

[ reveal Jackie ]

Emcee: I think she looks very convincing.

Paul Nevins: TO WHO??!! HELEN KELLER??!!

Jackie Bennings: Hey! I helped you with your hair!

Paul Nevins: Yeah! And see how THAT turned out! Just GREAT!! Thanks a lot for the help, BEEN A BITCH Arnold!!

Emcee: Paul! Come on!

Paul Nevins: Fine! Who’s next?! I want to know!

Emcee: Alright. Well, Sixth place is Ben Gables!

Paul Nevins: Oh, Ben Gables! Now I get it! This is a joke! Ha ha ha! That’s HILARIOUS!!

[ reveal Ben ]

Ben Gables: [ deep-voiced ] Hey, I worked really HARD at this!

Emcee: Okay. Fifth place goes to Vincent Smith!

Paul Nevins: He’s dressed like Whoopi Goldstein!!

[ reveal Vincent ]

Vincent Smith: Oh, hush up, child!

Emcee: Alright, uh, Third place is a tie between Mark Leonard and Gabby Franklin!

[ reveal Mark and Gabby ]

Paul Nevins: THEM?!! Are you kidding me?!! I’ve taken FARTS that look more like Jennifer Aniston!! They’re not even wearing “Friends” T-shirts!!

Emcee: Hey, come on…

Gabby Franklin: Yeah, why would Jennifer Aniston wear a “Friends” t-shirt?

Mark Leonard: Yeah, it’s like the last thing she would ever wear.

Paul Nevins: Oh! WHY would she WEAR it?! Oh, I don’t know! Because she got it FREE at WORK?!! GOD!! Get a life, you dunce!!

Emcee: Okay, Paul? That’s enough, okay?

Paul Nevins: This competition is an entire sham!!

Emcee: Is there no Security here? Anybody?

Paul Nevins: I’M the Security!

Emcee: Oh, okay… that makes sense, then… Alright, well, in Second place, I have Diana Reynolds!

Paul Nevins: Oh, I’m sorry… I’m sorry… Diana Reynolds?! THAT Diana Reynolds?!

[ reveal Diana smiling ]

Paul Nevins: Who did she promise NOT to blow to win Second place?!

Diana Reynolds: Hey!

Emcee: Come on…

Paul Nevins: Let’s see your famous IMPRESSON again, Diana!

Diana Reynolds: “Oh! Uh, oh! Uh… did you know that Ross and I used to, uh… uh… uh-uh… date? Oh! Oh…!”

Gabby Franklin: Yeah! I think it’s more like… [ parting her hair back ] “Oh! Okay! Yeah! Oh! Do you guys know Ross? He’s a good guy! Oh, oh! Hey!”

Mark Leonard: Uh, yeah, but maybe it’s more like… “Oh! Oh… uh… So you and Ross are, um… [ he flexes his arms ] Dating! [ he pulls his hair back ] Oh! Oh!”

Paul Nevins: Oh, my bad! I didn’t realize this was a Jabba the Hut competition! Also: Who the hell is ROSS?!!

Emcee: Okay. Come on, Paul! Come on!

Paul Nevins: Let’s just end this pathetic charade! Who’s the big winner? Come on, let’s hear it!

Emcee: Well, the WINNER… oof the Jennifer Aniston Look-alike Competition — Brought to you by SmartWater — Oh! And we actually have CO-CHAMPIONS! It’s RADLEY COOPER and TED PELMS!!

[ Radley and Ted appear onstage, as the audience applauds wildly ]

Paul Nevins: Why are people clapping?!! THESE two?!! Who did their make-up?! Helen Keller?!

Radley Cooper: Hey, hey, hey! You know something? You’re a real jerk! You know, you may look exactly like Jennifer Aniston…

Ted Pelms: [ missing his cue ] …On the outside! But on the INSIDE… you’re a total Helen Keller!

Radley Cooper: Yeah!

Ted Pelms: That’s why you got Eighth place!

Paul Nevins: [ thinking ] You know what? [ he looks at them ] You know what?

Radley Cooper: What?

Paul Nevins: You’re right. You’re right, Radley.

Radley Cooper: Yeah!

Paul Nevins: You’re right, Ted. I’ve been a monster here tonight. The truth is… This hasn’t been my day… my week… my month… or even my year.

Radley Cooper: I’ll be there for ya’.

Ted Pelms: And I’ll be there for you, too, because… in the immortal words of the “Friends” theme song: [ singing ] “Keep smiling…”

Radley Cooper: “Keep shining…”

Paul Nevins: “Knowing you can always count on me…”

Emcee: That’s not the “Friends” theme, guys.

Radley Cooper: It’s not?

Together: “That’s what friends are forrrrrrr!!!”

Emcee: That’s Dionne Warwick.

Together: “In good times…”

[ the other winners appear onstage ]

Everyone: “In bad times,
I’ll be on your side forevermorrrrre!!
That’s what friends are forrrrr!!!!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Darrell’s House

Darrell Sparks…..Zach Galifianakis
Wife…..Vanessa Bayer
Wayne Smote…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Knoxville Cable Access card ]

[ dissolve to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ dissolve to Darrell standing in his living room ]

Darrell: Hi! Hello! [ he glances off-camera ] Okay, edit out the “Hi”, I just want to do it, okay? Just do it, Marcus, just do it! [ to the camera ] I’m Darrell, this is the first time I’m having house over to my people! [ he groans in disgust ] God! Cut that! Alright? Just CUT that part! [ to the camera ] But before my friends show up… let me tell you a little bit about myself: I’m Darrell Sparks, and I love to entertain…!

[ Darrell’s wife appears at the top of the stairs ]

Wife: What are you doing?!

Darrell: Honey, I’m filming a show.

Wife: It looks STUPID!

Darrell: [ he throws a plant at her ] YOU look stupid!!

[ she rushes upstairs in fear ]

Darrell: Just — Marcus, you GOTTA cut around all that, okay? No rage. No rage. I’ll say “Entertain” again, and just pick it up right after that! [ he smiles at the camera ] ENTERTAIN!! So what do I consider the three keys of entertaining? 1. Great snacks!

[ cut to an empty snack tray ]

Darrell: Marcus? I want a shot of snacks there, okay? Just a shot of snacks. [ to the camera ] The second key? Good music! That’s why I’m playing… [ he moves his mouth without speaking ] So, if we can find can artist there, we’ll clear his name, we’ll record that name over there, and then we’ll put in the music where we’re with my lips, okay? [ he smiles at the camera ] That sounds GREAT!! And last, but not least, great guests! [ he glances off-camera ] I want you to put a doorbell effect there, okay? Right after I say “guests.” MARCUS!! Okay, good. [ he smiles at the camera ] I think one is here right now!

[ Darrell walks over to the front door and opens it ]

Darrell: Mr. Jon Hamm!

[ Wayne Smote enters ]

Wayne: I’m not Jon Hamm.

Darrell: I know, but we’re here… and we’re gonna edit him in. You’re just here for the lighting and markers, okay? [ to the camera ] Thanks for coming! [ whispering ] Now, shake my hand…” [ they shake hands ] There we go… [ loudly ] You look AMAZING, Jon! What’s your secret?

Wayne: My secret is… I’m not Jon Hamm.

Darrell: [ glancing off-camera ] Marcus? Okay, listen, I’m gonna laugh really hard, in case, uh, Jon says something really funny, okay? I’m gonna do it right here. [ he laughs ridiculously over-the-top ] Oh, Jon! Care for some snacks?

[ Wayne shrugs his shoulders, then follows Darrell over to the empty snack tray ]

Darrell: Okay, pretend to take some snacks, please? And eat a snack.

[ Wayne pretends to eat snacks ]

Darrell: Why, thank you, Jon! I made them myself!

Wayne: Hey, if Jon Hamm is on this show, why isn’t he here?

Darrell: [ outraged ] BECAUSE WE’RE ON DIFFERENT SCHEDULES!!! [ he throws down his snack tray, then glances off-camera ] Hey, Marcus? Just edit that part out, okay? I’m gonna tell my joke now. [ he looks at the camera ] You look so happy, Jon, which is surprising — I always heard you were a MAD man! [ he smiles, then glances off-camera ] Insert a shot of, uh, “Showtime at the Apollo”, people laughing at the audience, okay? Audience — huge laugh, right there. [ to the camera ] “Thanks for stopping by, Jon!”

Wayne: Go?

Darrell: Yes! Go! Go!

Wayne: Hey, when’s this gonna be on? I want to tell my mom to watch.

Darrell: You’re not gonna be on! Jon Hamm is gonna be on!

Wayne: [ smiling ] I bet it’ll be me!

Darrell: Bye, Jon! You’re a friend!

[ Wayne quietly exits ]

Darrell: Well… For the first time I had someone to my house, THAT was a success! [ he glances off-camera ] So, what I want to do here is, I want to wink, but I can’t — I can only blink. So I’ll blink… but then CGI this eye open so it looks like a wink, okay? [ he blinks ] And now freeze-frame me smiling, and roll the credits over my face. [ he stands still as he smiles wide ] And then, we can just roll the song.

[ cut back to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 8

12h: Jeremy Renner / Maroon 5

Your Hometown

Man…..Taran Killam
Dad…..Bill Hader
Mom…..Aidy Bryant
Matt…..Bobby Moynihan
Classmate…..Tim Robinson

[ open on lush tropical footage ]

Announcer: It’s that time of year again — The Holidays! This season, don’t waste your time on the white beaches of Hawaii.

[ dissolve to aerial footage of “Your Hometown” ]

Announcer: Instead, why not visit the sunny, paved streets of your hometown?

[ dissolve to suburban house, as Man’s parents open the door with big smiles on their faces ]

Announcer: There, you’ll enjoy four-star accomodations at your childhood home.

[ dissolve to Mom on exerise equipment in Man’s bedroom ]

Announcer: Featuring an all-access gym — located, conveniently, in your room! Along with a 24-hour business center — also in your room!

[ reveal Dad using the computer on the other side of Mab’s bed ]

[ dissolve to the breakfast table ]

Announcer: Enjoy long, long Continental breakfast.

[ dissolve to the living room ]

Announcer: Unwind in front of the deepest TV ever sold.

[ dissolve to Mom carrying towels into the bedroom ]

Announcer: And pamper yourself with scratchy, bleach-stained towels from 1994.

[ dissolve to basement ]

Announcer: Your childhood home offers a wide range of on-site activity. You could always clean out this box of stuff, or it’s going to be thrown away…

[ dissolve to yard ]

Announcer: Or — pick up these sticks.

[ dissolve to Dad changing a light bulb in his tight underwear ]

Announcer: And our attentive staff is there to assist you with anything that may come up.

[ cut to Man standing in a K-Mart parking lot ]

Announcer: Who needs snorkeling and parasailing — when you can check out the new K-Mart? And while you’re at it, check out the old K-Mart — which is now a closed Michael’s.

[ cut to Man driving in his parents’ car ]

Announcer: Or drive around listening to the only CD your Mom owns.

[ cut to random locations ]

Announcer: Plus: Your Hometown offers exotic destinations for smoking weed — like this swing… the train track… and Matt’s hot tub.

[ dissolve to exterior of high school ]

Announcer: If you’re in for a day trip, drive on down to your old high school to visit your old teacher… then think, “Why would I do this?”, and leave.

[ dissolve to movie theater ]

Announcer: Or go see a movie — by yourself.

[ reveal a high school classmate working at the concession stand ]

Announcer: Oh, look! It’s someone from your high school! How fun!

[ dissolve to aerial view of Your Hometown ]

Announcer: So book your tickets to Your Hometown today!

[ dissolve to Mom holding up bagged goods ]

Announcer: And bring home some souveniers that you’ll just have to leave at the airport.

[ dissolve to Man carrying the bagged good down the walk, as Mom and tight underwear-clad Dad with garden hose wave goodbye ]

Announcer: Your Hometown. We’d love you to stay for a week — but we’ll settle for three days!

[ SUPER: “Your Hometown: Brought to you by the Your Hometown Board of Tourism” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 8

12h: Jeremy Renner / Maroon 5

The Stand Off

Gangster #1…..Taran Killam
Gangster #2…..Jeremy Renner
Hanson…..Bobby Moynihan
Wife…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Adam Levine

[ open on brick wall, with “THE STAND OFF” imprinted on it ]

[ pan over to reveal three men each standing with a pair of guns pointed at one another in a dark parking garage ]

Gangster #1: : Where’s the hard drive, Hanson?

Hanson: When I get my money, you’ll get your hard drive.

Gangster #2: That doesn’t work for me. I want both.

[ music intensifies, as everyone remains pointed at one another via extreme close-ups of their scrunched-up faces ]

Gangster #2: [ checks his watch ] Can we hurry this up?

Gangster #1: You got somewhere you need to be?

Gangster #2: Yeah. I gotta pick up my kid from dance class.

Hanson: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.

Gangster #2: Yeah? Well, try and stop me.

[ music intensifies as he steps toward his car, the circle of men and guns following without breaking up the circle ]

Gangster #2: [ looking around ] The keys are in my pocket.

[ suddenly, the three men, with guns pointed, are sitting in a cab ]

Gangster #2: 11th and Avenue A, please!

[ the cab arrives at the dance class ]

Girl: Daddy!

Gangster #2: Hi, sweetheart!

[ she runs up to the circle of men and hugs her daddy ]

[ cut to the man reading “Goodnight, Moon” to his daughter in bed, with the other two men still within the circle pointing their guns ]

[ cut to the three men asleep in bed, until one stirs in bed and they all wake with a start and cock their guns at one another ]

[ cut to the three men together in the shower the next morning, with guns still pointing ]

[ cut to Thanksgiving dinner, the three men amid the family with guns pointing ]

Wife: I guess… I’ll go first? I… am… thankful for… my family.

[ cut to the three men, with backs turned, at public urinals ]

[ cut to the three men ice-skating with guns pointing ]

[ cut to the three men walking away from the skating rink, with guns still pointing ]

Gangster #2: That was actually a lot of fun!

Gangster #1: Yeah!

Gangster #2: You’re a good skater.

Hanson: Thanks!

[ suddenly, Adam Levine walks up ]

Adam Levine: Hey, guys!

[ the three men cock their guns and point them at Levine, who points his guns at them ]

Adam Levine: I’m looking 34th and 5th?

Gangster #2: You just passed it. A few blocks back that way.

Adam Levine: [ he lifts his guns ] Thanks.

[ Levine backs up and walks away, as the three men cock their guns and resume facing one another ]

Gangster #1: That was Adam Levine.

Hanson: [ excited ] That was Adam Levine?!

Gangster #2: I think so.

[ cut to the three men back in the parking garage ]

Gangster #2: Let’s do it Any last words?

Hanson: Yeah. [ as the music swells ] These have been the greatest few days of my life. You can keep the hard drive and the money — I don’t want it! I mean… what you guys have given me is more valuable than any —

[ suddenly, the other two men repeatedly open fire on him, even continuing to shoot long after he’s obviously dead ]

[ after a moment, the remaining two men point their guns at one another… and wait ]

Gangster #1: [ checking his watch ] Hey, listen. I have to let my cats outside.

[ the other man nods, and they slowly walk away without lowering their guns ]

[ just for good measure, they each fire upon their fallen comrade once more ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

Guest Writers:


December 8th, 2012

Jamie Foxx

Ne-Yo

None

2 Chainz

Dermot Mulroney

Charlie Day

None

Suli McCullough

Chris Spencer
Press ConferenceSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) comforts John Boehner (Bill Hader) from the bullying he’s received at the hands of his fellow Republicans following failed fiscal cliff negotiations.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, John Boehner.

Montage

Jamie Foxx’s MonologueSummary: Jamie Foxx asks “How Black is that?” about various things, then plays a 2 Chainz melody on the piano.

Bitch, What’s The Answer?Summary: Game show host (Jamie Foxx) gives white contestants a hard time for failing to answer vague quiz show questions.

J-Pop America Fun Time Now!Summary: Japan-obsessed Jonathan Cavanaugh-san (Taran Killam) and Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san (Vanessa Bayer) chat with (Jamie Foxx).

Recurring Characters: Jonathan Cavanaugh-san, Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san, Mark Kaufman, Jonathan’s Girlfriend.

Alex Cross 2: Madea: Special OpsSummary: Tyler Perry (Jamie Foxx) performs dual lead roles as Detctive Alex Cross and his new sidekick Madea.

Ne-Yo performs “Let Me Love You”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Mrs. Claus (Aidy Bryant) is eager for a little alone time when Santa finally goes to work on Christmas Eve. Ding Dong (Jamie Foxx) is bitter that the Hostess bankruptcy only means no more Twinkies for the average consumer.

Dylan McDermott or Dermot MulroneySummary: Black contestants (Jay Pharoah, Jamie Foxx, Kenan Thompson) are challenged to differentiate between the two indistinguishable white celebrities.

Transcript

Marcus Banks: Tree PimpSummary: Former pimp Marcus Banks (Kenan Thompson) treats Christmas trees the same way he used to treat his hos.

Transcript

Maine JusticeSummary: Inexplicably, a southern judge (Jason Sudeikis) and other transplants from New Orleans now run a courtroom in Bangor, Maine.

Transcript

Ne-Yo performs “She Is”

Swarovski CrystalsSummary: Former porn stars (Vanessa Bayer, Cecily Strong, Jamie Foxx) plug the cost-conscious alternative to real diamonds.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts