Category: 1993

Satan’s Mystique

Satan…..Patrick Stewart
Underling 1…..Rob Schneider
Underling 2…..David Spade
Underling 3…..Norm MacDonald

[ open in Hell, fiery background music playing ]

Satan: I swear by all that is evil, vengeance shall be mine! The hosts of Heaven will kneel before me and lick my boots!

Underling 1: How will you do it, sire?

Satan: You puny spawn of monkey sweat! You miserable bucket of pus fluids! You dare to question me?!

Underling 1: No, sire.. I only..

Satan: Silence, you fetted pile of insect saliva! How will I reap vengeance?! I will unleash the hordes of Hell on God’s earth, and all will bow down before me, their true King! I will devour them as I do.. this grape! [ laughs evilly while chewing the grape, but starts to choke on it ] Oh, God..! I can’t breathe..! The grape is stuck..! [ coughs it up ]

Underling 1: Master, are you alright?

Satan: Silence!! [ gasps ] The juice.. the juice from the grape hit the wrong pipe.. the wrong pipe.. somebody, please help..! [ recovers ]

Underling 2: Don’t feel embarrassed, sire, that happens to everybody – even the Lord of Hades.

Satan: Silence, you whining welch! You dare address me as an equal!

Underling 2: But, Master, I was worried about you.

Satan: Worried?! Worried?! Better to worry that I will change your blood to fire! That I will.. I will hit you.. you know.. on your head!

[ fiery background music trails off ]

Underling 1: Okay, that one started out strong, but kind of trailed off. Plus, earlier.. the fetted pile of insect saliva? How exactly would you pile saliva?

Underling 3: Yeah, that one kind of threw me, too, you know? I mean, I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, you know, because you’re the master of the whory netherworld there, but, uh.. now, after that grape thing..

Satan: You dare mock me?!

Underling 2: You know, in the future, any one of us would be happy to prechew your grapes.

Satan: Are you mad?! Do you know what you are flirting with?! I will feed your steaming organs to all the hounds of Hell! I will watch your eyes burn.. til the cows come home!

Underling 3: Til the cows come home?

Satan: Sweet Lucifer! Do my ears deceive me, or did you just question my word of choice?

Underling 3: Oh, alright, sorry.. go on.

Satan: Go on?! Go on?! As if I was some prattling schoolboy?! You tell me to go on?! The serpents of Hell will urge me to go on as they watch me feast on your bloody entrails!

Underling 3: Oh, will you feast on my bloody entrails until, uh.. the cows come home?

Underling 2: You know, I, personally, would not move on to chewing bloody entrails until I mastered grapes!

Satan: This just cannot be! You monkey warts! You.. you maggot monkeys! I will slice open your monkey bellies, and your blood will spill from your monkey bowels!

Underling 1: You know what occurred to me? Just think how empty that sentence would have been without the word “monkey”.

Satan: [ angry ] What?!

Underling 2: Easy, big fellow!

Satan: Big fellow?! You dare address me as anything but Lord of Evil, or, at the very least, Master of Darkness?!

Underling 1: Or, how about, Lover of the Word Monkey?

Satan: What?! [ at a sudden loss of words, struggles to express his thoughts coherently ]

Underling 2: [ mimics Satan ] Sputter! Sputter! Sputter! What’s the deal! Say it, don’t spray it, Chief!

Satan: [ aghast ] Am I dreaming, or did somebody just say to the Magnificent Hellbeast, the all-powerful Lord of Darkness, “Say it, don’t spray it?!”

Underling 3: Hey, is it just me, or does the big guy here essentially just repeat everything we say, except all incredulous?

Satan: [ stunned ] Well, this is something.. I am speechless. No, seriously! I am in awe! I snap my fingers, and you are.. monkeys! [ snaps fingers ]

[ underlings now appear as three monkeys, who continue to laugh at Satan ]

Underling 1: What a surprise, we’re monkeys.

Underling 2: Oh, this is terrible. Instead of people burning in Hell, we’re monkeys burning in Hell. What a step down.

Underling 3: Smart move not turning us into grapes!

[ the monkeys laugh as scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

Sexy Cakes

Baker…..Patrick Stewart
Young Man…..Rob Schneider
Gay Guy 1…..Tim Meadows
Gay Guy 2…..David Spade
Woman…..Julia Sweeney

[ young Man enters Sexy Cakes bakery ]

Baker: Hi! Welcome to Sexy Cakes, the erotic bakery.

Young Man: I walk by this place, I never thought I’d go inside it.

Baker: Well, I think you’ll find that it’s a little more fun than an ordinary bakery.

Young Man: Yeah, my friend’s having a bachelor party, and I thought it might be kind of fun if I got him an erotic cake.

Baker: Well, you have come to the right place. I have the perfect sexy cake for a bachelor party. [ opens box ] Oh, what about this one. What do you think?

Young Man: Looks like a woman going to the bathroom.

Baker: Yeah! It’s very sexy!

Young Man: What else do you have?

Baker: Oh, I understand.. it’s not, perhaps, your cup of tea. Perhaps, maybe this sexy cake might be more up your alley. [ opens box ]

Young Man: This is the exact same cake.

Baker: No, no, no.. this is chocolate.

Young Man: Yeah, but it’s still a woman going to the bathroom.

Baker: Exactly! [ customers walk in ] Oh.. could you excuse me for a moment?

Gay Guy 1: Hi, we’re here to pick up our cake.

Gay Guy 2: [ sighs ] Yes, the man-on-man lemon meringue.

Baker: Right. [ retrieves cake ] I took a little artistic license with this one, but, well, I think you’ll enjoy the results.

Gay Guy 1: Hey, this is a woman going to the bathroom.

Baker: Yeah, it’s very exciting, isn’t it? That’ll be $15.

Gay Guy 1: We wanted a cake of two guys having sex.

Baker: Yeah, I know.. I guess you could say I sexied it up for you! No extra charge.

Gay Guy 2: [ whispering to his buddy ] The party’s tonight.. [ to Baker ] We’ll take it.

Baker: Thank you! [ customers leave, returns to Young Man ] Uh, you’ll have to excuse me, it has been like this all day.

Young Man: What other types of cakes do you have?

Baker: Well, why don’t we take a look at our catalogue.. [ opens catalogue ] Now, you see this, it shows every sexy, titilating cake we offer. Oh, now here’s a woman squatting behind some bushes – the leaves are made of spun sugar. And.. [ laughs ] ..here’s a lady using a little mazipan port-o-potty.

Young Man: So, all your cakes are women going to the bathroom?

Baker: Yeah. What’s your point?

Young Man: Well, don’t you have anything else?

Baker: Maybe you don’t understand – this is an erotic bakery.

Young Man: I’m sorry, I just don’t find this very erotic.

Baker: A woman gonig to the bathroom, you don’t find it erotic?

Young Man: No, not really.

Baker: Well, then, what, pray tell, would you suggest we do put on our erotic cakes?

Young Man: I don’t know.. people having sex.. female and male genitalia.. you know, something like that.

Baker: Well, if that’s what you’re after, I suggest you try Hostess or Sara Lee!

Young Man: Can’t you just make a cake with a couple on it having sex?

Baker: Alright, look, I’ll tell you what I’ll do.. I will make a cake with a woman and a man going to the bathroom. And, that way, you’ll be happy, and your friends will be happy.

Young Man: I don’t think my friends would like that, either.

Baker: Well, I would certainly like to meet these friends of yours sometime.

Young Man: Look, could we just have a cake with sex and no going to the bathroom?

Baker: May I remind you that you are going to have to eat this cake?

Young Man: I’ll tell you what – just give me a regular cake with nothing on it.

Baker: [ closes catalogue abruptly ] I’m sorry. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Young Man: Why?

Baker: This is some kind of joke, isn’t it? Who put you up to this, a fraternity?! You get out! Go on, get out of here, young man!

[ Young Man runs out of the bakery ]

[ Woman enters bakery ]

Woman: Hi. Um.. it’s my fiance’s birthday.. um, can I get a cake shaped like a woman going to the bathroom?

Baker: Ab-so-lutely! [ winks at camera ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: Episode 12

93l: Patrick Stewart / Salt-N-Pepa

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon

[rotating globe in outer space; music]Don Pardo V/O: “Weekend Update” with Kevin Nealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheers and applause.Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon. Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin quickly assembles his papers. Dissolve to a closer view of Kevin at the desk]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.

President Clinton lifted the 19-year-old trade embargo against Vietnamon Thursday. Since then, it was reported that Jane Fonda videos havebeen selling like hotcakes.

Also, Vietnam is expected to be a lucrative new market for such American products as California white wines, since they go so well with dog.

[picture of William “The Refrigerator” Perry] In a surpriseannouncement, President Clinton appointed William Perry to replace LesAspin as Secretary of Defense. Perry said, “A good defense is a goodoffense.”

President Clinton also told junior high school students in Washingtonthis week that sex is not a sport but a responsibility, and according to Arkansas state troopers, he used to be responsible four or five nights a week. [applause]

In other news, Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan repudiated ananti-white, anti-Semitic speech by one of his aides, Khalid Muhammad,last week after pressure from Jesse Jackson, black congressionalleaders, and the Bow Tie Manufacturers of America.

In a related story, as a result of Khalid Muhammad’s statements, tourism in the Nation of Islam is expected to plunge.

Drug enforcement agents this week impounded a toilet paper makingmachine from Venezuela that was used to smuggle cocaine. Customofficials became suspicious when they heard the delivery man say,“Please don’t snort the Charmin.”

In other news, the space shuttle Discovery lifted off on Friday with the first Russian ever to be launched in an American spacecraft. Tests will be conducted aboard the shuttle to see how weightlessness affectswaiting in long bread lines.

Well, former Iran-Contra figure Oliver North announced his candidacy for the U.S. Senate in Virginia last week. North said if elected, he would limit himself to two terms in Congress, which would just about complete his remaining hours of community service.

Violent protests by French fishermen, all over falling prices andcompetition, took place in France this week. At least two fishermen and fifteen policemen were injured, most of them boned and filleted.

To make a point, the defiant fishermen destroyed crates of fish, burneda building, and took Mrs. Paul hostage. More on that as it develops.

The phone company is recalling its new Yellow Pages due to a misprint. Apparently seventeen people took their own lives after the suicidehotline number was confused with Nike’s “1-800-JUST-DO-IT” number.

In a related story, 900 joggers were calmly talked out of buying newrunning shoes.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, this quick primer on legal terminology:
[picture of Erik & Lyle Menendez] Shooting,
[picture of Lorena Bobbit] Knifing,
[picture of Tonya Harding] Clubbing,
[picture of Bills running back Thurman Thomas] Choaking. [applause]

And in entertainment, I’ll Do Anything opened in theaters acrossthe country this weekend. The movie is the story of Tonya Harding’sstrategy for making it to the Olympics.

In other entertainment news, actress Shannon Doherty can be seen nude in an upcoming issue of Playboy magazine. Doherty said she decided to pose for the periodical after she found her clothes to beunreasonable and difficult to work with.

In sports news, former NBA star Michael Jordan has accepted a tryoutinvitation from baseball’s Chicago White Sox. Always a perfectionist,Jordan says he’ll play only if he’s good enough for Major League-caliber ball. If not, he’ll play for the Mets. [applause]

Well, two new studies this week claim that smoking can increase aperson’s risk of colon cancer, although both studies admitted that thesmokers who are most likely to suffer from colon cancer are those whoinhale really, really deep.

In a related story, a new study finds almost no connection between hairdye and fatal cancers unless, of course, you are using Red Dye #2.[picture of Bozo the Clown] You may want to stay away from that.

And our final story, the Walt Disney Company closed a deal this week torenovate a 42nd Street movie house in the heart of Times Square. Inhonor of the move, local hookers have asked to be greeted, “Hi ho, hi ho.”

I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

[cheers and applause as Kevin shuffles his papers; fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Hosts:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 12th, 1994

Alec Baldwin

Kim Basinger

UB40

Billy Baldwin

Stephen Baldwin

Goodfellas

Baldwin remembers the weird names of his former mob buddies.

Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger’s Monologue

Baldwin & Basinger list deficiencies, but still love one another.

Canteen Boy And The Scout Master

Scout Master (Baldwin) cozies up with Canteen Boy (Adam Sandler).

Recurring Characters: Canteen Boy.

Phillip the Hyper-Hypo

Phillip (Mike Myers) asks Robin (Basinger) to be his Valentine.

Recurring Characters: Phillip.

UB40 performs “C’est La Vie”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

After fumbled Valentine, Ike Turner (Tim Meadows) and Kevin Nealon sing “Proud Mary.”

Recurring Characters: Ike Turner.

Family Feud

Baldwin Family only gives Hollywood answers.

Romantic Man

Classic Hollywood-type romantic men (Baldwin, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers) sing
for woman (Julia Sweeney) and her boyfriend (Chris Farley).

The Adventures of Tiny Elvis

Tiny Elvis (Rob Schneider) is shrunk to microscopic size.

Recurring Characters: Tiny Elvis.

UB40 “Can’t Help Falling In Love”

Pyramid Of Pain

Mickey Ross (Baldwin) beats fat woman into losing weight.

Farley/Kim

Basinger and Chris Farley share a sweet moment in her dressing room.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Canteen Boy And The Scoutmaster

Scout Master…..Alec Baldwin
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler
Boy scout #1…..Chris Farley
Boy scout #2…..David Spade
Boy scout #3…..Jay Mohr

[ Title card read by narrator in V/O: “The following sketch, “Canteen Boy and the Scout Master”, is based on actual events. It tells the story of Canteen Boy, a highly intelligent though quite eccentric 27 year-old who still lives with his mother, and who, despite his age, remains active in scouting. Certain elements of Canteen Boy’s story, such as his ability to summon snakes, have been added for dramatic effect.” ]

[ Establishment shot: Exterior, night, boy scouts and Scout Master are sitting around a fire camp, near a tent. ]

Scout Master: … and hanging on the car door… was a bloody HOOK!

Boy scouts #1 to #3: AAH!

Boy scout #1: Hey, I got a cool story mister Armstrong, but I can’t tell it until Canteen Boy gets back.

Scout Master: Where is Canteen Boy?

Boy scout #2: He’s right over there!

[ Camera switches to Canteen Boy, a few feet away from fire camp, staring at a wooden owl ]

Boy scout #3: Canteen Boy come over here!

Canteen Boy: Hang on a second fell- fellows, I got a bit of a situation here!

Boy scout #2: You can relax Canteen Boy that thing is made of wood.

Canteen Boy: [ Touches the owl ] So it is. [ Canteen Boy goes sit at the fire camp ] Good eye!

Boy scout #1: Hey Canteen Boy, I got a really scary ghost story! Once upon a time there was a moron, who always had a stupid canteen wrapped around his neck!

Canteen Boy: Hey, I think I’ve heard this tale before

Boy scout #1:… it was a dark and stormy night, and this moron went into the woods, and a huge bear came up and ripped his head off! – Just ‘cause he looked so stupid! – THE END! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Canteen Boy: Hey you wanna see something really scary? Look in the mirror! Mm-mm!

Boy scout #1: Ha-ha SHUT up Canteen Boy!

Canteen Boy: Hey you shut up!

Boy scout #1: What was that?

Canteen Boy: Nothing.

Scout Master: All right guys! Lay off Canteen Boy, You can hike on back to your tents and hit the hay! Come on! Let’s go! Let’s go! [ Boy scouts are leaving, disappointed, Scout Master holds Canteen Boy’s leg ] Not you Canteen Boy! I wanted to talk to you about something. I see you take a lot of ribbing from the other scouters.

Canteen Boy: Goes with the territory mister Armstrong – it’s sticks and stones!

Scout Master: [ Putting his arm around Canteen Boy’s shoulder ] Attaboy!.. [ Looking at Canteen Boy with lust in his eye ] You know, it seems like the moment you get out of the city, all the problems sort of, fade away… [ Scout Master feels Canteen Boy’s cheek with his nose ] I’m sorry Canteen Boy my – my beard is scratchy isn’t it?

Canteen Boy: [ Very uncomfortable with the situation ] No harm done!

Scout Master: [ Continues to feel Canteen Boy’s cheek ] My beard is scratchy Canteen Boy but it gives good back rubs…

Canteen Boy: Yeah um, yeah I’ll take a rain check on that mister Armstrong.

Scout Master: [ Tears his shirt apart ] Oops! My shirt fell off!

Canteen Boy: That’s a quick fix mister Armstrong just put it back on!

Scout Master: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! That’s great Canteen Boy! Hey [Holds Canteen Boy back again, puts an hand on his leg and rubs it] Do you like wine?

Canteen Boy: Actually I prefer pure tap water um, right out of the ol’ canteen right here!

Scout Master: I’m going to get us a little…. wine…. [ Scout Master leaves ]

Canteen Boy: All right a little drop will not kill me I guess…

[ Canteen Boy hears a howl in the forest ]

Canteen Boy: Ooo-Ooo to you! Hey owl! if you’re so wise why don’t you go to sleep it’s the middle of the night! [ Canteen Boy is amused and proud of his remark. ]

[ Scout Master comes back, wearing a bath robe and holding two glasses of wine. Sits besides Canteen Boy ]

Scout Master: Ahhh… Here’s to the Great Outdoors! [ Scout Master intentionally spills wine over Canteen Boy’s sleeping bag ] Oops! Was that your sleeping bag? [ Canteen Boy’s get out of his wet sleeping bag ] You’d better share mine.. It’s Extra Large!

Canteen Boy: [ Naive about the invitation ] Sure why not, until mine dries off, it won’t take long it’s made of Gore-Tex.

Scout Master: Canteen Boy, would you um.. rub some bug repellent on my chest?

Canteen Boy: It’s February mister Armstrong I think all the bugs went down south to hibernate, I’ll be honest with you!

Scout Master: Humor me Canteen Boy!

[ Canteen Boy nervously applies lotion on Scout Master’s chest for a few seconds ]

Canteen Boy: There you go! No more bugs!

Scout Master: I have to apologize for my hairy chest, it can be a little scratchy…

Canteen Boy: Yeah.. my mom might like it as she’s a big Tom Selleck fan!

Scout Master: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You’re very funny Canteen Boy! [ Reaches out and holds Canteen Boy in his arms ] Make me laugh some more!

Canteen Boy: Actually, I left my joke book over in the tent, how about I go get it?

Scout Master: That’s okay Canteen Boy let’s just, lie here and… look at the stars…. [ Scout Master puts his mouth on Canteen Boy’s cheek and neck ] Do you know um… [ Takes Canteen Boy’s finger and suck it ] do you know how.. how to play… “Truth or Dare”…Canteen Boy?

Canteen Boy: Um, refresh me!

Scout Master: You choose between telling a secret… or doing a Dare…

Canteen Boy: All right: “Dare.”

[ Scout Master whispers something inaudible at Canteen Boy’s ear ]

Canteen Boy : [ Looking scared ] You know what mister Armstrong, let’s start off with the Truth!

Scout Master: I’ll tell you a Truth canteen Boy! You know what I hate? Underpants!

[ Scout Masters removes his underpants underneath his sleeping bag ]

Canteen Boy: Gee, I think if you worry about bugs, underpants would be your last line of defense!

Scout Master: [ Throwing his underpants away ] Problem solved!

Canteen Boy: Your problem’s solved but I think my problem’s just beginning! [ Scout Master forces Canteen Boy into spoon like position ] Aahhh What the hell is that?

Scout Master: I don’t know, it must have been a bed bug.

Canteen Boy: That was pretty big for a bed bug!

Scout Master: Okay it wasn’t a bed bug!

Canteen Boy: Let’s go back to saying it was a bed bug! Hey you know what, the park ranger just called! He said: “one camper per sleeping bag!” Sorry! Adios Amigos! [ Canteen Boy tries to leave sleeping bag, Scout Master holds him back ]

Scout Master: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! God you make me laugh Canteen Boy!

[ Scout Masters holds Canteen Boy and falls asleep – the morning after…]

Scout Master: [ Wakes up ] I’m sorry Canteen Boy, I fell asleep before anything happened.

Canteen Boy: No harm done!

Scout Master: Well who’s hungry? I’m gonna go make us a power breakfast! [ Scout Master leaves ]

Canteen Boy: Okay…[ Canteen Boy gets up, whistles to summon snakes and runs away ]

Scout Master: [ Scout Master returns ] Canteen Boy have you ever had a Mimosa? Canteen Boy? [ Snakes “charge” at Scout Master from various location ] Ha! Ha! Ha!.. Canteen Boy you rascal!”

[ Fade out ]

Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Family Feud

Ray Combs…..Phil Hartman
Bob Fitzgerald…..Kevin Nealon
Karen Fitzgerald…..Julia Sweeney
Bob Fitzgerald, Jr……Jay Mohr
Jodie Fitzgerald…..Sarah Silverman
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Kim Basinger
…..Billy Baldwin
…..Stephen Baldwin
James Baldwin…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Family Feud game show show set ]

Don Pardo V/O: It’s time for the Family Feud! With your host, Ray Combs!

[ Ray Combs runs onto the sight, hyper and excited ]

Ray Combs: Alright! Thank you, Don Pardo! Let’s meet our families! First, let’s say hello to The Fitzgeralds! [ audience applauds as Ray steps up to The Fitzgeralds, an average-looking family of four ] Bob Fitzgerald, you’re the comptroller for a small trucking company in Shawnee mission, Kansas.

Bob Fitzgerald: [ meekly ] No?

Ray Combs: Sorry. [ flips through his index cards ] You’re a meat inspector from Duluth, Minnesota?

Bob Fitzgerald: That’s correct.

Ray Combs: Alright! Who do you have with you today, Bob?

Bob Fitzgerald: [ pan across to Bob’s excited family ] Well, this is my wife, Karen; and this is my son from my first marriage, Bob, Jr.; and this is our foster child, Jodie, she’s a ward of the state.

Ray Combs: Alright! Let’s meet our second family! Say hello to The Baldwins! [ crosses set to approach The Baldwins ] Alright, Alec – it says that you’re a movie star from Hollywood, California!

Alec Baldwin: That’s correct, Ray.

Ray Combs: And who do you have with you today?

Alec Baldwin: Uh, my wife, Kim, she’s also a movie star from Hollywood; and, uh, my brother, Billy, he’s a movie star; my brother Stephen is also a movie star.

Stephen Baldwin: Yo!

Alec Baldwin: And, uh, filling in for my brother, Danny, is my cousin, author James Baldwin.

James Baldwin: It is my distinct pleasure to play the Feud.

Ray Combs: Okay! Baldwins, Fitzgeralds! You heard James – let’s play the Feuuuuuuud! [ Alec and Bob meet Ray at the podium ] A hundred people surveyed, top five answerrs on the boared: Name something you’d find.. in the bathroom!

[ Alec quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Alec?

Alec Baldwin: Daily Variety!

[ members of The Baldwins clap and chant “Good answer!” ]

Ray Combs: Show me Daily Varietyyyyyyyy!!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ooooohhh.. Bob?

Bob Fitzgerald: Uh.. extra roll of toilet paper?

Ray Combs: Show me toilet paperrrrrrr!!

[ board reveals “Toilet Paper 53” in top slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Very good! Bob! Play or pass?

Bob Fitzgerald: Uh.. I think, uh.. uh, I think we’re gonna pass, it’s a tough one.

[ Alec and Bob return to their families ]

Ray Combs: Alright. [ approaches Kim ] Baldwins! Kim. Something you might find in a bathroom. Three seconds.

Kim Basinger: A People’s Choice award!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: She says a People’s Choice Award!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Oooohhh.. first strike. Let’s go to Billy. Billy, one hudred people surveyed: something you find in the bathroom.

Billy Baldwin: A fax machine.

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: Can I see a fax machiiiiine!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ooohhh.. two strikes. Another one, and, Fitzgeralds, get ready to steal. Steve. Tell me something you might find.. in a bathroom.

Stephen Baldwin: A People’s Choice award!

Ray Combs: That’s already been said. We’re looking for something that might be found in a bathroooooom.

Stephen Baldwin: A personal trainer!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: Show me personal trainerrrrrrrr!!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ohhhhhhh! Okay, over to The Fitzgeralds! [ approaches The Fitzgeralds ] What have we got?

[ The Fitzgeralds yell out various answers: towels, soap, plunger, toothpaste, etc. ]

Ray Combs: Bob, what’s it gonna be?

Bob Fitzgerald: Well, I heard a lot of good answers, but I’m gonna have to go with my gut. Toilet.

Ray Combs: I need a toileeeeeeeeeeeeett!

[ board reveals “Toilet 41” in second slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Karen! Kim! Let’s play the Feud! [ Kim and Karen meet Ray at the podium ] A hundred people surveyed, top five answers on the board: Name someone.. you might call in an emergency!

[ Kim quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Kim!

Kim Basinger: Mike Ovitz!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: One hundred people surveyed – how many said Mike Oviiiiitz!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Oooooohhh.. sorry, Kim.

Kim Basinger: Who are these people? This is impossible!

Ray Combs: Look, why don’t we just skip this category, and give the points to The Fitzgeralds!

[ The Fitzgeralds cheer ]

Ray Combs: Billy! Bob, Jr.! Come on, let’s play the Feud!

[ Kim and Karen return to their families, as Billy and Bob, Jr. meet Ray at the podium ]

Ray Combs: A hundred regular, average American citizens surveyed. Ordinary, run-of-the-mill Joes, Billy. Their top three answers on the board: Name a city you might find in The Bible!

[ Billy quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Billy?

Billy Baldwin: That would be Aspen.

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Okay, why don’t we move on with this one and just give the points to The Fitzgeralds!

[ The Fitzgeralds cheer ]

Kim Basinger: Come on!

Ray Combs: Oh, settle down, Kim! Now, let’s keep this moving. Stephen! Jodie! Come on, let’s play the Feud!

[ Billy and Bob, Jr. return to their families, as Stephen and Jodie meet Ray at the podium ]

Ray Combs: Okay, final round, triple the points, so, Baldwins.. you still can win! [ flips ] Okay, okay! Steve. We surveted a hundred Hollywood actresses, top three answers on the board: Things you do over Christmas!

[ Stephen quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Stephen.

Stephen Baldwin: Liposuction!

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Show me Liposuctiiiiiiiion!

[ board reveals “Liposuction 46” in top slot ]

Ray Combs: Number One answer! [ approaches The Baldwins ] James Baldwin, one hundred actresses surveyed. Things you do over Christmas.

James Baldwin: Hmm.. I should know this.. [ thinking ] Ah, yes, uh.. breast reduction, like the OPunky Brewster girl.

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Punky Brewster had a breast reductiiiiiiion!

[ board reveals “Breast Reduction 31” in second slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Okay! One to go. Alec. [ in a whisper ] One hundred actresses surveyed.. something.. you do.. over Christmas.

Alec Baldwin: [ thinking ] Collagen injections!

Ray Combs: Barbara Hershey had it – collagen injections!

[ board reveals “Collagen Injections 26” in bottom slot ]

[ The Baldwins cheer their win ]

Ray Combs: Congratulations, Baldwins! You ran the category and.. win the game! Alright, it’s time for our Quick Money round! Who wants to play!

Baldwins: Kim! Kim! Kim! Kim!

Ray Combs: Kim! Join me over here, you have fifteen sdeconds! [ Kim follows Ray to the center of the set ] One hundred people surveyed – go! [ clock begins ticking ] A place you might go for a birthday.

Kim Basinger: Spago.

Ray Combs: Something you do before leaving work.

Kim Basinger: Call Spago!

Ray Combs: Something you might read on a bus.

Kim Basinger: Spago’s menu!

Ray Combs: A place where you might look for a lost sock.

Kim Basinger: Spago!

Ray Combs: And, someone you might call while on vacation.

Kim Basinger: Mike Ovitz!

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Okay, you said Spago for almost every answer. Let’s see… Spagooooooooo!!

[ the board reveals blanks and zeroes all the way down, except for a single point for the Mike Ovitz answer ]

Ray Combs: Zero.. zero.. zero.. zero.. Mike Ovitz, 1! Okay! Each point is worth five dollars! Baldwins, you win five dollars!! Come on! [ all The Baldwins join Ray and Kim at the center of the set, as they wave goodbye ] That’s it, wave goodbye!

[ “Mark Goodson Production” logo appears on screen ]

Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Saturday Night Live”‘s 300th game show parody! Congratulations, guys!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Alec Baldwin’s Goodfellas

…..Alec Baldwin
Skinny Lou…..Fred Wolf
Jimmy “Two-Times”…..Jay Mohr
Bobby “Buckethead”…..Chris Farley
Jimmy “Five-Times”…..Rob Scneider
Bobby”Buckethead”…..Chris Farley
Johnny “Big Balls”…..Phil Hartman
Ricky “Pause-and-Shout”….Norm MacDonald
Nick “The Puppet” Lamponi…..Kevin Nealon
Denise “Who-Let-Her-Kind-In-Here?” Washington…..Ellen Cleghorne
Gina “The Clap” Vanetti…..Julia Sweeney
“Out-of-Focus” Eddie…..David Spade
“Naked” Derek…..Tim Meadows
Jonny “The Informer”…..Mike Myers
Stacy “Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger”…..Kim Basinger
Ed “The Complete Idiot”…..Adam Sandler

Alec Baldwin: Hello, I’m Alec Baldwin. Whenever I come back to New York, I visit my old neighborhood of Massapequa, Long Island . A lot of guys I grew up with are still there. Tough guys. We called ’em “wise guys”. And even though I became an actor, as far back as I can remember – I always wanted to be a “wise guy”.

[ cut to footage of Massapequa ]

[ Music Over: “Rags To Riches”, Tony Bennett ]

Alec Voiceover: When I was growing up in Massapequa, the mob wasall over the place. Because I knew them, I was treated with respect.

[ dissolve to interior, Bamboo Lounge, where the camera pans across theroom to each mobster, one at a time ]

Alec Voiceover: I remember there was Jimmy and Tommy..

Jimmy & Tommy; Hey-hey!

Alec Voiceover: There was Frankie Carboni..

Frankie Carboni: Hey, how ya doin’?

Alec Voiceover: There was my brother’s friend, Skinny Lou..

Skinny Lou: Hey, I took care of the thing for ya.

Alec Voiceover: And there was Jimmy “Two-Times”, who got that nicknamebecause he said everything twice..

Jimmy “Two-Times”: I’m gonna go get the papers. Get the papers.

Alec Voiceover: You had Bobby “Buckethead”..

Bobby Buckethead: [ wearing bucket on his head ] Hey, what’s up, Alec?

Alec Voiceover: And there was Jimmy “Five-Times”..

Jimy “Five-Times”: I gotta get the papers. Get the papers. Get the papers. [ pause ] Get the papers. Get the papers.

Alec Voiceover: There was Johnny “Big Balls”..

Johnny “Big Balls”: Hey, I got something to show you! [ Alec’s handgoes up ] Alright, suit yourself.

Alec Voiceover: And Ricky “Pause-and-Shout”..

Ricky “Pause-and-Shout”: Hey, how’s it.. [ pause ] ..goin’!

Alec Voiceover: And there was Nick “The Puppet” Lamponi..

Nick “The Puppet” Lamponi: [ holds puppet out ] How ya’ doin’?

Alec Voiceover: And Denise “Who-Let-Her-Kind-in-Here?” Washington..

Denise “Who-Let-Her-Kind-in-Here?” Washington: I got off at the wrongsubway stop.

Alec Voiceover: And there was Sonny “Via-From-Satellite” Vanerro..

Sonny “Via-From-Satellite” Vanerro: [ shown on TV set perched on barcounter ] Hey! Greetings from Tokyo! [ laughs ]

Alec Voiceover: And there was Anthony “Santa” DeJenko..

Anthony “Santa” DeJenko: [ walks past wearing Santa suit ] Hey, how’sit goin’?

Alec Voiceover: And the girls – “Cold Sore” Carol and Gina “The Clap”Vanetti..

Gina “The Clap” Vanetti: How come you don’t call me?

Alec Voiceover: You had “Out-of-Focus” Eddie..

“Out-of-Focus” Eddie: [ fuzzy camera view ] What ya’ lookin’ at..?

Alec Voiceover: And don’t forget Pete “The Pedophile”..

Pete “The Pedophile”: Hey, when ya’ gonna bring the kids over?

Alec Voiceover: And “Naked” Derek..

“Naked” Derek: [ naked ] Hey, when ya’ gonna bring the kids over?

Alec Voiceover: My sister’s friend, Johnnyy “The Informer”..

Johnny “The Informer”: [ talking into gun handle ] Hey, hey, Alec, justbetween youse and me, what’s the good word on the street? What’s goin’on, huh? [ points pistol at camera ]

Alec Voiceover: He wasn’t too popular. Also, there was Stacy”Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger”..

Stacy “Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger”: How are ya’?

Alec Voiceover: She was real popular. And, of course, there wasEd “The Complete Idiot”..

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: : Hi.

Alec Voiceover: .. who we decided to call that because he was acomplete idiot.

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: What’s up?

Alec Voiceover: You see, he was such a moron, the name kinda suggesteditself..

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: Yeah, how ya’ doin’?

Alec Voiceover: First, it was just Ed “The Idiot”, but it didn’tseem enough – hence, Ed “The Complete Idiot”..

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: [ angry ] Alright, we get it! I’m an idiot!Move on!

Alec Baldwin: [ now stands in front of the camera ] And, of course,there I was. Those were great days back then. Everyone had a greatnickname, except me. Although, sometimes they used to call me “Wide Load”.I have no idea where that came from. [ walks off to reveal a huge butt, thenturns around ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Herlihy Boy House-Sitting Service

Mr. O’Malley…..Chris Farley
Herlihy Boy…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: If you leave home this holiday season, why not let the Herlihy Boy be your housesitter? Out of an estimated 50,000 professional housesitters in the world, the Herlihy Boy is by far the best.

[ dissolve to disheveled-looking Herlihy Boy staring menacingly intothe canera ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. Let me water your plants. Please, while you’re gone? Let me water your plants. It would mean so much to me, if you would just let me water your plants. Come on, you’re not gonna be there! Somebody’s gotta water them! Why.. why can’t it be me? Please? Hey! Hey! Please? Lwt me water your plants.

Mr. O’Malley: Come on, let the boy water your plants! [ almost cries ]

Herlihy Boy: Hi, hello. Are you good? Good! Let me bring in your mail. While you’re gone. Come on, please? Let me bring in your mail? There’ll be so much mail in your mailbox while you’re away. Let me bring the mail in the house for you. Come on, I’m already gonna be watering your plants! Just say yes to letting me bring in your mail. Please? Don’t look away – look at me! I honestly and sincerely would like to bring in your mail.

Mr. O’Malley: He’s a good hard-working boy! Let him bring inyour mail!

Herlihy Boy: Hey, look who’s here! It’s nice to see you again, you look great! Let me sleep in your bed. Don’t shake your head “no”. Let me sleep in your bed. You’re not even gonna be there. Please let me sleep in your bed? Nothing weird’s gonna happen. I’ll sleep in the exact same position as you sleep. You can trust me. I’ll even wash the sheets before you come back, how’s that? Please?

Mr. O’Malley: Sweet Mother of God, what is the hold up?! Let the boy sleep in your damn bed! He said he’d wash your sheets!

Herlihy Boy: Please don’t make me wash the sheets.

Mr. O’Malley: He’s a clean boy! Wash your own damn sheets! For God’s sakes!

Herlihy Boy: Let me move in with you, please? When you come back home, don’t make me leave. Please, let me move in with you? I’ll push all my things in the corner. That’ll be my little area. Please? I won’t bother you. You won’t even have to look at me. Please, let me move in with you, please? I’d like an answer, and I’d like that answer to be “yes”. Please? I’ve already slept in your bed. If you didn’t want me to move in, why’d you let me sleep in your bed? Just let me move in with you, please?

Mr. O’Malley: Can we STOP this cruel game! And allow the boyto keep ONE shred of diginity! For God’s sake, I can’t STAND to see him in all this pain!! You VICIOUS BASTARDS!! Let him move in with you!! Is it so bad to see somebody happy?! So just let him MOVE IN!! For the LOVE OF GOD, let the boy move in with you!! Good Lord!!

Herlihy Boy: I’m not gonna beg you. My track record speaks foritself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.

[ Mr. O’Malley reaches over to give the Herlihy Boy a hearty hug ]

Announer: The Herlihy Boy House-Sitting Service. Let’s face it,he’s coming over anyway.

SNL Transcripts

Charlton Heston’s Monologue

…..Charlton Heston
Female Ape Audience Member…..Sarah Silverman
Male Ape Audience Member #1…..Tom Davis
Male Ape Audience Member #2…..
Male Ape Audience Member #3…..Norm MacDonald
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Captured slave Charlton Heston!

[ two members of the ape army drag a shackled Heston onto Home Base – the ape audience is pleased ]

Charlton Heston: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, even it is as a prisoner.

[ the members of the ape army growl at Heston ]

Now, now.. you apes are probably wondering how a.. human being like me can.. talk! Am I some kind of a mutant? Nah. Well, if there’s one thing I want to make clear to you apes tonight.. it’s that I am not a mutant! I am a human being!! I can speak! But I am not a mutant! [ female ape audience member stands ] Yeah? Yes? There seems to be a question now.

Female Ape Audience Member: Yeah, are you some kind of talking mutant?

Charlton Heston: Nooo! I just said I’m not a mutant! I’m a human being! From your past, when human beings spoke! [ male ape audience member stands ] Yes.. yes?

Male Ape Audience Member #1: Uh.. are there.. are there other talking mutants?

Charlton Heston: I told you I am not a mutant! You don’t understand! [ points to another ape in the audience ] Yes.. over here.

Male Ape Audience Member #2: Where do you keep your tribe of talking mutants?

Charlton Heston: [ exasperated ] I don’t think you’re paying attention to what I’m telling you! [ points to another ape ] Yes? Yes?

Male Ape Audience Member #3: Yeah, uhh.. am I crazy, or are you a, uh.. [ extended pause ] ..are you a human?

Charlton Heston: Yes! Yes, I am!

Male Ape Audience Member #3: Then, where the hell did you learn to talk like an ape, you damn mutant?!

Charlton Heston: This is insane! [ pushes the apes away ] Let go off me! [ looks around ] Lorne? Lorne! Is Lorne here?

[ two other member of the ape army drag a shackled, yet highball-holding, Lorne Michaels before Heston ]

Lorne Michaels: There you are. Just play along – the apes are a great audience! They’re crazy about humans!

Charlton Heston: It’s a madhouse! It’s a madhouse! Well.. I guess I have no choice. you apes are a good audience.. we have a great show for you. Paul Westerberg is here, so.. stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

Infiniti Q45 Toilet I

Jonathan Pryce…..Mike Myers

Jonathan Pryce: [ taps on screen with marker ] Can I borrow your TV screen.

This is how waste exits a conventional toilet bowl.

[ draws downward curlicues on left side of screen ]

And this is how waste exits the new Infiniti Q-45 Toilet.

[ draws straight downward line on right side of screen ]

[ Jonathan walks up to a sleekly-designed toilet ]

Thanks to a revolutionary design advance known as Hyperflush, the entire process takes 0.8 seconds. How? [ laughs ] I could give you a practical demonstration, but I’d have to mess up your screen a lot.

Buy or lease an Infiniti Q-45 Toilet from an Infiniti dealer today.

[ SUPER: “Infiniti. Everything that’s possible in a toilet.” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts