[ dissolve to interior, psychiatrist’s office, close-up of David Spade lying on the couch ]
David Spade: Doctor, I appreciate you seeing me on such short notice. It’s been really weird coming back to the show this week. I mean, it’s fun, but it’s different.. People keep getting mad at me because I can’t remember everyone’s name.. like that Jim Meadows guy.
Therapist: You mean, Tim Meadows.
David Spade: Are you sure? Black guy?
Therapist: That’s right.
David Spade: Oh. When I try to talk about the “good old days” with Rock and Sandler and Farley, everyone just rolls their eyes, bored. I think the biggest probelem is that I’m extra-famous now, and it bothers people.
Therapist: Hmm..
David Spade: And the second problem is, I’m on a hit show.
[ camera pans up to reveal Brad Pitt as the psychiatrist ]
Therapist: Mmm-hmm.. And is it really a hit show?
David Spade: Well, yeah..
Therapist: Like “Friends”?
David Spade: Well, no.. but that’s on Thursdays. It’s.. it’s complicated.
Therapist: Okay. I’m sorry, continue, please.
David Spade: [ shakes head ] You don’t understand.. You know how many people saw “Tommy Boy”? It’s what known as a “worldwide” hit. I’m an “international” superstar. It’s different.
Therapist: I think I understand.
David Spade: No, you don’t! It’s like jail. It cripples my travel plans – I’m like a sideshow, some sort of freak! I’m huge in Finland. I can’t step foot in Peru – I want to, but I can’t.
Therapist: So, being in a show business environment is kind of a.. safe place for you, isn’t it?
David Spade: I wish. I’m even getting too big for that. Like, a few nights ago, I went to see the world premiere of this movie “Meet Joe Black”.. cameras flashing, paparazzi everywhere.. How many pictures do you need?!! I curse the paparazzi! I curse the tabloids! Ohhh..
Therapist: Oh. So you find yourself in the tabloids a lot?
David Spade: No, not yet. But I feel it coming, any day now..
Therapist: Well, we’re about out of time.. uh.. [ looks at his pad ] ..David. Is there anything else?
David Spade: Yeah. I’m a sex symbol now.. It’s very uncomfortable, it’s really a curse. Every week, I’m with a different supermodel.
Therapist: Word on the street is, you’re not really into chicks.
David Spade: [ concerned ] What’s that? What street?
Therapist: Okay! Time’s up.
David Spade: Okay. Tha- [ looks at Brad closely ] You know who you look like?
Therapist: You?
David Spade: Yeah!
Therapist: Yeah.. yeah. I hear that a lot..
David Spade: Do you? Must be flattering!
Therapist: Oh, yes..
David Spade: So, anyhoo, what’d you write down there, anything I need to know?
Therapist: Just this.. [ reads ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Friend: Hey, I think the strippers are here! Bring on the strippers!
[ everyone cheers, as Shane the chaperone enters the room ]
Shane: Alright! Cool your jets! I’m the chaperone, my name’s Shane, and I’m gonna lay down some rules before I bring out the talent, what’s up?
Voice: Screw you!
[ everyone cheers the defiance ]
Shane: I know, right? Okay, alright, now, before we bring Crystal and Amethyste out here, I gotta give you the 4-1-1 on the do’s and dont’s of dealing with these beautfil ladies. Numero Uno: There’s no squeezing the melons.
Guys: Boo!! Boo!! Boo!!
Shane: Hey! Easy! I come in peace.
Buddy: I want a piece!
Shane: I hear ya, brother! L&C – loud and clear. But my hands are tied. Okay, Rule #2: You can check under the hood, but no checking the oil.
[ everyone cheers in excitement ]
Shane: Hey! Come on! I heard that.
Friend: Hey, bring out the whores!
Shane: Hey, hey, hey! Let’s get one thing, straight, okay? These are ladies. And they shall be treated thusly, with respect and dignity. Having said that, for an additional $4 you can lick qhipped cream off their ass.
[ everyone cheers in excitement ]
Friend: Hey, bring out the sluts!
Shane: Hey, hold on there, friend! Somebody wasn’t listening! These women are a class act, you got that? Not like you. Okay, fo an extra fiver she’ll do the Batman on your face. Tips are appreciated.
[ everyone cheers in excitement ]
Buddy: Yeah!! We’re gonna score-re!!
Shane: Hold the phone, pardner! What, are you a little slow? I told you, these are eleganyt ladies. They’re trained performers. Did you get that? Do I gotta stop again? Now, for $7.50, they will fondle your privates, but you will not fondle theirs. Unless you work that out with the artiste herself.
Friend: Can I shave her biscuit?
Shane: You sure can, buddy! [ everyone cheers ] If you got a Thomas Jefferson in your hand, and you introduce those two.. I’ll throw in a micro-trap.
Buddy: Yes!! Let’s.. get it.. on!!
Shane: I don’t believe this guy! Sir! Please! I must stress again: these are ladies, and you treat them like you treat your own sister. You got that? Now, after you pop your cork across her chest, you may purchase a Kleenex for $2 per sheet!
Friend: Hey! Can I use a sock?
Shane: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that! Alright? And yes, you can.
[ everyone cheers ]
Buddy: Yeah!! Bring on the meat!!
Shane: Don’t make me whip out my nunchuks! [ pulls up his sleeve ] You wanna get one on the trifecta! Ol’ Shano gets in three fights a week!
Friend: Yeah, and you lose three fights a week!
[ everyone laughs ]
Shane: Hey! Smartie! I’m about to lose another one, huh! Yeah! Checkmate!
[ the strippers enter the room, as the guys go crazy. Shane tries to stay and enjoy the fun, but he’s quickly shoved out the door as the scene fades ]
[Fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio. Colin is holding a sheaf of papers in his hand.]
Colin Quinn: Oh! [chuckles]
Well folks, thank you, this past Tuesday, the American people spoke. The Democrats actually gained seats in Congress, Newt Gingrich has resigned. Things are looking bad for the conservatives. I saw a right-wing extremist holding a sign today that said, “Will hate for food.” Ah….[shocked by lack of reaction] The Republicans screwed up, folks! They pushed the impeachment thing too far, they ignored the polls, they underestimated the minority voters. I haven’t seen anyone misread a room this badly since Bill Clinton whipped it out in front of Paula Jones.
Meanwhile, on the news, the uh, graphics still say “White House in crisis.” They should say “White House laughing their asses off.” Clinton’s amazing. He’s gone from “Slick Willie” to “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks onto you.”
The Republicans finally realized this thing has been dragging on too long, so now Clinton has only one final hurdle: Henry Hyde’s 81 questions. I have them right here. Okay? [starts looking at the papers] Like question 41, which says, it’s the 13th part, and it says, “As to each, do you admit or deny that you gave the following gifts to Monica Lewinsky at any time in the past: a pin of the New York City skyline?” Is this guy a hillbilly, or what?…”A large Rockettes blanket?” Another airport gift. “An Annie Lennox compact CD?” That must’ve been like, “Oh Bill, you’re so with it!”…”A box of cherry chocolates?” You know that evidence was destroyed….I mean…[some cheers] the guy has got – the guy’s got class! It sounds like the gift pack they give you after you appear on “The Jerry Springer Show.”
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Thank you, folks! Hello! I’m Colin Quinn.
John Glenn and the crew of the Space Shuttle Discovery returned to Earth safely today. Now that Glenn is home, NASA plans to spend Sunday airing out the shuttle, trying to get rid of that old-person smell. [some groans]…Come on! His good times are over! It’s time to get him!
Newly discovered descendants of Thomas Jefferson and his slave, Sally Hemmings, want to be buried in the family plot at Monticello. For many, the cemetery holds the first clue to Jefferson’s affair, since the inscription on his tombstone reads, “Once ye go black, ye never go back.”
New York’s Museum of Modern Art removed two paintings by Van Gogh because they were no longer considered modern. [photo of Newt Gingrich] [secretly] There’s a lot of that goin’ around! [little reaction]…Remember two minutes ago?
Folks, the FBI, folks. The FBI. The FBI is searching for whoever sent letters to eight abortion clinics, threatening to gas them with anthrax. Authorities think it’s people who are either anti-abortion or very, very, very pro-anthrax.
Hoping to create a tone of conciliation and understanding, demonstrators in Iran marked the 19th anniversary of the seizure of the American Embassy by inviting all the former hostages to come back and be guests. [laughter]…You know? That’s true. In a related story, former hostage Terry Waite finally worked up the courage to walk past a falafel stand.
The federal government has put out rewards for information leading to the arrest of Osama Bin Laden and his top henchman, Mohammed Atef. They’ll bring in five million apiece, or a total of 12.8 if you nab them while they’re killing Salman Rushdie….Five million dollars for a– Folks, it’s getting out of hand. Mark my words, if this keeps up, the U.N. will…be forced to create a terrorist salary cap. [chuckles mockingly] Aah, folks. [laughs]
In Bangladesh, feminist author Taslima Nasrin has disappeared. Authorities say Muslim extremists issued death threats against her for her opinions. Here’s a sample of her feminist writings: [cut to graphic with the quote] “I think when our husbands beat us, it should be done so as not to interfere with our goat-milking…I mean c’mon, it’s the 90s.” [cut to Colin; some applause]
Der Spiegel, folks. The German news magazine, Der Spiegel, defended its right to use a picture of Adolf Hitler to advertise a series about the 20th century. This could open the door for other advertisers. [doctored photo of Adolf Hitler with a milk mustache, with “Got milk?” at the bottom]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger lost her court battle to prevent 20-year-old nude pictures of her from being posted on the Internet. See, this is a terrible, terrible thing, folks. Every time some celebrity is embarrassed by old nude photos coming out, it makes it harder for us to get our girlfriends to pose naked.
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman won a substantial settlement from a London tabloid that claimed their marriage was a sham, and that Cruise is gay. Cruise scampered off with the money, and blew it on shoes. [cheers and applause]
In Tony Bennett’s new memoir, The Good Life, he reveals he had a severe cocaine habit in the ’70s. About the same time he bought his current wig. [some boos]…Come on, nobody ever says anything bad about Tony Bennett. Don’t you think it’s about time he got nailed, too?…Just because?
Patrizia Reggiani Martinelli, folks. The ex-wife of Italian fashion heir Mauricio Gucci, was convicted of ordering her husband’s murder, and was sentenced to 29 years in prison. Most agree this is a tremendous price to pay for a Gucci knock-off. [cheers and applause]…Grazi! [acts Italian while accepting response]
The hot new movie in theaters this weekend is the story of Kenneth Starr’s future with the Republican party, The Waterboy.
Now, here to take a look at what’s happening in the world of entertainment, we’re proud to welcome back “The Hollywood Minute” with our very own David Spade.
[pan over to David]
David Spade: All right! [Colin laughs] Thanks, Colin. Funny Update.
Colin: [chuckles] Thanks!
David: [laughs] I mean that, for real. All right. I, uh…but Colin! I have something to say to you. I –
Colin: Oh.
David: I’m not going to be doing “The Hollywood Minute” tonight…
Colin: [becomes disappointed] Oh–
David: …unfortunately.
Colin: Spade! What are you talking about?
David: It’s just…uh, I haven’t done it in a while…and it’s not really my thing anymore. I can’t…make fun of other celebrities. [reveals a David Spade puppet on his right hand] But he can! [cheers] [laughs] Okay, here we go…
[David uses a high-pitched, scratchy voice for his puppet]
David puppet: Ally McBeal! Maybe it’s time for you to try an Ally McMeal! [cheers and applause]
David: Hey, that’s – that’s not very nice. She looks good.
David puppet: Ted Danson has a new series, “Becker,” in which he plays a doctor. Script! Ratings! Eeeee! We lost him!
David: Come on, Ted Danson…he was – he was good on “Cheers.”
David puppet: Shut up! I got the floor!
Hi! I’m Alanis Morissette! I got the number one selling album! I’m the most popular singer in America! Hmm…what else do my fans want? Oh, yeah! A nude video showcasing my monster buttocks! [Colin laughs; cheers and applause]
Colin: He’s a bad boy!
David: He’s…rough!…Not…nice….Even for a puppet, that’s a little…
David puppet: Bobby Brown…shh! Bobby Brown recently spent five days in jail; two for drunk driving and three for his new album!
David: That was a pretty good one.
David puppet: Jason Priestley is leaving “Beverly Hills 90210” because he says…he says he wants to pursue a movie career. Jason can soon be seen on his new series, “Sacramento 93270.” [some applause]…See, because he doesn’t live in–
David: I get it. They don’t care.
Hey, Eddie Murphy, now I have to say that he was really funny in Dr. Dolittle.
David puppet: Yeah, but did you see Holy Man? Holy crap!…I guess you were wrong!
David: Hey, don’t say that! We’re friends now.
David puppet: That’s not what I heard!
David: Hi! I’m John– wait…
David puppet: Hi! I’m…[cheers and applause at David’s goof-up]
David: [laughs] I was doing good!
David puppet: Hi, I’m John Mellencamp’s wife! I used to be a Victoria’s Secret model! Now I spend my days in Seymour, Indiana milkin’ cows and gettin’ kicked in the face by horses! I could be at Skybar right now gettin’ hit on by Leonardo DiCaprio. Instead, I’m in Indiana attending the cu…the corn – corn-on-the-cob festival!
David: You got that one, buddy?…Is that joke still under construction? Should I put a hard hat on, throw down some flares? Okay.
David puppet: You are…[gradually quieter] you’re very humorous.
David: Was that your comeback? That sucks.
David puppet: Yeah, well…
David: You havin’ a little trouble with the cards there, buddy?
[cut to cue card guy Wally Feresten holding up tiny cue cards; cheers and applause, then cut to David and his puppet; David squints briefly at the cue cards then gets slapped in the face by his puppet]
David puppet: Where was I?
David: Maybe you should quit while you’re sucking.
David puppet: Speaking of sucking, I saw you on “Just Shoot Me.” [Colin chuckles]
David: All right, easy. You know, he’s getting his bearings back. We better get him out of here. Quinn! Come in here and say goodnight.
[Colin shows a Colin Quinn puppet on his left hand; the puppet has Colin’s regular voice]
Colin puppet: David Spade, everybody!
David: Yaaay!
Colin: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 14th, 1998 Joan Allen Jewel John Goodman None Opposites AttractSummary: Newt Gingrich (Chris Parnell) and President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) will miss the times they’ve shared together, and reflect upon their relationship with a song-and-dance number. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Bob Livingston. Transcript
Montage
Joan Allen’s MonologueSummary: A Steppenwolf fanatic (Will Ferrell) wants Joan Allen to sing her – their – hit “Magic Carpet Ride”. Bio: Joan Allen (1956-) was nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her performance as Pat Nixon in the 1995 biopic “Nixon.”
The Jenson MintSummary: The fake currency that will put vagrants in their place once and for all. Transcript
Martha Stewart LivingSummary: Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) takes abuse from her overbearing mother (Joan Allen). Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart. Transcript
VH-1 Sprituality AwardsSummary: Celebrities and religious figures come together to dispense the prestigious awards. Recurring Characters: Andy Dick, Maya Angelou, Jesus, Calista Flockhart, Courtney Love, Madonna. Transcript
Suel ForresterSummary: No one can understand a word lawyer Suel Forrestor (Chris Kattan) is saying as he interrogates his client’s (Chris Parnell) witness (John Goodman). Recurring Characters: Suel Forrester. Transcript
Space, The Infinite FrontierSummary: Despite having died recently, Harry Caray (Will Ferrell) continues to host his space program. Recurring Characters: Harry Caray. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Resident prescription drug “expert” Colette Reardon (Cheri Oteri) comments on some newly developed side effect-free painkillers she has her eyes on. Recurring Characters: Colette Reardon. Transcript
Learning With Jennifer TillySummary: Joan Allen and French Stewart (Jimmy Fallon) are unwilling guests on Jennifer Tilly’s (Cheri Oteri) talk show. Recurring Characters: French Stewart.
Southern GalsSummary: Southern gals Betty Lynn (Joan Allen), Ginger Lee (Cheri Oteri), Mary Faye (Ana Gasteyer) and Elizabeth (Molly Shannon) enjoy the sights of New York City. Recurring Characters: Ginger Lee, Mary Faye, Elizabeth.
Jewel performs “Down So Long”
Tarmac TalkSummary: Jerry Seinfeld (Jimmy Fallon) endures being a guest on a talk show set on a windy airport tarmac. Recurring Characters: Jerry Seinfeld. Transcript
Andy Dick…..Chris Kattan Maya Angelou…..Tracy Morgan Marilyn Manson…..Jimmy Fallon Alanis Morissette…..Cheri Oteri Jesus…..Will Ferrell Calista Flockheart…..Ana Gasteyer Will Smith…..Tim Meadows Courtney Love…..Molly Shannon Madonna…..Joan Allen
Andy Dick: Hiii! I’m Andy Dick. Welcome back to the VH1 Spirituality Awards, the only awards show to honor the hottest celebrities and the cooooolest religions. Omigod! Do you like my outfit? I borrowed it from a girl. Is that weird? What’s wrong with me? Anyway, here to present the award for best spiritual event of the year are poet Maya Angelou and glam rocker Marilyn Manson!
(Maya and Marilyn enter the stage)
Maya Angelou: You know, Marilyn, I really enjoy your albums. They are more like poetry.
Marilyn Manson: Yeah. Your poetry is a lot like greeting cards. The nominees for spiritual event of the year are: Kundun helping the starving in Nepal, a man donating a kidney to his nephew, Natalie Imbruglia, the Pope proposes Edith Stein for sainthood. Great. And the number one most spiritually meaningful event of the year is: Edith Stein proposes for sainthood. Accepting for the Lady Edith Stein is Alanis Morissette.
(Alanis Morissette walks up to the stage, she is naked just like in her video “Thank U”)
Alanis Morissette: Edith would like me to thank the Pope, the Catholic Church, and all the celebrities here tonight. [singing to the tune of “Thank U”] How ’bout Edith, thank you, thank you… VH1.
Andy Dick: I am sooooo attracted to Marilyn Manson. That’s weird, isn’t it? I should like girls. I like these girls! Okay, here to present the award for most spiritual young actor are Calista Flockheart and (gasps) JESUS!
(Calista Flockheart and Jesus enter the stage)
Jesus: (puts glasses on and arranges them) Well, Calista, you look really skinny. You should try my new low-fat fishes diet.
Calista Flockheart: Thanks, Jesus. Maybe we should do lunch? I’ll have my people call your people.
Jesus: Better get started. I have billions of people.
Calista Flockheart: Well, Jesus, it’s been an amazing year for soulful young actors.
Jesus: Being with Allah, Buddha, or even me, these young cats really know how to get their inner groove on.
Calista Flockheart: The nominees for most spiritual young actor are… Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, David Arquette, Will Smith, and Chris Rock.
Jesus: And the winner is… why am I even opening it? I’m all-knowing. The winner is Will Smith.
(Will Smith walks on to the stage for his award)
Will Smith: Hey, how you doing? Hey, man, nice seeing you, man. Wow! Whoo! Hey, I wanna thank my beautiful wife Jada! I love you, baby! Yeah! I wanna thank the supreme being, the master creator, the king of kings… Barry Sonnenfeld for casting me in “Men in Black,” man, yeah! You the man, Barry! Whoo! Peace out, all right!
Andy Dick: Ooh… Jesus and Calista Flockheart… ooh! He’s a carpenter and she’s like Karen Carpenter. Whatever. Am I gay? Okay, okay, okay. Here to present a very holy and meaningful award is the woman who’s a goddess in her own right. Please welcome, former junkie stripper, Courtney Lovvvvve!
(Courtney Love enters the stage)
Courtney Love: Okay, I’m here to give out the first annual Mahatma Gandhi Award. This award is given to an individual who has dedicated her life to spiritual pursuits… y’know, like, without giving out her essential femininin – femininity… and, some kind of ononistic show of stoisism. What. YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SH… SH… Okay. This year’s Gandhi Award goes out to Madonna.
(Madonna walks onto the stage for her award and is kissed by Courtney Love)
Madonna: Um… thank you. If nothing else, Mahatma Gandhi was a man… who knew the importance of being spiritual. The incredible spiritual journey I have taken over the last ten weeks, I owe entirely to my teachings of the Kaballa. The Kaballa is a form of ancient Jewish mysticism that I learned in a night class in L.A. We are all rays of light, eminating from deity.
(Courtney Love re-enters)
Courtney Love: Remember, Madonna, like, eight years ago, when you were, like, totally into the Virgin Mary… whatever happened to that? That’s weird.
Madonna: The desire to be known and to create comes from deity, and what is so terribly tragic…
Courtney Love: Wait, where is – w… why are you talking like that? Are you, like, from England or something? Are you from the London of England? Don’t forget, you’re from Detroit, Madonna Louise Ciconne! Detroit!
Madonna: Is that one of the tenants of Buddhism, Courtney, making fun of the way people talk?
Courtney Love: Okay, first of all, I just have to say, the Kaballa is scoffed up from mainstream Judaism. The second of all, Michael Stipe thinks it’s jackass.
Madonna: Courtney, Courtney. The goal of Buddhism is to attain Nirvana, not break it up.
Courtney Love: You SHUT UP! Shut up, you dyke! You shut up! (throws award out to the audience in anger)
Andy Dick: (makes gay noises) Okay, we got to go to a commercial. But stick around, ’cause when we come back, we got performances by – (starts shaking his hands in a gay manner) Natalie Merchant and the Devil.
Death hasn’t stopped former Cubs broadcaster Harry Carey from hosting “Space: The Infinite Frontier”. His guest is Linda Ham, the flight director for John Glenn’s return to space:
Harry Carey: Now, tell us: what was it like working with an American legend like John Glenn?
Linda Ham: Well.. Senator Glenn was, um.. [ pause ] ..an inspiration.. I.. I’m sorry.. Please, please forgive me for asking this, but didn’t you die?
Harry Carey: Yes, I did. What’s your point?
Linda Ham: Uh.. oh.. nothing..
Harry Carey: Good. Hey! So they shot the shuttle Discovery up into space!
Linda Ham: Yes.
Harry Carey: Is that thing ever coming back?
Linda Ham: Uh, it landed a week ago.
Harry Carey: How many survivors?
Linda Ham: Everyone survived, Harry.
Harry Carey: Oh. That’s a relief. [ long pause ] Hey, Linda! What was it like inventing the space shuttle?
Linda Ham: Uh.. I didn’t invent the shuttle.
Harry Carey: Well, I wonder, whoever did, made a lot of money! And then, I bet he tried to invent something else. But it wasn’t as good. Life can sometimes turn your greatest successes into your most crushing defeats!
Linda Ham: [ not sure how to respond ] Yeah.. I guess that’s right..
Harry Carey: Linda Ham! Linda Ham! Linda Ham! Does your name ever make you hungry?
Linda Ham: No. No.
Harry Carey: Well, it makes me hungry! One time, I named a sandwich “Linda”. It was a beautiful sandwich! And guess what kind of sandwich it was.
Linda Ham: I don’t know. Ham?
Harry Carey: I guess. I don’t know. Hey, Linda! When are we finally going to get over to Mars?
Linda Ham: Well, there is a manned expedition being discussed..
Harry Carey: No! I mean you and me! We could make an evening of it. We’ll head over to Mars, and I’ll bring my sandwich “Linda”. And we can make sloppy Martian love in the back of my dunebuggy. So, what do you say? Is it a date? It’s a simple question: Do you want to go to Mars with a dead guy and a sandwich? Yes or no?
Linda Ham: Uh.. no..
Harry Carey: Yeah, you’re right.. it probably wouldn’t work out. But it doesn’t hurt to be a dreamer! If we didn’t dream, we wouldn’t have the space shuttle.
Linda Ham: That’s right, Harry. That’s a very good point.
Harry Carey: Also, if we didn’t dream, our brains would devour themselves, in madness and paranoia. The Viet Cong knew that. That’s why they used sleep deprivation as a form of torture! [ long drawn-out pause ] Anyway, that’s all the time we have! Hey! Join us next week at nine o’clock Eastern time, and watch me eat an entire planet! [ stagehand whispers in Harry’s ear ] Oh! Thanks, Pete! That’s actually eight o’clock Eastern time. I’m still going to eat a planet! See you then! Cubs win! Cubs win! [ fade out ]
Announcer: You make a lot of money. And the last thing you wantto do is give your change away to some street person. It’s an awkwardsituation. That’s why the Jenson Mint offers a new line of fake change togive to the homeless. Each coin is carefully crafted to look and feel likea real quarter – at first glance. But, upon closer inspection, the hobodiscovers a disappointing message:
[ the coin reads “Not Today Friend” ]
Announcer: Each fake Jenson quarter costs just thirty-five cents – asmall price to pay for peace of mind. And, if the bum tries to cash in aJenson coin, he’ll find they’re not only worthless, but they’re stolen.That means he’ll never bother you for change again. And that’s the Americanway. The Jenson way.
Bob Livingston…..Will Ferrell Newt Gingrich…..Chris Parnell President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on exterior, Capitol Hill ]
[ fade to interior, Speaker’s office – Bob Livingston replaces NewtGingrich’s nameplate with his own ]
Bob Livingston: Ha ha ha! Yeah!
Newt Gingrich: [ enters ] Bob.
Bob Livingston: Oh, hey, Newt.
Newt Gingrich: Oh, hey, Speaker of the House. I don’t mean tointerrupt.
Bob Livingston: Oh no, don’t be silly. Technically, it’s not myoffice yet.
Newt Gingrich: No, sit down. I just came by to clear out my desk.
Bob Livingston: I did that for you. I put all your stuff right here in this box.
Newt Gingrich: Oh. Well.. thank you.
Bob Livingston: Don’t mention it.
Newt Gingrich: Where’s my cup? My “Speaker Does it on the Floor” cup? [ points to desk ] You’ve got your pens in it!
Bob Livingston: Oh. Is that yours? I thought it came with the office.
Newt Gingrich: No! [ takes his cup ]
Bob Livingston: Hey, I know it’s unpleasant when you get booted out..
Newt Gingrich: Hey, I didn’t get booted out! I resigned.
Bob Livingston: Oh, not you.. I mean, it would be hard, you know, if they got fired.. but you resigned. Oh, by the way.. [ grabs a balled-up piece of paper ] ..do you want this?
Newt Gingrich: What’s that?
Bob Livingston: [ unfolds paper ] It’s your Contract With America. I found it this way. [ laughs ]
[ President Bill Clinton peeks into the office ]
President Bill Clinton: Hey, guys! Just came by to see if I’mimpeached yet! [ laughs ]
Newt Gingrich: Hey, Bill.
President Bill Clinton: [ shakes hands ] How are you, Newt? It’s good to see you. Man, look at this city! It’s not gonna be the same without you, Newt. Bob, will you give us just a second?
Bob Livingston: Fine. It’s only my office! [ throws hispencils at his desk ] God, I can’t wait until George Bush is President.
President Bill Clinton: He already was. And I beat him!
Bob Livingston: Yeah, but now there’s a new George Bush -George W. Bush! And he’s younger, and better, and faster!Whoo! Rock and roll! [ shoves Newt, then exits office ]
President Bill Clinton: What an ass!
Newt Gingrich: That’s, uh.. that’s what you used to call me.
President Bill Clinton: You know, Newt, I’m gonna miss your giant hate-filled head.
Newt Gingrich: I appreciate that, Bill. Boy, we sure shook this town up, didn’t we?
President Bill Clinton: Oh, hell yeah! Remember when you wouldn’t let us pass Health Care Reform?
Newt Gingrich: Yeah. Or how we watered down the assault weapons ban?
President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah.
Newt Gingrich: And how I fought funding for school repairs?
President Bill Clinton: Oh yeah, right. And now, because of you, there are a lot of sick, illiterate kids with gunshot wounds!
Newt Gingrich: Yeah, there are. Thanks, Bill. Boy, we sure played off each other well.
President Bill Clinton: Yeah, we’re two peas in a pod!
Newt Gingrich: Right. Two peas who hate each other with aburning white passion!
[ they laugh ]
President Bill Clinton: I don’t know how I’m gonna manage without you.
[ breaks into song ] I’ll never forget the night we met I was making fun of minorities.” President Bill Clinton: “How well I recall, that magic ball When you achieved Congressional seniorities.” Together: “We’ll meet again someday, ’cause our reign is here to stay It just goes to show that age-old fact That when you get down to it, opposites attract!”
[ they dance across the set ]
President Bill Clinton: “You hate poor people, I’m a hypocrite.”
Newt Gingrich: “But somehow this partnership works, somehow this match was a hit! Like Rogers and Astaire.”
President Bill Clinton: “Like Mr. and Mrs. von Bulow. Our only bond was a burning white hate.”
Together: “It just goes to show that age-old fact That when you get down to it, opposites attract!”
President Bill Clinton: You old son of a gun!
Newt Gingrich: I hate you!
President Bill Clinton: Oh, no! I hate you!
Newt Gingrich: [ singing ] “Like hope and Farrakhan.”
President Bill Clinton: “Like Kurt Cobain and fame.”
Newt Gingrich: “Without you around, it ain’t the same game.”
Together: “It just goes to show you, oh don’t you know you.. It just goes to show you, opposites attract!”
[ Bill and Newt take each other’s arms and fall into a loving embrace ]
President Bill Clinton: Damn, that was nice!
Newt Gingrich: “You’re the wrong to my right.”
President Bill Clinton: “You made it fun to fight.” Together: “Live, from New York, it’s.. Saturday Ni-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight!“
Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer Martha’s Mother … Joan Allen
Announcer: Tomorrow on Martha Stewart Living:
Martha Stewart: I’m Martha Stewart. Thanksgiving: it’s not just a day for turkey and dressing. This traditional American Holiday commemorates the Autumn feast when our Pilgrim forefathers and the nearby savages put an end to their vicious fighting. In keeping with that tradition I’ll be joined tomorrow on “Living” by my mother.
Mrs. Stewart: [enters] Get your bangs out of your eyes. [she brushes Martha’s bangs to the side]
Martha Stewart: We’ll reveal some of the Stewart family’s time-honored Turkey Day secrets.
Mrs. Stewart: The hell we will.
Martha Stewart: Cool it. Mother will share her famous recipe for twice-baked sweet potatoes.
Mrs. Stewart: Simple, fresh ingredients are the only secret to this classic side dish.
Martha Stewart: [picks up a bottle] Although, balsamic vinegar would make a wonderful modern addition.
Mrs. Stewart: Don’t be ridiculous. That’s idiotic.
Martha Stewart: I just thought that maybe …
Mrs. Stewart: I know what I’m doing.
Martha Stewart: Mother, you really don’t …
Mrs. Stewart: Look, don’t. Please. [grabs the bottle of vinegar away from Martha and sets it down]
Martha Stewart: [steps away and does her Martha smile] The table setting is a wonderful opportunity to marry family tradition with personal style. I’ve offset my grandmother’s stoneware with miniature gourds and these luxurious Moroccan textiles.
Mrs. Stewart: Your grandmother hated Moroccans.
Martha Stewart: [loses the smile, presses on] We’ll also relate some our favorite Thanksgiving memories. I’ll never forget the year it snowed.
Mrs. Stewart: It never snowed on Thanksgiving.
Martha Stewart: Yes it did. It’s a childhood memory I really cherish.
Mrs. Stewart: Well, it never happened.
Martha Stewart: Are you calling me a liar?
Mrs. Stewart: We will not do this here, Martha. Simmer down.
Martha Stewart: [noticeably upset now] Of course, no Thanksgiving would be complete without taking a moment to recall a few things for which we are grateful. I give thanks for forsythia, Beefeaters Gin and Caller ID. Mother?
Mrs. Stewart: I give thanks for Talbots, Beefeaters Gin and my flawless memory.
Martha Stewart: It did snow, Mother.
Mrs. Stewart: Martha, it didn’t.
Martha Stewart: It was the same Thanksgiving your forced Robby to play touch-football.
Mrs. Stewart: I never did that.
Martha Stewart: Yes, you did. You said if he didn’t you’d lock him up in a hospital for fruits.
Judge…..Tim Meadows Wallace…..Joan Allen Murderer……Chris Parnell Suel Forrestor…..Chris Kattan Nathan…..John Goodman Court Reporter…..Molly Shannon
Judge: This is case number 474J. The people of Mississippi versus Steven Harris. Mr. Harris you are charged with one count of murder in the first degree. Mrs. Wallace, is the state ready for their first opening argument?
Wallace: we are, your honor.
Judge: Proceed.
Wallace: Good morning. The facts in this case will show on the night of August first, the defendant, Steven Harris, brutally murdered his employer. This was a cold blooded killing and nothing else. Thank you.
Judge: Mr. Forrester, your opening statement.
Suel Forrestor: Ladies and gentleman of the ju-day. I like to tart off, take a tide off, for bein here tday. We preciate it. NAH! Ima putta dat dat a shattawa bat. Vat my cient is a ide at. S! Ask yourself, You execue intima man.
[slaps jury box]
Steven: Are you sure they under
Suel Forrestor: dodatdodat (pushing fingers in Stevens face to shut him up.)
Judge: Mrs. Wallace, would you like to call your first witness?
Wallace: Ah..I dont comprehend a word the defense council has said but uhm, the people call Nathan Barnett to the stand.
[Nathan enters]
Wallace: Mr. Barnett, I am to understand that you worked with the accused. Can you tell us what happened on the morning of August 1st?
Nathan: Yes maam. Steve came to work real agitated like and he said he was going to kill Buby Ryan, our boss.
Suel Forrestor: Ob-jeck-on, yo hona!
Judge: Did you just call me a chicken?
Suel Forrestor: No, juggs. I sai Ob-jeck-on-a-roll, dat , tella tally a headay.
Judge: Overruled .. I think.
Wallace: And then, uh, what did the defendant do?
Nathan: Well, he took out a gun and shot Bubby six times. And then he stabbed him like one time, then he hit him over the head with a chair. It was God awful.
Wallace: No further questions.
Judge: Mr. Forrester, your witness.
Suel Forrestor: Mista bar-day. Can you ah can you ah tie a tittie? Zachly hayoda dafidady? Excuse me. Afiddady?
Nathan: I-I-uh uhm..
Suel Forrestor: Timplequestion. Tie a tittie goahead!
Nathan: Uh.. I uh.. I dontknow?
Suel Forrestor: So you dont dosido, do yah?
Nathan: .Do si do ??
Suel Forrestor: Did I juss hear ya say dosido!? Nahdosido dosido ..But do si do. [slaps jury box]
Judge: Redirect..?
Wallace: Mr. Barnett I dont know what Mr. Forrester is going for Did you witness Steven Harris murder your boss? Did you or did you not?
Nathan: Yes, maam. Yes I did.
Suel Forrestor: Ob-jeck-on hona go!! Dis prostritue is alle-aweea.
Wallace: Your honor, I will not sit here and stand here while this man calls me a prostitute!!
Suel Forrestor: Ah commacommacommacommacommacamellea. I din call you no protitue.
Judge: Sustained. Mr. Forrester, You may redirect.
Suel Forrestor: Mista Ba-day. Id-ea true you gotta si da dee oodabotta.
Nathan: Ahh..uhh. Ahh.. uhmm..
Suel Forrestor: You know, I gottadrinkaprobee.
Nathan: Ahm..No! .? Wait yes?
Suel Forrestor: Nee ah remin you. You adda oates.
Nathan: Hall and Oates???v
Wallace: This is ridiculous, your honor. Can the court reporter read back the question?
Court Reporter: [very confused] Mista Ba-day. Id-ea true you gotta si da dee ooda drinky poppa.
Suel Forrestor: Aiight. I ga sumtin to shoyah. Ta ah loo at AZZHIBI A!!!
Nathan: [stutters]
Suel Forrestor: [mocks stuttering] Somebody tell me what this man is sayin cuz I dun undastan!
Nathan: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMO! I MURDERED BUBBY RYAN!! I MURDERED BUBBY RYAN!!! [weeps]
Suel Forrestor: [clearly] I rest my case.
[Applause erupts in courtroom.]
Judge: Order! Order! I wont have that in this court room! Order! Order!!
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