Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Pete Schweddy…..Alec Baldwin
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.
Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And you’re listening to..
Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, it’s Christmas season again, our favorite time of the year.
Teri Rialto: Actually, Margaret Jo, holiday time is when the most culinary wishes can come true. Now, what’s on your list this holiday season, Margaret Jo?
Margeret Jo McCullen: Well, Teri, I got real freaky this year. I’m asking Kris Kringle for a wooden bowl, some oversized index cards, and a funnel.
Teri Rialto: Ooooh, a funnel! That’ll be great for funneling!
Margeret Jo McCullen: I know. I feel like a glutton! What’s onyour list, Teri?
Teri Rialto: Well, I’m only asking Santa for one thing – a big box of glue traps to help me with my excessive rat problem? Are you, Margaret Jo, gonna leave any treats out for Santa this year?
Margeret Jo McCullen: Oh, absolutely, I always do! I like to leave Santa some tap water and rice. If Santa’s anything like me, Christmas foods really reek havoc on the ol’ digestive system. What are you going to leave, Teri?
Teri Rialto: Uh, I can’t ever leave food out in my apartment, because I have an excessive rat problem.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Makes sense. Neat.
Teri Rialto: Good times.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Good times.
Teri Rialto: Well, Christmas is a time for traditional foods and bite-size treats, and we have a very special guest today.
Margeret Jo McCullen: That’s right, Teri. He’s the owner of his own holiday bakery, with a very, very cleaver name – Season’s Eatings.
Teri Rialto: [ laughs ] That’s relaly funny!
Margeret Jo McCullen: I know, it rhymes with Season’s Greetings!
Teri Rialto: Please welcome the owner of Season’s Eatings – Pete Schweddy.
[ Pete pulls up to his mike ]
Margeret Jo McCullen: Well, Pete, Teri and I have been looking forward to having you on the show, ’cause we know you’re the master of all kinds of Christmas goodies. Tell us about them.
Pete Schweddy: Well, there are lots of great treats this time of year – Zucchini Bread, Fruitcake.. but the thing that I most like to bring out this time of year are my Balls.
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. Balls.. Tell us about your Balls, Pete.
Pete Schweddy: Well, over at Season’s Eatings, we have Balls for every taste. Popcorn Balls, Cheese Balls, Rum Balls.. you name it.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow! My mouth’s watering just thinking about those Balls!
Teri Rialto: It’s been years since I’ve seen any Balls.
Pete Schweddy: Would you like to see my Balls now?
Margeret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Whip them out.
[ Pete places a tray of Balls on the control board ]
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. wow.. you have some beautiful Balls..
Margeret Jo McCullen: They’re bigger than I expected.
Pete Schweddy: A lot of people tell me that.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Look at that, Teri – the way they glisten.
Pete Schweddy: That’s because make sure that each one of my Balls gets plenty of oil.
Margeret Jo McCullen: I can’t help but, notice, Pete – your Balls are a little misshapen.
Pete Schweddy: That’s because I rested them on a hot stove too long.
Teri Rialto: Can I touch your Balls.
Pete Schweddy: Go ahead. But be careful, they’re very delicate.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow. I can’t wait to get my mouth around his Balls.
Teri Rialto: [ sniffing ] Ooh.. I like the way your Balls smell..
Pete Schweddy: Do whatever you want to, ladies. My Balls are here for your pleasure.
Margeret Jo McCullen: [ chewing ] Wow, Pete.. I have to say – your Balls are so tender..
Pete Schweddy: Well, there’s no beating my Balls. They’re made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow.. Schweddy Balls. Nothing like a Schweddy Ball.
Teri Rialto: Good Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Mmm.. good times.
Teri Rialto: Good times.. Mmm.. our producer is telling us it’s time to wrap it up.
Margeret Jo McCullen: That’s all the time we have today, Teri. So, join us next week, when our topic will be that other holiday favorite..
Margaret Jo & Teri – ..Fragrant, Flavored Nuts.
Pete Schweddy: A quick plug! If you order from Season’s Eatings now, you can still send out a special Schweddy Ball Sack in time.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Great idea. My niece would love a Sack of Schweddy Balls…
Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell Cass Van Rye…..Cheri Oteri Nate…..Alec Baldwin
[ Music starts ]
Announcer: Good Morning! Grab a cup and get ready to fill it with “Morning Latte!”
[ end music, center on Tom and Cass, who both laugh to start the show ]
Tom Wilkins: Good morning!
Cass Van Rye: Whooo!
Tom Wilkins: Welcome to Morning Latte!
Cass Van Rye: Whoo!
Tom Wilkins: Im Tom Wilkins!
Cass Van Rye: Oh! And Im Cass Van Rye!
Tom Wilkins: Happy holidays!
Cass Van Rye: Happy holidays! Whoo! Hey! How about this warm weather weve been having?
Tom Wilkins: Oh! All over the country!
Cass Van Rye: Beautiful!
Tom Wilkins: I love it!
Cass Van Rye: Me too!
Tom Wilkins: What about you, Nate? How about that warm weather?
Cass Van Rye: Nate!
Nate: Well, sadly, guys the weather may be due to a global warming trend.
Tom Wilkins: What? What was that?
Cass Van Rye: Nate, our newest producer, Nate Matthews, everyone.
Tom Wilkins: What was that, Nate?
Nate: Global Warming. The deadly hole in the ozone layer. Creating dangerously high carbon dioxide levels.
[ show Cass and Tom, who seem confused. They pause ]
Cass Van Rye: Well, then, halleluah global warming ’cause it’s gorgeous!
Tom Wilkins: Beautiful! You said it!
Cass Van Rye: It is gorgeous!
Tom Wilkins: You said it! Hey how about Nates tree trimming party over the weekend?
Cass Van Rye: Oh! What fun!
Nate: Yeah, it was fun. Actually, Im surprised you two made it because I told my assistant not to send you invitations.
[ Tom and Cass both laugh hysterically ]
Cass Van Rye: You know whats funny, Nate? I really didnt get one.
Tom Wilkins: Oh? No? You didnt?
Cass Van Rye: It mustve been a mistake.
Tom Wilkins: Well, anyway, the party was a blast. Oh, Oh, except for the tree fiasco right Nate?
Cass Van Rye: Uh oh! Uh oh! [ laughs ]
Nate: Yeah, I couldve done without that.
Tom Wilkins: First of all, Cass runs up to me, and my wife Gail, in hysterics screaming, “The trees on fire! The trees on fire!”
Cass Van Rye: Well, thank God I got everyone out of the house before the fire department came. Well, here, it turns out, that the tree wasnt on fire, it was just a couple of dirty trailer-park people smoking a marijuana cigarette in the bedroom.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah.
Cass Van Rye: Yeah, can you believe that? Nate, did you ever find out who the lowlives were?
Nate: Uh yes, my brother and his wife.
Tom Wilkins: Ok.
Cass Van Rye: Well, it was a beautiful tree. It was a beautiful tree, wasnt it?
Tom Wilkins: Yes, it was.
Cass Van Rye: It was, and Im Jewish.
Tom Wilkins: You are Jewish, yes.
Cass Van Rye: I mean I just plug in a menorah because Im Jewish.
Tom Wilkins: Yes!
Cass Van Rye: ‘Cause Jewish people do that.
Tom Wilkins: Yes, we know that.
Cass Van Rye: They just plug in a menorah.
Tom Wilkins: Yes, you already said that.
Cass Van Rye: Just light it up.
Tom Wilkins: Yes we know that, ok you already said that. Now speaking of beauty, lets talk about that beautiful new wife of yours, so young, Nate.
Cass Van Rye: Yes, shes a stunner!
Tom Wilkins: Oh!
Cass Van Rye: Now, Nate, this is your second marriage. Not your first, your second?
Nate: Second, yes. Hey! Guys! What about todays show, weve got “Grizzly Adams” himself, Dan Hagerty.
[ Tom pauses and thinks ]
Tom Wilkins: Youre right, its his second marriage.
Cass Van Rye: Yes!
Tom Wilkins: Because Gail, Gail and I are friends with his first wife of eighteen years, Mary Pat.
Cass Van Rye: Well maybe they wouldve stayed together longer if her name was “Mary Jane” [ Cass and Tom start laughing ]
Tom Wilkins: Maybe.
Cass Van Rye: Probably, right? Hey, by the way, how is Mary Pat since the divorce, do you know?
Tom Wilkins: Not good, not good. But Nates doin good, huh Nate?
Cass Van Rye: Yeah Nate! Huh!? Hes on a roll!
Tom Wilkins: Hes on a roll.
Cass Van Rye: Now, Nate, how old is the new wife? Nineteen? Twenty?
Nate: Shell be twenty-one in January.
Cass Van Rye: Oh! Now this is romantic. They met where she works, at the Banana Republic.
Tom Wilkins: Ooh! Ooh!
Cass Van Rye: Now, Nate she is the um, assistant manager, right?
Nate: Uh, no.
Cass Van Rye: Oh, just a salesgirl.
Tom Wilkins: Thats ok!
Cass Van Rye: Thats ok!
Tom Wilkins: Thats ok!
Cass Van Rye: Thats ok!
Tom Wilkins: Thats ok!
Cass Van Rye: Sure! Thats ok! Hey! At least shes not smoking a marijuana cigarette.
Tom Wilkins: Absolutely, Cass, absolutely. Marijuana of course, the nations number one killer next to diabetes and arthritis. Those are the top two.
Nate: [ annoyed ] Actually, heart disease is the number one killer. I know because it runs in my family.
Tom Wilkins: Is that why the whole family smokes marijuana?
Cass Van Rye: You know, I think its a cure. Is that right, Nate? Is it a cure?
Nate: My whole family does not smoke marijuana and no, its not a cure. [ softly ] You stupid ass.
Tom Wilkins: Whats that, Nate?
Nate: I said, since you asked.
Tom Wilkins: Oh!
Cass Van Rye: Oh! Ok!
Tom Wilkins: Well Nate, I respect your familys medical troubles, but I still say diabetes is number one.
Cass Van Rye: Me too.
Tom Wilkins: And of course, diabetes is..
Cass Van Rye: When you see double.
Tom Wilkins: No, no. Its when your blood sugar runs too high.
Cass Van Rye: High blood. Its high.
Tom Wilkins: High blood. Right, Nate? Right?
[ Nate appears annoyed and gives no answer ]
Tom Wilkins: Now, Cass, you recently had troubles in your marriage, right?
Cass Van Rye: Yes, yes. Well, because of Nates shenanigans, I asked my husband, Eli, if he would ever cheat on me with a younger woman.
Tom Wilkins: Or, or a fertile woman. Because – footnote – you cant have kids.
Cass Van Rye: No, thats right, I cannot conceive. Well surprisingly, my husband said that he already did cheat on me.
Tom Wilkins: Oh! Oh!
Cass Van Rye: I forgot! I forgot!
Tom Wilkins: He did!
Cass Van Rye: He did!
Tom Wilkins: He did. So how did you resolve it, ’cause he took a major crap on you.
Nate: Id take a crap on her, too.
Tom Wilkins: What? What was that, Nate?
Cass Van Rye: Whats that Nate? Newly-married Nate.
Nate: Uh, I said Grizzly Adams is here.
Tom Wilkins: Great.
Cass Van Rye: Ok. Well Ill tell you something. [ pulls out letter ] This helped right here.
Tom Wilkins: Oh. Yeah.
Cass Van Rye: This letter he wrote to me. It, its beautiful and Id like to share it with you. [ begins to cry ] I love this guy. Ill try not to cry. [ begins reading ] “Dearest Cass. The word sorry cannot possibly describe my remorse for getting caught.”
Tom Wilkins: Nice.
Cass Van Rye: [ continues reading ] Please know it was only you in my thoughts each and every time I was on top of her. [ stops reading, folds the letter back up ] Ok? Try not taking him back, huh?
Tom Wilkins: Id like to write that down.
Cass Van Rye: Try not taking him back.
Tom Wilkins: Can I write that down?
Cass Van Rye: Yes, hes a keeper.
Tom Wilkins: Id like to write that down.
Cass Van Rye: Hes a keeper.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah.
Cass Van Rye: And! Plus! Heres the cherry on top: He gave me a Zales diamond tennis bracelet!
Tom Wilkins: Ooh! Class Act! Class Act!
Cass Van Rye: Class Act!
Tom Wilkins: Hes a keeper! Hey! Speaking of class acts, we have Dan Hagerty! Ooh what an actor!
Cass Van Rye: Actor/singer! Hello! Im holding his brand new Christmas CD entitled “Santa Bear”.
Tom Wilkins: Ooh! Thats nice!
Cass Van Rye: Grizzly Adams sings.
Tom Wilkins: Nice, Im excited! [ Nate comes behind Tom and Cass and gives them gifts ] Hey, Nate, now what is this?
Cass Van Rye: Nate! Now what is this?
Tom Wilkins: Nate Matthews, everyone!
Cass Van Rye: Nate Matthews! What is this?
Nate: This is a gift my new wife and I baked for you both, happy holidays! Enjoy!
Cass Van Rye: Oh! Hey! Nate isnt she a little young to be near the stove? [ laughs ] Im needlin ya! Im needlin ya!
Nate: [ laughs ] I know, youre a friggin riot, youre a friggin riot.
Tom Wilkins: She should do stand-up. Give her a mike.
Cass Van Rye: People have said it. People have said that.
[ both open their gifts, which turn out to be gingerbread cookies shaped like boots ]
Tom Wilkins: Gingerbread cookies?
Cass Van Rye: Well! In the shape of a foot!? Whats this?
Nate: Yeah, ones mine and ones my wifes, we figured if you didnt like gingerbread you could shove em up your ASS!
[ everyone gets quiet, as Cass and Tom are shocked ]
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: Thank you. Thank you, folks!
This is a historic day in Washington, as the House Judiciary Committee voted to impeach the President of the United States. Let me give you an idea of how bad things look for President Clinton right now. Earlier today, Elton John began rewriting “Candle in the Wind” for him…All right?
So they’re getting close to their actual impeachment. All right? Impeaching him for this. This is the biggest overreaction since Joe Pesci shot Spider in Goodfellas….The most excessive penalty since Jean Valjean got 20 years for a loaf of bread….Even the Rosenbergs are going, “Boy, this is severe! It’s a little heavy!”…Come on, a little history humor. All right.
Did you see the apology yesterday? President Clinton has now said if the House agrees on censure and not impeachment, he would not pardon himself, nor would he accept a presidential pardon after he leaves office. That sounds pretty good….Unless, of course, he’s lying!
They keep saying “our president, William Jefferson Clinton” now, have you noticed that? That’s when you know you’re really in trouble. When they use your full name. It’s like your mother, you know? “William Jefferson Clinton, you get in here right now! Did you abuse power? Don’t you mislead me!”
The Democrats have broken out all their tricks, too. First, Wednesday they brought out all the Watergate witnesses: Liz Holtzman, Wayne Owens, and Father Robert Dryden, a priest. A man who’s pledged himself to a life of celibacy testifying in the Clinton hearing. All right? But they brought him out because you can’t really interrogate a priest and look good. “Honey, I saw Henry Hyde on TV today, he was yelling at a priest!”…You know? That was me imitating, like, the…yeah.
Anyway, the…then the Republicans started asking people, “Well, that’s not what you said in 1974.” That’s not fair! You have to be allowed to take back some of the things you said in 1974. I’ve had to take back everything I’ve said in 1974. If I had to live up to everything I said in ’74, I would be impeached on my comments about Seals & Crofts alone!
At these hearings, also, they have all these slow-talking Southerners, and then Charles Schumer comes out like Richard Lewis. Like, [imitating Richard Lewis] “This is insane, it’s Kafka-esque,” you know?…Right? Got Jerome Nadler and Barney Frank, it’s like a friar’s roast, you know? They’re like, “President Clinton took out his schmeckel…”…”I kid the President Clinton!” “You schmuck!” “You Schmedrick!”
Meanwhile…meanwhile, Clinton– [applause and cheers] Ah, thanks, folks! Ah, ha ha…uh!…Meanwhile, Clinton is over in the Middle East right now, walking around the Gaza Strip in a T-shirt that says, “Go ahead, make my day.” He doesn’t care! Let’s go do the news!
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Oh, folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn. [sniffs]
During President Clinton’s apology yesterday, he quoted Benjamin Franklin. Strom Thurmond then commented, “I knew Ben Franklin, and you, sir, are no Ben Fra– on second thought, you’re a lot like Ben Franklin!”…He was a player, himself, like they used to say in the 1700s.
Democratic Counsel Abby Lowell used videotape to enhance his impassioned and dramatic case against impeachment on the floor of the House Thursday. The rest of the House sat mesmerized. Not because of the speech; they were just amazed that there was somebody young enough to know how to work a VCR.
Yesterday, Bob Dole announced that he has signed a deal to be a spokesperson for Viagra….All right? We here at “Update” have an advanced, exclusive look at the ad. [photo of Bob Dole with “before” caption, then photo of Bill Clinton with “after” caption; applause]
According to The New York Times, Iran is recruiting former Soviet Union germ warfare scientists to work in Tehran. Iran is especially looking for friendly, self-starter anthrax makers during the holiday season.
Former lieutenant colonel Hugo Chavez was elected president of Venezuela this week. Chavez has called for a new constitution and the dissolving of Congress. Earlier today, President Clinton was quoted as saying, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Director John Singleton is working on a remake of the classic blaxploitation movie Shaft and is currently looking to cast the title character. The movie’s producers are searching for someone who would fit the description. [deeper voice] “Who is the man that would risk his neck for his brother man? Vernon Jordan. Can you dig it?”
Switzerland elected its first female president this week. The country says it will still keep its policy of remaining neutral and not getting into conflicts, but they just want to say one more thing.
An article in this week’s Newsweek reports that Chase National Bank, the precursor to Chase Manhattan, aided the Nazis in World War II. The discovery was made when bank officials came across an old cancelled check made out to Hitler with “congratulations on the invasion of Poland” written in the memo section….Ahh, come on, folks. That’s kinda cute….All right, fine.
This week, North Korea’s military leaders accused the United States of looking for an excuse to fight another war in the divided Korean Peninsula. Yeah, like we really want to fight another Korean War, it was so profitable the first time! You know, North Korea’s acting like the ugly, drunk girl at the corner of the bar, sitting under the TV. She’s like, [drunk] “Why are you lookin’ at me, Colin?” “Shut up, I’m watchin’ the Rangers game!” [some applause]
Next week, a fan will auction off Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball, estimated to get over one million dollars. Sammy Sosa will auction off his 61st home run ball to raise money for v – hurricane victims in the Dominican Republic, and Lawrence Taylor will auction off his Super Bowl ring to raise money for another eight ball. [some applause, then some groans]…One person says, “Ooo,” and everybody has to go, “Ohhh!” These people don’t care about Lawrence Taylor, come on! All right?
An appeals court denied O.J. Simpson’s bid to stop a new custody trial involving his children. O.J. was angered by the decision and said the court system in this country is a joke. [applause]…Ooh! [cheers]…Ah!…Hah!…That’s it, I get him while he’s not hot! All right.
Police at Kennedy Airport this week arrested a Catholic priest with a gun in his luggage. Unfortunately, the FAA estimates that for every priest with a gun they catch, 40 nuns with rulers get through.
Former Panamanian dictator Manuel [pronounces it “MAN-you-el”] Nuriega– Manuel [pronounces it “man-WELL”] Nuriega asked a federal judge this week to reduce his 40-year sentence for drug trafficking, because he gave help to U.S. intelligence operations in Latin America. The judge denied the request, telling Nuriega that U.S. intelligence already knew what “maricon” and “bandejo” meant. [disappointed by reaction]…All right. I worked on the accent, and you barely give me anything. All right. This week…I was like, “Maricon” back there, “maricon”– I shouldn’t even say it again.
All right. This week, Olympic gold medalist Dominique Moceonu… [actually Moceanu] [embarrassed at his slip-up; some applause] If you could just see, it’s actually spelled phonetically for me, and I still messed it up. That’s what’s so sad….Anyway, she obtained a permanent restraining order against her father. Now when Dominique misbehaves, her mother warns her, “Just wait ’til your father gets within 101 feet of this house.”
A new study that listed the cities with the most cases of syphilis and gonorrhea ranked Baltimore as number one, New York wasn’t even in the top 20. New York’s murder rate is also down, Times Square is family-friendly; New York has become your crazy drinking buddy who got married and had kids. [cheers and applause]…Right?…Ah!
Of the six roaches sent into space aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery with John Glenn…only two survived. An autopsy revealed that the roaches were killed by one giant step for mankind. [some applause]
Well, the holidays are approaching, and here to talk about the African-American holiday of Kwanzaa is Tim Meadows!
[pan over to Tim, who’s wearing a festive Kwanzaa outfit]
Tim Meadows: Thank you, buddy. [Colin laughs] Thank you all. Thank you very much. Kwanzaa begins on the day after Christmas and ends on New Year’s Day. Among the symbols we use to celebrate Kwanzaa are the mkeka [starts showing the symbols of Kwanzaa], the mat; the kinara, candle holder; and several ears of vibunzi, corn. And of course, the kikombi cha umoja, the communal cup of wine or juice. And in this case, wine. But perhaps I can best explain the meaning of Kwanzaa through song, with the help of the Kwanzettes.
[Slow, sensual music begins playing. A spotlight shines on Tim. The Kwanzettes, wearing tight black dresses, enter and stand behind Tim.]
All right. [lights dim] This is for the ladies.
[Kwanzettes begin grooving slowly as the song begins]
Santa Claus has come and gone, but don’t be sad and blue ‘Cause Kwanzaa Timmy’s comin’, and soon you’ll be comin’, too Tell that fat old bearded dude he’s livin’ in the past, he Only knows who’s bad or good, but I know who’s been nasty
Kwanzettes: Hey, Kwanzaa Timmy, what you gonna give me?
Tim: I’ve brought you lots of gifts, girl
Kwanzettes: Come on, Kwanzaa Timmy, what you gonna give me?
Tim: I promise to rock your world!
My gifts to you symbolize our African unity A mkeka mat, some corn, some wine, and a booty full of me! Kwanzaa was founded by Dr. Maulan [actually Maulana] Karenga And like the spirit of the holiday, I plan to get up all in ya!
Kwanzettes: Hey, Kwanzaa Timmy, what you gonna give me?
Tim: Don’t you understand what Kwanzaa’s about?
Kwanzettes: Hey, Kwanzaa Timmy, what you gonna give me?
Tim: Look at my eyes, and listen to my mouth
[stops singing] Umoja, Kujichaguila, Ujima are the first three Kwanzaa dates It’s also the sound of the bedsprings while sweet, sweet love we make The last four days of Kwamaa are Ujamaa, Nia, Kuumba, and Imani [resumes singing] The next day, tell all your friends about my sexy Kwanzaa party!
Kwanzettes: There’s no booty-knocking, ‘less you fill our stocking
Tim: Kwanzaa’s about giving, not getting
Kwanzettes: If you wanna sex us, better bring your Lexus
Tim: I’ve got corn, I’ve got bushels of corn!
Kwanzettes: Think I know you, Mister; you knocked up my sister
Tim: [stops singing] Come on, now listen. Kwan– This is Kwanzaa, not Black History Month. You know? Don’t be enslaved by the past, baby! Break those chains, you know?
Listen, uh, why don’t we just, uh, take my mkeka mat, some wine, some corn, your 20 dollars and uh, go back to my place and get an early start on this Kwanzaa celebration, how about it?
Kwanzette #1: All right.
Tim: All right! Colin, you in?
Colin: [greatly enthused] Yes!
Tim and the Kwanzettes: [resume singing] Have a happy, sexy Kwanzaa! [end of song; cheers and applause as they hold the last word]
Colin: Kwanzaa Timmy, everybody!
Tim: Kwanzettes! The Kwanzettes! [lights come back up]
Colin: I’m Colin Quinn! That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Good night.
[Tim blows a kiss to the audience, then he and Colin shake hands]
…..Colin Quinn …..Jimmy Fallon Yasser Arafat…..Chris Kattan Benjamin Netanyahu…..Will Ferrell
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: Oh, folks! That’s all right! Thank you, folks! All right!
As we all know by now, yesterday Arafat and Netanyahu signed the Wye Memorandum, an historic peace agreement. Now today the Israeli and Palestinian people are receiving the news. The Israelis don’t like this, the Palestinians don’t like this. Everybody is a Monday morning quarterback. It’s different when you’re the one that has to negotiate, you know? It’s like when you have the girlfriend you broke up with, and you’re going to meet her, and your friends are saying, “Don’t give in! Don’t get back together!” You’re going, “I won’t.” And then you come back and you know, you’re like, “Listen, we – we’re going back out, but listen to me.” “Noo! You sold out!” “No, no! Wait! She’s not gonna be like she was, she told me what really happened that night!” You know?
Then they got King Hussein getting out of his sick bed for this, the guy has cancer. They had to give in! All right? He’s over at the Mayo Clinic, that’s how slick Clinton is. Clinton’s like the good cop, then he gets King Hussein to be the bad cop. They woke him up, he’s got his robe on, you know? He’s like, [imitating King Hussein] “Aaaggh…what are you doing?! You’re acting like children! I’m sick and tired, I’m trying to run a country over here! You better straighten out! I have to get up early in the morning, I’m not kidding.”…My Hussein impression.
Clinton is doing some good things, you have to give Clinton that. Peace in the– Northern Ireland, peace in the Middle East. I heard next, he’s going over to Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s house, and checkin’ that out. Come on!
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: All right! I’m Fred Savage! No, I’m Colin Quinn.
Now this week, President Clinton appointed John Podesta as his new Chief of Staff. The President said he gave Podesta the job because he hates him.
Former White House spokesman Mike McCurry praised the President, saying that he’s a richly qualified leader, but that he was exasperatingly stupid in his personal life. Translation: he always goes for the ugly ones.
Folks, NASA announced that John Glenn would not participate in one age-related test during his upcoming space flight. While Glenn has agreed to be subjected to numerous tests, he put his foot down when NASA wanted to perform an autopsy. I don’t blame him. [not much reaction] All right, he’s a national hero. What do you want?
Byron Looper, a Republican candidate for the state senate in Tennessee, has been arrested for shooting his opponent dead. Today, the NRA said, “Are we endorsing this guy? Hell, yeah!”
In the new issue of Mirabella magazine, Kenneth Starr’s wife claims that President Clinton is a sex addict. Clinton responded, “Hey, let me see that magazine! They got some hot girls in there!”…Ah, a little acting, folks. Come on.
Scientists have developed a device that can be implanted in the brain to allow a person to move a computer cursor just by thinking about it. Bill Gates has ordered that all babies manufactured after February 1st, 2001 be fitted with this device. [chuckles mockingly]
The schoolboy…the schoolboy who fathered two children with his jailed teacher, Mary Kay LeTourneau, made a dramatic plea to have her released from prison this week. Not so easy to get a date in the real world, is it kid?…All right. [some cheers and applause]
And now, with some thoughts on trick-or-treating, Jimmy Fallon.
[pan over to Jimmy, who’s holding a guitar]
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks a lot. Thanks, Colin! Yeah, you know uh…I realize that I’m too old to be dressing up for trick-or-treating. And yet I still want to go to g – uh, people’s houses and ring their doorbells, you know? So this year…this year I’m going Halloween caroling.
Colin: Halloween caroling?
Jimmy: Yeah, yeah. This is, uh, it’s where I write Halloween versions of my favorite songs. I go up to people’s doorbells, ring ’em, and then do a little of this:
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “A Long December” by Counting Crows]
“And it’s seven more days left in October And it’s one more week ’til Halloween But it’s been so long since I trick-or-treated I think I should Na na na na, yeah [cheers and applause] Yeah…” [end of song]
Colin: Um…so what do they do?
Jimmy: They give me candy. You know, I – I just ring the doorbell and I go, uh…
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “3 AM” by Matchbox 20]
“Well, she said, “It’s cold outside,” I said, “It’s October.” And when we get to the party We see someone else is dressed like Jenny McCarthy And she says, “Baby, I thought that I’d be the one and only.” And she says, “Baby, Let’s have a drink and then leave, I mean, oh, I’m pissed; Can’t believe someone else wore the same costume.”” [end of song]
See, like, everyone can do it, [cheers and applause] you know?…Yeah!…Yeah, everyone can do it, it’s easy. I – e – even – even girls can do it. Here’s Alanis Morissette:
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Thank U” by Alanis Morissette]
“How about mini candy bars, aren’t they moronic? [applause] How about cheap people that give you bags of pennies, yeah Thank U, Mike and Ike Thank U, candy corn Thank U, thank U, Smarties.” [end of song; cheers and applause]
So like, this year…so this year…[laughs] get ready, you know? ‘Cause uh, if this thing catches on, you know…if this thing catches on, somebody might ring your doorbell and go, uh…
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground]
“I have eggs and candy here Shaving cream is in my hair Shine my flashlight at people that stare in my direction Mama, this is Happy Halloween to you [cheers and applause] Yeah, mama, this is Happy Halloween.” [end of song]
Colin: Jimmy Fallon, everybody!
Jimmy: Thank you very much.
Colin: Aw, thank you, Jimmy!
[Colin and Jimmy shake hands]
There’s a debate, folks, over the effectiveness of these new smart guns, that will only fire when a computer chip in the gun recognizes the gun owner. See, I don’t trust that. Sometimes I have to swipe my ATM card through the slot a couple of times. You know, you’re gonna be out there like, [makes a gun with his hand] “Freeze! Wait, I forgot my PIN number!”…[not much reaction] Jimmy Fallon!
Scientists…scientists, folks. Scientists want to study the DNA of a chimp and a human to determine what genes make a human a human. They also want to study what makes a monkey windsurfer [clip of a monkey windsurfing] so funny.
Archaeologists in Jerusalem have uncovered a jug from Roman times that contains 200 to 400 gold coins. Experts believe it may have been Jesus’ laundry money….[not much reaction] Come on! What are ya…[mutters something]
Supermodel Naomi Campbell was slapped with an eight-million-dollar damage suit for allegedly bashing her secretary’s skull with a telephone. Sources say Campbell could have saved nearly two million on this incident if she had MCI.
Earlier this week, the Nevada State Gaming Commission voted to allow Mike Tyson to return to boxing. An important factor was testimony on Tyson’s behalf by Magic Johnson and Muhammad Ali. The commission patiently listened as the once-great athlete bravely struggled to put even the simplest thoughts into words. Then Ali spoke….[some cheers; waves his fist] Ooo!
The Spanish-language TV station Telemundo, folks. The Spanish-language TV station is looking to remake shows from the ’70s and ’80s like “Starsky & Hutch,” “Who’s the Boss?”, and “Charlie’s Angels.” Come on, a Spanish “Who’s the Boss?”? It was hard enough to believe an Italian guy would live in a house with a single woman for 10 years without having sex.
[exhales] This week marks the Pope’s 20th anniversary of the pontiff. When he opened his anniversary gifts, the Pope was overheard to say, [disappointed] “Wow! Just what I needed! Another cross!”
And now, here to discuss the ground-breaking Mideast peace accord are Yasser Arafat and Benjamin Netanyahu.
[Pan over to Yasser and Benjamin. Benjamin has a miniature world globe.]
Yasser Arafat: Thank you, Colin!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Thank you, Colin. Thank you.
[Yasser and then Benjamin give a thumbs-up to the audience, then they give a thumbs-up to each other.]
Colin: So…explain to us the details of the Wye River Accord.
Benjamin: Well, Colin, I brought this globe along to help illustrate our achievement….[puts his finger where Israel is] Okay. [shows the audience] This right here is Israel. And we have agreed to give 13 percent of the West Bank, which is [doesn’t move finger] here, back to the Palestinians. Which means our border moves from…[doesn’t move finger] here…to [doesn’t move finger] here. [puts the globe off to the side]
Colin: And how long did it take you guys to work this out?
Yasser: Uh, somewhere between 50 and 4,000 years.
Benjamin: Give or take….Who is counting?
Yasser: Oh, no one’s counting!
[Yasser and Benjamin agree jokingly]
Colin: Uh, what do you think was the, uh…what do you think was the secret to your success this time?
Benjamin: It’s about respect, Colin. Respecting the other person’s boundaries.
Yasser: Respecting their culture.
Benjamin: Just being cool, and laid back, and stuff.
Yasser: Yes.
Benjamin: Yes.
Yasser: Like, for example: Israel’s going to let us build an airport on Gaza.
Benjamin: And Palestine has agreed to a security plan to crack down on terrorism.
Yasser and Benjamin: And…
Benjamin: [playfully] …to stop hogging the phone!
Yasser: [becomes very jovial] Yeah! My bad!
Benjamin: Yes!
Yasser: I done it!…[Yasser and Benjamin laugh; Benjamin messes around with Yasser’s head scarf] You watch this, here! Come on!
Benjamin: This is our compromise.
Yasser: [starting at the beginning of Benjamin’s last line] This is very expensive!…My mother made this!
Benjamin: Don’t worry, I can tell!
Yasser: Then, well uh…you stay off of mom’s things.
Benjamin: For example…
Yasser: All right.
Benjamin: …since Israel has the bigger room, Israel will pay more rent.
Yasser: Right. And we might switch rooms in the spring.
Benjamin: We’ll see! We don’t know. But we have agreed that our basic groceries, like peanut butter…
Yasser: Yeah.
Benjamin: …and mayonnaise, we will split down the middle and share.
Yasser: But special groceries, like my Jell-O cup…
Benjamin: And my nonfat milk.
Yasser: …we will mark with our initials.
Benjamin: Yes.
Colin: You guys have really worked this one out.
Yasser: Well, we had a lot of help from the President Clinton.
Benjamin: He has an incisive and nimble mind.
Yasser: Plus, he gave us his old futon.
Benjamin: [very quietly] Yes.
Yasser: So…if we have guests in town, you know, they can totally crash!
Colin: Great. So, are you confident that you finally achieved a lasting peace in the Middle East?
Yasser: [amused] Noo-oo!
Benjamin: No, no, no!
Yasser: NO WAY!
Benjamin: No way!
Yasser: NO!
Benjamin: Colin, we will always fight.
Yasser: Yes.
Benjamin: People love to see us fight!
Yasser: They love it!
Benjamin: They love it!
Yasser: Yes. We have a, like, a Sam-and-Dave…uh, Diane, I’m sorry [he and Benjamin poke fun]…there I go again, Sam-and-Diane relationship, yes.
Benjamin: If we ever really got together, it would ruin everything. I mean, look at “Moonlighting.”
Yasser: Aah!
Benjamin: I mean, come on!
Yasser: Yes! Colin…it’s like, we are like the Odd Couple, you know. Israel is Felix, and Palestine is like Oscar. You know.
Benjamin: Noo, Palestine is Felix, we are like Oscar.
Yasser: Aah, this is true!
[Yasser and Benjamin continue to be playful with each other until they leave]
Colin: All right, Benjamin Netanyahu and Yasser Arafat, everybody! All right!…[chuckles]
Tonight marks the end of daylight savings time and a return to normal time. President Clinton would like to remind everybody to set their clocks back 10 months.
I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 7th, 1998 David Spade Eagle-Eye Cherry None Brad Pitt Chris Rock David Spade’s Therapy SessionSummary: Prior to coming back to Studio 8-H to host “Saturday Night Live,” David Spade outlines his fear of success to his therapist, Brad Pitt. Transcript
Montage
David Spade’s MonologueSummary: David Spade jokes about about the suspects on “COPS” and a drunken encounter with polar bears at the zoo. Also Hosted: 04n.
Mercury MistressSummary: The luxury car that drivers can have sex with. Transcript
Monica’s InterviewersRecurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky, Barbara Walters, Larry Flynt, Diane Sawyer, Phil Donahue, Howard Stern, Oprah Winfrey.
Mack North ISummary: After beating his opponent Fred Peete in the 6th District race by 8%, Mack North (Will Ferrell) gloats of his victory in a post-election attack ad. Transcript
Accruing Equity & Making Hot, Sweet LoveSummary: Lawrence Greekmont (Will Ferrell) and his guest panelists will discuss the day’s financial news after they get down to the real business – talking about making sweet love. Transcript
Mack North IISummary: In his second post-election attack ad, Mack North (Will Ferrell) harrasses loser Fred Peete (Chris Parnell) in a Target parking lot. Transcript
The Sensitive Drill Sergeant
Mango & KiwiRecurring Characters: Mango, Harvey.
Mack North IIISummary: In his final post-election attack ad, Mack North (Will Ferrell) mocks loser Fred Peete with a face mask.
Happy Birthday, GrandmaSummary: A dad (Wil Ferrell) forces his three kids to sing “Happy Birthday” over the phone to Grandma, and they’d better not screw up and make him look like an ass.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: David Spade returns to the Update desk to deliver a Hollywood Minute, with a little help from a David Spade hand puppet. Transcript
Eagle-Eye Cherry performs “Save Tonight”
“Felicity” Shoot
Dr. LauraSummary: Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Ana Gasteyer) berates her callers on Take Your Child to Work Day. Transcript
Bachelor PartySummary: Shane the Chaperone (David Spade) outlines the ground rules to a group of guys attending a bachelor party. Transcript
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Appreciate it, don’t have time for it. What’s your question?
Cedric V/O: Oh. Well, my new wife’s parents –
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: New wife? Hmm. New wife. What happened to the old wife, huh? Do we just sort of trade her in for a new model when she started making a knocking sound?
Cedric V/O: Well.. actually.. she died. But my new in-laws are-
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Hmm.. I guess we’re only concerned with the new wife’s parents. I guess when old wifey died, the rest of the family just went down with the ship! What’s your question?
Cedric V/O: Um.. I was wondering if I should-
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, no. Wonder is a brand of bread. Don’t wonder. Ask.
Cedric V/O: But, uh..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Butts are found in ashtrays, and on your new trophy wife. What is the question?
Cedric V/O: I know, I know.. I..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No! “No” is something you should have said before you murdered your wife and ran off with your babysitter!
Cedric V/O: Uh.. uh..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Uh, uh, uh. Question would be nice. Thank you very much for wasting my time. Nice world, huh? [ snickers ] I’m Dr. Laura. Janine, welcome to the program.
Janine V/O: [ emotional from the start ] Hi, Dr. Laura. I’m a little nervous.. this is.. this is very hard for me to talk about..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Janine, this is only a four-hour show. What is your question?
Janine V/O: Oh. Um.. well.. I have four children, and I’m a single mom. My ex-husband won’t leave us alone. I mean, he comes around drunk all the time.. he.. he upsets the kids.. I’m just tired of being treated badly..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Wow.. that sounds difficult. Do you have a job, Janine?
Janine V/O: Uh.. n-no.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Can I suggest one? How about catering your own pity party? Boo-hoo and diddly-do! The father of your children, drunk or sober, has the right to visit his kids any time he jolly well pleases, until the day he dies!
Janine V/O: [ angered ] But, Dr. Laura!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Janine, Janine.. you are trapped, alright? You have dug your own grave and buried yourself under eight feet of dirt!
Janine V/O: You don’t understand!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: You are stuck, my dear! You have sealed yourself alive in a pine coffin, where you will surely suffocate!
Janine V/O: [ desperately ] Please stop!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, no, face it! Your choice is.. your choice is, Janine, the only thing you have to look forward to is the sweet release of death!
[ a gun shot is heard over the phone ]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: For the parents out there who take their commitments seriously, you may know today is Take Your Child to Work Day. And since I am my kid’s mom, here’s my kid, Derek.
[ Derek stumbles into the control booth ]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Hi, sweetie! Gonna help Momma with the sickos?
Derek: [ sniffs the microphone ] This microphone stinks like Rocky.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Momma had some lunch. Momma had some lunch. Alright, come on, push a button, let’s do it. I’m Dr. Laura, and who are you, Derek?
Derek: I’m my mom’s kid!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [ snickers ] Kendall. What’s your question?
Kendall V/O: Uh, hi, Dr. Laura. I have a moral dilemma. I work for an Internet Service Provider –
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, Kendall. I would say if you work for an Internet, you are a moral dilemma, my friend.
Derek: Ha ha ha. Mommy said the information highway is filled with.. godless truck stop whores!
Kendall V/O: Well, your mom must be one of them, because I just went online and ordered up photos of her steamed crab special.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [ stunned ] No, no.. that’s alright. I would like to address those pictures of mre I would like to take this moment to apologize to all my listeners, for arousing this smut-driven pervert with pictures of my stunningly beautiful, twenty-eight year-old form! Shame on you, caller!
Kendall V/O: Well, shame on you, Dr. Laura. Because I downloaded your picture, and FYI, your bony little rack makes a great screensaver!
Derek: Ha ha ha! Mommy.. made.. dirty pictures of.. her and.. uh.. beaver..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Derek, inside voice. Inside voice.
Derek: I’m hungry, I have the farts.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Go eat your Lunchables in the limo with Constantina. Mommy’s gonna put a trace on that last bastard. I’m Dr. Laura, now go take on the day!
Lawrence Greekmont…..Will Ferrell Paula Only…..Ana Gasteyer Patrick Jexson…..David Spade
Announcer: Now it’s time for “Accruing Equity and Making Hot, Sweet Love”, with your host, Lawrence Greekmont.
Lawrence Greekmont: Hello, and welcome to another edition of “Accruing Equity and Making Hot, Sweet Love”. I’m Lawrence Greekmont. With me today, from Stein, Young & Rowe, is Patrick Jexson.
Patrick Jexson: It’s a pleasure to be here.
Lawrence Greekmont: And, from the Vanguard Group, Paula Only.
Paula Only: Hello, Lawrence. It’s been quite a day on the market.
Lawrence Greekmont: It certainly has. The Dow shot up 120, while the NASDAQ fell off 4 1/2 in heavy trading.. but, first, let’s talk about love making.
[ regular studio lights go low, as red mood lighting rises ]
Last night, I.. was with my night companion, Heather. We slowly stripped for each other.. and then I went around back for some smiles. Pools of sweat on her back.. mouth agape, wordless in pleasure.. the subtle aroma of peaches.. our own language of moans.. breathy grunts.. Yeah! Yeah! Yea-ea-eah..
[ regular studio lights return ]
Paula, how’s the National Index? Has the projected IMF bailout of Korea affected trading?
Paula Only: Well, absolutely. You know, the renewed advisory capacity of the IMF has created very, very optimistic overseas trading?
Lawrence Greekmont: What about steamy lovemaking? Have you done any lately?
Paula Only: Oh, yeah. I’ve done some.
[ regular studio lights go low, as red mood lighting rises ]
My doorman is always giving me looks. He’s an Alec Baldwin type, except with long sideburns and a dead eye. Last Monday, we found ourselves locked together in a Chinese retin sex swing, gently dangling over a zebra pelt. Tangled limbs.. clenched hands.. pain and pleasure mixing into an erotic goulash of pain and fluid.. two moist, muscular adults.. every flick of the tongue designed to make the other groan.. just groan.. groan.. [ makes prgasmic sound ]
[ regular studio lights return, as Patrick Jexson draws closer to Paula, pushed away by Lawrence ]
Lawrence Greekmont: Patrick, we’ll turn to you now.
Patrick Jexson: Yes!
Lawrence Greekmont: Uh.. there’s been some rumblings that Greenspan will lower interest rates on the 17th. Will that create any real growth?
Patrick Jexson: Well, a spike created by the adjustment wouldn’t affect our “long-term” strategies. I think last week’s reported 3% growth in our national economy is much more substantial.
Lawrence Greekmont: Now, you were bullish on Allied, even after the –
Patrick Jexson: [ getting down to business ] Yes.. her name was Mindy..
[ regular studio lights go low, as red mood lighting rises ]
I met her at Wendy’s.. with the pick-up line, “Hey, Mindy. You’re name kinda rhymes with this place.” Immediately, she wanted to get it on in the bathroom. But I got too much class for that. So we climbed up on a roof.. I pulled down my underpants seductively.. I pointed to my peepee.. and I said, “Do stuff to this.” Then, a couple of security guards climbed up and told us to beat it. I decided to get coy. I said, “Why don’t you beat this?” That’s when one of them tasered my nads. I have to admit, I kinda leaned into it.
[ regular studio lights return ]
Lawrence Greekmont: [ disturbed ] Alright, uh.. you know, why don’t we look at, uh.. this week’s most active stocks..
[ regular studio lights go low again, as red mood lighting rises ]
Patrick Jexson: [ continuing ] When I felt that electric charge go through my private particulars, I though, “Me likee.” Then, things got pretty awesome. It was me, Mindy, two security guards, in a romantic four-way on a roof of a Wendy’s, and, oh, it was a killer. It’s a week later, and I still smell like a single cheese with no onions.. and Aquavelva. Oh, yeah! [ moans orgasmically and leans over to Lawrence and Paula, who cower away in fear ]
[ regular studio lights return ]
Lawrence Greekmont: Okay, we’re out of time. Join us next week, we’ll tell you how Greenspan’s announcements affects the market. And I’ll tell you about my encounter with an anonymous hand in a bathroom stall.
Announcer: Last Tuesday, the people made their decision loud andclear: Mack North beat Fred Peete in the 6th District race by 8%. FredPeete was the loser, and he will continue to be a loser.
Mack North: Hey, Fred – I won, and you lost. Boy, does that feel good!
Announcer: Fred Peete has returned to his position as Chairman of the Red Cross. But when a tornado hits your home, do you want to rely on a loser like Fred Peete for food and shelter? Mack North thinks not.
Mack North: After he lost the election, I heard he cried with his pastor. [ laughs ] Cried with his pastor?! Meet Fred Peete, professional loser. Hey, you ate it. Now, eat me!
Announcer: You lost the election Fred Peete. Now Mack North says, “Eat Me!”
Mack North…..Will Ferrell Fred Peete…..Chris Parnell
Announcer: Fred Peete lost the election to Mack North, but Mack has got more to say about Fred Peete.
Mack North: What are you running from, Fred? A little thing called the truth? You’re afraid people might find out you’re an idiot? I think the word is out!
Announcer: Fred Peete won’t respond to the most recent charges. Why? He says the election is “over”. He says Mack North is “wasting money”. He says he’s “out of money”. Yet, Fred Peete’s kids go to private school, and Fred Peete goes to a chiropractor.
Mack North: A chiropractor? No money? Yeah, right. What about the facts? Like the fact that you lost! Like the fact that you’re kids are that extra kind of chubby that you just know they’re gonna grow up fat! Stop trying to hide behind the Red Cross, Fred Peete!
[ Mack North harasses Fred Peete in the parking lot of Target ]
Mack North: Hey, Mr. Red Cross, why won’t you debate me, huh! You loser! And don’t tell me, “Because the election’s over!” [ takes Fred’s car keys ]
Fred Peete: Look, will you please leave me and my family alone! you are a sick man!
Mack North: Yeah, I am sick! I’m sick of losers like you, Fred Peete!
Fred Peete: Will you please give me my keys back..?
Mack North: [ taunting Fred further ] You want you keys? Get your keys! Huh! Get your keys! Get your keys, you little ass!
[ Fred manages to get his keys and jumps into his van, crying ]
Mack North: Oh, you can drive an Aerostar, but you don’t have enough money for commercials, huh? Is that what it is?! Hey, you are a loser! You lost big-time, Fred! You lost! Your little tubby kid –
[ Fred drives off in a hurry ]
Mack North: [ to his camera crew ] Let’s get him! Let’s get him!
Announcer: A fine automobile is something to be admired – even adored. It’s an extension of you. You love your car so much, you want to share your most intimate moments with it. Well, now you can. Introducing the Mercury Mistress, the world’s first car that you can actually have sex with.
[ show pixellated area behind the license plate ]
Rich, leather interior, and fully digital luxury on the inside, while a sturdy alloy frame ensures a smooth ride and top performance on the road, and excellent handling, even in the most severe weather.
The Mercury Mistress is such a fine automobile, it’s sure to attract plenty of unwanted admirers. [ a perverted man sneaks up to the rear of the car, and unzips his pants as the alarm goes off and frightens him ] That’s why the Mercury Mistress comes with a factory-equipped security system, to assure your car will always be faithful to you, and only you.
The Mercury Mistress. When this car’s a-rockin’, don’t come knockin’.
Air Date:
