Category: 1981

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 6th, 1982

James Coburn

Lindsay Buckingham

Marc Weiner

None
The President’s BirthdaySummary: Frank sinatra (Joe Piscopo) sings a medley in celebration of President Ronald Reagan’s birthday.

Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra.

Transcript

Montage

James Coburn’s Monologue

Reach Out And Touch SomeoneTranscript

I Married A MonkeySummary: During a family vacation to Disneyland, Tim (Tim Kazurinsky) discovers that Madge is having an affair with a gas station jockey (James Coburn).

Recurring Characters: Tim.

Transcript

Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodRecurring Characters: Mister Robinson, Mr. Landlord.

Jesus in Blue JeansSummary: Jerry Falwell (Brian Doyle-Murray) pitches a new rock album with Christian-friendly lyrics.

Recurring Characters: Jerry Falwell.

Transcript

Lindsay Buckingham performs “Bwana”

Signs of HomosexualitySummary: Christine Ebersole is smitten with James Conurn until close friend Mary Gross points out her tell-tale signs that their host for the evening is a homosexual.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed.

Victims of 60 MinutesRecurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Reagan’s BirthdayRecurring Characters: Ed Reese.

Lindsay Buckingham performs “Trouble”

Unique Perspectives

Those Crazy Taboosters

Don’t Let it Show

Marc WeinerSummary: Marc Weiner performs a stand-up routine that employs a nautical theme and plenty of spray for tthe audience.

Goodnights

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

Jesus in Blue Jeans

Jerry Falwell…..Brian Doyle-Murray

Jerry Falwell: Parents, are you troubled by moral decay, rampantamong today’s teenagers? Hello, I’m Reverand Jerry Falwell. Have you everwondered what your young people are listening to on those tiny headphonesof theirs? I can assure you it’s not our Master’s voice. No, sir,it’s the secret stereophonic whisperings of Satan. How many times have weseen a youngster listen to a rock and roll recording, and then talk back tohis parents and fornicate? Never forget that it’s only a short skip fromthe phonographic needle to the hypodermic needle. Rock and roll music isthe Devil’s music – until now. Because for just $9.98, you can use thissame music to deliver your children from evil. It’s all here in my newborn-again rock and roll collection: Jesus in Blue Jeans. Youget 24 great rock hits, but no sex and no drugs – just good rockin’ lovesongs to God. Here’s just some of what you get.

[ SUPER: “Help Me, Jesus ]
Jingle:
“Help me, Jesus, Help, help me, Jesus
Help me, Jesus, Help, help me, Jesus!
Help me, Jesus, Help, help me, Jesus
Help me, Jesus, Help, help me, Jesus!”

Jerry Falwell: These are great rock and roll classics.

Jingle:
“It’s my party, and I’ll pray if I want to
pray if I want to
pray if I want to.
You would pray, too, if it happened to you!”

Jerry Falwell: “The Messiah’s Back”.

Jingle:
“The Messiah’s back, and there’s gonna be trouble.
(Hey-la, hey-la, the Messiah’s back!)
Satan’s here, you’d better cut out on the double.
(Hey-la, hey-la, the Messiah’s back!)”

Jerry Falwell: And how about my personal favorite..

Jingle:
“Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got God in my tummy..”

Jerry Falwell: You even get this great Christmas classic:

Jingle:
“Baby Lord, my Baby Lord
I need you, oh how I need you.”

Jerry Falwell: Ah, my Lord, that’s righteous music! If youlove your children, just send me that $9.98. But remember the Lord worksin mysterious ways, so allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. And, if you ordernow, we’ll send you, absolutely free, a one-year subscription to AllAlong the Watchtower magazine. Send for my record today, or burnin hellfire eternal.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

Signs of Homosexuality

…..Christine Ebersole
…..Mary Gross
…..James Coburn
…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Christine Ebersole and Mary Gross sitting at a table in a bar ]

Christine Ebersole: Gosh, I’m so excited.. he’ll be here any second!

Mary Gross: Who?

Christine Ebersole: Our host, James Coburn.

Mary Gross: Well, this is a strange time to be working on a scene.

Christine Ebersole: Well, we’re not going to be working on a scene. Hopefully, we’ll be making a scene.

Mary Gross: [ shocked ] Chris!

Christine Ebersole: Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, Mary.. but I’m kind of stuck on the guy.

Mary Gross: Well, don’t judge a book by its cover.

Christine Ebersole: What do you mean?

Mary Gross: I mean, that James Coburn is a homosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a homosexual. I’m just trying to keep you from wasting your time.

Christine Ebersole: What, are you crazy?

Mary Gross: That macho act of his is simply a disguise.

Christine Ebersole: [ laughing ] Mary, just because he didn’t hit on you doesn’t mean he’s gay.

Mary Gross: Hey, don’t say I didn’t warn you. [ Christine leaves her chair to meet James at the bar ] I know all you folks in the audience probably agree with Christine. You think I’m way off base. Well, it so happens that I’ve been studying homosexuals all my life. I can spot one a mile away! And you can, too, if you know what to look for.

[ cut to Christine and James standing at bar sharing a drink ]

Christine Ebersole: I’m really excited about working with you, Jim!

James Coburn: Realy, Chris? Well, I’m really excited about working with you. [ they laugh ] Well, here’s to an exciting relationship. [ holding his glass with his pinky finger extended, he clinks his glass with Christine’s ]

[ The scene pauses, as Mary’s heads appears in the middle of the screen ]

Mary Gross: Notice how the little finger is extended. A clinically accepted indication that someone is already halfway out of the closet! Wise up, Chris!

[ the scene starts up again ]

James Coburn: [ noticing Christine’s dress ] That’s a lovely dress you’re.. almost wearing.

Christine Ebersole: [ laughing ] It’s silk.

James Coburn: Is it?

Christine Ebersole: Just like my sheets.

James Coburn: [ laughing, grabs her shoulder ] Well, I bet if I twist this right off the shoulder, the whole thing would fall right down around your.. lovely ankles.

[ another pause in the action, as Mary appears on the side of the screen ]

Mary Gross: Sure, Chris. He’d love to take off your dress. So he can put in on himself.

[ the scene starts up again ]

Christine Ebersole: It’s getting late, Jim.. I’ve got to go..

James Coburn: Oh, no.. come on, have another glass of champagne. [ he reaches for the basket of pretzels on the counter, but grabs the bartender’s hand instead ]

[ a final pause, as Mary’s head appears at the bottom of the questionable scene ]

Mary Gross: A picture is worth a thousand words. Bon appetit, Jim!

[ the scene wraps itself up ]

James Coburn: Well, Chris.. if you want to come over to my dressing room, and change over there.. and, afterwards, champagne in the fridge..

Christine Ebersole: I’d love to!

Eddie Murphy: [ approaches James, angry ] James, you bitch!

James Coburn: Eddie, we’re not going to have one of your.. jealous scenes, now are we?

Eddie Murphy: You know, James, what you need is a very thorough spanking!

James Coburn: [ wraps his arms around Eddie ] Promises, promises.. come on. [ they walk off ]

Mary Gross: [ walks up to Christine ] Told you so! Can’t judge a book by its cover, huh? Guess I was right all along, wasn’t I? [ Christine mopes ] Oh, come on, Miss Irresistable. Stop moping. We’ve got a show to do! [ wraps her arm around Christine as they walk off ]

[ the scene pauses, as James appears on the side of the screen ]

James Coburn: As it’s been said: “Can’t judge a book by its cover.”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Guest Writer:


November 7th, 1981

Lauren Hutton

Rick James & The Stone City Band

William Burroughs

Joe Dicso

Andy Murphy

Rosie Shuster

Marilyn Suzanne Miller
ExxicoSummary: Their message is simple: “Stay out of our way or we’ll kill you.”

Montage

Here’s CosSummary: Bill Cosby’s (Eddie Murphy) new album features his most popular and inane routines as performed on “The Tonight Show”.

Recurring Characters: Bill Cosby.

Transcript

Lauren’s Dressing RoomSummary: Eddie Murphy is sure he has a shot with Lauren Hutton when she calls him to her dressing room to help her feel relaxed, but the vision of Joe Piscopo dissuades his efforts.

Transcript

Hail to the ChiefSummary: Ed Meese (Tony Rosato) leads President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) to believe he’s playing the part of the President of the United States in a new movie.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Ed Meese.

Transcript

TransEastern AirlinesSummary: TransEastern Airlines employees happily proclaim that they treat their passengers like dirt.

Transcript

Whisper Bubble BathSummary: Lauren Hutton touts the sensual bodybath that she soaks both herself and her dishes in.

Transcript

Rick James & The Stone City Band performs “Give It To Me Baby”

Cheap LaffsSummary: Tony Rosato presents a sketch idea whose laughs were too cheap to be taken seriously — as Lauren Hutton promotes Macho Wipes, the abrasive toilet paper for the real men in her life.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Brian Doyle-Murray notes during his interview with Princess Di (Christine Ebersole) that she’s a lot farther along in her pregnancy than she claims. Ted Koppel (Joe Piscopo) attempts to bridge the gap between Menachim Begin (Tim Kazurinsky) and Yasser Arafat (Tony Rosato). Eddie Murphy comments on his new 10th-story apartment, and his experiments in testing which animals land on their feet when dropped from that height.

Recurring Characters: Princess Di, Ted Koppel, Menachim Begin, Yasser Arafat.

Harlequin RomancesSummary: Harlequin Romance spokeswoman (Mary Gross) reads a selection from “Forbidden Jungle of Passion”, a steamy tale of a man (Joe Piscopo) who disguises himself as a woman so he join a safari expedition led by the hard, rugged, and tryrannical Denise Dunn Davis (Lauren Hutton).

Transcript

Reach OutRecurring Characters: Brooke Shields.

Transcript

Velvet Jones School of TechnologyRecurring Characters: Velvet Jones.

Transcript

Big Baser

William BurroughsSummary: William Burroughs reads passages from his novel, “Naked Lunch”.

Push Button To Explode BuildingSummary: A man (Tom Davis) accidentally demolishes a building when he hits the wrong button at the crosswalk.

Note: Repeat from 81b.

Bitter PeopleSummary: Comedian Pat Cooper (Joe Piscopo) resents that he doesn’t get to open for big-name musical acts in Las Vegas.

Transcript

Rick James & The Stone City Band performs “Super Freak”

“Art is Ficial”Summary: A look at the life of literary dog Maurice Blaget.

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Bitter People

…Mary Gross
Pat Cooper…Joe Piscopo

[FADE IN on “Bitter People” title graphic, MUSIC: “Song For My Father”, Horace Silver]

[FADE to Mary Gross sitting at interview desk]

Mary Gross: Hi, I’m Mary Gross, and welcome back to “Bitter People”. [Slow ZOOM out] Tonight’s guest is a very bitter man, comedian Pat Cooper. [Pat is sitting in a chair to Mary’s right] Pat, what’s going on in Vegas?

Pat Cooper: Lola Falana…now there’s a bargain! She wants to be called the ‘First Lady of Vegas’, right? She doesn’t even belong in the first thousand! Huh? You think she’d let me be her opening act? Huh? You think she’d use Pat Cooper? I’m not good enough for her because “she’s a star!” The eeeegos here, huh?

I’ll tell you who’s playing at Caesar’s, right here [picks up photo] Tom Jones! [points to picture] Tom Jones, right here! We’re grateful enough to open our hearts to this guy, let him come in to our country, and he won’t let Pat Cooper open for him, huh? I’m a funny man! Pleease believe that! There’s no one funnier than this man! “What’s the national flower of Italy, huh? The tomato!” [mugs by puckering his lips and bugging out his eyes] Huh? Funny, right? Funny, right? But these semi-names won’t let me use them!

[picks up another photo] Jerry Vale! Jerry Vale, another bargain, right? Jerry Vale…I’m gonna tell you a story: I’m opening for Jerry Vale at the Landmark in Vegas, right? My wife sends me a fruit basket with a card- you know, “to Pat, I love you.” [increasingly agitated] Card gets lost, Jerry comes into my dressing room, sees the fruit basket, says it must be for him, walks out of my room, with my fruit, because- from my wife Patty, ’cause heee’s the staaar! Jerry. Take the fruit. Choke on it, huh? I’m a very funny man! Mary, there’s a giant ziti in the hallway waiting to eat the whole studio, huh? Hilarious, right, hilarious! There’s no one funnier than Pat, there’s no one funnier than this man! [Holds up photo of himself with lips puckered and eyes bulging, imitates the face he makes in the picture]

Mary Gross: Whoa…

Pat Cooper: Hilarious!

Mary Gross: Well, thank you, Pat..

Pat Cooper: I’m a hilarious guy. A generous man, too!

Mary Gross: Oh, you sure are…

Pat Cooper: Very funny!

Mary Gross: Well, thank you, Pat. Join us tomorrow on “Bitter People” when Suzanne Somers will talk about the cast of Three’s Company.

[“Song For My Father” begins again; FADE back to title graphic; applause and FADE to black]

Submitted by: Larchman

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Cheap Laffs

…..Tony Rosato
…..Lauren Hutton
Spokesman…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on Tony Rosato typing in Writer’s Lounge as bouncy music plays him in ]

Tony Rosato: Hi! I’m Tony Rosato. Each week, we try to come up with some ideas for the show that are funny. [ he laughs] Unfortunately, some of our favroite ideas are usually incredibly cheap. For example: Since this week our hostess was Lauren Hutton, and she appeared in “American Gigolo”, we thought we’d do a parody called “American Jigaboo.” [ he laughs at the pun ] Unfortunately, it was SO cheap, and SO racist, that even Eddie Murphy wouldn’t do it. That’s another story. Anyway, let’s take a look and xee what our Cheap Laff is for this week. [ he lifts up the garbage can and pulls out a script ] I think this is it. Here’s tonight’s Cheap Laff. [ reading ] “Open on a beautiful, sexy movie star in a dressing room. She’s just about to…”

[ dissolve to Lauren Hutton in her dressing room, as soft saxophone music plays ]

Lauren Hutton: Hi. I’m Lauren Hutton. I like my martinis dry, my steaks rare, and my men hard. My men like to work hard, play hard, and when they come home… they want to wipe hard. They want… [ she holds up product ] Macho Wipe. It’s one tough toilet paper that’s not afraid to roll up its sleeves and get the job done! Watch.

[ dissolve to Spokesman standing before stacks of Macho Wipes ]

Spokesman: [ deep-voiced ] It never lets ME down! [ he grabs a competitor’s brand ] Here’s regular soft toilet tissue — the kind WIMPS use! [ he tosses it over his shoulder, then tears a ply of Macho Wipe ] Macho Wipe is one TOUGH toilet paper! [ he rubs it on his face, the scratchy sound effect extra loud for effect ] Tough enough to take care of a bear in the woods… [ he lifts a bat and lowers his voice ] and still tough enough to take the finish off this baseball bat! Watch! [ he rubs the Macho Wipe across the bat shaft ]

[ Hutton steps in and wraps her arm around the Spokesman ]

Lauren Hutton: Try new Macho Wipe. In Medium, Course, and Super Abrasive. All my men use Macho Wipe… or they use nothing at all.

[ dissolve back to Tony Rosato, now wearing bunny ears ]

Tony Rosato: Whoo-hee! Well — now, that was cheap. See you next week with “CHeap Laffs”.

[ he crumples the script in his hand and tosses it over his shoulder ]

[ fade ]

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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Here’s Cos

Bill Cosby…..Eddie Murphy

Announcer: He’s hosted the Tonight Show almost as much as Johnny. For years he’s made America laugh and now hereeeeeeeeee’s Cos!

(Bill Cosby comes out in front of the Tonight Show curtain)

Bill Cosby: Thank you! Thank you much! Just stop it! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so happy my wife Camille would let me come out and play with you tonight. This is really nice.

(Cut to a record album entitled “Here’s Cos”)

Announcer: Yes, all of Bill Cosby’s hilarious Tonight Show monologues are here in one special collection. Hear Cos start stories that don’t go anywhere.

Bill Cosby: I have these daughters, all of which have at least, at least two fingers on each hand.

Announcer: Concepts that aren’t funny.

Bill Cosby: Fear…

Announcer: You’ll hear him talk about people you’ve never heard of.

Bill Cosby: Every neighborhood had a kid who always wore a purple shirt, used to run real fast and pick his navel. You know him, don’t you?

Announcer: No, we don’t, but that doesn’t stop Cos, it’s all here. The mumbling,

Bill Cosby: (Mumbles)

Announcer: The mugging.

Bill Cosby: (mugs with an open mouth)

Announcer: And the plugging!

Bill Cosby: On November 15th, I will be appearing at the Sahara Hotel, standing in the lobby, selling copies of my album. So come on and buy one. It’ll make you smile.

Announcer: Rush $9.95 to “Here’s Cos Burbank, Calif.”

Bill Cosby: You know you want to smile. I saw you look like this (rolls eyes) That’s right. You do.

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Goodnights

…Lauren Hutton

Lauren Hutton: Thank you, everybody!

[Eddie Murphy plants a kiss on her cheek]

Submitted by: Larchman

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Reach Out

Sarah Gould…..Robin Duke
Cheryl Tiegs…..Christine Ebersole
Brooke Shields…..Mary Gross
Audience Member #1…..Rosie Shuster
Audience Member #2…..??
…..Lauren Hutton

[ open on talk show set, with title card superimposed over the panel ]

Sarah Gould: Good morning! I’m Sarah Gould, and welcome to “Reach Out”! Today, our celebrity guests are going to try to REACH OUT to those of you in the audience who have problems! So you just ask us, and we’ll try to solve them! And now, I’d like to welcome our guests from the world of high fashion modeling: Brooke Shields, the 16-year old who took the professsion by storm… and Cheryl Tiegs, who is often called the All-American Model.

Cheryl Tiegs: [ twirling her hair ] Sarah, excuse me, but I don’t think of myself as model. I’m more of a personality and commentator.

Brooke Shields: [ giggling ] Yeah! And I’m not a model, either. I think of myself as an actress!

Cheryl Tiegs: Me, too! I think of myself as an actress, and a television personality, and a photographer!

Brooke Shields: Me, too!

Sarah Gould: Well, now, isn’t that fascinating? And now, Brooke, how is that lawsuit coming along? Aren’t you trying to stop some pictures or something from bring published?

Brooke Shields: Yeah! This scummy guy took naked pictures of me at ten, and now he’s trying to push me as some kind of porno star! How DARE he! That’s my mother’s job!

Sarah Gould: [ looking into the audience ] I — I — I think I see somebody with a problem. Yes? Do you have a problem?

[ cut to Audience Member #1 ]

Audience Member #1: Yes. I’d like to addres my problem to Cheryl Tiegs. I’ve seen you so often, I feel like your my friend!

Sarah Gould: Yes, what’s the problem, dear?

Audience Member #1: Uh — I need a kidney transplant, desperately… and I-I can’t afford it. I’m in agonizing pain day and night, but I don’t have any way of getting the money. Can you help me?

Cheryl Tiegs: [ twirling her hair ] Oh, you poor thing… I — I know just how you feel. At one time, I needed money… and so I sold my name to Sears-Roebuck.

Brooke Shields: Sears?! Pee-yoo! Gross, total!

Cheryl Tiegs: Yes, I know. And they put it on a line of jeans. It was pretty humiliating, but now I make countless of thousands of dollars for doing nothing. Um — have you thought about selling your name?

Audience Member #1: [ shaking her head ] No. No, no, I haven’t. And I don’t see why they would be interested.

Brooke Shields: I sell jeans, too! Look! [ she stands on her head and sticks her Calvin Klein jeans high into the air ]

Sarah Gould: I think we have another question! [ pointing into the audience ] Hello? You, right there! Hello?

[ cut to Audience Member #2, just to the upper right of Audience Member #1 ]

Audience Member #2: [ in thick accent ] I have a problem for Brooke and Cheryl.

Sarah Gould: Oh! Uh, go ahead.

Audience Member #2: Okay, I’m working 18 hours a day in a sweatshop. Two of the girls was KILLED last week, when some of the machines cut them! And we’re still working with the same machines!

Cheryl Tiegs: UM… I know how you feel. Uh, modeling is really hard work. I mean, honestly, some people thin it’s just glamour, glamour, glamour! Um, but it’s really very. very hard. I mean, you have to get up early, and you have to wait around for them to fix, uh, your face and to fix your clothes, and… I mean, honestly, if you’re the slightest bit late, they act really mean. I mean, we earn that $1,500 an hour, we really do!

Brooke Shields: Yeah, really! And what about acting? We have to memorize all that stuff! What a pain! [ to Sarah ] Can I talk about my new movie? My mom says I gotta! It’s about a 17-year old girl’s introduction to sex. It’s a new kind of role for me, since before I only played a 10-year old girl’s introduction to sex, a 14-year old girl’s introduction to sex, and a 16-year old girl’s introduction to sex. BUt my mom said I’ve got to take challenges!

Cheryl Tiegs: [ leaning in ] I used to be on “Good Morning, America”, uh, reading cue cards. That was really hard, a lot harder than doing movies.

Brooke Shields: Oh, take a hike, Grandma! You’re over the hill! They’re saving a BED for her at the Old Model’s Home! [ she giggles ]

Cheryl Tiegs: Uh, you know what’s gonna come between you and your Calvins? My FOOT!! [ Brooke sticks her tongue out ] Watch it, Jailbait!

Sarah Gould: [ laughing ] I think I see a hand out there! Yes?

[ reveal Lauren Hutton standing in the audience ]

Lauren Hutton: Hello?

Sarah Gould: Yes! Your problem? We’re here to help.

Lauren Hutton: Hmm… I’m a model, and my problem is the insulting way models are stereotyped as BRAINLESS, OVERGROOMED SLICES OF BEEF!! Right here! Brooke and Cheryl happen to be my friends!

Sarah Gould: [ stunned ] Oh! Really?

Lauren Hutton: Yes, really!

Brooke Shields: We — we weren’t making fun of Brooke Shields and Cheryl Tiegs! We were making fun of… the ridiculous, uh… capitalistic, sexist system that exploits them for profit! Really!

Cheryl Tiegs: Yeah!

Lauren Hutton: [ seething ] This kind of stuff BURNS me up! Models aren’t DUMB! Cheryl Tiegs has a phD from Oxford in Bio-engineering! [ a page steps forward ] What?!

Page: They need you in Make-Up.

Lauren Hutton: They do not!

Sarah Gould: Well!

Lauren Hutton: [ as she retreats ] Brooke Shields is one of the world’s leading microphysicists! Cybil Dhepard invented the laser beam!

Sarah Gould: Well! Dear me! Isn’t that true? Well, that’s all the time we have left right now! Tomorrow, please join us and we’ll be solving your personal heartfelt problems with a NEW celebrity panel — Don Rickles and Foster Brooks! So, until tomorrow, this is “Reach Out”, saying, “We care about you.”

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Hail to the Chief

President Ronald Reagan…..Joe Piscopo
Secretary…..Brian Doyle Murray
Jim…..Tim Kazurinsky
Ed Meese…..Tony Rosato
Elaine…..Christine Ebersole
Marker…..Joe Dicso
Reporter…..Andy MUrphy

[ open on exterior, THE WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C. ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

[ the entire scene takes place from President Ronald Reagan’s point-of-view. As the scene begins, he’s looking down at his desktop as he doodles cartoon characters on a pad. ]

[ he looks up as members of his staff enter ]

Secretary: Good morning!

President Ronald Reagan: Good morning, Jim!

Jim: You’re looking well this morning!

President Ronald Reagan: I feel well!

Secretary: Would you like to take a look at today’s itinerary — I mean, script? [ he chuckles ] Elaine, you want to bring in that shooting script?

Elaine: Yeah! [ she steps forward ] Uh — okay, uh, we’re gonna start with a presidential press conference, and a few of the reporters are going to ask you a few questions about the sale of the AWACs to Saudi Arabia, okay?

President Ronald Reagan: [ confused ] AWACs? What do I say?

Elaine: [ incredulaous ] I gave you the script yesterday. Where is it?

President Ronald Reagan: I must have lost it.

Elaine: Oh, no, not again…

President Ronald Reagan: I’m sorry.

Elaine: Forget it. [ she holds out a script ] Here’s another copy. Okay? Now, uh, did you get the rewrites on the MX missiles?

President Ronald Reagan: [ grabbing the script ] Sure, sure… I’ve got my lines memorized already.

Elaine: [ pleased ] Okay.

President Ronald Reagan: Ooh! Ooh! Is that Ed Meese over there? Uh, Ed! Ed! Could I have a word with you, please?

[ Ed Meese steps forward ]

Ed Meese: Morning, Ron! What’s up?

President Ronald Reagan: How much longer are we going to be making this movie?

Ed Meese: [ he looks around the room ] I’d say… about three more years, Ron. Three more years, at least, yeah.

President Ronald Reagan: Well… the movie’s long, Ed. I hope it’s not going to be another “Heaven’s Gate”!

Ed Meese: Don’t worry about it.

President Ronald Reagan: Ed… Ed, listen. Ed, I really appreciate you getting Nancy a part and all…

Ed Meese: No, no…

President Ronald Reagan: Well, I was thinking… what if there was some romantic conflict? Uh, like that gal who’s playing the new Supreme Court justice? Well, uh, what if she and I…

[ Jim steps forward ]

Jim: Look, uh, Ron? It wouldn’t be right for your character.

Ed Meese: That’s right, Ron.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about! I think my character’s getting AWFULLY unsympathetic!

Ed Meese: No…

Jim: Ron, why don’t you take care of the acting, we’ll take care of the writing? Okay?

President Ronald Reagan: BUt why would the President try to take money away from old people and poor people and kids? I — you know, I just don’t understand it! What’s my motivation?

Ed Meese: Look — Ron…

President Ronald Reagan: And another thing, another thing. If there are any more scenes involving pistols, I want a stand-in! [ Meese shakes his head ] Or at least use BLANKS!

Ed Meese: Alright, look, Ron — Ronnie, who’s directing this picture? Huh?! You… or me?

President Ronald Reagan: Look, Ed, all I want is a stuntman.

Ed Meese: I realize that.

President Ronald Reagan: Like the one we used in that other movie, where I played the governor of California.

Ed Meese: Look — look, Ronnie… between you and me, huh? Pretty soon, we’re gonna go back to the ran– Uh, the western location, okay? And we’ll shoot some ranch stuff, alright?

President Ronald Reagan: Ohhhh, good! I enjoy the horses!

Ed Meese: I know you do! I know you do!

President Ronald Reagan: You know, Ed… that’s what this picture needs — MORE action! Like that Libyan scene! Remember? When you flew those jets out of the sky? Ed… why wasn’t I in that scene?

Ed Meese: Look, Ronnie, don’t worry about it! It was a night shoot, and you need your rest. We didn’t want to wake you.

[ JIm steps forward ]

Jim: Let’s go. [ to Reagan ] How do you feel? You feel good?

President Ronald Reagan: Fine, fine.

Ed Meese: Alright, Make-Up! Let’s get Make-Up in here and shoot this next scene, okay?

[ the Make-Up lady enters and begins to wipe around the lens that represents Reagan’s face ]

President Ronald Reagan: Ed…? Ed…? What’s an AWAC?

Ed Meese: Ron! Please! Just let her do her job, okay? [ to the Make-Up lady ] Alright, get it all IN the hair! Get it all in here! He looks like a pumpkin! Put it up in here.

Elaine: Uh, Mr. Meese? Mr. Meese? The Press is here.

Ed Meese: Alright, everybody! Quiet, please! We’re gonna get ready to roll, okay?

President Ronald Reagan: I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. Meese.

Ed Meese: SHUT UP, Ron! Please! Everybody, get ready! Screen, Sound, and Slate!

[ the Marker steps forward with the slate ]

Marker: Presidential Press Conference, Take 1!

Ed Meese: And… ACTION!

[ the reporters rush into the Oval Office and surround the screen ]

Reporters: MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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