Category: 2012

SNL Transcripts: Jamie Foxx: 12/08/12: Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 9
















12i: Jamie Foxx / Ne-Yo

Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney

Host…..Bill Hader
Contestant #1…..Jay Pharoah
Contestant #2…..Jamie Foxx
Contestant #3…..Kenan Thompson
…..Dermot Mulroney

[ open on GSN logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching th Game Show Network.

[ dissolve to game show set ]

Host: Hello, and welcome to America’s most difficult game show — we show contestants a picture, and they have to tell us who it is! That’s right, it’s time for…

Audience: “Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney”!

Host: Just a reminder to you at home: No one has EVER won this game. It looks like today is going to be WORSE than usual. Let’s meet our contestants.

[ reveal three Black contestants ]

Contestants: Hell, no! Nope! No way, man!

Host: Alright, alright… let’s get started. Contestants, tell me: [ reveal photo ] Is this Dylan McDermott… or Dermot Mulroney?

Contestant #3: [ throws his arms up ] We will NEVER know this!

[ buzzer ]

Host: The correct answer was… Dermot Mulroney. Next round! Tell me, contestants… [ reveal new photo ] Who’s this? As a reminder — the answer for the last round was Dermot Mulroney. THIS… is the other guy!

Contestant #2: Can you say both their names again?

Host: Dylan McDermott… Dermot Mulroney.

Contestant #3: Can you put a bigger space between the names… so… so e know when the first name ends and when the second name begins?

[ buzzer ]

Host: Time’s up. That’s a picture of Dylan McDermott.

Contestant #2: Can we just skip to the end?

Host: No, no, no, no, no! You can do this! Just remember: Dermot Mulroney… is the one who’s in “The Truth About Cats & Dogs”. [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? “Must Love Dogs”, with Ashley Judd. [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? With Diane Lane. Who’s also in “Unbreakble”. [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? “Untraceable”! [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? “Unfaithful”! [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? BOTH “Untraceable” and “Unfaithful”! …So if any of that helps at all!

Contestants: It does not! It does not!

Host: Round Three. Hey! [ reveal new photo ] Who’s this guy? Remember: Dylan McDermott was in “The Practice”… and Dermot Mulroney was in a movie called “Staying Together”, where he played a character named Kit McDermott. And that is a true fact! So is this Dylan McDermott… or Kit McDermott?

Contestant #2: You know what? F you!

[ bell goes off ]

Host: Alright! Alright. Alright. You know what the means — it’s time for the McDermott Double. Get this right, and we’ll McDermott McDouble your points!

Contestant #3: [ shaking his head ] You’re a SICK man!

Host: [ laughing crazily ] Yeah! Yeah! Here we go: You have twenty seconds to write down your answer. [ reveal new photo ] Who’s this?

[ clock ticks, as the contestants work through it ]

Host: Alright. Alright. Alright. [ he walks over to the contestants ] Alright, let’s see what you wrote down. Contestant #1, you wrote down: [ as he holds up his answer ] D-scribble, M-scribble. Yeah, that can’t count! We can’t count that!

Contestant #1: Had to try… had to try…

Host: Contestant #2, you wrote: [ as he holds up his answer ] Derbel McDillet.

Contestant #2: Yeah.

Host: I just want to check in with you… When you were writing down “Derbel McDillet”, did you think to yourself, “Yeahhhh… this is right”?

Contestant #2: Uh — yes, I did! At first, I was gonna write down… “Dermot… Ramoney”, but… that’s not a real name.

Host: So you settled on “Derbel McDillet”?

Contestant #2: [ he nods and drops his answer ] Yeah.

Host: How would you feel if I told you you wee dead wrong?

Contestant #2: I would NOT be surprised.

Host: Alright. Contestant #3, you wrote: [ as he holds up his answer] Rupert Everett.

[ dinger ]

Host: [ surprised ] I’ve never heard that sound before. The judges are telling me that’s technically correct… since Rupert Everett IS the Gay Dermott Mulroney.

Contestant #3: [ excited ] So I WIN?!

Host: Well… we doubled your score. But zero times two is still zero. Now, it’s time for the final round. Contestants, please tell me: WHO is this?!

[ suddenly, Dermot Mulroney steps out ]

Dermot Mulroney: I was in “My Best Friend’s Wedding”… and I was just on, uh… “The New Girl”. [ he holds up Dylan McDermott’s photograph ] This is a picture of my face. Who am I? Dyland McDermott or Dermot Mulroney?

Host: Wait. wait… that’s a photo of Dylan McDermott.

Dermot Mulroney: [ irked ] You don’t have to give them the answer!

Host: But… you’re Dermot Mulroney.

[ he considers this possibility ]

Dermot Mulroney: I am? Ooh… oh, my gosh! Oh, I’ve been sleeping with another man’s wife.

Host: Alright. Well, that’s how this show works. Once again, there’s no winner. But don’t change that channel, because next up: Three teenage girls from Alaska will play: “Djimon Hounsou OR Chiwetel Ejiofor?”

Contestants: I know who that is…! I know who that is…!

Host: Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jamie Foxx: 12/08/12: Maine Justice



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 9
















12i: Jamie Foxx / Ne-Yo

Maine Justice

Sarah Ann Tucker…..Aidy Bryant
Ethan Vandermark…..Bobby Moynihan
Bailiff…..Jamie Foxx
Judge…..Jason Sudeikis
Congressman…..Charlie Day

[ open on station ID card ]

Announcer: You’re watching WLBZ, Channel 2, Bangor, Maine. Up next: “Maine Justice”.

[ cut to courtroom, with serious judicial soundtrack ]

Narrator: Meet the Plaintiff — Miss Sarah Ann Tucker. She says the Defendant subletted her house and ran up the water bill. She seeks $500 in reimbursement.

Meet the Defendant — Ethan Vandermark. He claims that the high water bill was due to a pre-existing leak.

Their fate will be decided according to the unique values of the great state of Maine. This is… “Maine Justice”!

[ cut to show graphics and title card, complete with bouncy jazz music ]

[ dissolve back to courtroom ]

Bailiff: ALL RISE for your Honorable Most ??

[ Judge approache his bench ]

Judge: Mmm-mmm-mmm! Alright there! Alright, now! Okay, y’all take a seat! Y’all take a seat, rigt here, right now! [ he bangs his gavel ] Okay? Alright, here we go! I’m about to serve up a heapin’ spoonful of Maine Justice here! [ he wipes his chin with a handkerchief ] Mmm! Well, now, how you doin’ today, Jesse?

Bailiff: Ooooooh-wee! This thick, humid air here… Get to it today, y’all!

Judge: [ wiping his brow ] Mmm-hmm, ooh-wee! That is true! We in Maine fo’ sure! Mmm! Now, hello there, Miss Tucker.

Sarah Ann Tucker: [ fanning herself ] Hello, Your Honor!

Judge: Yeah! Yeah! Say — how’s your daughter doin’?

Sarah Ann Tucker: Oh, she’s just fine, Your Honor. You know, she’s goin’ to school up there in the Connecticut!

Judge: Oh, yeah? Well, they got some good schools up there! you know that’s true, that’s true. [ he wipes his chin ] But I like to think you could learn a thing or two DOWN HERE in Maine, as well!

Bailiff: Hoo-hoo!

Judge: Uh-huh! And, uh, how are you doin’ over there, Mr., uh — who is he? — Mr. Vanderkirk? Huh? VanderMARK? Is that what it is? Are you from out of town? Is that right?

Ethan Vandermark: That’s correct. Hey — what the hell is going on here?

Judge: Okay! Alright, now! [ he wipes his chin ] Okay, now, here we go! Miss Tucker? Uh, what’s all this goin’ on now about this here, with all this here mess now?

Sarah Ann Tucker: Well, Judge… I loant this man my house, and I wilfully included utilities.

Judge: Mmm.

Sarah Ann Tucker: But then, I come back and — hoooo-wee! — he done run up the water bill like somethin’ I don’t know what!

Judge: Mmm!

Ethan Vandermark: Okay, that’s not true.

Judge: [ banging his gavel ] HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!!! YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!

Bailiff: Shut your mouth, boy! You in MAINE now, boy!

Judge: That’s right!!

Bailiff: Bangor, Maine, baby!

Judge: Yep!

Bailiff: You gonna find a few things that’s different around here!

Judge: That’s right! You’d best watch yourself, boy, or you gonna find yourself HOG-TIED and tossed into a swamp full of gators, like that!

[ the Bailiff claps his hands together like gator teeth ]

Ethan Vandermark: Alligtors? In Maine?

Judge: Mmm!

Bailiff: You damn tootin’!

Judge: Yeah! ‘Cause this here’s MAINE JUSTICE right here!!

[ the courtroom gives a “Hoooo-weeeeee!!” ]

Judge: Okay, okay, alright, alright, alright, okay, okay, okay!! [ he bangs his gavel ] Order in my courtroom! Order in my — y’all shut your butts! That’s right! [ he wipes his chin ] Okay, now this man right here may not be from around these parts, but let’s see what this little crawdaddy gotta say!

Ethan Vandermark: Um… okay. Well, may wife and I hve always wanted to go to Maine, so —

Bailiff: Damn right!

Judge: Mmm-hmm!

Bailiff: Home of Jazz, baby!

Judge: That’s right!

Bailiff: Mardi Gras! Steve Ontkean!

Judge: That’s right!

Ethan Vandermark: [ stunned ] Right… Anyway… we rented this house, and I guess there was a leak in the basement, but we didn’t realize it. THAT’S why the water bill was so high.

Sarah Ann Tucker: He’s lyin’! He’s lyin’ like a VIPER in the red Maine mud!

Ethan Vandermark: I’m not lyin’!

Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Oh, wo, wo, wo!! Hey, next time you interrupt a woman in MY courtroom, we gonna send you off to a LIGHTHOUSE crawlin’ with GATORS!!

[ the Bailiff claps his hands together like gator teeth ]

Ethan Vandermark: What?!

Judge: Okay, now! [ he wpes his chin ] There, there, there… mmm-hmm. Let ‘im be, Jesse. Let up.

Bailiff: [ still clapping his hands together ] Oh, I hate gators!

Judge: I know it, I know it! Don’t give me that! Now, Miss Tucker — I believe you had a WITNESS you want to call?

Sarah Ann Tucker: That’s right. I call Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey.

Judge: Alright!

[ the Congressman enters through a side door, clutching a piss jar ]

Bailiff: Do you swear you’re gonna tell the truth and nothin’ BUT the truth, baby?

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Awwww, HELL, yeah!!

Judge: Okay, alright, yeah! [ he wipes his chin ] Uh, now — Congressman Carrey? Uh, what did you did see up in there?

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: [ in heavy Cajun accent ] Uhhhhhhh… I seen this fool, he bin runnin’ his water all day!

Judge: Yeah?

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Yeah, like he’s tryin’ to drink up the whole bayou, or somethin’!

Judge: Yeah! [ he laughs ]

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: I be like, “Hey! Hey! Whatchoo tryin’ make a fool out of her?!” his ain’t no Bon Tempe Roulette, my friend, ’cause there ain’t NOBODY make a fool outta the good people of Maine, exceptin’ the Lord Himself!

Judge: That’s right!

Ethan Vandermark: I don’t even know what this little weirdo is saying!

Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! That little WEIRDO’S an EIGHT-TERM CONGRESSMAN!!

Bailiff: That man right there’s a New England treasure, baby!

Judge: That’s right! Son, I WARNED you about smartin’ off, and I don’t know if you GET where you IS! But you in MAINE now, BOY! The only place you can fill a jarful of maple syrup as it drips directly from a bald cypress tree, lessen a voodoo lobster get to it first!!

Ethan Vandermark: What?! Can someone please explain to me WHAT is going on?!

Judge: Okay, alright. Well, look here, look here. [ he wipes his chin ] Maybe we all relocated heres after Katrina, but we don’t wanna change our ways, right?

Bailiff: Or maybe we part of some kind of courtroom exchange program, baby!

Judge: Yeah!

Sarah Ann Tucker: Yeah, or maybe there’s a space-time portal, and we spend half our tme in Maine and half in New Orleans, and we’ve started to mix the two up!

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Tht’s what it is!

Ethan Vandermark: [ rubbing his head ] I am SO confused…

Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Okay, alright, now! Here we go! I’m gonna make my ruling, okay?! Hmmmm… let’s see. Mr. Vandermark?! I fine you guilty of bein’ a FAST-TALKIN’, WATER-WASTIN’, NO-GOOD YANKEE!! [ as he pratically crawls over his bench ] That’s right! And I hereby sentence you to eat one of the SPICIEST bowls of jambalaya you ever seen!!

Ethan Vandermark: [ incredulous ] That’s the sentence?

Judge: Whooooooooo!! It’s gonna be so spicy, sure, we gonna have to tie him up to Uncle Orville’s airboat and drag his bare lily-white butt cross the swamp to put out that ass fire! [ the Bailiff cracks up laughing ] Ohhh, Jesse! That’s what has to happen!

Bailiff: Ass fire!

Judge: That’s right!! Ohhhhhhhhh!! That’s just how I like doin’ it down here in Bangor, Maine! ‘Cause this here… [ he holds it for an extended moment, as the Bailiff laughs ] is MAINE JUSTICE!! [ he slams his gavel ]

[ suddenly, a Second Line breaks out across the courtroom ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jamie Foxx: 12/08/12: Marcus Banks: Tree Pimp



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 9
















12i: Jamie Foxx / Ne-Yo

Marcus Banks: Tree Pimp

Marcus Banks…..Kenan Thompson
Customer #1…..Taran Killam
Customer #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Customer #3…..Jay Pharoah
Police Officer…..John Solomon
Customer #4…..Tim Robinson
Wife…..Kate McKinnon
Mr. Peterson…..Fred Armisen
Daddy Kidd…..Jamie Foxx

[ open on seedy scenes of New York City at night during Christmas time ]

[ reveal Marcus Banks walking the streets ]

Marcus Banks V/O: Twelve years, I was a pimp. That’s a long time in pimp years. I made a lot of paper. But then I got POPPED! Did my time, learned my lesson; now I’m straight. If you had told me back then that I would be selling Christmas trees… I’d say, “You’re CRAZY!”

[ cut to Marcus standing in front of a row of Christmas trees ]

Marcus Banks: But here I am! [ he fondles one of his trees ]

[ cut to title card: “MARCUS BANKS: TREE PIMP” ]

Marcus Banks: Hos is a game. And trees is a game. And the game is the same.

[ cut to Marcus working a sale ]

Marcus Banks: Hey, you like what you see?

Customer #1: Yeah — maybe.

Marcus Banks: Yeah, she’s a nice one. She’ll do it all, too — FULL SERVICE.

[ Customer #1 stares at him dubiously ]

[ cut to second sale ]

Customer #2: Is this thing a Douglas Fir?

Marcus Banks: She’ll be anything you want, Cowboy! You know what I’m sayin’? Best prices in town! Fresh!

[ Customer #2 glances down at the trunk of the tree, which is wearing a silver lame high heel ]

Marcus Banks: Yeah, you like that?

[ cut to third sale ]

Customer #3: You got any bigger ones?

Marcus Banks: Oh, she big where it counts. She clean, too. Hold up — Po Po! [ he straightens up and clears his throat as a police officer walks past ] Yeah, you know… this is a beautiful city, man… his is a real beautiful city… [ he stares in the police officer’s wake ]

Marcus Banks V/O: It’s a HARD game.

[ cut to Marcus walking down the street ]

Marcus Banks: Some motherfuckers wanna strap my bitches to the top of the car! Hell, no!

[ cut to fourth sale ]

Customer #4: Can I get a fresh cut at the bottom?

Marcus Banks: Say what?

Customer #4: Can I get a fresh cut?

Marcus Banks: You want me to cut ‘er?

Customer #4: Just a… [ he makes a thwapping motion with his hand ] at the bottom.

Marcus Banks: [ outraged ] Get the hell out of here!

Customer #4: No, man…

Marcus Banks: GET THE HELL ON OUTTA HERE!!! [ the Custoomr runs off ] I don’t CUT my bitches!!

[ cut to Marcus Banks testimonial ]

Marcus Banks: See, what I offer these trees is PROTECTION! You gotta make sure they SAFE! That’s Pimpin’ 101!

[ cut to Customer #1 and his wife trimming their tree in their home, as Marcus stands in the room and watches ]

Marcus Banks: Y’all got twenty minutes, now.

[ cut to Marcus Banks testimonial ]

Marcus Banks: Yeah, pimpin”s in my blood, you know? It’s in my DNA! It’s like chlorophyll to me! Or, uh — uh — uh — uh — photopinthesis!

[ cut to regular sale ]

Marcus Banks: Hey, Mr. Peterson! Third time this week, huh?

Mr. Peterson: Yeah! [ he carries tree away ]

Marcus Banks: Alright, Merry Christmas! [ he turns to the camera ] That is one WEIRD dude right there! But he pays. He pays.

[ reveal Mr. Peterson alone in his car with the tree, as he lowers it below the dashboard ]

[ cut to Daddy Kidd, Rival Tree Pimp ]

Daddy Kidd: I hear y’all been talkin’ to Marcus, man. I mean, yeah — he put a SHOW on for ya’. But Marcus… [ he lowers his shades ] He COLD, man. You know? He got a DARK side. I never put my hands on a tree. But Marcus?

[ cut to Marcus yellin at a tree, then he knocks it over ]

Daddy Kidd V/O: It’s ungodly.

[ Marcus threatens another tree with pruning shears ]

Daddy Kidd: You probably know some of my A-List clients… but I’m not gonna mention no NAMEs, though, cuz — to me, that’s, you know, that’s SACRED! [ whispering ] Matt Lauer.

[ cut to second Daddy Kidd testimonial ]

Daddy Kidd: See — lookit, dawg: Marcus deals with a more volume business. Whereas, I deal in discerning clientele. I mean, I deal high-end! [ pointing over his shoulder ] That’s my biggest earner right there!

[ reveal the Christmas tree at 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Daddy Kidd: That’s my bottom bitch!

[ return to Marcus ]

Marcus Banks: You see, this game’ll break your heart if you let it. What’s sad is when you see a young tree. I don’t get down with no saplings!

[ cut to Marcus approaching a young sapling on the sidewalk ]

Marcus Banks: Whatchoo doin’ out here?! Get out of here! Go home! You barely got any rings yet!

[ return to Marcus ]

Marcus Banks: Now… I try to do RIGHT by these trees. Sometimes, I slip up.

[ cut to Marcus having sex with one of his trees ]

Marcus Banks: I’m not a perfect man. But it is what it is.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Martin Short: 12/15/12




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 9


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





















Bit Players:


December 15th, 2012

Martin Short

Paul McCartney

None

The New York City Children’s Chorus

Jimmy Fallon

Kristen Wiig

Paul Shaffer

Samuel L. Jackson

Tina Fey

Tom Hanks

Lorne Michaels

Alec Baldwin

Joe Walsh

Carrie Brownstein

John Solomon

Danielle Flora
The New York City Children’s Chorus performs “Silent Night”

Montage

Martin Short’s MonologueSummary: Martin Short dances through the halls and sings about how Christmas is the horniest time of the year.

Transcript

A Tony Bennett ChristmasSummary: Tony Bennett’s (Alec Baldwin) younger brother Jerry (Kenan Thompson) joins hi for Christmas festivities and an interview with Kanye West (Jay Pharoah).

Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett, Kanye West.

Royal Family DoctorSummary: Rupert Smythe Pennington (Martin Short), a representative of the Royal Family, outlines the unusual requirements that Kate Middleton’s doctor (Bill Hader) will need to perform throughout her pregnancy.

Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth II.

Transcript

You’re A Rat Bastard, Charlie BrownSummary: The Brooklynese version of a Charlie Brown Christmas stars Al Pacino (Bill Hader) as Charlie Brown, with Larry David (Martin Short) as Linus and many other celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Al Pacino, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Fran Drescher.

Paul McCartney with Joe Walsh performs “My Valentine”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Bar Mitzvah Boy Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) explains the story of Chanukah as though performing a comedy roast. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) has some choice rambling comments about the real meaning of Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Jacob, The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party.

What Up With That?Summary: In a special salute to Christmas, Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts Samuel L. Jackson and Carrie Brownstein.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Vance, Lindsey Buckingham, Jackie Rogers, Jr.

Note: Samuel L. Jackson curses twice in this sketch, causing Kenan Thompson to ad-lib “That costs money!”

Paul McCartney with Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic & Pat Smear performs “Cut Me Some Slack”

Old FriendsSummary: Old friends Mark (Fred Armisen) and Dennis (Martin Short) run into each other at Restoration Hardware during the Christmas holidays, and catch up on old, odd times.

Transcript

Pageant AuditionsSummary: Caleb (Martin Short) auditions to sing, but is reluctant to let his triangle player Monty (Paul McCartney) perform a song.

Note: This sketch breaks the fourth wall to enter right into McCartney’s next musical performance.

Paul McCartney and The New York City Children’s Chorus perform “Wonderful Christmas Time”

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Martin Short: 12/15/12: Royal Family Doctor

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SNL Transcripts: Martin Short: 12/15/12: Royal Family Doctor

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 10










12j: Martin Short / Paul Mccartney

Royal Family Doctor

Secretary…..Nasim Pedrad
Doctor…..Bill Hader
Rupert Smythe-Pennington…..Martin Short
Queen Elizabeth II…..Fred Armisen

[open on a headline from British tabloid The Sun: KATE MIDDLETON PREGNANT]

[The Office of a OB/GYN in an England.]

Secretary: Doctor, the representative from Buckingham Palace is here.

Doctor: Wonderful, send him in, please.

[She exits and a small, officious man wearing a tweed suit enters, clutching a portfolio and sporting a prominent gap in his front teeth.]

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Hello, good afternoon, Doctor. I am Rupert Smythe-Pennington, and may I begin by congratulating you on your selection as OB/GYN to the Duchess of Cambridge.

Doctor: It’s a great honor.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: My role today is to instruct on the protocol of dealing with a member of the royal family.

Doctor: I have met members of the royal family before, so I assure you I’m up to speed.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Well you MAY well know the protocol for having an audience with the Duchess, but there is an entirely different set of protocol when one has an audience with the royal… ahem. (he clears his throat significantly)

Doctor: I’m sorry, are you referring to the vagina?

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: (Outraged) I will mark that down that you said that word once! Say it again, you will be deported to Australia!

Doctor: Understood.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Moving on. When you meet a royal face to face, a small head bow is appropriate. When you meet the royal…ahem, the following is appropriate: (Miming great shock) PFHAW!

Doctor: I’m not comfortable with that.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Well I suggest you GET comfortable with it! Because after the nod, is is proper to address it as “Milady” and then great it with the phrase: “Fancy meeting you here!”

Doctor: That seams odd.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Well I assure you, on the day, it will seem natural. Now, throughout the examination it is imperative that you say the following words, to yourself, in the exact order as this: “This is great. This is so great. This is by far the best one of these I’ve ever seen. Man oh boy, THIS is great!”

Doctor: To myself?

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Yes, but loud enough for the DDuchess to hear. That’s the secret, isn’t it, when you’re speaking in a secret voice?

Doctor: I see.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Yes. Now, on certain former occasions, you will find that the Royal…Ahem will be wearing a hat.

Doctor: How does that work?

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: It’s a small hat.

Doctor: I see.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: If it is wearing a hat, you must wait for it to tip its hat before you tip yours.

Doctor: What if I’m not wearing a hat?

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Well, if IT’s wearing a hat, I suggest YOU get a hat. This is the Royal…Ahem after all.

Doctor: I’m sorry, must we call it the Royal…Ahem?

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: (Opening his Portfolio) Well, the only other acceptable terms I know is “The Governess,” “The Kingmaker”, “Her Downton Abbey”….(He stares at the Doctor for a long moment as Bill Hader tries to reign in his laughter, succesfully preventing himself from breaking.), “The Chunnel”, “Dame Judi Dench”, “Piccadilly Cervix” and “Thompson’s English Muffin.” Now?

Doctor: I’ll stick with the Royal…Ahem.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Moving on. There will be a member of the Royal palace guard in the room with you at all times, but I assure you, you will not notice them.

Doctor: I’d notice a member of the palace guard.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Have you noticed that one has been here the whole time?

(Reveal that a Palace Guard, in Iconic furry hat, is standing behind the doctor)

Palace Guard: ‘Ello!

(The Doctor jumps slightly.)

Doctor: This is very complicated.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Now, as Royal anatomies go, hers is pretty simple. Just be glad you’re not dealing with Camilla Parker-Bowles. (He begins barking and growling like a small dog.) Hers is accessible only by an old drawbridge and guarded by a troll who asks you a riddle.

Doctor: Yes, I’d heard about that.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Now this is very important. Please pay attention to what I’m about to say. Do you foresee any occasion whatsoever where you would have cause to examine the Royal butt-hole?

Doctor: Absolutely none.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Oh good, that will save us a few hours. (Flipping through his portfolio.) Let’s see…butt-hole, butt-hole, butt-hole, more butt-hole…

Doctor: Just out of curiosity, are there names for the royal Butt-hole?

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: “Church of Taint Andrews.” Ah, here we are: Delivery day. Now, when the child is delivered, it is important that you do not reach for it unless it offers a hand to you. If it does not offer its hand, then wait for it to slide out on its own.

Doctor: Very good.

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: And then you will play peek-a-boo with the child and if it laughs you will be knighted.

Doctor: And if it cries?

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: (Mimes having his head cut off.) And I believe that about wraps it up. I don’t have much more. (Queen Elizabeth enters behind him.) Oh! Your majesty! Forgive me, I did not know you would be in the hospital this morning.

Queen Elizabeth: (In a thick cockney accent) Yeah, I’m ‘ere to get me Judi Dench washed. Where’s the bloke?

Rupert Smythe-Pennington: That chap.

Queen Elizabeth: Alright, ‘ere we go, alright. (She walks over to the examination chair, hoists herself up into it, places her feet in the stirrups and hikes up her skirt, exposing her underwear directly to camera.) Well, what are ya waiting for? Get in there, will ya?

Doctor: Alright.

Submitted by: Ted

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Martin Short: 12/15/12: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 10






12j: Martin Short / Paul Mccartney

Goodnights

…..Martin Short

Martin Short: My thanks to Paul McCartney! Paul Shaffer! And Kristen Wiig, Jimmy Fallon, Tom Hanks, Samuel L. Jackson! Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Carrie Brownstein! Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic, Pat Smear! The New York City Children’s Chorus! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! [ he blows a wide kiss to the audience and hugs Paul McCartney ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Martin Short: 12/15/12: Old Friends



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 10










12j: Martin Short / Paul Mccartney

Old Friends

Narrator…..Kenan Thompson
Mark…..Fred Armisen
Dennis…..Martin Short
Clerk…..Taran Killam

[ open on interior, Restoration Hardware ]

Narrator: Christmastime. Holiday shopping. The time of year when anything can happen. Sometimes, two old friends bump into each other at a Restoration Hardware… and they have a lot of “catching up” to do.

[ the Narrator steps aside ]

[ Dennis enters the scene, as Mark ambles over from the background ]

Mark: Dennis!

Dennis: Mark!

Mark: Hi!

Dennis: How are you!

Mark: It’s been, like, three years?

Dennis: Oh, that sounds right.

[ they hug hello ]

Dennis: Now, Francis… Francis… Oh, this is great, because we were just talking about you! Francis said you were working as a James Cameron impersonator for parties?

Mark: Yeah… you know, I just kind of go to parties, and I’m, like, “Hey, I’m James Cameron. You know, I made Avatar…” That kind of thing, yes.

Dennis: How’s that going?

Mark: Uh, really bad. Uh… people do not like it.

Dennis: Oh.

Mark: Uh, you look really, really great. I heard you were acting now?

Dennis: Yes! Yes!

Mark: Is it like plays, or movies…?

Dennis: No, no, no, no! I do acting for EMT training.

Mark: Okay?

Dennis: Yeah! Like, I pretend to be a patient who refuses to get into the ambulance. You know? I’ll, like, hold on to something while the paramedics try to push me in. I’ll go, “No!! Noooo!! I’m not going in there!! No!!” You know, that kind of thing.

Mark: Great. Yeah, that’s great. Wow. Yeah.

Dennis: So, uh — are you still doing your painting?

Mark: Oh, no, no, no! I’m getting painted on. You know — I get naked, and they paint a bathing suit on me, and then they take pictures.

Dennis: Who does?

Mark: I… I don’t know.

Dennis: Oh.

Mark: Hey — I heard you went to the Olympics!

Dennis: No, that was a lie I spread! [ he sits on the couch ]

Mark: Ah. That’s great.

Dennis: Anyway, you look GREAT! You really… Are you working out?

Mark: No, I’m just doing this diet. It’s 25 bagels a day. That’s all I can eat, just 25 bagels a day.

Dennis: [ amazed ] What?!

Mark: Yeah, it seems to work. Sometimes I sneak out 26 bagels.

Dennis: Oh.

[ Clerk approaches ]

Clerk: Gentlemen?

Dennis: Yes?

Clerk: Can I, uh, help you find anything?

Dennis: Yes. [ he stands ] Well, uh, I’m looking for one of those ship captain’s telescopes?

Clerk: Okay.

Mark: And I need one of those big, decorative gramphones. You know?

Dennis: Yeah. And I’d like to pay a LOT for mine.

Mark: Yeah, me, too. That’d be great.

Clerk: Okay! Let me see what I have!

Dennis: Oh, great. Thank you.

[ the Clerk rushes off ]

Mark: Hey! Whatever happened to that book you were writing? Remember? About World War 2?

Dennis: Oh! You know what? That — yes! You know what I discovered, uh, as I was writing it? I don’t know ANYTHING about World War 2. And you know what else? I don’t how to write a book! I spent dix months at a computer, and all that came up was: “It was the 1940’s, and everything was in black-and-white.” You know?

Mark: That’s… that’s terrible.

Dennis: I know! I’m NOT a writer!

Mark: Yeah.

Dennis: I’m! Not! A writer!

Mark: Right… right…

Dennis: And, you know… it just HIT me!

Mark: Yeah.

Dennis: Hey, how’s your son?

Mark: I — I don’t have a son.

Dennis: Oh… I thought I saw you with a little kid?

Mark: Oh! No, no, no, no! That’s actually my adult brother. He was sort of standing behind me… so the perspective made it look smaller.

Dennis: Ohhhh!

Mark: So he was a grown-up, you know? I’m sorry — how’s your son?

Dennis: Well, the waiter or the porn star?

Mark: Uh — the waiter.

Dennis: Oh, he’s doing PORN now!

Mark: Oh. Wow.

Dennis: Boy, time goes fast, doesn’t it?

Mark: I know! It’s so easy to lose touch!

Dennis: I know. Oh, my God… OH!! Oh, I’m having a Christmas party! You should come!

Mark: Great! Uh, when is it?

Dennis: March 8th! Uh — it’s the only day that works for me, so… that’s what we’re doing.

Mark: You’re still at the same place?

Dennis: No! I now live in a big field. So, you just — you walk in any direction, and you’ll find it!

Mark: Great! I’ll book a horse. A car! Or, whatever.

[ Dennis laughs, as the Clerk returns with their merchandise ]

Clerk: Okay, guys, here you go. I’ve got one decorative gramophone… and one nautical telescope. These are each $3,000.

Dennis: Oh. Well, his is on mine!

Mark: You know what? His is on me.

Dennis: And his is on me!

Mark: Yeah!

Clerk: Okay, great! I’ll wrap these up?

Mark: [ to Dennis ] Hey, you want to drive around the parking lot and just wave to people?

Dennis: Oh, I’d like that!

Mark: Let’s do that!

Dennis: Oh, that’s so much fun!

Clerk: Hey, you two: Happy Holidays.

Dennis: Happy Holidays!!

[ Mark and Dennis walk off without their merchandise ]

Dennis: It’s so great to see you!

Mark: It’s so good to see you!

[ the Clerk is left alone ]

Clerk: Wait… they didn’t…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Martin Short: 12/15/12: Martin Short’s Monologue

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SNL Transcripts: Martin Short: 12/15/12: Martin Short’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 10






















12j: Martin Short / Paul Mccartney

Martin Short’s Monologue

…..Martin Short
…..Paul Shaffer
…..Cecily Strong
…..Aidy Bryant
…..Kate McKinnon
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tom Hanks
…..Samuel L. Jackson
…..Tina Fey
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Martin Short!

[ the crowd cheers wildly ]

Martin Short: Thank you!! Thank you so much! I can’t TELL you… how humbled… your response… makes a comedic icon like myself feel — Thank you!! You’re way too kind! Not kind enough to work in a soup kitchen, or help the homeless — but KIND all the same! Take your seats, this is fun! [ he throws his arms up ] I’m so excited! It’s an honor! It’s an honor to be back at “Saturday Night Live”. “SNL” has always been my first love — followed by the movies, then theater, then my money, and then family. And then, being here on the same show with PAUL MCCARTNEY!! [ the audience cheers wildly ] It’s insane, isn’t that right? Do you realize that, between us, Paul and I have sold over ONE HUNDRED MILLION records? Astounding! Plus, it’s Christmas! [ as Ed Grimley ] The yuletide is just so festive, I must say! And it doesn’t matter if you celebrate Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan or Christmas — the only thing that matters this time of year, is that all of us worship Christ, our Lord and Savior! [ he glances across the stage ] Oh! Oh, for Heaven’s sake — look at this little Christmas elf!

[ he walks over to Paul Shaffer at the piano ]

Martin Short: It’s Paul Shaffer!

[ the audience cheers wildly ]

Paul Shaffer: Thank you, everybody!

Martin Short: Did you know that Paul was here at “SNL” for the first five years of the show —

Paul Shaffer: That’s right!

Martin Short: Before he started working with… Is it Leno or Letterman, you work on?

Paul Shaffer: Letterman.

Martin Short: Letterman. Which one’s the cranky one?

Paul Shaffer: Letterman.

Martin Short: Oh. And, boy, you know, it’s funny… On the cab ride here tonight — because they wouldn’t send a car! — I was reflecting on the original impetus of…

[ Martin walks atop the piano, crushing Paul’s hand ]

Paul Shaffer: OWWWW!!!

Martin Short: I’m so sorry! You know, I get preoccupied, I’m sorry. [ he sits on the piano and crosses his legs ] We all know… that Christmastime is about shopping and wrapping and eating and drinking and warmth and family. But it also happens to be — and this is true — the time when the most babies are conceived. [ he smiles devilishly ] It’s true! Yes, it’s a time, not only to hustle and bustle, but also of hanky and panky. [ he squirms in place ] How does a man sit on a piano, I wonder? [ he adjusts his legs, then spreads himself back across the piano ] I don’t know!

[ singing ]
“Well, it’s Christmastime… and there’s love in the air
An embrace for the glance of her cash advance, catches you unawarrrrrrre!
It’s the most AMOROUS time of the year!”

[ he jumps to his feet ]

“It’s the most promiscuous time of the year!
All those hotties about, make your trousers stick out
like a red-nosed reindeeeeeeeeeerrr!
It’s the most lacivious time of the year!”

[ he runs into the audience ]

Martin Short: Oh, look at this nice couple! Merry Christmas! How long have you been together?

Man: Five years.

Martin Short: Oh, that’s nice! How about a nice kiss for the camera?

[ the man attempts to lean clos to his wife, but Martin intercepts and kisses his wife passionately instead ]

Martin Short: Thank you! [ he runs past the couple to Cecily Strong, Aidy Bryant and Kate McKinnon ] Oh, and look — it’s the new girls! [ he kisses each of them ] Whose names I just can’t recall!

[ singing ]
“You and some vixen hve both gotten blitzed
and you’re thinking of decking the halls!
Pretty soon you are flinging off your winter coat
and you’re bringing out your Christmas balls!”

[ he runs into a back hall ]

Martin Short: Kristen Wiig!! What are you doing here?

Kristen Wiig: Oh, Martin, are you kidding me? I am such a huge fan of yours, it’s the Christmas show, everyone’s here —

Martin Short: Yeah, and you’re here just for the free booze, right?

Kristen Wiig: What?! No! [ serious ] Where is it?

Martin Short: [ laughing ] Well, I’m gonna tell you where it is — if you’ll let me kiss your hand.

Kristen Wiig: Alright, it’s a deal. [ she extends her hand ]

Martin Short: No, not this one; the “nice” one.

[ Kristen lifts up her tiny Dooneese hand ]

Martin Short: Oh, thank you!

[ Martin kisses Kristen’s tiny hand, then she attempts to rub it across his covered chest, to Martin’s delight ]

Martin Short: [ singing ]
“It’s the rand-randiest time of the year!”

Oh, look — it’s Jimmy Fallon! [ he kisses Fallon’s cheek, then continues down the hall ] And, hey — it’s Tom Hanks! [ he kisses Hanks, then continues down the hall as Hanks and Fallon jump up to bump chests ] And, look — it’s Samuel L. Jackson! [ he attempts to kiss Jackson, but recoils at his silent death stare ]

Martin Short: [ singing ]
“The cashier at the mall said she’d like you to call her
and suddenly Cupid has struck!
Before you can blink, you go out for a drink
and you hea back to her place… to kiiiiiiiissss!
Her vaginaaaaaaaa!!

It’s the lust-lustiest time of the year!”

[ Martin enters a hall where Tina Fey sips wine and chats with Lorne Michaels ]

Martin Short: Oh, look! Tina Fey! And, uhhh —

Lorne Michaels: Lorne.

Martin Short: Lorne! Oh, sorry! You really look more like a Josh, isn’t that funny? Hey, Tina — look what I have! [ he holds up mistletoe ] Isn’t that a coincidence? [ he chuckles lasciviosusly, then lunges over to kiss Lorne ]

[ Martin returns to Home Base ]

Martin Short: [ singing ]
“It’s the SASSIEST holiday time!
It’s the HORNIEST, HORNIEST time!
It’s the RANDIEST, DANDIEST, SAUCIEST, NAUGHTIEST, STEAMIEST, DREAMIOUS time!
Of the yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!”

[ two girls in Santa dresses dance in front of Martin as confetti falls ]

Martin Short: We’ve got a GREAT show! PAUL MCCARTNEY is here!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lawrence: 01/19/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 19th, 2013

Jennifer Lawrence

The Lumineers

None

None

Piers Morgan TonightSummary: Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) catches up on news events involving Lance Armstrong’s (Jason Sudeikis) drug scandal, college linebacker Manti Te’o’s (Bobby Moynihan) cruel prank, and Jodie Foster’s (Kate McKinnon) not-so-shocking, incoherent confession.

Recurring Characters: Piers Morgan, Jodie Foster.

Montage

Jennifer Lawrence’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Lawrence tries to crack a smile from fllow Golden Globe nominee Tommy Lee Jones (Bill Hader), then proceeds to trash-talk and compliment her fellow Best Actress Oscar contenders.

Transcript

VerismoSummary: Housewife (Vanessa Bayer) duplicates the tense Starbucks experience at home by brewing up an incompetent and beligerent cup of coffee in the privacy of her own kitchen.

Girlfriends Talk ShowSummary: Morgan (Aidy Bryant) is threatened anew when best friend co-host Kyra (Cecily Strong) welcomes new best friend Jessy (Jennifer Lawrence) to the topic couch.

Recurring Characters: Kyra, Morgan.

Transcript

Post Hunger Games News ConferenceSummary: After placing at the Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) and Peeta Mellark (Taran Killam) field questions from reporters.

Transcript

The HobbittSummary: Determined to squeeze out J.R.R. Tolkien for everything he’s worth, director Peter Jackson has stetched “The Hobbitt” into an 18-part film series filled with drawn-out plots and ridiculous spoofs.

Johnny Two TonesSummary: Diners (Bobby Moynihan, Vanessa Bayer) love the kitschy insulting service at retro Johnny Two Tones, until their server, Brenda (Jennifer Lawrence), takes it too far.

Transcript

The Lumineers perform “Ho Hey”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Second-hand news correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) delights Seth Meyers with more information gleaned from a host of suspicious characters.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino.

Top Dog ChefSummary: Canine-humans (Bill Hader, Jennifer Lawrence, Bobby Moynihan) attempt to wow Padma Leash-Me (Nasim Pedrad), Tom Collie-Cio (Jason Sudeikis) and Mario Barktali (Fred Armisen) with culinary dishes created from random garbage.

Transcript

B108 FMSummary: Richard (Taran Killam), The Buffalo (Bobby Moynihan), and intern Busty Rhymes (Jennifer Lawrence) work the morning zoo format at five a.m.

Recurring Characters: Richard, The Buffalo, Karen.

Transcript

The Lumineers perform “Stubborn Love”

DanielleSummary: In a badly-dubbed French pornographic film, everyone in a cafe is enchanted by Danielle (Jennifer Lawrence).

Transcript

Love LettersSummary: While exchanging love letters with his honey Madeline Cook (Jennifer Lawrence), Civil war soldier Greg Dorfman (Tim Robinson) repeatedly requests that she send him a tit pic.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts