Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 14
12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes
Papal Securities
Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis
Pope Benedict XVI…..Christoph Waltz
[ open on serene settings ]
Spokesman V/O: You’ve worked hard your entire life. You’ve tried to make sound financial decisions. But what will you do when you retire?
[ reveal close-up of Pope Bendict ]
Announcer: What will you do… after you’re Pope?
[ cut to Pope reviewing stack of bills at his kitchen table ]
Announcer: Your spiritual future might be secure… but what about your financial future?
[ dissolve to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Here at Papal Securities, we give popes the kind of financial advice they need to survive on a fixed income.
[ Spokesman shows Pope a Retirement Investment Growth chart with different-sized papal hats ]
Spokesman V/O: Because in today’s shifting financial landscape, no one is infallible — even Popes.
[ cut to the Pope carrying a bag of groceries home, as it spills all over the street. He raises his arms and prays to God for mercy. ]
Spokesman V/O: We’ll help you protect and grow the assets that you already have.
[ Spokesman assesses the value of a chalice ]
Spokesman: So you can focus on what matters most: Life.
[ cut to testimonial from Pope Benedict XVI ]
Pope Benedict XVI: Pa-pal Se-cur-i-ty made sure my fu-ture was… [ he smiles ] bright!
[ cut to empty chair, with tag: “No Other Testimonials Available” ]
Spokesman V/O: So call Papal Securities today — and make sure your retirement years… are golden.
[ Spokesman kisses the Pope’s ring, then wipes his mouth ]
[ cut to the Pope riding a bicycle built for two with his hat on the back seat ]
[ cut to the Pope serving dinner to a family ]
[ cut to the Pope playing with a rock-and-roll band ]
Spokesman V/O: Papal Securities. Helping popes retire since the last time it happened — in 1415.
[ cut to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Because Heaven… can wait.
[ fade ]
Air Date:
Summary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) sequester
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Summary: With the announcement of Pope Benedict XVI’s (Fred Armisen) retirement, Quvenzhané Wallis (Kevin Hart) is inexplicably chosen to become the new head pontiff.
Summary: Housewife (Vanessa Bayer) duplicates the tense Starbucks experience at home by brewing up an incompetent and beligerent cup of coffee in the privacy of her own kitchen.
Summary: When the manager (Kevin Hart) at Barnes & Noble calls a meeting to announce a theft-related termination, Niff (Bobby Moynihan) and Dana (Cecily Strong) assume they’re being accused of the crime and proceed to call out their co-workers for being a bunch of lame-asses.
Summary: Dennis Rodman (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Jong-Un (Bobby Moynihan) are best friends. Seth Meyers and Kevin Hart ask “Really!?!” in response to the Voting Right Acts.
Summary: When they’re approached by a black zombie (Kevin Hart), family tries to avoid defending themselves lest their actions be considered racist.
Summary: Desperate to pay off his debts, Brian McShay (Kevin Hart) tries to convince the sharks to invest in his idea to put sunglasses on lamps.
Summary: Cal (Tim Robinson) shows off his Z Shirt, but Brian (Kevin Hart) can’t grasp the concept that it’s not just an ordinary T-shirt.
Summary: Patricia (Vanessa Bayer) and Dante (Kevin Hart) are the finalists in a competition to perform the voiceover on a Dove Chocolate ad.
Summary: During the funeral for Cal’s (Tim Robinson) mother, Brian (Kevin Hart) finally grasps the concept behis his Z Shirt.
Summary: News anchor (Kevin Hart) struggles to present the news from every camera angle after hurting his neck in a car accident.
Summary: Elton John (Justin Timberlake) is offered money to eulogize Hugo Chavez with his latest rewrite of “Candle in the Wind”.
Summary: Justin Timberlake joins the ranks of the Five-Timer’s Club, where he gets to hang out with legends like Paul Simon and Steve Martin and force the cast members to fight for his amusement.
Summary: Bachelor #1 (Bobby Moynihan) realizes he won’t win a date with Judy (Vanessa Bayer) when his competition is the “Dick in a Box” singers (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) and the Festrunk Brothers (Dan Aykroyd, Steve Martin).
Summary: Sausage shop’s Italian butcher mascot (Bobby Moynihan) faces competition from Veganville’s dancing tofu mascot (Justin Timberlake).
Summary: The semi-effective diamond-encrusted birth control device that doubles up as glamorous jewelry.
Summary: Stefon (Bill Hader) kists inappropriate places for tourists to celebrate Spring in New York.
Summary: After working to clean up his image, a newly-sober Caligula (Justin Timberlake) declares there will no longer be wild orgies within his empire and instead initiates Game Night activities.
Summary: Implanted Judge Marshall T. Boudreaux (Jason Sudeikis) dishes another heapin’ helping of Maine Justice in the case of a college boy (Andy Samberg) who ran a southern belle (Kate McKinnon) off the road).
Summary: A trailer for a new romantic comedy starring Justin Timberlake and an Adorable Brunette (Nasim Pedrad) who happens to have male genitalia.
Summary: Former porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer), a fellow model (Cecily Strong) and V.I. Penis (Justrin Timberlake) promote the luxury of Moet & Chandon champagne.
